October 23, 2025 • 24 mins
A simple question can shake an entire life:
What do I really want?
Not what looks impressive, not what keeps the peace—what actually lights you up. We dive into why that question triggers the body’s alarm bells, how self‑silencing gets wired in, and what it takes to reclaim autonomy without blowing everything up.
From the lens of neuroscience and self‑determination theory, we unpack why familiar patterns feel safe, why uncertainty reads as danger, and how to retrain your system to choose alignment over approval.
I share two vivid journeys—Leah, the reliable fixer who learns the power of the pause, and Maya, the connector who swaps obligatory yeses for one brave no and a seat at a pottery wheel. These aren’t tales about quitting your job; they’re stories about permission.
When want is named, intrinsic motivation turns on, creativity rises, and energy returns. We also get practical: a hell‑yes/hell‑no list to map your energy, separating want from guilt, letting desire exist without proof, and stacking micro moves that rebuild self‑trust. If the life‑level question feels too big, we zoom into today: the morning you want, the habit you’re done pretending to like, the small step that signals you’re on your own side.
Expect clarity without clichés, compassion without coddling, and tools you can use before the episode ends.
This is about moving from autopilot to authorship, trading gold stars for grounded choices, and letting your nervous system learn that alignment is safe. If this sparked something, share it with someone who needs the nudge, subscribe for more honest mojo, and leave a review to help others find their way back to their own voice.
What’s your next micro move?
Mojo Gummies? Yes Please!Need help tapping into your Mojo? See ya later brain fog- these gummies are game changers! 15% OFF!
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
More Mojo:
Daily Mojo:
Mojo Website:
Grab your People Pleaser Cheat Sheet FREE & get signed up for the weekly Mojo Magazine for all things Mojo! CLICK HERE
Music from #Uppbeat
https://uppbeat.io/t/mountaineer/run-away
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:10):
You know that moment when someone looks at you with
their kind eyes and says, Whatdo you want?
And your entire nervous systemgoes, Oh hell no, absolutely
not.
Abort mission.
We do not go there.
Yeah, that one, that question,what do I really want?
(00:31):
Is hands down one of thescariest questions for
recovering people pleasers orjust people starting over.
Scarier than setting a boundary,scarier than saying no, scarier
than walking away from somethingyou've outgrown.
Because that question, it forcesyou to meet you.
Not the version that's beenshaped by what everybody else
(00:53):
needs.
Not the one who's perfected therole of reliable, kind, always
there.
It's talking to the real you.
And friend, that's terrifyingand beautiful all at once.
Welcome back to Pocket Full ofMojo, and I'm so glad you're
here.
I'm Steph, I'm your favoriteMojo Maven, and today we're
(01:14):
going deep.
And when I say deep, I mean thekind of deep that cracks
something open.
So buckle up, Buttercup.
We're here to level up and livelife on purpose.
So we do as we do.
Let's get ready to get tuned in,tapped in, and turned on.
(01:42):
That's the question that doesn'tjust knock politely at the door
of your life.
It shows up, kicks off itsshoes, and says, So, let's get
real for a second.
Because here's the truth.
That question is tiny butmighty.
It deviates from our normal lineof questions, right?
(02:03):
Because it's not, what should Ido?
And it's not, what do they want?
And it's certainly not whatmakes sense on paper.
It's what do I really want?
And if you spent years ordecades prioritizing everyone
else's needs, then this questionfeels like trying to read a map
(02:26):
that's written in anotherlanguage.
And yeah, you never learn thatlanguage.
So why does this question feelso dangerous?
It feels threatening.
When you ask, what do I reallywant?
You're poking at old wiring, thekind that kept you safe once
upon a time.
But here's the thing (02:44):
what kept you safe then is now keeping you
stuck.
Because maybe you're not thatperson anymore.
Like if you've ever been thefixer or the peacekeeper or the
I'll just handle it person, thenyeah, you already know.
This question, it hitsdifferent.
Because here's the plot twist.
(03:05):
For many of us, we've beenliving on everyone else's
timeline, their dreams, theirneeds, their comfort zones,
their vision of what a good lifelooks like.
So our nervous systems have beentrained to find safety in other
people's approval.
Danger.
(03:25):
So when someone looks us dead inthe eye and says, Yeah, but what
about you?
It's like the entire operatingsystem glitches.
Because you know what everyoneelse wants.
You know how to read a room inseconds.
You can sense tension beforewords are even spoken.
But your own desires, yeah, thattakes a little longer to load.
(03:48):
And it's not because you'reweak, it's not because you're
confused, it's because your mevoice got drowned out by the
make everyone else okay voice.
And the psychologists, they callthis self-silencing.
