December 4, 2025 • 29 mins
Ever felt your mouth say yes while your gut screams no? We’re digging into why confrontation feels like danger to your nervous system, how people-pleasing sneaks in through well-meaning “niceness,” and the simple shifts that turn boundary-setting into an act of self-respect. With plain language and a little humor, we unpack the brain science behind fear, show you how the amygdala hijack works, and explain why your prefrontal cortex is your ally when you speak up—even if your hands shake.
You’ll hear a relatable workplace story that proves saying no doesn’t end your career, it clarifies your value. We break down three sticky myths—“confrontation is mean,” “I’ll be rejected,” and “I must be liked”—and replace them with solid truths that actually hold under pressure. We also zoom out to the cultural layer: how gendered conditioning trained many women to equate compliance with safety, and why reclaiming audacity now is both personal growth and quiet revolution. Assertiveness doesn’t need to be loud; it can be steady, kind, and unmistakably clear.
Then we get practical. You’ll get a four-step framework for low-drama conflict, examples for low-stakes practice reps, reframes that calm your body, and mantras that anchor a stronger self-image. We map the hidden costs of staying small—emotional leaks, weaker relationships, stalled opportunities, and fragile worth—and show the payoff of speaking up: clean energy, better outcomes, and confidence that sticks. Ready to shrink less and say more? Hit play, subscribe for weekly mojo, and share this with someone who’s ready to trade people-pleasing for power. Your voice matters—where will you use it first?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:11):
Hey gorgeous, welcome back to Pocket Full of
Mojo, the podcast, where we swapself-doubt for self-love, and we
ditch that people pleasing forself-believing and tune into our
natural born awesomeness.
I'm Steph, your favorite mojomaven, and I'm just gonna jump
right in.
(00:31):
Can I be real with you, firstdeck?
I see you over there, out in thebig bad world, nodding like a
bobblehead, smiling, agreeing.
But I can tell when there's alittle voice inside you
screaming, wait, I don'tactually want this.
I see you juggling everyoneelse's feelings, always keeping
(00:51):
the peace, always making sureeveryone's okay, and yet, here's
the kicker.
You're scared of confrontationlike it's some kind of boogeyman
under your bed.
And I get it, you know,confrontation.
Ew, gross, awkward,uncomfortable, even terrifying,
especially if you're arecovering people pleaser like
me.
But here's the T.
(01:12):
Avoiding it, it's not cute.
It's actually really costly.
And it's chipping away at yourself-image, your sense of worth,
and it keeps you small in aworld that is begging for your
full, unapologetic, and fabulouspresence.
So today, we're breaking downconfrontation.
(01:32):
We're looking at the myths, thebrain stuff, the actual how-to
so that you can show up boldlywithout feeling like a total
jerk.
Because I don't know if you'venoticed, but we have enough of
those.
So I promise that by the endyou're gonna feel like, okay, I
can do this, and maybe evendeserve to.
(01:53):
Exciting, right?
So buckle up, buttercup, you'rein for the ride.
So let's get tuned in, tappedin, and turned on.
So picture this.
My friend Lisa.
She calls me.
(02:13):
She frantic.
Like she had to tell her bossthat she couldn't take on
another project.
Dun dun dun.
Now, Lisa had built up thisreputation at work of being the
go-to gal.
You know the one.
Maybe you're that person at worktoo.
Lord knows I was.
You know the kind.
Reliable, agreeable, teamplayer, gold star collector,
(02:37):
extraordinaire.
But Lisa, she found herself at abreaking point.
She had already said yes tocovering her colleague's
workload while she was on MatLeave, and she was leading a new
program launch with strictdeadlines, and she was
mid-remodel of her house.
So all of her downtime wasactually taking a lot of her
(02:57):
energy when she was out of theoffice.
So now she had to say no.
And she was like literallysweating bullets, pacing, and
even practicing what she wantedto say in the car on the way to
work.
What are the right words?
How do I explain that I can'tmake this happen?
I've never had to do thatbefore.
What if I do it?
What if I don't do it?
(03:18):
What if they ever offer meanother shot at the next project
that comes along?
So we talked about it.
We highlighted the fact thatthere is literally no more room
in her agenda for more tasks.
And we put together some talkingpoints for her to bring up with
her boss.
And guess what?
She did it, and it was fine.
(03:40):
Like not earth-shattering, notcatastrophic, just like normal,
fine.
Because here's the thing (03:46):
people pleasers like us, we are
hardwired to avoid conflictbecause our brains literally
hate it.
And the nerdy nerdy neurosciencealert, when you anticipate
confrontation, your amygdala, sothat part of your brain that's
basically the smoke detector forthreats, oh yeah, she light up
(04:07):
like a Christmas tree.
Heart races, sweaty palms,stomach and knots, the whole
deal.
It's like your brain isscreaming, danger, danger.
So what do we do?
We throw ourselves anexistential lifesaver to get out
of the choppy waters.
So we say yes and we shrink andwe apologize for wanting what we
(04:29):
want.
And we think if I avoid this,everyone will like me and I'll
be safe.
But here's the kicker, myfriend.
Avoiding confrontation does notkeep you safe.
It keeps you small.
And there's another few mythsfloating around out there that
are just complete nonsense.
And we're gonna tackle thosetoday.
Like confrontation is mean.
(04:51):
Nope.
Confrontation is just clarifyingyour boundaries.
Myth number two, people willreject me if I speak up.
Really?
Really, bitch.
Actually, people respecthonesty.
And self-respect is magnetic,and despite what you may have
been told or made up in yourbrain, people want to know what
(05:11):
you actually think.
Because the third myth is linkedto that.
It's that I need to be liked.
Oh honey.
Why would you want everyone tolike you?
You don't even like everyone.
So what gives?
Being respected, that issustainable.
And at the end of the day, youneed to like you.
