May 22, 2025 • 21 mins
Have you ever felt that familiar stomach flip, tight chest, and sudden urge to scroll Instagram when faced with potential conflict? You're not alone. In this illuminating exploration of why we avoid difficult conversations, we uncover the surprising truth: conflict isn't the enemy—avoidance is.
Throughout this episode, we dismantle the myth that keeping the peace means swallowing your truth. Most of us don't avoid conflict because we don't care; we avoid it because we care too much. We've been conditioned to believe that speaking up is dangerous, disrespectful, or "not nice." But what if this avoidance is actually causing more harm than the conflict itself? What if those unspoken words are weighing you down more than you realize?
I share a powerful framework for approaching difficult conversations with courage and clarity. You'll learn concrete steps to express your feelings without creating defensiveness, how to listen effectively even when emotions run high, and why specificity trumps vague complaints every time. The episode features a moving story about Maya, whose one brave conversation transformed not just her work environment but how colleagues perceived her capabilities. Her journey from conflict-avoidant to confidently assertive demonstrates exactly what's possible when we face our fears.
Ready to step into your "conflict with confidence" era? This episode provides the practical tools and mindset shifts you need to transform those challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection. Because when you finally say the thing you've been avoiding, you don't just clear the air—you reclaim your voice, your energy, and your truth. Subscribe now and share with someone who needs this message. What conversation will you have today that your future self will thank you for?
Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
just say the thing, why you're avoiding it and why
you shouldn't.
Hey you, welcome back toanother episode of pocket full
of mojo, the podcast that keepsit real, keeps it honest and
keeps it moving straight throughthe mess, the magic and
everything in between.
Today we're diving into a topicthat most people would rather
(00:33):
eat a cold dinner in a wet sockthan deal with.
Yep, we're talking aboutconflict.
Ugh, even saying the word canbring a stomach flick, a tight
chest that I need to go scrollon Instagram for no reason, kind
of avoidance energy.
But stick with me, because thisepisode is not here to freak
you out.
(00:53):
It's here to set you free.
So settle in, because we'reabout to step into our conflict
with confidence era.
So let's get tuned in, tappedin and turned on.
Confidence era.
So let's get tuned in, tappedin and turned on.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Boys and girls, ladies andgentlemen and everyone in
(01:13):
between.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven, andtoday we're going to step into
our power, get ahead of whatholds us back and unpack this
crazy thing called conflict andforge ahead on our own terms so
we can live a life we lovewithout compromise.
So, when it comes to conflict,let's start by calling out the
(01:35):
big truth Most people don'tavoid conflict because they
don't care.
They avoid it because they caretoo much.
Now, my people pleasers knowthat a big part of this is about
how they'll be perceived, aboutnot hurting someone, about not
rocking the boat, or becausethey've been taught, either
directly or indirectly, thatconflict is bad, it's dangerous,
(01:59):
it's disrespectful or not nice.
Sound familiar?
Yes, my recovering peoplepleasers out there.
You know who you are.
It's disrespectful or not nice.
Sound familiar.
Yes, my recovering peoplepleasers out there.
You know who you are.
Conflict can feel like abetrayal of your identity.
You've been told your wholelife that your job is to keep
the peace, to smooth things over, to be agreeable, to don't be
(02:20):
too much, and maybe they didn'tsay this to you directly, but
perhaps more subtly by the waythat your family or your
teachers set their expectationsof your behavior and then no one
came back around to give youpermission to take up more space
to say what's on your mind.
But here's the kicker Avoidingconflict doesn't keep the peace,
(02:41):
it just buries the warunderground.
Because here's the real teaConflict isn't the problem,
avoiding it is.
By the end of this podcast,you'll see that the real enemy
isn't the conflict, it's theavoiding of the conflict.
That's what we need to bescared of.
We need to be scared of thatperson inside you that supports
(03:03):
the delulu that if you ignore itlong enough, it just might go
away.
That's the real enemy.
So what conflict really is.
Let's reframe this right now.
Conflict is not a crisis.
It's a crossroads, it's aconversation.
It's a necessary one.
It just happens to be anecessary one that we don't want
(03:24):
to have.
So, if we want to take theemotion out of it, it's the
meeting point of two truths.
It's what happens whenboundaries bump and when values
meet.
Resistance, when somethingmatters enough to speak up about
Conflict, is a sign thatsomething important is happening
.
Now.
