September 1, 2025 • 62 mins
Hey yall!
In ep18 We are discussing adjusting to a good man when you've had " bad ones."
It can be tricky to navigate in what feels like unfamiliar territory.
When you've had a bad one, you know what a good one feels like. But what do you do with a good one when all you have known is unhealed, unregulated, sometimes abusive. disrespectful, emotional immature or unavailable "bad ones"?
Let's discuss.
The insta videos I was referencing in this episode were from an interesting man with eye opening content named:
Blake Goldsmith
his insta is: @blake.coach
I encourage you to check him out.
as always, Be fkkin Kind 😇 🫂💗
love yall. ♡
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hey, hey hey y'all, it's Friday.Welcome to another episode of
Play with Your Dick Not me episode 18 you episode 18.
But I think I this is going to be a pre recording and I will
release this on Monday. I am just feeling really good
(00:24):
today. Really, really good.
Like I said in the last episode,episode 17, I think I had done
something near the end of the episode that like I really do
feel like things are going to turn a corner and just start
(00:44):
getting better. Like I can just feel it.
I have like this weird inner Noni weird inner knowing and I
just, I don't know how to explain it.
I kind of just acquired it over the last year.
It's probably all part of my my spiritual gifts coming to the
(01:05):
forefront after going through myspiritual awakening.
But I'll just get this weird inner knowing.
But this one, it's hard to explain, but it's just like, I
don't know, everything inside mybody, inside my soul just felt
like a hug. Like it just felt like there was
(01:27):
magic swirling through me. Know if any of that even got
probably not. It was weird 'cause like it just
the, the, the recording line just went flat.
So it probably didn't even pick up the conversation.
That's OK, Sorry, Tiger called me.
(01:49):
He's at work, but because I don't have my car right now, I
need when he gets home, I need him to take us to the grocery
store. And you know, he's worked all
day. I've worked all day.
And so he's just tired and he's like, Are you sure you got to go
grocery shopping? Like yes, yes, babe, we do.
We got to get a couple things. So yeah, hopefully, I don't
(02:15):
know, but what was I saying? But yeah, I don't know how to
explain it. For me, it feels like there's
like magic flowing through my body and it just feels like,
like, like light and love and happiness.
And I, I just, I, I, I'll feel it from like my head to my feet
(02:40):
and I'll just have this weird inner knowing that like,
everything's going to be OK. Everything's going to start
getting better, you know? And yeah, like, that's the best
I can explain it. Is it just, it feels like
there's like sparkles, like justflowing through me.
And so, yeah, let's hope. And I kind of reached a pivotal
(03:07):
moment of clarity last night andthen this morning.
I mean, I'm, I'm not, I feel like I like levelled up on this
spiritual journey. I mean, I'm, I don't think I'm
at the end. I don't think I have it all
figured out, obviously. But I've reached, I feel like
I've reached a pivotal point that I'm hoping is going to like
(03:30):
unlock these like shackles that I feel have been on me for like
the past year and some change. Just trying to go through this
difficult journey. Oh, and I'm, I'm your host,
Sadie, by the way, AKA CapricornClark.
I always forget to introduce myself.
I just, I just operate from a place where I just think the
(03:53):
whole world knows who I am, you know, And I know that I have new
listeners coming in, coming through like Amazon Music and
stuff like that. So my name is Sadie, AKA
Capricorn Clark. This is my podcast play through
Dick, not me, but I just, I justjump right in and then I go, Oh,
I didn't even introduce myself. But anyways, it's so weird
because I've delved into the, I don't know, the dialogue, the
(04:22):
text, the information that's outthere around.
And I had a podcast episode about it a few episodes back.
It was called run, don't walk away from an an avoidant.
So like I've kind of like delvedinto this researched attachment
styles, anxious avoidant, anxious attachment.
(04:45):
And I know like ancients anxiousavoidance kind of get a bad rap
and they kind of get vilified. And I understand why because
like the way they go about things is very hurtful.
Like I understand that they're just operating from a place of
like safety and and they kind ofjust like their nervous system
just kind of shuts down when someone is like just trying to
(05:08):
love them and show them love andthey're operating from a place
of like, Oh my God, this is so scary.
And they just shut down and likedisappear or block you or ignore
you or whatever. And the anxious attachment is
like, what the fuck did I do? Like I was just trying to show
you love. I was just trying to be there
for you. I was just trying to show up for
you in all the ways, you know, that I that I, that, you know, I
(05:30):
show up for people that I care about and I love, you know, why
are you treating me like I'm, I'm too much or I'm a lot or
that love is, you know, my love is scary.
And you know, and so like I've watched like different TikTok
videos and Facebook videos and, and stuff like that.
And I've read things because it kind of falls in line with the
(05:54):
kind of spiritual journey I was thrust on with this other person
just kind of forced on. But there's, there's a lot of
inner similarities in that journey that falls in line with
(06:15):
anxious avoidant, anxious attachment and all of that.
And so like I said, I've watchedvideos, I've read about it and
then nothing, I mean nothing is quite resonated like this
gentleman who I found his videosby accident last night.
And then I kind of went down a rabbit hole and was watching a
(06:37):
ton of his videos on his Instagram page as usual because
I'm horrible with remembering names and relaying information.
I don't remember what his page is called but I can like add it
to the description later. But he just delivered this
information to me in the most loving yet harshest way.
(07:01):
And something just clicked in meand I just woke up feeling so
much clarity, so much better understanding this morning that
I'm like, OK, maybe I can finally fully detach for myself
and move on. And so I what he made me realize
(07:22):
which I kind of started questioning myself, but I don't
know, I guess I needed it to be delivered in this way is that
anxious attachment types tend toproject their mother wound or
their father wound onto an anxious avoidant.
(07:46):
Maybe they even project them onto like other anxious
attachment people or secure people.
But it probably that secure person or that anxious
attachment person probably is able to is better like regulated
or familiar with it that they can, I don't know help calm
(08:07):
their insecurities I guess or calm their I don't know.
I don't know. But I just know because I feel
like 2 anxious attachment peoplework very well together because
I think Tiger and I are both anxious attachment and because
we are both operating from a place of like, we get insecure
(08:29):
sometimes and we have to reassure one another and make
sure, you know, ask and you know, like, because we both get
in this headspace, we're like, do you still love me?
Do you still want me? Like, am I still all you want?
Like, you know, and like, we both will do that sometimes even
though the other person's behavior hasn't changed or
anything. But you just you need
(08:49):
reassurance and anxious attachment.
People I feel like are the perfect individuals who be able
to because they want to give love so much and they want to be
loved so much and they're very like comfortable in their own
skin in regards to if I'm too much go find less.
(09:14):
And I mean, well, well, that's the place that they have to get
to. That would be a healed anxious
attachment. Is that like they're going to
give you love, They're going to show love and they're not going
to, they're going to be unapologetic about it and
they're not going to be ashamed of their heart.
I think that's a healed anxious attachment person.
Maybe a more unhealed anxious attachment person is going to
(09:37):
shrink themselves and dim their light and be like, well, what
did I do wrong? You know, I was just trying to
show you love, but I feel like ahealed or healing anxious
attachment person. They're not going to think that
their partner is too much or tooneedy or anything like that.
They're going to be like, OK, I understand that my partner is
(09:59):
feeling a little insecure right now.
I need to make sure I fill them up in all the areas that
they're, you know, feeling unsure about and make sure that
I remind them how much they meanto me and how much I love them
and stuff. But but yes, from from the way
this man, I think he was like hemight have been even some sort
(10:21):
of like doctor or something, theway he delivered this
information to me, even though I've heard it in different
variations and stuff and startedquestioning it myself.
Yes. And from what I'm learning is
that anxious attachments will project their father or mother
wound typically on to anxious avoidance.
(10:43):
And that's kind of why they end up running and then the anxious
attachment ends up chasing. And that's what I did in my
connection with this individual that I feel and I've had tons of
validation and proof of this that I share like a spiritual
(11:04):
connection with. And the exact same thing
happened to us. But at the time, I didn't
realize what I was doing and I didn't realize what was
happening to me. But no, going as far as I have
on this journey and learning what I have learned.
Yes, I absolutely projected my father wound onto him and
weren't we're not in communication.
(11:26):
He doesn't speak to me anymore. I'm actually blocked on
everything And I understand why and I I respect him needing
space and distance but but for me at the end of the day it was
always about. I just really miss my friend.
So all that aside, like if I wasgiven the opportunity to ever, I
(11:51):
would absolutely want to apologize to him because that
had to have been extremely overwhelming and hard for him to
take in that I was projecting myfather would on to him.
He had triggered something in mefor whatever reason, I think
maybe because I had admired so much about what a great dad he
(12:12):
was. And it I think it made me
realize in all the ways that my own father didn't show up for
me. And I don't know.
I mean, yeah, absolutely. And I remember just being
(12:34):
enamored and thinking it was a very like, admirable trait in
him that he showed up for everything having to do with his
kids and that he loved his kids so much.
And when he would speak about them, you know, he would just
light up and everything. And like, I don't know.
But there's so much more to it just because we have this like,
(12:57):
soul tie to one another. So there's a lot more that went
into it, but now that I understand what I understand and
how far I've moved along on my spiritual journey and my healing
journey, I can recognize now that yes, I projected my father
wound onto him and it then persuaded him to run and then me
(13:21):
chase. Because I didn't understand why
my friend suddenly didn't want to talk to me anymore, suddenly
didn't want to be around me anymore, just suddenly kicked me
out of his life. So yeah, like I absolutely
apologize and I'm sorry for that.
What kind of like pain and hurt or whatever that could have
caused him or even triggered forhim because he was a mirror for
(13:45):
me and I was a mirror for him. So I imagine that had to have
been like terrifying and triggering and painful for him
because I'm, I'm holding up a mirror to him and showing him
all of his wounds that he needs to heal.
He was showing putting up a mirror to me and showing me all
my wounds that I needed to heal.So, but you're regardless, like
(14:06):
I'm very sorry to him, but coming to like this pivotal
realization and clarity and all that, I just, I woke up feeling
like amazing, like not that I have it all figured out, but
that I've levelled up on this healing spiritual journey
because I've come to this realization because over the
(14:29):
past almost 2 years, I have beenon an accelerated healing
journey and I have done so much work, so much inner work, so
much inner child work, shadow work, healing and working
through my father wounds, my mother wounds and all other
wounds that I have. And, but I don't, I don't
believe you're ever done. I don't believe you're ever done
(14:51):
healing. But you know, just like the way
I look at the world view, the world is so different than I did
two years ago. There's people that I no longer
really resonate or relate with anymore.
I wish them well, hope they heal.
But like, my mindset has like shifted just greatly.
