September 18, 2025 • 20 mins
That queasy feeling after setting a boundary isn't your conscience—it's your breakthrough. For recovering people-pleasers, the "guilt hangover" arrives like clockwork after we finally stand up for ourselves, bringing with it anxiety, second-guessing, and that unmistakable pit in our stomach.
But what if this discomfort isn't a warning sign at all? What if it's actually evidence that you're finally breaking free from patterns that have kept you small? Throughout this episode, we dive deep into why setting boundaries triggers such intense emotional reactions, especially for those of us who've been wired to believe our worth comes from keeping everyone else comfortable.
We explore what boundaries truly are (hint: not weapons or walls, but acts of clarity and care) and what they aren't. Through relatable analogies—like boundaries being the thermostat of your life or the foam that protects your internal battery—we redefine these essential tools for wellbeing. You'll learn to recognize when your guilt is simply your old operating system freaking out because you're challenging your survival programming.
The heart of this episode is the Four Rs method for moving through boundary guilt: Recognize the hangover, Return to your breath, Reframe the discomfort, and Ride it out. Through personal stories and practical examples, you'll discover how to implement these steps in real-life situations. Because the ultimate goal isn't eliminating guilt—it's retraining your brain to see boundaries as normal, healthy, and empowering.
Ready to transform your relationship with boundaries? Take our challenge to set one small boundary this week and practice moving through the guilt hangover with grace. Because every shaky "no" is a rep in the self-respect gym, and you've had a membership there all along. Your voice matters, your needs matter, and your energy deserves protection. Subscribe now and join our community of recovering people-pleasers who are learning that awkward is just the doorway to freedom.
Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Have you ever set a boundary and then immediately
felt like the world's worstperson?
Like one minute you're proudfor finally saying no, and then
the next minute you're likedrowning in guilt and anxiety
and questioning all your lifechoices and have this weird urge
to send an apology text.
Yeah, that's what we call theguilt hangover.
(00:33):
It's that pounding emotionalheadache that you get right
after you do something that'sactually good for you, but it
feels totally foreign anduncomfortable, especially if
you've been a lifelong peoplepleaser.
It's like you've betrayed youridentity somehow.
But here's the thing you have,but in the very best way
(00:55):
Confusing, absolutely.
And that's why you tune in here, you gorgeous little flower.
So on this episode, we're goingto dig into exactly why
boundaries trigger that guilthangover and what it really
means and, most importantly, howto move through it without
running back to your old habits,because ain't nobody got time
(01:15):
for that.
We are here to move forward.
So by the end of the episode,you're going to know exactly how
to spot the guilt hangover, howto ride it out and how to
actually feel good aboutstanding up for yourself.
Doesn't that sound amazing, Iknow.
So let's dive in.
Let's start the way we alwaysdo and take a deep breath and
(01:36):
get tuned in, tapped in andturned on.
Hey, hey, mojo Rinos, how's itgoing?
How's it flowing?
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo,the podcast that helps you set
(01:58):
boundaries and ditch the burnoutand finally feel at home in
your own skin.
And I'm so glad you're here,because today we're talking
about something that everypeople pleaser runs into.
The second they start settingboundaries and that's the guilt
hangover.
And if you've ever had a realhangover, like the alcohol
inspired kind, then you probablyhad that moment when you're
like, oh, I'm never going todrink again.
(02:18):
Now imagine what would happenif you listen to your guilt
hangover and never set anotherboundary.
I personally couldn't live withmyself, and you deserve to have
a badass relationship withboundaries and a relationship
with boundaries that serves you,not punishes you.
So we're here to set you upwhere there's more boundaries,
(02:39):
less feeling awful about it,because if I say boundaries and
your whole body tenses up, thenwe got work to do.
I mean, you know that feeling.
I know that feeling.
You finally say no, you finallyspeak up for yourself, you
stepped outside your comfortzone and, instead of the
applause and the ticker tapeparade that you actually deserve
(02:59):
, you get hit with waves ofanxiety and second guessing and
that heavy pit in your stomach.
We know that ugly little trio,right.
So you start wondering if youwere too much or maybe too harsh
, or maybe even just a flat outbad person, and that does not
seem like a fair setup.
(03:19):
And let's be clear a boundaryisn't necessarily like a rule of
law that you have to establishand announce to everybody, and
it's certainly not a way tocontrol how other people behave.
