July 16, 2024 • 35 mins
Why does being blocked or unfriended online sting so much? In this episode of Redefining Normal, Jamie recounts a personal experience of being blocked by a friend without any explanation, shedding light on the emotional turmoil and the unsettling lack of accountability in social media interactions. We unravel how this throwaway culture, where relationships can be casually discarded, affects our emotional well-being and the importance of addressing conflicts directly.
Rejection and abandonment are primal fears that still hold power over us, and we explore these in detail. Through personal stories and client experiences, we highlight the necessity of self-inquiry and integrity when dealing with the pain of being blocked or unfriended. By examining these emotions, we uncover valuable life lessons and reinforce the concept that every closed door can lead to new opportunities. This honest discussion not only touches on self-worth but also emphasizes personal growth through adversity.
Painful experiences, no matter how challenging, can be transformative. In this episode, we showcase real-life examples of heartbreak and relationship breakdowns, illustrating how these tough moments can lead to profound personal evolution when approached with curiosity and openness. From the dynamics of relationships to the importance of self-reflection, we navigate the complexities of letting go and the liberating feeling of staying true to oneself. Join us for an engaging conversation filled with spontaneous insights and authentic connections as we invite you to share your thoughts and experiences with us.
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Episode Transcript
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Keri (00:01):
Welcome to Redefining Normal.
Join us as we questionconventional thinking and talk
about the courage it takes tocreate and live a deliciously
vibrant life.
Jamy (00:10):
This podcast is for people who know there's a better way
to do life and love how we showup in connection to others our
kids, our partners, our businessand, beyond that, our
relationship with money,vitality and, more than anything
, ourselves.
Keri (00:26):
We're two shamelessly unapologetic moms choosing to
experience the fullness of life.
Jamy (00:32):
And we're collapsing the conditioning that says you can't
live a life of pleasure, peaceand abundance in the midst of
the mundane of life,responsibilities, work and kids.
Keri (00:43):
Thank you for listening in .
Let's do this On this episodeof Redefining Normal.
We are going to be talkingabout kind of social media
etiquette and friendships andwhen they kind of just disappear
, right, like what the heckhappened, when you're sitting
(01:05):
there going with like that, whatthe heck happened?
Experience.
So and we're saying thisbecause we were just talking how
Jamie had just said to me um, Ijust had a friend who blocked
me on Facebook.
It's so weird, like I don'tknow what happened and so we
just want to have a conversationabout it Like what happens?
What's the normal etiquette,what has been in the past?
(01:27):
Like why are we?
Why?
I think it's kind of weird thaton social media, we have like
less rules or I don't know.
It's just weird, like we have a.
Even if we start to talk aboutlike cancel cultures and all
these types of things, that it'slike people feel that they can
just project all of their crapall over you, right, yeah?
and like oh, I have a free reignbecause I'm sitting behind a
(01:47):
computer screen.
Jamy (01:48):
Yeah, yeah, about that right yeah, it's true, um, and I
think that this is a commonthing.
It is, I mean, so many layersto this right.
But if you're on social media,um, whether professionally or
personally, whatever, like, Ithink this is a common
experience where you think thatyou've like got a certain
(02:11):
relationship with someone andthen, like, all of a sudden, you
recognize that they have likeblocked you and somehow,
unbeknownst to you, there's beefthat you didn't know about.
Like, what in the worldhappened?
Yeah, and I think, for me, thatthe thing that I always take
(02:32):
away from this is, um, youcannot control what other people
like think of you or how theyperceive you.
And this, for me, is such a keyin that is because, like,
literally, when you are clueless, um, that anything has changed,
but this other person feels sostrongly that they cannot stand
(02:55):
you that they do not want toknow you exist on social media.
Keri (02:59):
It's not just like, not just like.
Jamy (03:01):
I'm going to unfriend you, but I block, I block you block
is like I do not want to knowthat you exist you cannot find
me anymore, you cannot stop me,nothing, yeah and I think this
speaks to intimacy andvulnerability too like how throw
away culture we are withrelationships and friendships
(03:22):
like, oh, you made meuncomfortable out and what does
that do?
like it, it like dehumanizes ina lot of ways, right, like this
is a human being that you'vepainted a picture and created
some story around that justifiesyou throwing them away.
Versus, like the friendshipthat is deeply, um, vulnerable
(03:48):
and important and enough thatyou recognize, um, I'd like to
you know, at least address thisthing.
And on the flip side, becausewe are all about paradox here,
some relationships do not belongin your life.
For me, no, they're both true,and I think what we're just
talking about is the nuance andwhat does put relationships in
(04:09):
one versus the other.
Keri (04:12):
Yeah, it's interesting because, even as we talk about
this, even just bringing thisconversation to here, it makes
me think this is so far beyondactually social media and the
fact that, like I think of someof the biggest heartbreak that
I've ever had has been whengirlfriends, female friends,
have just stopped talking to me.
Like one of my best friends whostood up in my wedding right,
(04:33):
like she just stopped talking tome, and it wasn't soon after
the wedding, I can tell you,because Robbie was a baby.
It was right after Robbie wasborn and I was like did
something happen?
And I call and like no responseand she just never, ever talked
to me again and I'm like, howweird is that?
Like you were in my wedding,like I don't know, two years ago
and now we're not talkinganymore and I have no idea why.
(04:55):
Right, and so whether it's fromthat type of a situation and
I've had mentors actually who'vetotally blocked me and I'm'm
like I paid you, like whathappened, or I was paying you-
Right Like and it's definitelybeen something I've had to look
at, cause like obviously we haveour patterns and these things
that happen.
So I started to look at thingslike that in my life, yeah.
(05:16):
Right, was it showing me, um,but also, like I'm not alone in
it, like this is not some crazyquestion and unfortunately,
between women it is quite asister wound that happens.
This isn't some totallyuncommon thing, and so I want to
actually bring to the table, aswe talk about this, that I
think part of the problem isthat, yes, we have this
throwaway culture where peopleultimately aren't willing to
(05:38):
face up to like, hey, if youjust had a conversation with me,
we could have saved thefriendship.
Maybe something happenedbecause there's no learning.
I always think there's nolearning for me.
I'm like what did I do thatmade you so upset that we're not
talking anymore?
Jamy (05:49):
Yeah, or I mean like maybe the relationship isn't
salvageable but you just partways with integrity Right, like
there is no end goal but to justshow up for the conversation,
to stay at the table, versusyeah, like collapsing like
there's something uncomfortablehere so I'm just going to ignore
it.
What does that do in life?
Right, like, where else do youdo that?
(06:11):
Just like avoid and ignore thediscomfort versus engaging and
learning from it?
Because, like we talked aboutwhat episode?
I don't anyway we talkedsomewhere along the line about
when you avoid something, itjust gets bigger.
So maybe you can avoid arelationship, but whatever that
thing is in you that you'reavoiding is going to show up
(06:31):
bigger and louder in other areas.
Ultimately, a hundred percent.
Keri (06:37):
And I think on the other, on the on the flip side of this
is our reaction, right, and Iknow when these first started
happening to me, like the firsttime that that woman did that,
had that experience, yeah, I waslike, I mean, I was heartbroken
, and when the mentor did it Iwas fucking heartbroken, right,
and it was months of like,literally, like what did I do?
(06:57):
wrong, all these things, and nowwhen that stuff happens, like I
, I like, oh okay, I don't know,you're normal, right?
If you go, and maybe I'll haveto, you know, mend my broken
heart and like that, it's like,ow, that hurts, I like that
friend or you know whateverhappened, but also it's not me,
right?
Like this isn't.
(07:18):
And I think this is a reallybig distinction because,
especially on social media and Ican say especially like knowing
that we're talking toentrepreneurs and other
messengers and having had theexperience a lot of people won't
actually put themselves outonline because they're afraid of
the feedback they're going toget, because of what people are
going to say, because of thehaters, because of the rude
comments, right.
