November 10, 2023 • 42 mins
In this episode of Real, Brave, Unstoppable, we're talking about all-or-nothing thinking, otherwise known as black-and-white thinking, binary thinking, or extreme thinking.
You'll learn:
- what all-or-nothing thinking is
- why it's usually not helpful
- tools for you to think more flexibly (i.e. find the "gray area" in your thoughts)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, everyone and welcome backto real, brave and unstoppable
(00:03):
for episode number it's either118 or 119 now...
I always forget.
Today I'm going to talk aboutall or nothing thinking
otherwise known as black andwhite thinking or thinking in
extremes, binary thinking.
I'm going to talk about what itis, why it doesn't usually serve
you.
Like, you know, why we careabout it.
And how to shift your thinkingto something that's more helpful
(00:26):
to you.
So we'll dive into that in a fewminutes, but first I want to
share with you a very cool offerthat I have for the holiday
season, which it's insane thatthat season is like here.
But, I have a, and also I have abeta program that I'm going to
be offering in the new year.
So, I'm going to talk about bothof those things real quickly
(00:47):
before we dive into the meat ofthe episode.
But obviously the holiday seasonis like right around the corner
and this can be a really hardtime for a lot of us.
It's stressful anyway, there's alot going on.
We take on too much.
Oftentimes our healthy habits goout the window.
Uh, some people have a reallytough time with sadness or
(01:08):
grief.
I know for me, it brings up alot of memories of when I was
going through my divorce andthat's really hard.
And then there are a lot ofother things too, but the point
is it's a fun time and it canalso be a hard season for a lot
of people.
So I'm offering a super amazingone-time session to help you
(01:29):
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That could be how to let go ofneeding to be perfect during
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So is some an unnecessaryperfectionism getting in your
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(01:51):
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(02:13):
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Or, even really just looking at,you know, looking ahead to the
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We can also kind of look at inthis past year.
(02:34):
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(02:55):
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(03:16):
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(03:37):
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So next thing.
Some of, you may know that I'malso a personal trainer,
certified personal trainer.
(03:57):
And I just finished aspecialized certification for
women's specific health andfitness coaching.
Being active has always been apassion for me, and now that
I've entered, like the secondcentury of my life.
Haha.
I'm really embracing howimportant it is to have good
nutrition and movement habits.
And these are just two of thethings that can help mitigate
(04:18):
the effects and symptoms thatcome with menopause and aging.
So it's so important.
And so many people getoverwhelmed with how to
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So I'm really excited aboutthis.
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I'm going to be starting a groupprogram late January that will
(04:42):
help you set some wellness goalsaround fitness and movement,
healthy eating and alsomindfulness.
So it's going to be so awesome.
We'll have weekly calls where wecan all really connect and learn
from each other.
So still working on details.
So just make sure that you aresubscribed to my newsletter.
Over at Courtney Revard.
(05:03):
Dot com slash love life.
You can subscribe to mynewsletter.
You also get a free download.
So that's cool too.
That just make sure you'resubscribed and you'll be the
first to know about any newdevelopments on that front.
All right.
So let's dive into black andwhite thinking or all or nothing
thinking.
So, thoughts like, you know, I'mthe best or I'm the worst?
(05:27):
There's no, in-between, that's,that's kind of obvious, right?
It's one or the other.
For extremes.
Or like, my partner is amazingwhen things are going well.
And then when something happens,oh, my partner is awful and I
want to break up.
Some of you, it might not bethat extreme, but you know, like
it's either one or the other.
Everything is all good or allbad, or, you know, Really easy
(05:48):
or really hard.
There's really nothing inbetween., Like I mentioned, it's
also known black and whitethinking all or nothing
thinking, polarized thinking,binary, thinking.
Lots of different terms for it.
But, these thoughts make itreally hard to be productive, to
feel good about your work.
This is where I'm impostersyndrome or imposter phenomenon
(06:09):
tends to come from.
it makes it hard to have goodrelationships work well with
others, work well with yourselfor forgive yourself, love
yourself.
And also having thoughts likethis on a regular basis can
really impact your emotionalhealth in a big time, negative
way.
(06:29):
So why, why is that?
I mean, they're just thoughts,right?
It's because we believe them.
When our brain has a thought, wetend to be like, oh God, my
brains thought it.
So it must be true.
And, you know, life isn't eitheror.
You know, so that's why they'renot helpful life isn't this or
that life is made up of allkinds of nuanced shades of gray
(06:53):
in between.
So.
I think I had actually said tomy partner the other day,
something like, you know, thingsaren't always black and white.
And then I pulled up the songthat I really like called The
Beauty of Gray and it's by aband called Live.
I don't know if you don't knowwho live is.
Uh, it's like a nineties band.
You've probably heard a song oftheirs, but that's neither here
(07:16):
nor there.
The song has some great lyricsin it.
The lyrics are fantastic, butit's called the beauty of gray
and I'm going to just play thechorus.
I hope I don't get in troublefor this, but if I do, I'll just
remove it.
So if you're listening to thisin the future and the song isn't
here, that's why.
But, just take a quick, listento this chorus.
(07:37):
So I'm going to read them incase you didn't catch them, but
the chorus, this is not a blackand white world.
To be alive I say the colorsmust swirl.
And I believe that maybe today,We will all get to appreciate.
Yes, we will all get toappreciate the beauty of gray.
So.
Yeah, I just, I really love thatso much.
(07:59):
And I've always loved that song.
Um, it's an old song, but youknow, talk about how we can't
afford to stay stuck on thethoughts we think.
Are the quote unquote rightthoughts because nothing is ever
black or white.
All or nothing.
Life is full of gray area.
And when we can really embracethat and respond a little more
flexibly to the thoughts wehave.
(08:21):
In other words, we don't justautomatically believe it because
it came out of our brain.
We can have lives that arericher and really in alignment
with what we really want.
So let's go into a little deeperwhat all or nothing or black and
white thinking is.
It's when you have a hard timeconsidering both negative and
(08:41):
positive perceptions ofyourself, of others
circumstances.
Into a realistic and like wholeview.
I kind of like to think of it,like continuum where on either
end there's an extreme.
And then in between, there areall kinds of other
possibilities.
Or sometimes when I'm trying toexplain this to my clients, I
(09:02):
talk, I talk about an accordion.
So if you imagine, you know,black and white or all or
nothing, it's like the two endsof the accordion are smushed
together.
But if you think about thentrying to see other
possibilities, it's like you'repulling the accordion apart and
there's all this stuff inbetween.
So people who struggle withblack and white thinking often
(09:25):
think in those extremes, butdon't consider the middle part,
all those other gray shades.
there's not like a middleground.
That's why, um, black and whitethinkers have a hard time being
flexible or negotiating as well.
Have you ever experienced thatwith someone or have you ever
been that person?
I've been that person.
(09:45):
I think we all are at somepoint.
But this type of thinking isalso common in people that
struggle with anxiety,depression, low self worth self
criticism, body image, eatingdisorders.
Yeah, and all of these can alsobe tied to perfectionism.
You know, it's either a good ora bad.
(10:06):
I either succeeded or failed.
And I can create some, somepretty tough feelings.
Can really feel hopelesssometimes.
I mean, think about it, ifthings are either good or bad
and you don't hit good, well,it's kind of hopeless, right?
So some examples of black andwhite thinking.
How do you know that you're init?
So some words, there are somekey words to watch out for:
(10:29):
always, never, impossible,ruined, failure.
Perfect.
Should.
Disaster.
Alright.
I love to share these keywordswith people I'm working with,
because it just helps you like,kinda notice these thought traps
a little bit easier.
Kind of helps cue you in to, oh,wait a minute.
I might want to look at thatthought.
(10:50):
Some other examples are, youknow, because I'm not perfect
that I'm nothing at all orbecause I'm not good at this I
suck at everything or, do itright or don't do it at all.
It's either good or it's bad.
Go big or go home.
That's one that I actually stilluse a lot.
And I kind of, as I was thinkingabout this episode, I realized
(11:12):
in my last episode about halfdome, I commented on how go big
or go home is kind of one of mythings, right.
And then, when I was outliningin this episode, I thought to
myself, oh, it's actually kindof a black and white thought.
So I do it too.
yeah.
And while we tend to focus onnegative thoughts, even
something that results in a goodfeeling can also be a black and
(11:35):
white thought.
Because, you know, you can alsodiscount potential bad things.
Most people are stuck on the badthings with this, but a good can
also go the other way.
