December 5, 2023 • 41 mins
Do you ever feel like your sensitivity is more of a curse than a blessing?
Ever felt drained because you're constantly saying 'yes' and neglecting your own needs? We're here to help you understand these empathic experiences and turn your sensitivities into strengths.
This episode of the Realized Empath Podcast is filled with insights about setting emotional boundaries and navigating external pressures.
We make this transformative journey together to redefine your limits, balance your connection with others, and honor your needs.
Setting boundaries can be tough, especially when facing criticism or pushback. Fear not; we've got you covered. With practical approaches and assertiveness, we'll guide you in communicating your needs with clarity and compassion.
We'll also distinguish between walls built from fear or past trauma and healthy boundaries. The aim is to maintain your boundaries and affirm your self-respect and self-worth, even when challenging situations arise.
Lastly, we'll tackle the often overlooked but critical topic of resentment. We'll discuss its role in setting boundaries and how to create healthier environments through effective communication.
We'll share real-life examples and provide tips for efficiently articulating boundaries.
Our goal is to have you reclaim your energy, embrace your empathic gifts, and allow you to shine brighter. So, don't miss out on this empowering conversation; remember, you are not alone in this journey. Until next time, keep honoring your beautiful, empathic self.
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Don't forget to follow us on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook @RealizedEmpath for daily inspiration and empath hacks. Until next time, stay sensitive and strong! ✌️💕"
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to the Realized Empath Podcast,
where we get real about lovingand stumbling through our
sensitive lives With your hostand holistic counselor, Kristin
Schwartz, who helps redefinewhat's possible for an empath
who embraces a path ofself-healing.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello, beautiful souls, welcome back to the
Realized Empath Podcast.
We're sanctuary for exploringall things empathic.
In today's episode, an empath'sboundary blueprint, we're
taking an empowering exploration.
So have you ever felt like asponge, absorbing every emotion
(00:45):
around you?
Or maybe you found yourself sointertwined in others' needs
that you forgot your own?
If you've ever felt overwhelmedby the intensity of your
empathic gifts, you're not alone, and today's episode, I hope,
can be a beacon of light.
We're not just talking aboutboundaries.
We're talking about arevolution in self-care and
(01:08):
self-respect.
So get ready for an eye-openingjourney into the world of
empaths and highly sensitivepeople.
Let's redefine our limits andreclaim our energy.
This episode is more than justa conversation about boundaries.
It's an invitation fortransformation.
Let's start with the basics.
What exactly is an empath or ahighly sensitive person or HSP?
(01:32):
So picture a world where everyemotion, nuance and energy is
absorbed and deeply felt.
That's the daily reality forempaths and highly sensitive
people.
In today's episode, we're goingto go into the nuances of these
traits and how they shape ourperceptions, interactions and
(01:56):
even our relationships.
It's like living in a worldwith amplified emotions, where
the subtle becomes significant.
But this heightened sensitivitycomes with a cost, sometimes
Without boundaries.
The empathic experience can belike riding a roller coaster
with no breaks.
It's thrilling, sure, butpotentially overwhelming.
(02:19):
So we're going to explore thedelicate balance between
embracing your sensitivities andprotecting your inner peace.
So empaths and highly sensitivepeople possess an extraordinary
ability to perceive and feel theemotions of others.
This heightened sensitivityshapes every aspect of our lives
(02:42):
, from how we interact withpeople to how we process
surroundings.
It's like having an emotionalradar that's always on, picking
up the subtlest signals thatmost people might miss.
For an empath, a simpleconversation is more than just
an exchange of words.
It's an intricate dance ofemotions, tone, body language
(03:06):
and energy, and they can sensenot just what is being said, but
what is left unsaid, the hiddenfeelings and unspoken truths.
This can lead to profoundconnection and deep
understanding, but it can beincredibly taxing too.
The emotional load can be heavy, especially if we struggle to
(03:27):
differentiate our feelings fromthose of others.
When it comes to interactions,empaths and highly sensitive
people often find themselves inthe role of confidant or healer.
Or maybe you're the personeveryone calls when their life
is falling apart, yet you feellike when yours is falling apart
, you hear crickets.
So empaths and highly sensitivepeople naturally attract those
(03:50):
who seek empathy andunderstanding, and while this
can be fulfilling at times, italso poses a challenge.
Without clear boundaries, wecan become overwhelmed by
others' needs and lose sight ofour own.
So this sensitivity extends torelationships.
Impassant, highly sensitivepeople tend to experience
emotions more intensely.
(04:11):
This depth of feeling can leadto rich and meaningful
relationships, but it also meansthat conflicts or
misunderstandings can be deeplyhurtful.
Learning to navigate thesewaters is so important.
It's about finding the balancebetween openness and
self-protection, right Betweenempathy and self-preservation.
(04:33):
The key lies in embracing thesesensitivities while also
guarding your inner peace.
It's a delicate balance indeed.
Impassant, highly sensitivepeople need to develop the
skills to protect their energy,like setting emotional
boundaries, practicing self-care, learning to distinguish
between absorbing emotions andacknowledging them.
(04:55):
This isn't about shutting outthe world.
It's about creating a spacewhere we can thrive without
being overwhelmed by theemotional noise.
By embracing this balance,we're not just surviving, we're
flourishing.
Our sensitivity once a sourceof challenge becomes our
greatest strength, a tool fordeep connection, empathy and
(05:18):
understanding in a world thatdesperately needs it.
So understanding our empathicnature sets the stage for today.
So let's see what happens whenwe live without boundaries.
So imagine a day in the life ofan empath with no boundaries,
barring every emotion, sayingyes to every request, constantly
(05:38):
being the shoulder to cry on.
In this segment, what we'regoing to do is paint a vivid
picture of a boundarylessexistence, a life where no is a
foreign word and personal spaceis a distant dream.
Either the friend who can'tseem to refuse a favor they're
the first one you call when youneed help moving the person who
(06:03):
will drop everything to lend anear.
It seems noble, right, butbeneath the surface there's a
constant draining undercurrentof needing to be needed.
This friend may fear thatsaying no could lead to
rejection or a loss ofconnection.
(06:23):
So they stretch themselves then, often at the expense of their
own needs.
Then there's that colleague,the one who always stays late at
work to help, long aftereveryone else has left the
office.
You know they're seen as theteam player, the reliable one.
But what drives this relentlessair quotes commitment so often?
(06:47):
It's a deep-rooted desire to beindispensable, to prove their
worth.
And they're proving their worththrough their willingness to
sacrifice personal time andwell-being.
And this behavior, whileinitially made garner praise,
can lead to burnout andresentment, both from themselves
and their colleagues who maystart to take their efforts for
(07:10):
granted.
And let's not overlook theparent, who puts everyone else's
needs first.
Their entire life revolvesaround their family, often
neglecting their own hobbies,rest and social life.
So, while their dedication totheir family is unquestionable,
their self-neglect stems from amisunderstanding of what it
(07:31):
means to be caring right, sothat parent equates love and
care with self-sacrifice, notrealizing that by neglecting
their own needs they're not onlydepleting themselves, but
they're also setting an examplefor their children that personal
well-being is not a priority.
So I know the psychology behindthese examples is complex.
(07:54):
So the fear of rejection is apowerful motivator, and what can
happen is it can lead people tooverextend themselves in the
hope of maintaining connections,approval, attention and what we
may mislabel as love.
(08:15):
So the desire to beindispensable is another
compelling factor.
We live in a world that oftenequates worth with productivity
and helpfulness, and it's easyto fall into the trap of
believing that our value comesfrom being perpetually available
and accommodating.
Think about this for a second.
(08:36):
How many times has a text comethrough to your phone and you
have felt this need toimmediately answer?
It's like this sense of urgency.
You know, I'm old enough toremember that before cell phones
, if someone called you at homeand you weren't there or you
weren't able to answer the phone, maybe they left a message on
(09:00):
your answering machine, but youwould get back to them when you
were at home and when you hadthe time.
Now we have this sense ofurgency where people actually
expect you, when they text, toanswer immediately.
