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December 29, 2023 18 mins

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As I join along with the rest of the lgbtq+ couples that are either engaged or about to be engaged, it has me thinking about all of the various traditions of engagements, wedding and marriage and questioning what rules apply to us? I hope you'll listen along to hear some of the thoughts of my audience and share their own personal experiences of what they did and how they chose that.
Happy New Year Everyone, I will see you in 2024 for more Queerly Beloved Content!

The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic

Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo (00:01):
Clearly beloved.
Oh, Welcome back to this week'sepisode.
It's your host Ana and owner ofwildly connected.
Targety.
I am so excited to be with youall this week, because it is the
last episode of 2023, which isinsane because that means that

(00:22):
I've had this podcast for justabout a year now.
Aye.
Yeah.
I never thought that I was goingto be a podcast host.
But yeah, this year has justbeen.
So, so amazing.
So I just wanted to start with aquick recap of the year before
diving into this week's episode.

(00:42):
So.
Over the past year, over 1600 ofyou have listened to the
podcast.
From 60 different cities, botheast and west coast.
And we also have listeners inEurope, Asia, and Australia.
And I think it's important justto know, like the biggest
takeaways and the mostdownloaded episodes.

(01:03):
So.
The episodes that were mostlistened to and shared.
We're why every wedding shouldbe a little queer and queer
alternatives to heteronormativewedding traditions.
Which I feel like that.
Those are just big wins becausethat's the whole purpose of this
podcast.

(01:23):
Of course there's been branchinginto other areas too, as using
the podcast as a means for us toconnect with one another and
learn from another.
But I'm just so excited to seethat those episodes got so many
downloads and.
I just, I hope that continues.
So if you want to revisit thoseepisodes, please do.

(01:46):
Or if you have not yet listenedto those episodes.
Highly recommend going back tothe first couple of episodes and
giving them a listen.
And outside of that, I justwanted to say a big, thank you.
I know in this day and age,there's so many podcasts, like
so many you can open up.
Spotify or apple podcasts andyou'll get like 12 million

(02:08):
different recommendations foryou.
And.
Honestly, I'm a big podcast,girly.
I listened to a lot, so I knowthat there's a lot of content.
Out there and a lot of thingstoo.
Be listening to, and I'm just sograteful for everybody that
takes the time to listen to thisand.
For those of you that listenevery week as well.
Just, it means a lot.

(02:29):
And.
Honestly.
Yeah, this podcast is justturning out better than I
could've ever imagined.
It's been such a coolopportunity.
To just act as a means ofconnection with.
People in the industry, peopleoutside of the industry, it's
opened the door for so many coolconversations that happen both

(02:51):
on air and off air.
And it's just been so, so great.
So.
Truly thank you to.
Everybody who listens.
It means the world.
And I hope that you willcontinue to listen in 2024 and
continue sharing episodes.
When I see people sharing themand talking about the episode
that just.
My as my whole day makes mywhole week.

(03:13):
So, keep doing that and we aregoing to dive right into this
week's episode.
So I'm sure you'll be able totell.
By the title of the episode, butthis episode is all about.
Asking your partners, parentsfor quote unquote, permission to

(03:35):
marry their child.
So recently, as many of, maybesome don't know that I've joined
the ranks of other LGBTQ coupleswho are thinking about all
things.
Marriage and wedding andengagement and actually being in
those shoes, it gives me a lotof things to think about and
think through a lot of questionsand processes.

(03:58):
And things like that.
So the question is like, ifyou're a queer, what do you do
about the whole, do I have toask my partner's parents for
their hand in marriage?
Like.
Yeah.
Seems like a gray area.
So.
I will start.
Out by personally saying thatthis is not something that my

(04:21):
partner and I did.
And that's because I don't havecontact with my parents and.
With her parents, it justhonestly would have been weird
and probably would have turnedout for the worse.
So.
It's not something that wepersonally did or walked
through.
And so.
I'm actually rerecording thisepisode because I really wanted
to get insight from those of youin the community to share your

(04:46):
experiences, your thoughts onit.
But before I dive into that, Idid just want to lay the
groundwork for this wholeconversation.
Right.
Because now it's It's a thing,but where did that thing come
from?
And.
So essentially.
This tradition is.
Does go back a very long way.

