June 27, 2024 • 37 mins
In this episode of Real Men Hug, Ben and Jim tackle the rollercoaster ride of gracefully aging—or at least trying to. They candidly share their recent experiences, from Ben's frightening heart scare that landed him in the hospital with AFib to the excitement and stress of buying and moving into a new home. The hosts delve into the emotional and physical challenges of turning 40, discussing the importance of intentional self-care and the surprising impact of stress on their health. Amidst the chaos, they find moments of joy, such as hammock chats with a daughter and the simple pleasure of a heated car seat. Join them as they explore how aging brings both challenges and unexpected joys, proving that the good and the bad can coexist beautifully. This episode is a heartfelt and humorous look at the ups and downs of midlife, filled with relatable stories, banter, and practical insights on navigating the journey.
And hey, if you love what you hear, consider supporting the show at buymeacoffee.com/realmenhug. Your contributions keep us going and help us bring you more episodes filled with laughter, insights, and relatable stories. Join us in growing and strengthening our community of real men who aren't afraid to hug it out. Thank you for being a vital part of our journey!
And hey, if you love what you hear, consider supporting the show at buymeacoffee.com/realmenhug. Your contributions keep us going and help us bring you more episodes filled with laughter, insights, and relatable stories. Join us in growing and strengthening our community of real men who aren't afraid to hug it out. Thank you for being a vital part of our journey!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ben (00:02):
Welcome to Real Men Hug, a podcast for men and the women
who love them.
And a tagline that Ben had tothink really hard about what it
was.
It's been a while.
Jim (00:14):
It's not been too long though.
Ben (00:16):
Welcome to the show.
Jim (00:18):
It's funny that we, we stumbled over our words at the
beginning of the podcast as wedecided we're going to talk
about gracefully aging, right?
Ben (00:27):
Yeah.
Right.
I don't know about the gracefulpart there.
Jim (00:30):
It has been a week.
Ben (00:33):
For you too?
Jim (00:33):
For both of us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's been a.
It's been
Ben (00:35):
a.
Two weeks for me in the shorttime span of the last two weeks,
somehow I managed to have youbeat it's wild
Jim (00:44):
somehow, but there was some really cool and great stuff in
there for you too, with the newhouse that you guys are moving
into.
So that's a huge blessing.
Ben (00:54):
It is.
So we're talking about gettingold on this episode and man,
turning 40 has been hard for me.
Like.
I didn't expect it to be thisdifficult, but here I am.
Two weeks ago, I was in thehospital with a heart that was
(01:15):
beating very out of rhythm tothe point that it was also
beating extremely rapidly, whichput me in early stages of heart
failure and needing to behospitalized.
So that was two weeks ago.
And then you add into that aweek ago, we closed on our new
house.
And a few days ago, we listedour old house for sale.
(01:38):
Lots of stressful things in thelast two weeks.
And I'm feeling the 40s.
Yeah.
I hope that they get better fromhere.
But it's just been like, apretty significant blow.
It's like, welcome to your 40s.
Now your heart is gonna beat outof sync.
Have fun.
Jim (01:56):
Right?
that was so bizarre to hearbecause you had talked about how
they were saying there was areaction to some of your
medication.
And so, Hey, sometime next week,let's follow back on this.
And in reality, it was like youwere in the beginning stages of
heart failure.
Ben (02:15):
I was, I'm really trying to have some grace for my doc, but
at the same time, I'm having ahard time with that because.
I had been messaging him withsome of the things that I was
experiencing and he just waslike, you know, I think it's
probably related to some of themed changes.
Just wait it out, but give us acall if, if it doesn't get any
(02:38):
better.
Jim (02:39):
So had you had the heart issues prior to?
All of this?
Or is this kind of the firsttime this has shown up?
Ben (02:46):
Well, this specific issue is new to me.
Okay.
However, my mom and her siblingsapparently all had AFib.
So, it's genetic.
Okay.
But, it needs a trigger.
And the trigger for me wasstress.
Jim (03:03):
Yeah.
I've heard that before.
That stress can be a trigger forthings that you wouldn't think
have anything to do with it.
Yeah.
That all of a sudden,
Ben (03:14):
a lot of things just lay dormant and you never know that
they're an issue until you'restressed.
Jim (03:19):
That was scary for, for me.
For you and obviously your wifeis scary for me too.
To just kind of hear, I don'twant to bug him, but I hope
tomorrow we text and Ben's notdead.
That was a thought that crossedmy mind.
So really scary stuff.
Ben (03:34):
It really was.
My wife's best friend had a fiband I just remember Andy just
being like, Some people don'tmake it out of AFib, their
hearts just go crazy.
So just hearing that, andreplaying those conversations,
and then, I guess it's standardprocedure in the hospital to ask
(03:56):
these questions, but, I wasasked things like, If you go
unconscious and we're unable towake you up, do you want us to
continue to make efforts or doyou want us to not?
Oh yeah, all
Jim (04:10):
the do not resuscitate stuff.
Oh my goodness.
Ben (04:13):
And then one of the nurses asked me if I had a final will
or trust written up.
Jim (04:20):
Will and testament.
Yeah.
Ben (04:21):
To be asked those questions was just like, Oh, this is
serious.
Jim (04:27):
When you go in for your flu shot, they don't ask you if you
have written up your last willand Testament.
Did you just kind of let thatroll off or was that impactful
for you when they said that?
Ben (04:37):
It was pretty impactful.
It was just me and I'm thinking,wow, I've really never been
asked those questions.
I've, I've heard those asked onTV shows, but, uh, here it is in
real life.
So it was just so weird.
I genuinely thought all of thisstuff was just a reaction to
medicine and if I stopped themeds, then it'll get better, but
(05:00):
it didn't.
And then I finally saw the docand.
First thing the nurse says iswe're going to do an EKG.
So off comes the shirt and oncomes all of the little sticky
patches and wires.
And right in the doctor'soffice, they did the EKG and
sure enough, AFib with a superfast heart rate.
(05:25):
That's bizarre.
So all of that happened duringthis stressful season of Not
only buying a house, but sellinga house.
Yeah.
And then add in the stress oflife, of work, and family.
Jim (05:42):
If you pull all of the people in this room, the start
of their forties were not sogreat.
Ben (05:48):
Everybody in this room.
There are so many of us here.
It just revealed to me that Idon't Do not have the capacity
that I once did in my twentiesand thirties.
Like, Oh yeah, I genuinely needto slow myself down and I just
can't go to the level that Iused to.
Have you felt that?
Jim (06:09):
Oh yeah.
I mean, I think I shared on aprevious episode about how I got
COVID and then after beingbedridden for, A few days I went
to pull up my pajama pants andthrew out my bag and then it
happened again later and Ihadn't even been sick.
Same thing.
Just pulling up my pajama pants.
(06:29):
I apparently pulling my pants upis too much for my 40 year old
body.
So
Ben (06:35):
I hear that
Jim (06:36):
if you're not in that boat and you're like, oh my gosh,
these guys are old and you're 40and not having those problems.
Just you wait.
It's right around the corner.
No kidding.
Same.
You got to eat healthy, you gotto exercise because if you
don't, you start paying for itstarting in your thirties.
But then man, once you hitforties, my word, it's something
(06:58):
that you have to prioritizealmost anybody.
You can do something better thanwhat you're doing right now.
So
Ben (07:03):
that's the thing.
It just takes intentionality.
Jim (07:05):
Yeah.
Ben (07:06):
And I feel like in my twenties and thirties.
I didn't necessarily have to beintentional.
I somehow just got lucky.
I didn't ever have like thisroutine fitness program, but I
was in a lot better shape than Iam now.
