October 30, 2025 • 22 mins
Ever order the sushi to keep the peace when all you wanted was the burger? That tiny moment says everything about approval addiction—how our brains chase praise like a survival resource and how that chase slowly shrinks our lives. We unpack why the dopamine loop makes people-pleasing feel like oxygen, then show how to break it with simple, believable steps that rebuild confidence from the inside out.
We start with clear, relatable stories that highlight the hidden costs of the “easy yes”—exhaustion, quiet resentment, and an identity built on applause. From there, we translate neuroscience into action: naming triggers, staying present with discomfort, and learning to self-approve so your brain releases its own reward instead of waiting for claps. Steph shares the pivotal reframes that turned childhood gold stars into adult sovereignty, including permission statements that anchor new beliefs in your body and tiny, real-world acts of authenticity that stack into a sturdy sense of self.
You’ll learn how to choose one repeat scenario, surface the truth beneath the habit, and ask the question that cuts through noise: what would I do if approval wasn’t on the line? We also explore the difference between fitting in and belonging, and how to gather people who can hold your no without punishment. The result is a practical path: pick the moment, name the fear, grant permission, embody it, take one small action, and repeat. Approval is nice, but it’s not oxygen. Your worth isn’t a vote, and your voice doesn’t need a standing ovation to be valid.
If this spoke to you, follow Pocket Full of Mojo, share it with a friend who’s tired of living for gold stars, and leave a review with one thing you’re no longer apologizing for. Your future self will thank you.
Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
More Mojo:
Daily Mojo:
Mojo Website:
Grab your People Pleaser Cheat Sheet FREE & get signed up for the weekly Mojo Magazine for all things Mojo! CLICK HERE
Music from #Uppbeat
https://uppbeat.io/t/mountaineer/run-away
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:11):
Hello, hello, hello, my friend.
Welcome back to Pocket Full ofMojo.
I'm Steph, I am your mojo maven,and today we're diving into a
topic that a lot of us know waytoo well.
We don't just want it, we don'tjust like it, we are straight up
addicted to it, and I'm talkingabout approval.
(00:33):
Yeah, we're going there.
Because for so many recoveringpeople pleasers, and if you're
listening, I have a feeling thatyou just might be one, and it's
that little hit of good job, oroh, you're the best, or just
somebody's smile of approval.
It can feel amazing, it can feellike oxygen.
(00:57):
But what happens when theapproval becomes the thing that
drives you instead of youdriving yourself?
Well, that, my friend, that'swhat we're gonna unravel today.
And like we're talkingneuroscience, we're talking real
life stories, we're talkingtools that can help you stop
living for the nods and the goldstars and start living for your
(01:19):
truth.
Why are we doing this?
Well, because we're here to livea life we love and love the life
we live.
So let's get into it.
Let's get tuned in, tapped in,and turned on.
Okay, so here we are, and we'regonna kick off strong.
(01:39):
I want you to picture this.
You're out with your friends,everyone's deciding where you're
gonna eat.
You don't really want sushi, andyou know that you don't want
sushi.
But then somebody's like, hey,you know what?
Let's do sushi.
And then you smile, and then younod, and you're like, sushi
sounds great.
And meanwhile, inside you'relike, God damn it, I was really
(02:00):
hoping she'd say cheeseburger.
And maybe it's not dinner, maybeit's work.
Maybe you're on your way out thedoor and your boss is like, hey,
if you could just send me thatreport, that'd be great.
And boom, that's in your lap.
And then you're like, yeah,sure.
Again, not because you want to,but because you want to be seen
as helpful, as reliable, asgood.
(02:24):
We've all been there.
And these moments don't lookdramatic, but they are powerful.
Because every little yes that wegive out of fear of
disappointing someone, it'sanother hit of approval, a tiny
little snack of sweet, sweetdopamine.
And here's the wild part thathit feels good, at least for a
(02:47):
second, to that good oldfamiliar crash comes, and then
who shows up but our friend ofme, resentment and exhaustion.
And just like that, you'refeeling invisible in your own
life.
And trust me, this is all verytakes one to know one.
So let's hold hands and break itdown.
Why do we do this and how do westop?
(03:09):
Because your brain isn't broken,it's brilliantly wired for
connection, actually.
Like way back in the cavemantimes.
Like if your tribe liked you,you got protection and food and
safety.
And if they didn't like you,well, let's just say, you know,
the saber-toothed tigers didn'tcare about how many gold stars
you have and definitely givezero fucks about your
(03:31):
people-pleasing tendencies.