(15:12):
I naturally gravitated to like spirituality and like healing
and on different types of practices and stuff.
And I'm just all about wanting to have inner union with myself
and reaching like, you know, themost, like hire me the most, you
(15:37):
know, have union with my highestself, my highest, you know,
inner self and, you know, reconnected with the divine, you
know, in my own unique way. This will go over a lot of
people's heads. They won't understand what the
fuck I'm talking about. And that's OK.
That just means that this hasn'thappened to you.
(15:58):
You haven't met someone that would became the catalyst for
all your healing. Everybody has this person and
everyone has a soul twin that isin another vessel that depending
on where you are in your healingjourney in every lifetime, they
will eventually come forward. And you know, be that mirror and
(16:21):
be that catalyst for your your journey.
And other people, you know, their catalyst may be a very
traumatic event that happened tothem like a like a death or you
know, they lost a loved one or something or were in a horrible
accident. Like the catalyst come in
different forms, but for me it came in the form of a person who
(16:44):
matched my soul, but they were in another vessel so it was just
a whole thing. Broke me completely open.
Was the saddest I've ever been in my entire life.
Cried. I've never cried more than in
the past two years, but a lot ofthat crying was due to me being
broken open and being forced to heal.
(17:06):
So, you know, I thank this person for the journey.
I thank them for being the catalyst and being the mirror.
And I'm just going to continue living my life and being on my
journey. And I hope you know the best for
(17:28):
them and that they're happy, thriving, healing, living their
life, you know? So ANYWAYS, yeah, I just, I woke
up feeling really fucking good today.
And I haven't felt as good in a long time.
Because this is what I've been getting, wanting to get back to
the whole time is getting back to me, finding me again, finding
(17:52):
my spark, re being being reacquainted with my spark.
And I'm really feeling like today is day one.
And I just, if it feels amazing,it feels amazing because all
I've wanted this whole time is to get back to myself, you know,
And I think that's the greatest gift that you can give yourself.
(18:14):
And I guess somebody else can give you is the gift of being
able to find yourself again. But anyways, switching gears, I
wanted. So like I said, I the little
while, a little break that I took, I had been writing down
(18:36):
topics for episodes. So this one, it's kind of
similar to the last one about like, you know, I'm finally
safe. Why am I now crashing out?
Basically like, why is my traumacatching?
Like this one is more talking about, you know, when you aren't
(19:01):
used to, you know, adjusting to a good man when you've had bad
ones. And so it's a little similar to
the last one, but not really. And I'm speaking from experience
because Tiger was the first goodgreat man that ever blessed and
(19:23):
graced my life. After having failed
relationships and being with fuck boys and having my time
wasted and going on like dating websites and then going on dates
with guys who completely disrespected me.
All they wanted was to like get in my pants and then like tell
me that I'm their girlfriend. But then after they got what
(19:46):
they wanted, like disappear or just suddenly ghost me or get
really flaky or only text me or call me when they wanted
something, usually sex. And I was, I'm not used to that.
Like I've always been a relationship type girl.
I've always been a long term relationship type girl.
And so after my oldest daughter's dad and me trying to
(20:09):
navigate the dating world like it was very foreign for me.
I don't understand games. I don't know how to play them.
I, I was never good at that stuff.
And I remember like talking to my best friend Spencer a lot
And, and because he's very good at playing games, like he's very
good at playing the game, you know, like don't hate to play a
(20:31):
hate the game like that. Like he, he was good at that.
I mean, there were times where there were girls that baffled
the shit out of him and they were playing the game better
than he was. But for the most part, I would
usually take my advice from him.Like, OK, like this guy is not.
We hung out on Friday and then he hasn't text me back for a
(20:52):
couple days, even though he saidhe would like, what do I do now?
You know, and I just, I never and I, I understood that the
person that like had the ball, it was in their court that they
basically held all the power. I knew that the person that
pretended like they cared the least had all the power, which
(21:15):
is like such a fucked up dynamic.
But I understood that enough. Like I had, I had been like
played around enough. I remember there was this one
guy, like I was in cosmetology and barbering school and I
remember and this is how out of my element I was, like how naive
and how young and just not understanding like dating and
(21:38):
being like, you know, like a fuck buddy with somebody and
everything. Like I was so out of my depth
because I was just used to beinga girlfriend.
I was used to being with somebody for like a couple years
and I remember like I don't evenremember.
Like I, I don't know, like I think I told my friends I liked
him and like, I was trying to bebold and kind of talk to him.
(22:01):
I don't remember how it got started at all.
And it's really not even important.
But I just remember that it got to the point where, you know,
and I was taking the bus then and I lived in Tooele and I was
taking the bus to Salt Lake every day for school.
And I remember I would stay after school to go hook up with
(22:23):
him and like, he would like, drive me to his apartment.
And, you know, we would hook up.And then there was a couple
times where I think he actually drove me all the way home.
Yeah, I don't think I ever had to catch the bus home.
I think each time he did drive me home, but like it was all on
(22:44):
the low, low because he had beendating some woman that like
lived in another city or something.
And so it was more like I was like his side piece or something
because this girl lived far awayand he didn't see her very often
that much. I kind of understood, but then I
remember at some point I kind ofstarted understanding the game a
(23:08):
little bit better because I remember there would be times
where he would hit me up becausehe he needed something and I was
like, Nope, busy because I was already hooking up with somebody
else. And so that was me getting a
little bit better at playing thegame because it was like, Nah,
*** I'm not. I'm not dropping everything that
(23:32):
I'm doing to go hook up with you.
Like we're not doing that. And I remember like patting
myself on the back like Mercedes, you're getting this,
like you're figuring this out because normally I would have
been like, all right, I'm on my way or come pick me up, you
know? And I was like, no, like I'm
(23:52):
busy. And I remember him like begging.
And I'm like, no bro, like, but I didn't want to like give it
away that like I'm also like hang out with somebody else, you
know? And but I remember, I remember
getting in my feelings because Ihad went to a club with my
friends and he was there and I and I was, I was lit because if
(24:17):
I hadn't have been, I don't eventhink I would have walked up and
said hi to him. But I walked up and said hi to
him and he like, was like, hey, like, now's not a good time.
And that was communicated to me that his girl was with him.
And sure enough, she was. And I remember getting so in my
feelings and getting so hurt andso upset and thinking later,
(24:40):
like I remember I had a friend who like sent me like a song.
It was by Casely and it was called emotional or something
like talking about like, I didn't expect to see you in this
club. Every time I see you, I get so
emotional. And I remember like at the time
that that hit hard like that, that shit was like it resonated.
(25:01):
But looking back on it, I'm like, are you fucking kidding
me? Like you fucking kidding me?
I didn't have any feelings for this guy, but because I'm an
empath, because I'm a, you know,fucking giver, I'm a, what's the
word, an enneagram #2 I'm a giver.
(25:25):
Like I love hard. I love with my entire heart.
Like I walk around with my heartoutside my body because I feel
deeply and I fall quickly and hard.
Even though I didn't actually have genuine feelings for this
guy, I just remember like feeling some kind of way about
it and then just being like, allright, fuck him.
And then I think after that I just stopped talking to him.
(25:48):
But looking back on and I'm like, Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh,
like, why did you even care? Why do you even care?
Like, who cares? You know, you guys were just
fucking. How was it Like, it was just
sex? Like, why the fuck do you care?
But that was me. That was young, early 20s me.
Like, I just, you know, if you spent enough time with me and I
(26:11):
was probably going to catch feelings, you know, and that's
not a bad thing. People that, like, fall hard and
easy, like don't let anybody make you feel like there's
something wrong with you becausethere's not.
You just have a big ass heart and that's beautiful.
You know, the right person will respond to it.
But yeah, that's what I wanted to get to.
(26:33):
I wasted my time on several dumbboys who, you know, weren't, you
know, meant for me. And what is meant for you will
not miss you like it'll not it'll it'll show up right on
time. It's it's yours.
(26:54):
Like, what is meant for you is not going to pass you by, you
know? And what isn't for you, that's
OK, Bye. You don't need it anyway.
It may take you some time to realize you don't need it, but
you don't need it. But what is meant for you, that
shit's not going to miss you. Like it's coming.
It's coming or it's coming back around, but whatever is meant
(27:16):
for you, it's not going to pass you by.
OK? And none of these people were
meant for me. And it wasn't until Tiger came
into my life that that became abundantly clear.
I remember after getting with Tiger it when I would try to
think about my dating life before him, it felt very foggy.
(27:39):
Very foggy. It felt like it was like a
different lifetime. Like literally it felt like I
dreamt it and it never actually happened.
It was a very weird feeling. But it just all those people
that ever hurt me, they just kind of fell away, kind of fell
away. And I remember thinking coming
(28:00):
to the realization, that's why it never worked out with any of
those other guys because it wasn't supposed to.
I was supposed to be with Tiger because yeah, I had I had some
decent friends back then who like were a phone call away and
(28:25):
would come over with like a caseof like wine coolers or
whatever. Anytime something went left with
some guy that I was like dating.And like, I remember there was
this other guy. I met him on Plenty of Fish and
I think I've talked about him inthe past episode.
I don't remember, but everythingwas going good.
(28:48):
And I can literally feel, I could literally tell you the
exact moment that he was like, oh, shit.
And then he ghosted me. We had been hanging out that
evening. I think we were like wrestling
on my bed, just like joking around.
And he was like tickling me and stuff.
And I remember feeling somethingand I felt him feel that
(29:09):
something for a split second too.
And is like, oh shit, OK, Feelings are being formed.
And I think that scared the shitout of him because he wasn't
actually trying to be tied down to anybody.
He was still going to the club like every fucking night and
stuff. But after that, after that
evening, he fucking ghosted me. And I remember I cried about it
(29:33):
for like, I don't know, like a month.
I don't remember. It was so long ago.
I don't remember at all at all. And it was ridiculous.
Like I would take my daughter toschool and then I'd be on the
bus on my way to work and I'd just be crying every fucking day
and then I'd go to bed at night and cry because I don't do well
(29:56):
with being ghosted. I don't do well with being
ignored. It completely crumbles my being
and I start to lose myself and Istart to wonder about my worth
and why someone just threw me away and it it really fucks me
up mentally. It's a very cruel thing to ghost
someone or suddenly ignore somebody.
(30:18):
So fucking cruel and so I don't remember exactly how long it
was. And he wasn't completely
ignoring me. I would call him and he would
answer but he would pretend to be his brother and claim that he
moved to California. It was so stupid.
But in reality, he was just backon Plenty of Fish trying to hit
up other girls. And I found that out later and
(30:42):
it was like, so stupid. But like, eventually he just
started hitting me up again. And he came over and I remember
I bitched him out for fucking doing that to me.
