January 26, 2024 • 21 mins
Moral of the story here is that it's a little different from everyone. BUT! There's certainly nuances and things that lgbtq+ couples may have to think through that no one else does and it's important to call those out and have conversation. I hope you enjoy!
Sources:
Vogue
The Knot
Human Rights Campaign
BBC
Science Direct
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (00:01):
We dearly beloved welcome back to
this week's episode.
I hope you are all doing well.
And that the start of your 2024has been.
Going amazing.
It's crazy that.
We're basically already one 12thof the way through the year.
So.
That's always fun to thinkabout, but.
(00:22):
Yes, I hope at the end of theday, everything's been off to a
great start for you.
And.
If goals and or resolutions areyour thing, that those are going
well.
And if they're not then great,you do you.
You're amazing as is.
So, yeah.
I am very excited to chat aboutthis topic.
(00:45):
Although I do think that it canbe a little bit tricky and
nuanced.
So I want to just keep that inmind throughout the entirety.
Of this week's episode.
I think anytime you talk aboutlike finances and budgeting and
all of that big thing, bigfeelings can come up on top of
the fact that.
(01:06):
Of course, this is alreadynuanced because I think things
just can look and operatedifferently naturally within the
queer community.
So just wanting to kind of putthat out there that I think this
episode.
Is going to maybe hit everybodya little bit differently, but
(01:27):
I'm hoping that it just gives.
Queer couples and particularthings to chat about with each
other and maybe within theirsupport networks.
And for those that are outsideof the queer community, that it
just kind of gives you.
And unique and interestingperspective when thinking about.
Maybe you working with yourqueer clients and, and how this
(01:50):
could look differently for them.
So.
Yeah, I just, I was actuallythinking about this the other
day, because I remember.
I was in like 10th grade when myoldest sibling got married,
which was kind of the big, firstwedding experience I really had.
(02:11):
And at the time they wereactually living in New York.
And planning for the wedding tobe back in Minnesota.
And I remember that being thecase because There.
Now a mother-in-law was sayingthat, you know, it's tradition
for.
The bride, which that term nolonger applies, but the bride to
(02:33):
get married in her hometown.
And I just remember there beinga lot of phone calls between her
and my mom about all of thesekinds of rules and regulations
that applied to the wedding and.
You know, the bride's mom issupposed to do this and the
groom is supposed to do that.
And.
I just remember thinking it wasall very interesting.
(02:55):
Like I had, that was the firsttime that I was really exposed
to that.
And I thought it was sointeresting that there were so
many.
Different boxes to check oneither side.
And that, that was just what youwere supposed to do.
Like, I was like, I justremember being like, wow.
Huh?
Had no idea that they were thiscomplicated.
Fast forward, you know, 10 yearslater.
(03:16):
And I'm well aware that weddingscan be super complicated in a
lot of ways.
But, yeah, I was just thinkingabout that and then thinking
about how, obviously there's noold traditions or customs to
rely on for queer couples tohave those kinds of.
Conversations with theirfamilies.
And so again, with thedisclaimer, I'm not necessarily
(03:39):
about these old traditions andcustoms.
Like to me, I do think that thisconversation is really honestly
unique and.
You know, it should be.
The conversation really has tobe.
Based on the couple that'sgetting married and their
particular situation and theirparticular family situation.
(04:03):
And so.
I do think that there issomething interesting to be said
about like where thesetraditions come from and what
they are.
So I want them to just touch onthat before kind of.
Moving into what conversationscan look like for the LGBTQ
community.
So.
(04:24):
And a lot of my research.
The bride's family and kind ofhis quote, unquote, both to pay
for the wedding or majority ofthe wedding.
And a lot of that is justthought to yet, again, be tied
to.
The dowery and the father havingto kind of pay for that.
And so naturally he would sortof just pay for the wedding as
(04:44):
well.
And when I was doing otherresearch kind of looking for
exactly what things are supposedto be split, it did seem like
there was a little bit ofvariation in terms of like what
the groom's family pays forversus the bride.
But overall it does look like.
The bride's family pays for alot of the bag, like wedding
(05:04):
things like invitations.
Flowers, ceremony stuff.
A lot of vendors,transportation.
Photographers things like that.
Whereas it seemed more like thegroom's family would pay for
like, The reception pieces, theDJ, the alcohol, and usually
they're the ones who are incharge of planning and paying
(05:26):
for the rehearsal dinner.
