March 9, 2023 • 13 mins
This episode covers :
What are boundaries?
Specifically, what do time boundaries actually mean?
What are some specific examples you can set time boundaries for yourself and for your kids?
Some food for thought:
- How much time do you need for yourself?
- How much time do you want to spend with your kids?
- How do you encourage your kids to set time boundaries?
Before you mentor your kids around time boundaries, do you need help clarifying what's your time boundaries?
Book your free 30 min session with me or leave a message.
I am here to listen and help you come up with a schedule that fits your need and will support your parenting journey!
Relevant episodes:
As a certified parent coach, I aim to help you set boundaries with compassion.
So grab your FREE Compassionate Parenting Guides now!
You can also:
- Join an ONLINE workshop
- Contact me
- Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and LinkedIn
- Learn how I can help you.
Remember to treat yourself and your children with compassion and curiosity. 🫶
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tammy Afriat (00:02):
Hey, and welcome back to the
Playground Talks podcast.
I'm Temi Efy at your hostand the mother of three kids,
ages four, nine, and 12.
I'm also a certified parentingcoach by W C I, which is
World Coach Institute, andwhich is credentialed by the.
InternationalCoaching Federation.
(00:24):
So I started thispodcast over a year ago.
Unbelievable.
the Playground Talks podcastjust celebrated one year
in February 22nd, 23.
And so in the first year,we had people talking
to us and teaching usand giving some advices.
And today, we'll, Someepisode, which I'm gonna dive
(00:49):
into boundaries, which manyparents finding challenging.
And what do I mean by that?
I mean . What does itmean to set boundaries?
Does it mean that I need tolimit my child discipline
to control, to put somany rules to say no?
Like what does it actually mean?
And so I dived and madea little research around.
(01:10):
. one of the research thatI actually used is episode
number six with Briannafrom Conscious Mommy.
If you haven't listenedto that, highly recommend
to go and listen to her.
But anyway, today we'llstart with the basic of what
is boundaries and we'll diveinto one specific boundary,
(01:31):
so boundaries as Brianna.
Taught us, it's actuallynot about limitation and
discipline and control.
Boundaries is allabout connecting and
protecting ourself.
And what do I mean by that?
So boundary is when youask yourself or your
kids it, what do you needand what do you want?
(01:52):
When you set those expectationwith the people around you,
like family member, your kids,your colleague, whoever you can
think of, when you set thoseexpectations, this actually
make your relationship stronger.
When you set thoseboundaries you have a
healthier relationship.
The other thing is thatyou protect yourself.
(02:15):
Cuz when you talk and youset emotional boundaries,
intellectual boundaries,material boundaries,
physical sexual boundariesand time boundaries, you
actually protect yourself.
So there is actually agreat quote that I would
love to share with you fromthe book Boundaries by Dr.
Henry Cloud and Dr.
John Thompson.
(02:36):
And the quote goes like this, aboundary shows me where I end,
and someone else begins leadingme to a sense of ownership and.
I'm gonna repeat it.
A boundary shows me where I endand someone else begins leading
me to a sense of ownership.
So whenever we talk aboutboundaries, first of all
(02:56):
is to define for yourself.
What are your boundaries?
What do you want andwhat do you need?
And.
When we talk about ourkids, I highly, highly
reco, recommend, encourageyour kid to do the same.
Help them own their ownboundaries and understand how
they want to be with otherpeople, how they want to
(03:17):
communicate with other people,what makes them feel comfortable
and safe and what not.
So after addressing the basic ofboundaries, which is , what do
you want and what do you need?
Or what do I wantand what do I need?
The six boundaries that Dr.
Downton mentioned inepisode 10 is material
(03:38):
boundary time boundary,which we'll dive into today.
Physical boundary.
And sexual boundary.
those two are a bit overlapand we'll focus on physical
boundary just because we talkabout kids ages two to eight
years old, so sexual boundaryare much less relevant.
So we'll dive into the physicalboundary, emotional boundary,
(04:00):
and intellectual boundary.
So in the next episode,Each episode will focus on
one of them so let's startwith time boundaries, which
is basically one of myfavorite . So time ery refer
to how person uses their time.
Which simply saying scheduling,but not only because setting
(04:21):
time boundaries meansunderstanding your prioritize
and setting aside enough timefor the many areas of your
life without over committing.
So I would start withsaying, you as a parent,
what's your time boundary?
