June 26, 2025 • 22 mins
Some voices never truly leave us. They echo in our minds, guiding our decisions and comforting us long after the physical presence is gone. My mother Constance's voice is that eternal presence for me, and her sayings have become the foundation of who I am today.
From her playful "shuffle off to Buffalo" when heading to bed to her profound "this too shall pass" during life's storms, Mom's words created the soundtrack of my childhood. She practiced mindfulness with "just breathe" long before wellness gurus made it trendy. Her wisdom about faith—"God isn't out there, it's in you"—shaped my spiritual journey and self-trust. Even her practical reminders to "do your taxes" and "chew your food" taught me that presence matters in the mundane moments.
When she passed away in 2021, I faced not just grief but an enormous space where her voice used to be. Yet in that space, I found something unexpected: courage. The courage to end my failing marriage, to rebuild my life, and to recognize that her greatest gift wasn't dependency but the strength to forge my own path while carrying her wisdom forward. The challenge isn't forgetting our loved ones—it's continuing to grow while honoring how they shaped us. Mom's voice becomes part of my inner dialogue, guiding me through challenges and celebrations alike. What saying from someone you've lost still guides you today? Share your story and let's celebrate how we carry forward those we love through their words that live on in us.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
you know how certain voices stay with you long after
they're gone.
Today, I want to talk about hervoice, my mom, the things she
said sometimes wise, sometimesfunny, sometimes infuriating
that are woven into who I am,and I want to talk about what
it's been like to carry thosewords into the world without her
(00:31):
.
Thank you for joining me onthis very special episode of
Pocketful of Mojo.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven, andI'm here not just to share my
iconic mother's wisdom, but tohelp you weave these golden
nuggets into your own self-lovejourney.
So, without further ado, let'sget into it and get tuned in,
(00:52):
tapped in and turned on.
Hello, my friend, how's yourmojo?
Thanks for being here.
I've shared a lot over the last50, some odd episodes, so I
think it's time I introduce youto my mom, constance Ah,
(01:17):
constance, my mom, mother to meand my two older brothers, and
Connie or Mrs Mitchell, tocountless neighborhood kids who
you know they knew where thegood sandwiches and popsicles
lived.
So the headline here is my mompassed away in 2021.
And honestly, even now it feelsstrange to say out loud, even
(01:42):
stranger to say it out loudwithout crying.
But every once in a while, Icatch myself in this realization
that it still feels unreal thatshe's gone it like takes me
back by surprise.
But what's been reallybeautiful is realizing how much
of her is still with me, andespecially in the little things
(02:05):
that she always said and in away her voice kind of still
lives in my head.
So this episode feels like alittle bit of a love letter to
her and to the voice that helpedme find my own.
So I grew up with thissoundtrack.
So in addition to nonstop CBCclassical music radio, my mom's
(02:27):
sayings were pretty much onrepeat.
She had a good little stack bythe time I came around.
And I mean you know the kind,those go-to phrases that in one
moment can make you groan withcringe and in another feel like
a warm blanket, and Constancehad a lot of them.
From nothing beats a Coke andpizza.
(02:49):
Every single time we ate pizzato just her saying, oh, I'm just
going to go shuffle off toBuffalo, which was her version
of saying I'm going to bed.
Or when the kids were aroundshe'd say see you in the funny
papers instead of just a simplegoodbye.
She was always quick with aquip and left you with a smile.
(03:10):
Or when there was a toast, likewhenever we got together to
raise a glass, she would insiston the toast to wonderful people
there are so few of us.
Clearly, her tongue-in-cheekway of not only throwing shade
the craziness of other peoplesometimes, but truly with the
intention to like elevate thecompany that she kept.
(03:32):
She was cheeky and adorable,and that was my mom.
But despite her inclination toham it up sometimes and she knew
how to ham there were some ofher sayings that I later learned
were pretty powerful.
So to name a few and if I couldjust name one it would be this
too shall pass.
(03:53):
I'm sure you've heard me say itbefore too.
It's the ultimate groundingstatement.
Now, I know she didn't inventthis one duh, but it was a
regular go-to phrase when timeswere tough and a reminder that
every storm is temporary.
And, looking back, she wasprobably saying it to herself as
much as she was anyone whowould listen, and I didn't
(04:15):
always believe her, but I'veheard it enough.
