October 24, 2025 • 30 mins
Embracing Sexuality and Aging with Karen Bigman
In this episode of Real Men Feel, host Andy Grant welcomes Karen Bigman, the founder of Taboo to Truth. Together, they break down myths and stigmas surrounding sex and aging. Karen shares insights on how aging doesn't signify the end of desire and intimacy but can mark a new beginning.
They discuss the differences in sexual changes for men and women as they age, the importance of communication in maintaining a healthy sex life, and the significance of emotional intimacy. The conversation also touches upon society's discomfort with discussing sex and the impact of traditional sex education. Karen encourages listeners to embrace new forms of intimacy and pleasure as they grow older, supporting her message with personal anecdotes and professional experiences.
00:00 Introduction: Embracing Midlife Changes
00:22 Welcome to Real Men Feel
00:31 Meet Karen Bigman: Breaking Myths on Sex and Aging
01:18 Karen's Journey: From Menopause to Sex Education
02:36 Debunking Myths About Aging and Sexuality
03:48 Society's Reluctance to Discuss Sex and Aging
07:42 Men's Identity and Sexual Performance
11:50 Navigating Intimacy and Emotional Connection
13:11 Advice for Dating After Long Relationships
14:38 Maintaining a Healthy Sex Life in Long-Term Relationships
19:07 Exploring Sexuality and Kink in Midlife
24:51 Karen's Personal Dating Experiences
25:58 The Importance of Open Conversations About Sex
27:18 Karen's Podcast and Final Thoughts
30:09 Conclusion: Aging and New Possibilities
Connect with Karen
Website — https://www.taboototruth.com/
TikTok — https://www.tiktok.com/@taboototruth
Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/taboototruth
LinkedIn — https://www.linkedin.com/in/karenbigman/
YouTube — https://www.youtube.com/@taboototruthpodcast
Connect with Andy and the Real Men Feel Podcast:
Join me and connect with other like-minded men in the
Authentic AF Community | http://realmenfeel.org/group
Instagram | @realmenfeelshow & @theandygrant
Andy Grant Website | https://theandygrant.com for coaching, healing, and book info!
Real Men Feel Website | http://realmenfeel.org
YouTube | https://youtube.com/realmenfeel
#RealMenFeel ep 376
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Midlife is really an opportunityto change the narrative that you
had. It's an opportunity to try new
things. Like nobody's, I mean, and if
they are judging you, like who cares?
Like you've got this much, you've lived half your life in a
certain way. Like why not now open it up and
live it in a in a different way.It's your life to choose.
(00:20):
It's your sex to choose. Hello and welcome to Real Men
Feel. I'm your host, Andy Grant, and
today we're diving into a topic that often gets brushed aside,
sex and aging. Our guest today is Karen Bigman,
founder of Taboo to Truth, whereshe helps people navigate
intimacy, pleasure and self-expression as they grow
older. Karen is breaking down the myths
(00:41):
and stigma around sexuality and midlife and beyond, showing us
that aging doesn't mean the end of desire or connection.
It can actually be a new beginning.
And if you're looking for supportive community, check out
Authentic AF, my free online community at
realmenfield.org/group. Let's do it.
Hello Karen, and welcome to RealMen Field.
(01:02):
Hi, thank you for having me. So you focus on sex and aging.
Is this something that have you always been a sex therapist and
the aging came on as just as youwere aging or is this a late in
life interest or you know, how did you enter peer?
So first of all, I'm not a sex therapist.
I'm actually just a sex, just not just because it's quite
(01:23):
encouragement too. I'm, I'm a certified sex
educator and a coach. I do sex and relationship
coaching for men and women. So the therapist, I mean, I
think you know, in this, in thisfield, many of us are
therapeutic because there's so many challenges with sex and
aging. But this actually, it was
something that I became sort of more sex aware and sex positive
(01:43):
as I started to go through menopause.
And I'm happy to talk about the the challenges that I faced.
And then about a little less than 10 years later, as I was
turning 60, I was getting all these messages that, you know, I
thought women at this age didn'tlike sex anymore.
I thought, you know, like that, that after menopause, you know,
that's no good. It's terrible.
You shouldn't, you shouldn't even try as you give up.
(02:05):
And I had quite a different experience.
And So what was going on in my life and, and I just decided
that I would start talking aboutmy journey and my challenges.
And the more I talk about it, the more people are interested
in hearing about it because it really is something that we get
these messages that once we're all that, you know, our, our
reproductive years are over. So, you know, and it doesn't
(02:26):
work. Women don't work anymore and men
are starting to get erectile dysfunction, all these things
and like sex, just like, let's just take it off the table.
And I say hell no. All right, so So what are some
of the biggest myths out there around aging and sexuality?
The first is that you need to give up on sex.
So there's this. I would say one of the bigger
(02:47):
ones is like use it or lose it, which often as as we age,
certainly in long term relationships, there's a lot of
people are are more comfortable with each other.
There's less sex, there's less novelty, and in fact that if you
have not had sex for a very longtime, often you don't want it
anymore or you feel like your body isn't working.
It becomes painful, particularlyfor women as they age.
And the myth is that that means it has to stop.
(03:09):
Because the truth of the matter is there are ways sex changes as
we age. Doesn't doesn't need to stop.
Everyone can have sex. I've recently heard a doctor
telling me she has two female patients that are 96 years old
that are sexually active. So we we shouldn't, there's no
reason to give up. But what we really need to do,
what we need to understand is that sex isn't going to look the
(03:31):
same AT506070 as it did when youwere 20-30 and even 40.
And to understand that it will look and feel different and that
the approach to it needs to be different really helps how we
approach it and and help sort ofdebunk that myth.
Why do you think society and culture avoids discussions about
(03:53):
sex and aging? Particularly in in North
America, I'm sure, And this is true around the world as well.
But for the most part, we are not taught how to talk about
sex. We're not taught about our body
parts. The sex education in the United
States, and I grew up in Canada,it wasn't much better, is
absolutely abysmal. I think it's 33 out of the 50 or
(04:13):
51 states I can't remember because I didn't grow up here,
have mandated sex education. And it does not have to be
medically accurate. So if you think about that, a
lot of states actually teach abstinence.
They're not required to use the proper language.
They're not. I mean, I did not know that my
genitals were a vulva, not a vagina, because most people
(04:34):
think of a female, female down there, if you will, as the
vagina, which is not the case. It's actually the vulva.
So this was something that I learned later in life.
So we don't have the language. If if we had sex education, it
was probably very minimal. It was about don't, don't get
pregnant and don't get an STI. It was very male focused, very
male pleasure focused. Sex is over when you have an
orgasm, when a man has an orgasm.
(04:55):
So all these messages that we'retaught throughout life and then
sex is something that you have behind closed doors.
And so how do we ever talk aboutit if we're not, if we're taught
that we're not supposed to, we're supposed to shy away from
it. I saw, I went to this course,
which is, it's called a sexual attitude reassessment.
A lot of doctors go to it helps doctors become more aware of
(05:16):
different practices and sexuality.
