April 12, 2023 • 25 mins
This episode covers ways to modify wedding traditions that are either harmful or only reflect straight couples to be more inclusive to lgbtq+ couples. Everything from how to walk down the aisle, to what you wear and more! This is a super fun and informative episode so I hope it will give you ideas for your own wedding day!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello everyone and welcome tothis week's episode of CRE Lou.
Beloved, it's your host, Annaihi, her pronouns, and I'm the
owner of Widely ConnectedPhotography.
I am super excited for thisweek's episode because I got to
do a ton of really fun research,and I learned a lot about
history and tradit.
(00:21):
And like honestly so many thingsthat I'm so surprised that more
people don't talk about or knowabout and like things that I
should have known.
I feel being in the weddingindustry for almost 10 years
now.
So I think it's gonna be reallyinteresting and I hope you all
learn something and also maybeget some ideas for your own
wedding.
So let's just jump right intoit.
(00:42):
Okay.
Weddings have been around wellsince forever, pretty much.
And so have queer people, butthe problem is that queer
weddings have only just become athing, and there also definitely
was a time where queer, quoteunquote, weddings were
happening, as in kind of likeunions and secret ceremonies,
(01:04):
but they weren't legal orofficial.
I actually just learned thattechnically one of the first
queer weddings was right here inMinnesota in 1970.
But it's still a little bit of agray area because there was a
lot of back and forth and itwasn't, their filing wasn't
denied, but it also like reallywasn't accepted.
(01:25):
So technically the first gaywedding was in 2004.
That is not that long ago, likeless than 20 years ago.
So with that context in mind,How would there be any room at
the table for those kinds oflove stories to have a say in
how wedding days should run?
(01:48):
Oh, there wasn't.
There was no seat at the tablefor those kinds of stories,
which means that a lot oftraditions we still see today
are influenced byheteronormative and a very
patriarchal world.
And some of my number onequestions from couples is how to
do things differently, whichdoes also apply to straight
(02:08):
couples as well, who.
Generally don't wanna upholdthose kind of harmful traditions
and practices, so yay forallies.
But I think it's reallyimportant to keep having these
conversations, to let peopleknow that there are options and
also ways to just modify thingsto make them feel more like
(02:32):
they're kind of.
I figured though we should startwith the ones that we can just
scrap all together.
And I feel like you are allpretty aware of some of these,
but I'm just, I'm just gonnastart out right here by saying
the garter toss.
Like, do I need to say more?
It has to go, I really don'tneed to say more, but in case
(02:57):
you're wondering.
These days, the garter toss hasbasically been boiled down to
the male equivalent of a bouquettoss.
Basically saying that whateversingle bachelor catches the
garter is gonna have good luckand will probably find love.
However, that is definitely notwhere it came from.
(03:18):
And I was so shocked readingmore about this, but it has a
lot of old ties to inspectingthe bride of her virginity
status.
because oftentimes people wouldfollow the couple to their
wedding chamber to ensure thatthe wedding was being, the
marriage was being consummated,and at the same time, Many
(03:43):
people also thought that abride's white dress had good
luck attached to it.
And so all day long people wouldjust be clawing at the bride
trying to get scraps of herwedding dress, which is,
terrifying and anxiety inducing.
So they would create likefabrics, like the garter so that
(04:03):
they could toss'em at people andbasically be like, yo, leave her
alone.
Needless to say, this traditionis not only extremely harmful
and gross, but it's also verygendered.
And I'm just not even gonna saythere should be an alternative
because just for the love ofGod, please do not do this.
And the last thing I will saythat we can just scrap all
(04:26):
together, is the whole wifesubmit to your husband spiel,
like religious or not.
I think that.
I think that there are ways tohave religious beliefs while
also not diminishing the statusof another gender.
I'm not even gonna get intoBible verses and all of that.
There's plenty of stuff outthere on that.
(04:48):
But please just like, don't askyour wife to submit in front of
a crowd of 300 people.
It's just not a great look.
So, oh, also, This one couldkind of go on either list and
maybe it shouldn't go on a listat all cuz I don't necessarily
think that it's a tradition.
It's more of just like a thingthat's happened culturally.
(05:12):
But I do hear a lot of talk onwedding days about feeling like
members of the wedding partyhave to sleep together or end up
together, or even, guests tryingto be on the lookout for a
single someone.
I totally get it.
I'm not saying you have to, youcan't talk to anyone at a
(05:33):
wedding.
No.
However, I have seen that thiskind of thinking and people
assuming that that's just whathappens at weddings can lead to
a lot of drama on a day thatshould be about someone else,
and.
