September 17, 2022 • 20 mins
Witnessing domestic violence as a child had a deep and profound impact on John’s life. In his later years, he would experience multiple losses including divorce, the loss of a business, and the death of loved ones. Listen in as John shares his experiences and how he was finally set free from the anger, resentment and bitterness that held him captive for years.
Get a copy of John’s book Broken and Redeemed:
https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Redeemed-Finding-Complete-Surrender-ebook/dp/B09TS8MM3T/ref=sr_1_1?crid=45JYK0WYCQ7U&keywords=broken+and+redeemed+john+jarman&qid=1662579180&sprefix=Broken+and+redeemed%2Caps%2C145&sr=8-1
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Episode Transcript
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Michelle Heaton (00:10):
Hey everybody and welcome back to qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss to inspire you and give you
hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. Inprevious episodes of the
podcast, we've talked aboutdifferent types of loss, and the
(00:30):
grief that many peopleexperience after losing
something or someone theycherish in this life. And we've
discussed cumulative grief, orgrief overload, which is when
someone experiences a secondloss, while still grieving the
first loss, and how that can bean especially difficult road to
walk. Well, my guest today hasexperienced a number of
(00:54):
traumatic losses in his life.
And not only has he managed topress on and keep a positive
outlook in the aftermath of hiscumulative grief. But he's also
just written and published abook where he details the events
that took place in his life.
Broken and redeemed is not justa journal of his experiences,
(01:16):
but a testimony to the fact thatif he can do it, so can you. His
name is John Jarman. And inaddition to being an author,
he's also a United States MarineCorps veteran who served during
Operation Desert Storm. He holdsa master's degree in physical
education from Ohio University.
And for 17 years, John taughtand coached high school
(01:39):
football. He previously ownedand operated his own fitness
center, and he's now the fitnessdirector at a prestigious Golf
Club in Washington State. Andhe's currently enrolled in a
master's program at FaithInternational University in
pursuit of a master's degree intheology. Welcome to qualified
John.
John Jarman (02:01):
Michelle, I really appreciate you having me on.
Thank you. Of course.
Michelle Heaton (02:06):
Well, John, as I said, Before, you have had a
lot of loss in your life. And inyour book, you take the readers
through a detailed timeline ofthese events. But one of the
events that occurred in yourlife as a young boy, was
especially traumatizing. Can youtalk a little bit about what
happened in your life around theage of 12,
John Jarman (02:29):
my dad was an alcoholic, very abusive, and I
don't really have much memory ofmy childhood up until age 12. So
when I was 12, one of the thingsI remember is waking up, my mom
was being, you know, beaten up,and I went out, I went out of
the kitchen, grabbed a knife outof the drawer and told my dad,
if he didn't quit beating her,I'm kill him. And he left that
night. And from that moment on,it was my three brothers and my
(02:52):
mom, you know, trying to justsurvive whatever way we could.
And so I grew up, you know,basically, without a father, I
did see my dad from time totime, but it really wasn't that
strong of a relationship untillater, when I was in the Marine
Corps.
Michelle Heaton (03:08):
Well, witnessing abuse between your
father and mother is certainlyno easy thing to talk about, or
to live through. So thank youfor sharing it with us. You said
that you started using drugs andalcohol at a very early age to
mask the pain of your youth. Andin your late teens, you felt
like your life lacked direction.
And so you decided to join theMarine Corps to get away from
(03:31):
the negative environment thatyou were surrounded in back
then. And then at the same timeyou met and married your wife,
Lynn, you had enrolled incollege, and it seemed like your
life was headed in a gooddirection. But then the marriage
ended in divorce some more lossfor you.
John Jarman (03:49):
Yeah, and what, without opening any wounds,
Michelle, I just, you know, itwas a transgression on my part.
And, you know, me probably beingtoo focused on my work rather
than the marriage elfia. Wedidn't learn and I never had any
kid. So I probably became aworkaholic. And that put a lot
of strain on it. And then, and Idon't want to get into details,
(04:10):
there's a very big transgressionand, and that ended the
marriage.
Michelle Heaton (04:14):
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce is never
easy. And regardless of whatactually contributed to the end
of the marriage, I know you werestill experiencing pain and loss
when this occurred. Butsomething interesting happened
between you and your dad afterall this time, and your
relationship with him turnedaround. It got to the point
(04:36):
where you were actually lookingforward to his phone call every
week. How did you go from whereyou were to this new place with
him?