It's not an ultimatum, it's nota do this or you're out, and
it's absolutely not a form ofrejection or shutting people
down, and it's not a way to makeyourself untouchable.
(03:43):
It's literally the opposite.
It is a user manual for how youwant to be treated.
And, yeah, you can do thatbecause, as it turns out, you're
in charge.
And I bring up this list of allthese other things because these
are the things that our brainis going to try to tell us as
truths, because it wants to keepus in our old ways, because
(04:05):
then it's predictable and safe.
But these old and outdated,dusty definitions, well, they
feel scary when you really lookat them, because they frame
boundaries as weapons orultimatums or walls.
But what a boundary actually isis.
It's an act of clarity and careand self-advocacy and
(04:26):
protection.
And I don't know about you, butI know that in my toolbox I'd
rather have those than a bunchof weapons.
So let's anchor ourselves ineveryday, relatable descriptions
of what boundaries actually are, and I've been able to have
some really cool conversationswith people about boundaries and
this is kind of what we came upwith in addition to you know
(04:47):
some of my research and thingslike that.
And and one of the things thatreally clarified it for me was
it's a line between what drainsyou and what sustains you.
Right, because only you knowthe answer.
Nobody else can dictate whatyour boundaries could or should
be, because first you have toask that question Does it drain
me or does it sustain me?
(05:08):
It's like a boundary is afilter that keeps the junk out
and the good stuff can comethrough.
Another great analogy was theseatbelt.
The seatbelt for yourwell-being.
It doesn't restrict you, itkeeps you safe, and if you've
ever seen me car dancing, youknow that you can get some
pretty fierce shit done with aseatbelt on.
So keep that in mind.
(05:29):
And a boundary is a permissionslip that you write for yourself
.
It doesn't require a cosigner.
That's important because thatwould be ridiculous.
And there's some other goodold-fashioned visual analogies.
If you're like me, you know.
It's that foam battery youdon't let it die without
recharging it.
It's your closet, you don'tjust let anything go in there.
(05:50):
Or your front door.
You get to decide who gets akey, who gets to knock and who
just doesn't get to come in atall.
But the best one, I think, isthe thermostat.
You set the temperature to whatfeels right to you.
So now I feel like we're ongood footing and we've
established what a boundary isand what it's not.
(06:11):
So we're going to reset thestage when it comes to
boundaries, because we knowabout the guilt hangover.
Right, we're going to holdhands and say to each other yes,
it's not just guilt, it's thetight chest, it's the racing
thoughts about what those peopleare thinking about you.
It's questioning if you're oneof those people that are too
(06:31):
much or too harsh, becauseyou've seen those people and you
don't want to be those people.
And it's that pit in yourstomach dread that you've ruined
something which, to a peoplepleaser, is obviously the end of
the world.
So if this sounds familiar,it's not because you've been
doing something wrong.
You've just been doingsomething different, because the
truth behind the guilt is thatwe have this operating system.
(06:55):
It's like a hard drive that wasset up when we were kids
through how we were parented,our education, our influences,
our family, the TV we watched ordidn't watch, and as people
pleasers, we've been wired,right or wrong, with or without
intent, to believe that ourworth comes from keeping
everyone else comfortable.
So when you set a boundary,your nervous system freaks out.
(07:19):
It thinks you're breaking yourown rules of survival.
But what if I told you thatthere's more and that this isn't
the end?
Because here's the truth, thisnasty guilt hangover.
It's not a sign you're doingsomething wrong, despite how it
feels.
It's a sign that you're growingBecause remember, feelings
aren't facts and the louder theyshow up.
(07:41):
We just got to pay moreattention to why am I feeling
this way?
And the guilt hangover is proofthat you've just exercised a
new muscle, just like liftingweights.
After the first rep, your armskind of shake, but that doesn't
mean you're doing it wrong.
It means that you're buildingstrength.
But you're not going to shakeforever.
(08:01):
It'll change.
You can change.
You are in charge of therelationship that you have with
yourself.
And if you're done with beatingyourself up and talking shit
about decisions that you makethat are in your own best
interest, then let's keep going.
So let's have a look at how youknow that you're doing it right.
(08:22):
You're going to want to lookfor these signs.
So tough talk, alert.