When you suppress your own needsand desires to avoid conflict or
(04:08):
rejection.
And over time, your brainactually rewires itself to see
keeping the peace as a survivalmechanism.
Think about that.
Your brain, the same brain thatruns everything from should I
make coffee to is this house onfire?
It equates asking for what youwant with danger.
(04:31):
That's fucking bonkers.
And that's why this questiondoesn't just feel uncomfortable.
Because when you've spent yourwhole life adjusting and shape
shifting and making yourselfconvenient, asking what you want
can feel selfish and rebelliousand wrong.
And nobody's ever gotten a goldstar for being any of those
(04:52):
things.
But it's not wrong.
It's real.
And you can't build a life youlove if you're building it with
someone else's blueprint.
And you can't bloom if you keeppruning yourself down to fit
someone else's garden.
Because if you've spent alifetime pleasing, smoothing
things over, showing up foreveryone else, your identity has
(05:15):
been built around what otherpeople want.
And it's like trying to findyour own voice in a choir that's
been singing over you for years.
You might whisper what you want,but you drown in everyone else's
shoulds.
Because here's the thing (05:30):
like from a neuroscience lens, yeah,
we're getting a little nerdy.
The brain loves thatpredictability.
Familiar equals safe.
So even if people pleasing isexhausting, it's familiar and
it's not gonna hurt.
And asking, what do I want?
It threatens that safety becauseit introduces uncertainty.
(05:55):
And uncertainty lights up thesame threat response system in
your brain as physical danger,which is fucking wild.
But we're 21st century beingsnavigating this rock with monkey
brains.
So what do you what do you want?
You know?
So when your chest heightens oryour stomach flips, when you try
(06:16):
to answer that question, you'renot weak.
You're human.
Your brain is just doing itsprotective thing.
But as long as the buildingyou're in isn't actually on
fire, you should be fine.
Just keep pulling that thread.
But we also know from researchin motivational psychology,
shout out to theself-determination theory, that
(06:39):
autonomy is one of our corepsychological needs.
Autonomy is basically your rightto be the main character in your
own story.
And without it, yeah, our monkeybrains are there.
We're gonna survive, but wedon't thrive.
And if you've been living foreveryone else's needs, well,
(06:59):
that autonomy muscle, it mightbe a little or a lot out of
shape.
Because if we're being real,ignoring what you want, it comes
at a cost.
You don't get off scot-free.
Because when you constantlyprioritize other people, you
become exceptional at readingthe room, but you lose the
(07:21):
ability to read yourself.
And when you constantlyprioritize other people, you
make decisions based on avoidingdisappointment, not on creating
fulfillment.
And when you constantlyprioritize other people, you
confuse being needed with beingknown.
And the longer you avoid thatinner voice, the quieter it
(07:43):
gets.
Until one day, something's gonnacrack.
And that crack can look likeburnout, or a quiet, aching
resentment, or waking up onemorning with a life that looks
fine on paper, but feels like ajacket that doesn't fit anymore.
So here's a hard truth wrappedin a hug.
People pleasing, it's gonna keepyou safe, but it will not keep
(08:08):
you satisfied.
So when you get to that momentand you finally ask, What do I
really want?
You're not just picking a newbrunch spot, you're picking
yourself.
And that changes everything.
Like, let's talk about what itactually feels like to face this
question.
(08:28):
Because it's not just aquestion, it's a reckoning.
When you ask, what do I reallywant?
It's like standing on the edgeof a cliff with a blindfold on.
You can hear the wind, you canfeel the ground vibrating.
You sense something big, but youhave no idea whether what's
ahead is a soft landing or justa free fall.
(08:50):
And the feelings that show up,whew.
Yeah, so they're loud and it'sgonna show up like guilt.
And it's the voice thatwhispers, How dare you want more
when everyone else is happy withwho you've been?
And then there's Captain Fear.
Like, if I start changingthings, what happens to the
people who rely on me?
And then there's the jerk face,shame.
(09:13):
What if I realize I've built awhole life around something that
isn't even mine?
Like if these voices soundfamiliar, you're not alone.
It's the exact cocktail thatkeeps so many brilliant,
capable, compassionate peoplestuck.
Not because they don't know whatthey want, but because they're
terrified of the cost of wantingit.
(09:35):
And the truth that almost no onesays out loud is that when you
start asking what you want, itwill shake things up.
Not because you're wrong, butbecause for years everything was
built around you not asking.
So relationships might shift,routines might crumble, comfort
(09:58):
zones will definitely scream.
But that discomfort, it's notdanger, it's growth.
It's just being dramatic.
So a little neuroscience candyfor your brain, that amygdala
that I'm obsessed with, it's thepart of your brain that's
responsible for detecting athreat.
