February 5, 2024 • 30 mins
Silence can speak volumes, and I am living proof of that. My latest podcast episode is an intimate account of the profound stillness and self-discovery I experienced during a three-day silent meditation retreat within the familiar walls of my home. With every intention set to embrace the present and shed the weight of the past, I navigated through an ocean of internal dialogue to unearth insights that are both personal and universally resonant. The vulnerability shared in this narrative promises to both challenge and comfort you, as I recount the lessons learned in the quiet.
As the retreat unfolded, the serenity of the first day gave way to a storm of emotions. Bound by silence, I grappled with the echoes of a busy beach and the whispers of a past ayahuasca ceremony. It's in these moments of struggle that I uncovered a transformative self-compassion, drawing parallels between the weathering of internal tempests and the peace that follows. This episode peels back the layers of my own heartache and the cathartic release that comes from staring down the shadows we all carry. My hope is that through sharing these moments, you too will find a sense of release and the courage to rewrite your inner stories.
The journey does not end with the closing of a silent retreat; it's merely a beginning. The clarity and self-belief that emerged from those three days led to the birth of not just this podcast, but the vision of a vibrant online community. In this episode, I reflect on the delicate dance between treasuring personal growth and the pull to share it with the world. I extend an invitation to you, my listeners, to join in this unfolding conversation, to discover the solace in solitude, and to cherish the joy of finding one's voice. Together, let's explore the balance of private revelation and collective inspiration, as we continue this journey of self-discovery.
About Nina
Nina is an author, artist, musician, Human Design Specialist, and podcast host of Receptive Impact. Open & curious to adventure and change, Nina Elise navigates the path of self-discovery, inviting you to explore the boundless opportunities that arise when we step out of our comfort zones.
Become a Supporter of the Show!
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2231695/support
*Affiliate links may be in podcast show notes. Nina may receive a commission if you make a purchase after clicking on one of these links.
Music intro/outro: "In the Forest" by Lesfm
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nina Elise (00:02):
Welcome to the Receptive Impact Podcast.
I'm your host, nina Elise.
Hello everyone and welcome back.
I will be taking you on a veryintimate journey through my
experience in a three-day silentmeditation retreat.
So, if anyone is not familiarwith what a silent meditation
(00:23):
retreat is or what really goeson in it, there are typically
one, three or ten-day retreats.
Those are the most popular ones.
You can go longer, like 30 daysor longer.
It's typically done at aretreat center or in a remote
area where there is facilitatorsto help you, and it's going to
be different in different placesthat you go, so there would be
(00:45):
different types of meditationsthat you can do throughout the
whole week.
Sometimes you might listen tothings, sometimes you might have
someone that you can share ortalk with at the end of the day,
especially for those longerretreats, from a mental health
perspective, some really bigthings can come up during these
silent retreats, and so theyhave people on hand in order to
(01:06):
be there to support, andtypically the post-inner
retreats are the most popular.
So in July of 2023, I decidedto do a silent retreat, but with
a twist, in my own home, and Idecided to do it for three days,
and this was something I hadbeen looking into doing when I
was living in Mexico in 2022,but nothing really lined up.
(01:30):
When I was out there, I didn'treally find a retreat center
that I connected with, that Icould do this at, so I kind of
just set it aside and finallycame back to it in July of 2023.
And I was looking at differentretreats but nothing really felt
right and someone had actuallyplanted the seed of just staying
at home and I thought you knowwhat, nina, you will still be
(01:52):
hanging out with yourselfanyways.
So how fun would it be to do asilent retreat my way, and it's
free as a bonus.
So that was my whole journey toget to being in a silent
retreat.
My why behind doing it wasbecause I was feeling a little
bit stagnant and stuck in mylife and my mind felt so busy
(02:15):
and trying to control and saythis is what I need to do next
and I wasn't really coming froman intuitive place or being in
flow and I wanted to kind ofjust give myself space to be in
silence and being quiet andquiet my mind so that I could
connect with my intuition andwhat was really an alignment for
(02:36):
me on how to move forward in mylife.
So that was my big why and Ihad also actually heard that
people have had pretty profoundexperiences and have come up
with really great business ideaswhen they go on the post and
retreats.
So that was like another bigthing that I was like I really
want to just go in and see whathappens when my mind gets really
(02:58):
quiet and see what comes up forme, because everyone else was
having these profoundexperiences and I wanted to go
and have my own in my own way.
So before I do anything, Ireally like to set intentions
and I do this pretty much everysingle day that I wake up and
like what are my intentions forthe day.
It just helps me to be morefocused and more clear about how
(03:20):
I am showing up and what I'mputting my attention on and just
who I am being every single day.
So my intentions for this threeday mini silent retreat were
actually pretty big and I'mlaughing because I'm reading
through them right here in frontof me and I'm like, okay, these
are actually things that needto happen over like a lifetime,
but these were actually thingsthat unfolded for me over the
(03:44):
course of the three days and inthe months following.
So the first one was to embraceliving in the present moment,
because this is something that Ihad really been struggling with
.
At the moment I was really inmy head a lot, I was not
spending a lot of time in mybody and it was just kind of
like looping around in my headand I just wanted to get quiet
and just quiet my mind.
And another intention that Ihad was to allow and trust the
(04:09):
natural flow and unfolding of mypath forward.
So that was more so likeclarity and moving forward with
my business and my life, becauseI wasn't sure what to do with
my human design business or whatI wanted to do with it and how
that was going to evolve.
And another one was to connectmore deeply with my body.
And the final one was to becompletely liberated from my
(04:32):
past.
So, like I said, these were kindof like really big ass or like
really big intentions that I hadset, but these were things that
all of these intentions weremet and so much more in just a
few days of sitting with myselfand silent.
So I'm so excited to share myexperiences.
It was pretty intimate, youknow.
(04:53):
I really I waited a whilebecause I wasn't sure if I
really wanted to go more indepth or share what happened
with me over the course of threedays, because it was so such an
intimate experience with myself.
