January 8, 2025 • 59 mins
What if you could transform your life not by setting daunting goals, but by embracing subtle, sustainable habits? This week on Real Talk with Tina and Anne, we promise to guide you through the journey of personal growth and self-care, inspired by James Clear's "Atomic Habits." We share personal stories, especially those that resonate with mothers who often put others first, highlighting the profound effect addiction can have on families. Discover the importance of recognizing your own needs and practicing self-kindness amidst life's challenges.
Ever wonder how dealing with difficult people can teach you more about yourself than you realize? We dive into the notion of self-reflection and the art of setting boundaries. Learn why maintaining your true character in the face of adversity is essential, and how to turn potentially negative interactions into opportunities for personal growth. Through our anecdotes, we highlight the power of choice, encouraging you to live intentionally and authentically, while being mindful of the voices that truly matter.
Join us as we explore the transformative power of rest and the courage it takes to ask for help. Delve into the challenges of managing emotions and the importance of forgiveness, even when apologies are not forthcoming. Our conversation touches on the joy of lifelong learning and curiosity, from crafting to language acquisition, and how these pursuits can enrich our personalities and relationships. Listen in to learn how prioritizing rest and seeking support are powerful steps toward growth and self-improvement.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
I am Tina.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
And I am Anne.
You know, at the beginning ofevery year we all make
resolutions and it is like walkevery day, lose 20 pounds, and
it's very task-oriented andsometimes, just because it is a
task, something we don't want todo, we really have a hard time
doing it past one month, but ifwe just do some key things, it
(00:35):
actually will lead to the sameresults without us even
realizing that it's a task.
That would be really something,huh.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Yeah it would.
I fall into that category.
I get so excited and yeah, I'mgoing to do this and I'm going
to do this, and I do it for awhile.
It's like I'm good for three orfour weeks and then I fall off
some way somehow.
And getting back up is thebiggest struggle.
And I know it's supposed to besimple just start, but that can
(01:03):
be so hard.
I don't understand why, but Ido feel like we talked about
this book before.
It is James Clear.
The book is Atomic Habits andhe talks a lot about this very
thing.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
You know we all have things that we need to change.
You know, when we go into theyear, we make a kind of like
this self-analysis and we go,yeah, I need to change this, I
need to do this.
And you know we all do so.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
I think going into any new year or any new day
actually, that we can genuinelysay we need to change something
that will make us a betterperson.
My eight-year-old just theother day said that he has goals
that he has set for himself andI won't share them because some
of them are personal, you know,for him.
(01:47):
But it was really cute how hesaid it.
He sounded like a little manand I said, well, I don't know
of these goals, will you sharethem with me?
And so he did and I thoughtthese are really good goals.
So the next step after that iseveryone I think probably knows
is you have to do the next step.
You know the next first step,so we'll see if we can get there
(02:10):
and how long it lasts.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Well, we do have a list and I actually really love
these and you know, they reallyare the kind of it's the kind of
list that you don't evenrealize you're doing it, if you
just allow yourself to try to beyour best.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Well, I think that something that's really
important for all of us isputting self-care, our own
selves, at the top of the list,because if we can't help
ourselves, we are not able tohelp others.
It's that whole analogy of ifyou're on a plane and you need
to put your gas mask, don't dothat.
(02:49):
If you need to put your oxygenmask on first.
You know they say, put it onfirst because you have to help
yourself before you can helpsomeone else.
I can tell you that I amentering a season of feeling
just completely overwhelmed andshutting down, and I don't.
I think part of it is justbecause of the holiday season
(03:12):
being here, but part of it isjust you know some of the hard
parts of life that happened toso many of us.
And don't worry, if it hasn'thappened to you yet, it will.
That's what a wise woman has.
My counselor has always said tome if you, if it hasn't
happened to you yet, don't worry, it will.
Hard times you've got toexclude, but I think that the
very first thing is youSelf-care is not selfish.
(03:35):
And going along those lines, Igot to read something that I
found earlier today, actuallyfrom Morgan Harper Nichols, and
there are a couple of thingsthat she said.
So one of the things is shesays you are worthy of the same
kind words and considerationthat you would give to others.
(03:55):
I think that's pretty powerful.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Yeah, you know, I often wonder why I talk to
myself and we've actually talkedabout this on the podcast
before but I've actuallywondered why I've talked to
myself so much, worse than Iwould allow anybody else to talk
to myself, or I would be like,wait a second, they just said.
But you know, sometimes I findmyself talking like that to
myself.
But I love this because youknow so many times, especially
(04:22):
as a mom and you know what thisis like, tina, that we put
ourselves last and I just did apodcast with someone and all
this stuff was happening to her.
It was really awful stuff andsomeone asked her how it
affected her and she hadn't eventhought about it.
I mean, she had thought abouteverybody else, but not how it
affected her.
(04:43):
And we often make sureeverybody else is okay and then
we think, wait, am I okay?
And most of the time I don'teven think I asked that question
.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I think it's a good one to ask, and I'll tell you
where this really applies, atleast personally and in lots of
interviews that I have donethroughout my career, lots of
interviews that I have donethroughout my career and it
would be in the addiction arena.
So, when I was growing up, mybrother now I'm older than my
brother, but he is an addict andhe was a recovering addict at
(05:21):
one point, but he is again anaddict and when I still lived at
home, nobody ever thought howit impacted me, and it wasn't
until that's so interesting,yeah, nobody.
And even when I brought it tothe attention of my parents, you
know, maybe a year, two years,I can't even remember the
timeframe but sometime laterthey were like wow, I never even
(05:42):
thought about that because theywere so consumed with the
addict, and so there were somany layers that I, as a sibling
, dealt with.
I mean, I basically didn't havemy mom and dad for a whole year
.
Now, granted, I was older and,you know, in my early 20s, but
you still want your familyaround, you know.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Everybody that's involved.
When somebody is in, you knowthe thick of addiction.
Everybody's sick Right and itis a family disease.
It is.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Yeah, but I think some families don't realize that
, and so that's what I wanted tosay is that's the?
When you said that, that is,what I thought about was yes,
I've been there where I was like, am I okay?
No, I'm not okay, but nobodyelse could see that I wasn't
okay.
Yeah, that's an interesting one.
(06:33):
I wanted to go back to theMorgan Harper Nichols.
Some of the quotes that I'veread from her, because she talks
about these are what she callsher things to remember this
December, and this was anotherpowerful one for me.
And it said being yourselfshould never have to mean being
by yourself, and you are free totake small shifts toward
(06:54):
discovering what supportivespaces could look like in a way
that leads to meaningfulconnection.
I think that's a good self-careone too.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
It is because you're being intentional, you know I
love that's a good self-care onetoo.
It is because you're beingintentional, you know, I love
that.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
And basically to me, it speaks to my heart If someone
is making you uncomfortable anddisturbing your peace, you
don't have to be around thatDon't Find your people.
It's so true we need our tribe,which then goes into.
I love how she also said theprogress you have already made,
no matter how small, areintegral parts of your growth.
(07:31):
That deserves a big amen, Ithink.
And she ends it up with.
She ends with give yourselfpermission to add your own
health and well-being to thelist of things you care about.
We absolutely should care aboutus, because people depend on
and love us and same wereciprocate that, and so we
really do matter.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
That's why it's even first on our list, because we
need to take care of us first,because if we don't, and we need
to know when to weed people out, when not to let people in, and
that's really important becausepeople can be life-sucking and
if we go into things and we'vehad our life sucked out of us,
(08:16):
you know we're never our bestself, so, and we'll know, we
will absolutely know when wefeel drained and when somebody
is doing that, contributing tothat.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, pay attention to how you feel around people,
yes, and how you make otherpeople feel.
I mean, in being all fair, Imean, yeah, that's good, but why
no?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
just kidding.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Yeah, well, at the end of the day, what does it
really matter?
It doesn't matter.
They could leave whatever Justkidding, I mean, that's a valid
point too.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Yeah, but I mean it does go both ways.
I mean you're absolutely right,we do need to be very
conscientious about how we makeother people feel and we need to
be intentional about it.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
When you think about the new year, what else are you
thinking of?
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Well, I think that we need to be, or we could be, the
person that you respect.
And I just absolutely love thisone, because if you go to sleep
every day knowing that youreflect who you want to reflect,
then that's awesome.
(09:29):
But I know that there arethings that we face and can say,
geez, I really shouldn't havedone that, or I really shouldn't
have said that, or maybe Ishould have reached out to this
person, or maybe I shouldn'thave said that swear word or
whatever you know.
I mean, we really need to lookat ourselves and say are we
(09:49):
really reflecting who we are andbe the person that we would
respect?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
You know, just kind of a funny thing, but it goes
with what you're saying is Iread something recently that it
was kind of like, I guess, a digat someone if they were not
being very kind to you and youcould say well, I hope that you
get the same treatment that yougive to others, or I hope that
you're treated the same way youtreat others.
(10:19):
But it's true, it's true.
If you're giving that out,would you want to be on the
receiving end?
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
I have this mind.
That normally goes to being asmart you know what, and so I.
But what I think and what I sayare completely different things
.
Right, I am thinking a lot, I'msaying, oh you know, and being
really sweet about it a lot oftimes.
(10:51):
So I mean, but it's onlybecause I really do want to
reflect who I really am.
And that comes down to that oneyou had said in a podcast
recently about yeah, I wouldtreat you the way that you're
treating me, but it's not in mycharacter.
Right, yeah, Because we want toreflect who we really are.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Right and we don't want other people to change us.
We're going to come acrosscrappy people and yeah, I think
so many of us have but no,you're not going to change who I
am just because of who you are,and I think that's actually one
of the most important things toremember, that it's so
important to know that usually Iwould say the overwhelming
(11:32):
majority of the time the waythat someone treats you is a
reflection of them, not you.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Absolutely 100%.
Or you and I were talkingbefore we came on and I shared a
story with you, and sometimessomebody really might just be
having a bad day and it's justin the moment, right, and
sometimes just being kind back.
You know, and I have learnedthis so many times and this has
(11:59):
been a really good lesson to meto wait it out, sure, before you
do anything or say anything.
Wait it out, because most ofthe time, things will resolve
themselves just because of time,and maybe it was just a moment
in time, but if there's apattern, then you have to look
at that also.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, I think that's important too.
Yeah, I can't remember thequote I had read too.
It was along those lines and itdid talk about be mindful of
people's actions.
Basically, if they'rerepetitive, you know that's
showing their character.
But then someone actually madea good point about that, like,
what if you broke your arm, forexample, and you had to do
(12:43):
things differently because itwasn't healed yet, and they were
referring to?
Well, what if someone hasexperienced, just say, trauma,
who hasn't gotten help yet forit?
They were treated differently,and I liked that perspective
shift.
However, it doesn't change thefact that I don't think that's a
(13:04):
free pass to be an awful personand be rude.
I mean, we all have, you know,instances where that's happened.
We've had bad days.
I don't call them bad days, Icall them bad moments of the day
or hard moments.
But I think that the first stepis realizing, then that you
have a problem and you need toget that help for it.
(13:26):
And if you don't think you havea problem, therefore you're not
going to get help.
I think that's even worse,because you continue to treat
people like crap and you thinkit's okay, but it's not.
You know, it's not an excuse.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Right, yeah, I just recently you know my kids are
very real people and so we havethose conversations too, and I
don't want to give them a passjust because they have autism or
because they have trauma intheir life.