John Jarman (04:44):
The mending of the relationship started with with a
bit of a violence because I'dknock on the door and when he
opened the door, I punched himin the mouth. I'm not saying
that the way you should mend therelationship, but that at that
time, you know, that's probablythe only thing I understood. And
my dad stood up, wipe the bloodoff his lift and said I did that
let's go have a beer and talk.
And we spent the next hours, letme know how many talking about
(05:05):
the things that I was told hewasn't doing and what doing and
all this stuff as far as childsupport, and he showed me all
these records and so a clearthings up and then I came back
and I confronted my mom with atwo because when the parents put
the kids in the middle of theirarguments, it's tougher on the
kid. And that's one thing when Iwas coaching, high school
football, if I had a kid who haddivorced parents, I was trying
(05:26):
to get them not to do that, Iwould tell him how bad it is for
the kid, you don't want to saythings about your spouse, you
know, if you've had to gettogether, you guys can't live
together, the kids always yours,man. So let's do what's right
for the child. That that's atough part when that happened.
And, you know, that's where alot of my, I guess my bitterness
came from, is just dealing withall that, trying to overcome
that.
Michelle Heaton (05:49):
Yeah, that's one of the saddest outcomes of
divorce, in my opinion, is theimpact on the children. And your
early life and view of marriagewas obviously tainted by what
you saw, modeled. So the factthat you were able to confront
your father and hear him out andultimately forgive him is a
really big deal. And so over thecourse of the next 15 or so
(06:11):
years, he's back in your life,you're talking on a regular
basis, and you are trulyenjoying having your father back
in your life. And then in 2003,he dies of a heart attack. How
are you feeling now?
John Jarman (06:26):
Well, firstly, was shocked. But having mended the
relationship and having himthere for as long as I did after
that, you know, up until 2003,when he passed away, he would
call me every Sunday morning, wehad some great conversations,
and it was every week. And youknow, the hardest part was that,
you know, probably a couplemonths after that with the phone
call when the phone didn't ring,you know, and it wasn't there.
(06:48):
And that was that was thetoughest part. And I just I
truly enjoyed watching my dad,my stepmom had two daughters,
and one of her daughters was aheroin addict. And she was
pregnant with a child and shedied on the delivery room. And
my dad and my stepmom raisedthat child till my dad passed
away. And, and I really think mydad used that as a way to make
(07:10):
amends for how he treated us.
Because he treated you know,watching him raise, Josh was
just an amazing thing. And I wasglad I got to see that. Yeah,
Michelle Heaton (07:20):
that's incredible that you are able to
view their relationship in thatway and recognize the ways that
he might have been trying towrite some of those past wrongs.
Well, I'm sorry for the loss ofyour father, and you've been
through a lot up to this pointin your life. And then your
mother who moves closer to youfollowing your father's death,
(07:42):
sadly, she passes away at thistime. And then two of your three
brothers also passed away withina short timeframe. All of these
losses must have been so painfulfor you. But then I read in your
book where you say that at thattime, your businesses are also
failing as a result of thepandemic. And you had to make a
hard decision to close thedoors. How did you respond to
(08:05):
all of these different losseshappening in your life?
John Jarman (08:08):
When I moved back home, I noticed a self
destructive pattern start tohappen. But I decided like no, I
can't do this anymore. And so Igoogled counseling because I
knew I needed to go seesomebody. The best thing that
happened to me is I foundChristina Hollins. And, you
know, we work together on andoff for 10 years. And so I add
her as the huge support when Ilost my mom. And when I lost
(08:31):
David and Steve. And then allthrough the next years and years
and one visit. I walked out ofher office, I sat down in my car
and the weight of the world waslifted off my shoulders. And I
went back into her office and Isaid I'm not coming back. And
she says What do you mean? Isaid, You freed me. I'm over at
all. And she's you know, ofcourse, she gave it up, give me
a hug. And we both cried becauseit was just, it was that good.
(08:53):
So for your listeners, whenyou're grieving or you're going
through a tough time, don't beafraid to ask for help. You're
not the only one that's goingthrough what you went through
thick the counselors becausethey're they're a godsend.
Michelle Heaton (09:05):
I'm so glad you were able to connect with the
right therapists, and that youstuck it out with her for so
many years, until you got to thepoint where you finally felt
free. She helped you processyour childhood pain, your
resentment of your father, yourdivorce, and then your father's
death. At this point, you'refeeling better and you're in a
(09:28):
long term relationship more thanfour years. And then that
relationship ends. Well,
John Jarman (09:35):
it was kind of a mutual separation and it was a
tough situation. So we decidedto part ways and we still remain
friends were in contact quite abit. And it was just something
that that we both kind of feltthat we needed to do.
