Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Today's November
twenty-fifth.
Two thousand and twenty-five.
A Tuesday.
A Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
Two days before Thanksgiving.
In nineteen seventy-five.
On November twenty-fifth, theTuesday before Thanksgiving, my
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dad died.
It was fifty years ago.
Was the last time I saw my dad.
The last time that I saw my dadwalk out the door, kiss me
goodbye, and go to work.
And that was it.
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Fifty years.
Now, of course, I'm telling myage a little bit, but I was
pretty young when it happened.
I'm in here waiting for my kidsto come out from an appointment.
And you know, we we've talkedabout like what it what are we
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gonna do.
I mean, you know, every November25th, since he has died, I
remember him.
And it's a it's a thing becauseit changed my life forever in so
many ways.
I was never the same again.
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Now, with that said, you know,in some ways, as I've aged,
those lessons have carried meinto stronger parts of me, for
sure.
I'm different, I'm stronger,I've taken those lessons and
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I've become who I am today.
Um, I've definitely had somerough patches, some absolute
rough patches that I chose to godown not so good.
But, you know, going into thisThanksgiving, we Tina and I, in
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our podcast, we often talk aboutuh being thankful and grateful
in no matter what situation thatwe're in.
And most, a lot of times, notmost, a lot of times, those
situations it can be hard to bethankful and to find something
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to be thankful for.
This year we decided to do ourThanksgiving episode and call it
even here we are thankful, evenhere we are blessed, you know,
even here.
And both of our tables look alittle different than they have
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in the past, and and I would saythat a lot of people are like
that in the world, whether it bethat you're missing a person, or
you're missing somebody that oryou know, or something, you're
missing something, or you'remissing maybe you have less
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money, maybe you have a loss ofa job, maybe you aren't able to
put the food on the table likeyou could before because of the
way our country is going in theeconomy.
Um, you know, everybody's tablein this last year, we all are
different.
I think we're all different, andthat's why Tina and I wanted to
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do this podcast.
Even here, I am thankful.
Whatever it is, where whereverit is in your life, I pray that
you are thankful in somecapacity, because even if it's
just a little bit, those are theplaces where we can find hope.
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And you know, I just cannotbelieve that it's been 50 years
with that.
I mean, I I can't fathom thatamount of time.
I mean, I know in my head that Iwas a pretty little kid when he
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walked out that door, and nobodyknew that he wasn't coming home
that day.
It was very sudden.
My kids were like, oh, how howdo you want to remember him?
What was his favorite drink?
Maybe we could, you know, pourit into the ground and give it
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to him.
And it's kind of funny that, youknow, they're nine and twelve,
um, my two boys that wanted tothat said that, and I was like,
Oh, I mean, that his favoritedrink was a beer, and uh that
would be kind of fun to do that.
Um, but I don't know, you know,everybody remembers their person
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different.
This one was so surreal to mebecause it's a Tuesday before
Thanksgiving.
Exactly 50 years.
It was a Tuesday beforeThanksgiving that day.
And it's funny because you know,I'm really gonna be telling my
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years now because I waswatching, well, I had I was at
swim practice and they came.
My parents, neither one of myparents came to get me at swim
practice.
They were both, you know, notable to, obviously.
And so a neighbor came in.
That was the strangest thing inthe world.
I was just I came out fromgetting dressed from swim
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practice, and my neighbor wasthere, and I'm just like, Well,
what are you doing here?
And so then I they went past myhouse when they took me home and
went to their house, and it justthe whole night was just so
strange.
And they said that my dad hadbeen in the hospital because he
was sick, and um that was it,you know, no more detail than
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that.
And so I was watching Happy Daysat their house.
We were just kind of hangingout.
Um this kid who really didn't Iknew them, but I didn't feel
comfortable.
I was already quiet to beginwith.
I, you know, everybody on herepretty much knows that I was an
autistic, I am autistic, youknow.
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The kid in me was very quiet andum didn't feel comfortable in
different situations, and thiswas very different.
So we just sat and watched HappyDays, and at the end the phone
rang.
It was right before Laverne andCharlie came on, that which was
right next, you know, the nextshow that was gonna be on, and
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so then um they said, you know,oh it's it's okay, we can go
take you home now.
And so I get there, but therewere all these cars parked at my
house.
It was so strange.
And I walked in and I was allthese people were just staring
at me.
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They were all around our livingroom.
I can't even tell you how manypeople were there, and it was
just like a sea of people, and Isaid, Um, you know, what's going
on?
And I remember that my mom wassitting on the couch and she
said, Your dad.
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And I said, What?
And she was crying, and then shesaid, I said, Well, is I said,
is he sick?
And she said, mm-hmm.
And I said, Well, could he die?
And she went, mm-hmm.
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And I said, by reading the room.
I said, did he?
And then she said, Yeah.
And so I just remember I don'tremember, actually.
They told me that I threw abook.
I threw a book.
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I have no memory of it, so Imust have blacked out right
after it happened.
I'm sure I did, because the nextmemory I have is of me in my
bedroom by myself with the doorclosed, which that was the place
that I was often sent by myparents to get out of the way by
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my mom.
And that was always also theplace where I would just hang
out, and most of the time I wasnot bothered, they did not
normally come in.
So I was in there, and then youknow, I have a couple blips of
memory after that, and then itlike fast forwards to
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Thanksgiving.
But what and what I rememberabout Thanksgiving is sitting on
the couch while they wereplanning a funeral making a
Thanksgiving meal, and I alwaysthought that that was the
absolute strangest thing.
I I just was like, you know,you're talking about dead things
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while you're making ourThanksgiving meal.