And I can remember you knowthis was a really long time ago,
but one of I don't even want tosay that somebody I know she
(14:05):
used her adoption as a reasonfor being bad at school and the
principal called the parent andsaid yeah, she's saying that the
reason why she's making thesebad choices is because she was
adopted, and it was just like no, we can't use those reasons as
to why that we are making badchoices Because, as we know,
(14:28):
things happen and it's up to usto decide how we're going to
handle it.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
Who wants to be a victim anyway?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I don't you know none of us should want to be a
victim.
We need to rise above.
Yeah, I love that.
Yes, and I have to.
We always have to doself-reflection, and so when
we're talking about beginnings,I mean this is a perfect time to
do that and to start working onsome of these things.
And being honest with ourselvesis also something that I think
(14:58):
that we need to do, and that canbe hard, but you also have to
give yourself grace in theprocess.
So don't be so hard on yourself, because really, what is
happening here is that we areall growing.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yeah, it's.
You know I think I've said itbefore grace in space.
You have said that.
Yeah, it's important toremember that too, and I
absolutely love self-reflection.
I just asked a friend recently,you know, what is it that you
love about me or not?
And you know she had heranswers and it was great.
(15:35):
I don't mind that kind of thingbecause I'm always trying to be
introspective and I want to bethe best version of myself and I
want to teach that to mychildren and generations to come
.
But not everybody is that way,and so it does make it a little
bit tricky when you know thatyou're trying to get to be the
best version of yourself.
But I feel like I've learnedsome of the hard people or just
(15:56):
kind of the awful people in mylife who have kind of come and
thankfully gone.
I feel like I'm really gratefulfor them too, because they have
taught me something very, veryvaluable.
They've taught me to bestronger.
They've taught me to know, helpme set better boundaries.
They have taught me to reallyjust be thankful for what is
(16:17):
real, what is in front of me,what matters the most.
So it's really put things intoa better perspective and at the
end of the day, I don't want anyof those people in my life.
Anyway, I don't have to beunkind.
And in Tupac's words I love this.
Read something that he said.
I just thought that is it.
Yes, that's what I'm talkingabout.
(16:37):
He said just because you'velost me as a friend doesn't mean
you've gained me as an enemy.
I want to see you eat, just notat my table.
And I thought that's me.
There are a lot of people thatI don't want you to eat at my
table.
But I wish you well.
(16:58):
I hope you still eat.
I hope you find your way andget better and become a better
person, but I don't want you atmy table.
Yeah, yeah, isn't that good?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I thought that was so good.
I think that I'm going to writethat down, I think so that's
really good I could.
It's something to live by as apass on.
It's okay to say that.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Yeah, it is.
You know, I think we can alwaysbe kind Sure and yes, are we
going to mess up?
Yes, Can we apologize?
Yes, does that always make itall better.
No, but here's the bottom lineis we don't all have to sit at
the same table.
Okay, if you have a toxic groupof people, no offense, I'm not
(17:47):
inviting you over to my table.
You sit there.
I hope you eat well, that'sfine, but you have some learning
and growing to do and you needto just stay over there.
You're not coming to my table,and I think that's okay.
If it disturbs your peace, letit go.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
You know, whenever we do these podcasts, I always
leave with something, and Ithink that that's one of the big
things I'm going to leave withyou know.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I love that.
It's been ruminating, you know,it's really helping me through
Instead of being so angry withpeople who have wronged you.
Yeah, I think if we just havethat perspective, listen, you go
sit over there and eat, and Ihope you do, just don't come
over here, and it's kind of likea boundaries thing, and I
(18:35):
really like it.
Well, I know, one of the otherthings that I think is next
important is being the creatorof who you want to be is next
important is being the creatorof who you want to be.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Yeah, I mean, that is so true and I absolutely love
that one.
I have, like, this vision boardand I have things on it that I
know that I really want to do,and you know, you're never too
old to become your best self, towork on yourself, to write your
own story, and we did a podcastthis year on writing your own
script or being the director ofyour play, and we talked about
choosing what train car that wewanted to ride in, and, yeah, it
(19:16):
was awesome.
We had a really great responsefrom that.
But you know, that is aboutchoice and we are the writers of
who we want to be every singleday of our lives.
And I think, too, that we oftensay you know, I'm 20 or 30 or 40
, whatever, and we have so muchtime, but in reality, we have
(19:38):
today and what are we going todo with it?
How do we want to represent?
What do we want to accomplish?
Who do we want to be in controlof our lives?
Who do we want to be at ourtable?
Who do we want to include?
You know, at the end of the day, where do we want to be, and it
doesn't have to betask-oriented at all.
It is just simple questions toourselves that will help us to
(20:00):
get there, without evenrealizing that that's what we're
doing.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
And when you talk about growth, I know that that
can trigger some people who arestagnant, and so being authentic
can trigger people who arewearing masks.
And so I just wanted to adddon't let anyone's comfort zone
hinder your growth andauthenticity.
(20:26):
Be uniquely you, as long as theyou is a good version.
I'm not saying go out and be anawful person.
I'm just saying don't let otherpeople's in other words,
perhaps maybe jealousy of youmake you into less.
Growth is important and everyonegrows at their own pace, and
I've shared this before, Ibelieve, on air, but I have told
(20:51):
one of our children for a whilenow that people are going to
love you and people are going tohate you for your talent.
Let my voice and your dad'svoice be the loudest voices that
you hear, because we love youthe most and we have your best
interest at heart.
That is why and it's been sucha it's really come into play
(21:11):
this year, and I think you knowour son really understands it
and I hate to have to say it,but that is the truth of the
world.
I mean it really is, especially, you know, in various arenas.
It could be sports, it could behow smart somebody is.
You know it could be with theirjob.
You just, I think, if you havethat mindset, in other words,
(21:33):
listen to the people who you'reclosest to and who know and love
you best, yeah, and also letyour own voice be louder than
theirs Absolutely, that's yeahgreat point to add Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah, and we have the choice to be the one that's in
control.
Here's one how about speak withpurpose every day?
You know that doesn't mean thatwe can't be goofing around and
have a good time like we were alittle bit ago.
But, you know, be intentionalin our speech to others.
Make sure that what we'resaying represents who we are,
(22:07):
like I said earlier.
But also make sure that ifsomeone needs kindness, that
that's what we do.
That's what we're sayingrepresents who we are, like I
said earlier, but also make surethat if someone needs kindness,
that that's what we do, that'swhat we give.
Make sure that, if we need tohave that conversation with
someone, that we're veryintentional about it.
Make sure our words really dorepresent who we are in the
conversations that we need tohave throughout the day.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
I think that's so important too.
Yeah, I love that.
Speak with purpose.
The words we say do matter,because it's not true, sticks
and stones break your bones.
Sure, words do hurt, they reallycan hurt.
They have the power to breathelife or take it away.
They truly do, and so that'swhy I love.
(22:47):
I mean, I guess I'm full ofquotes today, but the movie
Wonder, my favorite quote fromthere, given the choice between
being right and being kind,always choose kind, because it
is a choice.
You know you can be happy andsad at the same time, and then I
hope that the you know, youkind of move past the sadness
and you move toward happiness.
It's, it really is a choice.
(23:08):
You know, today, today, I was ata candy place with my youngest
son and I was taking him toexperience this place for the
first time, where you get yourown little box of candy, you
just handpick it, and the ladybehind the counter was just
really, really grumpy.
I happen to know that she'solder and is the owner.
I happen to know that she'solder and is the owner, and so I
(23:30):
just gave extra smiles andextra oh, it's okay.
She actually forgot part ofwhat I ordered and I had to go
back 20 minutes later and go getit.
Once I noticed it and that wasokay and I feel like, maybe
because I was so kind to herthat when I came back the second
time she actually then seemedlike a total different person,
(23:54):
very, very kind.
Who knows, maybe she was hangry, maybe she I don't know what it
was but something about I waslike nope, nothing is going to
ruin this first experience formy son and I.
So I am just going to keepsmiling like this and, oh, I'm
sorry, I must have misunderstoodyou know just one of those
things, but I do think that youcan be kind, and I actually
(24:17):
think that's really one of thetrue tests of humility is when
you are asked to be kind tosomeone who hasn't been kind to
you or to serve someone whohasn't been kind to you.
I've had to do that.
I know how hard that is, andsometimes I'm like nope, not
doing that.
(24:38):
Did you see how they treated me?
Are you kidding me right now?
And it's like fine, that's whatyou want me to do, and I have
done it because that is my heart, and so that's.
I guess that was a long way ofsaying yes, speak with purpose,
because it really does have thepower to breathe life.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Yeah, you know well, you can fight with kindness.
I guess too.
I can remember when I hadbullies in school and my mom had
told me the best way to fightpeople who are trying to be
unkind to you is just, you know,be kind back.
And they just don't even knowwhat to do with it sometimes
(25:21):
because they realize, wait asecond, I mean you're supposed
to be unkind back, and so thenit's going to be this back and
forth.
But if we just go in withkindness and intent then and
choose our words very carefully,then we get a different result
loud and I think it shuts down avariety of people.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I think it shuts down the narcissists.
I think it can shut down thebullies.
I think just nothing, sayingabsolutely nothing, is another
(26:02):
huge piece of self-care, isanother huge piece of growth, is
another huge piece of speakingwith purpose, because silence
speaks so loudly.
That's my opinion.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
No, I do that, I've done it, and it's really hard.
I'm learning, it is really hardbut it works.
It does work and if you wait itout and trust the process which
is what I always say it reallydoes.
When you get on the other sideof it and it's like, wow, I mean
, that worked.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think you feel more empowered
and stronger.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Oh, absolutely.
You get more accomplished withless words.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yeah, it's true, it absolutely is true.
Plus, you're not giving someonewhat they want.
You know the other persontypically wants a fight in a
fight, and so you just shut itdown.
They're like, well, crap.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
It's also giving them your more time, more energy.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Yeah, listen, your peace is worth protecting.
I'll say it a hundred times, itreally truly is.
You don't have to engage withthat.
You can walk away and you'rethe bigger person by doing so.
Well, as we're talking aboutI'll preach it as we're talking
about feelings, I think weshouldn't be our feelings.
(27:16):
However, I struggle with thisone, I know, even though I know
feelings are indicators, notdictators.
I am a big feeler.
That is how I am hardwired.
I don't know how to separatethat, because when I feel so
strongly about something, Idon't know how to not act on
(27:44):
that.
Some of those feelings arevalid and need to be acted upon,
and some of them are not, and Ineed to wait it out and trust
the process and remember what Iknow to be true.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Yeah, that's a hard one for me too, because they're
so enmeshed, I mean, andsometimes it really is.
Is this how I'm feeling, or isthis a fact, or is this what I
really should do, or is myfeelings just telling me that
this is what I should do?
So, yeah, I mean, I have thisall the time, but I'm getting,
(28:22):
I'm pretty good at it, but Istill really mess up a lot.
I think we do all the time.
You know, if I listen to myfeelings, for one thing it would
be a lie, and I've had tointentionally ignore that.
I'm scared and do it anyway.
And I've had to ignore howsomeone has made me feel and do
(28:46):
what I need to do anyway.
And I've had to put my feelingsaside many times to accomplish
the things that mean the most tome.
My feelings aside many times toaccomplish the things that mean
the most to me, and for somereason, our feelings just want
to stand in the way of oursuccess.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Unfortunately, that's so good.
You know, I've been thinking alot this week about I think it
goes with this about acceptingan apology I do deserve and I'll
never get.
About accepting an apology I dodeserve and I'll never get.
And it's so interesting to mehow I don't even know how to
(29:19):
really word it how I've beenable to forgive a family member
in my life for something long,long, long, long, long ago that
this person will never apologizefor, and I've just accepted
that and moved past it and, youknow, got help from the
experience.
But some of the things that aremore fresh right now are a lot
harder to do that with.
