December 9, 2022 • 36 mins
When her 17-year old daughter died suddenly in a tragic off-roading accident at Pismo Beach, Kim's life was forever changed. In this intimate conversation Kim shares the depth of emotion associated with early loss and the difficult steps that bereaved parents must take on their road to healing.
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Episode Transcript
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Michelle (00:10):
Well, hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss, to inspire you and give
you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton.
Life is short. We've probablyall said that at one time or
another. We encourage oneanother to enjoy life, to check
(00:34):
off those items on the bucketlist, to make amends with people
and to live life to the fullestbecause, well, life is short.
But as parents, most of us neverreally believe that statement
will apply to our youngchildren. For them, life has
just begun. But as a mom who'slost a child at the young age of
(00:57):
17, that statement has proven tobe true for me in the most
profound way. And my guest todayis another mom who's lost a
child at the age of 17. Hersweet daughter Nicole was taken
from this life suddenly, in atragic off roading accident.
She's a mom who is wellacquainted with the brevity of
(01:19):
this life. And she's on amission to help others find hope
and healing from the pain ofsuch losses. She is a wife, a
mother, a grandmother, anauthor, blogger and speaker. Her
name is Kim Peacock, and it's mygreat honor to have her as my
guest on the show today.Welcometo qualified Kim.
Kim (01:43):
Thank you so much for having me, Michelle. I really
appreciate it. It's an honor.
Michelle (01:48):
Of course. Well, Kim, I think so many families can
relate to the fun of off roadingweekends at Pismo Beach or
riding dirt bikes in the desert.
Because it's such a great way toenjoy the outdoors is sitting
around a campfire and beingtogether. So tell us a little
bit about what your familyenjoyed about it. And also
(02:09):
please tell us about yourdaughter Nicole.
Kim (02:13):
Well, Pismo is a special place and was a special place to
our family for many years. Myhusband traveled so after
Christmas, we would try to justall go extended family, whoever
could go and just go camping,off roading, spend some time,
just us outside. And that reallywas our favorite thing to do. As
(02:36):
a family. We enjoy anythingoutside. And our daughter
Nicole, of course, I'm her mom.
So she was spectacular andamazing. But I really believe
that God gave her a specialspirit that we got to just
witness on this earth. She wasfun and full of energy and free.
And she totally embraced everyminute of every day. And her
(03:01):
goal in life was just to makefriends and to be there for
people. It was so funny. Wewould be in just some random
place and she would have a newfriend and have their phone
number our they were going to bepen pals, she was a pen pal,
this was before texting, and shewould have pen pals all over the
place. And she just reallyenjoyed people. And very close a
(03:21):
very close second to people wereanimals. And she probably got
that for me. I'm an animal girl.
I love critters, horses. Well,when she was about 11, she
started riding and it just tookroot in her. And she just she
had some of the craziest horsesin the beginning. And she would
(03:42):
just tame them down to semirideable and work with them and
spent most of her hours outsideriding and eventually showing at
a high level in the AmericanQuarter Horse Association. We
were able to travel and she didvery well in that world. But
even in that world, her firstgoal was to make a friend at
(04:05):
every show. And she said it allthe time. Okay, I'm gonna go
make friend now and she'd go outand love on people and she just
had that magnetic personalitythat it still inspires me.
Michelle (04:18):
Well, she sounds very special and very loving and
kind. Okay, so now forbackground. Can you tell us a
little about the accident thattook place that day in December?
Kim (04:33):
Sure. We were at Pismo it was three days after Christmas
and packed up most of thefamily. Not everyone was able to
go our daughter Lisa, who was ayear younger than Nicole. She
was not able to go she had tostay back because she had a
basketball tournament. So weloaded up Christmas wrapping
still on the floor of the house.
leftovers in the fridgebasically left everything laying
(04:57):
as it was And we all piled inthe car with our camp gear and
our off roaders. And we headedoff to Pismo. And we had just
gotten camp set up there and,and we decided to go out on the
dunes and ride and Nicole waskind of holding back because she
was letting everybody else ridethe quads and the ATCs. And, and
I encouraged her, I said,Nicole, you need to go take a
(05:20):
turn, you know, you need to goride a little bit and enjoy
yourself. So she's like, okay,so she got on the three wheeler
and I was on another sand dune,across, across the way and just
with our youngest son and, youknow, hanging out at the truck,
just enjoying the sun. And itwas one of those days, that was
a perfect day that you enjoy thesunshine, you're together. And I
(05:42):
remember thinking it doesn't getmuch better than this. And about
that time I looked upon a highsand dune, and just in time to
see someone riding a threewheeler at a high rate of speed,
straight off the sand dune. Andit did not occur to me right at
that moment, but it was Nicole.
(06:05):
When it did, things startedclicking in like slow motion for
me as I saw her fall and land atthe bottom on her head with ATC
the three wheeler on top of her.
My husband and his dad got toher first because I was quite a
ways away. They pulled off herhelmet, and she was not
responsive. So we're way out inthe middle of the sand dunes and
(06:28):
ambulance can't make it outthere. So they began doing CPR
put her in the back of thetruck. And they took off for the
beach to meet the ambulance wecall 911. And then once the
ambulance got there, theparamedics began to work on her.
I had stayed back because I'mjust like, go go go, which was
one of those decisions that I'vewrestled with. I talked about
(06:51):
that in my book. But I'vewrestled with that should I have
gone? You know, we doubteverything we do when we're in
those kinds of situations. But Igot a ride with a couple that
took me up there and I was justpraying, Lord, please help her
breathe, please help herbreathe. As we came around and
saw my truck there it wassurrounded with people, the
paramedics were working on her.
(07:14):
And I caught my husband's eye.
And I could tell it was it wasnot good. I couldn't really get
to her because of the crowd. ButI was able to get up and touch
her little foot, you know, whilethey were working on her and
they put her in the ambulance.
And my husband rode with her inthe ambulance to the hospital. I
got a ride with the Ranger. AndI was just praying back and
(07:36):
forth. Lord, please, please helpher breathe, saying it over and
over. And the Ranger put hishand up mine. And he said, Just
keep praying. Now in my mind, Ibelieved that meant he was God
was going to heal her. But whatI didn't know at the time, and I
came to realize that I had tokeep praying that this was life
or death. And I had to keeppraying life or death for my
(07:59):
soul. So when we got to thehospital, we continue to pray
outside her door. And they askedus to go into the waiting room.
And so we're in the waiting roomwith the family members that
were there. And the doctor camein and very bluntly said, well,
basically she died at the beach.
And from that moment, it's likethe before and the after of my
(08:21):
life. Yeah. And you know, and Iknow I believe you understand
what I mean as well. We we gaugeeverything from that moment in
time. And the chaplain asked,Can I pray the Lord's prayer
with you. And we just asked himif we could just pray from our
own hearts. And we we prayedtogether as a family and spent a
while organizing the detailsthat we needed to take care of.
(08:48):
We were several hours from home,I had the kids we had you know
that we had a dog with us. Wehad all of those things and the
family just pitched in togetherto get us taken care of. And I
had to walk out of that hospitaland leave our girl there. And
that was one of the hardestthings because I kept thinking
No, I cannot leave her. I can't.
