July 31, 2025 • 21 mins
Ready to break free from the people-pleasing habit that's draining your energy and peace? Let's tackle the compulsion to justify every decision, boundary, and "no" in your life.
Have you ever declined an invitation only to immediately launch into a detailed explanation worthy of a PowerPoint presentation? That's not politeness—it's people-pleasing in a power suit. Through personal stories and practical insights, we unpack the invisible contract many of us signed promising to justify our existence at all times. The truth? This contract made sense when survival meant staying small, but now it's time to tear it up.
Diving into fascinating neuroscience, we explore why your brain craves justification—from your amygdala's social threat detection to the dopamine hit of validation. Learn how mirror neurons create empathy overload and why cognitive dissonance keeps you stuck explaining things that need no explanation. Most importantly, discover five practical tools to break the cycle, including the revolutionary "power of the period" technique that lets your boundaries stand strong without explanations.
The most powerful realization? You're not a walking TED talk or a defendant in court—you're a whole person whose choices are valid without a spotlight. Stop shrinking for other people's comfort and start trusting yourself. Your mojo is loudest when you honor your truth without justification. Ready to say less and trust more? Listen now and reclaim your energy and confidence with every boundary you set.
Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hey friend, you better buckle up, buttercup,
cause.
Today we're going straight forthe people pleasing jugular.
If you've ever over explained adecision or or the old classic
spiraling into guilt just forsaying no, or maybe you felt
compelled to go into greatdetail just to justify something
(00:31):
that didn't really need a pressrelease, well, this episode's
got your name all over it.
Today we're talking about asneaky little habit that robs
your energy and your peace likea shadow with sticky fingers,
and that's the need to justifyeverything, not just to others,
but also to yourself.
(00:52):
Let's talk about it, let'schallenge it and let's finally
drop it, but we're going to doit with like love and clarity
and we're going to skip theguilt.
Today we're going to learn tosay less and trust more.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo.
And we come here to get tunedin, tapped in and turned on.
(01:21):
Now let's start with this.
You know that awkward feelingthat you get when you tell
someone I can't make it and thenimmediately feel the need to
follow it up with a PowerPointpresentation-worthy breakdown of
why.
Yeah, that's not being polite,that is people-pleasing in a
power suit.
Somewhere along the way,whether it's through our
(01:44):
education or just the way thatwe observed life when we were
kids, like the subtle cues thatwe picked up on.
It's like we signed thisinvisible contract that says I
will justify my existence, mydecisions and my boundaries at
all times, or else I'm beingselfish or rude or flaky.
(02:05):
Now guess what?
I'm no lawyer, but I'm prettysure that that contract isn't
legally binding and it'sdefinitely not healthy.
But it's also understandable,and I know it's taken me a good
minute to unpack that fakecontract and forgive myself for
flexing and bending in ways thatneglected me and the person
(02:28):
that I really was and the personthat I wanted to become.
But the truth is is that thecontract made total sense at the
time Because, remember, thatcontract was written in a season
of your life where maybesurvival meant staying small and
being agreeable.
But, babe, you're not thereanymore.
(02:49):
Let me tell you a story.
I don't know if you've seenthat meme where there's like a
side-by-side of people'sout-of-office emails and the
difference between a European'sand a North American's, but it
goes something like this theEuropean email will write I'm
away camping for the summer,email me again in September,
(03:10):
whereas the North American emaillooks more like I'll be out of
the office for two hours thisafternoon getting a kidney
removed.
But if you need immediateassistance, here's my cell
number.
Now, this story is a littlesomething like that, but my
friend wasn't getting a kidneymoved, she just had the audacity
to ask for a couple of days off.
(03:30):
Here's what happened.
So a few years ago, I watched myfriend stress for hours, hours,
over an email to her bossasking for two vacation days.
She wrote this email seventimes.
Each version included more andmore detail why she needed the
(03:51):
time off.
She was going to make up thehours and pull long days before
going on the holiday and thatshe'd still be reachable and
that she also was going to betaking her cat to the vet.
And I was just like, what areyou talking about?
And I asked her why she wasincluding all of this in my most
like we listen and we don'tjudge kind of way.
(04:11):
And she just so earnestly said,like I don't want them to think
that I'm slacking, but shewasn't slacking, she was
exhausted and she had the timeoff available and she needed a
break.