In other words, I haven't beenable to do that yet, and so I'm
(29:42):
hoping to be able to get to thatpoint because I don't want to
keep looking backwards.
I'm not going that way, youknow.
I want to want to keep lookingbackwards.
I'm not going that way, youknow.
I want to be able to moveforward.
And so I'm like, why do thesefeelings keep coming up?
I mean, I'm happy that thesepeople are out of my life.
I just I think that it's nevereasy to know that you've been
(30:03):
backstabbed or blindsided, thatI would never do that to someone
, and so that kind of snake-likebehavior, as I refer to it,
really bothers me.
So you know, yeah, reallytrying to work through those
feelings and iron them out andfigure out okay, why am I still
(30:24):
thinking about this?
If I don't even want thesepeople in my life, how do I heal
from it then?
So yeah, this one is so trickyfor me.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Yeah, even as old as I am, you know, it is hard
sometimes to be able to separatethose things, and even recently
I've allowed my feelings todictate my actions and I get mad
at myself that I do that.
So I know it's difficult.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Well, I let my feelings get to me today.
When I went to that candy storeI was like, yes, I need to eat
five of these, two of these Ihad to try.
You know, I had to sample whatI got.
And then of course I'm likedang it.
I've been working really hardat monitoring my sugar intake
and of course I go and temptmyself by going to this candy
(31:24):
shop I was like, what are youdoing?
Speaker 2 (31:35):
And I've been really good.
I have cut sugar pretty muchout and I'm just I don't even
want it anymore.
So I mean, I'm proud of myselfabout that, I'm proud of you too
.
So on healthyplacecom they sayyou are what you decide you are
at any given moment, not how youfeel, not how you were raised.
Those are defaults, like thedefaults on a word processor,
and you can be overridden at anytime by conscious decision.
(31:57):
On some days your defaults maybe perfectly good because the
circumstances and your feelingsline up to make you act exactly
as you wish, but the rest of thetime you'll have to take over
the controls.
I just love this because I neverreally thought about those
being defaults.
(32:18):
You know, and I understand thatso well, because factory reset,
like most of the time, I don'twant to go back to factory reset
on my phone, on any of mydevices or anything.
Sometimes you have to and youhave no other choice.
Want to go back to factoryreset on my phone, on any of my
devices or anything.
Sometimes you have to and youhave no other choice but to go
back to factory default in orderto start from the beginning and
(32:38):
maybe work on some things fromthe beginning.
But I thought that that was socool.
It was like a really goodvisual to me and I want to be
the one that's taking over thecontrols.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
It makes me think of the movie Inside Out.
That's what I think of whenyou're talking about this.
That's all I can think of isthat movie and how the happy
balls come down and then the sadones and that's stored in
internal memory.
And then sadness.
In Inside Out 1, I think it washer.
(33:12):
She takes everything away andit resets and it makes a
completely different memory, forI can't think of her name in
the movie for the young girl.
But that's such a good exampleof words to describe that movie
for me and that's something thatI need to process because I've
(33:34):
never thought about it like thateither.
But here's what I would say,maybe like I don't know if it's
a caveat per se, I do think howyou act speaks volumes
consistently.
How you act speaks volumesconsistently.
Of course, room for errors,because none of us are perfect.
But if you told yourself I'mkind, but you are unkind on the
(34:07):
daily, well, that doesn't makeyou kind because you think you
are or you want to be.
You actually have to take stepsto be who you tell yourself
that you are, and I believe it'sa process.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I've actually been a little hard on my son right now
because he's into this thing nowwhere he does things
intentionally not nice and justsays sorry, oh, but I said sorry
, right.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
But it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
He'll say but mama, I really am sorry and I'm like
I'm sorry, buddy, but youractions are gonna speak a lot
louder than that sorry.
So we'll see, and you need tostop doing it.
If you really are sorry, thenyou really will stop.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
That is the key.
That's when you know if someonereally means that they are
sorry.
Is its behavior transformation?
Yes, you can't do the samething 20 times and say you're
sorry every time.
I don't buy it.
You have to do somethingdifferent.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
And I want him to learn that.
Sure, I mean, he really doesthink right now in his life that
if he says sorry, that it'serased, Right.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
That's just a step towards like reconciliation, but
it's not the be all, end all,and that's what I tell my kids
too.
I say you can say you're sorry.
It's up to the other personthat they want to forgive you or
not, and I hope that they do.
But that's just one step.
The next step is you do itdifferent the next time it comes
around, right, no?
So if you're pushing yourbrother over or you know you're
(35:38):
beating up your little brotherand you say, oh, I'm sorry
because you got caught, and yourlittle brother gets hurt,
that's it.
That's it Got caught.
You know that's.
You can't keep doing that andsaying you're sorry because
you're not, because you're notlearning from that, you're not
growing from that.
You have to have growth andchange In order for an apology.
I feel like to be a worthwhileone, a sincere one.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Right, and that goes all the way into adulthood?
Yes, it does, because I knowpeople that you know they're
mean, I'm sorry, they're mean,I'm sorry.
So no, and that's when we canchoose, that we don't have to
accept somebody's apology if weknow for sure that it's not
sincere.
Absolutely, absolutely.
(36:24):
This is one of my favorites.
Don't give up.
And you know, I just got toread a book from a woman who had
domestic abuse in her past andshe's actually going to be on
the podcast soon.
But this is a quote and I'mtelling you what this hit me so
hard and I want to read thisevery single day.
(36:44):
I think I'm going to hang it upin my house.
Pain is temporary.
Our percentage of making itthrough tough days is 100%, so
we're going to be able to makeit to the next time.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Yes, I've always, always, always, I should say in
the last decade of my life, I'vetold myself pain is temporary,
you know we were not guaranteedthat we were going to feel no
pain physical, mental, emotional, spiritual in this lifetime
here.
But even when I was giving birthto my children, I had them all
(37:21):
by C-section and I can tell youthat each one was more painful.
I don't know why.
I'm told it's kind of how itgoes and I wouldn't take any
narcotics for it because offamily history of addiction.
And I just remember tellingmyself over and over and over,
as I'm writhing and crying inabsolute agony, that pain is
(37:41):
temporary.
And so, yes, did it take me acouple of extra days to heal
than it would have someone whotook the narcotics?
Yeah, it didn't.
They told me that, but I did it.
I knew it was temporary and Iknew that I made it the day
before.
So I'm going to make it todaybecause I knew each day it was
going to get better.
So, yes, absolutely love it.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
Love that quote.
You know, on the other side ofthat, with a C-section, I had a
hysterectomy when I was 30 yearsold.
That's young.
Yes, you know my personality,tina, when they tell me that I
need to rest that's, yeah,what's happening.
right, it's not happening.
So the the I mean there aretimes in our life and this is a
(38:27):
good one to know when we need torest, because and listen to
that I got up, I got home, I hadfriends come visit me there
were like three of them and theywanted to go on a walk without
me and I was like I'm going, thefear of missing out kicked in.
(38:49):
I was we walked for a whilearound the block and all this
stuff.
And the next day and the nextday I had just come home from a
hysterectomy which back then wasjust like a C-section and you
know you're cut from the bellydown and wow.
(39:11):
But anyway, that's one for methat I need to know.
Your body's telling you thatyou need to rest.
So, because I'm not really goodat that, the other day I was so
busy into everything andsomebody said to me and I said,
yeah, I got this and this andthis and this.
And they said, well, if youdidn't have that, what would you
(39:31):
do?
I'd be like oh, yeah mm-hmm.
Yeah, maybe I'd still fill myday up with things that I needed
to do.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Yeah, that's true.
That is true.
I am really trying to make resta priority for me.
I am really trying to make resta priority for me.
I'm really listening to my body, especially because I don't
know where I read this from, butmyself and some of my friends
are entering perimenopause andit's kind of messing with our
(40:04):
bodies and maybe our minds evena little bit.
And so also I do take anxietymedication.
I've been on it for the lastyear and it's been great, but
sometimes it also just I'm justtired, just plain tired, and
I've just read a little bitabout that, how it can make you.
All of those combinations ofthings can make you feel more
(40:25):
tired, and sometimes you justsimply need more rest, and so
I've been trying to do that andnot feeling guilty about it.
You know, sometimes I just needit, I can't really help it.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
Everything on this list are things that we just
could do, and probably should do, for ourselves and not feel
guilty about it, because they'reall for us, absolutely, and
we're just a better person.
You know, one of the thingsthat I want to do is not look
further than what is right infront of me, because, you know,
(40:57):
being present, yes, and theproblem sometimes, or whatever
it is that I or we want toaccomplish, you know, many times
we want to look at it as thebigger picture, and many times
I've done that in my life and itcomes across too hard to tackle
and I have to break it down andmake it so I can see it to
(41:18):
achieve it.
You know, see it to achieve it,which, by the way, I made up.
That's a good one, I know, butit's true, if you can't see how
to get there, that you're sooverwhelmed, and so I'll break
it down until it just is likethe step in front of me, just
(41:38):
the very next one, and then thenext one, and I do that, and
then I figure out what I have todo and it will normally write
itself, and I think that that'ssuch a good lesson that it will
normally write itself.
So we don't have to look at thebigger picture because if we
break it down, it truly willwrite itself.
(42:00):
But I can tell you, if that youare looking at the entire thing
, it's too overwhelming and youprobably won't get anything done
.
Plus, when you are doing life,it is done in steps anyway.
We never achieve anything thatlarge or anything in life
basically in its entirety.
That's a great point.
Yeah, I mean looking ateverything as a stepping stone
(42:22):
and you realize that it's just astep to the very next thing
that we have to do anyway on ourjourney.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
That's a lot to take in right there.
That was great, ann.
Geez, we could put that wholething on a quote magnet.
I don't know that it would fit,but we could.
So good, I don't think I'veever thought about it quite like
that.
You know, you read thedifferent things that say just
one step at a time, next step wetalked about that earlier in
(42:53):
the podcast.
But when you sit down and thinkabout how life is done in steps
, yeah, or stages, you knowhowever you want to call it
Seasons, yeah, everything.
I just feel like how you put ittogether makes perfect sense,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
I think that that really helps and you know, and
it's really good to have avision board and that's one
thing that could be taskoriented a little bit, but for
you to be able to see what youwant to do and break it down in
steps actually really does help.
You know, if I need help, I'mgoing to ask for help more often
and Tina, I know you know mereally well and I don't ask for
(43:34):
help.
I don't know how to ask forhelp, so I'm going to
intentionally try to ask forhelp more often this year.
Speaker 1 (43:44):
Well, I think that's such a great goal, I think
that's so good, and this isanother one where I struggle too
.
I don't often ask for help,like the day I showed up at your
door just a complete, absolutesobbing mess, and really is how
we reconnected, I would say.
Speaker 2 (43:59):
We were doing the podcast and everything up till
then, but we were stillconnected.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
But maybe at a deeper level.
That's what I mean.
But you know that if I'mshowing up or I'm asking for
help, that it's something thatis really serious for me, that
I'm really, really strugglingwith.
But it shouldn't always take toget to the struggle point, the
breaking point, to ask for thatkind of help.
(44:27):
You know, point the breakingpoint.
To ask for that kind of help,you know, because I would want
to give that to anybody who'syou know in my close circle, or
you know any neighbor, any.
You know I'm ready and willingto help however I can, and so I
find it interesting that I feelthat way, but yet it's hard for
me to reach out and ask for help.
I don't know what.
I think it makes me feel likeI'm weak, but I don't really
(44:49):
feel that way.
So I don't really know why it'sso hard to ask for that.
Speaker 2 (44:54):
My tolerance for taking on everything, all the
pain, everything of the day,whatever it is, is so high.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Yeah, maybe you're right, maybe that is what it is.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
Yeah, I think and I learned that as a little kid.