So your brain developed a rewardloop.
When someone approves of you,your brain releases a little hit
of dopamine, that feel-goodchemical that lights up your
reward system in your brain.
Like every time you get thatgood job, it's not just a
compliment, it's a chemicalcocktail, and your nervous
(03:52):
system goes, ooh, more of that,please.
But the problem is that yourbrain doesn't know the
difference between tribalsurvival and Instagram likes, or
your boss thinking you'reperfect, or your partner always
agreeing with you.
So what started as a safetymechanism turns into a cage.
(04:14):
And it doesn't mean that you'reweak, it means you've been wired
this way, and it's notnecessarily linked to your
awareness.
But here's the part I loveanything that's wired can be
rewired.
I want to share a story withyou.
When I was a kid, I learnedreally fast that being the good
girl got me the praise.
(04:35):
Oh, Steph, you're so helpful.
You're so good at that.
You're so mature.
And little me soaked it up likesunshine.
Every gold star, every smile,every nod of approval, it felt
like proof that I mattered.
But as I got older, that sameinstinct started to own me.
(04:56):
I had agreed to things that Ididn't want.
I would smile when I wasexhausted.
I would over-deliver to prove myworth.
I'd eat the sushi when all Iwanted was the burger.
And then when I did all thosethings for the sake of other
people, and then no one noticed,well, cue the insecurity and
(05:17):
signar to any confidence I had.
I felt invisible, I felt unseen,I felt unchosen.
It's like all that effort didn'teven matter.
Because I'd built an identityaround what other people
thought.
And what I thought about me wasalmost entirely based on what
other people thought about me.
(05:38):
And I didn't even really realizeit until I was bone-tired of
living someone else's story.
And if any of that hit home foryou, I want you to know you're
not broken.
You're just running on an oldprogram that used to keep you
safe.
And here's how the cycle keepsyou stuck.
Over time, you start shrinking.
(06:01):
Because every single time youabandon your truth to keep
somebody else comfortable,you're teaching your nervous
system that their comfortmatters more than my truth.
But it comes with a sidecar ofresentment, also known as quiet
rage.
It creates an identity that'sbuilt on applause instead of you
just existing and being you.
(06:24):
Okay.
So deep breath.
Here's finally the good part.
Approval addiction is learned.
And anything that is learned canbe unlearned.
And then you can replace it withsomething that really serves
you.
Something that you'veconsciously chosen.
Because nobody wakes up in themorning and says, I'm going to
(06:45):
give all my power away today.
So let's look at some practicalways to start getting you back
in the driver's seat.
The first thing you can do isname the trigger.
Like the next time you're aboutto say yes, just give yourself a
beat and pause and ask yourself,Am I doing this because I want
to or because I want to beliked?
(07:06):
Because just noticing is power.
Naming it is taking back yourauthorship.
Awareness is step one.
Then you're gonna feel thediscomfort and you're gonna
stay.
Because when you start sayingno, and this is new to you, your
nervous system might slash isabsolutely going to freak out.
(07:27):
And that's okay, and that isnormal.
This is just your heads up sothat you don't run.
Because it's just your brainrecalibrating.
Just breathe and remind yourselfthe discomfort is not danger.
You are safe.
You are allowed to stand in thattruth.
And the power that you have isthe knowing that the discomfort
(07:51):
is temporary and that you'restronger than a passing feeling,
period.
And definitely write that downif it's helpful.
Now, the third thing that you'regonna do is you're gonna reclaim
your own approval.
Now, let me be super clear aboutthis one because the faster you
adopt it, a life becomes morefun, and two, your confidence,
(08:14):
it's gonna boost like a rocketship.
Facts of facts.
Here it is.
You don't have to wait forsomeone else to clap.
All right.
So you have to start givingyourself the approval that
you've been outsourcing.
Every time you go to asksomebody else what they think,
ask yourself what do you think?
(08:34):
Answer your own question firstand start celebrating the most
microscopic wins with the energyof a Thanksgiving Day parade.
Whether it's a decision, whetherit's the way that you spoke up
in the meeting, when you go toask somebody their opinion on
the casserole you made, answeryour own question.
What do you think about thecasserole that you made?
How does it taste?
(08:55):
Are you proud of yourself?
Well, job well done.
All those things that you'd loveto hear from all the people
around the table, give it toyourself before you start to ask
outward.