(09:13):
I can't leave her she needs me.
And it's just this weird thingas a parent. You don't know how
to reconcile, because you can'ttake in that reality. Right. And
we then we made the long drive
Michelle (09:24):
I am so very sorry, Kim. I know that story is a hard
home.
one to relive. So thank you frommy heart for sharing it with us.
Kim in your book, you describethe details of that day. And
those that followed and actuallytalk about some of the hard
things a parent has to do whentheir child dies, like choosing
(09:45):
whether or not to view theirbody one last time to make the
drive home from the hospitalwithout your child in the car to
convey the news to other familymembers and then later pick out
a casket and a burial site.
Those are the brutal realitiesthat a bereaved parent has to
face. Why did you choose toinclude those details in the
(10:08):
book?
Kim (10:10):
Like you said,brutal realities, those are not things
most of us ever think of havingto do. We don't ever even
picture having to do that forsomeone else, much less our
child. Yeah. And walking out ofthat hospital was the hardest
thing I ever did. Making thatlong drive home, it just felt
(10:31):
like it took days. And Iremember looking out when we
would have to stop for gas, orfood on the way home and I would
look out and I think, How canthose people be existing? Don't
they understand what's happened,the rest of the world is doing
all this stuff. And then goinghome and having to walk through
(10:51):
just preparations, tellingpeople all of those steps that
we don't think about. And Iincluded them in the book,
because I think we're out of ourelement in that place. And if
somebody is reading the book,during that time, I think that
it's a really valuable thing forthem to be able to go no, for
(11:15):
one thing, no, this does happen.
And it's okay, if I feel thisway. And also to kind of help
guide them through thoseprocesses. I do think there's a
disconnect in our culture ofknowing. I mean, you go to the
funeral home, they will help youpick out a casket, but they're
salespeople. And that's not tobe rude about them, but it is
the reality. But there's adisconnect between the accident
(11:37):
or the death and being able toknow how to handle those things.
And I still feel like there's adisconnect and a need in our, in
our culture for that. Right. Soit's for those people, but also,
I realized that a lot of peoplewon't be reading my book until
after they've walked throughthose things. And because we, we
(11:57):
tend to question the decisionsthat we made, I want people to
understand they are not alone.
Yeah. And you don't make a wrongdecision, you are just making
the decision you can to getthrough that next day through
that next step. And that thosedecisions are okay. And that
(12:17):
that's okay. And and to letpeople know that they're not
alone. Yeah, the book isdesigned to be a guide book. But
if you read it after you walkthrough some of those steps,
it's really to go, okay,somebody understands, yeah, this
is important. I needed to beunderstood.
Michelle (12:35):
Yeah. And that's how it worked. For me. It was very
affirming, you know, not everyemotion that you experienced, I
experienced in the same way, buta lot of them I did. So it was
good to know, I wasn't alone.
Good. So in chapter five of yourbook, reality sets in, you
talked about the early daysfollowing Nicole's passing and
(12:55):
how difficult it was going intoher bedroom and seeing her
discarded clothing on the floor,unfinished projects and other
signs of her beautiful life thathad ended so abruptly. And you
said you used to lie in her bedand press her clothes into your
face to soak in her sense. And Iremember doing the same thing
and Sean's room, and it wasalmost impossible to leave at
(13:17):
times. Can you talk about thoseemotions that you were
experiencing?
Kim (13:25):
we stayed at their house for a while. But once I did go
home, I didn't want to changeanything. Those papers for her
course show signups they werestill on the calendar on the
calendar that was full ofevents, not just for her, but
(13:48):
family events. You know thosethings, especially at the end of
the year, you're planning andit's part of being a family, you
know, a parent. And so I didn'twant to change anything. I
didn't want to touch anything. Ididn't want to move anything.
And I would lay on the bed andjust soak her in the best I
could. I wanted to be able tohave anything that was a
(14:12):
tangible evidence of her lifewith me, because I didn't want
any I didn't want to lose anyother part of her. And that's
not sustainable. It's nothealthy for the long run. I do
think it's a perfectly normalhealthy thing to do. Especially
in the beginning. It helps usease our hearts into the reality
(14:32):
of what's happened. But theneventually, since fade, things
change for Lisa, our daughterLisa, she shared her room with
Nicole for fairness of hereventually we changed the room
we took pictures of every placein the room. So I would have we
would both have the memory of itwhat how it was with them
(14:53):
together. But those two girlsshared laughs and secrets and
you know Eagles into the nightin that room. And Lisa couldn't
bear up under that sheeventually she just couldn't. So
we change those things. And Ithink that it was important for
me to be able to let thosethings go gradually and
(15:14):
understand that those are anatural part of it. But I
couldn't hang on to them longterm, because then I couldn't
move on in my healing,right?
Michelle (15:24):
You shared about finding comfort in talking to
other parents who had lostchildren, and even shared a
story about meeting a man atNicole's visitation the night
before the memorial service, canyou tell us about that person
and why talking to otherbereaved parents helped you?
Kim (15:42):
I had heard his story before Nicole passed away. And
his daughter, his teenagedaughter got hit by a car in
front of her high school whenshe was crossing the street. And
it really rocked the community.
And I don't know if I heard it,or if I read about him, but he
when he would hear about parentswho had lost a child in the
(16:02):
community, he would reach out tothem, sometimes financially
contributing to them, or just tolet them know that they're going
to be okay. And first of all, Iwas struck that how brave that
was to show up not knowing howyou're going to be received. But
also knowing every time you lookinto the eyes of a bereaved
parent, your wound is going toget opened a little bit. And I
(16:26):
don't even think I realized thatuntil later as much. But looking
at that man going, okay, he'sstanding, he's walking, he's
breathing, if he can do that,because, you know, we don't feel
like we can survive this pain.
It really literally feelsimpossible, but to look at him,
(16:49):
and then later other hurtingparents and go, Okay, they're
making it. They're six monthsdown the road. They're seven
years down the road, they're 20years down the road. And look,
they're making it they'rebreathing, they're living. And
in a lot of cases, especiallythe further down the road.
They're thriving. Yeah. So thatwas very important to me. And I
(17:10):
really sought out those people.
And now on this end, I hope tobe those people. Yeah, yeah.
Michelle (17:16):
And I think you you are definitely doing that.You
know, one of the things thatmany people experience after the
loss of a loved one is findingdifficulty and laughter and joy
again, and you said that humordidn't feel right. And you
thought if you laughed, it woulddiminish the significance of
losing Nicole, can you talkabout how that finally shifted
(17:39):
in your mind?
Kim (17:41):
Yeah, it did not feel right. Laughter. Smiling, even
smiling just seemed, if I didsmile, it was just on the
outside and never reached myheart. And I really did feel
like I was betraying her andsort of a way. Yeah. And Nicole
was very silly. And she alwaysmade us laugh. So there were so
(18:02):
many memories of, of her justmaking us crack up till we were
crying, you know, and you know,tickling and being almost out of
control, silly. And so one day Iwas driving in my car, and one
of those memories popped into mymind. And without even thinking
about it, I broke into a smile,a real smile. And I even
(18:23):
chuckled. But in an instant, itwent from smiling, laughing to
crying, because those contrastsbetween joy and sorrow just hit.