And I think it just boils downto how I spend my, yeah,
(07:28):
precious free time and the olderI get, the more intentional I
need to be and the more justvery dutiful I have to be with
my free time.
Jim (07:39):
Sure.
You kind of had a a point theretoo though, didn't you, that you
went from pretty healthy, if notclose to athletic, all the way
to like.
Whoa, what, what did I letmyself get into?
Ben (07:53):
I was really healthy at the beginning of our marriage, Andy
and I.
Jim (07:58):
Appreciate that clarification.
When Ben and I got married, hewas much more trim.
You really let yourself go.
Ben (08:07):
Oh, Jim.
But yes, 18 years ago, I was,Really good health and then over
the course of honestly about 15years life was Super stressful.
I was not being intentionaldidn't prioritize my health
Yeah, and it just started toreally show and I ballooned up
(08:29):
to 350 360.
Yeah a lot closer to 400 than Iever Want to be right.
So yeah, and then I've beenworking on getting below 300.
I hit that about a year ago andnow I'm kind of back up so it's
like this yo yo.
Jim (08:48):
Yeah.
Ben (08:50):
I'm certainly Motivated now to get back under 300,
especially with all of thelatest health stuff.
Now, it wasn't my weight thatcaused the issues, but at the
same time, the extra weight thatI carry is making recovery more
difficult.
Yeah.
It's harder on your heart forsure.
Oh yeah.
Jim (09:10):
Yeah.
Ben (09:11):
It can be really easy to look at aging and turning 40 and
just have this negativeperspective of it all.
Sure.
I'm curious about you.
What has been some positivethings?
Yeah.
Growth areas that you've seen inyour life since turning 40?
Jim (09:30):
Good question.
It has been a rough journey forme.
You know, that's, that's been abig part of what I really have
been trying to focus on morelately is gratitude and being
positive.
And in spite of some of thetough 10 years, seeing, wow,
these are some things thatreally have gone well.
(09:53):
Comparison is the thief of joy,right?
For me, I felt like I was kindof behind some of my peers.
I was just thinking about thisthe other day where I'm like,
man, I didn't even get a houseuntil I was 35.
I wish that I could have beenable to do that.
Prior to that.
Well, then I looked it up.
(10:13):
The average age of a first timehome buyer is 36.
Ben (10:18):
You beat it.
Jim (10:19):
So I was like, I actually got a house three quarters of a
year earlier than the nationalaverage.
How bizarre is it that in myhead?
I got my house like maybe six orseven years later than everybody
else.
Nope.
So that would be number onething that, that we're able to
now have our own house and ourown space.
(10:41):
The kids have their own bedroom.
I mean, when I grew up, I was,it was a bigger family, but I
shared a room with my brother,which there was some positives
to that, but
Ben (10:49):
sure.
All the way until 18 or when youmoved out.
Jim (10:53):
All the way.
Yeah.
So we shared a room that wholetime.
Having our own house has been sonice.
And then from a stage of lifestandpoint, my kids are just
getting to that age now whereyou can leave them by themselves
for an hour or something or
Ben (11:10):
go run an errand and you don't have to bring them with
you.
Jim (11:13):
Exactly.
It's been really cool to see mykids grow up and develop into
their personalities.
It's neat that I have put somuch time and energy and focus
in like my family comes first tosee that.
So whole right now, I'm, I'mdesperately in love with my
wife.
(11:33):
We've got a rock solid marriage,my, my kids.
They're kids, they're, you know,they don't do what you ask
sometimes and they'redisrespectful sometimes, but
like, we just had like a funadult conversation.
Even with a nine year old and a12 year old in the living room
yesterday.
And actually my nine year oldsaid something like, sometimes
(11:56):
you guys talk over me, is therelike a way that we can get it so
that you know, that I'm tryingto say something because he, and
he didn't say it.
Mean or even upset.
It was just like
Ben (12:10):
genuine curiosity.
Jim (12:11):
Exactly.
And that's something that I'vetaught them that the emotional
maturity and speaking your needsand addressing issues when
they're small, instead ofwaiting to get upset about
something.
And so it's been cool to seethings that you have modeled and
taught reflected in how they actand speak.
(12:34):
That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
So, so that's been.
Such a huge blessing.
Honestly, my wife and I werejust sort of like smiling at
each other after thisconversation because the weight
of everything else that's beengoing on, it just was this
moment of like, this is how weare truly blessed to have this
(12:58):
moment and to have a goodrelationship with our kids and a
good relationship in ourmarriage.
I honestly would trade that for.
Any amount of money in a career.
I truly would.
I would take this that Icomplain about in a heartbeat.
Ben (13:16):
I hear that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jim (13:18):
What about you?
Ben (13:20):
Well, for all of the things that I have to complain about,
or All of the struggles, thethings that are difficult.
I'm also aware of the fact thatI have a lot in my life to be
grateful for.
I have two kids who are cominginto their own and are free
(13:42):
thinkers.
And my daughter lately justcan't get enough time with her
dad.
I absolutely love it.
I was in the hammock the othernight at the new house.
Yes, setting up the hammock wasone of the first things I did at
our new place.
There's a hill in the backyardwith two trees that are perfect
(14:04):
distance from each other to hanga hammock.
So I set it up and I love it.
I was having a rough night.
I told my wife that I justneeded some alone time.
And she said, that's fine, butcan you help me?
unload this last bit from theold house.
So I did.
And then I promptly went to thebackyard.
(14:27):
Not 10 minutes later, mydaughter comes out and she just
plops herself down in thehammock.
It's kind of dramatic becauseshe's not always super graceful.
Uh, so next thing I know, She'sgot to be pushing six foot.
I mean, she's not short andshe's now flouncing trying to
(14:47):
get into the hammock next to meand Giggling and it's like how
can I be having to?
A difficult time when I've gotthis joyful daughter laying next
to me, who just wants nothingmore than to hang out with dad
in the backyard at the newhouse.
We're looking out and from thehammock we had a perfect view of
the moon.
There were fireflies in thebackyard.
(15:10):
And I just had this moment of,holy cow, I am I am blessed.
Like, wow, this is awesome.
I have a daughter who wants tohang out with me.
She asked me about chat GPT.
So, of course, I was excited totell her all about it.
We nerded out using the AI voicetool, asking silly questions.
(15:35):
And it was a blast.
And then I think about theopportunity I have to pursue
kind of a passion project thatI've been interested in for
years.
And pursuing certification as aspiritual director.
The fact that that's even on thetable and is something that we
have the time and money topursue.
(15:57):
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we're doing okay here.
My wife is launching out intoher next phase of her career.
So we're both kind of in likethis mid career path and it's
great.
That's what I have to keepreminding myself of.
It's so easy to.
(16:18):
look at all of the things thatare going wrong.
And there certainly is noshortage.
I mean, the older I get, thelonger that list becomes.
However, if I'm honest, theolder I get, the longer the
other list becomes to the listof things that are good and that
are life giving
Jim (16:38):
for sure.
Ben (16:39):
And I think what's so irritating and frustrating about
the other list, the list ofthings that go wrong.
When things go wrong, I.
I almost fear that somehow thegood stuff just won't be
accessible anymore, but that'snot true.
If life has taught me anything,it's that you can always start
(17:01):
over.
Yeah.
Like there's always a freshstart and just because I had a
rough day or just because Ispent time in the hospital
doesn't mean that all of asudden now I can't do anything
for the rest of my life.
Yeah.
I'm going to go for bike ridesagain and hang out with my
daughter and All those thingsdidn't end just because I had a
(17:24):
crazy thing with my heart.
So that's what it's been likefor me.
Just a perspective shift.
Not everything is as bad as itfeels in the moment.
Jim (17:35):
I think that's a great.
