July 26, 2023 • 12 mins
At what age should the concept of consequences be introduced?
How to use the "Budget Principle" as a consequence?
What are logical vs natural consequences?
What are the 5 key elements for effective consequences?
This episode covers one of the most important tools you can have as a parent, and I know you might confuse punishment with consequences, so, tune in and understand the difference otherwise, you won't know it (that's the consequence :-)).
Featured episodes:
#34 How to set boundaries for your child?
#30 "Your idea Is Stupid!" / How to set intellectual boundaries?
As a certified parent coach, I aim to help you set boundaries with compassion.
So grab your FREE Compassionate Parenting Guides now!
You can also:
- Join an ONLINE workshop
- Contact me
- Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and LinkedIn
- Learn how I can help you.
Remember to treat yourself and your children with compassion and curiosity. 🫶
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Hey, and welcome.
If you are a new listenersand welcome back to my loyal
listeners, I'm Tammy Afriatyour host, a parent coach
and a mother of three kiddos.
And I'm here to provideyou with some parenting
principles and practicalityso you can feel confidence
and joy as you parent.
And so today we want to addressthe consequence topic, but
(00:27):
If you didn't listen to howto set boundary, go ahead
and listen to the previousepisode, episode number
34, how to set boundaries.
I also want to mention thatcovering a topic in a single
About 10 minutes episode ishard, so I encourage you to
subscribe to the podcast andto sign up for the newsletters
(00:50):
so you can get the summaryof the episodes, some book
reviews, and free downloadsthat you can have handy and
use whenever you want and need.
Okay, so let's jumpinto consequence.
So consequence hasa bad reputation.
And I hope that by the endof this episode, you will
get the difference betweenconsequence and punishment.
(01:12):
And the very first thingI want to ask is why do
we even use consequence?
So with some kids, you set theboundary, you introduce the
boundary, you give them thereason, they get it, , and
the boundary is simply met.
And so generally speaking, Irecommend to start by stating
and setting the expectationaround boundary without
(01:34):
mentioning the consequence,showing some faith, as I
mentioned in previous episode,giving the chance to your child
to show that he listens and herespects what you're saying.
he gets that and he's doing it.
In the other hand,there are some kids.
They tend to push boundariesand there are more maybe
strong will and just reasoningis not enough for them.
(01:56):
And then for those kids,it's crucial to know what's
the consequence, to knowwhat's the outcome for their
behaviors or their words.
Also kids are just kids.
Their brain is notfully developed yet.
And sometimes they'resimply taking poor decision
because they don't havethe perspective taking yet.
(02:18):
And so in those scenario,we really want to help the
kids understand the impactof their choices we want to
bring the kids awareness ofwhat would be, for example,
the natural consequence ofgoing out without a raincoat.
Because they mightnot think about it.
. So, the purpose of consequenceis to help the kids
(02:40):
understanding the impact oftheir choices and and develop
a sense of responsibility.
And in terms of how earlydo set the boundary and
set the consequence, I wouldsay as early as possible
because, you know, if a babyis throwing a toy and you
(03:00):
just ignore it, you putit in place for them.
you reinforcing them probablyunconsciously, but they get that
there will be always someone toclean up the mess after them.
And so they don't get that theyneeded to take responsibility
and that there is.
actions.Okay, so let's dive in.
(03:24):
We have two kinds ofconsequences, the natural
consequence and thelogical consequence.
So natural consequencewill happen with or without
the parent interfering.
For example, as I mentionedbefore, if it's raining outside
and your kids chooses to gowithout an umbrella, without a
coat, most likely he'll get wet.
(03:45):
thing could be.
If the kid is not brushinghis teeth, you can say, then
you'll have a bad breathand your friends might not
want to get close to you.
Same goes with shower.
If you don't shower, you'll bestinky and you might have rush.
in some areas in your body sothe smart choice would
be to take a shower.
So those are some examplefor natural consequence.