It doesn't know the differencebetween real danger and
(10:20):
emotional risk.
So when you start imagining lifeoutside the box, your body is
going to react like there's atiger in the room.
That's why your heart races.
That's why your brain goesblank.
That is why Netflix suddenlybecomes very compelling.
But the tiger isn't real.
It's just truth trying tostretch its legs.
(10:44):
Like let me tell you about Leah.
Yeah.
Her name's changed.
So Leah was the responsible one,the glue, the fixer, the kind of
person who'd volunteer beforeanybody even asked.
And she built her whole lifearound being indispensable.
And she had the job, the house,the everything's fine smile.
(11:06):
But inside she was exhausted.
And when her marriage ended,everyone expected her to bounce
back quickly.
Because that's what Leah did.
She fixed things.
But instead, she found herselfstanding in her half-empty
living room, whispering thequestion she'd avoided her whole
life.
What do I actually want?
(11:28):
And she didn't have the answer.
Just this mix of fear andfreedom swirling around in her
chest.
And for the first time, therewasn't a script to follow.
There was nobody to please.
There was nobody to fix.
And she told me later, Steph,Steph, it felt like standing in
front of a blank canvas with abrush in my hand and realizing
(11:52):
that I've only ever painted whatother people told me to.
And that moment that was thestart.
And hey, it didn't happenovernight.
It was messy.
Someday she felt brave, andsomeday she wanted to crawl back
into like those old familiarpatterns.
But slowly and choice by choice,she started to build a life that
(12:15):
actually fit.
She got this whole newvocabulary.
She started saying things.
These were her favorites.
She was like, I don't actuallywant to do that.
And then her favorite one waslike, I need time to think.
Like she loved the pause.
It was like she realized thatshe was a reflector and that she
needed to like take things away.
(12:36):
And she knew that if she didn'twant was in what was in front of
her, she didn't have to have analternative ready at the go.
She could just say, I wantsomething different.
And unbeknownst to her, theworld didn't end.
She actually found herself.
Or another story to bring thisto life.
I want to tell you about Maya.
Maya's 39.
(12:57):
She's the nice one in the group.
So she's the glue that tiedeverybody together.
Same thing in her family.
If she wasn't around, nobodywould talk to each other.
So she would be the connector.
She was the employee who getseverything done and passes the
credit on to the greater team.
And she can read a room in fiveseconds flat.
(13:19):
She was really good at sayingyes when her body was screaming
no.
But she'd built a life thatlooked good, the kind of good
that photographs well, the kindthat people envy on the
Instagram, the kind that lookssafe.
But one random Tuesday night,Maya's in her kitchen, and she's
standing under those uglylights, reheating some pasta for
(13:42):
like the third night in a row,and out of nowhere she hears it.
It's just a little whisper, andit was like, what do you really
want?
And everything's freezes.
Fork midair, pasta dripping,because she doesn't know.
She doesn't know.
And over the next few weeks, thewhisper got louder, follows her
(14:04):
to work, taps her on theshoulder during family dinners,
wakes her up at 3 a.m.
like a cosmic nudge that shenever asked for.
And then one day she stopstrying to push it away.
She starts with one bravemicroscopic act.
She quits the committee thatshe's been chairing out of guilt
for years.
She's just like, I'm done.
(14:25):
And then she's like, What do Ido with my Wednesday nights?
Well, she signed up for apottery class that she's been
wanting to take since she was17.
And then, this is big.
She tells her sister, no, forthe first time ever, when she's
asked to host another familydinner.
And I asked her, she told me, Iwas like, was it easy?
(14:47):
No, people.
People were confused and somewere annoyed.
And she was like, I second guessmyself all the time, every
single step of the way.
But something incrediblehappened.
Her world didn't collapse.
It actually got wider.
She found herself laughing inthat pottery class in a way that
(15:08):
she hadn't done in years.
And she realized how much energyshe'd been spending managing
everyone else's comfort.
And somewhere between shapingclay and sitting in the quiet,
Maya admitted something thatshe'd buried pretty deep.
She didn't actually want theshiny corporate job.
She wanted to run a small studioto teach and create and to live
(15:32):
differently.
She listened long enough tofigure out that that was the
song in her heart.
And this isn't a story aboutquitting your job.
It's not a story about pottery.
It's a story about permission.
The moment you give yourselfpermission to want something,
even if it doesn't make sense toanyone else, your life starts
(15:55):
shifting towards what's real.
Let's zoom out for a second.
Because I know what happened toMaya isn't magic, it's
neuroscience.
And when you connect with whatyou actually want, not what's
expected of you, not what looksimpressive, not what keeps
people comfortable.
You're activating intrinsicmotivation.