Like, like, that's so fucked up.Like if you didn't want to like,
date me anymore, if you don't want to see me anymore, then
just fucking like communicate like, like, you know, And I
(31:04):
don't. And then I don't remember
anything after that. I think he kind of like laughed
it off and acted like it was no big deal, that he hurt my
feelings. And then I think we hung out
that night and I have no memory of him whatsoever after that.
No memory whatsoever. I don't think we ever hung out
again. And I think after I was able to
bitch him out, I was perfectly healed.
(31:26):
Like I was totally fine. I was over it.
I got to say my piece because that always makes me feel better
when I can tell somebody about themselves and how they fucked
up and then I'm good. But I have no memory of him
after that. And then I think sometime after
that was when, like a few monthslater was when Tiger came to the
(31:47):
picture. But yeah, he was one of the
people in my mind after me and Tiger got together, that I was
like, ah, that's why it didn't work out with him or him or him
or him. You know, they all wasted my
time. And everything went the way it
was supposed to go because I wassupposed to be with Tiger.
And then that just became abundantly clear to me.
(32:09):
And but I still didn't know whatto do with Tiger, even though it
never felt too good to be true with him.
I never had the feeling of when is the other shoe going to drop?
I didn't have the same anxietiesand insecurities like I had with
the past guys. Like everything just felt very
comfortable, very safe. With Tiger, he never felt like
(32:30):
he was being performative. He never felt like he was trying
too hard. He was just authentically being
himself. And I remember I felt that
because with other guys before him, if they said like stupid
shit, like, oh, you know, you'rethe one I've been thinking about
all day or oh, you're so beautiful.
Or just, you know, something, something smooth, something
charming. It always like, I always saw
(32:52):
right through that shit. And I'd be like, yeah, whatever.
I'm sure you say that to all thegirls.
You know, I'd say something likethat and I just, I just never
really believed them. But I didn't have anything else
going on. So it was just like, whatever,
I'll let this dumb fuck boy lie to me, you know, because like, I
wasn't fucking stupid. Like I, I could see right
(33:14):
through that shit. I mean, was there, was there
still things that I needed to learn and and red flags I needed
to pay attention to? Sure, but with Tiger, when he
would compliment me or say kind things to me or nice or sweet
things to me and never felt charming and never felt like he
was trying to get anywhere with me and never felt performative
(33:35):
and never felt like fake or anything.
Like I knew with 100% certainty that I was the only person that
he was talking to, that I was the only person that he was
talking to in that way. He never left any room for me to
question, spiral, overthink, nothing.
(33:56):
I never had to wonder why isn't he texting me back?
Because he was always texting me.
I never had to wonder like, why hasn't he called me?
Because he was always calling me.
And it was just the right amount.
Like just the right amount, you know?
Like it wasn't suffocating, it wasn't overwhelming.
(34:17):
Like he was never too much. He was just the right amount for
me. And he made me feel secure.
I could rely on him. I could depend on him.
I knew he was going to show up. But even though deep down I knew
all this, I still didn't know what the fuck to do with him.
(34:41):
There was still something in my nervous system that was still
kind of unregulated and still scared.
Because all I had had was bad ones.
All I had had was guys that liedto me, played games, cheated on
me, you know, whatever. Tried to fuck my friends,
whatever. So even though I could see the
(35:07):
clear contrast difference between Tiger and these other
dudes, I still, this was still foreign territory for me.
Like what am I supposed to do with this guy?
Like he's, he's so great, but healso scares the shit out of me
because I'm not used to this. Like didn't scare the shit out
of me in a bad way, but scare the shit out of me in like, I
(35:29):
don't know what to do with you. Like I'm not used to you.
And so, yeah, I still had my trust issues.
I still came with my baggage. I still tested him.
I still threw everything in my arsenal at him and he just
caught everything perfectly. You know, he handled it all
(35:51):
perfectly. I just, I don't think anybody
could ever have taken all the shit that I was throwing at
Tiger. Like Tiger was able to like, I
say this all the time. Like there's nobody on the
planet that can handle me. Like Tiger handles me.
Nobody, nobody, nobody. Because I am a lot.
(36:17):
A lot. And I can be a real fucking
bitch too. I know that I can be.
And nobody puts up with me or handles me or takes my shit like
Tiger does and he takes it like GGOAT, OK?
And he just. He gets me.
He hears me when I'm loud, he hears me when I'm silent, he
(36:40):
hears me when I'm saying nothingat all.
He hears me when I'm sad, angry,like he happy, whatever.
Like he sees me and he hears me and he just gets me.
Is he perfect? Absolutely not.
Neither am I. But he's perfect for me.
(37:02):
He's the kind of perfect that I need it and So what?
What to do, what to do? Well, I can tell you what not to
do, what not to do. You know, I just wow.
(37:25):
Like, I know it's hard. It's hard to trust, it's hard to
just relinquish insecurities. It's hard to just remove them.
And there's no fast and easy wayreally.
I think for me, it was time. It was time.
(37:46):
Like I just, I had to be with him for a while for my nervous
system and my brain and and everything to kind of start to
click and communicate together that we are safe.
This guy isn't gonna hurt us. He's not gonna go anywhere.
(38:07):
He's not gonna change up. He's not gonna cheat.
He's not gonna flirt with my friends.
He's not gonna disrespect me. He's not gonna harm me.
He wasn't giving me any reason to think that he would do any of
those things. But because I was used to being
in survival mode, I was used to being mistreated.
(38:28):
I was used to being disrespectedor cheated on or talk too crazy.
Like I, you know, even though hewas giving me no inclination, no
sign that he was. Excuse me?
That he was going to be what I was used to.
(38:50):
It was still all my nervous system was used to.
So even though he wasn't, you know, doing anything to trigger
me or make me think that he was going to be like I had before,
like my nervous system was stillon alert, you know?
Yeah. So, so yeah, for me it was like
(39:15):
just time, Like you can't rush it.
I mean, but definitely don't ignore the red flags.
Definitely don't ignore the red flags because you could think
that the person that you're withchecks all your boxes and shows
up for you the way you need themto and all of that stuff.
(39:36):
Like it may appear that way and you know, they're making you
happy and all of that, but stillbe on alert and especially in
the beginning, still pay attention to the red flags, you
know, have standards, have boundaries.
Don't freaking, you know, let them freaking.
(40:02):
Don't make them think that you're fucking like the Statue
of Liberty and are like. Bring me you're hungry.
Bring me you're broke boys. Bring me your men with daddy
issues and mommy issues and you know, bring me your unfaithful
and fool that won't get a job. You know, don't do that.
(40:26):
Don't do that. Don't just be taken in all these
unhealed, unregulated nervous system have all types of issues
and insecurities that they haven't worked through with a
therapist or whatever. Don't do that.
Like, don't you know, because that will just, I feel like that
(40:52):
will just delay you longer be, you know, because you want to
believe so bad that this person is your person and that they're
the one that you're supposed to be with.
No, don't do that. Like it doesn't matter if for
the first six weeks or the firstthree weeks, things have been
really good. Still be on alert, still have
(41:13):
your wits about you. Like don't, don't go looking for
red flags, don't go looking for issues, but still be aware, you
know, because that takes time. It takes time getting to know
somebody and spending time with them and seeing them and all
their different elements and alltheir different moods.
(41:34):
Don't be so quick to like jump in with into something with
somebody just because you're fucking lonely.
I mean, yeah, being lonely sucks.
Being on your own sucks. But like you're just delaying
your your blessing further when you are wasting your time on
somebody that's not truly for you.
(41:55):
Like if right out the gate from jump, they're displaying red
flags and they're moving janky and doing some weird shit or
projecting all their insecurities or mommy issues or
daddy issues or whatever on you from out the gate.
But then they mask all that drama, all those problems with
(42:18):
like, Oh well, I take you places, I buy you dinner or, you
know, I'm good and better, whatever.
Like no, no, no, no, no. All those red flags that you
chose to rug sweep, like they didn't go anywhere.
They will continue to pop up later.
And by then you've been loved bombed, and you've like had the
(42:43):
freaking wool put over your eyesby, you know, a fucking expert
narcissist or something. Like, don't do that.
So, yeah, even though in the beginning with Tiger, everything
felt amazing and it felt organicand it felt real and genuine.
(43:05):
I still even though he wasn't giving me any reason to have my
feelers up and like looking for red flags or anything like that,
I was still making sure I was reserving myself a little bit
even though he wasn't. Like I said, he wasn't giving me
(43:27):
any reason to be on alert or anything after I had what I had
been through. I think I was just already
naturally that way a little bit,even though he was doing a great
job of calming my nervous system.
But like I said, it still took time.
It still took time. You can't rushed that stuff,
(43:49):
especially when you've had a history of having bad ones and
then you have a good one. And it can be like scary and
unfamiliar because you're like, is this person for real?
Like, is this person for real? And it can be overwhelming and
just kind of a shock to your system.
(44:09):
But like I said, for me, I just,I don't know, without meaning
to, I threw everything in my arsenal at Tiger and then I
watched how he handled it all and he handled it all
beautifully. Like I remember, you know, being
(44:30):
triggered. Not because he triggered me or
meant to or anything like that, but I remember this is when I
became because I was safe. This is when I realized that all
my triggers and stuff started tosurface.
And this is one of the ways thatI really had to Start learning
(44:50):
that he was a real one because of the way he responded and to
my triggers and insecurities andstuff.
And he didn't turn around and get angry at me or create
further triggers or trauma for me.
So there was this one time whereI had called him and his phone
(45:12):
had been sitting on his bed. He was in the other room with
his niece and her then boyfriend, now husband because
they lived with him at the time.And he was in the other room
talking to them. And I remember I called him and
he didn't answer. And immediately my nervous
system got completely unregulated and I started to
(45:35):
flip the fuck out. Like my, my, my anxiety around
my fear of being ignored, being in ghosts, being ghosted
immediately kicked in and I justlike was completely unregulated
and just started freaking out. And so then I just kept calling
him and calling him and calling him.
(45:57):
And the more times I called and he didn't answer, the more
freaked out I got. And I remember in my mind I was
thinking he's ghosting me, he's ignoring me now.
He doesn't want anything to do with me.
He decided he doesn't like me and he doesn't know how to tell
me in my face. So he's just going to let me
blow up his phone until he ignores or blocks me or
(46:17):
something. And so yeah, I, I started to
flip out and then I don't know if he just eventually called me
back a few minutes later or if he answered.
And I just remember I was ready to just let him have it.
I was ready to blow up on him. And he handled it so well.
And he was just like, I was justlike, why didn't you answer?
