January 9, 2026 • 39 mins
Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
In this episode of Real Men Feel, host Andy Grant discusses the often taboo topic of erectile dysfunction, sexual performance anxiety, and the fear of being broken with guest Shay Doran. Shay, a coach who helps men overcome these issues, shares his personal journey and insights on why ED is rarely just about the body but more about mindset. They discuss the societal pressures and beliefs that contribute to performance anxiety, the impact on relationships, and the importance of seeking help.
Shay also explores the harmful cycle of quick fixes and the cultural differences in perceptions of masculinity and sexual performance. The episode emphasizes that these challenges are normal and that men aren't alone in their struggles.
00:00 The Influence of Porn on Sex Education
00:36 Introduction to Real Men Feel and Today's Topic
00:52 Meet Shay Doran: Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
01:43 Shay's Personal Journey with Performance Anxiety
04:24 The Root Causes of Performance Anxiety
06:31 The Performative Mindset and Its Impact
07:17 Distinguishing Between Medical and Mindset Issues
10:06 The Trap of Quick Fixes and Marketing Scams
13:10 The Importance of Seeking Help and Guidance
17:37 The Relational Impact of Erectile Dysfunction
20:31 Addressing the Elephant in the Room
21:11 Non-Judgmental Support and Communication
22:10 Working with Men on Performance Issues
23:19 Unique Challenges for Gay and Bi Men
25:43 Decoupling Masculine Identity from Sexual Performance
28:26 Common Aha Moments in Therapy
30:30 Cultural Differences in Masculinity and Performance Anxiety
32:01 Normalizing Sexual Performance Fluctuations
34:10 Impact of Porn on Sexual Performance
34:56 Connecting with Shay Doran
36:14 Beyond Sexual Performance: Living Authentically
38:28 Final Thoughts and Resources
Connect with Shay
Shay Doran — https://shay-doran.com
YouTube — https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran
Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast:
Join me and connect with other like-minded men in the
Authentic AF Community | http://realmenfeel.org/group
Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @theandygrant
Andy Grant | https://theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info!
Real Men Feel | http://realmenfeel.org
YouTube | https://youtube.com/realmenfeel
#RealMenFeel ep 386
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
But most of our sex education unfortunately is through porn.
And all we see on there is guys usually with pretty big Dicks
that never go soft. They're always ready even after
they've climaxed, still hard ready to go.
We never see a guy going soft ina porn movie.
And then general movies on TV, romance movies, etcetera, all
(00:24):
feed into this vision, internal vision of this is what sex
should look like. This is the kind of intimacy
that I should be able to deliveras a man.
Hello and welcome to Real Men Feel.
I'm your host, Andy Grant. Today we're talking about
something that almost every man experiences at some point, but
no one wants to talk about out loud.
(00:46):
Erectile dysfunction, sexual performance anxiety, and the
fear that something is wrong with us.
My guest today is Shay Duran, a coach who helps men overcome
sexual performance anxiety, rebuild confidence, and restore
intimacy without shame or awkwardness.
Shay lived this experience himself.
He believed he was broken, triedall the quick fixes, stayed
stuck on the surface until he realized the root issue wasn't
(01:09):
medical, it was mindset. Today, Shay is going to help us
understand why so many suffer insilence, why Ed is rarely just
about the body, and how to startfeeling normal again in the
bedroom and in your life. If you've ever struggled or
loved someone who has, this conversation might change the
way you see yourself. And if you want to continue
(01:30):
conversations like this, join our private community, Authentic
AF at realmenfeel.org/group. Let's do it.
Hello Shay, and welcome to Real Men Feel.
Thanks, Andy. Thank you for having me here.
I know that it was your own challenges and journey that got
you into this line of work. Can you share a little bit about
(01:51):
like what life used to be like for you?
Look so specific to performance anxiety and erection challenges,
life used to be very challengingin this area of sex and
intimacy. So for many years through really
bad relationship with porn and with sex, having sex a lot of
the time for validation things really as a result of that and
(02:14):
the pressure and the stress thatcame from that and also external
things outside, outside of that area of intimacy, it led to
erection challenges and experiencing performance
anxiety. This what if, what if things
don't go to plan? What if I can't satisfy my
partner? What if I end up alone because
of this? All of these thoughts were in my
head for a very long time. Many things did not go to plan
(02:37):
in the bedroom for a long while.And that again, that's going on
the journey of getting that sorted is then eventually what
led me to the work that I'm doing today.
So what did you believe about yourself back then that turned
out to not be true? We're going to have some deep
questions today. I can already feel this.
OK, What did I believe about myself?
I believed that something was wrong with me.
(03:01):
I believed that I wasn't normal.And I believed that, yeah,
everybody else was fine and thatthe issue was just with me.
So something was really wrong with me.
Was that the hardest part, admitting to yourself that
something was wrong? Or was it something else?
(03:22):
I think the hardest part was, itwas probably in stages to be
actually, the hardest part was speaking to somebody about it.
That was the hardest part because for years I said
nothing. I wanted to be able to get it
all fixed for myself. I thought I'd be able to just
fix it all by myself. You know, as men, we don't often
(03:45):
want to talk about these things.We don't really want help.
We just want to be able to get it done.
And this feels very vulnerable. This area feels very vulnerable.
So I remember I'd be on programsor even Zoom group Zoom
meetings, but still I was never vocal about what was going on.
I would just be sitting there inthe background.
And I think the hardest, the probably the hardest first step
(04:08):
was speaking to somebody about it, vocalizing it for the first
time that this is actually a challenge that's going on in my
life and I don't know what to do.
Do most men decide like you'd belike, oh, I'm broken after just
one or two experiences? Or is it take a lot more than
that? Like what?
What's the typical decision of aguy that something's wrong?
(04:28):
So there's one thing which is about how we get to that point
in the 1st place, which I believe is a combination of
things. It's never, it's never usually
from experience, just one thing that happens.
That means that things don't go to plan in the bedroom.
It may seem like that, you know,some guys that I speak with can
pinpoint, oh, it happened on this exact date this year, but
the reality is, is that there's we're looking at ourselves
(04:51):
through a performance lens in other areas of our life,
business, broader sense of relationship, not just sex.
So there's that And then also usually the the seeds of
performance anxiety are planted at a much younger age, right.
So whether it's in sports, whether it's in academics,
theatre, comparison to siblings,there's these messages that are
(05:14):
given to us of, well, we need todo better in that area or yes,
OK, you might have messed that up, but make sure you don't mess
that up next time. It needs to be a better grade
next time. And so we start to believe, oh,
I'm not loved for being myself. I need to be this performative
version of myself in order to receive love.
This is where I believe it starts at its earliest stage
(05:38):
answering your question, where does the thoughts of what if I'm
broken? Where do they start?
I believe it starts at a very young age, usually in areas that
are nothing to do with sex. And then as we grow and start
becoming sexually active, we canhave some experiences that don't
go to plan, right? Whether that's from right from
the beginning of when we lost our virginity or whether it's
(05:59):
later on in our life. And this is seem to start
becoming a challenge more recently.
But there's experiences that don't go to plan.
And then when that's compounded over a period of time, whether
that's months or years, often it's years.
This is when these beliefs that we have around or what if
something's wrong with me start to become, well, sorry, the
(06:20):
questions that we have around what if something's wrong with
me start to become beliefs something is wrong with me.
So I would say it's usually a sequence of events over a period
of time. Does that performative aspect of
of being a man, does that service in some aspects of life
or does IT service to a certain point or what do you think about
(06:42):
that? Very good question.
I think it does service in ambition.
It serves in many of the guys that I speak with are either in
senior positions or they have their own businesses or they're
very driven. They have certain goals, things
that they want to achieve. So the performative mindset
definitely plays into that. But I think there is a a tipping
(07:06):
point where it then becomes about self.
Like we're constantly observing ourself, expecting ourself to be
this, a natural, often version of ourself.
I know you make a difference a distinction between a mindset
problem and a medical problem. Could you share what what that
distinction is? Yeah, sure.
