Why am I crashing out now that I am finally safe?

Lets talk about it.

Why is it that when we are FINALLY in a safe space, or safe relationship all our trauma decides its time to finally catch up with us? What is that all about?

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
I'm back, at least I think I am.I've been putting this off and
putting this off and putting this off and not feeling ready
because my life is still not outof the chaos that it's been for

(00:23):
the past few weeks. I mean, if I'm being honest,
like the past 2 fucking years, but who would I be if I only
showed up when things were goingfantastic, right?
So I just, I kind of was thinking yesterday, I'm sure Jay

(00:46):
Shitty goes through shit, I'm sure Alex Cooper goes through
shit, I'm sure Bunny goes through shit.
I'm sure The Breakfast Club goesthrough shit.
But you know, I'm sure Bill Burrgoes through shit, Miss Pat goes

(01:07):
through shit, Joe Rogan goes through shit.
But all these people still get up every day, a couple days a
week and, well, for, like, The Breakfast Club every day.
And, you know, they do their podcasts, rain or shine, sad or

(01:31):
happy, struggling or thriving, blessed, black and highly
favored, as Charlemagne would say.
And, you know, they probably have rough days, too, but they
still get up and record. Yeah, they take breaks.

(01:52):
Breakfast Club and Alex Cooper from Call Call Her Daddy will
post like flashback episodes that you can revert back to
while they're on a break. So I mean, I'm manifesting.
I'm trying to get to where they all are someday.
So, I mean, I understand the importance of taking a break,

(02:13):
you know, and taking care of my mental health.
But I'm coming to find out that there are people that are
relying and looking forward to hearing my annoying ass voice
twice a week. So I appreciate y'all and I, I I

(02:33):
guess from what I've been been. Told like I've I've.
Been a voice and a light and. Helpful.
To people with what I've been doing, and that's what it's all
about, right? Like at least for me helping
people and taking care of people.
But my whole thing is just if I can't even figure out how to

(03:00):
help or take care of myself, I don't know how I'm supposed to
help or take care of or even show up for anybody else if I.
Can't even do it for myself, youknow.
But I'm trying. I'm trying so this would be
episode 17 of. Play with your.
Dick, not me. I am Sadie AKA Capricorn Clark.

(03:27):
My closest friends call me Sadie.
I don't Rarely anybody calls me Mercede.
And Tiger's not allowed to call me Mercede.
He. He will get a.
Look and I I will have follow upquestions.
He knows that he's only supposedto call me babe or baby or my
love or something like I don't know if I'm sure there's other

(03:47):
women that can relate. But if when you've been married
a very long time or a while. It feels very.
Foreign when your spouse calls you by your name and I've seen
tik toks of this so I know it's a thing and I know that there
are people that can absolutely relate that it feels weird as

(04:08):
fuck like you're like, are you mad at me?
Is something wrong? Why the hell are you calling me
by my name? You know, and so even if I hear
Tiger talking to somebody else and he's like, yeah, me and
Mercedes are just, you know, doing this right now and.
I'll look at him like what? What you just say?
And. 'Cause it just sounds so

(04:29):
foreign. My name sounds so.
Weird. So foreign coming out of his
mouth like it it's I can't even explain like it, it's it's so
weird. Anybody else can say my name.
But if he says it instead of babe, I'm just like, what the

(04:50):
hell did you just say? But yeah, usually my friends
call me Sadie. And it's funny because like
growing up in Cali, I don't knowif I've said this before, but my
Kelly friends spelled it SAD i.e. and that's just what I
always went by. And then I moved to Utah and all

(05:11):
my friends spelled Sadie CED i.e., which makes more sense
because it's literally the letters in my name, right?
But but yeah, it was weird. It was hard for me to get used
to for a while and almost felt like I had some like alternate.
Identity or something you know? Because I was so used to being
SAD i.e. and so even for a while, like when I had to make

(05:34):
like a screen name for like a website or a login or a, you
know, a game profile or something.
I remember doing Sadie versus Sadie because it really did feel
like it was like an alternate identity for me.
But I've over the years I've come to just accept CED i.e. so

(05:54):
weird. Kind of like how I've accepted
that Utah is home but but. Yeah, hold on, I hear my baby
coughing. You OK?

(06:14):
You need to get some water love,OK?
So I'm home from work today and my youngest is home too.
She started kindergarten and I thought she was up to date on
amusations. This is really how I feel.
Like I am just not on my game because I'm not someone that is

(06:40):
late. I don't like to be late.
I like to get all my shit done in a timely manner, early, all
that stuff. And so to get an e-mail
yesterday that my daughter was missing four of her amusations
to be in kindergarten and I'm like what the fuck?
So with her having epilepsy and us not knowing how amusations

(07:05):
will affect her at this point because the last time she got
amusations she was like a baby. And that was before she had
epilepsy. But now looking back, I wonder.
If those if. Those were some signs because
she was my kid, that if she got hurt or if.
She got upset about. Something or if you took
something away as a baby she would just throw her head back

(07:30):
like she was getting ready to cry and it was like she forgot
to breathe. And then she would turn blue and
pass out and it used to scare the living fuck out of me every
time she would do it and the doctors would just be like, oh,
it's fine. You know, it's kids.
Kids do that sometimes. Just just lay her down in a in a
nice comfortable spot. She'll come too.
I'm not that kind of parent. I'm not just going to relax and

(07:52):
be like, oh, whenever the rain passed out again and just lay
her on the fuck. No, I'm not.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Every fucking time I lost my
shit. Picked her up.
You know, I think someone has suggested to me to blow in her
face to kind of like get her to snap out of it or some shit.
But no, I, I held her scream, cried, you know, and then it, it

(08:15):
was probably only in a couple seconds, but it still scared the
living fuck out of me. And I, yeah, I don't care how
many fucking kids I have. I'm, I'm never just going to be
like, she's fine. You know I'm going to be that.
That parent that panics and flips the fuck out every fucking
time. I don't.
I could have all the fucking training and I'm still going to
be that. Parent that flips the fuck out.