And, and they, they, they want doctors to be open to whoever
comes into their office. And I, I went as an educator and
they showed a, a video of a bunch of young kids under 10 as
their parents tried to teach them about sex.
And what was totally shocking tome was that these kids were
already by that age, I mean, some of them must have been 5678
(05:39):
were so embarrassed when their parents tried to tell them about
sex. So that is the message we're
taught like sex is something embarrassing, but guess what?
Somebody, for the most part not.I mean, now we can have babies
different ways, but most of you came onto this earth because of
sex. So we need to change that
narrative to start when kids areyoung.
Is that modern society? Is that human society?
(06:01):
Like, yeah, what? Like everyone giggles.
Every sitcom is like, oh, parents talk about sex or
grandparents, God forbid they talk about sex.
Yeah, it's just horrible shameful thing.
Or maybe it's not shameful. It's just, yeah, what?
What is our what? What is it about our
uncomfortability with it as a subject?
I would, you know, I have not done any research into the
history of sex, but the bit thatI know I like back in Roman and
(06:24):
Greek times, sex was just, you know, they had wild orgies and
parties and men, oh, man, man, awoman, like it didn't matter.
It was just part of the culture.And I think as I understand it,
as the Catholic Church became more and more involved or as the
church in general became more and more involved in creating
culture somewhere they, it's suggested in the Bible, I guess,
(06:46):
that it's supposed to be betweena man and a woman.
And it's only for the purposes of I haven't studied religion,
so I don't want to claim something I don't know, but for
the purposes of, of making babies of procreating.
So that's, that's what culture and society tells us.
That's what we what we learn. And what's been also kind of
fascinating for me, and I noticed it a little more lately,
is I've been doing this work now, I'm actually coming up on
(07:07):
my 2 year anniversary for my podcast this week.
And I have really gotten to knowthis very sex positive community
that is very welcoming. And they, they range in, in what
their practices are, how they identify, what they talk about.
And I forget that when I get back to most people that they
don't, they're like, whoa, what are you talking about, Karen?
(07:28):
Like, calm down about that. Like, let's just just to say
down there instead of vagina, let's not call it a penis, let's
call it, you know, a Dick or whatever.
So it it really is something that that we we can learn to
embrace, but we don't. Now so many men at at all ages
tie their sense of identity to sexual performance and virility.
(07:52):
How do you help men redefine that as they age?
It's interesting because we, we talk a lot about how sex changes
for women as they go through menopause.
And I think the reason we, we identify it so much is that it's
this sort of dramatic change. What happens with men is it's a
much more gradual change, although statistically 40% of
(08:14):
men in their 40s will have ED-50in their 50s, etcetera.
So performance will change. And I, I interviewed this sex
educator a couple of weeks ago and she was talking about how
men are taught to, to show themselves as men to, to man up,
to become masculine, to show up in a masculine way where women
are just women. We're, I mean, we have our other
(08:35):
challenges, but nobody looks at us and says you need to woman
up. So men are identified with this
like sex and men has to do with penis and vagina and
ejaculating. So if there's any issue that
affects that, then automaticallyit means there's something wrong
with me. I'm not a man anymore.
And if you ask a bunch of men ina room who are in their 50s and
(08:57):
60s, and I will say from the experiences I've had dating,
I've been single for four years now and I'm 62 and I've dated
men from 54 to like 65 maybe. And for the ones that I've
gotten intimate with, every single one of them has had
performance issues. Every single one from one form
or another, whether it was they needed Viagra or Cialis, whether
(09:18):
it was that they had shame, somesort of sexual shame from from
growing up in religious backgrounds, or they just were
intimidated because they hadn't had sex in a long time.
It's it's happening to, to all to many men.
So why not just say, OK, like women are dealing with it.
(09:38):
We're learning how to navigate sex differently as we age.
Men should be just as comfortable doing that.
And that I might guess an unusual person in that way where
I'm like, hey, it's OK, look, you're having a problem.
Let's work with it. You know, like this is what it
is. But I would say that that many
men feel like, you know, I'm, I'm not pleasing her like this
is like I'm a failure if I can'tget it up or, or if you know
(10:01):
something, I can't ejaculate or whatever the issue is.
So there's more to sex than intercourse and ejaculation.
As a matter of fact, there is. So I I think that's, that's like
the first, I would say one of the first big pieces.
I mean, you want to check with your doctor is there erectile
dysfunction is one of the can bean indicator of cardiovascular
(10:25):
issues because the veins to or the arteries rather to the penis
are the smallest in the body. So if you are having erectile
dysfunction like thing one is you want to make sure that
there's nothing wrong that you don't have any medical issues.
And if you do, then of course you want to address those.
But the next thing is to start to look at sex in a bigger
picture as pleasure as opposed to just intercourse, and try to
(10:45):
define it as something that is an intimate experience between
you and your partner. That does not always have to
include intercourse, because there are a lot of ways to have
fun and to pleasure each other that doesn't involve sticking a
penis in a vagina. So you mentioned that men go
through changes as well as the age.
(11:06):
So is there a kind of male version of menopause?
That their testosterone does decrease, it's just at a slower
level. So I would say that that would
be about the equivalent dealing with issues.
An erectile dysfunction is not just an ability to have an
orgasm, it's also an ability to to ejaculate.
It's also, I would call there's something called Peroni's
(11:29):
disease, which is a curvature ofthe penis that can happen
sometimes during rough sex, a man will get a fracture in the
penis and of course many are embarrassed to ever deal with
it. And over time what happens is
there, I guess the calcifications form or something
and the penis starts to curve and that can be extremely
painful both for the, for the penis owner and for the for the
vulva owner. So those are things that can
(11:49):
that can happen. We mentioned intimacy and
emotional intimacy. Does that become more important
as as couples age? I think it's important,
regardless of where you are, I think that, you know, again,
back to that we need a man up. We're not allowed to show our
emotions. That to me, the sexiest thing in
a man is that he shows vulnerability and he admits that
(12:10):
like, I don't know it all. I can.
I'm not emotionally shut down that I actually, you know, I,
I'm not looking for a man who's,you know, bubbling idiot who's
crying all the time. I mean that, you know, you
probably have more issues going on if that's the case, but I do
want to know how, how are you feeling?
What, what do you think? How, how, if it comes when it
comes to sex? Like let's talk about what, what
(12:31):
do you like how, you know, what are the things that turn you on?
What are the things, you know, asking me?
What are the things that turn meon?
How can we navigate? I mean, I have like back issues
and like, I don't bend the way Iused to look.
How can we work through this andbeing comfortable and, and, and
knowing that, like when you showno vulnerability, when you ask,
when you show that you really care, like that is going to make
(12:52):
the sex that much better than just saying, OK, I know, I know
what to do. We get in the bedroom and we're
going to like, you know, start with the kissing, then maybe the
Laurel, and then we're going to end up in, you know, penis
vagina and then I ejaculate and it's over.
I mean that that script. Let's get rid of it.
Yeah, it's it's, it's more than just an exercise routine with a
partner. Exactly.