(07:28):
So it's really important that ifwe're experiencing performance
anxiety, whether that's erectionchallenges or climax challenges,
that we take that medical box first of all to make sure
there's nothing going on there, right.
So whether that is cardiovascular issues or
testosterone issues, multiple things could be happening, but
it's important that we just go and visit primary caregiver, get
(07:51):
testosterone levels checked, bloods checked to make sure
everything's OK. We want definitely make sure
we're ticking that box first, the medical box.
Most of the times it's not medical, it's mindset, which is
performance anxiety. So if we're asking ourselves
these questions, if we know thateverything's fine medically and
yet we feel like we're stuck in our head overthinking, asking
(08:14):
ourself what if it doesn't go toplan?
Again, we're already thinking about it before the moment
happens. Or we're taking pills and it
becomes more about a strategy like a pill taking strategy or
maths. If I take this at this time or
this at this particular time in this sequence, then everything
should go to plan. If we're doing these kind of
(08:34):
things or testing our erections in the morning, I remember for
many probably years, I did this wake up and I would check my, if
I have a morning erection, everything's OK.
Or at the point where I was still watching porn, I would be
saying OK. If I can get hard and get off to
this, then it shows me that things are getting better.
When we're in this zone of doingthese self tests and asking
(08:55):
these types of questions, this is where it's more in the
mindset space as opposed to medical.
So when you help guys who have labeled themselves as broken,
perhaps unfixable, that they're the only ones with this problem,
what's the first mindset or belief that that you take on
with them? HDI would say safety in terms
(09:20):
of, you know, what I was saying a moment ago about it felt
really difficult to talk about this.
And so I think the most important thing for me first of
all is to, to let the guy know that they have a safe
environment where where we can talk about this and it's OK to
talk about it without judgement,without shame.
(09:40):
I'll be very transparent and open about my own experiences
with this as as well. So that it, it doesn't feel
like, I think by doing that, it helps to dissolve this feeling
of it's just me going through this.
So I'd say aside from the tools,etcetera, that would be the very
first thing is like getting to this point of just relatability
(10:03):
and safety. So it feels OK to open up about
this. And I've, I've seen you talk and
warn about the, the, the cycle of quick fixes.
And I don't think a day goes by,I don't see e-mail or ads for,
you know, some version of boner pills and magic solution.
So what is harmful about that cycle?
It's crazy. Isn't it Some of the emails is
(10:24):
literally everyday the emails coming through?
It's harmful because our brain believes it.
We won a quick fix. Of course, we don't want to have
to speak to anybody about it. Of course we want to be able to
just stay behind the screen and to just put our details.
Oh, click this e-mail, put our details in, and then we get
something posted to us and everything sorted.
(10:47):
Or we watch a video on a particular breathing exercise or
one something I've seen recentlyis blue salt tricks.
If you're watching this and you're thinking on, let me see
what this blue salt thing is. It's another one of these one
minute miracle fixes that don't actually work.
There's always going to be something new out there.
(11:09):
Do this and it will fix everything.
A lot of it is marketing most ofthe time, but it plays into what
our brain wants, you know, safety, not having to feel
vulnerable about this. And the sad part is we just get
stuck in this trap of thinking that there's always the next
thing I've I can just, I feel like I'm just close to getting
(11:32):
this sorted. If I can just find the thing
that feels like it clicks for me, the next thing comes out,
let me try that. The next thing comes out, let me
try that. And we spend months, if not
years doing this. And the reality is the time that
we spend all the energy that we put into these quick fixes that
don't actually work is time thatwe could have spent genuinely
(11:53):
getting this sorted for the longterm.
So this is the, this is the trap.
And there's just so much of it out there.
And it's, I don't, it's not going away anytime soon,
especially with AI, right? It's going to be becoming even
more believable. Yeah, I imagine there would be,
you know, AI beautiful woman doctors assuring you that
(12:14):
whatever, you know, magical solution they're selling is the
best thing for you. And you can have you fake AI
testimony like every Yeah. Yeah, actually one of the blue
soul when I was ice. Ice I had seen some guys were
typing in on Google and I thought, OK, I'm going to look
at what this thing is and it yeah, it was a total scam,
marketing scam. But they had this very
(12:36):
attractive AI woman, but you it was very difficult to know that
it was AI talking selling this, this blue salt.
And you just put the here's the order form.
And if you click here, put the payment details in, we'll send
it to you. Yeah, I think these things are
not going away. They're just getting more, more
and more believable. But at the same time, we have to
be honest with ourselves. And there comes a point where we
(12:59):
have to say to ourselves is this, has this actually, has any
of this actually been working? Right.
So if you're a man, you're having challenges, performance
issues, and maybe you've you've you've bought some junk that
didn't work, didn't do anything.Is this really something that a
typical guy typical guy can can solve on his own it?
(13:22):
Depends if you want to take the hard route.
I think if you want to take the hard, I solved it for myself but
it took me between 4 nearly fiveyears and over 1000 hours of my
life. So many groups, so many books,
so many trying different techniques.
So yes, I do think it is possible, but it is God.
(13:45):
It's hard and not, not in a goodway to do it for yourself.
And I think we have to make a call on and there's no guarantee
with that either. There's no guarantee that we are
going to find the right tools. We are going to find if we're
just purely doing it only by ourself, it's much easier.
And this is not a self promotion, whether it's me or
(14:07):
whoever, it's much easier to speak to someone who's actually
been through this, who has got the track record of being able
to get it sorted and to receive some guidance around what to do.
Is if I going back, if I could have done that now, if I had
felt more confident to speak to someone about it and to find
somebody who helps to fix this. There was doctors, OK, fine.
(14:32):
But usually the recommendation from doctors is it's, there's
nothing wrong medically, It's inyour mind.
Here's a pill, right? Because it's on the medical.
That's the the area for them. The speciality is the medicine.
But on the mindset, you know, there really wasn't that many
people I saw out there doing this.
And so I just thought I have to figure it all out by myself.
(14:55):
But if I was to go back in time now, Oh, no way.
There's no way that I, I would just block up the courage to
have a call, the first call withsomebody and to just say, OK,
I'm going to realize that I haven't got the the tools, I
haven't got the knowledge right now.
And this is stressing me out andI want to get this sorted as
quickly as possible. Stereotypically, guys are really
(15:19):
hesitant to ask for help about anything but sexual issues.
I'm sure it's even stronger. So what do you think that
compulsion not to admit the problem is?
Is it fear, Shame. Something else?
I think a big part of it is our biology that if we're seen as
(15:40):
different to others, then if we go back to our ancestor times,
if we're different, we can get kicked out of the tribe and
we're left outside to fend for ourselves and probably die, you
know. So I think there is a biological
aspect to this of any topic thatbrings up a heightened sense of
(16:00):
vulnerability, shame, fear. We're always going to feel
hesitant about that because it'sour DNA.
So I think that's part of it. Another part of it is for the
masculine. We want to be able to feel like
we can fix things and achieve things and lock onto and get
something. We can lock our focus onto
(16:20):
something and complete the mission.
That's also part of the masculine energy.
So I think that plays into it aswell.
And then the other parts that contribute is just societal
expectations around sex. In most of our sex education
unfortunately is through porn. And all we see on there is guys
usually that are pretty with pretty big Dicks that never go
(16:44):
soft. They're always ready even after
they've climaxed, still hard ready to go.
We, we never see a guy going soft in a porn movie.
And then general movies on TV, romance movies, etcetera, all
feed into this vision, internal vision of this is what sex
(17:07):
should look like. This is the kind of intimacy
that I should be able to deliveras a man.
And if I'm not doing that, then it means that something's wrong
with me. And we feel like we don't want
to talk to anybody about that because it exposes a weakness, a
perceived weakness. And the reality is obviously
movies, people are cast for those roles, porn people are
(17:29):
cast for those roles. And it's not reality.
But that's one thing. What our brain thinks, or what
we train our brain to think is another thing.
So let's, let's talk about the, the relational impact of this.
Yeah. What the what do partners, and I
mean, you know, female partners,what might they misinterpret
about a man who is struggling tosay, get an erection with them?