You're going to want to lookfor these signs.
So tough talk, alert.
It's going to be uncomfortableat first.
If it's easy, you probablydidn't set a real boundary.
Another sign you're doing itright you're going to second
guess yourself and that's yourold people pleasing voice
putting up its hand, waving itabout, trying to talk you out of
(08:43):
the progress.
Or maybe another person isgoing to react, not always badly
, but boundaries do shift thedynamic and people notice.
So if you feel any combinationof those, congratulations.
That is the guilt hangover andit's a sign that you're on the
right track.
So here's an example I canshare with you about something I
(09:04):
did recently where this poppedup.
Here's an example I can sharewith you about something I did
recently where this popped up.
So when I'm not out masteringmojo, I also double as my 87
year old dad's primary caregiver, and it's a 24-7 undertaking.
And while I have the privilegeof holding this role, it's too
(09:25):
much for just me.
So my brother comes and givesme some respite a few times a
week and I'm super grateful forthat.
So our deal is that he comes byMonday, wednesday, friday,
nine-ish to five-ish.
It's great, I can beep booparound the city and like do all
my things or not, or whatever.
But it also leaves me out ofany socializing on evenings and
weekends, which can be isolating, and while he has a wife and
(09:47):
kid and this works great for him, but it means that my social
life can be lukewarm at best.
Now don't get me wrong.
My brother has been great aboutany you know, ad hoc requests
that I have and he's beenflexible and accommodating and
I'm again super grateful.
But he's not advocating for meto get out more, so I have to do
(10:10):
it for myself or not.
But I can't ask for zero helpand then feel bad that I'm not
getting any help.
See how that works.
So the other day a veryhandsome and lovely opportunity
came up for me to go out on aSaturday Huzzah.
But this meant that I had to goask for special scheduling
(10:31):
requests and the old peoplepleaser, showed up and I
instantly got the knot in mystomach and my brain flooded me
with reasons why my brother willsay no and reasons why I
shouldn't advocate for what Iwanted.
But, stephanie, you alreadyasked for a Saturday off this
month.
His kid is back in school andweekends are precious for him.
(10:51):
Don't push it.
What if he gets annoyed?
What if he says no?
What if that's the day thatsomething happens with dad and
you're not there?
And when I indulge in thoughtslike that, I freeze, and you
probably do too.
So let's have a look at theprocess of moving through it,
because it's going to happen.
But mojo mastery is the abilityto spend less time there.
(11:15):
Now, if it was me five yearsago, I just wouldn't have asked
at all If it was in the leastway inconveniencing someone else
.
It was just not going to happen.
So let's talk about how toactually move through it instead
of spiraling back into apologymode.
So we've got four R's.
We're going to work through thefour R's to get through the
(11:36):
guilt hangover.
So the first R is recognizethat hangover, call it out.
This feeling is a guilthangover.
It is temporary and it doesn'tmean that I'm wrong.
This feeling is a guilthangover.
It is temporary and it doesn'tmean that I'm wrong.
The second R return to yourbreath, put a hand on your chest
, take a few deep breaths andremind your nervous system that
(11:57):
you're safe.
The third R is to reframe.
Reframe the guilt, put it underthe microscope, ask it.
Did I hurt them?
Did I honor myself?
And then the fourth hour isride it out.
Give it time.
Guilt is going to fade fasterthan regret and, trust me,
regret for betraying yourselfturns into resentment and it's
(12:22):
gross and sticky and it lastsway longer than the discomfort
of guilt.
So if we go back to the examplewith my brother, I absolutely
recognized the guilt hangover.
Before I even sent the requestto my brother, the inner
saboteur showed up and startedflooding my brain with all those
reasons to not advocate formyself so that I could stay in
(12:45):
safety with my originaloperating system, and I called
it out right away.
I was like listen, charlie, gohome, you're drunk, no one needs
you at the party, this is thetime for self-advocacy.
And at the time the thoughtshad crept in while I was driving
.
So I kind of said to myself Iwas like this kind of energy is
(13:06):
not allowed back in the house.
So I sat in the driveway and Iput my hand on my heart and I
returned to my breath and theobjective there is that when you
do that, there's nothing butyou and your breath.
There is nothing else thatexists but you and your breath.
No good thoughts, no badthoughts, just baseline
breathing.