Exactly. So is there any special advice
(13:13):
you have for people that are or dating again after long
relationships or marriages? The first thing I would say is
deal with your shit. Like don't go from a long
relationship and then the next day get into another
relationship because you will repeat whatever the mistakes
were. You'll end up with the same
person again or you'll end up ina in a worse relationship that
(13:36):
you can't get out of. Take the time to work on
yourself, figure out like what was it that what was my role and
why this relationship broke downand what is it in this person
that I saw thought that I chose them and how do I choose
differently this time? So that is thing one thing two,
you know, I just had a conversation with a guy.
He we met on one of the apps andhe said, just letting you know,
(13:57):
I was in a 32 year marriage. I've been single for six months.
We're separated and I'm like, goget laid.
Go like go have, I mean, do it safely, make sure that you're
doing it, you know, with consentand with and, and with safety.
But go have some fun, have some sex.
If you've been in a long relationship, chances are that
at least towards the end of yourrelationship, there wasn't a lot
of sex. Go have some fun, go learn what
(14:18):
you like. Go, go teach your body how to
respond again and understand what it's like to be in a sexual
intimate relationship. And that also comes with the
working on yourself and, and, and, and feeling more confident
and, and just being aware of what, what things trigger you
and what things that you want tohave in your life that you
didn't have in the past. So and for people that in long
(14:41):
term relationships been, you know, relationships for decades,
you make it sound like they all sex Peters out for everybody.
So is is there a way to keep a healthy sex life in a long term
relationship? As long as you accept that
things change and you communicate, I mean, the number
one thing you need to do is to communicate with your partner.
And oftentimes either it's been lousy sex, which is why it
(15:05):
stopped, or there have been performance issues or pain
issues with for women. And nobody wants to talk about
it. Everybody's, you know, they're
thinking and he should know, sheshould know, you know, like they
should understand, Or it's like,we just don't need it anymore.
So I, I say like, like, if it's something that really bothers
either one or both of you, it needs to be addressed by telling
(15:25):
that person first. Like I, we used to have a great
sex life. I loved our sex life.
You know, it, it it's we're going to grow all together.
I love you. I want to spend the rest of my
life with you. How can we try to get things
back on the right track? And it might just be like, I
listened to this podcast today and this woman was talking about
it. And let's let's start by talking
about it. And sometimes it involves just
(15:46):
having a, you know, I say like alittle bite of something or
giving, giving, I call them sex snacks, like starting to do
something a little bit intimate that that you haven't done for a
long time. John Gottman, who is one of the
relationship gurus, talks about a six second kiss or a 22nd hug,
which release oxytocin. So give your partner a hug,
(16:07):
touch them on the small of theirback, do something unusual for
them. If you never brought, you know,
haven't brought them flowers in a long time or buy a sex toy and
make, you know, have have fun with with it.
Try to bring back some form of intimacy.
That doesn't mean like, let's, let's get back in the bedroom
and try to have intercourse again because we haven't done it
in 20 years. You got it.
You got to reintroduce reignite the relationship.
(16:29):
And oh, by the way, men are morevisual and tend to be able to
get it up much more easily. So if they see something sexy,
perhaps they'll like they'll be able to get it up.
But women need more novelty. We need something that's going
to like get that, get those those hormones going.
And so it takes some time to to get back to the new kind of sex
(16:50):
that you're going to be having at this point in your life.
Years ago I had AI believe a marriage counselor on the show
and he was talking about sex drives and saying that the
partner with the lowest sex drive, what will will kind of
drive the relationship sexually?And I wonder does the sex drive
(17:10):
does it can it flip between the the man or the woman who who who
who has a harder sex drive or not harder?
That's a bad word today. Who has a higher higher sex
drive and can that flip as as people age?
I don't know that it can flip, but it can change.
And I think it depends on the couple.
Like in in my case, I was the one with the higher sex drive,
(17:30):
which you, you know, one thinks it's always the man that that
has a higher sex drive. So I think it, it depends.
One has to learn if you are in arelationship that that is
monogamous and one of you wants more sex than the other, then
you need to find ways to accommodate the other person.
So if you don't want sex at all,and your partner wants sex
(17:51):
everyday, you're probably not going to be compatible.
But there might be a way where the person who doesn't want sex
can somehow find a way to get a little more intimate with the
person who wants it a lot. And then the person that wants
it a lot will have to find otherways to derive sexual pleasure,
whether it's through masturbation or watching porn or
in an agreement with their partner, finding ways outside of
(18:14):
the marriage. That's, that's whether it's
opening it up and or bringing inkink, kinky toys or what,
whatever it is. The other thing is, is with,
sometimes with the help of a of a sex therapist trying to figure
out how to re engage with each other.
And then I like, I've seen a lotof couples as they get older
start just say, OK, like, like we're, we're kind of bored with
(18:34):
each other. Let's let's, let's try something
else. Let's bring in a third.
Let's try swinging. Let's go to a sex club.
Let's go to let's, let's do something kinky.
You want to make sure you do everything in a very healthy,
you know, consensual way with a lot of communication, but it
could be a lot of fun to try to do something new.
I mean that you see these couples that like you just, you
(18:55):
just know that when they have a really good sex life, you just
you can tell. Because they're inviting you
into it. That's not my game, but I love.
I'd love to hear when people do it.
Like popular culture would tell us that the older you get, the
less sex you have, but you're kind of seeing the older you
get, the more experimental people are becoming.
I think so I, if, if it's what if you want sex to be a part of
(19:18):
your life and generally when people are talking to me that's
it's because they want more sex in their life, then yes,
absolutely. You know, I, I, I occasionally
will go to something called a munch, which is a social
gathering of people who are kinky And I, I, I don't partake
at this point in my life. I never say never because I'm
still new in this whole community.
But it's so interesting because it's, it's this group of people
(19:40):
that meet for coffee or or cocktail, whatever.
There's nothing is no play is practice.
But they talk about the different, they, they look for
other partners and get to know them and they talk about the
different ways in which they practice.
And it's just, it's a really beautiful social community.
Like everybody's just learning. And I, I mean, I learned some
very interesting things and I. Talk to some people that
(20:02):
practice things that I didn't even know existed, but like in a
million years I wouldn't touch. But it's like, well, good for
you that you found something that you enjoy at this point in
your life and that you know you can do it without anybody
judging you if you're in this community.
I wanted to ask, like, have you discovered something that you
had never even heard of before? But so so then it's like you
have multiple things. Yes, yes, I mean, one of the
(20:26):
things that seems to be popular these days is Electro play where
you they use electric shock as aform of pain, not just like
spanking. And then this one, this one, I,
I interviewed A dominatrix and Isaid, what's, you know, what are
the biggest things that people ask for?
And the first was bondage and the second was piss play.
People like to be peed on, especially especially men.
(20:49):
And like, I don't judge and I'm like, I don't understand.
To me, it feels like yucky and shit.
It's, it's a, it's a way of being degraded.
Like these men are generally in very powerful positions and they
want to be just in a place wherethey're completely degraded.
And this is a form of, of degradation.
And I'm like, hey, if that it's not necessarily sexual, but if
(21:10):
that works for you and it and you enjoy it and nobody's
getting hurt and you like it, hey, go do it.
