Breaking the Chains: From Waiting to Working the Steps

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Nathan's journey through recovery takes a powerful turn as he shares why he waited almost six years before working the 12 steps, and the profound transformation that followed when he finally did. What began as simple abstinence eventually led to a spiritual awakening that changed everything.

"There were definitely time periods in those five-plus years where I struggled big time emotionally, spiritually, mentally—which I didn't have to," Nathan reveals. His testimony highlights the crucial difference between merely being sober and experiencing true recovery. While life improved somewhat after quitting drinking, he continued battling depression, anxiety, and uncontrollable anger until working through the steps unlocked a deeper healing.

The conversation explores the "window of willingness" concept—how pain initially creates motivation for change, but as basic life improvements occur, that window gradually narrows until another crisis forces it open again. Nathan's breakthrough came when emotional brokenness finally pushed him to complete the work he had long avoided. The results were transformative. His definition of serenity as an "overwhelming calmness" resonates throughout the episode, especially when describing how he now maintains peaceful relationships with his children and their mother, even spending Christmas mornings with them—something once deemed impossible.

Perhaps most touching is Nathan's experience praying for his estranged father, whom he had considered "hopeless." When his father called the very next day expressing desire to get sober, Nathan received powerful confirmation that "with God involved, nothing's hopeless." The hosts share their own experiences with spiritual disconnection and reconnection, creating a vulnerable discussion about maintaining balance in recovery while life's demands pull in multiple directions.

Whether you've been putting off step work, struggling to find peace in sobriety, or simply seeking inspiration for your journey, this episode offers profound insights into the difference between merely stopping drinking and experiencing the freedom of true spiritual awakening. Connect with us at [e-mail] to share your thoughts!

Thank You for Joining Us.. Please share with friends. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcoholism please reach out to us. We can get you help. [e-mail]

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
But the point is, use his experience, strength and
hope.
Hey, motherfuckers, get in here, hit it, Hit it fast.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Right and I thought that, lauren that you spoke to
this morning, that's what I toldhim Friday night.

Speaker 1 (00:14):
That's what he said.
Because, he goes.
I thought I was just, you know,because my sponsor's down in
Salinas and I'm up here for awhile, I was going to kind of
work this out and he goes.
I talked to Larry, he sharedthis to me and I goes, and he
was, and I was looking right athim and I talked to Larry
yesterday and they said no, fuckthat, get you know, get it done
, get it going.
Why it's fresh?

Speaker 2 (00:32):
Why the pain is, and that's what I was telling him.
I go, that guy will.
I don't fucking sponsor becauseI'm a self-centered son of a
bitch.
Don't ask me to fucking sponsor.
I'm fucking horrible, I'mselfish and I haven't gotten rid
of that one yet.
You ready to go Ready?
You sit on the toilet, don'tyou?

(00:55):
Nope, use that as yourmeditation.

Speaker 1 (00:57):
Not my wife, not your wife.
I hover over it, drop bombs.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
Welcome to Recovery Unfiltered.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
I'm Larry.
I'm an Hover over it.

Speaker 2 (01:19):
Drop bombs.
That's the helicopter bringingour guest back in.
Okay, sound like a lawnmower atfirst.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
So sit back, grab a beverage of your choice and get
ready just non-alcoholic, mywife hates me using those noises
.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
Oh, I bet she does the one she hates the worst hold
on the baby.
Yeah, she hates this one.
That's my favorite one too.
I love that hey welcome back.
Welcome back I am going to tellyou I am meeting this afternoon
with a guy that helped me getthis podcast started from the
very beginning.

Speaker 1 (01:54):
He's now got a band called harbor drive and they're
gonna they're I'm working withhim to write us a new jingle and
do a whole, whole intro for usokay yeah, I'm pretty pumped for
that I'm meeting this afternoonwe still got to meet with those
other two cats that got apodcast I, I don't know well, I
mean, I'm not saying we got to,but we had yeah, if we do, we do
.

Speaker 2 (02:13):
I do want to put it together.
You know, the whole thing wasthe zoom thing.
We couldn't get, couldn't getit working and I figured it out
now.
So I mean, yeah, I need to getback in contact with them.
I I got a few things stillgoing on with work.
I have to here and there andthere I got to get a schedule.
I mean, you and I are recordingagain back to back, which it's
not a fun thing to do.

