November 20, 2023 • 44 mins
When a social media post informed her about a fatal shark attack at the very time and place her husband was surfing that day, Katie instinctively knew her worst fear had been realized. Now widowed at the age of 27, her life had been shattered into a million pieces launching her into the unknown, unwanted journey of grief.
Listen in as I talk with Katie Kelly- an incredibly strong and resilient woman, and the founder of Through It All - a newly established nonprofit foundation dedicated to helping those in grief and equipping churches and individuals with the tools to compassionately walk alongside people after the loss of a loved one.
Katie's Foundation - Through it All:
https://www.throughitall.com/
#widow #childlesswidow #traumaticloss #suddenloss #throughitall
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Michelle (00:09):
Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss to inspire you and give you
hope.
I'm Michelle Heaton.
Losing a loved one suddenly canbe such a traumatic experience.
In an instant, our lives arechanged forever and we find
(00:33):
ourselves forced to navigate anew reality without our loved
ones in it.
And sudden loss the type ofloss I experience when my son,
Sean passed away feels like asucker punch.
When you get that phone call orhear those sirens or walk into
a bedroom, the wind gets knockedout of you and you realize that
(00:54):
nothing in your life will everbe the same.
Well, my guest today knowsexactly what sudden loss feels
like.
She was going about her dailyroutine when she learned there
was a fatal shark attack at thevery time and place her husband
and his friends were planning tosurf that day.
She read about the incident onher social media feed and then
(01:18):
came the call that confirmed herworst fear.
That afternoon in 2020 changedher for sure.
She was, of course, devastatedand shocked, and she had to face
a new world without her husbandand best friend.
But she also realized somethings about loss that she
wanted to change.
She saw opportunities in hergrief that she decided she
(01:42):
wanted to do something about.
She's not only an incrediblystrong and resilient woman, but
today she's also the founder ofThrough it All, a newly
established non-profitfoundation dedicated to helping
those in grief and equippingchurches and individuals with
the tools to compassionatelywalk alongside people after the
(02:05):
loss of a loved one.
Her name is Katie Kelly, andit's my honor to have her as my
guest on the show today.
Welcome to Qualified Katie.
Katie (02:14):
Thank you, thanks so much for having me of course.
Michelle (02:19):
Katie, let's talk about Ben to get started.
Tell us about the man he was,what he liked to do and what was
important to him.
Katie (02:29):
Ben was a super special one, very entrepreneurial.
He always, every day, he'd belike, oh, we could make a
business out of that.
He just loved business.
He had his own company ShapingSurforts and he started at a
young age.
Shaping boards were himself andhe taught himself through
YouTube and then, from that,started shaping for his friends
(02:51):
and it grew and grew and then itbecame an actual custom
surfboard brand.
Ben was an adventurer.
He loved the outdoors.
He liked surfing, obviously,but loved backpacking.
And, most of all, ben lovedJesus.
So that was his faith was themost important and he had a way
of meeting people where theywere at and loving people where
(03:14):
they were at, and I reallyalways admired that about him.
We started dating in college.
I got married after college andwe were living in Santa Cruz,
california.
It was just a really specialtime.
We were best friends and it waskind of us against the world.
(03:34):
We moved up to Santa Cruzknowing no one and we kind of
started our marriage ascompletely like building
community, not having jobs,finding jobs, and it just really
cemented us together as thislittle family unit that we had.
And, yeah, ben loved well andhe always made sure I knew that
(03:59):
and made sure everyone else knewhow much he loved me.
I'm really grateful for that.
Michelle (04:04):
So nice.
Thank you for giving us thatlittle glimpse into what he was
like.
It sounds like he was awonderful husband to you and a
man of faith, and then he madeyou very happy.
Super special sounds aboutright.
Thank you, katie.
Well, I know how much the twoof you love being together, so
if you will tell us about thosevery memorable weeks that led up
(04:28):
to May 9th 2020.
And then what happened on thatday?
Katie (04:33):
Yeah, the weeks leading up to Ben's passing on May 9th.
I look back and obviously wehad no idea, but I am so
grateful for those last fewmonths that we had together.
Started out as we ended up, wehad a trip already planned and
we went to go to Hawaii and wewere there for 16 days and Ben,
on his bucket list, had alwayswanted to surf the North Shore
(04:55):
and so we crossed that off hisbucket list.
We got to enjoy Hawaii with thetwo of us and then, with some
friends, joined us, have withyou our trip.
And then we came back and weended up road tripping up and
down the California coast andOregon coast and had seen both
of our families within the lasttwo weeks.
And that last week of Ben'slife we were coming back down to
(05:17):
Santa Cruz and Ben declared ita mandatory holiday for his work
and decided not to work becauseof 80 degrees in Santa Cruz,
and that rarely happened.
He wanted to take me on anadventure every single day, so
we went paddle boarding, we wenton long walks, we went surfing
on hikes and actually the daybefore he passed we like decided
(05:39):
this is our favorite hike andwe found our new favorite hike
and we were able to just enjoythe last few moments we had
together, those last week.
We really enjoyed the time wespent and having no idea, and
I'm really grateful for thoselast last, the last good and
happy memories with Ben.
(05:59):
So then main night it was just anormal day.
Ben had already planned to gosurfing with a couple of his
friends who he hadn't seen in awhile and he was really excited
to go surfing.
It was literally just like anynormal day.
He left I wasn't reallychecking the time because he
hadn't seen his friends in awhile and I figured, yeah, he'll
(06:20):
probably go out to lunch withthem after, and I remember after
a couple hours of Ben beinggone out surfing, I felt this
guttural loneliness inside of me.
I remember being like, yeah,ben will be back soon and he'll
give me a hug and everythingwill be fine.
(06:41):
And I didn't know.
I never felt this loneliness,this deep loneliness, but it was
so strong that I ended up goingto Target to distract myself
and it was during the COVID time.
So after I had done all myshopping, I was standing at the
checkout line and I mindlesslyopened my phone because there
(07:05):
was a long line and the firsthost that came up on Instagram
was Fatal Shark Attack, 26 yearsold, Sand Dollar beach, the
beach that Ben was at.
I knew that's the beach thatBen was at and I knew that Ben's
friends were all older than himand I knew immediately.
But I just said, no, ben musthave just waited for something
(07:28):
horrible.
We're going to have to dotrauma counseling with him and
he'll be okay.
But I didn't want to believe itwas true.
I immediately started callingBen's phone and Ben's friends
phones and no one was answering.
And I got a call from anunknown number and I immediately
knew I ran out of Target,dropped all my stuff and in an
(07:54):
instant my life was changedforever.
Ben had been attacked by ashark and the shark severed the
worst possible artery in his legand within minutes of him
getting to the beach he ended uppassing away.
By God's grace, there was firstresponders right there on duty
(08:17):
that were right there andlifeguard that was driving by
and everything was done topossibly save him.
I'm so grateful that I don'thave to wonder.
Michelle (08:30):
Katie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband,
ben, and I hate it that you hadto go through such a devastating
experience like that.
Thank you so much for havingthe courage to share it all with
us.
I know how hard that is andsometimes sharing the details
can feel like revealingsomething that's sacred.
I get it so.
(08:50):
Again, thank you.
So when you and I talked before, we talked about how traumatic
sudden loss can be.
Can you just share a little bitabout the ways losing Ben
suddenly changed you?
Katie (09:05):
sudden loss changed everything about me.
I think I was very naive topain in the world, and I no
longer am.
I've become a lot moreempathetic and compassionate to
others.
I have far less capacity foreverything the tangibles of
(09:28):
terrible memory now, or atkeeping time and things, but it
really did change all of me.
But there are some things thatI actually really appreciate,
which is the compassion side ofthings and the realization of
people going through very hardthings that I was relatively
(09:51):
naive to before loss.
Michelle (09:54):
Yeah, that seems to be very common, that we gain a
deeper understanding of otherpeople's pain and we realize
empathy for others on a wholenew level.
That's a good thing, of course,but it's a hard way to learn,
it for sure.