(17:53):
Yeah. So I think, and I think this
shows up whether it's a heterosexual relationship, same
sex relationships, this seems tome a common pattern across any
kind of long term relationship is that the partner can think
it's because of them. Is this some and some of it's
very, what I find very interesting is the questions
that the partner will be asking themselves are very, very
(18:14):
similar to the questions that the guy is asking themselves.
But nobody speaks to that speaksabout it to each other.
So the partner will be asking often things like is it because
of me? Is there something wrong with
me? Am I not doing it right for
them? Am I not able to satisfy them in
the way that they want? Maybe they're not attracted to
me anymore. Maybe things aren't going well
(18:36):
in the relationship anymore. These are these are some of the
thoughts, right? The partner will is natural for
them to take it as a self. They'll start judging themselves
about it. And honestly, a lot of the time
that's happening because there'sno conversation.
There's no conversation to to offer reassurance or, or it's
(18:59):
kind of been the same thing overa period of time without any
differences or changes because the guy has been just trying the
quick fixes or sticking with the, the stuff that's not really
working all the time. And so it doesn't feel like
things are shifting. So we can see why the partner
over time, if things are not really changing, why the partner
may be thinking, I don't really think it's about the pills, it
(19:21):
must be about me. It just kind of compounds that.
So are there any ideal questionsa partner could ask to get that
conversation going? Yeah, a couple of things I would
say is not to talk about it in the moment of sex.
All right, This is this is general advice, but the I really
like this line that I had from Esther Perel once, which is
(19:44):
nobody has better sex by talkingabout the kind of sex that
they're not having or no one hasbetter sex by talking about the
kind of sex that they're not having.
So what that would look like if we were doing that was things
haven't really gone to plan in the bedroom and we're laying on
the bed and then we start talking about, oh, what was
wrong? Why didn't it?
You know, I feel like we're not as connected as we used to be.
(20:06):
We used to be more spontaneous or we're not having sex as often
as we used to. This is what we want to avoid,
laying in the place where we've just.
Had an experience that didn't goto plan and then talking about
the kind of sex that we're not having, right?
So that's what we want to avoid.But what we do want to do, if
we're the partner, what we do want to do is offer a sense of
(20:28):
non judge mental reassurance, OK?
It's clearly both people are aware that something's going on,
whether it's the erection or climax issues.
It's like the elephant in the room.
Everybody knows about it, but nobody's speaking about it.
And so the partner offering reassurance, like, OK, we know
(20:49):
this thing's going on. It feels uncomfortable.
OK, it feels uncomfortable to meand I'm sure it feels
uncomfortable to you as well. But I just want you to know that
I'm I'm here for you as as you work through this or as we work
through this, right? That's for the partner.
Something along the lines of that is fantastic.
(21:11):
And there's non judge mental communication and been willing
to go on the journey of, you know, things not going perfectly
all of a sudden as the guy is trying to work on this and get
it sorted. You know, it's not like
overnight things are going to transform.
This is a process, you know, it doesn't need to be a long, long
time, but over a period of 2-3 months, etcetera.
(21:35):
It is possible to get it sorted within that time, but we have to
be willing to go on that journeywith our partner rather than
being stuck in the mindset of sex equals the penetrative act
and ejaculation. And then that's what we get
fixed and locked onto every time.
And if that doesn't happen, thenthings haven't gone the way it
should have done. And then we're back in the
(21:56):
partner thinking, oh, why didn'twe do that since something went
wrong, What's wrong with me? It's not working.
Yeah. So I think this non judge mental
support is the best approach that a partner can take.
And do you always only work withthe man having problems or do
you sometimes work with with thecouple themselves?
(22:16):
Or how's that work? At this point in time, it's just
with the guys because many of the guys that I speak with,
well, let's say 50% of them, 50%of them won't.
I don't want to tell their partner that they're doing that,
they're working on this. And the other 50% are totally
transparent with their partner. So at this point in time, it's
just with the guys because the work can be done.
(22:38):
The worth is solo work. So the relational part of it, I
can guide a guy on that anyway, that's OK.
But the the actual shifts that need to happen is for the
individual. It's not when we were talking
about erection challenges, the performance anxiety, it's not
the couple. There may be things later on
down the line that the couple need to work on together, like
(23:01):
communicating about sex, how to actually ask for what we want or
explore new things in the bedroom.
But the very first the beginningstages of getting performance
anxiety sorted, it's one-on-one,one-on-one.
Work with the guy. And are there unique pressures,
expectations for gay or bi men that most straight guys just
(23:25):
don't even consider or realise? Amen.
Actually experience erection challenges statistically like 3
times more compared to heterosexual men, which I found
very interesting when I found that out.
I think this is to do with things are a lot more sex based
as part of the community. You know, it's a lot more sex
(23:45):
focused or especially for gay men.
And so there's a lot more. I would say the thing that's
heightened, there is pressure toperform to do well because if
not the person's just going to go to somebody else.
So I would say because the the culture is a lot more sex based,
not in all cases, but in a lot of cases definitely compared to
(24:07):
heterosexual, the heterosexual world, it just heightens this
the needs to be a good performer.
And a lot of guys really tie their sense of masculinity to
sexual performance. Yeah, how would you?
Begin to untangle identity from that one function.
Yes. And one, one other thing that
(24:27):
just came to mind on that last question was also the shame
around sexuality, right. So I think that's something that
gay by men experience that heterosexual men, it's not the
same kind of experience. There can be different versions
of it. So we think about gay or
bisexual men, there's a lot of cultural societal shame still
around their sexuality. So this obviously feeds into
(24:51):
performance anxiety, shame, pressure, etcetera, creates a,
it can create a negative association with, with sex and
intimacy, right? When we're layering those things
on top with heterosexual guys. What I find comes up the most
often when it comes to shame around sexuality is if we've
been caught at a younger age, right?
Caught masturbating or caught exploring with friends.
(25:14):
Things like this that are very natural at a young age, but it's
shamed by the authority figure in that moment.
What are you doing that's wrong,that's bad, You can't be doing
that. Or they're caught exploring with
friends and then severely punished for that.
And it is layering in whether it's this or abuse, it's
layering in this sense of shame around sexuality at a young age.
(25:36):
And then we start to put those two things together to answer
that second question around identity.
So the question was how do we decouple the right that
masculine? Identity being tied to sexual
performance. I think a good place to start is
by quite important, honestly, just, but I'm just sharing my
(25:58):
own thoughts of as I've gone on this journey myself, the things
that I would say have been the most helpful is, yeah, reducing,
at the very least, reducing the amount of porn that I'm
watching. So I'm not drilling this, this
identity tag into my mind. The other thing was also
exploring where are the areas ofmy life where I do this, this If
(26:19):
I don't do well in this area, then it means I'm a failure.
So I was doing this a lot in business.
Am I professional life And I didn't realise that I was doing
that in my professional life andit was a very same pattern that
I was doing my sexual life right.
If I'm not good enough to satisfy the other person then I
failed. I was thinking the same thing,
(26:41):
my business life. If I'm not good enough to
achieve this promotion or do this business, then I failed.
So I think my advice here would be for us to be able to detach
this masculine identity with sex.
We have to go one step broader than that and look at where am I
applying this performative basedmindset in other areas of my
(27:04):
life. And how do I realise that
actually, it doesn't matter how I, how I show up in business,
how I show up in the bedroom is not a determination of who I am,
a soul level, who I am as a human being.
What I bring to the table, the qualities that I bring to the
table, the integrity that I havefor the, the things that I
(27:26):
value. You know, our, our bedroom
performance or our business performance is not a, is not
attached to those things. But I had to realize that
myself, because I did. I totally did not see that
before. Right.
Yeah. So any set of temporary
circumstances are not a reflection of who we truly are.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think we have to understand
(27:49):
ourselves a bit deeper and we have to see where we're doing
these patterns that are harming us or holding us back.
Because when we're, when we're just looking through the lens of
this, if I don't achieve X, thenI failed.
To be honest, it probably startsat a very younger age in life
where if we didn't get the grade, then it felt like we
failed because love was taken away from us, right?