I've even heard people say Iknow they always have their
phone, why aren't they answering?
So I challenge you the nexttime a text comes through, just
(09:21):
notice your body reaction,notice what your needs are in
that moment.
Respond to texts when you havethe space and when you are
willing and able.
So this need or this desire ordrive to be perpetually
available and accommodating is ashadow side of empathy, the
part that compulsively gives,not out of pure altruism, but
(09:47):
out of this deep-seated fear andmisunderstanding.
It's a slippery slope that canlead to emotional exhaustion and
loss of identity and evenresentment towards those you're
trying to help.
That's why understanding andestablishing boundaries is not
just important, it's essential.
So boundaries allow us to givewithout depleting ourselves.
(10:09):
They enable us to care forothers while also caring for
ourselves.
It's not about becoming lessempathetic or less caring.
It's about understanding thattrue empathy includes being
empathetic to yourself.
Realization is the first steptowards a more balanced and
healthy way of living and lovingas an empath or highly
(10:31):
sensitive person.
Setting boundaries I know itsounds straightforward.
Well, maybe that's not yourexperience and it's not always
so easy as it sounds.
So in this next segment we'regoing to reveal, we're going to
talk about why it's sometimeseasier said than done.
So why is setting boundaries sotough, especially for empaths
and HSPs?
It's a multifaceted dilemmawhich can involve guilt and fear
(10:55):
and social conditioning, andmany of us were taught that
being good means putting othersfirst, always.
So what I want to do is I wantto dissect these myths and
uncover the deep-seated fearsthat hold us back.
Is it the fear of conflict orthe guilt of not being enough?
Or maybe it's the worry ofbeing perceived as selfish?
(11:18):
I want to address the internaland external pressures, like
from the voice in your head thatsays you're letting people down
to maybe real-life pushbackthat you're going to get.
So boundaries for many of usare entangled in a web of guilt
and fear and social conditioning, and it makes setting them feel
(11:40):
like an insurmountablechallenge.
So guilt often emerges as acentral theme, especially in
cultures or families whereself-sacrifice is glorified.
There's a pervasive myth thatprioritizing your needs is
selfish or indicates a lack ofcaring for others.
(12:03):
So this guilt is compounded byfear.
So, like the fear of how otherswill react, fear of being seen
as unkind or maybe uncooperative, and also a big one, the
deep-seated fear of rejection orabandonment.
So I get it.
And while these fears aren'tunfounded because they're often
(12:27):
rooted in past experiences wheremaybe asserting your needs led
to negative outcomes, and thatmakes the prospect of setting
boundaries seem risky.
So dissecting these myths, whatit does is it reveals how deeply
ingrained beliefs aboutself-worth and acceptance
(12:47):
influence our behavior.
Many of us grow up with thenotion that our value is tied to
how much we do for others.
What that does, though, is itleads to this relentless pursuit
of approval and validationthrough selflessness.
This belief system, what itdoes is it creates a false
psychotomy where taking care ofyourself is viewed as being at
(13:12):
odds with caring for others.
It ignores the possibility of abalanced approach where you can
be compassionate and supportivewhile also honoring your own
needs and your own limits.
This skewed perception alsoleads to an inner narrative that
setting boundaries is an act ofaggression or rejection, rather
(13:36):
than the truth, which is it'san act of self-care and healthy
relationship management.
The pressures of settingboundaries are not just internal
, so what ends up happening isthey manifest externally through
real life pushback.
So when someone starts to setboundaries, especially if they
(13:56):
haven't done so in the past, itdisrupts established dynamics,
and what that does is it leadsto resistance from those who are
used to your constantavailability or agreeableness.
I don't know if you've everheard this one, but it's like
the people who have realproblems with your boundaries
are those who benefited the mostfrom you not having them right.
(14:18):
So this pushback can range from, let's say, subtle guilt
tripping to outrightconfrontation, right, and this
can make the act of maintainingyour boundaries an ongoing
challenge.
And this is where a lot ofpeople just give up and they
just decide to stay withresentment, or they cut
(14:38):
relationships off completely.
The voice in our head thatcautions us against
disappointing others can be soloud, and it's often echoed by
real voices like those of ourfriends or family or colleagues
who don't want us to haveboundaries.
They're confused by the changeor they're caught off guard by
(15:02):
the newfound assertivenessNavigating these internal and
external pressures requires notjust understanding and
dismantling the myths, but alsoa strong sense of self-worth and
the conviction that settingboundaries is not just
permissible but necessary foryour emotional health and
(15:25):
wellbeing.
So now that we have a betterunderstanding of the hurdles
that we can face, let's go intothe nuances of what constitutes
a boundary and what actuallycrosses over into being a wall.
So, boundary and wall theymight seem similar, but they're
worlds apart, and what I wannatalk about is understanding the
(15:50):
critical difference.
A boundary is like a gate in afence okay, so it allows for
healthy interaction while alsomaintaining personal space,
where a wall, on the other hand,is impenetratable.
Right, it keeps everything andeveryone out.
I want you to know how torecognize if you're building a
(16:11):
wall or a boundary and maybesometimes your walls are
disguised as a boundary and Iwant you to know why this is
happening.
Right, is it a defensemechanism?
Is it a fear of vulnerability?
Knowing whether you're erectinga wall instead of setting a
boundary?
The key lies in self-awarenessand intention.
So a wall, often builtsubconsciously, stems from a
(16:37):
place of fear or past trauma.
It's a defense mechanism, andit's understandable that you
would have the defense mechanism.
But what that is?
It's a blanket solution toavoid vulnerability or more hurt
.
For instance, let's say someonehas experienced betrayal in the
(16:58):
past.
That person might decide to cutoff deep emotional connections
entirely, and their reasoningwould be if you don't let anyone
in, then you can't get hurtlike you did before.
At first this behavior mightfeel like a boundary, but it's
actually a wall blocking notjust potential pain, but also
(17:20):
potential joy and connection.
What's important isunderstanding the emotional
origin of the wall right.
So often what happens is thewalls are rooted in deep seated
insecurities or unresolvedtrauma, unresolved pain, and a
person who constantly feels letdown by others might start to
(17:44):
believe that all relationshipsare destined to disappoint them
or destined to hurt them, andthat belief system creates a
wall right that shields themfrom potential disappointment,
but it also isolates them frommeaningful interactions.
It blocks them from having thehealing relationships that would
(18:09):
aid them in building trust upagain.
Right, so it's blocking thepotential moments of healing for
them too.
It's important to recognizethese patterns.
Are you setting a boundary tohonor your well-being, or are
you erecting a wall out of fearor past pain?
Or is the wall being built froma narrative that no longer
(18:33):
serves you.
So how do we take our walls andturn them into healthy
boundaries?
So, to transform your wallsinto healthy boundaries, it
requires you to embark on ajourney of healing and
introspection.
It requires examining the pastexperiences that have shaped the
(18:54):
defense mechanisms, and thatoften involves confronting
uncomfortable emotions andchallenging long held beliefs
about yourself and about others.
The goal is to reach a placewhere you can have boundaries
from a position of strength,right and self-awareness, rather
(19:15):
than fear.
This shift from fear tostrength and self-awareness
allows you to interact with theworld in a way that protects
your well-being while remainingopen to the richness and
diversity of human relationships.
It's about finding thatdelicate balance where you're
(19:39):
neither overly guarded norexcessively exposed.
It's like that sweet spot inbetween.
It's a state where yourempathic nature can thrive in
harmony with, also, your needfor personal space and peace.
So, being really honest withyourself about your own barriers
(20:00):
, understanding your ownbarriers, is pivotal in
nurturing healthy relationships.
It's not just about keepingothers out.
It's about letting the rightexperiences in in a way that
preserves and respects yourinner sanctuary.
So let's talk about strikingthat balance.
It's a delicate balance, butit's needed for healthier and
(20:24):
more fulfilling empathicexperience.
Maintaining boundaries is an art, especially when we're faced
with criticism or pushback, andwhat I'd like to explore now is
the terrain of standing firm inyour boundaries even when others
don't agree with you.