So how did you cope in thoseearly days?
What did your initial grieflook like?
Katie (10:15):
Everything went blurry really.
After that minute I became veryapprehensive of everybody.
I had reporters calling mewithin a half hour, then passing
away.
So I was just scared ofeverybody, kind of I kept in my
bubble.
I also just felt like nobodycould understand.
(10:36):
I really wanted to not bearound.
I just felt like this is toopainful, it was agonizing.
It is agonizing still.
I have those days still.
It's an agonizing journey thatnobody can explain until you're
(10:58):
on it.
I think I was in shock for thefirst three, four months and
then shock started wearing offand then it got harder and
harder and harder.
The 9th of every month wasextremely hard for me because
Ben died on May 9th and it wasweird because every night they
(11:19):
didn't even notice it was thenight, but my body knew and the
grief was completelyoverwhelming and all-consuming.
Even Ben's friend who was withhim, who was the person in the
water with him.
He would wake up every nightmorning with literally sore
muscles like he had just paddledfor a life.
(11:41):
He wouldn't understand.
He felt like he worked out likeinsane, like why am I so sore?
And then he realized it was thenight and his body was
remembering him paddling so hardto get Ben to work.
Michelle (11:57):
Wow, that is so interesting about Ben's friend
and how his grief affected himphysically and you on the 9th as
well.
I understand that and I wentthrough it myself in those early
days.
Katie, can you remember andtell us about one of the most
emotionally challenging thingsthat you had to get through back
then and how did you respond toit?
Katie (12:20):
Moving out of my apartment.
I kept it for a few months andthen I got the.
One of some of the best adviceI got at the very beginning was
from another widow that had losther husband and I was asking
what do I do with my husband'sthings?
Like I can't even bear to getrid of Ben, or I can't bear to
(12:42):
get rid of my apartment, but I'mjust blowing money because at
this point I can't even staythere because it's too painful.
Began she had said there'sgoing to come a time where the
things that are comforting rightnow won't be comforting anymore
.
They'll be more painful for you.
And that's when you know listento that, but don't do it too
(13:06):
soon.
Just listen to your body.
And that became a marker for mefor my apartment.
It was great for the first fourmonths to go there and I felt
like I was with Ben, kind of.
It was this place that it wasjust me and Ben.
It was this space of healingand comfort.
(13:26):
And then all of a sudden theywalk in at random day, not
realizing that everything wouldfeel different that day, and I
opened the door and it felt likesomebody had just stabbed me in
the stomach and all of a suddenI looked around and I said all
of this is just a shell of myold life, a shell of the
(13:47):
memories that won't ever be andthat's so painful and more
heart-wrenching than it wascomforting at that point.
And that's when I listened tothat feeling and it said okay,
I'm ready to let this go, thisapartment, although it was the
most, probably the hardest thingI've ever had to do in my life,
(14:09):
going through Ben's office andthe half written notes that he
had left right before surfingand he was going to come back
and finish working on that andit has said, and lost it.
There's no explaining the gutwrenching tragedy of it and I
(14:34):
like that short.
Michelle (14:36):
You know, those of us who have experienced sudden loss
know that it's really reallyhard to process.
In fact, I think you told mebefore that some experts say
that you should actually add afew more years to the grieving
process when the loss is suddenand traumatic.
But since you weren't with Benwhen he passed, did you ever
struggle with questions abouthis final moments and if so, how
(15:00):
did you come to terms with allof that?
Katie (15:03):
The week Ben died I felt like I had to go to the beach.
I had to go to that placebecause it had this terrible
cloud over it and I knew if Ididn't go then I would be scared
, get more scared of it as timewent on.
So I went to the beach a fewdays after Ben passed away.
(15:25):
I also felt that was his place,the last place he took his
steps.
Last place he was Ben.
I was sitting on the beach andit just so happened to be some
random guy in his family walkingalong the beach and he came up
to me and he said hey, are you,Katie Kelly?
(15:49):
And I said yeah, I had afeeling it was you, which is
crazy.
This beach is huge.
And he happened to be there forwhatever reason.
And he said I was the lastperson to hold Ben.
Michelle (16:05):
And I just want you to know he had so much peace.
Katie (16:09):
He asked to give me a hug and he told me as much
information as I wanted to knowand he assured me they did
everything.
He was an off duty firstresponder that happened to be on
the beach that day.
It was a moment that I neededand it's such a provision,
honestly.
Michelle (16:31):
And.
Katie (16:31):
I'm still in contact with him today.
Michelle (16:34):
Wow, what a blessing and, honestly, what a gift that
you were able to meet and talkwith him and get that clarity
and the peace you needed aboutBen's last moments here on earth
.
How wonderful for you.
So when we talked before, youtold me how it seemed like all
the resources and informationyou found about being widowed
(16:55):
seemed to involve widows withchildren, and you were in your
20s when Ben passed and you twodidn't have any kids.
So tell us about yourperspective on being childless
and how that seemed to almostisolate you in this community.
Katie (17:12):
Yeah, when Ben passed away, I was 27 years old.
It was, for one, very isolating,being that very few people go
through this in their 20s.
But when I was reaching outtrying to find anyone that could
understand and still to thisday I very rarely find anyone
(17:32):
who hasn't had kids and that wasextremely hard for me because
everybody that had kids wouldsay they're the only reason why
I'm still alive today, they'rethe only reason why I get up in
the morning and I haveresponsibility.
And I looked at that and I saidwell, what's my reason?
(17:57):
There's literally no reason forme to be here anymore, and that
was so crucial for me to findsomebody that knew loss and new
widowhood without kids, becauseit's a whole other grieving
process.
There's two sides to it, bothchallenges.
I'm grateful that I didn't havekids in those moments because I
(18:19):
could lay in bed and I couldgrieve when I wanted to grieve
and grieve how I felt like Ineeded to.
In the days following, however,it looked like for me, but it
also left me without a piece ofBen and without this reason to
keep going and so being verychallenging.
Michelle (18:43):
Well, I very much appreciate you sharing all of
that because I believe there'sprobably somebody listening who
knows exactly how you feel inthat category and that's helpful
and we'll get more into thatand how you're persevering in
the process.
But back to Ben, okay, I knowwhen you described your
relationship it was likefairytale almost.
You guys were so good togetherand you were just starting your
(19:06):
life.
So what do you miss most aboutbeing married to Ben and then
think about what steps you'retaking to heal and move forward.
Katie (19:19):
Being married to Ben was really fun because we were
friends before we dated, beforewe got married, and so I miss
the mundane, honestly.
I miss those inside jokes andthe random quips of going back
and forth, and just the day tothe day of sharing life.
I miss having a companion to godo activities with.
(19:43):
Ben and I both love theoutdoors and going backpacking
was one of our favorite thingsto do together.
So I really just miss the dayto day, honestly, and his
perspective on life.
And we were very different andour marriage was definitely not
perfect, but we were verydifferent people but we were
(20:04):
learning to make it work andchoose to love one another
through all of it.
Michelle (20:10):
Well, I've talked to other widows, male and female,
that are older and been throughthat.
Maybe the kids have grown upand people miss different things
and different stages of theirlife.
But I think the important piecethat I would love to hear you
talk a little bit about is howdo you combat that when that
comes at you, when you realize Iwant to go hiking but Ben's not
(20:32):
here, or I just want to go geta cup of coffee.
How do you combat thosefeelings of loneliness or
whatever however you define them?
Katie (20:43):
That's a good question.
I think every situation andevery time that those feelings
come up which are very regular,honestly, I think it happens
differently, but I'm verygrateful for the friends and my
family that have come alongsideme.
I think it's very important.
(21:05):
It has been very important forme not to isolate myself, to be
in community and reach out andsay I'm struggling.
This is hard and more oftenthan not, those people do show
up.
Every time, honestly, they haveshown up and I'm really
grateful for the friends thatI've had in that space.
(21:26):
But it still doesn't take awaythe loss.
It doesn't, you know, and itstill doesn't take away the
loneliness.