Then I went into the reframe andthat's when my inner advocate
(13:30):
showed up, who's been to the gyma couple of times.
So that's when the voice camein you do so much, you don't
know how he'll respond.
You are worthy of asking forwhat you need.
You're honoring yourself byasking and all of these things.
And then I was just like, yeah,I was like a crowd that was
getting a cheerlead.
I was just like, yeah, I do dothings, yes, I am honoring
(13:52):
myself and it feels good.
And it's like the tide shiftedand between the breath, work and
the positive self-talk, I wasable to realign my mojo before
going back in that house, I wasable to tune into what was real
and what was imagined.
And by the time I put thegroceries down in the kitchen,
those thoughts that were drivenby fear and discomfort, they
(14:14):
were long gone.
They disappeared as quickly asthey came.
And you know what my brotherresponded with no problemo and a
little thumbs up emoji, becausewe're Gen Xers and that emoji
is not offensive.
So you know the more you know.
But no, there was no shaming,there was no negotiating, the
Spanish Inquisition was nowhereto be found.
(14:35):
So I'm just going to ask you,like in the moments when you're
trying to offset the guiltbrigade, just ask yourself is
this battle real or imagined?
Because the ultimate solutionhere isn't to eliminate guilt.
This isn't what we're talkingabout.
It's to retrain your brain tosee boundaries as normal, to see
(14:56):
them as healthy, to see them asloving, to see them as proof of
how much you love yourself, tosee them as evidence of you
knowing what you need and whatyou don't, because you're
building an updated operatingsystem and it's one that sees
them as empowering and lovingand as actions that you take for
(15:18):
you, which is pretty much thebest reason to do anything right
.
So when you practice, here'swhat changes you stop over
explaining, you stop apologizing, which gives you way more free
time and energy for what mattersto you, and you're gonna start
to attract relationships thatrespect your limits, because
(15:39):
they can identify them clearly,instead of attracting
relationships that drain you dryand that's the payoff.
That's the real, tangibleoutcome for a recovering people
pleaser.
Freedom, peace, energy andthose are the ingredients you
need to make a life that youactually want.
Like, did my brother ask me whyI needed the switch?
(16:01):
No, did I have to prepare aPowerPoint presentation
explaining and justifying therequest for a weekend day off?
Also, no.
So here's the thing the guilthangover isn't proof that you've
messed up.
It's proof that you're levelingup.
Every shaky, no, every momentyou stand your ground, every
(16:23):
time you honor yourself.
It's a rep in the gym, theself-respect gym, and you've had
a membership here all along.
It's just time that you startusing it.
And now you know how.
And, yeah, like, literallyeverything else that you do for
the first time is gonna beawkward.
But awkward is the doorway tofreedom ps, there's a whole
(16:44):
episode two weeks ago about that, so check it out.
And, babe, you can handle alittle bit of awkward and that's
a mojo guarantee right there.
Because, fuck, perfect, youdon't need to be perfect.
You don't need to explainyourself.
You just need to keep choosingyou, because every time you do,
you're rewriting the story ofyour life, one where your voice
(17:07):
matters, your needs matter andyour energy is protected.
And, oh my God, you did that.
And with a few reps, there willcome a day in the not so
distant future where you can dothis automatically hangover free
in your power, and it's goingto feel good.
So let's get some reps in.
I want to leave you with a weechallenge this week Set one
(17:31):
boundary, just one.
Say the thing, ask for what youneed, express what you desire
Just one time, and then, whenthat guilt hangover hits, you're
going to see it coming, butyou're not going to run from it.
You're going to recognize,return to your breath, reframe
it and remember you are worthy,you are great, you are empowered
(17:57):
to do this and you're exactlywhere you need to be.
And you're not here to playsmall.
You're here to rise, and theworld is better when you do so.
Here's the takeaway today theguilt hangover is not a red flag
.
It's one of those green lightswe're looking out for.
(18:17):
It means you're finallystepping out of the old
operating system and into yourpower.
Boundaries don't just protectyour time.
They protect your energy, youridentity and your future.
So, if this resonated with youat all, do yourself that favor.
Pick one small boundary to setthis week and when the guilt
hangover shows up, you're justgoing to smile, because that's
(18:40):
the sound of healing.