(04:07):
Then comes thelogical consequence.
Logical consequence.
are deliberatlyestablished by the parent.
So the parent has thecontrol to frame what's the
consequence will look like.
For example if a kidis painting the wall,
you're going to ask them.
To clean up the wall becausethat's not acceptable
(04:30):
coloring the wall.
The option is to color Papers.
Another thing will be if theyspill something on the floor.
Again, if in your houseIt's important to live in an
organized and clean house Thenthe consequence of pouring,
even by mistake, somethingon the floor is simply to
clean it And then if it's atoddler, you might help them,
(04:50):
bring them, you know, papertowels, whatever they need.
But as they grow up, theycan go and get everything
and independently cleanwhatever was spilled.
Another example is, ifthey played with it.
Lego And you tell them,you know, when you leave it
not organized, wemight step on it.
And this is really hurtful.
So please go aheadand clean up the Lego.
(05:13):
And so the consequence of notcleaning the Lego, what I'm
always saying to my kiddos,if I have to clean the Lego,
then I get to choose, whendo I want to play with it?
And I'm putting itaway now until I feel
like, so for two days.
I'm going to put it away andnot play with it, and so do you.
also when it comes toconsequence, I always
mentor my Keto's to use theconsequence with the siblings.
(05:37):
You know, if One siblingcame and pushed the other
sibling, just trying toget his attention to play.
Then I would approach thekids that was pushed and ask
him, Why do you think yourbrother just pushed you?
And he would say, becausehe wanted to play with me.
And I would say, Anddid you feel comfortable
(05:57):
when he did that?
Obviously, theanswer will be no.
And then I say, okay, so letyour brother knows that if he
wants to play with you, he wouldcome and use his words and ask,
tell him, ask me, don't push me.
I don't like it.
And so I guide my kids andI'm trying to do it not from
a judgmental point of view,just from a point of view.
(06:18):
Meaning that.
The kids who was pushed canalso say if you're going to
push me, won't play with you.
So again, between thekids, they understand
how to use the concept ofconsequence to effectively
communicate between them.
Okay, so here are somekey element when it
(06:39):
comes to consequence.
The first will be tellthe consequence, introduce
the consequence before youactually implement that.
Also, when you introduce theconsequence, say it with no
anger or resentment attached.
Not in an impulsive way.
It's not like, oh, you spelledthis thing on the floor,
(07:01):
clean it up right away.
or , oh, you didn't put thisraincoat, you'll be soaking
wet and you'll get sick.
So first of all, you know,only stick to the truth.
The second thing would behas direct connection to
the behavior, meaning thatlet's say my kids took one
more candy, then he was.
(07:21):
Allowed to take theconsequence is not you're
not going to have screentime for the next two weeks.
Okay.
There is no Connectionbetween screen time and
getting an extra candyThe other thing is
the consequence hasto be in proportion.
to the behavior, meaningthat if, again, with the
candy example, if thechild took one more candy
(07:44):
than he was permitted, theconsequence is not, you're
not going to have any cookiesin the next two weeks.
What we like to do in our houseis actually use the budget idea,
which means that, for example,if there is two cookie per day
and the kids took three cookie,then the next day we'll take
off one cookie from his budgetand he'll get only one cookie.
(08:06):
So again, with screen time,it also, if they get 30
minutes a day and then oneday they did 45 minutes,
then the following day theyget only to have 15 minutes.
The point is that thereis a consequence, okay?
And when we're thinkingabout the proposal.
Of the consequences, asan adult, when you cross
(08:27):
red light, it's not thatyou're going to the jail.
So make theconsequence reasonable.
Use a scale, you know, becausewhen we tend to be so harsh
with the consequence, then ifthe behavior really gets worse
or more intense or there isan Increased with the frequency
of the behavior, we have noleverage to, you know, because
(08:51):
we used our strongest toolin our consequence bucket.
So that's the thing about thescale of, the consequence.