But I would say journaling hasreally helped me Journaling and
processing.
I also have a journal withBen's name on it.
Somebody gave me a journal withhis initials on it and I chose
(21:48):
to just start journaling to himand so whenever I wish I could
talk to him, I journal itbecause it's like actually able
to get it out and, instead ofjust fencing in my head, I've
been able to actually write itdown and do something with the
pain that I'm feeling and saying, man, I wish you could be doing
(22:10):
this with me right now, or Iwish that I could be telling you
this or telling you about myday or remember when we did this
kind of thing and although itmay sound crazy and he probably
doesn't see those, I don't know,but it really has helped me
process and just get thosefeelings out.
Michelle (22:33):
So I think that's really good.
I like that, and I like thatit's his name on there too.
Yeah, yeah.
Katie (22:40):
And being outside in nature has really helped me as
well.
It's like the world is biggerthan me and, yeah, there's so
many things like serving otherpeople have been a big one to
shift my perspective of everythere's so many people that have
problems just like me.
Michelle (23:01):
So when you were kind of describing Ben, before one of
the attributes, you said heloved Jesus, which I just
thought was so cool.
So I know that you two wereboth involved in your faith
community.
So how are your emotions, yourgrief emotions received in that
community and responded to bypeople of faith?
Katie (23:21):
I had a surprising amount of people that were very
understanding.
My friends have not tried topush me out of grief or my
family has really tried tounderstand and come alongside
and support me.
But the faith community as awhole can sometimes struggle
(23:43):
with holding this tension ofboth deep pain and hope and it's
sitting in the uncomfortablefaith and suffering and can also
make people reallyuncomfortable.
So I think I've seen that justnaturally in the faith community
(24:04):
it is sometimes really hard togo to a church with really
praise music and sit there andbe like I feel so different than
people right now.
But at some point I think it'sso important to be still
involved in a faith communitybecause that is, they can hope
(24:27):
for you, they can pray for youwhen you don't have the capacity
to pray and have the capacityto believe.
Even I said so many times in myjourney God, I believe, I hope,
my unbelief, because it is hardand I really have had to work
(24:48):
through the questions of myfaith and relearn to trust God.
I think it's been easier for mebecause naturally I'm an
extrovert and so I have thebenefit maybe of being able to
reach out and to share about myfeelings and what's going on.
But when you're not super openabout struggling or talking
(25:13):
about it, it can be really hardfor a church to come alongside
and they don't know what to door you get kind of lost in the
cracks because they don't reachout necessarily all the time
themselves.
Michelle (25:25):
I think you make a really good point about the
church being there to hope foryou and pray for you when you
don't have the capacity to do itfor yourself.
I also found that to be supercomforting, and I think it's
great that you address thestruggle between pain and hope,
because that can also be hard.
It seems like people just wantyou to get better, which I
understand, but when someonejust comes alongside you and
(25:48):
decides to just be present withyou and you're suffering, that's
really a way of showing God'slove that is just unmatched, I
think so.
Since we're on the topic offaith communities, you told me
when you recognized a need, youwere prompted to take action and
you actually started afoundation called Through it All
, and it's a peer-to-peersupport program, right?
(26:10):
Tell us more about that.
Katie (26:11):
Yeah, Through it All Foundation is a nonprofit
dedicated to equipping churchesand individuals to walk
alongside people in loss.
I saw a lot of my friends who Ihad grown to know through
losing Ben, who were alsowidowed.
They were widowed a few like amonth after Ben passed away and
(26:39):
I watched them walk through thejourney to you and the friends
that they saw were friends,didn't show up for them and I
was heartbroken because theamount of pain and agony that I
had experienced and I had beenfortunate to have friends that
came alongside me and just tonot have people around you to
(27:04):
walk the journey with you.
I don't know how anybody wouldget through it and I was
thinking about it, praying aboutit and asking God like, how do
you provide community, how doyou provide support?
And I really felt like God kindof inspired the like.
That is why I created thechurch and that is why the
(27:27):
church exists to come alongsidethrough, like, the ups and the
downs of life and the pains andthe joys.
So how can we help the church?
So one of my friends who hadjust lost her husband she had
buried her husband and then twodays later gave birth to their
fourth child and she was justdrowning in work and overwhelm
(27:54):
and taking care of a newbornbaby also her other kids and I
saw that she needed babysittingbut the church that she was
going to wasn't providing it.
And I ended up.
I had reached out to theirchurch and said, hey, you guys
probably have resources.
Are you providing this for her?
And they'd said, oh, we wouldlove to.
(28:15):
She just haven't asked.
And I saw right there that is.
The problem sometimes is it'syour grieving of a lost, of a
loved one.
You already feel like a burden,so you're not going to reach
out for help and a lot of timesyou don't even know what you
need because you're completelyin the wrong place.
(28:35):
And so you need somebody to comeand say, hey, I'm doing this,
I'm going to do this for you,instead of other people waiting
for you to say you know thewhole, let me know what you need
.
You're never going to, you'renever going to reach out.
And so that's where I saw thispeer to peer support program to
(28:57):
be a need in a church, as wellas for someone to come alongside
and advocate for that person,say, hey, I see that you could
use, like yard work help orsomebody to help you organize
your house or babysitting, orsomebody to help you come
alongside and decorate forChristmas, because your kids
(29:19):
still want to celebrateChristmas, but you can't even
bear a lot to decorate this year.
And the church can then comealongside and support and be at
the friend and family that theywant to be and they want to
support and they want to love.
Sometimes they just don't knowhow does it operate in real time
(29:41):
?
So I brought up earlier that Iwas able to talk to a widow who
had no kids and it really helpedme.
That really was the turningpoint for my grief.
I at the time felt completelyalone, completely isolated, like
nobody could understand andpeople would say you're going to
get through this, but I'm likein my head I'm like you don't
(30:04):
know, you've never been throughthis pain and this is painful.
So I was talking to a friend.
She ended up connecting me withthis other woman who was 50 at
the time but she lost her firsthusband at 28 and had no kids
and then suddenly lost like myown.
We talked for hours and hoursand hours.
I came over to her house oneday and I was able to ask her
(30:28):
those hard questions that no oneelse could understand, no one
else had the answers to, and shegave me ideas of what she did.
I for the first time saw hopethat there is life outside of
grief, there is life outside ofthis utter agony and deep pain
that I was experiencing in themoment.
(30:50):
I think that's so important tohave somebody to be able to look
at and say, oh, this person hasdone it before.
It's impossible.
And that is kind of where,through it all, connection the
program called connection.
So it's a peer to peer supportprogram of one person who is
(31:12):
like three, four months pasttheir loss and then pairing
someone.
That's around four to 10 yearsoutside of the initial loss that
they experienced, and when youpair them together, they're able
to walk alongside each other,just be a companion and be a
support and say, like you're notcrazy, I felt that too.
(31:32):
These are ideas of what I'vedone.
Or let me pray for you, let mejust be a friend, and I think
that in that they advocate forthem to their church, but they
also are just a companion thatwalked alongside and says you
aren't alone.
And we're going to get throughthis together.
Michelle (31:52):
I love that program.
That's such a great idea and,in your right, that's a huge
need.
I remember talking to somebodyright after Sean passed away too
, and I was just in that hard,hard early time where it looks
really dark, like you described,and it was a family member said
oh, you should talk to ourfriends.
Their son also died when he was18.
(32:15):
And I remember they connectedus and we talked on the phone
and I said how long has it beenfor you?
And they said eight years, andI remember that day going eight
years.
I can't do this for eight years, yeah.
But at the same time it washopeful though, because that
connection showed me that Icould do it for eight years, and
(32:36):
now you know I can be thatperson for somebody else.
So I just love that you've setit up for people to have that
connection.
It's so important.
Katie (32:45):
Thank you, yeah, and this is what the podcast is doing
too.
Michelle (32:48):
Yeah, thank you.
That's the goal.
So, katie, when we talk aboutchurch and church community,
that's one thing, but what roledid your personal faith in God
play in your grieving process?
