February 20, 2025 • 26 mins
This episode examines the difference between fitting in and belonging while empowering listeners to reclaim their authentic selves. Through personal anecdotes and practical tools, we encourage stopping the habit of unneeded apologies and embracing self-love, helping listeners transform their mindset and actions.
• Understanding self-love and its relationship with societal roles
• Differentiating between fitting in and belonging
• The significance of a full moon practice for releasing limiting beliefs
• The importance of reclaiming your voice and space
• Acknowledging the health risks tied to suppressing authenticity
• Setting intentions for a more empowered life
• Practical steps for nurturing self-worth and joy
Be sure to check out Alina - @alinainwinnipeg (Astrotherapist for women) - she's the inspo for the full moon activity!
Mojo Gummies? Yes Please!Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
More Mojo:
Daily Mojo:
Mojo Website:
Music from #Uppbeat
https://uppbeat.io/t/mountaineer/run-away
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
self-love is not self-made.
It's not just about how we showup for ourselves.
It's about how we show up inthe world as ourselves.
We live in a society that isheavily based on roles.
You're a wife, you're a husband, you're a sister, you're a
brother, you're a mother, you'rea father, you're a plumber,
(00:34):
you're an author, you're adoctor.
All of these roles depend onhow other people see you, but
none of these roles are worth adamn if you're not you.
You exist, you have value.
You are worthy of expressingyour wishes, your desires, your
opinions, not so that you canfit in, but so that you can find
(00:57):
the place in the world whereyou truly belong.
Today we're going to look atthe difference between fitting
in and belonging, and whathappens when we live safe and
live small and practical tips toidentify where we can flip the
script and get back to owning.
The most important role thereis the role of being your true
self.
(01:17):
It's time to change the tides.
We are in a unique point inhistory, so if you want to be
part of the revolution, staytuned.
Let's get our hands on some ofthat mojo.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo,where you're you and I'm Steph,
and we tune in here to tap intosome mojo.
And if you're new here andasking what's mojo, well, mojo
(01:43):
is that feeling of unshakableconfidence, that booming
self-worth.
Like you're an unstoppableforce of nature, and I'm here to
show you how you can have thatfeeling every single day.
And, the best part, you can doit too.
You're ready, you can startright from where you are.
You see, I think I've crackedthe code to being happy.
(02:03):
I'm happy all the freaking timeEvery day, at least most of the
day, possibly to an annoyingdegree.
But hey, I wasn't always thisway, not to flex, but I have had
multiple breakdowns on multiplecontinents and in two languages
.
Look, three years ago, my wholelife was a dumpster fire.
I lost my marriage and I lostmy mom within weeks of each
(02:26):
other.
I left a home in France that Ilove and I had to start from the
bottom, start from scratch.
And today I'm better than I'veever been, and I know that
you're asking well, how to dothat?
Well, by paying attention andby living with more intention.
And so I've created thisself-love first aid kit, and
(02:47):
it's full of amazing tools thathelp me level up, navigate life
with that main character energyand navigate life's ups and
downs, with grace and awarenessthat I have everything I need.
And a hot take here you haveeverything you need and I'm not
here to gatekeep.
I want to show you how you cantoo.
In fact, I'm on a mission.
I want to help you tap intoyour best stuff and remember
(03:11):
that you have everything thatyou need to live your own life
on your own terms.
So in today's episode, we'regoing to replace our usual
mantra work with some full moonfever.
We're going to uncover why welive small and play safe and,
finally, we're going to learnhow to flip the script on living
apologetically and step intoour power.
(03:33):
What a delicious menu of topics.
I'm feeling fired up.
So, without further ado, let'sget to the part where your mojo
meets the road.
Let's get to the part whereyour mojo meets the road.
Hello and welcome to Pocketfulof Mojo.
Once again, I'm Steph.
(03:54):
I'm your mojo maven, youremotional Sherpa, that friend
that you can talk to about yourfeelings, and I'm so glad you're
here.
Quick reminder am I a therapist?
No, do I have a degree inpsychology?
Also, no, I'm a flawed humanand a recovering people pleaser
who's just figured out how totap into our best stuff.
We're literally born witheverything that we need, so I'm
(04:14):
here to remind you of howawesome you are and point you in
the direction of some toolsthat will help you remember that
you're worthy to live the lifeyou love and love the life you
live you in, let's go.
So today I want to do somethinga little different.
We're here today, the 13th ofFebruary and coming in hard to a
full moon, and I have theprivilege of knowing a fabulous
(04:38):
woman, alina Ramazanova, abrilliant astrotherapist, who is
a fountain of amazing knowledgeand insight, and thanks to her,
I was inspired to do thespecial practice for the full
moon and I wanted to share itwith you.
It's about releasing what nolonger serves you and leaning
into the themes of a full moonin Leo, which are
self-expression, creativity,courage and all the good things
(05:01):
that make you your authenticself, and release the things
that don't serve you.
So her recommended activity isone that I did last night and I
wanted to share it with you, andso the activity starts with a
little bit of you time, a momentwhere it's just you and your
thoughts, undistracted,uninterrupted, and if you can do
that, it's already a win.
I know it can be hard.
(05:22):
It took me three tries, butwith intention, this is going to
change the game.
So the next thing you want to dois grab a pen, piece of paper
old school and reflect andcapture what you want to release
.
What's holding you back?
What are the fears, the habits,the grudges, the old patterns
that you want to get rid of?
Think about what situations,people, thoughts, limiting
(05:45):
beliefs, what have you beencarrying around that could use
the old heave-ho?