(08:36):
That's just. How I am.
And then when she was three, I think she had a febrile seizure.
We didn't even know what that was.
I don't want to go into it because I'll probably just start
crying because it looked like mychild was dead.

(09:00):
So that was scary. And I'm we.
I remember I. Asked the hospital.
Can this turn into actual seizures?
And they're like, no, no, no, no, no.
You know, actually she was 2. I think she was 2 1/2, actually.
And they're like, no, this won'tturn into regular seizures.
Fucking liars. Because a year after that was

(09:23):
when she had her two big grandmaseizures.
And then we found out she had epilepsy.
So I'm not saying that vaccines could have been a a contributing
factor. I've never been one of those
people that's been in that groupof thinking that thinks vaccines
are bad. I've never thought that.
I'm just saying that there's been so many things that have

(09:45):
gone through my head over the years of what could have gone
wrong to why my kid has epilepsy.
I've also questioned my pregnancy with her.
It was a very complicated one. I remember people thought I was
carrying twins because my stomach was just so, so huge.
And I remembered near the end ofmy pregnancy, my doctor was

(10:08):
like, anytime you want an ultrasound again, just let me
know. You just want to see the baby.
Like, you know, just let me know.
And like, I'll, I'll do it. And so one day at the
appointment, I said, yeah, can Iget another ultrasound?
And she's like, yeah, you know, let's let's go do it.
So, you know, she hooks me up and she starts kind of just

(10:29):
getting quiet and has a concerned look on her face and
she's just like, something's notright here, hold on.
And So what she discovered was that I was carrying way more
amniotic fluid than is healthy. I don't remember what the actual
medical term is, but I just was carrying way too much amniotic

(10:51):
fluid. So basically she had like a
swimming pool in my stomach hence why it was so fucking big
and it looked like I was carrying twins or triplets and
it didn't help that she was likesitting very very low.
I remember was with my 9 year old and with my youngest.
I thought they were both. Boys, because they both.
Sat so low and people in generaljust thought they were boys

(11:13):
because because of that myth of them sitting so low and that was
awful. I remember not even being able
to laugh at shit without peeing my pants and stuff.
But so, yeah, so extra amniotic fluid.
Zarea, my youngest, her head wasmeasuring like 2 weeks ahead of
her body. So I then had to go for testing.
She thought maybe I had gestational diabetes, which I've

(11:36):
never had with any of my kids. So I had to be taken to the
doctor for like the next two weeks so they can monitor me a
couple times a week. I had to poke myself and and you
know, pay attention what I was eating.
Track all of that. And then at the end of that
test, they determined, no, like,you don't have to say so on
diabetes, like, what is causing this?

(11:56):
Like what's going on? And so my doctor just decided to
What's the word? I can't think of the word.
But she basically like self started, like she, she
intervened and started my labor at 37 weeks like it was

(12:19):
scheduled. That's how it's been with like
all my kids. I've never been able to just go
into labor naturally. With my oldest.
I kind of did like, like my water did break and then they
broke. The rest of it at the hospital.
But with my other two, I've had to have like, Pitocin and it's
had to have been scheduled for my baby to come out.

(12:40):
Like, it's never just been like what you see in the movies,
Like, oh. My water broke.
We got to do the. Like with with my oldest, it was
kind of like that. But yeah, I've never.
But even with my oldest, I remember them having to give me
Pitocin just to aid with like getting her out.
So, so yeah. So what is it?

(13:02):
Induction? Is that what it's called?
And so 37 weeks we went to the hospital.
We got there at like 6:00 AM. I'm thinking it's my third kid.
We're she's going to come right out, right?
This is like my second one. It was like 3 hours and she was
out Araya. It was like the whole day.
And so I'm like third kid. And then the nurses are like, Oh

(13:22):
yeah, third kids a breeze. Da, da, da, da.
And then it's getting to be, we got there at 6:00 AM, it's
getting to be 7:00 at night, 8:00 at night, 9:00.
Oh, and then all of a sudden. Their their tones change like
oh, the third kid is just. It can be a nightmare.
Like, the third kid always has to give you trouble.
And I'm like, what the fuck? This morning you said third kids

(13:44):
are a breeze, you know? And so things are just starting
to go left. My my pregnant, my labor and
deliveries just not really progressing as it should when it
comes, when I get to 10 centimeters finally, my pushing
muscles were just mush, completemush and nothing was happening.
We couldn't get her out. Like I was pushing for like 2

(14:07):
hours. Nothing was happening.
And so then they brought in specialists and considered
forceps and all the other things.
I have doctors in my face. I'm starting to panic and flip
the fuck out. I think I'm going to die and my
the baby's going to die. I'm starting to panic.
I'm having a panic attack. I'm flipping the fuck out,
telling tiger, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(14:28):
Like you're going to have to raise these kids by your own
yourself because we're going to die.
And yeah, that was, I just remember looking at him and he
had the most scared look on his face.
Like, I mean, he was trying to calm me down at the same time I
was spiraling. And I'm like, I'm going to die.
I know I'm going to die. And so they just decided we're
going to take you for an emergency C-section.

(14:50):
That was a whole thing. The anesthesiologist, because I
was still panicking. I was flipping out.
I hadn't expected AC section. They numbed me.
I didn't like the way it felt. I couldn't feel my own fucking
body. And so I was just flipping the
fuck out like I, I, I couldn't deal.

(15:11):
I was just. Screaming, crying.
And I was. Just like I'm.
Going to die. I'm going to die.
I'm going to die. And just like, yeah, so I guess
anesthesia was like, I need to calm.
Not even the anesthesia was it. I don't remember who it was, but
he was just like, I need to calmher down.
Gave me something. I don't, he didn't even ask, but
he gave me something and I went to sleep.

(15:34):
They, I remember seeing my daughter before I was out and
they handed her to Tiger. And that's the last thing I
remember. And I guess because I found out
like a month later, Tiger finally told me a month later
because it had traumatized him, but I wouldn't wake up when it

(15:56):
was time to wake up. And that he, the
anesthesiologist was like, hey, hey, hey, wake up.
And then he started shaking me even even harder and was
starting to freak out himself. And the doctors I guess were
like, is everything OK back there?
And then I eventually just came too.
And then they couldn't stop the bleeding.
But they eventually did because obviously I'm still here.

