January 30, 2025 • 20 mins
Establishing boundaries is crucial for protecting your peace, energy, and self-worth. This episode empowers listeners to recognize the importance of boundaries, provides strategies for setting them effectively, and challenges common misconceptions about their purpose.
• Boundaries are not selfish; they're essential for healthy relationships
• Recognizing signs that you need stronger boundaries
• Performing an energy audit to identify boundary deficiencies
• Common traps that keep people without boundaries
• Practical mindset reframes for overcoming guilt and fear
• Steps for clear communication and handling pushback
• Following through with boundaries for self-respect
• Encouragement to embrace and share boundary-setting experiences
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Today we're talking about boundaries, the ultimate
way to protect your peace, yourenergy and your self-worth.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo,where you're, you and I'm Steph,
and we tune in here to tap intosome mojo.
And if you're new here andyou're like, what's mojo?
Well, mojo is that feeling ofunshakable confidence, that
(00:38):
booming self-worth.
Like you're an unstoppableforce of nature and I'm here to
show you how you can have thatfeeling every single day.
You see, I think I've crackedthe code to being happy.
I'm happy all the freaking time, at least most of the day,
possibly to an annoying degree,but hey, I wasn't always this
way.
And not to flex, but I've hadmultiple breakdowns on multiple
(00:59):
continents and in two languages.
Look, three years ago, my wholelife dumpster fire.
Now I'm better than I've everbeen.
Well, how you ask?
By living with more intention,more attention.
And look, I've created thisreally great first aid kit of
self-care tips to help you tunein, tap in and turn on your mojo
.
I'm on a mission to help youtap into your best stuff and
(01:24):
just to remember that you haveeverything that you need to live
your life on your own terms.
And by the end of this episode,you're going to understand what
boundaries are and what theyaren't.
You're going to recognize thesign that maybe you need some
stronger boundaries.
You're going to learn how toset and enforce boundaries
without the guilt.
You're going to learn how toset and enforce boundaries
without the guilt, and you'regoing to discover some common
(01:47):
traps that keep people stuck ina boundary-less exhaustion.
You're going to feel empoweredto prioritize your needs without
fear of disappointing others.
How nice is that going to be.
You're going to leave thisepisode feeling lighter, more
empowered and ready to be aboundary boss.
So settle in.
(02:12):
We are here for some positivechange.
So let's dig in to where yourmojo meets the road.
Hello and welcome to the secondepisode of the second season of
Pocketful of Mojo.
And once again, I'm Steph.
I'm your Mojo Maven, I'm youremotional Sherpa, I'm that
friend that you can talk toabout your feelings, and I'm so
glad you're here.
Quick reminder am I a therapist?
(02:34):
No, do I have a degree inpsychology?
Also, no, I am a flawed humanbeing and I'm a recovering
people pleaser who has justfigured out how to tap into our
best stuff.
We are literally born witheverything that we need, so I'm
going to be here to reflect yourawesomeness back to you.
We're going to smash thoselimiting beliefs and hook you up
(02:58):
with some inspiration andmotivation to live the life you
love and love the life you liveyou in.
Let's go, let's talk about whatboundaries actually are and what
they aren't.
So the definition simply put,boundaries are the invisible
lines that define what's okayand what's not okay for you.
They are there to protect yourtime, your energy, your emotions
(03:22):
and your overall well-being.
And a quick reminder you're incharge of those things.
So when I was learning aboutboundaries for the first time, I
was struck with the termstolerate and compromise, and if
these words show up a lot in howyou operate in your
relationships, this is for you.
So now that we know whatboundaries are and why they're
(03:46):
awesome, let's have a look atwhat boundaries are not.
Boundaries are not about beingselfish.
You don't have to be rude andyou don't have to shout people
out.
It's just about creatinghealthier relationships, first
with yourself and then withothers.
Look, everyone likes you whenyou don't have any boundaries.
(04:07):
This is a fact.
It's super convenient forpeople to take what they need of
your time, your energy, yourexpertise, your emotional
capacity, and they do it forfree.
And let me tell you, babe, it'snot cool.
You have things to do andyou're not here to take care of
everyone all the time.
You don't even like everyoneall the time.
So, despite what your guilt andthe old systems may try to tell
(04:32):
you, you have things that youwant to do, but if you never
have time to do them, this iswhere boundaries come in to save
the day.