And I sobbed for quite a while Ihad to pull over. And I felt all
the feelings I felt guilty. Ifelt like I betrayed her. I felt
(18:47):
mad because this was happening.
And I thought I can never allowthis to happen again. And then I
realized, no Nicole lived thisway. What better way to honor
her memory and her life, but tosmile and also to, to honor if I
don't enjoy that. It's almostlike it didn't happen, if that
(19:09):
makes sense. But to enjoy it andto savor it and to smile and go
on to live my life that waydoesn't diminish her. It
actually honors her memory. And,and for me to live well. Helps
to honor her memory. And Ibelieve now that that opens the
door to be able to and evensometimes now if I get too full
(19:31):
of tasks and anxiety, I have toremind myself okay, you're not
laughing enough. Because that,you know, it really is medicine
to our soul. Yeah,
Michelle (19:44):
I like that very much.
And it sounds like exactly whatI experienced. It didn't feel
right. But you know that theywouldn't want us to be unhappy
Sean was the same way with thehumor and the wit. And yeah,
Kim (19:55):
they probably come and kick our rears if they totally would.
Michelle (19:58):
They totally would.
Yeah. Okay, So many of us havequestions in our mind about our
loved ones passing. And we canreally sink into the pit if we
spend too much time, demandinganswers that will never come.
And you realize at one pointthat God doesn't owe us answers.
And you talked about the book ofJob and the Bible, and how he
(20:20):
suffered so much loss. But thenhe said to God, I had only heard
about you before. But now I haveseen you with my own eyes. What
does that mean to you? And whyis it significant?
Kim (20:37):
It was such a shift for me, because before, I believed that,
if I was, did the right thing,lived a good life, nothing bad
would happen to me. Now I knowthat that's not correct
thinking, bad things happened toeverybody. It was immature and
also wanting to avoid pain. Butwhat I realized was that God
(21:02):
doesn't owe me an answer.
Because when Nicole passed away,I thought, okay, if I can figure
out, I was always trying tofigure out how to fix myself, if
I can fix my pain, or if I cando this. Well, I thought, if I
can find out the big reason why,then I will be able to that will
ease my pain, I'll be able tofigure out and it will be all
okay. Well, what I came tounderstand is my little heart,
(21:25):
my little brain, I can't containthe reason why. And what God
did, instead of giving mereasons why he gave me Little
Blessings along the way,people's lives were changed
along the way that I still havecontact with. And that is a
blessing. But at the same time,he picked me up in my sorrow,
(21:47):
where I felt like, I wasn'tgoing to survive. And he picked
me up, he scooped up my face andlooked at my pain. And he
carried me through that pain. Hewasn't afraid to look at me in
my pain, he didn't get mad,because I was asking questions.
And that's why I feel like now Iknow God, and I cannot grasp the
(22:08):
bigness of God and who he is.
But just a little bit of hischaracter of his compassion
towards me, and how he does careabout me. And he carried me
through my pain in the midst ofmy ugliness. Yeah,
Michelle (22:29):
yeah, Ihad to ask you that. Because, you know, having
read Job before, like, youtalked about life before and
life after, it took on acompletely different meaning.
You know, we see God in ourpain, at least some of us do.
And I think that, like you said,That's what carries us. But
yeah, that scripture had acompletely different meaning to
me after Sean died. Well, theholidays are upon us. And that
(22:53):
can really be a trigger forthose who have suffered losses.
What advice do you have forthose grieving losses during
this difficult time?
Kim (23:03):
The holidays are difficult, because they remind us of who's
missing at the table. And so Ithink that that is one reason
why it's so sensitive and sopainful. During this time,
Nicole passed away three daysafter Christmas, like I said,
the Christmas wrapping was stillon the floor. And so those are
(23:23):
things that we had to deal with.
So and even now, still, I do, Ihave to watch myself, as the
days start getting shorter, andthe, the holiday decorations
come out. And I feel like it'sSeptember now. And everything is
being pushed on us, I have tostop and go, Okay, wait a
second, I have to be careful notto get caught up in that cycle
of what the culture demands. Sothat would be the first thing I
(23:47):
would advise someone, if you'rehurting, don't allow yourself to
be caught up in what the cultureis pressing you to do. Christmas
and Thanksgiving are wonderfultimes of the year. But if they
bring you more pain, tocelebrate them in a certain way,
change things up. There isnothing wrong with that. And
there may be traditions that youset aside for a time, you may
(24:11):
choose to pick those up again,it's it's okay. And you're not
betraying anyone's memory or theway things were. You have to be
able to do things and allow yourheart to agree in the way that
best suits your heart. And I dobelieve, again, in our culture,
there's so much expectationabout this time of year that the
(24:32):
hype is up, that it's easy toget caught up in that, okay,
I've got to be I've got tocelebrate with you know, a table
full of people and you know, wehave to end and that's a that's
a problem. And what we don'trealize is most people that's
not how their families are. Mostpeople aren't sitting around,
you know, with every singleperson getting along and being
(24:55):
happy there. is always someonemissing or there's painful
broken relationships. It's justit can't be a painful time. So
allow yourself permission, giveyourself permission to be able
to grieve in the way that bestsuits you. Pick up a different
new activity, maybe servesomeone in the community. You
(25:19):
know, I do believe sometimeswhen we look outside our own
pain, it helps us to deal withour pain. It doesn't take away
our pain, but it helps us to putthings in perspective. And then
on the other side, I would sayif you're a friend of someone
who is grieving, include thatperson, with no expectations,
include that person, invite themand say, You know what, you
(25:42):
don't have to come. But knowthat you're invited. You're
invited to our table becausegrief is an awkward feeling.
And, and to look at someoneelse's pain is awkward, and it
feels weird. Yeah, like, stepinto that just like that man who
came to Nicole's visitation. Youknow, he was brave enough to
step into that. And I thinkthat's important for us to be
(26:03):
able to do with other people,invite them. But don't be
offended if they don't come anddon't be offended if they leave
early. Don't have anyexpectations, say their child's
name to them. Oh, you know, whensomebody says Nicole's name to
me and tells me a story abouther. It does my heart good. It
still does my heart good. Butpeople think it's going to cause
(26:26):
more pain, but it doesn't. Yeah,so those were the things I would
be, I would say to someone, asthe holidays are approaching me,
just kind of take brief momentsduring the time and let yourself
rest. Let your heart rest. Andjust be present where you are.
Michelle (26:46):
Yeah, you and I talked before about how it's been many
years for both of us, since ourchildren have gone. But in all
honesty, it can still bedifficult at times. And I know
in your book, you You admittedthat you struggled with anxiety
and you said you were living ina constant, tense state. And you
said that your experience a formof grief, PTSD. And I thought
(27:09):
right away, I know thatheightened alert feeling I
remember feeling that and how itcan be emotionally and
physically damaging. So can youtalk a little bit about that for
somebody who may be experiencingthose feelings?
