February 24, 2025 • 28 mins
Have you ever wondered why you keep repeating painful patterns—whether in relationships, self-sabotaging behaviors, burnout, or feelings of never quite arriving?
In this episode we explore the neuroscience and psychology behind trauma reenactment—why we unconsciously repeat painful cycles and how we can break free from them.
You'll learn:
- What trauma reenactment is and why it keeps us stuck in toxic patterns.
- The neuroscience behind trauma loops, including the role of the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex.
- How childhood experiences create unconscious beliefs that shape our reality.
- The role of the nervous system (Polyvagal Theory) in keeping us in survival mode.
- Practical tools for breaking free, including breathwork, grounding exercises, and belief rewiring.
- How to reprogram your subconscious mind and stop self-sabotaging your success, relationships, and happiness.
If you’re ready to rewire your brain, reclaim your power, and build a life aligned with self-love and healing, this episode is for you.
👉 Take my free course, Learning How to Love Yourself: TAKE THIS COURSE
👉 Book a free strategy call: SCHEDULE HERE
Chapters:
00:00 - Introduction: Why You Keep Repeating Painful Cycles
02:17 - Understanding Trauma Reenactment: Why We Repeat What Hurts Us
04:22 - The Science Behind Trauma Loops: How the Brain Keeps Us Stuck
06:09 - How the Nervous System (Polyvagal Theory) Plays a Role in Trauma Patterns
09:17 - The Role of Core Beliefs in Trauma Reenactment
10:36 - Real-Life Examples: How Trauma Shows Up in Relationships, Work, & Self-Sabotage
12:34 - The Truth: You Are Not Broken—It’s Time to Rewrite Your Story
13:19 - FREE Course: Learning How to Love Yourself
15:46 - How Unhealed Trauma Affects Every Area of Life (Relationships, Success, Health)
17:24 - Step 1: Recognizing Trauma Reenactment Patterns
17:51 - Step 2: Journaling & Identifying Your Subconscious Stories
19:23 - Step 3: Breaking the Cycle of Trauma in Relationships & Self-Worth
21:43 - Step 4: Nervous System Regulation & Grounding Techniques for Healing
23:38 - Step 5: Rewiring Core Beliefs & Changing Your Subconscious Programming
25:55 - Step 6: Changing Your Environment to Support Your Healing
27:14 - Step 7: Seeking Trauma-Informed Therapy & Coaching
I am grateful you are here,
Jerry
Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call
Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org
🔗 Access the course "Learning How to Love Yourself" here:
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What if I told you that some of the most painful
experiences in your life, thosetoxic relationships, the
self-sabotaging behavior, theburnout, the feeling that you
have that you're always chasingsomething but never quite
arriving, or that feeling thatyou carry that there's something
wrong with you what if I toldyou that all of that might not
mean that there's anything wrongwith you.
(00:21):
It might not be random, itmight actually be coming from a
script that was written a longtime ago, before you had the
words to describe it.
And what if I told you thatbreaking free from that is
possible, not by force, not bywillpower alone, but by
understanding the hiddenmechanics behind why we repeat
(00:45):
what hurts us.
Today we're talking abouttrauma reenactment.
What is it, why it happens andhow to stop it from running our
lives.
See, this isn't just a theory.
This is neuroscience, this ispsychology and, most importantly
, this is about your power tochange.
(01:07):
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe Permission to Love podcast,
where we have conversations onself-transformation, healing and
learning how to build a healthyrelationship with ourselves by
learning how to fully love andaccept ourselves.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,transformational coach, author
and speaker, and I specialize intopics such as trauma, shame,
(01:31):
building resilience, breakingfree from limiting beliefs and
learning how to love ourselves.
Each week on this podcast, wedive deep into the psychology,
research and neuroscience ofhealing, so that you can stop
surviving and actually startthriving.
So if you're ready to do thatinner work, you're in the right
(01:53):
place.
I just want to take a momentand remind you.
If you've not yet had a chanceto hit that subscribe or follow
button, take a moment to do thatso that you never miss out on a
new episode.
Also, if you're listening onApple or Spotify, take a moment
and leave a review, because itreally does help this podcast
reach more people, the peoplewho need to hear how they can
(02:14):
have a healthy relationship withthemselves.
As we're getting started in thisepisode, I want to say that
this may be something thatyou're dealing with and you're
going to find some hope and someinsights in this episode, but
it also might be something thatsomebody that you know is
dealing with and it can reallyhelp you understand why that
(02:35):
individual, that person that youcare about, seems to be stuck
in a pattern of creating pain,of going back to old habits and
all of the things that you lookat their life and you wonder why
they keep repeating thepatterns that are manifesting
pain in their life.
I think this episode can helpyou understand that.
Now I would caution you to notthen go to them after listening
(02:58):
to this episode and say, heylook, I've got your solution.
I understand why you do thethings that you do.
We want to be very careful inthat we want to make sure that
we come with information from aplace of love and we want to
make sure that the person isopen and ready to receive it.
So if you know somebody and youbegin to understand that this
is why those patterns areoperating in their life, I just
(03:21):
want you to be really mindfuland really thoughtful about
whether or not to approach themwith this information or to
maybe just simply share theepisode with them so they can
begin to process it and workthrough it themselves.
Deal, deal.
Now I want you to imagine wakingup in a maze.
(03:41):
You don't remember how you gotthere, but every time you try to
leave, you keep running intothe same walls.
Your relationships fall apart.
The same way, success feelsjust out of reach.
Things like stress, overworking, self-sabotaging they all feel
inevitable.
What is that maze?
That maze is your nervoussystem running on old trauma
(04:06):
patterns.
The good news, there's a wayout, and today I'm going to give
you some insights on how youcan start to find your way out
of that maze.
Okay, I'm really excited aboutthis episode because I believe
it's going to really help you onyour journey.
So what is trauma reenactment?
Help you on your journey.
(04:27):
So what is trauma reenactment?