So I think and I think that youdid too, I think people that
oftentimes have gone throughdifferent traumas whatever it is
, you know, it's relative toeverybody that it in some ways
can teach you to allow yourselfto continue to take things on,
(45:28):
in some ways can teach you toallow yourself to continue to
take things on, and I mean it'snot necessarily a bad thing, but
in some respects it can be.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
Right, right.
I mean I think we should alllearn how to ask for help,
because at some point in ourlives we're all going to need it
.
Yeah Well, the next one thatyou're ready to talk about is
one of my favorites.
I am a lifelong this.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
Learner yes, learn.
Go into each day trying tolearn something.
Work your mind, stretchyourself.
You know I'm currentlyhomeschooling my son and I'm
having a blast with him.
I am so glad that we're doingthis and he is so smart and no
matter what comes up if we don'tknow it, if I can't answer his
(46:08):
question, he's like look it up,look it up.
So I am just loving learningwith him.
Speaker 1 (46:15):
I love that too.
You know, I feel like we'regoing to get a lot of people
balking at this.
I love relearning math from myoldest son.
Oh, geez, yes, oh, I love, love, love it.
I mean, I don't particularlylove geometry by any stretch,
but I love that it's somethingthat you know he cares so much
about and I can go through it.
So I am a lifelong learner.
(46:37):
My personality is the type fiveinvestigator to just around the
holidays during my childhood andhow difficult I made certain
traditions for my parentsbecause I was so inquisitive and
I just wanted to know the whysand the answers and I wanted to
(46:59):
investigate and just kind of digdeeper.
So this has always been me Ilove, love, love, love learning.
I remember my grandpa, before hepassed, said that I would have
been a great lawyer, or I wouldbe a great, not maybe not a
lawyer, but a paralegal, theperson that really helps the
lawyer Maybe that's not evenwhat they're called, I don't
even know but the person whoreally helps get all of the meat
(47:23):
and potatoes for the lawyerready, you know, does all the
research and all of that type ofthing, or a detective.
I feel like I'd be a gooddetective, but I don't want to
have to do part of the job ofyou know, knocking on the door
and saying, I'm sorry to say,you know that type of thing, but
I love, love, love learning,even if it's just random stuff
or something worthwhile, or howto do a home project or how to
(47:46):
create something you know like.
Today I saw something on acraft site and I was like I
totally want to make this and myneighbor gave me some craft
material to be able to do it andI was able to do it even better
than I think the photo, becauseI used all of the parts to this
candy cane project to make.
(48:08):
I was making a Grinch hand and Ithought it turned out great.
I just I used everything and Iwas so proud of myself and I
mean I burnt my fingers to anabsolute crisp with the glue gun
, but other than that it turnedout great.
So I learning makes me so, so,so happy.
If you couldn't tell, I love it.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
It does me too.
I mean I think that that fuelsme and I'm constantly doing
things to make me stretch andyou know it's so fun.
I mean I guess it's a way ofnot being stagnant, true.
Speaker 1 (48:43):
And I'm slowly trying to learn my Spanish again by
the app Babble.
That's fun, oh, okay.
Yeah, I'm just very, veryslowly Like the basics.
I still have them down, likethey're ingrained, so I'm
looking forward to moving on tosome more intermediate stuff.
And why?
I don't have the answer of whyI just I've always wanted to be
bilingual.
So no time like the present, Ihave no reason for it.
(49:05):
I just want to be able to say Ican.
Speaker 2 (49:08):
You know we're learning Spanish, my son and I
again.
I got a D minus barely passedit when I took it in high school
.
Speaker 1 (49:18):
I don't even believe that.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
I could barely speak English appropriately, let alone
take on a different language,and plus I didn't care.
I just didn't care, I justdidn't care.
So I mean I so, but I'm havingfun with him because it's just a
really different perspective.
You know, when you're workingwith somebody and this is my son
(49:40):
in particular, because there'scertain times you were talking
about your son with geometry andmy son and we're doing math
together and we're doing all ofthese things, and I know what
subjects he's great in and whatsubjects he's not, because then
I find myself having to workharder than him.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
Oh, oh yeah, oh my gosh.
Yes, it took me an hour and 40minutes to figure out three math
problems.
Because, well, first of all, Ididn't know how to find the area
of a triangle, so I had to lookthat up.
And then I was like, well, howdo you find the area of a
parallelogram?
And then, well, how do you findthe two?
And then you have to divide it,and how do you?
It took me that long, yeah.
Speaker 2 (50:19):
I couldn't remember, and that's that's good, because
you're really trying to help himlearn.
But I'm taking this also inlife, when you are working
harder than somebody else in therelationship, oh, yes, okay, it
just started making me think.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
When you're working harder than somebody else, don't
yeah, yeah, I've, I've, yeah,I've gone through that too,
where you know, sometimes itmakes me sad to think that I've
been used by some people Likehow did I not see it?
You know, I really was givingit my best.
I don't, I don't understand,and you know it's it is.
(51:01):
It's just another good reminderof knowing who you are, what
you will and won't stand for,and picking yourself back up and
trying again next time.
But yeah, you're right Now.
I know relationships goodrelationships, healthy ones can
ebb and flow.
You know they can ebb and flowbecause maybe one person becomes
(51:24):
just too busy, or like me, withmy life right now, with my
children and my husband and youknow sports schedule and I work
and I take care of my sick momonce or twice a week.
That's pretty all-consumingright there.
It doesn't leave a whole lot ofexactly anything else, but I'm
still trying to give it ahundred percent, even if it's
with a quick call or a quicktext or a quick little gift or a
quick get together.
(51:45):
You know I'm planning intoJanuary and February to see a
friend of mine, my best friendfrom high school, who I haven't
seen in five, six months.
It's just hard.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
Yeah, it really is, but when somebody, they are
really not, and maybe I'm givingthem something or I'm helping
them out in a certain area oftheir life, and it's a continual
thing, and I find myselfworking much harder trying to
help them through it and they'rejust not trying to get there.
(52:18):
Yeah, it's just time to call it.
I mean, it just made me thinkof that when I was thinking
about it, actually when I wasworking really hard with him,
and he's like, oh, look at this,look at this, he's just messing
around, and I realized, hey,buddy, I'm working harder than
you and I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
Right, right.
I've told my kids before I'vealready completed this grade
long ago, so this is on you now.
I'm here to help, but you haveto put in the work and it was
hard for me to learn.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
I mean, I had to teach myself how to learn.
So, because of how muchlearning meant to me, I made
sure that I taught myself.
Nobody was going to tell me youcan't learn, You're not going
to graduate high school it waslike, yeah, well, you wait and
see.
So that's what I mean.
I just couldn't get anundergrad, I had to get a
(53:12):
master's degree.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
So there, you really showed everyone.
I don't know if you know this,but I learned this today.
Speaking of learning, albertEinstein didn't talk until he
was about four years old.
Yes, albert Einstein didn'ttalk until he was about four
years old.
Yes, but bigger than that.
(53:37):
He was told he got a letterfrom school and he couldn't read
it, and so he asked his mom canyou read this to me?
Well, she didn't read what itreally said.
She read to him that thisletter says that the teachers
are not able to teach you inschool because you're too smart.
They don't know how to teachyou because you're so smart.
She said so we'll have to finda different way to educate you.
(54:00):
Well, it was only after hismother had passed that Albert
Einstein found the letter, andwhat the letter really said was
your son is too dumb to learnand he is not welcome in school.
Find another way to teach him,even Albert Einstein.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
So, first of all, the messages that we hear is what
we believe about ourselves.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
And that's why I was just going to say I love that
the mom protected him.
She kept that secret with her,took it to her grave and she
said in oh, the most importantpart, I think, of that letter is
she told him that it saidyou're going to change the world
and make it a better place, andyou believe he did make it a
(54:47):
better place.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
And you believe he did.
That's so beautiful.
Well, yeah, yeah, that isabsolutely so beautiful.
I know when my kids wereyounger, before they could read,
and we would order Chinese foodand you get those cookies, oh
fortune cookies.
Yeah, fortune cookie.
With the thing inside.
They would say what does minesay?
And I would read their name andsay you're going to be the most
(55:08):
amazing person in the world.
And they'd be like is that whatit really says?
And I'd be like, yes, you know.
But eventually they read and Ican't do that anymore.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
But it was fun when you built into them.
You certainly built into themOkay.
So one of the things that Ilike to do to also better myself
is to go outside my comfortzone.
I like to conquer my fears.
That's why I did my climbingadventure this summer and it was
so, so, so great.
In fact, my hands are stillpeeling from it.
(55:39):
They started peeling a wholemonth after my rock climbing
adventure and I just found thatkind of funny.
So I love pushing yourself pastyour comfort zone, because that
is where you truly grow.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (55:52):
pool was that she said to me I'm just taking a
poll, do you think I shouldperform?
And I said yes.
(56:16):
So she did it to everybody elsein the family and so I was
thinking about it and I was likeshe really is trying to figure
this out if she should do this.
So I asked her and we worked itthrough.
I'm so glad that I picked up onthat because we actually sat
down, had a conversation, that Ipicked up on that, because we
actually sat down, had aconversation and we talked about
the thing why she didn't wantto, why she did want to.
She was afraid that she wouldn'tsee us, she was afraid that she
(56:37):
would mess up, she was afraidall these eyes are on her and we
just talked about all of it.
And at the end of the day shewas like you know what?
I'm going to do it.
And I said I'm so proud of youbecause you're choosing to live
outside of your comfort zone andeven if you choose that you
can't do it or you don't want todo it, I'll say it that way.
I'm still proud of you becauseyou are really conquering a lot,
(57:01):
because this is a kid thatalways has to live outside of
her comfort zone.
So I was really proud of her.
Speaker 1 (57:08):
I'm really proud of her too.
I love how you helped her getthere.
I do, whether the outcome wasthis way or another way.
I love that you really talkedit out and she was able to get
there, and I hope that she'sable to go through with it,
because I really think you dogrow once you conquer those
fears.
It's okay to be afraid.
It means you can.
Speaker 2 (57:29):
Yeah, what if, every day this year, we take time to
find something that we can growon?
Maybe read a quote, maybe readsome pages in a book, pick up
that project that you've beenwanting to pick up for years.
You know?
Maybe just sitting by yourself,just finding that calm.
Maybe find that group of peoplethat you've really wanted to
connect with.
They're writing a journal.
Everyone has something thatthey've put off and they really
(57:51):
want to do.
Speaker 1 (57:53):
Oh, yes, I'm getting the ball rolling on mine.
I've wanted to do somethingwith all of my quotes that I've
collected, and so I'm startingto get something in the works
for that, because I've beenthinking about that very thing.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
The next one I have is enjoy.
You know, so many things are sotask-oriented and we were
talking about that earlier but Ithink some of the things that I
do, I just do.
My kids were just telling methat there was a countdown to
something that they're reallylooking forward to and I was
(58:27):
like, are you kidding me?
I can't believe that that'salready here.
And so life just goes so fastand we have to remember to enjoy
the long way.
Speaker 1 (58:38):
Yes, we have to stop, we have to be present and we
have to enjoy the moments andmaybe even write them down so we
don't forget, because I knowour memories can deceive us at
times.
And I think that's you know.
We're planning a trip here andI'm so looking forward to it
because I just want to enjoyeverything about it from start
(58:58):
to finish.
It's not a completely plannedout trip.
If you will.
It's going to be kind of one ofthe let's fly by the seat of
our pants for some of this andsee how it goes, because I think
that it will be the mostremembered trip that we'll be
able to do with our kids.