How much time do you wantto spend with your kids?
Have quality time?
How much time doyou spend working?
(04:43):
How much time do you need?
You know, just your time.
I call it tummy time, butyou can call it me time.
And you want to work out, talkto your friends, you know,
do whatever gives you joy.
Fill up your batteries.
So, . The first thing that Ilove to talk about in regard
to that is that I love when Ihave an overwhelmed day and I
(05:05):
need those 10 minutes to sitwith myself and have a coffee.
Then I would say to mykids, you know what?
I just need the 10 minutestime alone, tummy time.
Let's put the timer andthen in 10 minutes I will be
available to play with you.
Read stories, you know,whatever we'll choose to do.
By doing it, by communicatingit a assertively.
(05:27):
And effectively, I'm actuallymoding for my kids how to
set their own time boundary.
And just yesterday I pickedup my kid and I was like,
Hey naab, how was your day?
And he was like, mommy,I need time alone.
So , I was, I was thinkingto myself, okay, he said,
(05:48):
Just very clear, he is timeborrow and that's not the time
for me to keep nagging him.
How his day, what did he eat?
Who did he play his, and youknow, all those kind of, sort
of investigating question.
So again, when you do itand communicate it in a
very clear and respectfulway, your kid is actually
(06:08):
allowed, you are allowingyour kids to do just the same.
Area in our life where we mightneed to set those boundaries
is, , setting play dates.
So a friend of minejust said, Hey, , are you
available like next week?
And I was like,yeah, sounds perfect.
However, we can have theplay date between four to six
because by six we typicallyhave our evening routine.
(06:32):
So is that okay with you?
So pay attention that timeboundaries goes to . When we
meet for how long we meet,and as long as we set this
expectation, then we caneither say, yes, it works for
us, or no it doesn't work.
Or we can negotiate andsay, well, you know what?
For us it's even five30 better than six.
Cause my youngest justis so tired by six 30.
(06:55):
So just to the point of.
, even when we set theboundary, it's still okay to
negotiate it again as longas you do it respectfully.
Also with your kids.
You know, , my child couldcome up and say, Hey mommy,
can I have another fiveminutes just to finish up
building this train track?
(07:16):
And I was like, okay,go ahead and do it.
And just know that you mightneed to have a shorter shower.
So again, also withyour kids, it's okay for
them to learn and to saythat's, that doesn't work.
Can we do something elseand come up with an.
negotiation skillsis so important.
(07:38):
, I think I might have awhole episode around that.
another thing that came up to mymind is, you know how you have
play date and then your kidscomes up and say, , I'm bored.
I wanna go home.
And you are having somuch fun with your friends
you're not up to leaving.
And so , another thingabout healthy boundaries,
that it has to be mutual.
(07:59):
The way you want yourkids to treat you.
It's the way you treat them.
so talking about respectfuland mutual relationship, you
could say, well, give me fiveor 10 more minutes to finish
up my discussion with myfriend, and then we can leave.
So let's put the timer.
By the way, I love using the.
(08:20):
and we will have an episodearound time management where
I'll give some deeper tipsaround how to use it and
implement using a timer.
And then the last point Iwant to mention is warning.
It's not only that we comeup and say, this is my time
boundary, but also once weset that time boundary and
(08:41):
we said, let's say now wehave 60 minutes to play, it's
crucial to come up and say,you've got 15 minutes before.
It's the end of play timeand we're moving towards,
you know, evening routine.
as much as you are.
Looking at your emails,scrolling Facebook, I don't
know, whatever you're doing andyour kids is coming and nagging
(09:03):
you to do something, and you arereally just wanting to finish
this email and send it over.
It's the same thing with yourkids, so be fair with them.
And give them that warning.
And also depends on their age.
Sometimes they needmore than one prompt.
They would need like the10 minutes prompt, then the
five minutes prompt, thenthe two minutes where you
(09:24):
actually help them move andtransition to the next activity.
Let's talk about whattime violation look like.
So first of all, not respectingwhen the kids wants to be alone.
This is, again, neutral.
So if your kids say, it'snot a good time for me
to talk about something,Then be respectful to that.
(09:47):
Another thing is when someoneis demanding too much of your
time, and here I do wannasay like, I know kids have
different personalities.
Some kids, they needso much attention.
Like they could play withyou two hours in a row and
you wouldn't be even ableto go to the restroom.
So in those cases, Iknow for myself that I am
(10:10):
setting the expectationand say, you know what?