But we got to remember that,whether it's a friend blocking
us or whether it's some unkindhuman being who forgot that
(07:41):
there's another human on theother side of it who's come and
started projecting all theircrap all over you on your post,
that it's not personal, right?
It's not personal, right.
These are people who have theirown shit, their own stuff going
on for themselves and they didsomething that was in the right
alignment for them which, behonest, may not have anything to
actually do with you at all.
They just were like I don'teven, I don't you don't even
(08:07):
have to know.
Jamy (08:07):
I mean, carrie, really, even as you're saying this, I'm
like this is, even in yourdeepest, most personal
relationships, like I've donethis with Kyle.
He's done something and ittriggers my own story and I'm
like you did this thing and it'slike actually has nothing to do
with you.
This is like bringing up my ownhurt, my own shit, my own
whatever, and I think this isthe new normal that we want to
(08:27):
talk about, though, is likeself-reflection on both sides.
Self-reflection when you'reprojecting on someone and making
it about them.
It's very rarely about them.
They are just showing yousomething, um, and then also
reflecting on, like this hasnothing to do with me, this
other person.
It's sad, it's a bummer, likelike there are women that I love
(08:48):
deeply, like that I really docare about, and even if there's
tension, even if there'sweirdness, even if there's like
painful things, um, I see thehuman, the humanity, the
sisterhood, the.
But okay, also, this is comingfrom the woman who, um, I mean,
I'm I'm kind of interjectingsomething here that we'll talk
(09:10):
about at some point.
Um, early on in my marriage,kyle was having um an affair.
Yeah, and this is coming fromthe woman who went to that woman
to really try to talk to hersister to sister, about what was
going on, to forgive her, tolove on her and to understand
(09:30):
her, even through my heartbreak.
Great.
So, like sisterhood, I think,is important to me, and I have
not always been the best sister.
Like I will, I will also ownthat I have definitely acted in
shadow and been shitty to otherwomen in a lot of ways.
Um, but that's the paradox ofbeing human.
Um, but I don't even rememberwhere I was going with this.
(09:53):
I guess just that there is, um,a responsibility to ourselves.
I think to to reflect on what'shappening when, um, we feel the
rejection of somebody elsehaving their moment, having
their trigger and blocking us.
Um, and really I don't know,coming into integrity with
(10:13):
ourselves on what that's showingus.
I even think about and I'll letyou expand on this because I
know that you really have a takeon this but, like when we think
about level two of the spiraland tribe and belonging and what
actual wound that brings up,like when someone wants to
cancel us or wants to like throwtheir projections at us or
(10:36):
blocks and unfriends us, likethe core wound that that's
actually bringing up.
Keri (10:43):
Yeah, ultimately, I think it's like so much to do with our
worthiness, right, that we'renot worthy of being seen, that
we're not worthy of being loved,and so then we take that to
heart, right, and like I lovehow you even said the paradox
before, jane, because I thinkit's really interesting when we
look at if you can actuallyremember that you've done this
to another woman, like there isno way I need, like I'm next
(11:06):
week 46 years old, you're 46years old, you know.
There's no way that we havegotten to this point in our
lives without hurting anotherwoman at some point
intentionally or unintentionallyright, where we've shut a door
on something that was like thisdoes not feel good anymore,
right, and so when we canactually put ourselves into
those shoes, we can thenremember that exact thing of
(11:27):
what you're saying is that it'snot personal, right, and it's
not about my worthiness.
It's not about whether I'm goodenough.
It's not about whether I'm agood enough friend or what I
have done, right.
It is about I am still showingup, like.
Ultimately, we can askourselves am I showing up in my
highest integrity with myself?
Right, and if you're not, thatis your own, your own inquiry,
(11:49):
right, and we get to decide ifwe repair that or not In
ourselves.
Jamy (11:54):
Repair that, yeah.
Keri (11:57):
Right and the reflection.
I love how, even as you said itto me, Jamie, that like this is
a reflection, like it has beena pattern for me.
One of my biggest fears is theabandonment fear.
Don't abandon me, Right, Like,don't leave me.
And so, of course, what did theworld show me?
Hey, get abandoned.
See what happens.
Jamy (12:13):
Right.
Is that generational to us too?
Because, like in astrology, weall have Chiron and taurus, and
taurus is about home, safety,foundations, money like all of
that, and so there is like aself-worth core wound that runs
in our generations as well Iwonder, I wonder if it would be
(12:35):
different in differentgenerations.
But even beyond that carrie,like even deeper than that, when
you look at like primally inour brain getting abandoned,
like kicked out of the tribe,meant that right.
Like if you did not haveprotection of the group, right,
then you didn't have food, youdidn't have protection from wild
(12:55):
animals or from the elements.
Like this, this, this triggeris primal and it runs deep and
it's not true anymore.
Like if you get kicked out ofone group, guess what?
There is another group that isecstatic for the thing you're
saying, and so this like out inthe wilderness alone bit is is a
(13:19):
mental experience.
It is actually not physicallytrue, um, in the way that it
used to be.
Keri (13:29):
So interesting Cause, when you say that it's, it made me
think of this conversation I washaving with a client yesterday
and we were talking aboutmartyring.
She was actually offered likewe were working on manifesting a
job for her and she was withoutactually having to apply,
without actually having to doanything.
She actually had the schoolboard come to her, say we've
been talking about you, here'sthis job.
(13:50):
And I went sister, fuck, yes,right, like she was all stressed
about all these pieces of it,right, and I'm like you were
just handed a gift, right, yeah,last week we get, yesterday we
get on this call and she's likeI don't think I can take it
because it might take this awayfrom this woman who it's her job
and I don't want to take thatfrom her.
And I was like that's not foryou to say the school board has
(14:20):
just offered you this right andyou're refusing it regardless of
her journey.
You're making an assumptionbased on your thoughts about her
journey and what's supposed tohappen for her and if you go and
martyr yourself, you take awaywhatever lesson she's had to
learn, because this isn't on you.
This is the school board sayingyou are the right person for
this job.
She is no longer the rightperson for this job.
Right, and whether it's you orsomebody else, someone else is
(14:41):
going to fill it, so it might aswell be you.
And if you actually bypass this, you then say to God hey, I
just asked for this thing.
You sent me the lifeboatexactly how I wanted it to look,
and now I'm going to say no,right, and in doing that, you
take away your own gift.
Thank you, god gift.
And this is why I'm thinking ofthis.
You take the gift away of thelessons that she had to learn.
(15:04):
Right, and so often when we have, when we've been blocked, when
you've had a friend removed, orwhen somebody's moved on or
whatever, sometimes it'sliterally like I know for me,
when I've had best friendsdisappear in my life or have
closed doors on things like that, other doors open to the most
amazing people right when these,where these people took the
energy and they were so rightfor you at the time, they no
(15:27):
longer can come with you ontothat life, the next piece of
your life, the next path on yourlife, Right.
And so I think sometimes, whenwe get wrapped up in the thought
of, oh my God, I'm so hurtshe's not here, she made this
decision.
Blah, blah, blah.
Or I don't want to, I don'twant to move on from this
friendship.
We're actually taking away thewhole gift that comes to the
(15:48):
other person or to ourselves.
If it's us who gets blocked,that says you know what?
I now have this door that justopened for new experiences, for
this whole thing to line up.
And when we martyr ourselves orwhen we self implode because we
think somebody did something tous right, that is really just
(16:10):
their journey, then we don'tallow ourselves the gift of the
healing.
And I say often and we'll talkabout this throughout the whole
podcast Like for me, heartbreakis like heart opening right
Anytime something hurts, thathurts our heart.
It's an opportunity to actuallylove ourselves more and there's
more love that can come in whenwe can look at it from that
perspective, versus oh, she didit, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
(16:30):
and bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,bitch, right, or I won't give
that to a person.
Jamy (16:34):
It's like embracing a suck , though, right Like.
This is part of thatconversation of like, painful
shit is a gift if you can allowit to be, if you can expand your
perspective of it.