That someone else may not wantto be dealing with, like friend
drama while they're just wantingto be happy.
(05:55):
So anyhow, I'm just gonna saymaybe scrap that mentality and
just show up to have fun and gofrom there.
So, okay, that was actually thelast one from that list, now we
are going to move on to somethings that I feel we could just
kind of modify, or changedepending on, because I will say
(06:17):
I don't wanna be that personthat says all tradition has to
go out the window, because Iunderstand that, that there's
some, you know, emotional tiesto tradition and things that
might feel really special.
And if that's the case, thenamazing.
Great.
Like please do those things.
And at the same time, are thereways that we can make them
(06:39):
potentially less harmful or moreinclusive or just honestly
better fitting to who you andyour partner are?
So I'm going to start with the,this first one.
And it's the first one that I, Iget questions about all the time
since I primarily work withinthe LGBTQ community.
And something that my couplesask a lot is like, how, how
(07:02):
should we walk down the aisle?
And this is also like a reallycommon, low hanging fruit that
people reference when talkingabout old wedding traditions.
Because it, it is, it's, it'stied to a a father literally
transferring his ownership ofher to the groom.
(07:23):
So I understand why it getsbrought up a lot because yeah,
it has some really harmful tiesand.
We, even for straightrelationships, a lot of times
couples don't really wannauphold that and that.
I hear that.
That's great and obviously Ithink now people have kind of
detached themselves from that ina lot of ways and don't view it
(07:44):
that way, obviously.
So that's why this is kind of onthe modification list because if
you have that relationship withyour father, Great.
Please do that.
Um, and if it feels healthy andsafe, however, we also have to
keep in mind that not everychild father relationship is
like that.
(08:06):
and some people won't haveparents at their weddings.
Some people might not have a dador a great relationship with
their dad, or some people justdon't wanna uphold a practice
like that.
And so what could you do toreplace.
You could, number one, walk downthe aisle by yourself.
Heck yeah.
We love a power move.
Number two, you could actuallyhave just both parents accompany
(08:29):
you.
It feels a lot more, equalamongst parents and it's very
wholesome.
Number three, you can walktogether with your partner.
I, I love seeing when people dothis because it's sort of, It's
just symbolic of their, they'vealready started their life
together, you know, and they're,they're starting this, this
(08:51):
ceremony together and ending ittogether.
And you can also, you could doit down one aisle, like hand in
hand, or you could do it downtwo separate aisles.
You know, depending on spaceand, and what your venue or
space might allow.
You could build two separateaisles and each walk down it.
Um, or alternatively you couldmeet your partner at the, the
(09:13):
ceremony space by coming fromopposite direction.
So like, one coming from left,one coming from right.
And meeting at that middle spot.
Or you could do somethingtotally different and have a
seating arrangement that isn'treally like an aisle, like a
circle or just, you know,something totally different that
is just unique to you.
So those are some ideas for kindof getting rid of that.
(09:39):
And it could just be, you know,we're just doing something
different and we're doingsomething that feels more like
us.
Number two is the idea that youhave to get ready separately, or
the idea that you have to sleepseparately the night before.
Okay.
People, this one has, believe itor not, a lot of religious ties
(10:04):
as well.
You're not able to spend thenight with a person for
temptation of sleeping withthem.
So I'm just gonna say that'soutdated and leave it there.
But a lot of my couples will saysomething like, my partner is my
best friend.
why, why would I wanna be apartfor them?
And that makes a lot of sense tome because I feel the same way.
(10:26):
Like you're marrying thisperson.
I, I sure hope you like them alot, so it makes sense that you
would want to spend the nightwith them the night before when
you might already be feelinglike a little anxious or
something.
So I'm just here to say youmight get some pushback, but
it's, it's okay to be togetherthe night before a wedding.
I, I promise.
Um, and also with the Guinearain, It's, it's kind of all
(10:50):
like to the extent you wanna dothings, right?
So if you feel that it wouldstill be really fun and special
for you to get ready separatelyso that you can have that really
exciting first look moment, doit.
Great.
But I also have couples too, whoare like, no, they're my best
friend and I might be feelinganxious and I want to be by
them.
(11:10):
Do it.
That's great.
Do what you want.
All right, number.
Asking for the daughter's handin marriage, you'll never guess
people.
Also rooted in the patriarchy.
Who knew?
So this is really interestingtoo, something I didn't know
(11:32):
until looking into it more, butthis actually comes from ancient
Rome when the man who wasinterested in a father's
daughter would present a certainkind of coin to the father, and
basically the father dictatedwhether or not his daughter
would marry that.