Or the groom dinner as.
A lot of people.
So call it.
So that was kind of just likethe overall big traditional
split.
So.
That is shifting a little bit,these days.
The not data study and kind offound out that it's looking more
(05:46):
50, 50 these days where 49% ofcouples are paying for their
wedding.
And then the family is payingthe rest.
So about 51%.
So it is kind of cool to seethat there is even just sort of
that shift happening.
Of.
Of course, like if your parentscan pay for it and they're on
board for you getting to havethe day you want, like great.
(06:10):
You do that SIS, but.
If that's not the case, which Idon't think it's the case for a
lot of folks, then.
I just think it's cool thatthere's even that room to kind
of change the expectation of howand what things are being paid
for.
So obviously those things.
Don't apply to queer couples.
(06:31):
If there's not one bride in onegroom.
I think really the idea here isthat.
There's just.
No framework.
Like I could easily see Likeeven if a queer couple has super
supportive parents.
I could see the mom, you know,at midnight being like, what,
what am I Googling?
(06:52):
Like, what am I supposed to bepaying for?
If my daughter is marrying awoman unit.
Like I could totally see that inmy head and having no framework
to go off of that for And sothink.
I think it's just like a, thisis a necessary conversation.
(07:12):
To be had, because I think.
That it can feel a little bitscary.
Well, I think in general, thisconversation can feel scary,
right?
Like talking about money orcontributions or things like
that can already feel a littlebit intimidating, but then the
added factor of like, I don'teven know like what we're
supposed to be talking to ourparents about.
(07:34):
And so again, I think that it'ssuper goes back to like every
couple needs to have a chat witheach other about their own
family dynamics and what theirsupport systems looked like.
And so I did actually reallywant to, once again, pull from
my community.
And so I asked.
All of my followers, if for thequeer folks here.
(07:58):
Who have gotten married or areactively planning what that sort
of looked like for you as far ashow contributions went.
And it does reflect this ideathat.
It's so different for everybodybecause there was such a wide
variety of answers.
Everything from.
The dollar amount or, or nodollars that were contributed.
(08:21):
There were so many differentresponses.
And so I think that just goes toshow that.
It's.
As I said before, like it'stotally unique to each queer
couple.
But I think that thisconversation needs to go a
little bit beyond that.
Go beyond just like assigningroles and like assigning another
(08:43):
set of boxes for parents orsupport for years to be put
into.
But I think it's reallyimportant to call out that this
conversation.
Is different.
Not only because the peoplegetting married are in a
different kind of relationship,but also because support for
queer couples can look entirelydifferent than what it can look
(09:06):
like for CIS straight couples.
In that either one.
They may not have any supportfrom their family or community.
I think that's the sad realityfor a lot of folks that there's
just, no, there's nowhere toturn.
If they do want to get married.
They may just not have people intheir life that want to support.
(09:30):
And or if they do have support,it's not necessarily from people
that are in a position tofinancially contribute like
that.
Additionally, when I wasresearching for this episode, I
w I wanted to do a little bit ofdigging and just kind of see.
I think this could be like awhole other side tangent or a
whole other episode, but I haveheard this idea.
(09:54):
That sometimes, you know, thequeer community is a
marginalized group.
And I wanted to see if that hadany sort of effect on.
Income gaps or the amount ofmoney that queer couples on
average were making, becausethat can make a big difference
on how paying for your weddinggoes to right.
(10:16):
So.
I have a ton of resources that Ifound that I will be linking in
the show notes to a couple ofdifferent studies.
But I did want to read somethingthat I wanted to read something
that is a part of the study thatthe human rights campaign did.
So they say our analysis ofsalary data from almost 7,000
(10:38):
LGBTQ plus full-time workersfound that LGBTQ plus workers
earn approximately 89 cents forevery dollar earned in the week
by the typical worker in the us.
Disparities we're even morepronounced for LGBTQ women,
transgender men and women andLGBTQ people of color.
Though we did not assess theunderlying reasons for this
(11:00):
disparity.
It is likely that discriminationis playing a role.
One-third of LGBTQ workers.
Say they have experienceddiscrimination in the workplace.
With 29% of LGBTQ people, 37%black respondents, and more than
half of transgender respondents.
Say this discrimination hadsignificantly impacted their
(11:22):
financial wellbeing.
So, and other studies too, therewere things mentioned that.
Those that I identified as LGBTQor queer.
We're less likely to graduatehigh school or attend further
education than their straightpeers.