(02:33):
It's easier if we only do oneat a time, but we're recording
back to back because I'm gone somuch, right I'm leaving again
somewhere.

Speaker 1 (02:40):
Get some ahead in the pocket right we can actually
take a week or so off right, sowhat I didn't say it I almost
said mother I only said it onetime in the last episode my
sister's like you guys quitfighting.
I just say the word.
No, we're gonna get better.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
You know what it's not bad to say it occasionally
to.
We're supposed to be betterthan that.
Punctuate a sentence orpunctuate something, emphasize
something but, go back andlisten to our last two episodes
and it was horrible, it's hardto listen to myself.
It was bad.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
All right, so here we go.
So we got Nathan back, we got.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
Nathan back.
Hi, Nathan, Hold on a second.
Hey, Larry, Welcome back,Nathan.
Thanks for telling your story,that's.
You know I enjoy the stories.
I really, really do, because it, just like I said, we were

(03:34):
talking, talking before westarted recording is you know,
we're all alcoholics.
It doesn't matter whatdirection we get.
Get there Right, and we startlooking at the differences and
start looking at thesimilarities.
We're all alcoholics, and youknow.
You look at the group of guys.
You know Nathan's a part of ourgroup on Monday nights and I
mean there's a group of guys inthere that I mean on the outside
we probably would have neverhung out, but I love each and

(03:56):
every one of you guys dearly,with every ounce of my heart,
and I'd bleed for everybody inthat thing, you know, and it's
because, because of the wreckagethat we've been through, right,
and it was good to hear yourstory.
I appreciate it.
I'm glad you opened up.
Thank you for coming on thanksfor having me absolutely so
we're going to dig in a littlebit more about because you
waited how many years before youactually did your steps it was

(04:20):
almost six years okay, a fewmonths before I got six years
Wow.
So we're going to dig into thata little bit and talk about you
know, your regrets, I guess asa word to say it.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
Because I always ask him, and then the way God works
in here.
This is where you wonder why wewere recording.
Because we were bullshittingright before we started this one
.
Why aren't we recording this?
Because you're an idiot, you'rethe one with the buttons
dumbass.
But what I want to get into,because every time he serves
that and when he went and sharedthe lakes I got to be a part of
, and whenever we're talking,say the big book study thursday,

(04:54):
and he's there and I always ask, okay, nathan, what is the
difference now?
But having had worked the steps, you know you had five years of
dryer, so we had with, withperiods of happiness and in
there, and he would, you know,he was actually a dad again,
right, but the difference, right.
And then when he told god youknow his story that I'm done
with service, and god says, no,you're not, because now I get to
open because of what you did,nathan, god's in this I'm

(05:16):
speaking, I'm speaking on behalfof god, but not for god.
Obviously I can't speak for god, but but I see it of all the
years I've been sober with thenext, you know, in our book, on
page 164, it says you know ourbook is meant to be suggestive.
Only we realize we know only alittle.
God will constantly disclosemore to you and to us.
Ask him in your morningmeditation what you can do each

(05:36):
day for the man who is stillsick.
The answers will come if yourown house is in order, and
here's the key.
But obviously you cannottransmit something you haven't
got.
You can't transmit a spiritualawakening as a result of these
steps.
You can't even speak about itbecause you don't have it until
you get that.
So Nathan was able to share,through his service, through
chairing the meeting for a yearand a half, the Friday meeting

(05:58):
and being that part, thefellowship that Bill talks about
on page 17.
He tells you about the twopowers being wrecked in the same
vessel right, the alcoholism,but that would not have joined
us as we are joined now.
The common solution.
Right, spiritual awakening as aresult of these steps.
Right.
So when he said I'm steppingaway, would God say no, no, no.
Now that you've taken action,nathan, you've opened up this

(06:19):
other door.
You've had a spiritual way.
You have a differentrelationship with me by this
action you've taken.
I'm gonna go share that becausehis story's so unique.
I'm gonna go share that, nathan.
I want you to go share that.
Be obedient and he does.
And there's that growth, thatgift that comes to us, that
spiritual growth that comesthrough doing that, but nathan
opened up another door and, yes,it took him five years to get
there.
Most people don't make it.
I would have never made it fiveyears I don't know if I would

(06:41):
just on that first power of thefellowship, I'd have been dead,
yeah but he was able to.
But yet it took him becausehe's an alcoholic of our type
and therefore it took himfinally to that point again
because even in the rooms hejust said I was at an emotional
brokenness again just you knowto a point right, either either
go get drunk or go do these,right.