Well, am I to tell you not to just take a shower after?
Yeah, that's a that's a level ofemotional intimacy I I would not
consider either. So, but yeah, good.
Like you know how I make common grounds with any guests or
(21:31):
anything that don't believe in like is, is the goal to have
more fun in life? Is the goal to have a good life
then then great. If that's what it's doing for
you. Super.
Exactly. Exactly.
So it sounds like you're saying that people come to you the
most. The reason most people come to
you is they want more sex and they're trying to figure out
what changes have to happen for.That or they're more more likely
(21:51):
there's they're re entering the dating world and they're like,
how do I navigate these challenges?
Whether it's a woman who's dealing with the menopause
issues or it's a man who's dealing who's just afraid, Like
how do I get back out there withconfidence?
That's typically who when someone's going to want to talk
to me. I don't do any hands on sex
coaching. I mean, I have plenty of people
in my network that that do that kind of work, but I might direct
(22:13):
somebody to someone or just try to talk through like what really
is the issue here? Is there a physical issue?
Is there an emotional issue? Is there a relationship?
You know, do you need to like learn how to re engage with
women again or with men again? So that may be some of it.
And with the men that you see, is it more common, a physical
issue, a mindset issue? Like, is there something that's
(22:35):
most common for you? I think they're related.
When a man has a performance issue at any point, it becomes a
psychological issue or an emotional issue.
I have a partner that I, that I play with whatever you want to
like a lover, whatever you want to call him.
And like, in the beginning things were great and, and I
(22:57):
don't see him that often. But now when I see him, I know
there's like, there's some guiltthat's going on with him, with
some other things going on in his life and it affects us in
the bedroom. And it's like now every time he
has that in his head, like I didn't perform last time, so am
I going to be able to perform this time?
And so we have to kind of talk it through like what is going on
here that's causing you to have these issues?
Because we've had an amazing time together.
(23:19):
And now it's of course it's going to change over time
because you know, when a partnerthat you've had for a while, but
there's definitely some emotional issues that are, that
are affecting how he is. And so we, you have to just talk
about them, you have to deal with them.
And, and I may not be the personqualified to help you get
through something that's much more deep, deep seated issue
around sex, but I may help you identify and say, OK, like maybe
(23:43):
it's time for you to go seek more help.
Or maybe it's just like, hey, I had one guy asked me like, how's
my, like, I, I, I don't, I know this is a stupid question, but
how's my size? After I had already told him,
like, you're good, you know, we're, we're a good fit.
And I explained to him that sizeis very personal because every
woman, if you're talking about amale female, every woman's
(24:04):
vaginal canal is a different depth.
Every woman derives pleasure differently.
Most women need clitoral stimulation and and penetrative
sex is not going to do it for them.
So your size, maybe one woman likes a really wide girth, but
could care less about the lengthbecause they have a short
vaginal clinical. Maybe another woman has had five
children and they want a really girthy long penis.
(24:27):
Like everybody's different. So your, your penis size is is
it's more. I want to know that you
understand and you're asking me and you're trying to to create a
pleasurable intimate experience for us.
I don't care if you're this big or that well, if you're that
big, you won't fit. But we'll have to find other
ways to have to have sex. I mean, that's really what it
comes down to. It's just being open minded and
(24:49):
being in tune with your partner.You enjoy dating in your 60s
because you're making it sound like you're working all the
time. I love it.
I'm one of these crazy people that actually loves the dating
apps because I've met so many different people and every
experience has been different. There's definitely some
frustration that like everybody has.
(25:10):
But I look at it as like a way to meet people I never would
have met in my life before. And so I, you know, I have had
more sexual partners than I've ever had before in the last few
years. I'm very conscious of being
safe. So it's.
Yeah, that's been fun. Does that mean I want to like,
personally, I'm not looking to be in open for the rest of my
(25:31):
life. I very much like to find a
single partner and be in some sort of, whether it's entirely
monogamous or not, but committedrelationship.
But yeah, I, I love it. I love meeting people.
I love learning. I love, I love talking to men
who I mean, I prefer them to be emotionally where having done
their work. But when I meet them then and
they're, they're, they're on their own journey.
(25:52):
Like often we become friends andit just becomes like a kind of a
coaching relationship. If if open conversations about
sex between all people was more common, that would affect men's
mental health and relationships overall, I think the world would
be a. Much better place we wouldn't we
wouldn't have the power grab because like everyone would be
(26:14):
blowing with oxytocin and happy hormones and walking around in a
good mood. So, yeah, I think it's it would
be a really great thing. And I and I think that that
midlife is really an opportunityto change the narrative that you
had. It's an opportunity to try new
things. Like nobody's, I mean, and if
they are judging you, like, who cares?
(26:35):
Like you've got this much, you've lived half your life in a
certain way. Like why not now open it up and
live it in a in a different way?It's your life to choose.
It's your sex to choose. Aaron is there.
One thing that you wish more menknew, there's nothing wrong
with. Asking and saying that you don't
know if you know if I had one guy like wants wanted to learn
(26:59):
like tell me I want you to be myteacher.
Like be open to to learning because the definition of sex
that you learned as a heterosexual man and the script
that we had doesn't have to be the same.
And if you really want to pleasure a woman and really have
a good relationship, that's the best way to do it.
Tell me about your. Podcast, my podcast.
(27:20):
Is taboo to truth life and sex after 50.
So we've talked about many of the topics I address.
I address. I talk about my challenges that
I've had. I have my first season was a lot
about female sexual health issues.
I address male sexual health issues as well.
I interview sex therapists, fetish coaches, dominatrixes,
doctors. I'm trying to think of who
(27:41):
people who run sex clubs like I I go the gamut because I want
people to know that like a lot of times I don't get necessarily
like people will tell me like I love your podcast, but I won't I
won't like it because I don't want anyone to know.
But people. It's like the information that
you really want to know, but youdon't want to tell anyone that
you're listening to like that's you'll find it on my podcast,
(28:03):
You're the Secret. Listen, the secret.
Yes, yes. The taboo, Yeah.
Oh, properly. Titled then yes, yes, yes.
So Karen, what's the best? Way for people to connect with
you. Learn more about all you offer
so by my website. Is taboo to truth.com my podcast
taboo to truth and then all my socials same thing.
TikTok, Instagram and then YouTube is probably the best
(28:25):
place to watch my podcast if you're interested in the visual
and. What do you see for the future
of of sex relationship? Do you think we're getting more
open? Are we headed to being more
closed off and isolated? What what's your vibe?
Sadly, I. Think this country's going in
the other direction. They're putting more and more
restrictions on content. You now we're going to have to
(28:46):
put 18 and over checks on our websites if you have any kind of
explicit content. I mean, at least in in North
America, I think we're going backwards.
Like I said, when I'm in this community of that is so
welcoming and open. It feels like we're expanding,
but I unfortunately, I really think we're contracting.
Yeah, I, I. That's what I see too, and
that's why I wanted to ask and maybe had a different you're
(29:09):
seeing, you're certainly seeing people that I'm not.