(05:32):
And the fastest way to get thereis to treat yourself with some
respect.
And speaking up is a part ofthat.
So let's talk about this myththat confrontation is being
mean.
Like, where does that even comefrom?
Well, you know, a lot of it issocial programming.
From the time we were little,most of us were taught be nice,
(05:53):
don't hurt anyone's feelings,share, don't argue.
And like basically, we'retrained to value harmony over
honesty and to prioritize otherpeople's comfort above our own.
Like it's our responsibility.
And honestly, that's notinherently bad.
Like politeness and empathy andcompromise, these are wonderful
(06:18):
human skills.
Love them.
Five stars.
But here's the problem.
When you never learn to assertyourself, then being nice
becomes a straitjacket.
All buckles, no pockets, notcute.
What I'm saying is, is that thisisn't an either or situation.
(06:39):
You don't have to choose betweenbeing polite and nice and
considerate or faceconfrontation.
They are not mutually exclusive.
Both can be true.
So let's unpack that a littlebit more.
Here's what we know your brain,she loves some predictability.
And when you keep the peace,your amygdala doesn't have to
(07:00):
fire off the alarms.
You're staying in that safezone.
But the second you think aboutsaying, no, I don't want this,
or this isn't okay with me, yourbrain thinks that you're
signaling danger.
Suddenly confrontation feelslike a threat, even if it's
completely rational.
(07:21):
And whether you're putting inyour two cents on where to eat
or challenging an idea that youknow just won't fly in the
boardroom, your limiting beliefsare going to try to keep you
stuck and keep you small.
So let's tap into what happenswhen you're confronted with
confrontation.
So there you are, staring downsome confrontation.
(07:43):
Cue the limiting beliefs, right?
Your brain immediately is gonnasend you some crazy nonsense and
it happens to the best of us.
Maybe for you it sounds likethis.
If I speak up, I'm being mean.
Well, this is classicpeople-pleaser thinking.
But here's the truth.
Saying what you feel isn't mean,it's clear communication.
(08:04):
If someone feels hurt, well,that's kind of their
responsibility, not yours, ifyou said it in a respectful way,
right?
Or another bit of nonsense thatI hear often.
I'm supposed to keep everyonehappy.
Nope.
You're not a happiness vendingmachine.
Your job is to honor your needsand boundaries and everyone
(08:26):
else's feelings, yeah, they canmanage those for themselves.
Or maybe you're like, if Idisagree, I'll be rejected or
unloved.
Listen, your self-worth isn'tconditional on everyone agreeing
with you.
Your worthiness is not built bycommittee.
And here's a little secret.
People who respect themselvesand others at the same time,
(08:50):
they get more authentic respectand connection.
And isn't that the goal here?
To be more you?
And then there's the old tropethat my feelings are less
important than theirs.
Yeah.
According to whom?
Like now this one might sting alittle bit at first, but I'm
holding your hand and sayingthis with love.
Every time you suppress yourvoice to avoid confrontation,
(09:15):
your entire self-image takes ahit.
What you're doing when you saythat is you're literally
teaching your brain that yourneeds don't matter.
And that erodes your sense ofworth.
And that's on you.
And despite what your trainedbrain is telling you, your needs
matter.
So this is the part where youstop letting Debbie down or
(09:38):
drive the bus, and instead,we're gonna give the keys to
confrontation Carol.
Not to be confused with crappyKaren, she's a whole other
beast, and she ain't invited tothe party.
And you're like, okay, Steph,this is all good in theory, but
why does saying how I feel feelso awkward?
Well, like anything, it'sawkward because it is
(10:00):
unfamiliar.
And I know as adults, we cansometimes feel disoriented when
we're doing something for thefirst time because we're adults.
We're supposed to have this allfigured out by now, right?
Well, maybe.
If your default mode has beenagreeing and shrinking and
apologizing, and I bet you'resuper good at it, how's that
(10:21):
working out?
So now you're literally rewiringyour brain when you speak up.
Your prefrontal cortex islearning new neural pathways,
and it's like, oh, I can handleexpressing some discomfort, and
I'm not gonna die.
I know.
Wild, right?
And the more you practice, theless your brain is going to
(10:43):
equate confrontation withdanger.
And the more your self-image isgonna grow and blossom, and
you're gonna start to feel like,yeah, I am okay.
I am enough, and dang, my voicedoes matter, and it do take some
time, but you'll get there.
So let's keep going.
Now I want to get a little spicyhere because confrontation is
(11:05):
awkward for everyone, sure.
But for us women, hmm, honey, itcomes with an extra layer of
historical seasoning.
Because from the time we werelittle, society is has started
to train us to be nice andpolite and agreeable, sugar and
spice and all things nice,right?
The old you should smile more,say thank you, don't rock the
(11:30):
boat.
And if we do assert ourselves,well, suddenly we're labeled as
bossy or mean or aggressive.
Or maybe they bypass thoseeuphemisms altogether and just
call you a straight up bitch.
Yeah, it's been happeningforever.
Meanwhile, the boys down thestreet, oh, they're being
cheered for their audacity andtheir boldness and how fearless.
(11:53):
And history basically handedthem a VIP pass to being
assertive, well, we're on thiswait list.
And by that I mean not eveninvited to the party.
And let's be honest, audacityhas been perfected by men for
centuries.
They raise their hands, theytake the spotlight, they demand
what they want, and society,well, they just clap on.
(12:16):
Meanwhile, we internalize.
Well, if I say what I want, thenI'll upset someone and I'll be
rejected and I'll be seen asmean.
And these are the stories we'vebeen told.
But good news, Magoo.
Here's the magic part.
We are currently outgrowing thatcultural programming.
(12:37):
That internalized misogyny,yeah, she's slowly unraveling.
And yes, that means thatconfrontation feels awkward
because we're rewriting therules that we've been living
under our whole lives.
And we're doing things that mostof our mothers could never have
even dreamed of.