(07:03):
That's what we talked about myquestion to Nathan is, and Brad
had said the same thing becausehe was three years, sober,
almost three years before hedecided that he was well,
escalon, say that same Escalonmeeting Right.
A guy behind him said I need asponsor.
And I looked at Brad BecauseBrandon was across the room.
I knew I was getting him thatnight, which we did, and so Brad

(07:25):
had to do his, to take anotherman through his, because you
can't transmit what you don'thave, right, what a gift.
But Brad said, man, I wish whenI came in, he said that right
here, while it was fresh, do youwish, and I know Nathan does
too.
But I want you to share you knowfive years of what you gleaned
and how you would do it now andwhat you would.
What do you recommend?
If someone's gonna hear this,you know well, I mean that guy
has lived my life and yet I'mnot.

(07:45):
You know, because most peoplethat lived his life right are
not in the in the free world,they're locked up right.
But here's nathan, sobered likekicking ass.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
Talk to me yeah, there were, um.
There were definitely timeperiods there in that five years
, five plus years, where Istruggled big time emotionally,
spiritually, mentally, um whichI didn't have to.
It didn't have to be that waysay that again.

(08:16):
Nathan, you didn't what I didn'thave to thank you um, you know
I struggled powerful word rightthere I've struggled with
depression and anxiety and allof that through life and um.
I still get little cases ofdepression.
It's more so I identify it asself-pity today yes, sir and uh,
anxiety pretty much isn't there.

(08:39):
It's just non-existent anymore.
And when I do have anxietywe've talked about this it's
fear.

Speaker 2 (08:47):
Yeah, look, can I?
Can I ask you just on that,because I I actually just talked
about this the other, the otherday.
I don't look at that as anxietyas much as I look at it as
anxiousness, would you?

Speaker 1 (08:58):
well, it's anxious, just anxious about.

Speaker 2 (09:01):
Well, I don't know because anxiety to me you're
thinking of a panic attack asopposed to right because my
anxiety.
Maybe you had it when my beforeI got into this program.
My anxiety was up to my throatand just my head was wanting to
explode and my heart was comingout of my panic attack, that's
what I I mean, that's what I wasdrinking was trying to get that
to yeah down anxiety attackscould make you literally feel

(09:23):
like you're gonna right, okay,okay, yeah, so you still have
those no okay, all right I.

Speaker 3 (09:28):
I do not have any anxiety attacks whatsoever,
neither do I when I was younger.
I took when you start feeling alittle bit.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
You're talking about fear right.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, the little bit that I do feel right I can
identify as fear today all right, okay, um, but yeah, I Okay.
But yeah, I did not do what wassuggested.
When coming into it, I knew Ithought I can do it without it,
and there's actually there's acouple members in the Oakdale

(09:58):
room that have done it, hadlong-term sobriety without doing
the steps, and so I was like,if they can do it, I can do it.
Like it it just made me, mademe go that route, I guess.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
Do they have joy, do they have?

Speaker 3 (10:16):
joy in their sobriety .
You know one of them does, buthe has went through the steps
himself.
Okay, and like, like we'vetalked about how john did that
while he was in jail, just likethe book suggests, just like the
book says um, but it's betterto go through the steps with
someone that's guiding youthrough the steps I, I believe

(10:37):
um, it's always better to gothrough anything with a friend
right, with somebody you carefor, somebody you love and
someone's been that person rightthe path
so right and I think pat um likehit the nail right on the head
in one of those monday groupsthat we were in when he said
that window of opportunity,window, window, willingness,

(10:58):
right.
So when you come in and you andyou're first getting sober, you
have all this pain and it'spain is a great motivator, yep,
and that window is wide open.
Your willingness to do what ittakes is a lot more than you
know.
You get the job back, you getto see the kids again, you get a
vehicle, you get, you know,life starts becoming good.

