Today I met with my sponsor about Step 4. I began to see the self-inventory in a new way, broken down into three parts. The first is the traditional part of writing down my resentments and identifying my role in those relationships. What surfaces for me is a fear of abandonment. That fear has shown up in so many ways throughout my life, including pulling away from people before they have the chance to leave me. That’s the non-interesting part of my step 4 this time as it continues to be a theme in my life, but I’m working on it.
The interesting parts of Step 4 are those which I realized today. They are dissecting acceptance so that I can better achieve it in my relationships. First, recognizing that everyone has “their stuff”, as my sponsor always says. Everyone brings their own pain and experiences into relationships, just like I do. That awareness creates room for empathy. And then the last part is acknowledging that I can’t change other people. That doesn’t mean I’m okay with how they treated me, but it means I’m no longer wishing they were different. That’s where real freedom comes in. This way of looking at Step 4 today helped me take more meaningful responsibility, without shame, and gave me a way to approach the most painful resentments with more compassion and clarity.
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