We are learning all these rulesare actually made up and
(13:01):
designed to keep us small and toshelter our power and to quiet
our wisdom and to keep ourinherent magic tucked away just
nicely in the dark.
Think about it.
Every time you pause beforespeaking up, every time you
debate, saying no, your body andyour brain are still following
(13:21):
that old programming, which iswhy your heart races and your
palms sweat and your amygdala isscreaming, danger.
All the while your prefrontalcortex is trying to remind you,
girl, you're allowed to existfully in your power, regardless
of whether or not you sit downto pee.
And for a little extra sizzle,you know that awkwardness?
(13:43):
It's literally your couragetrying on stilettos for the
first time.
Uncomfortable?
Yeah.
Awkward?
Maybe a little bit, but fierce?
Abso fucking lootly.
Because Audacity isn't a men'sclub anymore.
So grab a mimosa and claim yourseat at the table.
That's what we're here to dotoday.
(14:04):
And this is why normalizinghealthy confrontation is so
important.
We're in this cultural shift.
And women are claiming space inthe workplace, which we're
subsequently ruining,apparently, if you ask the New
York Times.
But we're changing the dynamicsof relationships, of families,
of social circles.
And here's the thing (14:25):
if we don't normalize healthy
confrontation, no one else isgonna.
So we are now the stewards ofself-strength and personal
authority.
And we all have a role in this.
And let's drop some of thesetruth bombs.
Like you don't have to mimic mento be audacious.
(14:48):
You just have to borrow thataudacity that they perfected and
add all the brilliance andempathy and intuition that women
bring to the table.
And that's a power combo thatcannot be ignored.
And that's a revolution that Iknow all of us want to be a part
of.
Because while men perfectedboldness, women perfected
(15:09):
strategy, emotionalintelligence, and integrity.
And assertiveness doesn't haveto look loud or aggressive.
It can be clever and confidentand untouchable.
And healthy confrontation is thenew feminine superpower.
So let's make it sexy.
So here are some practicaltakeaways for you, my darling,
(15:30):
lovely listener.
So when we're confronted withconfrontation, we're gonna
follow these four steps.
Number one, we're gonna name itout loud.
When we find ourselves face toface in a situation where we
need to step up and step in, wejust gotta say, I feel nervous
about this conversation and callit what it is.
Because when we acknowledge ourold programming, it really helps
(15:54):
to calm that nervous system.
And you're not gonna spiral whenyou know where you stand, even
if the water is murky.
And then number two, we startsmall.
We correct a minor understandinguntil we get good at it.
We're gonna ask for what we wantin a low-stakes situation.
Like if somebody wants sushi andyou want cheeseburgers, just say
(16:16):
no.
I want a cheeseburger.
No harm, no foul.
But practice using your voice.
And number three is to reframeconfrontation because it's not
mean, it's self-respect inaction.
This is you advocating for you.
No one else is gonna do it, andyou're gonna thank yourself for
(16:37):
it later.
Which takes us to number four.
Remind yourself every time youspeak up, you are rewiring
centuries of culturalconditioning and stepping fully
into your power.
How fucking cool is that?
That deserves some celebration,and we know celebration stacks
that evidence that our brainlikes so that this becomes our
(17:00):
new normal.
And if you want a mantra toanchor your courage, say to
yourself, I don't have to shrinkto be liked.
I can speak my truth and stillbe radiant, respected, and
unapologetically me.
And that's a mantra that fitsevery time.
So let's reframe thatconfrontation.
It's not mean, it's just honest.
(17:22):
Because here's the magic shift.
Confrontation isn't a personalattack, despite what we've been
told.
Confrontation is settingboundaries, it's speaking your
truth, it's asking for clarity.
And when you adopt this mindset,confrontation stops being a bad
thing.
It becomes an act ofself-respect.
(17:43):
And self-respect, well, that'sdirectly tied to your worthiness
and your self-image.
So let's go deeper and tie thisto your self-image.
Because when you avoidconfrontation, what are you
really saying to yourself?
You're saying my feelings don'tmatter.
You're saying other people'scomfort is more important than
my own.
(18:03):
And you're okay with that?
Hmm.
Interesting.
Now for a second, I want you toimagine someone else saying this
to you.
They come up to you and theysay, you know what, Judy, your
feelings don't matter.
And my comfort is more importantthan yours.
That sounds ridiculous.
You'd want to stop them rightthere and say, hey man, that's
(18:24):
not true.
And you'd be right.
So let's stop saying things likethis to ourselves because of all
the things in this life that areout of our control, what you say
to yourself is 1000% your call.
So make sure that that script isreflecting your awesomeness
appropriately, okay, my friend?
Okay, I'm glad we cleared thatup.
(18:46):
Because every time you shrink,you're sending your brain and
the world the message that I'mnot enough as I am.
Ouch.
So this is the perfect time todip into the empowering part.
Speaking up.
Even awkwardly, even fearfully.
It all rewires your brain.
(19:07):
And the neuroscience says thatwhen you assert yourself, your
prefrontal cortex, the part ofyour brain that's responsible
for executive function anddecision making, well, she
lights up like a Christmas tree,too.
Making your ability to act inalignment with your values, it
makes it stronger and moreaccessible.
And bit by bit, that becomesyour go-to.
(19:30):
So what does all that mean?
It means the more that youpractice standing up, the more
your brain gets used to youbeing okay with being okay.
And your self-image, boom, shegrows.
Your worth, unshakeable, and youcan do this with all the manners
and the politeness and trademarkadorability that you are known
(19:53):
for.
No meanies in sight.
Because mojo isn't abouttransforming, it's about
revealing all that you reallyare, remembering all that you
are as a whole, worthy,important, and generally
fabulous human.
So it's time to show all theparts.
And confrontation is part ofthat.
(20:14):
It's not the enemy.