(11:22):
And that window gets smaller andsmaller and smaller until it's
damn near shut, and it took painfor me for that window to open
up again and to finally to dothe steps.
And so, yeah, I suggest to getin right away and do it while

(11:42):
that window is still open,because life's going to get
better when you quit drinking,even if you don't work on
yourself life gets better.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
You stop putting poison in your body, it gets
better yeah.

Speaker 3 (11:58):
So yeah, I definitely suggest to do them right away
and to get through them.

Speaker 2 (12:04):
I got a guy at the wrestling tournament yesterday.
A friend of mine coached him inhigh school football.
He was one of my players.
He came up to me.
He goes hey coach, I wasthinking about you the other day
.
He goes.
You know, I haven't had wineand I haven't drank in 11 weeks
and I was thinking about you.
I go what are you thinkingabout me?
For Because you know you, youstopped drinking.
I go okay, how are you feeling?

(12:25):
He goes.
I've never felt better in mylife.
He goes.
I'll probably drink again, buthe goes.
I just haven't drank in 11weeks and I just wanted to tell
you that and I'm like wellappreciate that and I go.
You're probably what they calla normie.
You're probably a normie, butyou know right.

Speaker 3 (12:40):
You know Right, you know.
That's something else that hasthat just brought up thought is
that that reservations right,having that reservation to drink
again this time around.
When I got sober thatreservation to drink again was
gone.

Speaker 2 (12:56):
Obsession yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:58):
No, no, no, no the out.
He was giving himself thereservation.
You know, like Brian, like ourbuddy Brian, was.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
I'm not sure I'm one of these.
You know I'm gonna.
They had that, I got you.
Okay, all right.
Or like say you know I couldhave when I first got sober.
When my mom dies, I'm gonnadrink right, okay when planning
to drink in the future once oncesome when something bad happens
or when something good happensor just yeah, you know you know
us alcoholics could come up withany excuse in the book to drink
, yep, yep, um, which, uh, yeah,once.

(13:33):
Once I completely gave up thatreservation to drink and knew
that that it's not what I wantedanymore it's, and the obsession
was lifted.
You know, I believe theobsession to drink was lifted.
Before doing the steps for me,they were for me.

Speaker 1 (13:55):
It was for me, but I still.
I mean, when I was on my ass onthe floor and Tammy came up to
me and I'm crying, she's likebaby was wrong.
I said I'm an alcoholic and shesays I know, what do you want
to do about it?
Right then, and I didn't knowit was right then, until I can,
a few weeks later, when I was inMaynard's Holy shit.

Speaker 2 (14:23):
Oh, that's right.
Then it left me.
I still had to start thinkingabout it and I literally
remember when that I felt thatleave me.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
I was with Chris, we were doing our you know, the
book work in Mainers and I waslike you know, cause everything
happened so fast?
I was like when did that?
Oh, cause, that's a for me thatI was talking to myself, you
know, like when you talkyourself into that next drink
gone.
But I still had to do the steps.

Speaker 2 (14:46):
Like I said, I remember when that obsession
left and the willingness wentinto overdrive, right?
I mean because until that pointI was trying to still figure
out a way to get out of rehaband I was trying to convince
them people how to run theprogram and I was trying to tell
everybody what to do.
As Larry sees it, as Larry seesit right, I was still doing

(15:09):
that until that moment.
That obsession left and thatwillingness to do whatever it
took to get more of that peaceand that serenity in my life.
At that point I didn't give ashit about drinking anymore.
I wanted more of that peace inmy life Because you found its
replacement.

Speaker 1 (15:27):
Oh yeah, there's the.
It comes from God and it's realthat depression, and it's
lasting.