I see this in parenting too, alot actually like, um, parents
want to protect their kids frompainful situations and of course
there is that instinct, rightlike, but also I think that
(16:58):
stems from the fact that wehaven't fully integrated the
lessons of our painfulexperiences.
But once we do like, once wefully come into like I mean like
, even like I mentioned earlierin this particular episode
affairs like the wounds thatthat brought up the shit, that
that that was such a painfulperiod in my life and in my
marriage and in my parenting, mymarriage and in my parenting.
(17:20):
And now I'm like I would not bewhere I am right now had I not
journeyed that.
I am so grateful that that wejourneyed that experience and
even on, like, this higher selfperspective, like I am so
grateful to whatever part ofKyle agreed to play, that bad
guy part in our relationship sothat I could experience and
(17:43):
navigate and learn what I did ona soul level in this lifetime
from that, and it's through thatthat I'm like I need to let my
kids have their painfulexperiences, even as a mom.
If I'm like, fuck, don't do it,it is going to break your heart
.
This is going to be horribleand hard.
I'm missing that.
There's something reallybeautiful and liberating and
(18:03):
expansive If she can journeythat with intention and with
presence and with curiosity.
Right, so right, like, yeah,embrace the suck, because
there's something beautiful init too.
Keri (18:14):
But the paradox it's interesting because, even on
affairs, I just recently watchedtwo men navigate and it was a
guy, who it was the two men wereone guy who'd been either
married or engaged or like in ayou know that kind of a
partnership, um, and then theother guy who was the one who
ended up sleeping with hispartner, right.
And so they actuallyreconnected and in the end, when
(18:38):
through this process that theywent through, um, the one who'd
been cheated on had said thankgod, like that he was at first.
When this man came to him, hewas like I don't know if I want
to talk to you, I don't know ifI want to deal with you, blah,
blah, blah.
But also, when he actually satwith it, he was like thank you,
because, because you did that, Idid not end up with that woman
who would have made my life aliving hell.
(18:58):
It would not have been beenwhat I wanted.
And now I'm in the most amazingaligned marriage with the most
beautiful child who I could notI have the chills who I could
not be more grateful for, right.
And so I actually kind of thinkof it sometimes that there's a
Garth Brooks song that that saysis unanswered prayers.
I heard it in high school itwas so long ago but I love the
song, right, the message in thesong.
(19:18):
I'm not like a Garth Brooks,I'm not a country singer, I'm
not any of that.
But this song, like thank Godfor unanswered prayers, thank
God for the moments when weprayed for something or when
things landed in our laps thatwere like this is hellish, yeah.
Or even talking about cheatingRight, we've talked about it
with Scott and Andrea gottogether, right when the guy who
I was dating ended up with mybest friend and and it was a
(19:39):
whole nother episode guys right,but like to be honest.
Three days later Jamie you knowthis like after I processed it
out and got angry as fuck aboutit and hurt by it.
It was one of the biggestcatalysts in my life.
Jamy (19:54):
Yes, yes, truly, it's opened you to some freaking
amazing connections and likeexactly what you need and want,
right, yeah, and here's thething I just want to point out,
because I think the narrative is.
But, like you know, the flipside of the story you shared was
he didn't end up with thatwoman whatever, and I stayed
(20:16):
with Kyle.
Like my unanswered prayerultimately was like I thought I
actually thought I was tellingmy kid this on the way to school
the other day I thought I wasgoing to marry my high school
boyfriend.
Like I did not date Kyle inhigh school, I had a different
boyfriend and I deeply likeimagined a whole future with him
(20:36):
.
You know, and it's like myunanswered prayer led me to
exactly where I am.
And it's like my unansweredprayer led me to exactly where I
am and, and it's true, right,like what you think, what you
think you want, like what yourhuman brain thinks is best for
you is oftentimes not the case,like we cannot see the immense
(20:58):
gifts that the universe has forus and we are often shooting
solo.
So, like just stay open to thething.
I mean, like I never would haveguessed in that in those
moments, that Kyle and I woulddefine and create the intimacy
and the safety and the honestythat we have now right Like to
(21:19):
the point where, no matter whathappens, it's like we're here,
we're in it, we love each other.
We've created an agreement thatgives both of us the freedom to
change and move and be and yeah, I mean like who would have
guessed that when we were bothnavigating like these deep core
wounds and maybe we'll do anepisode about it, cause there's
(21:40):
a lot to that story that has,like what led up to all of it
and, funny, how did we end up onaffairs from getting blocked?
Keri (21:53):
Because, at the end of the day, right Like it is blocked
by right Like we've been set outby somebody who, like we,
didn't, we don't feel like wehad control over yep, right, and
what is our response?
Jamy (22:05):
no matter what, I do I mean, like the only thing we
have control over ever, ever,ever, ever is our own actions,
yeah, and our own interpretation, yeah, of what's happening.
And why the fuck would youchoose a story that is
disempowering and hurtful, yes,like getting blocked by someone.
You can be like, oh my God,what did I do wrong?
She hates me, you know whatever.
(22:26):
Or like that woman is on ajourney and I'm not a part of it
right now and that's none of mybusiness.
I'm going to keep doing me andbeing loved by the people that
are here.
You know, like the thing thathappened is still the same, but
how we interpret it is entirelyup to us.
Keri (22:42):
I think that's the thing.
Like if we look at how we wantto redefine this and how we want
to redefine normal, thesituation can be the same, right
, like I said years ago, thesebroke my heart and like I would
spend months processing andtrying to figure out what I did
wrong and all this stuff.
Now I'm like, ok, well, and Ithink the thing to not limit
here or not, yeah, not limithere or not, yeah, like put
limitation or yeah, whatever, Idon't know the word I'm saying
right now, but like it is to saythat we don't want to forget
(23:07):
that in that moment, it's reallyimportant to feel the feelings
right, like it fucking hurtswhen those moments happen.
Right, it might hurt when thiswoman that you think is like, oh
my God, that was a really goodfriend of mine and now she just
blocked me.
Like you are allowed to ahundred percent and you and you,
I think you must, I think it'sa good thing to do, to walk, to
feel into that feeling Right,but the the, the magic comes
(23:28):
because we feel it.
We go.
Okay, well, I cannot play thestory we talked about this, I
think, on the last episode.
Not play the story in our mindand let the story take over.
I can feel the feelings of thishurts.
I don't need to make up a wholestory because you don't
actually have the truth ofwhatever happened.
On their side.
You might never have the truthof whatever happened.
We can send them compassion andforgiveness and love because
(23:50):
we're like, obviously you'redoing something and something's
hurting over there that youwould have done this experience
right.
Send them compassion and loveand forgiveness and move on
right, because it's when we holdonto that that we then end up
in these sick, unhealthy.
We repeat the pattern.
Until you learn it, you willcontinue to get people who do
this right, which was thatjourney that we've talked about.
(24:11):
Look at, I kept doing it untilwith my dating and there was
abandonment, shit, because I waslike I had to learn my lessons
right, until finally I was like,okay, I can be free until I'd
felt it right.
I won't say I'm free.
I'm sure in my lifetime therewill be.
Jamy (24:27):
And I I'll tell you, the more you feel it like, the more
willing cause.
Like you said, like when thesethings used to happen in the
past, like it felt super intenseand super painful and like easy
to collapse into it, like now Iwas like, oh, that's a bummer,
like I actually didn't have tonavigate a whole lot of like,
sadness or anything, because mynew normal really is just
(24:49):
recognizing that there'ssomething I'm unaware of that at
this point is none of mybusiness, because I wasn't
included in that conversation.
Um, and it was very easy toshift from like oh, that's,
that's weird, that's a bummer,to like whatever.
Um, but yeah, in the past therehave been times where, like
it's really super sad and like Ido, I go into like all the
(25:12):
stories and all the feels and Istay there.
I make it mean something thatit just doesn't mean.
So new normal really does meanthat like new ways of being
become the baseline for movingforward.
When you really do practicethese things Like it's not, like
it's hard forever and you tryand be intentional over your
(25:34):
neural pathways, adjust your,your perceptions, adjust and you
do create new baselines thatare a better for lack of better
word like a, a more sustainableor, um, a serving launch pad for
the next thing.