Now in my hardest moments itjust shows up on its own, and
Constance was a woman of serviceand this is going to sound
really simple, but she wouldalways calm any situation with
just breathe, like this wasbreathwork before it was trendy.
(04:39):
My mom was teaching nervoussystem regulation before we even
had that language.
And my mom grew up on a farmand she was a house mom and she
had no medical training.
She didn't have any, you know,she wasn't reading clinical
studies.
But I would remember sittingdown after crying or after
something had happened andbefore she got to the what
(05:02):
happened, or jumping to the calmdown what's wrong, she would
just sit with me and gently rubmy back and mirror the deep
breaths and just whisper, justbreathe, until I was grounded
and regulated.
Fucking trailblazer, this woman.
(05:23):
Then there was the soundbite ofa true matriarch.
No one ever listens and thisone always made me smile and it
was like part frustration, partsurrender, part humor, but
weirdly it made me listen harder.
I think the people pleaser inme wanted to be the one who
(05:43):
could say like but I listen toyou Now, like as a woman of a
certain age.
Now I can absolutely empathizewith that nauseating frustration
that just want to bang yourhead against the wall of after
being overlooked and ignored andspoken over and mansplained to,
and so on and so on.
(06:04):
You know the song.
And then there was thepractical Do your taxes.
The only thing that's for sureis death and taxes.
No-transcript.
But that phrase the only thingthat's for sure is death and
taxes.
She would throw that at us whenwe were playing the what-if
(06:25):
game, which quickly becomes theworst-case scenario game, and
she knew that that wasn'tvaluable, so she just brought it
down to brass tacks and chewyour food Real simple which was
often followed by your stomachdoesn't have teeth.
But what she was really sayingwas the smallest things matter
(06:47):
Slow down, be present.
And mom was a woman of deepfaith.
It was very quiet and it wasvery personal, but she was
raising three children, and sowe all grew up going to Catholic
mass.
But she always made sure toclarify that God isn't the man
at the front of the room, he'sin you and your connection to
(07:07):
him shows up in everything youdo outside of this building.
It's not about one hour everySunday, it's about your
relationship with him every day,everywhere.
This one, this one, shapedeverything.
It shaped my sense of faith.
This one, this one, shapedeverything.
It shaped my sense of faith ofinstitutions, of inner wisdom,
(07:28):
of feminism.
And for the sake of time, we'lljust size step the whole gender
application of god or source,and we'll maybe save that for
another episode, but the bottomline on this one was she just
really instilled the value thatthere's a difference between
faith and religion, and that Godput a brain in my head for a
reason God sourced the divine.
This is what I'm talking about.
(07:49):
So these phrases weren't justwords.
They were seeds Seeds that grewinto the values that I live by
today Resilience, presence,responsibility, self-trust.
Now I always say that my lifechanged for the better.
Once I realized that my mom wasalways right and don't get it
(08:11):
twisted.
This came after many years ofresisting this fact, but the
truth is that for me she had allthe answers and when she didn't
, she had the best questions.
And from this foundation thatshe laid we built this priceless
connection that I don't takefor granted for one second.
And as I grew up, she wasalways in my corner, always
(08:33):
there to listen, doing the bestshe could to rescue, support,
cheerlead or just bring me someodds and sods, as she would say
Another one of her great sayings.
She would bring randomnewspaper articles or magazines
with one little picture in itthat she thought was cute or
something she found at thethrift store that made her think
(08:54):
of me.
And over time, once Isurrendered to this idea that my
mom was always right.
We had this likemother-daughter bestie combo
that made me feel invincible andfearless and brave.
Now, the asterisk on this isthat I know that I'm so lucky.
Not everybody has thisrelationship with a parent.
(09:15):
So I share this with you,knowing my privilege that I had
Constance as my mother, and Iwant to share this so that her
love and her wisdom can helpmore than just me.
And, as always, take whatserves you and leave the rest.
This is all made with love,because what makes this all mojo
(09:36):
is that I want to talk a littlebit about the challenge of
becoming me after losing her,because losing my mom didn't
just create grief.
It created this enormous spaceand space where her voice used
to be.
Space to ask who am I withouther?
Space to separate what she gaveme from what I want to keep,
(10:01):
from what I want to grow into onmy own.
And there's this strangetension in grief.
There's honoring her influencewhile still becoming fully
myself.