Speaker 2 (15:31):
When I saw that little bit of sliver of light
come in and I'm like, and Irealized the deep, dark
depression that I was sitting inand the darkness that I was in,
I'm like I want that.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
Whatever that I was in, I'm like I want that
whatever that was, I just saw Iwanted that and I did everything
I get to get, and to get thatthis, this was a beautiful thing
, like in church today.
Steve was talking about, uh,the pastor, about everybody's
got a mission, or god has aministry for you.
Right, you know.
But what normal people think iswhat I don't want to go to
africa and be a missionary.
That's probably not it,motherfucker.
But if it was, if that was whatgod had planned for you, right,

(16:07):
he will put such something onyour heart that that's all you
will want, right?
But and I and I was, and Italked to him after the word, so
I was talking to brian, brianhad me and brian were working on
a few things, and I said Iappreciate the fact, because he
told me because, listen, god hasa ministry for you, but it
wouldn't be a shame for you toget there, you know, because it
doesn't mean you're not going toheaven because you are in
Christ, you know, if you're aChristian, anyway, this is the

(16:27):
Christian ease, he said, butit's yours, wouldn't it be a
shame to stand before God?
And he says, well, this is whatI had for you, but you chose,
you know, the easier, softer way, more or less.
You're still here.
Look what I had for you to lookat the lives you know you could
have touched, which a is allabout action.
And if you, you know, if you,and if you're listening to this,

(16:48):
you hear nathan's story, yourealize, if you want to get from
where he was, which was, youknow, the, the childhood, and
where he's at now, which isamazing, relationship with god
and his children and the motherof his children, I mean it takes
action.
Yeah, this, this, this, this,because you do the third step.
I mean, if you think about it,you do the third step prayer.
What is it I offer myself toyou today to build with me, as

(17:11):
you will.
I mean, how many times have weprayed to God If God doesn't
answer?
You know why?
Because what do we do next?
This is how it works you do theprayer, then you show God how
serious you are.
I'm so serious about that, I'mgoing to go do.
I'm going to go write afearless moral inventory and I'm
going to go with another manand I'm going to share this pain
.
I'm going to share this truth,I'm going to share this, do

(17:31):
whatever I got to do, and thenGod says, okay, that prayer is
actualized because you did thework.
And then we do what Six andseven At.
I give you everything, all of me, the good and the bad.
Right, and this is how seriousI am, lord.
I'm going to go do step eight.
I'm going to make a list ofpeople I had hurt and then I'm
going to take the action to godo the best I can to make me as
a God.
And then that prayer, which wecall the ninth step, promises

(17:54):
that prayer becomes actualized.
Right, but no prayer in yourlife people will become
actualized if you don't put thefucking work behind it.
There's the F word Sorry.

Speaker 2 (18:02):
Right, it takes action.
That's why we have buteverything in our lives.
If you want something, takesaction.

Speaker 1 (18:07):
If you want it, it takes action.

Speaker 2 (18:09):
But people's faith in God diminishes because they
think they're going to get itLike he made water into wine.
It doesn't happen that way, andthey think if they're so
earnest in their prayers.

Speaker 1 (18:17):
that is going to know .
Get up and go, go do it.
God will hit a moving target.
He prefers to do so, am Icorrect, nathan?

Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yeah, yeah, I believe that that what you read we're
talking about after that thirdstep prayer.
That's something that reallyhit with me when right before we
did, right after we did, thatthird step prayer and we talked
about the third step, and youhad said that, um, by truly

(18:47):
doing this, the third step isdoing steps four through 12,
basically how you accomplish, inother words, how you turn your
will and your life over to careof God.

Speaker 1 (18:55):
That's how you do it.
Yeah, you do.
You do the next four through12,.
You do the next nine steps.

Speaker 3 (19:00):
Yeah, and um and you did, yeah, and you did.
She cannot believe that I amthe more patient parent with the

(19:25):
children, like, and that I'mjust always calm and have all
these things that I never hadbefore.
I was always so angry that itwas uncontrollable really.
And you know, larry talkedabout the serenity like serenity

(19:46):
is is huge in my life todaylike that's, that overwhelming
calmness oh yeah, that god doesfor us, god's doing for us.

Speaker 1 (19:53):
It's serenity couldn't do for ourselves and I
never say that again.

Speaker 2 (19:57):
Say that again, nathan.

Speaker 3 (19:59):
That overwhelming calmness that I have is, I think
, we talked about that in here.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
We couldn't really say a definition of serenity.
We've talked about that on thepodcast Overwhelming calmness.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
I like that, I do too .