(16:19):
But yeah, it was very traumatic a lot.
But they were like, well, you know, This is why you couldn't
push her out because all the amniotic fluid had turned your
insides to mush. That's why you couldn't push her
out. And I said, you know, will there
be any after effects of, you know, this for my daughter
because she was swimming in unhealthy amounts of amniotic

(16:42):
fluid and all of that. And they said only time will
tell. Only time will tell.
We won't know until. She's older if there's.
Any health concerns that could be related to this?
And so, yeah, I think that the thing that the Internet fluid
thing that I developed in my pregnancy, you know, could have

(17:02):
been what you know. Caused all these these these
issues. You know, the, the epilepsy and
everything. I don't know, you know, I don't
know. But anyways.
So we took her to the doctor today to get her immunizations,
and my concern was we don't knowwhat these immunizations are

(17:23):
going to do to her at this pointnow that she has epilepsy.
Will they lower? Her seizure threshold where she
have a bad reaction to it, we just don't know.
So we talked to the doctor and we decided we would just split
them up, which is something I'venever done with my kids.
So she just got two of the vaccines that were combined into
one shot today. And then we have to go to the

(17:45):
health department like next weekand do another one and then
space that one and then space that out from the last one that
she needs, like do it like a week after that.
So we just kept her home from school today to just kind of see
if we can monitor her to see if she was OK.
She was being a little weird earlier and wasn't quite making

(18:05):
sense and wasn't forming words for a few minutes.
But because she tends to lose her ability to talk if she's
having a seizure. And that's one of the things
that happens. And I just kind of looked at her
and was like, you know, having her talk to me for a little bit.
And then out of nowhere, she goes, Mom, why do you have a
flashlight? And so I was like, oh, you're
good, bro. Go lay down and watch Bluey.

(18:26):
So we just kept her home to monitor her.
But anyways, yeah. So yeah, that was just a lot.
Just always worrying about that kind of stuff and what may
trigger a seizure and all that. And it's just it's very mentally
taxing. Car issues are still just

(18:50):
stupid. Tigers truck is now not working
and that's part of the reason why I'm home today because we I
I took my friend's vehicle back to her last night.
Really appreciated that they letus use it for as long as they.
Did, but took it. Back to them last night, was

(19:11):
just going to use my neighbor's truck because the part for my,
my car came in the other day. So hopefully we'll have my car
back in a couple days. And so I was like, all right,
I'll just use my neighbor's vehicle for the next couple
days, you know. And then Tiger's truck decided
to not start. And so he thought it was the
battery, went and got a new battery.

(19:33):
And then when we went to go return my friend's car to her
and we're about to leave, Tiger's fucking car or truck
wouldn't start. And it was like, oh, maybe it's
the alternator. And I had said that a couple
days ago, even though I don't know shit about cars, I don't
know a fucking thing about cars.And I was like, I bet you it's
the alternator, not the battery.But you know, being around my

(19:55):
husband and listening to him talk about cars all the time,
even though I just completely zone out, some of it stuck, I
guess. But so, yeah, so our, you know,
my sweet friend, her husband charged my husband's battery,
got it going, spent some qualitytime with them for a little bit
and, you know, then we went home.

(20:17):
And so, yeah. Tiger's trying to get his truck
working today, and my sweet, amazing, wonderful boss gave me
the opportunity to work from home for the next two weeks.
I'm helping her with a project on some other properties in
another state, so I will be doing that.
And hopefully within that two weeks that I am home, things

(20:40):
finally start to turn around andI get my car back and it's
working because yeah, I'm just really feeling like we need a
fucking win. Like, seriously, like the last
two years have been absolute fucking shit.
Everything just keeps going wrong.
Everything is horrible. I'm not even going to lie, I've

(21:02):
had, I can't even I lost count how many suicidal ideations that
I've had because things have just been so fucking awful.
And it's just like 1 after another.
And I just keep getting back up,keep continuing to try to be
positive everything will be OK, affirmations, manifestation, all
of that stuff. And then something else goes

(21:25):
wrong. Something else happens, whether
it's work, a vehicle, my kids, something else happens money.
And I'm just like, I just, I can't deal.
So I had a little bit of a breakdown last night and just
started screaming like I can't fucking deal anymore.
But here I am, still here, getting back up despite

(21:49):
continually getting knocked down.
Getting back up. I'm continuing to fucking try.
I did. I fell asleep to some cord
cutting meditations early this morning.
Like I wanted to do them last night, but Tiger wanted me to
cuddle and watch a show with him, so I was like, all right,
I'll do the meditation later even though I really need to

(22:10):
fucking do it. So I woke up at like 6:00 AM
this morning, put my headphones in, started the cord cutting
meditations because there's justsome old energies attached to a
person that needs to be cut. And they've been haunting me for
the past two years and I've tried everything and I can't

(22:31):
seem to get them out of my system and it's ruining my
fucking life. So I was like, all right, I've
talked to a friend of mine aboutthis who's who's done it and it
worked for them. And I've looked into a little
bit into it a little bit. Let's start doing cord cutting
meditation to just cut unwanted energies that note negative

(22:54):
energies that no longer serve me, that aren't serving my
highest good, that are stunting me from reaching my highest
frequency and aligning into my highest power.
Cut all the cords that are linking me to this individual.
Cut all those energetic cords soI can move the fuck on with my

(23:15):
life. So.
It's not like a one and done thing.
So it's just something that I'm going to have to keep doing day
after day after day. And then eventually my hope is
that they will just be completely out of my energy
field, out of my head, out of mydreams, out of my energy field,

(23:37):
and just move the fuck on. So, but yeah, if you ever have
old energy or negative energy that's pulling you back or
keeping you stuck or keeping yousad or grieving or angry or
depressed or whatever, it is keeping you in this repeated
loop of dark nights of the soul.Look in the cord cutting

(23:59):
meditation. I can't tell you that it works
because I'm trying it now myself.
But I do have friends who said that it has worked for them.
But so that's why I'm recommending it.
If there is someone in your lifethat is just their energy is
tied to you for whatever reason,and it's just, it's not
beneficial to you whatsoever. And you've tried absolutely

(24:21):
everything I would. I would suggest giving cord
energy cord cutting meditation atry.
But anyways, what I wanted to, Iactually had been writing down
episode ideas. For the past little.
While so I had stuff like in theroster once I started and I came

(24:46):
across a video by a therapist and I've seen some other ones
since then about something that's rarely talked about
because I even questioned it myself and the therapist I don't
remember exactly what she said. She also has a podcast and stuff
too. I can't remember her name right
now because I just barely started.