And of course, I still want tocall her for advice and of
course I hear her in my head andI realize, okay, I already know
what she'd say.
(10:22):
But it wasn't always like that,because the day she passed was
both the hardest and the mostsurreal day of my life and she
hated that word actually surrealshe thought it should be
reserved for people who werespeaking about childbirth
exclusively.
And my mom was an avid readerand she's the one who gave me my
(10:45):
love of crosswords and we'reall very big word nerds, so we
understand the power of wordsand that words matter.
So, yeah, she died.
It was surreal and despite herhate of that word, as I was
processing losing her, I couldhear her voice in my head, Just
(11:07):
breathe, and somehow I did,because that day that I found
out that she died, I felt likeI'd been hit by a truck.
And the last time I'dphysically seen my mom was after
a three week dream vacationwhere she came to France and we
paraded around Paris and Nantesand Lourdes and taking her to
(11:27):
places that literally made hersay things like I feel like I'm
in a movie and the cutestresponse to a French waiter ever
told merci very much.
And then, between COVID and life, two years had passed since I
had the privilege of getting ahug from my mom and I mean we
talked all the time and shedidn't know how to have a
(11:50):
conversation shorter than 90minutes.
So there was always a closeness, text messages riddled with
emojis and rantings about whatthe cat did, or the thing my dad
said, or some insights on abook that she was reading.
We shared everything the highs,the lows, the oodles of the
mundane.
She was here for it.
(12:11):
She was here for all of ituntil that day.
So that day in question, herlast day on earth, went like any
other, but with a littlesparkle of special.
She had a long overdue coffeedate with one of her longtime
friends.
Actually, she's the mother ofone of my longtime friends, so
they'd been close for decades.
But as things go, it had been awhile since they chatted and
(12:33):
later I found out that herfriend almost cancelled because
she had to come from the gym andshe wasn't feeling up to it.
But she fought the urge toreschedule and showed up to see
my mom, and thank god she did.
And there was my mom in hercute little sundress and hat and
adorned with, like one of her,many, many gaudy brooches and
some sparkly earrings.
(12:54):
And because for her this waslike a big day out, because
socializing was still kind ofrare and sparse, and so they met
and they chatted and theylaughed and they caught up like
old friends do.
Then my mom ran some errands andcame home and made meatloaf and
probably finished the crosswordin a whiskey while the oven was
(13:14):
cooking up the feast.
Then after dinner she wasfeeling tired, as one does, so
she went upstairs to take a napand the next day I was woken up
by the sound of my phone ringingearlier than it normally does,
and, even more rare, it was acall from my brother.
Good morning, steph.
Sorry to wake you up, but Ihave the awful job of telling
(13:36):
you that mom passed away andwhat he said after that I
couldn't tell you.
So I sat up in bed, paralyzed,unable to think, like picture a
rainbow pinwheel in my head thatwas stuck and couldn't fully
process what he had just said.
(13:57):
And then I think, I physicallyfelt my heart crack open and I
just started to bawl that kindof crying that just kind of
takes your breath away.
So a coffee and severalcigarettes later, I called on my
tribe to just come and be withme and I had no idea what I
needed.
I had no idea what to do next.
(14:18):
I had no answers and I had onlyquestions.
So my brain kicked intoproblem-solving mode and I
started to search for a flighthome.
And I got to tell work, I can'twork.
How am I going to get to Canada?
Do I have enough money to booka last-minute flight?
Jesus, how much is this goingto cost?
What am I going to wear to thefuneral?
And I spun, and I spun and Icried and I spun.
(14:43):
I started mastering thethousand-yard stare because when
I got the news, it's like theworld tilted sideways.
Everything familiar suddenlyfelt foreign and the air got
heavy and my body moved.
But it didn't feel like I wasthe one moving it, like it was
more than sadness, it wasdisbelief and confusion and an
(15:07):
ache so deep you can't name it,and life is just split in two,
like now.
We're at this landmark momentof before, this moment and
everything that'll come after.
And I wanted more than anythingis one more chance to hear her
voice.
But instead I was a walkingzombie, catching myself every
(15:29):
few moments like laughing atthis disbelief of this new truth
that I was living in a worldwithout my mom, who okayed this.
Not only had I never known aworld without her, but I'd never
really thought about it.
You know what?