Michelle Heaton (09:49):
So around that same time when you were going
through all of that which wasemotionally taxing, then the
wife of your only living brotherbecome seriously ill and dies.
And your brother is strugglingemotionally, and he moves in
with you.
John Jarman (10:04):
That was very tough, because, you know, Jason
was a recovering addict, becausehim and Jessica were were
addicts. And, you know, my firstthought was, if Jason didn't
move in with me, I would losehim within a couple weeks. So I
talked to him about that. And itwas going great. And then he
relapsed and started usingagain, and it got to the point
(10:26):
where I, you're on your own, andI just let him go, because I
couldn't deal with it anylonger. I'd done as much as I
could. And I had to accept thefact that I might lose him,
keeping up with me wasn'tworking. And so I had to let him
go. So and that was very tough.
So
Michelle Heaton (10:42):
my heartbreaks for him, having been through a
difficult childhood, as well.
And now on top of his addictionissues, He's grieving. And
you're doing your best to holdthings together for all of you.
So John, up to this point inyour life, you've lost your
father, your mother and two ofyour three brothers. And you
said, your brother, David'sdeath was especially hard on you
(11:03):
due to the circumstances,
John Jarman (11:07):
it was sudden, he will be two years old, and you
had a heart attack the daybefore my 49th birthday. And he
was pronounced brain dead on mybirthday. And then life support
was pulled the next day. And sothat that, to me, was probably
the hardest lock. The the beautyof it though, because there's,
(11:28):
there's beauty in it is mybrother, he was really patriotic
first and he loved bald eagles.
And three weeks after hisservice, I was at a golf course
here in Washington playing golf.
And a bald eagle followed mearound the backpack. And so when
I play golf, I usually see abald eagle. So that's the beauty
of it. Because I know Dave,still with me, all of them are
(11:48):
hard. But his last was probablythe hardest to deal with just
setting it when no one knew. Andjust pull up, we get the crowd
and, you know, so.
Michelle Heaton (11:56):
So John, you have experienced so many losses
over the years. But you learneda lot of valuable life lessons,
having walked through it allyour experiences, as a young man
taught you that children are sovulnerable, and almost always
adversely affected by thedivorce of their parents. And
(12:16):
you even work to share thatmessage with the parents of your
students. You learn that amarriage suffers when the focus
on work and career is greaterthan the spouse and family. You
know, now that communication,even in the midst of anger and
hurt, can serve as the catalystfor change, even in the worst
(12:37):
relationship. You realize thatthe anger and bitterness you
were carrying around were adirect result of what you had
been through in your upbringing.
And you were determined to seethings turn around. You shared
about the harsh impact of suddendeath, but discovered the beauty
that can be found and memoriesand special signs that assure us
that our loved ones are okay.
(13:01):
And through so much adversity,you also learn the value of
setting boundaries, even withthose we love. John, what other
important life lessons can youshare with us today that you
learned from your losses?
John Jarman (13:16):
Well, the first thing I would say is what I
learned is seek out don't beafraid to ask for help. And know
that you're not the only onethat's going through this or
have gone through this. And whenyou find that person that you
can work with, be humble and bevulnerable. That was something
that Christine worked with me along time on, it's becoming
vulnerable. And when I got myfirst review of my book from an
(13:39):
editor, it talked about myvulnerability as a male author,
the vulnerability that you needin green counseling, to let your
guard down, let your pride down.
And I think that's harder formen. So the men in your
audience, this is more directedto them, it is like all your
pride, raise your hand at anyhelp. And then let the people
have the honest and bevulnerable. Because you'll get
(14:01):
through it a lot quicker. Andit'll be it'll be a little less
painful, there's still going tobe some pain, but it'll be a
little less painful. So but thething about counseling is I
would tell people to thinkdifferent values. If that gives
you a time to be unconditionallyhonest about how you feel, and
that person is not going tojudge you that person is not
(14:21):
going to condemn you. They'rejust going to talk to you and
help you through thosesituations and give you some
ideas and book to read. It'llhelp you through the situation.
And Christine was She saved mylife. And she wrote the foreword
to the book. And so I just Ican't thank her enough. So the
biggest lesson that go get help.
(14:42):
Don't try to do it on your own.
Michelle Heaton (14:44):
Yeah, well said. So in the intro, I said
you were currently pursuing amaster's degree in theology.
Give us that background,especially since you were not
raised with any kind of faithgrowing up and describe your
life today.