I remember when I worked atStarbucks we took this
(03:45):
leadership course and it wasactually called Fierce
Conversations and it's thisgreat workshop based on the work
of Susan Scott, and the courseemphasizes that conversation is
the relationship and thatavoiding hard truths or
sugarcoating feedback ultimatelyends up harming both people in
the process.
Like remember the shit sandwichfeedback model you tell them
(04:09):
something nice to kind of setthe tone, and then you tell them
the hard truth and then youfinish with a compliment or
something so that it goes downeasier and you leave them
feeling good.
Talk about sending mixedsignals, but this was a
refreshing, no-bullshit approachthat wasn't harsh, just direct
and practical.
And conflict is also whererelationships get real, not fake
(04:34):
, not surface level, not polite,for show, actually real,
authentic, tested, strengthenedor, if necessary, ended.
And yeah, that's okay too.
But here's what conflict isn't.
It's not about being aggressive, it's not about winning or
(04:55):
losing and it's not aboutcontrolling anyone.
It's about clarity, courage andconnection.
Now there's this myth of keepingthe peace.
Raise your hand.
If you've ever said it's justnot worth a fight, now ask
yourself was it really not worthit or did it just feel
uncomfortable to bring up?
Because here's what I'velearned when we don't speak up,
(05:18):
we don't keep the peace, we justkeep the performance and we're
actually keeping the problem toourself.
And you know what real peace is?
It's when your insides and youroutsides match, when you can
say I feel this and it getsheard, respected and responded
to.
(05:40):
So what's stopping you fromhaving the tough conversation?
Well, let's unpack the realreasons we duck out of the
difficult conversations.
And spoiler alert, it's a lotdeeper than just not wanting
drama, because, while that'sprobably true and easy to lean
on.
Let's unpack what's reallygoing on, because first there's
the fear of disconnection.
There's that voice in your headthat says, if I say how I
(06:02):
really feel, they're going towalk away.
But the truth here is is thatif someone leaves you because
you spoke your truth withkindness and clarity, babe, they
were already halfway out thedoor.
Real relationships can handlereal talk.
And if you are confronted bythis fear coming true, remember
that they may just want sometemporary distance, some time to
(06:24):
digest and reflect beforecoming back, or maybe they won't
, but either way, you've shownyourself a tremendous amount of
respect by saying how you feel.
The right thing to do is alwaysthe right thing to do.
Then there's the feeling ofbeing too much.
Now, kings, queens, in-betweens, let's retire this lie once and
(06:47):
for all.
You are not too much.
Maybe your truth is too heavyfor their comfort zone, but
that's on them, not on you.
If anything, this is a keyindicator that you're not in the
right room.
You've outgrown the nest you'vebuilt and it's time to find a
new tribe.
What's that saying?
If I'm too much, go find less,let them be them.
(07:09):
You do, you?
Or maybe you're trying to tacklethat fear of the unknown?
What if it goes badly?
What if they explode?
What if I cry?
Yeah, yeah, all of that mighthappen the imagination's
playground.
But you know what's worse?
Yeah, all of that might happen,the imagination's playground.
But you know what's worseCarrying the weight of what you
didn't say day after day afterday.
(07:30):
Think about it.
Door number one you spendingdays and days of worry and fret
and distraction, bathing in theunknown and letting this run
amok on your nervous system.
Door number two putting on yourbig person pants and having
five minutes of discomfort whileyou say the hard thing get
(07:51):
clarity on the situation.
Tap into your courage, babe.
The math here it's a no-brainerand real talk.
Have I cried during difficultconversations?
Almost all of them?
Did they explode?
Not even once Did the worldkeep spinning and my heart keep
beating.
You, betcha, but you got to dothe thing in order to get to the
(08:13):
other side of it.
One thing that used to trip meup was the fear of fumbling the
words and not being super clear.
But guess what?
You're allowed to stumble,you're allowed to say look, this
is hard for me to talk aboutand I might not say it perfectly
, but I care enough to try Nowthat line alone total magic.
(08:36):
Try it, and listen to me when Itell you you don't have to know
exactly how the conversation isgoing to go before you have it.
You're asking yourself of theimpossible.
How could you possibly knowwhat they're going to say?
So trust yourself enough toknow that in the moment you're
going to know what to sayBecause you'll be speaking from
(08:58):
the heart and you'll be spittingthose true facts and nothing
can mess with that.
And it's okay to say I don'tknow.
It's actually freeing.
So let's look at some of thesigns that you're long overdue
for a hard conversation.
Let's play a little game I liketo call.