Katie (33:01):
Faith played a huge role for me.
I can honestly say I wouldn'tbe here today if it wasn't for
my faith.
Faith gave me hope that thislife isn't all there is, and
that was crucial for me to knowthat this pain that I was in
currently and still am in is notall I have to hope in.
(33:23):
And this isn't.
This isn't all it is, and Ithink that changed my whole
perspective.
And being a widow without kidsthat didn't have some sort of
current purpose Kids to get upfor, I knew that I was here for
a purpose because I was here andGod was still God, and if I
(33:49):
wasn't supposed to be here, godwould have taken me out by now.
And I think that's the onlyreason why I'm alive today
honestly, because why survivesuch pain if that's all I have
to open?
Michelle (34:02):
Yeah, it's interesting how you can develop sort of an
eternal perspective after losinga loved one and how purpose
almost reveals itself to you asyou continue to walk in faith.
So good.
So, katie, you've really sharedso much good information
throughout this story and I justwant to summarize it all here
because I think it bearsrepeating.
(34:24):
You said that, as hard as losscan be, it can teach us to be
compassionate and have greaterempathy for others.
You shared about how grief canreside in our bodies and how we
can recognize and expect thesereactions at different times in
our lives.
You talked about how otherpeople who've been through
similar losses have much wisdomto share and that it's helpful
(34:47):
to connect with other people toknow that we can make it through
the tough times.
You advised against isolatingand encouraged seeking out
friends and family for supportwhen you feel overwhelmed by
your grief.
You told us you journaled whenyou miss Ben and that it was
helpful to get your thoughts andfeelings out on paper instead
(35:08):
of letting them fester insideyou.
You recognize the benefits ofgetting outside, being in a
faith community and servingother people as a means of
taking your mind off yourcircumstances and seeing the
beauty in others and the worldaround us.
Katie, what other lessons haveyou learned from your experience
(35:29):
that you can share with someonelistening who needs hope right
now?
Katie (35:34):
I have learned a lot of life lessons.
I would say a lot of them haveto do with grief, because I knew
nothing about grief before Benpassed away and it's been a huge
learning curve for me.
But I've seen that Feelings arejust feelings, are never final,
(35:55):
and that's been a huge one forme.
I felt like the feelings that Ifeel today may be different
tomorrow and it's just one dayat a time and one day at a time.
Sometimes it's just 30 minutesat a time and you just gotta get
through that 30 minutes andthen it goes okay, let's get
through the next 30 minutes.
(36:16):
That first year, that's what itwas like, and the best analogy
that I have heard Gravedescribed as is through waves.
At the beginning the waves are100 feet tall, crashing into you
and you feel like you'redrowning.
You are drowning, you aregrabbing onto anything Maybe
it's a memory or a photo oranything just to hold on to
(36:41):
whatever you have left andyou're just fully surviving.
And then later, as time goes on, eventually those waves maybe
become 80 feet tall or 50 feettall, come a little further
apart, but there's always gonnabe waves.
There's always gonna be hugewaves of grief and eventually
you learn to kind of expect them.
(37:02):
Maybe it's the snald coffee orthe holidays coming up, a
birthday coming up, but I thinkBen being a surfer, when he was
teaching me how to surf, hewould always say when a big wave
comes, hold your breath and letthe wave wash you this way, and
(37:24):
that Don't fight the wave anddon't try to go to the surface,
because that's gonna leave youexhausted and you'll eventually
you actually will drown becausethe wave will always spit you
out.
The other side and I have seenthat as so practical for griefs
(37:45):
as well is the waves will alwayskeep coming, but there will
always be a break in the waveand, yes, maybe, and that's
where, like living one day at atime or 30 minutes at a time,
like okay, we just gotta get tothe next day, and maybe the next
day is really hard, just gottaget to the next day and
(38:06):
eventually, actually, that wavewill lighten up and you have
life in between those waves.
You know, along with that, Ihave this analogy that I felt
like really was inspired by God,honestly of sea glass and being
that waves, air like grief, seaglass is like us.
(38:30):
Before Ben passed away, I wasglass bottle.
I had an identity.
Like glass jar, holy oil orwhatnot, like I had an identity,
I had a basic idea of where mylife was going.
I had gold, I had dreams, butthey all revolved around Ben.
They all included Ben in them,and a minute that he passed away
(38:53):
, my life was immediatelyshattered into a mine pieces and
it felt like it would never beput back together again.
And honestly it won't ever bethe same, you know.
But that glass bottle, let'ssay, gets washed around in the
waves, tossed and turned andgets thrown in the storms and in
the saltwater and all theelements of the ocean.
(39:16):
Eventually that glass bottlegets little pieces of glass, get
smoothed and polished and endup on shore.
And I'm not saying I've endedup on shore, that's for sure yet
.
But it goes to show that apiece of sea glass still has a
(39:38):
purpose.
It's different but it still haspurpose.
And that's just like all of ourlives.
We go through loss, we gothrough any sort of grief and
our identity has completelyshifted.
And yet it doesn't make ourpurpose better than it was
(39:59):
before, but it's just differentand our purpose can still be
beautiful.
And that's like piece of seaglass.
And I think that God reallyshowed me that he hasn't
abandoned any of us, he hasn'tforgotten us and he still has
purpose for our lives.
Our identity may look a lotdifferent, but he is faithful to
(40:19):
carry it through and carry usin it in the midst of brokenness
.
I also kind of feel like withinthat sea glass analogy, within
that wave analogy, we can'tchoose the part we play in our
situation, in our circumstancesin this life.
We can't choose it, but we canchoose how we let it transform
(40:41):
us.
And so I've seen that, as Ican't choose my circumstances,
but what I can control is how Iallow it to transform me, and I
think that's the defiant can bethe defining moment in our lives
.
Michelle (40:56):
Yeah, well, those are wonderful analogies all of them,
and I love the fact that theyall had to do with the ocean and
the beach, because of Ben,because it's just like meant to
come from him.
And yeah, with the sea glass,you're right, I mean it does.
Grief molds us and shapes usthrough the storm.
You're right, we can't chooseit, but it can still be
beautiful.
I love the way you sum that up.
(41:18):
When I think about someonelosing a spouse, what kind of
things, from a practicalstandpoint, could you offer up?
Is there anything practicalthat pops into your head that
you think about?
How to help someone diverttheir time or energy, or what if
(41:38):
they're afraid?
Katie (41:39):
Yeah, I found that serving is very helpful to me,
getting my mind off of myself,off of my own problems, and
seeing that the world is so muchbigger than me and that other
people are struggling just likeme.
I've also found that, as hardas it is to find gratitude in
(42:05):
things, what can I be gratefulfor?
In naming those things,sometimes it's very small, like
a cup of coffee or making my bed.
I think at the early days Ifound that it was helpful just
to do one thing productive inthe day and then I could call it
(42:26):
a productive day, and a lot oftimes that was just making my
bed and that was good enough.
It also helped me not get backin it immediately after I got
out of it.
But I think finding that onething to just be able to succeed
, making small goals to helpyourself succeed in a day of I
(42:47):
did this one thing and I wasproductive in that.
Michelle (42:50):
Yeah, those are great practical tips Serving, finding
gratitude and doing just oneproductive thing, just small
steps that we can take to moveforward in life, that take the
focus off what we can't controlanyway and just do good.
Thank you, I love it.
Well, katie, at this point Ijust wanna thank you so much for
(43:10):
agreeing to come on the podcastand share yours and Ben's story
.
It's been so nice talking toyou and getting to know you.
Katie (43:18):
Thank you so much.
Thanks for having me.
Michelle (43:22):
So, for those of you listening, if you've experienced
a sudden traumatic loss, youknow how it can turn your world
upside down.
You might feel confused, angryand depressed right now, and
that's okay.
That's how it feels in thebeginning.
But, like Katie said, feelingsare never final.
(43:43):
The way you feel today may notbe the way you feel tomorrow and
, like the bottle she talkedabout, that's tossed around by
the waves.