The enemy is shrinking to makeeveryone else comfortable.
And if you don't believe me, Iwant to talk about the cost of
staying small, of outsourcingyour power.
Because, Bestie, it's time toget real about the dark side of
people pleasing.
Because we've talked about whyconfrontation feels awkward and
(20:35):
how society has trained us toprioritize everyone else's
comfort before our own.
But what happens when you dothat all the time?
When you keep shrinking, whenyou keep outsourcing your power
just to keep the peace.
Because in the moment, shrinkingfor comfort feels safe, but it's
actually the quietest form ofself-sabotage.
(20:57):
Because staying small, it's notsafe.
It's actually really costly.
And I'm not just talking aboutmissing out on that promotion or
letting someone cut in front ofyou in line.
I'm talking about your life,your energy, your self-worth,
your very sense of who you are.
Find a topic more important thanthat.
I'll wait.
(21:21):
In the meantime, these are thetop four ways that you're paying
too much for calm waters.
Number one, well, it's theemotional and the mental cost.
Every time you avoidconfrontation, your feelings get
buried.
Anger, frustration,disappointment, desire, they all
(21:41):
get shoved into a box.
And what do boxes do over time?
Bitch, they leak.
They leak anxiety and stress andresentment and
passive-aggressive patterns andsleepless nights, replaying
conversations that neverhappened, but maybe you wish
they did.
Stress-filled showers where youreplay moments on repeat of all
(22:03):
the times you should have saidsomething, but you took the easy
way out.
And then your brain also learnsa dangerous lesson.
It learns my needs don't matter,my voice doesn't matter.
This is literally training yournervous system to shrink.
And your self-image, oof, everyyes that wasn't yours chips away
(22:24):
at the truth that you are enoughjust as you are.
And this can ripple into numbertwo, which is the relationship
cost.
Because ironically, avoidingconfrontation hurts your
relationships.
Because when you don't speak up,people don't know who you really
are.
They only know the version ofyou that says, yes, that
(22:47):
accommodates, that numbs yourneeds for theirs.
And that's a slippery slope.
Because then they may take moreand expect more and even
unconsciously disrespect yourboundaries because you never
defined them.
And healthy confrontation isactually relationship insurance.
It's how you teach people how totreat you without resentment or
(23:11):
drama.
Now the third tax that comes inis the career and the
opportunity cost.
And this one hits hard forambitious, capable women.
Because saying yes to everythingmay keep people happy in the
short term, but it steals yourtime, your focus, and your
energy.
(23:31):
And what, you got so much ofthat going on?
No, you don't.
And then your big ideas getdelayed, and then your voice
doesn't get heard, and then yourleadership potential, it's
undermined.
And when you outsource yourpower to avoid conflict, you're
telling the world, I'm notallowed to take up space.
And unfortunately, the world hasa way of believing you.
(23:54):
And if all of this goes on foreven a little too long, we hit
number four.
The spiritual and the self-worthcost.
And this one's a kicker becausethe biggest price of staying
small isn't external, it isinternal.
Every time you suppress yourtruth, you're teaching yourself
that your feelings, yourdesires, your dreams, your
(24:17):
boundaries, it's all optional.
They don't really matter.
And when that becomes a habit,self-doubt sneaks in, imposter
syndrome settles in, and yourconnection to your worthiness,
it's fragile at best.
And you end up living a lifedesigned by everyone else's
(24:37):
comfort zone and not your own.
And sweetie, that's not living.
That's exhausting.
So here's the empowering flipside.
Because there is good news here,and that's that confrontation
does not have to feel like ahurricane.
Like, what if I told you thatit's actually the pathway back
(24:59):
to your power?
That every time you practicespeaking up, you reclaim some
space, you take back someenergy, you get a little bit
more clear on what it is thatyou want, and you tell your
nervous system, I am allowed.
I am enough.
And my voice, mm-hmm, she doesmatter.
Think about it.
(25:20):
The cost of avoidingconfrontation is high.
We just proved that.
But the payoff of stepping intoit is massive.
I'm talking confidence, I'mtalking self-respect, mental
clarity, energy, betterrelationships, opportunities
showing up for you instead ofpassing you by.
(25:40):
And you've got a self-image thatisn't fragile, but it's rock
solid.
So my challenge for you is thisstart noticing the moments where
you shrink and ask yourself, isthis my yes, or am I saying yes
to avoid the conflict?
Am I keeping the peace at thecost of my own energy and
self-worth?
(26:01):
And then I want you to set onesmall boundary today.
Practice a tiny confrontation,just one that's low stakes, and
then notice how it feels.
You are rewiring your brain, andeach time you do, you're
reclaiming your voice, yourpower, your worth, your
self-image.
This is the kind of evidence wewant to start stacking.
(26:22):
And anchor it in that mantra.
My power is mine.
I call it back to me.
My voice matters.
I am enough exactly as I am.
Because, my friend, you don'thave to roar to be heard.
Even a well-placed whisper canmove mountains.
(26:46):
Alright, you beautiful badass.
Here's what I want you to takeaway.
Number one, avoidingconfrontation.
It doesn't protect your work, iterodes it, and we've been
avoiding it for centuries.
And how's that working out?
So let's hold hands and flip thescript.
Respectfully, of course.
(27:06):
Number two, yeah, your feelingsmatter.
Your voice matters, you matter.
And number three, confrontationis a superpower.
It's how you honor yourselfwithout stepping on anyone else.
So the next time someone pushesyour boundaries, remember, you
can speak up and you will beokay.
(27:28):
And most importantly, youdeserve to be exactly who you
are (27:32):
loud, awkward, funny, imperfect, and worth every
single bit of respect.
So this week I double-dog dareyou to shrink less, speak more,
and watch the world make roomfor the real you.
So if this episode makes youfeel like someone finally gets
it, then go ahead, subscribe,leave a review, and share it
(27:55):
with a friend who needs a littlereminder that standing up for
self-love, that's the action.