If you're feeling this, it'stime to speak up.
(09:18):
If you're replaying aconversation in your head like
12 times, it's time to speak up.
If you keep replaying aconversation in your head like
12 times, it's time to speak up.
If you keep imagining what youshould have said, it's time to
speak up.
If you feel resentment but youmask it with a smile, it's time
to speak up.
If you're avoiding someone thatyou used to be close with, it's
(09:39):
time to speak up.
Or maybe you start settingsilent boundaries, like not
answering texts or slowlydisappearing Darling.
It's time to speak up.
My friends, these are allemotional smoke signals, the
fire, that conversation thatyou're not having.
So let's look at how toactually do it.
(10:01):
All right, let's get down tothe how.
Here's your pocketful of mojoblueprint for having the tough
convo.
Step one check your motiveBefore you speak.
Ask yourself, what do I wantout of this?
If your goal is to shame or toprove someone wrong or to get
revenge, pause, breathe andrecalibrate.
(10:25):
You want to aim for clarity,understanding or resolution, not
domination, then it's time tomove into step number two Own
your feelings.
Use I statements always.
No one can argue with yourfeelings, like I felt hurt when
this happened, or I need morehonesty in our communication, or
(10:47):
I'm feeling disconnected and Imiss how things used to be.
Then you can move into stepthree Be specific, not vague.
Don't say things like you'realways rude, even though it
might be true, but you can sayinstead when you interrupted me
during the meeting today, I feltdismissed.
You're capturing a moment intime that actually happened, and
(11:10):
what specifics do is theyreduce the ability for the other
person to be defensive, and itjust helps things get clear.
Then you've done the big hardthing.
You've launched the ball andnow it's your turn to pause and
listen, because you're notdelivering a monologue.
You're creating a two-waystreet.
You need to leave space, giveyourself a chance to breathe and
(11:33):
catch your breath and let yourheart stop beating outside of
your chest.
But you've got to be ready tohear their side Because, on the
side note, listening doesn'tmean agreeing.
It just means that you'reactively respecting their side
of the street, which allows youto create the environment for
step five Stay curious.
When someone responds withsomething surprising or
(11:55):
upsetting, respond withcuriosity, not emotion or
judgment.
You can say things like help meunderstand where that's coming
from, or that's not how I saw it.
Could you tell me more?
Boom, dialogue unlocked.
So what if they don't react?
Well, well, you can do all theright things and someone can
(12:17):
still blow up or shut down orghost you, but that's not a sign
that you messed up.
That's a sign of their capacity.
Your job is to say what you haveto say with respect and to be
clear about it.
Their reaction is theirs tomanage.
Your job is to keep your sideof the street clean, know your
objective and what you want outof the conversation.
(12:39):
So that's really all you'reresponsible for.
You're not in charge of theirfeelings and you'll want to make
room for them to have theirfeelings, while honoring your
own.
And let's be clear boundariesare not mean they're clean.
You're allowed to say thisisn't working for me and walk
away if someone is consistentlychoosing disrespect over
(13:01):
dialogue.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
So when does it get easier?
Well, let's look at what canhappen when conflict brings you
closer, because you're here forthe juicy bits.
So let's check out what happenswhen two people lean into
conflict with courage and care,because there has to be an
upside to all this heavy lifting.
(13:22):
Well, I'm not here todisappoint.
So here's the good news whenyou slay the dragon and have the
tough conversation, trustdeepens, and I say this all the
time.
Trust doesn't happen whenthings are easy.
It happens when things are hard, and this is a chance for that.
There's something really sacredabout weathering a hard moment
(13:42):
together and coming out stronger, whether it's with your partner
, your best friend, yourco-worker or that family member
who always pushes your buttons.
Look, there's potential forconnection, and it lives on the
other side of discomfort.
I've seen friendships go fromsurface level to soul deep
because of one real rawconversation.
(14:04):
I've seen teams work better,marriages heal and people
finally feel seen, not becauseeverything was perfect, but
because the air was cleared.
And I want to add a sassylittle side note Conflict isn't
just for relationships.
Sometimes the conversation thatyou need to have is with
(14:25):
yourself, with that part of youthat keeps tolerating what
you've outgrown, with that partof you that stays small to avoid
upsetting other people, withthat part of you that says I'm
fine when you're clearly not.
Those internal battles theymatter, even if they're silent
battles.
So this is your cue to giveyourself the same honesty,
(14:48):
clarity and compassion thatyou're giving other people.