But I really felt like, okay, Ican share like bits and pieces
of this because maybe it'ssomething that people are
(05:14):
interested in, or maybe this issomething that someone wants to
do and they're looking to go doit, and maybe this is like a
sign for them to go do it, ormaybe just the permission slip
to say, hey, maybe I can just dothis at my own home and I can
be okay when I do it, because,while this weekend was
incredible, it was very toughfor me in a lot of moments.
(05:37):
So I have been meditating foryears before this and I have
been on my own journey over thepast year or so, going through a
spiritual awakening, and I feltlike I was mentally strong and
prepared to go through this.
I've sat in a lot of plantmedicine ceremonies.
I've been through prettyintense moments with myself, so
(05:58):
I felt like I could trust myselfto be alone.
With that being said, I did letother people know like, hey,
I'm turning my phone off for theweekend.
This is what I'm doing and Ilet my therapist and my mentors
know like, hey, if I'mstruggling or feel like I'm
losing my mind, then you mightget a call from me this weekend
because of this.
So I was definitely preparedfor that.
(06:22):
So what I want to do is gothrough like my rules that I set
for myself and how I set upthis three day retreat on my own
in my own home, and like what Iwas eating and things like that
, and then what my dailyschedule was like, and then I'll
go through day by day what Iexperienced, because every
single day was so different fromthe previous one.
(06:44):
So Before I started, I sat downand I was like, okay, I don't
even really know what to expectin a silent retreat.
I just know people meditate andthey don't talk.
So I looked online to see whata typical retreat entailed and
followed some of the rules.
So I decided like three dayswas going to be perfect.
(07:05):
I just wanted to get a taste ofthis and see what happened and
what the experience was before Idid something longer, say like
a 10 day retreat.
So the rules that I had was Iwas only going to eat fruit and
juice and drink juice, and Icould take walks, I could take
naps, I could do gentle yoga andmeditate.
(07:26):
The things that I could not dowere talk, listen to anything,
read anything, use any type ofelectronics and no clocks.
And this was actually a verytrippy experience and I
personally already experiencedtime pretty differently than I
used to, from probably doingplant medicine and stuff.
(07:47):
But this actually took me verydeeper into that and it felt
very liberating.
And the next thing that I said Icould not do was writing and no
exercising besides gentle yoga.
I wanted to connect with mybody, but I didn't want to use
movement as a distraction.
So, like gentle yoga, likestretching or very like gentle,
(08:08):
like vinyasa or sun salutations.
And the final rule was I cannotkill bugs, and so that might
sound really silly, but this isactually on the list of what to
expect at a typical vipassanaretreat.
If you were to go to a retreatcenter and I was like this is
silly, I have sometimes I haveants and stuff in my house and I
was like, all right, I'll, I'llgive them the weekend and they
(08:29):
can survive and I don't have tokill any bugs.
So I thought that was like alittle funny rule that I added,
but I totally understand likewhy that rule is at the
different vipassana retreats.
So my actual schedule everysingle day was to wake up when
my body woke me up and so I justslept in.
I had no idea what time it was,like I had no, like no
(08:51):
reference to time or like whattime of the day it was, or just
I just knew that it was nightwhen it started to get dark,
basically.
So I would wake up and that wasactually very helpful for me to
just rest my body, to not getup with an alarm, and after I
would get up I would immediatelydo one hour of breath centered
meditation, so basically justfocusing on my breath, coming in
(09:13):
and out, for an entire hourstraight.
And after that I got up and Imade juice and I did some dry
brushing for my lymphatic systemand did some gentle yoga, and
then after that I did a two hourmeditation where I sat and just
scanned my body and just put myattention on my body, and after
(09:38):
that I would eat my lunch,which was basically just fruit
or more juice, and I eitherwould go for a walk after that
or take a nap if I was feelingsleepy, and then after that I
would do a one hour meditationwithout moving my body, and that
meant like if I had an itch, Icould not scratch it, so just
(09:58):
being very mindful of not havingthat immediate gratification of
scratching an itch or liketrying to fix something right
away.
And this is actually the typeof meditation that I believe
they do in typical vipassanaretreats.
So that was probably one of thehardest ones that I did, but it
actually got easier the secondand third day, and then after
(10:22):
that I would have like a snackor which is more fruit or more
juice, and then I would do a oneor two hour walking meditation
where I would just go out Ididn't have headphones on or
anything with music playing orlike podcasts or a book, which
is what I would typically do.
However, I did put headphonesin my ears because I typically
(10:43):
run into people that I know whenI walk on the beach or when I'm
out and about, and so I justdidn't want anyone to start
talking to me, and typicallywhen you wear headphones, people
are going to assume that likeyou're listening to something or
whatever.
And so, to me, I just hadheadphones in so that to tell
people, like just don't talk tome, basically.
And then, after the walkingmeditation, I would do some
(11:06):
light stretching and do someyoga and then I would do a one
hour meditation before bed.
So this isn't like an exactschedule.
It was a little bit differentevery single day, but I did end
up doing about six to sevenhours of meditation every single
day, which I absolutely lovedand I will tell you why I loved
it.
Like the first day was reallygreat.
(11:27):
It did get harder the secondand third day, but the actual
meditation and sitting and justbeing with myself was just so
profound and so incredible.
So I'm going to take youthrough each day, because each
day was so different and theentire weekend was like riding a
roller coaster into heaven andhell.
So I will get more into thatshortly.
(11:49):
And, like I said earlier, justlike I made sure to tell people
and my therapist, like what Iwas doing, so they knew if
something were to happen or if,like I had like a mental
breakdown or something like Ihad someone that I could reach
out to.
And they were like on call andI had friends in the area, too
that I knew I could reach out toif I absolutely needed.
(12:09):
Because, from what I understandand what I've heard, like you
know, you go from busy, busy,busy, ignoring your thoughts,
not paying attention to yourbody, and then you go into
complete silence like a lot of,a lot of stuff is going to come
up, and that can be veryoverwhelming for a lot of people
who typically numb or distractthemselves with alcohol or
marijuana or watching tv, oreven like reading books or
(12:33):
listening to podcasts or justconstantly like filling your
minds with things.
And then when you take andremove all of those things away,
it can, it brings all of thosethings that you were suppressing
up to the surface, that youdidn't even know that that you
were repressing.