That's actually not entirelytrue, as I said that I just got
(15:51):
this flash and it's gonna soundodd, but in some of my happiest
moments like there's this one inparticular that I can still
picture today I was in my carand I was having this super
powerful moment of gratitudewhere tears were streaming down
my face.
I'd been moved by a piece ofmusic and I thought about how
(16:13):
grateful I was that sheinstilled that love of music in
me, that music could reach me onan emotional level.
So I'm there in my car and thetears are streaming down my face
, this time in happiness and joy, and I had the thought I
remember having the thought thatI would be able to speak to all
of this love and joy andgratitude that she's gifted me
(16:37):
with to her and for her at ourfuneral.
I had that thought like 10years before she died and I can
say today that I did both.
And coming home for her funeralwas otherworldly.
I was somewhere I didn't wantto be dealing in an unimaginable
(16:57):
truth, surrounded by otherzombies like my brothers and my
dad, and we were all trying tofigure out what to do and how
best to do it and how to honorher, the central figure in our
lives.
And it was pretty acute becauseshe was pretty iconic and
powerful and brave and just thisunsung hero and we all knew it.
(17:19):
So it's no small feat to feellike you're getting everything
just right, and then it'sfollowed quickly by the haunting
reality that she won't be hereto appreciate any of it.
And coming out of that kind ofgrief took a long time, because
that grief was then compounded alittle by the realization that
my marriage was over.
So after the funeral I flewback to France and I packed up
(17:44):
my life and I left my friendsand my cats and my husband
behind.
And I flew back to France and Ipacked up my life and I left my
friends and my cats and myhusband behind and I moved back
to Canada, to the house I grewup in and helped my dad figure
out his next chapter without her, as well as sort out my own
life story.
But then something funnyhappened not like haha, funny,
but there was a shift, becauseI'd been grappling with my
(18:05):
failing marriage for a while andafter my mom died, amidst the
crippling sadness and sense ofloss, I also somehow felt more
empowered than ever to do whatwas right for me.
I got this new relationship totime and how much things can
change in an instant, and Ituned into what my mom must have
(18:29):
been feeling all those timesshe heard me broken and sad on
the phone when we wereprocessing my disintegrating
relationship over a longdistance call or a long
scrolling text message.
I felt like I was finallystrong enough to stand up for
myself and make the mostdifficult decision at the most
difficult time in my life, whichis kind of how I knew it was
(18:50):
the right thing to do, becauseit was terrifying and because I
couldn't spend another momentfeeling this way.
Because, through all the noiseand the chaos of grieving my
mother's loss, somehow leavingmy marriage didn't feel like
another loss, it felt right, itfelt brave, it felt like for the
(19:10):
first time in my life I couldsee that life is too short to
tolerate and compromise and sellmyself short and make myself
small.
And my mom put up with a lot inher life leaving her country
roots to move to the big city,navigating life with three young
kids and an absent husband wasno cakewalk the isolation of
(19:32):
being a housewife in a time whenwomen were storming the
workforce and she was made tofeel less than by society, not
to mention her friend group.
She fought many silent battlesand after a couple arrived,
maybe they weren't so silent,but to see me living small would
never have been something thatshe would accept, and nor should
(19:54):
I.
It was like she passed on thecourage she never had and gifted
it to me in the moment that Ineeded it the most.
That's the only way I think Ican explain it, but trust me
when I say that she is part ofall of my big decisions and some
of the small ones.
But in the time since herpassing I've been able to really
(20:16):
understand the foundation thatshe laid for me, and it was
indeed to build my own path, togrow my own seeds and chase my
own dreams.
So here's what I carry forward,because I know she's still with
me, because her voice stillshows up in moments of overwhelm
, with this too shall pass.
(20:37):
In moments of decision, godisn't out there.
It's in me.
In moments of stress, justbreathe.
In moments of everyday life, doyour taxes, chew your food, and
the older I get, the more Irealize she wasn't perfect.
Neither am I, but the love, thelessons, the words.
(21:00):
They are perfect in the waythat they continue to guide me.
So if you've lost someone thatyou love maybe you know this
feeling too their voice becomespart of your inner dialogue.
The challenge isn't to forgetthem, it's to keep growing while
still carrying them with you.
So today I'm grateful for thethings my mom said and I'm
(21:24):
grateful that even now,especially now, I still hear her
.