The thought process, if you'retoo fatalistic about something,
it becomes a self fulfillingprophecy where, well, I'm just
never going to be able to dothat again.
You just have to accept thatthis isn't necessarily forever.
Even when you do have to give upsomething that you used to
(17:56):
really enjoy, allowing that tojust be okay and just adapt and
find something else rather thanbeing.
Angry at God or the world oryour situation or why does this
keep having to happen to me?
I've had those moments Tuesdaynight.
I Cried good big cry for thefirst time in a long time I just
(18:20):
couldn't I couldn't help itbecause it was just really
discouraging, but I actuallyended up laughing with it about
my kids later.
I actually started out the day.
Great.
I fixed the garage door and Iwas able to back out without
getting out of my car andhitting the code in and, and I
fixed it myself when a bunch oftechnicians couldn't figure out
(18:42):
what was going on with it.
So there was also like a senseof satisfaction of, yeah, it's
going to be a great day.
And then all of a sudden, whack,no, you are not allowed to have
a good day.
And we all actually, fordifferent reasons had had bad
days.
Like my, my kid got a reallynasty burn and my wife threw out
her back and a bunch of otherstuff happened.
(19:02):
So it was just like a terribleday for everybody.
And it was, and you can wallowin it.
And I think it's okay to be sad,but turning around and being
like, you know what, I'm notgoing to let one more tragedy in
my life happen.
Ruin right good things that I dohave and just trying to have a
Positive mentality, honestly,that's something that I look up
(19:23):
to you in a lot of ways that Ifeel like you're really good at
staying positive and I feel likeyou're so much better than I am
at self care.
I need to take a break and stepaway and do something for myself
so that I don't mentally break.
Ben (19:44):
Yeah.
Well, that's only because I havementally and physically broken
down, so I know that if I don'tdo this, I am not gonna be in a
good spot.
It's funny to hear you say thatbecause I feel like I hate how
many breaks I've had to take.
While we have been moving sure Imiss the days of just being able
(20:06):
to take Load after load tripafter trip down the stairs put
it in the truck go back up getthe next I had a higher help
this time we have a junk haulerguy that took our old pool away
when it was busted and Andy waslike, well, why don't you call
that dude that took our pool?
Maybe he'll help you with thebasement So I was like not a bad
(20:28):
idea.
Jim (20:29):
Yeah,
Ben (20:29):
so I messaged him and he's like, oh, yeah, I'd love to help
with that So he came out but itwas such a weird thing to sit in
the garage and watch somebody dothe work that I would have been
doing if my body and heart wouldhave let me.
So it's very humbling.
I don't like being the breaktaker.
Jim (20:51):
Sure.
Ben (20:51):
But at the same time, it sounds so dire, but I'm still
alive and, you know.
Um, that's partially due to thefact that I have to take care of
myself.
So
Jim (21:03):
you kind of hit on limitations is something when
you're younger, you kind of doanything and you don't think
about the repercussions, butthere are an awful lot of people
like one of my really goodfriends had that mentality and
he threw out his back as a 20something Oh wow.
And he can't do things.
And as in pain, as a result ofit, there are some things that I
(21:25):
would rather just have somebodyelse do.
You might think you're fine.
And then all of a sudden you'renot exactly, you're not coming
back from it.
When you're in your twenties,you can throw out your back and.
Ben (21:37):
Put an ice pack on it.
You might be okay when you're a
Jim (21:40):
teenager, you will almost guaranteed be okay.
I think when you turn 45,there's literally like a song
about not snow shoveling after45 because your risk of heart
attack.
Goes way up at what point do younow, sometimes you just can't
(22:00):
afford it.
And that's why people who don'thave a side income die younger
than people who do.
But if you can afford to havesomebody plow your driveway or
to buy the snowblower, once hehit 45,
Ben (22:13):
yeah.
Jim (22:14):
I say do it and it doesn't make you less of a man.
It makes you less likely to die,right?
And while you may have learnedtrial by fire, I think, like you
said, sometimes you just have torecognize that you have mental
limitations and you need to takebreaks for your sanity and you
need to find things that youenjoy.
Ben (22:35):
Definitely.
Like swinging in the hammockwith your daughter.
It's pretty great.
Yeah.
So one thing that we touched onbriefly was this concept of the
good coexisting with the bad andhow just because something bad
happens doesn't necessarily meanthat.
good is not possible anymore.
(22:57):
It reminded me of something thatmy therapist has shared with me
often.
I have this tendency to try toeliminate things that are
negative, whether that's anxietyor the nervous jitters that
sometimes I get when I speak.
Like I speak of those things,those hindrances as things that
I just want to get rid of.
(23:18):
On several occasions, mytherapist has said, well, that's
just.
being human.
When you are a human, you havelimitations.
You have experiences that aren'tpositive.
And it was just a good reminderthat Sometimes in our pursuit of
(23:38):
happiness or our pursuit of, uh,comfortable life, we somehow get
this mindset that we need toeliminate all of the things that
are difficult or painful.
And that's just not a realisticway to live.
So, I've just been really alsofocusing on not losing sight of
(23:59):
the fact that good and badcoexist.
And that it's okay.
And I don't need to completelyrid myself of anxiety because
honestly, that quest justcreates more anxiety.
The more I focus on getting ridof it, the more present it
(24:20):
becomes.
So I've just been really tryingto approach life in my forties
with that mindset of howwonderful is it that I get to
experience the full spectrum ofwhat it means to be human, good,
bad, and ugly.
That's a thought that helps pullme through those difficult times
yeah, I was in the hospital andsure that sucked but i'm also in
(24:43):
a new house and it's awesome andwe went and shopped for
furniture today and We're in aposition where our budget is
very different and it's justlike Oh yeah, life's pretty
good.
Aging is certainly difficult,but it's also kind of exciting.
(25:04):
I think there's some excitementin my forties that I'm looking
forward to.
Jim (25:10):
I hear you there.
I, I hope that my forties aregood, but man, has it been a,
has it been a rough go?
So the forties are when thingsare starting to come out where
it's like, I've beenresponsible.
I've been good with what I'vedone now.
Maybe we can, you know, Get thatboat that we've wanted to get,
or we can finally afford to geta house when we've been renting.
(25:32):
Sure.
You're starting to have some ofthat more freedom or your kids
are growing up where you can goon a vacation.
I think that's, that isexciting.
There is that freedom and thisis awesome that I, that I can do
some of these things.
And I love what you said aboutaccepting the good with the bad,
because it's easy to get stuckthere, especially if a lot of
(25:55):
bad stuff has happened, but.
Having the mental maturity tosay like, yep, this is a bad
thing, but that's okay.
Life isn't always perfect andI'm not going to dwell in this
space.
And that's, that's pretty neat.
In fact, and I'm curious howthis has impacted you, but
you'll hear those stories wheresomebody got into like a near
(26:16):
fatal car accident or they had acancer diagnosis and then they
overcame it.
Or sometimes even that theydidn't.
It where actually they're lesshealthy than before, but you've
had CEOs of fortune 500companies be like this illness
or car accident or whateversaved my life.
Yeah.
Because it forced me to slowdown.
(26:37):
It forced me to take scope ofwhat's really important to me.
I know a lot of the stuff that'shappened with me.
That's been the case where it'sso bad that you're like, okay,
wait a minute.
Like.
What's really important.
I mean, you were starting to gointo heart failure.
Has that suddenly made yourethink where your priorities
(26:57):
are and how you view life?
Ben (27:02):
That's a really good question.
I, I don't think I've had anymajor moments of Oh my gosh, I
need to completely change howI'm doing life.
If anything, I'll go back tointentionality.
It just really revealed to methat.
Okay, all these things that I'vebeen talking about with my
doctor over the last few years,all the warnings I've read or
(27:27):
stories I've heard from people,like that's actually real.