So if it's been a minute sinceyou've checked in with yourself
and you're finding there's afierce conversation inside of
you waiting to happen, but youdon't know how, it's all good,
you've got this.
Make a date with yourself thisweek and write it in your
calendar and take yourself outfor that walk no podcast, no
(15:10):
music, no noise in your head,just you and your inner dialogue
.
Then you can commit tounpacking that conversation you
started with yourself but youabandoned because it was
uncomfortable.
Or there might be some toughtruths kicking around just
waiting for you to take the nextstep.
Do it, get out of limbo.
(15:30):
You deserve to have that talkwith yourself.
Take the time to figure outwhat's up, forgive yourself for
waiting too long to address itand commit to some positive
change, because this is for youand you deserve to put that
annoying conversation to rest,give your mental real estate a
little bit of room to breatheand find some clarity on
(15:53):
whatever it is that's buggingyou, and whether this
conversation is with yourself orwith someone else, I've come up
with some magic mantras to helpyou manage your conflict with
mojo.
These are some of the ones thatI use that hopefully will be
there for you too.
So when it's time to speak up,just remind yourself I can do
hard things with love.
(16:14):
Tell yourself that discomfortis not danger.
That's a good one.
I really like that one, becauseour brain tries to trick us
sometimes, and sometimes welisten.
Or you can say to yourself I amnot responsible for how others
feel about my truth.
That one's really empowering.
(16:34):
And just remember that silenceis not peace and honesty is a
kindness.
So before you go, I want to tellyou a story.
I want to tell you about MayaNow.
I worked with Maya for a longtime and she left our office for
a big promotion at this othercompany and we got along super
well because we both had bigtime people pleasing tendencies
(16:57):
and we shared a lot of latenights doing all the extra work
and that we didn't have theballs to ask someone else to do
someone else to do.
Anyway, maya went on to thisnew job and she spent years
avoiding conflict at work and Iwould hear about it all the time
.
And it started right awaybecause she didn't want to rock
the boat.
She was the new girl.
She'd stay late, she'd pick upslack, she'd swallow her
(17:19):
opinions that I would end uphearing all about and she would
let all these little thingsslide, all in the name of being
a good team player.
But we would meet for coffeeand she would tell me all about
the new job and all the workstories.
And I could tell that rightbeneath the surface things
weren't right.
I could tell that inside shewas a little bit bitter, a
(17:40):
little bit burnt out and if Ireally looked at it she was
secretly resenting her wholeoffice.
So then one day she told meabout this awful meeting that
she was in, where she kepttrying to assert herself on a
subject that she was the expertin, and she kept getting
interrupted, talked over andmansplained.
And on top of that, her managerwrapped up the meeting with a
(18:02):
throwaway comment about her notspeaking up at meetings.
Ugh, snap, that was it.
The dam broke.
So I'm like eating my popcornwhile she's telling me about
this.
And she told me okay, it's like, what did you do?
And she's like, okay, I took abreath.
I went back to my office she'slike I had a little cry and then
(18:24):
I booked a one on one with mymanager and when she booked the
one-on-one, she was like allfired up in her head and she was
going to go in guns blazing.
But then, when the moment camefor her to sit with her boss,
she took a deep breath, shestepped over the fear and she
just told the truth.
She didn't rage, she didn't cry, which I'm super pumped about
(18:46):
for her.
She just laid it all out.
She talked about how she feltoverlooked and gave some
examples, and she talked abouthow this made her feel afraid to
speak and linked that back tothe comment that the manager had
given her in that meeting.
And then she just said outrightthat she wanted more clarity
and more feedback.
And you know what happened Hermanager listened.
(19:10):
Her manager was shocked butgrateful, and then together they
came up with a new plan and sheended up getting like regular
check-ins with her manager andextra support.
And she ended up getting anassistant, because nobody knew
how much extra work Maya wasdoing because she kept her mouth
shut.
And just like that, thingschanged.
(19:36):
Maya didn't burn the bridge,she rebuilt it and in doing so
she reshaped her relationshipsin the office.
She reframed how people saw herand this allowed her to show
even more of her capacity andeven more of her talent.
And now she walks into theoffice like a rock star.
And that is the power of onebrave conversation.
So for your final mojo, truthbomb, remember, conflict isn't
(19:59):
the enemy.
Avoidance is.
When you face something thatyou're afraid to say, you
actually reclaim your voice,your energy and your truth.
Conflict doesn't have to be abattlefield.