(46:38):
Like, I don't really remember exactly what was said because
this was like a zillion years ago, but I was like, why didn't
you answer the phone? And he was like, oh, babe, I'm
sorry. Like I was, I was in the other
room. I was, I was talking, I'm not
going to say people's names, butlike he said his niece's name
and her boyfriend's name. And he was like, I'm sorry.
I left my phone on my bed. I didn't hear it.
(46:58):
Like, are you OK? And I was.
And then just by him asking, just by him having a calm tone
and then asking me in a very calm, nice, are you OK?
And I was just like, I immediately started to come
down. And then I felt ridiculous
because I was like, why the hellwas I freaking out?
But it's because it's what I wasused to.
(47:20):
I was used to being abandoned. I was used to being ghosted or
ignored or somebody liking me one day and then throwing me
away the next. And so that's what I was
expecting. And so, yeah, when you are
coming from having bad relationships and then having a
good one, be aware that that kind of stuff will happen to
(47:44):
you, especially if you are coming in with insecurities and
baggage and trauma from past relationships.
There will be times where your nervous system will get like
unregulated, not on purpose, butthese things will happen.
(48:05):
And this is just stuff that you will have to heal and work
through. I can tell you don't get into a
relationship until you've healedyour stuff.
But let's be honest, most peopledon't do that.
Most people don't go inward and go, OK, these, this is all the
scars that I came out with from my past relationship.
I better not date yet. I better sit with myself for a
(48:29):
while and heal and figure out who I am, what I want, what I
don't want, you know, and, and you know, heal and work on
things in me. Most people don't do that.
Most people get into another relationship and bring all that
stuff into the new relationship.So I'm most people.
(48:50):
So that's what I did. I mean, yes, I had, I had been
single for a little bit before Tiger and I got together, but I
still hadn't gone inward and started working on myself.
I didn't know at the time that there was anything to work on.
You know, I didn't realize I hadinsecurities and and baggage and
trauma and triggers until I got with Tiger.
Because I was finally in a safe space and a safe relationship
(49:14):
that all that stuff eventually surfaced.
And it was like, Oh yeah, I got to heal all this.
I got to heal all this stuff because it's not fair to be
projecting at all on this. Like, sweet, amazing man that's
just trying to love me. And so, yeah, I don't.
(49:36):
So yeah, I mean, my advice wouldbe to look inward and figure out
what your trauma and triggers and stuff are beforehand before
you get into another relationship.
But that's not always reality. So, you know, just be aware that
if you have come to the the point where you realize that you
were in a safe, healthy, functioning, good relationship
(49:59):
for the first time in your life,have grace, have patience with
yourself. Understand that heavy stuff may
bubble to the surface at this point.
It may start to now that you're,you are finally safe and your
nervous system recognizes that it is safe.
And like I said, allow yourself patience.
(50:21):
Allow yourself grace. Allow yourself time.
Like if this person hasn't shownany red flags, if they haven't
done anything to scare you or make you feel like you need to
be on alert. If they are just there loving
the everliving crap out of you and showing up for you and all
the ways that you've always needed but didn't get before and
(50:43):
just checking all your boxes andjust just being fucking amazing.
Just know that your stuff may start to come to the surface.
And you know, I recommend speaking to a professional if it
starts to just really get in theway of your relationship or just
(51:04):
the way that you feel. But if you have found your
person, this isn't going to scare them.
This isn't going to scare them away.
This isn't going to deter them. They're going to be there for
you no matter what. They're going to love you no
matter what. They're going to continue to
show up and be by your side no matter what.
Even if all your stuff is now coming out and it's kind of
(51:28):
being directed at them, even though they didn't cause all
that pain. If they are your person, they're
going to understand and they're going to stay and they're going
to ride that out with you and they're going to love you until
you feel like you again. And they may have their own
stuff that they also realized have come to the surface now,
(51:48):
you know? And so that's just then you guys
are just tasked with, you know, healing and working through your
stuff so you guys can continue to blossom and grow your
beautiful relationship. So yeah, like, but I get it.
It's, it's scary when you've just been used to having awful,
(52:09):
dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships with people and
then you get into one that is healthy and it's beautiful and
it's regulated and it's organic and flowing the way it should
be. Like love, when it's real, when
it's right, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.
(52:31):
It doesn't leave you, you know, bruised and scarred and confused
and spiraling and unsure of yourself.
It doesn't real love when it's real, true, true, real, the
right love for you. It doesn't make you feel
unregulated. It doesn't make you feel unsafe.
(52:54):
It doesn't make you feel like you need to dim your light or
shrink yourself. It makes you feel seen, heard,
you do the work and learning to regulate yourself while they're
also helping regulate you. It feels healthy.
It feels just beautiful. You wake up every day just
(53:15):
feeling amazing. I remember with Tiger, I felt
like when I get out of bed everyday, I feel like I could
freaking fly if I wanted to. That's how good it felt.
And it still feels that way. Like, yeah, we're thirteen years
in and five years married, and we have kids and stress and car
(53:37):
issues and money issues and whathave you.
And sometimes we're not communicating like we should and
we're arguing or we're not seeing eye to eye or whatever.
But you know, real relationships, you argue,
sometimes you have disagreements.
There's days where you don't particularly like each other,
(54:00):
but you continue to show up every single day and fall in
love with that person over and over again every single day.
And you continue to get up and do the work and, and continue to
just try and vow to do better the next day, day after day
after day. But in those beginning stages,
those beginning years, you're still learning each other.
(54:22):
You're still seeing every insurance and out and aspect of
their, of who they are as a person, all their moods, all
their, you know, the whole entire personality that makes up
them. And then when you've had a
couple years with them, you see how they shift and change
through hard times, losing a job, losing a loved one, you see
(54:47):
how they shift and change and how they handle different
things. And, you know, you go through
and ride that stuff out together.
But yeah, like for the, I guess the best advice I can give
looking back on that all being new for me is just you just, you
(55:11):
got to just be patient with yourself.
And cause yeah, one day it just clicked for me.
I don't need to keep fighting this man.
I don't need to keep throwing all my baggage and my triggers
and my trauma at him and seeing how he reacts to it.
I don't, I don't need to keep testing him.
(55:33):
Like he's proven to me time and time and time and time again
that he's not going anywhere, that he loves me no matter what,
that he's going to be here no matter what, no matter how
difficult I am or how big of a fucking brat I am, you know,
he's not going anywhere. And it just kind of clicked for
(55:53):
me one day. Like, knock it off.
Like if you don't stop this, if you don't stop throwing your
walls up, throwing your defensesup, you know, saying things
like, you know, maybe we shouldn't be together.
Maybe we should just break up. Or because I was coming
operating from a very defensive place of every tiny time we had
(56:15):
an argument, my mindset was, well, I'm going to leave you
before you can leave me. I'm going to hurt you before you
can hurt me. And so I would say things like,
well, maybe we shouldn't be together.
Maybe we should a divorce and Tiger never understood why I
would go to that place. Like why do you go there?
Why do you do that? Like we're just having a
(56:35):
disagreement. We're just having an argument
like I don't want to not be withyou.
I love you. I don't want to get a divorce.
I don't want to break up with you.
Like we're just having an argument.
Like, why do you go to that extreme?
But it's just, it's what I was used to.
When you're used to being left or when you're used for used to
someone not fighting for you, You just, that's just the place
(56:56):
that you operate from. And so then having this
completely different person fromwhat I've always known before,
having this completely differentperson, that's like, no, I'm not
going anywhere. It was like what?
Like like you're fighting for me.
Like, yeah, but that, yeah, thatperson that's for you, your
(57:21):
person that was created just foryou.
Like they're not going to give up on you.
That doesn't, that doesn't give you a pass or an excuse to treat
them horribly or, or continue totest them and throw all your
trauma and stuff and and continue to be unhealed.
Because I believe that everybodyreaches their breaking point.
Everybody gets to a point where they're like, you know what?
(57:42):
I'm fucking done, you know, and even then they may still love
you after that, but everybody gets to that point.
You know, everybody eventually eventually gets to that point.
So, so don't do that. Don't the person that's loving
you the way you were always meant to be loved.
(58:05):
If it gets to a point where you have just been testing them and
throwing all that trauma and stuff at them for years and
years and years and years and years.
You definitely need to look inward and and go do the work
with a professional and begin toheal.
Because there may, there may come a day where that, where
that person that has loved you unconditionally and completely
(58:29):
all those years and has proven to you time and time again how
much they love you and they're not going anywhere and they're
not going to abandon you. But you just keep pushing them
and pushing them and pushing them.
Because even I know that even I know there's been times where
I've been like, girl, you betterstop.
You better stop. Like this man can only be pushed
so many times if you know he's going to and, and he and he has
(58:53):
gotten to that point. He has there has been times over
the years where I have really pushed him and he's been like,
I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore.I don't know how much more I can
more times I can prove to you how much I fucking love you and
how much I want to be with you. So if you want to tell me again
that you're done, then fine. You know, And I mean, we're
(59:18):
obviously still together. So we worked through those
intense moments. But I understand why he finally
got to those places when he got there because I just kept
pushing and pushing and pushing.Everybody has their breaking
point. So when you have a good one,
when you have your person and you're still unhealed and
unregulated, keep that in mind that there may come a day where
(59:44):
they will say they're done and they're done and they're done.
And then you lost a good one. You know, So if you recognize in
you that you have insecurities, that you have unhealed aspects
of you that you project onto your partner, you need, you need
to go get some help. You need to go take care of
(01:00:04):
yourself. You need to go speak to someone,
work with someone that can help you.
So yeah, but, you know, be patient.
Give yourself grace, wrap your arms around yourself and give
yourself all the love that you didn't get either in your
childhood or in past relationships.
(01:00:27):
You're worth it. You're worth loving.
You matter. You deserve to be seen, you
deserve to be heard, you deserveto be loved and cared about and
fought for. But you have to know that, you
have to believe that and give that love to yourself.
(01:00:50):
Show up for yourself, see and hear yourself.
Love the ever living shit out ofyourself.
So when somebody else is trying to love the ever living shit out
of you, you don't fight it and it doesn't scare the shit out of
you. You know?
That's why healing is so fuckingimportant.
(01:01:11):
But I'm going to call it here. I really, one of these days I
will make one of these episodes only 30 minutes long, you know?
But if you've been rocking with me through this whole thing, I
appreciate you. You're a real 1.
And like I said, like I've said in past episodes, I appreciate
all the positive feedback I've been getting.
(01:01:31):
I love the messages that I've received about how my podcast
has, you know, resonated with you.
And I love sharing or I love hearing your personal stories
and stuff like that. So, you know, keep sending those
to me. Keep sharing that with me.
I appreciate it. And as I always say, be fucking
kind. Be fucking kind.