And just like that, you've gotyour very own pocketful emoji.
And listen, we've all got thosemom-isms, grandma-isms,
life-isms rattling around ourhead.
So if you've got a line that'sstuck with you, the kind you
(21:45):
find yourself repeating eventhough you swore you wouldn't, I
want to hear about it.
Send me a DM, tag me, send acarrier pigeon.
Let's celebrate the beautiful,funny, totally human way that we
carry the people that we loveforward with us.
So until next time, my friend,just breathe, chew your food and
(22:07):
, for the love of all thingsholy, do your taxes.
You can do it, I can help.
Ciao for now.
Love you.
Outro Music you.
you know how certain voices stay with you long after
they're gone.
Today, I want to talk about hervoice, my mom, the things she
said sometimes wise, sometimesfunny, sometimes infuriating
that are woven into who I am,and I want to talk about what
it's been like to carry thosewords into the world without her
(00:31):
.
Thank you for joining me onthis very special episode of
Pocketful of Mojo.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven, andI'm here not just to share my
iconic mother's wisdom, but tohelp you weave these golden
nuggets into your own self-lovejourney.
So, without further ado, let'sget into it and get tuned in,
(00:52):
tapped in and turned on.
Hello, my friend, how's yourmojo?
Thanks for being here.
I've shared a lot over the last50, some odd episodes, so I
think it's time I introduce youto my mom, constance Ah,
(01:17):
constance, my mom, mother to meand my two older brothers, and
Connie or Mrs Mitchell, tocountless neighborhood kids who
you know they knew where thegood sandwiches and popsicles
lived.
So the headline here is my mompassed away in 2021.
And honestly, even now it feelsstrange to say out loud, even
(01:42):
stranger to say it out loudwithout crying.
But every once in a while, Icatch myself in this realization
that it still feels unreal thatshe's gone it like takes me
back by surprise.
But what's been reallybeautiful is realizing how much
of her is still with me, andespecially in the little things
(02:05):
that she always said and in away her voice kind of still
lives in my head.
So this episode feels like alittle bit of a love letter to
her and to the voice that helpedme find my own.
So I grew up with thissoundtrack.
So in addition to nonstop CBCclassical music radio, my mom's
(02:27):
sayings were pretty much onrepeat.
She had a good little stack bythe time I came around.
And I mean you know the kind,those go-to phrases that in one
moment can make you groan withcringe and in another feel like
a warm blanket, and Constancehad a lot of them.
From nothing beats a Coke andpizza.
(02:49):
Every single time we ate pizzato just her saying, oh, I'm just
going to go shuffle off toBuffalo, which was her version
of saying I'm going to bed.
Or when the kids were aroundshe'd say see you in the funny
papers instead of just a simplegoodbye.
She was always quick with aquip and left you with a smile.
(03:10):
Or when there was a toast, likewhenever we got together to
raise a glass, she would insiston the toast to wonderful people
there are so few of us.
Clearly, her tongue-in-cheekway of not only throwing shade
the craziness of other peoplesometimes, but truly with the
intention to like elevate thecompany that she kept.
(03:32):
She was cheeky and adorable,and that was my mom.
But despite her inclination toham it up sometimes and she knew
how to ham there were some ofher sayings that I later learned
were pretty powerful.
So to name a few and if I couldjust name one it would be this
too shall pass.
(03:53):
I'm sure you've heard me say itbefore too.
It's the ultimate groundingstatement.
Now, I know she didn't inventthis one duh, but it was a
regular go-to phrase when timeswere tough and a reminder that
every storm is temporary.
And, looking back, she wasprobably saying it to herself as
much as she was anyone whowould listen, and I didn't
(04:15):
always believe her, but I'veheard it enough.
Now in my hardest moments itjust shows up on its own, and
Constance was a woman of serviceand this is going to sound
really simple, but she wouldalways calm any situation with
just breathe, like this wasbreathwork before it was trendy.
(04:39):
My mom was teaching nervoussystem regulation before we even
had that language.
And my mom grew up on a farmand she was a house mom and she
had no medical training.
She didn't have any, you know,she wasn't reading clinical
studies.
But I would remember sittingdown after crying or after
something had happened andbefore she got to the what
(05:02):
happened, or jumping to the calmdown what's wrong, she would
just sit with me and gently rubmy back and mirror the deep
breaths and just whisper, justbreathe, until I was grounded
and regulated.