Write it all down.
Let your heart and mind guideyour pen.
I did this myself last nightand I wanted to share with you
what it looks like.
So here we go February fullmoon release.
I want to let go of my fear,release me from this chapter.
(06:07):
I want to release my sedentaryhabits.
I want to release my late nightcravings.
I want to release myinexperience and insecurity
around asking for what I want.
I want to release my moneyblocks and step into financial
abundance and wealth knowledge.
I want to release my moneyblocks and step into financial
abundance and wealth knowledge.
I want to release my resentmentof my situation.
(06:28):
I want to release my limitingbeliefs and be more curious and
maintain productivity.
I want to let go of anynegative self-image, self-talk I
have and step into my power andcourage.
I want to let go of my need forperfection and order and
(06:49):
control.
I want to release the unhealthyhabits that diminish my worth
by settling for less.
So there you go.
That's my list.
That's my agreement betweenmyself and the universe that I
give permission to no longerengage with those things that
don't define me, that no longermake sense to me, and that now I
(07:10):
have the awareness that theyaren't helping me get where I
want to go and they might evenbe slowing me down.
And now we burn the list.
You see, fire is the moon'selement, so we enter a contract
and a conversation with all thatfull moon's energy, so it can
help guide our new actions andnew commitments, and we can do
(07:30):
this with the wind on our back.
Alina is also really clear to bemindful about giving yourself
some grace during the full moon.
Give yourself extra permissionto rest, meditate, do some
breath, work and just generallybe a bit more gentle with
yourself.
Thanks, moon, don't have to askme twice.
(07:53):
So, as I safely burn my list, Iwish for myself and for you,
sweet listener, that this be atime of positive change,
personal transformation for thebetter, and growth beyond your
imagination.
Thank you again to Alina forthis powerful exercise.
I've tagged her in the shownotes, so be sure to check her
out.
She is a daily source ofinspiration for me and she has
so much insight and value thatshe brings to the world.
(08:13):
You will learn something fromher, guaranteed Ugh.
I'm feeling lighter already.
Now let me be clear.
This next statement is foreveryone.
Women in particular have beenprogrammed not to say no.
I was listening to Gabor Matethe other day and he was
referencing a study thatfollowed 2,000 women.
(08:34):
The women that were unhappilymarried and stayed but didn't
express their feelings, were,get this, four times more likely
to die than those who were inunhappy marriages and did say
something.
Now, they were still unhappy,but they lived their authentic
truth.
The takeaway here is that theissue isn't happiness, it's
(08:56):
authenticity.
Keeping your feelings bottled,your thoughts and ideas
unexpressed, is possibly one ofthe most toxic things that we
can do to ourselves, and societypushes us to be this way.
But we can stand up, we cantake up space, we can rebel
against these old systems, and Idon't know about you, but I
signed no contract saying that Iwould uphold these systems that
(09:19):
are designed to keep me down.
So the key takeaway here say nomore often, honor yourself.
Now the title of this episodehow to Stop Apologizing for
Existing a wee bit dramatic, Iwill give you that, but it's
intended to be a bit jarring.
Let's have a closer look.
(09:39):
When it comes to the differencebetween fitting in and belonging
, they couldn't be moredifferent, despite sounding like
exactly the same thing.
You see, fitting in is when youmake accommodations to go with
the flow Holding back a commenthere, repressing a feeling or
two there, then making yourselfjust the right size to make sure
(10:01):
that you're in harmony withthose around you and compatible
and palpable for the environment, that you're in Smooth sailing,
easy breezy.
As a long-practiced peoplepleaser, this was pretty much my
MO for many, many years, and Icould never understand why my
accommodations never left mefeeling less lonely, no matter
how many spaces I tried to fitinto.
(10:22):
But then I learned aboutbelonging Now.
Belonging is being in a roomthat lights you up.
It's talking with someone andseeing their eyes widen with
interest when you talk aboutsomething you're passionate
about, or starting aconversation and holding space
for each other, and in the blinkof an eye, two hours have gone
by Now.
When I put belonging under amicroscope, I was able to pick
(10:45):
out a few things that happen ina room where you belong as
opposed to one where you fit in.
And when you belong, you'rebeing true to yourself, you're
laughing without holding back,you're sharing your quirks and
you feel safe doing it, and youfeel seen and heard.
When someone says I get it, Ifeel that way too and you know
(11:06):
that they mean it.
When there's like inside jokesand shared moments and like you
share a look with someone andyou know that they just get it,
or you both crack up because youshare the same joke, there's
that mutual support and noscorekeeping.
You know knowing that you cancall someone at two in the
morning and they'd show up foryou and hold space for you with
(11:28):
no questions, no guilt.
It's having someone in yourlife that will cheer just as
loudly for your small victoriesas for the big ones.
It's people who walk in wheneveryone else is walking out.
There's no mask, there's noperformance.
You can show up on your bestday and your worst and still be
accepted.
When you can just sit togetherand say nothing and feel
(11:51):
completely connected, becausebelonging isn't about fitting in
.
It's about being known, seen.
Now, I'm sure that while I waslisting these things, you had
images and thoughts flyingthrough your head and you were
able to pinpoint moments in yourlife where you felt this way,
and I want you to hold on tothat feeling and those images
(12:13):
and chase them, like your lifedepended on it, because it does.
If the room that you're indoesn't spark this feeling, it's
not the room for you, and thisis why Mojo is so important.
So many people I know are movinginto their 50s with no idea of
who they are.