Eventually it emerges as apolished and beautiful piece of
sea glass.
It has a new purpose now, notnecessarily better, just
different.
You can merge from the waves,my friend, and you'll be
(44:07):
stronger from having survivedthe storm.
So don't lose hope today.
Keep the faith and one dayyou'll be able to help someone
else with the lessons youlearned in your loss.
Thanks for listening.
Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss to inspire you and give you
hope.
I'm Michelle Heaton.
Losing a loved one suddenly canbe such a traumatic experience.
In an instant, our lives arechanged forever and we find
(00:33):
ourselves forced to navigate anew reality without our loved
ones in it.
And sudden loss the type ofloss I experience when my son,
Sean passed away feels like asucker punch.
When you get that phone call orhear those sirens or walk into
a bedroom, the wind gets knockedout of you and you realize that
(00:54):
nothing in your life will everbe the same.
Well, my guest today knowsexactly what sudden loss feels
like.
She was going about her dailyroutine when she learned there
was a fatal shark attack at thevery time and place her husband
and his friends were planning tosurf that day.
She read about the incident onher social media feed and then
(01:18):
came the call that confirmed herworst fear.
That afternoon in 2020 changedher for sure.
She was, of course, devastatedand shocked, and she had to face
a new world without her husbandand best friend.
But she also realized somethings about loss that she
wanted to change.
She saw opportunities in hergrief that she decided she
(01:42):
wanted to do something about.
She's not only an incrediblystrong and resilient woman, but
today she's also the founder ofThrough it All, a newly
established non-profitfoundation dedicated to helping
those in grief and equippingchurches and individuals with
the tools to compassionatelywalk alongside people after the
(02:05):
loss of a loved one.
Her name is Katie Kelly, andit's my honor to have her as my
guest on the show today.
Welcome to Qualified Katie.
Katie (02:14):
Thank you, thanks so much for having me of course.
Michelle (02:19):
Katie, let's talk about Ben to get started.
Tell us about the man he was,what he liked to do and what was
important to him.
Katie (02:29):
Ben was a super special one, very entrepreneurial.
He always, every day, he'd belike, oh, we could make a
business out of that.
He just loved business.
He had his own company ShapingSurforts and he started at a
young age.
Shaping boards were himself andhe taught himself through
YouTube and then, from that,started shaping for his friends
(02:51):
and it grew and grew and then itbecame an actual custom
surfboard brand.
Ben was an adventurer.
He loved the outdoors.
He liked surfing, obviously,but loved backpacking.
And, most of all, ben lovedJesus.
So that was his faith was themost important and he had a way
of meeting people where theywere at and loving people where
(03:14):
they were at, and I reallyalways admired that about him.
We started dating in college.
I got married after college andwe were living in Santa Cruz,
california.
It was just a really specialtime.
We were best friends and it waskind of us against the world.
(03:34):
We moved up to Santa Cruzknowing no one and we kind of
started our marriage ascompletely like building
community, not having jobs,finding jobs, and it just really
cemented us together as thislittle family unit that we had.
And, yeah, ben loved well andhe always made sure I knew that
(03:59):
and made sure everyone else knewhow much he loved me.
I'm really grateful for that.
Michelle (04:04):
So nice.
Thank you for giving us thatlittle glimpse into what he was
like.
It sounds like he was awonderful husband to you and a
man of faith, and then he madeyou very happy.
Super special sounds aboutright.
Thank you, katie.
Well, I know how much the twoof you love being together, so
if you will tell us about thosevery memorable weeks that led up
(04:28):
to May 9th 2020.
And then what happened on thatday?
Katie (04:33):
Yeah, the weeks leading up to Ben's passing on May 9th.
I look back and obviously wehad no idea, but I am so
grateful for those last fewmonths that we had together.
Started out as we ended up, wehad a trip already planned and
we went to go to Hawaii and wewere there for 16 days and Ben,
on his bucket list, had alwayswanted to surf the North Shore
(04:55):
and so we crossed that off hisbucket list.
We got to enjoy Hawaii with thetwo of us and then, with some
friends, joined us, have withyou our trip.
And then we came back and weended up road tripping up and
down the California coast andOregon coast and had seen both
of our families within the lasttwo weeks.
And that last week of Ben'slife we were coming back down to
(05:17):
Santa Cruz and Ben declared ita mandatory holiday for his work
and decided not to work becauseof 80 degrees in Santa Cruz,
and that rarely happened.
He wanted to take me on anadventure every single day, so
we went paddle boarding, we wenton long walks, we went surfing
on hikes and actually the daybefore he passed we like decided
(05:39):
this is our favorite hike andwe found our new favorite hike
and we were able to just enjoythe last few moments we had
together, those last week.
We really enjoyed the time wespent and having no idea, and
I'm really grateful for thoselast last, the last good and
happy memories with Ben.
(05:59):
So then main night it was just anormal day.
Ben had already planned to gosurfing with a couple of his
friends who he hadn't seen in awhile and he was really excited
to go surfing.
It was literally just like anynormal day.
He left I wasn't reallychecking the time because he
hadn't seen his friends in awhile and I figured, yeah, he'll
(06:20):
probably go out to lunch withthem after, and I remember after
a couple hours of Ben beinggone out surfing, I felt this
guttural loneliness inside of me.
I remember being like, yeah,ben will be back soon and he'll
give me a hug and everythingwill be fine.
(06:41):
And I didn't know.
I never felt this loneliness,this deep loneliness, but it was
so strong that I ended up goingto Target to distract myself
and it was during the COVID time.
So after I had done all myshopping, I was standing at the
checkout line and I mindlesslyopened my phone because there
(07:05):
was a long line and the firsthost that came up on Instagram
was Fatal Shark Attack, 26 yearsold, Sand Dollar beach, the
beach that Ben was at.
I knew that's the beach thatBen was at and I knew that Ben's
friends were all older than himand I knew immediately.
But I just said, no, ben musthave just waited for something
(07:28):
horrible.
We're going to have to dotrauma counseling with him and
he'll be okay.
But I didn't want to believe itwas true.
I immediately started callingBen's phone and Ben's friends
phones and no one was answering.
And I got a call from anunknown number and I immediately
knew I ran out of Target,dropped all my stuff and in an
(07:54):
instant my life was changedforever.
Ben had been attacked by ashark and the shark severed the
worst possible artery in his legand within minutes of him
getting to the beach he ended uppassing away.
By God's grace, there was firstresponders right there on duty
(08:17):
that were right there andlifeguard that was driving by
and everything was done topossibly save him.
I'm so grateful that I don'thave to wonder.
Michelle (08:30):
Katie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband,
ben, and I hate it that you hadto go through such a devastating
experience like that.
Thank you so much for havingthe courage to share it all with
us.
I know how hard that is andsometimes sharing the details
can feel like revealingsomething that's sacred.
I get it so.
(08:50):
Again, thank you.
So when you and I talked before, we talked about how traumatic
sudden loss can be.
Can you just share a little bitabout the ways losing Ben
suddenly changed you?
Katie (09:05):
sudden loss changed everything about me.
I think I was very naive topain in the world, and I no
longer am.
I've become a lot moreempathetic and compassionate to
others.
I have far less capacity foreverything the tangibles of
(09:28):
terrible memory now, or atkeeping time and things, but it
really did change all of me.
But there are some things thatI actually really appreciate,
which is the compassion side ofthings and the realization of
people going through very hardthings that I was relatively
(09:51):
naive to before loss.
Michelle (09:54):
Yeah, that seems to be very common, that we gain a
deeper understanding of otherpeople's pain and we realize
empathy for others on a wholenew level.
That's a good thing, of course,but it's a hard way to learn,
it for sure.
So how did you cope in thoseearly days?
What did your initial grieflook like?
Katie (10:15):
Everything went blurry really.
After that minute I became veryapprehensive of everybody.
I had reporters calling mewithin a half hour, then passing
away.
So I was just scared ofeverybody, kind of I kept in my
bubble.
I also just felt like nobodycould understand.