Fucking trailblazer, this woman.
(05:23):
Then there was the soundbite ofa true matriarch.
No one ever listens and thisone always made me smile and it
was like part frustration, partsurrender, part humor, but
weirdly it made me listen harder.
I think the people pleaser inme wanted to be the one who
(05:43):
could say like but I listen toyou Now, like as a woman of a
certain age.
Now I can absolutely empathizewith that nauseating frustration
that just want to bang yourhead against the wall of after
being overlooked and ignored andspoken over and mansplained to,
and so on and so on.
(06:04):
You know the song.
And then there was thepractical Do your taxes.
The only thing that's for sureis death and taxes.
No-transcript.
But that phrase the only thingthat's for sure is death and
taxes.
She would throw that at us whenwe were playing the what-if
(06:25):
game, which quickly becomes theworst-case scenario game, and
she knew that that wasn'tvaluable, so she just brought it
down to brass tacks and chewyour food Real simple which was
often followed by your stomachdoesn't have teeth.
But what she was really sayingwas the smallest things matter
(06:47):
Slow down, be present.
And mom was a woman of deepfaith.
It was very quiet and it wasvery personal, but she was
raising three children, and sowe all grew up going to Catholic
mass.
But she always made sure toclarify that God isn't the man
at the front of the room, he'sin you and your connection to
(07:07):
him shows up in everything youdo outside of this building.
It's not about one hour everySunday, it's about your
relationship with him every day,everywhere.
This one, this one, shapedeverything.
It shaped my sense of faith.
This one, this one, shapedeverything.
It shaped my sense of faith ofinstitutions, of inner wisdom,
(07:28):
of feminism.
And for the sake of time, we'lljust size step the whole gender
application of god or source,and we'll maybe save that for
another episode, but the bottomline on this one was she just
really instilled the value thatthere's a difference between
faith and religion, and that Godput a brain in my head for a
reason God sourced the divine.
This is what I'm talking about.
(07:49):
So these phrases weren't justwords.
They were seeds Seeds that grewinto the values that I live by
today Resilience, presence,responsibility, self-trust.
Now I always say that my lifechanged for the better.
Once I realized that my mom wasalways right and don't get it
(08:11):
twisted.
This came after many years ofresisting this fact, but the
truth is that for me she had allthe answers and when she didn't
, she had the best questions.
And from this foundation thatshe laid we built this priceless
connection that I don't takefor granted for one second.
And as I grew up, she wasalways in my corner, always
(08:33):
there to listen, doing the bestshe could to rescue, support,
cheerlead or just bring me someodds and sods, as she would say
Another one of her great sayings.
She would bring randomnewspaper articles or magazines
with one little picture in itthat she thought was cute or
something she found at thethrift store that made her think
(08:54):
of me.
And over time, once Isurrendered to this idea that my
mom was always right.
We had this likemother-daughter bestie combo
that made me feel invincible andfearless and brave.
Now, the asterisk on this isthat I know that I'm so lucky.
Not everybody has thisrelationship with a parent.
(09:15):
So I share this with you,knowing my privilege that I had
Constance as my mother, and Iwant to share this so that her
love and her wisdom can helpmore than just me.
And, as always, take whatserves you and leave the rest.
This is all made with love,because what makes this all mojo
(09:36):
is that I want to talk a littlebit about the challenge of
becoming me after losing her,because losing my mom didn't
just create grief.
It created this enormous spaceand space where her voice used
to be.
Space to ask who am I withouther?
Space to separate what she gaveme from what I want to keep,
(10:01):
from what I want to grow into onmy own.
And there's this strangetension in grief.
There's honoring her influencewhile still becoming fully
myself.
And of course, I still want tocall her for advice and of
course I hear her in my head andI realize, okay, I already know
what she'd say.
(10:22):
But it wasn't always like that,because the day she passed was
both the hardest and the mostsurreal day of my life and she
hated that word actually surrealshe thought it should be
reserved for people who werespeaking about childbirth
exclusively.
And my mom was an avid readerand she's the one who gave me my
(10:45):
love of crosswords and we'reall very big word nerds, so we
understand the power of wordsand that words matter.
So, yeah, she died.
It was surreal and despite herhate of that word, as I was
processing losing her, I couldhear her voice in my head, Just
(11:07):
breathe, and somehow I did,because that day that I found
out that she died, I felt likeI'd been hit by a truck.