I look at my dad.
He's 86, and his whole life wasdedicated to civil service and
(12:37):
after 46 years at the same job,he went into retirement having
absolutely no idea what he liked, what he wanted to do and what
made him happy.
I'll never forget the time mymom told me the story of one of
his first days of retirement,and so she was out in the
backyard and working on thegarden on a beautiful day and
dad went outside and kind of hadto look around and sheepishly
(12:59):
ambled over to where my mom wasand said what should we do?
And she rolled her eyes, asonly a wife of 40 years can do
and said that's for you tofigure out, my dear.
I've built my life.
I guess it's time for you tobuild the next chapter of yours.
Good luck with that.
I had to laugh, but I'm prettysure that that terrified him
greatly, and, without the skills, self-awareness or courage to
(13:24):
ask for help, he just did whathe's always done.
So to this day, he goes to hisoffice and does office work,
because that's the only thing henever knew and he asked no
further questions.
Now, my dad was born in 1938, avery different time with very
different access to the thingsthat we have today, like
personal development andemotional intelligence.
(13:44):
So my point is that today wehave no more excuses.
We've made progress and it's upto us to create a world where
you can be you and I can be me,and those can be two different
things, and that's okay.
And it can change and evolve,and that's okay.
We can change our minds, andthat's okay.
I can be 46, unmarried, with nokids, and still have a life
(14:06):
with meaning and purpose and joy, something that for many
generations of women would havelanded them the sexy title of
spinster or been shunned orjudged for their choices.
But today I can choose my ownchoices and stand in my power
and create a life that is for me.
Because what are these normswe're confronting?
(14:27):
Anyway?
They started so long ago andbecame such a part of our
systems and education that wenever stopped to question it.
Look, I grew up living 10minutes from my high school and
15 minutes from my university,and at the time, in 1997, the
recipe was baked in Graduate,get your degree, get the time.
In 1997, the recipe was bakedin Graduate, get your degree,
(14:52):
get the job, live happily everafter.
That just didn't jive with me,so my 18 year old self decided
to take a different path, onethat honored me, and I cannot
tell you how proud I am of thatchick.
My point is despite rewritingthe script that had been handed
to me, my point is despiterewriting the script that had
been handed to me, no one cameto stop me, and in my intro I
talk about how the key to mojois living with intention and
paying attention, because theroot of a lot of our malaise is
(15:14):
autopilot routine, doing thingsone way because that's how it's
always been done.
But when we start attention, wecan uncover a lot of habits
that we inherited and just neverquestioned.
For example, like think abouthow many times a day you
apologize like for no reason.
Like when was the last timethat you bumped into an
(15:36):
inanimate object and apologized?
When was the last time that yousomeone was in your way and you
said sorry, I just got tosqueak by.
When was the last time thatsomeone was in your way and you
said sorry?
I just got to squeak by?
When was the last time youapologized for having a
different opinion than someone,or making a point and finishing
the sentence with does that makesense, girl?
Of course it does Stand yourground.
(15:57):
Or when was the last time thatyou apologized but it was to
keep the peace and avoidconfrontation, not because you
were at fault?
It's time to stop.
It's time to stop apologizingfor saying no, for saying sorry,
I can't make it.
Instead, we can say thanks forthe invite, but I can't make it
(16:19):
that day.
We need to stop apologizing forour emotions Sorry, I'm just
upset.
Instead, we can say I'm feelingemotional right now.
Period.
We need to stop apologizing forself-care Sorry, I just need a
break.
Instead, we can say I'm takinga break to recharge.
We need to stop apologizing forneeding help.
(16:42):
Sorry to bother you, can youhelp me with this thing?
Instead, we can say hey, canyou help me out with this?
I'm having some trouble.
So if you listen to thosedelightful alternatives, you're
going to see that ditching thesorry does not automatically
shift you into beingdisagreeable, which is a common
limiting belief for peoplepleasers.
(17:03):
Sorry, not sorry.
We're here to flip the script.
We are living in a reallyinteresting time where we have
privilege and education andrights and freedoms that our
parents just didn't, and I feellike this comes with a
responsibility to keep pushingourselves and demand more for
ourselves and lead the world toshow up differently and
(17:24):
normalize empowerment andauthenticity.
Because the truth is it's easyto stay small.
It can happen in a slow drip,little by little, one concession
at a time.
We give away our power, weadapt, we sacrifice, and every
time we do this, we give away alittle bit of who we are.
We betray a little bit of themagic that is who we are.
(17:44):
Every time someone asks us howwe're doing and we say I'm fine,
even when we're not, we arebetraying the truth that is
inside of us, that just wants toscream.
You know what?
I'm feeling exhausted andresentful, because I feel like I
do everything all the time andit goes unseen and unappreciated
and, quite frankly, I'm notsure how long I can keep doing
(18:09):
this, but I don't know how tostop and I forget how to stand
up for myself.
So I'm just going to say I'mfine.
So I want this episode to serveas a call to action to start
taking up space, start gettingto know your voice again, start
putting your own piece in firstplace and let it be something
that you control, not only to beconsidered after everyone else
is taken care of.
Because your exhaustion is nota trophy, your silence does not
(18:33):
win you a gold star.
Burnout is not an achievement,and success that comes after
you've taxed yourself to a pointof depletion fatigue and takes
an axe to your well-being.
That's not success.
That is survival mode dressedup as ambition.
And the trick is that you arethe only one who is able to tell
(18:55):
when those alarm bells go off,and it's your job to get out of
there safely, and I know you cando it.