And you've got this, and I'llsee you next week with more mojo
energy.
But for today, that's it for me.
And if you're looking for somemore things to boost your mojo,
you can always check out thoseshow notes, and we've got a
(28:15):
little bit of everything.
Because you know, Mojo Masteryis just getting started, and
you're the Smarty pants that'shere on the ground floor.
So stick around, stay tuned, andget ready for more mojo to come.
I've got some amazing thingscooking, and I can't wait to
tell you more about it.
But until then, I want you tostay fabulous, say that thing,
(28:38):
be yourself, and watch the worldrise to meet you.
See you next time.
Ciao for now.
Love you.
Bye.
Hey gorgeous, welcome back to Pocket Full of
Mojo, the podcast, where we swapself-doubt for self-love, and we
ditch that people pleasing forself-believing and tune into our
natural born awesomeness.
I'm Steph, your favorite mojomaven, and I'm just gonna jump
right in.
(00:31):
Can I be real with you, firstdeck?
I see you over there, out in thebig bad world, nodding like a
bobblehead, smiling, agreeing.
But I can tell when there's alittle voice inside you
screaming, wait, I don'tactually want this.
I see you juggling everyoneelse's feelings, always keeping
(00:51):
the peace, always making sureeveryone's okay, and yet, here's
the kicker.
You're scared of confrontationlike it's some kind of boogeyman
under your bed.
And I get it, you know,confrontation.
Ew, gross, awkward,uncomfortable, even terrifying,
especially if you're arecovering people pleaser like
me.
But here's the T.
(01:12):
Avoiding it, it's not cute.
It's actually really costly.
And it's chipping away at yourself-image, your sense of worth,
and it keeps you small in aworld that is begging for your
full, unapologetic, and fabulouspresence.
So today, we're breaking downconfrontation.
(01:32):
We're looking at the myths, thebrain stuff, the actual how-to
so that you can show up boldlywithout feeling like a total
jerk.
Because I don't know if you'venoticed, but we have enough of
those.
So I promise that by the endyou're gonna feel like, okay, I
can do this, and maybe evendeserve to.
(01:53):
Exciting, right?
So buckle up, buttercup, you'rein for the ride.
So let's get tuned in, tappedin, and turned on.
So picture this.
My friend Lisa.
She calls me.
(02:13):
She frantic.
Like she had to tell her bossthat she couldn't take on
another project.
Dun dun dun.
Now, Lisa had built up thisreputation at work of being the
go-to gal.
You know the one.
Maybe you're that person at worktoo.
Lord knows I was.
You know the kind.
Reliable, agreeable, teamplayer, gold star collector,
(02:37):
extraordinaire.
But Lisa, she found herself at abreaking point.
She had already said yes tocovering her colleague's
workload while she was on MatLeave, and she was leading a new
program launch with strictdeadlines, and she was
mid-remodel of her house.
So all of her downtime wasactually taking a lot of her
(02:57):
energy when she was out of theoffice.
So now she had to say no.
And she was like literallysweating bullets, pacing, and
even practicing what she wantedto say in the car on the way to
work.
What are the right words?
How do I explain that I can'tmake this happen?
I've never had to do thatbefore.
What if I do it?
What if I don't do it?
(03:18):
What if they ever offer meanother shot at the next project
that comes along?
So we talked about it.
We highlighted the fact thatthere is literally no more room
in her agenda for more tasks.
And we put together some talkingpoints for her to bring up with
her boss.
And guess what?
She did it, and it was fine.
(03:40):
Like not earth-shattering, notcatastrophic, just like normal,
fine.
Because here's the thing (03:46):
people pleasers like us, we are
hardwired to avoid conflictbecause our brains literally
hate it.
And the nerdy nerdy neurosciencealert, when you anticipate
confrontation, your amygdala, sothat part of your brain that's
basically the smoke detector forthreats, oh yeah, she light up
(04:07):
like a Christmas tree.
Heart races, sweaty palms,stomach and knots, the whole
deal.
It's like your brain isscreaming, danger, danger.
So what do we do?
We throw ourselves anexistential lifesaver to get out
of the choppy waters.
So we say yes and we shrink andwe apologize for wanting what we
(04:29):
want.
And we think if I avoid this,everyone will like me and I'll
be safe.
But here's the kicker, myfriend.
Avoiding confrontation does notkeep you safe.
It keeps you small.
And there's another few mythsfloating around out there that
are just complete nonsense.
And we're gonna tackle thosetoday.
Like confrontation is mean.
(04:51):
Nope.
Confrontation is just clarifyingyour boundaries.
Myth number two, people willreject me if I speak up.
Really?
Really, bitch.
Actually, people respecthonesty.
And self-respect is magnetic,and despite what you may have
been told or made up in yourbrain, people want to know what
(05:11):
you actually think.
Because the third myth is linkedto that.
It's that I need to be liked.
Oh honey.
Why would you want everyone tolike you?
You don't even like everyone.
So what gives?
Being respected, that issustainable.
And at the end of the day, youneed to like you.
(05:32):
And the fastest way to get thereis to treat yourself with some
respect.
And speaking up is a part ofthat.
So let's talk about this myththat confrontation is being
mean.
Like, where does that even comefrom?
Well, you know, a lot of it issocial programming.
From the time we were little,most of us were taught be nice,
(05:53):
don't hurt anyone's feelings,share, don't argue.
And like basically, we'retrained to value harmony over
honesty and to prioritize otherpeople's comfort above our own.
Like it's our responsibility.
And honestly, that's notinherently bad.
Like politeness and empathy andcompromise, these are wonderful
(06:18):
human skills.
Love them.
Five stars.
But here's the problem.
When you never learn to assertyourself, then being nice
becomes a straitjacket.
All buckles, no pockets, notcute.