Getting good at maintainingyour boundaries is about
(20:44):
communicating your needs withclarity and compassion, not just
for others, but for yourself,right?
You wanna remember that yourboundaries are not a debate for
the court of public opinion.
They're a declaration of yourself-respect and self-worth.
Standing firm in yourboundaries, particularly when
others challenge them, is akinto navigating a more complex
(21:08):
emotional landscape.
So, for instance, let's say,family members are questioning
your choices.
It's not uncommon for impasseand highly sensitive people to
encounter skepticism or evenoutright criticism from family
when they start to assert theirneeds.
Maybe you'll hear why are youbeing so sensitive?
(21:28):
Or you've changed?
You're not as helpful as youused to be?
In these moments, the key is torespond with calm assertiveness
.
You want to affirm yourboundaries without being
defensive.
This can be more difficult whenyou begin to set boundaries and
you haven't done it before, andyou're in a more survival place
(21:49):
in your life where you'vereached a limit and you have to
change your life dramaticallyand quickly.
When we're in this place ofsurvival, we can come off as
more abrasive, but that's onlybecause we're in a place of
survival.
The goal is to get to a placewhere you're softened into your
boundaries.
It comes from a more empoweredstate, not from a state of
(22:13):
desperation.
So to affirming your boundarieswithout being defensive.
What can help is coming from amore practical approach, and you
can do this by using Istatements that focus on your
feelings and needs.
So, as an example, I understandyour concern, but I need to do
what's best for my emotionalhealth.
(22:35):
Now, in friendships, thechallenge can often come from
friends pushing you to bend yournewly set rules.
So maybe they don't understandwhy you can no longer be their
go-to person at all hours or whyyou're suddenly prioritizing
self-care over impromptugatherings.
So, with friendships,consistency in your boundaries
(22:59):
is so important, so you cangently but firmly reiterate your
limits each time you're tested.
You can say things like I valueour friendship a lot, but I
also need to honor my personaltime.
Let's find a time that worksfor both of us.
So what that does is it'sstriking a balance between
(23:20):
maintaining your boundaries andnurturing your relationships.
Now what about your work?
So workplace presents its ownset of challenges.
So it can be with colleagues orsuperiors, and sometimes they
may dismiss your limits.
Maybe this can manifest asexpectations to work overtime or
(23:43):
to take on more than your fairshare at work.
In those type of scenarios,clarity and professionalism are
your allies.
So you want to articulate yourboundaries clearly, maybe during
a meeting or through a wellthought out email, for instance.
You can say for instance, youcan say things like I'm
(24:06):
committed to delivering qualitywork within our agreed timeline,
so to maintain the standard, Iwon't be able to take on
additional projects beyond mycurrent capacity.
So, asserting yourself in thismanner, what that does is it
demonstrates not only yourdedication to your work, but
also your commitment to asustainable work life balance.
(24:27):
So when we address challengeswith grace and assertiveness,
we're reinforcing our boundaries, while we're also fostering
understanding and respect fromeveryone around us.
So I have a question for youwhen was the last time you felt
resentful?
Think about that for a second.
(24:48):
Who were you resenting and whatwere you resenting?
Was it something they did?
Was it something they said?
Are there specific people inyour life that you find yourself
repeatedly resenting?
Resentment is not just anunpleasant emotion.
It's a powerful indicator and Iwanted to code what resentment
(25:10):
can teach us about ourboundaries.
So resentment is often seen asa negative emotion, and it is
right.
But for impasse and highlysensitive people, it can be a
guiding light to understandingwhere boundaries need to be set.
And what I want to explore hereis how our feelings of
resentment are clues that signalareas in our lives where our
(25:33):
boundaries are being crossed orneglected.
Let's dive into some real lifeexamples.
Maybe you feel like you'rebeing taken advantage of at work
, or maybe you're feelingunappreciated in relationships,
and how these feelings arepointing to a need for boundary
setting.
I want you to think ofresentment as your emotional GPS
, guiding you towards healthierinteractions and healthier
(25:58):
self-care practices.
Resentment often emerges as asilent alarm, meaning that our
personal boundaries are beingbreached or overlooked.
So this feeling, particularlycommon among impasse and highly
sensitive people, can manifestin various aspects of life.
For instance, consider thefeeling of being taken advantage
(26:21):
of at work.
So this might occur when you'rerepeatedly asked to stay late.
Or maybe you're asked to takeon extra tasks because
colleagues know you won't say no.
So the simmering resentmentthat follows is not just about
the extra work.
It's a sign that yourboundaries around personal time
(26:42):
and workload are being ignored.
And, side note, maybe it's asign that you know what your
boundaries are around personaltime and workload and you're
refusing to honor them andcommunicate them.
So remember that the resentmentthat we feel for others around
what they're asking from us canbe pointed towards the fact that
(27:03):
we're unwilling to ask for whatwe need.
And it's easier to resentothers than to do the difficult
work and maybe it feels likedifficult work to set that
boundary to begin with.
What this is is it's your innerself, signaling that the balance
between professional commitmentand personal well-being is off
kilter.
And what about personalrelationships?
(27:23):
So feeling unappreciated is areally good telltale sign of
boundary issues.
It may show up in always beingthe one who makes compromises,
or maybe constantly catering toyour partner's needs while yours
remain unaddressed.
So this breeds resentment,which is essentially a response
(27:47):
to unmet needs and a lack ofreciprocal care and respect.
It's a clear indicator thatboundaries need to be set and
communicated.
And when boundaries are set andcommunicated, that then allows
you to create a more balancedand mutually respectful
relationship.
Without recognizing andaddressing these feelings, the
(28:08):
resentment will grow, and whatthat does eventually is.
It leads to a breakdown incommunication and, ultimately,
the breakdown of therelationship.
So recognizing and interpretingthese signals of resentment is
so crucial Starts withself-awareness, acknowledging
that the resentment is valid andunderstanding what it's trying
(28:30):
to tell you.
So, once identified, the nextstep is to act on these insights
.
This might involve havinghonest conversations about
workload with your manager orexpressing your needs more
clearly in your relationships.
It's about turning thesefeelings into constructive
(28:50):
actions that lead to setting orreinforcing boundaries.
Acting on resentment is notabout pointing fingers or
assigning blame.
It's about takingresponsibility for your own
well-being and creating a lifethat respects your limits and
values.
This approach is not only goingto alleviate resentment, but it
(29:11):
also empowers you to buildhealthier, more sustainable
relationships and workenvironments.
I want to give you a quickexample so you can see for
yourself what resentment does torelationships, especially ones
that don't have boundaries.
Let's say you have a familymember and each time you have
(29:31):
family gatherings and thatfamily member comes over, they
behave in a certain way that youknow you don't like.
Let's go back seven years.
Let's say seven years ago thisperson came over to your house
and they did something that youdidn't like you knew in your
body it wasn't something youwere okay with, but you didn't
say anything.
You told yourself things likethey should know better, or what
(29:56):
kind of person are they to dothat?
And then you say things like oh, how rude they are, how
inconsiderate or howdisrespectful, right, you start
to judge and break down theircharacter.
And then the person comes overagain and they do the same
behavior and you do the samebehavior.
You don't say anything, but youassault their character in your
(30:17):
head.
You're building up resentment.
So years go by and now theresentment is so heavy and you
still haven't communicated yourneeds that you decide I'm never
having that person over again.
That's it, we're done.
If the boundary was set the veryfirst day they came over, the
relationship might have beensaved.
Now here's something else thatmight happen.
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Maybe, after years of theirvisits and your resentment has
built, you finally blow up onthem.
The anger in the pent up energythat has been building for
years is because of the lack ofboundaries.
It's not from their behavior.
It's from you knowing that youhad a boundary that they were
(30:59):
crossing and you being tooafraid to set the boundary.
Instead, we build stories ofit's their problem.
They should know better and weput it all on them and then we
carry the backpack of resentmentaround for years, putting all
the onus on them to change.
This example is a boundarylesson.
(31:20):
It's not about changing theirbehavior.