So, to bring up a real lifeexample, think of a boundary
like a fence around your house.
It's not a wall, it has a gateand you get to decide who comes
in and for how long and underwhat conditions.
(04:54):
A great quote from Mark GrovesWalls keep everybody out.
Boundaries simply show themwhere to find the door.
Now let's look at how you knowyou need boundaries.
Well, here are some red flagsthat might point that you're
lacking some boundaries.
So easy one you say yes whenyou really want to say no.
(05:16):
Or maybe you feel drained afterworking or interacting with
certain people.
Or maybe you take on theresponsibility of fixing other
people's problems until you haveno time for your own.
Or maybe you fear that peoplewill just get upset or leave if
you set some limits or, worseyet, confrontation.
Or maybe you've gotoverachiever syndrome and you've
(05:39):
overextended yourself and youend up resentful.
Look, the key here is thatresentment is a sign that you've
overstepped your own boundaries.
Resentment is an ugly monsterand it's a five-alarm indication
that there's some boundary workto do.
But I've got you, so let'sfigure out how we can get ahead
(05:59):
of this monster and slay anyway.
So the first activity I wantyou to do is easy peasy, it's an
energy audit.
So the first activity I wantyou to do is easy peasy, it's an
energy audit.
You write down three things inyour life that feel exhausting,
overwhelming or frustrating andyou're like why am I saying yes
when I should be saying no?
And then you want to reflectand say what boundary can I
(06:22):
create that would change thisdynamic?
Now it's okay to be like uh,life in general is exhausting,
overwhelming and frustrating.
How can I come up with a list?
Fair enough, my friend, theseare crazy Handmaid's Tale-like
times.
That is not lost on me, whichmakes it more important than
(06:43):
ever.
No better time to start.
So the key here is to zero in onwhat you can control.
You still own your schedule,your friend list and what you
consider a responsibility.
You get to choose.
This is your time to empoweryourself with a determination to
make these changes.
(07:04):
Remember, any changes are meantto enhance your life and to
make space for more of what youlove.
Period.
You choose the volume of thenoise, so let's keep going and
take our power back, shall we?
Now let's have a look at how wegot here.
There's a few traps that mighttry to keep you stuck without
(07:26):
boundaries, but if we exposethem right here, right now, we
can reflect on how these thingsshow up in our own lives.
And once you spot them, theyhave far less power because
awareness has shown up to theparty.
So let's expose these traps andget ahead of the game.
So here's some common boundarypitfalls the nice person trap
(07:50):
Maybe you don't likedisappointing people, so you
avoid setting boundaries andeverything is yes, yes, yes.
There's also the martyr mindsetyou believe that you should
handle everything for everyone,and maybe it's a lack of
confidence in your entourage ora role that you've just simply
been playing due to the systems,education, society.
Ring a bell, and this one canbe a little bit easier to
(08:14):
dismantle with a simple didanyone ask me to do this?
And then there's the fear ofconflict.
This is a loop and you avoidboundaries because you don't
want to rock the boat, and I amfamous for this.
I was allergic to conflict fora long time but, fun fact, when
(08:34):
you have boundaries it actuallyhelps avoid conflict.
It keeps the waters crystalclear.
We'll get more to that in aminute.
But then finally, there's theguilt spiral.
You set a boundary and then youfeel bad about it.
So you go back on it Becausedoing the thing feels less bad
than feeling guilty for like asecond.
(08:55):
Do not fall into this trap, mypeople.
Guilt is a self-inflicted woundand most often, on closer
inspection, completelyunnecessary.
So let's do a little activity.
We're going to learn how torewrite the script.
We're going to create someboundary setting reframes.
In this activity.
We're rewriting the unhelpfulnarratives that we've been
(09:18):
carrying around like brokenluggage, the things that we say
to keep ourselves stuck in thatpeople-pleasing, boundaryless
exhaustion.
Here's some examples of how toshift your mindset and the
language when facing each trap.
Let's have a look.
Trap number one the nice persontrap.
(09:38):
So fear is going to tell you ifI say no, they'll think I'm
selfish.
But the boundary boss reframethat you're going to say to
yourself is being kind doesn'tmean being available 24-7.
I can care about others andstill protect my time.
Now here's what to say instead.