Kim (27:22):
Yes, that's part of what I call complicated grief as well.
Sorrow upon sorrow piling up.
And if we're not careful toscrape away the first layer, it
will pile up. And then we havethis very barrier of anxiety
around our hearts. And it's hardto live in that. And for me, I,
I felt like if I could controlyou know, put all my ducks in a
(27:45):
row and control everythingaround me have, you know, know
where everybody was at all timesand have everything organized,
then I could control things?
Well, control is an illusion, wecan control very little in our
lives. So I had to come up witha battle plan. And I go into
(28:06):
that more in my book. But I dothink that we need to kind of
recognize when we're gettinginto that place. Yes. And it's
heightened, because number one,it damages our body physically.
And it's it hinders our healing,we have to be able to walk
through those places and be ableto work through them, and then
bring ourselves back down to toa manageable level. And so for
(28:29):
me going outside on a walkthat's very valuable, being
really careful what I listen to,and watch on TV. Yeah, for me, I
have to limit my exposure to thenews or to programs on TV that
are, you know, crime and thingsthat are that dark, because that
will bring my heart into thatplace. And make sure I listen to
(28:51):
good podcasts and radio andthose kinds of things. Those
things will bring me out of, youknow, that cycle. So I think
that we have to be reallyintentional with doing that and
recognize take moments throughthe day and go, Okay, I'm going
to just stop, I'm going tocenter myself, because sometimes
we're way up here and we don'teven know why. And I have to go
(29:13):
okay, why am I feeling likethis? I have to be and it's
ridiculous. But you have tobackup and it might be a minor
thing. Maybe we heard anambulance, you know, for me, and
I can imagine for you as well.
If we hear an ambulance, thatsound, it triggers. Yeah. So I
have to bring myself back down.
No, it's okay. But I think thatthat's important. And if you get
(29:35):
to a place where your mind andyour emotions are running amok,
I would encourage people to seekcounseling. If you're a person
of faith, I would encourage youto find someone who is of like
faith as you and and I thinkthat that's good. Sometimes we
just need some tools to walk usthrough those things. Yeah, but
those are things that reallyreally helped me.
Michelle (29:56):
Yeah, that's very good. And I can recall feeling
that way. Even Suddenly myselfand I was talking to a friend
saying, you know, sort of makesme angry that you know that this
is happening to me when I knowbetter, I've already been
through it, and why do I keepgetting pulled back. And I was
telling her, I have to fight it.
And she said, I'm glad you fightit, you know, because like you
said, we can easily slip intodespair. So it's a it's an
(30:18):
active choice on our part, Ithink, to continue to stay
mentally and physically healthy.
Well, Kim, you shared so muchgreat information with us today.
You assured those who aregrieving that they're not alone
in their pain, and that many ofus have gone before them. And we
understand. You talked about theharsh realities of the tasks we
(30:43):
must perform when someone welove dies, and how lingering in
those moments with their itemsof clothing or personal
belongings is sacred for a time,and may help ease our minds into
the reality of what hasoccurred.
You shared about a parent who iscommitted to helping other
parents, and the braveryrequired to deliver that level
(31:04):
of support. And you spoke of howbeneficial it was to you, and
that it incited you to do thesame. You expressed how
difficult it can be to laugh andhave joy in the midst of fresh
grief, and how you eventuallyrealize that laughing again,
would not diminish yourdaughter's memory. But instead
honor a life well lived. Yourealize that God's ways are
(31:28):
higher than ours. And thatinstead of asking him why you
began to focus on the LittleBlessings along the way. You
said control is an illusion,anxiety and stress can damage us
emotionally and physically. Thatwe should celebrate the holidays
a way that is best for us. Andif your grief begins to
overshadow the rest of yourlife, it's time to seek
(31:50):
counseling. Kim, what otherlessons have you learned from
losing Nicole? Can you share togive someone hope who needs it
right now?
Kim (32:00):
Grief is and, and it sounds strange, but a beautiful
teacher. Because grief teachesus the preciousness of life.
They're still hard things, andit's so hard. I Miss Nicole
every day, I know you miss yourson every day. But in that
there's so much beauty. And Ibelieve God took something that
(32:24):
could have destroyed me. And henot only helped me to survive,
which surviving was the plan i iwould have at the time thought,
okay, it will be okay if I canjust survive. But not only that,
to bring beauty, thriving, justcolor back into my life. Not in
in despite of it, but in themidst of it. And he has showed
(32:48):
me that on both sides. Like Isaid, joy and sorrow, they can
coexist. It's still apart. Whenyou lose a child especially but
you lose anyone. There's alwaysthat rub in our lives. It's
always a part of us and, andit's like someone who has lost a
limb you need to learn to, tofunction in a new way. It is
(33:10):
part of you, but you need tofunction in a new way. But you
can't. And you can live and youcan thrive. And that part was a
surprise to me. I think that'sone of the greatest lessons. And
I believe that I will see Nicoleagain, not everything we see is
all there is there's way more.
And I believe she is in heaven.
(33:32):
She's alive, and I will see heragain. And that gives me hope. I
believe that God is teaching meto live here while I'm here to
live my life well, and to tohonor her memory, but now also
to honor what he's done for meas well. This is a gift, our
lives are a gift. So we have ajob to do. And if someone is
(33:56):
struggling right now, and youdon't feel like you're going to
make it I just want to encourageanyone who's listening who's
struggling, that you will makeit you're going to survive this
pain, you keep stepping into it,you ask God to help you. He will
carry that for you. And thenyou're not only going to survive
it, but I believe there's goingto be beauty that comes out of
Michelle (34:19):
I agree wholeheartedly, and those are
that pain.
beautiful lessons. Thank you forsharing that with us. And you
know, I told you before I lovedreading your book, it's called
Victorious Heart. It was veryhelpful to me as well even at
this point in my grief. So canyou just tell listeners where
they can get a copy of it?
Kim (34:38):
Sure. There's a link on my website and my website is
wildvictoriousheart.com and it'salso available at Amazon, Books
a Million, Barnes and Nobleanywhere books are sold. You can
get it.
Michelle (34:51):
Great. Kim, I just want to thank you so much for
agreeing to be here and shareNicole's story with us and yours
as well.
Kim (34:59):
Well Michelle, thank you so much for having me. And thank
you for this wonderful platform.
It is so valuable. Thank you.
Michelle (35:07):
So for those of you listening, if you too are a
parent who has lost a child, myheart goes out to you today.
You'll experience emotions thatyou've never felt before. And
you'll be stretched to what youmight think is your breaking
point. But take heart, myfriend, you can survive the
painful waves of grief. It willmost likely be the most
(35:32):
difficult thing you've everdone, but you must survive.
There's purpose in our pain, andyou have a story to tell. So
please don't lose hope. Feelfree to reach out to me or to
Kim. drop a note in the commentshere on my website and I promise
to respond. You are not alone.
press into God. Embrace yourfeelings and feel all you need
(35:55):
to feel and day by day you willget stronger. And then one day
you too will be able to helpsomeone else who's hurting with
the lessons you learned in yourloss. Thanks for listening
Well, hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss, to inspire you and give
you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton.