But that doesn't matter.
Most importantly, that shouldhave been enough.
(04:34):
And eventually she sent theemail she trimmed it down, I
might add, and her boss repliedwith thanks for the heads up,
enjoy All that, all that.
And that's when it hit her.
She was doing all this for animaginary jury that just didn't
exist.
So if you've ever found yourselfwondering why you're in the
(04:54):
dump sometimes or why you're notfeeling great about yourself,
there's a cost to all thisover-explaining.
Because here's the problem whenyou constantly justify your
decisions, you send a subtlemessage that I don't really
trust myself.
So let me convince you, and youmight think that the impact
that you're making is how theother person perceives you.
(05:17):
But plot twist, the biggestimpact this message has isn't on
the other person.
The deepest cut is the oneyou're making on yourself.
And, trust me, over time thisadds up, it drains your
confidence, it dilutes yourboundaries and it keeps you in
this cycle of self-doubt, andthat is hard to break.
(05:39):
Like it drains your confidence.
It drains your confidencebecause you're going to see
people check out halfway throughyour laundry list of reasons,
and this is the harsh truthbecause, sorry, most people
don't care, and not in a meanway, but honestly, people think
about themselves more thananybody else.
(05:59):
And if it doesn't, if yourreasons don't directly impact
them, then my observation hasbeen generally that if they know
you, they trust that there'sprobably a good reason why you
have to say no to the thing orwhatever, and they don't really
need to know what that is.
And it dilutes your boundaries,because boundaries are
statements, not invitations fordebate.
(06:21):
And I saw this amazing quote theother day.
It says a real boundary doesn'tbeg to be understood.
It stands on what's true, andwe're going to unpack that one a
little bit more in a bit, butwhen we're talking about the
cost, the toll it takes.
What's even worse is that whenyou become identified as an
(06:41):
over-explainer, you attractpeople that expect you to
explain yourself.
Check it every fucking time.
So let me say this clearly forthe people in the back you are
allowed to say no, you areallowed to change your mind, you
(07:02):
are allowed to need rest orspace or solitude without
needing a permission slip fromanybody.
So let's bring in someneuroscience, because
understanding what your brain isactually doing when you over
explain can be a total gamechanger for recovering people.
Pleasers and some of us need tolike show our work.
(07:24):
We need to see how we get towhere we're going.
So this is the part of thepodcast where I get to nerd out
on the science behind why we dowhat we do.
So I can chip away at thesometimes overwhelming
culpability that we put onourselves.
When we identify a trait ofourselves, like over explaining,
we can start to really be hardon ourselves.
(07:45):
So I'm here to lighten the loadand remind you that we're
complex human beings.
So let's look at it.
Let's look at why your brainwants to justify everything,
even when you know that youdon't have to.
So there's this thing calledthe social survival system.
So I talked about the amygdala.
That's a part of your brain.
I talked about that in the lastepisode and she got some
(08:09):
opinions.
Your amygdala is the part ofyour brain that's responsible
for picking up on threats.
So if you're in trouble, thisguy pops into action.
But as we've evolved fromhunter-gatherers to city mice,
it doesn't just watch forphysical danger Hmm, oh good.
It also responds to socialthreats like rejection and
(08:31):
disapproval or disappointingother people.
Hmm, isn't that fun.
So for people pleasers,especially those of us who had
to earn our love or affection orsafety, saying no can feel like
a threat, even if you're safe,even if all the physical
indications say thateverything's okay.
(08:52):
Just the act of contradiction.
That amygdala is going to lightup and it's going to send you
the message that if you don'texplain yourself, they're going
to think less of you and they'regoing to make judgments and
you're going to lose thatconnection.
Panic.
And then the end result, theoutput, is that you
over-explained to calm thatthreat, even when the danger is
(09:13):
totally imaginary.
But the soothing balm ofover-explaining doesn't do the
job that you think it does.
Then the next fancy word I dugup was cognitive dissonance.
So which translates to yourbrain hates internal conflict.
So you've got a prefrontalcortex and that's the logic
(09:33):
house of your brain and it wantsyour actions to match your
values.
But if you set a boundary forthe first time in forever,
you're going to feel guiltyabout it, because that's
cognitive dissonance.