Trauma reenactment refers tothat unconscious repetition of
distressing or traumaticexperiences in thoughts,
behaviors, relationships oremotional responses.
This phenomenon occurs whenunresolved trauma imprints on
the nervous system, leadingindividuals to recreate or be
drawn to familiar yet harmfulpatterns.
(04:51):
It's often driven bymaladaptive coping mechanisms,
unresolved emotional pain or anattempt to gain mastery over
past trauma.
Trauma reenactment can manifestin self-destructive behaviors,
dysfunctional relationships,chronic stress patterns or
persistent emotional distress.
(05:13):
It's like being caught in thatmaze or in a loop Different
people, different places, butthe same pain, the same outcome.
Why do we do this?
Well, let's break it down basedon the research.
Trauma leaves an imprint on thebrain, specifically in the
amygdala, which controls fearresponses.
(05:33):
It also leaves an imprint onthe hippocampus, which stores
memory, and it has an impact onthe prefrontal cortex, which
helps us make rational decisions, frontal cortex, which helps us
make rational decisions.
Studies show, as we've talkedabout before, that unresolved
trauma keeps the amygdalahyperactive, making us see
threats where there are none,and this is why we may react to
(05:58):
present situations as if theyare past traumas all over again,
if you're caught in that traumaloop or that trauma reenactment
.
There's a lot of neurosciencethat explains why.
There's also some other reasonsthat are really key as to why
we repeat our trauma.
Number one the brain seeksfamiliarity.
(06:21):
Our brains are wired forefficiency.
Seeks familiarity.
Our brains are wired forefficiency.
If a pattern, no matter howpainful it is, feels familiar,
feels safe, we gravitate towardsit.
It's why someone who grew up inchaos might find calmness in
unsettling situations.
They might create more chaos intheir life because it feels
(06:43):
familiar and it feels safe.
And you might say well, itdoesn't really feel safe In your
nervous system.
We're talking about nervoussystems subconscious level.
There's a part of you thatfeels safe in that chaos and so
you keep repeating patterns thatbring chaos into your life.
Now, the interesting thingabout this is that our brains
(07:03):
don't just release dopamine forthings that feel good to us.
Okay, that are these rewardsystems for when we do something
that we like.
It is also being released inresponse to certain stressors,
and it makes toxic cycles feeladdictive to us, and so we get
addicted to toxic patterns,toxic relationships, toxic
(07:27):
self-talk okay, and that can allbe a manifestation of trauma
being reenacted in our life.
Now, another reason that we getinvolved in this trauma
reenactment is because of therepetition compulsion.
Sigmund Freud first introducedthis idea, suggesting that we
unconsciously recreate past painin an attempt to gain mastery
(07:53):
over it.
What's the problem with this?
Instead of healing the pain, westay stuck in it.
We keep trying to work out ourtrauma story, thinking that we
can get mastery over it, butwhat we're doing is just keeping
ourselves stuck in a cycle ofpain.
(08:14):
Now, another theory thatexplains why we get engaged in
trauma reenactment is called thepolyvagal theory, and it
explains how trauma affects ournervous system, and what happens
is we shift between threestates.
We can shift from fight orflight you know that anxiety,
panic or freeze, which is whenwe shut down or we disassociate
(08:36):
or we go numb.
And then the other category,which is then social engagement,
the sense of safety, connectionand healing.
Now, when trauma is unresolved,we get stuck in survival states
those first two right whenwe're either in fight or flight
or we're in freeze and we'reunconsciously repeating patterns
(08:59):
that reinforce the stress inour system.
And once again, this ishappening at that subconscious
level.
Our systems got wired forstress and so now we recreate
patterns that cause stress inour life.
Another reason that we getinvolved in trauma reenactment
(09:20):
is because of our unconsciouscore beliefs.
Childhood trauma can createdeeply ingrained beliefs like
I'm not worthy of love, successwill make me a target.
If I relax, something bad'sgoing to happen to me.
The shoe's going to drop right.
We talk a lot about these corebeliefs on this podcast.
The challenge is these beliefsbecome invisible scripts
(09:45):
dictating our actions withoutour awareness.
You see, once again, so much ofthis is operating at that
subconscious level and I thinkit's really important for us to
understand that, because thatcan really help mitigate some of
the shame that you feel aboutthe patterns that you repeat.
Trauma gets stored in the systemand it plays it out in our life
(10:08):
.
We reenact it.
We keep putting ourselves inpositions for trauma to manifest
, for chaos to manifest and forpain to manifest, but once again
, healing is possible.
Now let's talk about somereal-life examples of trauma
reenactment Number one, choosingemotionally unavailable or
(10:29):
abusive partners, and what'shappening in that scenario is
we're mirroring our childhoodattachment wounds.
Another thing that can start tohappen is we get involved in
overworking or self-sabotagingopportunities.
Due to unconscious self-worthissues.
We feel like we have to eitherprove ourselves or we don't feel
worthy of things, and so we'regoing to sabotage them out of
(10:52):
our lives.
Now, another thing that we canbegin to do is engage in
self-destructive behaviors, andwe'll start engaging in
maladaptive coping mechanismssuch as substance abuse,
workaholism, developing anunhealthy relationship with food
, and we're doing all of this asa way to numb out past pain.
Now, another way this can showup is through seeking dominance
(11:14):
or feeling powerless inrelationships.
And what are we doing?
We're creating old powerdynamics that we're familiar
with, and so if you're in arelationship and you begin to
feel threatened and you buck upand you seek dominance, now the
opposite of that is feelings ofpowerlessness in a relationship,
that you feel powerless, youdon't have a voice, you feel
(11:37):
like you got to play small andyou let the other person
dominate you.
And all of these power dynamicsin relationships are us acting
out those original wounds, thoseoriginal trauma stories that we
feel comfortable with that, tous feel like how relationships
operate and we don't know anyother way.
(11:58):
So here's a key question for youwhat is your pattern of pain?