So you need to take the time toenjoy.
Life truly is too short and wereally need to enjoy.
Speaker 2 (59:20):
Well amen sister friend.
Speaker 1 (59:24):
Well, thank you all for listening.
I hope that we have inspiredyou, and we would love to hear
what your resolution or goal isfor the coming year.
So, if you would like, you canalways shoot us an email or you
could reply on our Facebook page.
We would love to hear it.
Speaker 2 (59:41):
Thank you for showing up again for us and we will
continue to show up for you.
We love doing this journey withyou.
Thank you so much and we willsee you next time.
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
I am Tina.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
And I am Anne.
You know, at the beginning ofevery year we all make
resolutions and it is like walkevery day, lose 20 pounds, and
it's very task-oriented andsometimes, just because it is a
task, something we don't want todo, we really have a hard time
doing it past one month, but ifwe just do some key things, it
(00:35):
actually will lead to the sameresults without us even
realizing that it's a task.
That would be really something,huh.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Yeah it would.
I fall into that category.
I get so excited and yeah, I'mgoing to do this and I'm going
to do this, and I do it for awhile.
It's like I'm good for three orfour weeks and then I fall off
some way somehow.
And getting back up is thebiggest struggle.
And I know it's supposed to besimple just start, but that can
(01:03):
be so hard.
I don't understand why, but Ido feel like we talked about
this book before.
It is James Clear.
The book is Atomic Habits andhe talks a lot about this very
thing.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
You know we all have things that we need to change.
You know, when we go into theyear, we make a kind of like
this self-analysis and we go,yeah, I need to change this, I
need to do this.
And you know we all do so.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
I think going into any new year or any new day
actually, that we can genuinelysay we need to change something
that will make us a betterperson.
My eight-year-old just theother day said that he has goals
that he has set for himself andI won't share them because some
of them are personal, you know,for him.
(01:47):
But it was really cute how hesaid it.
He sounded like a little manand I said, well, I don't know
of these goals, will you sharethem with me?
And so he did and I thoughtthese are really good goals.
So the next step after that iseveryone I think probably knows
is you have to do the next step.
You know the next first step,so we'll see if we can get there
(02:10):
and how long it lasts.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Well, we do have a list and I actually really love
these and you know, they reallyare the kind of it's the kind of
list that you don't evenrealize you're doing it, if you
just allow yourself to try to beyour best.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Well, I think that something that's really
important for all of us isputting self-care, our own
selves, at the top of the list,because if we can't help
ourselves, we are not able tohelp others.
It's that whole analogy of ifyou're on a plane and you need
to put your gas mask, don't dothat.
(02:49):
If you need to put your oxygenmask on first.
You know they say, put it onfirst because you have to help
yourself before you can helpsomeone else.
I can tell you that I amentering a season of feeling
just completely overwhelmed andshutting down, and I don't.
I think part of it is justbecause of the holiday season
(03:12):
being here, but part of it isjust you know some of the hard
parts of life that happened toso many of us.
And don't worry, if it hasn'thappened to you yet, it will.
That's what a wise woman has.
My counselor has always said tome if you, if it hasn't
happened to you yet, don't worry, it will.
Hard times you've got toexclude, but I think that the
very first thing is youSelf-care is not selfish.
(03:35):
And going along those lines, Igot to read something that I
found earlier today, actuallyfrom Morgan Harper Nichols, and
there are a couple of thingsthat she said.
So one of the things is shesays you are worthy of the same
kind words and considerationthat you would give to others.
(03:55):
I think that's pretty powerful.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Yeah, you know, I often wonder why I talk to
myself and we've actually talkedabout this on the podcast
before but I've actuallywondered why I've talked to
myself so much, worse than Iwould allow anybody else to talk
to myself, or I would be like,wait a second, they just said.
But you know, sometimes I findmyself talking like that to
myself.
But I love this because youknow so many times, especially
(04:22):
as a mom and you know what thisis like, tina, that we put
ourselves last and I just did apodcast with someone and all
this stuff was happening to her.
It was really awful stuff andsomeone asked her how it
affected her and she hadn't eventhought about it.
I mean, she had thought abouteverybody else, but not how it
affected her.
(04:43):
And we often make sureeverybody else is okay and then
we think, wait, am I okay?
And most of the time I don'teven think I asked that question
.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I think it's a good one to ask, and I'll tell you
where this really applies, atleast personally and in lots of
interviews that I have donethroughout my career, lots of
interviews that I have donethroughout my career and it
would be in the addiction arena.
So, when I was growing up, mybrother now I'm older than my
brother, but he is an addict andhe was a recovering addict at
(05:21):
one point, but he is again anaddict and when I still lived at
home, nobody ever thought howit impacted me, and it wasn't
until that's so interesting,yeah, nobody.
And even when I brought it tothe attention of my parents, you
know, maybe a year, two years,I can't even remember the
timeframe but sometime laterthey were like wow, I never even
(05:42):
thought about that because theywere so consumed with the
addict, and so there were somany layers that I, as a sibling
, dealt with.
I mean, I basically didn't havemy mom and dad for a whole year
.
Now, granted, I was older and,you know, in my early 20s, but
you still want your familyaround, you know.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Everybody that's involved.
When somebody is in, you knowthe thick of addiction.
Everybody's sick Right and itis a family disease.
It is.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Yeah, but I think some families don't realize that
, and so that's what I wanted tosay is that's the?
When you said that, that is,what I thought about was yes,
I've been there where I was like, am I okay?
No, I'm not okay, but nobodyelse could see that I wasn't
okay.
Yeah, that's an interesting one.
(06:33):
I wanted to go back to theMorgan Harper Nichols.
Some of the quotes that I'veread from her, because she talks
about these are what she callsher things to remember this
December, and this was anotherpowerful one for me.
And it said being yourselfshould never have to mean being
by yourself, and you are free totake small shifts toward
(06:54):
discovering what supportivespaces could look like in a way
that leads to meaningfulconnection.
I think that's a good self-careone too.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
It is because you're being intentional, you know I
love that's a good self-care onetoo.
It is because you're beingintentional, you know, I love
that.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
And basically to me, it speaks to my heart If someone
is making you uncomfortable anddisturbing your peace, you
don't have to be around thatDon't Find your people.
It's so true we need our tribe,which then goes into.
I love how she also said theprogress you have already made,
no matter how small, areintegral parts of your growth.
(07:31):
That deserves a big amen, Ithink.
And she ends it up with.
She ends with give yourselfpermission to add your own
health and well-being to thelist of things you care about.
We absolutely should care aboutus, because people depend on
and love us and same wereciprocate that, and so we
really do matter.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
That's why it's even first on our list, because we
need to take care of us first,because if we don't, and we need
to know when to weed people out, when not to let people in, and
that's really important becausepeople can be life-sucking and
if we go into things and we'vehad our life sucked out of us,
(08:16):
you know we're never our bestself, so, and we'll know, we
will absolutely know when wefeel drained and when somebody
is doing that, contributing tothat.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, pay attention to how you feel around people,
yes, and how you make otherpeople feel.
I mean, in being all fair, Imean, yeah, that's good, but why
no?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
just kidding.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Yeah, well, at the end of the day, what does it
really matter?
It doesn't matter.
They could leave whatever Justkidding, I mean, that's a valid
point too.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Yeah, but I mean it does go both ways.
I mean you're absolutely right,we do need to be very
conscientious about how we makeother people feel and we need to
be intentional about it.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
When you think about the new year, what else are you
thinking of?
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Well, I think that we need to be, or we could be, the
person that you respect.
And I just absolutely love thisone, because if you go to sleep
every day knowing that youreflect who you want to reflect,
then that's awesome.
(09:29):
But I know that there arethings that we face and can say,
geez, I really shouldn't havedone that, or I really shouldn't
have said that, or maybe Ishould have reached out to this
person, or maybe I shouldn'thave said that swear word or
whatever you know.
I mean, we really need to lookat ourselves and say are we
(09:49):
really reflecting who we are andbe the person that we would
respect?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
You know, just kind of a funny thing, but it goes
with what you're saying is Iread something recently that it
was kind of like, I guess, a digat someone if they were not
being very kind to you and youcould say well, I hope that you
get the same treatment that yougive to others, or I hope that
you're treated the same way youtreat others.
(10:19):
But it's true, it's true.
If you're giving that out,would you want to be on the
receiving end?
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
I have this mind.
That normally goes to being asmart you know what, and so I.
But what I think and what I sayare completely different things
.
Right, I am thinking a lot, I'msaying, oh you know, and being
really sweet about it a lot oftimes.
(10:51):
So I mean, but it's onlybecause I really do want to
reflect who I really am.
And that comes down to that oneyou had said in a podcast
recently about yeah, I wouldtreat you the way that you're
treating me, but it's not in mycharacter.
Right, yeah, Because we want toreflect who we really are.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Right and we don't want other people to change us.
We're going to come acrosscrappy people and yeah, I think
so many of us have but no,you're not going to change who I
am just because of who you are,and I think that's actually one
of the most important things toremember, that it's so
important to know that usually Iwould say the overwhelming
(11:32):
majority of the time the waythat someone treats you is a
reflection of them, not you.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Absolutely 100%.
Or you and I were talkingbefore we came on and I shared a
story with you, and sometimessomebody really might just be
having a bad day and it's justin the moment, right, and
sometimes just being kind back.
You know, and I have learnedthis so many times and this has
(11:59):
been a really good lesson to meto wait it out, sure, before you
do anything or say anything.
Wait it out, because most ofthe time, things will resolve
themselves just because of time,and maybe it was just a moment
in time, but if there's apattern, then you have to look
at that also.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, I think that's important too.
Yeah, I can't remember thequote I had read too.
It was along those lines and itdid talk about be mindful of
people's actions.
Basically, if they'rerepetitive, you know that's
showing their character.
But then someone actually madea good point about that, like,
what if you broke your arm, forexample, and you had to do
(12:43):
things differently because itwasn't healed yet, and they were
referring to?
Well, what if someone hasexperienced, just say, trauma,
who hasn't gotten help yet forit?
They were treated differently,and I liked that perspective
shift.
However, it doesn't change thefact that I don't think that's a
(13:04):
free pass to be an awful personand be rude.
I mean, we all have, you know,instances where that's happened.
We've had bad days.
I don't call them bad days, Icall them bad moments of the day
or hard moments.
But I think that the first stepis realizing, then that you
have a problem and you need toget that help for it.
(13:26):
And if you don't think you havea problem, therefore you're not
going to get help.
I think that's even worse,because you continue to treat
people like crap and you thinkit's okay, but it's not.
You know, it's not an excuse.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Right, yeah, I just recently you know my kids are
very real people and so we havethose conversations too, and I
don't want to give them a passjust because they have autism or
because they have trauma intheir life.
And I can remember you knowthis was a really long time ago,
but one of I don't even want tosay that somebody I know she
(14:05):
used her adoption as a reasonfor being bad at school and the
principal called the parent andsaid yeah, she's saying that the
reason why she's making thesebad choices is because she was
adopted, and it was just like no, we can't use those reasons as
to why that we are making badchoices Because, as we know,
(14:28):
things happen and it's up to usto decide how we're going to
handle it.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
Who wants to be a victim anyway?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I don't you know none of us should want to be a
victim.
We need to rise above.
Yeah, I love that.
Yes, and I have to.
We always have to doself-reflection, and so when
we're talking about beginnings,I mean this is a perfect time to
do that and to start working onsome of these things.
And being honest with ourselvesis also something that I think
(14:58):
that we need to do, and that canbe hard, but you also have to
give yourself grace in theprocess.
So don't be so hard on yourself, because really, what is
happening here is that we areall growing.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yeah, it's.