And when you do that, you'reliterally retraining your brain
to release dopamine fromyourself.
You don't need validationbecause you're in your own
(09:17):
reward loop, and that is power.
You can tap into that anytime.
And remembering that our brainis a computer and a belief is
just a thought that we hold andrepeat over and over again,
knowing that you're in charge ofthe data entry reestablishes
your power, your authorship,your agency in your own life,
(09:39):
and your belief system.
Like, why have we beenoutsourcing the most important
job there is?
Why is my identity based on whatother people who know shit about
me?
Why am I giving all that poweraway?
This is the fun part.
Take the reins, run.
Because this is where you get tonumber four, the micro acts of
(10:02):
authenticity.
Here's where most people skidand abandon the process.
They take too big a swing.
Don't start with the bigdramatic boundary.
Start small, start with thecasserole, start with saying no
to the extra project or sayingyes to the burger and no to the
sushi.
Speak up, even if it'sunpopular.
(10:23):
And each of these little acts,it's a vote for your future
self.
And then number five is aningredient that cannot be
underestimated.
Build a safe belonging becausewe still need connection.
We just don't need to performfor it.
And in general, like MojoMastery focuses a lot almost
(10:47):
exclusively on the self.
But you can't ignore the factthat part of the human
experience is in how we connectwith others.
And the big question of, youknow, what is my purpose and
what am I here for?
It's to experience the impact ofhow doing what you do makes
other people feel.
(11:07):
That is powerful.
And when you surround yourselfwith people that do things that
make you feel lit up andsupported and encouraged and
seen and heard and all that goodstuff, those are your people.
Collect them like treasure andtreat them accordingly.
Because in order to truly createa mojo haven where you can
(11:31):
thrive as who you really are, itis paramount to surround
yourself with the people who canhold your no without punishing
you for it, who can see yourvalue beyond what you can do for
them, or expect you tocontribute in a certain way, or
where it feels transactional.
(11:52):
And real belonging doesn'trequire a mask, it just requires
you to be present.
It requires you to exist.
Otherwise, you're not belonging,you're just fitting in.
Do not settle for that, do notshortchange your own experience.
This is where you can dig in andreach out and try a different
(12:13):
room because you never know whoyou haven't met yet, who's going
to shine a light on your worldthat can change the game.
Because one of my favoritesayings is that you haven't met
all the people who are gonnalove you yet.
All right, my friend.
Now we've talked about the whyand the how and the what of
(12:34):
approval addiction, but here'swhere the real magic happens
when you bring it into the realworld of your actual life,
because this isn't just aboutknowing better, it's about
choosing differently.
So let's walk through how to dothat step by step.
We're gonna slow it down becausethis part matters.
(12:56):
Because, like, when it comes tobreaking any pattern, especially
approval seeking, where youfocus your attention makes all
the difference.
So if you want to be lessdependent on the approval of
other people, we're gonna gothrough step by step what to do.
And you can just start by askingyourself some questions.
Like, where in my life do I mostignore my own needs?
(13:19):
Or where am I leaning too far tomake someone else happy?
Come up with examples.
Your brain loves proof.
If we want to change, we have toremember why.
So think of the last time youwalked away from a situation
feeling small or resentful orjust invisible.
And where do I feel the heaviestpressure to be liked or accepted
(13:44):
or approved of?
Now you're not looking for themost dramatic situation.
You're looking for the one thathappens often, the one that
nibbles away at your sense ofself, the death by a thousand
yeses, that kind of thing.
So, like it could be saying yesto the extra work that you don't
really have time for, or alwaysagreeing with friends just to
(14:07):
keep the peace, or makingyourself small and holding back
because you don't want to ruffleany feathers.
And I'm talking about thesebehaviors, like it's beyond
beyond being polite, right?
It's when you downplay your ownopinions in meetings or in
conversations.
If you're biting your tongue atfamily dinners just to make sure
(14:28):
that you're not the difficultone, just pick one and don't
overthink it.
Usually it's the first one thatpops up.
That's usually the right one.
Because that moment, that's yourentry point to the freedom that
we want on the other side.
Because this is where things getreal.
Once you've chosen a situation,I want you to ask, okay, how do
(14:49):
I feel in this moment?
And what do I actually want?
And then the most powerful oneis what would I say or do if
approval wasn't on the line?
If I didn't really want mybrothers to be impressed with
the project that I worked on, ifI wasn't posting this in order
(15:10):
to get likes and follows.