John Jarman (14:59):
Well, I mean I mean, I'm in the best place I've
ever been in my life because ofthe work I did with Christina
and then finding my spiritualmentor Scotty Kessler, working
for probably five years onprayer plans and that type of
stuff. And just him disciplingme and him teaching me how to
pray and how to read the Bibleand understand the Bible better.
(15:19):
And he's one of the reasons whyI enrolled in seminary. I wanted
a deeper understanding of thework. And I didn't grow up in a
church, like he said, Mydecision to join the Marine
Corps, I was in a party on NewYear's Eve, and you know, drugs,
alcohol, and I just lookedaround and I went, there's gotta
be more to life. This I got upand walked out the door. Two
days later, I walked into amarine recruiting office. Two
(15:39):
months later, I was standing inSan Diego. And yet, my first
exposure to church was at BootCamp, because the drill
instructor said, you guys can goto church, and I was like, good,
I get it our vacation for methat I'm going to church. I
think that was where the seedwas planted, though. And then as
I got into coaching, and startedworking with the Fellowship of
Christian Athletes, my faithdeepened. And it just continued
(16:01):
to deepen. And like I said, whenI met Scotty, it just became a
firehose and I mean, I, I have adaily prayer, Bible reading
time, every day, and I'vestayed, whether it's been
probably 2014. And it just,that's what I need to keep me
where I'm at. And it keeps megrounded, keeps me humbled. And
once I understood who I am inChrist, I stopped taking
(16:21):
affection and acceptance frompeople in the world. And that,
because I know where that is,and I know where it lived. And
that was the game changer. Andthat's what made it a lot easier
to let go of the past to notcondemn myself. And the biggest
part of it is learning how toforgive yourself, and then
forgiving the people who hurtyou. And then also asking the
(16:44):
people that you hurt forforgiveness, because that's all
part of your faith. And doingthat it made me stronger. And
it's put me where I'm at today.
Michelle Heaton (16:54):
Yeah, well, you certainly modeled forgiveness
with your dad. And giveneverything that you and your
brothers endured for so manyyears growing up with abuse,
that had to be very difficult.
So now that you're on the otherside of all of this, what would
you say to someone who mightstill be in a situation like the
one you were in back then
John Jarman (17:15):
get out? First thing is call the police and get
out. Because it's not it's notworth trying to save it. And
I've always said that, that's myfirst advice to a woman if being
an abuser, get out, you're worthmore than that. And you
shouldn't be treated that way.
Michelle Heaton (17:30):
That's great advice. And I know therapy, even
though it did wonders for youcan cause us to have to go back
and relive the past trauma andthat can be painful. What about
the person who thinks they justcan't go back there again,
emotionally,
John Jarman (17:46):
I would say still go because they're going to help
you through that they're goingto walk you through that.
Christine revealed to justpeeling the layers of an onion
back, when did you get a littlecloser to the fender, it gets a
little mallia and smellier. Butthen when you're done, the odors
of whey and you're free and go,it's a time consuming method
when it took me 10 years off andon to do that, and they're gonna
(18:08):
give you the strength, the needto get through that. There's
gonna be I mean, there's timeswhen I walked out of counseling
sessions, and I was so mentallyand emotionally drained that I
wouldn't go back to work,because I couldn't and but I
knew that that was part of thehealing process. And so a lot of
times when that happened, Iwould just, I would go get my
golf club, and I'd go play golf,and I'd be by myself. And so I
(18:29):
could still kind of process ofwhat we went through. And I
think the key to therapy isdoing the homework that your
therapist gives you in beinghonest with yourself when you're
doing that,
Michelle Heaton (18:39):
again, your willingness to be vulnerable,
and to seek help was so criticalto the success that you've had.
So I just want to underscorethat. And the last thing I want
to mention is your book, wherecan listeners learn more about
you and get a copy of broken andredeemed?
John Jarman (18:57):
Well, they can visit my website broken and
redeemed.com. It's availablethere. There's information about
myself in the book, or they canvisit any bookstore website.
It's available. August 16 wasthe publication date. So it's
available on Kindle and allforms of ebook. The audible is
not out yet. That will bereleased, probably somewhere in
November, but they can find itanywhere.
Michelle Heaton (19:19):
John, I just want to thank you from the
bottom of my heart for againbeing vulnerable. I believe
you're helping so many people byopening up your heart and
sharing your deepest pain. Sothank you so much for being my
guest on the show today.
John Jarman (19:33):
Michelle, thank you. I appreciate you having me
on.