(11:52):
So basically the father decidedhis daughter's fate and, and not
her.
So I know again, we've, that'ssomething we've moved past.
Obviously we're living in 2023,not ancient Rome, but I think
that it can still come off thatway in a lot of scenarios where
it's having ownership over awoman and like what happens if
(12:15):
there's no woman in the relat?
What, what if there's two groomsor someone who doesn't identify
as a woman, it's confusing.
Who do they both have to do it?
Who?
Who asks, but I think, I thinkthe modification here is that
obviously number one,discussions should be between
both partners and just kind of amutual agreement on when they're
(12:38):
ready and.
As far as the actualmodification piece, I will say I
think it depends a lot on therelationship that you have with
one another's parents.
If you have a super healthyrelationship with your partner's
parents and you genuinely feelthat their parents would just
(12:59):
appreciate being in the know andappreciate the gesture for what
it is, you can do it as aformality.
I just think it's important to,maybe even in that conversation
note that you are not doing itbecause you feel you have to ask
for ownership, but just as anice gesture.
(13:19):
So that's what I'll say on thatone.
That's kind of up to you and,and your, each relationship with
the others' parents.
All right.
Number five.
Nope, that's number four.
Number four, having to wearwhite.
I think this is a pretty commonunderstanding of usually the
(13:43):
bride is supposed to wear white,but again, what if there is no
bride present?
And furthermore, It's a, it'stied to purity culture.
If you weren't able to wearwhite because of a previous
marriage or because of somethingin your past, like that's just
bs.
Your partner is choosing you foryou, not because of your past,
(14:06):
and it doesn't matter about yourpast.
So do whatever you want.
And I will say, how often do youget to wear like a super cool,
fully white outfit all glammedup without people giving you
major side eyes?
So I get it.
I get the appeal.
And white is great and veryelegant and also can be fun.
(14:31):
So obviously that is totallyfine.
I.
Want people to know that thatone has ties to a lot of harmful
practices as well.
And if you would feel morecomfortable wearing black or
even something patterned, go forit.
You are not shameful justbecause you aren't wearing
white.
(14:52):
All right, now, number five.
Um, Having an aside side for thebride and one for the groom.
I feel like some of you mighthave been seeing those signs now
that say, pick a seat, not aaside.
Either way, we're all here forthe groom and bride or something
to that extent.
This one I'm not entirely sureabout, like there were quite a
(15:16):
few sources that said thisinformation, but I just have a
hard time believing it.
So, Y'all might have to go dosome further research on this
one, but, uh, it appears that alot of ties to the bride being
on the left side and the groombeing on the right side.
Comes from a long time ago.
(15:37):
Brides would sometimes bekidnapped from their families
just to marry the.
Gross.
That should just be red flagnumber one.
But I guess a lot of times whatwould happen is on the wedding
day, the bride's family wouldtry to come and take her back.
And so the groom needed to havehis, he needed to be standing on
(15:57):
the right side so he couldeasily draw his sword to be able
to fight off.
Anyone tried to take her?
Oh boy.
Like crazy.
But some.
It's hard to believe, but, andyet I still really believe it.
I mean, some people do also saythat a lot of times in, in
historic churches, thecongregation was segregated and
(16:19):
that men would sit in one sidewhen Moon would sit on the
other.
so there's just thought a lot ofweird ties.
So this one in general too.
And I would also say This feelsa little divisive.
Even when I've been at a guestat a wedding, if I know both
people and someone asks me like,oh, who are you here to support?
It's like, well, both of them.
Why, why do I have to pick aside?
(16:41):
It feels, it feels likesomeone's trying to start
something, you know?
It's also very gendered too,right?
Because again, what if there'sno bride?
What if there's no groom?
What if there's two grooms theneveryone just gets confused and
they panic and they, they don'tknow what to do.
So basically, I'm saying, Ithink these days it's, it's a
(17:02):
great idea to just kind of havea free for all, let people sit
where they wanna sit.
Maybe they'll be less likely tochoose the very back last row
and leave like three open rowsin the middle.
Um, or you could also say, ifyou really think that your
family would be more comfortablesitting all together, that's
(17:22):
fine.
You can just make a sign thatsays, you know, X person will be
on this side and X will be onthe other.
But, you know, sit where youwanna sit, basically.
All right, the next one, iswearing veils.
Now I know this one is somethingthat honestly, I think has just
naturally gone down inpopularity.
(17:43):
And I think a lot of that justkind of has to do with both,
fashion and also practicality,but super interesting.