Life is short. We've probablyall said that at one time or
another. We encourage oneanother to enjoy life, to check
(00:34):
off those items on the bucketlist, to make amends with people
and to live life to the fullestbecause, well, life is short.
But as parents, most of us neverreally believe that statement
will apply to our youngchildren. For them, life has
just begun. But as a mom who'slost a child at the young age of
(00:57):
17, that statement has proven tobe true for me in the most
profound way. And my guest todayis another mom who's lost a
child at the age of 17. Hersweet daughter Nicole was taken
from this life suddenly, in atragic off roading accident.
She's a mom who is wellacquainted with the brevity of
(01:19):
this life. And she's on amission to help others find hope
and healing from the pain ofsuch losses. She is a wife, a
mother, a grandmother, anauthor, blogger and speaker. Her
name is Kim Peacock, and it's mygreat honor to have her as my
guest on the show today.Welcometo qualified Kim.
Kim (01:43):
Thank you so much for having me, Michelle. I really
appreciate it. It's an honor.
Michelle (01:48):
Of course. Well, Kim, I think so many families can
relate to the fun of off roadingweekends at Pismo Beach or
riding dirt bikes in the desert.
Because it's such a great way toenjoy the outdoors is sitting
around a campfire and beingtogether. So tell us a little
bit about what your familyenjoyed about it. And also
(02:09):
please tell us about yourdaughter Nicole.
Kim (02:13):
Well, Pismo is a special place and was a special place to
our family for many years. Myhusband traveled so after
Christmas, we would try to justall go extended family, whoever
could go and just go camping,off roading, spend some time,
just us outside. And that reallywas our favorite thing to do. As
(02:36):
a family. We enjoy anythingoutside. And our daughter
Nicole, of course, I'm her mom.
So she was spectacular andamazing. But I really believe
that God gave her a specialspirit that we got to just
witness on this earth. She wasfun and full of energy and free.
And she totally embraced everyminute of every day. And her
(03:01):
goal in life was just to makefriends and to be there for
people. It was so funny. Wewould be in just some random
place and she would have a newfriend and have their phone
number our they were going to bepen pals, she was a pen pal,
this was before texting, and shewould have pen pals all over the
place. And she just reallyenjoyed people. And very close a
(03:21):
very close second to people wereanimals. And she probably got
that for me. I'm an animal girl.
I love critters, horses. Well,when she was about 11, she
started riding and it just tookroot in her. And she just she
had some of the craziest horsesin the beginning. And she would
(03:42):
just tame them down to semirideable and work with them and
spent most of her hours outsideriding and eventually showing at
a high level in the AmericanQuarter Horse Association. We
were able to travel and she didvery well in that world. But
even in that world, her firstgoal was to make a friend at
(04:05):
every show. And she said it allthe time. Okay, I'm gonna go
make friend now and she'd go outand love on people and she just
had that magnetic personalitythat it still inspires me.
Michelle (04:18):
Well, she sounds very special and very loving and
kind. Okay, so now forbackground. Can you tell us a
little about the accident thattook place that day in December?
Kim (04:33):
Sure. We were at Pismo it was three days after Christmas
and packed up most of thefamily. Not everyone was able to
go our daughter Lisa, who was ayear younger than Nicole. She
was not able to go she had tostay back because she had a
basketball tournament. So weloaded up Christmas wrapping
still on the floor of the house.
leftovers in the fridgebasically left everything laying
(04:57):
as it was And we all piled inthe car with our camp gear and
our off roaders. And we headedoff to Pismo. And we had just
gotten camp set up there and,and we decided to go out on the
dunes and ride and Nicole waskind of holding back because she
was letting everybody else ridethe quads and the ATCs. And, and
I encouraged her, I said,Nicole, you need to go take a
(05:20):
turn, you know, you need to goride a little bit and enjoy
yourself. So she's like, okay,so she got on the three wheeler
and I was on another sand dune,across, across the way and just
with our youngest son and, youknow, hanging out at the truck,
just enjoying the sun. And itwas one of those days, that was
a perfect day that you enjoy thesunshine, you're together. And I
(05:42):
remember thinking it doesn't getmuch better than this. And about
that time I looked upon a highsand dune, and just in time to
see someone riding a threewheeler at a high rate of speed,
straight off the sand dune. Andit did not occur to me right at
that moment, but it was Nicole.
(06:05):
When it did, things startedclicking in like slow motion for
me as I saw her fall and land atthe bottom on her head with ATC
the three wheeler on top of her.
My husband and his dad got toher first because I was quite a
ways away. They pulled off herhelmet, and she was not
responsive. So we're way out inthe middle of the sand dunes and
(06:28):
ambulance can't make it outthere. So they began doing CPR
put her in the back of thetruck. And they took off for the
beach to meet the ambulance wecall 911. And then once the
ambulance got there, theparamedics began to work on her.
I had stayed back because I'mjust like, go go go, which was
one of those decisions that I'vewrestled with. I talked about
(06:51):
that in my book. But I'vewrestled with that should I have
gone? You know, we doubteverything we do when we're in
those kinds of situations. But Igot a ride with a couple that
took me up there and I was justpraying, Lord, please help her
breathe, please help herbreathe. As we came around and
saw my truck there it wassurrounded with people, the
paramedics were working on her.
(07:14):
And I caught my husband's eye.
And I could tell it was it wasnot good. I couldn't really get
to her because of the crowd. ButI was able to get up and touch
her little foot, you know, whilethey were working on her and
they put her in the ambulance.
And my husband rode with her inthe ambulance to the hospital. I
got a ride with the Ranger. AndI was just praying back and
(07:36):
forth. Lord, please, please helpher breathe, saying it over and
over. And the Ranger put hishand up mine. And he said, Just
keep praying. Now in my mind, Ibelieved that meant he was God
was going to heal her. But whatI didn't know at the time, and I
came to realize that I had tokeep praying that this was life
or death. And I had to keeppraying life or death for my
(07:59):
soul. So when we got to thehospital, we continue to pray
outside her door. And they askedus to go into the waiting room.
And so we're in the waiting roomwith the family members that
were there. And the doctor camein and very bluntly said, well,
basically she died at the beach.
And from that moment, it's likethe before and the after of my
(08:21):
life. Yeah. And you know, and Iknow I believe you understand
what I mean as well. We we gaugeeverything from that moment in
time. And the chaplain asked,Can I pray the Lord's prayer
with you. And we just asked himif we could just pray from our
own hearts. And we we prayedtogether as a family and spent a
while organizing the detailsthat we needed to take care of.
(08:48):
We were several hours from home,I had the kids we had you know
that we had a dog with us. Wehad all of those things and the
family just pitched in togetherto get us taken care of. And I
had to walk out of that hospitaland leave our girl there. And
that was one of the hardestthings because I kept thinking
No, I cannot leave her. I can't.