And hey, if you need a littleboost to steady your nerves and
keep your focus while youpractice, you should probably
grab some mojo gummies.
That's it.
I'm giving you a little ad herebecause they're actually
designed to help you calm thechaos and fuel your focus and
(19:01):
tune in and keep your energysteady, because we've picked up
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So, just because you're pretty,I dropped a 15% off code for
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I dare you to tell me otherwise.
So do yourself a favor, grabsome today, thank me later.
(19:21):
So, my friends, that's it forme today.
I'm going to leave you, but Iwant to thank you so much, not
just for showing up here today,but for showing up for yourself.
So until next time, keep yourhead up, keep your heart strong
and keep that mojo rising.
This has been, steph, yourfavorite mojo maven signing off
(19:43):
Toodaloo kangaroo.
Love you Bye.
Have you ever set a boundary and then immediately
felt like the world's worstperson?
Like one minute you're proudfor finally saying no, and then
the next minute you're likedrowning in guilt and anxiety
and questioning all your lifechoices and have this weird urge
to send an apology text.
Yeah, that's what we call theguilt hangover.
(00:33):
It's that pounding emotionalheadache that you get right
after you do something that'sactually good for you, but it
feels totally foreign anduncomfortable, especially if
you've been a lifelong peoplepleaser.
It's like you've betrayed youridentity somehow.
But here's the thing you have,but in the very best way
(00:55):
Confusing, absolutely.
And that's why you tune in here, you gorgeous little flower.
So on this episode, we're goingto dig into exactly why
boundaries trigger that guilthangover and what it really
means and, most importantly, howto move through it without
running back to your old habits,because ain't nobody got time
(01:15):
for that.
We are here to move forward.
So by the end of the episode,you're going to know exactly how
to spot the guilt hangover, howto ride it out and how to
actually feel good aboutstanding up for yourself.
Doesn't that sound amazing, Iknow.
So let's dive in.
Let's start the way we alwaysdo and take a deep breath and
(01:36):
get tuned in, tapped in andturned on.
Hey, hey, mojo Rinos, how's itgoing?
How's it flowing?
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo,the podcast that helps you set
(01:58):
boundaries and ditch the burnoutand finally feel at home in
your own skin.
And I'm so glad you're here,because today we're talking
about something that everypeople pleaser runs into.
The second they start settingboundaries and that's the guilt
hangover.
And if you've ever had a realhangover, like the alcohol
inspired kind, then you probablyhad that moment when you're
like, oh, I'm never going todrink again.
(02:18):
Now imagine what would happenif you listen to your guilt
hangover and never set anotherboundary.
I personally couldn't live withmyself, and you deserve to have
a badass relationship withboundaries and a relationship
with boundaries that serves you,not punishes you.
So we're here to set you upwhere there's more boundaries,
(02:39):
less feeling awful about it,because if I say boundaries and
your whole body tenses up, thenwe got work to do.
I mean, you know that feeling.
I know that feeling.
You finally say no, you finallyspeak up for yourself, you
stepped outside your comfortzone and, instead of the
applause and the ticker tapeparade that you actually deserve
(02:59):
, you get hit with waves ofanxiety and second guessing and
that heavy pit in your stomach.
We know that ugly little trio,right.
So you start wondering if youwere too much or maybe too harsh
, or maybe even just a flat outbad person, and that does not
seem like a fair setup.
(03:19):
And let's be clear a boundaryisn't necessarily like a rule of
law that you have to establishand announce to everybody, and
it's certainly not a way tocontrol how other people behave.
It's not an ultimatum, it's nota do this or you're out, and
it's absolutely not a form ofrejection or shutting people
down, and it's not a way to makeyourself untouchable.
(03:43):
It's literally the opposite.
It is a user manual for how youwant to be treated.
And, yeah, you can do thatbecause, as it turns out, you're
in charge.
And I bring up this list of allthese other things because these
are the things that our brainis going to try to tell us as
truths, because it wants to keepus in our old ways, because
(04:05):
then it's predictable and safe.
But these old and outdated,dusty definitions, well, they
feel scary when you really lookat them, because they frame
boundaries as weapons orultimatums or walls.
But what a boundary actually isis.
It's an act of clarity and careand self-advocacy and
(04:26):
protection.
And I don't know about you, butI know that in my toolbox I'd
rather have those than a bunchof weapons.