Right, we're meant to evolveand that we get to choose what
(25:58):
direction we do that in.
Keri (25:59):
Yes, yes, and as I look at I guess I hear you say that and
experience it I think one ofthe one of my driving questions
lately has been does this moveme towards my goal?
Does this move me towards theintention of what I'm creating
in my life?
So, for me, because I've had somany mental health issues and
because I've spent so manymonths of my life in a bed
(26:21):
depressed over, sometimes Iwould say, not trivial things,
but things that I now I'd belike they are relatively trivial
things, right, are relativelytrivial things right, relatively
right that I can say, like Ican make the choice and Jamie's
had to walk me through thissometimes this isn't like a
natural, this didn't comenaturally for me, like I really
had to work this so I can makethe choice that I could space,
(26:44):
spend my time in bed for threemonths being really depressed
about something that happened.
But does that move me closer tomy goal?
Well, no it doesn't.
So I can feel this, I canexperience this and I can go.
Okay, that happened.
Now move on, because medwelling in it and taking the
energy that it would have taken,because someone blocked me,
because some person left me,because, whatever, it's not
(27:04):
going to change my life bysitting there in the three
months.
The only thing that's going tochange is that I didn't get any
more closer to my goal bydwelling in it for three months.
Right, I can go.
Okay, well, I won't make up astory.
Then that happened and I canmove on.
Right, and then my thing, myprocess now might be sometimes
minutes, like Jamie said,sometimes I'm like, oh, that's
funny, like literally sometimesI laugh about it and then it's
(27:26):
then moves on.
Jamy (27:27):
Right, okay, I wonder what happened there.
Keri (27:29):
Okay, yes, that was the best thing for you.
Yes, I'm moving on to somethingelse.
Jamy (27:33):
Right, there's such freedom in that, though, there
is.
Keri (27:37):
Right, because then we don't take ourselves off our
path, because for me that wouldhave taken me straight off my
path.
Yeah, it blocks my path.
And now I'm like no, my path isso much more important than the
external stuff that shows up,that says to me if I go that way
, that's a distraction to pullme off my path, If I go that way
, it's a distraction to pull meoff my path, or I can go.
Yeah, I noticed that thathappened and I got my path.
(27:59):
You're apparently not on itanymore.
Jamy (28:02):
Right?
Well, and this is like cause wetalked about in an earlier
episode, like North star, right,you got to know what your path
is.
You got to know where you'regoing or you're aimless path.
Is you got to know where you'regoing or you're aimless, like
you are wobbly and flip-floppedeverywhere?
Um, the other thing you weretalking when you were talking
about that, though, this likeaha moment around this idea of
abandonment, because it is agenerational, um, chiron and
(28:24):
taurus thing, self-worth value,whatever.
Uh, why do we want so badly tobe with someone who does not
want to be with us, right?
Why am I like no, you need tolove me, when there's probably a
whole world of people like youwe were saying earlier, like
(28:47):
some relationships it's likehard, hard to feel loved, and
like it requires so much effortand there are people that would
like, without any effort, withso much ease, meet you exactly
the way you want to be met, butyou cannot find that person.
If you are chasing the one thathas such a hard time meeting
(29:10):
you where you want to be met,like, why are we facing the one
that is saying I don't want todo that for you, right, and
that's, in marriage, about usright marriage relationship
internally.
But then that's what we'rechasing versus this recognition
that, like I, am deeply lovableand valuable and I'm going to
trust that that person is goingto show up.
(29:30):
Right, like it's interesting, Imean, I have two daughters and
you have two sons.
Right, like they're in thisadolescent phase where we are
entering companionship anddating.
And like I mean I was 17 orshe'll be 18 in a couple of days
and recognizing, like, therelationships formed at this age
.
I mean, like I knew Kyle when Iwas 18 and I'm married to him
(29:51):
now.
Right, so, like these are notmeaningless relationships that
happen in at 18.
Um, but this dynamic ofwatching kids, teenagers,
adolescents which obviously goesinto adulthood because we were
still doing it in our datingyears of clinging to someone who
has shown us they can't meetour needs, right, what is?
(30:16):
You know?
It's like this, this awarenessthat when we recognize our own
value, we're not throwing it atsomeone who's like saying no,
thank you Right, right, it'skind of like I think right, I
think ultimately you know thenew normal can be.
Keri (30:34):
we just say thank you for the blessing that you gave me of
leaving my life and showing methat I'm not supposed to be on
this path with you anymore.
Jamy (30:41):
Yeah, and beautiful.
Keri (30:43):
Thank you so much for the beauty that was in it, right,
and thank you for showing meeverything that you did in the
relationship and thank you forbeing here for me.
And now what else is out hereLike it's like now, what's the
possibility?
Who's going to show up now?
Yeah, magic is going to show upnow, because that space has
been cleared, because apparentlywe're not supposed to be in it.
Jamy (31:00):
Yes, of like what could be , yeah, and it's interesting, I
feel, to bring into that, um,like there is discernment in
knowing what is worth fightingfor and what is not.
But only you know that and youhave to be brutally honest with
yourself around that.
What are you avoiding and whatare you moving towards?
And those things can be veryhard to discern and it really
(31:24):
does take self-reflection andlike brutal honesty.
You can't avoid yourself andyou got to sometimes do the
wrong thing and look from itRight, like it's not always
perfect.
Keri (31:36):
I loved dating for the, for the fact that one of the
things that was like always,like this guide of a
manifestation tool for me, I'mlike, oh, that didn't work, so
you exited, thank you, becauseyou weren't actually what was
supposed to be here, because youhad all these other things that
weren't working Right, excuseme.
And then I'd be like, okay,well, that didn't, that wasn't
right.
Like I always call data, likedataing right, like it's just a
(31:57):
data, right.
And then I'm like, okay, so nowI'm going to, I'm going to call
this in and, jamie, you wouldwatch me do it Like I mean, it
happened fast, right, I couldcall someone in the next day and
be like, oh, I got this thingRight.
And so when one door closes, itallows us to see what didn't
work and open a door tosomething else, and it literally
like that's what I loved aboutit and I love about it is like
(32:18):
it just opens doors so quicklyto like how fast can I bring
something new in?
Jamy (32:23):
Yeah, Right and it's magic .
Apply this to all of life.
I mean like business, parenting, any sort of relationship.
Like, try something, right, seewhat way do you get back,
adjust accordingly and do again.
We get stuck in this like,right or wrong, I'm gonna fail,
is it?
You know?
(32:52):
Like, what stop you in thislifetime on this planet?
Like, holy shit, that'sexciting and you're not going to
figure that out if you'rescared to try anything along the
way.
Right, like yeah, well, well,james, universal truths from
(33:12):
getting blocked on social mediaI think I think we've.
Keri (33:18):
Uh, I think we ran the circles on that one right
interesting anything you want totalk about social media.
Jamy (33:27):
Feel what you got to feel about it.
If it's something worthfighting for, bring it up.
But otherwise, justself-reflect and let us show you
, like where maybe you arefeeling fear of abandonment or
insecurity or whatever.
Integrate that or get support.
Integrating it whatever it is.
It doesn't, it's not personal,it actually has probably very
(33:47):
little to do with you.
Or, if it does, correct it,like repair it, whatever you got
to do, but like be an integritywith yourself and if you're an
integrity with yourself, let thechips fall where they may.
Oh, maybe it's.
It's.
It's liberating, liberating asfuck.
Yeah, it is I don't haveanything else to say, I think,
(34:12):
but I do think that we havethese little fun little we need
to start documenting, cause Ifeel like we do need to talk
about the, the, the backstory ofthe affairs.
Yes, the, the whole show offriends and lovers, because I'm
still a little hot under thecollar about that one.
(34:34):
Yeah, that activated myprotective big sister.
No, yeah, it did it all right.
(34:59):
Yes, until next time.
We love you so much.