And so I think that's justreally important to call out
(11:43):
right.
That there are other factors.
That can sometimes be workingagainst the community.
That make paying for bank thingslike weddings, even harder.
And I think that just, yeah, itjust needs to be called out.
I just think it's such like abig and important conversation
to be had because.
For, for folks like us in thecommunity, not only is it sort
(12:06):
of that initial fear of notknowing if parents or support
people will be willing tocontribute, but on top of that,
there's just, there can be somany other factors working
against them.
And this is all on top of, tothe stress and the pressure of.
Inquiring with vendors andtrying to figure out if it
(12:29):
vendors are friendly andaccepting.
Right.
So there's just so many things.
That can be a factor for stresswhen planning your wedding.
I think for those of youlistening that are outside of
the community, I just hope thatyou walk away understanding that
there are, there are extrabarriers and extra stressors.
(12:49):
For queer couples in planningtheir wedding.
And I hope that you can justshow up with a little bit of
extra kindness and understandingand compassion for these
couples, knowing that.
There may be so many otherthings going on.
And for those that don't have todeal with these extra nuances
(13:09):
and things like that, just.
You got a good I'm jealous.
But yeah, I think it's just a,it's a really, really important
thing to be thinking about.
Because.
Yeah, it's, it's already such ahard conversation.
And when you have all of thesethings kind of working against
you, that can make it even morestressful and intimidating.
(13:32):
So given that there are so manynuances and things that may
apply to queer couples, I justfelt it was an important to call
this out because.
I wanted to let those of you inthe community know that you are
not alone.
And I also wanted to give yousome ideas of ways for, you
know, alternative support andthings like that.
So for those listening who don'thave support, maybe it's
(13:55):
because, you know, people.
Don't agree or don't supportwith your quote unquote
lifestyle, whatever it may be,or maybe you do have support,
but the people in your life justaren't in a position to.
Support you financially.
I think that it's really cooland awesome to involve people
still, because then you stillget some amount of help and it
(14:17):
still makes them feel like theyare supporting you.
And they're actively being apart of your life.
And so.
Just some alternative ideas Ihad was that, you know, you
could invite people to help youwith things like.
Making the decor or signage orany of those DIY projects you
have to do, or you can invitethem into helping you set up
(14:38):
your day.
Set up that same day course setup the tables, help you make
bouquets, whatever, whateverthose kinds of things rope them
into that.
Maybe they can also just be anemotional support person for you
when you feel stressed.
In the midst of planning,everything, you know, maybe
there's someone that's justthere that you can call when
you're like.
(14:59):
This is so much, and they can bethere to listen to you event.
And.
They could also be somebody thathelps you figure out if vendors
are LGBTQ plus affirming.
And be ready to beat up anyonewho isn't just kidding.
This is a non violent podcast,but also not really kidding that
(15:20):
much.
But I do know that there is thatelement of like, You know how
sometimes it's like easy toorder.
It's easier to order someoneelse's food at a restaurant than
it is your own.
Or like, it's easy to ask aquestion that doesn't pertain to
you the whole, like asking for afriend thing, you know, so maybe
you can be that person for thequeer people in your life.
(15:42):
Just like.
Ascot.
You know, do the research foryour friends or reach out to the
vendors.
On behalf of your friends, sothat in the event that they
aren't LGBTQ friendly, like theactual people getting married,
don't have to take that blow.
And the last idea that I had wasmaybe there, you and your
(16:02):
partner can discuss thepossibility of having some sort
of crowdfunding.
I know that has become a littlebit more popular over the years.
I've seen people do it for theirhoneymoon, which I think is
great.
Like people could contribute toa honeymoon.
I think it's also, I have seen afew queer couples do this.
But they have it go to like ababy fund.
(16:24):
So that one there.
Are starting to plan theirfamily, maybe looking at
adoption or surrogacy or IVF orall those different things.
The crowdfund goes to that, ormaybe it's, you know, for a
future home that can help startyour next chapter.
Things like that.
I think those are really awesomeways that are like, Super like
super practical, but also justlike.
(16:47):
An amazing way to show support.
So definitely discuss what thatcould look like for you guys.
And at the end of the day, Likeweddings can just be something
that costs.
They do cost a lot of money.
I think the national average isstill something between like 30
and$50,000 per wedding.
So just make sure that you andyour partner partner are
(17:09):
chatting and connecting on whatmakes sense for you to pitch
into your own wedding.