But so it's interesting that there's more things kind of out
there and people are some peopleare more experimenting, but
overall, like, yeah, there's kind of a lid coming down.
Yeah, I mean, I do. Hear that swinging is much more
common in people in in midlife. So maybe maybe people are
getting more experimental, but being secretive, more secretive
(29:31):
about it. But I do think it's getting
harder to show people what's outthere, especially, especially
interestingly for female creators, they the censors are
censorship is much higher. So you guys get it out, get the
information out there. Awesome.
Karen, thanks so much for your time today and I really
appreciate and value you for kind of taking your own
(29:55):
discomfort and and sharing with the world and and letting your
journey be a gateway for other people to embark on their
journeys. And I think that's just it's,
it's so needed. Thank you so much.
Thanks for. Having me, Andy, great to see
you, That was Karen Bigman reminding.
Us that sex and intimacy don't have an expiration date.
Aging can bring new challenges, but also deeper connection and
(30:15):
fresh possibilities. If today's conversation spoke to
you, I invite you to keep exploring with us inside the
authentic AF community. It's a free space for men to
connect and support each other in living fully.
Join us at realmenfeel.org/groupand until next time, be good to
yourself.
Midlife is really an opportunityto change the narrative that you
had. It's an opportunity to try new
things. Like nobody's, I mean, and if
they are judging you, like who cares?
Like you've got this much, you've lived half your life in a
certain way. Like why not now open it up and
live it in a in a different way.It's your life to choose.
(00:20):
It's your sex to choose. Hello and welcome to Real Men
Feel. I'm your host, Andy Grant, and
today we're diving into a topic that often gets brushed aside,
sex and aging. Our guest today is Karen Bigman,
founder of Taboo to Truth, whereshe helps people navigate
intimacy, pleasure and self-expression as they grow
older. Karen is breaking down the myths
(00:41):
and stigma around sexuality and midlife and beyond, showing us
that aging doesn't mean the end of desire or connection.
It can actually be a new beginning.
And if you're looking for supportive community, check out
Authentic AF, my free online community at
realmenfield.org/group. Let's do it.
Hello Karen, and welcome to RealMen Field.
(01:02):
Hi, thank you for having me. So you focus on sex and aging.
Is this something that have you always been a sex therapist and
the aging came on as just as youwere aging or is this a late in
life interest or you know, how did you enter peer?
So first of all, I'm not a sex therapist.
I'm actually just a sex, just not just because it's quite
(01:23):
encouragement too. I'm, I'm a certified sex
educator and a coach. I do sex and relationship
coaching for men and women. So the therapist, I mean, I
think you know, in this, in thisfield, many of us are
therapeutic because there's so many challenges with sex and
aging. But this actually, it was
something that I became sort of more sex aware and sex positive
(01:43):
as I started to go through menopause.
And I'm happy to talk about the the challenges that I faced.
And then about a little less than 10 years later, as I was
turning 60, I was getting all these messages that, you know, I
thought women at this age didn'tlike sex anymore.
I thought, you know, like that, that after menopause, you know,
that's no good. It's terrible.
You shouldn't, you shouldn't even try as you give up.
(02:05):
And I had quite a different experience.
And So what was going on in my life and, and I just decided
that I would start talking aboutmy journey and my challenges.
And the more I talk about it, the more people are interested
in hearing about it because it really is something that we get
these messages that once we're all that, you know, our, our
reproductive years are over. So, you know, and it doesn't
(02:26):
work. Women don't work anymore and men
are starting to get erectile dysfunction, all these things
and like sex, just like, let's just take it off the table.
And I say hell no. All right, so So what are some
of the biggest myths out there around aging and sexuality?
The first is that you need to give up on sex.
So there's this. I would say one of the bigger
(02:47):
ones is like use it or lose it, which often as as we age,
certainly in long term relationships, there's a lot of
people are are more comfortable with each other.
There's less sex, there's less novelty, and in fact that if you
have not had sex for a very longtime, often you don't want it
anymore or you feel like your body isn't working.
It becomes painful, particularlyfor women as they age.
And the myth is that that means it has to stop.
(03:09):
Because the truth of the matter is there are ways sex changes as
we age. Doesn't doesn't need to stop.
Everyone can have sex. I've recently heard a doctor
telling me she has two female patients that are 96 years old
that are sexually active. So we we shouldn't, there's no
reason to give up. But what we really need to do,
what we need to understand is that sex isn't going to look the
(03:31):
same AT506070 as it did when youwere 20-30 and even 40.
And to understand that it will look and feel different and that
the approach to it needs to be different really helps how we
approach it and and help sort ofdebunk that myth.
Why do you think society and culture avoids discussions about
(03:53):
sex and aging? Particularly in in North
America, I'm sure, And this is true around the world as well.
But for the most part, we are not taught how to talk about
sex. We're not taught about our body
parts. The sex education in the United
States, and I grew up in Canada,it wasn't much better, is
absolutely abysmal. I think it's 33 out of the 50 or
(04:13):
51 states I can't remember because I didn't grow up here,
have mandated sex education. And it does not have to be
medically accurate. So if you think about that, a
lot of states actually teach abstinence.
They're not required to use the proper language.
They're not. I mean, I did not know that my
genitals were a vulva, not a vagina, because most people
(04:34):
think of a female, female down there, if you will, as the
vagina, which is not the case. It's actually the vulva.
So this was something that I learned later in life.
So we don't have the language. If if we had sex education, it
was probably very minimal. It was about don't, don't get
pregnant and don't get an STI. It was very male focused, very
male pleasure focused. Sex is over when you have an
orgasm, when a man has an orgasm.
(04:55):
So all these messages that we'retaught throughout life and then
sex is something that you have behind closed doors.
And so how do we ever talk aboutit if we're not, if we're taught
that we're not supposed to, we're supposed to shy away from
it. I saw, I went to this course,
which is, it's called a sexual attitude reassessment.
A lot of doctors go to it helps doctors become more aware of
(05:16):
different practices and sexuality.
And, and they, they, they want doctors to be open to whoever
comes into their office. And I, I went as an educator and
they showed a, a video of a bunch of young kids under 10 as
their parents tried to teach them about sex.
And what was totally shocking tome was that these kids were
already by that age, I mean, some of them must have been 5678
(05:39):
were so embarrassed when their parents tried to tell them about
sex. So that is the message we're
taught like sex is something embarrassing, but guess what?
Somebody, for the most part not.I mean, now we can have babies
different ways, but most of you came onto this earth because of
sex. So we need to change that
narrative to start when kids areyoung.
Is that modern society? Is that human society?
(06:01):
Like, yeah, what? Like everyone giggles.
Every sitcom is like, oh, parents talk about sex or
grandparents, God forbid they talk about sex.
Yeah, it's just horrible shameful thing.
Or maybe it's not shameful. It's just, yeah, what?
What is our what? What is it about our
uncomfortability with it as a subject?
I would, you know, I have not done any research into the
history of sex, but the bit thatI know I like back in Roman and
(06:24):
Greek times, sex was just, you know, they had wild orgies and
parties and men, oh, man, man, awoman, like it didn't matter.