And of course, you know, when wefocus on the bad possibilities
and I use those things inquotes, but, we do tend to
discount like the quote unquotegood ones.
Right?
(11:55):
So this extreme, one or theother thinking pattern, it just
creates a really rigid outlookon things.
You know, because we're rigid.
It's just really tough to seethe nuance in between.
The shades of gray.
And this can create a lot ofproblems.
So let's talk about theproblems.
(12:18):
When we think in extremes, wefocus our attention and thoughts
on what's not going well,usually.
So then we just see the bad ineverything.
So if you recall, we've talkedabout this on the show quite
often...
But everything starts with athought.
Now this is general generally,but like, if you think about it,
when we have a lot of negativethoughts, they create negative
(12:42):
emotions.
They create emotions that don'tfeel great.
So like, if you let's say I usethis example all the time with
people, but let's just sayyou're sitting here and somebody
that you really like walks intothe room.
You haven't seen him for a longtime and your thought is, oh my
gosh, I'm so excited to see heror him.
And you feel excited.
And you know, that leads to abehaviors, which is you might
(13:07):
get up and run across the roomand give them a hug.
So in contrast, if your thoughtis negative, like, oh God, I
can't stand that person.
I wish I could hide.
The emotions going to feel verydifferent.
You're certainly not going to beexcited.
And the behavior, certainly notgoing to run across the room and
(13:28):
give them a hug.
You know, your, emotion might bedisgust or disdain or whatever,
and your behavior might be to gohide in the corner.
or something or, you know,whatever that is.
You're not going to act the sameif you had a negative thought as
if you had a positive thought,unless you are really
intentional and you're able tounhook from that and
(13:51):
intentionally choose yourbehavior.
So that's another, that'soutside of the scope of this
episode, but, this whole thoughtchain can also really make us
think negatively aboutourselves.
So, you know, if you think abouthaving that negative thought
missing one thing on apresentation, then all of a
sudden that equals of thepresentation sucked.
(14:13):
You know, or if you get feedbackon something like a performance
review, I worked with a clientearlier this year who got a
little bit of like constructivefeedback on something at work.
And the rest of her review isactually pretty good.
And that one thing turned itinto this terrible review.
I failed at this.
It can also manifest as impostersyndrome and imposter
(14:36):
phenomenon, is kind of whatpeople are calling it these
days.
Perfectionism, low self-esteem.
So like, think aboutperfectionism.
Nobody's ever perfect.
Right?
So if you're either, if you're ablack and white thinker, If you
don't do something well...
Well, if you don't do somethingperfect, then it's a failure,
well, then you're always goingto be in failure.
(14:57):
So, you're always going to bethinking negatively about
yourself, right.
And that really leads to lowself esteem.
Um, it really impactsrelationships too.
Like if you are looking at, youknow, your partner and
everything, your partner does isall good or all bad, that can
cause us to be really reactiveor all of a sudden like he or
(15:19):
she is just on our shit list.
Where in reality, we all dothings that aren't ideal.
So like, can we just talk aboutit and problem solve?
So sometimes it's really hard tolike do that if you're in a
space of a binary thinking.
Work.
is another thing, like if youonly see the negative, that can
(15:40):
impact you in that you mightfeel just really miserable.
Yeah.
If you try to look at the, youknow, most things, there are
good things and bad things.
Maybe some of the gray area inthere is you're able to see that
you know, you do have a lot offreedom.
You can work at home all thetime or, you know, things like
that.
So, difficult situations in lifetoo, like when I went through my
(16:04):
divorce, I mean, I can't eventell you the number of times I
thought, oh, my life is ruined.
Things will never get better.
I'm never going to feel better.
I'm always going to feel likethis.
Yes.
I actually had those thoughts.
But, they're not exactlyempowering, inspiring or
motivating.
Right?
So that doesn't really, it's nothelpful.
Um, you might feel that way andthat's okay to feel that, you
(16:26):
know, it's okay to think thosethings and feel that way.
But that's the thing we got torecognize that they're just
thoughts.
With health, looking at certainfoods as good or bad.
Or working out- if I don't getthis exact workout and workout
routine completed.
I suck at this.
I can't, I can't stick toanything.
(16:46):
Right.
It's.
Ah, how did that lead to that?
That's really, the power ofcoaching is, you know, I've
worked with coaches before inthe past on like training for
things.
And it's like, you know, thetendency when you're training
for something is, oh, I miss twoworkouts.
And it feels like so terrible onyour coach is like, well, you
got.
(17:07):
Five workouts in.
That's awesome.
That's hard.
That's an accomplishment.
And it's like, oh yeah, I guessit kind of is.
Right.
so this type of thinking isalso, it's a great way to keep
you stuck.
If you're thinking is like, Ican't do that, you're not really
going to feel the emotions thatpush you to move through your
edges.
(17:28):
You know, like we talked aboutthought, we talked about the
negative thoughts, negativeemotions, behaviors.
If your thought is I can't dothis, or I'm afraid of this, or
this might hurt me, you're goingto feel afraid and then you're
probably not going to step outof your comfort zone.
Or you might, but if yourthought is, I'm afraid, but I
(17:48):
know I can do this.
That's very different.
This is the question that's sointeresting, but like, if this
isn't helpful, why do we do it?
And this one's a verycomplicated answer.
And actually it's really notthat complicated.
In short, the human brain doesnot love nuance or complexity.
That's just too much work.
Our brains are always looking tosimplify things.
(18:10):
And on top of that, our brainswant us to stay you know, want
to help us stay safe.
Quote unquote.
so if you think back to like ourhunter gatherer ancestors, if
they heard something in thebushes, like they're either
going to assume that they couldgo find something to eat, they
could find a meal or they weregoing to be eaten as a meal.
So their brain needed to reallythink in pretty cut and dry
(18:33):
terms.
For survival purposes, really.
It wasn't like, they really hadto think about a lot of
different complex things.
It was kind of like, yeah, thething's either going to eat me
or I'm going to eat it.
There's not really a lot ofin-between necessarily.
We learned how to keep thingssimple and binary because our
brains really like it that way.
(18:53):
It's just so much easier.
Think about it, when you have alot on your mind, or you have to
think through something that hasa lot of moving pieces, it's
exhausting.
Right.
But if something's reallysimple, it's like, oh cool.
Like that's not, that's not alot of mental baggage to carry.
But so all of this worked reallywell when life was actually
simpler, but life has justbecome so much more nuanced and
(19:17):
complex.
And to understand it, or thrivein this world, we really need to
have thinking, allows us to seein more nuanced ways.
If we want to see things moreclosely to the truth.
So our brain will tell us inblack and white thinking, this
is the truth.
But that's the thing is we haveto be able to step outside of
(19:38):
that.
So interestingly enough.
The part of the brain that isresponsible for seeing nuance,
uh, logic, data, trends.
That's the prefrontal cortex.
And this is the last part of ourbrain to fully develop.
And it doesn't actually developuntil we're like in our early
twenties.
And males take longer thanfemales.
(20:00):
I'm not going to make any jokesabout that.
So, if you think about peoplethat age, you know, in late
teenage years or early twenties,have you ever heard yourself go,
why don't they just grow up?
Like a lot of it is that PFC isjust not fully developed yet.
So there is some science to thatalso.
(20:22):
But when we getting back ontopic, when we think in black
and white, we don't actuallyhave to really work to think.
So that's why it's great.
Right?
It's easy.
And the brain also wants tocreate certainty and security.
So it also looks for evidence tosupport that simple thinking.
And what we think will keep ussafe.
(20:42):
The brain thinks will keep ussafe.
The problem is that when we'restuck in black and white
thinking, we don't reallyconsider all of the
possibilities.
There's a lot we miss.
We skim over it.
And in reality, there are alwaysmany, many possibilities.
Life is really complex andnuanced friends.
Right?
(21:03):
So this brings me back to mysong.
This is not a black and whiteworld to be alive, I say the
colors must swirl.
So to really live and makechoices.
Including the thoughts we choosethat serve the life we want and
the people we want to be.
We need to consider otherperspectives and possibilities.
So when I thought about becominga coach, my first thought was I
(21:25):
can't do that.
I was going through a toughdivorce.
I didn't have really the moneyto get certified.
I didn't know how to set up abusiness for coaching.
There are tons of things Ididn't know how to do.
And my initial response was toover-simplify all of this.
It was just a lot for my brainto think about, but I
oversimplified it into well,what if I can't.