It's about being aware of whatyour boundary was and you
ignoring it and notcommunicating it.
So if you find yourself in thatsituation where you've let
something go for a long time andyou can feel the heaviness of
the resentment, what I say is,once you get to the point of
setting that boundary, let go ofthe past, because, remember,
(31:43):
all the anger and resentmentthat you're holding is because
the boundary wasn't set day one.
So set the boundary on day 675and understand that you can let
go of every day before 675,because the resentment was being
carried around only because theboundary wasn't set on day one.
(32:03):
Okay, so knowing you needboundaries is one thing,
articulating them is another.
So what I want to do now is Iwant to give you the words to do
that, and maybe you alreadyknow this.
Maybe you know that when youfirst started communicating your
boundaries, it felt daunting,or maybe it still feels daunting
, but having the right words canreally make the difference.
(32:26):
So what I want to do is I wantto go into specific scripts and
phrases that can help youexpress your boundaries clearly
and with confidence.
So, whether it's declining aninvitation without guilt or
asking for space in arelationship, or maybe it's
setting limits at work, what Iwant to do is I want to provide
(32:46):
you with a variety of maybeexamples or even templates, and
you can use these scripts formore than just the words.
I want you to use the tools forempowerment and self-advocacy.
So in this realm of settingboundaries, the language we use
can significantly impact how ourmessage is received and
(33:09):
respected.
So here are some specificscripts and phrases, along with
some examples, that can help youexpress your boundaries more
clearly and confidently.
So first is declining requests.
So when you're asked to take onmore than you can handle, a
simple yet effective way ofdoing that is, you can say I
(33:32):
appreciate you for thinking ofme for this, but I won't be able
to commit to put in the taskand request at this time.
So what that does is theresponse is straightforward and
respectful and it's alsoacknowledging the request while
firmly stating your limit.
So let's say, a colleague asksyou to take over an additional
(33:54):
project.
You might say something likeI'm currently focused on my
existing projects and I want toensure I do them justice, so I
can't take on another one rightnow.
Okay, so next up is asking forpersonal space.
In situations where you mightneed to assert your need for
space, you might want to saysomething like I value our time
(34:17):
together.
I also need some time formyself to recharge.
So let's plan to reconnect ormeet up on, and then you give a
specific day or time Okay.
So this script is particularlyuseful in personal relationships
.
So, for instance, if a friendis demanding more of your time
(34:37):
than you can offer, you mightsay something like I really
enjoy our catch ups, but I'mneeding some quiet evenings this
week to unwind.
How about we meet for lunchnext Saturday?
Okay, so what about settinglimits at work?
So, to set boundaries in a moreprofessional setting, you want
to be clear and concise.
Right, which works the best.
(34:58):
For instance, you can saysomething like to ensure the
quality of my work, I need tofocus on my current
responsibilities.
I won't be able to take onadditional tasks like and then
you say the specific task, right.
For example, let's say yourboss is overloading you with
work.
You can say I'm committed todelivering high quality results
(35:19):
on my current projects, sotaking on more would compromise
my quality of work, so I'munable to accept any additional
tasks right now.
Now I know that I said thatthese scripts were specific to
personal relationships orsetting limits at work, but
really you can tailor them tosuit different situations and
relationships.
(35:39):
The key is to be direct, butyou want to be courteous, right,
so that ensures your message isclear without being
confrontational.
So you want to remember it'snot just about what you say, but
how you're saying it.
So using a calm and steady toneconveys confidence and helps
(36:00):
the other person understand andrespect your boundaries.
It's important to avoidover-explaining which we can do
a lot or justifying yourboundaries.
You want to state them clearlyand respectfully.
This approach not only helpsyou set healthy, clear
boundaries, but you're morelikely to be respected by others
.
All right, so I know that weall know that boundaries are
(36:22):
essential, but where do we drawthe line between setting
boundaries and exerting control?
So in our final segment, what Iwant to do is I want to tackle a
crucial question how do wedifferentiate between setting
healthy boundaries andattempting to control others?
It's a thin line and it's avery important one.
(36:45):
So boundaries are aboutprotecting your emotional
well-being.
Control is about imposing yourwill on others and learning the
difference is key to not onlysetting healthy boundaries, but
also building relationshipsbased on respect and mutual
understanding.
Healthy boundaries and controlmight seem similar in their
(37:07):
methods of limiting interaction,but their motivation and their
impacts are vastly different.
So let's consider a fewexamples and scenarios to
illustrate the difference.
So imagine a person who, in thename of setting boundaries,
dictates how others shouldbehave or feel.
They may say something like youcan't go out with your friends
(37:29):
because it makes me anxious.
So here what's happening is theindividual is not expressing a
boundary.
They're attempting to controlthe other's actions, to manage
their own emotions.
So this is a clear example ofwhere the line between self-care
and control gets blurred.
So, in contrast, a healthyboundary would look different.
(37:51):
It may sound like I feelanxious when you're out late, so
I'd appreciate a text to knowyou're safe.
So this statement sets aboundary around personal anxiety
without infringing on the otherperson's freedom.
It's about expressing needs andfeelings without imposing them
(38:12):
on someone else.
So this approach not onlyrespects personal limits but
honors the independence ofothers.
It's an example of self-carethat doesn't veer into
controlling behavior.
So another scenario involvesworkplace interactions.
So an individual attempting tocontrol might say I don't want
(38:34):
you working on projects withother teams because I need your
full attention on our work.
So this is an attempt tocontrol the colleagues' work
relationships and opportunities.
So what that is usually stemmedfrom is a place of insecurity
or a desire to monopolize theirskills.
So, in contrast, a healthyboundary would involve a
(38:56):
conversation about workload andpriorities and that would look
like I've noticed our project isbehind schedule.
Let's discuss how we can manageour workload to meet our
deadlines.
So this approach addresses theconcern without limiting the
colleagues' professionalinteractions.
(39:17):
Recognizing the shift fromself-care to control it often
requires introspection.
It's about asking yourselfwhether the intent is to protect
personal emotional well-beingor to change others' behavior to
suit personal comfort.
I'm going to say that again.
It's about asking yourself ismy intent to protect my personal
(39:40):
emotional well-being or is itto change someone else's
behavior to suit my personalcomfort?
So boundaries are aboutcreating a safe, comfortable
space for yourself, not aboutrestricting others' freedoms or
choices.
So when feelings of wanting tocontrol arise, it's often a
(40:02):
signal to examine yourinsecurities or your fears,
rather than an issue to be fixedby changing others' behaviors.
Understanding the essence oftrue boundaries is critical.
They're an act of self-love andrespect, not tools for
manipulation or control.
Boundaries allow for honestcommunication and mutual respect
(40:24):
in relationships.
They help in acknowledging andtaking responsibility for your
own emotional state, rather thanshifting that responsibility
onto others.
True boundaries enhancerelationships by fostering a
sense of trust and independence.
Where control what that does isit undermines and damages the
foundation of mutual respect andunderstanding.
(40:46):
All right, guys, as we bringtoday's journey of an impasse
boundary blueprint to a close, Iwant to take a moment to honor
the steps you're taking just bylistening to this episode.
Remember, understanding andsetting boundaries is a profound
act of self-love andself-respect.
It's not always easy, but it'salways worth it.
(41:08):
Your emotional well-being ispriceless and your ability to
navigate this world as an empathor a highly sensitive person is
unique and it deserves to beprotected.
I encourage you to reflect onthe insight and reflect on the
strategies that we've sharedtoday.
Which segment resonated with youmost?
Is there a specific boundaryyou feel inspired to set or
(41:32):
reinforce?
Remember, this is a journey andyou're not alone.
The realized empath communityis here to support and uplift
you.
As always.
If you found value in today'sepisode, please share it with a
friend or a loved one who mightalso benefit from the insights.
Your sharing helps me reach andempower more impasse and highly
(41:53):
sensitive people, creating aworld where our sensitivities
are celebrated and nurtured.
Don't forget to subscribe tothe Realized Empath Podcast for
more episodes like this.
I'm here to support you inembracing your empathic gifts
and transforming them into yourgreatest strength.