Wearing veils is tied to yetagain, a symbol of purity and
innocence.
So if you didn't have thosethings, you didn't get to wear
one.
And, it was also a way to try tokeep evil spirits away from the
(18:06):
ride on her wedding day.
I just think, do what you willwith that one.
I think also they can just kindof generally be annoying.
They can easily fall in and outof your hair, um, or mess up
your hair.
But I will say they do make forreally nice bug nets on your
wedding day, especially in thesummer.
So pros and cons.
(18:26):
People, pros and cons.
but really no, it's just,obviously there's interesting
ties there.
So maybe you make a veil but youdon't wear it over your face.
Maybe you have no veil, maybeyou only wear it for the
ceremony.
There's lots of differentmodifications here.
Um, just do what feels right foryou.
(18:47):
All right.
The swan, very interesting asare all of them I think.
But, only having the bride'sfamily pay for the wedding.
What if there is no bride?
What happens then?
Dun, dun, dun And you will neverguess this has ties to harmful
(19:11):
practices to women.
Wow.
It's just crazy how much of thewedding world is just.
Not great.
So the brides family pang forthe wedding goes hand in hand
with the old tradition of dowry,and I'm sure a lot of you are
familiar with that, but dowryare basically like a father
(19:33):
would say, if you marry mydaughter, you get three of my
best sheep.
How about that?
And then the other family wouldsay, we need at least five or,
sounds great.
Let's get married tomorrow.
So, in addition to that,basically women were seen as a
liability.
(19:53):
Like single women were seen astempting.
They were seen as a liabilityfor getting pregnant, all of
that jazz.
And so it basically because.
Quote unquote risk theirfamilies had to pay for the
wedding to basically make themmore attractive to Mary.
So that's great.
(20:15):
I think nowadays, I think just,if parents are going to be
contributing, they can have asit down conversation and
discuss that.
They won't both wanna do, andthat's tricky.
I think sometimes, parentsreally.
Outdo themselves for their,their own child's wedding and
wanna pay for for more.
(20:36):
And that's something that yourparents have to figure out, I
would just say encourage yourparents to do things equally, if
at all possible.
Cuz that just feels like a lotof pressure to put on a bride's
family or, if there's no bride.
Also great opportunity to justdo things equally or as one
family can do.
(20:58):
all right.
Last one.
I think we're on number eighthere.
This is one I think that haskind of also naturally sort of
just happened on its own aswe've sort of progressed in the
world.
But I just, I'm gonna say havingreligion involved or needing
like a religious officiate twoto your wedding.
And so again, I think we'vereally seen a downfall in church
(21:20):
weddings.
Thank goodness.
Can we also just ditch thechurch ceremonies where the
lighting is always like orangeand bad?
really, I think.
If you are religious, that isgreat.
I think that there are ways toincorporate the pieces of it
that feel actually relevant toyou and special to you without
(21:43):
it having to be inside the wallsof a religious place.
whether it's like a short prayeror a little ceremony of sorts.
And that way, you kind of get tohave more say in what happens
versus having to go through.
Like a 45 minute kind ofreligious ceremony that might
take place if you were to getmarried into a church, or in a
(22:03):
church.
So I have seen a lot of couplesfigure out ways to incorporate
that.
But also this is just for thefolks out there who, might still
feel like they have to becausetheir parents did and think it's
special You don't have to, A lotof people are not doing it.
So you can just blame it, blameit on your friends.
(22:26):
and also this, shouldn't be saidwithout also acknowledging that
sometimes religious spaces won'tbe open to, you and your partner
for having your wedding.
And so sometimes that justhappens naturally,
unfortunately.
But I thought it should bepointed out because.
(22:47):
You know who needs it.
You could have your best friendor your brother or your dog do
it.
Okay.
Maybe not your dog, but we canall dream, right?
All right.
And that's what I have for youall today, just as a starting
point.
Um, I know there are so manymore out there, and honestly
there are probably lots outthere that are different from
(23:10):
what I've experienced.
You know, my perspective comeslargely from.
Straight white, sometimesChristian weddings.
And I know that doesn't alwaysreflect the practices of other
cultures, that may or may notalso need some updating.
So there's definitely more outthere.
I hope you all learn some crazynew things like I did, and also
(23:32):
feel inspired and empowered tochange the traditions in your
own wedding that you want to.
If you like this episode, pleaselet me know and I will make a
part two with all the othertraditions that are out there.
and also if, if you arelistening and, wanna share this
to your stories and maybe sharesome ideas that you might have
(23:55):
for changing your own weddingtraditions, please let me know
and tag me.