Okay, I bet you alreadyheard that, but I do want
to mention, be consistentwith your consequence.
So whenever the kid showerfor longer than, you
wouldn't read the books.
(09:12):
So be really consistent with theconsequence that you're setting.
And also I said thatbefore, I'm going to say
it again, prioritize.
Don't tackle all thethings that you want to
address in a single day.
Just pick the mostimportant one, work in it.
And then once it's kind ofsettled, it's a habit already.
They got it, then move on.
(09:33):
And then last thing is setand hold the boundary, meaning
come up with the consequencethat you can actually execute.
for example, if they watchtoo much screen time, and
you're going to say, Oh,for the next two days,
you're not going to have.
screen at all.
But then you know that youhave, I don't know, work, a
meeting you have to show upto, and you can't whatsoever
(09:54):
have someone interrupting youin the middle of the meeting,
or if that's a weekend, andyou know that you need for
your own self care, thisnoon Then just be intentional
with the consequence, makesure you can execute them.
So just to summer up, we havenatural consequence, things
that you cannot control.
(10:14):
Then you have logicalconsequence, which is
this thing that you aredeliberately established.
The key element for effectiveconsequence are introduce
the consequence before youactually implement that.
The consequence has tobe in direct connection
to the behavior.
The consequence also has to beproportional to the behavior,
(10:36):
be consistent with yourconsequence, and use consequence
that you can actually execute.
Last word, I hope thatby now you got the main
difference between punishmentand consequence lies in the
intention and the nature.
Punishment is oftenassociated with negative
approach, with impulsivereaction from the parent.
(10:59):
Many times there is nowarning and there is no,
potion to the behaviorwhere is in consequence.
There is a valuable learningexperience that helps your kids
to understand the relationshipbetween their action and
the resulting consequences.
And whenever you need tocome up with a consequence,
(11:20):
your focus should be onteaching your child's
responsibility, problem solving,and develop.
Effective communicationskills, . Okie dokie.
I hope that was helpful.
I am here always tohelp you individually.
So feel free to approach me.
And book your freesession with me.
(11:42):
The link is on the show note.
Also subscribe to thenewsletter, to get more
and more of those parentingtools and establish what kind
of parent you want to be.
, I'm going to take a vacationduring August, so I'll see you
back in September and until thentreat yourself and your kids
with compassion and curiosity.
(12:04):
Bye.
Hey, and welcome.
If you are a new listenersand welcome back to my loyal
listeners, I'm Tammy Afriatyour host, a parent coach
and a mother of three kiddos.
And I'm here to provideyou with some parenting
principles and practicalityso you can feel confidence
and joy as you parent.
And so today we want to addressthe consequence topic, but
(00:27):
If you didn't listen to howto set boundary, go ahead
and listen to the previousepisode, episode number
34, how to set boundaries.
I also want to mention thatcovering a topic in a single
About 10 minutes episode ishard, so I encourage you to
subscribe to the podcast andto sign up for the newsletters
(00:50):
so you can get the summaryof the episodes, some book
reviews, and free downloadsthat you can have handy and
use whenever you want and need.
Okay, so let's jumpinto consequence.
So consequence hasa bad reputation.
And I hope that by the endof this episode, you will
get the difference betweenconsequence and punishment.
(01:12):
And the very first thingI want to ask is why do
we even use consequence?
So with some kids, you set theboundary, you introduce the
boundary, you give them thereason, they get it, , and
the boundary is simply met.
And so generally speaking, Irecommend to start by stating
and setting the expectationaround boundary without
(01:34):
mentioning the consequence,showing some faith, as I
mentioned in previous episode,giving the chance to your child
to show that he listens and herespects what you're saying.
he gets that and he's doing it.
In the other hand,there are some kids.
They tend to push boundariesand there are more maybe
strong will and just reasoningis not enough for them.
(01:56):
And then for those kids,it's crucial to know what's
the consequence, to knowwhat's the outcome for their
behaviors or their words.