So to go into more detail foreach of the days day one
(12:53):
honestly was super easy.
It felt like a decluttering day.
It was easy, I was relaxed andhonestly, I think it was just
because my brain needed a daywithout stimulation.
So it really felt like a breeze, and that's all I have to say
about day one.
Day two two very different.
While the morning felt great, Iwas thinking, you know like I
(13:18):
could do this longer than threedays, and so I like started out
the day really, really great,and then I made the mistake of
going to the beach on theweekend, and it's typically,
like, pretty busy, there's a lotof people on the beach.
So I went for a walk later onin the morning and I felt very
agitated and grumpy andoverwhelmed and in my head
(13:41):
during that walk because therewere so many people there and I
had just spent the previous dayin complete silence and it was
just very like noisy and feltvery heavy to me.
So, being in the silence, likeonce I got back from my walk, it
was like wow, this it reallystarted to amplify the really
like rough or tough thoughts inmy head, especially about my
(14:03):
past, and I noticed that I wasstarting to be pretty hard on
myself, and so I was just, youknow, I was simply observing
this without attachment to it,but again, like I mentioned
earlier, like this is stuff thatyou know starts to rise up to
the surface, so it just kind ofshines a spotlight and amplifies
things that you're not normallypaying attention to, and so it
(14:24):
can feel very overwhelming orlike really intense for anyone
who's who's not used to that.
And so day two was actually thehardest day for me and I ended
up having a very deep and veryintimate moment with myself.
Well, moments and my thoughtswere so intense and I just had a
(14:45):
lot of emotions and griefcoming up, and it was like I had
created this space in thatsilence to just give myself
permission to release it.
And so I remembered in myayahuasca ceremony in Mexico in
2022, when I was having a verypainful or rough moment.
(15:06):
In that ceremony, the shamancame over to me and placed her
hand on my back and she said tome it is okay to feel the pain,
but you do not need to livethere.
Remember your anchor, and duringthat that ceremony, my anchor
was was joy, and that wassomething that popped into my
(15:28):
head in that moment that I wassitting there when all of that
grief was coming up, and it wasjust like this reminder of like
okay, like my mind.
It can lead me into all thesedifferent ways of being sad or
whatever, and I can put mythoughts and my attention on the
past, and it can cause reallydeep suffering for me and it's
(15:48):
okay to think and feel aboutthat, like all of those things,
but I don't need to stay there,and I think that's a very common
thing.
That happens with people islike they hold on to it and it
becomes an identity for them andthey don't know how to move out
of that.
So when that moment popped intomy mind, that memory popped
into my mind, I was able to leaninto that moment in a much
(16:09):
softer way and was able to givemyself some grace.
So, and just like a side note,while this was happening, it was
super dramatic outside andthunderstorming pretty bad, so
it just felt like thisreflection of what was going on
inside of me and like thiseruption.
That was that was happening.
And you know like while I washaving this moment, I had just
(16:29):
been wrapped up in a blanket,staring at myself in the mirror
and just like watching myselfcry and like deep grief, and I
was just like observing my mindbasically battling it out.
And as that was happening, Iended up just like finally
laying on the floor just curledup in a blanket and as I was
(16:50):
just observing my brain, kind oflike going back and forth and
having this argument and likehow painful it was.
It's just, I had thisrealization that the only
audience in my mind was me andthat no one else can or ever
will fully know or see what'sgoing on inside of me and I am
(17:13):
the only one who can providemyself peace.
So, if I get to create the show, why would it be chaotic or sad
, or back and forth andconstantly fighting?
And it was such a profoundmoment for me and In that moment
I decided to set down thatinternal argument and the pain
and the sadness, and it gave mepermission to create a new story
(17:36):
, and just one that would pleasemy only audience, which is me.
And so in that moment I wasreally learning to commune with
the rawest parts of myself, likeI was bravely going to the root
to face the things that most ofus distract ourselves from, and
it kind of felt Like I wentstraight into the belly of the
(17:59):
beast and it just, it reallychanged me in the most beautiful
way.
And I truly believe that whenwe have the courage to Open the
doors that we have kept lockedinside of us for so long, we are
met with the darkest parts ofourselves, and once we
acknowledge and feel those parts, they no longer have a hold
over us and we are liberatedfrom those unconscious shadows
(18:22):
that have ruled our lives.
And so I really wanted to justshare that, because some people
might be listening and they'relike whoa, this sounds crazy,
why are you crying, why did youdo this?
And this is actually verySimilar, if you do like somatic
therapy or any types oftherapies.
It's just we have these traumasand things stored in our bodies
(18:42):
and when we have that space orthat silence To sit with it, or
if we have the awareness to knowto like go into these things or
be intentional Like I said,intentions for at the beginning
of this retreat that wassomething that, consciously and
unconsciously, I was ready to gointo and face myself.
So this experience that I had,other people may not have this
(19:08):
experience.
They may have it in their ownway, or it may not be as intense
or maybe it will be moreintense, but it's gonna be
different for for every singleperson.
So later on in the evening, whenI was meditating again, I began
to have thoughts of the futurethat were like lighter and
hopeful, and I just paused and Istopped and I said wait a
(19:29):
minute.
I was just in deep suffering,like Not even an hour ago, and
now my mind is happy and it wasin that moment of observation.
I just began to see theillusion of the mind more
clearly and the malleability ofit.
So we may not always be able tocontrol our minds and we may
(19:51):
have ups and downs, but it's notsomething to be feared.
It's just the mind is justdoing its job of trying to keep
us safe and figure things out.
It just wants to help.
But we don't always have tolisten to it or jump on every
roller coaster of emotion.
If we're aware and can stepback and be an observer will be
on a much smoother ride.
(20:12):
Otherwise it'll just be likewatching a baby Cry non-stop,
like cry one minute and thenlaugh constantly for like the
rest of our lives, and we canspend our energy trying to
figure out how to make that babyhappy 24 seven, or we can just
let it be and know that it willpass.
The brain wants to be heard andwe can listen to it, but we
(20:37):
don't always have to believe init.