Is it in substances?
Is it in relationships?
Is it in self-sabotaging?
Whatever it is, I want to letyou know once again healing is
possible.
Transformation is possible.
Let me ask you something whenwas the last time you truly felt
(12:23):
at peace with yourself?
Not just because youaccomplished something, not just
because somebody else validatedyou, but because you actually
believed that you were enough?
I want to tell you something youare not broken.
You are simply carrying a storythat isn't yours, and it's time
to change it, and that's why Icreated a new course I'm so
(12:47):
excited to tell you about.
It's called Learning how toLove Yourself and, for a limited
time, I'm offering this coursecompletely free.
It's a research-backed programdesigned to help you break free
from self-doubt, rewire yourbrain for self-love and finally
start shifting the way that yousee yourself.
(13:08):
This course includes five videosessions and a 37-page workbook
filled with exercises,reflection prompts and tools to
help you take action.
So what are you going to learnin this course?
Well, number one you're goingto hear a little bit about my
story and why I do the work thatI do.
Number two you're going tolearn about what self-love is
(13:29):
and what it's not.
You'll also learn about howself-love gets blocked in our
life and the impact of whathappens when self-love gets
blocked in our life and theimpact of what happens when
self-love is blocked.
And then you're going to learnin a very practical way how you
can start developing self-lovethrough rewiring your thoughts,
your words, the way you seeyourself, the actions that you
(13:50):
take and the relationships thatyou have in your life.
And you're going to learn howto tie all those things together
to start rewiring your systemand move it away from shame and
self-judgment towards self-love.
I just want to be clear onsomething what I'm sharing in
this course isn't just theory.
It's research-based.
(14:11):
I share a lot of research inthis course and you're going to
get practical tools and, as Isaid, the guided exercises to
help you make real change.
So if you're ready to jump intothis course, you can simply go
to my website atjerryhendersonorg or you can see
the show notes in this episode.
So I encourage you, don't waitany longer.
Take the course now, while it'sstill for free, and start your
(14:34):
journey towards learning how tolove yourself.
Now let me just give you a fewexamples of what happens when we
have unhealed trauma in ourlife and we start to reenact it
because it's unhealed.
Now, of course, this isn't acomprehensive list, but it's
just something that gives yousome ideas about what happens
(14:54):
when we start to reenact ourtrauma in our life because it
isn't healed, because the truthis unhealed.
Trauma does affect every areaof our lives and let's break it
down.
Number one we know it affectsour relationships.
Attachment theory shows thatearly childhood experiences
dictate adult relationships.
So if love was inconsistent,chaos can feel normal to us.
(15:19):
And if love was painful,suffering can feel like
connection and we get into whatis known as trauma bonding.
Right, we bond over our traumaor we bond in a way where it
feels like the trauma that weexperienced.
And so if love was painful,suffering can actually start to
(15:40):
feel like connection in thatrelationship and we're
reenacting our trauma wounds.
And the other thing it canimpact is our success in life,
and when I say success, I'm notjust talking about financial,
I'm talking about holistic.
So how does it limit oursuccess?
Well, things like impostersyndrome or the need for
perfectionism and this chronicoverachievement that we carry
(16:05):
are often tied to childhoodexperiences.
And if we've lived in a home orwe grew up in a state where our
self-worth was based on ourperformance, then guess what?
We're going to get wired tobecome that super achiever and
we're going to try to outrun ourstory, but guess what?
That's going to lead to thingslike workaholism, burnout,
(16:26):
relationship issues, etc.
And it's actually going tohinder our success long-term.
Now the other thing thathappens is we have physical
health issues long term.
Now the other thing thathappens is we have physical
health issues.
The chronic stress that comesfrom that trauma reenactment can
lead to autoimmune disorders,chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia,
digestive issues due to adysregulated nervous system.
(16:49):
Now let's talk about how tobreak free from this cycle of
trauma reenactment so that wecan live a life that we truly
want.
Number one is doing exactlywhat we're doing right now
recognizing the pattern.
That is always the first stepawareness.
We have to identify that we'rein a cycle of trauma reenactment
(17:10):
.
We're replaying the story inour life because our system is
used to it and it feelscomfortable for us.
So you're already taking thefirst step towards breaking that
pattern by listening to thisepisode.
Now, the second thing you can dois start journaling about where
the same pain keeps showing upin your life.
(17:31):
Look for the patterns.
Is it in relationships?
Is it in your career?
Is it in self-sabotagingbehaviors?
Is it that loud inner criticthat never seems to leave you
alone?
And as you're taking time tojournal it, try to connect with
the emotions that come up asyou're reflecting on those
repeated patterns in your life.
And then go a step further andask yourself what stories do you
(17:56):
tell yourself in those moments?
What are the stories that youtell yourself when you're
getting in that relationshipthat you know that you shouldn't
get into, or when you'regetting ready to act in a way
that you know you're not goingto feel good about later?
What's the story that justifiesit?
And then, what's the story thatyou tell yourself after it?
(18:18):
You see, our stories are a verypowerful thing.
Our stories drive almosteverything in our life, and
we're going to do an episode onthis the power of our story and
how we can begin to shift thestories that we tell ourselves.
But for now, I just want to askyou, as you're journaling this,
as you see those patterns thatare coming up, what are the
(18:38):
stories that surround it?
Do you have a story that you'reunworthy of healthy
relationships, so you keepchoosing toxic relationships?
And then, once you've chosenthe toxic relationship, what
comes up for you when you're init?
And then what comes up for youwhen that relationship falls
apart?
And look for patterns in yourcurrent relationships, like what
(18:59):
comes up for you when thatperson stonewalls you or when
you feel unsafe in therelationship.
What are the stories that startto be told to yourself?
And then how do you start toact as a result of those stories
?
Do you start to get angry andthen you act out in anger?
Do you start to play small andthen you act out in anger?
Do you start to play small andhide yourself?
What's going on for you inthose patterns?
