PsycHacks

The sooner you realize that no one is coming to save you, the sooner you will get busy addressing the pain and dysfunction in your life. Take radical responsibility, starting with the assumption that everything that happens to you – for good or bad – is your fault. Since you hold the ability to respond to the conditions you find yourself in, then it must be true that you are the one you are waiting for.

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The general attitude toward unmarried men is that they are selfish, short-sighted, man-children who forgo real growth and fulfillment in favor of satisfying their own desires. As a consequence, the irresponsible man should submit to social institutions – like marriage – that correct their baser natures. In this episode, I offer my best counterargument to the case against unmarried men and expose the flaws in this reasoning.

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If you don't believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world does. And if you do believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world doesn't. In today's episode, I illustrate this principle using a particularly satisfying example from my own life. Along the way, I explain why women are mean to men who like them. If I did it, you can too.

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Following up on my recent interview with Sadia Khan on Soft White Underbelly, I justify my belief that modern women are more delusional than men when it comes to dating and relationships. I discuss the narratives and attitudes that have contributed to the expectation that ordinary women can – and should – hold out for extraordinary men. In understanding female entitlement, both sexes can better avoid the trap presented by delusiona...

If marriage transforms wild mustangs into plow horses, why do we find so many men in harness? The answer is that some men need marriage, and they need it in much the same way that some men need the Army. If men cannot construct internally extrapolated structures to serve as a framework for their lives, they will need to submit to externally imposed ones. However, just like the Army isn't the only way to be all that you can be, marr...

Over the years, I've spoken with many men who were at a loss to explain how their marriages became unsatisfying cages. However, it we optimize for men's traditional marriage commitments – protection, provision, and sexual exclusivity – we arrive at the plow horse as the logical conclusion. The harnessing of male productivity to female ends is not a flaw, but a feature: the intended design of marriage. In this episode, I explore how...

Many self-help gurus extol the benefits of living in the present moment. However, simply living in the here and now will not solve your issues – at least, not immediately. Tuning into the present is like finally cleaning out the dirty garage you've been avoiding for years: it will be an unpleasant and effortful chore. Appreciating the problem of now helps us make sense of why so few people take advantage of this free and available ...

Like kamikaze pilots, most men living today have been brainwashed by their culture into believing that their lives derive value when they are sacrificed in the service of women. While women are instructed in their own inherent worth, men are taught that their value is created in the act of their own self-destruction. Both literally and figuratively, men are expected to die when others deem it necessary. This programming has produce...

Many folks have asked me to give an example of a successful marriage from popular culture as a kind of model for relationship best practices. After considering the matter, I'm prepared to offer one: Gomez and Morticia Addams. These two exemplify the principle of custom-tailoring the relationship to the specific needs of the individuals involved. They also love to play with each other, which keeps the passion in their relationship a...

If alpha males are supposed to be the most competent and successful men, then why do find so many beta males at the top of status hierarchies these days? How has strong male leadership become so rare? In this episode, I propose that the rise of the beta is merely a step in an uncompleted process in which women come into power. Using an example from the TV show “Survivor,” I explain why men today are so feminine: they are easier to ...

Whether in the boardroom or the bedroom, many negotiations are compromised when a man doesn't know when to shut up. Once the other party has made a decision, there is literally nothing more you can say to talk them into it – and a lot you can say to talk them out of it. Inexperienced men with low self-confidence are the worst culprits here. It's important to learn how to take the money.

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The question as to what women want has long plagued men as an unsolved (or unsolvable) riddle. However, the answer to the question is deceptively simple: women want what other women want. Through a kind of flocking instinct, women constantly observe other women in order to deduce where the fattest part of any behavioral curve is currently located, as this is where the greatest safety resides. So by observing what other women are do...

In today's day and age, it seems as though every woman has a narcissistic ex – which is surprising given the fact that folks with NPD are estimated to comprise 2% of the population. Given the fact that any relationship in which women give more than they receive could be considered exploitative – and that the adored always receive more than they give – any relationship in which women were the adorers could retroactively be considere...

The appreciation gap is the difference between the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people feel due from their partners and the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people actually receive from their partners. Negative appreciation gaps are directly responsible for the dissolution of millions of relationships every year. In this episode, I discuss simple strategies to prevent the formation of negative gaps and end with ...

While women are functionally omnipresent, there are really only four ways to meet women in today's day and age. These are the four pathways – dating apps, cold approach, social circle, and social media – and there are pros and cons to each. In general, the fastest and easiest pathways are characterized by the lowest rates of success, while the slowest and most difficult pathways are graced with better odds. For better or worse, thi...

If it is better for most relationships for the man to control the frame, why do women hold more power in the vast majority of relationships? While the abnegation of frame occurs at the onset of some relationships as a sexual strategy, in most cases power is slowly ceded over time through a series of small concessions. This starts to occur once a certain fear takes hold of the man, which is an emotional event I call “the beginning o...

I've occasionally been asked to offer a psychological explanation for why certain powerful or charismatic personalities have apparently been able to seduce the hearts and minds of young men. I contend that this phenomenon has a lot to do with the disappearance of male space and the need for belongingness that these communities satisfy. Who speaks for men? If it is considered inappropriate to support men, then don't be surprised if ...

The past fifty years have amassed a good deal of evidence in support of attachment theory. Unfortunately, this has led to the overapplication of these ideas in the popular imagination, including the notions that attachment style is permanent or must be accommodated in relationship. In point of fact, attachment can change. Understanding how it changes is the key to overcoming relational insecurity.

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Just like certain plants won't grow in certain soils, happiness will not survive in a mind full of judgment and negativity. While people are free to think whatever they want, they are not free to feel however they want as a consequence of what they choose to think. This is why not everyone can be happy. Understand that your thoughts create your reality and you're already on your way to cultivating preferred feeling states.

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