Your brain feels off balance,it doesn't recognize this
behavior.
So when your brain says, quick,explain yourself, justify it,
(09:53):
just so that you can feel okayagain, this pattern actually
keeps you in a loop.
You set the boundary, you feelguilty, so you justify it, and
then that brings relief.
So you feel confident enough toset a boundary again.
It doesn't break the pattern,it feeds it.
Now the third thing that ourbrain does.
That's super cool and is alsosuper confusing.
(10:16):
Now, the third thing that ourbrain does that's super cool and
is also super confusing there'sthis thing called mirror
neurons, and what it is?
It's empath overload, becausepeople pleasers often have a
strong mirror neuron system.
And these are actual neuronsthat help you feel what other
people feel, which is great forempathy.
But when you get into yourimagination and you start to
(10:38):
anticipate how someone mightfeel remember, the future is
fiction you're imagining howsomeone else is going to feel if
you say no or draw a line orset a boundary, and so you
project, you go into the futureand you're like, oh, I'm going
to disappoint them and it'sgoing to feel like this, and
your body sends you all thefeelings of being disappointed.
(11:00):
So you go to that soothingplace of explaining and
softening and sugarcoating toease the emotional discomfort
that you're experiencing throughthem.
Thanks, brain.
But this isn't weakness, thisis just your untrained emotional
boundaries.
And those are the moments whereyou can remind yourself
(11:21):
feelings aren't facts and reallyask yourself the question whose
feelings are these?
What am I feeling and whose arethey?
Which takes us to number four.
Mixing dopamine andpeople-pleasing is a messy
little cocktail.
Every time someone validatesyour over-explanation like, oh,
thanks for explaining, thatmakes sense now, your brain gets
(11:45):
a dopamine hit and that rewardreinforces that behavior and
keeps you coming back for more.
And over time your brain isgoing to learn that explaining
equals good feelings.
Keep doing it, even though it'scosting you peace and clarity
and confidence.
It's taking care of the littlestuff, but it's forgetting about
(12:06):
the big picture, which takes usto the rewire.
What do we do about all this?
Our brain is going to do whatour our brain is gonna do, but
with some awareness we're gonnabe able to see it coming,
identify it when it shows up andknow what to do.
So this is how we calm thatjustification reflex.
(12:27):
First, you gotta name it.
Name it to tame it, name thethreat response.
When you feel the urge toexplain, you just gotta tell
yourself.
Put on your little lab coat andglasses and say this is just my
amygdala trying to keep me safe, but I'm not in danger.
Me and science, we got this.
(12:47):
This is chemistry happening.
Let's see what happens if Idon't explain.
And you can use this using thefive second pause.
Before you explain anything,take one big, deep breath in ask
yourself is this for connectionor is this for approval?
Am I explaining myself, toinform someone of something that
(13:09):
they need to know, or am I justmaking a good case for why I'm
doing what I'm doing?
And if you find yourself insome discomfort, you can try to
reframe it.
So instead of saying they mightthink I'm rude, which A
wouldn't be the end of the world, you could also try.
I'm building new patterns.
This discomfort feelsunfamiliar, but that doesn't
(13:31):
mean it's wrong.
Embrace some gray Things.
Don't have to be right or wrong, and nobody's policing you as
hard as you think they are.
And then, when it comes toboundaries, just keep them real
clean.
Keep them short, keep themclear, keep them kind.
The less you explain, the morethat your brain is going to
(13:52):
learn.
I can survive this.
I don't need to be understood,to be respected, and oftentimes
it's not a hill that we'retrying to die on here.
It's just like I'm not going togo to the movies, period.
They don't need to know whetherit's because you're tired,
because you don't want to seethe movie, or because you don't
like that girl's boyfriend orwhatever.
(14:13):
You just don't need to explainit.
So there's a bonus sciencemantra here that you can lean on
as an extra little paddedprotection, and it's I'm not
rewiring for perfection, I'mrewiring for peace.
And just like, as you say that,like my, my shoulders drop a
little bit and it's just likeI'm doing this because this, and
(14:37):
like there's a strength and arelease that comes from that
mantra.
I'm not rewiring for perfection, I'm rewiring for peace.