Before we part ways, take adeep breath and remember your
(42:16):
boundaries are your bridge tobalance, not barriers to
connection.
Keep honoring your needs,embrace your empathic nature and
step forward with confidenceand clarity.
You are capable, you aredeserving and you are not alone.
Thank you for being here, forbeing you and for taking this
step today.
Until next time, stay empoweredand true to your beautiful
(42:39):
empathic self.
Take care.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
Thanks for listening to the Realized Empath Podcast.
Revisit past episodes orcontact Kristen at
RealizedEmpathcom.
Did you love this episode?
Please share it with a friend.
Thanks for tuning in, Untilnext time.
Sensitive souls.
You're listening to the Realized Empath Podcast,
where we get real about lovingand stumbling through our
sensitive lives With your hostand holistic counselor, Kristin
Schwartz, who helps redefinewhat's possible for an empath
who embraces a path ofself-healing.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello, beautiful souls, welcome back to the
Realized Empath Podcast.
We're sanctuary for exploringall things empathic.
In today's episode, an empath'sboundary blueprint, we're
taking an empowering exploration.
So have you ever felt like asponge, absorbing every emotion
(00:45):
around you?
Or maybe you found yourself sointertwined in others' needs
that you forgot your own?
If you've ever felt overwhelmedby the intensity of your
empathic gifts, you're not alone, and today's episode, I hope,
can be a beacon of light.
We're not just talking aboutboundaries.
We're talking about arevolution in self-care and
(01:08):
self-respect.
So get ready for an eye-openingjourney into the world of
empaths and highly sensitivepeople.
Let's redefine our limits andreclaim our energy.
This episode is more than justa conversation about boundaries.
It's an invitation fortransformation.
Let's start with the basics.
What exactly is an empath or ahighly sensitive person or HSP?
(01:32):
So picture a world where everyemotion, nuance and energy is
absorbed and deeply felt.
That's the daily reality forempaths and highly sensitive
people.
In today's episode, we're goingto go into the nuances of these
traits and how they shape ourperceptions, interactions and
(01:56):
even our relationships.
It's like living in a worldwith amplified emotions, where
the subtle becomes significant.
But this heightened sensitivitycomes with a cost, sometimes
Without boundaries.
The empathic experience can belike riding a roller coaster
with no breaks.
It's thrilling, sure, butpotentially overwhelming.
(02:19):
So we're going to explore thedelicate balance between
embracing your sensitivities andprotecting your inner peace.
So empaths and highly sensitivepeople possess an extraordinary
ability to perceive and feel theemotions of others.
This heightened sensitivityshapes every aspect of our lives
(02:42):
, from how we interact withpeople to how we process
surroundings.
It's like having an emotionalradar that's always on, picking
up the subtlest signals thatmost people might miss.
For an empath, a simpleconversation is more than just
an exchange of words.
It's an intricate dance ofemotions, tone, body language
(03:06):
and energy, and they can sensenot just what is being said, but
what is left unsaid, the hiddenfeelings and unspoken truths.
This can lead to profoundconnection and deep
understanding, but it can beincredibly taxing too.
The emotional load can be heavy, especially if we struggle to
(03:27):
differentiate our feelings fromthose of others.
When it comes to interactions,empaths and highly sensitive
people often find themselves inthe role of confidant or healer.
Or maybe you're the personeveryone calls when their life
is falling apart, yet you feellike when yours is falling apart
, you hear crickets.
So empaths and highly sensitivepeople naturally attract those
(03:50):
who seek empathy andunderstanding, and while this
can be fulfilling at times, italso poses a challenge.
Without clear boundaries, wecan become overwhelmed by
others' needs and lose sight ofour own.
So this sensitivity extends torelationships.
Impassant, highly sensitivepeople tend to experience
emotions more intensely.
(04:11):
This depth of feeling can leadto rich and meaningful
relationships, but it also meansthat conflicts or
misunderstandings can be deeplyhurtful.
Learning to navigate thesewaters is so important.
It's about finding the balancebetween openness and
self-protection, right Betweenempathy and self-preservation.
(04:33):
The key lies in embracing thesesensitivities while also
guarding your inner peace.
It's a delicate balance indeed.
Impassant, highly sensitivepeople need to develop the
skills to protect their energy,like setting emotional
boundaries, practicing self-care, learning to distinguish
between absorbing emotions andacknowledging them.
(04:55):
This isn't about shutting outthe world.
It's about creating a spacewhere we can thrive without
being overwhelmed by theemotional noise.
By embracing this balance,we're not just surviving, we're
flourishing.
Our sensitivity once a sourceof challenge becomes our
greatest strength, a tool fordeep connection, empathy and
(05:18):
understanding in a world thatdesperately needs it.
So understanding our empathicnature sets the stage for today.
So let's see what happens whenwe live without boundaries.
So imagine a day in the life ofan empath with no boundaries,
barring every emotion, sayingyes to every request, constantly
(05:38):
being the shoulder to cry on.
In this segment, what we'regoing to do is paint a vivid
picture of a boundarylessexistence, a life where no is a
foreign word and personal spaceis a distant dream.
Either the friend who can'tseem to refuse a favor they're
the first one you call when youneed help moving the person who
(06:03):
will drop everything to lend anear.
It seems noble, right, butbeneath the surface there's a
constant draining undercurrentof needing to be needed.
This friend may fear thatsaying no could lead to
rejection or a loss ofconnection.
(06:23):
So they stretch themselves then, often at the expense of their
own needs.
Then there's that colleague,the one who always stays late at
work to help, long aftereveryone else has left the
office.
You know they're seen as theteam player, the reliable one.
But what drives this relentlessair quotes commitment so often?
(06:47):
It's a deep-rooted desire to beindispensable, to prove their
worth.
And they're proving their worththrough their willingness to
sacrifice personal time andwell-being.
And this behavior, whileinitially made garner praise,
can lead to burnout andresentment, both from themselves
and their colleagues who maystart to take their efforts for
(07:10):
granted.
And let's not overlook theparent, who puts everyone else's
needs first.
Their entire life revolvesaround their family, often
neglecting their own hobbies,rest and social life.
So, while their dedication totheir family is unquestionable,
their self-neglect stems from amisunderstanding of what it
(07:31):
means to be caring right, sothat parent equates love and
care with self-sacrifice, notrealizing that by neglecting
their own needs they're not onlydepleting themselves, but
they're also setting an examplefor their children that personal
well-being is not a priority.
So I know the psychology behindthese examples is complex.
(07:54):
So the fear of rejection is apowerful motivator, and what can
happen is it can lead people tooverextend themselves in the
hope of maintaining connections,approval, attention and what we
may mislabel as love.
(08:15):
So the desire to beindispensable is another
compelling factor.
We live in a world that oftenequates worth with productivity
and helpfulness, and it's easyto fall into the trap of
believing that our value comesfrom being perpetually available
and accommodating.
Think about this for a second.
(08:36):
How many times has a text comethrough to your phone and you
have felt this need toimmediately answer?
It's like this sense of urgency.
You know, I'm old enough toremember that before cell phones
, if someone called you at homeand you weren't there or you
weren't able to answer the phone, maybe they left a message on
(09:00):
your answering machine, but youwould get back to them when you
were at home and when you hadthe time.
Now we have this sense ofurgency where people actually
expect you, when they text, toanswer immediately.
I've even heard people say Iknow they always have their
phone, why aren't they answering?
So I challenge you the nexttime a text comes through, just
(09:21):
notice your body reaction,notice what your needs are in
that moment.
Respond to texts when you havethe space and when you are
willing and able.
So this need or this desire ordrive to be perpetually
available and accommodating is ashadow side of empathy, the
part that compulsively gives,not out of pure altruism, but
(09:47):
out of this deep-seated fear andmisunderstanding.
It's a slippery slope that canlead to emotional exhaustion and
loss of identity and evenresentment towards those you're
trying to help.
That's why understanding andestablishing boundaries is not
just important, it's essential.
So boundaries allow us to givewithout depleting ourselves.
