April 29, 2025 • 25 mins
We unpack what the popular "Let Them Theory" doesn't tell you and why finding your "Let Me" energy is essential for true freedom and fulfillment. The missing piece isn't just about letting others go, but discovering what you truly want after years of people-pleasing.
• The "Let Them Theory" is powerful but incomplete without knowing what you want for yourself
• Many people-pleasers have lost touch with their authentic desires after years of making others happy
• Achievement without alignment equals exhaustion, not joy
• Success isn't about external approval but inner peace and fulfillment
• How to conduct a "dream audit" to discover if your goals are truly yours
• Physical and emotional signals that indicate whether a goal excites or exhausts you
• Journal prompts to help uncover your authentic desires and aspirations
• The ultimate test: Would you still pursue your dream if nobody ever applauded?
Your mojo move this week: Pick one dream and honestly ask yourself, "Is this dream really mine?" If not, today is the perfect day to start building one that is.
Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friends, welcome to Pocketful of Mojo.
Today we're gonna talk aboutwhat the let them theory doesn't
tell you and how to finish thesentence when they say let me.
You've probably heard about thelet them theory floating around
the social medias, right, youknow the vibe.
If they wanna leave, let them.
(00:20):
If they wanna talk, trash, letthem.
If they don't show up for you,let them.
And listen.
It's cute.
There's a real freedom inreleasing that death grip we
sometimes have on how otherpeople act.
And, as recovering peoplepleasers, we sometimes struggle
to figure out who we are andwhat we want when we're not
(00:41):
taking care of everyone else.
But and you knew there was abut, didn't you?
The let them theory leaves outone major thing you can't fully
let them until you know whatyou're letting yourself do.
You have to find your own.
Let me energy.
So today we're going to diginto what I consider the
(01:04):
pre-work that will make theimpact of the Let them Theory
really take hold.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven andmaker of this podcast, created
so that we could have a spacewhere we tune in, to get tapped
in and turned on to our beststuff, to get tapped in and
(01:29):
turned on to our best stuff.
So normally my intros have beengetting really long and going
on and on about how mojo is,that feeling of being
unstoppable, that force ofnature that we really are, and I
rattle on and on about how mylife used to be a dumpster fire,
where my marriage ended and mymom died and I moved home to
Canada from France to take careof my dad and myself and have
(01:49):
since rebuilt my life fromscratch.
But thanks to Mojo, I'm notonly back on track, but I'm
better than I've ever been.
And now you're here, so youmust be looking to tap into your
Mojo too.
Welcome, my friend.
I'm glad you're here Now.
Together we can dig into ourown mojo to navigate this life
(02:11):
on purpose and remember thatthis life has way fewer rules
than we were led to believe.
And I can tell you this fromauthority, because since
discovering the power of mojo,I've promoted myself to
president of doing whatever Iwant, and no one's come to stop
me.
So I'm here as a fellow flawedhuman to remind you that you can
(02:34):
start from where you are, youcan be who you want to be, and
our beliefs are just thoughtsthat we think over and over
again.
I'm just here to gently remindyou that the best days are still
ahead.
If you want, you're in chargeand I'm here to be your
emotional Sherpa, help younavigate the messy bits in the
(02:54):
middle between where you are nowand where you want to go.
The main ingredients areself-love, self-awareness and an
unbreakable relationship withwhat you truly want intention
and empowerment.
That's mojo, and you've alreadygot it.
It's just been sleeping.
So today's episode, we're goingto unpack some of the sound
(03:15):
bites that are saturating theself-help world at the moment
and help you navigate your placeinside all of the advice
floating around out there.
But before we begin, a quicklove note, because, first things
first.
If you know me, you know I'm afan of Mel Robbins.
I mean, come on the straighttalking.
Check no fluff motivation,check Turning light bulb moments
(03:38):
into actual change.
Girl same.
In fact, if you vibe with Mel,you're probably going to feel
right at home here at MojoMastery, because we're walking
the same path of helping youditch the bullshit, build real
confidence and live a life thatactually feels as good as it
looks.
So hear me loud and clear thisis not a let's drag Mel moment.
(04:02):
This is a let's take a powerfulidea and make it even more
transformational moment.
Because here's the truth.
Nobody's really talking about.
The let them theory isbrilliant, but if you don't do
the pre-work it can leave youstanding there like, okay, now
what?
And that's where Mojo Masterycomes in.
(04:24):
With Mojo Mastery we're aboutbuilding the deep foundation,
the unshakable self-knowledge,the clarity, the soul fire that
makes let them not just a catchyslogan but a whole damn way of
life.
All right.
So now that we're all friendshere, let's get into it.
So if you're even remotely onsocial media and consume content
(04:45):
that's even slightly self-helpadjacent, then you will likely
have heard of Mel Robbins' book,the Let them Theory.
Me too, I had been a fan ofMel's for a while, listened to
her talks, her podcasts, herguest spots, the soundbites, and
have quite the collection ofaha moments thanks to a lot of
those mediums.
Then came the big book.
(05:07):
It was everywhere.
The algorithm really got mynumber because I was learning a
lot about this let them theorybefore I even cracked the book.
Then a few of my gal palentrepreneurs were looking for a
good reason to get together andthey came up with the idea of a
book club.