(09:59):
When someone asks you to dosomething you either don't want
to do or don't have time orenergy to do it, you used to say
, okay, I guess I can do it,even though you don't want to.
Instead, you can say I'd loveto help, but I just can't commit
right now.
Easy, right.
And you used to say I don'twant to be difficult, so I'll
(10:19):
just say yes.
So now you can say I appreciateyou thinking of me, but I just
can't take this on.
I hope you find the rightperson for it, and you'll be
surprised how little conflictactually comes from this one.
It may feel like you're thefirst person ever to set a
boundary.
It may feel like you're thefirst person ever to set a
boundary.
It's going to feel that way,but it's okay.
(10:40):
They'll get it or they won't.
But this is you standing up foryou, and there's strength on
the other side of this milddiscomfort, I promise.
Now for the trap number two.
That martyr mindset, that oldbelief, is telling you that it's
my job to handle everything foreveryone.
But the new reframe is my needsmatter just as much as everyone
(11:04):
else's.
I don't have to set myself onfire to keep others warm.
So what you can say instead ofI'll take care of it, even
though you're overwhelmed, youcan say you know what I'm at
capacity right now.
Can we find another solutiontogether?
Or I have to do it or no oneelse will.
They won't do it the way that Ilike to do it.
(11:25):
Instead, you can say toyourself it's okay to let others
step up.
I trust that they can handle it.
And this one can beparticularly tricky because it
also involves letting go.
And this one can beparticularly tricky because it
also involves letting go Becausemaybe they're going to do it
differently or less than howyou'd do it, and you have to be
okay with that.
You're doing this for yourgreater good, which is your
(11:48):
well-being.
Now let's look at the fear ofconflict loop.
Now this fear is going to tellyou if I set a boundary, people
are going to get mad and they'regoing to leave, but the
boundary boss reframe.
The right people will respectmy boundaries and the ones who
don't benefit from me not havingany.
So, instead of saying toyourself I don't want to upset
(12:09):
them, so I'm just going to goalong with it.
You can say out loud Iunderstand this might be
unexpected, but this is whatworks best for me.
And instead of saying I don'twant to start a fight, you can
say I value our relationship andI want to be honest about what
I can and can't do.
Look, this one in particularwill give you evidence very
(12:30):
quickly of who's in it for youand who's in it for what you can
do for them.
And this can bring on sometemporary heartbreak.
So it's important to honor thatgrief that comes when you let
go of those kinds ofrelationships.
But they don't serve youanymore.
And if you struggle with this,you are not alone.
But remember, this too shallpass, and on the other side,
(12:52):
you're going to be stronger andyou're going to have a much more
supportive tribe around you.
You're going to feel thedifference.
Now let's move on to trap numberfour, the guilt spiral.
So that old belief is going tosay I set a boundary, but now I
feel bad about it.
But the game-changing reframeis that guilt is a sign that I'm
(13:13):
breaking an old pattern, notthat I did something wrong.
So when you hear yourselfsaying I feel bad, maybe I
should just give in.
Come back with this.
Discomfort means that I'mgrowing.
I don't have to change my mindjust because it feels new.
And if you find yourself actingunlike your old self, maybe I
was too harsh.
(13:34):
No, I was clear and kind.
And if they don't like myboundary, that's their work to
do, not mine.
Look if honoring yourself is anew trend for you.
It's important to give yourselfsome grace.
Dial up the awareness of whatyou're feeling, because change
is sticky, but that discomfortis temporary.
(13:54):
The feeling of empowerment, ofsetting and sticking to a
boundary is like sweet, sweetself-care nectar, and it's going
to encourage you to keep goingand review where else in your
life you could maybe use someboundaries.
So keep going.
You've got this.
Now a big final takeaway Justremember boundaries don't push
(14:15):
people away.
They teach people how torespect you.
Your peace is worth it and whenit comes to how to set and
maintain boundaries, there'sjust four easy steps, so let's
walk through them together.
Step one you got to get clear onwhat you need.
Ask yourself what do I needmore of?
More time, more alone time,more support, more time to chase
(14:38):
your dreams you choose.
There's no needs police that'sgoing to come and tell you that
you're doing it right or doingit wrong.
Trust your gut, it knows theway.
And then you can ask yourselfwhat do I need less of?