Also kids are just kids.
Their brain is notfully developed yet.
And sometimes they'resimply taking poor decision
because they don't havethe perspective taking yet.
(02:18):
And so in those scenario,we really want to help the
kids understand the impactof their choices we want to
bring the kids awareness ofwhat would be, for example,
the natural consequence ofgoing out without a raincoat.
Because they mightnot think about it.
. So, the purpose of consequenceis to help the kids
(02:40):
understanding the impact oftheir choices and and develop
a sense of responsibility.
And in terms of how earlydo set the boundary and
set the consequence, I wouldsay as early as possible
because, you know, if a babyis throwing a toy and you
(03:00):
just ignore it, you putit in place for them.
you reinforcing them probablyunconsciously, but they get that
there will be always someone toclean up the mess after them.
And so they don't get that theyneeded to take responsibility
and that there is.
actions.Okay, so let's dive in.
(03:24):
We have two kinds ofconsequences, the natural
consequence and thelogical consequence.
So natural consequencewill happen with or without
the parent interfering.
For example, as I mentionedbefore, if it's raining outside
and your kids chooses to gowithout an umbrella, without a
coat, most likely he'll get wet.
(03:45):
thing could be.
If the kid is not brushinghis teeth, you can say, then
you'll have a bad breathand your friends might not
want to get close to you.
Same goes with shower.
If you don't shower, you'll bestinky and you might have rush.
in some areas in your body sothe smart choice would
be to take a shower.
So those are some examplefor natural consequence.
(04:07):
Then comes thelogical consequence.
Logical consequence.
are deliberatlyestablished by the parent.
So the parent has thecontrol to frame what's the
consequence will look like.
For example if a kidis painting the wall,
you're going to ask them.
To clean up the wall becausethat's not acceptable
(04:30):
coloring the wall.
The option is to color Papers.
Another thing will be if theyspill something on the floor.
Again, if in your houseIt's important to live in an
organized and clean house Thenthe consequence of pouring,
even by mistake, somethingon the floor is simply to
clean it And then if it's atoddler, you might help them,
(04:50):
bring them, you know, papertowels, whatever they need.
But as they grow up, theycan go and get everything
and independently cleanwhatever was spilled.
Another example is, ifthey played with it.
Lego And you tell them,you know, when you leave it
not organized, wemight step on it.
And this is really hurtful.
So please go aheadand clean up the Lego.
(05:13):
And so the consequence of notcleaning the Lego, what I'm
always saying to my kiddos,if I have to clean the Lego,
then I get to choose, whendo I want to play with it?
And I'm putting itaway now until I feel
like, so for two days.
I'm going to put it away andnot play with it, and so do you.
also when it comes toconsequence, I always
mentor my Keto's to use theconsequence with the siblings.
(05:37):
You know, if One siblingcame and pushed the other
sibling, just trying toget his attention to play.
Then I would approach thekids that was pushed and ask
him, Why do you think yourbrother just pushed you?
And he would say, becausehe wanted to play with me.
And I would say, Anddid you feel comfortable
(05:57):
when he did that?
Obviously, theanswer will be no.
And then I say, okay, so letyour brother knows that if he
wants to play with you, he wouldcome and use his words and ask,
tell him, ask me, don't push me.
I don't like it.
And so I guide my kids andI'm trying to do it not from
a judgmental point of view,just from a point of view.
(06:18):
Meaning that.
The kids who was pushed canalso say if you're going to
push me, won't play with you.
So again, between thekids, they understand
how to use the concept ofconsequence to effectively
communicate between them.
Okay, so here are somekey element when it
(06:39):
comes to consequence.
The first will be tellthe consequence, introduce
the consequence before youactually implement that.
Also, when you introduce theconsequence, say it with no
anger or resentment attached.
Not in an impulsive way.