I'll never forget the time thatI finally woke up to the reality
of how small I'd been livingand how much of my noble
sacrifices in the name ofkeeping the peace, how much that
was really costing me.
So, to set the scene, mymarriage had been in trouble for
(19:16):
a while.
Communication was off,expectations were set and
bypassed, promises were made butnot honored, boundaries were
set and ignored.
Yet I kept the peace and heldout hope that something would
shift, something would change.
I just had to stay strong, stayquiet, leave space for change
to happen, keep the water still,don't spook the bear, and maybe
(19:36):
something would magically fallinto alignment Now.
I was living in France at thetime and I speak French fluently
, but there was still a culturegap and a language gap, because
they speak so fast and there'sso much slang, and there was a
lot of head nodding while Ipieced together what people were
saying and this made my voiceand my ability to fully show up
(19:56):
as myself kind of handicappedand it impacted my self-image
and my confidence like big time.
But it wasn't immediatelyobvious and, like I said, it was
a slow drip.
It happened little by littleover time.
So fast forward a bit.
I'm there in my kitchen and Iwant to leave for work and I
want the apartment to be clean.
Now my husband at the time hadthis fancy dancy iced tea
(20:20):
pitcher and it seemed toconstantly need cleaning after
being filled with like gingerroots and mint leaves and
whatnot.
Now I had made the mistake ofcleaning this contraption before
and I found out that I did itwrong.
So there I stood in my kitchenhaving this conversation with
myself Should I clean it?
(20:40):
I don't want to do it wrong.
I don't want to have that fightabout the iced tea maker again.
But I also value a cleanapartment and I don't want to
have the whole house lookinggood, but this one thing left
for him to clean.
Is he going to think that I'mbeing passive, aggressive if I
leave it for him to clean?
I don't want to start a fight,but I want to come home to a
clean apartment.
And what if this happens?
(21:01):
And what if he says that?
And what if that happens?
Is what the actual fuck am Idoing?
This was the thought that camescreaming into my consciousness,
like a siren begging me to wakeup and see how small I'd made
myself in that moment.
I followed it up with anempowering and my now most
(21:21):
favorite mantra it's simple andclear.
Empowering and my now mostfavorite mantra it's simple and
clear.
I decide.
I decide to have the fight ornot.
I decide to clean the thing myway or not.
I decide how I'm going tonavigate this, but I have to do
it with awareness andauthenticity and accept what
comes from it.
Now, this mantra is as scary asit is empowering, but we know
(21:45):
we can do hard things.
And remember those women thatwe discussed at the top of the
show the women who suffered insilence were four times more
likely to die after keepingtheir grief and grievances to
themselves.
Now, at the time, I didn't knowabout this study, but my
intuition sure did.
It knew that my peace was worthfighting for, that my peace of
(22:06):
mind was my responsibility, andpassing off my hardships to
someone else for work I wasn'tgoing to do wasn't going to get
me anywhere.
In fact, it would anchor meeven more into living a life of
accommodations and sacrifice andcompromise, and while I
absolutely acknowledge thatthese are important components
to a relationship, they shouldnot be driving the bus.
(22:27):
At best they can make guestappearances, but they are not
the stars of the show if youwant a healthy, equitable
relationship.
So I looked at myself hard inthe mirror and committed to
change.
I committed to reprioritizingmy voice my needs and tapping
into some courage to show updifferently.
(22:48):
And I knew this wasn't going tohappen overnight, but one
conversation, one confrontationat a time.
I would begin to take up morespace, advocate for what I need,
stand firm in what I waswilling to tolerate and give
myself permission to addresswhat I wasn't willing to
tolerate.
And what I can tell you now,with five years of perspective
(23:10):
from that moment, is that mydecision to reprioritize myself
is one that I have to make everysingle day, because a lesson
learned is a lesson applied, andI failed many times since then,
but I'm also happy to reportthat I've gotten better at it
too, and in my role as afull-time caretaker for my dad.
(23:31):
Right now it's so easy tosurrender my needs and put them
in a solid second place, but itonly takes a bit of burnout and
overwhelm to remind me of thatpromise that I made to myself in
the mirror five years ago, andI'm getting better at reminding
myself and taking steps andbuilding routines that help me
do this, and I'm braver now andI can ask for help now and I'm
(23:54):
no longer afraid to be a botherand identify my needs and it's
still a bit scary sometimes, andbeing brave doesn't feel brave,
it feels terrifying, until youstop and reflect and remember
that you're safe, and rememberthat you're strong and that you
did the hard thing.
And that is an amazing feeling,and it's all created by you.
Isn't that wonderful?
(24:17):
So, my friends, let's recap andset some intentions for the week
based on what we learned today.
Number one we are born to beheard, seen and take up space.
We are going to act accordinglyand unapologetically.
Number two speaking ofapologizing, we will stop
apologizing for the chair webumped into, the person we
disagree with and the help weare worthy of receiving.
(24:38):
Number three we will show up inthe world in a way that honors
ourselves and our goals and putsourselves in rooms that light
us up, not ones that dim ourshine.
And just like that, your pocketis officially full of mojo.
Can you feel it?
If you're looking for more mojo, I got you.
This is the perfect time to getout of the winter blues and
(24:59):
reboot your mojo with aseven-day mojo makeover
challenge.
No matter where you're at, thisoffer will guide you through
mantras, insights and activitiesthat will leave you feeling
transformed, reconnected withyour best stuff.