Do I need less to-do lists,less being late for things
because I'm always running lessobligations?
(14:58):
And then finally ask yourselfwhat's draining me Doing things
to help others succeed when yourgoals are collecting dust?
Maybe you need a new plan,following the same rinse and
repeat routine, leaving no roomfor creativity or
self-expression, or even takingthe time to figure out what your
(15:19):
own needs are.
Look, keeping the peace andswallowing all your own
ambitions because making spacefor them seems impossible.
This is where the real workbegins.
Now that your needs are going tobe clear and specific, you can
stand up for yourself byadvocating for what you need,
(15:39):
which brings us to step numbertwo.
Communicate clearly andconfidently.
Use those I statements.
I can't take on extra work thisweek, but I'd love to help next
time.
Look no more over explainingit's not needed.
You will be tempted.
You'll want to convince peopleof your needs.
You don't have to Stop it,which is the perfect segue to
(16:05):
number three.
Handle pushback like a pro.
You're going to want to expectresistance Because people who
benefited from your lack ofboundaries they're not going to
like this change.
Boundaries can show them thedoor.
They can stay on your terms orfind someone else to profit from
.
Period, you can hold yourground and do it with kindness.
(16:28):
Look, I understand this is new,but this is important for me.
And if someone tries to say,yeah, but you used to do this
for me and you used to do that,it wasn't a problem before.
You can acknowledge that andsay you're right and I found
that that caused me moreproblems than it solved.
So, moving forward, I'm justgoing to be doing things a
little bit differently.
I hope you understand thatdidn't sound mean.
(16:51):
That didn't sound rude.
It just sounded like you werecreating space for you to
protect your own interests, andthat's step number four Follow
through without guilt.
Boundaries without action isjust wishes.
So stick to your limits.
So think of one thing you cando this week where you can say
no.
You can say it out loud, usinga firm and friendly tone,
(17:14):
because it is what A completesentence.
Remember that when you say no,thank you with a smile.
There's really no comeback tothat.
Just remember that.
Boundaries it's all aboutself-respect, people who love
and respect you.
They're going to adjust.
They're going to love this foryou, because it's not your job
(17:34):
to manage other people'sreactions Ain't nobody got time
for that.
Setting boundaries isn'trejection, it's protection.
You will observe changes inyour relationships because you
are changing, and so are theterms and conditions of your
relationships.
A doormat no more.
And your final challenge thisweek I want you to pick one
(17:56):
small boundary to set this week.
Commit to it.
Look boundaries they're notgoing to push people away.
They're going to show peoplehow to love you better, how to
respect you better.
So go out there and own yourspace, your energy, take up
space, use your voice andprotect your peace.
You are in charge.
(18:17):
You choose where you spend yourtime and energy and you don't
owe anyone anything beforeyou've honored yourself.
The name of this game is Me.
First.
Try it on, see how it fits.
So quick recap of what welearned today.
Oh my God, so much.
Protect boundaries.
They protect your time, energyand your well-being.
(18:38):
If you're feeling exhausted,resentful, overwhelmed, probably
need to work on some boundaries.
People pleasing it keeps youstuck in exhaustion.
These activities that wecovered today are your off ramp
from the people pleasing freewayof frustration.
Number four saying no doesn'tmake you mean, makes you healthy
(18:59):
.
It makes you strong.
And boundaries aren't justabout others.
They're about you respectingyourself.
So did our little chat aboutboundaries leave you wanting
more?
Well, by all means, I encourageyou to share your boundary wins
on social media using a hashtagpocketful of mojo boundaries
and we can celebrate ourboundary boss babe era together.
(19:22):
If you're looking for more waysto give your mojo a glow up, be
sure to check out the seven daymojo makeover Challenge in the
show notes.
It's seven days of mantras andmini challenges where you get to
reboot and refill your cup sothat you can show up for
yourself like never before.
So if this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend who
needs to hear it.
(19:42):
Be sure to rate, review,subscribe.
It helps more people find theshow.
Let's keep this conversationgoing.
Dm me your biggest boundary winthis week.
I'd love to hear all about itand be sure to tune in next week
when we unpack the prickly pearthat is perfectionism the cost
(20:03):
of good enough versus perfect.
We're going to look atstrategies to embrace
imperfection and we're going togo through some stories of how
letting go leads tobreakthroughs.