(21:47):
Which was kind of like saying,well, probably not something I
can consider because I don'tknow if I can.
So if I hadn't really spent thetime to break this apart and
look at all the little nuancesof this, you know, can't
statement.
Or how to coach to help me dothat.
I really, I might not be talkingto you here on this podcast
today.
So, that's pretty powerful.
Like, think about that.
(22:09):
A shift in one thought that Ihad changed the course of my
life.
So now we've talked aboutextreme thinking a lot.
What it is, why it's nothelpful, why we do it.
Examples of doing it.
And it's all great to talk aboutthis stuff, right.
(22:30):
But how do we actually stopthinking in these very
simplistic binary terms?
So my favorite saying, as youprobably have figured out by now
is"awareness is always half thebattle".
So that's where we start.
It's simply awareness.
Like you're not going to changethis stuff overnight, but I do
have some things that I reallythink are, and I mean, you can
(22:54):
Google how to deal with blackand white thinking and whatever,
and you'll find similar things.
So I didn't just come up withall this on my own, but, we'll
go through some things that Ilike to recommend for dealing
with this kind of thinking.
First of all, I just want to sayit's, it's okay to have it.
Like it's normal.
So let's just normalize that weall have this.
(23:14):
We all have thoughts that aren'thelpful.
We all think in extremesometimes.
So it's not a big deal.
That's just, we always have toask if it's helpful.
So ways to work with it though.
The first one is mindfulness ormindful awareness.
Most people who are like reallyentrenched in black and white
thinking or all or nothingthinking don't actually realize
(23:35):
that it's a problem.
So the first step is to noticeyour thoughts.
I can't tell you how many timesI talk to people and they're
just really fused into like,just because they thought it
it's absolutely true.
I was talking to someone theother day about, Like what other
people thought about her.
(23:55):
I was like, but how do you knowthey feel that way about you?
How do you know they're thinkingthat about you?
And she's like, well, I can justtell.
And so it was like, well, howcan you tell.
Well, I can just tell.
So that's really entrenched inthat thinking because like,
you've, you've gotta be able tostep outside of yourself and
like, see that oh, okay.
That's a thought I'm having, andI really want to believe that, I
(24:18):
really think it's true, but letme see if I can just think about
what one other possibility mightbe.
But the first step is like justbeing aware of the thoughts.
Right?
So it's just being aware that,oh right now I'm assuming that
person doesn't like me.
And I believe it.
Just the awareness.
It's not even having to doanything.
It's observation.
(24:39):
When I work with people on this,I suggest they start introducing
a really short, simple, mindfulawareness practice into their
day.
It's just a quick check-in.
Just to notice what's present,like, what am I thinking?
What am I feeling?
What am I doing?
What's going on around me?
How does my body feel?
Things like that.
And you can do this any time inyour day.
(25:01):
I suggest following JamesClear's advice from atomic
habits.
Just to stack the habit withsomething that you already do.
Like brushing your teeth ordrinking your morning coffee or
getting in the car to drive towork.
Often the hardest part isactually remembering to do it.
So things like sticky notes orphone alarms, or tools that have
(25:22):
worked well for my clients.
And for me too, I was working onmindful eating awhile back.
I was, working with a coach onthat and, I was working on just
eating slow and then noticing mysatisfaction level of like an,
you know, on a continuum of likezero to 10, like how satisfied
(25:42):
am I?
And I was trying to eat to aseven, so it wasn't like really
stuffed.
I was just kind of comfortablyfull, like, you know, and.
I went a whole week of knowingthat I was trying to do this and
I didn't do it at all.
So I do this too.
So I finally started putting asticky note on the table.
Let's say just on the table andit just said seven.
That's it?
(26:03):
So it's just something to remindyou to do it.
Journaling can also be reallyhelpful, and this can really
look like a brain dump, justsimple brain dump.
And that that might even looklike noticed I was thinking
about how badly I bought mypresentation.
Or I notice I'm worried thatbecause my kid failed this test
(26:24):
that I'm a bad parent.
And some of the thoughts won'tbe quite that extreme, you know,
they'll maybe they will, butyou'll see a mix of them.
But then you can, that helpswith the awareness you can start
to see.
Oh yeah.
I have a lot of these.
You know, those sound prettyblack and white.
So that leads me to my nextpoint.
Cause I'm sure you're allwondering, okay.
Now that I have awareness ofthese thoughts, what do I
(26:45):
actually do with that?
So the first step or the firstthing related to working on them
is there's this question.
That I really like.
is It true?
Is that actually true?
This is the first step to Byronkatie's what she calls the work.
The simple question, is it true?
(27:06):
And remember your brain, itlikes to keep things simple.
So it is going to play tricks onyou.
You know, it'll say of course,it's true.
Silly.
Why would you question me?
I thought it, so of course it'strue.
So then you've got to askthough, because you recognize
your brains trying to outsmartyou.
So you ask yourself, is itactually a fact, like, could it
be proven.
(27:27):
In a court of law.
With like objective evidence.
A judge would say it's true.
That's that's the trick.
Haha brain.
Gotcha.
So your brain will try to findtruth in something it's just as
the way it works.
Another question.
You can ask yourself if thequestion, is it true trips you
(27:47):
up?
Is, um, is it helpful?
So sometimes like we don't evenreally care that much if it's
true.
Because the question's really,if the thought helps you or not.
Right?
So in Byron Katie's the work,her question that relates to
this one, is it helpful?
Is, is there a stress-freereason to keep the thought, that
question I feel like is, I likethat question, but sometimes if
(28:10):
you're not like really in thecoaching world or the personal
development world, that one canbe a little harder to like
grasp.
But for the sake of explainingit, for example, if my thought
is, I suck at relationships,like, is there a stress free
reason to keep the thought"Isuck at relationships?" Not
(28:30):
really.
Right.
There's not really a reason tokeep that one.
sometimes your brain might wantto keep it.
Like.
It's almost like a scapegoat.
Sometimes your brain will kindof try to tell you that it's,
it's good to keep it because ifthat's true for you, I suck at
relationships.
Then, if you fail at arelationship, then, it's like,
(28:54):
it's pretty cut and dried.
Right?
You don't have to worry about,you know, all these little
things about you as a personthat are bad.
It's like, no, I just suck atrelationships.
It's almost like a littlescapegoat.
But that's not really astress-free reason because it's
not a very nice thing to thinkabout yourself.
Right.
If I don't, I hope that makessense.
You know, or sometimes there arepeople I work with on body
(29:16):
image.
And they might have somethoughts around like, you know,
I'm fat or I need to fit into asize X, Y, Z, whatever.
Right.
And so those thoughts they'rereally afraid to let go of them.
They're not nice thoughts.
They're not really helpful.
So if we ask, is there astress-free reason to keep them.
So if I asked that question, Iguarantee you like half the
(29:40):
people will say, well, if Idon't think these thoughts, I
won't push myself and then I'lljust let myself go and then I'll
end up even bigger.
So, that's not a stress-freereason to keep the thought
though.
Cause it's not creating lessstress for you.
So I, that one, that examplemight be a little more clear.
So that's that that's really ahelpful thing.
(30:01):
Those questions are superhelpful to ask.
the next thing is consideringother possibilities.
Like this is my favorite part.
This is where we get to getreally expansive.
So your black and white thoughtis one possibility.
So if your thought is, oh,Jessica talked to me with this
(30:22):
really nasty tone.
So she thinks I'm a terribleperson.
That's one possibility.
What's another possibility?
So she's just in a bad mood.
What's another possibility?
She's she's having a bad day.
Or she is mad at someone else.
Or she's she?
Yeah, she doesn't like me.
(30:42):
That is a possibility.
Right.
So there's all kinds ofpossibilities.
But the idea is that we don'treally know.
Unless we ask.
Like we don't really know forsure unless Jessica tells us
that.
Another question I love in thisrealm is like, who would you get
to be?
If you didn't have the thought.
So what would be possible foryou?
Um, so here's another example: you text someone like let's say (31:04):
undefined
his name is Josh.
You texted Josh and he doesn'trespond to you for two days.
So you immediately assume, oh,Josh doesn't think I'm
attractive.
Josh doesn't like me, Josh, youknow, blah, blah, blah.
Cause he didn't text me.
So is that possible?
Of course it's possible, but wedon't know for sure.
(31:24):
Like we can't prove it in acourt of law.
It's not a fact unless he tellsus this.
So another possibility is maybehe's busy at work.
Maybe he had something come upin his life that's really
important right now.