You know I think I've said itbefore grace in space.
You have said that.
Yeah, it's important toremember that too, and I
absolutely love self-reflection.
I just asked a friend recently,you know, what is it that you
love about me or not?
And you know she had heranswers and it was great.
(15:35):
I don't mind that kind of thingbecause I'm always trying to be
introspective and I want to bethe best version of myself and I
want to teach that to mychildren and generations to come
.
But not everybody is that way,and so it does make it a little
bit tricky when you know thatyou're trying to get to be the
best version of yourself.
But I feel like I've learnedsome of the hard people or just
(15:56):
kind of the awful people in mylife who have kind of come and
thankfully gone.
I feel like I'm really gratefulfor them too, because they have
taught me something very, veryvaluable.
They've taught me to bestronger.
They've taught me to know, helpme set better boundaries.
They have taught me to reallyjust be thankful for what is
(16:17):
real, what is in front of me,what matters the most.
So it's really put things intoa better perspective and at the
end of the day, I don't want anyof those people in my life.
Anyway, I don't have to beunkind.
And in Tupac's words I love this.
Read something that he said.
I just thought that is it.
Yes, that's what I'm talkingabout.
(16:37):
He said just because you'velost me as a friend doesn't mean
you've gained me as an enemy.
I want to see you eat, just notat my table.
And I thought that's me.
There are a lot of people thatI don't want you to eat at my
table.
But I wish you well.
(16:58):
I hope you still eat.
I hope you find your way andget better and become a better
person, but I don't want you atmy table.
Yeah, yeah, isn't that good?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I thought that was so good.
I think that I'm going to writethat down, I think so that's
really good I could.
It's something to live by as apass on.
It's okay to say that.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Yeah, it is.
You know, I think we can alwaysbe kind Sure and yes, are we
going to mess up?
Yes, Can we apologize?
Yes, does that always make itall better.
No, but here's the bottom lineis we don't all have to sit at
the same table.
Okay, if you have a toxic groupof people, no offense, I'm not
(17:47):
inviting you over to my table.
You sit there.
I hope you eat well, that'sfine, but you have some learning
and growing to do and you needto just stay over there.
You're not coming to my table,and I think that's okay.
If it disturbs your peace, letit go.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
You know, whenever we do these podcasts, I always
leave with something, and Ithink that that's one of the big
things I'm going to leave withyou know.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I love that.
It's been ruminating, you know,it's really helping me through
Instead of being so angry withpeople who have wronged you.
Yeah, I think if we just havethat perspective, listen, you go
sit over there and eat, and Ihope you do, just don't come
over here, and it's kind of likea boundaries thing, and I
(18:35):
really like it.
Well, I know, one of the otherthings that I think is next
important is being the creatorof who you want to be is next
important is being the creatorof who you want to be.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Yeah, I mean, that is so true and I absolutely love
that one.
I have, like, this vision boardand I have things on it that I
know that I really want to do,and you know, you're never too
old to become your best self, towork on yourself, to write your
own story, and we did a podcastthis year on writing your own
script or being the director ofyour play, and we talked about
choosing what train car that wewanted to ride in, and, yeah, it
(19:16):
was awesome.
We had a really great responsefrom that.
But you know, that is aboutchoice and we are the writers of
who we want to be every singleday of our lives.
And I think, too, that we oftensay you know, I'm 20 or 30 or 40
, whatever, and we have so muchtime, but in reality, we have
(19:38):
today and what are we going todo with it?
How do we want to represent?
What do we want to accomplish?
Who do we want to be in controlof our lives?
Who do we want to be at ourtable?
Who do we want to include?
You know, at the end of the day, where do we want to be, and it
doesn't have to betask-oriented at all.
It is just simple questions toourselves that will help us to
(20:00):
get there, without evenrealizing that that's what we're
doing.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
And when you talk about growth, I know that that
can trigger some people who arestagnant, and so being authentic
can trigger people who arewearing masks.
And so I just wanted to adddon't let anyone's comfort zone
hinder your growth andauthenticity.
(20:26):
Be uniquely you, as long as theyou is a good version.
I'm not saying go out and be anawful person.
I'm just saying don't let otherpeople's in other words,
perhaps maybe jealousy of youmake you into less.
Growth is important and everyonegrows at their own pace, and
I've shared this before, Ibelieve, on air, but I have told
(20:51):
one of our children for a whilenow that people are going to
love you and people are going tohate you for your talent.
Let my voice and your dad'svoice be the loudest voices that
you hear, because we love youthe most and we have your best
interest at heart.
That is why and it's been sucha it's really come into play
(21:11):
this year, and I think you knowour son really understands it
and I hate to have to say it,but that is the truth of the
world.
I mean it really is, especially, you know, in various arenas.
It could be sports, it could behow smart somebody is.
You know it could be with theirjob.
You just, I think, if you havethat mindset, in other words,
(21:33):
listen to the people who you'reclosest to and who know and love
you best, yeah, and also letyour own voice be louder than
theirs Absolutely, that's yeahgreat point to add Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah, and we have the choice to be the one that's in
control.
Here's one how about speak withpurpose every day?
You know that doesn't mean thatwe can't be goofing around and
have a good time like we were alittle bit ago.
But, you know, be intentionalin our speech to others.
Make sure that what we'resaying represents who we are,
(22:07):
like I said earlier.
But also make sure that ifsomeone needs kindness, that
that's what we do.
That's what we're sayingrepresents who we are, like I
said earlier, but also make surethat if someone needs kindness,
that that's what we do, that'swhat we give.
Make sure that, if we need tohave that conversation with
someone, that we're veryintentional about it.
Make sure our words really dorepresent who we are in the
conversations that we need tohave throughout the day.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
I think that's so important too.
Yeah, I love that.
Speak with purpose.
The words we say do matter,because it's not true, sticks
and stones break your bones.
Sure, words do hurt, they reallycan hurt.
They have the power to breathelife or take it away.
They truly do, and so that'swhy I love.
(22:47):
I mean, I guess I'm full ofquotes today, but the movie
Wonder, my favorite quote fromthere, given the choice between
being right and being kind,always choose kind, because it
is a choice.
You know you can be happy andsad at the same time, and then I
hope that the you know, youkind of move past the sadness
and you move toward happiness.
It's, it really is a choice.
(23:08):
You know, today, today, I was ata candy place with my youngest
son and I was taking him toexperience this place for the
first time, where you get yourown little box of candy, you
just handpick it, and the ladybehind the counter was just
really, really grumpy.
I happen to know that she'solder and is the owner.
I happen to know that she'solder and is the owner, and so I
(23:30):
just gave extra smiles andextra oh, it's okay.
She actually forgot part ofwhat I ordered and I had to go
back 20 minutes later and go getit.
Once I noticed it and that wasokay and I feel like, maybe
because I was so kind to herthat when I came back the second
time she actually then seemedlike a total different person,
(23:54):
very, very kind.
Who knows, maybe she was hangry, maybe she I don't know what it
was but something about I waslike nope, nothing is going to
ruin this first experience formy son and I.
So I am just going to keepsmiling like this and, oh, I'm
sorry, I must have misunderstoodyou know just one of those
things, but I do think that youcan be kind, and I actually
(24:17):
think that's really one of thetrue tests of humility is when
you are asked to be kind tosomeone who hasn't been kind to
you or to serve someone whohasn't been kind to you.
I've had to do that.
I know how hard that is, andsometimes I'm like nope, not
doing that.
(24:38):
Did you see how they treated me?
Are you kidding me right now?
And it's like fine, that's whatyou want me to do, and I have
done it because that is my heart, and so that's.
I guess that was a long way ofsaying yes, speak with purpose,
because it really does have thepower to breathe life.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Yeah, you know well, you can fight with kindness.
I guess too.
I can remember when I hadbullies in school and my mom had
told me the best way to fightpeople who are trying to be
unkind to you is just, you know,be kind back.
And they just don't even knowwhat to do with it sometimes
(25:21):
because they realize, wait asecond, I mean you're supposed
to be unkind back, and so thenit's going to be this back and
forth.
But if we just go in withkindness and intent then and
choose our words very carefully,then we get a different result
loud and I think it shuts down avariety of people.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I think it shuts down the narcissists.
I think it can shut down thebullies.
I think just nothing, sayingabsolutely nothing, is another
(26:02):
huge piece of self-care, isanother huge piece of growth, is
another huge piece of speakingwith purpose, because silence
speaks so loudly.
That's my opinion.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
No, I do that, I've done it, and it's really hard.
I'm learning, it is really hardbut it works.
It does work and if you wait itout and trust the process which
is what I always say it reallydoes.
When you get on the other sideof it and it's like, wow, I mean
, that worked.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think you feel more empowered
and stronger.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Oh, absolutely.
You get more accomplished withless words.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yeah, it's true, it absolutely is true.
Plus, you're not giving someonewhat they want.
You know the other persontypically wants a fight in a
fight, and so you just shut itdown.
They're like, well, crap.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
It's also giving them your more time, more energy.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Yeah, listen, your peace is worth protecting.
I'll say it a hundred times, itreally truly is.
You don't have to engage withthat.
You can walk away and you'rethe bigger person by doing so.
Well, as we're talking aboutI'll preach it as we're talking
about feelings, I think weshouldn't be our feelings.
(27:16):
However, I struggle with thisone, I know, even though I know
feelings are indicators, notdictators.
I am a big feeler.
That is how I am hardwired.
I don't know how to separatethat, because when I feel so
strongly about something, Idon't know how to not act on
(27:44):
that.
Some of those feelings arevalid and need to be acted upon,
and some of them are not, and Ineed to wait it out and trust
the process and remember what Iknow to be true.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Yeah, that's a hard one for me too, because they're
so enmeshed, I mean, andsometimes it really is.
Is this how I'm feeling, or isthis a fact, or is this what I
really should do, or is myfeelings just telling me that
this is what I should do?
So, yeah, I mean, I have thisall the time, but I'm getting,
(28:22):
I'm pretty good at it, but Istill really mess up a lot.
I think we do all the time.
You know, if I listen to myfeelings, for one thing it would
be a lie, and I've had tointentionally ignore that.
I'm scared and do it anyway.
And I've had to ignore howsomeone has made me feel and do
(28:46):
what I need to do anyway.
And I've had to put my feelingsaside many times to accomplish
the things that mean the most tome.
My feelings aside many times toaccomplish the things that mean
the most to me, and for somereason, our feelings just want
to stand in the way of oursuccess.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Unfortunately, that's so good.
You know, I've been thinking alot this week about I think it
goes with this about acceptingan apology I do deserve and I'll
never get.
About accepting an apology I dodeserve and I'll never get.
And it's so interesting to mehow I don't even know how to
(29:19):
really word it how I've beenable to forgive a family member
in my life for something long,long, long, long, long ago that
this person will never apologizefor, and I've just accepted
that and moved past it and, youknow, got help from the
experience.
But some of the things that aremore fresh right now are a lot
harder to do that with.
In other words, I haven't beenable to do that yet, and so I'm
(29:42):
hoping to be able to get to thatpoint because I don't want to
keep looking backwards.
I'm not going that way, youknow.
I want to want to keep lookingbackwards.
I'm not going that way, youknow.
I want to be able to moveforward.
And so I'm like, why do thesefeelings keep coming up?
I mean, I'm happy that thesepeople are out of my life.
I just I think that it's nevereasy to know that you've been
(30:03):
backstabbed or blindsided, thatI would never do that to someone
, and so that kind of snake-likebehavior, as I refer to it,
really bothers me.
So you know, yeah, reallytrying to work through those
feelings and iron them out andfigure out okay, why am I still
(30:24):
thinking about this?