Michelle Heaton (19:38):
So for those of you listening, if you too have
experienced unhealthy patternsin your life that you believe
are related to early childhoodpain, I encourage you to seek
help. John's journey included somany more painful stops along
the way before he arrived atthat place of peace. But he
(19:59):
stayed the course. worse. So Ijust want to encourage you that
there is hope. You're not alonein your pain. You may feel like
you've tried it all and nothingseems to work, but don't give
up. And one day like John,you'll be able to help someone
else by the lessons you learnedfrom your loss. Thanks for
(20:20):
listening
Hey everybody and welcome back to qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss to inspire you and give you
hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. Inprevious episodes of the
podcast, we've talked aboutdifferent types of loss, and the
(00:30):
grief that many peopleexperience after losing
something or someone theycherish in this life. And we've
discussed cumulative grief, orgrief overload, which is when
someone experiences a secondloss, while still grieving the
first loss, and how that can bean especially difficult road to
walk. Well, my guest today hasexperienced a number of
(00:54):
traumatic losses in his life.
And not only has he managed topress on and keep a positive
outlook in the aftermath of hiscumulative grief. But he's also
just written and published abook where he details the events
that took place in his life.
Broken and redeemed is not justa journal of his experiences,
(01:16):
but a testimony to the fact thatif he can do it, so can you. His
name is John Jarman. And inaddition to being an author,
he's also a United States MarineCorps veteran who served during
Operation Desert Storm. He holdsa master's degree in physical
education from Ohio University.
And for 17 years, John taughtand coached high school
(01:39):
football. He previously ownedand operated his own fitness
center, and he's now the fitnessdirector at a prestigious Golf
Club in Washington State. Andhe's currently enrolled in a
master's program at FaithInternational University in
pursuit of a master's degree intheology. Welcome to qualified
John.
John Jarman (02:01):
Michelle, I really appreciate you having me on.
Thank you. Of course.
Michelle Heaton (02:06):
Well, John, as I said, Before, you have had a
lot of loss in your life. And inyour book, you take the readers
through a detailed timeline ofthese events. But one of the
events that occurred in yourlife as a young boy, was
especially traumatizing. Can youtalk a little bit about what
happened in your life around theage of 12,
John Jarman (02:29):
my dad was an alcoholic, very abusive, and I
don't really have much memory ofmy childhood up until age 12. So
when I was 12, one of the thingsI remember is waking up, my mom
was being, you know, beaten up,and I went out, I went out of
the kitchen, grabbed a knife outof the drawer and told my dad,
if he didn't quit beating her,I'm kill him. And he left that
night. And from that moment on,it was my three brothers and my
(02:52):
mom, you know, trying to justsurvive whatever way we could.
And so I grew up, you know,basically, without a father, I
did see my dad from time totime, but it really wasn't that
strong of a relationship untillater, when I was in the Marine
Corps.
Michelle Heaton (03:08):
Well, witnessing abuse between your
father and mother is certainlyno easy thing to talk about, or
to live through. So thank youfor sharing it with us. You said
that you started using drugs andalcohol at a very early age to
mask the pain of your youth. Andin your late teens, you felt
like your life lacked direction.
And so you decided to join theMarine Corps to get away from
(03:31):
the negative environment thatyou were surrounded in back
then. And then at the same timeyou met and married your wife,
Lynn, you had enrolled incollege, and it seemed like your
life was headed in a gooddirection. But then the marriage
ended in divorce some more lossfor you.
John Jarman (03:49):
Yeah, and what, without opening any wounds,
Michelle, I just, you know, itwas a transgression on my part.
And, you know, me probably beingtoo focused on my work rather
than the marriage elfia. Wedidn't learn and I never had any
kid. So I probably became aworkaholic. And that put a lot
of strain on it. And then, and Idon't want to get into details,
(04:10):
there's a very big transgressionand, and that ended the
marriage.
Michelle Heaton (04:14):
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce is never
easy. And regardless of whatactually contributed to the end
of the marriage, I know you werestill experiencing pain and loss
when this occurred. Butsomething interesting happened
between you and your dad afterall this time, and your
relationship with him turnedaround. It got to the point
(04:36):
where you were actually lookingforward to his phone call every
week. How did you go from whereyou were to this new place with
him?
John Jarman (04:44):
The mending of the relationship started with with a
bit of a violence because I'dknock on the door and when he
opened the door, I punched himin the mouth. I'm not saying
that the way you should mend therelationship, but that at that
time, you know, that's probablythe only thing I understood. And
my dad stood up, wipe the bloodoff his lift and said I did that
let's go have a beer and talk.