(10:36):
I really wanted to not bearound.
I just felt like this is toopainful, it was agonizing.
It is agonizing still.
I have those days still.
It's an agonizing journey thatnobody can explain until you're
(10:58):
on it.
I think I was in shock for thefirst three, four months and
then shock started wearing offand then it got harder and
harder and harder.
The 9th of every month wasextremely hard for me because
Ben died on May 9th and it wasweird because every night they
(11:19):
didn't even notice it was thenight, but my body knew and the
grief was completelyoverwhelming and all-consuming.
Even Ben's friend who was withhim, who was the person in the
water with him.
He would wake up every nightmorning with literally sore
muscles like he had just paddledfor a life.
(11:41):
He wouldn't understand.
He felt like he worked out likeinsane, like why am I so sore?
And then he realized it was thenight and his body was
remembering him paddling so hardto get Ben to work.
Michelle (11:57):
Wow, that is so interesting about Ben's friend
and how his grief affected himphysically and you on the 9th as
well.
I understand that and I wentthrough it myself in those early
days.
Katie, can you remember andtell us about one of the most
emotionally challenging thingsthat you had to get through back
then and how did you respond toit?
Katie (12:20):
Moving out of my apartment.
I kept it for a few months andthen I got the.
One of some of the best adviceI got at the very beginning was
from another widow that had losther husband and I was asking
what do I do with my husband'sthings?
Like I can't even bear to getrid of Ben, or I can't bear to
(12:42):
get rid of my apartment, but I'mjust blowing money because at
this point I can't even staythere because it's too painful.
Began she had said there'sgoing to come a time where the
things that are comforting rightnow won't be comforting anymore
.
They'll be more painful for you.
And that's when you know listento that, but don't do it too
(13:06):
soon.
Just listen to your body.
And that became a marker for mefor my apartment.
It was great for the first fourmonths to go there and I felt
like I was with Ben, kind of.
It was this place that it wasjust me and Ben.
It was this space of healingand comfort.
(13:26):
And then all of a sudden theywalk in at random day, not
realizing that everything wouldfeel different that day, and I
opened the door and it felt likesomebody had just stabbed me in
the stomach and all of a suddenI looked around and I said all
of this is just a shell of myold life, a shell of the
(13:47):
memories that won't ever be andthat's so painful and more
heart-wrenching than it wascomforting at that point.
And that's when I listened tothat feeling and it said okay,
I'm ready to let this go, thisapartment, although it was the
most, probably the hardest thingI've ever had to do in my life,
(14:09):
going through Ben's office andthe half written notes that he
had left right before surfingand he was going to come back
and finish working on that andit has said, and lost it.
There's no explaining the gutwrenching tragedy of it and I
(14:34):
like that short.
Michelle (14:36):
You know, those of us who have experienced sudden loss
know that it's really reallyhard to process.
In fact, I think you told mebefore that some experts say
that you should actually add afew more years to the grieving
process when the loss is suddenand traumatic.
But since you weren't with Benwhen he passed, did you ever
struggle with questions abouthis final moments and if so, how
(15:00):
did you come to terms with allof that?
Katie (15:03):
The week Ben died I felt like I had to go to the beach.
I had to go to that placebecause it had this terrible
cloud over it and I knew if Ididn't go then I would be scared
, get more scared of it as timewent on.
So I went to the beach a fewdays after Ben passed away.
(15:25):
I also felt that was his place,the last place he took his
steps.
Last place he was Ben.
I was sitting on the beach andit just so happened to be some
random guy in his family walkingalong the beach and he came up
to me and he said hey, are you,Katie Kelly?
(15:49):
And I said yeah, I had afeeling it was you, which is
crazy.
This beach is huge.
And he happened to be there forwhatever reason.
And he said I was the lastperson to hold Ben.
Michelle (16:05):
And I just want you to know he had so much peace.
Katie (16:09):
He asked to give me a hug and he told me as much
information as I wanted to knowand he assured me they did
everything.
He was an off duty firstresponder that happened to be on
the beach that day.
It was a moment that I neededand it's such a provision,
honestly.
Michelle (16:31):
And.
Katie (16:31):
I'm still in contact with him today.
Michelle (16:34):
Wow, what a blessing and, honestly, what a gift that
you were able to meet and talkwith him and get that clarity
and the peace you needed aboutBen's last moments here on earth
.
How wonderful for you.
So when we talked before, youtold me how it seemed like all
the resources and informationyou found about being widowed
(16:55):
seemed to involve widows withchildren, and you were in your
20s when Ben passed and you twodidn't have any kids.
So tell us about yourperspective on being childless
and how that seemed to almostisolate you in this community.
Katie (17:12):
Yeah, when Ben passed away, I was 27 years old.
It was, for one, very isolating,being that very few people go
through this in their 20s.
But when I was reaching outtrying to find anyone that could
understand and still to thisday I very rarely find anyone
(17:32):
who hasn't had kids and that wasextremely hard for me because
everybody that had kids wouldsay they're the only reason why
I'm still alive today, they'rethe only reason why I get up in
the morning and I haveresponsibility.
And I looked at that and I saidwell, what's my reason?
(17:57):
There's literally no reason forme to be here anymore, and that
was so crucial for me to findsomebody that knew loss and new
widowhood without kids, becauseit's a whole other grieving
process.
There's two sides to it, bothchallenges.
I'm grateful that I didn't havekids in those moments because I
(18:19):
could lay in bed and I couldgrieve when I wanted to grieve
and grieve how I felt like Ineeded to.
In the days following, however,it looked like for me, but it
also left me without a piece ofBen and without this reason to
keep going and so being verychallenging.
Michelle (18:43):
Well, I very much appreciate you sharing all of
that because I believe there'sprobably somebody listening who
knows exactly how you feel inthat category and that's helpful
and we'll get more into thatand how you're persevering in
the process.
But back to Ben, okay, I knowwhen you described your
relationship it was likefairytale almost.
You guys were so good togetherand you were just starting your
(19:06):
life.
So what do you miss most aboutbeing married to Ben and then
think about what steps you'retaking to heal and move forward.
Katie (19:19):
Being married to Ben was really fun because we were
friends before we dated, beforewe got married, and so I miss
the mundane, honestly.
I miss those inside jokes andthe random quips of going back
and forth, and just the day tothe day of sharing life.
I miss having a companion to godo activities with.
(19:43):
Ben and I both love theoutdoors and going backpacking
was one of our favorite thingsto do together.
So I really just miss the dayto day, honestly, and his
perspective on life.
And we were very different andour marriage was definitely not
perfect, but we were verydifferent people but we were
(20:04):
learning to make it work andchoose to love one another
through all of it.
Michelle (20:10):
Well, I've talked to other widows, male and female,
that are older and been throughthat.
Maybe the kids have grown upand people miss different things
and different stages of theirlife.
But I think the important piecethat I would love to hear you
talk a little bit about is howdo you combat that when that
comes at you, when you realize Iwant to go hiking but Ben's not
(20:32):
here, or I just want to go geta cup of coffee.
How do you combat thosefeelings of loneliness or
whatever however you define them?
Katie (20:43):
That's a good question.
I think every situation andevery time that those feelings
come up which are very regular,honestly, I think it happens
differently, but I'm verygrateful for the friends and my
family that have come alongsideme.
I think it's very important.
(21:05):
It has been very important forme not to isolate myself, to be
in community and reach out andsay I'm struggling.
This is hard and more oftenthan not, those people do show
up.
Every time, honestly, they haveshown up and I'm really
grateful for the friends thatI've had in that space.
(21:26):
But it still doesn't take awaythe loss.
It doesn't, you know, and itstill doesn't take away the
loneliness.
But I would say journaling hasreally helped me Journaling and
processing.
I also have a journal withBen's name on it.