It's a do not miss episode, sobe sure to subscribe to make
sure that your mojo doesn't missa single minute.
I've got so much great stuff toshare with you, so be sure to
(20:24):
tune in next week.
And until then, stay classy,stay kind and put love in
everything you do.
This has been Steph withPocketful of Mojo A ciao for now
.
Today we're talking about boundaries, the ultimate
way to protect your peace, yourenergy and your self-worth.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo,where you're, you and I'm Steph,
and we tune in here to tap intosome mojo.
And if you're new here andyou're like, what's mojo?
Well, mojo is that feeling ofunshakable confidence, that
(00:38):
booming self-worth.
Like you're an unstoppableforce of nature and I'm here to
show you how you can have thatfeeling every single day.
You see, I think I've crackedthe code to being happy.
I'm happy all the freaking time, at least most of the day,
possibly to an annoying degree,but hey, I wasn't always this
way.
And not to flex, but I've hadmultiple breakdowns on multiple
(00:59):
continents and in two languages.
Look, three years ago, my wholelife dumpster fire.
Now I'm better than I've everbeen.
Well, how you ask?
By living with more intention,more attention.
And look, I've created thisreally great first aid kit of
self-care tips to help you tunein, tap in and turn on your mojo
.
I'm on a mission to help youtap into your best stuff and
(01:24):
just to remember that you haveeverything that you need to live
your life on your own terms.
And by the end of this episode,you're going to understand what
boundaries are and what theyaren't.
You're going to recognize thesign that maybe you need some
stronger boundaries.
You're going to learn how toset and enforce boundaries
without the guilt.
You're going to learn how toset and enforce boundaries
without the guilt, and you'regoing to discover some common
(01:47):
traps that keep people stuck ina boundary-less exhaustion.
You're going to feel empoweredto prioritize your needs without
fear of disappointing others.
How nice is that going to be.
You're going to leave thisepisode feeling lighter, more
empowered and ready to be aboundary boss.
So settle in.
(02:12):
We are here for some positivechange.
So let's dig in to where yourmojo meets the road.
Hello and welcome to the secondepisode of the second season of
Pocketful of Mojo.
And once again, I'm Steph.
I'm your Mojo Maven, I'm youremotional Sherpa, I'm that
friend that you can talk toabout your feelings, and I'm so
glad you're here.
Quick reminder am I a therapist?
(02:34):
No, do I have a degree inpsychology?
Also, no, I am a flawed humanbeing and I'm a recovering
people pleaser who has justfigured out how to tap into our
best stuff.
We are literally born witheverything that we need, so I'm
going to be here to reflect yourawesomeness back to you.
We're going to smash thoselimiting beliefs and hook you up
(02:58):
with some inspiration andmotivation to live the life you
love and love the life you liveyou in.
Let's go, let's talk about whatboundaries actually are and what
they aren't.
So the definition simply put,boundaries are the invisible
lines that define what's okayand what's not okay for you.
They are there to protect yourtime, your energy, your emotions
(03:22):
and your overall well-being.
And a quick reminder you're incharge of those things.
So when I was learning aboutboundaries for the first time, I
was struck with the termstolerate and compromise, and if
these words show up a lot in howyou operate in your
relationships, this is for you.
So now that we know whatboundaries are and why they're
(03:46):
awesome, let's have a look atwhat boundaries are not.
Boundaries are not about beingselfish.
You don't have to be rude andyou don't have to shout people
out.
It's just about creatinghealthier relationships, first
with yourself and then withothers.
Look, everyone likes you whenyou don't have any boundaries.
(04:07):
This is a fact.
It's super convenient forpeople to take what they need of
your time, your energy, yourexpertise, your emotional
capacity, and they do it forfree.
And let me tell you, babe, it'snot cool.
You have things to do andyou're not here to take care of
everyone all the time.
You don't even like everyoneall the time.
So, despite what your guilt andthe old systems may try to tell
(04:32):
you, you have things that youwant to do, but if you never
have time to do them, this iswhere boundaries come in to save
the day.
So, to bring up a real lifeexample, think of a boundary
like a fence around your house.
It's not a wall, it has a gateand you get to decide who comes
in and for how long and underwhat conditions.
(04:54):
A great quote from Mark GrovesWalls keep everybody out.
Boundaries simply show themwhere to find the door.