And we spent the next hours, letme know how many talking about
(05:05):
the things that I was told hewasn't doing and what doing and
all this stuff as far as childsupport, and he showed me all
these records and so a clearthings up and then I came back
and I confronted my mom with atwo because when the parents put
the kids in the middle of theirarguments, it's tougher on the
kid. And that's one thing when Iwas coaching, high school
football, if I had a kid who haddivorced parents, I was trying
(05:26):
to get them not to do that, Iwould tell him how bad it is for
the kid, you don't want to saythings about your spouse, you
know, if you've had to gettogether, you guys can't live
together, the kids always yours,man. So let's do what's right
for the child. That that's atough part when that happened.
And, you know, that's where alot of my, I guess my bitterness
came from, is just dealing withall that, trying to overcome
that.
Michelle Heaton (05:49):
Yeah, that's one of the saddest outcomes of
divorce, in my opinion, is theimpact on the children. And your
early life and view of marriagewas obviously tainted by what
you saw, modeled. So the factthat you were able to confront
your father and hear him out andultimately forgive him is a
really big deal. And so over thecourse of the next 15 or so
(06:11):
years, he's back in your life,you're talking on a regular
basis, and you are trulyenjoying having your father back
in your life. And then in 2003,he dies of a heart attack. How
are you feeling now?
John Jarman (06:26):
Well, firstly, was shocked. But having mended the
relationship and having himthere for as long as I did after
that, you know, up until 2003,when he passed away, he would
call me every Sunday morning, wehad some great conversations,
and it was every week. And youknow, the hardest part was that,
you know, probably a couplemonths after that with the phone
call when the phone didn't ring,you know, and it wasn't there.
(06:48):
And that was that was thetoughest part. And I just I
truly enjoyed watching my dad,my stepmom had two daughters,
and one of her daughters was aheroin addict. And she was
pregnant with a child and shedied on the delivery room. And
my dad and my stepmom raisedthat child till my dad passed
away. And, and I really think mydad used that as a way to make
(07:10):
amends for how he treated us.
Because he treated you know,watching him raise, Josh was
just an amazing thing. And I wasglad I got to see that. Yeah,
Michelle Heaton (07:20):
that's incredible that you are able to
view their relationship in thatway and recognize the ways that
he might have been trying towrite some of those past wrongs.
Well, I'm sorry for the loss ofyour father, and you've been
through a lot up to this pointin your life. And then your
mother who moves closer to youfollowing your father's death,
(07:42):
sadly, she passes away at thistime. And then two of your three
brothers also passed away withina short timeframe. All of these
losses must have been so painfulfor you. But then I read in your
book where you say that at thattime, your businesses are also
failing as a result of thepandemic. And you had to make a
hard decision to close thedoors. How did you respond to
(08:05):
all of these different losseshappening in your life?
John Jarman (08:08):
When I moved back home, I noticed a self
destructive pattern start tohappen. But I decided like no, I
can't do this anymore. And so Igoogled counseling because I
knew I needed to go seesomebody. The best thing that
happened to me is I foundChristina Hollins. And, you
know, we work together on andoff for 10 years. And so I add
her as the huge support when Ilost my mom. And when I lost
(08:31):
David and Steve. And then allthrough the next years and years
and one visit. I walked out ofher office, I sat down in my car
and the weight of the world waslifted off my shoulders. And I
went back into her office and Isaid I'm not coming back. And
she says What do you mean? Isaid, You freed me. I'm over at
all. And she's you know, ofcourse, she gave it up, give me
a hug. And we both cried becauseit was just, it was that good.
(08:53):
So for your listeners, whenyou're grieving or you're going
through a tough time, don't beafraid to ask for help. You're
not the only one that's goingthrough what you went through
thick the counselors becausethey're they're a godsend.
Michelle Heaton (09:05):
I'm so glad you were able to connect with the
right therapists, and that youstuck it out with her for so
many years, until you got to thepoint where you finally felt
free. She helped you processyour childhood pain, your
resentment of your father, yourdivorce, and then your father's
death. At this point, you'refeeling better and you're in a
(09:28):
long term relationship more thanfour years. And then that
relationship ends. Well,
John Jarman (09:35):
it was kind of a mutual separation and it was a
tough situation. So we decidedto part ways and we still remain
friends were in contact quite abit. And it was just something
that that we both kind of feltthat we needed to do.
Michelle Heaton (09:49):
So around that same time when you were going
through all of that which wasemotionally taxing, then the
wife of your only living brotherbecome seriously ill and dies.
And your brother is strugglingemotionally, and he moves in
with you.