Somebody gave me a journal withhis initials on it and I chose
(21:48):
to just start journaling to himand so whenever I wish I could
talk to him, I journal itbecause it's like actually able
to get it out and, instead ofjust fencing in my head, I've
been able to actually write itdown and do something with the
pain that I'm feeling and saying, man, I wish you could be doing
(22:10):
this with me right now, or Iwish that I could be telling you
this or telling you about myday or remember when we did this
kind of thing and although itmay sound crazy and he probably
doesn't see those, I don't know,but it really has helped me
process and just get thosefeelings out.
Michelle (22:33):
So I think that's really good.
I like that, and I like thatit's his name on there too.
Yeah, yeah.
Katie (22:40):
And being outside in nature has really helped me as
well.
It's like the world is biggerthan me and, yeah, there's so
many things like serving otherpeople have been a big one to
shift my perspective of everythere's so many people that have
problems just like me.
Michelle (23:01):
So when you were kind of describing Ben, before one of
the attributes, you said heloved Jesus, which I just
thought was so cool.
So I know that you two wereboth involved in your faith
community.
So how are your emotions, yourgrief emotions received in that
community and responded to bypeople of faith?
Katie (23:21):
I had a surprising amount of people that were very
understanding.
My friends have not tried topush me out of grief or my
family has really tried tounderstand and come alongside
and support me.
But the faith community as awhole can sometimes struggle
(23:43):
with holding this tension ofboth deep pain and hope and it's
sitting in the uncomfortablefaith and suffering and can also
make people reallyuncomfortable.
So I think I've seen that justnaturally in the faith community
(24:04):
it is sometimes really hard togo to a church with really
praise music and sit there andbe like I feel so different than
people right now.
But at some point I think it'sso important to be still
involved in a faith communitybecause that is, they can hope
(24:27):
for you, they can pray for youwhen you don't have the capacity
to pray and have the capacityto believe.
Even I said so many times in myjourney God, I believe, I hope,
my unbelief, because it is hardand I really have had to work
(24:48):
through the questions of myfaith and relearn to trust God.
I think it's been easier for mebecause naturally I'm an
extrovert and so I have thebenefit maybe of being able to
reach out and to share about myfeelings and what's going on.
But when you're not super openabout struggling or talking
(25:13):
about it, it can be really hardfor a church to come alongside
and they don't know what to door you get kind of lost in the
cracks because they don't reachout necessarily all the time
themselves.
Michelle (25:25):
I think you make a really good point about the
church being there to hope foryou and pray for you when you
don't have the capacity to do itfor yourself.
I also found that to be supercomforting, and I think it's
great that you address thestruggle between pain and hope,
because that can also be hard.
It seems like people just wantyou to get better, which I
understand, but when someonejust comes alongside you and
(25:48):
decides to just be present withyou and you're suffering, that's
really a way of showing God'slove that is just unmatched, I
think so.
Since we're on the topic offaith communities, you told me
when you recognized a need, youwere prompted to take action and
you actually started afoundation called Through it All
, and it's a peer-to-peersupport program, right?
(26:10):
Tell us more about that.
Katie (26:11):
Yeah, Through it All Foundation is a nonprofit
dedicated to equipping churchesand individuals to walk
alongside people in loss.
I saw a lot of my friends who Ihad grown to know through
losing Ben, who were alsowidowed.
They were widowed a few like amonth after Ben passed away and
(26:39):
I watched them walk through thejourney to you and the friends
that they saw were friends,didn't show up for them and I
was heartbroken because theamount of pain and agony that I
had experienced and I had beenfortunate to have friends that
came alongside me and just tonot have people around you to
(27:04):
walk the journey with you.
I don't know how anybody wouldget through it and I was
thinking about it, praying aboutit and asking God like, how do
you provide community, how doyou provide support?
And I really felt like God kindof inspired the like.
That is why I created thechurch and that is why the
(27:27):
church exists to come alongsidethrough, like, the ups and the
downs of life and the pains andthe joys.
So how can we help the church?
So one of my friends who hadjust lost her husband she had
buried her husband and then twodays later gave birth to their
fourth child and she was justdrowning in work and overwhelm
(27:54):
and taking care of a newbornbaby also her other kids and I
saw that she needed babysittingbut the church that she was
going to wasn't providing it.
And I ended up.
I had reached out to theirchurch and said, hey, you guys
probably have resources.
Are you providing this for her?
And they'd said, oh, we wouldlove to.
(28:15):
She just haven't asked.
And I saw right there that is.
The problem sometimes is it'syour grieving of a lost, of a
loved one.
You already feel like a burden,so you're not going to reach
out for help and a lot of timesyou don't even know what you
need because you're completelyin the wrong place.
(28:35):
And so you need somebody to comeand say, hey, I'm doing this,
I'm going to do this for you,instead of other people waiting
for you to say you know thewhole, let me know what you need
.
You're never going to, you'renever going to reach out.
And so that's where I saw thispeer to peer support program to
(28:57):
be a need in a church, as wellas for someone to come alongside
and advocate for that person,say, hey, I see that you could
use, like yard work help orsomebody to help you organize
your house or babysitting, orsomebody to help you come
alongside and decorate forChristmas, because your kids
(29:19):
still want to celebrateChristmas, but you can't even
bear a lot to decorate this year.
And the church can then comealongside and support and be at
the friend and family that theywant to be and they want to
support and they want to love.
Sometimes they just don't knowhow does it operate in real time
(29:41):
?
So I brought up earlier that Iwas able to talk to a widow who
had no kids and it really helpedme.
That really was the turningpoint for my grief.
I at the time felt completelyalone, completely isolated, like
nobody could understand andpeople would say you're going to
get through this, but I'm likein my head I'm like you don't
(30:04):
know, you've never been throughthis pain and this is painful.
So I was talking to a friend.
She ended up connecting me withthis other woman who was 50 at
the time but she lost her firsthusband at 28 and had no kids
and then suddenly lost like myown.
We talked for hours and hoursand hours.
I came over to her house oneday and I was able to ask her
(30:28):
those hard questions that no oneelse could understand, no one
else had the answers to, and shegave me ideas of what she did.
I for the first time saw hopethat there is life outside of
grief, there is life outside ofthis utter agony and deep pain
that I was experiencing in themoment.
(30:50):
I think that's so important tohave somebody to be able to look
at and say, oh, this person hasdone it before.
It's impossible.
And that is kind of where,through it all, connection the
program called connection.
So it's a peer to peer supportprogram of one person who is
(31:12):
like three, four months pasttheir loss and then pairing
someone.
That's around four to 10 yearsoutside of the initial loss that
they experienced, and when youpair them together, they're able
to walk alongside each other,just be a companion and be a
support and say, like you're notcrazy, I felt that too.
(31:32):
These are ideas of what I'vedone.
Or let me pray for you, let mejust be a friend, and I think
that in that they advocate forthem to their church, but they
also are just a companion thatwalked alongside and says you
aren't alone.
And we're going to get throughthis together.
Michelle (31:52):
I love that program.
That's such a great idea and,in your right, that's a huge
need.
I remember talking to somebodyright after Sean passed away too
, and I was just in that hard,hard early time where it looks
really dark, like you described,and it was a family member said
oh, you should talk to ourfriends.
Their son also died when he was18.
(32:15):
And I remember they connectedus and we talked on the phone
and I said how long has it beenfor you?
And they said eight years, andI remember that day going eight
years.
I can't do this for eight years, yeah.
But at the same time it washopeful though, because that
connection showed me that Icould do it for eight years, and
(32:36):
now you know I can be thatperson for somebody else.
So I just love that you've setit up for people to have that
connection.
It's so important.
Katie (32:45):
Thank you, yeah, and this is what the podcast is doing
too.
Michelle (32:48):
Yeah, thank you.
That's the goal.
So, katie, when we talk aboutchurch and church community,
that's one thing, but what roledid your personal faith in God
play in your grieving process?
Katie (33:01):
Faith played a huge role for me.
I can honestly say I wouldn'tbe here today if it wasn't for
my faith.
Faith gave me hope that thislife isn't all there is, and
that was crucial for me to knowthat this pain that I was in
currently and still am in is notall I have to hope in.
(33:23):
And this isn't.
This isn't all it is, and Ithink that changed my whole
perspective.