What I'm saying is, is that thisisn't an either or situation.
(06:39):
You don't have to choose betweenbeing polite and nice and
considerate or faceconfrontation.
They are not mutually exclusive.
Both can be true.
So let's unpack that a littlebit more.
Here's what we know your brain,she loves some predictability.
And when you keep the peace,your amygdala doesn't have to
(07:00):
fire off the alarms.
You're staying in that safezone.
But the second you think aboutsaying, no, I don't want this,
or this isn't okay with me, yourbrain thinks that you're
signaling danger.
Suddenly confrontation feelslike a threat, even if it's
completely rational.
(07:21):
And whether you're putting inyour two cents on where to eat
or challenging an idea that youknow just won't fly in the
boardroom, your limiting beliefsare going to try to keep you
stuck and keep you small.
So let's tap into what happenswhen you're confronted with
confrontation.
So there you are, staring downsome confrontation.
(07:43):
Cue the limiting beliefs, right?
Your brain immediately is gonnasend you some crazy nonsense and
it happens to the best of us.
Maybe for you it sounds likethis.
If I speak up, I'm being mean.
Well, this is classicpeople-pleaser thinking.
But here's the truth.
Saying what you feel isn't mean,it's clear communication.
(08:04):
If someone feels hurt, well,that's kind of their
responsibility, not yours, ifyou said it in a respectful way,
right?
Or another bit of nonsense thatI hear often.
I'm supposed to keep everyonehappy.
Nope.
You're not a happiness vendingmachine.
Your job is to honor your needsand boundaries and everyone
(08:26):
else's feelings, yeah, they canmanage those for themselves.
Or maybe you're like, if Idisagree, I'll be rejected or
unloved.
Listen, your self-worth isn'tconditional on everyone agreeing
with you.
Your worthiness is not built bycommittee.
And here's a little secret.
People who respect themselvesand others at the same time,
(08:50):
they get more authentic respectand connection.
And isn't that the goal here?
To be more you?
And then there's the old tropethat my feelings are less
important than theirs.
Yeah.
According to whom?
Like now this one might sting alittle bit at first, but I'm
holding your hand and sayingthis with love.
Every time you suppress yourvoice to avoid confrontation,
(09:15):
your entire self-image takes ahit.
What you're doing when you saythat is you're literally
teaching your brain that yourneeds don't matter.
And that erodes your sense ofworth.
And that's on you.
And despite what your trainedbrain is telling you, your needs
matter.
So this is the part where youstop letting Debbie down or
(09:38):
drive the bus, and instead,we're gonna give the keys to
confrontation Carol.
Not to be confused with crappyKaren, she's a whole other
beast, and she ain't invited tothe party.
And you're like, okay, Steph,this is all good in theory, but
why does saying how I feel feelso awkward?
Well, like anything, it'sawkward because it is
(10:00):
unfamiliar.
And I know as adults, we cansometimes feel disoriented when
we're doing something for thefirst time because we're adults.
We're supposed to have this allfigured out by now, right?
Well, maybe.
If your default mode has beenagreeing and shrinking and
apologizing, and I bet you'resuper good at it, how's that
(10:21):
working out?
So now you're literally rewiringyour brain when you speak up.
Your prefrontal cortex islearning new neural pathways,
and it's like, oh, I can handleexpressing some discomfort, and
I'm not gonna die.
I know.
Wild, right?
And the more you practice, theless your brain is going to
(10:43):
equate confrontation withdanger.
And the more your self-image isgonna grow and blossom, and
you're gonna start to feel like,yeah, I am okay.
I am enough, and dang, my voicedoes matter, and it do take some
time, but you'll get there.
So let's keep going.
Now I want to get a little spicyhere because confrontation is
(11:05):
awkward for everyone, sure.
But for us women, hmm, honey, itcomes with an extra layer of
historical seasoning.
Because from the time we werelittle, society is has started
to train us to be nice andpolite and agreeable, sugar and
spice and all things nice,right?
The old you should smile more,say thank you, don't rock the
(11:30):
boat.
And if we do assert ourselves,well, suddenly we're labeled as
bossy or mean or aggressive.
Or maybe they bypass thoseeuphemisms altogether and just
call you a straight up bitch.
Yeah, it's been happeningforever.
Meanwhile, the boys down thestreet, oh, they're being
cheered for their audacity andtheir boldness and how fearless.
(11:53):
And history basically handedthem a VIP pass to being
assertive, well, we're on thiswait list.
And by that I mean not eveninvited to the party.
And let's be honest, audacityhas been perfected by men for
centuries.
They raise their hands, theytake the spotlight, they demand
what they want, and society,well, they just clap on.
(12:16):
Meanwhile, we internalize.
Well, if I say what I want, thenI'll upset someone and I'll be
rejected and I'll be seen asmean.
And these are the stories we'vebeen told.
But good news, Magoo.
Here's the magic part.
We are currently outgrowing thatcultural programming.
(12:37):
That internalized misogyny,yeah, she's slowly unraveling.
And yes, that means thatconfrontation feels awkward
because we're rewriting therules that we've been living
under our whole lives.
And we're doing things that mostof our mothers could never have
even dreamed of.
We are learning all these rulesare actually made up and
(13:01):
designed to keep us small and toshelter our power and to quiet
our wisdom and to keep ourinherent magic tucked away just
nicely in the dark.
Think about it.
Every time you pause beforespeaking up, every time you
debate, saying no, your body andyour brain are still following
(13:21):
that old programming, which iswhy your heart races and your
palms sweat and your amygdala isscreaming, danger.
All the while your prefrontalcortex is trying to remind you,
girl, you're allowed to existfully in your power, regardless
of whether or not you sit downto pee.
And for a little extra sizzle,you know that awkwardness?
(13:43):
It's literally your couragetrying on stilettos for the
first time.
Uncomfortable?
Yeah.