(10:09):
They enable us to care forothers while also caring for
ourselves.
It's not about becoming lessempathetic or less caring.
It's about understanding thattrue empathy includes being
empathetic to yourself.
Realization is the first steptowards a more balanced and
healthy way of living and lovingas an empath or highly
(10:31):
sensitive person.
Setting boundaries I know itsounds straightforward.
Well, maybe that's not yourexperience and it's not always
so easy as it sounds.
So in this next segment we'regoing to reveal, we're going to
talk about why it's sometimeseasier said than done.
So why is setting boundaries sotough, especially for empaths
and HSPs?
It's a multifaceted dilemmawhich can involve guilt and fear
(10:55):
and social conditioning, andmany of us were taught that
being good means putting othersfirst, always.
So what I want to do is I wantto dissect these myths and
uncover the deep-seated fearsthat hold us back.
Is it the fear of conflict orthe guilt of not being enough?
Or maybe it's the worry ofbeing perceived as selfish?
(11:18):
I want to address the internaland external pressures, like
from the voice in your head thatsays you're letting people down
to maybe real-life pushbackthat you're going to get.
So boundaries for many of usare entangled in a web of guilt
and fear and social conditioning, and it makes setting them feel
(11:40):
like an insurmountablechallenge.
So guilt often emerges as acentral theme, especially in
cultures or families whereself-sacrifice is glorified.
There's a pervasive myth thatprioritizing your needs is
selfish or indicates a lack ofcaring for others.
(12:03):
So this guilt is compounded byfear.
So, like the fear of how otherswill react, fear of being seen
as unkind or maybe uncooperative, and also a big one, the
deep-seated fear of rejection orabandonment.
So I get it.
And while these fears aren'tunfounded because they're often
(12:27):
rooted in past experiences wheremaybe asserting your needs led
to negative outcomes, and thatmakes the prospect of setting
boundaries seem risky.
So dissecting these myths, whatit does is it reveals how deeply
ingrained beliefs aboutself-worth and acceptance
(12:47):
influence our behavior.
Many of us grow up with thenotion that our value is tied to
how much we do for others.
What that does, though, is itleads to this relentless pursuit
of approval and validationthrough selflessness.
This belief system, what itdoes is it creates a false
psychotomy where taking care ofyourself is viewed as being at
(13:12):
odds with caring for others.
It ignores the possibility of abalanced approach where you can
be compassionate and supportivewhile also honoring your own
needs and your own limits.
This skewed perception alsoleads to an inner narrative that
setting boundaries is an act ofaggression or rejection, rather
(13:36):
than the truth, which is it'san act of self-care and healthy
relationship management.
The pressures of settingboundaries are not just internal
, so what ends up happening isthey manifest externally through
real life pushback.
So when someone starts to setboundaries, especially if they
(13:56):
haven't done so in the past, itdisrupts established dynamics,
and what that does is it leadsto resistance from those who are
used to your constantavailability or agreeableness.
I don't know if you've everheard this one, but it's like
the people who have realproblems with your boundaries
are those who benefited the mostfrom you not having them right.
(14:18):
So this pushback can range from, let's say, subtle guilt
tripping to outrightconfrontation, right, and this
can make the act of maintainingyour boundaries an ongoing
challenge.
And this is where a lot ofpeople just give up and they
just decide to stay withresentment, or they cut
(14:38):
relationships off completely.
The voice in our head thatcautions us against
disappointing others can be soloud, and it's often echoed by
real voices like those of ourfriends or family or colleagues
who don't want us to haveboundaries.
They're confused by the changeor they're caught off guard by
(15:02):
the newfound assertivenessNavigating these internal and
external pressures requires notjust understanding and
dismantling the myths, but alsoa strong sense of self-worth and
the conviction that settingboundaries is not just
permissible but necessary foryour emotional health and
(15:25):
wellbeing.
So now that we have a betterunderstanding of the hurdles
that we can face, let's go intothe nuances of what constitutes
a boundary and what actuallycrosses over into being a wall.
So, boundary and wall theymight seem similar, but they're
worlds apart, and what I wannatalk about is understanding the
(15:50):
critical difference.
A boundary is like a gate in afence okay, so it allows for
healthy interaction while alsomaintaining personal space,
where a wall, on the other hand,is impenetratable.
Right, it keeps everything andeveryone out.
I want you to know how torecognize if you're building a
(16:11):
wall or a boundary and maybesometimes your walls are
disguised as a boundary and Iwant you to know why this is
happening.
Right, is it a defensemechanism?
Is it a fear of vulnerability?
Knowing whether you're erectinga wall instead of setting a
boundary?
The key lies in self-awarenessand intention.
So a wall, often builtsubconsciously, stems from a
(16:37):
place of fear or past trauma.
It's a defense mechanism, andit's understandable that you
would have the defense mechanism.
But what that is?
It's a blanket solution toavoid vulnerability or more hurt
.
For instance, let's say someonehas experienced betrayal in the
(16:58):
past.
That person might decide to cutoff deep emotional connections
entirely, and their reasoningwould be if you don't let anyone
in, then you can't get hurtlike you did before.
At first this behavior mightfeel like a boundary, but it's
actually a wall blocking notjust potential pain, but also
(17:20):
potential joy and connection.
What's important isunderstanding the emotional
origin of the wall right.
So often what happens is thewalls are rooted in deep seated
insecurities or unresolvedtrauma, unresolved pain, and a
person who constantly feels letdown by others might start to
(17:44):
believe that all relationshipsare destined to disappoint them
or destined to hurt them, andthat belief system creates a
wall right that shields themfrom potential disappointment,
but it also isolates them frommeaningful interactions.
It blocks them from having thehealing relationships that would
(18:09):
aid them in building trust upagain.
Right, so it's blocking thepotential moments of healing for
them too.
It's important to recognizethese patterns.
Are you setting a boundary tohonor your well-being, or are
you erecting a wall out of fearor past pain?
Or is the wall being built froma narrative that no longer
(18:33):
serves you.
So how do we take our walls andturn them into healthy
boundaries?
So, to transform your wallsinto healthy boundaries, it
requires you to embark on ajourney of healing and
introspection.
It requires examining the pastexperiences that have shaped the
(18:54):
defense mechanisms, and thatoften involves confronting
uncomfortable emotions andchallenging long held beliefs
about yourself and about others.
The goal is to reach a placewhere you can have boundaries
from a position of strength,right and self-awareness, rather
(19:15):
than fear.
This shift from fear tostrength and self-awareness
allows you to interact with theworld in a way that protects
your well-being while remainingopen to the richness and
diversity of human relationships.
It's about finding thatdelicate balance where you're
(19:39):
neither overly guarded norexcessively exposed.
It's like that sweet spot inbetween.
It's a state where yourempathic nature can thrive in
harmony with, also, your needfor personal space and peace.
So, being really honest withyourself about your own barriers
(20:00):
, understanding your ownbarriers, is pivotal in
nurturing healthy relationships.
It's not just about keepingothers out.
It's about letting the rightexperiences in in a way that
preserves and respects yourinner sanctuary.
So let's talk about strikingthat balance.
It's a delicate balance, butit's needed for healthier and
(20:24):
more fulfilling empathicexperience.
Maintaining boundaries is an art, especially when we're faced
with criticism or pushback, andwhat I'd like to explore now is
the terrain of standing firm inyour boundaries even when others
don't agree with you.
Getting good at maintainingyour boundaries is about
(20:44):
communicating your needs withclarity and compassion, not just
for others, but for yourself,right?
You wanna remember that yourboundaries are not a debate for
the court of public opinion.
They're a declaration of yourself-respect and self-worth.
Standing firm in yourboundaries, particularly when
others challenge them, is akinto navigating a more complex
(21:08):
emotional landscape.
So, for instance, let's say,family members are questioning
your choices.
It's not uncommon for impasseand highly sensitive people to
encounter skepticism or evenoutright criticism from family
when they start to assert theirneeds.
Maybe you'll hear why are youbeing so sensitive?
(21:28):
Or you've changed?
You're not as helpful as youused to be?