Right?
Like this question just hits.
And here's the thing (15:15):
the truth is often quiet.
It's buried under layers ofshould and nice and easy and
don't rock the boat.
But if you give it a littlespace, it will speak.
And when you find that truth,maybe it'll be, actually, I
don't want to go.
I'm tired.
I don't feel this is alignedwith me.
(15:37):
Or I have a different opinion.
Or I'm gonna speak up and wantto be heard.
And you don't even have to acton it yet.
Right now we're just letting its come to the surface.
We're giving your voicepermission to exist in the room
again.
Because for people who areaddicted to approval, the truth
doesn't disappear.
(15:58):
It just gets super quiet.
And then this step is aboutturning the volume back up.
And these next questions,they're subtle, but they're
powerful.
Because once you've got thesituation, just look at yourself
and say, like, why does thismake me crave approval so much?
What am I scared of underneaththat?
What story am I telling myselfabout what will happen if I
(16:22):
don't please?
Like if I say no, they'll thinkI'm selfish.
If I disagree, they won't likeme.
If I speak up, I might lose myplace at this table.
And these fears often belong toan earlier pre-programmed,
without your knowledge, versionof you.
The one who learned thatbelonging was earned and not
(16:43):
given.
Now, heads up, and this isimportant, this isn't about
shaming that part of you.
This is just about not lettingit drive anymore.
It's time to take the keys awayfrom the driver that doesn't
have the permit to drive theupgraded version of you.
And this is where the powershifts.
Because you've identified thesituation, you've done some
(17:05):
digging, you've unearthed sometruths, you've named the fear,
and you've taken the keys awayfrom the one who shouldn't be
driving.
Now this is where you get togive yourself permission to
choose you.
Permission isn't just words on apage.
It's this little privatedeclaration of sovereignty.
And for recovering peoplepleasers, it's still like
(17:27):
permission typically comes withlike a feeling because you've
got this new awareness.
The shoulders go back, thebreath gets a bit deeper.
And it's the one you're givingto yourself.
And a good permission statement,it's clear, it's simple, and
it's grounded in the fact thatyou trust yourself.
Like I'm allowed to say nowithout over-explaining.
(17:48):
Think of all the free timeyou're gonna have.
(18:17):
They don't require agreement,they're yours.
This is about you stepping backinto the driver's seat of your
own life because you've had thekeys this whole time.
And in step number five, you'regonna anchor it in the body.
You're gonna think it's a bitwoo-woo, but it's the thing that
most people skip, and it's thething that prevents it from
(18:39):
sticking.
Because you can't just thinkyour way out of approval
addiction.
You have to feel your way outtoo.
Like when you say yourpermission statement out loud,
notice how it feels in yourchest and what happens to your
breath.
If your stomach tightens or yourshoulders drop, this is your
nervous system learning a newstory.
(19:00):
I'm safe even when I choosemyself.
And that's rewiring in realtime.
No waiting, no taking it to theboard for approval right here,
right now.
You're doing it.
And now that we've thought aboutit and we're feeling it, step
six is to take action.
Just a small one, but it'sexciting because this is the
(19:21):
moment where change meets thereal world, an actual
manifestation, if you will.
So I want you to pick one small,doable action that honors the
permission that you just gaveyourself.
And it's just maybe saying no toone thing this week.
Maybe it's speaking up in oneconversation, or maybe you stop
feeling obliged about textingback immediately and just taking
(19:45):
a pause before you say yes.
These small steps are powerfulbecause they're believable.
You don't need to burn down yourlife to start living on your
terms.
You just need to take back oneinch at a time.
So to recap, you're gonna pickthe moment that matters.
You're gonna listen for thetruth behind the habit.
(20:08):
You're gonna name the fearthat's been running the show,
and you're gonna give yourselfpermission to choose you.
You're gonna anchor it in yourbody so that it sticks.
And then you're gonna take oneaction to make it real.
This is how you break free fromneeding approval like it's air.
Not overnight, but choice bychoice, voice by voice, inch by
(20:33):
inch.
You don't need permission fromanyone else to live your truth,
but sometimes you need to hearit from yourself.
Because here's the thing (20:42):
being addicted to approval doesn't
make you weak.
It means that you've spent yearsbeing the version of yourself
that the world rewarded.
But now you're in charge.
It's time to be the version theworld can't ignore because it's
real.
Approval is nice, but it's notoxygen.