Our first book, you guessed it,the Let them Theory.
So, with every copy in the citysold out, I leaned on my trusty
(05:31):
Audible app and downloaded.
I Did, and as I was listeningto the book, I felt really tuned
in to everything Mel was sayingand as I kept going through the
book I felt an alignment and Ifelt really seen and really
understood.
And then Mel got to the partwhere she introduces the much
less famous part of the let themtheory, which is the let me
(05:52):
part.
Boom, this is game changing, Ithought.
So if you haven't read the bookyet, the key piece of
information comes after she'sdefined the let them portion of
the theory.
In chapter two of Mel's book,she adds that after the let them
comes the let me this criticalaction of letting yourself take
(06:16):
ownership, and emphasizes theimportance of not only allowing
others to be themselves that'sthe let them part but also
taking accountability andresponsibility for your own
actions and responses, andthat's the let me part.
So Mel goes through this twopart approach and colors it with
personal anecdotes aboutfeeling excluded, like when her
(06:39):
friends went on a trip withouther, and she gave a few other
really good examples, and shereally paints a good picture of
how letting go.
It gives you this certain kindof relief, and it comes from a
very mature place, and sheexplains what comes after you've
let them and how.
This is your cue to now pivotinto what serves you, instead of
(07:01):
seeing life through theapproval or the acceptance of
other people.
You, instead of seeing lifethrough the approval or the
acceptance of other people.
Good stuff, right?
Well, maybe not.
Let me explain.
You see, mel is 56.
I'm 46.
And as I got about halfwaythrough the book, it hit me.
You see, if I had read thisbook 10 years ago, or even five
(07:21):
years ago, I would have beencompletely wrecked by the let
them theory.
I would feel empowered totolerate other people's energy
and get off the bus of otherpeople's wishes and expectations
.
But then what?
I would be off of the peoplepleasing bus, sure, but then I'd
just be left on the side of theroad alone, with no compass and
(07:45):
no roadmap to where I want togo.
Because the truth is is, untilrecently, and until I found my
mojo, I really had no idea whatI wanted.
Because, you see, I was sodeeply rooted in making other
people happy that I had losttouch with what had made me
happy, what made me me, what mydreams even were, let alone how
(08:09):
to get there?
Because, for me, my identityhad been wrapped up in all kinds
of common traps.
First, my identity was tied tomy job.
My career wasn't what I did.
It became who I was, and whenthe job was gone, I was lost and
I was a wife, and then I wasn't, I was a daughter.
Then I lost my mom, and all ofthese external things that were
(08:33):
defining me were falling away,and the jarring existential
crisis came to find me lossafter loss after loss.
But I'm here to say that itdoesn't have to be that way and
that knowing yourself is trulythe best kept secret when it
comes to living a life you love.
And the best part, you alreadyhave all the answers.
(08:55):
It's just that no one has askedyou the right questions until
now.
So let's talk about the secretsauce they forgot to mention.
So let's talk about the secretsauce they forgot to mention.
Let me means you need to do yourhomework, and my hot take here
is that it's not enough to letthem, you also have to let me,
which Mel did include, but whatshe failed to address is that
(09:22):
you have to know what you want.
She says let me chase my dreams.
Okay, but what are your dreams?
Are they your dreams or thedreams that you were conditioned
to dream?
Are they the dreams you had 20years ago, when you were a
completely different person?
When was the last time you tookthe pulse to find out what your
dreams are today?
She says let me say no withoutguilt, but are you tuned into
(09:46):
why you want to say no?
Do you know what you'reprotecting when you do say no?
Saying no, for the fact ofsaying no may not be helping you
, or it might, but it's allabout attention, intention and
boundaries.
She says let me wear what Iwant, live how I want, love who
I want.
Wear what I want, live how Iwant, love who I want, build
what I want, and that'swonderful and I 100% agree.
(10:09):
But do you know what makes youfeel fabulous when you wear it?
Do you know how you want tolive if it's not the life that
you're currently living?
Do you know what you're lookingfor in your love life, what
you'll tolerate and what youwon't, what your deal breakers
are?
Do you know what kind of lifeyou want to build, or is it
(10:30):
simply based on what the outsideworld has told you.
It should look like.
You can't let them just for thesake of letting them.
There needs to be more.
So these are the real questionsonly you can answer.
And here's the kicker you can'tlet yourself anything if you
don't even know who you reallyare.
(10:51):
Most people pleasers hi, mybeautiful recovering tribe have
spent years living according towhat society said was
appropriate, what school saidwas successful, what family said
was responsible and whatculture said was appropriate,
what school said was successful,what family said was
responsible and what culturesaid was acceptable.
So when we finally get thatsweet permission slip to let
(11:12):
them, we're standing thereholding it and realizing we
don't even know what we want todo next.
Awkward Like.
I remember sitting on my couchafter one of the most freeing
conversations of my life and itwas really a let them moment.
I'd been working for Starbucksfor about 15 years and the
(11:33):
company had morphed intosomething that I no longer
recognized and I felt burnt outand drained, definitely
unaligned and absolutelyexhausted and drained,
definitely unaligned andabsolutely exhausted.
Look, it was time to go.
But it was also a career that Ihad worked so hard to build and
given so much to.