So it's just more of a realitycheck, not necessarily a
priority check.
Almost a very humbling moment ofjust realizing I am limited.
I do need to Take care of myselfin ways that perhaps I haven't
(27:49):
been.
It's just been kind of arefresher of Okay.
Yeah, there's limitations here.
I need to take them seriouslyand I need to do different Yeah,
but as far as like prioritiesPeace I didn't have a moment
where I was like, Oh man, Ireally need to be more present
for my kids.
No, I've been doing that.
(28:09):
But if I'm going to keep doingthat stuff, uh, that was the
reality check for me.
Jim (28:15):
Got to stick around for the grandkids.
Ben (28:16):
Yeah.
And there's a lot of things Ineed to do to be able to do
that.
And that's just how it is.
Jim (28:23):
I think the other interesting thing about being 40
for me has been observing for alot of us.
All of your grandparents aregone, or maybe like one of them
is still around.
And now you've got parents whohave varying stages where you're
now starting to get to that agewhere I'm a generation closer
(28:46):
from being that person.
You know, my, my dad now is 72,73, I think somewhere around
there.
And he is very active andhealthy and with it, you know,
that's awesome.
But.
Once you get to that age, youcan go from perfectly healthy to
not here anymore.
(29:06):
It's this weird.
Peer into mortality that you dostart asking yourself those
questions.
When I look at my future, Ithink there's a lot of things on
my bucket list that justprobably will never happen.
Again, from a worldwidestandpoint, most people don't
ever get to do those things.
Yeah.
Instead of focusing on what youcan't do that other people can
(29:29):
in the entire world.
You think like, how awesome isit that I can bike to the ice
cream shop with my kid?
That is pretty
Ben (29:38):
great.
And
Jim (29:39):
sit down and enjoy a waffle cone.
What a huge blessing.
When you allow that to beenough, you can be really happy.
Ben (29:50):
That's a really good point.
I want to redefine what enoughmeans.
Jim (29:56):
I love that.
Ben (29:57):
And just scale back a little bit and savor the moments
and, and let moments like beingin a hammock with my daughter,
looking at the moon and watchingfireflies, that's enough.
Jim (30:12):
That's enough.
Ben (30:13):
That's Riding bikes to get ice cream with your kids.
That's enough.
Jim (30:17):
Yeah,
Ben (30:17):
I think sometimes We just need to redefine enough
Jim (30:23):
for sure you do.
Absolutely If you're in a trulydark place, we're not trying to
minimize that, that pain.
And it's okay to be sad.
And man, if you've listened to asingle episode of this show, you
know, that like we, we supportbeing in touch with your, your
feelings and acknowledging it.
(30:43):
I love that sort of redefiningyou're enough and really
anybody.
For the most part in thiscountry, like if you have
housing and food on your table,like you can find things that
are a blessing in your life andfocus on what makes you happy
rather than things that are outof your control.
Yeah, that's awesome.
(31:06):
Aging is hard, but there's a lotof good stuff that comes with it
too.
Ben (31:10):
There is.
Sometimes you just have to pullback the layer of the difficult
things to see, Oh, there'sactually a lot of good here too.
It's all just part of life.
Jim (31:22):
Yeah.
And it's a trade off.
Cause I think when you're like akid, you're like, man, I can't
wait until I get a cell phone.
Not us.
Because we're old, but back thenyou didn't have cell phones, but
there's always that thing thatyou're looking forward to, or I
can finally drink, or I canfinally drive my own car or, Oh,
it'll be so nice to get agirlfriend or get a house or
(31:42):
whatever.
There's always that thing thatyou're looking forward to, which
is the blessing of gettingolder.
But the older you get, then it'slike, now I can do all the
things.
And how much time do I haveleft?
And how long is this body goingto hold out?
Both sides have theirlimitations, but also their
(32:03):
blessings when you're young andwhen you're old.
So what are those blessings?
Alright, I gotta ask, I'mcurious, what, what's something
that, just you probably, youngeryou would have thought was
bizarre, and now, like, youcan't live without, or, you're
like, this is just my life now.
Ben (32:21):
So, back, probably 15 years ago, I bought a Volvo station
wagon, and I loved that car.
But one thing that it had that Ijust hated and could not
understand was, Seat warmers.
I was like, that is so awkward.
Why would you want your butt tobe hot in the car?
Like, that is, uh, no thanks.
(32:44):
I'll pass.
And in fact, I was a youthpastor at the time, and I always
pranked my youth group kids byturning the seat warmer on on
the passenger seat.
And they would have a similarreaction of, who even does that?
Who uses a seat warmer that's sogood?
Awkward and weird.
Well, that was one of thefeatures that I was looking for
(33:06):
in my latest vehicle purchasewas a seat heater because it
gets darn cold in Michigan andit is kind of nice to have a
heated seat to warm you up andmy steering wheel is even
heated.
Oh my word.
And yeah, 15 years ago Icouldn't understand it and
wanted nothing to do with it.
(33:26):
Now.
It's a pretty great feature.
Yeah.
So that's mine.
Jim (33:34):
I'm trying to think of something that before I wouldn't
have done.
And now maybe I think somethingthat I would have surprised
myself with is some of the likelawn care and yard work now,
especially when it comes to likethe critters, I hate moles and
(33:54):
gophers and.
Now this year, deer last yearand this year, they keep eating
my stinking cherry trees.
And I realized how old that Isound.
Cause I, I just want to be ableto go into my backyard in five
or six years and be able to pickmy cherry trees.
They're screwing everything up.
(34:14):
I finally get rid of the molesand then the deer show up.
So that's, that's my old manthing is I, I want to kill all
the critters that step foot ontomy property, except for the
birds.
I like the birds.
The birds are nice.
Which is now everyone's laughingbecause, Oh yeah, birds get out
the binoculars and watch thebirds from my back porch.
(34:37):
My beloved cockapoo Keanu ruffs.
He is always welcome in thishouse, even though he does
sometimes eat our strawberries.
I'm okay with that.
Ben (34:46):
Yeah, that's pretty.
Minor
Jim (34:48):
the rest of them.
They can go just
Ben (34:50):
go.
Jim (34:51):
I'm a grumpy old man, and I don't want you on my property
Nice there you go To be honestBen and I both are here like
just dragging our feet It's avery through like here Ben Ben
is trying to recover from hisEverything that happened with
(35:14):
his heart.
And I had such a stressful weekthat I haven't been sleeping
well.
So we just wanted to do a littlebit of a lighthearted and tongue
and cheek episode about how weboth just feel old today.
So we hope that you enjoyedreminiscing with Ben and I, and
we would love to hear too, fromyou guys, what are some things
that you didn't expect to happenwhen you were old?
(35:36):
What are some things that havesurprised you?
Maybe some of your.
tragedies, some of yoursuccesses.
How has age impacted you andyour space in life?
Ben (35:48):
We'd love to hear from you.
So reach out on Facebook or anyof the other social media pages
or drop us a line at show.
I don't even know what it is.
Hello?
We have an email address, but Idon't know what it
Jim (36:02):
is.
Show at real men, hug.
com podcast backslash show.
Ben (36:09):
See, I'm old.
I can't even remember our emailaddress.
So maybe just go to our Facebookpage because for sure, Jim and I
will see it then, but yes, we'dlove to hear your feedback.
Thanks so much for being a partof the show.
Jim (36:22):
Tell a friend
Ben (36:24):
tell everybody hmm real men hug and they also hate deer
Jim (36:30):
real men do hate deer No, see I care about deer.
I I just don't want them on myproperty.
Ben (36:37):
You can get a hunting license and shoot them.
Jim (36:39):
I cannot.
That would be illegal because Ilive on a third of an acre.