So let's anchor ourselves ineveryday, relatable descriptions
of what boundaries actually are, and I've been able to have
some really cool conversationswith people about boundaries and
this is kind of what we came upwith in addition to you know
(04:47):
some of my research and thingslike that.
And and one of the things thatreally clarified it for me was
it's a line between what drainsyou and what sustains you.
Right, because only you knowthe answer.
Nobody else can dictate whatyour boundaries could or should
be, because first you have toask that question Does it drain
me or does it sustain me?
(05:08):
It's like a boundary is afilter that keeps the junk out
and the good stuff can comethrough.
Another great analogy was theseatbelt.
The seatbelt for yourwell-being.
It doesn't restrict you, itkeeps you safe, and if you've
ever seen me car dancing, youknow that you can get some
pretty fierce shit done with aseatbelt on.
So keep that in mind.
(05:29):
And a boundary is a permissionslip that you write for yourself
.
It doesn't require a cosigner.
That's important because thatwould be ridiculous.
And there's some other goodold-fashioned visual analogies.
If you're like me, you know.
It's that foam battery youdon't let it die without
recharging it.
It's your closet, you don'tjust let anything go in there.
(05:50):
Or your front door.
You get to decide who gets akey, who gets to knock and who
just doesn't get to come in atall.
But the best one, I think, isthe thermostat.
You set the temperature to whatfeels right to you.
So now I feel like we're ongood footing and we've
established what a boundary isand what it's not.
(06:11):
So we're going to reset thestage when it comes to
boundaries, because we knowabout the guilt hangover.
Right, we're going to holdhands and say to each other yes,
it's not just guilt, it's thetight chest, it's the racing
thoughts about what those peopleare thinking about you.
It's questioning if you're oneof those people that are too
(06:31):
much or too harsh, becauseyou've seen those people and you
don't want to be those people.
And it's that pit in yourstomach dread that you've ruined
something which, to a peoplepleaser, is obviously the end of
the world.
So if this sounds familiar,it's not because you've been
doing something wrong.
You've just been doingsomething different, because the
truth behind the guilt is thatwe have this operating system.
(06:55):
It's like a hard drive that wasset up when we were kids
through how we were parented,our education, our influences,
our family, the TV we watched ordidn't watch, and as people
pleasers, we've been wired,right or wrong, with or without
intent, to believe that ourworth comes from keeping
everyone else comfortable.
So when you set a boundary,your nervous system freaks out.
(07:19):
It thinks you're breaking yourown rules of survival.
But what if I told you thatthere's more and that this isn't
the end?
Because here's the truth, thisnasty guilt hangover.
It's not a sign you're doingsomething wrong, despite how it
feels.
It's a sign that you're growingBecause remember, feelings
aren't facts and the louder theyshow up.
(07:41):
We just got to pay moreattention to why am I feeling
this way?
And the guilt hangover is proofthat you've just exercised a
new muscle, just like liftingweights.
After the first rep, your armskind of shake, but that doesn't
mean you're doing it wrong.
It means that you're buildingstrength.
But you're not going to shakeforever.
(08:01):
It'll change.
You can change.
You are in charge of therelationship that you have with
yourself.
And if you're done with beatingyourself up and talking shit
about decisions that you makethat are in your own best
interest, then let's keep going.
So let's have a look at how youknow that you're doing it right.
(08:22):
You're going to want to lookfor these signs.
So tough talk, alert.
You're going to want to lookfor these signs.
So tough talk, alert.
It's going to be uncomfortableat first.
If it's easy, you probablydidn't set a real boundary.
Another sign you're doing itright you're going to second
guess yourself and that's yourold people pleasing voice
putting up its hand, waving itabout, trying to talk you out of
(08:43):
the progress.
Or maybe another person isgoing to react, not always badly
, but boundaries do shift thedynamic and people notice.
So if you feel any combinationof those, congratulations.
That is the guilt hangover andit's a sign that you're on the
right track.
So here's an example I canshare with you about something I
(09:04):
did recently where this poppedup.
Here's an example I can sharewith you about something I did
recently where this popped up.
So when I'm not out masteringmojo, I also double as my 87
year old dad's primary caregiver, and it's a 24-7 undertaking.
And while I have the privilegeof holding this role, it's too
(09:25):
much for just me.