And it turns out I wrapped alot of my identity around that
(11:55):
job, so leaving.
While it felt like the rightthing and the company wanted to
go in a direction I couldn'tsupport, leaving was still
clearly the best option, and itwas time to chase my own dreams.
But when it got quiet, Irealized something brutal.
I didn't have a clue whatdreams were actually mine.
(12:15):
Was my corporate career even mydream, or was it just the dream
I was handed at 22 and told tochase until I collapsed?
So my invitation to you at thispoint, dear listener, is when
was the last time you askedyourself why you want the things
you're working hard for?
When was the last time youasked yourself why you want the
(12:39):
things you're working toward?
Quick reality check Are youchasing your dream or someone
else's?
Because here's a spicy truthNot every dream is actually
yours.
Sometimes your dreams are justteacher's gold stars that you
never stopped chasing.
Now it's your boss, whoseapproval you're dying for.
(13:00):
Now it's the promotion you'repouring all your time and energy
and best stuff into.
Or maybe it's your parentsapproval you're still dying for.
And maybe you're still waitingfor that attaboy or that a girl,
and maybe you're looking forthat from your partner, or maybe
it's society's version of goodenough that you're hustling so
(13:21):
hard to earn.
You're seduced by the life thatyou see on Instagram and you're
baffled at the lives people areleading online and wondering
what you're doing wrong to nothave a life that looks like that
.
But it's time to put thefilters away.
It's time to stop looking atyour life through the lens of
other people's experiences andtheir results.
(13:43):
They're not you and you're notthem.
So when it comes to your dreamsand your goals, there's only
one litmus test If it doesn'tlight your soul on fire, it
might not be your dream.
And yeah, we can getbrainwashed into thinking that
beige dreams are thrilling.
(14:03):
So let's have a look at somemyths and let's do some myth
busting.
So myth number one If I achieveenough, I'll finally feel happy
and fulfilled.
The truth Achievement withoutalignment, that's going to equal
exhaustion, not joy.
Ask any burnt out overachiever,a 35 year old me, and she'll
(14:27):
tell you.
Making other people's dreamscome true brings satisfaction,
but it can be fleeting becauseit's not rooted in you.
Myth number two success meansother people's approval of my
life choices.
Truth here other people'sopinions are none of your
business.
(14:47):
Approval is a moving target andyou're never going to hit it,
so why not aim for inner peaceinstead?
Look, approval, it's likeperfume it's nice, but if you're
doing it right you don't needit.
Perfume was perfected andpopular because people used to
stink Like stinky stink.
It masked what was really goingon, and I'm talking zero
(15:09):
hygiene.
It was the olden days, so likeit was accepted as the norm.
So when it comes to approval,if that's your motivation, then
your why is off track.
It's lipstick on a pig.
It's not going to get you thefulfillment that you've been
conditioned to believe it'sgoing to bring you.
Only you can do that.
(15:32):
So, when it comes to otherpeople approving of your life
choices, girl, remember theydon't care as much as you think
they do, as much as maybe you'dlike them to trust.
And as a 46-year-old woman whois unpartnered, divorced, no
kids and a caretaker to my agingfather, I'd probably be toast
(15:52):
if I based my happiness on whatother people thought of my
choices.
Heaven help me if there was areferendum on what people think
of my choices.
But the good news, it's my lifeand I don't fucking care.
Now, having said that, it'staken me 46 years to get here
and spent a long time seekingapproval, which is why I'm here
(16:14):
to help you navigate some ofthese sneaky pitfalls of
adulthood.
So let's make this work for you.
Here's an impactful activity,and I like to call it the dream
audit.
So the first thing you're goingto do is you're going to write
down your top three to fivegoals.
I'm talking career,relationships, fitness, money,
hobbies, bucket lists, all of it.
(16:36):
You can write them all down andthen pick your like top three
to five.
And then the next thing you'regoing to do is you're going to
answer these questions, andyou're going to do it honestly,
because no one's watching andnobody cares.
You're going to look at each ofthose and you're going to say
whose voice is driving thisdream?
Is it yours?
Is it your parents?
Is it society?
(16:57):
Is it fear?
And then ask yourself if I hadzero fear of judgment, would I
still want it?
Now, this can be a tricky one,so really sit with it.
It's just you talking to you.
So it's okay to say no as muchas it is okay to say yes, but
know that you'll hurt no one'sfeelings if you change your mind
(17:18):
, because you are allowed.
Then look at your goals and saydoes this excite me or exhaust
me when I picture living it outloud?
So if you're getting stuck here, there's a way that you can
really figure out your trueresponse when you're asking that
question does it excite me orexhaust me?
So let's dig into that a littlebit further.
(17:39):
The first thing you're going tofeel is that little flutter in
your chest or in your stomach,like butterflies.
It's excitement, it's curiosity, maybe even slight nerves, but
like the good kind, if fear isdriving it, the butterflies are
going to feel like bats.
Check for the butterflies.
Instead, you might also feelyourself naturally leaning
(18:00):
forward, either mentally orphysically.
You want to imagine it.
You find yourself daydreamingabout it without even forcing
yourself to, and when youdaydream about it you can see
yourself actually doing thething, like the visualization is
strong.
And then, the more you thinkabout it, you feel energized and
you want to take more stepstowards it.