(28:11):
So I think this is probably we learn it from, we learn that
pattern from a younger age and then we do it to ourselves when
we're older. Yeah, I would say that's the
what do you think? That's what comes to my mind.
What do you think about this like?
That all makes sense to me and is is there a most common kind
of aha moment that your clients have?
(28:32):
Yeah, I like, I like this. I love your questions.
By the way, this is a very like unique question.
So thank you for putting the thought into this.
OK, the the two moments, I wouldsay there's two, the ones that
come to mind #1 would be, you know, we spoke about some things
from childhood. At the beginning when I'm
(28:55):
speaking with a guy, there's a resistance to want to go there,
right? We think, oh, no, it's nothing
to do with what's going on in mylife now.
I also thought this for a long time, didn't experience any
abuse or real trauma when I was younger.
So we kind of discount that. And we think there's nothing to
explore there. Part of us doing that is
protecting ourselves and then when we start to realise, oh,
(29:17):
there's a few experiences there where the thought pattern seems
very similar to the thought pattern that's showing up today
in the bedroom. Totally different context and
nothing to do with sex, but it'sstill performance based.
That's a HA moment definitely, of being able to broaden the
perspective of seeing this is not just something that's
(29:38):
randomly showing up out of the blue.
It's been going on for a while in other parts of our life.
So that would be 1 and then another one would be realising
that most of the times we're actually putting ourselves in
sexual situations that don't do it for us, that are not that,
that don't feel like we're actually getting turned on by
it, but we're pushing and forcing ourselves because we
(30:00):
think it's what we should be doing.
If I'm a real man, then I shouldbe having sex X amount of times
a month. But the reality is that the way
in which we're having intimacy is either dull, boring, or
there's no feedback. There's no it just feels like
it's a duty. And a big realization is, oh
shit, the type of intimacy that I'm having is not actually the
(30:23):
kind of intimacy that I enjoy. So I know that you have lived
and worked all around the world.What strikes you in different
cultures? How different versions of
masculinity impact performance anxiety?
And like have you worked with people that are in like arranged
marriages or just other other cultural differences from from
(30:43):
kind of what the norm? Yeah, I've went to guys in
Europe, US, Middle East, Australia, Asia.
So yeah, I feel like I've had a very broad experience of guys
from around the world, to be honest.
A lot of it is very similar in terms of the thought patterns
(31:03):
that we're going through and thereason of why this is showing up
in the first place. But yes, there are cultural
differences that I've noticed most down to, I would say,
academics and religion, with some cultures pushing more the
need to perform very, very well at school or else you're a
failure compared to all the other kids.
(31:24):
And with other cultures with religion being, you know,
masturbation is a sin, Sex before marriage is a sin.
Yeah, whether it's that or that we need to live life by God or
who, Allah, whoever, whoever thereligious figure is, I would say
these are the two biggest areas of intensity that can differ by
(31:46):
culture, religious and academic.If if every man listening now
has had any sort of sexual performance issue, what is 1
truth you wish they got? Omar And it's OK it first of
all, regardless of whether we'reexperiencing performance anxiety
(32:08):
or not, it's absolutely normal to have fluctuation,
fluctuations in our erections orin climaxing.
There's so many factors that canplay a part of that.
Did we have a good night's sleep?
What did we eat? Did we work out?
Did we not? So I imagine our imagine in our
well, let's just focus in on erections for a moment.
I imagine that on a scale of zero to 10, right between around
(32:32):
7-7 or eight out of 10, that's where we generally want our
erections to be. There's going to be times where
it's going to be 8-9 or ten out of 10 and there's going to be
times where it's it's lower based on those factors that
we've spoken about. But that fluctuation there of
between 6:00 to 10:00 or 7 to 10is absolutely normal.
It's just not what we believe isshould be happening.
(32:56):
So to bring this to life, if we're kissing, if we're kissing,
making out with our partner on the couch and then we go to the
bedroom and we lose our erectionon the way to the bedroom, we
think, Oh my God, something's something's wrong with me.
I need to quickly. I need to get back in the zone
and get hard again so that they don't think that nothing that
anything's wrong. Or if our partner says I'm just
going to be two minutes and go to the bathroom and then we're
(33:18):
laying on the bed freaking out thinking I've got to stay hard
because they've got to see that I'm ready to go as soon as they
come back out of the bathroom. It's the the stimulation has
stopped in that in those moments, in those pauses.
So it's absolutely normal for our erection to fluctuate in
those moments. And though I think the thing
that the truth that I would loveguys to know is it's normal and
(33:41):
it's important that we know it'snormal for our erections to
fluctuate. Every single guy experiences.
This is not what we see on porn.It's not what we see on the
movies, but every single guy experiences that.
And if we're experiencing prolonged erection or
ejaculation challenges over a period of months or years, the
the other truth I would say is it is OK to ask for help and to
(34:04):
feel like we don't know the answers.
You don't need to know the answers.
It's OK. Yeah, it seems really crucial to
realise that what most of us think is normal has been so
horribly influenced by the very abnormal, fake world of porn.
Yes, exactly. Yeah, exactly.
(34:25):
And I see with for example, you know, I've worked with guys from
17 up to mid 70's. The younger guys especially, I
seriously see porn being a much,it is a much bigger influence on
what's going on with their erection challenges.
So I unfortunately, I don't anticipate this challenge should
be getting any easier, especially with the younger
(34:45):
generation because they've grownup on porn, instant access to
porn and. That's literally in their hands
all the time, Yeah. Exactly.
So Shay, what's the best way forpeople to connect with you and
learn more? OK, so yeah, I think if you've
listened to this and if possiblyfeel like it resonates, then
Andy will put a couple of links below.
(35:06):
You'll see the link to the website where you can read some
stories from other men that havegone through this as well to see
if that feels relatable. And also a link to the
performance anxiety quiz. So you know, we spoke earlier on
about this the one minute miracle or this instant fix
trap. A lot of the time when we're
just behind our screen watching endless videos online, we're
(35:26):
stuck in this generic information trap.
It's not specific to what's going on to us on for us
personally. So actually to be able to get it
sorted, we have to know how we've got here in the 1st place.
That's our route to getting thisfixed.
So this free quiz that I've created is 10 yes or no
questions that will show you exactly that.
Is it performance anxiety or is it something else?
(35:48):
And how did you get to this point so that you know what to
do to be able to get it actuallysorted for the long term?
And Shay, are you active in any particular social media at all?
YouTube, yes, that, yeah, just just YouTube.
But that's the that's the place.Yeah.
So YouTube, you'll find a lot ofvideos just around everything to
(36:09):
do with this Sex, erections, climax in performance anxiety.
Beyond the realm of sex, what's one thing that you wish more men
knew? Beyond the realm of sex, the
first thing that the first thingthat came to my mind is to be
break out-of-the-box. I'm just sharing this as it's in
(36:33):
my as it is in my thoughts, thoughts forming now.
So breaking out-of-the-box of I think a lot of us can live our
lives determined by how we thinkwe should be living our life.
What other people have said to us are the others that have
influenced us, what we see on the TV, etcetera, what we
believe it is to be a, a man or even broader than that human.
(36:57):
And I would say challenge, to challenge that, to challenge it
in the sense of going back to what are some of the things that
make you feel the most alive in life.
I feel aliveness is so important.
If we're not growing and doing new things and feeling alive,
then we're dying inside. I think, you know, taking some
time to whether it's writing or going for a walk in the forest
(37:20):
or whatever, to think about and reflect on what are some of the
things that I do that I know that I really love.
The answers are there. It's not difficult to find those
answers. We know instinctively what those
things are. And then actually making more
time to do those things to bringback, to start building back a
sense of aliveness. I just think it's so I was
having this conversation with somebody the other day.
(37:41):
It's so easy now to with technology.
It's yes, great. There's so many advancements is,
is wonderful, but it makes things so convenient and
comfortable for us. It's so easy to just stay inside
or stay behind a screen and losea sense of our connection with
the world, our connection with others, our connection with
ourself, how it feels to truly feel alive.