(21:04):
Your worth is not up for debate.
And your life doesn't need to bea standing ovation to be valid.
And just like that, you've gotyour very own pocket full of
(21:24):
mojo.
If this episode hit home foryou, why don't you just go ahead
and share it with somebody who'sready to stop living another
people's applause?
We could all use a friendlyreminder of a power.
And fun fact, it multipliesexponentially when we share it
with other people.
So make sure you're followingPocket Full of Mojo so you don't
(21:44):
miss next week's episode.
And there are links in allthings mojo in the show notes.
And hey, if you're feelingbrave, leave a review.
Tell me one thing you're nolonger apologizing for.
So that's it for me.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Until next time, when we talkabout how to reclaim all those
pieces of you that you once gaveaway.
(22:06):
Make sure you keep your mojoclose and your truth even
closer.
Ciao for now.
Doodaloo, Kangaroo.
Love you, bye.
Hello, hello, hello, my friend.
Welcome back to Pocket Full ofMojo.
I'm Steph, I am your mojo maven,and today we're diving into a
topic that a lot of us know waytoo well.
We don't just want it, we don'tjust like it, we are straight up
addicted to it, and I'm talkingabout approval.
(00:33):
Yeah, we're going there.
Because for so many recoveringpeople pleasers, and if you're
listening, I have a feeling thatyou just might be one, and it's
that little hit of good job, oroh, you're the best, or just
somebody's smile of approval.
It can feel amazing, it can feellike oxygen.
(00:57):
But what happens when theapproval becomes the thing that
drives you instead of youdriving yourself?
Well, that, my friend, that'swhat we're gonna unravel today.
And like we're talkingneuroscience, we're talking real
life stories, we're talkingtools that can help you stop
living for the nods and the goldstars and start living for your
(01:19):
truth.
Why are we doing this?
Well, because we're here to livea life we love and love the life
we live.
So let's get into it.
Let's get tuned in, tapped in,and turned on.
Okay, so here we are, and we'regonna kick off strong.
(01:39):
I want you to picture this.
You're out with your friends,everyone's deciding where you're
gonna eat.
You don't really want sushi, andyou know that you don't want
sushi.
But then somebody's like, hey,you know what?
Let's do sushi.
And then you smile, and then younod, and you're like, sushi
sounds great.
And meanwhile, inside you'relike, God damn it, I was really
(02:00):
hoping she'd say cheeseburger.
And maybe it's not dinner, maybeit's work.
Maybe you're on your way out thedoor and your boss is like, hey,
if you could just send me thatreport, that'd be great.
And boom, that's in your lap.
And then you're like, yeah,sure.
Again, not because you want to,but because you want to be seen
as helpful, as reliable, asgood.
(02:24):
We've all been there.
And these moments don't lookdramatic, but they are powerful.
Because every little yes that wegive out of fear of
disappointing someone, it'sanother hit of approval, a tiny
little snack of sweet, sweetdopamine.
And here's the wild part thathit feels good, at least for a
(02:47):
second, to that good oldfamiliar crash comes, and then
who shows up but our friend ofme, resentment and exhaustion.
And just like that, you'refeeling invisible in your own
life.
And trust me, this is all verytakes one to know one.
So let's hold hands and break itdown.
Why do we do this and how do westop?
(03:09):
Because your brain isn't broken,it's brilliantly wired for
connection, actually.
Like way back in the cavemantimes.
Like if your tribe liked you,you got protection and food and
safety.
And if they didn't like you,well, let's just say, you know,
the saber-toothed tigers didn'tcare about how many gold stars
you have and definitely givezero fucks about your
(03:31):
people-pleasing tendencies.
So your brain developed a rewardloop.
When someone approves of you,your brain releases a little hit
of dopamine, that feel-goodchemical that lights up your
reward system in your brain.
Like every time you get thatgood job, it's not just a
compliment, it's a chemicalcocktail, and your nervous
(03:52):
system goes, ooh, more of that,please.
But the problem is that yourbrain doesn't know the
difference between tribalsurvival and Instagram likes, or
your boss thinking you'reperfect, or your partner always
agreeing with you.
So what started as a safetymechanism turns into a cage.
(04:14):
And it doesn't mean that you'reweak, it means you've been wired
this way, and it's notnecessarily linked to your
awareness.
But here's the part I loveanything that's wired can be
rewired.
I want to share a story withyou.
When I was a kid, I learnedreally fast that being the good
girl got me the praise.