(19:23):
You see, the awareness of all ofthis is going to be a key part
of the foundation for change.
Have you ever felt like, nomatter what you do, you're stuck
in the same cycles, same doubts, same struggles, same
roadblocks?
If that's you, and if you'reready for a real transformation
in your life, I want to inviteyou to join my six-month
(19:47):
one-on-one coaching program.
It's a structured processdesigned to help you break free
from limiting beliefs, help yourewire your mindset and help you
create the life that youactually want to live.
During those six months, we'regoing to cover things like
healing your relationship withyourself.
How can you shift fromself-doubt and self-criticism to
(20:09):
self-compassion and confidence?
How can you rewire your mindset?
How can you train your brainfor resilience, clarity and
possibility?
How can you overcome fear andlimiting beliefs and break the
thought patterns that have keptyou stuck for so long?
We'll work on releasing thosepast wounds and rebuilding your
(20:30):
ability to trust in yourself.
We'll work on creating newhabits and patterns so that you
can develop daily practices thatreinforce your self-worth and
your success.
We'll work on building a visionand a pathway towards the life
that you really want, one thatwill align your actions,
(20:51):
relationships and choices withyour future self.
I want to be clear this isn't aquick fix.
It's deep, lasting change.
We're talking aboutself-transformation from the
inside out.
So if you're ready to take thatfirst step towards rewiring
your mindset and transformingyour life, I want to invite you
(21:12):
to go to my website atjerryhendersonorg, or simply see
the show notes in this episode,and set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect, learnmore about each other and see if
working together is the rightfit.
Set up that free strategy call.
Make this the moment where youmake the decision to start
(21:32):
showing up for yourself likeyou've been showing up for
everybody else, to start showingup for yourself like you've
been showing up for everybodyelse.
The other thing that we can doto help ourselves not reenact
our trauma is to work onregulating our nervous system.
Allowing our nervous system toget out of that chronic state of
stress can help us relax, helpus feel more safe and we're less
(21:55):
likely to start engaging inthose trauma patterns.
Because, remember, a lot ofthose trauma patterns are coming
from when we get triggered,when we don't feel safe, and so
it kicks us into what feelsfamiliar.
What was once a copingmechanism that served us it's no
longer serving us anymore.
Served us, it's no longerserving us anymore.
(22:20):
So learning to regulate is akey part of breaking free
Practices like breath work, coldtherapy, which involves
exposing the body to coldtemperatures through ice baths,
cold showers or cryotherapy.
You see, the research suggeststhat when we do that, it's going
to reduce inflammation, it'sgoing to calm the nervous system
and it also helps increaseresilience.
(22:41):
So by intentionally exposingyourself to controlled
discomfort, like ice baths, etc.
You can train your nervoussystem to handle stress more
effectively.
Now, another method that can beused is grounding techniques,
which help shift the body out ofsurvival mode into a state of
calm.
So what are groundingtechniques?
(23:03):
Well, there are things likewalking barefoot on natural
surfaces, using weightedblankets or engaging in sensory
exercises that help reconnectthe body and the mind to the
present moment, and the researchshows that when we do these
things, it helps reduce anxietyand helps relax the
(23:25):
over-activation of the amygdalaof the nervous system, because
we're grounding ourselves intothe present moment, into our
body, and helping ourselves feelsafe in the present moment.
Now, another thing that'simportant in breaking that loop
of trauma reenactment isrewiring our core beliefs.
You know, trauma often leavesbehind limiting beliefs that we
(23:49):
talk about a lot right, and theykeep us stuck.
Those voices of I'm not enough,I have to prove my worth,
there's something wrong with me,I can't trust people.
If people saw me and knew me,then they would reject me.
And here's the key about thesebeliefs.
These beliefs were learnedthrough past experiences.
You were not born with them.
(24:09):
They don't have to define yourfuture.
Challenge them by asking wheredid this belief come from?
Is it true?
What evidence do I have thatcounteracts it or contradicts it
?
Then replace it with a beliefthat supports your healing and
(24:29):
you might say well, that newstory doesn't feel true.
It feels like I'm faking it.
Listen, it's just training.
It's just.
Your nervous system has gottenso used to an old story through
repeated patterns and repeatedactions, and it's okay that it
feels uncomfortable.
It's okay that it doesn't feeltrue.
It's okay that it feels likeyou're faking it.
(24:50):
That's a normal part of theprocess of healing and
transformation.
Now, another thing that'simportant in breaking that loop
is changing your environment.
Your surroundings influenceyour mindset, whether you think
they do or not.
They absolutely do.
And if you're surrounded bypeople who reinforce your old
patterns and breaking free fromthat loop, it's gonna be a lot
(25:13):
harder.
But if you will instead startto seek out relationships and
communities that encouragegrowth, healing and
self-compassion, it's gonna helpyou more than you can imagine
on your journey of getting outof that cycle of reenacting your
trauma.
Because if you're around thesame type of people that are
(25:35):
pushing all the same buttons andkeeping you in an environment
that doesn't feel safe, it'sgoing to keep you stuck in those
old patterns and listen.
Sometimes the biggest act ofself-love is choosing a new
environment, new relationshipsthat align with your healing
journey.
(25:55):
Now the other thing that'simportant in breaking this cycle
is to seek trauma-informedhealing.
Deep healing requires safe,structured support.
Modalities such as EMDR, whichis eye movement, desensitization
and reprocessing, can reallyhelp.
Some other things that can helpare things like somatic
(26:18):
experiencing and internal familysystems therapy or IFS.
All of these things can helpyou process and integrate that
trauma in ways that traditionaltalk therapy may not.
So if reenacting that traumaand those trauma patterns are
persisting in your life despitethe work that you've been doing,
(26:39):
seeking a trauma informedtherapist or coach can help you
because it can provide you theguidance and the tools that you
need to truly start healing.