And, um, come join us for morerandom, nuanced, meandering
conversations about whateverhappens to pop into our adhd
brain and let us know how this,how this, landed for you have
you, have you navigated orjourneyed your own experiences
of being blocked, or whetherfacebook or whether outside of
you know?
Keri (35:09):
let us know how this, how this landed for you?
Have you, have you navigated orjourneyed your own experiences
of being blocked, or whetherFacebook or whether outside of
you know?
Let us know?
Jamy (35:20):
All right, love you.
If you enjoyed this show, letus know.
We're all about authenticconnections.
To come chat with us on socialmedia or email links are listed
in the show notes.
Keri (35:34):
And please make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your
favorite platform and share themagic on your socials.
Welcome to Redefining Normal.
Join us as we questionconventional thinking and talk
about the courage it takes tocreate and live a deliciously
vibrant life.
Jamy (00:10):
This podcast is for people who know there's a better way
to do life and love how we showup in connection to others our
kids, our partners, our businessand, beyond that, our
relationship with money,vitality and, more than anything
, ourselves.
Keri (00:26):
We're two shamelessly unapologetic moms choosing to
experience the fullness of life.
Jamy (00:32):
And we're collapsing the conditioning that says you can't
live a life of pleasure, peaceand abundance in the midst of
the mundane of life,responsibilities, work and kids.
Keri (00:43):
Thank you for listening in .
Let's do this On this episodeof Redefining Normal.
We are going to be talkingabout kind of social media
etiquette and friendships andwhen they kind of just disappear
, right, like what the heckhappened, when you're sitting
(01:05):
there going with like that, whatthe heck happened?
Experience.
So and we're saying thisbecause we were just talking how
Jamie had just said to me um, Ijust had a friend who blocked
me on Facebook.
It's so weird, like I don'tknow what happened and so we
just want to have a conversationabout it Like what happens?
What's the normal etiquette,what has been in the past?
(01:27):
Like why are we?
Why?
I think it's kind of weird thaton social media, we have like
less rules or I don't know.
It's just weird, like we have a.
Even if we start to talk aboutlike cancel cultures and all
these types of things, that it'slike people feel that they can
just project all of their crapall over you, right, yeah?
and like oh, I have a free reignbecause I'm sitting behind a
(01:47):
computer screen.
Jamy (01:48):
Yeah, yeah, about that right yeah, it's true, um, and I
think that this is a commonthing.
It is, I mean, so many layersto this right.
But if you're on social media,um, whether professionally or
personally, whatever, like, Ithink this is a common
experience where you think thatyou've like got a certain
(02:11):
relationship with someone andthen, like, all of a sudden, you
recognize that they have likeblocked you and somehow,
unbeknownst to you, there's beefthat you didn't know about.
Like, what in the worldhappened?
Yeah, and I think, for me, thatthe thing that I always take
(02:32):
away from this is, um, youcannot control what other people
like think of you or how theyperceive you.
And this, for me, is such a keyin that is because, like,
literally, when you are clueless, um, that anything has changed,
but this other person feels sostrongly that they cannot stand
(02:55):
you that they do not want toknow you exist on social media.
Keri (02:59):
It's not just like, not just like.
Jamy (03:01):
I'm going to unfriend you, but I block, I block you block
is like I do not want to knowthat you exist you cannot find
me anymore, you cannot stop me,nothing, yeah and I think this
speaks to intimacy andvulnerability too like how throw
away culture we are withrelationships and friendships
(03:22):
like, oh, you made meuncomfortable out and what does
that do?
like it, it like dehumanizes ina lot of ways, right, like this
is a human being that you'vepainted a picture and created
some story around that justifiesyou throwing them away.
Versus, like the friendshipthat is deeply, um, vulnerable
(03:48):
and important and enough thatyou recognize, um, I'd like to
you know, at least address thisthing.
And on the flip side, becausewe are all about paradox here,
some relationships do not belongin your life.
For me, no, they're both true,and I think what we're just
talking about is the nuance andwhat does put relationships in
(04:09):
one versus the other.
Keri (04:12):
Yeah, it's interesting because, even as we talk about
this, even just bringing thisconversation to here, it makes
me think this is so far beyondactually social media and the
fact that, like I think of someof the biggest heartbreak that
I've ever had has been whengirlfriends, female friends,
have just stopped talking to me.
Like one of my best friends whostood up in my wedding right,
(04:33):
like she just stopped talking tome, and it wasn't soon after
the wedding, I can tell you,because Robbie was a baby.
It was right after Robbie wasborn and I was like did
something happen?
And I call and like no responseand she just never, ever talked
to me again and I'm like, howweird is that?
Like you were in my wedding,like I don't know, two years ago
and now we're not talkinganymore and I have no idea why.
(04:55):
Right, and so whether it's fromthat type of a situation and
I've had mentors actually who'vetotally blocked me and I'm'm
like I paid you, like whathappened, or I was paying you-
Right Like and it's definitelybeen something I've had to look
at, cause like obviously we haveour patterns and these things
that happen.
So I started to look at thingslike that in my life, yeah.
(05:16):
Right, was it showing me, um,but also, like I'm not alone in
it, like this is not some crazyquestion and unfortunately,
between women it is quite asister wound that happens.
This isn't some totallyuncommon thing, and so I want to
actually bring to the table, aswe talk about this, that I
think part of the problem isthat, yes, we have this
throwaway culture where peopleultimately aren't willing to
(05:38):
face up to like, hey, if youjust had a conversation with me,
we could have saved thefriendship.
Maybe something happenedbecause there's no learning.
I always think there's nolearning for me.
I'm like what did I do thatmade you so upset that we're not
talking anymore?
Jamy (05:49):
Yeah, or I mean like maybe the relationship isn't
salvageable but you just partways with integrity Right, like
there is no end goal but to justshow up for the conversation,
to stay at the table, versusyeah, like collapsing like
there's something uncomfortablehere so I'm just going to ignore
it.
What does that do in life?
Right, like, where else do youdo that?
(06:11):
Just like avoid and ignore thediscomfort versus engaging and
learning from it?
Because, like we talked aboutwhat episode?
I don't anyway we talkedsomewhere along the line about
when you avoid something, itjust gets bigger.
So maybe you can avoid arelationship, but whatever that
thing is in you that you'reavoiding is going to show up
(06:31):
bigger and louder in other areas.
Ultimately, a hundred percent.
Keri (06:37):
And I think on the other, on the on the flip side of this
is our reaction, right, and Iknow when these first started
happening to me, like the firsttime that that woman did that,
had that experience, yeah, I waslike, I mean, I was heartbroken
, and when the mentor did it Iwas fucking heartbroken, right,
and it was months of like,literally, like what did I do?
(06:57):
wrong, all these things, and nowwhen that stuff happens, like I
, I like, oh okay, I don't know,you're normal, right?
If you go, and maybe I'll haveto, you know, mend my broken
heart and like that, it's like,ow, that hurts, I like that
friend or you know whateverhappened, but also it's not me,
right?
Like this isn't.
(07:18):
And I think this is a reallybig distinction because,
especially on social media and Ican say especially like knowing
that we're talking toentrepreneurs and other
messengers and having had theexperience a lot of people won't
actually put themselves outonline because they're afraid of
the feedback they're going toget, because of what people are
going to say, because of thehaters, because of the rude
comments, right.
But we got to remember that,whether it's a friend blocking
us or whether it's some unkindhuman being who forgot that
(07:41):
there's another human on theother side of it who's come and
started projecting all theircrap all over you on your post,
that it's not personal, right?
It's not personal, right.
These are people who have theirown shit, their own stuff going
on for themselves and they didsomething that was in the right
alignment for them which, behonest, may not have anything to
actually do with you at all.
They just were like I don'teven, I don't you don't even
(08:07):
have to know.
Jamy (08:07):
I mean, carrie, really, even as you're saying this, I'm
like this is, even in yourdeepest, most personal
relationships, like I've donethis with Kyle.
He's done something and ittriggers my own story and I'm
like you did this thing and it'slike actually has nothing to do
with you.