True.
There is that though.
My neighbor, before he passedaway, actually did shoot a
groundhog from his back porch,but the kiddie corner neighbor
is a cop.
And he was like, yeah, don't dothat again.
So ever since they put in thatdevelopment, man, there, Oh,
(37:01):
yeah.
Used to be woods and that'swhere they lived and now they're
eating my stinking trees.
That's my old man thought forthe end of the podcast.
Ben (37:10):
Stay off my lawn.
Stay off my lawn.
Nice.
All right.
Well, see you next time.
Jim (37:17):
See you next time.
Ben (37:23):
I
Jim (37:23):
forgot to hit record.
Ben (37:25):
No you didn't.
Welcome to Real Men Hug, a podcast for men and the women
who love them.
And a tagline that Ben had tothink really hard about what it
was.
It's been a while.
Jim (00:14):
It's not been too long though.
Ben (00:16):
Welcome to the show.
Jim (00:18):
It's funny that we, we stumbled over our words at the
beginning of the podcast as wedecided we're going to talk
about gracefully aging, right?
Ben (00:27):
Yeah.
Right.
I don't know about the gracefulpart there.
Jim (00:30):
It has been a week.
Ben (00:33):
For you too?
Jim (00:33):
For both of us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's been a.
It's been
Ben (00:35):
a.
Two weeks for me in the shorttime span of the last two weeks,
somehow I managed to have youbeat it's wild
Jim (00:44):
somehow, but there was some really cool and great stuff in
there for you too, with the newhouse that you guys are moving
into.
So that's a huge blessing.
Ben (00:54):
It is.
So we're talking about gettingold on this episode and man,
turning 40 has been hard for me.
Like.
I didn't expect it to be thisdifficult, but here I am.
Two weeks ago, I was in thehospital with a heart that was
(01:15):
beating very out of rhythm tothe point that it was also
beating extremely rapidly, whichput me in early stages of heart
failure and needing to behospitalized.
So that was two weeks ago.
And then you add into that aweek ago, we closed on our new
house.
And a few days ago, we listedour old house for sale.
(01:38):
Lots of stressful things in thelast two weeks.
And I'm feeling the 40s.
Yeah.
I hope that they get better fromhere.
But it's just been like, apretty significant blow.
It's like, welcome to your 40s.
Now your heart is gonna beat outof sync.
Have fun.
Jim (01:56):
Right?
that was so bizarre to hearbecause you had talked about how
they were saying there was areaction to some of your
medication.
And so, Hey, sometime next week,let's follow back on this.
And in reality, it was like youwere in the beginning stages of
heart failure.
Ben (02:15):
I was, I'm really trying to have some grace for my doc, but
at the same time, I'm having ahard time with that because.
I had been messaging him withsome of the things that I was
experiencing and he just waslike, you know, I think it's
probably related to some of themed changes.
Just wait it out, but give us acall if, if it doesn't get any
(02:38):
better.
Jim (02:39):
So had you had the heart issues prior to?
All of this?
Or is this kind of the firsttime this has shown up?
Ben (02:46):
Well, this specific issue is new to me.
Okay.
However, my mom and her siblingsapparently all had AFib.
So, it's genetic.
Okay.
But, it needs a trigger.
And the trigger for me wasstress.
Jim (03:03):
Yeah.
I've heard that before.
That stress can be a trigger forthings that you wouldn't think
have anything to do with it.
Yeah.
That all of a sudden,
Ben (03:14):
a lot of things just lay dormant and you never know that
they're an issue until you'restressed.
Jim (03:19):
That was scary for, for me.
For you and obviously your wifeis scary for me too.
To just kind of hear, I don'twant to bug him, but I hope
tomorrow we text and Ben's notdead.
That was a thought that crossedmy mind.
So really scary stuff.
Ben (03:34):
It really was.
My wife's best friend had a fiband I just remember Andy just
being like, Some people don'tmake it out of AFib, their
hearts just go crazy.
So just hearing that, andreplaying those conversations,
and then, I guess it's standardprocedure in the hospital to ask
(03:56):
these questions, but, I wasasked things like, If you go
unconscious and we're unable towake you up, do you want us to
continue to make efforts or doyou want us to not?
Oh yeah, all
Jim (04:10):
the do not resuscitate stuff.
Oh my goodness.
Ben (04:13):
And then one of the nurses asked me if I had a final will
or trust written up.
Jim (04:20):
Will and testament.
Yeah.
Ben (04:21):
To be asked those questions was just like, Oh, this is
serious.
Jim (04:27):
When you go in for your flu shot, they don't ask you if you
have written up your last willand Testament.
Did you just kind of let thatroll off or was that impactful
for you when they said that?
Ben (04:37):
It was pretty impactful.
It was just me and I'm thinking,wow, I've really never been
asked those questions.
I've, I've heard those asked onTV shows, but, uh, here it is in
real life.
So it was just so weird.
I genuinely thought all of thisstuff was just a reaction to
medicine and if I stopped themeds, then it'll get better, but
(05:00):
it didn't.
And then I finally saw the docand.
First thing the nurse says iswe're going to do an EKG.
So off comes the shirt and oncomes all of the little sticky
patches and wires.
And right in the doctor'soffice, they did the EKG and
sure enough, AFib with a superfast heart rate.
(05:25):
That's bizarre.
So all of that happened duringthis stressful season of Not
only buying a house, but sellinga house.
Yeah.
And then add in the stress oflife, of work, and family.
Jim (05:42):
If you pull all of the people in this room, the start
of their forties were not sogreat.
Ben (05:48):
Everybody in this room.
There are so many of us here.
It just revealed to me that Idon't Do not have the capacity
that I once did in my twentiesand thirties.
Like, Oh yeah, I genuinely needto slow myself down and I just
can't go to the level that Iused to.
Have you felt that?
Jim (06:09):
Oh yeah.
I mean, I think I shared on aprevious episode about how I got
COVID and then after beingbedridden for, A few days I went
to pull up my pajama pants andthrew out my bag and then it
happened again later and Ihadn't even been sick.
Same thing.
Just pulling up my pajama pants.
(06:29):
I apparently pulling my pants upis too much for my 40 year old
body.
So
Ben (06:35):
I hear that
Jim (06:36):
if you're not in that boat and you're like, oh my gosh,
these guys are old and you're 40and not having those problems.
Just you wait.
It's right around the corner.
No kidding.
Same.
You got to eat healthy, you gotto exercise because if you
don't, you start paying for itstarting in your thirties.
But then man, once you hitforties, my word, it's something
(06:58):
that you have to prioritizealmost anybody.
You can do something better thanwhat you're doing right now.
So
Ben (07:03):
that's the thing.
It just takes intentionality.
Jim (07:05):
Yeah.
Ben (07:06):
And I feel like in my twenties and thirties.
I didn't necessarily have to beintentional.
I somehow just got lucky.
I didn't ever have like thisroutine fitness program, but I
was in a lot better shape than Iam now.
And I think it just boils downto how I spend my, yeah,
(07:28):
precious free time and the olderI get, the more intentional I
need to be and the more justvery dutiful I have to be with
my free time.
Jim (07:39):
Sure.
You kind of had a a point theretoo though, didn't you, that you
went from pretty healthy, if notclose to athletic, all the way
to like.
Whoa, what, what did I letmyself get into?
Ben (07:53):
I was really healthy at the beginning of our marriage, Andy
and I.
Jim (07:58):
Appreciate that clarification.
When Ben and I got married, hewas much more trim.
You really let yourself go.
Ben (08:07):
Oh, Jim.
But yes, 18 years ago, I was,Really good health and then over
the course of honestly about 15years life was Super stressful.