(09:13):
I can't leave her she needs me.
And it's just this weird thingas a parent. You don't know how
to reconcile, because you can'ttake in that reality. Right. And
we then we made the long drive
Michelle (09:24):
I am so very sorry, Kim. I know that story is a hard
home.
one to relive. So thank you frommy heart for sharing it with us.
Kim in your book, you describethe details of that day. And
those that followed and actuallytalk about some of the hard
things a parent has to do whentheir child dies, like choosing
(09:45):
whether or not to view theirbody one last time to make the
drive home from the hospitalwithout your child in the car to
convey the news to other familymembers and then later pick out
a casket and a burial site.
Those are the brutal realitiesthat a bereaved parent has to
face. Why did you choose toinclude those details in the
(10:08):
book?
Kim (10:10):
Like you said,brutal realities, those are not things
most of us ever think of havingto do. We don't ever even
picture having to do that forsomeone else, much less our
child. Yeah. And walking out ofthat hospital was the hardest
thing I ever did. Making thatlong drive home, it just felt
(10:31):
like it took days. And Iremember looking out when we
would have to stop for gas, orfood on the way home and I would
look out and I think, How canthose people be existing? Don't
they understand what's happened,the rest of the world is doing
all this stuff. And then goinghome and having to walk through
(10:51):
just preparations, tellingpeople all of those steps that
we don't think about. And Iincluded them in the book,
because I think we're out of ourelement in that place. And if
somebody is reading the book,during that time, I think that
it's a really valuable thing forthem to be able to go no, for
(11:15):
one thing, no, this does happen.
And it's okay, if I feel thisway. And also to kind of help
guide them through thoseprocesses. I do think there's a
disconnect in our culture ofknowing. I mean, you go to the
funeral home, they will help youpick out a casket, but they're
salespeople. And that's not tobe rude about them, but it is
the reality. But there's adisconnect between the accident
(11:37):
or the death and being able toknow how to handle those things.
And I still feel like there's adisconnect and a need in our, in
our culture for that. Right. Soit's for those people, but also,
I realized that a lot of peoplewon't be reading my book until
after they've walked throughthose things. And because we, we
(11:57):
tend to question the decisionsthat we made, I want people to
understand they are not alone.
Yeah. And you don't make a wrongdecision, you are just making
the decision you can to getthrough that next day through
that next step. And that thosedecisions are okay. And that
(12:17):
that's okay. And and to letpeople know that they're not
alone. Yeah, the book isdesigned to be a guide book. But
if you read it after you walkthrough some of those steps,
it's really to go, okay,somebody understands, yeah, this
is important. I needed to beunderstood.
Michelle (12:35):
Yeah. And that's how it worked. For me. It was very
affirming, you know, not everyemotion that you experienced, I
experienced in the same way, buta lot of them I did. So it was
good to know, I wasn't alone.
Good. So in chapter five of yourbook, reality sets in, you
talked about the early daysfollowing Nicole's passing and
(12:55):
how difficult it was going intoher bedroom and seeing her
discarded clothing on the floor,unfinished projects and other
signs of her beautiful life thathad ended so abruptly. And you
said you used to lie in her bedand press her clothes into your
face to soak in her sense. And Iremember doing the same thing
and Sean's room, and it wasalmost impossible to leave at
(13:17):
times. Can you talk about thoseemotions that you were
experiencing?
Kim (13:25):
we stayed at their house for a while. But once I did go
home, I didn't want to changeanything. Those papers for her
course show signups they werestill on the calendar on the
calendar that was full ofevents, not just for her, but
(13:48):
family events. You know thosethings, especially at the end of
the year, you're planning andit's part of being a family, you
know, a parent. And so I didn'twant to change anything. I
didn't want to touch anything. Ididn't want to move anything.
And I would lay on the bed andjust soak her in the best I
could. I wanted to be able tohave anything that was a
(14:12):
tangible evidence of her lifewith me, because I didn't want
any I didn't want to lose anyother part of her. And that's
not sustainable. It's nothealthy for the long run. I do
think it's a perfectly normalhealthy thing to do. Especially
in the beginning. It helps usease our hearts into the reality
(14:32):
of what's happened. But theneventually, since fade, things
change for Lisa, our daughterLisa, she shared her room with
Nicole for fairness of hereventually we changed the room
we took pictures of every placein the room. So I would have we
would both have the memory of itwhat how it was with them
(14:53):
together. But those two girlsshared laughs and secrets and
you know Eagles into the nightin that room. And Lisa couldn't
bear up under that sheeventually she just couldn't. So
we change those things. And Ithink that it was important for
me to be able to let thosethings go gradually and
(15:14):
understand that those are anatural part of it. But I
couldn't hang on to them longterm, because then I couldn't
move on in my healing,right?
Michelle (15:24):
You shared about finding comfort in talking to
other parents who had lostchildren, and even shared a
story about meeting a man atNicole's visitation the night
before the memorial service, canyou tell us about that person
and why talking to otherbereaved parents helped you?
Kim (15:42):
I had heard his story before Nicole passed away. And
his daughter, his teenagedaughter got hit by a car in
front of her high school whenshe was crossing the street. And
it really rocked the community.
And I don't know if I heard it,or if I read about him, but he
when he would hear about parentswho had lost a child in the
(16:02):
community, he would reach out tothem, sometimes financially
contributing to them, or just tolet them know that they're going
to be okay. And first of all, Iwas struck that how brave that
was to show up not knowing howyou're going to be received. But
also knowing every time you lookinto the eyes of a bereaved
parent, your wound is going toget opened a little bit. And I
(16:26):
don't even think I realized thatuntil later as much. But looking
at that man going, okay, he'sstanding, he's walking, he's
breathing, if he can do that,because, you know, we don't feel
like we can survive this pain.
It really literally feelsimpossible, but to look at him,
(16:49):
and then later other hurtingparents and go, Okay, they're
making it. They're six monthsdown the road. They're seven
years down the road, they're 20years down the road. And look,
they're making it they'rebreathing, they're living. And
in a lot of cases, especiallythe further down the road.
They're thriving. Yeah. So thatwas very important to me. And I
(17:10):
really sought out those people.
And now on this end, I hope tobe those people. Yeah, yeah.
Michelle (17:16):
And I think you you are definitely doing that.You
know, one of the things thatmany people experience after the
loss of a loved one is findingdifficulty and laughter and joy
again, and you said that humordidn't feel right. And you
thought if you laughed, it woulddiminish the significance of
losing Nicole, can you talkabout how that finally shifted
(17:39):
in your mind?
Kim (17:41):
Yeah, it did not feel right. Laughter. Smiling, even
smiling just seemed, if I didsmile, it was just on the
outside and never reached myheart. And I really did feel
like I was betraying her andsort of a way. Yeah. And Nicole
was very silly. And she alwaysmade us laugh. So there were so
(18:02):
many memories of, of her justmaking us crack up till we were
crying, you know, and you know,tickling and being almost out of
control, silly. And so one day Iwas driving in my car, and one
of those memories popped into mymind. And without even thinking
about it, I broke into a smile,a real smile. And I even
(18:23):
chuckled. But in an instant, itwent from smiling, laughing to
crying, because those contrastsbetween joy and sorrow just hit.