(25:07):
I only watched like one video byher but I'll I'll go find it
because I saved it. If I was going to do a video
episode this week, I would have linked it in in the video, but
I'm not And it that's another thing about videos.
I had to delete everything off my fucking phone just to be able
to download the last podcast video I did because it was so

(25:29):
fucking large. So large that I had to delete
everything off my phone just just to to fit the fucking file
on my phone because I have a really cool editing app on my
phone. I have one on my laptop, but
every time I would download the video after editing it and then
have it sent to my phone becauseit when I would try to get it to

(25:52):
upload straight to YouTube, for some fucking reason it just
wouldn't work. And so I'm like alright, I'll
have it sent to my phone and then I'll upload it to YouTube
and I was paying for the subscription and everything and
it wouldn't fucking work. So I ended it was using the one
on my phone, which I actually like more.
I feel like it has more featuresand stuff, but you know, because

(26:14):
I can't ever make shit short. The video was so fucking long
and then I was trying to add music to it and everything and
it just kept telling me that I had no fucking room.
So I had to delete like fucking everything off my phone.
And it's funny because when I bought this phone, when I bought
it, the person was like, oh, howmuch, you know, how much hard

(26:34):
drive do you think you want? And oh, you're probably not
going to be like doing much withit.
So why don't you just go with this amount of gigabytes or
whatever. And it rings in my head now
because I'm like, I should have just opted for the larger
gigabytes or whatever because I knew that I was going to be
podcasting and I was going to need that.
Extra fucking storage. You know, but whatever.

(26:56):
Anyways, so I was thinking aboutin this video because like I
said, I've had this question myself.
Why is it that once we are finally in a safe, healthy,
loving, like whole relationship,all our baggage, all our trauma,

(27:21):
all our unhealed shit comes to the surface?
And I had asked myself the same question when I had gotten with
Tiger, because before him, I didn't know that I was operating
in survival mode. I didn't.
I mean, and I think that goes for everybody.
Like when you're a kid and you're living in your fucked up

(27:46):
family dynamic, family situation, you're not really
conscious that all this is trauma and that it's going to
form you one day. You're just used to it like this
is your life, like this is just how it is.
Sure. You see other people, you see
your friends and how they're treated and how what it's like
at their household and, and you see the contrast and you know,

(28:08):
what's going on in your household is not OK, but it's
just you're a product of your environment.
Like that's just what you're used to.
That's what you've always known.You know, it's not normal, but
it's normal to you, you know, And you don't think that there
is scars from that, but the bodykeeps score.

(28:29):
It lives in your, you know, trauma and pain lives in your
body and you can carry it generationally and pass it down.
But you don't know any of that when you're growing up.
And then you get older and you don't know that you have these
scars and this pain and all thisstuff that you're carrying.

(28:50):
You're just operating as you andyou don't realize that like
you've been in survival mode andthat you've developed all these
triggers and you know, the way you react to stress.
Like you, like you may shut down, but like for me, I shut
down. I disassociate.
I mindlessly scroll on social media.

(29:12):
I might get really immersed in Elder Scrolls or ESO, which is
like my favorite PlayStation game.
So I'll, I'll get, I'll get likeengrossed in that and, and play
that for like a month. And that's me disassociating.
That's me creating a distraction.

(29:33):
I you know, will just kind of shut out the world and need to
be left the fuck alone. But because I carry a lot of
guilt and I never want anyone tothink that I'm mad at them or
ever want to hurt anyones feelings, even though I may be
hurting and maybe fucking sobbing, if somebody texts me, I

(29:55):
just text them back, even if I'mon the floor feeling like I'm
dying. Because I just never want
anybody to feel like I'm ignoring them or something.
Because I absolutely know what that feels like to be ignored.
I absolutely know what that feels like when someone is, is
blocking me or just blatantly, you know, ignoring me.

(30:17):
And it's painful. It's extremely painful.
It's very, very painful and I don't think that for me
personally, I don't think it's alot to just tell somebody I'm
not in a good place right now, like to respond, but when I'm
feeling better, I will. That's just me though, I have
friends who you can text them 10times and your message is going

(30:41):
to be left on red because they just cannot bring themselves to
respond to anybody and that's OK.
I don't take that personally. I absolutely do not.
Like I always just tell my friends I will be here when you
decide to re rejoin the world. Like like when you're done, you
know, shutting the world out andyou're feeling OK, just know I
will still be here when you comeback, you know, But for me

(31:04):
personally, because the guilt will eat at me because I know
that I have a text messages thatI haven't responded to sitting
on my phone. I just will.
I may not say much or I may say like I'm just self isolating
right now or I may just send an emoji or something.
But for me personally. Because I know what it feels

(31:27):
like. When you think someone's
ignoring you and how much it hurts, I just feel like I have
an obligation to respond to people.
That's just me. I'm not judging how anybody else
chooses to sit with themselves and be by themselves and work
through something. But for me personally, because I
don't like feeling like someone has discarded or thrown me away,

(31:49):
I don't want anybody. Else to feel that way.
And so I could be fucking writing out my fucking suicide
note and I, and if you text me, I'm still going to fucking stop
my suicide note to fucking respond to you.
That's, that's just me. I know that sounds extremely
morbid, but that's just me. You know, I just even if I'm

(32:10):
telling you I'm not OK right nowand I'm not really going to
respond to you like I'm just going to say I'm not OK right
now. I'm not in a place to carry in a
conversation. I've seen a few days or
whatever. That's just me.
But anyways, but yeah, for me, when like just you're carrying
all this stuff with you, you don't even realize that you have
these triggers, that you have these, these these ticks or you

(32:32):
have or not ticks, but like you have just.
Kind of like. This built in way of how you
handle things, either you lash out or you shut down or you stay
quiet or you get very talkative or you can't sit still or you

(32:52):
make tons of jokes to, you know,mask how sad you are or
whatever. Everybody has their coping
mechan. Those their built in coping
mechanisms that they just kind of developed from the kind of
household they grew up in their their kind of environment that
they came from. And you don't know any of this.
You just think this is you. And then you get with somebody,

(33:15):
you get in a healthy relationship and all that stuff
that you thought was buried, never to re emerge that you were
never going to have to face, never going to have to deal
with. It all starts to just bubble up
to the surface. And I remember when it happened
to me. I'm like, what the fuck?