(16:18):
Intrinsic motivation is the fuelbehind joy and creativity and
fulfillment.
It's when you do somethingbecause it matters to you.
Your brain loves this.
It rewards you with dopamine andserotonin and all the feel-good
chemicals.
You feel alive, you feelconnected, and it 10x's when
(16:40):
you're doing it on purpose.
So many of us stumble into it byaccident.
And it's gone so fast we hardlyknow how to duplicate it.
Because when your life runs onexternal validation, the people
pleasing, the gold stars, theperformance, your stress system
stays on simmer.
Your cortisol builds up, yourburnout creeps in, like a house
(17:02):
guest that won't leave.
And you end up living a lifethat's technically good, but
emotionally flat.
That's why asking, what do Ireally want?
isn't just some fluffy self-helpline.
It's a neurological shift.
You're taking the wheel backfrom autopilot.
And no, it doesn't mean that youhave everything figured out
(17:23):
overnight, but it does mean thatyou're starting to listen to
your own damn voice again.
And that is everything.
Now let's make this real foryou.
I want you to imagine that youand I are sitting across from
each other, coffee's in hand,and you've just said it.
I don't even know what I wantanymore.
First, that's okay.
(17:45):
Not knowing isn't failure.
It's the beginning.
So let's get practical.
Because knowing this ispowerful, but doing something
about it, that's the real mojo.
So if you've spent years,decades silencing what you want,
this isn't gonna feel verynatural.
And if you're a people pleaser,you might be an overachiever and
(18:08):
a perfectionist.
So it's gonna feel awkward andclunky, and we don't like these
things.
It's like trying to do yoga inskinny jeans.
It's not cute.
But the person on the other sideof this is unstoppable.
So let's start here.
Step one, the hell yes, hell nolist.
Grab a notebook or a napkin,your notes app, whatever.
(18:30):
Draw a line down the middle, andon one side, everything that
energizes you.
Even just a little.
And on the other side,everything that drains you.
No editing, no, but I should, orthey'll be mad.
Fuck it, just the truth.
You're gonna learn a lot aboutwhat your soul's been trying to
(18:53):
whisper for years.
Step number two, separate wantfrom guilt.
Every time your brain throws a,but what will they think, or
anything that looks anythinglike that, just pause.
This is not your soul speaking,it's your conditioning.
Guilt is not a compass, it's adistraction.
(19:15):
Wanting something for yourselfdoesn't make you a villain in
someone else's story.
Moving on to step number three.
Let desire exist without proof.
You don't need a five-year planto admit that you want
something.
You don't need permission todream.
Desire doesn't need to bepractical to be true.
(19:36):
Like when you let your wantsexist without judgment, they
really start to get clearer andlouder and closer.
Then move on to step numberfour.
The micro moves.
Don't leap off the cliff.
Just take a step towards it.
Say no to something that youalways say yes to.
(19:57):
Sign up for the class, block offa weekend, speak your want out
loud to someone safe.
Because this is about buildingtrust with yourself again.
You're not chasing a finishline, you're reconnecting with
your voice.
This is a marathon, not asprint.
And start with the smallestwant.
Because if what do I want for mylife feels too big, super fair.
(20:21):
Just zoom in for a bit.
What do I want for today?
What kind of morning do I wantto have?
What do I want to stoppretending I like?
The goal isn't a perfect answer,it's a relationship with
yourself.
And there's a ripple effect,because here's the kicker.
When you start answering thisquestion honestly, it shifts
(20:45):
everything.
Your relationships changebecause you stop showing up from
obligation and start showing upfrom truth.
And your goals change becausethey're rooted in desire and not
your duty.
I said duty.
And then your energy changesbecause pretending is
exhausting.
But alignment just is breathingenergy into you all day long.
(21:10):
It feels like Christmas everyday.
And yeah, some people aren'tgonna like it.
And that is real.
But those right people, the oneswho love you, not the version of
you that keeps everybodycomfortable.
Yeah, they're gonna stay.
Because when you build a lifearound what you want, not just
what's expected, you don't haveto keep proving your worth.
(21:31):
You just live it.
I want you to close your eyesfor a second.
Unless you're driving, then youknow, maybe don't do that.
Imagine it's five years from nowand you didn't talk yourself out
of your wants.
You didn't silence the whisper.
You listened.
What does your life look like?
What's different?
(21:52):
What did you say yes to?
What did you finally let go of?
What did you build for you?
That vision, that feeling,that's your compass.
Not guilt, not fear, that.
Because here's the thing, love.
This question, what do I reallywant?
(22:14):
It's not dangerous.
It's honest.
It's your soul sending you acalendar invite titled, Hey,
it's your life, RSVP, love you.