And when we heal the trauma andwe begin to heal the nervous
system, rewire the nervoussystem, we don't have to keep
replaying the same story overand over.
(27:01):
We can find a place of safetyand we can break the pattern of
continually reacting out ourtrauma story.
So I want to encourage youbreaking free from trauma.
Reenactment is not about workingharder or forcing yourself to
change.
It's about understanding whythese patterns exist, building
(27:23):
awareness and giving yourselfthe tools to shift them.
Healing is not about fixingyourself.
It's about remembering that youwere never broken.
To begin with, painful thingsthat might have made you feel
like you were broken and thatthere's something wrong with you
.
Let me just say it again youwere never broken.
(27:45):
There's never been anythingwrong with you.
You experienced what would bethe normal outcome of abnormal
situations.
Well, thank you for joiningthis episode and for being here.
I am so grateful for you andI'm grateful that you're a part
of this community Now.
If this episode helped you, Iwant to encourage you, share it
(28:05):
with somebody who you thinkcould benefit from it.
Let's create a ripple effect ofrewriting our stories together,
of moving away from shame toself-love, of understanding how
we can heal our relationshipwith ourselves by learning how
to love ourselves.
And, finally, I want to remindyou, as I always do, that you
(28:28):
are worthy of your own love.
What if I told you that some of the most painful
experiences in your life, thosetoxic relationships, the
self-sabotaging behavior, theburnout, the feeling that you
have that you're always chasingsomething but never quite
arriving, or that feeling thatyou carry that there's something
wrong with you what if I toldyou that all of that might not
mean that there's anything wrongwith you.
(00:21):
It might not be random, itmight actually be coming from a
script that was written a longtime ago, before you had the
words to describe it.
And what if I told you thatbreaking free from that is
possible, not by force, not bywillpower alone, but by
understanding the hiddenmechanics behind why we repeat
(00:45):
what hurts us.
Today we're talking abouttrauma reenactment.
What is it, why it happens andhow to stop it from running our
lives.
See, this isn't just a theory.
This is neuroscience, this ispsychology and, most importantly
, this is about your power tochange.
(01:07):
Hello everybody, and welcome tothe Permission to Love podcast,
where we have conversations onself-transformation, healing and
learning how to build a healthyrelationship with ourselves by
learning how to fully love andaccept ourselves.
I'm your host, jerry Henderson,transformational coach, author
and speaker, and I specialize intopics such as trauma, shame,
(01:31):
building resilience, breakingfree from limiting beliefs and
learning how to love ourselves.
Each week on this podcast, wedive deep into the psychology,
research and neuroscience ofhealing, so that you can stop
surviving and actually startthriving.
So if you're ready to do thatinner work, you're in the right
(01:53):
place.
I just want to take a momentand remind you.
If you've not yet had a chanceto hit that subscribe or follow
button, take a moment to do thatso that you never miss out on a
new episode.
Also, if you're listening onApple or Spotify, take a moment
and leave a review, because itreally does help this podcast
reach more people, the peoplewho need to hear how they can
(02:14):
have a healthy relationship withthemselves.
As we're getting started in thisepisode, I want to say that
this may be something thatyou're dealing with and you're
going to find some hope and someinsights in this episode, but
it also might be something thatsomebody that you know is
dealing with and it can reallyhelp you understand why that
(02:35):
individual, that person that youcare about, seems to be stuck
in a pattern of creating pain,of going back to old habits and
all of the things that you lookat their life and you wonder why
they keep repeating thepatterns that are manifesting
pain in their life.
I think this episode can helpyou understand that.
Now I would caution you to notthen go to them after listening
(02:58):
to this episode and say, heylook, I've got your solution.
I understand why you do thethings that you do.
We want to be very careful inthat we want to make sure that
we come with information from aplace of love and we want to
make sure that the person isopen and ready to receive it.
So if you know somebody and youbegin to understand that this
is why those patterns areoperating in their life, I just
(03:21):
want you to be really mindfuland really thoughtful about
whether or not to approach themwith this information or to
maybe just simply share theepisode with them so they can
begin to process it and workthrough it themselves.
Deal, deal.
Now I want you to imagine wakingup in a maze.
(03:41):
You don't remember how you gotthere, but every time you try to
leave, you keep running intothe same walls.
Your relationships fall apart.
The same way, success feelsjust out of reach.
Things like stress, overworking, self-sabotaging they all feel
inevitable.
What is that maze?
That maze is your nervoussystem running on old trauma
(04:06):
patterns.
The good news, there's a wayout, and today I'm going to give
you some insights on how youcan start to find your way out
of that maze.
Okay, I'm really excited aboutthis episode because I believe
it's going to really help you onyour journey.
So what is trauma reenactment?
Help you on your journey.
(04:27):
So what is trauma reenactment?
Trauma reenactment refers tothat unconscious repetition of
distressing or traumaticexperiences in thoughts,
behaviors, relationships oremotional responses.
This phenomenon occurs whenunresolved trauma imprints on
the nervous system, leadingindividuals to recreate or be
drawn to familiar yet harmfulpatterns.
(04:51):
It's often driven bymaladaptive coping mechanisms,
unresolved emotional pain or anattempt to gain mastery over
past trauma.
Trauma reenactment can manifestin self-destructive behaviors,
dysfunctional relationships,chronic stress patterns or
persistent emotional distress.
(05:13):
It's like being caught in thatmaze or in a loop Different
people, different places, butthe same pain, the same outcome.
Why do we do this?
Well, let's break it down basedon the research.
Trauma leaves an imprint on thebrain, specifically in the
amygdala, which controls fearresponses.
(05:33):
It also leaves an imprint onthe hippocampus, which stores
memory, and it has an impact onthe prefrontal cortex, which
helps us make rational decisions, frontal cortex, which helps us
make rational decisions.
Studies show, as we've talkedabout before, that unresolved
trauma keeps the amygdalahyperactive, making us see
threats where there are none,and this is why we may react to
(05:58):
present situations as if theyare past traumas all over again,
if you're caught in that traumaloop or that trauma reenactment
.