Maybe he lost his phone.
Maybe, you know, thepossibilities or the gray area,
those are, they're reallyendless.
Right?
SO another question I love inthis realm is who would you get
(31:47):
to be if you didn't have thatthought?
What would be possible for you?
So maybe it would be confidence.
Like if I didn't worry aboutJosh not responding to me, if I
didn't have the thought that hedoesn't like me, because he
didn't text me.
If you didn't have that thought,you might notice he didn't text
you back and just go about yourday.
(32:07):
So you have less anxiety aboutit because it doesn't bother
you.
If you didn't have the thought,I need to lose weight.
Like how much energy, I mean,women out there.
How many of you raise your handhave ever had that thought and
like obsessed about it?
I know I have.
How much energy does thatthought suck out of you?
(32:31):
Think of all the brain space.
You would have, if you didn'tworry about that.
Right.
So who would you get to be ifyou didn't have that thought?
next thing that you can do tosort of, like actually prove if
these thoughts you have aretrue.
If it involves what, like whatsomeone else thinks, is really
to just ask.
(32:52):
So that's not always the easiestthing to do.
I totally recognize that.
But, here's an example.
I was working with a client whoworries a lot about what other
people think about her.
This obviously comes up a lot.
We all care, or most of us careor have cared at one point or
another.
But she assumes that she'sbothering them.
(33:13):
Or that if the conversationstops that they just don't want
to talk to her.
So when I challenged her on thisshe said, well, I can just tell.
And so the thing is about thatis that your biased brain thinks
it can tell, but you can'treally know unless you ask,
because we are not mind readers.
We don't know.
You might have an idea, butreally you can't prove it until
(33:36):
you ask.
Right?
So you have to get reallylogical about this here.
So go ahead and ask, like, maybeyou say, Hey, it seems like our
conversation is kind of stalled.
Like, am I bothering you?
Or if you're worried aboutbothering someone, maybe just
say, oh, are you busy?
Am I getting you at a bad time?
Or you can be really blunt andlike, let's just say somebody
(33:57):
spoke to you with a really harshtone, and you're assuming that
they're mad at you.
Well, you can just say, Hey, Inoticed that you seemed a little
upset.
Did I do something to upset you?
Or like, is there something thatI did or, you know, you can
always ask and then, you know.
And if your brain's reallytricky, it'll say, yeah, but
(34:18):
nobody would ever tell me.
I had somebody say that to me.
But yeah, I mean then you're,that's another thinking trap,
that's another like all ornothing thinking like, you're
assuming that because of this,then this.
So you can always ask.
So the next thing is to reallynotice your word choices.
(34:39):
So there are definitely some ofthose, black and white or all,
or nothing words like never,should, always, you know, things
like that.
Sometimes is a great gray word.
Or like, if you tend to go tolike worst case scenario
thinking like, I'm like, you'reall of a sudden, oh, this is a
disaster.
Sort of like reframing that alittle bit and say, I notice I'm
(35:02):
having the thought that this isa disaster.
So it's sort of like, okay, Inotice it's just a thought.
Or like, I mentioned the wordsometimes.
Other phrases or words that youcan try shifting to, or playing
around with.
I'm noticing that this all seemsreally bad to me.
Or, you know, I'm willing to, isanother one.
(35:25):
Like if you're, if your thoughtis I'm really bad at this, maybe
a better, like a gray thoughtcould be: I noticed I'm thinking
I'm really bad at this.
I'm willing to think aboutanother possibility.
Or, you know, I'm willing toacknowledge that, you know, I
might not be bad at all of this.
I don't like the circumstance.
I prefer something different.
(35:47):
those are some other ones.
Or I'm flexible enough to seethis other possibility.
So just play around with thosewords, like notice the words
that are really all or nothingor extreme or binary and see if
you can put a different one inthere to make it a little less
extreme.
(36:08):
Okay.
So another thing that I reallylike is if you kInd of reverse
roles.
So let's just say you have areally good friend who's having
the same all or nothingthinking.
What would you say to yourfriend?
Sometimes it's a lot easier towork with this stuff if you
remove yourself from it.
Because we're a lot harder onourselves than we are on other
(36:29):
people.
So if you think about yourfriend, having the thought, oh,
I, I messed up this one slide inthis presentation.
So therefore the whole thingsucked.
Like, what would you tell afriend about that?
So that's a good perspective totry on.
Next one.
I love this one is specific,negative, specific, positive.
(36:50):
So this is really forcing yourbrain to stop making the
generalization.
So what this means is.
You in the thought that you'rehaving.
Like.
You need to find one specificthing that's negative and one
specific thing that's positive.
I like to start with thepositive, but here's an example:
(37:12):
so a very all or nothing thoughtwould be.
I'm not cut out for college.
A specific, positive, specificnegative.
The specific positive might be: I'm getting an a in English, the (37:22):
undefined
specific negative might be:.
I struggle with math.
So, you know, there's a goodthing and a bad thing.
So you're making yourself lookat other things besides just the
negative parts of it.
All right.
And then the last thing that youcan do to work on these is,
(37:42):
seriously...
Obviously I'm a coach, so like,I'm going to tell you to work
with a coach, but like, I'm notkidding.
People, these things are hard tosee on your own.
Your brain is so tricky.
It wants to believe this stuffover and over and over.
It's a they're patterns, right?
They're habits we have in ourbrains or pathways that are worn
deep in our brain.
(38:02):
So it's really tough to changethese things.
It's really easy to have blindspots and not really notice the
thoughts that are keeping usstuck.
So.
You know, I even have blindspots.
Like I work on this stuff withpeople every single day, except
for weekends.
And I still have blind spotsthat I discover all the time.
(38:23):
It's some of my favorite workand it's so powerful.
Your thoughts are so powerful.
So it's really important to dowhat you can to make them
quality thoughts.
and I do have limited space forjust a few one-on-one private
clients.
So if you want to learn moreabout working on the thoughts
that are keeping you stuck innegativity or perfectionism or
(38:45):
low self-esteem or just, youknow, really holding you back
from creating the life you wantor being the you want to be,
just reach out, go to my websiteand hit the contact me form.
Or shoot me an email.
All right.
So in conclusion, Black andwhite thinking...
all or nothing thinking, extremethinking, binary thinking.
(39:06):
It's when you're really notallowing yourself to see all
that beautiful gray area inthere.
It's kind of funny that ourbrain is made up of like gray
matter.
And yet it really tends to thinkin black and white, I just
realized that I don't know.
It's kind of funny.
But you know, in short, all ofthose extreme thoughts are
really not helping us.
And so it's really important toremember that just because you
(39:30):
have the thoughts doesn't meanthey're true.
You are not your thoughts.
You're just the person havingthe thoughts and your brain is
kind of like a word machine.
It just spits out sentences allday long to the tune of like 60
to 90,000 thoughts a day.
So a lot of those thoughts aregoing to be really random and
really not particularly usefulin any way.
(39:54):
So that's the great news aboutthis stuff.
You get to let you get to decideyou get to practice awareness
and notice what thoughts arereally serving you and which
ones aren't.
And then you can really work onshifting those to work for you
instead of against you.
So, I hope that was helpful.
(40:14):
Like I said at some of myfavorite work to do so I hope it
was helpful.
Finally, before I let you go ifyou're enjoying the show, the
best way to support it is to goleave a rating and a review.
and also share it, share it onInstagram or Facebook or
wherever you show up online onsocial.
(40:35):
And tag me when you do it.
I'm kortneyrivardlifecoach onboth Facebook and Instagram.
It's really the best way to letpeople know about the show and
who knows, like there might be alittle nugget that I talk about
that might really help someoneout.
So.
Go do that.
Thank you.
All right, friends.
Thanks for tuning in.
And I will see you again nexttime.
Hello, everyone and welcome backto real, brave and unstoppable
(00:03):
for episode number it's either118 or 119 now...
I always forget.
Today I'm going to talk aboutall or nothing thinking
otherwise known as black andwhite thinking or thinking in
extremes, binary thinking.
I'm going to talk about what itis, why it doesn't usually serve
you.
Like, you know, why we careabout it.
And how to shift your thinkingto something that's more helpful
(00:26):
to you.
So we'll dive into that in a fewminutes, but first I want to
share with you a very cool offerthat I have for the holiday
season, which it's insane thatthat season is like here.
But, I have a, and also I have abeta program that I'm going to
be offering in the new year.
So, I'm going to talk about bothof those things real quickly
(00:47):
before we dive into the meat ofthe episode.