(01:01:53):
We don't know what other people are going through, so just be
there for others. And if the best you can do is be
kind, then please be fucking kind or shut the fuck up.
You can't be kind to somebody. Just don't say nothing.
Just be quiet. Just be quiet.
But I will see you on the next one.
Thanks for listening to another episode with Play with Your
(01:02:15):
Dick, Not me. Love you all, bye.
Hey, hey hey y'all, it's Friday.Welcome to another episode of
Play with Your Dick Not me episode 18 you episode 18.
But I think I this is going to be a pre recording and I will
release this on Monday. I am just feeling really good
(00:24):
today. Really, really good.
Like I said in the last episode,episode 17, I think I had done
something near the end of the episode that like I really do
feel like things are going to turn a corner and just start
(00:44):
getting better. Like I can just feel it.
I have like this weird inner Noni weird inner knowing and I
just, I don't know how to explain it.
I kind of just acquired it over the last year.
It's probably all part of my my spiritual gifts coming to the
(01:05):
forefront after going through myspiritual awakening.
But I'll just get this weird inner knowing.
But this one, it's hard to explain, but it's just like, I
don't know, everything inside mybody, inside my soul just felt
like a hug. Like it just felt like there was
(01:27):
magic swirling through me. Know if any of that even got
probably not. It was weird 'cause like it just
the, the, the recording line just went flat.
So it probably didn't even pick up the conversation.
That's OK, Sorry, Tiger called me.
(01:49):
He's at work, but because I don't have my car right now, I
need when he gets home, I need him to take us to the grocery
store. And you know, he's worked all
day. I've worked all day.
And so he's just tired and he's like, Are you sure you got to go
grocery shopping? Like yes, yes, babe, we do.
We got to get a couple things. So yeah, hopefully, I don't
(02:15):
know, but what was I saying? But yeah, I don't know how to
explain it. For me, it feels like there's
like magic flowing through my body and it just feels like,
like, like light and love and happiness.
And I, I just, I, I, I'll feel it from like my head to my feet
(02:40):
and I'll just have this weird inner knowing that like,
everything's going to be OK. Everything's going to start
getting better, you know? And yeah, like, that's the best
I can explain it. Is it just, it feels like
there's like sparkles, like justflowing through me.
And so, yeah, let's hope. And I kind of reached a pivotal
(03:07):
moment of clarity last night andthen this morning.
I mean, I'm, I'm not, I feel like I like levelled up on this
spiritual journey. I mean, I'm, I don't think I'm
at the end. I don't think I have it all
figured out, obviously. But I've reached, I feel like
I've reached a pivotal point that I'm hoping is going to like
(03:30):
unlock these like shackles that I feel have been on me for like
the past year and some change. Just trying to go through this
difficult journey. Oh, and I'm, I'm your host,
Sadie, by the way, AKA CapricornClark.
I always forget to introduce myself.
I just, I just operate from a place where I just think the
(03:53):
whole world knows who I am, you know, And I know that I have new
listeners coming in, coming through like Amazon Music and
stuff like that. So my name is Sadie, AKA
Capricorn Clark. This is my podcast play through
Dick, not me, but I just, I justjump right in and then I go, Oh,
I didn't even introduce myself. But anyways, it's so weird
because I've delved into the, I don't know, the dialogue, the
(04:22):
text, the information that's outthere around.
And I had a podcast episode about it a few episodes back.
It was called run, don't walk away from an an avoidant.
So like I've kind of like delvedinto this researched attachment
styles, anxious avoidant, anxious attachment.
(04:45):
And I know like ancients anxiousavoidance kind of get a bad rap
and they kind of get vilified. And I understand why because
like the way they go about things is very hurtful.
Like I understand that they're just operating from a place of
like safety and and they kind ofjust like their nervous system
just kind of shuts down when someone is like just trying to
(05:08):
love them and show them love andthey're operating from a place
of like, Oh my God, this is so scary.
And they just shut down and likedisappear or block you or ignore
you or whatever. And the anxious attachment is
like, what the fuck did I do? Like I was just trying to show
you love. I was just trying to be there
for you. I was just trying to show up for
you in all the ways, you know, that I that I, that, you know, I
(05:30):
show up for people that I care about and I love, you know, why
are you treating me like I'm, I'm too much or I'm a lot or
that love is, you know, my love is scary.
And you know, and so like I've watched like different TikTok
videos and Facebook videos and, and stuff like that.
And I've read things because it kind of falls in line with the
(05:54):
kind of spiritual journey I was thrust on with this other person
just kind of forced on. But there's, there's a lot of
inner similarities in that journey that falls in line with
(06:15):
anxious avoidant, anxious attachment and all of that.
And so like I said, I've watchedvideos, I've read about it and
then nothing, I mean nothing is quite resonated like this
gentleman who I found his videosby accident last night.
And then I kind of went down a rabbit hole and was watching a
(06:37):
ton of his videos on his Instagram page as usual because
I'm horrible with remembering names and relaying information.
I don't remember what his page is called but I can like add it
to the description later. But he just delivered this
information to me in the most loving yet harshest way.
(07:01):
And something just clicked in meand I just woke up feeling so
much clarity, so much better understanding this morning that
I'm like, OK, maybe I can finally fully detach for myself
and move on. And so I what he made me realize
(07:22):
which I kind of started questioning myself, but I don't
know, I guess I needed it to be delivered in this way is that
anxious attachment types tend toproject their mother wound or
their father wound onto an anxious avoidant.
(07:46):
Maybe they even project them onto like other anxious
attachment people or secure people.
But it probably that secure person or that anxious
attachment person probably is able to is better like regulated
or familiar with it that they can, I don't know help calm
(08:07):
their insecurities I guess or calm their I don't know.
I don't know. But I just know because I feel
like 2 anxious attachment peoplework very well together because
I think Tiger and I are both anxious attachment and because
we are both operating from a place of like, we get insecure
(08:29):
sometimes and we have to reassure one another and make
sure, you know, ask and you know, like, because we both get
in this headspace, we're like, do you still love me?
Do you still want me? Like, am I still all you want?
Like, you know, and like, we both will do that sometimes even
though the other person's behavior hasn't changed or
anything. But you just you need
(08:49):
reassurance and anxious attachment.
People I feel like are the perfect individuals who be able
to because they want to give love so much and they want to be
loved so much and they're very like comfortable in their own
skin in regards to if I'm too much go find less.
(09:14):
And I mean, well, well, that's the place that they have to get
to. That would be a healed anxious
attachment. Is that like they're going to
give you love, They're going to show love and they're not going
to, they're going to be unapologetic about it and
they're not going to be ashamed of their heart.
I think that's a healed anxious attachment person.
Maybe a more unhealed anxious attachment person is going to
(09:37):
shrink themselves and dim their light and be like, well, what
did I do wrong? You know, I was just trying to
show you love, but I feel like ahealed or healing anxious
attachment person. They're not going to think that
their partner is too much or tooneedy or anything like that.
They're going to be like, OK, I understand that my partner is
(09:59):
feeling a little insecure right now.
I need to make sure I fill them up in all the areas that
they're, you know, feeling unsure about and make sure that
I remind them how much they meanto me and how much I love them
and stuff. But but yes, from from the way
this man, I think he was like hemight have been even some sort
(10:21):
of like doctor or something, theway he delivered this
information to me, even though I've heard it in different
variations and stuff and startedquestioning it myself.
Yes. And from what I'm learning is
that anxious attachments will project their father or mother
wound typically on to anxious avoidance.
(10:43):
And that's kind of why they end up running and then the anxious
attachment ends up chasing. And that's what I did in my
connection with this individual that I feel and I've had tons of
validation and proof of this that I share like a spiritual
(11:04):
connection with. And the exact same thing
happened to us. But at the time, I didn't
realize what I was doing and I didn't realize what was
happening to me. But no, going as far as I have
on this journey and learning what I have learned.
Yes, I absolutely projected my father wound onto him and
weren't we're not in communication.
(11:26):
He doesn't speak to me anymore. I'm actually blocked on
everything And I understand why and I I respect him needing
space and distance but but for me at the end of the day it was
always about. I just really miss my friend.
So all that aside, like if I wasgiven the opportunity to ever, I
(11:51):
would absolutely want to apologize to him because that
had to have been extremely overwhelming and hard for him to
take in that I was projecting myfather would on to him.
He had triggered something in mefor whatever reason, I think
maybe because I had admired so much about what a great dad he
(12:12):
was. And it I think it made me
realize in all the ways that my own father didn't show up for
me. And I don't know.
I mean, yeah, absolutely. And I remember just being
(12:34):
enamored and thinking it was a very like, admirable trait in
him that he showed up for everything having to do with his
kids and that he loved his kids so much.
And when he would speak about them, you know, he would just
light up and everything. And like, I don't know.
But there's so much more to it just because we have this like,
(12:57):
soul tie to one another. So there's a lot more that went
into it, but now that I understand what I understand and
how far I've moved along on my spiritual journey and my healing
journey, I can recognize now that yes, I projected my father
wound onto him and it then persuaded him to run and then me
(13:21):
chase. Because I didn't understand why
my friend suddenly didn't want to talk to me anymore, suddenly
didn't want to be around me anymore, just suddenly kicked me
out of his life. So yeah, like I absolutely
apologize and I'm sorry for that.
What kind of like pain and hurt or whatever that could have
caused him or even triggered forhim because he was a mirror for
(13:45):
me and I was a mirror for him. So I imagine that had to have
been like terrifying and triggering and painful for him
because I'm, I'm holding up a mirror to him and showing him
all of his wounds that he needs to heal.
He was showing putting up a mirror to me and showing me all
my wounds that I needed to heal.So, but you're regardless, like
(14:06):
I'm very sorry to him, but coming to like this pivotal
realization and clarity and all that, I just, I woke up feeling
like amazing, like not that I have it all figured out, but
that I've levelled up on this healing spiritual journey
because I've come to this realization because over the
(14:29):
past almost 2 years, I have beenon an accelerated healing
journey and I have done so much work, so much inner work, so
much inner child work, shadow work, healing and working
through my father wounds, my mother wounds and all other
wounds that I have. And, but I don't, I don't
believe you're ever done. I don't believe you're ever done
(14:51):
healing. But you know, just like the way
I look at the world view, the world is so different than I did
two years ago. There's people that I no longer
really resonate or relate with anymore.
I wish them well, hope they heal.
But like, my mindset has like shifted just greatly.
(15:12):
I naturally gravitated to like spirituality and like healing
and on different types of practices and stuff.
And I'm just all about wanting to have inner union with myself
and reaching like, you know, themost, like hire me the most, you
(15:37):
know, have union with my highestself, my highest, you know,
inner self and, you know, reconnected with the divine, you
know, in my own unique way. This will go over a lot of
people's heads. They won't understand what the
fuck I'm talking about. And that's OK.