(05:08):
And it's.
It's basically a tied to womenbeing seen as a form of
property.
And essentially there needed tobe a deal or dowery or something
along those lines negotiatedbetween two men to figure out if
the marriage was suitable.
And just a lot of themes ofessentially making sure that the

(05:28):
daughter was going to be takencare of and protected and
cherish and all of that, which.
Even just those seams on theirown, I think can be seen as a
little bit outdated.
Right.
Because.
It's a partnership for a reason.
There shouldn't necessarily be.
Somebody in the relationshipthat is above the other and

(05:51):
therefore needs to solely defendthat person.
Right.
So there's a lot of things aboutthis tradition that.
Around way far back that.
Do have some pretty mess up tiesjust in terms of.
Nowadays it's very much seen aslike a gesture, right?
Like it's a gesture of respectto the parents.

(06:15):
Some people may see it as likeromantic or.
That kind of thing, but ithasn't always just been a
gesture.
And I do think that.
While.
Mostly here in America.
It's the gesture.
I do think that they're stillfaith communities and very
traditional cultures andpractices that see it more as.

(06:37):
Requirement.
Or very strongly suggested.
So.
All that assist say, like, Ijust wanted to give a refresh on
like where this whole questionis even coming from.
Because.
Yeah, it's been going on for along time.
So.
With all of that in mind, Iwanted to ask you all what your

(07:00):
experience and thoughts were onit.
And, oh my goodness.
You all have some thoughts?
Like, I think.
Out of all the things I've askedand shared on my social
channels.
Like this is something that hasby far gotten one of the most.
Just like biggest responsesbecause.
Yeah.
And it's very clear thateverybody has.

(07:24):
Very much like differentexperiences, their own
perspective on it.
So I'm going to go through andread some of y'all's responses.
Just to keep everything superanonymous.
I'm not going to say names orpronouns.
I'm just going to keepeverything super read some of
both sides and then we'll gofrom there.
So.
Are gonna start out with.

(07:46):
For contacts.
We both proposed, we each spokewith each other's families ahead
of time, but more so told themour proposal ideas and asked
what they thought of our plansinstead of asking permission.
They were all thrilled for us.
When I talked to their dad, itwas the first time I saw him
cry.
Happy tears.
The idea of asking permission asif we were our parents'

(08:08):
property, you really didn't jivewith us.
So we felt good about goingabout it in this way.
I think that's super cool.
Essentially saying that like, Wewere more so like, asserting
like, Hey, this is going tohappen.
But if you would like to beinvolved and have ideas, I'm all
ears.

(08:28):
So.
Love that.
We also have Nope.
Blank told their parents it wascoming.
And I didn't say anything untilafter we discussed it and it
just didn't feel right.
We'd both met each other'sfamilies, but asking for
permission, felt like it wastaking away from our own agency.
So I think there's like quite afew messages like this, the idea

(08:53):
of like taking away from yourown agency, which I'm also like,
yeah.
So much power to you all like.
At the end of the day.
It is just you too, and I'mhoping that's the world that
we're living in now, or you'recreating as we speak of.
It's, it is a partnershipbetween the two of you or,

(09:15):
potentially other people ifyou're in a non-monogamous
relationship, but.
So I'll just read a couple otherresponses along those same lines
of Nope.
We had discussed it and feltlike in archaic tradition and
not important to us.
Also, no, my fiance is no one'spreoperative property and they

(09:35):
can make their own decisions.
So.
Like I said, lots of strongopinions, lots of different
ideas.
No, but I considered it.
I asked my partner what theywanted and they said no to the
tradition.
So I love that too.
I think.
That's a really common themehere too, is that it really
seems like a point ofdiscussion, which I just think

(09:58):
is really cool.
Whereas.
In the past, it was just assumedlike, Okay, well, You can't even
really ask me what I think isyou got to talk to my dad first.
Like, no, I think it's super,super cool that you all are,
have been discussing it.
And I think that's the biggestthing, right?
Let's read a couple of otherones here.

(10:20):
Got just a bunch of just no orno periods.
And then we got a, we gavenotice as a couple, but I didn't
ask individually because itwould have been a no from the
parents, which.
This is the same with me.
So I feel, yeah.
So throw out there.
We also have a, because of mypast with my career

(10:40):
relationships and my family, Iasked my partner not to ask.
We didn't, we thought that thisis our private relationship and
the only person I really neededto ask is them.
So.
Yeah, I think there's definitelylots of themes of that.
Just so like it's between us,it's something that like, We

(11:01):
discussed and it wasn't atradition.
That felt applicable orenjoyable for us.
However, I did also want toshare some of the responses that
were on the opposite, justbecause.
I think it's really great to seeand hear from both sides.
So.
A couple of, you said yes, Iasked.