You don't have to have theperfect answer today.
You just have to stop pretendingthat you don't hear the
question.
And you can whisper it and youcan write it down, or you can
(22:35):
speak it into the mirror, andthen just listen.
Because that whisper, that'syour truth, and it's trying to
find its way home.
And I can tell you that once youget through the fear, it's the
most exciting seed in the house.
(22:57):
So I need you to do somethingfor me.
If this episode crackedsomething open for you, if it
made you pause, don't keep it toyourself.
Share it, tag it, tag me, textyour bestie, send it to that one
friend who's been living onautopilot, and they'll thank you
later.
So let's get out there and startnormalizing, choosing ourselves,
(23:20):
because the world doesn't needanother version of who they want
you to be.
It needs you.
And this has been Pocketful ofMojo and your truth, that's your
superpower.
That's it for me, my friends.
I'm gonna see you next time.
Ciao for now.
Too-doo, kangaroo! Love you,bye.
You know that moment when someone looks at you with
their kind eyes and says, Whatdo you want?
And your entire nervous systemgoes, Oh hell no, absolutely
not.
Abort mission.
We do not go there.
Yeah, that one, that question,what do I really want?
(00:31):
Is hands down one of thescariest questions for
recovering people pleasers orjust people starting over.
Scarier than setting a boundary,scarier than saying no, scarier
than walking away from somethingyou've outgrown.
Because that question, it forcesyou to meet you.
Not the version that's beenshaped by what everybody else
(00:53):
needs.
Not the one who's perfected therole of reliable, kind, always
there.
It's talking to the real you.
And friend, that's terrifyingand beautiful all at once.
Welcome back to Pocket Full ofMojo, and I'm so glad you're
here.
I'm Steph, I'm your favoriteMojo Maven, and today we're
(01:14):
going deep.
And when I say deep, I mean thekind of deep that cracks
something open.
So buckle up, Buttercup.
We're here to level up and livelife on purpose.
So we do as we do.
Let's get ready to get tuned in,tapped in, and turned on.
(01:42):
That's the question that doesn'tjust knock politely at the door
of your life.
It shows up, kicks off itsshoes, and says, So, let's get
real for a second.
Because here's the truth.
That question is tiny butmighty.
It deviates from our normal lineof questions, right?
(02:03):
Because it's not, what should Ido?
And it's not, what do they want?
And it's certainly not whatmakes sense on paper.
It's what do I really want?
And if you spent years ordecades prioritizing everyone
else's needs, then this questionfeels like trying to read a map
(02:26):
that's written in anotherlanguage.
And yeah, you never learn thatlanguage.
So why does this question feelso dangerous?
It feels threatening.
When you ask, what do I reallywant?
You're poking at old wiring, thekind that kept you safe once
upon a time.
But here's the thing (02:44):
what kept you safe then is now keeping you
stuck.
Because maybe you're not thatperson anymore.
Like if you've ever been thefixer or the peacekeeper or the
I'll just handle it person, thenyeah, you already know.
This question, it hitsdifferent.
Because here's the plot twist.
(03:05):
For many of us, we've beenliving on everyone else's
timeline, their dreams, theirneeds, their comfort zones,
their vision of what a good lifelooks like.
So our nervous systems have beentrained to find safety in other
people's approval.
Danger.
(03:25):
So when someone looks us dead inthe eye and says, Yeah, but what
about you?
It's like the entire operatingsystem glitches.
Because you know what everyoneelse wants.
You know how to read a room inseconds.
You can sense tension beforewords are even spoken.
But your own desires, yeah, thattakes a little longer to load.
(03:48):
And it's not because you'reweak, it's not because you're
confused, it's because your mevoice got drowned out by the
make everyone else okay voice.
And the psychologists, they callthis self-silencing.
When you suppress your own needsand desires to avoid conflict or
(04:08):
rejection.
And over time, your brainactually rewires itself to see
keeping the peace as a survivalmechanism.
Think about that.
Your brain, the same brain thatruns everything from should I
make coffee to is this house onfire?
It equates asking for what youwant with danger.
(04:31):
That's fucking bonkers.
And that's why this questiondoesn't just feel uncomfortable.
Because when you've spent yourwhole life adjusting and shape
shifting and making yourselfconvenient, asking what you want
can feel selfish and rebelliousand wrong.
And nobody's ever gotten a goldstar for being any of those
(04:52):
things.
But it's not wrong.
It's real.
And you can't build a life youlove if you're building it with
someone else's blueprint.
And you can't bloom if you keeppruning yourself down to fit
someone else's garden.
Because if you've spent alifetime pleasing, smoothing
things over, showing up foreveryone else, your identity has
(05:15):
been built around what otherpeople want.