But obviously the holiday seasonis like right around the corner
and this can be a really hardtime for a lot of us.
It's stressful anyway, there's alot going on.
We take on too much.
Oftentimes our healthy habits goout the window.
Uh, some people have a reallytough time with sadness or
(01:08):
grief.
I know for me, it brings up alot of memories of when I was
going through my divorce andthat's really hard.
And then there are a lot ofother things too, but the point
is it's a fun time and it canalso be a hard season for a lot
of people.
So I'm offering a super amazingone-time session to help you
(01:29):
with like one holiday relatedissue that you're not really
sure how to navigate.
That could be how to let go ofneeding to be perfect during
this time.
You know, it really doesn'tmatter what kind of wrapping
paper you have or if you havebows and all the presents...
So is some an unnecessaryperfectionism getting in your
way, or maybe you have a familysituation that you're trying to
(01:51):
navigate.
You know how to set someboundaries, things like that.
Maybe it's sticking to healthfuleating habits.
There are a lot of partiesduring this time of the year.
And sometimes it can feel likeevery weekend you're having to
like manage like, thinking aboutnot drinking too much or not
eating too much.
And often, or like our healthymovement, or exercise routines
(02:13):
kind of go out the window whenwe get busy.
There's usually a lot of thingson the to-do list.
So kind of managing thatoverwhelm with that something
that we can work on.
Or, even really just looking at,you know, looking ahead to the
new year, like, what do you wantto vote?
What do you want to accomplishin the new year?
We can also kind of look at inthis past year.
(02:34):
Like what, what do you wishwould have gone differently?
And how can you prepare forlike, making some changes
related to that in the new year?
So many things.
So it's a 45 minute session andit's only$49.
Like that's so cheap guys.
It's like my gift to you.
It's like just barely over adollar a minute, which is
(02:55):
insane.
It's like$180 value.
So.
You know, you also get the rareopportunity to do a one-off
session with me to see whatcoaching is like, and that's not
something I do very often.
Usually if you want to work withme, you've got to commit to a,
like a container of time.
But this one, you know, duringthe holidays, people are so busy
(03:16):
anyway, like I mentioned, sohaving this one session.
Can really kind of change yourseason.
So what if you were able toinvest$49 and$49 got you so much
more ease, so much more funbeing present with your kids.
Not pulling your hair out due tostress.
(03:37):
Not gaining those five to 10pounds that most people gain
during the holidays.
That's kind of a no brainer tome.
So visit the show notes for thelink.
Go visit the link and you canjust purchase it on the, on the
website.
So next thing.
Some of, you may know that I'malso a personal trainer,
certified personal trainer.
(03:57):
And I just finished aspecialized certification for
women's specific health andfitness coaching.
Being active has always been apassion for me, and now that
I've entered, like the secondcentury of my life.
Haha.
I'm really embracing howimportant it is to have good
nutrition and movement habits.
And these are just two of thethings that can help mitigate
(04:18):
the effects and symptoms thatcome with menopause and aging.
So it's so important.
And so many people getoverwhelmed with how to
implement some of these reallycrucial habits into our lives.
So I'm really excited aboutthis.
As sort of a way to incorporatebody, mind, and soul overall
wellness.
I'm going to be starting a groupprogram late January that will
(04:42):
help you set some wellness goalsaround fitness and movement,
healthy eating and alsomindfulness.
So it's going to be so awesome.
We'll have weekly calls where wecan all really connect and learn
from each other.
So still working on details.
So just make sure that you aresubscribed to my newsletter.
Over at Courtney Revard.
(05:03):
Dot com slash love life.
You can subscribe to mynewsletter.
You also get a free download.
So that's cool too.
That just make sure you'resubscribed and you'll be the
first to know about any newdevelopments on that front.
All right.
So let's dive into black andwhite thinking or all or nothing
thinking.
So, thoughts like, you know, I'mthe best or I'm the worst?
(05:27):
There's no, in-between, that's,that's kind of obvious, right?
It's one or the other.
For extremes.
Or like, my partner is amazingwhen things are going well.
And then when something happens,oh, my partner is awful and I
want to break up.
Some of you, it might not bethat extreme, but you know, like
it's either one or the other.
Everything is all good or allbad, or, you know, Really easy
(05:48):
or really hard.
There's really nothing inbetween., Like I mentioned, it's
also known black and whitethinking all or nothing
thinking, polarized thinking,binary, thinking.
Lots of different terms for it.
But, these thoughts make itreally hard to be productive, to
feel good about your work.
This is where I'm impostersyndrome or imposter phenomenon
(06:09):
tends to come from.
it makes it hard to have goodrelationships work well with
others, work well with yourselfor forgive yourself, love
yourself.
And also having thoughts likethis on a regular basis can
really impact your emotionalhealth in a big time, negative
way.
(06:29):
So why, why is that?
I mean, they're just thoughts,right?
It's because we believe them.
When our brain has a thought, wetend to be like, oh God, my
brains thought it.
So it must be true.
And, you know, life isn't eitheror.
You know, so that's why they'renot helpful life isn't this or
that life is made up of allkinds of nuanced shades of gray
(06:53):
in between.
So.
I think I had actually said tomy partner the other day,
something like, you know, thingsaren't always black and white.
And then I pulled up the songthat I really like called The
Beauty of Gray and it's by aband called Live.
I don't know if you don't knowwho live is.
Uh, it's like a nineties band.
You've probably heard a song oftheirs, but that's neither here
(07:16):
nor there.
The song has some great lyricsin it.
The lyrics are fantastic, butit's called the beauty of gray
and I'm going to just play thechorus.
I hope I don't get in troublefor this, but if I do, I'll just
remove it.
So if you're listening to thisin the future and the song isn't
here, that's why.
But, just take a quick, listento this chorus.
(07:37):
So I'm going to read them incase you didn't catch them, but
the chorus, this is not a blackand white world.
To be alive I say the colorsmust swirl.
And I believe that maybe today,We will all get to appreciate.
Yes, we will all get toappreciate the beauty of gray.
So.
Yeah, I just, I really love thatso much.
(07:59):
And I've always loved that song.
Um, it's an old song, but youknow, talk about how we can't
afford to stay stuck on thethoughts we think.
Are the quote unquote rightthoughts because nothing is ever
black or white.
All or nothing.
Life is full of gray area.
And when we can really embracethat and respond a little more
flexibly to the thoughts wehave.
(08:21):
In other words, we don't justautomatically believe it because
it came out of our brain.
We can have lives that arericher and really in alignment
with what we really want.
So let's go into a little deeperwhat all or nothing or black and
white thinking is.
It's when you have a hard timeconsidering both negative and
(08:41):
positive perceptions ofyourself, of others
circumstances.
Into a realistic and like wholeview.
I kind of like to think of it,like continuum where on either
end there's an extreme.
And then in between, there areall kinds of other
possibilities.
Or sometimes when I'm trying toexplain this to my clients, I
(09:02):
talk, I talk about an accordion.
So if you imagine, you know,black and white or all or
nothing, it's like the two endsof the accordion are smushed
together.
But if you think about thentrying to see other
possibilities, it's like you'repulling the accordion apart and
there's all this stuff inbetween.
So people who struggle withblack and white thinking often
(09:25):
think in those extremes, butdon't consider the middle part,
all those other gray shades.
there's not like a middleground.
That's why, um, black and whitethinkers have a hard time being
flexible or negotiating as well.
Have you ever experienced thatwith someone or have you ever
been that person?
I've been that person.
(09:45):
I think we all are at somepoint.
But this type of thinking isalso common in people that
struggle with anxiety,depression, low self worth self
criticism, body image, eatingdisorders.
Yeah, and all of these can alsobe tied to perfectionism.
You know, it's either a good ora bad.
(10:06):
I either succeeded or failed.
And I can create some, somepretty tough feelings.
Can really feel hopelesssometimes.
I mean, think about it, ifthings are either good or bad
and you don't hit good, well,it's kind of hopeless, right?
So some examples of black andwhite thinking.
How do you know that you're init?
So some words, there are somekey words to watch out for:
(10:29):
always, never, impossible,ruined, failure.
Perfect.
Should.
Disaster.
Alright.
I love to share these keywordswith people I'm working with,
because it just helps you like,kinda notice these thought traps
a little bit easier.
Kind of helps cue you in to, oh,wait a minute.
I might want to look at thatthought.