And I sobbed for quite a while Ihad to pull over. And I felt all
the feelings I felt guilty. Ifelt like I betrayed her. I felt
(18:47):
mad because this was happening.
And I thought I can never allowthis to happen again. And then I
realized, no Nicole lived thisway. What better way to honor
her memory and her life, but tosmile and also to, to honor if I
don't enjoy that. It's almostlike it didn't happen, if that
(19:09):
makes sense. But to enjoy it andto savor it and to smile and go
on to live my life that waydoesn't diminish her. It
actually honors her memory. And,and for me to live well. Helps
to honor her memory. And Ibelieve now that that opens the
door to be able to and evensometimes now if I get too full
(19:31):
of tasks and anxiety, I have toremind myself okay, you're not
laughing enough. Because that,you know, it really is medicine
to our soul. Yeah,
Michelle (19:44):
I like that very much.
And it sounds like exactly whatI experienced. It didn't feel
right. But you know that theywouldn't want us to be unhappy
Sean was the same way with thehumor and the wit. And yeah,
Kim (19:55):
they probably come and kick our rears if they totally would.
Michelle (19:58):
They totally would.
Yeah. Okay, So many of us havequestions in our mind about our
loved ones passing. And we canreally sink into the pit if we
spend too much time, demandinganswers that will never come.
And you realize at one pointthat God doesn't owe us answers.
And you talked about the book ofJob and the Bible, and how he
(20:20):
suffered so much loss. But thenhe said to God, I had only heard
about you before. But now I haveseen you with my own eyes. What
does that mean to you? And whyis it significant?
Kim (20:37):
It was such a shift for me, because before, I believed that,
if I was, did the right thing,lived a good life, nothing bad
would happen to me. Now I knowthat that's not correct
thinking, bad things happened toeverybody. It was immature and
also wanting to avoid pain. Butwhat I realized was that God
(21:02):
doesn't owe me an answer.
Because when Nicole passed away,I thought, okay, if I can figure
out, I was always trying tofigure out how to fix myself, if
I can fix my pain, or if I cando this. Well, I thought, if I
can find out the big reason why,then I will be able to that will
ease my pain, I'll be able tofigure out and it will be all
okay. Well, what I came tounderstand is my little heart,
(21:25):
my little brain, I can't containthe reason why. And what God
did, instead of giving mereasons why he gave me Little
Blessings along the way,people's lives were changed
along the way that I still havecontact with. And that is a
blessing. But at the same time,he picked me up in my sorrow,
(21:47):
where I felt like, I wasn'tgoing to survive. And he picked
me up, he scooped up my face andlooked at my pain. And he
carried me through that pain. Hewasn't afraid to look at me in
my pain, he didn't get mad,because I was asking questions.
And that's why I feel like now Iknow God, and I cannot grasp the
(22:08):
bigness of God and who he is.
But just a little bit of hischaracter of his compassion
towards me, and how he does careabout me. And he carried me
through my pain in the midst ofmy ugliness. Yeah,
Michelle (22:29):
yeah, Ihad to ask you that. Because, you know, having
read Job before, like, youtalked about life before and
life after, it took on acompletely different meaning.
You know, we see God in ourpain, at least some of us do.
And I think that, like you said,That's what carries us. But
yeah, that scripture had acompletely different meaning to
me after Sean died. Well, theholidays are upon us. And that
(22:53):
can really be a trigger forthose who have suffered losses.
What advice do you have forthose grieving losses during
this difficult time?
Kim (23:03):
The holidays are difficult, because they remind us of who's
missing at the table. And so Ithink that that is one reason
why it's so sensitive and sopainful. During this time,
Nicole passed away three daysafter Christmas, like I said,
the Christmas wrapping was stillon the floor. And so those are
(23:23):
things that we had to deal with.
So and even now, still, I do, Ihave to watch myself, as the
days start getting shorter, andthe, the holiday decorations
come out. And I feel like it'sSeptember now. And everything is
being pushed on us, I have tostop and go, Okay, wait a
second, I have to be careful notto get caught up in that cycle
of what the culture demands. Sothat would be the first thing I
(23:47):
would advise someone, if you'rehurting, don't allow yourself to
be caught up in what the cultureis pressing you to do. Christmas
and Thanksgiving are wonderfultimes of the year. But if they
bring you more pain, tocelebrate them in a certain way,
change things up. There isnothing wrong with that. And
there may be traditions that youset aside for a time, you may
(24:11):
choose to pick those up again,it's it's okay. And you're not
betraying anyone's memory or theway things were. You have to be
able to do things and allow yourheart to agree in the way that
best suits your heart. And I dobelieve, again, in our culture,
there's so much expectationabout this time of year that the
(24:32):
hype is up, that it's easy toget caught up in that, okay,
I've got to be I've got tocelebrate with you know, a table
full of people and you know, wehave to end and that's a that's
a problem. And what we don'trealize is most people that's
not how their families are. Mostpeople aren't sitting around,
you know, with every singleperson getting along and being
(24:55):
happy there. is always someonemissing or there's painful
broken relationships. It's justit can't be a painful time. So
allow yourself permission, giveyourself permission to be able
to grieve in the way that bestsuits you. Pick up a different
new activity, maybe servesomeone in the community. You
(25:19):
know, I do believe sometimeswhen we look outside our own
pain, it helps us to deal withour pain. It doesn't take away
our pain, but it helps us to putthings in perspective. And then
on the other side, I would sayif you're a friend of someone
who is grieving, include thatperson, with no expectations,
include that person, invite themand say, You know what, you
(25:42):
don't have to come. But knowthat you're invited. You're
invited to our table becausegrief is an awkward feeling.
And, and to look at someoneelse's pain is awkward, and it
feels weird. Yeah, like, stepinto that just like that man who
came to Nicole's visitation. Youknow, he was brave enough to
step into that. And I thinkthat's important for us to be
(26:03):
able to do with other people,invite them. But don't be
offended if they don't come anddon't be offended if they leave
early. Don't have anyexpectations, say their child's
name to them. Oh, you know, whensomebody says Nicole's name to
me and tells me a story abouther. It does my heart good. It
still does my heart good. Butpeople think it's going to cause
(26:26):
more pain, but it doesn't. Yeah,so those were the things I would
be, I would say to someone, asthe holidays are approaching me,
just kind of take brief momentsduring the time and let yourself
rest. Let your heart rest. Andjust be present where you are.
Michelle (26:46):
Yeah, you and I talked before about how it's been many
years for both of us, since ourchildren have gone. But in all
honesty, it can still bedifficult at times. And I know
in your book, you You admittedthat you struggled with anxiety
and you said you were living ina constant, tense state. And you
said that your experience a formof grief, PTSD. And I thought
(27:09):
right away, I know thatheightened alert feeling I
remember feeling that and how itcan be emotionally and
physically damaging. So can youtalk a little bit about that for
somebody who may be experiencingthose feelings?