So later on, in the night ofthat second day, I live on the
space coast in Florida, so wehad a night rocket launch and so
that went off at who knows whattime Still no, no idea what
time it is, but it went off whenI was sleeping and it woke me
up and I couldn't go back tosleep.
My mind started back up againand I'm not going to go into
(21:01):
details on this experience, butI went through a very similar
process that I had experiencedearlier in the day.
It was very intense, it wasvery painful, but it was
something that I needed to faceand release and come to terms
with within myself.
So this obviously was not themost comfortable weekend, but I
was just so proud of myself forfacing really deep fears and
(21:22):
being just radically honest withmyself and coming out on the
other side.
So I'm going to share with youthe third day.
And while this day was stilldifficult because I was
digesting the truth of what I'dexperienced during the night and
all those other additionalrealizations I had, something
(21:42):
had profoundly shifted within meand my meditations were
starting to be different.
And after I had gone into thatpain and released it, there was
almost like this portal thatopened up for me.
I felt a deeper connection tosource and my creativity and I
just began to receive a lot ofdownloads.
(22:04):
So, basically, I began toenvision my future and how I
could step into my purpose, andI realized that my purpose isn't
just one thing, it's me, mypurpose is me and it's simply
the infusion of me and whateverI do, and I just saw the
simplicity of this and it filledme with, like this new sense of
(22:28):
wonder and clarity and passionto just fully show up in
everything that I do.
So that was a really profoundexperience that I had, you know,
on that third day, when thingsjust really started to open up
for me.
Because when you do this work ofgoing into your shadows and
releasing all of it, it createsthis space and it removes these
(22:49):
layers for you to uncover partsof yourselves and realizations
and downloads of what we werenot able to see because we did
not have the capacity to do it,because we were.
It was hiding underneath all ofthat other stuff, and so when I
went through all of that, itwas like I created so much space
to start receiving thesedownloads and these realizations
(23:10):
.
And actually, the third day wasthe day that I got the download
to start this podcast.
So you can welcome this threeday silent retreat for being the
inspiration that got this wholething started and it also
prompted me or I got thedownload to build out my online
community, which is somethingthat I'm building right now.
(23:31):
It might be live by the timethis podcast episode goes live.
And it's also where I reallycultivated a deeper trust and
belief in myself that what Iactually have to say has value
and that even if one personshowed up and listened to my
podcast, it wouldn't matter Like, over time, people would come.
(23:51):
And I just felt this intensebelief in myself that I have
something worthy to offer andshare and that I must show up
for myself every day, believingeven when I don't see results.
And throughout the weekend Ialso realized that my journey
was not linear.
It was a mirror to like our ownjourneys in everyday life.
(24:14):
So you have your ups and yourdowns, and then you have clarity
and then you're lost and thenyou're down again and it's okay,
like it's just life, like we'rehere to experience all of that.
We need the contrast of it alland it's just so incredibly
beautiful.
So that was the third day forme.
And for the fourth day, whichwas when I was breaking my, my
(24:36):
silent meditation, on themorning of that day I felt like
a 5,000 pound weight had beenlifted off of my chest.
I felt so grounded and so clearand so much more softer and
there was just this deeper senseof strength and trust, but also
grace and tenderness and,honestly, for the first time in
(24:58):
years, I felt excited about myfuture, like my future,
something I had failed to have avision for for so many years
because I was so lost in my ownthoughts and insecurities of
doubt and hidden relationships,because I was afraid to create
that and build that out formyself.
(25:19):
And I was so curious andexcited to create and build my
life moving forward, and thebonus was the fact that I get to
do it with the coolest, coolestperson in the world, which is
me.
And so I just felt incrediblyliberated and, like I said at
the beginning, I didn't reallyhave any expectations at all,
(25:42):
but I did have a fear in theback of my mind that I might go
crazy, spending so much timealone in silence.
However, during the retreat, Iactually realized that the fear
that I was experiencing I wassimply fearing life.
I was fearing the liberationand the crumbling of control and
beliefs and attachments andidentities that were creating my
(26:06):
illusion, and what I thoughtwas losing my mind was actually
a softening into truth, intolove, and the liberation is in
the crazy, and it's actually whyI absolutely adore people who
are so free and don't care whatothers think of them.
(26:26):
Those are the people who trulyknow how to live and be present.
So, after this experience, Idefinitely felt safer to soften
into my own crazy and not be soafraid of it.
And I think, when you decide togo down this path of coming home
to yourself, it's definitely agradual process and this this
(26:50):
weekend, that three days silentretreat, was just another layer
to to peel back, and I reallylike how Richard Rudd from Jean
Keys calls the awakening journey.
He calls it a series ofsoftening, and this is what I
truly experience in my ownjourney.
In all of the adventures that Igo down.
It's not just like this onething is going to heal or fix me
(27:12):
.
It's just you're peeling backthese layers and you're going
into it and then you're justsoftening and you're opening.
And you're softening and you'reopening.
It's like this flower, that'slike opening over time.
So I actually I really waited along time to share this,
because I record All right, thishappened back in July 2023 and
(27:33):
it is now December 2023.
And I really wanted to see how,not only like how this impacted
me in the months following, tosee how I shifted and changed,
but also because I wasn't sureif I was going to share it all
and I asked myself this questionwhen I share, is it taking away
(27:56):
the preciousness and intimacyof a moment or an experience?
And I wrote this at the end ofmy journaling because when I was
done with my retreat Ibasically did this huge brain
dump.
I wrote like 10 pages in myjournal all the stuff that came
up.
I was whiteboarding out all mybusiness ideas, like both sides
(28:16):
of my whiteboard, and towardsthe end of my journaling this
question popped up for me andI'd like to share it with you
all.
So it's something to sit withand possibly a gift to ponder.
What I wrote was I feel the needto not talk, to not share, to
(28:37):
just go about my life as aboring stranger with wildly
beautiful secrets only known tome.
I want to experience life inthe background, with no eyes on
me, experiencing the fullness oflife, the fullness of me, and
getting intimate with it.
All these moments, theseexperiences with myself, are so
(29:02):
precious to share or attempt toshare.