(10:50):
Some other examples are, youknow, because I'm not perfect
that I'm nothing at all orbecause I'm not good at this I
suck at everything or, do itright or don't do it at all.
It's either good or it's bad.
Go big or go home.
That's one that I actually stilluse a lot.
And I kind of, as I was thinkingabout this episode, I realized
(11:12):
in my last episode about halfdome, I commented on how go big
or go home is kind of one of mythings, right.
And then, when I was outliningin this episode, I thought to
myself, oh, it's actually kindof a black and white thought.
So I do it too.
yeah.
And while we tend to focus onnegative thoughts, even
something that results in a goodfeeling can also be a black and
(11:35):
white thought.
Because, you know, you can alsodiscount potential bad things.
Most people are stuck on the badthings with this, but a good can
also go the other way.
And of course, you know, when wefocus on the bad possibilities
and I use those things inquotes, but, we do tend to
discount like the quote unquotegood ones.
Right?
(11:55):
So this extreme, one or theother thinking pattern, it just
creates a really rigid outlookon things.
You know, because we're rigid.
It's just really tough to seethe nuance in between.
The shades of gray.
And this can create a lot ofproblems.
So let's talk about theproblems.
(12:18):
When we think in extremes, wefocus our attention and thoughts
on what's not going well,usually.
So then we just see the bad ineverything.
So if you recall, we've talkedabout this on the show quite
often...
But everything starts with athought.
Now this is general generally,but like, if you think about it,
when we have a lot of negativethoughts, they create negative
(12:42):
emotions.
They create emotions that don'tfeel great.
So like, if you let's say I usethis example all the time with
people, but let's just sayyou're sitting here and somebody
that you really like walks intothe room.
You haven't seen him for a longtime and your thought is, oh my
gosh, I'm so excited to see heror him.
And you feel excited.
And you know, that leads to abehaviors, which is you might
(13:07):
get up and run across the roomand give them a hug.
So in contrast, if your thoughtis negative, like, oh God, I
can't stand that person.
I wish I could hide.
The emotions going to feel verydifferent.
You're certainly not going to beexcited.
And the behavior, certainly notgoing to run across the room and
(13:28):
give them a hug.
You know, your, emotion might bedisgust or disdain or whatever,
and your behavior might be to gohide in the corner.
or something or, you know,whatever that is.
You're not going to act the sameif you had a negative thought as
if you had a positive thought,unless you are really
intentional and you're able tounhook from that and
(13:51):
intentionally choose yourbehavior.
So that's another, that'soutside of the scope of this
episode, but, this whole thoughtchain can also really make us
think negatively aboutourselves.
So, you know, if you think abouthaving that negative thought
missing one thing on apresentation, then all of a
sudden that equals of thepresentation sucked.
(14:13):
You know, or if you get feedbackon something like a performance
review, I worked with a clientearlier this year who got a
little bit of like constructivefeedback on something at work.
And the rest of her review isactually pretty good.
And that one thing turned itinto this terrible review.
I failed at this.
It can also manifest as impostersyndrome and imposter
(14:36):
phenomenon, is kind of whatpeople are calling it these
days.
Perfectionism, low self-esteem.
So like, think aboutperfectionism.
Nobody's ever perfect.
Right?
So if you're either, if you're ablack and white thinker, If you
don't do something well...
Well, if you don't do somethingperfect, then it's a failure,
well, then you're always goingto be in failure.
(14:57):
So, you're always going to bethinking negatively about
yourself, right.
And that really leads to lowself esteem.
Um, it really impactsrelationships too.
Like if you are looking at, youknow, your partner and
everything, your partner does isall good or all bad, that can
cause us to be really reactiveor all of a sudden like he or
(15:19):
she is just on our shit list.
Where in reality, we all dothings that aren't ideal.
So like, can we just talk aboutit and problem solve?
So sometimes it's really hard tolike do that if you're in a
space of a binary thinking.
Work.
is another thing, like if youonly see the negative, that can
(15:40):
impact you in that you mightfeel just really miserable.
Yeah.
If you try to look at the, youknow, most things, there are
good things and bad things.
Maybe some of the gray area inthere is you're able to see that
you know, you do have a lot offreedom.
You can work at home all thetime or, you know, things like
that.
So, difficult situations in lifetoo, like when I went through my
(16:04):
divorce, I mean, I can't eventell you the number of times I
thought, oh, my life is ruined.
Things will never get better.
I'm never going to feel better.
I'm always going to feel likethis.
Yes.
I actually had those thoughts.
But, they're not exactlyempowering, inspiring or
motivating.
Right?
So that doesn't really, it's nothelpful.
Um, you might feel that way andthat's okay to feel that, you
(16:26):
know, it's okay to think thosethings and feel that way.
But that's the thing we got torecognize that they're just
thoughts.
With health, looking at certainfoods as good or bad.
Or working out- if I don't getthis exact workout and workout
routine completed.
I suck at this.
I can't, I can't stick toanything.
(16:46):
Right.
It's.
Ah, how did that lead to that?
That's really, the power ofcoaching is, you know, I've
worked with coaches before inthe past on like training for
things.
And it's like, you know, thetendency when you're training
for something is, oh, I miss twoworkouts.
And it feels like so terrible onyour coach is like, well, you
got.
(17:07):
Five workouts in.
That's awesome.
That's hard.
That's an accomplishment.
And it's like, oh yeah, I guessit kind of is.
Right.
so this type of thinking isalso, it's a great way to keep
you stuck.
If you're thinking is like, Ican't do that, you're not really
going to feel the emotions thatpush you to move through your
edges.
(17:28):
You know, like we talked aboutthought, we talked about the
negative thoughts, negativeemotions, behaviors.
If your thought is I can't dothis, or I'm afraid of this, or
this might hurt me, you're goingto feel afraid and then you're
probably not going to step outof your comfort zone.
Or you might, but if yourthought is, I'm afraid, but I
(17:48):
know I can do this.
That's very different.
This is the question that's sointeresting, but like, if this
isn't helpful, why do we do it?
And this one's a verycomplicated answer.
And actually it's really notthat complicated.
In short, the human brain doesnot love nuance or complexity.
That's just too much work.
Our brains are always looking tosimplify things.
(18:10):
And on top of that, our brainswant us to stay you know, want
to help us stay safe.
Quote unquote.
so if you think back to like ourhunter gatherer ancestors, if
they heard something in thebushes, like they're either
going to assume that they couldgo find something to eat, they
could find a meal or they weregoing to be eaten as a meal.
So their brain needed to reallythink in pretty cut and dry
(18:33):
terms.
For survival purposes, really.
It wasn't like, they really hadto think about a lot of
different complex things.
It was kind of like, yeah, thething's either going to eat me
or I'm going to eat it.
There's not really a lot ofin-between necessarily.
We learned how to keep thingssimple and binary because our
brains really like it that way.
(18:53):
It's just so much easier.
Think about it, when you have alot on your mind, or you have to
think through something that hasa lot of moving pieces, it's
exhausting.
Right.
But if something's reallysimple, it's like, oh cool.
Like that's not, that's not alot of mental baggage to carry.
But so all of this worked reallywell when life was actually
simpler, but life has justbecome so much more nuanced and
(19:17):
complex.
And to understand it, or thrivein this world, we really need to
have thinking, allows us to seein more nuanced ways.
If we want to see things moreclosely to the truth.
So our brain will tell us inblack and white thinking, this
is the truth.
But that's the thing is we haveto be able to step outside of
(19:38):
that.
So interestingly enough.
The part of the brain that isresponsible for seeing nuance,
uh, logic, data, trends.
That's the prefrontal cortex.
And this is the last part of ourbrain to fully develop.
And it doesn't actually developuntil we're like in our early
twenties.
And males take longer thanfemales.
(20:00):
I'm not going to make any jokesabout that.
So, if you think about peoplethat age, you know, in late
teenage years or early twenties,have you ever heard yourself go,
why don't they just grow up?
Like a lot of it is that PFC isjust not fully developed yet.
So there is some science to thatalso.
(20:22):
But when we getting back ontopic, when we think in black
and white, we don't actuallyhave to really work to think.
So that's why it's great.
Right?
It's easy.
And the brain also wants tocreate certainty and security.
So it also looks for evidence tosupport that simple thinking.
And what we think will keep ussafe.
(20:42):
The brain thinks will keep ussafe.
The problem is that when we'restuck in black and white
thinking, we don't reallyconsider all of the
possibilities.
There's a lot we miss.
We skim over it.
And in reality, there are alwaysmany, many possibilities.