In these moments, the key is torespond with calm assertiveness
.
You want to affirm yourboundaries without being
defensive.
This can be more difficult whenyou begin to set boundaries and
you haven't done it before, andyou're in a more survival place
(21:49):
in your life where you'vereached a limit and you have to
change your life dramaticallyand quickly.
When we're in this place ofsurvival, we can come off as
more abrasive, but that's onlybecause we're in a place of
survival.
The goal is to get to a placewhere you're softened into your
boundaries.
It comes from a more empoweredstate, not from a state of
(22:13):
desperation.
So to affirming your boundarieswithout being defensive.
What can help is coming from amore practical approach, and you
can do this by using Istatements that focus on your
feelings and needs.
So, as an example, I understandyour concern, but I need to do
what's best for my emotionalhealth.
(22:35):
Now, in friendships, thechallenge can often come from
friends pushing you to bend yournewly set rules.
So maybe they don't understandwhy you can no longer be their
go-to person at all hours or whyyou're suddenly prioritizing
self-care over impromptugatherings.
So, with friendships,consistency in your boundaries
(22:59):
is so important, so you cangently but firmly reiterate your
limits each time you're tested.
You can say things like I valueour friendship a lot, but I
also need to honor my personaltime.
Let's find a time that worksfor both of us.
So what that does is it'sstriking a balance between
(23:20):
maintaining your boundaries andnurturing your relationships.
Now what about your work?
So workplace presents its ownset of challenges.
So it can be with colleagues orsuperiors, and sometimes they
may dismiss your limits.
Maybe this can manifest asexpectations to work overtime or
(23:43):
to take on more than your fairshare at work.
In those type of scenarios,clarity and professionalism are
your allies.
So you want to articulate yourboundaries clearly, maybe during
a meeting or through a wellthought out email, for instance.
You can say for instance, youcan say things like I'm
(24:06):
committed to delivering qualitywork within our agreed timeline,
so to maintain the standard, Iwon't be able to take on
additional projects beyond mycurrent capacity.
So, asserting yourself in thismanner, what that does is it
demonstrates not only yourdedication to your work, but
also your commitment to asustainable work life balance.
(24:27):
So when we address challengeswith grace and assertiveness,
we're reinforcing our boundaries, while we're also fostering
understanding and respect fromeveryone around us.
So I have a question for youwhen was the last time you felt
resentful?
Think about that for a second.
(24:48):
Who were you resenting and whatwere you resenting?
Was it something they did?
Was it something they said?
Are there specific people inyour life that you find yourself
repeatedly resenting?
Resentment is not just anunpleasant emotion.
It's a powerful indicator and Iwanted to code what resentment
(25:10):
can teach us about ourboundaries.
So resentment is often seen asa negative emotion, and it is
right.
But for impasse and highlysensitive people, it can be a
guiding light to understandingwhere boundaries need to be set.
And what I want to explore hereis how our feelings of
resentment are clues that signalareas in our lives where our
(25:33):
boundaries are being crossed orneglected.
Let's dive into some real lifeexamples.
Maybe you feel like you'rebeing taken advantage of at work
, or maybe you're feelingunappreciated in relationships,
and how these feelings arepointing to a need for boundary
setting.
I want you to think ofresentment as your emotional GPS
, guiding you towards healthierinteractions and healthier
(25:58):
self-care practices.
Resentment often emerges as asilent alarm, meaning that our
personal boundaries are beingbreached or overlooked.
So this feeling, particularlycommon among impasse and highly
sensitive people, can manifestin various aspects of life.
For instance, consider thefeeling of being taken advantage
(26:21):
of at work.
So this might occur when you'rerepeatedly asked to stay late.
Or maybe you're asked to takeon extra tasks because
colleagues know you won't say no.
So the simmering resentmentthat follows is not just about
the extra work.
It's a sign that yourboundaries around personal time
(26:42):
and workload are being ignored.
And, side note, maybe it's asign that you know what your
boundaries are around personaltime and workload and you're
refusing to honor them andcommunicate them.
So remember that the resentmentthat we feel for others around
what they're asking from us canbe pointed towards the fact that
(27:03):
we're unwilling to ask for whatwe need.
And it's easier to resentothers than to do the difficult
work and maybe it feels likedifficult work to set that
boundary to begin with.
What this is is it's your innerself, signaling that the balance
between professional commitmentand personal well-being is off
kilter.
And what about personalrelationships?
(27:23):
So feeling unappreciated is areally good telltale sign of
boundary issues.
It may show up in always beingthe one who makes compromises,
or maybe constantly catering toyour partner's needs while yours
remain unaddressed.
So this breeds resentment,which is essentially a response
(27:47):
to unmet needs and a lack ofreciprocal care and respect.
It's a clear indicator thatboundaries need to be set and
communicated.
And when boundaries are set andcommunicated, that then allows
you to create a more balancedand mutually respectful
relationship.
Without recognizing andaddressing these feelings, the
(28:08):
resentment will grow, and whatthat does eventually is.
It leads to a breakdown incommunication and, ultimately,
the breakdown of therelationship.
So recognizing and interpretingthese signals of resentment is
so crucial Starts withself-awareness, acknowledging
that the resentment is valid andunderstanding what it's trying
(28:30):
to tell you.
So, once identified, the nextstep is to act on these insights
.
This might involve havinghonest conversations about
workload with your manager orexpressing your needs more
clearly in your relationships.
It's about turning thesefeelings into constructive
(28:50):
actions that lead to setting orreinforcing boundaries.
Acting on resentment is notabout pointing fingers or
assigning blame.
It's about takingresponsibility for your own
well-being and creating a lifethat respects your limits and
values.
This approach is not only goingto alleviate resentment, but it
(29:11):
also empowers you to buildhealthier, more sustainable
relationships and workenvironments.
I want to give you a quickexample so you can see for
yourself what resentment does torelationships, especially ones
that don't have boundaries.
Let's say you have a familymember and each time you have
(29:31):
family gatherings and thatfamily member comes over, they
behave in a certain way that youknow you don't like.
Let's go back seven years.
Let's say seven years ago thisperson came over to your house
and they did something that youdidn't like you knew in your
body it wasn't something youwere okay with, but you didn't
say anything.
You told yourself things likethey should know better, or what
(29:56):
kind of person are they to dothat?
And then you say things like oh, how rude they are, how
inconsiderate or howdisrespectful, right, you start
to judge and break down theircharacter.
And then the person comes overagain and they do the same
behavior and you do the samebehavior.
You don't say anything, but youassault their character in your
(30:17):
head.
You're building up resentment.
So years go by and now theresentment is so heavy and you
still haven't communicated yourneeds that you decide I'm never
having that person over again.
That's it, we're done.
If the boundary was set the veryfirst day they came over, the
relationship might have beensaved.
Now here's something else thatmight happen.
(30:39):
Maybe, after years of theirvisits and your resentment has
built, you finally blow up onthem.
The anger in the pent up energythat has been building for
years is because of the lack ofboundaries.
It's not from their behavior.
It's from you knowing that youhad a boundary that they were
(30:59):
crossing and you being tooafraid to set the boundary.
Instead, we build stories ofit's their problem.
They should know better and weput it all on them and then we
carry the backpack of resentmentaround for years, putting all
the onus on them to change.
This example is a boundarylesson.
(31:20):
It's not about changing theirbehavior.
It's about being aware of whatyour boundary was and you
ignoring it and notcommunicating it.
So if you find yourself in thatsituation where you've let
something go for a long time andyou can feel the heaviness of
the resentment, what I say is,once you get to the point of
setting that boundary, let go ofthe past, because, remember,
(31:43):
all the anger and resentmentthat you're holding is because
the boundary wasn't set day one.
So set the boundary on day 675and understand that you can let
go of every day before 675,because the resentment was being
carried around only because theboundary wasn't set on day one.
(32:03):
Okay, so knowing you needboundaries is one thing,
articulating them is another.
So what I want to do now is Iwant to give you the words to do
that, and maybe you alreadyknow this.