And then it's things that alignwith you and make you truly feel
excited about your day.
Whether it's something reallybig or something really small or
in between whatever it.
It is.
I just hope that you two feelreally great about it.
The very last thing that Iwanted to say.
(17:31):
Before kind of wrapping thisconversation up on money, was
that.
There is another form of nuancein this conversation that I just
want couples to be aware of.
When you are talking withparents or other support people.
About financial contributions.
If the supplies.
I encourage you to really try tobe super open and honest with
(17:55):
them.
Because unfortunately,sometimes.
If money is being gifted to youor given to you, it can come
with strings attached orexpectations as far as what to
do with that money.
Which I know some people mayfind very reasonable and not to
say that it's like entirelyunreasonable.
(18:15):
Just to say, like, please besuper open and honest with those
people as far as what thatmeans, because.
I don't want those, thoseexpectations or those strings
that are attached to that moneyto be things that.
Ultimately, it could be unsafeor hurtful to who you are and
who you love.
You know, like, just forexample, the, the kind of, of,
(18:38):
of officiant that.
Your parents may expect you tohave, or if they give you money,
then they expect you to getmarried at a church or
institution that feels scary orharmful to you.
Or they want you to hire thisone vendor that they think is
perfect for you, but maybedoesn't have the same values as
you, those kinds of things.
(18:59):
So, I just want you to be surethat you're being super open and
honest.
With those people who are givingcontributions and, and seeing
what those expectations are andmaking sure that they aren't
going to be harmful to you inthe long run.
So.
In wrapping up the conversation.
I know that weddings can bestressful.
And I hope that this episodedidn't add more stress, but if
(19:21):
it did I truly apologize andjust take a second to.
Take a deep breath.
And know that it's all gonna beokay.
And really, I'm just hoping thatthis episode opens up bigger
conversations about how we can.
Support fellow queer folks.
Who may have different amountsof support in their life?
(19:44):
Around their wedding season.
And also that it just opens upreally great conversation
between the queer folks who arelistening with you and your
partner.
What support is going to looklike for you?
And, and how you want to involvepeople in your day that are, or
not contributing financially.
So.
Thank you to everybody whoshared your experience with me.
(20:06):
That was super awesome.
I know it can be vulnerable todo that.
And.
Yeah, that is all I have for youguys this week.
And I am so excited to keepconnecting with you all next
week.
We dearly beloved welcome back to
this week's episode.
I hope you are all doing well.
And that the start of your 2024has been.
Going amazing.
It's crazy that.
We're basically already one 12thof the way through the year.
So.
That's always fun to thinkabout, but.
(00:22):
Yes, I hope at the end of theday, everything's been off to a
great start for you.
And.
If goals and or resolutions areyour thing, that those are going
well.
And if they're not then great,you do you.
You're amazing as is.
So, yeah.
I am very excited to chat aboutthis topic.
(00:45):
Although I do think that it canbe a little bit tricky and
nuanced.
So I want to just keep that inmind throughout the entirety.
Of this week's episode.
I think anytime you talk aboutlike finances and budgeting and
all of that big thing, bigfeelings can come up on top of
the fact that.
(01:06):
Of course, this is alreadynuanced because I think things
just can look and operatedifferently naturally within the
queer community.
So just wanting to kind of putthat out there that I think this
episode.
Is going to maybe hit everybodya little bit differently, but
(01:27):
I'm hoping that it just gives.
Queer couples and particularthings to chat about with each
other and maybe within theirsupport networks.
And for those that are outsideof the queer community, that it
just kind of gives you.
And unique and interestingperspective when thinking about.
Maybe you working with yourqueer clients and, and how this
(01:50):
could look differently for them.
So.
Yeah, I just, I was actuallythinking about this the other
day, because I remember.
I was in like 10th grade when myoldest sibling got married,
which was kind of the big, firstwedding experience I really had.
(02:11):
And at the time they wereactually living in New York.
And planning for the wedding tobe back in Minnesota.
And I remember that being thecase because There.
Now a mother-in-law was sayingthat, you know, it's tradition
for.
The bride, which that term nolonger applies, but the bride to
(02:33):
get married in her hometown.
And I just remember there beinga lot of phone calls between her
and my mom about all of thesekinds of rules and regulations
that applied to the wedding and.
You know, the bride's mom issupposed to do this and the
groom is supposed to do that.
And.
I just remember thinking it wasall very interesting.