I'd love to see it.
And that's all I got for youclearly, beloved.
Have a great day.
I'll see you here next.
Hello everyone and welcome tothis week's episode of CRE Lou.
Beloved, it's your host, Annaihi, her pronouns, and I'm the
owner of Widely ConnectedPhotography.
I am super excited for thisweek's episode because I got to
do a ton of really fun research,and I learned a lot about
history and tradit.
(00:21):
And like honestly so many thingsthat I'm so surprised that more
people don't talk about or knowabout and like things that I
should have known.
I feel being in the weddingindustry for almost 10 years
now.
So I think it's gonna be reallyinteresting and I hope you all
learn something and also maybeget some ideas for your own
wedding.
So let's just jump right intoit.
(00:42):
Okay.
Weddings have been around wellsince forever, pretty much.
And so have queer people, butthe problem is that queer
weddings have only just become athing, and there also definitely
was a time where queer, quoteunquote, weddings were
happening, as in kind of likeunions and secret ceremonies,
(01:04):
but they weren't legal orofficial.
I actually just learned thattechnically one of the first
queer weddings was right here inMinnesota in 1970.
But it's still a little bit of agray area because there was a
lot of back and forth and itwasn't, their filing wasn't
denied, but it also like reallywasn't accepted.
(01:25):
So technically the first gaywedding was in 2004.
That is not that long ago, likeless than 20 years ago.
So with that context in mind,How would there be any room at
the table for those kinds oflove stories to have a say in
how wedding days should run?
(01:48):
Oh, there wasn't.
There was no seat at the tablefor those kinds of stories,
which means that a lot oftraditions we still see today
are influenced byheteronormative and a very
patriarchal world.
And some of my number onequestions from couples is how to
do things differently, whichdoes also apply to straight
(02:08):
couples as well, who.
Generally don't wanna upholdthose kind of harmful traditions
and practices, so yay forallies.
But I think it's reallyimportant to keep having these
conversations, to let peopleknow that there are options and
also ways to just modify thingsto make them feel more like
(02:32):
they're kind of.
I figured though we should startwith the ones that we can just
scrap all together.
And I feel like you are allpretty aware of some of these,
but I'm just, I'm just gonnastart out right here by saying
the garter toss.
Like, do I need to say more?
It has to go, I really don'tneed to say more, but in case
(02:57):
you're wondering.
These days, the garter toss hasbasically been boiled down to
the male equivalent of a bouquettoss.
Basically saying that whateversingle bachelor catches the
garter is gonna have good luckand will probably find love.
However, that is definitely notwhere it came from.
(03:18):
And I was so shocked readingmore about this, but it has a
lot of old ties to inspectingthe bride of her virginity
status.
because oftentimes people wouldfollow the couple to their
wedding chamber to ensure thatthe wedding was being, the
marriage was being consummated,and at the same time, Many
(03:43):
people also thought that abride's white dress had good
luck attached to it.
And so all day long people wouldjust be clawing at the bride
trying to get scraps of herwedding dress, which is,
terrifying and anxiety inducing.
So they would create likefabrics, like the garter so that
(04:03):
they could toss'em at people andbasically be like, yo, leave her
alone.
Needless to say, this traditionis not only extremely harmful
and gross, but it's also verygendered.
And I'm just not even gonna saythere should be an alternative
because just for the love ofGod, please do not do this.
And the last thing I will saythat we can just scrap all
(04:26):
together, is the whole wifesubmit to your husband spiel,
like religious or not.
I think that.
I think that there are ways tohave religious beliefs while
also not diminishing the statusof another gender.
I'm not even gonna get intoBible verses and all of that.
There's plenty of stuff outthere on that.
(04:48):
But please just like, don't askyour wife to submit in front of
a crowd of 300 people.
It's just not a great look.
So, oh, also, This one couldkind of go on either list and
maybe it shouldn't go on a listat all cuz I don't necessarily
think that it's a tradition.
It's more of just like a thingthat's happened culturally.
(05:12):
But I do hear a lot of talk onwedding days about feeling like
members of the wedding partyhave to sleep together or end up
together, or even, guests tryingto be on the lookout for a
single someone.
I totally get it.
I'm not saying you have to, youcan't talk to anyone at a
(05:33):
wedding.
No.
However, I have seen that thiskind of thinking and people
assuming that that's just whathappens at weddings can lead to
a lot of drama on a day thatshould be about someone else,
and.
That someone else may not wantto be dealing with, like friend
drama while they're just wantingto be happy.