It was just part of the culture.And I think as I understand it,
as the Catholic Church became more and more involved or as the
church in general became more and more involved in creating
culture somewhere they, it's suggested in the Bible, I guess,
(06:46):
that it's supposed to be betweena man and a woman.
And it's only for the purposes of I haven't studied religion,
so I don't want to claim something I don't know, but for
the purposes of, of making babies of procreating.
So that's, that's what culture and society tells us.
That's what we what we learn. And what's been also kind of
fascinating for me, and I noticed it a little more lately,
is I've been doing this work now, I'm actually coming up on
(07:07):
my 2 year anniversary for my podcast this week.
And I have really gotten to knowthis very sex positive community
that is very welcoming. And they, they range in, in what
their practices are, how they identify, what they talk about.
And I forget that when I get back to most people that they
don't, they're like, whoa, what are you talking about, Karen?
(07:28):
Like, calm down about that. Like, let's just just to say
down there instead of vagina, let's not call it a penis, let's
call it, you know, a Dick or whatever.
So it it really is something that that we we can learn to
embrace, but we don't. Now so many men at at all ages
tie their sense of identity to sexual performance and virility.
(07:52):
How do you help men redefine that as they age?
It's interesting because we, we talk a lot about how sex changes
for women as they go through menopause.
And I think the reason we, we identify it so much is that it's
this sort of dramatic change. What happens with men is it's a
much more gradual change, although statistically 40% of
(08:14):
men in their 40s will have ED-50in their 50s, etcetera.
So performance will change. And I, I interviewed this sex
educator a couple of weeks ago and she was talking about how
men are taught to, to show themselves as men to, to man up,
to become masculine, to show up in a masculine way where women
are just women. We're, I mean, we have our other
(08:35):
challenges, but nobody looks at us and says you need to woman
up. So men are identified with this
like sex and men has to do with penis and vagina and
ejaculating. So if there's any issue that
affects that, then automaticallyit means there's something wrong
with me. I'm not a man anymore.
And if you ask a bunch of men ina room who are in their 50s and
(08:57):
60s, and I will say from the experiences I've had dating,
I've been single for four years now and I'm 62 and I've dated
men from 54 to like 65 maybe. And for the ones that I've
gotten intimate with, every single one of them has had
performance issues. Every single one from one form
or another, whether it was they needed Viagra or Cialis, whether
(09:18):
it was that they had shame, somesort of sexual shame from from
growing up in religious backgrounds, or they just were
intimidated because they hadn't had sex in a long time.
It's it's happening to, to all to many men.
So why not just say, OK, like women are dealing with it.
(09:38):
We're learning how to navigate sex differently as we age.
Men should be just as comfortable doing that.
And that I might guess an unusual person in that way where
I'm like, hey, it's OK, look, you're having a problem.
Let's work with it. You know, like this is what it
is. But I would say that that many
men feel like, you know, I'm, I'm not pleasing her like this
is like I'm a failure if I can'tget it up or, or if you know
(10:01):
something, I can't ejaculate or whatever the issue is.
So there's more to sex than intercourse and ejaculation.
As a matter of fact, there is. So I I think that's, that's like
the first, I would say one of the first big pieces.
I mean, you want to check with your doctor is there erectile
dysfunction is one of the can bean indicator of cardiovascular
(10:25):
issues because the veins to or the arteries rather to the penis
are the smallest in the body. So if you are having erectile
dysfunction like thing one is you want to make sure that
there's nothing wrong that you don't have any medical issues.
And if you do, then of course you want to address those.
But the next thing is to start to look at sex in a bigger
picture as pleasure as opposed to just intercourse, and try to
(10:45):
define it as something that is an intimate experience between
you and your partner. That does not always have to
include intercourse, because there are a lot of ways to have
fun and to pleasure each other that doesn't involve sticking a
penis in a vagina. So you mentioned that men go
through changes as well as the age.
(11:06):
So is there a kind of male version of menopause?
That their testosterone does decrease, it's just at a slower
level. So I would say that that would
be about the equivalent dealing with issues.
An erectile dysfunction is not just an ability to have an
orgasm, it's also an ability to to ejaculate.
It's also, I would call there's something called Peroni's
(11:29):
disease, which is a curvature ofthe penis that can happen
sometimes during rough sex, a man will get a fracture in the
penis and of course many are embarrassed to ever deal with
it. And over time what happens is
there, I guess the calcifications form or something
and the penis starts to curve and that can be extremely
painful both for the, for the penis owner and for the for the
vulva owner. So those are things that can
(11:49):
that can happen. We mentioned intimacy and
emotional intimacy. Does that become more important
as as couples age? I think it's important,
regardless of where you are, I think that, you know, again,
back to that we need a man up. We're not allowed to show our
emotions. That to me, the sexiest thing in
a man is that he shows vulnerability and he admits that
(12:10):
like, I don't know it all. I can.
I'm not emotionally shut down that I actually, you know, I,
I'm not looking for a man who's,you know, bubbling idiot who's
crying all the time. I mean that, you know, you
probably have more issues going on if that's the case, but I do
want to know how, how are you feeling?
What, what do you think? How, how, if it comes when it
comes to sex? Like let's talk about what, what
(12:31):
do you like how, you know, what are the things that turn you on?
What are the things, you know, asking me?
What are the things that turn meon?
How can we navigate? I mean, I have like back issues
and like, I don't bend the way Iused to look.
How can we work through this andbeing comfortable and, and, and
knowing that, like when you showno vulnerability, when you ask,
when you show that you really care, like that is going to make
(12:52):
the sex that much better than just saying, OK, I know, I know
what to do. We get in the bedroom and we're
going to like, you know, start with the kissing, then maybe the
Laurel, and then we're going to end up in, you know, penis
vagina and then I ejaculate and it's over.
I mean that that script. Let's get rid of it.
Yeah, it's it's, it's more than just an exercise routine with a
partner. Exactly.
Exactly. So is there any special advice
(13:13):
you have for people that are or dating again after long
relationships or marriages? The first thing I would say is
deal with your shit. Like don't go from a long
relationship and then the next day get into another
relationship because you will repeat whatever the mistakes
were. You'll end up with the same
person again or you'll end up ina in a worse relationship that
(13:36):
you can't get out of. Take the time to work on
yourself, figure out like what was it that what was my role and
why this relationship broke downand what is it in this person
that I saw thought that I chose them and how do I choose
differently this time? So that is thing one thing two,
you know, I just had a conversation with a guy.
He we met on one of the apps andhe said, just letting you know,
(13:57):
I was in a 32 year marriage. I've been single for six months.
We're separated and I'm like, goget laid.
Go like go have, I mean, do it safely, make sure that you're
doing it, you know, with consentand with and, and with safety.
But go have some fun, have some sex.
If you've been in a long relationship, chances are that
at least towards the end of yourrelationship, there wasn't a lot
of sex. Go have some fun, go learn what
(14:18):
you like. Go, go teach your body how to
respond again and understand what it's like to be in a sexual
intimate relationship. And that also comes with the
working on yourself and, and, and, and feeling more confident
and, and just being aware of what, what things trigger you
and what things that you want tohave in your life that you
didn't have in the past. So and for people that in long
(14:41):
term relationships been, you know, relationships for decades,
you make it sound like they all sex Peters out for everybody.