(18:22):
And you might feel like, oh myGod, I have so much to learn.
But there's motivation thereand not dread.
Maybe you want to run a marathon, so you start thinking about
all the little details, likegetting new shoes and finding a
new rutting buddy, and thingsjust start bubbling up
effortlessly.
And then this one is big andit's a huge green flag.
(18:43):
If you look at your goals andyou would pursue it even if
nobody applauded or noticed,then you know it's about
fulfillment and not externalvalidation.
So would you run the marathonand not tell anyone?
Would you save up for that tripto Italy and not post a single
photo?
You know it's the right dreamfor you if it feels aligned with
(19:04):
who you are becoming, not whoyou're trying to impress.
So let's have a look at theother side, how to tell if a
goal is exhausting you.
Maybe you feel a heavy sinkingfeeling in your gut or in your
chest, like a mental ugh ordread creeping in.
Or maybe you feel yourselfmentally pulling back or
(19:25):
shutting down or closing thedoor.
Maybe you avoid thinking aboutit unless you force yourself.
Babe, very few good things comefrom forcing it, so keep that
in mind.
Or maybe you just immediatelythink about all the ways it
could go wrong.
Now, that could be your mindsetand you could be focused on how
hard it will be.
(19:45):
But if it's meant for you,there will be thrill inside of
that challenge and maybe you'vebeen working at a goal and you
need that external pressure tostay committed.
So you need deadlines, you needpeople holding you accountable,
which means that there's a fearof judgment that's driving this
goal, not love and not passion.
And if your goals feel like acheckbox that you should check
(20:10):
and it's not a calling that youcan't wait to answer, then, babe
, that's not a goal for you.
So a bonus mojo pro tip is thatsometimes fear can mask
excitement at first, especiallyif the dream feels big or risky.
So, to dig deeper, you can askyourself if I knew I couldn't
fail, would I be thrilled tolive this out?
(20:32):
And if the answer is yes, it'sfear disguising excitement.
And if the answer is still meh,then it's probably not your
dream.
So a quick self-check activityyou can do when you're picturing
your goal out loud is to askyourself what's the very first
emotion that comes up when Ithink about my goal, before your
(20:53):
brain starts shooting all overit.
Do you feel pulled toward it orpushed into it?
And if nobody clapped for you,would you still want to do it?
Because your first feeling isyour truth.
Your brain will try to logic itaway, but your body always
knows, isn't that awesome?
(21:14):
So let's make this foolproof,really get you locked in and
loaded when it comes to checkingin on your goals and making
sure that they will pass thetest of being in true alignment
with who you are and where youwant to go.
So here's a set of journalprompts that you can use to go
deeper after doing the excite meor exhaust me self-check.
(21:35):
So, when you're ready to deepdive into your true dreams, you
can ask yourself what dream orgoal am I questioning right now?
Write it out clearly in yourown words no filtering, no
shoulds.
Number two when I picture myselfliving this goal fully, my very
first gut level feeling isblank.
(21:58):
Be brutally honest.
Is it excitement, is it dread?
Indifference, relief, panic.
Then go ahead with number three.
If nobody gave me a gold staror praise or likes or money or
validation for achieving this,would I still want it?
Why or why not?
And then number four If I couldwave a magic wand and guarantee
(22:23):
success, would I be excited tostep in this dream tomorrow?
I be excited to step in thisdream tomorrow.
If not, what dream would I beexcited to step into?
Sometimes we have to figure outwhat we don't want in order to
get closer to what we do want,and by sometimes I mean most
times.
And number five is a good one.
(22:44):
Whose voice do I hear theloudest when I think about this
dream?
Is it mine?
Is it parents, teachers, bosses, society?
And then number six what wouldmy own voice say if it were the
only one I could hear right now?
What would 80-year-old me say?
What would eight-year-old mesay?
(23:06):
Check in with them, see what'sup.
So hot tip here the goal isn'tto have all the answers
immediately.
The goal here is to startgetting curious, because
curiosity is how you findyourself again.
So, yeah, let them, let themjudge you, misunderstand, you,
(23:27):
leave you, but also let you Letyourself dream differently.
Let yourself pivot boldly, failwildly, be messy about it, let
yourself even disappoint somepeople oh my god right and
become the person who lights upyour own life.
Once you do the homework,you'll have all the answers you
(23:49):
need.
And even better, you'll haveall the answers you need and
even better, you'll have arelationship with yourself that
allows you to not have it allfigured out, and that's okay.
In fact, you'll see that themore you let go of what no
longer lights you up, you'llstart to uncover more and more
of what does, and that is ahobby that will pay you back
(24:10):
over the rest of your life.
And whatever your dream is,when you're living it out loud,
you will feel like the richestperson in the world.
So if you're going to let them,don't forget to let yourself.
And, babe, that's where thereal freedom party starts.
So your mojo move this week isto pick one dream and ask
(24:32):
yourself is this dream reallymine?
And if not, guess what?
You can start building one thatis today, not when you're
better, not when you're ready,not after it's approved.
Now, you were never here tolive somebody else's life.
You were born to create yourown freaking masterpiece.
(24:55):
And that, my friends, is mojo.
And just like that, youofficially have a pocket full of
mojo.