You can click that link belowand start right away and
integrating these game-changingtools and thoughts and ideas
that will boost your mojo andboost your life.
(25:22):
Make sure you smash thatsubscribe button because next
week I'm coming back with apowerful episode about
self-image.
How it may be on the surface,but it's far from shallow.
Be sure to come back while weunpack that together.
So until next time, be fearless, insist on fun and find joy in
everything you do.
Thank you so much for showingup today.
(25:43):
I love you, toodaloo kangaroo.
self-love is not self-made.
It's not just about how we showup for ourselves.
It's about how we show up inthe world as ourselves.
We live in a society that isheavily based on roles.
You're a wife, you're a husband, you're a sister, you're a
brother, you're a mother, you'rea father, you're a plumber,
(00:34):
you're an author, you're adoctor.
All of these roles depend onhow other people see you, but
none of these roles are worth adamn if you're not you.
You exist, you have value.
You are worthy of expressingyour wishes, your desires, your
opinions, not so that you canfit in, but so that you can find
(00:57):
the place in the world whereyou truly belong.
Today we're going to look atthe difference between fitting
in and belonging, and whathappens when we live safe and
live small and practical tips toidentify where we can flip the
script and get back to owning.
The most important role thereis the role of being your true
self.
(01:17):
It's time to change the tides.
We are in a unique point inhistory, so if you want to be
part of the revolution, staytuned.
Let's get our hands on some ofthat mojo.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo,where you're you and I'm Steph,
and we tune in here to tap intosome mojo.
And if you're new here andasking what's mojo, well, mojo
(01:43):
is that feeling of unshakableconfidence, that booming
self-worth.
Like you're an unstoppableforce of nature, and I'm here to
show you how you can have thatfeeling every single day.
And, the best part, you can doit too.
You're ready, you can startright from where you are.
You see, I think I've crackedthe code to being happy.
(02:03):
I'm happy all the freaking timeEvery day, at least most of the
day, possibly to an annoyingdegree.
But hey, I wasn't always thisway, not to flex, but I have had
multiple breakdowns on multiplecontinents and in two languages
.
Look, three years ago, my wholelife was a dumpster fire.
I lost my marriage and I lostmy mom within weeks of each
(02:26):
other.
I left a home in France that Ilove and I had to start from the
bottom, start from scratch.
And today I'm better than I'veever been, and I know that
you're asking well, how to dothat?
Well, by paying attention andby living with more intention.
And so I've created thisself-love first aid kit, and
(02:47):
it's full of amazing tools thathelp me level up, navigate life
with that main character energyand navigate life's ups and
downs, with grace and awarenessthat I have everything I need.
And a hot take here you haveeverything you need and I'm not
here to gatekeep.
I want to show you how you cantoo.
In fact, I'm on a mission.
I want to help you tap intoyour best stuff and remember
(03:11):
that you have everything thatyou need to live your own life
on your own terms.
So in today's episode, we'regoing to replace our usual
mantra work with some full moonfever.
We're going to uncover why welive small and play safe and,
finally, we're going to learnhow to flip the script on living
apologetically and step intoour power.
(03:33):
What a delicious menu of topics.
I'm feeling fired up.
So, without further ado, let'sget to the part where your mojo
meets the road.
Let's get to the part whereyour mojo meets the road.
Hello and welcome to Pocketfulof Mojo.
Once again, I'm Steph.
(03:54):
I'm your mojo maven, youremotional Sherpa, that friend
that you can talk to about yourfeelings, and I'm so glad you're
here.
Quick reminder am I a therapist?
No, do I have a degree inpsychology?
Also, no, I'm a flawed humanand a recovering people pleaser
who's just figured out how totap into our best stuff.
We're literally born witheverything that we need, so I'm
(04:14):
here to remind you of howawesome you are and point you in
the direction of some toolsthat will help you remember that
you're worthy to live the lifeyou love and love the life you
live you in, let's go.
So today I want to do somethinga little different.
We're here today, the 13th ofFebruary and coming in hard to a
full moon, and I have theprivilege of knowing a fabulous
(04:38):
woman, alina Ramazanova, abrilliant astrotherapist, who is
a fountain of amazing knowledgeand insight, and thanks to her,
I was inspired to do thespecial practice for the full
moon and I wanted to share itwith you.
It's about releasing what nolonger serves you and leaning
into the themes of a full moonin Leo, which are
self-expression, creativity,courage and all the good things
(05:01):
that make you your authenticself, and release the things
that don't serve you.
So her recommended activity isone that I did last night and I
wanted to share it with you, andso the activity starts with a
little bit of you time, a momentwhere it's just you and your
thoughts, undistracted,uninterrupted, and if you can do
that, it's already a win.
I know it can be hard.
(05:22):
It took me three tries, butwith intention, this is going to
change the game.
So the next thing you want to dois grab a pen, piece of paper
old school and reflect andcapture what you want to release
.
What's holding you back?
What are the fears, the habits,the grudges, the old patterns
that you want to get rid of?
Think about what situations,people, thoughts, limiting
(05:45):
beliefs, what have you beencarrying around that could use
the old heave-ho?
Write it all down.
Let your heart and mind guideyour pen.
I did this myself last nightand I wanted to share with you
what it looks like.
So here we go February fullmoon release.
I want to let go of my fear,release me from this chapter.
(06:07):
I want to release my sedentaryhabits.
I want to release my late nightcravings.
I want to release myinexperience and insecurity
around asking for what I want.
I want to release my moneyblocks and step into financial
abundance and wealth knowledge.