This is like bringing up my ownhurt, my own shit, my own
whatever, and I think this isthe new normal that we want to
(08:27):
talk about, though, is likeself-reflection on both sides.
Self-reflection when you'reprojecting on someone and making
it about them.
It's very rarely about them.
They are just showing yousomething, um, and then also
reflecting on, like this hasnothing to do with me, this
other person.
It's sad, it's a bummer, likelike there are women that I love
(08:48):
deeply, like that I really docare about, and even if there's
tension, even if there'sweirdness, even if there's like
painful things, um, I see thehuman, the humanity, the
sisterhood, the.
But okay, also, this is comingfrom the woman who, um, I mean,
I'm I'm kind of interjectingsomething here that we'll talk
(09:10):
about at some point.
Um, early on in my marriage,kyle was having um an affair.
Yeah, and this is coming fromthe woman who went to that woman
to really try to talk to hersister to sister, about what was
going on, to forgive her, tolove on her and to understand
(09:30):
her, even through my heartbreak.
Great.
So, like sisterhood, I think,is important to me, and I have
not always been the best sister.
Like I will, I will also ownthat I have definitely acted in
shadow and been shitty to otherwomen in a lot of ways.
Um, but that's the paradox ofbeing human.
Um, but I don't even rememberwhere I was going with this.
(09:53):
I guess just that there is, um,a responsibility to ourselves.
I think to to reflect on what'shappening when, um, we feel the
rejection of somebody elsehaving their moment, having
their trigger and blocking us.
Um, and really I don't know,coming into integrity with
(10:13):
ourselves on what that's showingus.
I even think about and I'll letyou expand on this because I
know that you really have a takeon this but, like when we think
about level two of the spiraland tribe and belonging and what
actual wound that brings up,like when someone wants to
cancel us or wants to like throwtheir projections at us or
(10:36):
blocks and unfriends us, likethe core wound that that's
actually bringing up.
Keri (10:43):
Yeah, ultimately, I think it's like so much to do with our
worthiness, right, that we'renot worthy of being seen, that
we're not worthy of being loved,and so then we take that to
heart, right, and like I lovehow you even said the paradox
before, jane, because I thinkit's really interesting when we
look at if you can actuallyremember that you've done this
to another woman, like there isno way I need, like I'm next
(11:06):
week 46 years old, you're 46years old, you know.
There's no way that we havegotten to this point in our
lives without hurting anotherwoman at some point
intentionally or unintentionallyright, where we've shut a door
on something that was like thisdoes not feel good anymore,
right, and so when we canactually put ourselves into
those shoes, we can thenremember that exact thing of
(11:27):
what you're saying is that it'snot personal, right, and it's
not about my worthiness.
It's not about whether I'm goodenough.
It's not about whether I'm agood enough friend or what I
have done, right.
It is about I am still showingup, like.
Ultimately, we can askourselves am I showing up in my
highest integrity with myself?
Right, and if you're not, thatis your own, your own inquiry,
(11:49):
right, and we get to decide ifwe repair that or not In
ourselves.
Jamy (11:54):
Repair that, yeah.
Keri (11:57):
Right and the reflection.
I love how, even as you said itto me, Jamie, that like this is
a reflection, like it has beena pattern for me.
One of my biggest fears is theabandonment fear.
Don't abandon me, Right, Like,don't leave me.
And so, of course, what did theworld show me?
Hey, get abandoned.
See what happens.
Jamy (12:13):
Right.
Is that generational to us too?
Because, like in astrology, weall have Chiron and taurus, and
taurus is about home, safety,foundations, money like all of
that, and so there is like aself-worth core wound that runs
in our generations as well Iwonder, I wonder if it would be
(12:35):
different in differentgenerations.
But even beyond that carrie,like even deeper than that, when
you look at like primally inour brain getting abandoned,
like kicked out of the tribe,meant that right.
Like if you did not haveprotection of the group, right,
then you didn't have food, youdidn't have protection from wild
(12:55):
animals or from the elements.
Like this, this, this triggeris primal and it runs deep and
it's not true anymore.
Like if you get kicked out ofone group, guess what?
There is another group that isecstatic for the thing you're
saying, and so this like out inthe wilderness alone bit is is a
(13:19):
mental experience.
It is actually not physicallytrue, um, in the way that it
used to be.
Keri (13:29):
So interesting Cause, when you say that it's, it made me
think of this conversation I washaving with a client yesterday
and we were talking aboutmartyring.
She was actually offered likewe were working on manifesting a
job for her and she was withoutactually having to apply,
without actually having to doanything.
She actually had the schoolboard come to her, say we've
been talking about you, here'sthis job.
(13:50):
And I went sister, fuck, yes,right, like she was all stressed
about all these pieces of it,right, and I'm like you were
just handed a gift, right, yeah,last week we get, yesterday we
get on this call and she's likeI don't think I can take it
because it might take this awayfrom this woman who it's her job
and I don't want to take thatfrom her.
And I was like that's not foryou to say the school board has
(14:20):
just offered you this right andyou're refusing it regardless of
her journey.
You're making an assumptionbased on your thoughts about her
journey and what's supposed tohappen for her and if you go and
martyr yourself, you take awaywhatever lesson she's had to
learn, because this isn't on you.
This is the school board sayingyou are the right person for
this job.
She is no longer the rightperson for this job.
Right, and whether it's you orsomebody else, someone else is
(14:41):
going to fill it, so it might aswell be you.
And if you actually bypass this, you then say to God hey, I
just asked for this thing.
You sent me the lifeboatexactly how I wanted it to look,
and now I'm going to say no,right, and in doing that, you
take away your own gift.
Thank you, god gift.
And this is why I'm thinking ofthis.
You take the gift away of thelessons that she had to learn.
(15:04):
Right, and so often when we have, when we've been blocked, when
you've had a friend removed, orwhen somebody's moved on or
whatever, sometimes it'sliterally like I know for me,
when I've had best friendsdisappear in my life or have
closed doors on things like that, other doors open to the most
amazing people right when these,where these people took the
energy and they were so rightfor you at the time, they no
(15:27):
longer can come with you ontothat life, the next piece of
your life, the next path on yourlife, Right.
And so I think sometimes, whenwe get wrapped up in the thought
of, oh my God, I'm so hurtshe's not here, she made this
decision.
Blah, blah, blah.
Or I don't want to, I don'twant to move on from this
friendship.
We're actually taking away thewhole gift that comes to the
(15:48):
other person or to ourselves.
If it's us who gets blocked,that says you know what?
I now have this door that justopened for new experiences, for
this whole thing to line up.
And when we martyr ourselves orwhen we self implode because we
think somebody did something tous right, that is really just
(16:10):
their journey, then we don'tallow ourselves the gift of the
healing.
And I say often and we'll talkabout this throughout the whole
podcast Like for me, heartbreakis like heart opening right
Anytime something hurts, thathurts our heart.
It's an opportunity to actuallylove ourselves more and there's
more love that can come in whenwe can look at it from that
perspective, versus oh, she didit, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
(16:30):
and bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,bitch, right, or I won't give
that to a person.
Jamy (16:34):
It's like embracing a suck , though, right Like.
This is part of thatconversation of like, painful
shit is a gift if you can allowit to be, if you can expand your
perspective of it.
I see this in parenting too, alot actually like, um, parents
want to protect their kids frompainful situations and of course
there is that instinct, rightlike, but also I think that
(16:58):
stems from the fact that wehaven't fully integrated the
lessons of our painfulexperiences.
But once we do like, once wefully come into like I mean like
, even like I mentioned earlierin this particular episode
affairs like the wounds thatthat brought up the shit, that
that that was such a painfulperiod in my life and in my
marriage and in my parenting, mymarriage and in my parenting.
(17:20):
And now I'm like I would not bewhere I am right now had I not
journeyed that.
I am so grateful that that wejourneyed that experience and
even on, like, this higher selfperspective, like I am so
grateful to whatever part ofKyle agreed to play, that bad
guy part in our relationship sothat I could experience and
(17:43):
navigate and learn what I did ona soul level in this lifetime
from that, and it's through thatthat I'm like I need to let my
kids have their painfulexperiences, even as a mom.