Carry it with you and let yourlight shine wherever you walk
your own path to a life you love, so that you can love the life
you live.
Remember our time on thisplanet it's finite, but the love
(25:18):
we can have, share andexperience, babe, that's
infinite.
Go spend it wildly.
And while you do that, checkout the show notes for more ways
to tap into your mojo.
But until next time, stayfabulous, stay kind and put love
in everything you do.
This has been Steph withPocketful of Mojo.
Ciao, for now.
Hey friends, welcome to Pocketful of Mojo.
Today we're gonna talk aboutwhat the let them theory doesn't
tell you and how to finish thesentence when they say let me.
You've probably heard about thelet them theory floating around
the social medias, right, youknow the vibe.
If they wanna leave, let them.
(00:20):
If they wanna talk, trash, letthem.
If they don't show up for you,let them.
And listen.
It's cute.
There's a real freedom inreleasing that death grip we
sometimes have on how otherpeople act.
And, as recovering peoplepleasers, we sometimes struggle
to figure out who we are andwhat we want when we're not
(00:41):
taking care of everyone else.
But and you knew there was abut, didn't you?
The let them theory leaves outone major thing you can't fully
let them until you know whatyou're letting yourself do.
You have to find your own.
Let me energy.
So today we're going to diginto what I consider the
(01:04):
pre-work that will make theimpact of the Let them Theory
really take hold.
Welcome to Pocketful of Mojo.
I'm Steph, your Mojo Maven andmaker of this podcast, created
so that we could have a spacewhere we tune in, to get tapped
in and turned on to our beststuff, to get tapped in and
(01:29):
turned on to our best stuff.
So normally my intros have beengetting really long and going
on and on about how mojo is,that feeling of being
unstoppable, that force ofnature that we really are, and I
rattle on and on about how mylife used to be a dumpster fire,
where my marriage ended and mymom died and I moved home to
Canada from France to take careof my dad and myself and have
(01:49):
since rebuilt my life fromscratch.
But thanks to Mojo, I'm notonly back on track, but I'm
better than I've ever been.
And now you're here, so youmust be looking to tap into your
Mojo too.
Welcome, my friend.
I'm glad you're here Now.
Together we can dig into ourown mojo to navigate this life
(02:11):
on purpose and remember thatthis life has way fewer rules
than we were led to believe.
And I can tell you this fromauthority, because since
discovering the power of mojo,I've promoted myself to
president of doing whatever Iwant, and no one's come to stop
me.
So I'm here as a fellow flawedhuman to remind you that you can
(02:34):
start from where you are, youcan be who you want to be, and
our beliefs are just thoughtsthat we think over and over
again.
I'm just here to gently remindyou that the best days are still
ahead.
If you want, you're in chargeand I'm here to be your
emotional Sherpa, help younavigate the messy bits in the
(02:54):
middle between where you are nowand where you want to go.
The main ingredients areself-love, self-awareness and an
unbreakable relationship withwhat you truly want intention
and empowerment.
That's mojo, and you've alreadygot it.
It's just been sleeping.
So today's episode, we're goingto unpack some of the sound
(03:15):
bites that are saturating theself-help world at the moment
and help you navigate your placeinside all of the advice
floating around out there.
But before we begin, a quicklove note, because, first things
first.
If you know me, you know I'm afan of Mel Robbins.
I mean, come on the straighttalking.
Check no fluff motivation,check Turning light bulb moments
(03:38):
into actual change.
Girl same.
In fact, if you vibe with Mel,you're probably going to feel
right at home here at MojoMastery, because we're walking
the same path of helping youditch the bullshit, build real
confidence and live a life thatactually feels as good as it
looks.
So hear me loud and clear thisis not a let's drag Mel moment.
(04:02):
This is a let's take a powerfulidea and make it even more
transformational moment.
Because here's the truth.
Nobody's really talking about.
The let them theory isbrilliant, but if you don't do
the pre-work it can leave youstanding there like, okay, now
what?
And that's where Mojo Masterycomes in.
(04:24):
With Mojo Mastery we're aboutbuilding the deep foundation,
the unshakable self-knowledge,the clarity, the soul fire that
makes let them not just a catchyslogan but a whole damn way of
life.
All right.
So now that we're all friendshere, let's get into it.
So if you're even remotely onsocial media and consume content
(04:45):
that's even slightly self-helpadjacent, then you will likely
have heard of Mel Robbins' book,the Let them Theory.
Me too, I had been a fan ofMel's for a while, listened to
her talks, her podcasts, herguest spots, the soundbites, and
have quite the collection ofaha moments thanks to a lot of
those mediums.
Then came the big book.
(05:07):
It was everywhere.
The algorithm really got mynumber because I was learning a
lot about this let them theorybefore I even cracked the book.
Then a few of my gal palentrepreneurs were looking for a
good reason to get together andthey came up with the idea of a
book club.
Our first book, you guessed it,the Let them Theory.
So, with every copy in the citysold out, I leaned on my trusty
(05:31):
Audible app and downloaded.
I Did, and as I was listeningto the book, I felt really tuned
in to everything Mel was sayingand as I kept going through the
book I felt an alignment and Ifelt really seen and really
understood.
And then Mel got to the partwhere she introduces the much
less famous part of the let themtheory, which is the let me
(05:52):
part.