Awkward?
Maybe a little bit, but fierce?
Abso fucking lootly.
Because Audacity isn't a men'sclub anymore.
So grab a mimosa and claim yourseat at the table.
That's what we're here to dotoday.
(14:04):
And this is why normalizinghealthy confrontation is so
important.
We're in this cultural shift.
And women are claiming space inthe workplace, which we're
subsequently ruining,apparently, if you ask the New
York Times.
But we're changing the dynamicsof relationships, of families,
of social circles.
And here's the thing (14:25):
if we don't normalize healthy
confrontation, no one else isgonna.
So we are now the stewards ofself-strength and personal
authority.
And we all have a role in this.
And let's drop some of thesetruth bombs.
Like you don't have to mimic mento be audacious.
(14:48):
You just have to borrow thataudacity that they perfected and
add all the brilliance andempathy and intuition that women
bring to the table.
And that's a power combo thatcannot be ignored.
And that's a revolution that Iknow all of us want to be a part
of.
Because while men perfectedboldness, women perfected
(15:09):
strategy, emotionalintelligence, and integrity.
And assertiveness doesn't haveto look loud or aggressive.
It can be clever and confidentand untouchable.
And healthy confrontation is thenew feminine superpower.
So let's make it sexy.
So here are some practicaltakeaways for you, my darling,
(15:30):
lovely listener.
So when we're confronted withconfrontation, we're gonna
follow these four steps.
Number one, we're gonna name itout loud.
When we find ourselves face toface in a situation where we
need to step up and step in, wejust gotta say, I feel nervous
about this conversation and callit what it is.
Because when we acknowledge ourold programming, it really helps
(15:54):
to calm that nervous system.
And you're not gonna spiral whenyou know where you stand, even
if the water is murky.
And then number two, we startsmall.
We correct a minor understandinguntil we get good at it.
We're gonna ask for what we wantin a low-stakes situation.
Like if somebody wants sushi andyou want cheeseburgers, just say
(16:16):
no.
I want a cheeseburger.
No harm, no foul.
But practice using your voice.
And number three is to reframeconfrontation because it's not
mean, it's self-respect inaction.
This is you advocating for you.
No one else is gonna do it, andyou're gonna thank yourself for
(16:37):
it later.
Which takes us to number four.
Remind yourself every time youspeak up, you are rewiring
centuries of culturalconditioning and stepping fully
into your power.
How fucking cool is that?
That deserves some celebration,and we know celebration stacks
that evidence that our brainlikes so that this becomes our
(17:00):
new normal.
And if you want a mantra toanchor your courage, say to
yourself, I don't have to shrinkto be liked.
I can speak my truth and stillbe radiant, respected, and
unapologetically me.
And that's a mantra that fitsevery time.
So let's reframe thatconfrontation.
It's not mean, it's just honest.
(17:22):
Because here's the magic shift.
Confrontation isn't a personalattack, despite what we've been
told.
Confrontation is settingboundaries, it's speaking your
truth, it's asking for clarity.
And when you adopt this mindset,confrontation stops being a bad
thing.
It becomes an act ofself-respect.
(17:43):
And self-respect, well, that'sdirectly tied to your worthiness
and your self-image.
So let's go deeper and tie thisto your self-image.
Because when you avoidconfrontation, what are you
really saying to yourself?
You're saying my feelings don'tmatter.
You're saying other people'scomfort is more important than
my own.
(18:03):
And you're okay with that?
Hmm.
Interesting.
Now for a second, I want you toimagine someone else saying this
to you.
They come up to you and theysay, you know what, Judy, your
feelings don't matter.
And my comfort is more importantthan yours.
That sounds ridiculous.
You'd want to stop them rightthere and say, hey man, that's
(18:24):
not true.
And you'd be right.
So let's stop saying things likethis to ourselves because of all
the things in this life that areout of our control, what you say
to yourself is 1000% your call.
So make sure that that script isreflecting your awesomeness
appropriately, okay, my friend?
Okay, I'm glad we cleared thatup.
(18:46):
Because every time you shrink,you're sending your brain and
the world the message that I'mnot enough as I am.
Ouch.
So this is the perfect time todip into the empowering part.
Speaking up.
Even awkwardly, even fearfully.
It all rewires your brain.
(19:07):
And the neuroscience says thatwhen you assert yourself, your
prefrontal cortex, the part ofyour brain that's responsible
for executive function anddecision making, well, she
lights up like a Christmas tree,too.
Making your ability to act inalignment with your values, it
makes it stronger and moreaccessible.
And bit by bit, that becomesyour go-to.
(19:30):
So what does all that mean?
It means the more that youpractice standing up, the more
your brain gets used to youbeing okay with being okay.
And your self-image, boom, shegrows.
Your worth, unshakeable, and youcan do this with all the manners
and the politeness and trademarkadorability that you are known
(19:53):
for.
No meanies in sight.
Because mojo isn't abouttransforming, it's about
revealing all that you reallyare, remembering all that you
are as a whole, worthy,important, and generally
fabulous human.
So it's time to show all theparts.
And confrontation is part ofthat.
(20:14):
It's not the enemy.
The enemy is shrinking to makeeveryone else comfortable.
And if you don't believe me, Iwant to talk about the cost of
staying small, of outsourcingyour power.
Because, Bestie, it's time toget real about the dark side of
people pleasing.
Because we've talked about whyconfrontation feels awkward and
(20:35):
how society has trained us toprioritize everyone else's
comfort before our own.
But what happens when you dothat all the time?
When you keep shrinking, whenyou keep outsourcing your power
just to keep the peace.
Because in the moment, shrinkingfor comfort feels safe, but it's
actually the quietest form ofself-sabotage.
(20:57):
Because staying small, it's notsafe.
It's actually really costly.
And I'm not just talking aboutmissing out on that promotion or
letting someone cut in front ofyou in line.