So is is there a way to keep a healthy sex life in a long term
relationship? As long as you accept that
things change and you communicate, I mean, the number
one thing you need to do is to communicate with your partner.
And oftentimes either it's been lousy sex, which is why it
(15:05):
stopped, or there have been performance issues or pain
issues with for women. And nobody wants to talk about
it. Everybody's, you know, they're
thinking and he should know, sheshould know, you know, like they
should understand, Or it's like,we just don't need it anymore.
So I, I say like, like, if it's something that really bothers
either one or both of you, it needs to be addressed by telling
(15:25):
that person first. Like I, we used to have a great
sex life. I loved our sex life.
You know, it, it it's we're going to grow all together.
I love you. I want to spend the rest of my
life with you. How can we try to get things
back on the right track? And it might just be like, I
listened to this podcast today and this woman was talking about
it. And let's let's start by talking
about it. And sometimes it involves just
(15:46):
having a, you know, I say like alittle bite of something or
giving, giving, I call them sex snacks, like starting to do
something a little bit intimate that that you haven't done for a
long time. John Gottman, who is one of the
relationship gurus, talks about a six second kiss or a 22nd hug,
which release oxytocin. So give your partner a hug,
(16:07):
touch them on the small of theirback, do something unusual for
them. If you never brought, you know,
haven't brought them flowers in a long time or buy a sex toy and
make, you know, have have fun with with it.
Try to bring back some form of intimacy.
That doesn't mean like, let's, let's get back in the bedroom
and try to have intercourse again because we haven't done it
in 20 years. You got it.
You got to reintroduce reignite the relationship.
(16:29):
And oh, by the way, men are morevisual and tend to be able to
get it up much more easily. So if they see something sexy,
perhaps they'll like they'll be able to get it up.
But women need more novelty. We need something that's going
to like get that, get those those hormones going.
And so it takes some time to to get back to the new kind of sex
(16:50):
that you're going to be having at this point in your life.
Years ago I had AI believe a marriage counselor on the show
and he was talking about sex drives and saying that the
partner with the lowest sex drive, what will will kind of
drive the relationship sexually?And I wonder does the sex drive
(17:10):
does it can it flip between the the man or the woman who who who
who has a harder sex drive or not harder?
That's a bad word today. Who has a higher higher sex
drive and can that flip as as people age?
I don't know that it can flip, but it can change.
And I think it depends on the couple.
Like in in my case, I was the one with the higher sex drive,
(17:30):
which you, you know, one thinks it's always the man that that
has a higher sex drive. So I think it, it depends.
One has to learn if you are in arelationship that that is
monogamous and one of you wants more sex than the other, then
you need to find ways to accommodate the other person.
So if you don't want sex at all,and your partner wants sex
(17:51):
everyday, you're probably not going to be compatible.
But there might be a way where the person who doesn't want sex
can somehow find a way to get a little more intimate with the
person who wants it a lot. And then the person that wants
it a lot will have to find otherways to derive sexual pleasure,
whether it's through masturbation or watching porn or
in an agreement with their partner, finding ways outside of
(18:14):
the marriage. That's, that's whether it's
opening it up and or bringing inkink, kinky toys or what,
whatever it is. The other thing is, is with,
sometimes with the help of a of a sex therapist trying to figure
out how to re engage with each other.
And then I like, I've seen a lotof couples as they get older
start just say, OK, like, like we're, we're kind of bored with
(18:34):
each other. Let's let's, let's try something
else. Let's bring in a third.
Let's try swinging. Let's go to a sex club.
Let's go to let's, let's do something kinky.
You want to make sure you do everything in a very healthy,
you know, consensual way with a lot of communication, but it
could be a lot of fun to try to do something new.
I mean that you see these couples that like you just, you
(18:55):
just know that when they have a really good sex life, you just
you can tell. Because they're inviting you
into it. That's not my game, but I love.
I'd love to hear when people do it.
Like popular culture would tell us that the older you get, the
less sex you have, but you're kind of seeing the older you
get, the more experimental people are becoming.
I think so I, if, if it's what if you want sex to be a part of
(19:18):
your life and generally when people are talking to me that's
it's because they want more sex in their life, then yes,
absolutely. You know, I, I, I occasionally
will go to something called a munch, which is a social
gathering of people who are kinky And I, I, I don't partake
at this point in my life. I never say never because I'm
still new in this whole community.
But it's so interesting because it's, it's this group of people
(19:40):
that meet for coffee or or cocktail, whatever.
There's nothing is no play is practice.
But they talk about the different, they, they look for
other partners and get to know them and they talk about the
different ways in which they practice.
And it's just, it's a really beautiful social community.
Like everybody's just learning. And I, I mean, I learned some
very interesting things and I. Talk to some people that
(20:02):
practice things that I didn't even know existed, but like in a
million years I wouldn't touch. But it's like, well, good for
you that you found something that you enjoy at this point in
your life and that you know you can do it without anybody
judging you if you're in this community.
I wanted to ask, like, have you discovered something that you
had never even heard of before? But so so then it's like you
have multiple things. Yes, yes, I mean, one of the
(20:26):
things that seems to be popular these days is Electro play where
you they use electric shock as aform of pain, not just like
spanking. And then this one, this one, I,
I interviewed A dominatrix and Isaid, what's, you know, what are
the biggest things that people ask for?
And the first was bondage and the second was piss play.
People like to be peed on, especially especially men.
(20:49):
And like, I don't judge and I'm like, I don't understand.
To me, it feels like yucky and shit.
It's, it's a, it's a way of being degraded.
Like these men are generally in very powerful positions and they
want to be just in a place wherethey're completely degraded.
And this is a form of, of degradation.
And I'm like, hey, if that it's not necessarily sexual, but if
(21:10):
that works for you and it and you enjoy it and nobody's
getting hurt and you like it, hey, go do it.
Well, am I to tell you not to just take a shower after?
Yeah, that's a that's a level ofemotional intimacy I I would not
consider either. So, but yeah, good.
Like you know how I make common grounds with any guests or
(21:31):
anything that don't believe in like is, is the goal to have
more fun in life? Is the goal to have a good life
then then great. If that's what it's doing for
you. Super.
Exactly. Exactly.
So it sounds like you're saying that people come to you the
most. The reason most people come to
you is they want more sex and they're trying to figure out
what changes have to happen for.That or they're more more likely
(21:51):
there's they're re entering the dating world and they're like,
how do I navigate these challenges?
Whether it's a woman who's dealing with the menopause
issues or it's a man who's dealing who's just afraid, Like
how do I get back out there withconfidence?
That's typically who when someone's going to want to talk
to me. I don't do any hands on sex
coaching. I mean, I have plenty of people
in my network that that do that kind of work, but I might direct
(22:13):
somebody to someone or just try to talk through like what really
is the issue here? Is there a physical issue?
Is there an emotional issue? Is there a relationship?
You know, do you need to like learn how to re engage with
women again or with men again? So that may be some of it.