I was not being intentionaldidn't prioritize my health
Yeah, and it just started toreally show and I ballooned up
(08:29):
to 350 360.
Yeah a lot closer to 400 than Iever Want to be right.
So yeah, and then I've beenworking on getting below 300.
I hit that about a year ago andnow I'm kind of back up so it's
like this yo yo.
Jim (08:48):
Yeah.
Ben (08:50):
I'm certainly Motivated now to get back under 300,
especially with all of thelatest health stuff.
Now, it wasn't my weight thatcaused the issues, but at the
same time, the extra weight thatI carry is making recovery more
difficult.
Yeah.
It's harder on your heart forsure.
Oh yeah.
Jim (09:10):
Yeah.
Ben (09:11):
It can be really easy to look at aging and turning 40 and
just have this negativeperspective of it all.
Sure.
I'm curious about you.
What has been some positivethings?
Yeah.
Growth areas that you've seen inyour life since turning 40?
Jim (09:30):
Good question.
It has been a rough journey forme.
You know, that's, that's been abig part of what I really have
been trying to focus on morelately is gratitude and being
positive.
And in spite of some of thetough 10 years, seeing, wow,
these are some things thatreally have gone well.
(09:53):
Comparison is the thief of joy,right?
For me, I felt like I was kindof behind some of my peers.
I was just thinking about thisthe other day where I'm like,
man, I didn't even get a houseuntil I was 35.
I wish that I could have beenable to do that.
Prior to that.
Well, then I looked it up.
(10:13):
The average age of a first timehome buyer is 36.
Ben (10:18):
You beat it.
Jim (10:19):
So I was like, I actually got a house three quarters of a
year earlier than the nationalaverage.
How bizarre is it that in myhead?
I got my house like maybe six orseven years later than everybody
else.
Nope.
So that would be number onething that, that we're able to
now have our own house and ourown space.
(10:41):
The kids have their own bedroom.
I mean, when I grew up, I was,it was a bigger family, but I
shared a room with my brother,which there was some positives
to that, but
Ben (10:49):
sure.
All the way until 18 or when youmoved out.
Jim (10:53):
All the way.
Yeah.
So we shared a room that wholetime.
Having our own house has been sonice.
And then from a stage of lifestandpoint, my kids are just
getting to that age now whereyou can leave them by themselves
for an hour or something or
Ben (11:10):
go run an errand and you don't have to bring them with
you.
Jim (11:13):
Exactly.
It's been really cool to see mykids grow up and develop into
their personalities.
It's neat that I have put somuch time and energy and focus
in like my family comes first tosee that.
So whole right now, I'm, I'mdesperately in love with my
wife.
(11:33):
We've got a rock solid marriage,my, my kids.
They're kids, they're, you know,they don't do what you ask
sometimes and they'redisrespectful sometimes, but
like, we just had like a funadult conversation.
Even with a nine year old and a12 year old in the living room
yesterday.
And actually my nine year oldsaid something like, sometimes
(11:56):
you guys talk over me, is therelike a way that we can get it so
that you know, that I'm tryingto say something because he, and
he didn't say it.
Mean or even upset.
It was just like
Ben (12:10):
genuine curiosity.
Jim (12:11):
Exactly.
And that's something that I'vetaught them that the emotional
maturity and speaking your needsand addressing issues when
they're small, instead ofwaiting to get upset about
something.
And so it's been cool to seethings that you have modeled and
taught reflected in how they actand speak.
(12:34):
That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
So, so that's been.
Such a huge blessing.
Honestly, my wife and I werejust sort of like smiling at
each other after thisconversation because the weight
of everything else that's beengoing on, it just was this
moment of like, this is how weare truly blessed to have this
(12:58):
moment and to have a goodrelationship with our kids and a
good relationship in ourmarriage.
I honestly would trade that for.
Any amount of money in a career.
I truly would.
I would take this that Icomplain about in a heartbeat.
Ben (13:16):
I hear that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jim (13:18):
What about you?
Ben (13:20):
Well, for all of the things that I have to complain about,
or All of the struggles, thethings that are difficult.
I'm also aware of the fact thatI have a lot in my life to be
grateful for.
I have two kids who are cominginto their own and are free
(13:42):
thinkers.
And my daughter lately justcan't get enough time with her
dad.
I absolutely love it.
I was in the hammock the othernight at the new house.
Yes, setting up the hammock wasone of the first things I did at
our new place.
There's a hill in the backyardwith two trees that are perfect
(14:04):
distance from each other to hanga hammock.
So I set it up and I love it.
I was having a rough night.
I told my wife that I justneeded some alone time.
And she said, that's fine, butcan you help me?
unload this last bit from theold house.
So I did.
And then I promptly went to thebackyard.
(14:27):
Not 10 minutes later, mydaughter comes out and she just
plops herself down in thehammock.
It's kind of dramatic becauseshe's not always super graceful.
Uh, so next thing I know, She'sgot to be pushing six foot.
I mean, she's not short andshe's now flouncing trying to
(14:47):
get into the hammock next to meand Giggling and it's like how
can I be having to?
A difficult time when I've gotthis joyful daughter laying next
to me, who just wants nothingmore than to hang out with dad
in the backyard at the newhouse.
We're looking out and from thehammock we had a perfect view of
the moon.
There were fireflies in thebackyard.
(15:10):
And I just had this moment of,holy cow, I am I am blessed.
Like, wow, this is awesome.
I have a daughter who wants tohang out with me.
She asked me about chat GPT.
So, of course, I was excited totell her all about it.
We nerded out using the AI voicetool, asking silly questions.
(15:35):
And it was a blast.
And then I think about theopportunity I have to pursue
kind of a passion project thatI've been interested in for
years.
And pursuing certification as aspiritual director.
The fact that that's even on thetable and is something that we
have the time and money topursue.
(15:57):
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we're doing okay here.
My wife is launching out intoher next phase of her career.
So we're both kind of in likethis mid career path and it's
great.
That's what I have to keepreminding myself of.
It's so easy to.
(16:18):
look at all of the things thatare going wrong.
And there certainly is noshortage.
I mean, the older I get, thelonger that list becomes.
However, if I'm honest, theolder I get, the longer the
other list becomes to the listof things that are good and that
are life giving
Jim (16:38):
for sure.
Ben (16:39):
And I think what's so irritating and frustrating about
the other list, the list ofthings that go wrong.
When things go wrong, I.
I almost fear that somehow thegood stuff just won't be
accessible anymore, but that'snot true.
If life has taught me anything,it's that you can always start
(17:01):
over.
Yeah.
Like there's always a freshstart and just because I had a
rough day or just because Ispent time in the hospital
doesn't mean that all of asudden now I can't do anything
for the rest of my life.
Yeah.
I'm going to go for bike ridesagain and hang out with my
daughter and All those thingsdidn't end just because I had a
(17:24):
crazy thing with my heart.
So that's what it's been likefor me.
Just a perspective shift.
Not everything is as bad as itfeels in the moment.
Jim (17:35):
I think that's a great.
The thought process, if you'retoo fatalistic about something,
it becomes a self fulfillingprophecy where, well, I'm just
never going to be able to dothat again.
You just have to accept thatthis isn't necessarily forever.
Even when you do have to give upsomething that you used to
(17:56):
really enjoy, allowing that tojust be okay and just adapt and
find something else rather thanbeing.
Angry at God or the world oryour situation or why does this
keep having to happen to me?
I've had those moments Tuesdaynight.
I Cried good big cry for thefirst time in a long time I just
(18:20):
couldn't I couldn't help itbecause it was just really
discouraging, but I actuallyended up laughing with it about
my kids later.
I actually started out the day.
Great.