(38:06):
And I think those doing those things, you know, reconnecting
with that sense of inner aliveness and actually making
that priority, giving time to that, We don't even have to do
much. I think it's just giving time to
do it. And it just feels, I believe you
have, I believe you can relate to that as well.
And it just feels wonderful. You know, there's no feeling
(38:27):
like it. Well, Shay, thanks so much for
joining us today. And thanks for doing the work on
yourself so that you could help others do the work quicker,
easier, better results as you already said.
Unfortunately, I'm I'm sure the need for your services isn't
going away anytime soon. Thank you, Andy.
Thank you for your time and for the questions as well.
(38:50):
Shay Duran, thank you so much for bringing your honesty, your
clarity, and your compassion regarding a topic that destroys
way too many men from the insideout.
If you're listening and you've struggled with performance
anxiety or Ed, please hear this.You are not broken, you are not
alone, and you don't have to just white knuckle your way
through this. You can learn more about Shay's
work at shay-duran.com. And as always, if this episode
(39:13):
stirs something in you, don't stay silent.
Join me and other men committed to living with authenticity,
courage, and connection in my online community.
Authentic AF learnmore@realmenfeel.org/group
And until next time, be good to yourself.
But most of our sex education unfortunately is through porn.
And all we see on there is guys usually with pretty big Dicks
that never go soft. They're always ready even after
they've climaxed, still hard ready to go.
We never see a guy going soft ina porn movie.
And then general movies on TV, romance movies, etcetera, all
(00:24):
feed into this vision, internal vision of this is what sex
should look like. This is the kind of intimacy
that I should be able to deliveras a man.
Hello and welcome to Real Men Feel.
I'm your host, Andy Grant. Today we're talking about
something that almost every man experiences at some point, but
no one wants to talk about out loud.
(00:46):
Erectile dysfunction, sexual performance anxiety, and the
fear that something is wrong with us.
My guest today is Shay Duran, a coach who helps men overcome
sexual performance anxiety, rebuild confidence, and restore
intimacy without shame or awkwardness.
Shay lived this experience himself.
He believed he was broken, triedall the quick fixes, stayed
stuck on the surface until he realized the root issue wasn't
(01:09):
medical, it was mindset. Today, Shay is going to help us
understand why so many suffer insilence, why Ed is rarely just
about the body, and how to startfeeling normal again in the
bedroom and in your life. If you've ever struggled or
loved someone who has, this conversation might change the
way you see yourself. And if you want to continue
(01:30):
conversations like this, join our private community, Authentic
AF at realmenfeel.org/group. Let's do it.
Hello Shay, and welcome to Real Men Feel.
Thanks, Andy. Thank you for having me here.
I know that it was your own challenges and journey that got
you into this line of work. Can you share a little bit about
(01:51):
like what life used to be like for you?
Look so specific to performance anxiety and erection challenges,
life used to be very challengingin this area of sex and
intimacy. So for many years through really
bad relationship with porn and with sex, having sex a lot of
the time for validation things really as a result of that and
(02:14):
the pressure and the stress thatcame from that and also external
things outside, outside of that area of intimacy, it led to
erection challenges and experiencing performance
anxiety. This what if, what if things
don't go to plan? What if I can't satisfy my
partner? What if I end up alone because
of this? All of these thoughts were in my
head for a very long time. Many things did not go to plan
(02:37):
in the bedroom for a long while.And that again, that's going on
the journey of getting that sorted is then eventually what
led me to the work that I'm doing today.
So what did you believe about yourself back then that turned
out to not be true? We're going to have some deep
questions today. I can already feel this.
OK, What did I believe about myself?
I believed that something was wrong with me.
(03:01):
I believed that I wasn't normal.And I believed that, yeah,
everybody else was fine and thatthe issue was just with me.
So something was really wrong with me.
Was that the hardest part, admitting to yourself that
something was wrong? Or was it something else?
(03:22):
I think the hardest part was, itwas probably in stages to be
actually, the hardest part was speaking to somebody about it.
That was the hardest part because for years I said
nothing. I wanted to be able to get it
all fixed for myself. I thought I'd be able to just
fix it all by myself. You know, as men, we don't often
(03:45):
want to talk about these things.We don't really want help.
We just want to be able to get it done.
And this feels very vulnerable. This area feels very vulnerable.
So I remember I'd be on programsor even Zoom group Zoom
meetings, but still I was never vocal about what was going on.
I would just be sitting there inthe background.
And I think the hardest, the probably the hardest first step
(04:08):
was speaking to somebody about it, vocalizing it for the first
time that this is actually a challenge that's going on in my
life and I don't know what to do.
Do most men decide like you'd belike, oh, I'm broken after just
one or two experiences? Or is it take a lot more than
that? Like what?
What's the typical decision of aguy that something's wrong?
(04:28):
So there's one thing which is about how we get to that point
in the 1st place, which I believe is a combination of
things. It's never, it's never usually
from experience, just one thing that happens.
That means that things don't go to plan in the bedroom.
It may seem like that, you know,some guys that I speak with can
pinpoint, oh, it happened on this exact date this year, but
the reality is, is that there's we're looking at ourselves
(04:51):
through a performance lens in other areas of our life,
business, broader sense of relationship, not just sex.
So there's that And then also usually the the seeds of
performance anxiety are planted at a much younger age, right.
So whether it's in sports, whether it's in academics,
theatre, comparison to siblings,there's these messages that are
(05:14):
given to us of, well, we need todo better in that area or yes,
OK, you might have messed that up, but make sure you don't mess
that up next time. It needs to be a better grade
next time. And so we start to believe, oh,
I'm not loved for being myself. I need to be this performative
version of myself in order to receive love.
This is where I believe it starts at its earliest stage
(05:38):
answering your question, where does the thoughts of what if I'm
broken? Where do they start?
I believe it starts at a very young age, usually in areas that
are nothing to do with sex. And then as we grow and start
becoming sexually active, we canhave some experiences that don't
go to plan, right? Whether that's from right from
the beginning of when we lost our virginity or whether it's
(05:59):
later on in our life. And this is seem to start
becoming a challenge more recently.
But there's experiences that don't go to plan.
And then when that's compounded over a period of time, whether
that's months or years, often it's years.
This is when these beliefs that we have around or what if
something's wrong with me start to become, well, sorry, the
(06:20):
questions that we have around what if something's wrong with
me start to become beliefs something is wrong with me.
So I would say it's usually a sequence of events over a period
of time. Does that performative aspect of
of being a man, does that service in some aspects of life
or does IT service to a certain point or what do you think about
(06:42):
that? Very good question.
I think it does service in ambition.
It serves in many of the guys that I speak with are either in
senior positions or they have their own businesses or they're
very driven. They have certain goals, things
that they want to achieve. So the performative mindset
definitely plays into that. But I think there is a a tipping
(07:06):
point where it then becomes about self.
Like we're constantly observing ourself, expecting ourself to be
this, a natural, often version of ourself.
I know you make a difference a distinction between a mindset
problem and a medical problem. Could you share what what that
distinction is? Yeah, sure.
(07:28):
So it's really important that ifwe're experiencing performance
anxiety, whether that's erectionchallenges or climax challenges,
that we take that medical box first of all to make sure
there's nothing going on there, right.
So whether that is cardiovascular issues or
testosterone issues, multiple things could be happening, but
it's important that we just go and visit primary caregiver, get
(07:51):
testosterone levels checked, bloods checked to make sure
everything's OK. We want definitely make sure
we're ticking that box first, the medical box.
Most of the times it's not medical, it's mindset, which is
performance anxiety. So if we're asking ourselves
these questions, if we know thateverything's fine medically and
yet we feel like we're stuck in our head overthinking, asking
(08:14):
ourself what if it doesn't go toplan?
Again, we're already thinking about it before the moment
happens. Or we're taking pills and it
becomes more about a strategy like a pill taking strategy or
maths. If I take this at this time or
this at this particular time in this sequence, then everything
should go to plan. If we're doing these kind of
(08:34):
things or testing our erections in the morning, I remember for
many probably years, I did this wake up and I would check my, if
I have a morning erection, everything's OK.
Or at the point where I was still watching porn, I would be
saying OK. If I can get hard and get off to
this, then it shows me that things are getting better.