It can be a bridge or, evenbetter, it can be a ladder, a
way forward, a way up, a momentof growth, a turning point.
(20:20):
So the next time your stomachflips and your throat tightens
and you want to run, pause,breathe, channel your inner mojo
and say the thing you got thisand, just like that, you've got
your very own pocketful of mojo,and if this episode sparked
something for you, hit,subscribe, share it with your
(20:40):
people and maybe, just maybe,have that conversation that
you've been avoiding, because areal connection lives on the
other side of real talk.
I'm going to catch you nexttime, but until then, stay bold,
stay kind and stay full of mojo.
That's it for now.
This has been, steph, your mojomaven.
We'll see you next time.
(21:01):
Ciao, for now, you.
just say the thing, why you're avoiding it and why
you shouldn't.
Hey you, welcome back toanother episode of pocket full
of mojo, the podcast that keepsit real, keeps it honest and
keeps it moving straight throughthe mess, the magic and
everything in between.
Today we're diving into a topicthat most people would rather
(00:33):
eat a cold dinner in a wet sockthan deal with.
Yep, we're talking aboutconflict.
Ugh, even saying the word canbring a stomach flick, a tight
chest that I need to go scrollon Instagram for no reason, kind
of avoidance energy.
But stick with me, because thisepisode is not here to freak
you out.
(00:53):
It's here to set you free.
So settle in, because we'reabout to step into our conflict
with confidence era.
So let's get tuned in, tappedin and turned on.
Confidence era.
So let's get tuned in, tappedin and turned on.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Boys and girls, ladies andgentlemen and everyone in
(01:13):
between.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven, andtoday we're going to step into
our power, get ahead of whatholds us back and unpack this
crazy thing called conflict andforge ahead on our own terms so
we can live a life we lovewithout compromise.
So, when it comes to conflict,let's start by calling out the
(01:35):
big truth Most people don'tavoid conflict because they
don't care.
They avoid it because they caretoo much.
Now, my people pleasers knowthat a big part of this is about
how they'll be perceived, aboutnot hurting someone, about not
rocking the boat, or becausethey've been taught, either
directly or indirectly, thatconflict is bad, it's dangerous,
(01:59):
it's disrespectful or not nice.
Sound familiar?
Yes, my recovering peoplepleasers out there.
You know who you are.
It's disrespectful or not nice.
Sound familiar.
Yes, my recovering peoplepleasers out there.
You know who you are.
Conflict can feel like abetrayal of your identity.
You've been told your wholelife that your job is to keep
the peace, to smooth things over, to be agreeable, to don't be
(02:20):
too much, and maybe they didn'tsay this to you directly, but
perhaps more subtly by the waythat your family or your
teachers set their expectationsof your behavior and then no one
came back around to give youpermission to take up more space
to say what's on your mind.
But here's the kicker Avoidingconflict doesn't keep the peace,
(02:41):
it just buries the warunderground.
Because here's the real teaConflict isn't the problem,
avoiding it is.
By the end of this podcast,you'll see that the real enemy
isn't the conflict, it's theavoiding of the conflict.
That's what we need to bescared of.
We need to be scared of thatperson inside you that supports
(03:03):
the delulu that if you ignore itlong enough, it just might go
away.
That's the real enemy.
So what conflict really is.
Let's reframe this right now.
Conflict is not a crisis.
It's a crossroads, it's aconversation.
It's a necessary one.
It just happens to be anecessary one that we don't want
(03:24):
to have.
So, if we want to take theemotion out of it, it's the
meeting point of two truths.
It's what happens whenboundaries bump and when values
meet.
Resistance, when somethingmatters enough to speak up about
Conflict, is a sign thatsomething important is happening
.
Now.
I remember when I worked atStarbucks we took this
(03:45):
leadership course and it wasactually called Fierce
Conversations and it's thisgreat workshop based on the work
of Susan Scott, and the courseemphasizes that conversation is
the relationship and thatavoiding hard truths or
sugarcoating feedback ultimatelyends up harming both people in
the process.
Like remember the shit sandwichfeedback model you tell them
(04:09):
something nice to kind of setthe tone, and then you tell them
the hard truth and then youfinish with a compliment or
something so that it goes downeasier and you leave them
feeling good.
Talk about sending mixedsignals, but this was a
refreshing, no-bullshit approachthat wasn't harsh, just direct
and practical.
And conflict is also whererelationships get real, not fake
(04:34):
, not surface level, not polite,for show, actually real,
authentic, tested, strengthenedor, if necessary, ended.