(33:35):
Like I'm finally in a healthy, good relationship.
I have this amazing man that shows up for me in every aspect
that I need him to. I can rely on him.
I can count on him. I can be the biggest fucking
bitch in the world and he's still fucking there for me.

(33:56):
He still continues to show up for me.
He still continues to put up with all my fucking shit.
Even if I'm screaming at him to leave me the fuck alone.
He's still like, OK, I'm going to leave you alone, but I'm
right here like I'm not going anywhere like I love you.
I'm not going anywhere. Like you can be as angry and
lashing out and saying mean things and hurting my feelings

(34:18):
and whatever. I know you don't mean it, but
I'm still going to be here when you get back, when I'm still,
I'm still going to and I'm stillgoing to, if you're, if you
allow me to hold you and, and, and kiss you and comfort you,
I'm going to love you back to yourself.
Like that is how Tiger has always shown up for me.
And so even though I tested him in so many different ways,

(34:41):
because that's what we do when we're used to people leaving,
we're used to people abandoning us.
We're used to people hurting us when we finally get something
good, we don't know what the fuck in, in my experience
anyway, I didn't know what the fuck to do with Tiger.
I wasn't used to Tiger. I wasn't used to somebody like
Tiger. And so I made him responsible
for all the pain that other people caused me.

(35:03):
Everybody that ever cut me, he was responsible.
He I was now bleeding and he wasresponsible to clean up that
mess, even though he wasn't the one that cut me.
And so, you know, for the first couple years, I think I really
kept him on his toes because my trust issues were so fucked up.
And even though he had given me no reason to not trust him, I

(35:27):
still had a lot of shit that I was.
Carrying and then it. All came out once I was finally
safe. Once I was finally safe, it was
like, damn, I'm sorry, here you go.
You know, like here's all this stuff that I didn't even know I
had, but here it is. So I just kind of wanted to

(35:48):
unpack that a little bit. So from what I learned from what
I can recollect from that video,because I'm horrible at relaying
things and my memory kind of sucks.
But basically from what I got from that and from my own
experience is the reason why allour demons, all our darkness,

(36:11):
all our trauma, pain, all of that stuff finally comes to the
surface once we are in a safe relationship.
It's because we are finally not operating from a place of
survival. Our nervous system, our our
body, our soul finally realizes it can breathe like we're safe

(36:33):
now, we're safe now. And you would think that that's
it, you're safe now and that's it.
But no, then everything that youwere ever running from bearing
all that's you know, once you'refinally out of survival mode and

(36:55):
your and your body finally your nervous system finally has a
second to be like what the fuck was that?
What the fuck was my childhood? What the fuck was that
ex-boyfriend? Why the fuck did he treat me
that way? Why the fuck did he say that?
Why the fuck did he hit me? Why the fuck this?
Why the fuck that finally, when you're in this safe space and

(37:19):
your nervous system is relaxed and can finally sit with itself,
it finally just starts to open all these Pandora's boxes
because it finally has the environment to sit and process
and unpack all that shit. And it's not like it just comes
out and you're like, Oh, no, that that shit comes out like a

(37:41):
fucking hurricane tornado. And you're crying and you're
screaming and you're lashing outand you're angry.
And in my case, I'm, you know, tigers hearing a lot.
Of leave. Me the fuck around.
And I'm locking myself in my room and I'm needing to be alone
and just cry for six hours. And I don't know why I feel this

(38:02):
way. And you know, a lot of that came
out with my postpartum after having Samara.
I don't think that I ever got tohave postpartum with Araya, even
though I think I had it. I couldn't decipher whether I
did or not because I was alreadyfucking miserable after I had
Araya because my relationship with her dad wasn't good.

(38:25):
I was more depressed than I had been since I was a teenager.
I wanted to kill myself. I was very much operating from a
place of survival. So if I had postpartum after
having Araya, I don't know, because shit already sucked.
And then after I had Samara, actually prior to having Samara,

(38:45):
I had had a panic attack one morning.
I think Tiger was getting ready for work and I used to get up
with him in the morning while hegot ready so we could spend time
together. And I don't know what triggered
it, what happened, but I just started freaking out and I just
started crying and I couldn't sit still.
And Tiger was like, what's wrong?
What's the matter? And I'm like, you're going to

(39:07):
change after we have this baby. You're not going to want me
anymore. And you're going to you're going
to start being abused so to me and you're going to start saying
really mean things to me and you're going to start hitting me
and you're going to resent me and you're going to hate being a
dad. And everything's just going to
go to shit like it did with withmy oldest.
And he was like, what, what are you going?
What? And I'm just like, I just know

(39:27):
it. You're going to change.
You're going to be a completely different person after we have
her, like after we have our daughter, everything's just
going to be different. And you're going to hate me.
And and like he just was just like, what in the world is she
like what? Like what is going on right now?
And so like he got me to like sit down on the couch because I
wouldn't sit still. I was just like getting up,

(39:49):
couldn't walking back and forth,rocking up and down, just crying
and, and just was just having a complete panic attack.
And I, I think that was probablylike the worst one.
I the first one I ever had in mylife actually.
And he's like, where is this coming from?
And I'm just like, I just know it.
I just know it. And he's like, he's like baby,
like, what have I done to like make you think that like I've

(40:10):
I've been the same person that I've.
Been since we've gotten togetherand I'm just like, I just know
it. It happened to me and it
happened to all my friends and you're just going to become a
different person. And he's like, I promise you I
won't like I don't exactly remember everything that he
said, but basically he was like,I promise you nothing is going
to change. Nothing is going to change.