Now let's look at how you knowyou need boundaries.
Well, here are some red flagsthat might point that you're
lacking some boundaries.
So easy one you say yes whenyou really want to say no.
(05:16):
Or maybe you feel drained afterworking or interacting with
certain people.
Or maybe you take on theresponsibility of fixing other
people's problems until you haveno time for your own.
Or maybe you fear that peoplewill just get upset or leave if
you set some limits or, worseyet, confrontation.
Or maybe you've gotoverachiever syndrome and you've
(05:39):
overextended yourself and youend up resentful.
Look, the key here is thatresentment is a sign that you've
overstepped your own boundaries.
Resentment is an ugly monsterand it's a five-alarm indication
that there's some boundary workto do.
But I've got you, so let'sfigure out how we can get ahead
(05:59):
of this monster and slay anyway.
So the first activity I wantyou to do is easy peasy, it's an
energy audit.
So the first activity I wantyou to do is easy peasy, it's an
energy audit.
You write down three things inyour life that feel exhausting,
overwhelming or frustrating andyou're like why am I saying yes
when I should be saying no?
And then you want to reflectand say what boundary can I
(06:22):
create that would change thisdynamic?
Now it's okay to be like uh,life in general is exhausting,
overwhelming and frustrating.
How can I come up with a list?
Fair enough, my friend, theseare crazy Handmaid's Tale-like
times.
That is not lost on me, whichmakes it more important than
(06:43):
ever.
No better time to start.
So the key here is to zero in onwhat you can control.
You still own your schedule,your friend list and what you
consider a responsibility.
You get to choose.
This is your time to empoweryourself with a determination to
make these changes.
(07:04):
Remember, any changes are meantto enhance your life and to
make space for more of what youlove.
Period.
You choose the volume of thenoise, so let's keep going and
take our power back, shall we?
Now let's have a look at how wegot here.
There's a few traps that mighttry to keep you stuck without
(07:26):
boundaries, but if we exposethem right here, right now, we
can reflect on how these thingsshow up in our own lives.
And once you spot them, theyhave far less power because
awareness has shown up to theparty.
So let's expose these traps andget ahead of the game.
So here's some common boundarypitfalls the nice person trap
(07:50):
Maybe you don't likedisappointing people, so you
avoid setting boundaries andeverything is yes, yes, yes.
There's also the martyr mindsetyou believe that you should
handle everything for everyone,and maybe it's a lack of
confidence in your entourage ora role that you've just simply
been playing due to the systems,education, society.
Ring a bell, and this one canbe a little bit easier to
(08:14):
dismantle with a simple didanyone ask me to do this?
And then there's the fear ofconflict.
This is a loop and you avoidboundaries because you don't
want to rock the boat, and I amfamous for this.
I was allergic to conflict fora long time but, fun fact, when
(08:34):
you have boundaries it actuallyhelps avoid conflict.
It keeps the waters crystalclear.
We'll get more to that in aminute.
But then finally, there's theguilt spiral.
You set a boundary and then youfeel bad about it.
So you go back on it Becausedoing the thing feels less bad
than feeling guilty for like asecond.
(08:55):
Do not fall into this trap, mypeople.
Guilt is a self-inflicted woundand most often, on closer
inspection, completelyunnecessary.
So let's do a little activity.
We're going to learn how torewrite the script.
We're going to create someboundary setting reframes.
In this activity.
We're rewriting the unhelpfulnarratives that we've been
(09:18):
carrying around like brokenluggage, the things that we say
to keep ourselves stuck in thatpeople-pleasing, boundaryless
exhaustion.
Here's some examples of how toshift your mindset and the
language when facing each trap.
Let's have a look.
Trap number one the nice persontrap.
(09:38):
So fear is going to tell you ifI say no, they'll think I'm
selfish.
But the boundary boss reframethat you're going to say to
yourself is being kind doesn'tmean being available 24-7.
I can care about others andstill protect my time.
Now here's what to say instead.
(09:59):
When someone asks you to dosomething you either don't want
to do or don't have time orenergy to do it, you used to say
, okay, I guess I can do it,even though you don't want to.
Instead, you can say I'd loveto help, but I just can't commit
right now.
Easy, right.
And you used to say I don'twant to be difficult, so I'll
(10:19):
just say yes.