There's a lot of neurosciencethat explains why.
There's also some other reasonsthat are really key as to why
we repeat our trauma.
Number one the brain seeksfamiliarity.
(06:21):
Our brains are wired forefficiency.
Seeks familiarity.
Our brains are wired forefficiency.
If a pattern, no matter howpainful it is, feels familiar,
feels safe, we gravitate towardsit.
It's why someone who grew up inchaos might find calmness in
unsettling situations.
They might create more chaos intheir life because it feels
(06:43):
familiar and it feels safe.
And you might say well, itdoesn't really feel safe In your
nervous system.
We're talking about nervoussystems subconscious level.
There's a part of you thatfeels safe in that chaos and so
you keep repeating patterns thatbring chaos into your life.
Now, the interesting thingabout this is that our brains
(07:03):
don't just release dopamine forthings that feel good to us.
Okay, that are these rewardsystems for when we do something
that we like.
It is also being released inresponse to certain stressors,
and it makes toxic cycles feeladdictive to us, and so we get
addicted to toxic patterns,toxic relationships, toxic
(07:27):
self-talk okay, and that can allbe a manifestation of trauma
being reenacted in our life.
Now, another reason that we getinvolved in this trauma
reenactment is because of therepetition compulsion.
Sigmund Freud first introducedthis idea, suggesting that we
unconsciously recreate past painin an attempt to gain mastery
(07:53):
over it.
What's the problem with this?
Instead of healing the pain, westay stuck in it.
We keep trying to work out ourtrauma story, thinking that we
can get mastery over it, butwhat we're doing is just keeping
ourselves stuck in a cycle ofpain.
(08:14):
Now, another theory thatexplains why we get engaged in
trauma reenactment is called thepolyvagal theory, and it
explains how trauma affects ournervous system, and what happens
is we shift between threestates.
We can shift from fight orflight you know that anxiety,
panic or freeze, which is whenwe shut down or we disassociate
(08:36):
or we go numb.
And then the other category,which is then social engagement,
the sense of safety, connectionand healing.
Now, when trauma is unresolved,we get stuck in survival states
those first two right whenwe're either in fight or flight
or we're in freeze and we'reunconsciously repeating patterns
(08:59):
that reinforce the stress inour system.
And once again, this ishappening at that subconscious
level.
Our systems got wired forstress and so now we recreate
patterns that cause stress inour life.
Another reason that we getinvolved in trauma reenactment
(09:20):
is because of our unconsciouscore beliefs.
Childhood trauma can createdeeply ingrained beliefs like
I'm not worthy of love, successwill make me a target.
If I relax, something bad'sgoing to happen to me.
The shoe's going to drop right.
We talk a lot about these corebeliefs on this podcast.
The challenge is these beliefsbecome invisible scripts
(09:45):
dictating our actions withoutour awareness.
You see, once again, so much ofthis is operating at that
subconscious level and I thinkit's really important for us to
understand that, because thatcan really help mitigate some of
the shame that you feel aboutthe patterns that you repeat.
Trauma gets stored in the systemand it plays it out in our life
(10:08):
.
We reenact it.
We keep putting ourselves inpositions for trauma to manifest
, for chaos to manifest and forpain to manifest, but once again
, healing is possible.
Now let's talk about somereal-life examples of trauma
reenactment Number one, choosingemotionally unavailable or
(10:29):
abusive partners, and what'shappening in that scenario is
we're mirroring our childhoodattachment wounds.
Another thing that can start tohappen is we get involved in
overworking or self-sabotagingopportunities.
Due to unconscious self-worthissues.
We feel like we have to eitherprove ourselves or we don't feel
worthy of things, and so we'regoing to sabotage them out of
(10:52):
our lives.
Now, another thing that we canbegin to do is engage in
self-destructive behaviors, andwe'll start engaging in
maladaptive coping mechanismssuch as substance abuse,
workaholism, developing anunhealthy relationship with food
, and we're doing all of this asa way to numb out past pain.
Now, another way this can showup is through seeking dominance
(11:14):
or feeling powerless inrelationships.
And what are we doing?
We're creating old powerdynamics that we're familiar
with, and so if you're in arelationship and you begin to
feel threatened and you buck upand you seek dominance, now the
opposite of that is feelings ofpowerlessness in a relationship,
that you feel powerless, youdon't have a voice, you feel
(11:37):
like you got to play small andyou let the other person
dominate you.
And all of these power dynamicsin relationships are us acting
out those original wounds, thoseoriginal trauma stories that we
feel comfortable with that, tous feel like how relationships
operate and we don't know anyother way.
(11:58):
So here's a key question for youwhat is your pattern of pain?
Is it in substances?
Is it in relationships?
Is it in self-sabotaging?
Whatever it is, I want to letyou know once again healing is
possible.
Transformation is possible.
Let me ask you something whenwas the last time you truly felt
(12:23):
at peace with yourself?
Not just because youaccomplished something, not just
because somebody else validatedyou, but because you actually
believed that you were enough?
I want to tell you something youare not broken.
You are simply carrying a storythat isn't yours, and it's time
to change it, and that's why Icreated a new course I'm so
(12:47):
excited to tell you about.
It's called Learning how toLove Yourself and, for a limited
time, I'm offering this coursecompletely free.
It's a research-backed programdesigned to help you break free
from self-doubt, rewire yourbrain for self-love and finally
start shifting the way that yousee yourself.
(13:08):
This course includes five videosessions and a 37-page workbook
filled with exercises,reflection prompts and tools to
help you take action.
So what are you going to learnin this course?
Well, number one you're goingto hear a little bit about my
story and why I do the work thatI do.
Number two you're going tolearn about what self-love is
(13:29):
and what it's not.
You'll also learn about howself-love gets blocked in our
life and the impact of whathappens when self-love gets
blocked in our life and theimpact of what happens when
self-love is blocked.