(04:35):
Oh, Steph, you're so helpful.
You're so good at that.
You're so mature.
And little me soaked it up likesunshine.
Every gold star, every smile,every nod of approval, it felt
like proof that I mattered.
But as I got older, that sameinstinct started to own me.
(04:56):
I had agreed to things that Ididn't want.
I would smile when I wasexhausted.
I would over-deliver to prove myworth.
I'd eat the sushi when all Iwanted was the burger.
And then when I did all thosethings for the sake of other
people, and then no one noticed,well, cue the insecurity and
(05:17):
signar to any confidence I had.
I felt invisible, I felt unseen,I felt unchosen.
It's like all that effort didn'teven matter.
Because I'd built an identityaround what other people
thought.
And what I thought about me wasalmost entirely based on what
other people thought about me.
(05:38):
And I didn't even really realizeit until I was bone-tired of
living someone else's story.
And if any of that hit home foryou, I want you to know you're
not broken.
You're just running on an oldprogram that used to keep you
safe.
And here's how the cycle keepsyou stuck.
Over time, you start shrinking.
(06:01):
Because every single time youabandon your truth to keep
somebody else comfortable,you're teaching your nervous
system that their comfortmatters more than my truth.
But it comes with a sidecar ofresentment, also known as quiet
rage.
It creates an identity that'sbuilt on applause instead of you
just existing and being you.
(06:24):
Okay.
So deep breath.
Here's finally the good part.
Approval addiction is learned.
And anything that is learned canbe unlearned.
And then you can replace it withsomething that really serves
you.
Something that you'veconsciously chosen.
Because nobody wakes up in themorning and says, I'm going to
(06:45):
give all my power away today.
So let's look at some practicalways to start getting you back
in the driver's seat.
The first thing you can do isname the trigger.
Like the next time you're aboutto say yes, just give yourself a
beat and pause and ask yourself,Am I doing this because I want
to or because I want to beliked?
(07:06):
Because just noticing is power.
Naming it is taking back yourauthorship.
Awareness is step one.
Then you're gonna feel thediscomfort and you're gonna
stay.
Because when you start sayingno, and this is new to you, your
nervous system might slash isabsolutely going to freak out.
(07:27):
And that's okay, and that isnormal.
This is just your heads up sothat you don't run.
Because it's just your brainrecalibrating.
Just breathe and remind yourselfthe discomfort is not danger.
You are safe.
You are allowed to stand in thattruth.
And the power that you have isthe knowing that the discomfort
(07:51):
is temporary and that you'restronger than a passing feeling,
period.
And definitely write that downif it's helpful.
Now, the third thing that you'regonna do is you're gonna reclaim
your own approval.
Now, let me be super clear aboutthis one because the faster you
adopt it, a life becomes morefun, and two, your confidence,
(08:14):
it's gonna boost like a rocketship.
Facts of facts.
Here it is.
You don't have to wait forsomeone else to clap.
All right.
So you have to start givingyourself the approval that
you've been outsourcing.
Every time you go to asksomebody else what they think,
ask yourself what do you think?
(08:34):
Answer your own question firstand start celebrating the most
microscopic wins with the energyof a Thanksgiving Day parade.
Whether it's a decision, whetherit's the way that you spoke up
in the meeting, when you go toask somebody their opinion on
the casserole you made, answeryour own question.
What do you think about thecasserole that you made?
How does it taste?
(08:55):
Are you proud of yourself?
Well, job well done.
All those things that you'd loveto hear from all the people
around the table, give it toyourself before you start to ask
outward.
And when you do that, you'reliterally retraining your brain
to release dopamine fromyourself.
You don't need validationbecause you're in your own
(09:17):
reward loop, and that is power.
You can tap into that anytime.
And remembering that our brainis a computer and a belief is
just a thought that we hold andrepeat over and over again,
knowing that you're in charge ofthe data entry reestablishes
your power, your authorship,your agency in your own life,
(09:39):
and your belief system.
Like, why have we beenoutsourcing the most important
job there is?
Why is my identity based on whatother people who know shit about
me?
Why am I giving all that poweraway?
This is the fun part.
Take the reins, run.
Because this is where you get tonumber four, the micro acts of
(10:02):
authenticity.
Here's where most people skidand abandon the process.
They take too big a swing.
Don't start with the bigdramatic boundary.
Start small, start with thecasserole, start with saying no
to the extra project or sayingyes to the burger and no to the
sushi.