Kim (27:22):
Yes, that's part of what I call complicated grief as well.
Sorrow upon sorrow piling up.
And if we're not careful toscrape away the first layer, it
will pile up. And then we havethis very barrier of anxiety
around our hearts. And it's hardto live in that. And for me, I,
I felt like if I could controlyou know, put all my ducks in a
(27:45):
row and control everythingaround me have, you know, know
where everybody was at all timesand have everything organized,
then I could control things?
Well, control is an illusion, wecan control very little in our
lives. So I had to come up witha battle plan. And I go into
(28:06):
that more in my book. But I dothink that we need to kind of
recognize when we're gettinginto that place. Yes. And it's
heightened, because number one,it damages our body physically.
And it's it hinders our healing,we have to be able to walk
through those places and be ableto work through them, and then
bring ourselves back down to toa manageable level. And so for
(28:29):
me going outside on a walkthat's very valuable, being
really careful what I listen to,and watch on TV. Yeah, for me, I
have to limit my exposure to thenews or to programs on TV that
are, you know, crime and thingsthat are that dark, because that
will bring my heart into thatplace. And make sure I listen to
(28:51):
good podcasts and radio andthose kinds of things. Those
things will bring me out of, youknow, that cycle. So I think
that we have to be reallyintentional with doing that and
recognize take moments throughthe day and go, Okay, I'm going
to just stop, I'm going tocenter myself, because sometimes
we're way up here and we don'teven know why. And I have to go
(29:13):
okay, why am I feeling likethis? I have to be and it's
ridiculous. But you have tobackup and it might be a minor
thing. Maybe we heard anambulance, you know, for me, and
I can imagine for you as well.
If we hear an ambulance, thatsound, it triggers. Yeah. So I
have to bring myself back down.
No, it's okay. But I think thatthat's important. And if you get
(29:35):
to a place where your mind andyour emotions are running amok,
I would encourage people to seekcounseling. If you're a person
of faith, I would encourage youto find someone who is of like
faith as you and and I thinkthat that's good. Sometimes we
just need some tools to walk usthrough those things. Yeah, but
those are things that reallyreally helped me.
Michelle (29:56):
Yeah, that's very good. And I can recall feeling
that way. Even Suddenly myselfand I was talking to a friend
saying, you know, sort of makesme angry that you know that this
is happening to me when I knowbetter, I've already been
through it, and why do I keepgetting pulled back. And I was
telling her, I have to fight it.
And she said, I'm glad you fightit, you know, because like you
said, we can easily slip intodespair. So it's a it's an
(30:18):
active choice on our part, Ithink, to continue to stay
mentally and physically healthy.
Well, Kim, you shared so muchgreat information with us today.
You assured those who aregrieving that they're not alone
in their pain, and that many ofus have gone before them. And we
understand. You talked about theharsh realities of the tasks we
(30:43):
must perform when someone welove dies, and how lingering in
those moments with their itemsof clothing or personal
belongings is sacred for a time,and may help ease our minds into
the reality of what hasoccurred.
You shared about a parent who iscommitted to helping other
parents, and the braveryrequired to deliver that level
(31:04):
of support. And you spoke of howbeneficial it was to you, and
that it incited you to do thesame. You expressed how
difficult it can be to laugh andhave joy in the midst of fresh
grief, and how you eventuallyrealize that laughing again,
would not diminish yourdaughter's memory. But instead
honor a life well lived. Yourealize that God's ways are
(31:28):
higher than ours. And thatinstead of asking him why you
began to focus on the LittleBlessings along the way. You
said control is an illusion,anxiety and stress can damage us
emotionally and physically. Thatwe should celebrate the holidays
a way that is best for us. Andif your grief begins to
overshadow the rest of yourlife, it's time to seek
(31:50):
counseling. Kim, what otherlessons have you learned from
losing Nicole? Can you share togive someone hope who needs it
right now?
Kim (32:00):
Grief is and, and it sounds strange, but a beautiful
teacher. Because grief teachesus the preciousness of life.
They're still hard things, andit's so hard. I Miss Nicole
every day, I know you miss yourson every day. But in that
there's so much beauty. And Ibelieve God took something that
(32:24):
could have destroyed me. And henot only helped me to survive,
which surviving was the plan i iwould have at the time thought,
okay, it will be okay if I canjust survive. But not only that,
to bring beauty, thriving, justcolor back into my life. Not in
in despite of it, but in themidst of it. And he has showed
(32:48):
me that on both sides. Like Isaid, joy and sorrow, they can
coexist. It's still apart. Whenyou lose a child especially but
you lose anyone. There's alwaysthat rub in our lives. It's
always a part of us and, andit's like someone who has lost a
limb you need to learn to, tofunction in a new way. It is
(33:10):
part of you, but you need tofunction in a new way. But you
can't. And you can live and youcan thrive. And that part was a
surprise to me. I think that'sone of the greatest lessons. And
I believe that I will see Nicoleagain, not everything we see is
all there is there's way more.
And I believe she is in heaven.
(33:32):
She's alive, and I will see heragain. And that gives me hope. I
believe that God is teaching meto live here while I'm here to
live my life well, and to tohonor her memory, but now also
to honor what he's done for meas well. This is a gift, our
lives are a gift. So we have ajob to do. And if someone is
(33:56):
struggling right now, and youdon't feel like you're going to
make it I just want to encourageanyone who's listening who's
struggling, that you will makeit you're going to survive this
pain, you keep stepping into it,you ask God to help you. He will
carry that for you. And thenyou're not only going to survive
it, but I believe there's goingto be beauty that comes out of
Michelle (34:19):
I agree wholeheartedly, and those are
that pain.
beautiful lessons. Thank you forsharing that with us. And you
know, I told you before I lovedreading your book, it's called
Victorious Heart. It was veryhelpful to me as well even at
this point in my grief. So canyou just tell listeners where
they can get a copy of it?
Kim (34:38):
Sure. There's a link on my website and my website is
wildvictoriousheart.com and it'salso available at Amazon, Books
a Million, Barnes and Nobleanywhere books are sold. You can
get it.
Michelle (34:51):
Great. Kim, I just want to thank you so much for
agreeing to be here and shareNicole's story with us and yours
as well.
Kim (34:59):
Well Michelle, thank you so much for having me. And thank
you for this wonderful platform.
It is so valuable. Thank you.
Michelle (35:07):
So for those of you listening, if you too are a
parent who has lost a child, myheart goes out to you today.
You'll experience emotions thatyou've never felt before. And
you'll be stretched to what youmight think is your breaking
point. But take heart, myfriend, you can survive the
painful waves of grief. It willmost likely be the most
(35:32):
difficult thing you've everdone, but you must survive.
There's purpose in our pain, andyou have a story to tell. So
please don't lose hope. Feelfree to reach out to me or to
Kim. drop a note in the commentshere on my website and I promise
to respond. You are not alone.
press into God. Embrace yourfeelings and feel all you need
(35:55):
to feel and day by day you willget stronger. And then one day
you too will be able to helpsomeone else who's hurting with
the lessons you learned in yourloss. Thanks for listening
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