(05:55):
So anyhow, I'm just gonna saymaybe scrap that mentality and
just show up to have fun and gofrom there.
So, okay, that was actually thelast one from that list, now we
are going to move on to somethings that I feel we could just
kind of modify, or changedepending on, because I will say
(06:17):
I don't wanna be that personthat says all tradition has to
go out the window, because Iunderstand that, that there's
some, you know, emotional tiesto tradition and things that
might feel really special.
And if that's the case, thenamazing.
Great.
Like please do those things.
And at the same time, are thereways that we can make them
(06:39):
potentially less harmful or moreinclusive or just honestly
better fitting to who you andyour partner are?
So I'm going to start with the,this first one.
And it's the first one that I, Iget questions about all the time
since I primarily work withinthe LGBTQ community.
And something that my couplesask a lot is like, how, how
(07:02):
should we walk down the aisle?
And this is also like a reallycommon, low hanging fruit that
people reference when talkingabout old wedding traditions.
Because it, it is, it's, it'stied to a a father literally
transferring his ownership ofher to the groom.
(07:23):
So I understand why it getsbrought up a lot because yeah,
it has some really harmful tiesand.
We, even for straightrelationships, a lot of times
couples don't really wannauphold that and that.
I hear that.
That's great and obviously Ithink now people have kind of
detached themselves from that ina lot of ways and don't view it
(07:44):
that way, obviously.
So that's why this is kind of onthe modification list because if
you have that relationship withyour father, Great.
Please do that.
Um, and if it feels healthy andsafe, however, we also have to
keep in mind that not everychild father relationship is
like that.
(08:06):
and some people won't haveparents at their weddings.
Some people might not have a dador a great relationship with
their dad, or some people justdon't wanna uphold a practice
like that.
And so what could you do toreplace.
You could, number one, walk downthe aisle by yourself.
Heck yeah.
We love a power move.
Number two, you could actuallyhave just both parents accompany
(08:29):
you.
It feels a lot more, equalamongst parents and it's very
wholesome.
Number three, you can walktogether with your partner.
I, I love seeing when people dothis because it's sort of, It's
just symbolic of their, they'vealready started their life
together, you know, and they're,they're starting this, this
(08:51):
ceremony together and ending ittogether.
And you can also, you could doit down one aisle, like hand in
hand, or you could do it downtwo separate aisles.
You know, depending on spaceand, and what your venue or
space might allow.
You could build two separateaisles and each walk down it.
Um, or alternatively you couldmeet your partner at the, the
(09:13):
ceremony space by coming fromopposite direction.
So like, one coming from left,one coming from right.
And meeting at that middle spot.
Or you could do somethingtotally different and have a
seating arrangement that isn'treally like an aisle, like a
circle or just, you know,something totally different that
is just unique to you.
So those are some ideas for kindof getting rid of that.
(09:39):
And it could just be, you know,we're just doing something
different and we're doingsomething that feels more like
us.
Number two is the idea that youhave to get ready separately, or
the idea that you have to sleepseparately the night before.
Okay.
People, this one has, believe itor not, a lot of religious ties
(10:04):
as well.
You're not able to spend thenight with a person for
temptation of sleeping withthem.
So I'm just gonna say that'soutdated and leave it there.
But a lot of my couples will saysomething like, my partner is my
best friend.
why, why would I wanna be apartfor them?
And that makes a lot of sense tome because I feel the same way.
(10:26):
Like you're marrying thisperson.
I, I sure hope you like them alot, so it makes sense that you
would want to spend the nightwith them the night before when
you might already be feelinglike a little anxious or
something.
So I'm just here to say youmight get some pushback, but
it's, it's okay to be togetherthe night before a wedding.
I, I promise.
Um, and also with the Guinearain, It's, it's kind of all
(10:50):
like to the extent you wanna dothings, right?
So if you feel that it wouldstill be really fun and special
for you to get ready separatelyso that you can have that really
exciting first look moment, doit.
Great.
But I also have couples too, whoare like, no, they're my best
friend and I might be feelinganxious and I want to be by
them.
(11:10):
Do it.
That's great.
Do what you want.
All right, number.
Asking for the daughter's handin marriage, you'll never guess
people.
Also rooted in the patriarchy.
Who knew?
So this is really interestingtoo, something I didn't know
(11:32):
until looking into it more, butthis actually comes from ancient
Rome when the man who wasinterested in a father's
daughter would present a certainkind of coin to the father, and
basically the father dictatedwhether or not his daughter
would marry that.
(11:52):
So basically the father decidedhis daughter's fate and, and not
her.