And it's like trying to findyour own voice in a choir that's
been singing over you for years.
You might whisper what you want,but you drown in everyone else's
shoulds.
Because here's the thing (05:30):
like from a neuroscience lens, yeah,
we're getting a little nerdy.
The brain loves thatpredictability.
Familiar equals safe.
So even if people pleasing isexhausting, it's familiar and
it's not gonna hurt.
And asking, what do I want?
It threatens that safety becauseit introduces uncertainty.
(05:55):
And uncertainty lights up thesame threat response system in
your brain as physical danger,which is fucking wild.
But we're 21st century beingsnavigating this rock with monkey
brains.
So what do you what do you want?
You know?
So when your chest heightens oryour stomach flips, when you try
(06:16):
to answer that question, you'renot weak.
You're human.
Your brain is just doing itsprotective thing.
But as long as the buildingyou're in isn't actually on
fire, you should be fine.
Just keep pulling that thread.
But we also know from researchin motivational psychology,
shout out to theself-determination theory, that
(06:39):
autonomy is one of our corepsychological needs.
Autonomy is basically your rightto be the main character in your
own story.
And without it, yeah, our monkeybrains are there.
We're gonna survive, but wedon't thrive.
And if you've been living foreveryone else's needs, well,
(06:59):
that autonomy muscle, it mightbe a little or a lot out of
shape.
Because if we're being real,ignoring what you want, it comes
at a cost.
You don't get off scot-free.
Because when you constantlyprioritize other people, you
become exceptional at readingthe room, but you lose the
(07:21):
ability to read yourself.
And when you constantlyprioritize other people, you
make decisions based on avoidingdisappointment, not on creating
fulfillment.
And when you constantlyprioritize other people, you
confuse being needed with beingknown.
And the longer you avoid thatinner voice, the quieter it
(07:43):
gets.
Until one day, something's gonnacrack.
And that crack can look likeburnout, or a quiet, aching
resentment, or waking up onemorning with a life that looks
fine on paper, but feels like ajacket that doesn't fit anymore.
So here's a hard truth wrappedin a hug.
People pleasing, it's gonna keepyou safe, but it will not keep
(08:08):
you satisfied.
So when you get to that momentand you finally ask, What do I
really want?
You're not just picking a newbrunch spot, you're picking
yourself.
And that changes everything.
Like, let's talk about what itactually feels like to face this
question.
(08:28):
Because it's not just aquestion, it's a reckoning.
When you ask, what do I reallywant?
It's like standing on the edgeof a cliff with a blindfold on.
You can hear the wind, you canfeel the ground vibrating.
You sense something big, but youhave no idea whether what's
ahead is a soft landing or justa free fall.
(08:50):
And the feelings that show up,whew.
Yeah, so they're loud and it'sgonna show up like guilt.
And it's the voice thatwhispers, How dare you want more
when everyone else is happy withwho you've been?
And then there's Captain Fear.
Like, if I start changingthings, what happens to the
people who rely on me?
And then there's the jerk face,shame.
(09:13):
What if I realize I've built awhole life around something that
isn't even mine?
Like if these voices soundfamiliar, you're not alone.
It's the exact cocktail thatkeeps so many brilliant,
capable, compassionate peoplestuck.
Not because they don't know whatthey want, but because they're
terrified of the cost of wantingit.
(09:35):
And the truth that almost no onesays out loud is that when you
start asking what you want, itwill shake things up.
Not because you're wrong, butbecause for years everything was
built around you not asking.
So relationships might shift,routines might crumble, comfort
(09:58):
zones will definitely scream.
But that discomfort, it's notdanger, it's growth.
It's just being dramatic.
So a little neuroscience candyfor your brain, that amygdala
that I'm obsessed with, it's thepart of your brain that's
responsible for detecting athreat.
It doesn't know the differencebetween real danger and
(10:20):
emotional risk.
So when you start imagining lifeoutside the box, your body is
going to react like there's atiger in the room.
That's why your heart races.
That's why your brain goesblank.
That is why Netflix suddenlybecomes very compelling.
But the tiger isn't real.
It's just truth trying tostretch its legs.
(10:44):
Like let me tell you about Leah.
Yeah.
Her name's changed.
So Leah was the responsible one,the glue, the fixer, the kind of
person who'd volunteer beforeanybody even asked.
And she built her whole lifearound being indispensable.
And she had the job, the house,the everything's fine smile.
(11:06):
But inside she was exhausted.
And when her marriage ended,everyone expected her to bounce
back quickly.
Because that's what Leah did.
She fixed things.
But instead, she found herselfstanding in her half-empty
living room, whispering thequestion she'd avoided her whole
life.
What do I actually want?