When we're in this zone of doingthese self tests and asking
(08:55):
these types of questions, this is where it's more in the
mindset space as opposed to medical.
So when you help guys who have labeled themselves as broken,
perhaps unfixable, that they're the only ones with this problem,
what's the first mindset or belief that that you take on
with them? HDI would say safety in terms
(09:20):
of, you know, what I was saying a moment ago about it felt
really difficult to talk about this.
And so I think the most important thing for me first of
all is to, to let the guy know that they have a safe
environment where where we can talk about this and it's OK to
talk about it without judgement,without shame.
(09:40):
I'll be very transparent and open about my own experiences
with this as as well. So that it, it doesn't feel
like, I think by doing that, it helps to dissolve this feeling
of it's just me going through this.
So I'd say aside from the tools,etcetera, that would be the very
first thing is like getting to this point of just relatability
(10:03):
and safety. So it feels OK to open up about
this. And I've, I've seen you talk and
warn about the, the, the cycle of quick fixes.
And I don't think a day goes by,I don't see e-mail or ads for,
you know, some version of boner pills and magic solution.
So what is harmful about that cycle?
It's crazy. Isn't it Some of the emails is
(10:24):
literally everyday the emails coming through?
It's harmful because our brain believes it.
We won a quick fix. Of course, we don't want to have
to speak to anybody about it. Of course we want to be able to
just stay behind the screen and to just put our details.
Oh, click this e-mail, put our details in, and then we get
something posted to us and everything sorted.
(10:47):
Or we watch a video on a particular breathing exercise or
one something I've seen recentlyis blue salt tricks.
If you're watching this and you're thinking on, let me see
what this blue salt thing is. It's another one of these one
minute miracle fixes that don't actually work.
There's always going to be something new out there.
(11:09):
Do this and it will fix everything.
A lot of it is marketing most ofthe time, but it plays into what
our brain wants, you know, safety, not having to feel
vulnerable about this. And the sad part is we just get
stuck in this trap of thinking that there's always the next
thing I've I can just, I feel like I'm just close to getting
(11:32):
this sorted. If I can just find the thing
that feels like it clicks for me, the next thing comes out,
let me try that. The next thing comes out, let me
try that. And we spend months, if not
years doing this. And the reality is the time that
we spend all the energy that we put into these quick fixes that
don't actually work is time thatwe could have spent genuinely
(11:53):
getting this sorted for the longterm.
So this is the, this is the trap.
And there's just so much of it out there.
And it's, I don't, it's not going away anytime soon,
especially with AI, right? It's going to be becoming even
more believable. Yeah, I imagine there would be,
you know, AI beautiful woman doctors assuring you that
(12:14):
whatever, you know, magical solution they're selling is the
best thing for you. And you can have you fake AI
testimony like every Yeah. Yeah, actually one of the blue
soul when I was ice. Ice I had seen some guys were
typing in on Google and I thought, OK, I'm going to look
at what this thing is and it yeah, it was a total scam,
marketing scam. But they had this very
(12:36):
attractive AI woman, but you it was very difficult to know that
it was AI talking selling this, this blue salt.
And you just put the here's the order form.
And if you click here, put the payment details in, we'll send
it to you. Yeah, I think these things are
not going away. They're just getting more, more
and more believable. But at the same time, we have to
be honest with ourselves. And there comes a point where we
(12:59):
have to say to ourselves is this, has this actually, has any
of this actually been working? Right.
So if you're a man, you're having challenges, performance
issues, and maybe you've you've you've bought some junk that
didn't work, didn't do anything.Is this really something that a
typical guy typical guy can can solve on his own it?
(13:22):
Depends if you want to take the hard route.
I think if you want to take the hard, I solved it for myself but
it took me between 4 nearly fiveyears and over 1000 hours of my
life. So many groups, so many books,
so many trying different techniques.
So yes, I do think it is possible, but it is God.
(13:45):
It's hard and not, not in a goodway to do it for yourself.
And I think we have to make a call on and there's no guarantee
with that either. There's no guarantee that we are
going to find the right tools. We are going to find if we're
just purely doing it only by ourself, it's much easier.
And this is not a self promotion, whether it's me or
(14:07):
whoever, it's much easier to speak to someone who's actually
been through this, who has got the track record of being able
to get it sorted and to receive some guidance around what to do.
Is if I going back, if I could have done that now, if I had
felt more confident to speak to someone about it and to find
somebody who helps to fix this. There was doctors, OK, fine.
(14:32):
But usually the recommendation from doctors is it's, there's
nothing wrong medically, It's inyour mind.
Here's a pill, right? Because it's on the medical.
That's the the area for them. The speciality is the medicine.
But on the mindset, you know, there really wasn't that many
people I saw out there doing this.
And so I just thought I have to figure it all out by myself.
(14:55):
But if I was to go back in time now, Oh, no way.
There's no way that I, I would just block up the courage to
have a call, the first call withsomebody and to just say, OK,
I'm going to realize that I haven't got the the tools, I
haven't got the knowledge right now.
And this is stressing me out andI want to get this sorted as
quickly as possible. Stereotypically, guys are really
(15:19):
hesitant to ask for help about anything but sexual issues.
I'm sure it's even stronger. So what do you think that
compulsion not to admit the problem is?
Is it fear, Shame. Something else?
I think a big part of it is our biology that if we're seen as
(15:40):
different to others, then if we go back to our ancestor times,
if we're different, we can get kicked out of the tribe and
we're left outside to fend for ourselves and probably die, you
know. So I think there is a biological
aspect to this of any topic thatbrings up a heightened sense of
(16:00):
vulnerability, shame, fear. We're always going to feel
hesitant about that because it'sour DNA.
So I think that's part of it. Another part of it is for the
masculine. We want to be able to feel like
we can fix things and achieve things and lock onto and get
something. We can lock our focus onto
(16:20):
something and complete the mission.
That's also part of the masculine energy.
So I think that plays into it aswell.
And then the other parts that contribute is just societal
expectations around sex. In most of our sex education
unfortunately is through porn. And all we see on there is guys
usually that are pretty with pretty big Dicks that never go
(16:44):
soft. They're always ready even after
they've climaxed, still hard ready to go.
We, we never see a guy going soft in a porn movie.
And then general movies on TV, romance movies, etcetera, all
feed into this vision, internal vision of this is what sex
(17:07):
should look like. This is the kind of intimacy
that I should be able to deliveras a man.
And if I'm not doing that, then it means that something's wrong
with me. And we feel like we don't want
to talk to anybody about that because it exposes a weakness, a
perceived weakness. And the reality is obviously
movies, people are cast for those roles, porn people are
(17:29):
cast for those roles. And it's not reality.
But that's one thing. What our brain thinks, or what
we train our brain to think is another thing.
So let's, let's talk about the, the relational impact of this.
Yeah. What the what do partners, and I
mean, you know, female partners,what might they misinterpret
about a man who is struggling tosay, get an erection with them?
(17:53):
Yeah. So I think, and I think this
shows up whether it's a heterosexual relationship, same
sex relationships, this seems tome a common pattern across any
kind of long term relationship is that the partner can think
it's because of them. Is this some and some of it's
very, what I find very interesting is the questions
that the partner will be asking themselves are very, very
(18:14):
similar to the questions that the guy is asking themselves.
But nobody speaks to that speaksabout it to each other.
So the partner will be asking often things like is it because
of me? Is there something wrong with
me? Am I not doing it right for
them? Am I not able to satisfy them in
the way that they want? Maybe they're not attracted to
me anymore. Maybe things aren't going well
(18:36):
in the relationship anymore. These are these are some of the
thoughts, right? The partner will is natural for
them to take it as a self. They'll start judging themselves
about it. And honestly, a lot of the time
that's happening because there'sno conversation.
There's no conversation to to offer reassurance or, or it's
(18:59):
kind of been the same thing overa period of time without any
differences or changes because the guy has been just trying the
quick fixes or sticking with the, the stuff that's not really
working all the time. And so it doesn't feel like
things are shifting. So we can see why the partner
over time, if things are not really changing, why the partner
may be thinking, I don't really think it's about the pills, it
(19:21):
must be about me. It just kind of compounds that.