And the last time I'dphysically seen my mom was after
a three week dream vacationwhere she came to France and we
paraded around Paris and Nantesand Lourdes and taking her to
(11:27):
places that literally made hersay things like I feel like I'm
in a movie and the cutestresponse to a French waiter ever
told merci very much.
And then, between COVID and life, two years had passed since I
had the privilege of getting ahug from my mom and I mean we
talked all the time and shedidn't know how to have a
(11:50):
conversation shorter than 90minutes.
So there was always a closeness, text messages riddled with
emojis and rantings about whatthe cat did, or the thing my dad
said, or some insights on abook that she was reading.
We shared everything the highs,the lows, the oodles of the
mundane.
She was here for it.
(12:11):
She was here for all of ituntil that day.
So that day in question, herlast day on earth, went like any
other, but with a littlesparkle of special.
She had a long overdue coffeedate with one of her longtime
friends.
Actually, she's the mother ofone of my longtime friends, so
they'd been close for decades.
But as things go, it had been awhile since they chatted and
(12:33):
later I found out that herfriend almost cancelled because
she had to come from the gym andshe wasn't feeling up to it.
But she fought the urge toreschedule and showed up to see
my mom, and thank god she did.
And there was my mom in hercute little sundress and hat and
adorned with, like one of her,many, many gaudy brooches and
some sparkly earrings.
(12:54):
And because for her this waslike a big day out, because
socializing was still kind ofrare and sparse, and so they met
and they chatted and theylaughed and they caught up like
old friends do.
Then my mom ran some errands andcame home and made meatloaf and
probably finished the crosswordin a whiskey while the oven was
(13:14):
cooking up the feast.
Then after dinner she wasfeeling tired, as one does, so
she went upstairs to take a napand the next day I was woken up
by the sound of my phone ringingearlier than it normally does,
and, even more rare, it was acall from my brother.
Good morning, steph.
Sorry to wake you up, but Ihave the awful job of telling
(13:36):
you that mom passed away andwhat he said after that I
couldn't tell you.
So I sat up in bed, paralyzed,unable to think, like picture a
rainbow pinwheel in my head thatwas stuck and couldn't fully
process what he had just said.
(13:57):
And then I think, I physicallyfelt my heart crack open and I
just started to bawl that kindof crying that just kind of
takes your breath away.
So a coffee and severalcigarettes later, I called on my
tribe to just come and be withme and I had no idea what I
needed.
I had no idea what to do next.
(14:18):
I had no answers and I had onlyquestions.
So my brain kicked intoproblem-solving mode and I
started to search for a flighthome.
And I got to tell work, I can'twork.
How am I going to get to Canada?
Do I have enough money to booka last-minute flight?
Jesus, how much is this goingto cost?
What am I going to wear to thefuneral?
And I spun, and I spun and Icried and I spun.
(14:43):
I started mastering thethousand-yard stare because when
I got the news, it's like theworld tilted sideways.
Everything familiar suddenlyfelt foreign and the air got
heavy and my body moved.
But it didn't feel like I wasthe one moving it, like it was
more than sadness, it wasdisbelief and confusion and an
(15:07):
ache so deep you can't name it,and life is just split in two,
like now.
We're at this landmark momentof before, this moment and
everything that'll come after.
And I wanted more than anythingis one more chance to hear her
voice.
But instead I was a walkingzombie, catching myself every
(15:29):
few moments like laughing atthis disbelief of this new truth
that I was living in a worldwithout my mom, who okayed this.
Not only had I never known aworld without her, but I'd never
really thought about it.
You know what?
That's actually not entirelytrue, as I said that I just got
(15:51):
this flash and it's gonna soundodd, but in some of my happiest
moments like there's this one inparticular that I can still
picture today I was in my carand I was having this super
powerful moment of gratitudewhere tears were streaming down
my face.
I'd been moved by a piece ofmusic and I thought about how
(16:13):
grateful I was that sheinstilled that love of music in
me, that music could reach me onan emotional level.
So I'm there in my car and thetears are streaming down my face
, this time in happiness and joy, and I had the thought I
remember having the thought thatI would be able to speak to all
of this love and joy andgratitude that she's gifted me
(16:37):
with to her and for her at ourfuneral.