That just means that this hasn'thappened to you.
(15:58):
You haven't met someone that would became the catalyst for
all your healing. Everybody has this person and
everyone has a soul twin that isin another vessel that depending
on where you are in your healingjourney in every lifetime, they
will eventually come forward. And you know, be that mirror and
(16:21):
be that catalyst for your your journey.
And other people, you know, their catalyst may be a very
traumatic event that happened tothem like a like a death or you
know, they lost a loved one or something or were in a horrible
accident. Like the catalyst come in
different forms, but for me it came in the form of a person who
(16:44):
matched my soul, but they were in another vessel so it was just
a whole thing. Broke me completely open.
Was the saddest I've ever been in my entire life.
Cried. I've never cried more than in
the past two years, but a lot ofthat crying was due to me being
broken open and being forced to heal.
(17:06):
So, you know, I thank this person for the journey.
I thank them for being the catalyst and being the mirror.
And I'm just going to continue living my life and being on my
journey. And I hope you know the best for
(17:28):
them and that they're happy, thriving, healing, living their
life, you know? So ANYWAYS, yeah, I just, I woke
up feeling really fucking good today.
And I haven't felt as good in a long time.
Because this is what I've been getting, wanting to get back to
the whole time is getting back to me, finding me again, finding
(17:52):
my spark, re being being reacquainted with my spark.
And I'm really feeling like today is day one.
And I just, if it feels amazing,it feels amazing because all
I've wanted this whole time is to get back to myself, you know,
And I think that's the greatest gift that you can give yourself.
(18:14):
And I guess somebody else can give you is the gift of being
able to find yourself again. But anyways, switching gears, I
wanted. So like I said, I the little
while, a little break that I took, I had been writing down
(18:36):
topics for episodes. So this one, it's kind of
similar to the last one about like, you know, I'm finally
safe. Why am I now crashing out?
Basically like, why is my traumacatching?
Like this one is more talking about, you know, when you aren't
(19:01):
used to, you know, adjusting to a good man when you've had bad
ones. And so it's a little similar to
the last one, but not really. And I'm speaking from experience
because Tiger was the first goodgreat man that ever blessed and
(19:23):
graced my life. After having failed
relationships and being with fuck boys and having my time
wasted and going on like dating websites and then going on dates
with guys who completely disrespected me.
All they wanted was to like get in my pants and then like tell
me that I'm their girlfriend. But then after they got what
(19:46):
they wanted, like disappear or just suddenly ghost me or get
really flaky or only text me or call me when they wanted
something, usually sex. And I was, I'm not used to that.
Like I've always been a relationship type girl.
I've always been a long term relationship type girl.
And so after my oldest daughter's dad and me trying to
(20:09):
navigate the dating world like it was very foreign for me.
I don't understand games. I don't know how to play them.
I, I was never good at that stuff.
And I remember like talking to my best friend Spencer a lot
And, and because he's very good at playing games, like he's very
good at playing the game, you know, like don't hate to play a
(20:31):
hate the game like that. Like he, he was good at that.
I mean, there were times where there were girls that baffled
the shit out of him and they were playing the game better
than he was. But for the most part, I would
usually take my advice from him.Like, OK, like this guy is not.
We hung out on Friday and then he hasn't text me back for a
(20:52):
couple days, even though he saidhe would like, what do I do now?
You know, and I just, I never and I, I understood that the
person that like had the ball, it was in their court that they
basically held all the power. I knew that the person that
pretended like they cared the least had all the power, which
(21:15):
is like such a fucked up dynamic.
But I understood that enough. Like I had, I had been like
played around enough. I remember there was this one
guy, like I was in cosmetology and barbering school and I
remember and this is how out of my element I was, like how naive
and how young and just not understanding like dating and
(21:38):
being like, you know, like a fuck buddy with somebody and
everything. Like I was so out of my depth
because I was just used to beinga girlfriend.
I was used to being with somebody for like a couple years
and I remember like I don't evenremember.
Like I, I don't know, like I think I told my friends I liked
him and like, I was trying to bebold and kind of talk to him.
(22:01):
I don't remember how it got started at all.
And it's really not even important.
But I just remember that it got to the point where, you know,
and I was taking the bus then and I lived in Tooele and I was
taking the bus to Salt Lake every day for school.
And I remember I would stay after school to go hook up with
(22:23):
him and like, he would like, drive me to his apartment.
And, you know, we would hook up.And then there was a couple
times where I think he actually drove me all the way home.
Yeah, I don't think I ever had to catch the bus home.
I think each time he did drive me home, but like it was all on
(22:44):
the low, low because he had beendating some woman that like
lived in another city or something.
And so it was more like I was like his side piece or something
because this girl lived far awayand he didn't see her very often
that much. I kind of understood, but then I
remember at some point I kind ofstarted understanding the game a
(23:08):
little bit better because I remember there would be times
where he would hit me up becausehe he needed something and I was
like, Nope, busy because I was already hooking up with somebody
else. And so that was me getting a
little bit better at playing thegame because it was like, Nah,
*** I'm not. I'm not dropping everything that
(23:32):
I'm doing to go hook up with you.
Like we're not doing that. And I remember like patting
myself on the back like Mercedes, you're getting this,
like you're figuring this out because normally I would have
been like, all right, I'm on my way or come pick me up, you
know? And I was like, no, like I'm
(23:52):
busy. And I remember him like begging.
And I'm like, no bro, like, but I didn't want to like give it
away that like I'm also like hang out with somebody else, you
know? And but I remember, I remember
getting in my feelings because Ihad went to a club with my
friends and he was there and I and I was, I was lit because if
(24:17):
I hadn't have been, I don't eventhink I would have walked up and
said hi to him. But I walked up and said hi to
him and he like, was like, hey, like, now's not a good time.
And that was communicated to me that his girl was with him.
And sure enough, she was. And I remember getting so in my
feelings and getting so hurt andso upset and thinking later,
(24:40):
like I remember I had a friend who like sent me like a song.
It was by Casely and it was called emotional or something
like talking about like, I didn't expect to see you in this
club. Every time I see you, I get so
emotional. And I remember like at the time
that that hit hard like that, that shit was like it resonated.
(25:01):
But looking back on it, I'm like, are you fucking kidding
me? Like you fucking kidding me?
I didn't have any feelings for this guy, but because I'm an
empath, because I'm a, you know,fucking giver, I'm a, what's the
word, an enneagram #2 I'm a giver.
(25:25):
Like I love hard. I love with my entire heart.
Like I walk around with my heartoutside my body because I feel
deeply and I fall quickly and hard.
Even though I didn't actually have genuine feelings for this
guy, I just remember like feeling some kind of way about
it and then just being like, allright, fuck him.
And then I think after that I just stopped talking to him.
(25:48):
But looking back on and I'm like, Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh,
like, why did you even care? Why do you even care?
Like, who cares? You know, you guys were just
fucking. How was it Like, it was just
sex? Like, why the fuck do you care?
But that was me. That was young, early 20s me.
Like, I just, you know, if you spent enough time with me and I
(26:11):
was probably going to catch feelings, you know, and that's
not a bad thing. People that, like, fall hard and
easy, like don't let anybody make you feel like there's
something wrong with you becausethere's not.
You just have a big ass heart and that's beautiful.
You know, the right person will respond to it.
But yeah, that's what I wanted to get to.
(26:33):
I wasted my time on several dumbboys who, you know, weren't, you
know, meant for me. And what is meant for you will
not miss you like it'll not it'll it'll show up right on
time. It's it's yours.
(26:54):
Like, what is meant for you is not going to pass you by, you
know? And what isn't for you, that's
OK, Bye. You don't need it anyway.
It may take you some time to realize you don't need it, but
you don't need it. But what is meant for you, that
shit's not going to miss you. Like it's coming.
It's coming or it's coming back around, but whatever is meant
(27:16):
for you, it's not going to pass you by.
OK? And none of these people were
meant for me. And it wasn't until Tiger came
into my life that that became abundantly clear.
I remember after getting with Tiger it when I would try to
think about my dating life before him, it felt very foggy.
(27:39):
Very foggy. It felt like it was like a
different lifetime. Like literally it felt like I
dreamt it and it never actually happened.
It was a very weird feeling. But it just all those people
that ever hurt me, they just kind of fell away, kind of fell
away. And I remember thinking coming
(28:00):
to the realization, that's why it never worked out with any of
those other guys because it wasn't supposed to.
I was supposed to be with Tiger because yeah, I had I had some
decent friends back then who like were a phone call away and
(28:25):
would come over with like a caseof like wine coolers or
whatever. Anytime something went left with
some guy that I was like dating.And like, I remember there was
this other guy. I met him on Plenty of Fish and
I think I've talked about him inthe past episode.
I don't remember, but everythingwas going good.
(28:48):
And I can literally feel, I could literally tell you the
exact moment that he was like, oh, shit.
And then he ghosted me. We had been hanging out that
evening. I think we were like wrestling
on my bed, just like joking around.
And he was like tickling me and stuff.
And I remember feeling somethingand I felt him feel that
(29:09):
something for a split second too.
And is like, oh shit, OK, Feelings are being formed.
And I think that scared the shitout of him because he wasn't
actually trying to be tied down to anybody.
He was still going to the club like every fucking night and
stuff. But after that, after that
evening, he fucking ghosted me. And I remember I cried about it
(29:33):
for like, I don't know, like a month.
I don't remember. It was so long ago.
I don't remember at all at all. And it was ridiculous.
Like I would take my daughter toschool and then I'd be on the
bus on my way to work and I'd just be crying every fucking day
and then I'd go to bed at night and cry because I don't do well
(29:56):
with being ghosted. I don't do well with being
ignored. It completely crumbles my being
and I start to lose myself and Istart to wonder about my worth
and why someone just threw me away and it it really fucks me
up mentally. It's a very cruel thing to ghost
someone or suddenly ignore somebody.
(30:18):
So fucking cruel and so I don't remember exactly how long it
was. And he wasn't completely
ignoring me. I would call him and he would
answer but he would pretend to be his brother and claim that he
moved to California. It was so stupid.
But in reality, he was just backon Plenty of Fish trying to hit
up other girls. And I found that out later and
(30:42):
it was like, so stupid. But like, eventually he just
started hitting me up again. And he came over and I remember
I bitched him out for fucking doing that to me.
Like, like, that's so fucked up.Like if you didn't want to like,
date me anymore, if you don't want to see me anymore, then
just fucking like communicate like, like, you know, And I
(31:04):
don't. And then I don't remember
anything after that. I think he kind of like laughed
it off and acted like it was no big deal, that he hurt my
feelings. And then I think we hung out
that night and I have no memory of him whatsoever after that.