(02:55):
Like I had, that was the firsttime that I was really exposed
to that.
And I thought it was sointeresting that there were so
many.
Different boxes to check oneither side.
And that, that was just what youwere supposed to do.
Like, I was like, I justremember being like, wow.
Huh?
Had no idea that they were thiscomplicated.
Fast forward, you know, 10 yearslater.
(03:16):
And I'm well aware that weddingscan be super complicated in a
lot of ways.
But, yeah, I was just thinkingabout that and then thinking
about how, obviously there's noold traditions or customs to
rely on for queer couples tohave those kinds of.
Conversations with theirfamilies.
And so again, with thedisclaimer, I'm not necessarily
(03:39):
about these old traditions andcustoms.
Like to me, I do think that thisconversation is really honestly
unique and.
You know, it should be.
The conversation really has tobe.
Based on the couple that'sgetting married and their
particular situation and theirparticular family situation.
(04:03):
And so.
I do think that there issomething interesting to be said
about like where thesetraditions come from and what
they are.
So I want them to just touch onthat before kind of.
Moving into what conversationscan look like for the LGBTQ
community.
So.
(04:24):
And a lot of my research.
The bride's family and kind ofhis quote, unquote, both to pay
for the wedding or majority ofthe wedding.
And a lot of that is justthought to yet, again, be tied
to.
The dowery and the father havingto kind of pay for that.
And so naturally he would sortof just pay for the wedding as
(04:44):
well.
And when I was doing otherresearch kind of looking for
exactly what things are supposedto be split, it did seem like
there was a little bit ofvariation in terms of like what
the groom's family pays forversus the bride.
But overall it does look like.
The bride's family pays for alot of the bag, like wedding
(05:04):
things like invitations.
Flowers, ceremony stuff.
A lot of vendors,transportation.
Photographers things like that.
Whereas it seemed more like thegroom's family would pay for
like, The reception pieces, theDJ, the alcohol, and usually
they're the ones who are incharge of planning and paying
(05:26):
for the rehearsal dinner.
Or the groom dinner as.
A lot of people.
So call it.
So that was kind of just likethe overall big traditional
split.
So.
That is shifting a little bit,these days.
The not data study and kind offound out that it's looking more
(05:46):
50, 50 these days where 49% ofcouples are paying for their
wedding.
And then the family is payingthe rest.
So about 51%.
So it is kind of cool to seethat there is even just sort of
that shift happening.
Of.
Of course, like if your parentscan pay for it and they're on
board for you getting to havethe day you want, like great.
(06:10):
You do that SIS, but.
If that's not the case, which Idon't think it's the case for a
lot of folks, then.
I just think it's cool thatthere's even that room to kind
of change the expectation of howand what things are being paid
for.
So obviously those things.
Don't apply to queer couples.
(06:31):
If there's not one bride in onegroom.
I think really the idea here isthat.
There's just.
No framework.
Like I could easily see Likeeven if a queer couple has super
supportive parents.
I could see the mom, you know,at midnight being like, what,
what am I Googling?
(06:52):
Like, what am I supposed to bepaying for?
If my daughter is marrying awoman unit.
Like I could totally see that inmy head and having no framework
to go off of that for And sothink.
I think it's just like a, thisis a necessary conversation.
(07:12):
To be had, because I think.
That it can feel a little bitscary.
Well, I think in general, thisconversation can feel scary,
right?
Like talking about money orcontributions or things like
that can already feel a littlebit intimidating, but then the
added factor of like, I don'teven know like what we're
supposed to be talking to ourparents about.
(07:34):
And so again, I think that it'ssuper goes back to like every
couple needs to have a chat witheach other about their own
family dynamics and what theirsupport systems looked like.
And so I did actually reallywant to, once again, pull from
my community.
And so I asked.
All of my followers, if for thequeer folks here.
(07:58):
Who have gotten married or areactively planning what that sort
of looked like for you as far ashow contributions went.
And it does reflect this ideathat.
It's so different for everybodybecause there was such a wide
variety of answers.
Everything from.
The dollar amount or, or nodollars that were contributed.
(08:21):
There were so many differentresponses.
And so I think that just goes toshow that.
It's.
As I said before, like it'stotally unique to each queer
couple.
But I think that thisconversation needs to go a
little bit beyond that.
Go beyond just like assigningroles and like assigning another
(08:43):
set of boxes for parents orsupport for years to be put
into.