And yeah, that's okay too.
But here's what conflict isn't.
It's not about being aggressive, it's not about winning or
(04:55):
losing and it's not aboutcontrolling anyone.
It's about clarity, courage andconnection.
Now there's this myth of keepingthe peace.
Raise your hand.
If you've ever said it's justnot worth a fight, now ask
yourself was it really not worthit or did it just feel
uncomfortable to bring up?
Because here's what I'velearned when we don't speak up,
(05:18):
we don't keep the peace, we justkeep the performance and we're
actually keeping the problem toourself.
And you know what real peace is?
It's when your insides and youroutsides match, when you can
say I feel this and it getsheard, respected and responded
to.
(05:40):
So what's stopping you fromhaving the tough conversation?
Well, let's unpack the realreasons we duck out of the
difficult conversations.
And spoiler alert, it's a lotdeeper than just not wanting
drama, because, while that'sprobably true and easy to lean
on.
Let's unpack what's reallygoing on, because first there's
the fear of disconnection.
There's that voice in your headthat says, if I say how I
(06:02):
really feel, they're going towalk away.
But the truth here is is thatif someone leaves you because
you spoke your truth withkindness and clarity, babe, they
were already halfway out thedoor.
Real relationships can handlereal talk.
And if you are confronted bythis fear coming true, remember
that they may just want sometemporary distance, some time to
(06:24):
digest and reflect beforecoming back, or maybe they won't
, but either way, you've shownyourself a tremendous amount of
respect by saying how you feel.
The right thing to do is alwaysthe right thing to do.
Then there's the feeling ofbeing too much.
Now, kings, queens, in-betweens, let's retire this lie once and
(06:47):
for all.
You are not too much.
Maybe your truth is too heavyfor their comfort zone, but
that's on them, not on you.
If anything, this is a keyindicator that you're not in the
right room.
You've outgrown the nest you'vebuilt and it's time to find a
new tribe.
What's that saying?
If I'm too much, go find less,let them be them.
(07:09):
You do, you?
Or maybe you're trying to tacklethat fear of the unknown?
What if it goes badly?
What if they explode?
What if I cry?
Yeah, yeah, all of that mighthappen the imagination's
playground.
But you know what's worse?
Yeah, all of that might happen,the imagination's playground.
But you know what's worseCarrying the weight of what you
didn't say day after day afterday.
(07:30):
Think about it.
Door number one you spendingdays and days of worry and fret
and distraction, bathing in theunknown and letting this run
amok on your nervous system.
Door number two putting on yourbig person pants and having
five minutes of discomfort whileyou say the hard thing get
(07:51):
clarity on the situation.
Tap into your courage, babe.
The math here it's a no-brainerand real talk.
Have I cried during difficultconversations?
Almost all of them?
Did they explode?
Not even once Did the worldkeep spinning and my heart keep
beating.
You, betcha, but you got to dothe thing in order to get to the
(08:13):
other side of it.
One thing that used to trip meup was the fear of fumbling the
words and not being super clear.
But guess what?
You're allowed to stumble,you're allowed to say look, this
is hard for me to talk aboutand I might not say it perfectly
, but I care enough to try Nowthat line alone total magic.
(08:36):
Try it, and listen to me when Itell you you don't have to know
exactly how the conversation isgoing to go before you have it.
You're asking yourself of theimpossible.
How could you possibly knowwhat they're going to say?
So trust yourself enough toknow that in the moment you're
going to know what to sayBecause you'll be speaking from
(08:58):
the heart and you'll be spittingthose true facts and nothing
can mess with that.
And it's okay to say I don'tknow.
It's actually freeing.
So let's look at some of thesigns that you're long overdue
for a hard conversation.
Let's play a little game I liketo call.
If you're feeling this, it'stime to speak up.
(09:18):
If you're replaying aconversation in your head like
12 times, it's time to speak up.
If you keep replaying aconversation in your head like
12 times, it's time to speak up.
If you keep imagining what youshould have said, it's time to
speak up.
If you feel resentment but youmask it with a smile, it's time
to speak up.
If you're avoiding someone thatyou used to be close with, it's
(09:39):
time to speak up.
Or maybe you start settingsilent boundaries, like not
answering texts or slowlydisappearing Darling.
It's time to speak up.
My friends, these are allemotional smoke signals, the
fire, that conversation thatyou're not having.
So let's look at how toactually do it.
(10:01):
All right, let's get down tothe how.