Life is really complex andnuanced friends.
Right?
(21:03):
So this brings me back to mysong.
This is not a black and whiteworld to be alive, I say the
colors must swirl.
So to really live and makechoices.
Including the thoughts we choosethat serve the life we want and
the people we want to be.
We need to consider otherperspectives and possibilities.
So when I thought about becominga coach, my first thought was I
(21:25):
can't do that.
I was going through a toughdivorce.
I didn't have really the moneyto get certified.
I didn't know how to set up abusiness for coaching.
There are tons of things Ididn't know how to do.
And my initial response was toover-simplify all of this.
It was just a lot for my brainto think about, but I
oversimplified it into well,what if I can't.
(21:47):
Which was kind of like saying,well, probably not something I
can consider because I don'tknow if I can.
So if I hadn't really spent thetime to break this apart and
look at all the little nuancesof this, you know, can't
statement.
Or how to coach to help me dothat.
I really, I might not be talkingto you here on this podcast
today.
So, that's pretty powerful.
Like, think about that.
(22:09):
A shift in one thought that Ihad changed the course of my
life.
So now we've talked aboutextreme thinking a lot.
What it is, why it's nothelpful, why we do it.
Examples of doing it.
And it's all great to talk aboutthis stuff, right.
(22:30):
But how do we actually stopthinking in these very
simplistic binary terms?
So my favorite saying, as youprobably have figured out by now
is"awareness is always half thebattle".
So that's where we start.
It's simply awareness.
Like you're not going to changethis stuff overnight, but I do
have some things that I reallythink are, and I mean, you can
(22:54):
Google how to deal with blackand white thinking and whatever,
and you'll find similar things.
So I didn't just come up withall this on my own, but, we'll
go through some things that Ilike to recommend for dealing
with this kind of thinking.
First of all, I just want to sayit's, it's okay to have it.
Like it's normal.
So let's just normalize that weall have this.
(23:14):
We all have thoughts that aren'thelpful.
We all think in extremesometimes.
So it's not a big deal.
That's just, we always have toask if it's helpful.
So ways to work with it though.
The first one is mindfulness ormindful awareness.
Most people who are like reallyentrenched in black and white
thinking or all or nothingthinking don't actually realize
(23:35):
that it's a problem.
So the first step is to noticeyour thoughts.
I can't tell you how many timesI talk to people and they're
just really fused into like,just because they thought it
it's absolutely true.
I was talking to someone theother day about, Like what other
people thought about her.
(23:55):
I was like, but how do you knowthey feel that way about you?
How do you know they're thinkingthat about you?
And she's like, well, I can justtell.
And so it was like, well, howcan you tell.
Well, I can just tell.
So that's really entrenched inthat thinking because like,
you've, you've gotta be able tostep outside of yourself and
like, see that oh, okay.
That's a thought I'm having, andI really want to believe that, I
(24:18):
really think it's true, but letme see if I can just think about
what one other possibility mightbe.
But the first step is like justbeing aware of the thoughts.
Right?
So it's just being aware that,oh right now I'm assuming that
person doesn't like me.
And I believe it.
Just the awareness.
It's not even having to doanything.
It's observation.
(24:39):
When I work with people on this,I suggest they start introducing
a really short, simple, mindfulawareness practice into their
day.
It's just a quick check-in.
Just to notice what's present,like, what am I thinking?
What am I feeling?
What am I doing?
What's going on around me?
How does my body feel?
Things like that.
And you can do this any time inyour day.
(25:01):
I suggest following JamesClear's advice from atomic
habits.
Just to stack the habit withsomething that you already do.
Like brushing your teeth ordrinking your morning coffee or
getting in the car to drive towork.
Often the hardest part isactually remembering to do it.
So things like sticky notes orphone alarms, or tools that have
(25:22):
worked well for my clients.
And for me too, I was working onmindful eating awhile back.
I was, working with a coach onthat and, I was working on just
eating slow and then noticing mysatisfaction level of like an,
you know, on a continuum of likezero to 10, like how satisfied
(25:42):
am I?
And I was trying to eat to aseven, so it wasn't like really
stuffed.
I was just kind of comfortablyfull, like, you know, and.
I went a whole week of knowingthat I was trying to do this and
I didn't do it at all.
So I do this too.
So I finally started putting asticky note on the table.
Let's say just on the table andit just said seven.
That's it?
(26:03):
So it's just something to remindyou to do it.
Journaling can also be reallyhelpful, and this can really
look like a brain dump, justsimple brain dump.
And that that might even looklike noticed I was thinking
about how badly I bought mypresentation.
Or I notice I'm worried thatbecause my kid failed this test
(26:24):
that I'm a bad parent.
And some of the thoughts won'tbe quite that extreme, you know,
they'll maybe they will, butyou'll see a mix of them.
But then you can, that helpswith the awareness you can start
to see.
Oh yeah.
I have a lot of these.
You know, those sound prettyblack and white.
So that leads me to my nextpoint.
Cause I'm sure you're allwondering, okay.
Now that I have awareness ofthese thoughts, what do I
(26:45):
actually do with that?
So the first step or the firstthing related to working on them
is there's this question.
That I really like.
is It true?
Is that actually true?
This is the first step to Byronkatie's what she calls the work.
The simple question, is it true?
(27:06):
And remember your brain, itlikes to keep things simple.
So it is going to play tricks onyou.
You know, it'll say of course,it's true.
Silly.
Why would you question me?
I thought it, so of course it'strue.
So then you've got to askthough, because you recognize
your brains trying to outsmartyou.
So you ask yourself, is itactually a fact, like, could it
be proven.
(27:27):
In a court of law.
With like objective evidence.
A judge would say it's true.
That's that's the trick.
Haha brain.
Gotcha.
So your brain will try to findtruth in something it's just as
the way it works.
Another question.
You can ask yourself if thequestion, is it true trips you
(27:47):
up?
Is, um, is it helpful?
So sometimes like we don't evenreally care that much if it's
true.
Because the question's really,if the thought helps you or not.
Right?
So in Byron Katie's the work,her question that relates to
this one, is it helpful?
Is, is there a stress-freereason to keep the thought, that
question I feel like is, I likethat question, but sometimes if
(28:10):
you're not like really in thecoaching world or the personal
development world, that one canbe a little harder to like
grasp.
But for the sake of explainingit, for example, if my thought
is, I suck at relationships,like, is there a stress free
reason to keep the thought"Isuck at relationships?" Not
(28:30):
really.
Right.
There's not really a reason tokeep that one.
sometimes your brain might wantto keep it.
Like.
It's almost like a scapegoat.
Sometimes your brain will kindof try to tell you that it's,
it's good to keep it because ifthat's true for you, I suck at
relationships.
Then, if you fail at arelationship, then, it's like,
(28:54):
it's pretty cut and dried.
Right?
You don't have to worry about,you know, all these little
things about you as a personthat are bad.
It's like, no, I just suck atrelationships.
It's almost like a littlescapegoat.
But that's not really astress-free reason because it's
not a very nice thing to thinkabout yourself.
Right.
If I don't, I hope that makessense.
You know, or sometimes there arepeople I work with on body
(29:16):
image.
And they might have somethoughts around like, you know,
I'm fat or I need to fit into asize X, Y, Z, whatever.
Right.
And so those thoughts they'rereally afraid to let go of them.
They're not nice thoughts.
They're not really helpful.
So if we ask, is there astress-free reason to keep them.
So if I asked that question, Iguarantee you like half the
(29:40):
people will say, well, if Idon't think these thoughts, I
won't push myself and then I'lljust let myself go and then I'll
end up even bigger.
So, that's not a stress-freereason to keep the thought
though.
Cause it's not creating lessstress for you.
So I, that one, that examplemight be a little more clear.
So that's that that's really ahelpful thing.
(30:01):
Those questions are superhelpful to ask.
the next thing is consideringother possibilities.
Like this is my favorite part.
This is where we get to getreally expansive.
So your black and white thoughtis one possibility.
So if your thought is, oh,Jessica talked to me with this
(30:22):
really nasty tone.
So she thinks I'm a terribleperson.
That's one possibility.
What's another possibility?
So she's just in a bad mood.
What's another possibility?
She's she's having a bad day.
Or she is mad at someone else.
Or she's she?
Yeah, she doesn't like me.
(30:42):
That is a possibility.
Right.
So there's all kinds ofpossibilities.
But the idea is that we don'treally know.
Unless we ask.