If I don't even want thesepeople in my life, how do I heal
from it then?
So yeah, this one is so trickyfor me.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Yeah, even as old as I am, you know, it is hard
sometimes to be able to separatethose things, and even recently
I've allowed my feelings todictate my actions and I get mad
at myself that I do that.
So I know it's difficult.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Well, I let my feelings get to me today.
When I went to that candy storeI was like, yes, I need to eat
five of these, two of these Ihad to try.
You know, I had to sample whatI got.
And then of course I'm likedang it.
I've been working really hardat monitoring my sugar intake
and of course I go and temptmyself by going to this candy
(31:24):
shop I was like, what are youdoing?
Speaker 2 (31:35):
And I've been really good.
I have cut sugar pretty muchout and I'm just I don't even
want it anymore.
So I mean, I'm proud of myselfabout that, I'm proud of you too
.
So on healthyplacecom they sayyou are what you decide you are
at any given moment, not how youfeel, not how you were raised.
Those are defaults, like thedefaults on a word processor,
and you can be overridden at anytime by conscious decision.
(31:57):
On some days your defaults maybe perfectly good because the
circumstances and your feelingsline up to make you act exactly
as you wish, but the rest of thetime you'll have to take over
the controls.
I just love this because I neverreally thought about those
being defaults.
(32:18):
You know, and I understand thatso well, because factory reset,
like most of the time, I don'twant to go back to factory reset
on my phone, on any of mydevices or anything.
Sometimes you have to and youhave no other choice.
Want to go back to factoryreset on my phone, on any of my
devices or anything.
Sometimes you have to and youhave no other choice but to go
back to factory default in orderto start from the beginning and
(32:38):
maybe work on some things fromthe beginning.
But I thought that that was socool.
It was like a really goodvisual to me and I want to be
the one that's taking over thecontrols.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
It makes me think of the movie Inside Out.
That's what I think of whenyou're talking about this.
That's all I can think of isthat movie and how the happy
balls come down and then the sadones and that's stored in
internal memory.
And then sadness.
In Inside Out 1, I think it washer.
(33:12):
She takes everything away andit resets and it makes a
completely different memory, forI can't think of her name in
the movie for the young girl.
But that's such a good exampleof words to describe that movie
for me and that's something thatI need to process because I've
(33:34):
never thought about it like thateither.
But here's what I would say,maybe like I don't know if it's
a caveat per se, I do think howyou act speaks volumes
consistently.
How you act speaks volumesconsistently.
Of course, room for errors,because none of us are perfect.
But if you told yourself I'mkind, but you are unkind on the
(34:07):
daily, well, that doesn't makeyou kind because you think you
are or you want to be.
You actually have to take stepsto be who you tell yourself
that you are, and I believe it'sa process.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
I've actually been a little hard on my son right now
because he's into this thing nowwhere he does things
intentionally not nice and justsays sorry, oh, but I said sorry
, right.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
But it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
He'll say but mama, I really am sorry and I'm like
I'm sorry, buddy, but youractions are gonna speak a lot
louder than that sorry.
So we'll see, and you need tostop doing it.
If you really are sorry, thenyou really will stop.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
That is the key.
That's when you know if someonereally means that they are
sorry.
Is its behavior transformation?
Yes, you can't do the samething 20 times and say you're
sorry every time.
I don't buy it.
You have to do somethingdifferent.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
And I want him to learn that.
Sure, I mean, he really doesthink right now in his life that
if he says sorry, that it'serased, Right.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
That's just a step towards like reconciliation, but
it's not the be all, end all,and that's what I tell my kids
too.
I say you can say you're sorry.
It's up to the other personthat they want to forgive you or
not, and I hope that they do.
But that's just one step.
The next step is you do itdifferent the next time it comes
around, right, no?
So if you're pushing yourbrother over or you know you're
(35:38):
beating up your little brotherand you say, oh, I'm sorry
because you got caught, and yourlittle brother gets hurt,
that's it.
That's it Got caught.
You know that's.
You can't keep doing that andsaying you're sorry because
you're not, because you're notlearning from that, you're not
growing from that.
You have to have growth andchange In order for an apology.
I feel like to be a worthwhileone, a sincere one.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Right, and that goes all the way into adulthood?
Yes, it does, because I knowpeople that you know they're
mean, I'm sorry, they're mean,I'm sorry.
So no, and that's when we canchoose, that we don't have to
accept somebody's apology if weknow for sure that it's not
sincere.
Absolutely, absolutely.
(36:24):
This is one of my favorites.
Don't give up.
And you know, I just got toread a book from a woman who had
domestic abuse in her past andshe's actually going to be on
the podcast soon.
But this is a quote and I'mtelling you what this hit me so
hard and I want to read thisevery single day.
(36:44):
I think I'm going to hang it upin my house.
Pain is temporary.
Our percentage of making itthrough tough days is 100%, so
we're going to be able to makeit to the next time.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Yes, I've always, always, always, I should say in
the last decade of my life, I'vetold myself pain is temporary,
you know we were not guaranteedthat we were going to feel no
pain physical, mental, emotional, spiritual in this lifetime
here.
But even when I was giving birthto my children, I had them all
(37:21):
by C-section and I can tell youthat each one was more painful.
I don't know why.
I'm told it's kind of how itgoes and I wouldn't take any
narcotics for it because offamily history of addiction.
And I just remember tellingmyself over and over and over,
as I'm writhing and crying inabsolute agony, that pain is
(37:41):
temporary.
And so, yes, did it take me acouple of extra days to heal
than it would have someone whotook the narcotics?
Yeah, it didn't.
They told me that, but I did it.
I knew it was temporary and Iknew that I made it the day
before.
So I'm going to make it todaybecause I knew each day it was
going to get better.
So, yes, absolutely love it.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
Love that quote.
You know, on the other side ofthat, with a C-section, I had a
hysterectomy when I was 30 yearsold.
That's young.
Yes, you know my personality,tina, when they tell me that I
need to rest that's, yeah,what's happening.
right, it's not happening.
So the the I mean there aretimes in our life and this is a
(38:27):
good one to know when we need torest, because and listen to
that I got up, I got home, I hadfriends come visit me there
were like three of them and theywanted to go on a walk without
me and I was like I'm going, thefear of missing out kicked in.
(38:49):
I was we walked for a whilearound the block and all this
stuff.
And the next day and the nextday I had just come home from a
hysterectomy which back then wasjust like a C-section and you
know you're cut from the bellydown and wow.
(39:11):
But anyway, that's one for methat I need to know.
Your body's telling you thatyou need to rest.
So, because I'm not really goodat that, the other day I was so
busy into everything andsomebody said to me and I said,
yeah, I got this and this andthis and this.
And they said, well, if youdidn't have that, what would you
(39:31):
do?
I'd be like oh, yeah mm-hmm.
Yeah, maybe I'd still fill myday up with things that I needed
to do.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
Yeah, that's true.
That is true.
I am really trying to make resta priority for me.
I am really trying to make resta priority for me.
I'm really listening to my body, especially because I don't
know where I read this from, butmyself and some of my friends
are entering perimenopause andit's kind of messing with our
(40:04):
bodies and maybe our minds evena little bit.
And so also I do take anxietymedication.
I've been on it for the lastyear and it's been great, but
sometimes it also just I'm justtired, just plain tired, and
I've just read a little bitabout that, how it can make you.
All of those combinations ofthings can make you feel more
(40:25):
tired, and sometimes you justsimply need more rest, and so
I've been trying to do that andnot feeling guilty about it.
You know, sometimes I just needit, I can't really help it.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
Everything on this list are things that we just
could do, and probably should do, for ourselves and not feel
guilty about it, because they'reall for us, absolutely, and
we're just a better person.
You know, one of the thingsthat I want to do is not look
further than what is right infront of me, because, you know,
(40:57):
being present, yes, and theproblem sometimes, or whatever
it is that I or we want toaccomplish, you know, many times
we want to look at it as thebigger picture, and many times
I've done that in my life and itcomes across too hard to tackle
and I have to break it down andmake it so I can see it to
(41:18):
achieve it.
You know, see it to achieve it,which, by the way, I made up.
That's a good one, I know, butit's true, if you can't see how
to get there, that you're sooverwhelmed, and so I'll break
it down until it just is likethe step in front of me, just
(41:38):
the very next one, and then thenext one, and I do that, and
then I figure out what I have todo and it will normally write
itself, and I think that that'ssuch a good lesson that it will
normally write itself.
So we don't have to look at thebigger picture because if we
break it down, it truly willwrite itself.
(42:00):
But I can tell you, if that youare looking at the entire thing
, it's too overwhelming and youprobably won't get anything done
.
Plus, when you are doing life,it is done in steps anyway.
We never achieve anything thatlarge or anything in life
basically in its entirety.
That's a great point.
Yeah, I mean looking ateverything as a stepping stone
(42:22):
and you realize that it's just astep to the very next thing
that we have to do anyway on ourjourney.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
That's a lot to take in right there.
That was great, ann.
Geez, we could put that wholething on a quote magnet.
I don't know that it would fit,but we could.
So good, I don't think I'veever thought about it quite like
that.
You know, you read thedifferent things that say just
one step at a time, next step wetalked about that earlier in
(42:53):
the podcast.
But when you sit down and thinkabout how life is done in steps
, yeah, or stages, you knowhowever you want to call it
Seasons, yeah, everything.
I just feel like how you put ittogether makes perfect sense,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
I think that that really helps and you know, and
it's really good to have avision board and that's one
thing that could be taskoriented a little bit, but for
you to be able to see what youwant to do and break it down in
steps actually really does help.
You know, if I need help, I'mgoing to ask for help more often
and Tina, I know you know mereally well and I don't ask for
(43:34):
help.
I don't know how to ask forhelp, so I'm going to
intentionally try to ask forhelp more often this year.
Speaker 1 (43:44):
Well, I think that's such a great goal, I think
that's so good, and this isanother one where I struggle too
.
I don't often ask for help,like the day I showed up at your
door just a complete, absolutesobbing mess, and really is how
we reconnected, I would say.
Speaker 2 (43:59):
We were doing the podcast and everything up till
then, but we were stillconnected.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
But maybe at a deeper level.
That's what I mean.
But you know that if I'mshowing up or I'm asking for
help, that it's something thatis really serious for me, that
I'm really, really strugglingwith.
But it shouldn't always take toget to the struggle point, the
breaking point, to ask for thatkind of help.
(44:27):
You know, point the breakingpoint.
To ask for that kind of help,you know, because I would want
to give that to anybody who'syou know in my close circle, or
you know any neighbor, any.
You know I'm ready and willingto help however I can, and so I
find it interesting that I feelthat way, but yet it's hard for
me to reach out and ask for help.
I don't know what.
I think it makes me feel likeI'm weak, but I don't really
(44:49):
feel that way.
So I don't really know why it'sso hard to ask for that.
Speaker 2 (44:54):
My tolerance for taking on everything, all the
pain, everything of the day,whatever it is, is so high.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Yeah, maybe you're right, maybe that is what it is.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
Yeah, I think and I learned that as a little kid.
So I think and I think that youdid too, I think people that
oftentimes have gone throughdifferent traumas whatever it is
, you know, it's relative toeverybody that it in some ways
can teach you to allow yourselfto continue to take things on,
(45:28):
in some ways can teach you toallow yourself to continue to
take things on, and I mean it'snot necessarily a bad thing, but
in some respects it can be.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
Right, right.
I mean I think we should alllearn how to ask for help,
because at some point in ourlives we're all going to need it
.
Yeah Well, the next one thatyou're ready to talk about is
one of my favorites.