John Jarman (10:04):
That was very tough, because, you know, Jason
was a recovering addict, becausehim and Jessica were were
addicts. And, you know, my firstthought was, if Jason didn't
move in with me, I would losehim within a couple weeks. So I
talked to him about that. And itwas going great. And then he
relapsed and started usingagain, and it got to the point
(10:26):
where I, you're on your own, andI just let him go, because I
couldn't deal with it anylonger. I'd done as much as I
could. And I had to accept thefact that I might lose him,
keeping up with me wasn'tworking. And so I had to let him
go. So and that was very tough.
So
Michelle Heaton (10:42):
my heartbreaks for him, having been through a
difficult childhood, as well.
And now on top of his addictionissues, He's grieving. And
you're doing your best to holdthings together for all of you.
So John, up to this point inyour life, you've lost your
father, your mother and two ofyour three brothers. And you
said, your brother, David'sdeath was especially hard on you
(11:03):
due to the circumstances,
John Jarman (11:07):
it was sudden, he will be two years old, and you
had a heart attack the daybefore my 49th birthday. And he
was pronounced brain dead on mybirthday. And then life support
was pulled the next day. And sothat that, to me, was probably
the hardest lock. The the beautyof it though, because there's,
(11:28):
there's beauty in it is mybrother, he was really patriotic
first and he loved bald eagles.
And three weeks after hisservice, I was at a golf course
here in Washington playing golf.
And a bald eagle followed mearound the backpack. And so when
I play golf, I usually see abald eagle. So that's the beauty
of it. Because I know Dave,still with me, all of them are
(11:48):
hard. But his last was probablythe hardest to deal with just
setting it when no one knew. Andjust pull up, we get the crowd
and, you know, so.
Michelle Heaton (11:56):
So John, you have experienced so many losses
over the years. But you learneda lot of valuable life lessons,
having walked through it allyour experiences, as a young man
taught you that children are sovulnerable, and almost always
adversely affected by thedivorce of their parents. And
(12:16):
you even work to share thatmessage with the parents of your
students. You learn that amarriage suffers when the focus
on work and career is greaterthan the spouse and family. You
know, now that communication,even in the midst of anger and
hurt, can serve as the catalystfor change, even in the worst
(12:37):
relationship. You realize thatthe anger and bitterness you
were carrying around were adirect result of what you had
been through in your upbringing.
And you were determined to seethings turn around. You shared
about the harsh impact of suddendeath, but discovered the beauty
that can be found and memoriesand special signs that assure us
that our loved ones are okay.
(13:01):
And through so much adversity,you also learn the value of
setting boundaries, even withthose we love. John, what other
important life lessons can youshare with us today that you
learned from your losses?
John Jarman (13:16):
Well, the first thing I would say is what I
learned is seek out don't beafraid to ask for help. And know
that you're not the only onethat's going through this or
have gone through this. And whenyou find that person that you
can work with, be humble and bevulnerable. That was something
that Christine worked with me along time on, it's becoming
vulnerable. And when I got myfirst review of my book from an
(13:39):
editor, it talked about myvulnerability as a male author,
the vulnerability that you needin green counseling, to let your
guard down, let your pride down.
And I think that's harder formen. So the men in your
audience, this is more directedto them, it is like all your
pride, raise your hand at anyhelp. And then let the people
have the honest and bevulnerable. Because you'll get
(14:01):
through it a lot quicker. Andit'll be it'll be a little less
painful, there's still going tobe some pain, but it'll be a
little less painful. So but thething about counseling is I
would tell people to thinkdifferent values. If that gives
you a time to be unconditionallyhonest about how you feel, and
that person is not going tojudge you that person is not
(14:21):
going to condemn you. They'rejust going to talk to you and
help you through thosesituations and give you some
ideas and book to read. It'llhelp you through the situation.
And Christine was She saved mylife. And she wrote the foreword
to the book. And so I just Ican't thank her enough. So the
biggest lesson that go get help.
(14:42):
Don't try to do it on your own.
Michelle Heaton (14:44):
Yeah, well said. So in the intro, I said
you were currently pursuing amaster's degree in theology.
Give us that background,especially since you were not
raised with any kind of faithgrowing up and describe your
life today.
John Jarman (14:59):
Well, I mean I mean, I'm in the best place I've
ever been in my life because ofthe work I did with Christina
and then finding my spiritualmentor Scotty Kessler, working
for probably five years onprayer plans and that type of
stuff. And just him disciplingme and him teaching me how to
pray and how to read the Bibleand understand the Bible better.