So now you can say I appreciateyou thinking of me, but I just
can't take this on.
I hope you find the rightperson for it, and you'll be
surprised how little conflictactually comes from this one.
It may feel like you're thefirst person ever to set a
boundary.
It may feel like you're thefirst person ever to set a
boundary.
It's going to feel that way,but it's okay.
(10:40):
They'll get it or they won't.
But this is you standing up foryou, and there's strength on
the other side of this milddiscomfort, I promise.
Now for the trap number two.
That martyr mindset, that oldbelief, is telling you that it's
my job to handle everything foreveryone.
But the new reframe is my needsmatter just as much as everyone
(11:04):
else's.
I don't have to set myself onfire to keep others warm.
So what you can say instead ofI'll take care of it, even
though you're overwhelmed, youcan say you know what I'm at
capacity right now.
Can we find another solutiontogether?
Or I have to do it or no oneelse will.
They won't do it the way that Ilike to do it.
(11:25):
Instead, you can say toyourself it's okay to let others
step up.
I trust that they can handle it.
And this one can beparticularly tricky because it
also involves letting go.
And this one can beparticularly tricky because it
also involves letting go Becausemaybe they're going to do it
differently or less than howyou'd do it, and you have to be
okay with that.
You're doing this for yourgreater good, which is your
(11:48):
well-being.
Now let's look at the fear ofconflict loop.
Now this fear is going to tellyou if I set a boundary, people
are going to get mad and they'regoing to leave, but the
boundary boss reframe.
The right people will respectmy boundaries and the ones who
don't benefit from me not havingany.
So, instead of saying toyourself I don't want to upset
(12:09):
them, so I'm just going to goalong with it.
You can say out loud Iunderstand this might be
unexpected, but this is whatworks best for me.
And instead of saying I don'twant to start a fight, you can
say I value our relationship andI want to be honest about what
I can and can't do.
Look, this one in particularwill give you evidence very
(12:30):
quickly of who's in it for youand who's in it for what you can
do for them.
And this can bring on sometemporary heartbreak.
So it's important to honor thatgrief that comes when you let
go of those kinds ofrelationships.
But they don't serve youanymore.
And if you struggle with this,you are not alone.
But remember, this too shallpass, and on the other side,
(12:52):
you're going to be stronger andyou're going to have a much more
supportive tribe around you.
You're going to feel thedifference.
Now let's move on to trap numberfour, the guilt spiral.
So that old belief is going tosay I set a boundary, but now I
feel bad about it.
But the game-changing reframeis that guilt is a sign that I'm
(13:13):
breaking an old pattern, notthat I did something wrong.
So when you hear yourselfsaying I feel bad, maybe I
should just give in.
Come back with this.
Discomfort means that I'mgrowing.
I don't have to change my mindjust because it feels new.
And if you find yourself actingunlike your old self, maybe I
was too harsh.
(13:34):
No, I was clear and kind.
And if they don't like myboundary, that's their work to
do, not mine.
Look if honoring yourself is anew trend for you.
It's important to give yourselfsome grace.
Dial up the awareness of whatyou're feeling, because change
is sticky, but that discomfortis temporary.
(13:54):
The feeling of empowerment, ofsetting and sticking to a
boundary is like sweet, sweetself-care nectar, and it's going
to encourage you to keep goingand review where else in your
life you could maybe use someboundaries.
So keep going.
You've got this.
Now a big final takeaway Justremember boundaries don't push
(14:15):
people away.
They teach people how torespect you.
Your peace is worth it and whenit comes to how to set and
maintain boundaries, there'sjust four easy steps, so let's
walk through them together.
Step one you got to get clear onwhat you need.
Ask yourself what do I needmore of?
More time, more alone time,more support, more time to chase
(14:38):
your dreams you choose.
There's no needs police that'sgoing to come and tell you that
you're doing it right or doingit wrong.
Trust your gut, it knows theway.
And then you can ask yourselfwhat do I need less of?
Do I need less to-do lists,less being late for things
because I'm always running lessobligations?
(14:58):
And then finally ask yourselfwhat's draining me Doing things
to help others succeed when yourgoals are collecting dust?
Maybe you need a new plan,following the same rinse and
repeat routine, leaving no roomfor creativity or
self-expression, or even takingthe time to figure out what your
(15:19):
own needs are.