Shatters and tears apart, thedelicate art of each present
moment, for such deep innermoments could never be described
by words, not even a little.
This three days in silencereally really taught me to find
(29:26):
deep joy in the precious momentsthat I spend alone, not sharing
every single thing, and to keepthem my own, like an intimate
secret with myself.
And while I do feel tornsometimes when I share so much
of my life and my experiences, Ido truly feel it is part of my
(29:47):
purpose and my Dharma to awakenthe consciousness of others
through sharing my ownexperiences, and I truly, truly
hope that everyone listeningfinds meaning in truth and what
I have to share, and that youtake what you need on your own
journey.
So thank you all so much forjoining.
(30:07):
There is definitely more that Icould share about this three
day silent retreat at my houseand how I have opened up and
changed so much since.
So maybe another episode is inorder later on.
If this episode resonated withyou at all, please remember to
(30:28):
share with those who would alsolove to go on a journey.
I appreciate you all so, somuch and I will see you on the
next episode.
Bye.
Welcome to the Receptive Impact Podcast.
I'm your host, nina Elise.
Hello everyone and welcome back.
I will be taking you on a veryintimate journey through my
experience in a three-day silentmeditation retreat.
So, if anyone is not familiarwith what a silent meditation
(00:23):
retreat is or what really goeson in it, there are typically
one, three or ten-day retreats.
Those are the most popular ones.
You can go longer, like 30 daysor longer.
It's typically done at aretreat center or in a remote
area where there is facilitatorsto help you, and it's going to
be different in different placesthat you go, so there would be
(00:45):
different types of meditationsthat you can do throughout the
whole week.
Sometimes you might listen tothings, sometimes you might have
someone that you can share ortalk with at the end of the day,
especially for those longerretreats, from a mental health
perspective, some really bigthings can come up during these
silent retreats, and so theyhave people on hand in order to
(01:06):
be there to support, andtypically the post-inner
retreats are the most popular.
So in July of 2023, I decidedto do a silent retreat, but with
a twist, in my own home, and Idecided to do it for three days,
and this was something I hadbeen looking into doing when I
was living in Mexico in 2022,but nothing really lined up.
(01:30):
When I was out there, I didn'treally find a retreat center
that I connected with, that Icould do this at, so I kind of
just set it aside and finallycame back to it in July of 2023.
And I was looking at differentretreats but nothing really felt
right and someone had actuallyplanted the seed of just staying
at home and I thought you knowwhat, nina, you will still be
(01:52):
hanging out with yourselfanyways.
So how fun would it be to do asilent retreat my way, and it's
free as a bonus.
So that was my whole journey toget to being in a silent
retreat.
My why behind doing it wasbecause I was feeling a little
bit stagnant and stuck in mylife and my mind felt so busy
(02:15):
and trying to control and saythis is what I need to do next
and I wasn't really coming froman intuitive place or being in
flow and I wanted to kind ofjust give myself space to be in
silence and being quiet andquiet my mind so that I could
connect with my intuition andwhat was really an alignment for
(02:36):
me on how to move forward in mylife.
So that was my big why and Ihad also actually heard that
people have had pretty profoundexperiences and have come up
with really great business ideaswhen they go on the post and
retreats.
So that was like another bigthing that I was like I really
want to just go in and see whathappens when my mind gets really
(02:58):
quiet and see what comes up forme, because everyone else was
having these profoundexperiences and I wanted to go
and have my own in my own way.
So before I do anything, Ireally like to set intentions
and I do this pretty much everysingle day that I wake up and
like what are my intentions forthe day.
It just helps me to be morefocused and more clear about how
(03:20):
I am showing up and what I'mputting my attention on and just
who I am being every single day.
So my intentions for this threeday mini silent retreat were
actually pretty big and I'mlaughing because I'm reading
through them right here in frontof me and I'm like, okay, these
are actually things that needto happen over like a lifetime,
but these were actually thingsthat unfolded for me over the
(03:44):
course of the three days and inthe months following.
So the first one was to embraceliving in the present moment,
because this is something that Ihad really been struggling with
.
At the moment I was really inmy head a lot, I was not
spending a lot of time in mybody and it was just kind of
like looping around in my headand I just wanted to get quiet
and just quiet my mind.
And another intention that Ihad was to allow and trust the
(04:09):
natural flow and unfolding of mypath forward.
So that was more so likeclarity and moving forward with
my business and my life, becauseI wasn't sure what to do with
my human design business or whatI wanted to do with it and how
that was going to evolve.
And another one was to connectmore deeply with my body.
And the final one was to becompletely liberated from my
(04:32):
past.
So, like I said, these were kindof like really big ass or like
really big intentions that I hadset, but these were things that
all of these intentions weremet and so much more in just a
few days of sitting with myselfand silent.
So I'm so excited to share myexperiences.
It was pretty intimate, youknow.
(04:53):
I really I waited a whilebecause I wasn't sure if I
really wanted to go more indepth or share what happened
with me over the course of threedays, because it was so such an
intimate experience with myself.
But I really felt like, okay, Ican share like bits and pieces
of this because maybe it'ssomething that people are
(05:14):
interested in, or maybe this issomething that someone wants to
do and they're looking to go doit, and maybe this is like a
sign for them to go do it, ormaybe just the permission slip
to say, hey, maybe I can just dothis at my own home and I can
be okay when I do it, because,while this weekend was
incredible, it was very toughfor me in a lot of moments.
(05:37):
So I have been meditating foryears before this and I have
been on my own journey over thepast year or so, going through a
spiritual awakening, and I feltlike I was mentally strong and
prepared to go through this.
I've sat in a lot of plantmedicine ceremonies.
I've been through prettyintense moments with myself, so
(05:58):
I felt like I could trust myselfto be alone.
With that being said, I did letother people know like, hey,
I'm turning my phone off for theweekend.
This is what I'm doing and Ilet my therapist and my mentors
know like, hey, if I'mstruggling or feel like I'm
losing my mind, then you mightget a call from me this weekend
because of this.
So I was definitely preparedfor that.