So let's get into the practicalmojo.
Five ways to stop justifyingeverything.
So this is where we do what wedo best here at Pocket Bullet
(14:58):
Mojo and get into some real mojomoves.
Here are five tools that aregoing to help you shift out of
justification mode and into somegrounded, confident, unbothered
era type of stuff.
Okay, here we go.
Number one practice the powerof the period.
End the sentence I'm notavailable that day, period no,
(15:24):
but no, because no weatherforecast or sob story.
Just let your words land, trust.
Trust that they're enough.
Number two notice the panicpattern when you feel the urge
to explain, pause and ask am Isharing this for clarity or am I
(15:47):
performing for approval?
That little pause can changeeverything.
I find that this pops up for mewhen I'm with my older brothers
, like we all revert back towhen we were like 4, 10, and 12.
And if I don't catch myself,I'd be performing Number three.
We're going to go back to amantra Try this one.
(16:08):
My choices don't need aspotlight to be valid.
And you want to say this onewhen you get the urge to over
explain, when that comescreeping in, this is the
antidote my choices don't need aspotlight to be valid.
Number four rehearse Practice.
Practice in the mirror,practice in the car.
Rehearse respectful boundaries.
(16:30):
If you're worried aboutsounding rude, I got a template
for you.
You can lean on this one.
Thanks for understanding.
I won't be joining, but I hopeit goes great.
Thanks for understanding.
I won't be joining, but I hopeit goes great.
See Friendly clear no guiltbaked in, and notice how the
word sorry isn't in there either.
It's instead gratitude.
Thank you for understanding.
(16:57):
This is my desired response.
Thank you for meeting that.
You're setting a bar.
I won't be joining Crystalclear.
You hope it goes great.
Positive and uplifting.
Nailed it and all those aregreat for when you're
interacting with the outsideworld.
But number five is actuallynumber one most important,
because you got to validateyourself first, and validation
isn't bad, it's just beenmisdirected.
(17:19):
So instead of trying to getthat validation from everyone
else.
Try a little crazy thing for meoffer it to yourself.
Say this matters to me and it'svalid.
I choose this with intentionand I trust that and that kind
of self-talk.
That is where confidence getsbuilt.
That's mojo and funny thingabout validation the more you
(17:43):
give it to yourself, the lessyou need it from the outside
world and the more delicious itbecomes when you do receive it
from the outside world, becauseit sprinkles at this point when
you've really done the work toprioritize yourself and really
ground yourself in knowing whatdoes and doesn't work for you,
where your lines are drawn inthe sand.
(18:05):
That doesn't come overnight,but the quote, unquote work that
it takes to get to knowyourself well enough to know
what those boundaries are.
Oh, that's just the best way tospend your time Every time.
Let me leave you with this Hardtruth you're not a walk in TED
talk, okay.
(18:25):
You're not a defendant in court, I hope and you're not an
unpaid PR rep for your owndecisions, All right.
You are a whole, grown,beautiful, powerful person and
the most revolutionary thingthat you can do sometimes is
just say this is what I'vechosen and leave it there.
(18:47):
You don't owe anyone a fullexplanation or your entire
resume for living your life inalignment with your values, with
your bandwidth or your truth.
Sometimes validation feels good.
Validation is not a bad wordand we all need a little
validation now and then, but youdon't need it to know your
(19:09):
worth.
So I hope this episode hit homefor you and I hope it gave you
some freedom back and a wholelot of permission to stop
shrinking for other people'scomfort.
We don't do that anymore.
And remember your mojo isloudest when you trust yourself.
(19:33):
When you tune in like that,your mojo is going to tell you
everything you need to know.
So if you've loved today'sconversation, why don't you just
I don't know just share it witha fellow recovering people,
pleaser.
And if you want some extra goodmojo, then you can leave us a
review.
It really helps us grow andhelps other people find their
mojo.
You know, don't you want tolive in a world with more mojo?
(19:56):
I know I do.
Speaking of which, have Imentioned mojo gummies lately?
You know your delicious littlesidekick as you continue to set
boundaries and slay the day.
If you haven't heard of them,they are the best.
They are an amazing highquality mushroom, herb and root
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(20:18):
fog and even help improveproductivity, and, honestly, I
could not make this podcastwithout them.