And being a widow without kidsthat didn't have some sort of
current purpose Kids to get upfor, I knew that I was here for
a purpose because I was here andGod was still God, and if I
(33:49):
wasn't supposed to be here, godwould have taken me out by now.
And I think that's the onlyreason why I'm alive today
honestly, because why survivesuch pain if that's all I have
to open?
Michelle (34:02):
Yeah, it's interesting how you can develop sort of an
eternal perspective after losinga loved one and how purpose
almost reveals itself to you asyou continue to walk in faith.
So good.
So, katie, you've really sharedso much good information
throughout this story and I justwant to summarize it all here
because I think it bearsrepeating.
(34:24):
You said that, as hard as losscan be, it can teach us to be
compassionate and have greaterempathy for others.
You shared about how grief canreside in our bodies and how we
can recognize and expect thesereactions at different times in
our lives.
You talked about how otherpeople who've been through
similar losses have much wisdomto share and that it's helpful
(34:47):
to connect with other people toknow that we can make it through
the tough times.
You advised against isolatingand encouraged seeking out
friends and family for supportwhen you feel overwhelmed by
your grief.
You told us you journaled whenyou miss Ben and that it was
helpful to get your thoughts andfeelings out on paper instead
(35:08):
of letting them fester insideyou.
You recognize the benefits ofgetting outside, being in a
faith community and servingother people as a means of
taking your mind off yourcircumstances and seeing the
beauty in others and the worldaround us.
Katie, what other lessons haveyou learned from your experience
(35:29):
that you can share with someonelistening who needs hope right
now?
Katie (35:34):
I have learned a lot of life lessons.
I would say a lot of them haveto do with grief, because I knew
nothing about grief before Benpassed away and it's been a huge
learning curve for me.
But I've seen that Feelings arejust feelings, are never final,
(35:55):
and that's been a huge one forme.
I felt like the feelings that Ifeel today may be different
tomorrow and it's just one dayat a time and one day at a time.
Sometimes it's just 30 minutesat a time and you just gotta get
through that 30 minutes andthen it goes okay, let's get
through the next 30 minutes.
(36:16):
That first year, that's what itwas like, and the best analogy
that I have heard Gravedescribed as is through waves.
At the beginning the waves are100 feet tall, crashing into you
and you feel like you'redrowning.
You are drowning, you aregrabbing onto anything Maybe
it's a memory or a photo oranything just to hold on to
(36:41):
whatever you have left andyou're just fully surviving.
And then later, as time goes on, eventually those waves maybe
become 80 feet tall or 50 feettall, come a little further
apart, but there's always gonnabe waves.
There's always gonna be hugewaves of grief and eventually
you learn to kind of expect them.
(37:02):
Maybe it's the snald coffee orthe holidays coming up, a
birthday coming up, but I thinkBen being a surfer, when he was
teaching me how to surf, hewould always say when a big wave
comes, hold your breath and letthe wave wash you this way, and
(37:24):
that Don't fight the wave anddon't try to go to the surface,
because that's gonna leave youexhausted and you'll eventually
you actually will drown becausethe wave will always spit you
out.
The other side and I have seenthat as so practical for griefs
(37:45):
as well is the waves will alwayskeep coming, but there will
always be a break in the waveand, yes, maybe, and that's
where, like living one day at atime or 30 minutes at a time,
like okay, we just gotta get tothe next day, and maybe the next
day is really hard, just gottaget to the next day and
(38:06):
eventually, actually, that wavewill lighten up and you have
life in between those waves.
You know, along with that, Ihave this analogy that I felt
like really was inspired by God,honestly of sea glass and being
that waves, air like grief, seaglass is like us.
(38:30):
Before Ben passed away, I wasglass bottle.
I had an identity.
Like glass jar, holy oil orwhatnot, like I had an identity,
I had a basic idea of where mylife was going.
I had gold, I had dreams, butthey all revolved around Ben.
They all included Ben in them,and a minute that he passed away
(38:53):
, my life was immediatelyshattered into a mine pieces and
it felt like it would never beput back together again.
And honestly it won't ever bethe same, you know.
But that glass bottle, let'ssay, gets washed around in the
waves, tossed and turned andgets thrown in the storms and in
the saltwater and all theelements of the ocean.
(39:16):
Eventually that glass bottlegets little pieces of glass, get
smoothed and polished and endup on shore.
And I'm not saying I've endedup on shore, that's for sure yet
.
But it goes to show that apiece of sea glass still has a
(39:38):
purpose.
It's different but it still haspurpose.
And that's just like all of ourlives.
We go through loss, we gothrough any sort of grief and
our identity has completelyshifted.
And yet it doesn't make ourpurpose better than it was
(39:59):
before, but it's just differentand our purpose can still be
beautiful.
And that's like piece of seaglass.
And I think that God reallyshowed me that he hasn't
abandoned any of us, he hasn'tforgotten us and he still has
purpose for our lives.
Our identity may look a lotdifferent, but he is faithful to
(40:19):
carry it through and carry usin it in the midst of brokenness
.
I also kind of feel like withinthat sea glass analogy, within
that wave analogy, we can'tchoose the part we play in our
situation, in our circumstancesin this life.
We can't choose it, but we canchoose how we let it transform
(40:41):
us.
And so I've seen that, as Ican't choose my circumstances,
but what I can control is how Iallow it to transform me, and I
think that's the defiant can bethe defining moment in our lives
.
Michelle (40:56):
Yeah, well, those are wonderful analogies all of them,
and I love the fact that theyall had to do with the ocean and
the beach, because of Ben,because it's just like meant to
come from him.
And yeah, with the sea glass,you're right, I mean it does.
Grief molds us and shapes usthrough the storm.
You're right, we can't chooseit, but it can still be
beautiful.
I love the way you sum that up.
(41:18):
When I think about someonelosing a spouse, what kind of
things, from a practicalstandpoint, could you offer up?
Is there anything practicalthat pops into your head that
you think about?
How to help someone diverttheir time or energy, or what if
(41:38):
they're afraid?
Katie (41:39):
Yeah, I found that serving is very helpful to me,
getting my mind off of myself,off of my own problems, and
seeing that the world is so muchbigger than me and that other
people are struggling just likeme.
I've also found that, as hardas it is to find gratitude in
(42:05):
things, what can I be gratefulfor?
In naming those things,sometimes it's very small, like
a cup of coffee or making my bed.
I think at the early days Ifound that it was helpful just
to do one thing productive inthe day and then I could call it
(42:26):
a productive day, and a lot oftimes that was just making my
bed and that was good enough.
It also helped me not get backin it immediately after I got
out of it.
But I think finding that onething to just be able to succeed
, making small goals to helpyourself succeed in a day of I
(42:47):
did this one thing and I wasproductive in that.
Michelle (42:50):
Yeah, those are great practical tips Serving, finding
gratitude and doing just oneproductive thing, just small
steps that we can take to moveforward in life, that take the
focus off what we can't controlanyway and just do good.
Thank you, I love it.
Well, katie, at this point Ijust wanna thank you so much for
(43:10):
agreeing to come on the podcastand share yours and Ben's story
.
It's been so nice talking toyou and getting to know you.
Katie (43:18):
Thank you so much.
Thanks for having me.
Michelle (43:22):
So, for those of you listening, if you've experienced
a sudden traumatic loss, youknow how it can turn your world
upside down.
You might feel confused, angryand depressed right now, and
that's okay.
That's how it feels in thebeginning.
But, like Katie said, feelingsare never final.
(43:43):
The way you feel today may notbe the way you feel tomorrow and
, like the bottle she talkedabout, that's tossed around by
the waves.
Eventually it emerges as apolished and beautiful piece of
sea glass.
It has a new purpose now, notnecessarily better, just
different.
You can merge from the waves,my friend, and you'll be
(44:07):
stronger from having survivedthe storm.
So don't lose hope today.
Keep the faith and one dayyou'll be able to help someone
else with the lessons youlearned in your loss.
Thanks for listening.
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