If I'm like, fuck, don't do it,it is going to break your heart
.
This is going to be horribleand hard.
I'm missing that.
There's something reallybeautiful and liberating and
(18:03):
expansive If she can journeythat with intention and with
presence and with curiosity.
Right, so right, like, yeah,embrace the suck, because
there's something beautiful init too.
Keri (18:14):
But the paradox it's interesting because, even on
affairs, I just recently watchedtwo men navigate and it was a
guy, who it was the two men wereone guy who'd been either
married or engaged or like in ayou know that kind of a
partnership, um, and then theother guy who was the one who
ended up sleeping with hispartner, right.
And so they actuallyreconnected and in the end, when
(18:38):
through this process that theywent through, um, the one who'd
been cheated on had said thankgod, like that he was at first.
When this man came to him, hewas like I don't know if I want
to talk to you, I don't know ifI want to deal with you, blah,
blah, blah.
But also, when he actually satwith it, he was like thank you,
because, because you did that, Idid not end up with that woman
who would have made my life aliving hell.
(18:58):
It would not have been beenwhat I wanted.
And now I'm in the most amazingaligned marriage with the most
beautiful child who I could notI have the chills who I could
not be more grateful for, right.
And so I actually kind of thinkof it sometimes that there's a
Garth Brooks song that that saysis unanswered prayers.
I heard it in high school itwas so long ago but I love the
song, right, the message in thesong.
(19:18):
I'm not like a Garth Brooks,I'm not a country singer, I'm
not any of that.
But this song, like thank Godfor unanswered prayers, thank
God for the moments when weprayed for something or when
things landed in our laps thatwere like this is hellish, yeah.
Or even talking about cheatingRight, we've talked about it
with Scott and Andrea gottogether, right when the guy who
I was dating ended up with mybest friend and and it was a
(19:39):
whole nother episode guys right,but like to be honest.
Three days later Jamie you knowthis like after I processed it
out and got angry as fuck aboutit and hurt by it.
It was one of the biggestcatalysts in my life.
Jamy (19:54):
Yes, yes, truly, it's opened you to some freaking
amazing connections and likeexactly what you need and want,
right, yeah, and here's thething I just want to point out,
because I think the narrative is.
But, like you know, the flipside of the story you shared was
he didn't end up with thatwoman whatever, and I stayed
(20:16):
with Kyle.
Like my unanswered prayerultimately was like I thought I
actually thought I was tellingmy kid this on the way to school
the other day I thought I wasgoing to marry my high school
boyfriend.
Like I did not date Kyle inhigh school, I had a different
boyfriend and I deeply likeimagined a whole future with him
(20:36):
.
You know, and it's like myunanswered prayer led me to
exactly where I am.
And it's like my unansweredprayer led me to exactly where I
am and, and it's true, right,like what you think, what you
think you want, like what yourhuman brain thinks is best for
you is oftentimes not the case,like we cannot see the immense
(20:58):
gifts that the universe has forus and we are often shooting
solo.
So, like just stay open to thething.
I mean, like I never would haveguessed in that in those
moments, that Kyle and I woulddefine and create the intimacy
and the safety and the honestythat we have now right Like to
(21:19):
the point where, no matter whathappens, it's like we're here,
we're in it, we love each other.
We've created an agreement thatgives both of us the freedom to
change and move and be and yeah, I mean like who would have
guessed that when we were bothnavigating like these deep core
wounds and maybe we'll do anepisode about it, cause there's
(21:40):
a lot to that story that has,like what led up to all of it
and, funny, how did we end up onaffairs from getting blocked?
Keri (21:53):
Because, at the end of the day, right Like it is blocked
by right Like we've been set outby somebody who, like we,
didn't, we don't feel like wehad control over yep, right, and
what is our response?
Jamy (22:05):
no matter what, I do I mean, like the only thing we
have control over ever, ever,ever, ever is our own actions,
yeah, and our own interpretation, yeah, of what's happening.
And why the fuck would youchoose a story that is
disempowering and hurtful, yes,like getting blocked by someone.
You can be like, oh my God,what did I do wrong?
She hates me, you know whatever.
(22:26):
Or like that woman is on ajourney and I'm not a part of it
right now and that's none of mybusiness.
I'm going to keep doing me andbeing loved by the people that
are here.
You know, like the thing thathappened is still the same, but
how we interpret it is entirelyup to us.
Keri (22:42):
I think that's the thing.
Like if we look at how we wantto redefine this and how we want
to redefine normal, thesituation can be the same, right
, like I said years ago, thesebroke my heart and like I would
spend months processing andtrying to figure out what I did
wrong and all this stuff.
Now I'm like, ok, well, and Ithink the thing to not limit
here or not, yeah, not limithere or not, yeah, like put
limitation or yeah, whatever, Idon't know the word I'm saying
right now, but like it is to saythat we don't want to forget
(23:07):
that in that moment, it's reallyimportant to feel the feelings
right, like it fucking hurtswhen those moments happen.
Right, it might hurt when thiswoman that you think is like, oh
my God, that was a really goodfriend of mine and now she just
blocked me.
Like you are allowed to ahundred percent and you and you,
I think you must, I think it'sa good thing to do, to walk, to
feel into that feeling Right,but the the, the magic comes
(23:28):
because we feel it.
We go.
Okay, well, I cannot play thestory we talked about this, I
think, on the last episode.
Not play the story in our mindand let the story take over.
I can feel the feelings of thishurts.
I don't need to make up a wholestory because you don't
actually have the truth ofwhatever happened.
On their side.
You might never have the truthof whatever happened.
We can send them compassion andforgiveness and love because
(23:50):
we're like, obviously you'redoing something and something's
hurting over there that youwould have done this experience
right.
Send them compassion and loveand forgiveness and move on
right, because it's when we holdonto that that we then end up
in these sick, unhealthy.
We repeat the pattern.
Until you learn it, you willcontinue to get people who do
this right, which was thatjourney that we've talked about.
(24:11):
Look at, I kept doing it untilwith my dating and there was
abandonment, shit, because I waslike I had to learn my lessons
right, until finally I was like,okay, I can be free until I'd
felt it right.
I won't say I'm free.
I'm sure in my lifetime therewill be.
Jamy (24:27):
And I I'll tell you, the more you feel it like, the more
willing cause.
Like you said, like when thesethings used to happen in the
past, like it felt super intenseand super painful and like easy
to collapse into it, like now Iwas like, oh, that's a bummer,
like I actually didn't have tonavigate a whole lot of like,
sadness or anything, because mynew normal really is just
(24:49):
recognizing that there'ssomething I'm unaware of that at
this point is none of mybusiness, because I wasn't
included in that conversation.
Um, and it was very easy toshift from like oh, that's,
that's weird, that's a bummer,to like whatever.
Um, but yeah, in the past therehave been times where, like
it's really super sad and like Ido, I go into like all the
(25:12):
stories and all the feels and Istay there.
I make it mean something thatit just doesn't mean.
So new normal really does meanthat like new ways of being
become the baseline for movingforward.
When you really do practicethese things Like it's not, like
it's hard forever and you tryand be intentional over your
(25:34):
neural pathways, adjust your,your perceptions, adjust and you
do create new baselines thatare a better for lack of better
word like a, a more sustainableor, um, a serving launch pad for
the next thing.
Right, we're meant to evolveand that we get to choose what
(25:58):
direction we do that in.
Keri (25:59):
Yes, yes, and as I look at I guess I hear you say that and
experience it I think one ofthe one of my driving questions
lately has been does this moveme towards my goal?
Does this move me towards theintention of what I'm creating
in my life?