So my brother comes and givesme some respite a few times a
week and I'm super grateful forthat.
So our deal is that he comes byMonday, wednesday, friday,
nine-ish to five-ish.
It's great, I can beep booparound the city and like do all
my things or not, or whatever.
But it also leaves me out ofany socializing on evenings and
weekends, which can be isolating, and while he has a wife and
(09:47):
kid and this works great for him, but it means that my social
life can be lukewarm at best.
Now don't get me wrong.
My brother has been great aboutany you know, ad hoc requests
that I have and he's beenflexible and accommodating and
I'm again super grateful.
But he's not advocating for meto get out more, so I have to do
(10:10):
it for myself or not.
But I can't ask for zero helpand then feel bad that I'm not
getting any help.
See how that works.
So the other day a veryhandsome and lovely opportunity
came up for me to go out on aSaturday Huzzah.
But this meant that I had to goask for special scheduling
(10:31):
requests and the old peoplepleaser, showed up and I
instantly got the knot in mystomach and my brain flooded me
with reasons why my brother willsay no and reasons why I
shouldn't advocate for what Iwanted.
But, stephanie, you alreadyasked for a Saturday off this
month.
His kid is back in school andweekends are precious for him.
(10:51):
Don't push it.
What if he gets annoyed?
What if he says no?
What if that's the day thatsomething happens with dad and
you're not there?
And when I indulge in thoughtslike that, I freeze, and you
probably do too.
So let's have a look at theprocess of moving through it,
because it's going to happen.
But mojo mastery is the abilityto spend less time there.
(11:15):
Now, if it was me five yearsago, I just wouldn't have asked
at all If it was in the leastway inconveniencing someone else
.
It was just not going to happen.
So let's talk about how toactually move through it instead
of spiraling back into apologymode.
So we've got four R's.
We're going to work through thefour R's to get through the
(11:36):
guilt hangover.
So the first R is recognizethat hangover, call it out.
This feeling is a guilthangover.
It is temporary and it doesn'tmean that I'm wrong.
This feeling is a guilthangover.
It is temporary and it doesn'tmean that I'm wrong.
The second R return to yourbreath, put a hand on your chest
, take a few deep breaths andremind your nervous system that
(11:57):
you're safe.
The third R is to reframe.
Reframe the guilt, put it underthe microscope, ask it.
Did I hurt them?
Did I honor myself?
And then the fourth hour isride it out.
Give it time.
Guilt is going to fade fasterthan regret and, trust me,
regret for betraying yourselfturns into resentment and it's
(12:22):
gross and sticky and it lastsway longer than the discomfort
of guilt.
So if we go back to the examplewith my brother, I absolutely
recognized the guilt hangover.
Before I even sent the requestto my brother, the inner
saboteur showed up and startedflooding my brain with all those
reasons to not advocate formyself so that I could stay in
(12:45):
safety with my originaloperating system, and I called
it out right away.
I was like listen, charlie, gohome, you're drunk, no one needs
you at the party, this is thetime for self-advocacy.
And at the time the thoughtshad crept in while I was driving
.
So I kind of said to myself Iwas like this kind of energy is
(13:06):
not allowed back in the house.
So I sat in the driveway and Iput my hand on my heart and I
returned to my breath and theobjective there is that when you
do that, there's nothing butyou and your breath.
There is nothing else thatexists but you and your breath.
No good thoughts, no badthoughts, just baseline
breathing.
Then I went into the reframe andthat's when my inner advocate
(13:30):
showed up, who's been to the gyma couple of times.
So that's when the voice camein you do so much, you don't
know how he'll respond.
You are worthy of asking forwhat you need.
You're honoring yourself byasking and all of these things.
And then I was just like, yeah,I was like a crowd that was
getting a cheerlead.
I was just like, yeah, I do dothings, yes, I am honoring
(13:52):
myself and it feels good.
And it's like the tide shiftedand between the breath, work and
the positive self-talk, I wasable to realign my mojo before
going back in that house, I wasable to tune into what was real
and what was imagined.
And by the time I put thegroceries down in the kitchen,
those thoughts that were drivenby fear and discomfort, they
(14:14):
were long gone.
They disappeared as quickly asthey came.
And you know what my brotherresponded with no problemo and a
little thumbs up emoji, becausewe're Gen Xers and that emoji
is not offensive.