So hit the link in the shownotes for 15% off your next
moment of clarity.
And be sure to tune in nextweek when we are going to flip
the script a little bit, becauseit's time to talk about how to
take up space, like you pay renton it Because you do in your
(20:41):
life, in relationships, in everydamn room you walk into.
So until next time, I want youto keep your head high, say less
trust more, never apologize forprotecting your peace and keep
your pockets full of mojo.
That's it for me, my friend.
This has been, steph, your mojomaven, telling you to stay
(21:03):
fabulous and go rock the day.
Ciao, for now.
Love you Bye.
Hey friend, you better buckle up, buttercup,
cause.
Today we're going straight forthe people pleasing jugular.
If you've ever over explained adecision or or the old classic
spiraling into guilt just forsaying no, or maybe you felt
compelled to go into greatdetail just to justify something
(00:31):
that didn't really need a pressrelease, well, this episode's
got your name all over it.
Today we're talking about asneaky little habit that robs
your energy and your peace likea shadow with sticky fingers,
and that's the need to justifyeverything, not just to others,
but also to yourself.
(00:52):
Let's talk about it, let'schallenge it and let's finally
drop it, but we're going to doit with like love and clarity
and we're going to skip theguilt.
Today we're going to learn tosay less and trust more.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo.
And we come here to get tunedin, tapped in and turned on.
(01:21):
Now let's start with this.
You know that awkward feelingthat you get when you tell
someone I can't make it and thenimmediately feel the need to
follow it up with a PowerPointpresentation-worthy breakdown of
why.
Yeah, that's not being polite,that is people-pleasing in a
power suit.
Somewhere along the way,whether it's through our
(01:44):
education or just the way thatwe observed life when we were
kids, like the subtle cues thatwe picked up on.
It's like we signed thisinvisible contract that says I
will justify my existence, mydecisions and my boundaries at
all times, or else I'm beingselfish or rude or flaky.
(02:05):
Now guess what?
I'm no lawyer, but I'm prettysure that that contract isn't
legally binding and it'sdefinitely not healthy.
But it's also understandable,and I know it's taken me a good
minute to unpack that fakecontract and forgive myself for
flexing and bending in ways thatneglected me and the person
(02:28):
that I really was and the personthat I wanted to become.
But the truth is is that thecontract made total sense at the
time Because, remember, thatcontract was written in a season
of your life where maybesurvival meant staying small and
being agreeable.
But, babe, you're not thereanymore.
(02:49):
Let me tell you a story.
I don't know if you've seenthat meme where there's like a
side-by-side of people'sout-of-office emails and the
difference between a European'sand a North American's, but it
goes something like this theEuropean email will write I'm
away camping for the summer,email me again in September,
(03:10):
whereas the North American emaillooks more like I'll be out of
the office for two hours thisafternoon getting a kidney
removed.
But if you need immediateassistance, here's my cell
number.
Now, this story is a littlesomething like that, but my
friend wasn't getting a kidneymoved, she just had the audacity
to ask for a couple of days off.
(03:30):
Here's what happened.
So a few years ago, I watched myfriend stress for hours, hours,
over an email to her bossasking for two vacation days.
She wrote this email seventimes.
Each version included more andmore detail why she needed the
(03:51):
time off.
She was going to make up thehours and pull long days before
going on the holiday and thatshe'd still be reachable and
that she also was going to betaking her cat to the vet.
And I was just like, what areyou talking about?
And I asked her why she wasincluding all of this in my most
like we listen and we don'tjudge kind of way.
(04:11):
And she just so earnestly said,like I don't want them to think
that I'm slacking, but shewasn't slacking, she was
exhausted and she had the timeoff available and she needed a
break.
But that doesn't matter.
Most importantly, that shouldhave been enough.
(04:34):
And eventually she sent theemail she trimmed it down, I
might add, and her boss repliedwith thanks for the heads up,
enjoy All that, all that.
And that's when it hit her.
She was doing all this for animaginary jury that just didn't
exist.
So if you've ever found yourselfwondering why you're in the
(04:54):
dump sometimes or why you're notfeeling great about yourself,
there's a cost to all thisover-explaining.
Because here's the problem whenyou constantly justify your
decisions, you send a subtlemessage that I don't really
trust myself.