I had that thought like 10years before she died and I can
say today that I did both.
And coming home for her funeralwas otherworldly.
I was somewhere I didn't wantto be dealing in an unimaginable
(16:57):
truth, surrounded by otherzombies like my brothers and my
dad, and we were all trying tofigure out what to do and how
best to do it and how to honorher, the central figure in our
lives.
And it was pretty acute becauseshe was pretty iconic and
powerful and brave and just thisunsung hero and we all knew it.
(17:19):
So it's no small feat to feellike you're getting everything
just right, and then it'sfollowed quickly by the haunting
reality that she won't be hereto appreciate any of it.
And coming out of that kind ofgrief took a long time, because
that grief was then compounded alittle by the realization that
my marriage was over.
So after the funeral I flewback to France and I packed up
(17:44):
my life and I left my friendsand my cats and my husband
behind.
And I flew back to France and Ipacked up my life and I left my
friends and my cats and myhusband behind and I moved back
to Canada, to the house I grewup in and helped my dad figure
out his next chapter without her, as well as sort out my own
life story.
But then something funnyhappened not like haha, funny,
but there was a shift, becauseI'd been grappling with my
(18:05):
failing marriage for a while andafter my mom died, amidst the
crippling sadness and sense ofloss, I also somehow felt more
empowered than ever to do whatwas right for me.
I got this new relationship totime and how much things can
change in an instant, and Ituned into what my mom must have
(18:29):
been feeling all those timesshe heard me broken and sad on
the phone when we wereprocessing my disintegrating
relationship over a longdistance call or a long
scrolling text message.
I felt like I was finallystrong enough to stand up for
myself and make the mostdifficult decision at the most
difficult time in my life, whichis kind of how I knew it was
(18:50):
the right thing to do, becauseit was terrifying and because I
couldn't spend another momentfeeling this way.
Because, through all the noiseand the chaos of grieving my
mother's loss, somehow leavingmy marriage didn't feel like
another loss, it felt right, itfelt brave, it felt like for the
(19:10):
first time in my life I couldsee that life is too short to
tolerate and compromise and sellmyself short and make myself
small.
And my mom put up with a lot inher life leaving her country
roots to move to the big city,navigating life with three young
kids and an absent husband wasno cakewalk the isolation of
(19:32):
being a housewife in a time whenwomen were storming the
workforce and she was made tofeel less than by society, not
to mention her friend group.
She fought many silent battlesand after a couple arrived,
maybe they weren't so silent,but to see me living small would
never have been something thatshe would accept, and nor should
(19:54):
I.
It was like she passed on thecourage she never had and gifted
it to me in the moment that Ineeded it the most.
That's the only way I think Ican explain it, but trust me
when I say that she is part ofall of my big decisions and some
of the small ones.
But in the time since herpassing I've been able to really
(20:16):
understand the foundation thatshe laid for me, and it was
indeed to build my own path, togrow my own seeds and chase my
own dreams.
So here's what I carry forward,because I know she's still with
me, because her voice stillshows up in moments of overwhelm
, with this too shall pass.
(20:37):
In moments of decision, godisn't out there.
It's in me.
In moments of stress, justbreathe.
In moments of everyday life, doyour taxes, chew your food, and
the older I get, the more Irealize she wasn't perfect.
Neither am I, but the love, thelessons, the words.
(21:00):
They are perfect in the waythat they continue to guide me.
So if you've lost someone thatyou love maybe you know this
feeling too their voice becomespart of your inner dialogue.
The challenge isn't to forgetthem, it's to keep growing while
still carrying them with you.
So today I'm grateful for thethings my mom said and I'm
(21:24):
grateful that even now,especially now, I still hear her
.
And just like that, you've gotyour very own pocketful emoji.
And listen, we've all got thosemom-isms, grandma-isms,
life-isms rattling around ourhead.
So if you've got a line that'sstuck with you, the kind you
(21:45):
find yourself repeating eventhough you swore you wouldn't, I
want to hear about it.
Send me a DM, tag me, send acarrier pigeon.
Let's celebrate the beautiful,funny, totally human way that we
carry the people that we loveforward with us.
So until next time, my friend,just breathe, chew your food and
(22:07):
, for the love of all thingsholy, do your taxes.
You can do it, I can help.
Ciao for now.
Love you.
Outro Music you.
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