So you know the more you know.
But no, there was no shaming,there was no negotiating, the
Spanish Inquisition was nowhereto be found.
(14:35):
So I'm just going to ask you,like in the moments when you're
trying to offset the guiltbrigade, just ask yourself is
this battle real or imagined?
Because the ultimate solutionhere isn't to eliminate guilt.
This isn't what we're talkingabout.
It's to retrain your brain tosee boundaries as normal, to see
(14:56):
them as healthy, to see them asloving, to see them as proof of
how much you love yourself, tosee them as evidence of you
knowing what you need and whatyou don't, because you're
building an updated operatingsystem and it's one that sees
them as empowering and lovingand as actions that you take for
(15:18):
you, which is pretty much thebest reason to do anything right
.
So when you practice, here'swhat changes you stop over
explaining, you stop apologizing, which gives you way more free
time and energy for what mattersto you, and you're gonna start
to attract relationships thatrespect your limits, because
(15:39):
they can identify them clearly,instead of attracting
relationships that drain you dryand that's the payoff.
That's the real, tangibleoutcome for a recovering people
pleaser.
Freedom, peace, energy andthose are the ingredients you
need to make a life that youactually want.
Like, did my brother ask me whyI needed the switch?
(16:01):
No, did I have to prepare aPowerPoint presentation
explaining and justifying therequest for a weekend day off?
Also, no.
So here's the thing the guilthangover isn't proof that you've
messed up.
It's proof that you're levelingup.
Every shaky, no, every momentyou stand your ground, every
(16:23):
time you honor yourself.
It's a rep in the gym, theself-respect gym, and you've had
a membership here all along.
It's just time that you startusing it.
And now you know how.
And, yeah, like, literallyeverything else that you do for
the first time is gonna beawkward.
But awkward is the doorway tofreedom ps, there's a whole
(16:44):
episode two weeks ago about that, so check it out.
And, babe, you can handle alittle bit of awkward and that's
a mojo guarantee right there.
Because, fuck, perfect, youdon't need to be perfect.
You don't need to explainyourself.
You just need to keep choosingyou, because every time you do,
you're rewriting the story ofyour life, one where your voice
(17:07):
matters, your needs matter andyour energy is protected.
And, oh my God, you did that.
And with a few reps, there willcome a day in the not so
distant future where you can dothis automatically hangover free
in your power, and it's goingto feel good.
So let's get some reps in.
I want to leave you with a weechallenge this week Set one
(17:31):
boundary, just one.
Say the thing, ask for what youneed, express what you desire
Just one time, and then, whenthat guilt hangover hits, you're
going to see it coming, butyou're not going to run from it.
You're going to recognize,return to your breath, reframe
it and remember you are worthy,you are great, you are empowered
(17:57):
to do this and you're exactlywhere you need to be.
And you're not here to playsmall.
You're here to rise, and theworld is better when you do so.
Here's the takeaway today theguilt hangover is not a red flag
.
It's one of those green lightswe're looking out for.
(18:17):
It means you're finallystepping out of the old
operating system and into yourpower.
Boundaries don't just protectyour time.
They protect your energy, youridentity and your future.
So, if this resonated with youat all, do yourself that favor.
Pick one small boundary to setthis week and when the guilt
hangover shows up, you're justgoing to smile, because that's
(18:40):
the sound of healing.
And hey, if you need a littleboost to steady your nerves and
keep your focus while youpractice, you should probably
grab some mojo gummies.
That's it.
I'm giving you a little ad herebecause they're actually
designed to help you calm thechaos and fuel your focus and
(19:01):
tune in and keep your energysteady, because we've picked up
a new hobby and it's called likeditching the chaos.
So, just because you're pretty,I dropped a 15% off code for
the smarty pantses to takeadvantage of, and it's a great
deal on an amazing product.
I dare you to tell me otherwise.
So do yourself a favor, grabsome today, thank me later.
(19:21):
So, my friends, that's it forme today.
I'm going to leave you, but Iwant to thank you so much, not
just for showing up here today,but for showing up for yourself.
So until next time, keep yourhead up, keep your heart strong
and keep that mojo rising.
This has been, steph, yourfavorite mojo maven signing off
(19:43):
Toodaloo kangaroo.
Love you Bye.
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