(11:21):
Both parents.
And we had a super meaningfulconversation.
So, again, even that is like asuper simple thing of being
like, Hey, I want to talk toboth parents and not just make
this like a dad thing.
Like.
Dad owning.
Daughter, like, yeah, I thinkthat's.
That's a super cool way tochange the tradition.

(11:42):
We also have a.
I did.
It just felt right for me to doso, not to be traditional, but
just so happy that we did.
I did.
I centered the conversation onfuture plans and my why of
marrying her.
So, I mean, Again, like, I thinkthat's really cool if you can.

(12:03):
Obviously like there is anelement here of.
Parents caring for children andwanting them to be happy and
feel taken care of in arelationship.
So I think that is.
If we're keeping a general,that's like a super great thing,
right?
Just.
Wanting to make sure that yourkids are taken care of.

(12:24):
And if that's what it's aboutand.
You talked to both parents andit can be that way.
That's awesome.
I love that.
There's also a couple of peoplejust basically being like my
partner plans on asking and asksthat I asked their parents.
Yes, it just felt right to me.
I told them I had to come overto discuss birthday plans, but I

(12:44):
lied.
I love that.
Yes.
We have another, yes.
I asked permission of all theimmediate family.
I think that's actually reallycute.
Like.
I feel like that's more so justlike, Hey, like, I want to be in
your life and I want to be intheir life for forever.
And like, is it cool if I joinedyour family?

(13:06):
I think that's super cute.
I love that.
There's another one.
That's kinda like my fans, theyasked but more so gave them the
heads up as to what washappening.
I can really appreciate thattoo.
Like if your family is cool andsupportive, but don't
necessarily want to have thatconversation, I feel like just.

(13:26):
Letting them know as a cool wayfor them to still feel like
involved and they get to feellike they're in, on the secret
without it having to be aconversation centered around
permission.
Last one I wanted to share was,I did ask my partner's parents,
but I think this stems from myown culture being Mexican.
So again, that's super awesome.

(13:47):
Like if it's something that is.
Part of you and like part ofculture that is amazing.
Especially if, again, it feelslike something that can.
Maybe just feel more neutral ormore family members are
involved.
I think that's super, supergreat.
So.
Thank you all so much forsharing your insights and your

(14:09):
own personal experiences withme.
I think it's so insightful tolearn from all of you and.
Yeah, that's the gist of thispodcast.
Like there's no way for there tobe one right or wrong answer
here.
I think that the biggest thingis that this tradition just
really means to fully shift awayfrom there being any kind of

(14:33):
ownership.
Like, or a transferring ofownership.
That's just, that needs to gobecause I think that's harmful
and.
I would hope that peopleentering into a marriage.
Feel like their own individualpeople who are capable of making
their own healthy decisions forthem.
So I think the biggest thing isthat.

(14:57):
For those who still want toparticipate and.
Kind of honor that tradition,maybe just think about ways that
it can feel shifted away fromthat power dynamic or the
dynamics of.
Permission and more so beinglike, Hey, we want to be in each
other's lives.
Like, is it cool if I join alongwith your family?

(15:21):
But I think at the end of theday, it's really up to you as a
couple.
I think it's something thatreally.
Needs to be discussed ahead oftime because how your partner
feels about that is superimportant too, right?
You wouldn't want to go talk totheir parents behind their back
without them knowing.
And it ended up being.
Something that they reallydidn't want either to, and So

(15:44):
the biggest thing is I thinkjust shifting in a way from any
kind of property or ownershipand maybe just more so.
In a mutual invitation to eachother and maybe just letting the
parents feel that special momentof getting to know that their
child is about to be super happyand.
Things like that.
So, that is all I have for you.

(16:07):
If you have not yet talked toyour partner about this maybe
I'll can have a fun little chatafter this, then.
Check in with each other, but Ithink it's just something really
interesting to think aboutbecause we are so far removed
from that time period where.
It was an actual requirement anda dowery and all of that.
That is the last episode of2023, which is insane.

(16:31):
But.
Thank you again so much forlistening, for joining along
with me this past year, I'mwishing you all a fantastic new
years.
Stay safe, make a choices.
And I.
I will see you all.
In 2024.
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