No memory whatsoever. I don't think we ever hung out
again. And I think after I was able to
bitch him out, I was perfectly healed.
(31:26):
Like I was totally fine. I was over it.
I got to say my piece because that always makes me feel better
when I can tell somebody about themselves and how they fucked
up and then I'm good. But I have no memory of him
after that. And then I think sometime after
that was when, like a few monthslater was when Tiger came to the
(31:47):
picture. But yeah, he was one of the
people in my mind after me and Tiger got together, that I was
like, ah, that's why it didn't work out with him or him or him
or him. You know, they all wasted my
time. And everything went the way it
was supposed to go because I wassupposed to be with Tiger.
And then that just became abundantly clear to me.
(32:09):
And but I still didn't know whatto do with Tiger, even though it
never felt too good to be true with him.
I never had the feeling of when is the other shoe going to drop?
I didn't have the same anxietiesand insecurities like I had with
the past guys. Like everything just felt very
comfortable, very safe. With Tiger, he never felt like
(32:30):
he was being performative. He never felt like he was trying
too hard. He was just authentically being
himself. And I remember I felt that
because with other guys before him, if they said like stupid
shit, like, oh, you know, you'rethe one I've been thinking about
all day or oh, you're so beautiful.
Or just, you know, something, something smooth, something
charming. It always like, I always saw
(32:52):
right through that shit. And I'd be like, yeah, whatever.
I'm sure you say that to all thegirls.
You know, I'd say something likethat and I just, I just never
really believed them. But I didn't have anything else
going on. So it was just like, whatever,
I'll let this dumb fuck boy lie to me, you know, because like, I
wasn't fucking stupid. Like I, I could see right
(33:14):
through that shit. I mean, was there, was there
still things that I needed to learn and and red flags I needed
to pay attention to? Sure, but with Tiger, when he
would compliment me or say kind things to me or nice or sweet
things to me and never felt charming and never felt like he
was trying to get anywhere with me and never felt performative
(33:35):
and never felt like fake or anything.
Like I knew with 100% certainty that I was the only person that
he was talking to, that I was the only person that he was
talking to in that way. He never left any room for me to
question, spiral, overthink, nothing.
(33:56):
I never had to wonder why isn't he texting me back?
Because he was always texting me.
I never had to wonder like, why hasn't he called me?
Because he was always calling me.
And it was just the right amount.
Like just the right amount, you know?
Like it wasn't suffocating, it wasn't overwhelming.
(34:17):
Like he was never too much. He was just the right amount for
me. And he made me feel secure.
I could rely on him. I could depend on him.
I knew he was going to show up. But even though deep down I knew
all this, I still didn't know what the fuck to do with him.
(34:41):
There was still something in my nervous system that was still
kind of unregulated and still scared.
Because all I had had was bad ones.
All I had had was guys that liedto me, played games, cheated on
me, you know, whatever. Tried to fuck my friends,
whatever. So even though I could see the
(35:07):
clear contrast difference between Tiger and these other
dudes, I still, this was still foreign territory for me.
Like what am I supposed to do with this guy?
Like he's, he's so great, but healso scares the shit out of me
because I'm not used to this. Like didn't scare the shit out
of me in a bad way, but scare the shit out of me in like, I
(35:29):
don't know what to do with you. Like I'm not used to you.
And so, yeah, I still had my trust issues.
I still came with my baggage. I still tested him.
I still threw everything in my arsenal at him and he just
caught everything perfectly. You know, he handled it all
(35:51):
perfectly. I just, I don't think anybody
could ever have taken all the shit that I was throwing at
Tiger. Like Tiger was able to like, I
say this all the time. Like there's nobody on the
planet that can handle me. Like Tiger handles me.
Nobody, nobody, nobody. Because I am a lot.
(36:17):
A lot. And I can be a real fucking
bitch too. I know that I can be.
And nobody puts up with me or handles me or takes my shit like
Tiger does and he takes it like GGOAT, OK?
And he just. He gets me.
He hears me when I'm loud, he hears me when I'm silent, he
(36:40):
hears me when I'm saying nothingat all.
He hears me when I'm sad, angry,like he happy, whatever.
Like he sees me and he hears me and he just gets me.
Is he perfect? Absolutely not.
Neither am I. But he's perfect for me.
(37:02):
He's the kind of perfect that I need it and So what?
What to do, what to do? Well, I can tell you what not to
do, what not to do. You know, I just wow.
(37:25):
Like, I know it's hard. It's hard to trust, it's hard to
just relinquish insecurities. It's hard to just remove them.
And there's no fast and easy wayreally.
I think for me, it was time. It was time.
(37:46):
Like I just, I had to be with him for a while for my nervous
system and my brain and and everything to kind of start to
click and communicate together that we are safe.
This guy isn't gonna hurt us. He's not gonna go anywhere.
(38:07):
He's not gonna change up. He's not gonna cheat.
He's not gonna flirt with my friends.
He's not gonna disrespect me. He's not gonna harm me.
He wasn't giving me any reason to think that he would do any of
those things. But because I was used to being
in survival mode, I was used to being mistreated.
(38:28):
I was used to being disrespectedor cheated on or talk too crazy.
Like I, you know, even though hewas giving me no inclination, no
sign that he was. Excuse me?
That he was going to be what I was used to.
(38:50):
It was still all my nervous system was used to.
So even though he wasn't, you know, doing anything to trigger
me or make me think that he was going to be like I had before,
like my nervous system was stillon alert, you know?
Yeah. So, so yeah, for me it was like
(39:15):
just time, Like you can't rush it.
I mean, but definitely don't ignore the red flags.
Definitely don't ignore the red flags because you could think
that the person that you're withchecks all your boxes and shows
up for you the way you need themto and all of that stuff.
(39:36):
Like it may appear that way and you know, they're making you
happy and all of that, but stillbe on alert and especially in
the beginning, still pay attention to the red flags, you
know, have standards, have boundaries.
Don't freaking, you know, let them freaking.
(40:02):
Don't make them think that you're fucking like the Statue
of Liberty and are like. Bring me you're hungry.
Bring me you're broke boys. Bring me your men with daddy
issues and mommy issues and you know, bring me your unfaithful
and fool that won't get a job. You know, don't do that.
(40:26):
Don't do that. Don't just be taken in all these
unhealed, unregulated nervous system have all types of issues
and insecurities that they haven't worked through with a
therapist or whatever. Don't do that.
Like, don't you know, because that will just, I feel like that
(40:52):
will just delay you longer be, you know, because you want to
believe so bad that this person is your person and that they're
the one that you're supposed to be with.
No, don't do that. Like it doesn't matter if for
the first six weeks or the firstthree weeks, things have been
really good. Still be on alert, still have
(41:13):
your wits about you. Like don't, don't go looking for
red flags, don't go looking for issues, but still be aware, you
know, because that takes time. It takes time getting to know
somebody and spending time with them and seeing them and all
their different elements and alltheir different moods.
(41:34):
Don't be so quick to like jump in with into something with
somebody just because you're fucking lonely.
I mean, yeah, being lonely sucks.
Being on your own sucks. But like you're just delaying
your your blessing further when you are wasting your time on
somebody that's not truly for you.
(41:55):
Like if right out the gate from jump, they're displaying red
flags and they're moving janky and doing some weird shit or
projecting all their insecurities or mommy issues or
daddy issues or whatever on you from out the gate.
But then they mask all that drama, all those problems with
(42:18):
like, Oh well, I take you places, I buy you dinner or, you
know, I'm good and better, whatever.
Like no, no, no, no, no. All those red flags that you
chose to rug sweep, like they didn't go anywhere.
They will continue to pop up later.
And by then you've been loved bombed, and you've like had the
(42:43):
freaking wool put over your eyesby, you know, a fucking expert
narcissist or something. Like, don't do that.
So, yeah, even though in the beginning with Tiger, everything
felt amazing and it felt organicand it felt real and genuine.
(43:05):
I still even though he wasn't giving me any reason to have my
feelers up and like looking for red flags or anything like that,
I was still making sure I was reserving myself a little bit
even though he wasn't. Like I said, he wasn't giving me
(43:27):
any reason to be on alert or anything after I had what I had
been through. I think I was just already
naturally that way a little bit,even though he was doing a great
job of calming my nervous system.
But like I said, it still took time.
It still took time. You can't rushed that stuff,
(43:49):
especially when you've had a history of having bad ones and
then you have a good one. And it can be like scary and
unfamiliar because you're like, is this person for real?
Like, is this person for real? And it can be overwhelming and
just kind of a shock to your system.
(44:09):
But like I said, for me, I just,I don't know, without meaning
to, I threw everything in my arsenal at Tiger and then I
watched how he handled it all and he handled it all
beautifully. Like I remember, you know, being
(44:30):
triggered. Not because he triggered me or
meant to or anything like that, but I remember this is when I
became because I was safe. This is when I realized that all
my triggers and stuff started tosurface.
And this is one of the ways thatI really had to Start learning
(44:50):
that he was a real one because of the way he responded and to
my triggers and insecurities andstuff.
And he didn't turn around and get angry at me or create
further triggers or trauma for me.
So there was this one time whereI had called him and his phone
(45:12):
had been sitting on his bed. He was in the other room with
his niece and her then boyfriend, now husband because
they lived with him at the time.And he was in the other room
talking to them. And I remember I called him and
he didn't answer. And immediately my nervous
system got completely unregulated and I started to
(45:35):
flip the fuck out. Like my, my, my anxiety around
my fear of being ignored, being in ghosts, being ghosted
immediately kicked in and I justlike was completely unregulated
and just started freaking out. And so then I just kept calling
him and calling him and calling him.
(45:57):
And the more times I called and he didn't answer, the more
freaked out I got. And I remember in my mind I was
thinking he's ghosting me, he's ignoring me now.
He doesn't want anything to do with me.
He decided he doesn't like me and he doesn't know how to tell
me in my face. So he's just going to let me
blow up his phone until he ignores or blocks me or
(46:17):
something. And so yeah, I, I started to
flip out and then I don't know if he just eventually called me
back a few minutes later or if he answered.
And I just remember I was ready to just let him have it.
I was ready to blow up on him. And he handled it so well.
And he was just like, I was justlike, why didn't you answer?
(46:38):
Like, I don't really remember exactly what was said because
this was like a zillion years ago, but I was like, why didn't
you answer the phone? And he was like, oh, babe, I'm
sorry. Like I was, I was in the other
room. I was, I was talking, I'm not
going to say people's names, butlike he said his niece's name
and her boyfriend's name. And he was like, I'm sorry.
I left my phone on my bed. I didn't hear it.
(46:58):
Like, are you OK? And I was.