We can have now a 20 minutesof a play and then I'll need
a five minute break to check.
I don't know my emails, so Iam setting those expectations.
Again, it's mutual.
If the kid is demanding too muchtime, I can also come up and
say, that's like 30 minutes.
(10:31):
Then we do five minutesbreak, and then we can go back
and play until six o'clock.
Another type of time, boundaryviolation is when you.
Ask from the kids todo some kind of task,
some kind of chore.
And let's say hedid it really fast.
Okay.
And then you say, okay,he cleaned up the table so
fast, then I can also askhim to now load the dishes.
(10:55):
So, I know that as achild, I was really the type
of , people pleaser, and I.
I fell into this category ofa kid that been asked to do
something, and then I did itso fast that I've been asked
to do another thing and anotherthing and I would do it.
So I'm just pointing that outto say, Be fair with your kids.
You know, if you ask onething and they did it, , give
(11:17):
them, the reward will be,they have more time to
do whatever they want.
And if you think that theycan do more the next time,
set different expectation.
But like, don't takeadvantage of your kids.
I guess that's what I wanna say.
And then last thing about timeboundary violation is when.
One is showing uplate or counseling.
(11:39):
And you know what?
as parent, and this canhappen a lot as parent, that
we over-committed to ourboss, to our colleague, to
our friend that just reallyneeds to talk to us now.
And somehow our own kids justbeing pushed away and were not.
Coming and talking to themand have the capacity
to listen to them.
(11:59):
So this is something thatI would highly recommend to
just take a moment and thinkto yourself, how much time
can you put your iPhone asideand really be present with
your kids and really show up?
Being in the moment, creatingthose magical moment, those
joyful moment, the onethat you want your kids to
(12:21):
remember being with you.
yes.
So basically just to wrap itup, today, we started talking
about boundaries in general.
We said that boundaries arenot, limitation and rule and
discipline, but to simply setthe expectation around yours
and your kids' needs and want.
(12:42):
When you do that, theoutcome is that you connect
and protect yourself.
And a question to ask yourselfis how much time do you want
to spend with your kids?
What's your time boundary Takingtime for yourself, being with
your spouse, working out?
How do you want to setthe schedule for the week?
(13:06):
If you need some supportto have some clarity around
that, I would love to bethere for you and listen and
make it even more actionable.
So in the show note,you can find link.
Where you can ask a questionand you can also find the
link to book a free 30 minutesession with me where we
can just start and dive intowhat is it that you want and
(13:29):
to have the clarity around.
So thank you so muchfor me for this episode.
. And as usual, treatyourself and your kids with
compassion and curiosity.
Bye.
Hey, and welcome back to the
Playground Talks podcast.
I'm Temi Efy at your hostand the mother of three kids,
ages four, nine, and 12.
I'm also a certified parentingcoach by W C I, which is
World Coach Institute, andwhich is credentialed by the.
InternationalCoaching Federation.
(00:24):
So I started thispodcast over a year ago.
Unbelievable.
the Playground Talks podcastjust celebrated one year
in February 22nd, 23.
And so in the first year,we had people talking
to us and teaching usand giving some advices.
And today, we'll, Someepisode, which I'm gonna dive
(00:49):
into boundaries, which manyparents finding challenging.
And what do I mean by that?
I mean . What does itmean to set boundaries?
Does it mean that I need tolimit my child discipline
to control, to put somany rules to say no?
Like what does it actually mean?
And so I dived and madea little research around.
(01:10):
. one of the research thatI actually used is episode
number six with Briannafrom Conscious Mommy.
If you haven't listenedto that, highly recommend
to go and listen to her.
But anyway, today we'llstart with the basic of what
is boundaries and we'll diveinto one specific boundary,
(01:31):
so boundaries as Brianna.
Taught us, it's actuallynot about limitation and
discipline and control.
Boundaries is allabout connecting and
protecting ourself.
And what do I mean by that?
So boundary is when youask yourself or your
kids it, what do you needand what do you want?
(01:52):
When you set those expectationwith the people around you,
like family member, your kids,your colleague, whoever you can
think of, when you set thoseexpectations, this actually
make your relationship stronger.
When you set thoseboundaries you have a
healthier relationship.
The other thing is thatyou protect yourself.
(02:15):
Cuz when you talk and youset emotional boundaries,
intellectual boundaries,material boundaries,
physical sexual boundariesand time boundaries, you
actually protect yourself.