Speak up, even if it'sunpopular.
(10:23):
And each of these little acts,it's a vote for your future
self.
And then number five is aningredient that cannot be
underestimated.
Build a safe belonging becausewe still need connection.
We just don't need to performfor it.
And in general, like MojoMastery focuses a lot almost
(10:47):
exclusively on the self.
But you can't ignore the factthat part of the human
experience is in how we connectwith others.
And the big question of, youknow, what is my purpose and
what am I here for?
It's to experience the impact ofhow doing what you do makes
other people feel.
(11:07):
That is powerful.
And when you surround yourselfwith people that do things that
make you feel lit up andsupported and encouraged and
seen and heard and all that goodstuff, those are your people.
Collect them like treasure andtreat them accordingly.
Because in order to truly createa mojo haven where you can
(11:31):
thrive as who you really are, itis paramount to surround
yourself with the people who canhold your no without punishing
you for it, who can see yourvalue beyond what you can do for
them, or expect you tocontribute in a certain way, or
where it feels transactional.
(11:52):
And real belonging doesn'trequire a mask, it just requires
you to be present.
It requires you to exist.
Otherwise, you're not belonging,you're just fitting in.
Do not settle for that, do notshortchange your own experience.
This is where you can dig in andreach out and try a different
(12:13):
room because you never know whoyou haven't met yet, who's going
to shine a light on your worldthat can change the game.
Because one of my favoritesayings is that you haven't met
all the people who are gonnalove you yet.
All right, my friend.
Now we've talked about the whyand the how and the what of
(12:34):
approval addiction, but here'swhere the real magic happens
when you bring it into the realworld of your actual life,
because this isn't just aboutknowing better, it's about
choosing differently.
So let's walk through how to dothat step by step.
We're gonna slow it down becausethis part matters.
(12:56):
Because, like, when it comes tobreaking any pattern, especially
approval seeking, where youfocus your attention makes all
the difference.
So if you want to be lessdependent on the approval of
other people, we're gonna gothrough step by step what to do.
And you can just start by askingyourself some questions.
Like, where in my life do I mostignore my own needs?
(13:19):
Or where am I leaning too far tomake someone else happy?
Come up with examples.
Your brain loves proof.
If we want to change, we have toremember why.
So think of the last time youwalked away from a situation
feeling small or resentful orjust invisible.
And where do I feel the heaviestpressure to be liked or accepted
(13:44):
or approved of?
Now you're not looking for themost dramatic situation.
You're looking for the one thathappens often, the one that
nibbles away at your sense ofself, the death by a thousand
yeses, that kind of thing.
So, like it could be saying yesto the extra work that you don't
really have time for, or alwaysagreeing with friends just to
(14:07):
keep the peace, or makingyourself small and holding back
because you don't want to ruffleany feathers.
And I'm talking about thesebehaviors, like it's beyond
beyond being polite, right?
It's when you downplay your ownopinions in meetings or in
conversations.
If you're biting your tongue atfamily dinners just to make sure
(14:28):
that you're not the difficultone, just pick one and don't
overthink it.
Usually it's the first one thatpops up.
That's usually the right one.
Because that moment, that's yourentry point to the freedom that
we want on the other side.
Because this is where things getreal.
Once you've chosen a situation,I want you to ask, okay, how do
(14:49):
I feel in this moment?
And what do I actually want?
And then the most powerful oneis what would I say or do if
approval wasn't on the line?
If I didn't really want mybrothers to be impressed with
the project that I worked on, ifI wasn't posting this in order
(15:10):
to get likes and follows.
Right?
Like this question just hits.
And here's the thing (15:15):
the truth is often quiet.
It's buried under layers ofshould and nice and easy and
don't rock the boat.
But if you give it a littlespace, it will speak.
And when you find that truth,maybe it'll be, actually, I
don't want to go.
I'm tired.
I don't feel this is alignedwith me.
(15:37):
Or I have a different opinion.
Or I'm gonna speak up and wantto be heard.
And you don't even have to acton it yet.
Right now we're just letting its come to the surface.
We're giving your voicepermission to exist in the room
again.
Because for people who areaddicted to approval, the truth
doesn't disappear.
(15:58):
It just gets super quiet.
And then this step is aboutturning the volume back up.
And these next questions,they're subtle, but they're
powerful.
Because once you've got thesituation, just look at yourself
and say, like, why does thismake me crave approval so much?