And then just by him asking, just by him having a calm tone
and then asking me in a very calm, nice, are you OK?
And I was just like, I immediately started to come
down. And then I felt ridiculous
because I was like, why the hellwas I freaking out?
But it's because it's what I wasused to.
(47:20):
I was used to being abandoned. I was used to being ghosted or
ignored or somebody liking me one day and then throwing me
away the next. And so that's what I was
expecting. And so, yeah, when you are
coming from having bad relationships and then having a
good one, be aware that that kind of stuff will happen to
(47:44):
you, especially if you are coming in with insecurities and
baggage and trauma from past relationships.
There will be times where your nervous system will get like
unregulated, not on purpose, butthese things will happen.
(48:05):
And this is just stuff that you will have to heal and work
through. I can tell you don't get into a
relationship until you've healedyour stuff.
But let's be honest, most peopledon't do that.
Most people don't go inward and go, OK, these, this is all the
scars that I came out with from my past relationship.
I better not date yet. I better sit with myself for a
(48:29):
while and heal and figure out who I am, what I want, what I
don't want, you know, and, and you know, heal and work on
things in me. Most people don't do that.
Most people get into another relationship and bring all that
stuff into the new relationship.So I'm most people.
(48:50):
So that's what I did. I mean, yes, I had, I had been
single for a little bit before Tiger and I got together, but I
still hadn't gone inward and started working on myself.
I didn't know at the time that there was anything to work on.
You know, I didn't realize I hadinsecurities and and baggage and
trauma and triggers until I got with Tiger.
Because I was finally in a safe space and a safe relationship
(49:14):
that all that stuff eventually surfaced.
And it was like, Oh yeah, I got to heal all this.
I got to heal all this stuff because it's not fair to be
projecting at all on this. Like, sweet, amazing man that's
just trying to love me. And so, yeah, I don't.
(49:36):
So yeah, I mean, my advice wouldbe to look inward and figure out
what your trauma and triggers and stuff are beforehand before
you get into another relationship.
But that's not always reality. So, you know, just be aware that
if you have come to the the point where you realize that you
were in a safe, healthy, functioning, good relationship
(49:59):
for the first time in your life,have grace, have patience with
yourself. Understand that heavy stuff may
bubble to the surface at this point.
It may start to now that you're,you are finally safe and your
nervous system recognizes that it is safe.
And like I said, allow yourself patience.
(50:21):
Allow yourself grace. Allow yourself time.
Like if this person hasn't shownany red flags, if they haven't
done anything to scare you or make you feel like you need to
be on alert. If they are just there loving
the everliving crap out of you and showing up for you and all
the ways that you've always needed but didn't get before and
(50:43):
just checking all your boxes andjust just being fucking amazing.
Just know that your stuff may start to come to the surface.
And you know, I recommend speaking to a professional if it
starts to just really get in theway of your relationship or just
(51:04):
the way that you feel. But if you have found your
person, this isn't going to scare them.
This isn't going to scare them away.
This isn't going to deter them. They're going to be there for
you no matter what. They're going to love you no
matter what. They're going to continue to
show up and be by your side no matter what.
Even if all your stuff is now coming out and it's kind of
(51:28):
being directed at them, even though they didn't cause all
that pain. If they are your person, they're
going to understand and they're going to stay and they're going
to ride that out with you and they're going to love you until
you feel like you again. And they may have their own
stuff that they also realized have come to the surface now,
(51:48):
you know? And so that's just then you guys
are just tasked with, you know, healing and working through your
stuff so you guys can continue to blossom and grow your
beautiful relationship. So yeah, like, but I get it.
It's, it's scary when you've just been used to having awful,
(52:09):
dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships with people and
then you get into one that is healthy and it's beautiful and
it's regulated and it's organic and flowing the way it should
be. Like love, when it's real, when
it's right, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.
(52:31):
It doesn't leave you, you know, bruised and scarred and confused
and spiraling and unsure of yourself.
It doesn't real love when it's real, true, true, real, the
right love for you. It doesn't make you feel
unregulated. It doesn't make you feel unsafe.
(52:54):
It doesn't make you feel like you need to dim your light or
shrink yourself. It makes you feel seen, heard,
you do the work and learning to regulate yourself while they're
also helping regulate you. It feels healthy.
It feels just beautiful. You wake up every day just
(53:15):
feeling amazing. I remember with Tiger, I felt
like when I get out of bed everyday, I feel like I could
freaking fly if I wanted to. That's how good it felt.
And it still feels that way. Like, yeah, we're thirteen years
in and five years married, and we have kids and stress and car
(53:37):
issues and money issues and whathave you.
And sometimes we're not communicating like we should and
we're arguing or we're not seeing eye to eye or whatever.
But you know, real relationships, you argue,
sometimes you have disagreements.
There's days where you don't particularly like each other,
(54:00):
but you continue to show up every single day and fall in
love with that person over and over again every single day.
And you continue to get up and do the work and, and continue to
just try and vow to do better the next day, day after day
after day. But in those beginning stages,
those beginning years, you're still learning each other.
(54:22):
You're still seeing every insurance and out and aspect of
their, of who they are as a person, all their moods, all
their, you know, the whole entire personality that makes up
them. And then when you've had a
couple years with them, you see how they shift and change
through hard times, losing a job, losing a loved one, you see
(54:47):
how they shift and change and how they handle different
things. And, you know, you go through
and ride that stuff out together.
But yeah, like for the, I guess the best advice I can give
looking back on that all being new for me is just you just, you
(55:11):
got to just be patient with yourself.
And cause yeah, one day it just clicked for me.
I don't need to keep fighting this man.
I don't need to keep throwing all my baggage and my triggers
and my trauma at him and seeing how he reacts to it.
I don't, I don't need to keep testing him.
(55:33):
Like he's proven to me time and time and time and time again
that he's not going anywhere, that he loves me no matter what,
that he's going to be here no matter what, no matter how
difficult I am or how big of a fucking brat I am, you know,
he's not going anywhere. And it just kind of clicked for
(55:53):
me one day. Like, knock it off.
Like if you don't stop this, if you don't stop throwing your
walls up, throwing your defensesup, you know, saying things
like, you know, maybe we shouldn't be together.
Maybe we should just break up. Or because I was coming
operating from a very defensive place of every tiny time we had
(56:15):
an argument, my mindset was, well, I'm going to leave you
before you can leave me. I'm going to hurt you before you
can hurt me. And so I would say things like,
well, maybe we shouldn't be together.
Maybe we should a divorce and Tiger never understood why I
would go to that place. Like why do you go there?
Why do you do that? Like we're just having a
(56:35):
disagreement. We're just having an argument
like I don't want to not be withyou.
I love you. I don't want to get a divorce.
I don't want to break up with you.
Like we're just having an argument.
Like, why do you go to that extreme?
But it's just, it's what I was used to.
When you're used to being left or when you're used for used to
someone not fighting for you, You just, that's just the place
(56:56):
that you operate from. And so then having this
completely different person fromwhat I've always known before,
having this completely differentperson, that's like, no, I'm not
going anywhere. It was like what?
Like like you're fighting for me.
Like, yeah, but that, yeah, thatperson that's for you, your
(57:21):
person that was created just foryou.
Like they're not going to give up on you.
That doesn't, that doesn't give you a pass or an excuse to treat
them horribly or, or continue totest them and throw all your
trauma and stuff and and continue to be unhealed.
Because I believe that everybodyreaches their breaking point.
Everybody gets to a point where they're like, you know what?
(57:42):
I'm fucking done, you know, and even then they may still love
you after that, but everybody gets to that point.
You know, everybody eventually eventually gets to that point.
So, so don't do that. Don't the person that's loving
you the way you were always meant to be loved.
(58:05):
If it gets to a point where you have just been testing them and
throwing all that trauma and stuff at them for years and
years and years and years and years.
You definitely need to look inward and and go do the work
with a professional and begin toheal.
Because there may, there may come a day where that, where
that person that has loved you unconditionally and completely
(58:29):
all those years and has proven to you time and time again how
much they love you and they're not going anywhere and they're
not going to abandon you. But you just keep pushing them
and pushing them and pushing them.
Because even I know that even I know there's been times where
I've been like, girl, you betterstop.
You better stop. Like this man can only be pushed
so many times if you know he's going to and, and he and he has
(58:53):
gotten to that point. He has there has been times over
the years where I have really pushed him and he's been like,
I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore.I don't know how much more I can
more times I can prove to you how much I fucking love you and
how much I want to be with you. So if you want to tell me again
that you're done, then fine. You know, And I mean, we're
(59:18):
obviously still together. So we worked through those
intense moments. But I understand why he finally
got to those places when he got there because I just kept
pushing and pushing and pushing.Everybody has their breaking
point. So when you have a good one,
when you have your person and you're still unhealed and
unregulated, keep that in mind that there may come a day where
(59:44):
they will say they're done and they're done and they're done.
And then you lost a good one. You know, So if you recognize in
you that you have insecurities, that you have unhealed aspects
of you that you project onto your partner, you need, you need
to go get some help. You need to go take care of
(01:00:04):
yourself. You need to go speak to someone,
work with someone that can help you.
So yeah, but, you know, be patient.
Give yourself grace, wrap your arms around yourself and give
yourself all the love that you didn't get either in your
childhood or in past relationships.
(01:00:27):
You're worth it. You're worth loving.
You matter. You deserve to be seen, you
deserve to be heard, you deserveto be loved and cared about and
fought for. But you have to know that, you
have to believe that and give that love to yourself.
(01:00:50):
Show up for yourself, see and hear yourself.
Love the ever living shit out ofyourself.
So when somebody else is trying to love the ever living shit out
of you, you don't fight it and it doesn't scare the shit out of
you. You know?
That's why healing is so fuckingimportant.
(01:01:11):
But I'm going to call it here. I really, one of these days I
will make one of these episodes only 30 minutes long, you know?
But if you've been rocking with me through this whole thing, I
appreciate you. You're a real 1.
And like I said, like I've said in past episodes, I appreciate
all the positive feedback I've been getting.
(01:01:31):
I love the messages that I've received about how my podcast
has, you know, resonated with you.
And I love sharing or I love hearing your personal stories
and stuff like that. So, you know, keep sending those
to me. Keep sharing that with me.
I appreciate it. And as I always say, be fucking
kind. Be fucking kind.
(01:01:53):
We don't know what other people are going through, so just be
there for others. And if the best you can do is be
kind, then please be fucking kind or shut the fuck up.
You can't be kind to somebody. Just don't say nothing.
Just be quiet. Just be quiet.
But I will see you on the next one.
Thanks for listening to another episode with Play with Your
(01:02:15):
Dick, Not me. Love you all, bye.
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