(06:22):
So what I want to do is gothrough like my rules that I set
for myself and how I set upthis three day retreat on my own
in my own home, and like what Iwas eating and things like that
, and then what my dailyschedule was like, and then I'll
go through day by day what Iexperienced, because every
single day was so different fromthe previous one.
(06:44):
So Before I started, I sat downand I was like, okay, I don't
even really know what to expectin a silent retreat.
I just know people meditate andthey don't talk.
So I looked online to see whata typical retreat entailed and
followed some of the rules.
So I decided like three dayswas going to be perfect.
(07:05):
I just wanted to get a taste ofthis and see what happened and
what the experience was before Idid something longer, say like
a 10 day retreat.
So the rules that I had was Iwas only going to eat fruit and
juice and drink juice, and Icould take walks, I could take
naps, I could do gentle yoga andmeditate.
(07:26):
The things that I could not dowere talk, listen to anything,
read anything, use any type ofelectronics and no clocks.
And this was actually a verytrippy experience and I
personally already experiencedtime pretty differently than I
used to, from probably doingplant medicine and stuff.
(07:47):
But this actually took me verydeeper into that and it felt
very liberating.
And the next thing that I said Icould not do was writing and no
exercising besides gentle yoga.
I wanted to connect with mybody, but I didn't want to use
movement as a distraction.
So, like gentle yoga, likestretching or very like gentle,
(08:08):
like vinyasa or sun salutations.
And the final rule was I cannotkill bugs, and so that might
sound really silly, but this isactually on the list of what to
expect at a typical vipassanaretreat.
If you were to go to a retreatcenter and I was like this is
silly, I have sometimes I haveants and stuff in my house and I
was like, all right, I'll, I'llgive them the weekend and they
(08:29):
can survive and I don't have tokill any bugs.
So I thought that was like alittle funny rule that I added,
but I totally understand likewhy that rule is at the
different vipassana retreats.
So my actual schedule everysingle day was to wake up when
my body woke me up and so I justslept in.
I had no idea what time it was,like I had no, like no
(08:51):
reference to time or like whattime of the day it was, or just
I just knew that it was nightwhen it started to get dark,
basically.
So I would wake up and that wasactually very helpful for me to
just rest my body, to not getup with an alarm, and after I
would get up I would immediatelydo one hour of breath centered
meditation, so basically justfocusing on my breath, coming in
(09:13):
and out, for an entire hourstraight.
And after that I got up and Imade juice and I did some dry
brushing for my lymphatic systemand did some gentle yoga, and
then after that I did a two hourmeditation where I sat and just
scanned my body and just put myattention on my body, and after
(09:38):
that I would eat my lunch,which was basically just fruit
or more juice, and I eitherwould go for a walk after that
or take a nap if I was feelingsleepy, and then after that I
would do a one hour meditationwithout moving my body, and that
meant like if I had an itch, Icould not scratch it, so just
(09:58):
being very mindful of not havingthat immediate gratification of
scratching an itch or liketrying to fix something right
away.
And this is actually the typeof meditation that I believe
they do in typical vipassanaretreats.
So that was probably one of thehardest ones that I did, but it
actually got easier the secondand third day, and then after
(10:22):
that I would have like a snackor which is more fruit or more
juice, and then I would do a oneor two hour walking meditation
where I would just go out Ididn't have headphones on or
anything with music playing orlike podcasts or a book, which
is what I would typically do.
However, I did put headphonesin my ears because I typically
(10:43):
run into people that I know whenI walk on the beach or when I'm
out and about, and so I justdidn't want anyone to start
talking to me, and typicallywhen you wear headphones, people
are going to assume that likeyou're listening to something or
whatever.
And so, to me, I just hadheadphones in so that to tell
people, like just don't talk tome, basically.
And then, after the walkingmeditation, I would do some
(11:06):
light stretching and do someyoga and then I would do a one
hour meditation before bed.
So this isn't like an exactschedule.
It was a little bit differentevery single day, but I did end
up doing about six to sevenhours of meditation every single
day, which I absolutely lovedand I will tell you why I loved
it.
Like the first day was reallygreat.
(11:27):
It did get harder the secondand third day, but the actual
meditation and sitting and justbeing with myself was just so
profound and so incredible.
So I'm going to take youthrough each day, because each
day was so different and theentire weekend was like riding a
roller coaster into heaven andhell.
So I will get more into thatshortly.
(11:49):
And, like I said earlier, justlike I made sure to tell people
and my therapist, like what Iwas doing, so they knew if
something were to happen or if,like I had like a mental
breakdown or something like Ihad someone that I could reach
out to.
And they were like on call andI had friends in the area, too
that I knew I could reach out toif I absolutely needed.
(12:09):
Because, from what I understandand what I've heard, like you
know, you go from busy, busy,busy, ignoring your thoughts,
not paying attention to yourbody, and then you go into
complete silence like a lot of,a lot of stuff is going to come
up, and that can be veryoverwhelming for a lot of people
who typically numb or distractthemselves with alcohol or
marijuana or watching tv, oreven like reading books or
(12:33):
listening to podcasts or justconstantly like filling your
minds with things.
And then when you take andremove all of those things away,
it can, it brings all of thosethings that you were suppressing
up to the surface, that youdidn't even know that that you
were repressing.
So to go into more detail foreach of the days day one
(12:53):
honestly was super easy.
It felt like a decluttering day.
It was easy, I was relaxed andhonestly, I think it was just
because my brain needed a daywithout stimulation.
So it really felt like a breeze, and that's all I have to say
about day one.
Day two two very different.
While the morning felt great, Iwas thinking, you know like I
(13:18):
could do this longer than threedays, and so I like started out
the day really, really great,and then I made the mistake of
going to the beach on theweekend, and it's typically,
like, pretty busy, there's a lotof people on the beach.
So I went for a walk later onin the morning and I felt very
agitated and grumpy andoverwhelmed and in my head
(13:41):
during that walk because therewere so many people there and I
had just spent the previous dayin complete silence and it was
just very like noisy and feltvery heavy to me.
