Confidence Rehab for Recovering People-Pleasers

Have you ever silenced your own voice? 

Perhaps you've written down a brilliant idea, underlined it twice, but kept quiet because "they've probably already thought of this" or "I don't want to seem pushy"? 

That sinking feeling afterward isn't just disappointment—it's the awareness that you've abandoned yourself again.

True confidence isn't about power suits or perfect Instagram feeds. It's about refusing to silence the truth you already know. 

For recovering people-pleasers, confidence got buried under layers of approval-seeking behaviour, not because it disappeared, but because somewhere along the line, you learned that being agreeable was safer than being authentic. 

The good news? What's learned can be unlearned.

This episode dismantles the myths keeping you small: that confident people never doubt themselves (everyone does—confidence is moving forward anyway), that you must be loud to be confident (quiet confidence is incredibly powerful), and that confidence belongs to others, not you (it's both innate and a skill you can build). 

You'll discover practical tools to reclaim your confidence: revolutionizing your self-talk, making micro-brave moves daily, collecting evidence of your courage, and finding your confidence anthem. 

Because confidence isn't about becoming someone new—it's about remembering who you were before the world convinced you to play small.

Ready to stop shrinking and start shining? Look in the mirror today and say: "I don't have to be perfect to be powerful." 

Then do one tiny brave thing. 

That's how the fire starts. 

Take a screenshot of this episode, tag me @most_stephinately, and write "My confidence isn't loud, it's mine." Let's build a world of kind, sassy, generous humans who are confident because of who they are, not in spite of it.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hey, hey, you're listening to Pocketful of Mojo,
the podcast that helps you findyour fire, fuel your focus and
live fully charged.
And I'm your host, steph theMojo Maven.
I'm that friend that you cantalk to about your feelings, and
if you're here to drop theguilt, ditch the pressure and
take up space that you arealways meant to own, you are

(00:33):
exactly where you're meant to be.
Let's go get our mojo back andget tuned in, tapped in and
turned on.
Okay, deep breath, wide stance,hands on hips, shoulders back.

(00:57):
Today we're talking aboutconfidence, darling, but not the
cheesy kind, Not the overhyped,glossy Instagram version with
the power suit and the perfectlife.
I'm talking about the realstuff, the kind of confidence
that feels like coming home toyourself and really like
embodying all that you know tobe true and to get us there.
I want to start with a story.

(01:18):
It's a quick one, but it wasmany years ago and I was sitting
in a meeting surrounded bybrilliant, loud, successful,
fast-talking people, and I hadthis idea, and it was a good one
, and I even wrote down thisgood idea in my notepad and I
underlined it twice, but itdidn't speak up Because there

(01:41):
was this voice in my head thatkept telling me that they've
probably already thought of thisand it's not that important and
I don't want to come off aspushy.
So I stayed quiet and I smiledand I nodded and I left that
room carrying this sinkingfeeling that I'd abandoned
myself again and it was as ifthe voice in my head had turned

(02:03):
into a disappointed teacher andI was being lectured by someone
that I totally let down and Ihad I'd let down myself and that
was one of many moments thattaught me that confidence isn't
about saying the right thing,it's about not silencing the
truth that you already know.

(02:24):
So let's talk about thatfeeling, because maybe you know
that feeling too.
Lacking confidence feels likebeing stuck inside yourself and
you're like watching life happenbehind this glass wall.
It's like you want to speak butthe words get like tangled and
trapped in your throat and youwant to be seen, but their

(02:47):
visibility also kind of feelsvulnerable and it feels like
exposure and you want to take upspace.
You want to be that person, butyou're afraid of being too much
or even not enough.
I know I can tell my confidenceis low when I start second
guessing every decision orreplaying conversations in my

(03:08):
head like a highlight reel ofregret.
It's needing five people tosign off on something that your
gut already told you.
It's walking into a room andimmediately scanning for what to
fix or what to adjust aboutyourself and all the old tropes.
You know you say yes when youmean no.
You shrink even when you'rebursting with ideas.

(03:29):
And then the old Canadianstandby you apologize for things
that aren't your fault, just tokeep the peace.
And the worst part you knowthere's more in you, but the
fear of rejection or the gettingit wrong.
It just builds this wallbetween who you are and who you
think you're allowed to be.

(03:52):
Why do we feel this way?
Well, because somewhere alongthe line you were taught that
being agreeable was safer thanbeing you, than being authentic,
and you learned that beingliked meant staying small and
staying out of the way.
Add a dash of being praised forbeing easygoing or helpful or

(04:14):
accommodating, and then punished, even subtly, for being bold or
honest or difficult.
Your confidence didn'tdisappear.
It got buried under layers ofapproval-seeking self-doubt and
learned survival habits.
So let's look at these mythsthat keep us stuck.

(04:35):
Let's break down the bullshitthat we've been fed all this
time, because myth number one isthat confident people never
doubt themselves.
I call bullshit because thetruth is is that everyone doubts
themselves and confidence it'sjust the decision to move anyway
.
Some call it DeLulu.
And then there's myth numbertwo you have to be loud to be

(04:59):
confident, or confident peopleare loud.
If that doesn't resonate withlike who you see yourself to be,
that could make you kind ofwant to avoid behaving with
confidence.
But the truth here is is thatthat is also bullshit, because
quiet confidence is superpowerful.
It's the I know who I am,energy that doesn't need

(05:22):
approval.
And then the third myth is thatconfidence it's for other
people, it's for the extroverts,it's for the brave people, it's
for the born leaders.
Again, I'm going to have tocall bullshit because the truth
is is that confidence going tohave to call bullshit?
Because the truth is, is thatconfidence it's not a
personality trait, we're allborn with it and it's also a
skill and you can build it.