Here's your pocketful of mojoblueprint for having the tough
convo.
Step one check your motiveBefore you speak.
Ask yourself, what do I wantout of this?
If your goal is to shame or toprove someone wrong or to get
revenge, pause, breathe andrecalibrate.
(10:25):
You want to aim for clarity,understanding or resolution, not
domination, then it's time tomove into step number two Own
your feelings.
Use I statements always.
No one can argue with yourfeelings, like I felt hurt when
this happened, or I need morehonesty in our communication, or
(10:47):
I'm feeling disconnected and Imiss how things used to be.
Then you can move into stepthree Be specific, not vague.
Don't say things like you'realways rude, even though it
might be true, but you can sayinstead when you interrupted me
during the meeting today, I feltdismissed.
You're capturing a moment intime that actually happened, and
(11:10):
what specifics do is theyreduce the ability for the other
person to be defensive, and itjust helps things get clear.
Then you've done the big hardthing.
You've launched the ball andnow it's your turn to pause and
listen, because you're notdelivering a monologue.
You're creating a two-waystreet.
You need to leave space, giveyourself a chance to breathe and
(11:33):
catch your breath and let yourheart stop beating outside of
your chest.
But you've got to be ready tohear their side Because, on the
side note, listening doesn'tmean agreeing.
It just means that you'reactively respecting their side
of the street, which allows youto create the environment for
step five Stay curious.
When someone responds withsomething surprising or
(11:55):
upsetting, respond withcuriosity, not emotion or
judgment.
You can say things like help meunderstand where that's coming
from, or that's not how I saw it.
Could you tell me more?
Boom, dialogue unlocked.
So what if they don't react?
Well, well, you can do all theright things and someone can
(12:17):
still blow up or shut down orghost you, but that's not a sign
that you messed up.
That's a sign of their capacity.
Your job is to say what you haveto say with respect and to be
clear about it.
Their reaction is theirs tomanage.
Your job is to keep your sideof the street clean, know your
objective and what you want outof the conversation.
(12:39):
So that's really all you'reresponsible for.
You're not in charge of theirfeelings and you'll want to make
room for them to have theirfeelings, while honoring your
own.
And let's be clear boundariesare not mean they're clean.
You're allowed to say thisisn't working for me and walk
away if someone is consistentlychoosing disrespect over
(13:01):
dialogue.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
So when does it get easier?
Well, let's look at what canhappen when conflict brings you
closer, because you're here forthe juicy bits.
So let's check out what happenswhen two people lean into
conflict with courage and care,because there has to be an
upside to all this heavy lifting.
(13:22):
Well, I'm not here todisappoint.
So here's the good news whenyou slay the dragon and have the
tough conversation, trustdeepens, and I say this all the
time.
Trust doesn't happen whenthings are easy.
It happens when things are hard, and this is a chance for that.
There's something really sacredabout weathering a hard moment
(13:42):
together and coming out stronger, whether it's with your partner
, your best friend, yourco-worker or that family member
who always pushes your buttons.
Look, there's potential forconnection, and it lives on the
other side of discomfort.
I've seen friendships go fromsurface level to soul deep
because of one real rawconversation.
(14:04):
I've seen teams work better,marriages heal and people
finally feel seen, not becauseeverything was perfect, but
because the air was cleared.
And I want to add a sassylittle side note Conflict isn't
just for relationships.
Sometimes the conversation thatyou need to have is with
(14:25):
yourself, with that part of youthat keeps tolerating what
you've outgrown, with that partof you that stays small to avoid
upsetting other people, withthat part of you that says I'm
fine when you're clearly not.
Those internal battles theymatter, even if they're silent
battles.
So this is your cue to giveyourself the same honesty,
(14:48):
clarity and compassion thatyou're giving other people.
So if it's been a minute sinceyou've checked in with yourself
and you're finding there's afierce conversation inside of
you waiting to happen, but youdon't know how, it's all good,
you've got this.
Make a date with yourself thisweek and write it in your
calendar and take yourself outfor that walk no podcast, no
(15:10):
music, no noise in your head,just you and your inner dialogue
.
Then you can commit tounpacking that conversation you
started with yourself but youabandoned because it was
uncomfortable.
Or there might be some toughtruths kicking around just
waiting for you to take the nextstep.
Do it, get out of limbo.
(15:30):
You deserve to have that talkwith yourself.