But I think it's reallyimportant to call out that this
conversation.
Is different.
Not only because the peoplegetting married are in a
different kind of relationship,but also because support for
queer couples can look entirelydifferent than what it can look
(09:06):
like for CIS straight couples.
In that either one.
They may not have any supportfrom their family or community.
I think that's the sad realityfor a lot of folks that there's
just, no, there's nowhere toturn.
If they do want to get married.
They may just not have people intheir life that want to support.
(09:30):
And or if they do have support,it's not necessarily from people
that are in a position tofinancially contribute like
that.
Additionally, when I wasresearching for this episode, I
w I wanted to do a little bit ofdigging and just kind of see.
I think this could be like awhole other side tangent or a
whole other episode, but I haveheard this idea.
(09:54):
That sometimes, you know, thequeer community is a
marginalized group.
And I wanted to see if that hadany sort of effect on.
Income gaps or the amount ofmoney that queer couples on
average were making, becausethat can make a big difference
on how paying for your weddinggoes to right.
(10:16):
So.
I have a ton of resources that Ifound that I will be linking in
the show notes to a couple ofdifferent studies.
But I did want to read somethingthat I wanted to read something
that is a part of the study thatthe human rights campaign did.
So they say our analysis ofsalary data from almost 7,000
(10:38):
LGBTQ plus full-time workersfound that LGBTQ plus workers
earn approximately 89 cents forevery dollar earned in the week
by the typical worker in the us.
Disparities we're even morepronounced for LGBTQ women,
transgender men and women andLGBTQ people of color.
Though we did not assess theunderlying reasons for this
(11:00):
disparity.
It is likely that discriminationis playing a role.
One-third of LGBTQ workers.
Say they have experienceddiscrimination in the workplace.
With 29% of LGBTQ people, 37%black respondents, and more than
half of transgender respondents.
Say this discrimination hadsignificantly impacted their
(11:22):
financial wellbeing.
So, and other studies too, therewere things mentioned that.
Those that I identified as LGBTQor queer.
We're less likely to graduatehigh school or attend further
education than their straightpeers.
And so I think that's justreally important to call out
(11:43):
right.
That there are other factors.
That can sometimes be workingagainst the community.
That make paying for bank thingslike weddings, even harder.
And I think that just, yeah, itjust needs to be called out.
I just think it's such like abig and important conversation
to be had because.
For, for folks like us in thecommunity, not only is it sort
(12:06):
of that initial fear of notknowing if parents or support
people will be willing tocontribute, but on top of that,
there's just, there can be somany other factors working
against them.
And this is all on top of, tothe stress and the pressure of.
Inquiring with vendors andtrying to figure out if it
(12:29):
vendors are friendly andaccepting.
Right.
So there's just so many things.
That can be a factor for stresswhen planning your wedding.
I think for those of youlistening that are outside of
the community, I just hope thatyou walk away understanding that
there are, there are extrabarriers and extra stressors.
(12:49):
For queer couples in planningtheir wedding.
And I hope that you can justshow up with a little bit of
extra kindness and understandingand compassion for these
couples, knowing that.
There may be so many otherthings going on.
And for those that don't have todeal with these extra nuances
(13:09):
and things like that, just.
You got a good I'm jealous.
But yeah, I think it's just a,it's a really, really important
thing to be thinking about.
Because.
Yeah, it's, it's already such ahard conversation.
And when you have all of thesethings kind of working against
you, that can make it even morestressful and intimidating.
(13:32):
So given that there are so manynuances and things that may
apply to queer couples, I justfelt it was an important to call
this out because.
I wanted to let those of you inthe community know that you are
not alone.
And I also wanted to give yousome ideas of ways for, you
know, alternative support andthings like that.
So for those listening who don'thave support, maybe it's
(13:55):
because, you know, people.
Don't agree or don't supportwith your quote unquote
lifestyle, whatever it may be,or maybe you do have support,
but the people in your life justaren't in a position to.
Support you financially.
I think that it's really cooland awesome to involve people
still, because then you stillget some amount of help and it
(14:17):
still makes them feel like theyare supporting you.
And they're actively being apart of your life.
And so.
Just some alternative ideas Ihad was that, you know, you
could invite people to help youwith things like.
Making the decor or signage orany of those DIY projects you
have to do, or you can invitethem into helping you set up
(14:38):
your day.
Set up that same day course setup the tables, help you make
bouquets, whatever, whateverthose kinds of things rope them
into that.