(05:43):
Because here's the good newswhat's learned?
Like our people, pleasingbehavior and our need for
approval from others.
That can be unlearned.
And your confidence, it's notgone, it's just waiting for
permission to come home.
And just like you learned to besmall before you knew what was
going on.
Now that you do know what'sgoing on, you can learn to be

(06:05):
confident.
So, on this podcast, we comehere to be practical.
So let's look at some tools tobuild confidence.
You ready, let's get into somemojo tested people, pleaser
approved tools.
So, number one you need to talkto yourself like someone that
you love, like, love, love.

(06:25):
And you can start from whereyou are.
And it doesn't have to go fromzero to 60 right away, like when
I was in deep people pleasingmode.
My inner voice was brutal.
Every time I messed up I waslike, oh, you're such an idiot
and why would you say that?
And oh, you're too much.
And oh, come on, you're notenough.

(06:45):
And then one day someone I wasin this workshop and we were
talking about self-talk and thequestion was asked if you were
to look at those examples oflike you're such an idiot and
why would you say that?
How would you feel if your bestfriend spoke to you that way?
I was like I would feelterrible.
And then they asked would youever speak to your best friend

(07:08):
like this?
And I was like hell, no.
So I started to rewrite thatscript.
I started to pay way moreattention.
Write that script, I started topay way more attention.
So now, when that inner criticshows up, or my inner saboteur,
whom I have named Charlotte andshe's a dick, I counter her with
kindness, I take her stupidwords and I speak to myself

(07:30):
kindly and I remind myself tokeep going.
So the mojo move here is tocatch one negative thought today
, flip it into something kind,even if you don't believe it yet
.
Yet is the key here.
But dialing up that awarenessand practicing that language and
finding your language of howyou want to talk to you.

(07:51):
I can't do that for you andthat will help you with our
second practical tool, which ismake your brave moves.
Micro-brave moves, like don'twait for the big stage moment to
feel confident.
You can build it in the tinythings Sending that email you've
been putting off, wearing theoutfit that makes you feel a

(08:13):
little extra, saying no withouta whole essay after, or just
speaking your truth, even ifyour voice is going to shake,
because confidence builds likereps at the gym.
Every micro brave move you take, that's one more drop of.
I've got this, which reallyhelps fuel the third tool, which

(08:34):
is collect your receipts.
I want you to start a runninglist called damn, I did that.
Like every time you dosomething brave or honest or
just plain hard, write it downand then, when doubt creeps in
or you're faced with somethingyou really don't want to do,
that's going to call on some ofthat courage.
You can pull that list out andremind yourself you've been

(08:57):
building confidence all along.
Now you just have to claim it.
And for number four this is apersonal one from me to you I
want you to find your anthem.
Music can be so powerful, I know.
For me, there are just certainsongs that just get me so hyped
and help me tap into my innerbadass, like Chaka Khan, I'm

(09:20):
Every Woman.
There's this band, jungle, Ireally love and their song like
Would you Know About Me?
I just feel like get me arunway.
I've got this, I've got a capeand wings and like feel
unstoppable.
And these songs, and like somany other ones, they just fill
my veins with this, like bold,strong, empowered energy, and it

(09:42):
just helps me remember that allthis power and strength are
always there, just waiting to becalled on, and I use these
songs in my every day, or beforeI go on a date, or before a
presentation and, yeah, evenbefore recording these podcasts,
ooh, maybe I should make a mojoplaylist for you guys.
Would you be into it?

(10:02):
Make sure you reach out and letme know.
And if you have some anthemsthat get you in the groove, make
sure you share them with me,because we can build the best
playlist ever.
Okay, well, let's continue,because I'm just really want to
remind you that confidence isn'tloud, it's not bossy and it's
also not bulletproof.

(10:23):
Confidence is in the knowingand in the saying to yourself
I'm not going to abandon myselftoday and I can trust my gut,
and I don't need everyone tolike me.
I need to like me.
Everything else is, at most,secondary and for recovering
people pleasers, that shift iseverything, because confidence

(10:47):
isn't about becoming someone new.
It's about remembering who youwere before the world convinced
you to play small and lovingevery bit of it and really
stepping into it and owning itunapologetically.
So your mojo move for today isto look into the mirror today

(11:07):
and say I don't have to beperfect to be powerful, and say
it like you're telling the truth, because you are.
Then go do one tiny brave thingtoday.
One action, one moment, onespark that's how the fire starts
.
So if this episode hit home,let's make it viral.

(11:28):
I want you to take a screenshot, tag me at most definitely and
write my confidence isn't loud,it's mine, fuck.
Is there anything moreempowering than that?
That's confidence, baby.
And then send this to someonewho's been hiding their power,
someone who deserves to stopshrinking and really start

(11:51):
shining.
Let's build a world of kind,sassy, generous humans who are
confident because of who theyare and not in spite of it.
So to sign off, you don't haveto do more.
To be more, you just need tocome home to yourself and just
like that, you've got your veryown pocketful of mojo.

(12:12):
So remember, friends, don'tshrink.
Don't you settle?
Take up some space and staysparkly.
I love you.
Ciao, for now, mwah.