I want to release my moneyblocks and step into financial
abundance and wealth knowledge.
I want to release my resentmentof my situation.
(06:28):
I want to release my limitingbeliefs and be more curious and
maintain productivity.
I want to let go of anynegative self-image, self-talk I
have and step into my power andcourage.
I want to let go of my need forperfection and order and
(06:49):
control.
I want to release the unhealthyhabits that diminish my worth
by settling for less.
So there you go.
That's my list.
That's my agreement betweenmyself and the universe that I
give permission to no longerengage with those things that
don't define me, that no longermake sense to me, and that now I
(07:10):
have the awareness that theyaren't helping me get where I
want to go and they might evenbe slowing me down.
And now we burn the list.
You see, fire is the moon'selement, so we enter a contract
and a conversation with all thatfull moon's energy, so it can
help guide our new actions andnew commitments, and we can do
(07:30):
this with the wind on our back.
Alina is also really clear to bemindful about giving yourself
some grace during the full moon.
Give yourself extra permissionto rest, meditate, do some
breath, work and just generallybe a bit more gentle with
yourself.
Thanks, moon, don't have to askme twice.
(07:53):
So, as I safely burn my list, Iwish for myself and for you,
sweet listener, that this be atime of positive change,
personal transformation for thebetter, and growth beyond your
imagination.
Thank you again to Alina forthis powerful exercise.
I've tagged her in the shownotes, so be sure to check her
out.
She is a daily source ofinspiration for me and she has
so much insight and value thatshe brings to the world.
(08:13):
You will learn something fromher, guaranteed Ugh.
I'm feeling lighter already.
Now let me be clear.
This next statement is foreveryone.
Women in particular have beenprogrammed not to say no.
I was listening to Gabor Matethe other day and he was
referencing a study thatfollowed 2,000 women.
(08:34):
The women that were unhappilymarried and stayed but didn't
express their feelings, were,get this, four times more likely
to die than those who were inunhappy marriages and did say
something.
Now, they were still unhappy,but they lived their authentic
truth.
The takeaway here is that theissue isn't happiness, it's
(08:56):
authenticity.
Keeping your feelings bottled,your thoughts and ideas
unexpressed, is possibly one ofthe most toxic things that we
can do to ourselves, and societypushes us to be this way.
But we can stand up, we cantake up space, we can rebel
against these old systems, and Idon't know about you, but I
signed no contract saying that Iwould uphold these systems that
(09:19):
are designed to keep me down.
So the key takeaway here say nomore often, honor yourself.
Now the title of this episodehow to Stop Apologizing for
Existing a wee bit dramatic, Iwill give you that, but it's
intended to be a bit jarring.
Let's have a closer look.
(09:39):
When it comes to the differencebetween fitting in and belonging
, they couldn't be moredifferent, despite sounding like
exactly the same thing.
You see, fitting in is when youmake accommodations to go with
the flow Holding back a commenthere, repressing a feeling or
two there, then making yourselfjust the right size to make sure
(10:01):
that you're in harmony withthose around you and compatible
and palpable for the environment, that you're in Smooth sailing,
easy breezy.
As a long-practiced peoplepleaser, this was pretty much my
MO for many, many years, and Icould never understand why my
accommodations never left mefeeling less lonely, no matter
how many spaces I tried to fitinto.
(10:22):
But then I learned aboutbelonging Now.
Belonging is being in a roomthat lights you up.
It's talking with someone andseeing their eyes widen with
interest when you talk aboutsomething you're passionate
about, or starting aconversation and holding space
for each other, and in the blinkof an eye, two hours have gone
by Now.
When I put belonging under amicroscope, I was able to pick
(10:45):
out a few things that happen ina room where you belong as
opposed to one where you fit in.
And when you belong, you'rebeing true to yourself, you're
laughing without holding back,you're sharing your quirks and
you feel safe doing it, and youfeel seen and heard.
When someone says I get it, Ifeel that way too and you know
(11:06):
that they mean it.
When there's like inside jokesand shared moments and like you
share a look with someone andyou know that they just get it,
or you both crack up because youshare the same joke, there's
that mutual support and noscorekeeping.
You know knowing that you cancall someone at two in the
morning and they'd show up foryou and hold space for you with
(11:28):
no questions, no guilt.
It's having someone in yourlife that will cheer just as
loudly for your small victoriesas for the big ones.
It's people who walk in wheneveryone else is walking out.
There's no mask, there's noperformance.
You can show up on your bestday and your worst and still be
accepted.
When you can just sit togetherand say nothing and feel
(11:51):
completely connected, becausebelonging isn't about fitting in
.
It's about being known, seen.
Now, I'm sure that while I waslisting these things, you had
images and thoughts flyingthrough your head and you were
able to pinpoint moments in yourlife where you felt this way,
and I want you to hold on tothat feeling and those images
(12:13):
and chase them, like your lifedepended on it, because it does.
If the room that you're indoesn't spark this feeling, it's
not the room for you, and thisis why Mojo is so important.
So many people I know are movinginto their 50s with no idea of
who they are.
I look at my dad.
He's 86, and his whole life wasdedicated to civil service and
(12:37):
after 46 years at the same job,he went into retirement having
absolutely no idea what he liked, what he wanted to do and what
made him happy.
I'll never forget the time mymom told me the story of one of
his first days of retirement,and so she was out in the
backyard and working on thegarden on a beautiful day and
dad went outside and kind of hadto look around and sheepishly
(12:59):
ambled over to where my mom wasand said what should we do?