(40:30):
I'm going to still love you. I'm still going to love Araya.
I'm going to love our daughter. Everything is still going to be
OK. Like it'll be OK.
And so he just like held. Me and kissed me and, and you
know, until I fell felt better. And then he went to work and
then we had our daughter and I watched him very closely and

(40:51):
nothing changed. He was still the same person he
was from day one and he had never had any experience of
being a dad before other than the little time that he had
spent with Araya the past coupleyears.
But he just took to it absolutely organically, like he
did with Araya, and everything was fine.

(41:12):
I was safe, we were safe. And then the postpartum hit me
like a fucking like tsunami. And I feel like I was also
having residual postpartum from when I had Araya because I
didn't really get to feel it after I had her.
And so I got punched with it times 2.

(41:34):
I started having horrible intrusive thoughts.
I will talk about that in another episode.
I actually want to do an episodeabout intrusive thoughts and
then postpartum and and I I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD.
Which OCD is common. Intrusive thoughts are common

(41:57):
with people who have OCD and thepostpartum just amped up the
OCDI. I've always had very mild OCD.
Very mild. I've always had like I'm kind of
a germaphobe, not over the top, but I kind of am.
I wash my hands multiple times aday.
I have a weird thing about locks.
Even if I lock something, I haveto go back and make sure it's

(42:19):
locked again and and I got to goback again and again and again
until I've convinced my brain that it is locked.
I have a weird thing with mailboxes.
If I put something in the mail, I'm afraid someone's going to
take it. So I will go back out to the
mailbox several times and check my.
My friend Jose from high school can attest to this because he
was my sweet friend that would walk back to me walk back with

(42:42):
me to my locker as many times asI I needed to.
We would be on our way to construction class, which we had
to leave campus. And Jose knew about my weird
thing with lock things. And so I'd be like, did I lock
my locker? Did I shut it?
And he'd go, yeah, you did. I'm like, I have to go back.
And he'd be like, OK. And it just became like a daily

(43:03):
thing anytime we had to go to construction class together
because we'd always walk together.
And he just knew, you got to go back, don't you?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. And he'd be like, it's OK.
I don't care if we're late. And so like.
He would walk back with me to mylocker as many times as I needed
to. I had to touch it, I had to fill
it. I had to mess with the
combination and convince myself,OK, it is locked, nobody's going

(43:25):
to break into my locker. And sometimes it was 3-4 times,
but Jose was more than happy to go back as many times as they
needed to. So good friends are such a
blessing and especially the onesthat don't make you feel like
you're fucking crazy. So that was the extent of my
OCD. But after I had Samara, it was

(43:47):
the worst it had ever been and it manifested into horrible
intrusive thoughts, horrible intrusive thoughts mainly of of
harming my children. And it made me go very, like, I
isolated myself and I became very, very, very depressed.

(44:12):
I mean, I already had postpartum.
And so I had periods where I just locked myself in my room
all day and cried. And I kind of put up a wall
between myself and my children because these intrusive thoughts
scared the living shit out of me.
And it got, it really got in theway of me being able to show up
for my kids, especially my oldest, in the way that I needed

(44:32):
to. So maybe I'll talk about it in a
different episode. I've never been able to quite
find a therapist. I can put her finger on why I
was having the intrusive thoughts that I was having and
why they were so intense and whythey were.
Mainly because it got to the point where it drove a wedge
between me and my oldest. And I didn't feel as close to

(44:54):
her anymore because of how bad this postpartum was and the OCD
and, and, you know, and just, yeah, maybe I'll talk about it
in another episode. But I really felt like I put a
wall. Between me and my oldest for a
few years because I just couldn't deal.
Nobody, nobody tells you that itcan happen in reverse.

(45:16):
You know what I'm saying? Nobody tells you before you have
a baby, people. I've heard women say, oh, I
don't know how I can expand my heart to give more love to this
new baby because I just, I love my my baby so much that I
currently have. How can my heart grow more for a
new baby? Nobody tells you that it can
happen in reverse. Nobody tells you that you have

(45:37):
all this love for your first child and then you have another
child. And then your, your brain just
rearranges and acts different. And then you have this new baby
and your brain doesn't remember that your old baby or your first
baby is also your baby. And so that's what happened to
me is that my brain was having ahard time remembering that my

(46:00):
oldest was also my child. And I struggled with that for
years, trying to convince my brain on a daily basis that my
child, my old, my first child was still my child.
So yeah, nobody tells you, you know, and I've never been able
to find a therapist. I can quite put her finger on

(46:21):
what was going on and why my brain couldn't remember that my
oldest child was my child so. I feel like that.
Messed up our relationship for afew years because I distanced
myself from her. Not on purpose and not by
choice, but yeah so. But during that time, yes.

(46:44):
Hi baby are. You calling daddy?
No daddy's here. I'm just recording a podcast
episode. What's a pocket episode I'll.
Explain it to you when I'm done,OK?
I love you. Go watch your show, please.
I'll be there in a minute, OK? I love you. close my door, baby.

(47:06):
I love you. But yeah, so I'm safe.
I'm in this safe relationship. I have this amazing man that
loves me and loves his kids is taking care of us but I'm not
OK. And I remember questioning this
like I'm finally in this great relationship, everything is

(47:28):
going good and I'm being loved the way I deserve and the way my
child deserves. The way both my children
deserve. Why am I so miserable?
Why am I suicidal? Why am I not OK?
And so it it got to the point where Tiger just knew if I
handed him Samara, if I started screaming, and then I handed him

(47:48):
Samara and just kind of threw myhands up in the air and was
like, I can't take it anymore. I can't deal.
And then I would go slam myself in my room for six hours and
cry. It had nothing to do with my
baby. It wasn't that I couldn't take
care of my baby. It wasn't that I couldn't take
it because she was driving me nuts.
It was my brain. I couldn't take my brain.
And it was driving me insane. And if anybody wants to know why

(48:12):
I love Bob's Burger so much, Bob's Burger saved me during
those dark days because during that time where I would spend 6
hours in the room, locked in my room, the tiger just knew that
he had to just take over and take care of the girls for the
next few hours. And, you know, make sure Araya
was fed, Samara was fed, you know, everything.