Boom, this is game changing, Ithought.
So if you haven't read the bookyet, the key piece of
information comes after she'sdefined the let them portion of
the theory.
In chapter two of Mel's book,she adds that after the let them
comes the let me this criticalaction of letting yourself take
(06:16):
ownership, and emphasizes theimportance of not only allowing
others to be themselves that'sthe let them part but also
taking accountability andresponsibility for your own
actions and responses, andthat's the let me part.
So Mel goes through this twopart approach and colors it with
personal anecdotes aboutfeeling excluded, like when her
(06:39):
friends went on a trip withouther, and she gave a few other
really good examples, and shereally paints a good picture of
how letting go.
It gives you this certain kindof relief, and it comes from a
very mature place, and sheexplains what comes after you've
let them and how.
This is your cue to now pivotinto what serves you, instead of
(07:01):
seeing life through theapproval or the acceptance of
other people.
You, instead of seeing lifethrough the approval or the
acceptance of other people.
Good stuff, right?
Well, maybe not.
Let me explain.
You see, mel is 56.
I'm 46.
And as I got about halfwaythrough the book, it hit me.
You see, if I had read thisbook 10 years ago, or even five
(07:21):
years ago, I would have beencompletely wrecked by the let
them theory.
I would feel empowered totolerate other people's energy
and get off the bus of otherpeople's wishes and expectations
.
But then what?
I would be off of the peoplepleasing bus, sure, but then I'd
just be left on the side of theroad alone, with no compass and
(07:45):
no roadmap to where I want togo.
Because the truth is is, untilrecently, and until I found my
mojo, I really had no idea whatI wanted.
Because, you see, I was sodeeply rooted in making other
people happy that I had losttouch with what had made me
happy, what made me me, what mydreams even were, let alone how
(08:09):
to get there?
Because, for me, my identityhad been wrapped up in all kinds
of common traps.
First, my identity was tied tomy job.
My career wasn't what I did.
It became who I was, and whenthe job was gone, I was lost and
I was a wife, and then I wasn't, I was a daughter.
Then I lost my mom, and all ofthese external things that were
(08:33):
defining me were falling away,and the jarring existential
crisis came to find me lossafter loss after loss.
But I'm here to say that itdoesn't have to be that way and
that knowing yourself is trulythe best kept secret when it
comes to living a life you love.
And the best part, you alreadyhave all the answers.
(08:55):
It's just that no one has askedyou the right questions until
now.
So let's talk about the secretsauce they forgot to mention.
So let's talk about the secretsauce they forgot to mention.
Let me means you need to do yourhomework, and my hot take here
is that it's not enough to letthem, you also have to let me,
which Mel did include, but whatshe failed to address is that
(09:22):
you have to know what you want.
She says let me chase my dreams.
Okay, but what are your dreams?
Are they your dreams or thedreams that you were conditioned
to dream?
Are they the dreams you had 20years ago, when you were a
completely different person?
When was the last time you tookthe pulse to find out what your
dreams are today?
She says let me say no withoutguilt, but are you tuned into
(09:46):
why you want to say no?
Do you know what you'reprotecting when you do say no?
Saying no, for the fact ofsaying no may not be helping you
, or it might, but it's allabout attention, intention and
boundaries.
She says let me wear what Iwant, live how I want, love who
I want.
Wear what I want, live how Iwant, love who I want, build
what I want, and that'swonderful and I 100% agree.
(10:09):
But do you know what makes youfeel fabulous when you wear it?
Do you know how you want tolive if it's not the life that
you're currently living?
Do you know what you're lookingfor in your love life, what
you'll tolerate and what youwon't, what your deal breakers
are?
Do you know what kind of lifeyou want to build, or is it
(10:30):
simply based on what the outsideworld has told you.
It should look like.
You can't let them just for thesake of letting them.
There needs to be more.
So these are the real questionsonly you can answer.
And here's the kicker you can'tlet yourself anything if you
don't even know who you reallyare.
(10:51):
Most people pleasers hi, mybeautiful recovering tribe have
spent years living according towhat society said was
appropriate, what school saidwas successful, what family said
was responsible and whatculture said was appropriate,
what school said was successful,what family said was
responsible and what culturesaid was acceptable.
So when we finally get thatsweet permission slip to let
(11:12):
them, we're standing thereholding it and realizing we
don't even know what we want todo next.
Awkward Like.
I remember sitting on my couchafter one of the most freeing
conversations of my life and itwas really a let them moment.
I'd been working for Starbucksfor about 15 years and the
(11:33):
company had morphed intosomething that I no longer
recognized and I felt burnt outand drained, definitely
unaligned and absolutelyexhausted and drained,
definitely unaligned andabsolutely exhausted.
Look, it was time to go.
But it was also a career that Ihad worked so hard to build and
given so much to.
And it turns out I wrapped alot of my identity around that
(11:55):
job, so leaving.
While it felt like the rightthing and the company wanted to
go in a direction I couldn'tsupport, leaving was still
clearly the best option, and itwas time to chase my own dreams.
But when it got quiet, Irealized something brutal.
I didn't have a clue whatdreams were actually mine.
(12:15):
Was my corporate career even mydream, or was it just the dream
I was handed at 22 and told tochase until I collapsed?