And she rolled her eyes, asonly a wife of 40 years can do
and said that's for you tofigure out, my dear.
I've built my life.
I guess it's time for you tobuild the next chapter of yours.
Good luck with that.
I had to laugh, but I'm prettysure that that terrified him
greatly, and, without the skills, self-awareness or courage to
(13:24):
ask for help, he just did whathe's always done.
So to this day, he goes to hisoffice and does office work,
because that's the only thing henever knew and he asked no
further questions.
Now, my dad was born in 1938, avery different time with very
different access to the thingsthat we have today, like
personal development andemotional intelligence.
(13:44):
So my point is that today wehave no more excuses.
We've made progress and it's upto us to create a world where
you can be you and I can be me,and those can be two different
things, and that's okay.
And it can change and evolve,and that's okay.
We can change our minds, andthat's okay.
I can be 46, unmarried, with nokids, and still have a life
(14:06):
with meaning and purpose and joy, something that for many
generations of women would havelanded them the sexy title of
spinster or been shunned orjudged for their choices.
But today I can choose my ownchoices and stand in my power
and create a life that is for me.
Because what are these normswe're confronting?
(14:27):
Anyway?
They started so long ago andbecame such a part of our
systems and education that wenever stopped to question it.
Look, I grew up living 10minutes from my high school and
15 minutes from my university,and at the time, in 1997, the
recipe was baked in Graduate,get your degree, get the time.
In 1997, the recipe was bakedin Graduate, get your degree,
(14:52):
get the job, live happily everafter.
That just didn't jive with me,so my 18 year old self decided
to take a different path, onethat honored me, and I cannot
tell you how proud I am of thatchick.
My point is despite rewritingthe script that had been handed
to me, my point is despiterewriting the script that had
been handed to me, no one cameto stop me, and in my intro I
talk about how the key to mojois living with intention and
paying attention, because theroot of a lot of our malaise is
(15:14):
autopilot routine, doing thingsone way because that's how it's
always been done.
But when we start attention, wecan uncover a lot of habits
that we inherited and just neverquestioned.
For example, like think abouthow many times a day you
apologize like for no reason.
Like when was the last timethat you bumped into an
(15:36):
inanimate object and apologized?
When was the last time that yousomeone was in your way and you
said sorry, I just got tosqueak by.
When was the last time thatsomeone was in your way and you
said sorry?
I just got to squeak by?
When was the last time youapologized for having a
different opinion than someone,or making a point and finishing
the sentence with does that makesense, girl?
Of course it does Stand yourground.
(15:57):
Or when was the last time thatyou apologized but it was to
keep the peace and avoidconfrontation, not because you
were at fault?
It's time to stop.
It's time to stop apologizingfor saying no, for saying sorry,
I can't make it.
Instead, we can say thanks forthe invite, but I can't make it
(16:19):
that day.
We need to stop apologizing forour emotions Sorry, I'm just
upset.
Instead, we can say I'm feelingemotional right now.
Period.
We need to stop apologizing forself-care Sorry, I just need a
break.
Instead, we can say I'm takinga break to recharge.
We need to stop apologizing forneeding help.
(16:42):
Sorry to bother you, can youhelp me with this thing?
Instead, we can say hey, canyou help me out with this?
I'm having some trouble.
So if you listen to thosedelightful alternatives, you're
going to see that ditching thesorry does not automatically
shift you into beingdisagreeable, which is a common
limiting belief for peoplepleasers.
(17:03):
Sorry, not sorry.
We're here to flip the script.
We are living in a reallyinteresting time where we have
privilege and education andrights and freedoms that our
parents just didn't, and I feellike this comes with a
responsibility to keep pushingourselves and demand more for
ourselves and lead the world toshow up differently and
(17:24):
normalize empowerment andauthenticity.
Because the truth is it's easyto stay small.
It can happen in a slow drip,little by little, one concession
at a time.
We give away our power, weadapt, we sacrifice, and every
time we do this, we give away alittle bit of who we are.
We betray a little bit of themagic that is who we are.
(17:44):
Every time someone asks us howwe're doing and we say I'm fine,
even when we're not, we arebetraying the truth that is
inside of us, that just wants toscream.
You know what?
I'm feeling exhausted andresentful, because I feel like I
do everything all the time andit goes unseen and unappreciated
and, quite frankly, I'm notsure how long I can keep doing
(18:09):
this, but I don't know how tostop and I forget how to stand
up for myself.
So I'm just going to say I'mfine.
So I want this episode to serveas a call to action to start
taking up space, start gettingto know your voice again, start
putting your own piece in firstplace and let it be something
that you control, not only to beconsidered after everyone else
is taken care of.
Because your exhaustion is nota trophy, your silence does not
(18:33):
win you a gold star.
Burnout is not an achievement,and success that comes after
you've taxed yourself to a pointof depletion fatigue and takes
an axe to your well-being.
That's not success.
That is survival mode dressedup as ambition.
And the trick is that you arethe only one who is able to tell
(18:55):
when those alarm bells go off,and it's your job to get out of
there safely, and I know you cando it.
I'll never forget the time thatI finally woke up to the reality
of how small I'd been livingand how much of my noble
sacrifices in the name ofkeeping the peace, how much that
was really costing me.
So, to set the scene, mymarriage had been in trouble for
(19:16):
a while.
Communication was off,expectations were set and
bypassed, promises were made butnot honored, boundaries were
set and ignored.
Yet I kept the peace and heldout hope that something would
shift, something would change.