I had gotten up the day beforethe day before Thanksgiving to
go to school.
It was a Wednesday, and we didhave school.
I had gotten up to go to school.
I do remember that.
And my aunts, who were stillthere from the night before,
they must have stayed the night.
I have no idea.
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But they looked at me and said,What are you doing?
And I I was dressed, and they Isaid, I'm going to school.
And they said, No, you're not.
Your dad just died.
And so I was like, Okay, I don'tremember what happened after
that.
But then the next thing I doremember is watching the
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Thanksgiving Day Parade on theThursday, Thanksgiving.
I do remember um rain.
And it's raining today.
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One of them, but it wasdefinitely at the top.
And I don't know.
I thought, you know what?
50 years, 50 years, and it wouldbe just about now that he
started having his heartproblems because he came home
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from work early.
And this is just what I wastold, um, because I wasn't
there, and they said, you know,that he uh was having problems
with he had come home from workwith chest pains, went to the
hospital, they did tests, andapparently, I mean, he had had
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like a mild heart attack at thatpoint, and they were going to
wheel him into a room.
Um, that's all I know.
I don't know what kind of roomit was, if it was ICU, if it was
a regular room or what, I don'tknow.
They were wheeling him into aregular or to excuse me, to a
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room, and um on the way he had amassive heart attack, and that
was it.
So I mean it's it's just crazyto me.
I never even really every yearhas felt like oh, okay, yeah, I
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mean, this is the anniversary,but fifty years all day today,
all day, even last night, evenyesterday, I was like 50 years
ago today.
I still had my dad.
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50 years ago today, I just thisis the day.
This was his last morning wherehe kissed me goodbye and walked
out the door.
50 years ago today, he was atwork.
Now he would have been going onhis way to the hospital because
it was right about this time,and I found out about 8:30 to
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845 that he had died.
So, you know, it it's reallyinteresting what we do with
anniversaries, and anniversariesthat happen on holidays, and we
just knew somebody else who justlost somebody too, um, just a
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couple days ago, and they'redealing with it all Thanksgiving
week.
Um, and it was the same thing,you know.
I mean, during a death for aholiday is really difficult to
make plans, and even my dad wasa naval officer, and they did
not get to play taps for hisfuneral because they um couldn't
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gather the people to do it for aholiday weekend, and it was like
the weekend after Thanksgiving.
Um, so I mean that was reallystrange.
Um, I still feel like he shouldhave had that honor, or that
maybe at some point we shouldhave given that him that honor.
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Um but it rained the day of hisfuneral.
It it um seemed to rain fordays.
It was like when I woke up thismorning and I looked outside and
it was raining, and I had thesame thoughts that I did back
then when we were standing underthe tent of the funeral during
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the funeral, and I thought Godis crying, and that's how I felt
this morning when I looked outfifty freaking years ago.
Who would have thought that 50years ago or 50 years later that
I would be here where I amtoday?
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And it's a great life.
I'm very blessed, I'm verythankful each and every single
day, even for the smallest ofthings.
I've got great kids, a mama offive, and a grandma of five, and
I'm I'm n oh my gosh, he wouldhave been very proud of me.
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He would have, you know, mymedia career, my writing, my um
mental health with my uh all thejobs that I have worked in the
mental health field that werevery intentional, that have
brought me to where I am now,um, from the jail system to
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being the director of a betterwoman's shelter, and also being
the assistant director at aschool for kids with autism,
being an autistic individualthat really was beneficial to me
and my three kids with autism.
You know, I'm just so grateful50 years later.
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Fifty years later.
I can't say that enough.
That number has gone through myhead all day long.
All day.
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But it really does, and I am anumbers person, I always look at
the meaning of numbers for somereason.
I don't know what that means forme, but like certain numbers
always come up, um, and 50 isnot normally a number that comes
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up for me, but all day long 50has been going through my head.
Maybe I should play it for thelottery or something.
But it's good, it's good, andeven here I am thankful.
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Even here I am blessed.
I am grateful, even for thesmall things, for each and every
single one of my kids and mygrandkids and the podcast and my
really, really close friends.
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My family, of course, everysingle one of them, and even for
the hard times, because the hardtimes brought me to the good
times and they got me through,and they were stepping stones to
where I am now.
I'm grateful for every singlewell, there are a couple things
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I would have erased, I wouldlove to erase because I'm much
smarter now than I was back thenwhen I first when I had some of
those things happen.
Some to me, and some were mychoice.
Um but you know, we can all growfrom the really, really hard
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times, and I grew over theselast 50 years since I last saw
my dad.
I've grown so much, and hewouldn't even believe that I'm
able to do all the things that Ican do.
He wouldn't even believe itbecause I was a pretty quiet,
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autistic kid with a so manylearning disabilities, where
they said, you know, my chancesof really going that far
academically were pretty low,and I had the determination and
the will to do whatever it took.
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So yeah, he would be super proudof me.
So even here, I am thankful.
Even here, I'm blessed.
I love you, Dad.
Fifty years later.
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I hope everybody here has areally great Thanksgiving.
You know, it really affected mefor me not to have a good
Thanksgiving for many years.
I allowed my the loss of my dadto affect my Thanksgiving and I
kept it out.
I said, nope, I'm not going tolet the good in, especially
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during this time.
I kept it at a distance.
But this year I've been thankfuland I've been letting it in.
Tina and I put out some areally, really great podcast
about even here.
I am thankful.
And it has really allowed me tobe able to let it in, to let the
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good in, even though you canhold the pain and the good at
the same time.
You really can.
Even here.
I am thankful.
I love all of you.
Have a good Thanksgiving.