So my invitation to you at thispoint, dear listener, is when
was the last time you askedyourself why you want the things
you're working hard for?
When was the last time youasked yourself why you want the
(12:39):
things you're working toward?
Quick reality check Are youchasing your dream or someone
else's?
Because here's a spicy truthNot every dream is actually
yours.
Sometimes your dreams are justteacher's gold stars that you
never stopped chasing.
Now it's your boss, whoseapproval you're dying for.
(13:00):
Now it's the promotion you'repouring all your time and energy
and best stuff into.
Or maybe it's your parentsapproval you're still dying for.
And maybe you're still waitingfor that attaboy or that a girl,
and maybe you're looking forthat from your partner, or maybe
it's society's version of goodenough that you're hustling so
(13:21):
hard to earn.
You're seduced by the life thatyou see on Instagram and you're
baffled at the lives people areleading online and wondering
what you're doing wrong to nothave a life that looks like that
.
But it's time to put thefilters away.
It's time to stop looking atyour life through the lens of
other people's experiences andtheir results.
(13:43):
They're not you and you're notthem.
So when it comes to your dreamsand your goals, there's only
one litmus test If it doesn'tlight your soul on fire, it
might not be your dream.
And yeah, we can getbrainwashed into thinking that
beige dreams are thrilling.
(14:03):
So let's have a look at somemyths and let's do some myth
busting.
So myth number one If I achieveenough, I'll finally feel happy
and fulfilled.
The truth Achievement withoutalignment, that's going to equal
exhaustion, not joy.
Ask any burnt out overachiever,a 35 year old me, and she'll
(14:27):
tell you.
Making other people's dreamscome true brings satisfaction,
but it can be fleeting becauseit's not rooted in you.
Myth number two success meansother people's approval of my
life choices.
Truth here other people'sopinions are none of your
business.
(14:47):
Approval is a moving target andyou're never going to hit it,
so why not aim for inner peaceinstead?
Look, approval, it's likeperfume it's nice, but if you're
doing it right you don't needit.
Perfume was perfected andpopular because people used to
stink Like stinky stink.
It masked what was really goingon, and I'm talking zero
(15:09):
hygiene.
It was the olden days, so likeit was accepted as the norm.
So when it comes to approval,if that's your motivation, then
your why is off track.
It's lipstick on a pig.
It's not going to get you thefulfillment that you've been
conditioned to believe it'sgoing to bring you.
Only you can do that.
(15:32):
So, when it comes to otherpeople approving of your life
choices, girl, remember theydon't care as much as you think
they do, as much as maybe you'dlike them to trust.
And as a 46-year-old woman whois unpartnered, divorced, no
kids and a caretaker to my agingfather, I'd probably be toast
(15:52):
if I based my happiness on whatother people thought of my
choices.
Heaven help me if there was areferendum on what people think
of my choices.
But the good news, it's my lifeand I don't fucking care.
Now, having said that, it'staken me 46 years to get here
and spent a long time seekingapproval, which is why I'm here
(16:14):
to help you navigate some ofthese sneaky pitfalls of
adulthood.
So let's make this work for you.
Here's an impactful activity,and I like to call it the dream
audit.
So the first thing you're goingto do is you're going to write
down your top three to fivegoals.
I'm talking career,relationships, fitness, money,
hobbies, bucket lists, all of it.
(16:36):
You can write them all down andthen pick your like top three
to five.
And then the next thing you'regoing to do is you're going to
answer these questions, andyou're going to do it honestly,
because no one's watching andnobody cares.
You're going to look at each ofthose and you're going to say
whose voice is driving thisdream?
Is it yours?
Is it your parents?
Is it society?
(16:57):
Is it fear?
And then ask yourself if I hadzero fear of judgment, would I
still want it?
Now, this can be a tricky one,so really sit with it.
It's just you talking to you.
So it's okay to say no as muchas it is okay to say yes, but
know that you'll hurt no one'sfeelings if you change your mind
(17:18):
, because you are allowed.
Then look at your goals and saydoes this excite me or exhaust
me when I picture living it outloud?
So if you're getting stuck here, there's a way that you can
really figure out your trueresponse when you're asking that
question does it excite me orexhaust me?
So let's dig into that a littlebit further.
(17:39):
The first thing you're going tofeel is that little flutter in
your chest or in your stomach,like butterflies.
It's excitement, it's curiosity, maybe even slight nerves, but
like the good kind, if fear isdriving it, the butterflies are
going to feel like bats.
Check for the butterflies.
Instead, you might also feelyourself naturally leaning
(18:00):
forward, either mentally orphysically.
You want to imagine it.
You find yourself daydreamingabout it without even forcing
yourself to, and when youdaydream about it you can see
yourself actually doing thething, like the visualization is
strong.
And then, the more you thinkabout it, you feel energized and
you want to take more stepstowards it.
(18:22):
And you might feel like, oh myGod, I have so much to learn.
But there's motivation thereand not dread.
Maybe you want to run a marathon, so you start thinking about
all the little details, likegetting new shoes and finding a
new rutting buddy, and thingsjust start bubbling up
effortlessly.
And then this one is big andit's a huge green flag.
(18:43):
If you look at your goals andyou would pursue it even if
nobody applauded or noticed,then you know it's about
fulfillment and not externalvalidation.