It's not like, oh, you spelledthis thing on the floor,
(07:01):
clean it up right away.
or , oh, you didn't put thisraincoat, you'll be soaking
wet and you'll get sick.
So first of all, you know,only stick to the truth.
The second thing would behas direct connection to
the behavior, meaning thatlet's say my kids took one
more candy, then he was.
(07:21):
Allowed to take theconsequence is not you're
not going to have screentime for the next two weeks.
Okay.
There is no Connectionbetween screen time and
getting an extra candyThe other thing is
the consequence hasto be in proportion.
to the behavior, meaningthat if, again, with the
candy example, if thechild took one more candy
(07:44):
than he was permitted, theconsequence is not, you're
not going to have any cookiesin the next two weeks.
What we like to do in our houseis actually use the budget idea,
which means that, for example,if there is two cookie per day
and the kids took three cookie,then the next day we'll take
off one cookie from his budgetand he'll get only one cookie.
(08:06):
So again, with screen time,it also, if they get 30
minutes a day and then oneday they did 45 minutes,
then the following day theyget only to have 15 minutes.
The point is that thereis a consequence, okay?
And when we're thinkingabout the proposal.
Of the consequences, asan adult, when you cross
(08:27):
red light, it's not thatyou're going to the jail.
So make theconsequence reasonable.
Use a scale, you know, becausewhen we tend to be so harsh
with the consequence, then ifthe behavior really gets worse
or more intense or there isan Increased with the frequency
of the behavior, we have noleverage to, you know, because
(08:51):
we used our strongest toolin our consequence bucket.
So that's the thing about thescale of, the consequence.
Okay, I bet you alreadyheard that, but I do want
to mention, be consistentwith your consequence.
So whenever the kid showerfor longer than, you
wouldn't read the books.
(09:12):
So be really consistent with theconsequence that you're setting.
And also I said thatbefore, I'm going to say
it again, prioritize.
Don't tackle all thethings that you want to
address in a single day.
Just pick the mostimportant one, work in it.
And then once it's kind ofsettled, it's a habit already.
They got it, then move on.
(09:33):
And then last thing is setand hold the boundary, meaning
come up with the consequencethat you can actually execute.
for example, if they watchtoo much screen time, and
you're going to say, Oh,for the next two days,
you're not going to have.
screen at all.
But then you know that youhave, I don't know, work, a
meeting you have to show upto, and you can't whatsoever
(09:54):
have someone interrupting youin the middle of the meeting,
or if that's a weekend, andyou know that you need for
your own self care, thisnoon Then just be intentional
with the consequence, makesure you can execute them.
So just to summer up, we havenatural consequence, things
that you cannot control.
(10:14):
Then you have logicalconsequence, which is
this thing that you aredeliberately established.
The key element for effectiveconsequence are introduce
the consequence before youactually implement that.
The consequence has tobe in direct connection
to the behavior.
The consequence also has to beproportional to the behavior,
(10:36):
be consistent with yourconsequence, and use consequence
that you can actually execute.
Last word, I hope thatby now you got the main
difference between punishmentand consequence lies in the
intention and the nature.
Punishment is oftenassociated with negative
approach, with impulsivereaction from the parent.
(10:59):
Many times there is nowarning and there is no,
potion to the behaviorwhere is in consequence.
There is a valuable learningexperience that helps your kids
to understand the relationshipbetween their action and
the resulting consequences.
And whenever you need tocome up with a consequence,
(11:20):
your focus should be onteaching your child's
responsibility, problem solving,and develop.
Effective communicationskills, . Okie dokie.
I hope that was helpful.
I am here always tohelp you individually.
So feel free to approach me.
And book your freesession with me.
(11:42):
The link is on the show note.
Also subscribe to thenewsletter, to get more
and more of those parentingtools and establish what kind
of parent you want to be.
, I'm going to take a vacationduring August, so I'll see you
back in September and until thentreat yourself and your kids
with compassion and curiosity.
(12:04):
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.