And then you're going to learnin a very practical way how you
can start developing self-lovethrough rewiring your thoughts,
your words, the way you seeyourself, the actions that you
(13:50):
take and the relationships thatyou have in your life.
And you're going to learn howto tie all those things together
to start rewiring your systemand move it away from shame and
self-judgment towards self-love.
I just want to be clear onsomething what I'm sharing in
this course isn't just theory.
It's research-based.
(14:11):
I share a lot of research inthis course and you're going to
get practical tools and, as Isaid, the guided exercises to
help you make real change.
So if you're ready to jump intothis course, you can simply go
to my website atjerryhendersonorg or you can see
the show notes in this episode.
So I encourage you, don't waitany longer.
Take the course now, while it'sstill for free, and start your
(14:34):
journey towards learning how tolove yourself.
Now let me just give you a fewexamples of what happens when we
have unhealed trauma in ourlife and we start to reenact it
because it's unhealed.
Now, of course, this isn't acomprehensive list, but it's
just something that gives yousome ideas about what happens
(14:54):
when we start to reenact ourtrauma in our life because it
isn't healed, because the truthis unhealed.
Trauma does affect every areaof our lives and let's break it
down.
Number one we know it affectsour relationships.
Attachment theory shows thatearly childhood experiences
dictate adult relationships.
So if love was inconsistent,chaos can feel normal to us.
(15:19):
And if love was painful,suffering can feel like
connection and we get into whatis known as trauma bonding.
Right, we bond over our traumaor we bond in a way where it
feels like the trauma that weexperienced.
And so if love was painful,suffering can actually start to
(15:40):
feel like connection in thatrelationship and we're
reenacting our trauma wounds.
And the other thing it canimpact is our success in life,
and when I say success, I'm notjust talking about financial,
I'm talking about holistic.
So how does it limit oursuccess?
Well, things like impostersyndrome or the need for
perfectionism and this chronicoverachievement that we carry
(16:05):
are often tied to childhoodexperiences.
And if we've lived in a home orwe grew up in a state where our
self-worth was based on ourperformance, then guess what?
We're going to get wired tobecome that super achiever and
we're going to try to outrun ourstory, but guess what?
That's going to lead to thingslike workaholism, burnout,
(16:26):
relationship issues, etc.
And it's actually going tohinder our success long-term.
Now the other thing thathappens is we have physical
health issues long term.
Now the other thing thathappens is we have physical
health issues.
The chronic stress that comesfrom that trauma reenactment can
lead to autoimmune disorders,chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia,
digestive issues due to adysregulated nervous system.
(16:49):
Now let's talk about how tobreak free from this cycle of
trauma reenactment so that wecan live a life that we truly
want.
Number one is doing exactlywhat we're doing right now
recognizing the pattern.
That is always the first stepawareness.
We have to identify that we'rein a cycle of trauma reenactment
(17:10):
.
We're replaying the story inour life because our system is
used to it and it feelscomfortable for us.
So you're already taking thefirst step towards breaking that
pattern by listening to thisepisode.
Now, the second thing you can dois start journaling about where
the same pain keeps showing upin your life.
(17:31):
Look for the patterns.
Is it in relationships?
Is it in your career?
Is it in self-sabotagingbehaviors?
Is it that loud inner criticthat never seems to leave you
alone?
And as you're taking time tojournal it, try to connect with
the emotions that come up asyou're reflecting on those
repeated patterns in your life.
And then go a step further andask yourself what stories do you
(17:56):
tell yourself in those moments?
What are the stories that youtell yourself when you're
getting in that relationshipthat you know that you shouldn't
get into, or when you'regetting ready to act in a way
that you know you're not goingto feel good about later?
What's the story that justifiesit?
And then, what's the story thatyou tell yourself after it?
(18:18):
You see, our stories are a verypowerful thing.
Our stories drive almosteverything in our life, and
we're going to do an episode onthis the power of our story and
how we can begin to shift thestories that we tell ourselves.
But for now, I just want to askyou, as you're journaling this,
as you see those patterns thatare coming up, what are the
(18:38):
stories that surround it?
Do you have a story that you'reunworthy of healthy
relationships, so you keepchoosing toxic relationships?
And then, once you've chosenthe toxic relationship, what
comes up for you when you're init?
And then what comes up for youwhen that relationship falls
apart?
And look for patterns in yourcurrent relationships, like what
(18:59):
comes up for you when thatperson stonewalls you or when
you feel unsafe in therelationship.
What are the stories that startto be told to yourself?
And then how do you start toact as a result of those stories
?
Do you start to get angry andthen you act out in anger?
Do you start to play small andthen you act out in anger?
Do you start to play small andhide yourself?
What's going on for you inthose patterns?
(19:23):
You see, the awareness of all ofthis is going to be a key part
of the foundation for change.
Have you ever felt like, nomatter what you do, you're stuck
in the same cycles, same doubts, same struggles, same
roadblocks?
If that's you, and if you'reready for a real transformation
in your life, I want to inviteyou to join my six-month
(19:47):
one-on-one coaching program.
It's a structured processdesigned to help you break free
from limiting beliefs, help yourewire your mindset and help you
create the life that youactually want to live.
During those six months, we'regoing to cover things like
healing your relationship withyourself.
How can you shift fromself-doubt and self-criticism to
(20:09):
self-compassion and confidence?
How can you rewire your mindset?
How can you train your brainfor resilience, clarity and
possibility?
How can you overcome fear andlimiting beliefs and break the
thought patterns that have keptyou stuck for so long?
We'll work on releasing thosepast wounds and rebuilding your
(20:30):
ability to trust in yourself.
We'll work on creating newhabits and patterns so that you
can develop daily practices thatreinforce your self-worth and
your success.
We'll work on building a visionand a pathway towards the life
that you really want, one thatwill align your actions,
(20:51):
relationships and choices withyour future self.
I want to be clear this isn't aquick fix.