So let me convince you, and youmight think that the impact
that you're making is how theother person perceives you.
(05:17):
But plot twist, the biggestimpact this message has isn't on
the other person.
The deepest cut is the oneyou're making on yourself.
And, trust me, over time thisadds up, it drains your
confidence, it dilutes yourboundaries and it keeps you in
this cycle of self-doubt, andthat is hard to break.
(05:39):
Like it drains your confidence.
It drains your confidencebecause you're going to see
people check out halfway throughyour laundry list of reasons,
and this is the harsh truthbecause, sorry, most people
don't care, and not in a meanway, but honestly, people think
about themselves more thananybody else.
(05:59):
And if it doesn't, if yourreasons don't directly impact
them, then my observation hasbeen generally that if they know
you, they trust that there'sprobably a good reason why you
have to say no to the thing orwhatever, and they don't really
need to know what that is.
And it dilutes your boundaries,because boundaries are
statements, not invitations fordebate.
(06:21):
And I saw this amazing quote theother day.
It says a real boundary doesn'tbeg to be understood.
It stands on what's true, andwe're going to unpack that one a
little bit more in a bit, butwhen we're talking about the
cost, the toll it takes.
What's even worse is that whenyou become identified as an
(06:41):
over-explainer, you attractpeople that expect you to
explain yourself.
Check it every fucking time.
So let me say this clearly forthe people in the back you are
allowed to say no, you areallowed to change your mind, you
(07:02):
are allowed to need rest orspace or solitude without
needing a permission slip fromanybody.
So let's bring in someneuroscience, because
understanding what your brain isactually doing when you over
explain can be a total gamechanger for recovering people.
Pleasers and some of us need tolike show our work.
(07:24):
We need to see how we get towhere we're going.
So this is the part of thepodcast where I get to nerd out
on the science behind why we dowhat we do.
So I can chip away at thesometimes overwhelming
culpability that we put onourselves.
When we identify a trait ofourselves, like over explaining,
we can start to really be hardon ourselves.
(07:45):
So I'm here to lighten the loadand remind you that we're
complex human beings.
So let's look at it.
Let's look at why your brainwants to justify everything,
even when you know that youdon't have to.
So there's this thing calledthe social survival system.
So I talked about the amygdala.
That's a part of your brain.
I talked about that in the lastepisode and she got some
(08:09):
opinions.
Your amygdala is the part ofyour brain that's responsible
for picking up on threats.
So if you're in trouble, thisguy pops into action.
But as we've evolved fromhunter-gatherers to city mice,
it doesn't just watch forphysical danger Hmm, oh good.
It also responds to socialthreats like rejection and
(08:31):
disapproval or disappointingother people.
Hmm, isn't that fun.
So for people pleasers,especially those of us who had
to earn our love or affection orsafety, saying no can feel like
a threat, even if you're safe,even if all the physical
indications say thateverything's okay.
(08:52):
Just the act of contradiction.
That amygdala is going to lightup and it's going to send you
the message that if you don'texplain yourself, they're going
to think less of you and they'regoing to make judgments and
you're going to lose thatconnection.
Panic.
And then the end result, theoutput, is that you
over-explained to calm thatthreat, even when the danger is
(09:13):
totally imaginary.
But the soothing balm ofover-explaining doesn't do the
job that you think it does.
Then the next fancy word I dugup was cognitive dissonance.
So which translates to yourbrain hates internal conflict.
So you've got a prefrontalcortex and that's the logic
(09:33):
house of your brain and it wantsyour actions to match your
values.
But if you set a boundary forthe first time in forever,
you're going to feel guiltyabout it, because that's
cognitive dissonance.
Your brain feels off balance,it doesn't recognize this
behavior.
So when your brain says, quick,explain yourself, justify it,
(09:53):
just so that you can feel okayagain, this pattern actually
keeps you in a loop.
You set the boundary, you feelguilty, so you justify it, and
then that brings relief.
So you feel confident enough toset a boundary again.
It doesn't break the pattern,it feeds it.
Now the third thing that ourbrain does.
That's super cool and is alsosuper confusing.
(10:16):
Now, the third thing that ourbrain does that's super cool and
is also super confusing there'sthis thing called mirror
neurons, and what it is?