So are there any ideal questionsa partner could ask to get that
conversation going? Yeah, a couple of things I would
say is not to talk about it in the moment of sex.
All right, This is this is general advice, but the I really
like this line that I had from Esther Perel once, which is
(19:44):
nobody has better sex by talkingabout the kind of sex that
they're not having or no one hasbetter sex by talking about the
kind of sex that they're not having.
So what that would look like if we were doing that was things
haven't really gone to plan in the bedroom and we're laying on
the bed and then we start talking about, oh, what was
wrong? Why didn't it?
You know, I feel like we're not as connected as we used to be.
(20:06):
We used to be more spontaneous or we're not having sex as often
as we used to. This is what we want to avoid,
laying in the place where we've just.
Had an experience that didn't goto plan and then talking about
the kind of sex that we're not having, right?
So that's what we want to avoid.But what we do want to do, if
we're the partner, what we do want to do is offer a sense of
(20:28):
non judge mental reassurance, OK?
It's clearly both people are aware that something's going on,
whether it's the erection or climax issues.
It's like the elephant in the room.
Everybody knows about it, but nobody's speaking about it.
And so the partner offering reassurance, like, OK, we know
(20:49):
this thing's going on. It feels uncomfortable.
OK, it feels uncomfortable to meand I'm sure it feels
uncomfortable to you as well. But I just want you to know that
I'm I'm here for you as as you work through this or as we work
through this, right? That's for the partner.
Something along the lines of that is fantastic.
(21:11):
And there's non judge mental communication and been willing
to go on the journey of, you know, things not going perfectly
all of a sudden as the guy is trying to work on this and get
it sorted. You know, it's not like
overnight things are going to transform.
This is a process, you know, it doesn't need to be a long, long
time, but over a period of 2-3 months, etcetera.
(21:35):
It is possible to get it sorted within that time, but we have to
be willing to go on that journeywith our partner rather than
being stuck in the mindset of sex equals the penetrative act
and ejaculation. And then that's what we get
fixed and locked onto every time.
And if that doesn't happen, thenthings haven't gone the way it
should have done. And then we're back in the
(21:56):
partner thinking, oh, why didn'twe do that since something went
wrong, What's wrong with me? It's not working.
Yeah. So I think this non judge mental
support is the best approach that a partner can take.
And do you always only work withthe man having problems or do
you sometimes work with with thecouple themselves?
(22:16):
Or how's that work? At this point in time, it's just
with the guys because many of the guys that I speak with,
well, let's say 50% of them, 50%of them won't.
I don't want to tell their partner that they're doing that,
they're working on this. And the other 50% are totally
transparent with their partner. So at this point in time, it's
just with the guys because the work can be done.
(22:38):
The worth is solo work. So the relational part of it, I
can guide a guy on that anyway, that's OK.
But the the actual shifts that need to happen is for the
individual. It's not when we were talking
about erection challenges, the performance anxiety, it's not
the couple. There may be things later on
down the line that the couple need to work on together, like
(23:01):
communicating about sex, how to actually ask for what we want or
explore new things in the bedroom.
But the very first the beginningstages of getting performance
anxiety sorted, it's one-on-one,one-on-one.
Work with the guy. And are there unique pressures,
expectations for gay or bi men that most straight guys just
(23:25):
don't even consider or realise? Amen.
Actually experience erection challenges statistically like 3
times more compared to heterosexual men, which I found
very interesting when I found that out.
I think this is to do with things are a lot more sex based
as part of the community. You know, it's a lot more sex
(23:45):
focused or especially for gay men.
And so there's a lot more. I would say the thing that's
heightened, there is pressure toperform to do well because if
not the person's just going to go to somebody else.
So I would say because the the culture is a lot more sex based,
not in all cases, but in a lot of cases definitely compared to
(24:07):
heterosexual, the heterosexual world, it just heightens this
the needs to be a good performer.
And a lot of guys really tie their sense of masculinity to
sexual performance. Yeah, how would you?
Begin to untangle identity from that one function.
Yes. And one, one other thing that
(24:27):
just came to mind on that last question was also the shame
around sexuality, right. So I think that's something that
gay by men experience that heterosexual men, it's not the
same kind of experience. There can be different versions
of it. So we think about gay or
bisexual men, there's a lot of cultural societal shame still
around their sexuality. So this obviously feeds into
(24:51):
performance anxiety, shame, pressure, etcetera, creates a,
it can create a negative association with, with sex and
intimacy, right? When we're layering those things
on top with heterosexual guys. What I find comes up the most
often when it comes to shame around sexuality is if we've
been caught at a younger age, right?
Caught masturbating or caught exploring with friends.
(25:14):
Things like this that are very natural at a young age, but it's
shamed by the authority figure in that moment.
What are you doing that's wrong,that's bad, You can't be doing
that. Or they're caught exploring with
friends and then severely punished for that.
And it is layering in whether it's this or abuse, it's
layering in this sense of shame around sexuality at a young age.
(25:36):
And then we start to put those two things together to answer
that second question around identity.
So the question was how do we decouple the right that
masculine? Identity being tied to sexual
performance. I think a good place to start is
by quite important, honestly, just, but I'm just sharing my
(25:58):
own thoughts of as I've gone on this journey myself, the things
that I would say have been the most helpful is, yeah, reducing,
at the very least, reducing the amount of porn that I'm
watching. So I'm not drilling this, this
identity tag into my mind. The other thing was also
exploring where are the areas ofmy life where I do this, this If
(26:19):
I don't do well in this area, then it means I'm a failure.
So I was doing this a lot in business.
Am I professional life And I didn't realise that I was doing
that in my professional life andit was a very same pattern that
I was doing my sexual life right.
If I'm not good enough to satisfy the other person then I
failed. I was thinking the same thing,
(26:41):
my business life. If I'm not good enough to
achieve this promotion or do this business, then I failed.
So I think my advice here would be for us to be able to detach
this masculine identity with sex.
We have to go one step broader than that and look at where am I
applying this performative basedmindset in other areas of my
(27:04):
life. And how do I realise that
actually, it doesn't matter how I, how I show up in business,
how I show up in the bedroom is not a determination of who I am,
a soul level, who I am as a human being.
What I bring to the table, the qualities that I bring to the
table, the integrity that I havefor the, the things that I
(27:26):
value. You know, our, our bedroom
performance or our business performance is not a, is not
attached to those things. But I had to realize that
myself, because I did. I totally did not see that
before. Right.
Yeah. So any set of temporary
circumstances are not a reflection of who we truly are.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think we have to understand
(27:49):
ourselves a bit deeper and we have to see where we're doing
these patterns that are harming us or holding us back.
Because when we're, when we're just looking through the lens of
this, if I don't achieve X, thenI failed.
To be honest, it probably startsat a very younger age in life
where if we didn't get the grade, then it felt like we
failed because love was taken away from us, right?
(28:11):
So I think this is probably we learn it from, we learn that
pattern from a younger age and then we do it to ourselves when
we're older. Yeah, I would say that's the
what do you think? That's what comes to my mind.
What do you think about this like?
That all makes sense to me and is is there a most common kind
of aha moment that your clients have?
(28:32):
Yeah, I like, I like this. I love your questions.
By the way, this is a very like unique question.
So thank you for putting the thought into this.
OK, the the two moments, I wouldsay there's two, the ones that
come to mind #1 would be, you know, we spoke about some things
from childhood. At the beginning when I'm
(28:55):
speaking with a guy, there's a resistance to want to go there,
right? We think, oh, no, it's nothing
to do with what's going on in mylife now.
I also thought this for a long time, didn't experience any
abuse or real trauma when I was younger.
So we kind of discount that. And we think there's nothing to
explore there. Part of us doing that is
protecting ourselves and then when we start to realise, oh,
(29:17):
there's a few experiences there where the thought pattern seems
very similar to the thought pattern that's showing up today
in the bedroom. Totally different context and
nothing to do with sex, but it'sstill performance based.