So I know again, we've, that'ssomething we've moved past.
Obviously we're living in 2023,not ancient Rome, but I think
that it can still come off thatway in a lot of scenarios where
it's having ownership over awoman and like what happens if
(12:15):
there's no woman in the relat?
What, what if there's two groomsor someone who doesn't identify
as a woman, it's confusing.
Who do they both have to do it?
Who?
Who asks, but I think, I thinkthe modification here is that
obviously number one,discussions should be between
both partners and just kind of amutual agreement on when they're
(12:38):
ready and.
As far as the actualmodification piece, I will say I
think it depends a lot on therelationship that you have with
one another's parents.
If you have a super healthyrelationship with your partner's
parents and you genuinely feelthat their parents would just
(12:59):
appreciate being in the know andappreciate the gesture for what
it is, you can do it as aformality.
I just think it's important to,maybe even in that conversation
note that you are not doing itbecause you feel you have to ask
for ownership, but just as anice gesture.
(13:19):
So that's what I'll say on thatone.
That's kind of up to you and,and your, each relationship with
the others' parents.
All right.
Number five.
Nope, that's number four.
Number four, having to wearwhite.
I think this is a pretty commonunderstanding of usually the
(13:43):
bride is supposed to wear white,but again, what if there is no
bride present?
And furthermore, It's a, it'stied to purity culture.
If you weren't able to wearwhite because of a previous
marriage or because of somethingin your past, like that's just
bs.
Your partner is choosing you foryou, not because of your past,
(14:06):
and it doesn't matter about yourpast.
So do whatever you want.
And I will say, how often do youget to wear like a super cool,
fully white outfit all glammedup without people giving you
major side eyes?
So I get it.
I get the appeal.
And white is great and veryelegant and also can be fun.
(14:31):
So obviously that is totallyfine.
I.
Want people to know that thatone has ties to a lot of harmful
practices as well.
And if you would feel morecomfortable wearing black or
even something patterned, go forit.
You are not shameful justbecause you aren't wearing
white.
(14:52):
All right, now, number five.
Um, Having an aside side for thebride and one for the groom.
I feel like some of you mighthave been seeing those signs now
that say, pick a seat, not aaside.
Either way, we're all here forthe groom and bride or something
to that extent.
This one I'm not entirely sureabout, like there were quite a
(15:16):
few sources that said thisinformation, but I just have a
hard time believing it.
So, Y'all might have to go dosome further research on this
one, but, uh, it appears that alot of ties to the bride being
on the left side and the groombeing on the right side.
Comes from a long time ago.
(15:37):
Brides would sometimes bekidnapped from their families
just to marry the.
Gross.
That should just be red flagnumber one.
But I guess a lot of times whatwould happen is on the wedding
day, the bride's family wouldtry to come and take her back.
And so the groom needed to havehis, he needed to be standing on
(15:57):
the right side so he couldeasily draw his sword to be able
to fight off.
Anyone tried to take her?
Oh boy.
Like crazy.
But some.
It's hard to believe, but, andyet I still really believe it.
I mean, some people do also saythat a lot of times in, in
historic churches, thecongregation was segregated and
(16:19):
that men would sit in one sidewhen Moon would sit on the
other.
so there's just thought a lot ofweird ties.
So this one in general too.
And I would also say This feelsa little divisive.
Even when I've been at a guestat a wedding, if I know both
people and someone asks me like,oh, who are you here to support?
It's like, well, both of them.
Why, why do I have to pick aside?
(16:41):
It feels, it feels likesomeone's trying to start
something, you know?
It's also very gendered too,right?
Because again, what if there'sno bride?
What if there's no groom?
What if there's two grooms theneveryone just gets confused and
they panic and they, they don'tknow what to do.
So basically, I'm saying, Ithink these days it's, it's a
(17:02):
great idea to just kind of havea free for all, let people sit
where they wanna sit.
Maybe they'll be less likely tochoose the very back last row
and leave like three open rowsin the middle.
Um, or you could also say, ifyou really think that your
family would be more comfortablesitting all together, that's
(17:22):
fine.
You can just make a sign thatsays, you know, X person will be
on this side and X will be onthe other.
But, you know, sit where youwanna sit, basically.
All right, the next one, iswearing veils.
Now I know this one is somethingthat honestly, I think has just
naturally gone down inpopularity.
(17:43):
And I think a lot of that justkind of has to do with both,
fashion and also practicality,but super interesting.
Wearing veils is tied to yetagain, a symbol of purity and
innocence.
So if you didn't have thosethings, you didn't get to wear
one.