I fixed the garage door and Iwas able to back out without
getting out of my car andhitting the code in and, and I
fixed it myself when a bunch oftechnicians couldn't figure out
(18:42):
what was going on with it.
So there was also like a senseof satisfaction of, yeah, it's
going to be a great day.
And then all of a sudden, whack,no, you are not allowed to have
a good day.
And we all actually, fordifferent reasons had had bad
days.
Like my, my kid got a reallynasty burn and my wife threw out
her back and a bunch of otherstuff happened.
(19:02):
So it was just like a terribleday for everybody.
And it was, and you can wallowin it.
And I think it's okay to be sad,but turning around and being
like, you know what, I'm notgoing to let one more tragedy in
my life happen.
Ruin right good things that I dohave and just trying to have a
Positive mentality, honestly,that's something that I look up
(19:23):
to you in a lot of ways that Ifeel like you're really good at
staying positive and I feel likeyou're so much better than I am
at self care.
I need to take a break and stepaway and do something for myself
so that I don't mentally break.
Ben (19:44):
Yeah.
Well, that's only because I havementally and physically broken
down, so I know that if I don'tdo this, I am not gonna be in a
good spot.
It's funny to hear you say thatbecause I feel like I hate how
many breaks I've had to take.
While we have been moving sure Imiss the days of just being able
(20:06):
to take Load after load tripafter trip down the stairs put
it in the truck go back up getthe next I had a higher help
this time we have a junk haulerguy that took our old pool away
when it was busted and Andy waslike, well, why don't you call
that dude that took our pool?
Maybe he'll help you with thebasement So I was like not a bad
(20:28):
idea.
Jim (20:29):
Yeah,
Ben (20:29):
so I messaged him and he's like, oh, yeah, I'd love to help
with that So he came out but itwas such a weird thing to sit in
the garage and watch somebody dothe work that I would have been
doing if my body and heart wouldhave let me.
So it's very humbling.
I don't like being the breaktaker.
Jim (20:51):
Sure.
Ben (20:51):
But at the same time, it sounds so dire, but I'm still
alive and, you know.
Um, that's partially due to thefact that I have to take care of
myself.
So
Jim (21:03):
you kind of hit on limitations is something when
you're younger, you kind of doanything and you don't think
about the repercussions, butthere are an awful lot of people
like one of my really goodfriends had that mentality and
he threw out his back as a 20something Oh wow.
And he can't do things.
And as in pain, as a result ofit, there are some things that I
(21:25):
would rather just have somebodyelse do.
You might think you're fine.
And then all of a sudden you'renot exactly, you're not coming
back from it.
When you're in your twenties,you can throw out your back and.
Ben (21:37):
Put an ice pack on it.
You might be okay when you're a
Jim (21:40):
teenager, you will almost guaranteed be okay.
I think when you turn 45,there's literally like a song
about not snow shoveling after45 because your risk of heart
attack.
Goes way up at what point do younow, sometimes you just can't
(22:00):
afford it.
And that's why people who don'thave a side income die younger
than people who do.
But if you can afford to havesomebody plow your driveway or
to buy the snowblower, once hehit 45,
Ben (22:13):
yeah.
Jim (22:14):
I say do it and it doesn't make you less of a man.
It makes you less likely to die,right?
And while you may have learnedtrial by fire, I think, like you
said, sometimes you just have torecognize that you have mental
limitations and you need to takebreaks for your sanity and you
need to find things that youenjoy.
Ben (22:35):
Definitely.
Like swinging in the hammockwith your daughter.
It's pretty great.
Yeah.
So one thing that we touched onbriefly was this concept of the
good coexisting with the bad andhow just because something bad
happens doesn't necessarily meanthat.
good is not possible anymore.
(22:57):
It reminded me of something thatmy therapist has shared with me
often.
I have this tendency to try toeliminate things that are
negative, whether that's anxietyor the nervous jitters that
sometimes I get when I speak.
Like I speak of those things,those hindrances as things that
I just want to get rid of.
(23:18):
On several occasions, mytherapist has said, well, that's
just.
being human.
When you are a human, you havelimitations.
You have experiences that aren'tpositive.
And it was just a good reminderthat Sometimes in our pursuit of
(23:38):
happiness or our pursuit of, uh,comfortable life, we somehow get
this mindset that we need toeliminate all of the things that
are difficult or painful.
And that's just not a realisticway to live.
So, I've just been really alsofocusing on not losing sight of
(23:59):
the fact that good and badcoexist.
And that it's okay.
And I don't need to completelyrid myself of anxiety because
honestly, that quest justcreates more anxiety.
The more I focus on getting ridof it, the more present it
(24:20):
becomes.
So I've just been really tryingto approach life in my forties
with that mindset of howwonderful is it that I get to
experience the full spectrum ofwhat it means to be human, good,
bad, and ugly.
That's a thought that helps pullme through those difficult times
yeah, I was in the hospital andsure that sucked but i'm also in
(24:43):
a new house and it's awesome andwe went and shopped for
furniture today and We're in aposition where our budget is
very different and it's justlike Oh yeah, life's pretty
good.
Aging is certainly difficult,but it's also kind of exciting.
(25:04):
I think there's some excitementin my forties that I'm looking
forward to.
Jim (25:10):
I hear you there.
I, I hope that my forties aregood, but man, has it been a,
has it been a rough go?
So the forties are when thingsare starting to come out where
it's like, I've beenresponsible.
I've been good with what I'vedone now.
Maybe we can, you know, Get thatboat that we've wanted to get,
or we can finally afford to geta house when we've been renting.
(25:32):
Sure.
You're starting to have some ofthat more freedom or your kids
are growing up where you can goon a vacation.
I think that's, that isexciting.
There is that freedom and thisis awesome that I, that I can do
some of these things.
And I love what you said aboutaccepting the good with the bad,
because it's easy to get stuckthere, especially if a lot of
(25:55):
bad stuff has happened, but.
Having the mental maturity tosay like, yep, this is a bad
thing, but that's okay.
Life isn't always perfect andI'm not going to dwell in this
space.
And that's, that's pretty neat.
In fact, and I'm curious howthis has impacted you, but
you'll hear those stories wheresomebody got into like a near
(26:16):
fatal car accident or they had acancer diagnosis and then they
overcame it.
Or sometimes even that theydidn't.
It where actually they're lesshealthy than before, but you've
had CEOs of fortune 500companies be like this illness
or car accident or whateversaved my life.
Yeah.
Because it forced me to slowdown.
(26:37):
It forced me to take scope ofwhat's really important to me.
I know a lot of the stuff that'shappened with me.
That's been the case where it'sso bad that you're like, okay,
wait a minute.
Like.
What's really important.
I mean, you were starting to gointo heart failure.
Has that suddenly made yourethink where your priorities
(26:57):
are and how you view life?
Ben (27:02):
That's a really good question.
I, I don't think I've had anymajor moments of Oh my gosh, I
need to completely change howI'm doing life.
If anything, I'll go back tointentionality.
It just really revealed to methat.
Okay, all these things that I'vebeen talking about with my
doctor over the last few years,all the warnings I've read or
(27:27):
stories I've heard from people,like that's actually real.
So it's just more of a realitycheck, not necessarily a
priority check.
Almost a very humbling moment ofjust realizing I am limited.
I do need to Take care of myselfin ways that perhaps I haven't
(27:49):
been.
It's just been kind of arefresher of Okay.
Yeah, there's limitations here.
I need to take them seriouslyand I need to do different Yeah,
but as far as like prioritiesPeace I didn't have a moment
where I was like, Oh man, Ireally need to be more present
for my kids.
No, I've been doing that.
(28:09):
But if I'm going to keep doingthat stuff, uh, that was the
reality check for me.
Jim (28:15):
Got to stick around for the grandkids.