(48:33):
He showed up for me in that way because he knew that I wasn't
OK. And this was before I went and
got on medication and finally went to the doctor and was like,
I need help. I need help.
So but during those six hours, four, six hours, I'm locked in
my room, I would put on Bob's Burgers and I would just laugh
through my tears. And so I do believe that, among

(48:58):
other things, Bob's Burgers definitely saved me.
So yeah, that's why, you know? So, yeah.
But I just remember not understanding what the hell was
going on. I'm safe.
I'm in this safe environment. I'm in this loving environment.

(49:20):
I don't have to worry anymore. I'm not living in the household
that I grew up in. I'm not going to sleep listening
to screaming. I'm not going to sleep listening
to my mom get beat up. I'm not going to I'm not my baby
isn't going to sleep anymore listening to her parents argue
and and and her dad, you know, hit her or hit her mother.

(49:42):
You know, I'm not going to sleepto these things and or my child
is my child is not going to sleep to her parents arguing or
her father hitting her mother. She's not standing there
witnessing this. Stuff you know, And this isn't
like. To talk badly about Araya's, my

(50:04):
oldest daughter's father, because that was a zillion years
ago. We've moved on.
He's apologized. I apologize.
We were, you know, just a young couple unprepared to be
children, children unprepared tobe parents.
And he's come a long way. He's come a long way.
And I'm very proud of him. I'm proud of the man he is

(50:26):
today. So I don't want to speak
negatively of him because I've forgiven him.
I've forgiven myself and I've let go of the past.
I've moved on from that. But these were all major
triggers and trauma for me back then.
And then me growing up and listening to my parents argue,

(50:47):
listening to my mom break things, listening to my mom
later on with her boyfriend and listening to my I'm going to
sleep at night as a kid and hearing my mom be beat up by her
boyfriend. You know, all these things that
I didn't think that I would bring with me into adulthood,
that I didn't think that I wouldcarry in my body, you know, and

(51:08):
then all this stuff would come spilling out when I'm in the
safe relationship. And now I have all this stuff,
all these pieces of, of different events and that I can
remember in my memory. And it was like all these random
puzzle pieces, like pieces of glass just came out of my body
and out of my head. And it was sitting there before

(51:29):
me, all these just pieces of glass that held bits and pieces
of, of traumatic memories and stuff.
And I have to sit there and makesense of it all and process it
all so I can then gather up all these pieces of glass and throw
them away because I've processedand gone through it.
Yeah. Do you mind?
If we get hot chocolate, Kamala when she's come.

(51:51):
Tell yeah. Oh, you know what?
We have to go get her. Is Daddy here?
Daddy's here. OK, So he's probably going to go
get her. Is he outside working on his
car? Yeah.
OK, well then why don't you go put your shoes on and go outside
with Daddy so you can wait for Sissy to to walk up because
she's going to be walking walking up here in a few

(52:11):
minutes. Well Park, can I have hot
chocolate with Mama? Oh, that was your roundabout way
of asking for hot chocolate. Got it.
OK. Yes, baby, when your sister gets
home, you and her can have hot chocolate.
OK? I love you.
OK, go get your shoes on and go outside with daddy so you guys
can get Sissy. I'm coming.

(52:31):
Too, if you want to. Well, I do.
Want. To come.
OK, I know, baby. I know you miss your sister, but
yeah, so at least for me and if anybody else that knows what I'm
talking about, that was operating from a place of
survival for all their life. And they didn't even know that

(52:52):
they were, they didn't know thatthey had all these these
triggers and and ways that they coping mechanisms and all that
stuff. And then finally they get into a
safe environment and all that stuff starts to come out and
they're like, why? Why now?
Why now? And it's just that you're safe.

(53:14):
You're safe now. Your nervous system identifies
and recognizes that it is now safe.
And so it's like you're safe. You don't have to worry about
the rug being pulled out from under you.
You don't have to worry about the environment that you're
currently safe in suddenly becoming unsafe.
Like for me, Tiger had created and cultivated this environment

(53:35):
for me and my daughter that I did not have to worry about
anything. He didn't even want me to work.
He just wanted me to be at home,you know, and just relax.
Don't worry about working, just be able to just be a mom full
time because I was used to just working and hardly ever seen my
kid working, going to school. And he was like, no, no, no, no.

(53:56):
I want you to be able to have asmuch time with your daughter as
possible. You know, I got you.
I will take care of us, you know, And he was a latchkey kid,
so he always wanted to be with somebody that was at home with
the kids. And so he was like, I am gifting
that to you. Don't worry about working, but
because I am who I am, I have towork and we've finally have

(54:17):
gotten to middle ground on that.Mostly after 13 years.
Not really. If you ask him today he would
still be like no, I fucking hateher job.
I hate that she works. He hates, he's hated every job
I've ever had. It doesn't matter what it is.
I could absolutely love my job and he fucking hates it.
It doesn't matter because he would rather me be home, but
he's gotten to a place where he's like, fine, I can't fight
you that on this anymore. You want to work, you like to

(54:39):
work. It makes you feel happy and
fulfilled. Fine work.
Just know that I hate it, you know?
But he respects it. But at that time when we moved
in with him, he was like, I don't want you worrying about
anything. Just be here with Araya and I
got you guys. I will take care of everything

(54:59):
and so even though I still had my trust issues and my
insecurities and all that stuff,my nervous system deep down
still new Mercedes, you are safe.
You are in a safe environment. This man has proven to you that
you don't have to worry about anything, that he isn't suddenly
going to switch up and become a villain and fuck your whole life

(55:21):
up, you know? And I never got that feeling
from him ever. I never got that inkling from
him ever that like, when's the other shoe going to drop?
Or this is too good to be true? Never.
Like it always felt authentic and genuine with him.
And I never had that feeling with anybody before.
So my nervous system, my body clearly knew before I did.
You're safe. We are safe.