Like we don't really know forsure unless Jessica tells us
that.
Another question I love in thisrealm is like, who would you get
to be?
If you didn't have the thought.
So what would be possible foryou?
Um, so here's another example: you text someone like let's say (31:04):
undefined
his name is Josh.
You texted Josh and he doesn'trespond to you for two days.
So you immediately assume, oh,Josh doesn't think I'm
attractive.
Josh doesn't like me, Josh, youknow, blah, blah, blah.
Cause he didn't text me.
So is that possible?
Of course it's possible, but wedon't know for sure.
(31:24):
Like we can't prove it in acourt of law.
It's not a fact unless he tellsus this.
So another possibility is maybehe's busy at work.
Maybe he had something come upin his life that's really
important right now.
Maybe he lost his phone.
Maybe, you know, thepossibilities or the gray area,
those are, they're reallyendless.
Right?
SO another question I love inthis realm is who would you get
(31:47):
to be if you didn't have thatthought?
What would be possible for you?
So maybe it would be confidence.
Like if I didn't worry aboutJosh not responding to me, if I
didn't have the thought that hedoesn't like me, because he
didn't text me.
If you didn't have that thought,you might notice he didn't text
you back and just go about yourday.
(32:07):
So you have less anxiety aboutit because it doesn't bother
you.
If you didn't have the thought,I need to lose weight.
Like how much energy, I mean,women out there.
How many of you raise your handhave ever had that thought and
like obsessed about it?
I know I have.
How much energy does thatthought suck out of you?
(32:31):
Think of all the brain space.
You would have, if you didn'tworry about that.
Right.
So who would you get to be ifyou didn't have that thought?
next thing that you can do tosort of, like actually prove if
these thoughts you have aretrue.
If it involves what, like whatsomeone else thinks, is really
to just ask.
(32:52):
So that's not always the easiestthing to do.
I totally recognize that.
But, here's an example.
I was working with a client whoworries a lot about what other
people think about her.
This obviously comes up a lot.
We all care, or most of us careor have cared at one point or
another.
But she assumes that she'sbothering them.
(33:13):
Or that if the conversationstops that they just don't want
to talk to her.
So when I challenged her on thisshe said, well, I can just tell.
And so the thing is about thatis that your biased brain thinks
it can tell, but you can'treally know unless you ask,
because we are not mind readers.
We don't know.
You might have an idea, butreally you can't prove it until
(33:36):
you ask.
Right?
So you have to get reallylogical about this here.
So go ahead and ask, like, maybeyou say, Hey, it seems like our
conversation is kind of stalled.
Like, am I bothering you?
Or if you're worried aboutbothering someone, maybe just
say, oh, are you busy?
Am I getting you at a bad time?
Or you can be really blunt andlike, let's just say somebody
(33:57):
spoke to you with a really harshtone, and you're assuming that
they're mad at you.
Well, you can just say, Hey, Inoticed that you seemed a little
upset.
Did I do something to upset you?
Or like, is there something thatI did or, you know, you can
always ask and then, you know.
And if your brain's reallytricky, it'll say, yeah, but
(34:18):
nobody would ever tell me.
I had somebody say that to me.
But yeah, I mean then you're,that's another thinking trap,
that's another like all ornothing thinking like, you're
assuming that because of this,then this.
So you can always ask.
So the next thing is to reallynotice your word choices.
(34:39):
So there are definitely some ofthose, black and white or all,
or nothing words like never,should, always, you know, things
like that.
Sometimes is a great gray word.
Or like, if you tend to go tolike worst case scenario
thinking like, I'm like, you'reall of a sudden, oh, this is a
disaster.
Sort of like reframing that alittle bit and say, I notice I'm
(35:02):
having the thought that this isa disaster.
So it's sort of like, okay, Inotice it's just a thought.
Or like, I mentioned the wordsometimes.
Other phrases or words that youcan try shifting to, or playing
around with.
I'm noticing that this all seemsreally bad to me.
Or, you know, I'm willing to, isanother one.
(35:25):
Like if you're, if your thoughtis I'm really bad at this, maybe
a better, like a gray thoughtcould be: I noticed I'm thinking
I'm really bad at this.
I'm willing to think aboutanother possibility.
Or, you know, I'm willing toacknowledge that, you know, I
might not be bad at all of this.
I don't like the circumstance.
I prefer something different.
(35:47):
those are some other ones.
Or I'm flexible enough to seethis other possibility.
So just play around with thosewords, like notice the words
that are really all or nothingor extreme or binary and see if
you can put a different one inthere to make it a little less
extreme.
(36:08):
Okay.
So another thing that I reallylike is if you kInd of reverse
roles.
So let's just say you have areally good friend who's having
the same all or nothingthinking.
What would you say to yourfriend?
Sometimes it's a lot easier towork with this stuff if you
remove yourself from it.
Because we're a lot harder onourselves than we are on other
(36:29):
people.
So if you think about yourfriend, having the thought, oh,
I, I messed up this one slide inthis presentation.
So therefore the whole thingsucked.
Like, what would you tell afriend about that?
So that's a good perspective totry on.
Next one.
I love this one is specific,negative, specific, positive.
(36:50):
So this is really forcing yourbrain to stop making the
generalization.
So what this means is.
You in the thought that you'rehaving.
Like.
You need to find one specificthing that's negative and one
specific thing that's positive.
I like to start with thepositive, but here's an example:
(37:12):
so a very all or nothing thoughtwould be.
I'm not cut out for college.
A specific, positive, specificnegative.
The specific positive might be: I'm getting an a in English, the (37:22):
undefined
specific negative might be:.
I struggle with math.
So, you know, there's a goodthing and a bad thing.
So you're making yourself lookat other things besides just the
negative parts of it.
All right.
And then the last thing that youcan do to work on these is,
(37:42):
seriously...
Obviously I'm a coach, so like,I'm going to tell you to work
with a coach, but like, I'm notkidding.
People, these things are hard tosee on your own.
Your brain is so tricky.
It wants to believe this stuffover and over and over.
It's a they're patterns, right?
They're habits we have in ourbrains or pathways that are worn
deep in our brain.
(38:02):
So it's really tough to changethese things.
It's really easy to have blindspots and not really notice the
thoughts that are keeping usstuck.
So.
You know, I even have blindspots.
Like I work on this stuff withpeople every single day, except
for weekends.
And I still have blind spotsthat I discover all the time.
(38:23):
It's some of my favorite workand it's so powerful.
Your thoughts are so powerful.
So it's really important to dowhat you can to make them
quality thoughts.
and I do have limited space forjust a few one-on-one private
clients.
So if you want to learn moreabout working on the thoughts
that are keeping you stuck innegativity or perfectionism or
(38:45):
low self-esteem or just, youknow, really holding you back
from creating the life you wantor being the you want to be,
just reach out, go to my websiteand hit the contact me form.
Or shoot me an email.
All right.
So in conclusion, Black andwhite thinking...
all or nothing thinking, extremethinking, binary thinking.
(39:06):
It's when you're really notallowing yourself to see all
that beautiful gray area inthere.
It's kind of funny that ourbrain is made up of like gray
matter.
And yet it really tends to thinkin black and white, I just
realized that I don't know.
It's kind of funny.
But you know, in short, all ofthose extreme thoughts are
really not helping us.
And so it's really important toremember that just because you
(39:30):
have the thoughts doesn't meanthey're true.
You are not your thoughts.
You're just the person havingthe thoughts and your brain is
kind of like a word machine.
It just spits out sentences allday long to the tune of like 60
to 90,000 thoughts a day.
So a lot of those thoughts aregoing to be really random and
really not particularly usefulin any way.
(39:54):
So that's the great news aboutthis stuff.
You get to let you get to decideyou get to practice awareness
and notice what thoughts arereally serving you and which
ones aren't.
And then you can really work onshifting those to work for you
instead of against you.
So, I hope that was helpful.
(40:14):
Like I said at some of myfavorite work to do so I hope it
was helpful.
Finally, before I let you go ifyou're enjoying the show, the
best way to support it is to goleave a rating and a review.
and also share it, share it onInstagram or Facebook or
wherever you show up online onsocial.
(40:35):
And tag me when you do it.
I'm kortneyrivardlifecoach onboth Facebook and Instagram.
It's really the best way to letpeople know about the show and
who knows, like there might be alittle nugget that I talk about
that might really help someoneout.
So.
Go do that.
Thank you.
All right, friends.
Thanks for tuning in.
And I will see you again nexttime.
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