So, being in the silence, likeonce I got back from my walk, it
was like wow, this it reallystarted to amplify the really
like rough or tough thoughts inmy head, especially about my
(14:03):
past, and I noticed that I wasstarting to be pretty hard on
myself, and so I was just, youknow, I was simply observing
this without attachment to it,but again, like I mentioned
earlier, like this is stuff thatyou know starts to rise up to
the surface, so it just kind ofshines a spotlight and amplifies
things that you're not normallypaying attention to, and so it
(14:24):
can feel very overwhelming orlike really intense for anyone
who's who's not used to that.
And so day two was actually thehardest day for me and I ended
up having a very deep and veryintimate moment with myself.
Well, moments and my thoughtswere so intense and I just had a
(14:45):
lot of emotions and griefcoming up, and it was like I had
created this space in thatsilence to just give myself
permission to release it.
And so I remembered in myayahuasca ceremony in Mexico in
2022, when I was having a verypainful or rough moment.
(15:06):
In that ceremony, the shamancame over to me and placed her
hand on my back and she said tome it is okay to feel the pain,
but you do not need to livethere.
Remember your anchor, and duringthat that ceremony, my anchor
was was joy, and that wassomething that popped into my
(15:28):
head in that moment that I wassitting there when all of that
grief was coming up, and it wasjust like this reminder of like
okay, like my mind.
It can lead me into all thesedifferent ways of being sad or
whatever, and I can put mythoughts and my attention on the
past, and it can cause reallydeep suffering for me and it's
(15:48):
okay to think and feel aboutthat, like all of those things,
but I don't need to stay there,and I think that's a very common
thing.
That happens with people islike they hold on to it and it
becomes an identity for them andthey don't know how to move out
of that.
So when that moment popped intomy mind, that memory popped
into my mind, I was able to leaninto that moment in a much
(16:09):
softer way and was able to givemyself some grace.
So, and just like a side note,while this was happening, it was
super dramatic outside andthunderstorming pretty bad, so
it just felt like thisreflection of what was going on
inside of me and like thiseruption.
That was that was happening.
And you know like while I washaving this moment, I had just
(16:29):
been wrapped up in a blanket,staring at myself in the mirror
and just like watching myselfcry and like deep grief, and I
was just like observing my mindbasically battling it out.
And as that was happening, Iended up just like finally
laying on the floor just curledup in a blanket and as I was
(16:50):
just observing my brain, kind oflike going back and forth and
having this argument and likehow painful it was.
It's just, I had thisrealization that the only
audience in my mind was me andthat no one else can or ever
will fully know or see what'sgoing on inside of me and I am
(17:13):
the only one who can providemyself peace.
So, if I get to create the show, why would it be chaotic or sad
, or back and forth andconstantly fighting?
And it was such a profoundmoment for me and In that moment
I decided to set down thatinternal argument and the pain
and the sadness, and it gave mepermission to create a new story
(17:36):
, and just one that would pleasemy only audience, which is me.
And so in that moment I wasreally learning to commune with
the rawest parts of myself, likeI was bravely going to the root
to face the things that most ofus distract ourselves from, and
it kind of felt Like I wentstraight into the belly of the
(17:59):
beast and it just, it reallychanged me in the most beautiful
way.
And I truly believe that whenwe have the courage to Open the
doors that we have kept lockedinside of us for so long, we are
met with the darkest parts ofourselves, and once we
acknowledge and feel those parts, they no longer have a hold
over us and we are liberatedfrom those unconscious shadows
(18:22):
that have ruled our lives.
And so I really wanted to justshare that, because some people
might be listening and they'relike whoa, this sounds crazy,
why are you crying, why did youdo this?
And this is actually verySimilar, if you do like somatic
therapy or any types oftherapies.
It's just we have these traumasand things stored in our bodies
(18:42):
and when we have that space orthat silence To sit with it, or
if we have the awareness to knowto like go into these things or
be intentional Like I said,intentions for at the beginning
of this retreat that wassomething that, consciously and
unconsciously, I was ready to gointo and face myself.
So this experience that I had,other people may not have this
(19:08):
experience.
They may have it in their ownway, or it may not be as intense
or maybe it will be moreintense, but it's gonna be
different for for every singleperson.
So later on in the evening, whenI was meditating again, I began
to have thoughts of the futurethat were like lighter and
hopeful, and I just paused and Istopped and I said wait a
(19:29):
minute.
I was just in deep suffering,like Not even an hour ago, and
now my mind is happy and it wasin that moment of observation.
I just began to see theillusion of the mind more
clearly and the malleability ofit.
So we may not always be able tocontrol our minds and we may
(19:51):
have ups and downs, but it's notsomething to be feared.
It's just the mind is justdoing its job of trying to keep
us safe and figure things out.
It just wants to help.
But we don't always have tolisten to it or jump on every
roller coaster of emotion.
If we're aware and can stepback and be an observer will be
on a much smoother ride.
(20:12):
Otherwise it'll just be likewatching a baby Cry non-stop,
like cry one minute and thenlaugh constantly for like the
rest of our lives, and we canspend our energy trying to
figure out how to make that babyhappy 24 seven, or we can just
let it be and know that it willpass.
The brain wants to be heard andwe can listen to it, but we
(20:37):
don't always have to believe init.
So later on, in the night ofthat second day, I live on the
space coast in Florida, so wehad a night rocket launch and so
that went off at who knows whattime Still no, no idea what
time it is, but it went off whenI was sleeping and it woke me
up and I couldn't go back tosleep.
My mind started back up againand I'm not going to go into
(21:01):
details on this experience, butI went through a very similar
process that I had experiencedearlier in the day.
It was very intense, it wasvery painful, but it was
something that I needed to faceand release and come to terms
with within myself.
So this obviously was not themost comfortable weekend, but I
was just so proud of myself forfacing really deep fears and
(21:22):
being just radically honest withmyself and coming out on the
other side.
So I'm going to share with youthe third day.
And while this day was stilldifficult because I was
digesting the truth of what I'dexperienced during the night and
all those other additionalrealizations I had, something
(21:42):
had profoundly shifted within meand my meditations were
starting to be different.
And after I had gone into thatpain and released it, there was
almost like this portal thatopened up for me.