So, for me, because I've had somany mental health issues and
because I've spent so manymonths of my life in a bed
(26:21):
depressed over, sometimes Iwould say, not trivial things,
but things that I now I'd belike they are relatively trivial
things, right, are relativelytrivial things right, relatively
right that I can say, like Ican make the choice and Jamie's
had to walk me through thissometimes this isn't like a
natural, this didn't comenaturally for me, like I really
had to work this so I can makethe choice that I could space,
(26:44):
spend my time in bed for threemonths being really depressed
about something that happened.
But does that move me closer tomy goal?
Well, no it doesn't.
So I can feel this, I canexperience this and I can go.
Okay, that happened.
Now move on, because medwelling in it and taking the
energy that it would have taken,because someone blocked me,
because some person left me,because, whatever, it's not
(27:04):
going to change my life bysitting there in the three
months.
The only thing that's going tochange is that I didn't get any
more closer to my goal bydwelling in it for three months.
Right, I can go.
Okay, well, I won't make up astory.
Then that happened and I canmove on.
Right, and then my thing, myprocess now might be sometimes
minutes, like Jamie said,sometimes I'm like, oh, that's
funny, like literally sometimesI laugh about it and then it's
(27:26):
then moves on.
Jamy (27:27):
Right, okay, I wonder what happened there.
Keri (27:29):
Okay, yes, that was the best thing for you.
Yes, I'm moving on to somethingelse.
Jamy (27:33):
Right, there's such freedom in that, though, there
is.
Keri (27:37):
Right, because then we don't take ourselves off our
path, because for me that wouldhave taken me straight off my
path.
Yeah, it blocks my path.
And now I'm like no, my path isso much more important than the
external stuff that shows up,that says to me if I go that way
, that's a distraction to pullme off my path, If I go that way
, it's a distraction to pull meoff my path, or I can go.
Yeah, I noticed that thathappened and I got my path.
(27:59):
You're apparently not on itanymore.
Jamy (28:02):
Right?
Well, and this is like cause wetalked about in an earlier
episode, like North star, right,you got to know what your path
is.
You got to know where you'regoing or you're aimless path.
Is you got to know where you'regoing or you're aimless, like
you are wobbly and flip-floppedeverywhere?
Um, the other thing you weretalking when you were talking
about that, though, this likeaha moment around this idea of
abandonment, because it is agenerational, um, chiron and
(28:24):
taurus thing, self-worth value,whatever.
Uh, why do we want so badly tobe with someone who does not
want to be with us, right?
Why am I like no, you need tolove me, when there's probably a
whole world of people like youwe were saying earlier, like
(28:47):
some relationships it's likehard, hard to feel loved, and
like it requires so much effortand there are people that would
like, without any effort, withso much ease, meet you exactly
the way you want to be met, butyou cannot find that person.
If you are chasing the one thathas such a hard time meeting
(29:10):
you where you want to be met,like, why are we facing the one
that is saying I don't want todo that for you, right, and
that's, in marriage, about usright marriage relationship
internally.
But then that's what we'rechasing versus this recognition
that, like I, am deeply lovableand valuable and I'm going to
trust that that person is goingto show up.
(29:30):
Right, like it's interesting, Imean, I have two daughters and
you have two sons.
Right, like they're in thisadolescent phase where we are
entering companionship anddating.
And like I mean I was 17 orshe'll be 18 in a couple of days
and recognizing, like, therelationships formed at this age
.
I mean, like I knew Kyle when Iwas 18 and I'm married to him
(29:51):
now.
Right, so, like these are notmeaningless relationships that
happen in at 18.
Um, but this dynamic ofwatching kids, teenagers,
adolescents which obviously goesinto adulthood because we were
still doing it in our datingyears of clinging to someone who
has shown us they can't meetour needs, right, what is?
(30:16):
You know?
It's like this, this awarenessthat when we recognize our own
value, we're not throwing it atsomeone who's like saying no,
thank you Right, right, it'skind of like I think right, I
think ultimately you know thenew normal can be.
Keri (30:34):
we just say thank you for the blessing that you gave me of
leaving my life and showing methat I'm not supposed to be on
this path with you anymore.
Jamy (30:41):
Yeah, and beautiful.
Keri (30:43):
Thank you so much for the beauty that was in it, right,
and thank you for showing meeverything that you did in the
relationship and thank you forbeing here for me.
And now what else is out hereLike it's like now, what's the
possibility?
Who's going to show up now?
Yeah, magic is going to show upnow, because that space has
been cleared, because apparentlywe're not supposed to be in it.
Jamy (31:00):
Yes, of like what could be , yeah, and it's interesting, I
feel, to bring into that, um,like there is discernment in
knowing what is worth fightingfor and what is not.
But only you know that and youhave to be brutally honest with
yourself around that.
What are you avoiding and whatare you moving towards?
And those things can be veryhard to discern and it really
(31:24):
does take self-reflection andlike brutal honesty.
You can't avoid yourself andyou got to sometimes do the
wrong thing and look from itRight, like it's not always
perfect.
Keri (31:36):
I loved dating for the, for the fact that one of the
things that was like always,like this guide of a
manifestation tool for me, I'mlike, oh, that didn't work, so
you exited, thank you, becauseyou weren't actually what was
supposed to be here, because youhad all these other things that
weren't working Right, excuseme.
And then I'd be like, okay,well, that didn't, that wasn't
right.
Like I always call data, likedataing right, like it's just a
(31:57):
data, right.
And then I'm like, okay, so nowI'm going to, I'm going to call
this in and, jamie, you wouldwatch me do it Like I mean, it
happened fast, right, I couldcall someone in the next day and
be like, oh, I got this thingRight.
And so when one door closes, itallows us to see what didn't
work and open a door tosomething else, and it literally
like that's what I loved aboutit and I love about it is like
(32:18):
it just opens doors so quicklyto like how fast can I bring
something new in?
Jamy (32:23):
Yeah, Right and it's magic .
Apply this to all of life.
I mean like business, parenting, any sort of relationship.
Like, try something, right, seewhat way do you get back,
adjust accordingly and do again.
We get stuck in this like,right or wrong, I'm gonna fail,
is it?
You know?
(32:52):
Like, what stop you in thislifetime on this planet?
Like, holy shit, that'sexciting and you're not going to
figure that out if you'rescared to try anything along the
way.
Right, like yeah, well, well,james, universal truths from
(33:12):
getting blocked on social mediaI think I think we've.
Keri (33:18):
Uh, I think we ran the circles on that one right
interesting anything you want totalk about social media.
Jamy (33:27):
Feel what you got to feel about it.
If it's something worthfighting for, bring it up.
But otherwise, justself-reflect and let us show you
, like where maybe you arefeeling fear of abandonment or
insecurity or whatever.
Integrate that or get support.
Integrating it whatever it is.
It doesn't, it's not personal,it actually has probably very
(33:47):
little to do with you.
Or, if it does, correct it,like repair it, whatever you got
to do, but like be an integritywith yourself and if you're an
integrity with yourself, let thechips fall where they may.
Oh, maybe it's.
It's.
It's liberating, liberating asfuck.
Yeah, it is I don't haveanything else to say, I think,
(34:12):
but I do think that we havethese little fun little we need
to start documenting, cause Ifeel like we do need to talk
about the, the, the backstory ofthe affairs.
Yes, the, the whole show offriends and lovers, because I'm
still a little hot under thecollar about that one.
(34:34):
Yeah, that activated myprotective big sister.
No, yeah, it did it all right.
(34:59):
Yes, until next time.
We love you so much.
And, um, come join us for morerandom, nuanced, meandering
conversations about whateverhappens to pop into our adhd
brain and let us know how this,how this, landed for you have
you, have you navigated orjourneyed your own experiences
of being blocked, or whetherfacebook or whether outside of
you know?
Keri (35:09):
let us know how this, how this landed for you?
Have you, have you navigated orjourneyed your own experiences
of being blocked, or whetherFacebook or whether outside of
you know?
Let us know?
Jamy (35:20):
All right, love you.
If you enjoyed this show, letus know.
We're all about authenticconnections.
To come chat with us on socialmedia or email links are listed
in the show notes.
Keri (35:34):
And please make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your
favorite platform and share themagic on your socials.
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