(55:44):
You can finally release and fuck, boy, did I release.
Oh my gosh, did I release? And I'm still fucking releasing,
still fucking releasing. But I feel like at the years
have gone by, I've kind of learned to release in more

(56:05):
healthier ways. Not always.
Because I was. Literally telling my husband to
leave me the fuck alone last night, screaming leave me the
fuck alone because he hates leaving me alone.
He always wants to be around me,he always wants to fix
everything. He always wants to make sure I'm
OK. But sometimes I just need to be
laughed the fuck out loud. But I could have handled that

(56:28):
better. I could have delivered that to
him better. I could have been like babe I
need an hour. I'm about to lose my fucking
shit, I can't deal anymore. There's just too much.
Stuff going on OK, that's fine. I'll make you hot chocolate here
in a second. That's fine.

(56:49):
I'll make some for you then. All right, so I need to wrap
this up because my baby wants hot chocolate.
But but I would like to think over the past 13 years, not
every day, not every time I havegotten better with how I'm
releasing and trying to be healthier about my release, but

(57:13):
I'm still getting there. But yeah, I think it's just that
that you get, you're finally safe.
Your nervous system finally recognizes that you're fucking
safe and it's time to release. It's time to go inward and do
that hard work of shadow work, healing you, healing your inner

(57:41):
wounds, healing your inner child.
And it's not something that you can rush or run through or skip
or go over or under. All you can do is go through it
and it's hard. It's so hard and it's so
painful. It's a lot.

(58:03):
I recommend taking breaks. Don't try to go out at all at
once. I was forced by my hair on an
accelerated healing journey thispast year and some change.
I didn't have a choice. All my inner chill child,
different stages came out and was like no we are dealing with

(58:23):
this now and I didn't have a choice.
If you're not being forced on a spiritual journey that you
didn't ask to be on and you're not being pulled by your hair to
heal all your shit immediately, be very thankful for that.
Be very, very thankful that the universe is letting you do and

(58:44):
go at the pace that you feel comfortable going at.
Because I wasn't awarded that. But.
Whether you're going fast or whether you're going slow, it is
still fucking painful and so I recommend taking breaks.
I recommend loving on yourself. Love, love, love, love.
Loving on yourself, Taking much needed breaks and doing the

(59:06):
things that make you feel at peace, make you feel the most
whole, make you feel the most happy, your most highest.
And then when you're ready to goback to tackling all that tough
stuff, go do it. You need another break.
Take another break. Take as many as you fucking
need. There's been books that I've had

(59:27):
to put down because they're so fucking triggering.
So, you know, but it's importantwork.
It's important work to heal ourselves, especially if you're
being tasked with healing your whole fucking lineage for all
your ancestors, especially if you were that lucky 1 to to heal

(59:49):
your whole lineage. It's a lot of work,
irregardless, it's a lot of work, but it's necessary work.
And I'm learning that as you start to do it, you feel
amazing. Just me talking right now and
pushing through all my pain and all my mental shit that I'm

(01:00:11):
dealing with right now, all the stress in my life right now,
just sitting here talking through this is making me feel
so much better because I know that I'm doing something that
will benefit my highest self. Healing out loud, doing the hard
work, revealing the hard stuff so I can heal it, you know?

(01:00:38):
But yeah, so I mean, if you've been there, if you've operated
from a place of survival and then all of a sudden you get to
a place of safety, absolute complete safety, and all your
shit started coming to the service and you didn't know why.
I think that's it. And that's what that there was,
was basically trying to say is that you are finally safe.

(01:01:02):
And now it's time to process andunpack and make sense of
everything that was done to you,everything that was said to you,
everything that you went through, all the pain, all the
hurt, all the sadness, and to work through and heal it at your
own pace. Of course, if you're awarded
that. But I think that's it.

(01:01:25):
You're finally safe to do all that.
Because I don't know about you, but I didn't grow up in a
household where it was OK to just feel your emotions.
It was OK to just cry. I think a lot of us can agree we
came from the generation of shutup before I give you something
to cry about, OK? I feel triggered just saying
that. So we weren't safe.

(01:01:48):
We weren't safe to fill our fills.
And then for me, I got to that safe place and was like, wow, I
can cry and fill all my fills and I'm not going to be
reprimanded for it. I'm not going to be yelled at or
hit for letting my emotions out Finally.
So if you have you found that safe place, if another amazing

(01:02:12):
if, whether it's a place, a human being, if you found that
safe place, honor it, Be thankful for it, be so thankful
for it, and then do that important, beneficial, necessary

(01:02:32):
work to heal. I know it sucks.
You didn't cause the trauma, youdidn't cause the pain, but it's
your responsibility to heal it. I know it fucking sucks, but we
got to we got to. It's part of our mission.
It's part of our, it's part of our journey.

(01:02:55):
It's what we were meant to do because we're meant for
something higher. We're meant for so much more.
And so that healing is necessaryso we can get to that higher,
higher frequency. But I love you all.
I'm going to get off here. Go make my baby some hot cocoa,

(01:03:16):
get through the rest of the stressful last day.
And I really do feel like thingsare going to start turning
around for us. It's got to it's got to, we've
had two years of bullshit. So we've got to be getting to a,
a, a, a sweet spot, a good spot where things just start to kind
of flow our way. Let's hope so.
I'm manifesting it. Be fucking kind.

(01:03:37):
Please be fucking kind. You don't know what people are
going through. You don't.
We don't. We don't.
We think we do, but we don't. Listen to your friends, even
when they're being silent. Reach out to them, check on
them. Let them know that you're there
for them, that they don't have to respond, that you'll be there

(01:03:59):
when they get back. Send them DoorDash, them a
coffee, a doughnut, a cookie, just so you know.
Let them know you're, you're thinking about them, you know,
smile. That's the easiest way to be
kind to somebody. Just smile at them.
Just be kind. Everybody's going through it.

(01:04:21):
Everything. Everybody's going through tough
times right now, whether they want to talk about it or not,
whether they're showing it or not.
Just be kind. But I'll be back in the next
one. Bye.