It's deep, lasting change.
We're talking aboutself-transformation from the
inside out.
So if you're ready to take thatfirst step towards rewiring
your mindset and transformingyour life, I want to invite you
(21:12):
to go to my website atjerryhendersonorg, or simply see
the show notes in this episode,and set up a free strategy call
so that we can connect, learnmore about each other and see if
working together is the rightfit.
Set up that free strategy call.
Make this the moment where youmake the decision to start
(21:32):
showing up for yourself likeyou've been showing up for
everybody else, to start showingup for yourself like you've
been showing up for everybodyelse.
The other thing that we can doto help ourselves not reenact
our trauma is to work onregulating our nervous system.
Allowing our nervous system toget out of that chronic state of
stress can help us relax, helpus feel more safe and we're less
(21:55):
likely to start engaging inthose trauma patterns.
Because, remember, a lot ofthose trauma patterns are coming
from when we get triggered,when we don't feel safe, and so
it kicks us into what feelsfamiliar.
What was once a copingmechanism that served us it's no
longer serving us anymore.
Served us, it's no longerserving us anymore.
(22:20):
So learning to regulate is akey part of breaking free
Practices like breath work, coldtherapy, which involves
exposing the body to coldtemperatures through ice baths,
cold showers or cryotherapy.
You see, the research suggeststhat when we do that, it's going
to reduce inflammation, it'sgoing to calm the nervous system
and it also helps increaseresilience.
(22:41):
So by intentionally exposingyourself to controlled
discomfort, like ice baths, etc.
You can train your nervoussystem to handle stress more
effectively.
Now, another method that can beused is grounding techniques,
which help shift the body out ofsurvival mode into a state of
calm.
So what are groundingtechniques?
(23:03):
Well, there are things likewalking barefoot on natural
surfaces, using weightedblankets or engaging in sensory
exercises that help reconnectthe body and the mind to the
present moment, and the researchshows that when we do these
things, it helps reduce anxietyand helps relax the
(23:25):
over-activation of the amygdalaof the nervous system, because
we're grounding ourselves intothe present moment, into our
body, and helping ourselves feelsafe in the present moment.
Now, another thing that'simportant in breaking that loop
of trauma reenactment isrewiring our core beliefs.
You know, trauma often leavesbehind limiting beliefs that we
(23:49):
talk about a lot right, and theykeep us stuck.
Those voices of I'm not enough,I have to prove my worth,
there's something wrong with me,I can't trust people.
If people saw me and knew me,then they would reject me.
And here's the key about thesebeliefs.
These beliefs were learnedthrough past experiences.
You were not born with them.
(24:09):
They don't have to define yourfuture.
Challenge them by asking wheredid this belief come from?
Is it true?
What evidence do I have thatcounteracts it or contradicts it
?
Then replace it with a beliefthat supports your healing and
(24:29):
you might say well, that newstory doesn't feel true.
It feels like I'm faking it.
Listen, it's just training.
It's just.
Your nervous system has gottenso used to an old story through
repeated patterns and repeatedactions, and it's okay that it
feels uncomfortable.
It's okay that it doesn't feeltrue.
It's okay that it feels likeyou're faking it.
(24:50):
That's a normal part of theprocess of healing and
transformation.
Now, another thing that'simportant in breaking that loop
is changing your environment.
Your surroundings influenceyour mindset, whether you think
they do or not.
They absolutely do.
And if you're surrounded bypeople who reinforce your old
patterns and breaking free fromthat loop, it's gonna be a lot
(25:13):
harder.
But if you will instead startto seek out relationships and
communities that encouragegrowth, healing and
self-compassion, it's gonna helpyou more than you can imagine
on your journey of getting outof that cycle of reenacting your
trauma.
Because if you're around thesame type of people that are
(25:35):
pushing all the same buttons andkeeping you in an environment
that doesn't feel safe, it'sgoing to keep you stuck in those
old patterns and listen.
Sometimes the biggest act ofself-love is choosing a new
environment, new relationshipsthat align with your healing
journey.
(25:55):
Now the other thing that'simportant in breaking this cycle
is to seek trauma-informedhealing.
Deep healing requires safe,structured support.
Modalities such as EMDR, whichis eye movement, desensitization
and reprocessing, can reallyhelp.
Some other things that can helpare things like somatic
(26:18):
experiencing and internal familysystems therapy or IFS.
All of these things can helpyou process and integrate that
trauma in ways that traditionaltalk therapy may not.
So if reenacting that traumaand those trauma patterns are
persisting in your life despitethe work that you've been doing,
(26:39):
seeking a trauma informedtherapist or coach can help you
because it can provide you theguidance and the tools that you
need to truly start healing.
And when we heal the trauma andwe begin to heal the nervous
system, rewire the nervoussystem, we don't have to keep
replaying the same story overand over.
(27:01):
We can find a place of safetyand we can break the pattern of
continually reacting out ourtrauma story.
So I want to encourage youbreaking free from trauma.
Reenactment is not about workingharder or forcing yourself to
change.
It's about understanding whythese patterns exist, building
(27:23):
awareness and giving yourselfthe tools to shift them.
Healing is not about fixingyourself.
It's about remembering that youwere never broken.
To begin with, painful thingsthat might have made you feel
like you were broken and thatthere's something wrong with you
.
Let me just say it again youwere never broken.
(27:45):
There's never been anythingwrong with you.
You experienced what would bethe normal outcome of abnormal
situations.
Well, thank you for joiningthis episode and for being here.
I am so grateful for you andI'm grateful that you're a part
of this community Now.
If this episode helped you, Iwant to encourage you, share it
(28:05):
with somebody who you thinkcould benefit from it.
Let's create a ripple effect ofrewriting our stories together,
of moving away from shame toself-love, of understanding how
we can heal our relationshipwith ourselves by learning how
to love ourselves.
And, finally, I want to remindyou, as I always do, that you
(28:28):
are worthy of your own love.
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