It's empath overload, becausepeople pleasers often have a
strong mirror neuron system.
And these are actual neuronsthat help you feel what other
people feel, which is great forempathy.
But when you get into yourimagination and you start to
(10:38):
anticipate how someone mightfeel remember, the future is
fiction you're imagining howsomeone else is going to feel if
you say no or draw a line orset a boundary, and so you
project, you go into the futureand you're like, oh, I'm going
to disappoint them and it'sgoing to feel like this, and
your body sends you all thefeelings of being disappointed.
(11:00):
So you go to that soothingplace of explaining and
softening and sugarcoating toease the emotional discomfort
that you're experiencing throughthem.
Thanks, brain.
But this isn't weakness, thisis just your untrained emotional
boundaries.
And those are the moments whereyou can remind yourself
(11:21):
feelings aren't facts and reallyask yourself the question whose
feelings are these?
What am I feeling and whose arethey?
Which takes us to number four.
Mixing dopamine andpeople-pleasing is a messy
little cocktail.
Every time someone validatesyour over-explanation like, oh,
thanks for explaining, thatmakes sense now, your brain gets
(11:45):
a dopamine hit and that rewardreinforces that behavior and
keeps you coming back for more.
And over time your brain isgoing to learn that explaining
equals good feelings.
Keep doing it, even though it'scosting you peace and clarity
and confidence.
It's taking care of the littlestuff, but it's forgetting about
(12:06):
the big picture, which takes usto the rewire.
What do we do about all this?
Our brain is going to do whatour our brain is gonna do, but
with some awareness we're gonnabe able to see it coming,
identify it when it shows up andknow what to do.
So this is how we calm thatjustification reflex.
(12:27):
First, you gotta name it.
Name it to tame it, name thethreat response.
When you feel the urge toexplain, you just gotta tell
yourself.
Put on your little lab coat andglasses and say this is just my
amygdala trying to keep me safe, but I'm not in danger.
Me and science, we got this.
(12:47):
This is chemistry happening.
Let's see what happens if Idon't explain.
And you can use this using thefive second pause.
Before you explain anything,take one big, deep breath in ask
yourself is this for connectionor is this for approval?
Am I explaining myself, toinform someone of something that
(13:09):
they need to know, or am I justmaking a good case for why I'm
doing what I'm doing?
And if you find yourself insome discomfort, you can try to
reframe it.
So instead of saying they mightthink I'm rude, which A
wouldn't be the end of the world, you could also try.
I'm building new patterns.
This discomfort feelsunfamiliar, but that doesn't
(13:31):
mean it's wrong.
Embrace some gray Things.
Don't have to be right or wrong, and nobody's policing you as
hard as you think they are.
And then, when it comes toboundaries, just keep them real
clean.
Keep them short, keep themclear, keep them kind.
The less you explain, the morethat your brain is going to
(13:52):
learn.
I can survive this.
I don't need to be understood,to be respected, and oftentimes
it's not a hill that we'retrying to die on here.
It's just like I'm not going togo to the movies, period.
They don't need to know whetherit's because you're tired,
because you don't want to seethe movie, or because you don't
like that girl's boyfriend orwhatever.
(14:13):
You just don't need to explainit.
So there's a bonus sciencemantra here that you can lean on
as an extra little paddedprotection, and it's I'm not
rewiring for perfection, I'mrewiring for peace.
And just like, as you say that,like my, my shoulders drop a
little bit and it's just likeI'm doing this because this, and
(14:37):
like there's a strength and arelease that comes from that
mantra.
I'm not rewiring for perfection, I'm rewiring for peace.
So let's get into the practicalmojo.
Five ways to stop justifyingeverything.
So this is where we do what wedo best here at Pocket Bullet
(14:58):
Mojo and get into some real mojomoves.
Here are five tools that aregoing to help you shift out of
justification mode and into somegrounded, confident, unbothered
era type of stuff.
Okay, here we go.
Number one practice the powerof the period.
End the sentence I'm notavailable that day, period no,
(15:24):
but no, because no weatherforecast or sob story.
Just let your words land, trust.
Trust that they're enough.
Number two notice the panicpattern when you feel the urge
to explain, pause and ask am Isharing this for clarity or am I
(15:47):
performing for approval?