I felt a deeper connection tosource and my creativity and I
just began to receive a lot ofdownloads.
(22:04):
So, basically, I began toenvision my future and how I
could step into my purpose, andI realized that my purpose isn't
just one thing, it's me, mypurpose is me and it's simply
the infusion of me and whateverI do, and I just saw the
simplicity of this and it filledme with, like this new sense of
(22:28):
wonder and clarity and passionto just fully show up in
everything that I do.
So that was a really profoundexperience that I had, you know,
on that third day, when thingsjust really started to open up
for me.
Because when you do this work ofgoing into your shadows and
releasing all of it, it createsthis space and it removes these
(22:49):
layers for you to uncover partsof yourselves and realizations
and downloads of what we werenot able to see because we did
not have the capacity to do it,because we were.
It was hiding underneath all ofthat other stuff, and so when I
went through all of that, itwas like I created so much space
to start receiving thesedownloads and these realizations
(23:10):
.
And actually, the third day wasthe day that I got the download
to start this podcast.
So you can welcome this threeday silent retreat for being the
inspiration that got this wholething started and it also
prompted me or I got thedownload to build out my online
community, which is somethingthat I'm building right now.
(23:31):
It might be live by the timethis podcast episode goes live.
And it's also where I reallycultivated a deeper trust and
belief in myself that what Iactually have to say has value
and that even if one personshowed up and listened to my
podcast, it wouldn't matter Like, over time, people would come.
(23:51):
And I just felt this intensebelief in myself that I have
something worthy to offer andshare and that I must show up
for myself every day, believingeven when I don't see results.
And throughout the weekend Ialso realized that my journey
was not linear.
It was a mirror to like our ownjourneys in everyday life.
(24:14):
So you have your ups and yourdowns, and then you have clarity
and then you're lost and thenyou're down again and it's okay,
like it's just life, like we'rehere to experience all of that.
We need the contrast of it alland it's just so incredibly
beautiful.
So that was the third day forme.
And for the fourth day, whichwas when I was breaking my, my
(24:36):
silent meditation, on themorning of that day I felt like
a 5,000 pound weight had beenlifted off of my chest.
I felt so grounded and so clearand so much more softer and
there was just this deeper senseof strength and trust, but also
grace and tenderness and,honestly, for the first time in
(24:58):
years, I felt excited about myfuture, like my future,
something I had failed to have avision for for so many years
because I was so lost in my ownthoughts and insecurities of
doubt and hidden relationships,because I was afraid to create
that and build that out formyself.
(25:19):
And I was so curious andexcited to create and build my
life moving forward, and thebonus was the fact that I get to
do it with the coolest, coolestperson in the world, which is
me.
And so I just felt incrediblyliberated and, like I said at
the beginning, I didn't reallyhave any expectations at all,
(25:42):
but I did have a fear in theback of my mind that I might go
crazy, spending so much timealone in silence.
However, during the retreat, Iactually realized that the fear
that I was experiencing I wassimply fearing life.
I was fearing the liberationand the crumbling of control and
beliefs and attachments andidentities that were creating my
(26:06):
illusion, and what I thoughtwas losing my mind was actually
a softening into truth, intolove, and the liberation is in
the crazy, and it's actually whyI absolutely adore people who
are so free and don't care whatothers think of them.
(26:26):
Those are the people who trulyknow how to live and be present.
So, after this experience, Idefinitely felt safer to soften
into my own crazy and not be soafraid of it.
And I think, when you decide togo down this path of coming home
to yourself, it's definitely agradual process and this this
(26:50):
weekend, that three days silentretreat, was just another layer
to to peel back, and I reallylike how Richard Rudd from Jean
Keys calls the awakening journey.
He calls it a series ofsoftening, and this is what I
truly experience in my ownjourney.
In all of the adventures that Igo down.
It's not just like this onething is going to heal or fix me
(27:12):
.
It's just you're peeling backthese layers and you're going
into it and then you're justsoftening and you're opening.
And you're softening and you'reopening.
It's like this flower, that'slike opening over time.
So I actually I really waited along time to share this,
because I record All right, thishappened back in July 2023 and
(27:33):
it is now December 2023.
And I really wanted to see how,not only like how this impacted
me in the months following, tosee how I shifted and changed,
but also because I wasn't sureif I was going to share it all
and I asked myself this questionwhen I share, is it taking away
(27:56):
the preciousness and intimacyof a moment or an experience?
And I wrote this at the end ofmy journaling because when I was
done with my retreat Ibasically did this huge brain
dump.
I wrote like 10 pages in myjournal all the stuff that came
up.
I was whiteboarding out all mybusiness ideas, like both sides
(28:16):
of my whiteboard, and towardsthe end of my journaling this
question popped up for me andI'd like to share it with you
all.
So it's something to sit withand possibly a gift to ponder.
What I wrote was I feel the needto not talk, to not share, to
(28:37):
just go about my life as aboring stranger with wildly
beautiful secrets only known tome.
I want to experience life inthe background, with no eyes on
me, experiencing the fullness oflife, the fullness of me, and
getting intimate with it.
All these moments, theseexperiences with myself, are so
(29:02):
precious to share or attempt toshare.
Shatters and tears apart, thedelicate art of each present
moment, for such deep innermoments could never be described
by words, not even a little.
This three days in silencereally really taught me to find
(29:26):
deep joy in the precious momentsthat I spend alone, not sharing
every single thing, and to keepthem my own, like an intimate
secret with myself.
And while I do feel tornsometimes when I share so much
of my life and my experiences, Ido truly feel it is part of my
(29:47):
purpose and my Dharma to awakenthe consciousness of others
through sharing my ownexperiences, and I truly, truly
hope that everyone listeningfinds meaning in truth and what
I have to share, and that youtake what you need on your own
journey.
So thank you all so much forjoining.
(30:07):
There is definitely more that Icould share about this three
day silent retreat at my houseand how I have opened up and
changed so much since.
So maybe another episode is inorder later on.
If this episode resonated withyou at all, please remember to
(30:28):
share with those who would alsolove to go on a journey.
I appreciate you all so, somuch and I will see you on the
next episode.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.