Ben (28:16):
Yeah.
And there's a lot of things Ineed to do to be able to do
that.
And that's just how it is.
Jim (28:23):
I think the other interesting thing about being 40
for me has been observing for alot of us.
All of your grandparents aregone, or maybe like one of them
is still around.
And now you've got parents whohave varying stages where you're
now starting to get to that agewhere I'm a generation closer
(28:46):
from being that person.
You know, my, my dad now is 72,73, I think somewhere around
there.
And he is very active andhealthy and with it, you know,
that's awesome.
But.
Once you get to that age, youcan go from perfectly healthy to
not here anymore.
(29:06):
It's this weird.
Peer into mortality that you dostart asking yourself those
questions.
When I look at my future, Ithink there's a lot of things on
my bucket list that justprobably will never happen.
Again, from a worldwidestandpoint, most people don't
ever get to do those things.
Yeah.
Instead of focusing on what youcan't do that other people can
(29:29):
in the entire world.
You think like, how awesome isit that I can bike to the ice
cream shop with my kid?
That is pretty
Ben (29:38):
great.
And
Jim (29:39):
sit down and enjoy a waffle cone.
What a huge blessing.
When you allow that to beenough, you can be really happy.
Ben (29:50):
That's a really good point.
I want to redefine what enoughmeans.
Jim (29:56):
I love that.
Ben (29:57):
And just scale back a little bit and savor the moments
and, and let moments like beingin a hammock with my daughter,
looking at the moon and watchingfireflies, that's enough.
Jim (30:12):
That's enough.
Ben (30:13):
That's Riding bikes to get ice cream with your kids.
That's enough.
Jim (30:17):
Yeah,
Ben (30:17):
I think sometimes We just need to redefine enough
Jim (30:23):
for sure you do.
Absolutely If you're in a trulydark place, we're not trying to
minimize that, that pain.
And it's okay to be sad.
And man, if you've listened to asingle episode of this show, you
know, that like we, we supportbeing in touch with your, your
feelings and acknowledging it.
(30:43):
I love that sort of redefiningyou're enough and really
anybody.
For the most part in thiscountry, like if you have
housing and food on your table,like you can find things that
are a blessing in your life andfocus on what makes you happy
rather than things that are outof your control.
Yeah, that's awesome.
(31:06):
Aging is hard, but there's a lotof good stuff that comes with it
too.
Ben (31:10):
There is.
Sometimes you just have to pullback the layer of the difficult
things to see, Oh, there'sactually a lot of good here too.
It's all just part of life.
Jim (31:22):
Yeah.
And it's a trade off.
Cause I think when you're like akid, you're like, man, I can't
wait until I get a cell phone.
Not us.
Because we're old, but back thenyou didn't have cell phones, but
there's always that thing thatyou're looking forward to, or I
can finally drink, or I canfinally drive my own car or, Oh,
it'll be so nice to get agirlfriend or get a house or
(31:42):
whatever.
There's always that thing thatyou're looking forward to, which
is the blessing of gettingolder.
But the older you get, then it'slike, now I can do all the
things.
And how much time do I haveleft?
And how long is this body goingto hold out?
Both sides have theirlimitations, but also their
(32:03):
blessings when you're young andwhen you're old.
So what are those blessings?
Alright, I gotta ask, I'mcurious, what, what's something
that, just you probably, youngeryou would have thought was
bizarre, and now, like, youcan't live without, or, you're
like, this is just my life now.
Ben (32:21):
So, back, probably 15 years ago, I bought a Volvo station
wagon, and I loved that car.
But one thing that it had that Ijust hated and could not
understand was, Seat warmers.
I was like, that is so awkward.
Why would you want your butt tobe hot in the car?
Like, that is, uh, no thanks.
(32:44):
I'll pass.
And in fact, I was a youthpastor at the time, and I always
pranked my youth group kids byturning the seat warmer on on
the passenger seat.
And they would have a similarreaction of, who even does that?
Who uses a seat warmer that's sogood?
Awkward and weird.
Well, that was one of thefeatures that I was looking for
(33:06):
in my latest vehicle purchasewas a seat heater because it
gets darn cold in Michigan andit is kind of nice to have a
heated seat to warm you up andmy steering wheel is even
heated.
Oh my word.
And yeah, 15 years ago Icouldn't understand it and
wanted nothing to do with it.
(33:26):
Now.
It's a pretty great feature.
Yeah.
So that's mine.
Jim (33:34):
I'm trying to think of something that before I wouldn't
have done.
And now maybe I think somethingthat I would have surprised
myself with is some of the likelawn care and yard work now,
especially when it comes to likethe critters, I hate moles and
(33:54):
gophers and.
Now this year, deer last yearand this year, they keep eating
my stinking cherry trees.
And I realized how old that Isound.
Cause I, I just want to be ableto go into my backyard in five
or six years and be able to pickmy cherry trees.
They're screwing everything up.
(34:14):
I finally get rid of the molesand then the deer show up.
So that's, that's my old manthing is I, I want to kill all
the critters that step foot ontomy property, except for the
birds.
I like the birds.
The birds are nice.
Which is now everyone's laughingbecause, Oh yeah, birds get out
the binoculars and watch thebirds from my back porch.
(34:37):
My beloved cockapoo Keanu ruffs.
He is always welcome in thishouse, even though he does
sometimes eat our strawberries.
I'm okay with that.
Ben (34:46):
Yeah, that's pretty.
Minor
Jim (34:48):
the rest of them.
They can go just
Ben (34:50):
go.
Jim (34:51):
I'm a grumpy old man, and I don't want you on my property
Nice there you go To be honestBen and I both are here like
just dragging our feet It's avery through like here Ben Ben
is trying to recover from hisEverything that happened with
(35:14):
his heart.
And I had such a stressful weekthat I haven't been sleeping
well.
So we just wanted to do a littlebit of a lighthearted and tongue
and cheek episode about how weboth just feel old today.
So we hope that you enjoyedreminiscing with Ben and I, and
we would love to hear too, fromyou guys, what are some things
that you didn't expect to happenwhen you were old?
(35:36):
What are some things that havesurprised you?
Maybe some of your.
tragedies, some of yoursuccesses.
How has age impacted you andyour space in life?
Ben (35:48):
We'd love to hear from you.
So reach out on Facebook or anyof the other social media pages
or drop us a line at show.
I don't even know what it is.
Hello?
We have an email address, but Idon't know what it
Jim (36:02):
is.
Show at real men, hug.
com podcast backslash show.
Ben (36:09):
See, I'm old.
I can't even remember our emailaddress.
So maybe just go to our Facebookpage because for sure, Jim and I
will see it then, but yes, we'dlove to hear your feedback.
Thanks so much for being a partof the show.
Jim (36:22):
Tell a friend
Ben (36:24):
tell everybody hmm real men hug and they also hate deer
Jim (36:30):
real men do hate deer No, see I care about deer.
I I just don't want them on myproperty.
Ben (36:37):
You can get a hunting license and shoot them.
Jim (36:39):
I cannot.
That would be illegal because Ilive on a third of an acre.
True.
There is that though.
My neighbor, before he passedaway, actually did shoot a
groundhog from his back porch,but the kiddie corner neighbor
is a cop.
And he was like, yeah, don't dothat again.
So ever since they put in thatdevelopment, man, there, Oh,
(37:01):
yeah.
Used to be woods and that'swhere they lived and now they're
eating my stinking trees.
That's my old man thought forthe end of the podcast.
Ben (37:10):
Stay off my lawn.
Stay off my lawn.
Nice.
All right.
Well, see you next time.
Jim (37:17):
See you next time.
Ben (37:23):
I
Jim (37:23):
forgot to hit record.
Ben (37:25):
No you didn't.
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