So would you run the marathonand not tell anyone?
Would you save up for that tripto Italy and not post a single
photo?
You know it's the right dreamfor you if it feels aligned with
(19:04):
who you are becoming, not whoyou're trying to impress.
So let's have a look at theother side, how to tell if a
goal is exhausting you.
Maybe you feel a heavy sinkingfeeling in your gut or in your
chest, like a mental ugh ordread creeping in.
Or maybe you feel yourselfmentally pulling back or
(19:25):
shutting down or closing thedoor.
Maybe you avoid thinking aboutit unless you force yourself.
Babe, very few good things comefrom forcing it, so keep that
in mind.
Or maybe you just immediatelythink about all the ways it
could go wrong.
Now, that could be your mindsetand you could be focused on how
hard it will be.
(19:45):
But if it's meant for you,there will be thrill inside of
that challenge and maybe you'vebeen working at a goal and you
need that external pressure tostay committed.
So you need deadlines, you needpeople holding you accountable,
which means that there's a fearof judgment that's driving this
goal, not love and not passion.
And if your goals feel like acheckbox that you should check
(20:10):
and it's not a calling that youcan't wait to answer, then, babe
, that's not a goal for you.
So a bonus mojo pro tip is thatsometimes fear can mask
excitement at first, especiallyif the dream feels big or risky.
So, to dig deeper, you can askyourself if I knew I couldn't
fail, would I be thrilled tolive this out?
(20:32):
And if the answer is yes, it'sfear disguising excitement.
And if the answer is still meh,then it's probably not your
dream.
So a quick self-check activityyou can do when you're picturing
your goal out loud is to askyourself what's the very first
emotion that comes up when Ithink about my goal, before your
(20:53):
brain starts shooting all overit.
Do you feel pulled toward it orpushed into it?
And if nobody clapped for you,would you still want to do it?
Because your first feeling isyour truth.
Your brain will try to logic itaway, but your body always
knows, isn't that awesome?
(21:14):
So let's make this foolproof,really get you locked in and
loaded when it comes to checkingin on your goals and making
sure that they will pass thetest of being in true alignment
with who you are and where youwant to go.
So here's a set of journalprompts that you can use to go
deeper after doing the excite meor exhaust me self-check.
(21:35):
So, when you're ready to deepdive into your true dreams, you
can ask yourself what dream orgoal am I questioning right now?
Write it out clearly in yourown words no filtering, no
shoulds.
Number two when I picture myselfliving this goal fully, my very
first gut level feeling isblank.
(21:58):
Be brutally honest.
Is it excitement, is it dread?
Indifference, relief, panic.
Then go ahead with number three.
If nobody gave me a gold staror praise or likes or money or
validation for achieving this,would I still want it?
Why or why not?
And then number four If I couldwave a magic wand and guarantee
(22:23):
success, would I be excited tostep in this dream tomorrow?
I be excited to step in thisdream tomorrow.
If not, what dream would I beexcited to step into?
Sometimes we have to figure outwhat we don't want in order to
get closer to what we do want,and by sometimes I mean most
times.
And number five is a good one.
(22:44):
Whose voice do I hear theloudest when I think about this
dream?
Is it mine?
Is it parents, teachers, bosses, society?
And then number six what wouldmy own voice say if it were the
only one I could hear right now?
What would 80-year-old me say?
What would eight-year-old mesay?
(23:06):
Check in with them, see what'sup.
So hot tip here the goal isn'tto have all the answers
immediately.
The goal here is to startgetting curious, because
curiosity is how you findyourself again.
So, yeah, let them, let themjudge you, misunderstand, you,
(23:27):
leave you, but also let you Letyourself dream differently.
Let yourself pivot boldly, failwildly, be messy about it, let
yourself even disappoint somepeople oh my god right and
become the person who lights upyour own life.
Once you do the homework,you'll have all the answers you
(23:49):
need.
And even better, you'll haveall the answers you need and
even better, you'll have arelationship with yourself that
allows you to not have it allfigured out, and that's okay.
In fact, you'll see that themore you let go of what no
longer lights you up, you'llstart to uncover more and more
of what does, and that is ahobby that will pay you back
(24:10):
over the rest of your life.
And whatever your dream is,when you're living it out loud,
you will feel like the richestperson in the world.
So if you're going to let them,don't forget to let yourself.
And, babe, that's where thereal freedom party starts.
So your mojo move this week isto pick one dream and ask
(24:32):
yourself is this dream reallymine?
And if not, guess what?
You can start building one thatis today, not when you're
better, not when you're ready,not after it's approved.
Now, you were never here tolive somebody else's life.
You were born to create yourown freaking masterpiece.
(24:55):
And that, my friends, is mojo.
And just like that, youofficially have a pocket full of
mojo.
Carry it with you and let yourlight shine wherever you walk
your own path to a life you love, so that you can love the life
you live.
Remember our time on thisplanet it's finite, but the love
(25:18):
we can have, share andexperience, babe, that's
infinite.
Go spend it wildly.
And while you do that, checkout the show notes for more ways
to tap into your mojo.
But until next time, stayfabulous, stay kind and put love
in everything you do.
This has been Steph withPocketful of Mojo.
Ciao, for now.
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