I just had to stay strong, stayquiet, leave space for change
to happen, keep the water still,don't spook the bear, and maybe
(19:36):
something would magically fallinto alignment Now.
I was living in France at thetime and I speak French fluently
, but there was still a culturegap and a language gap, because
they speak so fast and there'sso much slang, and there was a
lot of head nodding while Ipieced together what people were
saying and this made my voiceand my ability to fully show up
(19:56):
as myself kind of handicappedand it impacted my self-image
and my confidence like big time.
But it wasn't immediatelyobvious and, like I said, it was
a slow drip.
It happened little by littleover time.
So fast forward a bit.
I'm there in my kitchen and Iwant to leave for work and I
want the apartment to be clean.
Now my husband at the time hadthis fancy dancy iced tea
(20:20):
pitcher and it seemed toconstantly need cleaning after
being filled with like gingerroots and mint leaves and
whatnot.
Now I had made the mistake ofcleaning this contraption before
and I found out that I did itwrong.
So there I stood in my kitchenhaving this conversation with
myself Should I clean it?
(20:40):
I don't want to do it wrong.
I don't want to have that fightabout the iced tea maker again.
But I also value a cleanapartment and I don't want to
have the whole house lookinggood, but this one thing left
for him to clean.
Is he going to think that I'mbeing passive, aggressive if I
leave it for him to clean?
I don't want to start a fight,but I want to come home to a
clean apartment.
And what if this happens?
(21:01):
And what if he says that?
And what if that happens?
Is what the actual fuck am Idoing?
This was the thought that camescreaming into my consciousness,
like a siren begging me to wakeup and see how small I'd made
myself in that moment.
I followed it up with anempowering and my now most
(21:21):
favorite mantra it's simple andclear.
Empowering and my now mostfavorite mantra it's simple and
clear.
I decide.
I decide to have the fight ornot.
I decide to clean the thing myway or not.
I decide how I'm going tonavigate this, but I have to do
it with awareness andauthenticity and accept what
comes from it.
Now, this mantra is as scary asit is empowering, but we know
(21:45):
we can do hard things.
And remember those women thatwe discussed at the top of the
show the women who suffered insilence were four times more
likely to die after keepingtheir grief and grievances to
themselves.
Now, at the time, I didn't knowabout this study, but my
intuition sure did.
It knew that my peace was worthfighting for, that my peace of
(22:06):
mind was my responsibility, andpassing off my hardships to
someone else for work I wasn'tgoing to do wasn't going to get
me anywhere.
In fact, it would anchor meeven more into living a life of
accommodations and sacrifice andcompromise, and while I
absolutely acknowledge thatthese are important components
to a relationship, they shouldnot be driving the bus.
(22:27):
At best they can make guestappearances, but they are not
the stars of the show if youwant a healthy, equitable
relationship.
So I looked at myself hard inthe mirror and committed to
change.
I committed to reprioritizingmy voice my needs and tapping
into some courage to show updifferently.
(22:48):
And I knew this wasn't going tohappen overnight, but one
conversation, one confrontationat a time.
I would begin to take up morespace, advocate for what I need,
stand firm in what I waswilling to tolerate and give
myself permission to addresswhat I wasn't willing to
tolerate.
And what I can tell you now,with five years of perspective
(23:10):
from that moment, is that mydecision to reprioritize myself
is one that I have to make everysingle day, because a lesson
learned is a lesson applied, andI failed many times since then,
but I'm also happy to reportthat I've gotten better at it
too, and in my role as afull-time caretaker for my dad.
(23:31):
Right now it's so easy tosurrender my needs and put them
in a solid second place, but itonly takes a bit of burnout and
overwhelm to remind me of thatpromise that I made to myself in
the mirror five years ago, andI'm getting better at reminding
myself and taking steps andbuilding routines that help me
do this, and I'm braver now andI can ask for help now and I'm
(23:54):
no longer afraid to be a botherand identify my needs and it's
still a bit scary sometimes, andbeing brave doesn't feel brave,
it feels terrifying, until youstop and reflect and remember
that you're safe, and rememberthat you're strong and that you
did the hard thing.
And that is an amazing feeling,and it's all created by you.
Isn't that wonderful?
(24:17):
So, my friends, let's recap andset some intentions for the week
based on what we learned today.
Number one we are born to beheard, seen and take up space.
We are going to act accordinglyand unapologetically.
Number two speaking ofapologizing, we will stop
apologizing for the chair webumped into, the person we
disagree with and the help weare worthy of receiving.
(24:38):
Number three we will show up inthe world in a way that honors
ourselves and our goals and putsourselves in rooms that light
us up, not ones that dim ourshine.
And just like that, your pocketis officially full of mojo.
Can you feel it?
If you're looking for more mojo, I got you.
This is the perfect time to getout of the winter blues and
(24:59):
reboot your mojo with aseven-day mojo makeover
challenge.
No matter where you're at, thisoffer will guide you through
mantras, insights and activitiesthat will leave you feeling
transformed, reconnected withyour best stuff.
You can click that link belowand start right away and
integrating these game-changingtools and thoughts and ideas
that will boost your mojo andboost your life.
(25:22):
Make sure you smash thatsubscribe button because next
week I'm coming back with apowerful episode about
self-image.
How it may be on the surface,but it's far from shallow.
Be sure to come back while weunpack that together.
So until next time, be fearless, insist on fun and find joy in
everything you do.
Thank you so much for showingup today.
(25:43):
I love you, toodaloo kangaroo.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com