That little pause can changeeverything.
I find that this pops up for mewhen I'm with my older brothers
, like we all revert back towhen we were like 4, 10, and 12.
And if I don't catch myself,I'd be performing Number three.
We're going to go back to amantra Try this one.
(16:08):
My choices don't need aspotlight to be valid.
And you want to say this onewhen you get the urge to over
explain, when that comescreeping in, this is the
antidote my choices don't need aspotlight to be valid.
Number four rehearse Practice.
Practice in the mirror,practice in the car.
Rehearse respectful boundaries.
(16:30):
If you're worried aboutsounding rude, I got a template
for you.
You can lean on this one.
Thanks for understanding.
I won't be joining, but I hopeit goes great.
Thanks for understanding.
I won't be joining, but I hopeit goes great.
See Friendly clear no guiltbaked in, and notice how the
word sorry isn't in there either.
It's instead gratitude.
Thank you for understanding.
(16:57):
This is my desired response.
Thank you for meeting that.
You're setting a bar.
I won't be joining Crystalclear.
You hope it goes great.
Positive and uplifting.
Nailed it and all those aregreat for when you're
interacting with the outsideworld.
But number five is actuallynumber one most important,
because you got to validateyourself first, and validation
isn't bad, it's just beenmisdirected.
(17:19):
So instead of trying to getthat validation from everyone
else.
Try a little crazy thing for meoffer it to yourself.
Say this matters to me and it'svalid.
I choose this with intentionand I trust that and that kind
of self-talk.
That is where confidence getsbuilt.
That's mojo and funny thingabout validation the more you
(17:43):
give it to yourself, the lessyou need it from the outside
world and the more delicious itbecomes when you do receive it
from the outside world, becauseit sprinkles at this point when
you've really done the work toprioritize yourself and really
ground yourself in knowing whatdoes and doesn't work for you,
where your lines are drawn inthe sand.
(18:05):
That doesn't come overnight,but the quote, unquote work that
it takes to get to knowyourself well enough to know
what those boundaries are.
Oh, that's just the best way tospend your time Every time.
Let me leave you with this Hardtruth you're not a walk in TED
talk, okay.
(18:25):
You're not a defendant in court, I hope and you're not an
unpaid PR rep for your owndecisions, All right.
You are a whole, grown,beautiful, powerful person and
the most revolutionary thingthat you can do sometimes is
just say this is what I'vechosen and leave it there.
(18:47):
You don't owe anyone a fullexplanation or your entire
resume for living your life inalignment with your values, with
your bandwidth or your truth.
Sometimes validation feels good.
Validation is not a bad wordand we all need a little
validation now and then, but youdon't need it to know your
(19:09):
worth.
So I hope this episode hit homefor you and I hope it gave you
some freedom back and a wholelot of permission to stop
shrinking for other people'scomfort.
We don't do that anymore.
And remember your mojo isloudest when you trust yourself.
(19:33):
When you tune in like that,your mojo is going to tell you
everything you need to know.
So if you've loved today'sconversation, why don't you just
I don't know just share it witha fellow recovering people,
pleaser.
And if you want some extra goodmojo, then you can leave us a
review.
It really helps us grow andhelps other people find their
mojo.
You know, don't you want tolive in a world with more mojo?
(19:56):
I know I do.
Speaking of which, have Imentioned mojo gummies lately?
You know your delicious littlesidekick as you continue to set
boundaries and slay the day.
If you haven't heard of them,they are the best.
They are an amazing highquality mushroom, herb and root
combination, and they help youboost cognition and reduce brain
(20:18):
fog and even help improveproductivity, and, honestly, I
could not make this podcastwithout them.
So hit the link in the shownotes for 15% off your next
moment of clarity.
And be sure to tune in nextweek when we are going to flip
the script a little bit, becauseit's time to talk about how to
take up space, like you pay renton it Because you do in your
(20:41):
life, in relationships, in everydamn room you walk into.
So until next time, I want youto keep your head high, say less
trust more, never apologize forprotecting your peace and keep
your pockets full of mojo.
That's it for me, my friend.
This has been, steph, your mojomaven, telling you to stay
(21:03):
fabulous and go rock the day.
Ciao, for now.
Love you Bye.
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