Maybe you know that when youfirst started communicating your
boundaries, it felt daunting,or maybe it still feels daunting
, but having the right words canreally make the difference.
(32:26):
So what I want to do is I wantto go into specific scripts and
phrases that can help youexpress your boundaries clearly
and with confidence.
So, whether it's declining aninvitation without guilt or
asking for space in arelationship, or maybe it's
setting limits at work, what Iwant to do is I want to provide
(32:46):
you with a variety of maybeexamples or even templates, and
you can use these scripts formore than just the words.
I want you to use the tools forempowerment and self-advocacy.
So in this realm of settingboundaries, the language we use
can significantly impact how ourmessage is received and
(33:09):
respected.
So here are some specificscripts and phrases, along with
some examples, that can help youexpress your boundaries more
clearly and confidently.
So first is declining requests.
So when you're asked to take onmore than you can handle, a
simple yet effective way ofdoing that is, you can say I
(33:32):
appreciate you for thinking ofme for this, but I won't be able
to commit to put in the taskand request at this time.
So what that does is theresponse is straightforward and
respectful and it's alsoacknowledging the request while
firmly stating your limit.
So let's say, a colleague asksyou to take over an additional
(33:54):
project.
You might say something likeI'm currently focused on my
existing projects and I want toensure I do them justice, so I
can't take on another one rightnow.
Okay, so next up is asking forpersonal space.
In situations where you mightneed to assert your need for
space, you might want to saysomething like I value our time
(34:17):
together.
I also need some time formyself to recharge.
So let's plan to reconnect ormeet up on, and then you give a
specific day or time Okay.
So this script is particularlyuseful in personal relationships
.
So, for instance, if a friendis demanding more of your time
(34:37):
than you can offer, you mightsay something like I really
enjoy our catch ups, but I'mneeding some quiet evenings this
week to unwind.
How about we meet for lunchnext Saturday?
Okay, so what about settinglimits at work?
So, to set boundaries in a moreprofessional setting, you want
to be clear and concise.
Right, which works the best.
(34:58):
For instance, you can saysomething like to ensure the
quality of my work, I need tofocus on my current
responsibilities.
I won't be able to take onadditional tasks like and then
you say the specific task, right.
For example, let's say yourboss is overloading you with
work.
You can say I'm committed todelivering high quality results
(35:19):
on my current projects, sotaking on more would compromise
my quality of work, so I'munable to accept any additional
tasks right now.
Now I know that I said thatthese scripts were specific to
personal relationships orsetting limits at work, but
really you can tailor them tosuit different situations and
relationships.
(35:39):
The key is to be direct, butyou want to be courteous, right,
so that ensures your message isclear without being
confrontational.
So you want to remember it'snot just about what you say, but
how you're saying it.
So using a calm and steady toneconveys confidence and helps
(36:00):
the other person understand andrespect your boundaries.
It's important to avoidover-explaining which we can do
a lot or justifying yourboundaries.
You want to state them clearlyand respectfully.
This approach not only helpsyou set healthy, clear
boundaries, but you're morelikely to be respected by others
.
All right, so I know that weall know that boundaries are
(36:22):
essential, but where do we drawthe line between setting
boundaries and exerting control?
So in our final segment, what Iwant to do is I want to tackle a
crucial question how do wedifferentiate between setting
healthy boundaries andattempting to control others?
It's a thin line and it's avery important one.
(36:45):
So boundaries are aboutprotecting your emotional
well-being.
Control is about imposing yourwill on others and learning the
difference is key to not onlysetting healthy boundaries, but
also building relationshipsbased on respect and mutual
understanding.
Healthy boundaries and controlmight seem similar in their
(37:07):
methods of limiting interaction,but their motivation and their
impacts are vastly different.
So let's consider a fewexamples and scenarios to
illustrate the difference.
So imagine a person who, in thename of setting boundaries,
dictates how others shouldbehave or feel.
They may say something like youcan't go out with your friends
(37:29):
because it makes me anxious.
So here what's happening is theindividual is not expressing a
boundary.
They're attempting to controlthe other's actions, to manage
their own emotions.
So this is a clear example ofwhere the line between self-care
and control gets blurred.
So, in contrast, a healthyboundary would look different.
(37:51):
It may sound like I feelanxious when you're out late, so
I'd appreciate a text to knowyou're safe.
So this statement sets aboundary around personal anxiety
without infringing on the otherperson's freedom.
It's about expressing needs andfeelings without imposing them
(38:12):
on someone else.
So this approach not onlyrespects personal limits but
honors the independence ofothers.
It's an example of self-carethat doesn't veer into
controlling behavior.
So another scenario involvesworkplace interactions.
So an individual attempting tocontrol might say I don't want
(38:34):
you working on projects withother teams because I need your
full attention on our work.
So this is an attempt tocontrol the colleagues' work
relationships and opportunities.
So what that is usually stemmedfrom is a place of insecurity
or a desire to monopolize theirskills.
So, in contrast, a healthyboundary would involve a
(38:56):
conversation about workload andpriorities and that would look
like I've noticed our project isbehind schedule.
Let's discuss how we can manageour workload to meet our
deadlines.
So this approach addresses theconcern without limiting the
colleagues' professionalinteractions.
(39:17):
Recognizing the shift fromself-care to control it often
requires introspection.
It's about asking yourselfwhether the intent is to protect
personal emotional well-beingor to change others' behavior to
suit personal comfort.
I'm going to say that again.
It's about asking yourself ismy intent to protect my personal
(39:40):
emotional well-being or is itto change someone else's
behavior to suit my personalcomfort?
So boundaries are aboutcreating a safe, comfortable
space for yourself, not aboutrestricting others' freedoms or
choices.
So when feelings of wanting tocontrol arise, it's often a
(40:02):
signal to examine yourinsecurities or your fears,
rather than an issue to be fixedby changing others' behaviors.
Understanding the essence oftrue boundaries is critical.
They're an act of self-love andrespect, not tools for
manipulation or control.
Boundaries allow for honestcommunication and mutual respect
(40:24):
in relationships.
They help in acknowledging andtaking responsibility for your
own emotional state, rather thanshifting that responsibility
onto others.
True boundaries enhancerelationships by fostering a
sense of trust and independence.
Where control what that does isit undermines and damages the
foundation of mutual respect andunderstanding.
(40:46):
All right, guys, as we bringtoday's journey of an impasse
boundary blueprint to a close, Iwant to take a moment to honor
the steps you're taking just bylistening to this episode.
Remember, understanding andsetting boundaries is a profound
act of self-love andself-respect.
It's not always easy, but it'salways worth it.
(41:08):
Your emotional well-being ispriceless and your ability to
navigate this world as an empathor a highly sensitive person is
unique and it deserves to beprotected.
I encourage you to reflect onthe insight and reflect on the
strategies that we've sharedtoday.
Which segment resonated with youmost?
Is there a specific boundaryyou feel inspired to set or
(41:32):
reinforce?
Remember, this is a journey andyou're not alone.
The realized empath communityis here to support and uplift
you.
As always.
If you found value in today'sepisode, please share it with a
friend or a loved one who mightalso benefit from the insights.
Your sharing helps me reach andempower more impasse and highly
(41:53):
sensitive people, creating aworld where our sensitivities
are celebrated and nurtured.
Don't forget to subscribe tothe Realized Empath Podcast for
more episodes like this.
I'm here to support you inembracing your empathic gifts
and transforming them into yourgreatest strength.
Before we part ways, take adeep breath and remember your
(42:16):
boundaries are your bridge tobalance, not barriers to
connection.
Keep honoring your needs,embrace your empathic nature and
step forward with confidenceand clarity.
You are capable, you aredeserving and you are not alone.
Thank you for being here, forbeing you and for taking this
step today.
Until next time, stay empoweredand true to your beautiful
(42:39):
empathic self.
Take care.
Speaker 1 (42:43):
Thanks for listening to the Realized Empath Podcast.
Revisit past episodes orcontact Kristen at
RealizedEmpathcom.
Did you love this episode?
Please share it with a friend.
Thanks for tuning in, Untilnext time.
Sensitive souls.
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