Maybe they can also just be anemotional support person for you
when you feel stressed.
In the midst of planning,everything, you know, maybe
there's someone that's justthere that you can call when
you're like.
(14:59):
This is so much, and they can bethere to listen to you event.
And.
They could also be somebody thathelps you figure out if vendors
are LGBTQ plus affirming.
And be ready to beat up anyonewho isn't just kidding.
This is a non violent podcast,but also not really kidding that
(15:20):
much.
But I do know that there is thatelement of like, You know how
sometimes it's like easy toorder.
It's easier to order someoneelse's food at a restaurant than
it is your own.
Or like, it's easy to ask aquestion that doesn't pertain to
you the whole, like asking for afriend thing, you know, so maybe
you can be that person for thequeer people in your life.
(15:42):
Just like.
Ascot.
You know, do the research foryour friends or reach out to the
vendors.
On behalf of your friends, sothat in the event that they
aren't LGBTQ friendly, like theactual people getting married,
don't have to take that blow.
And the last idea that I had wasmaybe there, you and your
(16:02):
partner can discuss thepossibility of having some sort
of crowdfunding.
I know that has become a littlebit more popular over the years.
I've seen people do it for theirhoneymoon, which I think is
great.
Like people could contribute toa honeymoon.
I think it's also, I have seen afew queer couples do this.
But they have it go to like ababy fund.
(16:24):
So that one there.
Are starting to plan theirfamily, maybe looking at
adoption or surrogacy or IVF orall those different things.
The crowdfund goes to that, ormaybe it's, you know, for a
future home that can help startyour next chapter.
Things like that.
I think those are really awesomeways that are like, Super like
super practical, but also justlike.
(16:47):
An amazing way to show support.
So definitely discuss what thatcould look like for you guys.
And at the end of the day, Likeweddings can just be something
that costs.
They do cost a lot of money.
I think the national average isstill something between like 30
and$50,000 per wedding.
So just make sure that you andyour partner partner are
(17:09):
chatting and connecting on whatmakes sense for you to pitch
into your own wedding.
And then it's things that alignwith you and make you truly feel
excited about your day.
Whether it's something reallybig or something really small or
in between whatever it.
It is.
I just hope that you two feelreally great about it.
The very last thing that Iwanted to say.
(17:31):
Before kind of wrapping thisconversation up on money, was
that.
There is another form of nuancein this conversation that I just
want couples to be aware of.
When you are talking withparents or other support people.
About financial contributions.
If the supplies.
I encourage you to really try tobe super open and honest with
(17:55):
them.
Because unfortunately,sometimes.
If money is being gifted to youor given to you, it can come
with strings attached orexpectations as far as what to
do with that money.
Which I know some people mayfind very reasonable and not to
say that it's like entirelyunreasonable.
(18:15):
Just to say, like, please besuper open and honest with those
people as far as what thatmeans, because.
I don't want those, thoseexpectations or those strings
that are attached to that moneyto be things that.
Ultimately, it could be unsafeor hurtful to who you are and
who you love.
You know, like, just forexample, the, the kind of, of,
(18:38):
of officiant that.
Your parents may expect you tohave, or if they give you money,
then they expect you to getmarried at a church or
institution that feels scary orharmful to you.
Or they want you to hire thisone vendor that they think is
perfect for you, but maybedoesn't have the same values as
you, those kinds of things.
(18:59):
So, I just want you to be surethat you're being super open and
honest.
With those people who are givingcontributions and, and seeing
what those expectations are andmaking sure that they aren't
going to be harmful to you inthe long run.
So.
In wrapping up the conversation.
I know that weddings can bestressful.
And I hope that this episodedidn't add more stress, but if
(19:21):
it did I truly apologize andjust take a second to.
Take a deep breath.
And know that it's all gonna beokay.
And really, I'm just hoping thatthis episode opens up bigger
conversations about how we can.
Support fellow queer folks.
Who may have different amountsof support in their life?
(19:44):
Around their wedding season.
And also that it just opens upreally great conversation
between the queer folks who arelistening with you and your
partner.
What support is going to looklike for you?
And, and how you want to involvepeople in your day that are, or
not contributing financially.
So.
Thank you to everybody whoshared your experience with me.
(20:06):
That was super awesome.
I know it can be vulnerable todo that.
And.
Yeah, that is all I have for youguys this week.
And I am so excited to keepconnecting with you all next
week.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.