What am I scared of underneaththat?
What story am I telling myselfabout what will happen if I
(16:22):
don't please?
Like if I say no, they'll thinkI'm selfish.
If I disagree, they won't likeme.
If I speak up, I might lose myplace at this table.
And these fears often belong toan earlier pre-programmed,
without your knowledge, versionof you.
The one who learned thatbelonging was earned and not
(16:43):
given.
Now, heads up, and this isimportant, this isn't about
shaming that part of you.
This is just about not lettingit drive anymore.
It's time to take the keys awayfrom the driver that doesn't
have the permit to drive theupgraded version of you.
And this is where the powershifts.
Because you've identified thesituation, you've done some
(17:05):
digging, you've unearthed sometruths, you've named the fear,
and you've taken the keys awayfrom the one who shouldn't be
driving.
Now this is where you get togive yourself permission to
choose you.
Permission isn't just words on apage.
It's this little privatedeclaration of sovereignty.
And for recovering peoplepleasers, it's still like
(17:27):
permission typically comes withlike a feeling because you've
got this new awareness.
The shoulders go back, thebreath gets a bit deeper.
And it's the one you're givingto yourself.
And a good permission statement,it's clear, it's simple, and
it's grounded in the fact thatyou trust yourself.
Like I'm allowed to say nowithout over-explaining.
(17:48):
Think of all the free timeyou're gonna have.
(18:17):
They don't require agreement,they're yours.
This is about you stepping backinto the driver's seat of your
own life because you've had thekeys this whole time.
And in step number five, you'regonna anchor it in the body.
You're gonna think it's a bitwoo-woo, but it's the thing that
most people skip, and it's thething that prevents it from
(18:39):
sticking.
Because you can't just thinkyour way out of approval
addiction.
You have to feel your way outtoo.
Like when you say yourpermission statement out loud,
notice how it feels in yourchest and what happens to your
breath.
If your stomach tightens or yourshoulders drop, this is your
nervous system learning a newstory.
(19:00):
I'm safe even when I choosemyself.
And that's rewiring in realtime.
No waiting, no taking it to theboard for approval right here,
right now.
You're doing it.
And now that we've thought aboutit and we're feeling it, step
six is to take action.
Just a small one, but it'sexciting because this is the
(19:21):
moment where change meets thereal world, an actual
manifestation, if you will.
So I want you to pick one small,doable action that honors the
permission that you just gaveyourself.
And it's just maybe saying no toone thing this week.
Maybe it's speaking up in oneconversation, or maybe you stop
feeling obliged about textingback immediately and just taking
(19:45):
a pause before you say yes.
These small steps are powerfulbecause they're believable.
You don't need to burn down yourlife to start living on your
terms.
You just need to take back oneinch at a time.
So to recap, you're gonna pickthe moment that matters.
You're gonna listen for thetruth behind the habit.
(20:08):
You're gonna name the fearthat's been running the show,
and you're gonna give yourselfpermission to choose you.
You're gonna anchor it in yourbody so that it sticks.
And then you're gonna take oneaction to make it real.
This is how you break free fromneeding approval like it's air.
Not overnight, but choice bychoice, voice by voice, inch by
(20:33):
inch.
You don't need permission fromanyone else to live your truth,
but sometimes you need to hearit from yourself.
Because here's the thing (20:42):
being addicted to approval doesn't
make you weak.
It means that you've spent yearsbeing the version of yourself
that the world rewarded.
But now you're in charge.
It's time to be the version theworld can't ignore because it's
real.
Approval is nice, but it's notoxygen.
(21:04):
Your worth is not up for debate.
And your life doesn't need to bea standing ovation to be valid.
And just like that, you've gotyour very own pocket full of
(21:24):
mojo.
If this episode hit home foryou, why don't you just go ahead
and share it with somebody who'sready to stop living another
people's applause?
We could all use a friendlyreminder of a power.
And fun fact, it multipliesexponentially when we share it
with other people.
So make sure you're followingPocket Full of Mojo so you don't
(21:44):
miss next week's episode.
And there are links in allthings mojo in the show notes.
And hey, if you're feelingbrave, leave a review.
Tell me one thing you're nolonger apologizing for.
So that's it for me.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Until next time, when we talkabout how to reclaim all those
pieces of you that you once gaveaway.
(22:06):
Make sure you keep your mojoclose and your truth even
closer.
Ciao for now.
Doodaloo, Kangaroo.
Love you, bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.