Take the time to figure outwhat's up, forgive yourself for
waiting too long to address itand commit to some positive
change, because this is for youand you deserve to put that
annoying conversation to rest,give your mental real estate a
little bit of room to breatheand find some clarity on
(15:53):
whatever it is that's buggingyou, and whether this
conversation is with yourself orwith someone else, I've come up
with some magic mantras to helpyou manage your conflict with
mojo.
These are some of the ones thatI use that hopefully will be
there for you too.
So when it's time to speak up,just remind yourself I can do
hard things with love.
(16:14):
Tell yourself that discomfortis not danger.
That's a good one.
I really like that one, becauseour brain tries to trick us
sometimes, and sometimes welisten.
Or you can say to yourself I amnot responsible for how others
feel about my truth.
That one's really empowering.
(16:34):
And just remember that silenceis not peace and honesty is a
kindness.
So before you go, I want to tellyou a story.
I want to tell you about MayaNow.
I worked with Maya for a longtime and she left our office for
a big promotion at this othercompany and we got along super
well because we both had bigtime people pleasing tendencies
(16:57):
and we shared a lot of latenights doing all the extra work
and that we didn't have theballs to ask someone else to do
someone else to do.
Anyway, maya went on to thisnew job and she spent years
avoiding conflict at work and Iwould hear about it all the time
.
And it started right awaybecause she didn't want to rock
the boat.
She was the new girl.
She'd stay late, she'd pick upslack, she'd swallow her
(17:19):
opinions that I would end uphearing all about and she would
let all these little thingsslide, all in the name of being
a good team player.
But we would meet for coffeeand she would tell me all about
the new job and all the workstories.
And I could tell that rightbeneath the surface things
weren't right.
I could tell that inside shewas a little bit bitter, a
(17:40):
little bit burnt out and if Ireally looked at it she was
secretly resenting her wholeoffice.
So then one day she told meabout this awful meeting that
she was in, where she kepttrying to assert herself on a
subject that she was the expertin, and she kept getting
interrupted, talked over andmansplained.
And on top of that, her managerwrapped up the meeting with a
(18:02):
throwaway comment about her notspeaking up at meetings.
Ugh, snap, that was it.
The dam broke.
So I'm like eating my popcornwhile she's telling me about
this.
And she told me okay, it's like, what did you do?
And she's like, okay, I took abreath.
I went back to my office she'slike I had a little cry and then
(18:24):
I booked a one on one with mymanager and when she booked the
one-on-one, she was like allfired up in her head and she was
going to go in guns blazing.
But then, when the moment camefor her to sit with her boss,
she took a deep breath, shestepped over the fear and she
just told the truth.
She didn't rage, she didn't cry, which I'm super pumped about
(18:46):
for her.
She just laid it all out.
She talked about how she feltoverlooked and gave some
examples, and she talked abouthow this made her feel afraid to
speak and linked that back tothe comment that the manager had
given her in that meeting.
And then she just said outrightthat she wanted more clarity
and more feedback.
And you know what happened Hermanager listened.
(19:10):
Her manager was shocked butgrateful, and then together they
came up with a new plan and sheended up getting like regular
check-ins with her manager andextra support.
And she ended up getting anassistant, because nobody knew
how much extra work Maya wasdoing because she kept her mouth
shut.
And just like that, thingschanged.
(19:36):
Maya didn't burn the bridge,she rebuilt it and in doing so
she reshaped her relationshipsin the office.
She reframed how people saw herand this allowed her to show
even more of her capacity andeven more of her talent.
And now she walks into theoffice like a rock star.
And that is the power of onebrave conversation.
So for your final mojo, truthbomb, remember, conflict isn't
(19:59):
the enemy.
Avoidance is.
When you face something thatyou're afraid to say, you
actually reclaim your voice,your energy and your truth.
Conflict doesn't have to be abattlefield.
It can be a bridge or, evenbetter, it can be a ladder, a
way forward, a way up, a momentof growth, a turning point.
(20:20):
So the next time your stomachflips and your throat tightens
and you want to run, pause,breathe, channel your inner mojo
and say the thing you got thisand, just like that, you've got
your very own pocketful of mojo,and if this episode sparked
something for you, hit,subscribe, share it with your
(20:40):
people and maybe, just maybe,have that conversation that
you've been avoiding, because areal connection lives on the
other side of real talk.
I'm going to catch you nexttime, but until then, stay bold,
stay kind and stay full of mojo.
That's it for now.
This has been, steph, your mojomaven.
We'll see you next time.
(21:01):
Ciao, for now, you.
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