That's a HA moment definitely, of being able to broaden the
perspective of seeing this is not just something that's
(29:38):
randomly showing up out of the blue.
It's been going on for a while in other parts of our life.
So that would be 1 and then another one would be realising
that most of the times we're actually putting ourselves in
sexual situations that don't do it for us, that are not that,
that don't feel like we're actually getting turned on by
it, but we're pushing and forcing ourselves because we
(30:00):
think it's what we should be doing.
If I'm a real man, then I shouldbe having sex X amount of times
a month. But the reality is that the way
in which we're having intimacy is either dull, boring, or
there's no feedback. There's no it just feels like
it's a duty. And a big realization is, oh
shit, the type of intimacy that I'm having is not actually the
(30:23):
kind of intimacy that I enjoy. So I know that you have lived
and worked all around the world.What strikes you in different
cultures? How different versions of
masculinity impact performance anxiety?
And like have you worked with people that are in like arranged
marriages or just other other cultural differences from from
(30:43):
kind of what the norm? Yeah, I've went to guys in
Europe, US, Middle East, Australia, Asia.
So yeah, I feel like I've had a very broad experience of guys
from around the world, to be honest.
A lot of it is very similar in terms of the thought patterns
(31:03):
that we're going through and thereason of why this is showing up
in the first place. But yes, there are cultural
differences that I've noticed most down to, I would say,
academics and religion, with some cultures pushing more the
need to perform very, very well at school or else you're a
failure compared to all the other kids.
(31:24):
And with other cultures with religion being, you know,
masturbation is a sin, Sex before marriage is a sin.
Yeah, whether it's that or that we need to live life by God or
who, Allah, whoever, whoever thereligious figure is, I would say
these are the two biggest areas of intensity that can differ by
(31:46):
culture, religious and academic.If if every man listening now
has had any sort of sexual performance issue, what is 1
truth you wish they got? Omar And it's OK it first of
all, regardless of whether we'reexperiencing performance anxiety
(32:08):
or not, it's absolutely normal to have fluctuation,
fluctuations in our erections orin climaxing.
There's so many factors that canplay a part of that.
Did we have a good night's sleep?
What did we eat? Did we work out?
Did we not? So I imagine our imagine in our
well, let's just focus in on erections for a moment.
I imagine that on a scale of zero to 10, right between around
(32:32):
7-7 or eight out of 10, that's where we generally want our
erections to be. There's going to be times where
it's going to be 8-9 or ten out of 10 and there's going to be
times where it's it's lower based on those factors that
we've spoken about. But that fluctuation there of
between 6:00 to 10:00 or 7 to 10is absolutely normal.
It's just not what we believe isshould be happening.
(32:56):
So to bring this to life, if we're kissing, if we're kissing,
making out with our partner on the couch and then we go to the
bedroom and we lose our erectionon the way to the bedroom, we
think, Oh my God, something's something's wrong with me.
I need to quickly. I need to get back in the zone
and get hard again so that they don't think that nothing that
anything's wrong. Or if our partner says I'm just
going to be two minutes and go to the bathroom and then we're
(33:18):
laying on the bed freaking out thinking I've got to stay hard
because they've got to see that I'm ready to go as soon as they
come back out of the bathroom. It's the the stimulation has
stopped in that in those moments, in those pauses.
So it's absolutely normal for our erection to fluctuate in
those moments. And though I think the thing
that the truth that I would loveguys to know is it's normal and
(33:41):
it's important that we know it'snormal for our erections to
fluctuate. Every single guy experiences.
This is not what we see on porn.It's not what we see on the
movies, but every single guy experiences that.
And if we're experiencing prolonged erection or
ejaculation challenges over a period of months or years, the
the other truth I would say is it is OK to ask for help and to
(34:04):
feel like we don't know the answers.
You don't need to know the answers.
It's OK. Yeah, it seems really crucial to
realise that what most of us think is normal has been so
horribly influenced by the very abnormal, fake world of porn.
Yes, exactly. Yeah, exactly.
(34:25):
And I see with for example, you know, I've worked with guys from
17 up to mid 70's. The younger guys especially, I
seriously see porn being a much,it is a much bigger influence on
what's going on with their erection challenges.
So I unfortunately, I don't anticipate this challenge should
be getting any easier, especially with the younger
(34:45):
generation because they've grownup on porn, instant access to
porn and. That's literally in their hands
all the time, Yeah. Exactly.
So Shay, what's the best way forpeople to connect with you and
learn more? OK, so yeah, I think if you've
listened to this and if possiblyfeel like it resonates, then
Andy will put a couple of links below.
(35:06):
You'll see the link to the website where you can read some
stories from other men that havegone through this as well to see
if that feels relatable. And also a link to the
performance anxiety quiz. So you know, we spoke earlier on
about this the one minute miracle or this instant fix
trap. A lot of the time when we're
just behind our screen watching endless videos online, we're
(35:26):
stuck in this generic information trap.
It's not specific to what's going on to us on for us
personally. So actually to be able to get it
sorted, we have to know how we've got here in the 1st place.
That's our route to getting thisfixed.
So this free quiz that I've created is 10 yes or no
questions that will show you exactly that.
Is it performance anxiety or is it something else?
(35:48):
And how did you get to this point so that you know what to
do to be able to get it actuallysorted for the long term?
And Shay, are you active in any particular social media at all?
YouTube, yes, that, yeah, just just YouTube.
But that's the that's the place.Yeah.
So YouTube, you'll find a lot ofvideos just around everything to
(36:09):
do with this Sex, erections, climax in performance anxiety.
Beyond the realm of sex, what's one thing that you wish more men
knew? Beyond the realm of sex, the
first thing that the first thingthat came to my mind is to be
break out-of-the-box. I'm just sharing this as it's in
(36:33):
my as it is in my thoughts, thoughts forming now.
So breaking out-of-the-box of I think a lot of us can live our
lives determined by how we thinkwe should be living our life.
What other people have said to us are the others that have
influenced us, what we see on the TV, etcetera, what we
believe it is to be a, a man or even broader than that human.
(36:57):
And I would say challenge, to challenge that, to challenge it
in the sense of going back to what are some of the things that
make you feel the most alive in life.
I feel aliveness is so important.
If we're not growing and doing new things and feeling alive,
then we're dying inside. I think, you know, taking some
time to whether it's writing or going for a walk in the forest
(37:20):
or whatever, to think about and reflect on what are some of the
things that I do that I know that I really love.
The answers are there. It's not difficult to find those
answers. We know instinctively what those
things are. And then actually making more
time to do those things to bringback, to start building back a
sense of aliveness. I just think it's so I was
having this conversation with somebody the other day.
(37:41):
It's so easy now to with technology.
It's yes, great. There's so many advancements is,
is wonderful, but it makes things so convenient and
comfortable for us. It's so easy to just stay inside
or stay behind a screen and losea sense of our connection with
the world, our connection with others, our connection with
ourself, how it feels to truly feel alive.
(38:06):
And I think those doing those things, you know, reconnecting
with that sense of inner aliveness and actually making
that priority, giving time to that, We don't even have to do
much. I think it's just giving time to
do it. And it just feels, I believe you
have, I believe you can relate to that as well.
And it just feels wonderful. You know, there's no feeling
(38:27):
like it. Well, Shay, thanks so much for
joining us today. And thanks for doing the work on
yourself so that you could help others do the work quicker,
easier, better results as you already said.
Unfortunately, I'm I'm sure the need for your services isn't
going away anytime soon. Thank you, Andy.
Thank you for your time and for the questions as well.
(38:50):
Shay Duran, thank you so much for bringing your honesty, your
clarity, and your compassion regarding a topic that destroys
way too many men from the insideout.
If you're listening and you've struggled with performance
anxiety or Ed, please hear this.You are not broken, you are not
alone, and you don't have to just white knuckle your way
through this. You can learn more about Shay's
work at shay-duran.com. And as always, if this episode
(39:13):
stirs something in you, don't stay silent.
Join me and other men committed to living with authenticity,
courage, and connection in my online community.
Authentic AF learnmore@realmenfeel.org/group
And until next time, be good to yourself.
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