And with the men that you see, is it more common, a physical
issue, a mindset issue? Like, is there something that's
(22:35):
most common for you? I think they're related.
When a man has a performance issue at any point, it becomes a
psychological issue or an emotional issue.
I have a partner that I, that I play with whatever you want to
like a lover, whatever you want to call him.
And like, in the beginning things were great and, and I
(22:57):
don't see him that often. But now when I see him, I know
there's like, there's some guiltthat's going on with him, with
some other things going on in his life and it affects us in
the bedroom. And it's like now every time he
has that in his head, like I didn't perform last time, so am
I going to be able to perform this time?
And so we have to kind of talk it through like what is going on
here that's causing you to have these issues?
Because we've had an amazing time together.
(23:19):
And now it's of course it's going to change over time
because you know, when a partnerthat you've had for a while, but
there's definitely some emotional issues that are, that
are affecting how he is. And so we, you have to just talk
about them, you have to deal with them.
And, and I may not be the personqualified to help you get
through something that's much more deep, deep seated issue
around sex, but I may help you identify and say, OK, like maybe
(23:43):
it's time for you to go seek more help.
Or maybe it's just like, hey, I had one guy asked me like, how's
my, like, I, I, I don't, I know this is a stupid question, but
how's my size? After I had already told him,
like, you're good, you know, we're, we're a good fit.
And I explained to him that sizeis very personal because every
woman, if you're talking about amale female, every woman's
(24:04):
vaginal canal is a different depth.
Every woman derives pleasure differently.
Most women need clitoral stimulation and and penetrative
sex is not going to do it for them.
So your size, maybe one woman likes a really wide girth, but
could care less about the lengthbecause they have a short
vaginal clinical. Maybe another woman has had five
children and they want a really girthy long penis.
(24:27):
Like everybody's different. So your, your penis size is is
it's more. I want to know that you
understand and you're asking me and you're trying to to create a
pleasurable intimate experience for us.
I don't care if you're this big or that well, if you're that
big, you won't fit. But we'll have to find other
ways to have to have sex. I mean, that's really what it
comes down to. It's just being open minded and
(24:49):
being in tune with your partner.You enjoy dating in your 60s
because you're making it sound like you're working all the
time. I love it.
I'm one of these crazy people that actually loves the dating
apps because I've met so many different people and every
experience has been different. There's definitely some
frustration that like everybody has.
(25:10):
But I look at it as like a way to meet people I never would
have met in my life before. And so I, you know, I have had
more sexual partners than I've ever had before in the last few
years. I'm very conscious of being
safe. So it's.
Yeah, that's been fun. Does that mean I want to like,
personally, I'm not looking to be in open for the rest of my
(25:31):
life. I very much like to find a
single partner and be in some sort of, whether it's entirely
monogamous or not, but committedrelationship.
But yeah, I, I love it. I love meeting people.
I love learning. I love, I love talking to men
who I mean, I prefer them to be emotionally where having done
their work. But when I meet them then and
they're, they're, they're on their own journey.
(25:52):
Like often we become friends andit just becomes like a kind of a
coaching relationship. If if open conversations about
sex between all people was more common, that would affect men's
mental health and relationships overall, I think the world would
be a. Much better place we wouldn't we
wouldn't have the power grab because like everyone would be
(26:14):
blowing with oxytocin and happy hormones and walking around in a
good mood. So, yeah, I think it's it would
be a really great thing. And I and I think that that
midlife is really an opportunityto change the narrative that you
had. It's an opportunity to try new
things. Like nobody's, I mean, and if
they are judging you, like, who cares?
(26:35):
Like you've got this much, you've lived half your life in a
certain way. Like why not now open it up and
live it in a in a different way?It's your life to choose.
It's your sex to choose. Aaron is there.
One thing that you wish more menknew, there's nothing wrong
with. Asking and saying that you don't
know if you know if I had one guy like wants wanted to learn
(26:59):
like tell me I want you to be myteacher.
Like be open to to learning because the definition of sex
that you learned as a heterosexual man and the script
that we had doesn't have to be the same.
And if you really want to pleasure a woman and really have
a good relationship, that's the best way to do it.
Tell me about your. Podcast, my podcast.
(27:20):
Is taboo to truth life and sex after 50.
So we've talked about many of the topics I address.
I address. I talk about my challenges that
I've had. I have my first season was a lot
about female sexual health issues.
I address male sexual health issues as well.
I interview sex therapists, fetish coaches, dominatrixes,
doctors. I'm trying to think of who
(27:41):
people who run sex clubs like I I go the gamut because I want
people to know that like a lot of times I don't get necessarily
like people will tell me like I love your podcast, but I won't I
won't like it because I don't want anyone to know.
But people. It's like the information that
you really want to know, but youdon't want to tell anyone that
you're listening to like that's you'll find it on my podcast,
(28:03):
You're the Secret. Listen, the secret.
Yes, yes. The taboo, Yeah.
Oh, properly. Titled then yes, yes, yes.
So Karen, what's the best? Way for people to connect with
you. Learn more about all you offer
so by my website. Is taboo to truth.com my podcast
taboo to truth and then all my socials same thing.
TikTok, Instagram and then YouTube is probably the best
(28:25):
place to watch my podcast if you're interested in the visual
and. What do you see for the future
of of sex relationship? Do you think we're getting more
open? Are we headed to being more
closed off and isolated? What what's your vibe?
Sadly, I. Think this country's going in
the other direction. They're putting more and more
restrictions on content. You now we're going to have to
(28:46):
put 18 and over checks on our websites if you have any kind of
explicit content. I mean, at least in in North
America, I think we're going backwards.
Like I said, when I'm in this community of that is so
welcoming and open. It feels like we're expanding,
but I unfortunately, I really think we're contracting.
Yeah, I, I. That's what I see too, and
that's why I wanted to ask and maybe had a different you're
(29:09):
seeing, you're certainly seeing people that I'm not.
But so it's interesting that there's more things kind of out
there and people are some peopleare more experimenting, but
overall, like, yeah, there's kind of a lid coming down.
Yeah, I mean, I do. Hear that swinging is much more
common in people in in midlife. So maybe maybe people are
getting more experimental, but being secretive, more secretive
(29:31):
about it. But I do think it's getting
harder to show people what's outthere, especially, especially
interestingly for female creators, they the censors are
censorship is much higher. So you guys get it out, get the
information out there. Awesome.
Karen, thanks so much for your time today and I really
appreciate and value you for kind of taking your own
(29:55):
discomfort and and sharing with the world and and letting your
journey be a gateway for other people to embark on their
journeys. And I think that's just it's,
it's so needed. Thank you so much.
Thanks for. Having me, Andy, great to see
you, That was Karen Bigman reminding.
Us that sex and intimacy don't have an expiration date.
Aging can bring new challenges, but also deeper connection and
(30:15):
fresh possibilities. If today's conversation spoke to
you, I invite you to keep exploring with us inside the
authentic AF community. It's a free space for men to
connect and support each other in living fully.
Join us at realmenfeel.org/groupand until next time, be good to
yourself.
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