And, it was also a way to try tokeep evil spirits away from the
(18:06):
ride on her wedding day.
I just think, do what you willwith that one.
I think also they can just kindof generally be annoying.
They can easily fall in and outof your hair, um, or mess up
your hair.
But I will say they do make forreally nice bug nets on your
wedding day, especially in thesummer.
So pros and cons.
(18:26):
People, pros and cons.
but really no, it's just,obviously there's interesting
ties there.
So maybe you make a veil but youdon't wear it over your face.
Maybe you have no veil, maybeyou only wear it for the
ceremony.
There's lots of differentmodifications here.
Um, just do what feels right foryou.
(18:47):
All right.
The swan, very interesting asare all of them I think.
But, only having the bride'sfamily pay for the wedding.
What if there is no bride?
What happens then?
Dun, dun, dun And you will neverguess this has ties to harmful
(19:11):
practices to women.
Wow.
It's just crazy how much of thewedding world is just.
Not great.
So the brides family pang forthe wedding goes hand in hand
with the old tradition of dowry,and I'm sure a lot of you are
familiar with that, but dowryare basically like a father
(19:33):
would say, if you marry mydaughter, you get three of my
best sheep.
How about that?
And then the other family wouldsay, we need at least five or,
sounds great.
Let's get married tomorrow.
So, in addition to that,basically women were seen as a
liability.
(19:53):
Like single women were seen astempting.
They were seen as a liabilityfor getting pregnant, all of
that jazz.
And so it basically because.
Quote unquote risk theirfamilies had to pay for the
wedding to basically make themmore attractive to Mary.
So that's great.
(20:15):
I think nowadays, I think just,if parents are going to be
contributing, they can have asit down conversation and
discuss that.
They won't both wanna do, andthat's tricky.
I think sometimes, parentsreally.
Outdo themselves for their,their own child's wedding and
wanna pay for for more.
(20:36):
And that's something that yourparents have to figure out, I
would just say encourage yourparents to do things equally, if
at all possible.
Cuz that just feels like a lotof pressure to put on a bride's
family or, if there's no bride.
Also great opportunity to justdo things equally or as one
family can do.
(20:58):
all right.
Last one.
I think we're on number eighthere.
This is one I think that haskind of also naturally sort of
just happened on its own aswe've sort of progressed in the
world.
But I just, I'm gonna say havingreligion involved or needing
like a religious officiate twoto your wedding.
And so again, I think we'vereally seen a downfall in church
(21:20):
weddings.
Thank goodness.
Can we also just ditch thechurch ceremonies where the
lighting is always like orangeand bad?
really, I think.
If you are religious, that isgreat.
I think that there are ways toincorporate the pieces of it
that feel actually relevant toyou and special to you without
(21:43):
it having to be inside the wallsof a religious place.
whether it's like a short prayeror a little ceremony of sorts.
And that way, you kind of get tohave more say in what happens
versus having to go through.
Like a 45 minute kind ofreligious ceremony that might
take place if you were to getmarried into a church, or in a
(22:03):
church.
So I have seen a lot of couplesfigure out ways to incorporate
that.
But also this is just for thefolks out there who, might still
feel like they have to becausetheir parents did and think it's
special You don't have to, A lotof people are not doing it.
So you can just blame it, blameit on your friends.
(22:26):
and also this, shouldn't be saidwithout also acknowledging that
sometimes religious spaces won'tbe open to, you and your partner
for having your wedding.
And so sometimes that justhappens naturally,
unfortunately.
But I thought it should bepointed out because.
(22:47):
You know who needs it.
You could have your best friendor your brother or your dog do
it.
Okay.
Maybe not your dog, but we canall dream, right?
All right.
And that's what I have for youall today, just as a starting
point.
Um, I know there are so manymore out there, and honestly
there are probably lots outthere that are different from
(23:10):
what I've experienced.
You know, my perspective comeslargely from.
Straight white, sometimesChristian weddings.
And I know that doesn't alwaysreflect the practices of other
cultures, that may or may notalso need some updating.
So there's definitely more outthere.
I hope you all learn some crazynew things like I did, and also
(23:32):
feel inspired and empowered tochange the traditions in your
own wedding that you want to.
If you like this episode, pleaselet me know and I will make a
part two with all the othertraditions that are out there.
and also if, if you arelistening and, wanna share this
to your stories and maybe sharesome ideas that you might have
(23:55):
for changing your own weddingtraditions, please let me know
and tag me.
I'd love to see it.
And that's all I got for youclearly, beloved.
Have a great day.
I'll see you here next.
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