(11:28):
And she didn't have the answer.
Just this mix of fear andfreedom swirling around in her
chest.
And for the first time, therewasn't a script to follow.
There was nobody to please.
There was nobody to fix.
And she told me later, Steph,Steph, it felt like standing in
front of a blank canvas with abrush in my hand and realizing
(11:52):
that I've only ever painted whatother people told me to.
And that moment that was thestart.
And hey, it didn't happenovernight.
It was messy.
Someday she felt brave, andsomeday she wanted to crawl back
into like those old familiarpatterns.
But slowly and choice by choice,she started to build a life that
(12:15):
actually fit.
She got this whole newvocabulary.
She started saying things.
These were her favorites.
She was like, I don't actuallywant to do that.
And then her favorite one waslike, I need time to think.
Like she loved the pause.
It was like she realized thatshe was a reflector and that she
needed to like take things away.
(12:36):
And she knew that if she didn'twant was in what was in front of
her, she didn't have to have analternative ready at the go.
She could just say, I wantsomething different.
And unbeknownst to her, theworld didn't end.
She actually found herself.
Or another story to bring thisto life.
I want to tell you about Maya.
Maya's 39.
(12:57):
She's the nice one in the group.
So she's the glue that tiedeverybody together.
Same thing in her family.
If she wasn't around, nobodywould talk to each other.
So she would be the connector.
She was the employee who getseverything done and passes the
credit on to the greater team.
And she can read a room in fiveseconds flat.
(13:19):
She was really good at sayingyes when her body was screaming
no.
But she'd built a life thatlooked good, the kind of good
that photographs well, the kindthat people envy on the
Instagram, the kind that lookssafe.
But one random Tuesday night,Maya's in her kitchen, and she's
standing under those uglylights, reheating some pasta for
(13:42):
like the third night in a row,and out of nowhere she hears it.
It's just a little whisper, andit was like, what do you really
want?
And everything's freezes.
Fork midair, pasta dripping,because she doesn't know.
She doesn't know.
And over the next few weeks, thewhisper got louder, follows her
(14:04):
to work, taps her on theshoulder during family dinners,
wakes her up at 3 a.m.
like a cosmic nudge that shenever asked for.
And then one day she stopstrying to push it away.
She starts with one bravemicroscopic act.
She quits the committee thatshe's been chairing out of guilt
for years.
She's just like, I'm done.
(14:25):
And then she's like, What do Ido with my Wednesday nights?
Well, she signed up for apottery class that she's been
wanting to take since she was17.
And then, this is big.
She tells her sister, no, forthe first time ever, when she's
asked to host another familydinner.
And I asked her, she told me, Iwas like, was it easy?
(14:47):
No, people.
People were confused and somewere annoyed.
And she was like, I second guessmyself all the time, every
single step of the way.
But something incrediblehappened.
Her world didn't collapse.
It actually got wider.
She found herself laughing inthat pottery class in a way that
(15:08):
she hadn't done in years.
And she realized how much energyshe'd been spending managing
everyone else's comfort.
And somewhere between shapingclay and sitting in the quiet,
Maya admitted something thatshe'd buried pretty deep.
She didn't actually want theshiny corporate job.
She wanted to run a small studioto teach and create and to live
(15:32):
differently.
She listened long enough tofigure out that that was the
song in her heart.
And this isn't a story aboutquitting your job.
It's not a story about pottery.
It's a story about permission.
The moment you give yourselfpermission to want something,
even if it doesn't make sense toanyone else, your life starts
(15:55):
shifting towards what's real.
Let's zoom out for a second.
Because I know what happened toMaya isn't magic, it's
neuroscience.
And when you connect with whatyou actually want, not what's
expected of you, not what looksimpressive, not what keeps
people comfortable.
You're activating intrinsicmotivation.
(16:18):
Intrinsic motivation is the fuelbehind joy and creativity and
fulfillment.
It's when you do somethingbecause it matters to you.
Your brain loves this.
It rewards you with dopamine andserotonin and all the feel-good
chemicals.
You feel alive, you feelconnected, and it 10x's when
(16:40):
you're doing it on purpose.
So many of us stumble into it byaccident.
And it's gone so fast we hardlyknow how to duplicate it.
Because when your life runs onexternal validation, the people
pleasing, the gold stars, theperformance, your stress system
stays on simmer.
Your cortisol builds up, yourburnout creeps in, like a house
(17:02):
guest that won't leave.
And you end up living a lifethat's technically good, but
emotionally flat.
That's why asking, what do Ireally want?
isn't just some fluffy self-helpline.
It's a neurological shift.
You're taking the wheel backfrom autopilot.
And no, it doesn't mean that youhave everything figured out
(17:23):
overnight, but it does mean thatyou're starting to listen to
your own damn voice again.