So there is actually agreat quote that I would
love to share with you fromthe book Boundaries by Dr.
Henry Cloud and Dr.
John Thompson.
(02:36):
And the quote goes like this, aboundary shows me where I end,
and someone else begins leadingme to a sense of ownership and.
I'm gonna repeat it.
A boundary shows me where I endand someone else begins leading
me to a sense of ownership.
So whenever we talk aboutboundaries, first of all
(02:56):
is to define for yourself.
What are your boundaries?
What do you want andwhat do you need?
And.
When we talk about ourkids, I highly, highly
reco, recommend, encourageyour kid to do the same.
Help them own their ownboundaries and understand how
they want to be with otherpeople, how they want to
(03:17):
communicate with other people,what makes them feel comfortable
and safe and what not.
So after addressing the basic ofboundaries, which is , what do
you want and what do you need?
Or what do I wantand what do I need?
The six boundaries that Dr.
Downton mentioned inepisode 10 is material
(03:38):
boundary time boundary,which we'll dive into today.
Physical boundary.
And sexual boundary.
those two are a bit overlapand we'll focus on physical
boundary just because we talkabout kids ages two to eight
years old, so sexual boundaryare much less relevant.
So we'll dive into the physicalboundary, emotional boundary,
(04:00):
and intellectual boundary.
So in the next episode,Each episode will focus on
one of them so let's startwith time boundaries, which
is basically one of myfavorite . So time ery refer
to how person uses their time.
Which simply saying scheduling,but not only because setting
(04:21):
time boundaries meansunderstanding your prioritize
and setting aside enough timefor the many areas of your
life without over committing.
So I would start withsaying, you as a parent,
what's your time boundary?
How much time do you wantto spend with your kids?
Have quality time?
How much time doyou spend working?
(04:43):
How much time do you need?
You know, just your time.
I call it tummy time, butyou can call it me time.
And you want to work out, talkto your friends, you know,
do whatever gives you joy.
Fill up your batteries.
So, . The first thing that Ilove to talk about in regard
to that is that I love when Ihave an overwhelmed day and I
(05:05):
need those 10 minutes to sitwith myself and have a coffee.
Then I would say to mykids, you know what?
I just need the 10 minutestime alone, tummy time.
Let's put the timer andthen in 10 minutes I will be
available to play with you.
Read stories, you know,whatever we'll choose to do.
By doing it, by communicatingit a assertively.
(05:27):
And effectively, I'm actuallymoding for my kids how to
set their own time boundary.
And just yesterday I pickedup my kid and I was like,
Hey naab, how was your day?
And he was like, mommy,I need time alone.
So , I was, I was thinkingto myself, okay, he said,
(05:48):
Just very clear, he is timeborrow and that's not the time
for me to keep nagging him.
How his day, what did he eat?
Who did he play his, and youknow, all those kind of, sort
of investigating question.
So again, when you do itand communicate it in a
very clear and respectfulway, your kid is actually
(06:08):
allowed, you are allowingyour kids to do just the same.
Area in our life where we mightneed to set those boundaries
is, , setting play dates.
So a friend of minejust said, Hey, , are you
available like next week?
And I was like,yeah, sounds perfect.
However, we can have theplay date between four to six
because by six we typicallyhave our evening routine.
(06:32):
So is that okay with you?
So pay attention that timeboundaries goes to . When we
meet for how long we meet,and as long as we set this
expectation, then we caneither say, yes, it works for
us, or no it doesn't work.
Or we can negotiate andsay, well, you know what?
For us it's even five30 better than six.
Cause my youngest justis so tired by six 30.
(06:55):
So just to the point of.
, even when we set theboundary, it's still okay to
negotiate it again as longas you do it respectfully.
Also with your kids.
You know, , my child couldcome up and say, Hey mommy,
can I have another fiveminutes just to finish up
building this train track?
(07:16):
And I was like, okay,go ahead and do it.
And just know that you mightneed to have a shorter shower.
So again, also withyour kids, it's okay for
them to learn and to saythat's, that doesn't work.
Can we do something elseand come up with an.
negotiation skillsis so important.
(07:38):
, I think I might have awhole episode around that.
another thing that came up to mymind is, you know how you have
play date and then your kidscomes up and say, , I'm bored.
I wanna go home.
And you are having somuch fun with your friends
you're not up to leaving.