I am a lifelong this.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
Learner yes, learn.
Go into each day trying tolearn something.
Work your mind, stretchyourself.
You know I'm currentlyhomeschooling my son and I'm
having a blast with him.
I am so glad that we're doingthis and he is so smart and no
matter what comes up if we don'tknow it, if I can't answer his
(46:08):
question, he's like look it up,look it up.
So I am just loving learningwith him.
Speaker 1 (46:15):
I love that too.
You know, I feel like we'regoing to get a lot of people
balking at this.
I love relearning math from myoldest son.
Oh, geez, yes, oh, I love, love, love it.
I mean, I don't particularlylove geometry by any stretch,
but I love that it's somethingthat you know he cares so much
about and I can go through it.
So I am a lifelong learner.
(46:37):
My personality is the type fiveinvestigator to just around the
holidays during my childhood andhow difficult I made certain
traditions for my parentsbecause I was so inquisitive and
I just wanted to know the whysand the answers and I wanted to
(46:59):
investigate and just kind of digdeeper.
So this has always been me Ilove, love, love, love learning.
I remember my grandpa, before hepassed, said that I would have
been a great lawyer, or I wouldbe a great, not maybe not a
lawyer, but a paralegal, theperson that really helps the
lawyer Maybe that's not evenwhat they're called, I don't
even know but the person whoreally helps get all of the meat
(47:23):
and potatoes for the lawyerready, you know, does all the
research and all of that type ofthing, or a detective.
I feel like I'd be a gooddetective, but I don't want to
have to do part of the job ofyou know, knocking on the door
and saying, I'm sorry to say,you know that type of thing, but
I love, love, love learning,even if it's just random stuff
or something worthwhile, or howto do a home project or how to
(47:46):
create something you know like.
Today I saw something on acraft site and I was like I
totally want to make this and myneighbor gave me some craft
material to be able to do it andI was able to do it even better
than I think the photo, becauseI used all of the parts to this
candy cane project to make.
(48:08):
I was making a Grinch hand and Ithought it turned out great.
I just I used everything and Iwas so proud of myself and I
mean I burnt my fingers to anabsolute crisp with the glue gun
, but other than that it turnedout great.
So I learning makes me so, so,so happy.
If you couldn't tell, I love it.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
It does me too.
I mean I think that that fuelsme and I'm constantly doing
things to make me stretch andyou know it's so fun.
I mean I guess it's a way ofnot being stagnant, true.
Speaker 1 (48:43):
And I'm slowly trying to learn my Spanish again by
the app Babble.
That's fun, oh, okay.
Yeah, I'm just very, veryslowly Like the basics.
I still have them down, likethey're ingrained, so I'm
looking forward to moving on tosome more intermediate stuff.
And why?
I don't have the answer of whyI just I've always wanted to be
bilingual.
So no time like the present, Ihave no reason for it.
(49:05):
I just want to be able to say Ican.
Speaker 2 (49:08):
You know we're learning Spanish, my son and I
again.
I got a D minus barely passedit when I took it in high school
.
Speaker 1 (49:18):
I don't even believe that.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
I could barely speak English appropriately, let alone
take on a different language,and plus I didn't care.
I just didn't care, I justdidn't care.
So I mean I so, but I'm havingfun with him because it's just a
really different perspective.
You know, when you're workingwith somebody and this is my son
(49:40):
in particular, because there'scertain times you were talking
about your son with geometry andmy son and we're doing math
together and we're doing all ofthese things, and I know what
subjects he's great in and whatsubjects he's not, because then
I find myself having to workharder than him.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
Oh, oh yeah, oh my gosh.
Yes, it took me an hour and 40minutes to figure out three math
problems.
Because, well, first of all, Ididn't know how to find the area
of a triangle, so I had to lookthat up.
And then I was like, well, howdo you find the area of a
parallelogram?
And then, well, how do you findthe two?
And then you have to divide it,and how do you?
It took me that long, yeah.
Speaker 2 (50:19):
I couldn't remember, and that's that's good, because
you're really trying to help himlearn.
But I'm taking this also inlife, when you are working
harder than somebody else in therelationship, oh, yes, okay, it
just started making me think.
Speaker 1 (50:38):
When you're working harder than somebody else, don't
yeah, yeah, I've, I've, yeah,I've gone through that too,
where you know, sometimes itmakes me sad to think that I've
been used by some people Likehow did I not see it?
You know, I really was givingit my best.
I don't, I don't understand,and you know it's it is.
(51:01):
It's just another good reminderof knowing who you are, what
you will and won't stand for,and picking yourself back up and
trying again next time.
But yeah, you're right Now.
I know relationships goodrelationships, healthy ones can
ebb and flow.
You know they can ebb and flowbecause maybe one person becomes
(51:24):
just too busy, or like me, withmy life right now, with my
children and my husband and youknow sports schedule and I work
and I take care of my sick momonce or twice a week.
That's pretty all-consumingright there.
It doesn't leave a whole lot ofexactly anything else, but I'm
still trying to give it ahundred percent, even if it's
with a quick call or a quicktext or a quick little gift or a
quick get together.
(51:45):
You know I'm planning intoJanuary and February to see a
friend of mine, my best friendfrom high school, who I haven't
seen in five, six months.
It's just hard.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
Yeah, it really is, but when somebody, they are
really not, and maybe I'm givingthem something or I'm helping
them out in a certain area oftheir life, and it's a continual
thing, and I find myselfworking much harder trying to
help them through it and they'rejust not trying to get there.
(52:18):
Yeah, it's just time to call it.
I mean, it just made me thinkof that when I was thinking
about it, actually when I wasworking really hard with him,
and he's like, oh, look at this,look at this, he's just messing
around, and I realized, hey,buddy, I'm working harder than
you and I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 1 (52:39):
Right, right.
I've told my kids before I'vealready completed this grade
long ago, so this is on you now.
I'm here to help, but you haveto put in the work and it was
hard for me to learn.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
I mean, I had to teach myself how to learn.
So, because of how muchlearning meant to me, I made
sure that I taught myself.
Nobody was going to tell me youcan't learn, You're not going
to graduate high school it waslike, yeah, well, you wait and
see.
So that's what I mean.
I just couldn't get anundergrad, I had to get a
(53:12):
master's degree.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
So there, you really showed everyone.
I don't know if you know this,but I learned this today.
Speaking of learning, albertEinstein didn't talk until he
was about four years old.
Yes, albert Einstein didn'ttalk until he was about four
years old.
Yes, but bigger than that.
(53:37):
He was told he got a letterfrom school and he couldn't read
it, and so he asked his mom canyou read this to me?
Well, she didn't read what itreally said.
She read to him that thisletter says that the teachers
are not able to teach you inschool because you're too smart.
They don't know how to teachyou because you're so smart.
She said so we'll have to finda different way to educate you.
(54:00):
Well, it was only after hismother had passed that Albert
Einstein found the letter, andwhat the letter really said was
your son is too dumb to learnand he is not welcome in school.
Find another way to teach him,even Albert Einstein.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
So, first of all, the messages that we hear is what
we believe about ourselves.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
And that's why I was just going to say I love that
the mom protected him.
She kept that secret with her,took it to her grave and she
said in oh, the most importantpart, I think, of that letter is
she told him that it saidyou're going to change the world
and make it a better place, andyou believe he did make it a
(54:47):
better place.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
And you believe he did.
That's so beautiful.
Well, yeah, yeah, that isabsolutely so beautiful.
I know when my kids wereyounger, before they could read,
and we would order Chinese foodand you get those cookies, oh
fortune cookies.
Yeah, fortune cookie.
With the thing inside.
They would say what does minesay?
And I would read their name andsay you're going to be the most
(55:08):
amazing person in the world.
And they'd be like is that whatit really says?
And I'd be like, yes, you know.
But eventually they read and Ican't do that anymore.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
But it was fun when you built into them.
You certainly built into themOkay.
So one of the things that Ilike to do to also better myself
is to go outside my comfortzone.
I like to conquer my fears.
That's why I did my climbingadventure this summer and it was
so, so, so great.
In fact, my hands are stillpeeling from it.
(55:39):
They started peeling a wholemonth after my rock climbing
adventure and I just found thatkind of funny.
So I love pushing yourself pastyour comfort zone, because that
is where you truly grow.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (55:52):
pool was that she said to me I'm just taking a
poll, do you think I shouldperform?
And I said yes.
(56:16):
So she did it to everybody elsein the family and so I was
thinking about it and I was likeshe really is trying to figure
this out if she should do this.
So I asked her and we worked itthrough.
I'm so glad that I picked up onthat because we actually sat
down, had a conversation, that Ipicked up on that, because we
actually sat down, had aconversation and we talked about
the thing why she didn't wantto, why she did want to.
She was afraid that she wouldn'tsee us, she was afraid that she
(56:37):
would mess up, she was afraidall these eyes are on her and we
just talked about all of it.
And at the end of the day shewas like you know what?
I'm going to do it.
And I said I'm so proud of youbecause you're choosing to live
outside of your comfort zone andeven if you choose that you
can't do it or you don't want todo it, I'll say it that way.
I'm still proud of you becauseyou are really conquering a lot,
(57:01):
because this is a kid thatalways has to live outside of
her comfort zone.
So I was really proud of her.
Speaker 1 (57:08):
I'm really proud of her too.
I love how you helped her getthere.
I do, whether the outcome wasthis way or another way.
I love that you really talkedit out and she was able to get
there, and I hope that she'sable to go through with it,
because I really think you dogrow once you conquer those
fears.
It's okay to be afraid.
It means you can.
Speaker 2 (57:29):
Yeah, what if, every day this year, we take time to
find something that we can growon?
Maybe read a quote, maybe readsome pages in a book, pick up
that project that you've beenwanting to pick up for years.
You know?
Maybe just sitting by yourself,just finding that calm.
Maybe find that group of peoplethat you've really wanted to
connect with.
They're writing a journal.
Everyone has something thatthey've put off and they really
(57:51):
want to do.
Speaker 1 (57:53):
Oh, yes, I'm getting the ball rolling on mine.
I've wanted to do somethingwith all of my quotes that I've
collected, and so I'm startingto get something in the works
for that, because I've beenthinking about that very thing.
Speaker 2 (58:05):
The next one I have is enjoy.
You know, so many things are sotask-oriented and we were
talking about that earlier but Ithink some of the things that I
do, I just do.
My kids were just telling methat there was a countdown to
something that they're reallylooking forward to and I was
(58:27):
like, are you kidding me?
I can't believe that that'salready here.
And so life just goes so fastand we have to remember to enjoy
the long way.
Speaker 1 (58:38):
Yes, we have to stop, we have to be present and we
have to enjoy the moments andmaybe even write them down so we
don't forget, because I knowour memories can deceive us at
times.
And I think that's you know.
We're planning a trip here andI'm so looking forward to it
because I just want to enjoyeverything about it from start
(58:58):
to finish.
It's not a completely plannedout trip.
If you will.
It's going to be kind of one ofthe let's fly by the seat of
our pants for some of this andsee how it goes, because I think
that it will be the mostremembered trip that we'll be
able to do with our kids.
So you need to take the time toenjoy.
Life truly is too short and wereally need to enjoy.
Speaker 2 (59:20):
Well amen sister friend.
Speaker 1 (59:24):
Well, thank you all for listening.
I hope that we have inspiredyou, and we would love to hear
what your resolution or goal isfor the coming year.
So, if you would like, you canalways shoot us an email or you
could reply on our Facebook page.
We would love to hear it.
Speaker 2 (59:41):
Thank you for showing up again for us and we will
continue to show up for you.
We love doing this journey withyou.
Thank you so much and we willsee you next time.
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