I'm talking about your life,your energy, your self-worth,
your very sense of who you are.
Find a topic more important thanthat.
I'll wait.
(21:21):
In the meantime, these are thetop four ways that you're paying
too much for calm waters.
Number one, well, it's theemotional and the mental cost.
Every time you avoidconfrontation, your feelings get
buried.
Anger, frustration,disappointment, desire, they all
(21:41):
get shoved into a box.
And what do boxes do over time?
Bitch, they leak.
They leak anxiety and stress andresentment and
passive-aggressive patterns andsleepless nights, replaying
conversations that neverhappened, but maybe you wish
they did.
Stress-filled showers where youreplay moments on repeat of all
(22:03):
the times you should have saidsomething, but you took the easy
way out.
And then your brain also learnsa dangerous lesson.
It learns my needs don't matter,my voice doesn't matter.
This is literally training yournervous system to shrink.
And your self-image, oof, everyyes that wasn't yours chips away
(22:24):
at the truth that you are enoughjust as you are.
And this can ripple into numbertwo, which is the relationship
cost.
Because ironically, avoidingconfrontation hurts your
relationships.
Because when you don't speak up,people don't know who you really
are.
They only know the version ofyou that says, yes, that
(22:47):
accommodates, that numbs yourneeds for theirs.
And that's a slippery slope.
Because then they may take moreand expect more and even
unconsciously disrespect yourboundaries because you never
defined them.
And healthy confrontation isactually relationship insurance.
It's how you teach people how totreat you without resentment or
(23:11):
drama.
Now the third tax that comes inis the career and the
opportunity cost.
And this one hits hard forambitious, capable women.
Because saying yes to everythingmay keep people happy in the
short term, but it steals yourtime, your focus, and your
energy.
(23:31):
And what, you got so much ofthat going on?
No, you don't.
And then your big ideas getdelayed, and then your voice
doesn't get heard, and then yourleadership potential, it's
undermined.
And when you outsource yourpower to avoid conflict, you're
telling the world, I'm notallowed to take up space.
And unfortunately, the world hasa way of believing you.
(23:54):
And if all of this goes on foreven a little too long, we hit
number four.
The spiritual and the self-worthcost.
And this one's a kicker becausethe biggest price of staying
small isn't external, it isinternal.
Every time you suppress yourtruth, you're teaching yourself
that your feelings, yourdesires, your dreams, your
(24:17):
boundaries, it's all optional.
They don't really matter.
And when that becomes a habit,self-doubt sneaks in, imposter
syndrome settles in, and yourconnection to your worthiness,
it's fragile at best.
And you end up living a lifedesigned by everyone else's
(24:37):
comfort zone and not your own.
And sweetie, that's not living.
That's exhausting.
So here's the empowering flipside.
Because there is good news here,and that's that confrontation
does not have to feel like ahurricane.
Like, what if I told you thatit's actually the pathway back
(24:59):
to your power?
That every time you practicespeaking up, you reclaim some
space, you take back someenergy, you get a little bit
more clear on what it is thatyou want, and you tell your
nervous system, I am allowed.
I am enough.
And my voice, mm-hmm, she doesmatter.
Think about it.
(25:20):
The cost of avoidingconfrontation is high.
We just proved that.
But the payoff of stepping intoit is massive.
I'm talking confidence, I'mtalking self-respect, mental
clarity, energy, betterrelationships, opportunities
showing up for you instead ofpassing you by.
(25:40):
And you've got a self-image thatisn't fragile, but it's rock
solid.
So my challenge for you is thisstart noticing the moments where
you shrink and ask yourself, isthis my yes, or am I saying yes
to avoid the conflict?
Am I keeping the peace at thecost of my own energy and
self-worth?
(26:01):
And then I want you to set onesmall boundary today.
Practice a tiny confrontation,just one that's low stakes, and
then notice how it feels.
You are rewiring your brain, andeach time you do, you're
reclaiming your voice, yourpower, your worth, your
self-image.
This is the kind of evidence wewant to start stacking.
(26:22):
And anchor it in that mantra.
My power is mine.
I call it back to me.
My voice matters.
I am enough exactly as I am.
Because, my friend, you don'thave to roar to be heard.
Even a well-placed whisper canmove mountains.
(26:46):
Alright, you beautiful badass.
Here's what I want you to takeaway.
Number one, avoidingconfrontation.
It doesn't protect your work, iterodes it, and we've been
avoiding it for centuries.
And how's that working out?
So let's hold hands and flip thescript.
Respectfully, of course.
(27:06):
Number two, yeah, your feelingsmatter.
Your voice matters, you matter.
And number three, confrontationis a superpower.
It's how you honor yourselfwithout stepping on anyone else.
So the next time someone pushesyour boundaries, remember, you
can speak up and you will beokay.
(27:28):
And most importantly, youdeserve to be exactly who you
are (27:32):
loud, awkward, funny, imperfect, and worth every
single bit of respect.
So this week I double-dog dareyou to shrink less, speak more,
and watch the world make roomfor the real you.
So if this episode makes youfeel like someone finally gets
it, then go ahead, subscribe,leave a review, and share it
(27:55):
with a friend who needs a littlereminder that standing up for
self-love, that's the action.
And you've got this, and I'llsee you next week with more mojo
energy.
But for today, that's it for me.
And if you're looking for somemore things to boost your mojo,
you can always check out thoseshow notes, and we've got a
(28:15):
little bit of everything.
Because you know, Mojo Masteryis just getting started, and
you're the Smarty pants that'shere on the ground floor.
So stick around, stay tuned, andget ready for more mojo to come.
I've got some amazing thingscooking, and I can't wait to
tell you more about it.
But until then, I want you tostay fabulous, say that thing,
(28:38):
be yourself, and watch the worldrise to meet you.
See you next time.
Ciao for now.
Love you.
Bye.
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