And so , another thingabout healthy boundaries,
that it has to be mutual.
(07:59):
The way you want yourkids to treat you.
It's the way you treat them.
so talking about respectfuland mutual relationship, you
could say, well, give me fiveor 10 more minutes to finish
up my discussion with myfriend, and then we can leave.
So let's put the timer.
By the way, I love using the.
(08:20):
and we will have an episodearound time management where
I'll give some deeper tipsaround how to use it and
implement using a timer.
And then the last point Iwant to mention is warning.
It's not only that we comeup and say, this is my time
boundary, but also once weset that time boundary and
(08:41):
we said, let's say now wehave 60 minutes to play, it's
crucial to come up and say,you've got 15 minutes before.
It's the end of play timeand we're moving towards,
you know, evening routine.
as much as you are.
Looking at your emails,scrolling Facebook, I don't
know, whatever you're doing andyour kids is coming and nagging
(09:03):
you to do something, and you arereally just wanting to finish
this email and send it over.
It's the same thing with yourkids, so be fair with them.
And give them that warning.
And also depends on their age.
Sometimes they needmore than one prompt.
They would need like the10 minutes prompt, then the
five minutes prompt, thenthe two minutes where you
(09:24):
actually help them move andtransition to the next activity.
Let's talk about whattime violation look like.
So first of all, not respectingwhen the kids wants to be alone.
This is, again, neutral.
So if your kids say, it'snot a good time for me
to talk about something,Then be respectful to that.
(09:47):
Another thing is when someoneis demanding too much of your
time, and here I do wannasay like, I know kids have
different personalities.
Some kids, they needso much attention.
Like they could play withyou two hours in a row and
you wouldn't be even ableto go to the restroom.
So in those cases, Iknow for myself that I am
(10:10):
setting the expectationand say, you know what?
We can have now a 20 minutesof a play and then I'll need
a five minute break to check.
I don't know my emails, so Iam setting those expectations.
Again, it's mutual.
If the kid is demanding too muchtime, I can also come up and
say, that's like 30 minutes.
(10:31):
Then we do five minutesbreak, and then we can go back
and play until six o'clock.
Another type of time, boundaryviolation is when you.
Ask from the kids todo some kind of task,
some kind of chore.
And let's say hedid it really fast.
Okay.
And then you say, okay,he cleaned up the table so
fast, then I can also askhim to now load the dishes.
(10:55):
So, I know that as achild, I was really the type
of , people pleaser, and I.
I fell into this category ofa kid that been asked to do
something, and then I did itso fast that I've been asked
to do another thing and anotherthing and I would do it.
So I'm just pointing that outto say, Be fair with your kids.
You know, if you ask onething and they did it, , give
(11:17):
them, the reward will be,they have more time to
do whatever they want.
And if you think that theycan do more the next time,
set different expectation.
But like, don't takeadvantage of your kids.
I guess that's what I wanna say.
And then last thing about timeboundary violation is when.
One is showing uplate or counseling.
(11:39):
And you know what?
as parent, and this canhappen a lot as parent, that
we over-committed to ourboss, to our colleague, to
our friend that just reallyneeds to talk to us now.
And somehow our own kids justbeing pushed away and were not.
Coming and talking to themand have the capacity
to listen to them.
(11:59):
So this is something thatI would highly recommend to
just take a moment and thinkto yourself, how much time
can you put your iPhone asideand really be present with
your kids and really show up?
Being in the moment, creatingthose magical moment, those
joyful moment, the onethat you want your kids to
(12:21):
remember being with you.
yes.
So basically just to wrap itup, today, we started talking
about boundaries in general.
We said that boundaries arenot, limitation and rule and
discipline, but to simply setthe expectation around yours
and your kids' needs and want.
(12:42):
When you do that, theoutcome is that you connect
and protect yourself.
And a question to ask yourselfis how much time do you want
to spend with your kids?
What's your time boundary Takingtime for yourself, being with
your spouse, working out?
How do you want to setthe schedule for the week?
(13:06):
If you need some supportto have some clarity around
that, I would love to bethere for you and listen and
make it even more actionable.
So in the show note,you can find link.
Where you can ask a questionand you can also find the
link to book a free 30 minutesession with me where we
can just start and dive intowhat is it that you want and
(13:29):
to have the clarity around.
So thank you so muchfor me for this episode.
. And as usual, treatyourself and your kids with
compassion and curiosity.
Bye.
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