Look, keeping the peace andswallowing all your own
ambitions because making spacefor them seems impossible.
This is where the real workbegins.
Now that your needs are going tobe clear and specific, you can
stand up for yourself byadvocating for what you need,
(15:39):
which brings us to step numbertwo.
Communicate clearly andconfidently.
Use those I statements.
I can't take on extra work thisweek, but I'd love to help next
time.
Look no more over explainingit's not needed.
You will be tempted.
You'll want to convince peopleof your needs.
You don't have to Stop it,which is the perfect segue to
(16:05):
number three.
Handle pushback like a pro.
You're going to want to expectresistance Because people who
benefited from your lack ofboundaries they're not going to
like this change.
Boundaries can show them thedoor.
They can stay on your terms orfind someone else to profit from
.
Period, you can hold yourground and do it with kindness.
(16:28):
Look, I understand this is new,but this is important for me.
And if someone tries to say,yeah, but you used to do this
for me and you used to do that,it wasn't a problem before.
You can acknowledge that andsay you're right and I found
that that caused me moreproblems than it solved.
So, moving forward, I'm justgoing to be doing things a
little bit differently.
I hope you understand thatdidn't sound mean.
(16:51):
That didn't sound rude.
It just sounded like you werecreating space for you to
protect your own interests, andthat's step number four Follow
through without guilt.
Boundaries without action isjust wishes.
So stick to your limits.
So think of one thing you cando this week where you can say
no.
You can say it out loud, usinga firm and friendly tone,
(17:14):
because it is what A completesentence.
Remember that when you say no,thank you with a smile.
There's really no comeback tothat.
Just remember that.
Boundaries it's all aboutself-respect, people who love
and respect you.
They're going to adjust.
They're going to love this foryou, because it's not your job
(17:34):
to manage other people'sreactions Ain't nobody got time
for that.
Setting boundaries isn'trejection, it's protection.
You will observe changes inyour relationships because you
are changing, and so are theterms and conditions of your
relationships.
A doormat no more.
And your final challenge thisweek I want you to pick one
(17:56):
small boundary to set this week.
Commit to it.
Look boundaries they're notgoing to push people away.
They're going to show peoplehow to love you better, how to
respect you better.
So go out there and own yourspace, your energy, take up
space, use your voice andprotect your peace.
You are in charge.
(18:17):
You choose where you spend yourtime and energy and you don't
owe anyone anything beforeyou've honored yourself.
The name of this game is Me.
First.
Try it on, see how it fits.
So quick recap of what welearned today.
Oh my God, so much.
Protect boundaries.
They protect your time, energyand your well-being.
(18:38):
If you're feeling exhausted,resentful, overwhelmed, probably
need to work on some boundaries.
People pleasing it keeps youstuck in exhaustion.
These activities that wecovered today are your off ramp
from the people pleasing freewayof frustration.
Number four saying no doesn'tmake you mean, makes you healthy
(18:59):
.
It makes you strong.
And boundaries aren't justabout others.
They're about you respectingyourself.
So did our little chat aboutboundaries leave you wanting
more?
Well, by all means, I encourageyou to share your boundary wins
on social media using a hashtagpocketful of mojo boundaries
and we can celebrate ourboundary boss babe era together.
(19:22):
If you're looking for more waysto give your mojo a glow up, be
sure to check out the seven daymojo makeover Challenge in the
show notes.
It's seven days of mantras andmini challenges where you get to
reboot and refill your cup sothat you can show up for
yourself like never before.
So if this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend who
needs to hear it.
(19:42):
Be sure to rate, review,subscribe.
It helps more people find theshow.
Let's keep this conversationgoing.
Dm me your biggest boundary winthis week.
I'd love to hear all about itand be sure to tune in next week
when we unpack the prickly pearthat is perfectionism the cost
(20:03):
of good enough versus perfect.
We're going to look atstrategies to embrace
imperfection and we're going togo through some stories of how
letting go leads tobreakthroughs.
It's a do not miss episode, sobe sure to subscribe to make
sure that your mojo doesn't missa single minute.
I've got so much great stuff toshare with you, so be sure to
(20:24):
tune in next week.
And until then, stay classy,stay kind and put love in
everything you do.
This has been Steph withPocketful of Mojo A ciao for now
.
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