And that is everything.
Now let's make this real foryou.
I want you to imagine that youand I are sitting across from
each other, coffee's in hand,and you've just said it.
I don't even know what I wantanymore.
First, that's okay.
(17:45):
Not knowing isn't failure.
It's the beginning.
So let's get practical.
Because knowing this ispowerful, but doing something
about it, that's the real mojo.
So if you've spent years,decades silencing what you want,
this isn't gonna feel verynatural.
And if you're a people pleaser,you might be an overachiever and
(18:08):
a perfectionist.
So it's gonna feel awkward andclunky, and we don't like these
things.
It's like trying to do yoga inskinny jeans.
It's not cute.
But the person on the other sideof this is unstoppable.
So let's start here.
Step one, the hell yes, hell nolist.
Grab a notebook or a napkin,your notes app, whatever.
(18:30):
Draw a line down the middle, andon one side, everything that
energizes you.
Even just a little.
And on the other side,everything that drains you.
No editing, no, but I should, orthey'll be mad.
Fuck it, just the truth.
You're gonna learn a lot aboutwhat your soul's been trying to
(18:53):
whisper for years.
Step number two, separate wantfrom guilt.
Every time your brain throws a,but what will they think, or
anything that looks anythinglike that, just pause.
This is not your soul speaking,it's your conditioning.
Guilt is not a compass, it's adistraction.
(19:15):
Wanting something for yourselfdoesn't make you a villain in
someone else's story.
Moving on to step number three.
Let desire exist without proof.
You don't need a five-year planto admit that you want
something.
You don't need permission todream.
Desire doesn't need to bepractical to be true.
(19:36):
Like when you let your wantsexist without judgment, they
really start to get clearer andlouder and closer.
Then move on to step numberfour.
The micro moves.
Don't leap off the cliff.
Just take a step towards it.
Say no to something that youalways say yes to.
(19:57):
Sign up for the class, block offa weekend, speak your want out
loud to someone safe.
Because this is about buildingtrust with yourself again.
You're not chasing a finishline, you're reconnecting with
your voice.
This is a marathon, not asprint.
And start with the smallestwant.
Because if what do I want for mylife feels too big, super fair.
(20:21):
Just zoom in for a bit.
What do I want for today?
What kind of morning do I wantto have?
What do I want to stoppretending I like?
The goal isn't a perfect answer,it's a relationship with
yourself.
And there's a ripple effect,because here's the kicker.
When you start answering thisquestion honestly, it shifts
(20:45):
everything.
Your relationships changebecause you stop showing up from
obligation and start showing upfrom truth.
And your goals change becausethey're rooted in desire and not
your duty.
I said duty.
And then your energy changesbecause pretending is
exhausting.
But alignment just is breathingenergy into you all day long.
(21:10):
It feels like Christmas everyday.
And yeah, some people aren'tgonna like it.
And that is real.
But those right people, the oneswho love you, not the version of
you that keeps everybodycomfortable.
Yeah, they're gonna stay.
Because when you build a lifearound what you want, not just
what's expected, you don't haveto keep proving your worth.
(21:31):
You just live it.
I want you to close your eyesfor a second.
Unless you're driving, then youknow, maybe don't do that.
Imagine it's five years from nowand you didn't talk yourself out
of your wants.
You didn't silence the whisper.
You listened.
What does your life look like?
What's different?
(21:52):
What did you say yes to?
What did you finally let go of?
What did you build for you?
That vision, that feeling,that's your compass.
Not guilt, not fear, that.
Because here's the thing, love.
This question, what do I reallywant?
(22:14):
It's not dangerous.
It's honest.
It's your soul sending you acalendar invite titled, Hey,
it's your life, RSVP, love you.
You don't have to have theperfect answer today.
You just have to stop pretendingthat you don't hear the
question.
And you can whisper it and youcan write it down, or you can
(22:35):
speak it into the mirror, andthen just listen.
Because that whisper, that'syour truth, and it's trying to
find its way home.
And I can tell you that once youget through the fear, it's the
most exciting seed in the house.
(22:57):
So I need you to do somethingfor me.
If this episode crackedsomething open for you, if it
made you pause, don't keep it toyourself.
Share it, tag it, tag me, textyour bestie, send it to that one
friend who's been living onautopilot, and they'll thank you
later.
So let's get out there and startnormalizing, choosing ourselves,
(23:20):
because the world doesn't needanother version of who they want
you to be.
It needs you.
And this has been Pocketful ofMojo and your truth, that's your
superpower.
That's it for me, my friends.
I'm gonna see you next time.
Ciao for now.
Too-doo, kangaroo! Love you,bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.