(15:19):
And he's one of the reasons whyI enrolled in seminary. I wanted
a deeper understanding of thework. And I didn't grow up in a
church, like he said, Mydecision to join the Marine
Corps, I was in a party on NewYear's Eve, and you know, drugs,
alcohol, and I just lookedaround and I went, there's gotta
be more to life. This I got upand walked out the door. Two
days later, I walked into amarine recruiting office. Two
(15:39):
months later, I was standing inSan Diego. And yet, my first
exposure to church was at BootCamp, because the drill
instructor said, you guys can goto church, and I was like, good,
I get it our vacation for methat I'm going to church. I
think that was where the seedwas planted, though. And then as
I got into coaching, and startedworking with the Fellowship of
Christian Athletes, my faithdeepened. And it just continued
(16:01):
to deepen. And like I said, whenI met Scotty, it just became a
firehose and I mean, I, I have adaily prayer, Bible reading
time, every day, and I'vestayed, whether it's been
probably 2014. And it just,that's what I need to keep me
where I'm at. And it keeps megrounded, keeps me humbled. And
once I understood who I am inChrist, I stopped taking
(16:21):
affection and acceptance frompeople in the world. And that,
because I know where that is,and I know where it lived. And
that was the game changer. Andthat's what made it a lot easier
to let go of the past to notcondemn myself. And the biggest
part of it is learning how toforgive yourself, and then
forgiving the people who hurtyou. And then also asking the
(16:44):
people that you hurt forforgiveness, because that's all
part of your faith. And doingthat it made me stronger. And
it's put me where I'm at today.
Michelle Heaton (16:54):
Yeah, well, you certainly modeled forgiveness
with your dad. And giveneverything that you and your
brothers endured for so manyyears growing up with abuse,
that had to be very difficult.
So now that you're on the otherside of all of this, what would
you say to someone who mightstill be in a situation like the
one you were in back then
John Jarman (17:15):
get out? First thing is call the police and get
out. Because it's not it's notworth trying to save it. And
I've always said that, that's myfirst advice to a woman if being
an abuser, get out, you're worthmore than that. And you
shouldn't be treated that way.
Michelle Heaton (17:30):
That's great advice. And I know therapy, even
though it did wonders for youcan cause us to have to go back
and relive the past trauma andthat can be painful. What about
the person who thinks they justcan't go back there again,
emotionally,
John Jarman (17:46):
I would say still go because they're going to help
you through that they're goingto walk you through that.
Christine revealed to justpeeling the layers of an onion
back, when did you get a littlecloser to the fender, it gets a
little mallia and smellier. Butthen when you're done, the odors
of whey and you're free and go,it's a time consuming method
when it took me 10 years off andon to do that, and they're gonna
(18:08):
give you the strength, the needto get through that. There's
gonna be I mean, there's timeswhen I walked out of counseling
sessions, and I was so mentallyand emotionally drained that I
wouldn't go back to work,because I couldn't and but I
knew that that was part of thehealing process. And so a lot of
times when that happened, Iwould just, I would go get my
golf club, and I'd go play golf,and I'd be by myself. And so I
(18:29):
could still kind of process ofwhat we went through. And I
think the key to therapy isdoing the homework that your
therapist gives you in beinghonest with yourself when you're
doing that,
Michelle Heaton (18:39):
again, your willingness to be vulnerable,
and to seek help was so criticalto the success that you've had.
So I just want to underscorethat. And the last thing I want
to mention is your book, wherecan listeners learn more about
you and get a copy of broken andredeemed?
John Jarman (18:57):
Well, they can visit my website broken and
redeemed.com. It's availablethere. There's information about
myself in the book, or they canvisit any bookstore website.
It's available. August 16 wasthe publication date. So it's
available on Kindle and allforms of ebook. The audible is
not out yet. That will bereleased, probably somewhere in
November, but they can find itanywhere.
Michelle Heaton (19:19):
John, I just want to thank you from the
bottom of my heart for againbeing vulnerable. I believe
you're helping so many people byopening up your heart and
sharing your deepest pain. Sothank you so much for being my
guest on the show today.
John Jarman (19:33):
Michelle, thank you. I appreciate you having me
on.
Michelle Heaton (19:38):
So for those of you listening, if you too have
experienced unhealthy patternsin your life that you believe
are related to early childhoodpain, I encourage you to seek
help. John's journey included somany more painful stops along
the way before he arrived atthat place of peace. But he
(19:59):
stayed the course. worse. So Ijust want to encourage you that
there is hope. You're not alonein your pain. You may feel like
you've tried it all and nothingseems to work, but don't give
up. And one day like John,you'll be able to help someone
else by the lessons you learnedfrom your loss. Thanks for
(20:20):
listening
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