Speaker 2 (20:10):
There we go we actually we asked for a
definition that you know.
What does serenity mean to you?
We talked about that and youjust nailed it right there.
What you just said, I hadn'theard it said that way before.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
Put that down in my big.
I hear I got notes in my bigbook when they're good so I can
write that down.
So that's always overwhelming.

Speaker 3 (20:28):
That is good.
Yeah, I, and that's somethingthat I have.
You know, I haven't been in afight in five and a half years
and that's almost as big of anaccomplishment to me as not
drinking Right Like.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
Do you ever miss it?
Not the fighting of anger, butI know for my son-in-law, that's
a dopamine thing for him heneeds the rolling, the, the that
.
Do you ever think about goingback and just getting involved.

Speaker 1 (20:58):
He's gonna okay, we're gonna get fried mondays,
right?
Well, not me, I'm sorry.
Wednesdays I'm doing it andfridays I'm doing jason's, come
with me, and yeah, we've talkedabout that.
Going to watch logan compete,right, because I guess he's
still.

Speaker 2 (21:10):
Hey, he's still th he could get oh my god, you're
still, you're still very healthy.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
Yeah, I mean, that's awesome, yeah but I want to talk
to me about another thing,that's we're going to get off
the road.
I know I just find that no, no,it's good though, because look
what we get to do in sobrietyRight.
Look what we get to do Right,there's certain things I get to
do.
I'm 52 years old with a titaniumhip and I'm back on the mat.
It's plastic.
It might be because themotherfucker didn't go off
yesterday and the ladies at themetal detector people that want

(21:34):
the wand.
So I said I got to.
How did what did you?
What did you sleep, what didyou spend them?
And how did you get to wake up?

(21:55):
Because the program of alcohol,synonymous and god oh yeah,
that that's a huge, just hugealthough we're not associated
with Alcoholics Anonymous.
Sorry, go ahead.

Speaker 3 (22:02):
I am blessing um that I got from from Alcoholics
Anonymous is um.
I got to spend Christmas withmy children.
The last three Christmases Ispent the night at their house

(22:24):
on their couch and got to wakeup Christmas morning and watch
my little girls open up presents.
I love that.
If you would have asked me ortheir mom if that was going to
happen in the future, you know,five, six years ago ago, like no
chance in hell would that havehappened.

(22:45):
And um, it's all from, fromhaving, like what rob had talked
about, those two powers, youknow, the power of the
fellowship and power of god, um,and being able to be accepting
and loving and caring and andhaving humility and and serenity

(23:09):
and and peace and and beingable to have those types of
relationships with them.
And I, I talk with the kids asmom for an hour, two hours at a
time, sometimes on the phone,and we're not together.
We're not.

Speaker 2 (23:22):
You know, we're is there anything still there
between the two of you, or maybeyou don't want to talk about
that?

Speaker 3 (23:30):
Say it Well, I would be open to getting back with her
.
I still love her.
I always will love her GotchaOkay.
I'm the one that made themistakes, and but you know
that's not.
If that's not, god's will Right, and that's then I'm okay with

(23:52):
it.

Speaker 2 (23:52):
You know what, nathan ?
That goes back to that serenitything, and I say this you know,
it says it in our bible andcalmness.
Well, yes, but we ceasedfighting, right.
Not only does that mean in ouralcohol, and that to me, I cease
fighting with anything that Ican't control, right, that was
the biggest and hardest thingfor me and that's where the

(24:12):
peace and serenity came into mylife is when I cease fighting,
when I cease trying to tell youhow to run your life, or I cease
trying to control what yourthought is or how you you
process or how you treat me.
And you know, I don't, I don'tgive a shit about that anymore.
My wife gets very upset with mewhen she tries to get me upset
over something my daughter didor something that this person.

(24:32):
I'm like it's not a big deal,honey, you're going to be okay.
I mean, why aren't you as upsetas me about this?
She gets mad and she's like Idon't understand why this does I
.
I'm laying and she'll say whydid that piss you off?
I'm like, if something happensto me, I'm like I don't know why
I don't piss me off becausethere's nothing I can do about

(24:53):
it.

Speaker 1 (24:53):
way they feel that's the way it's not worth my
serenity.

Speaker 2 (24:55):
It's not, it's not worth my peace, it's not right,
and we ceased fighting.
That's where I, that's the part.
For me it was never about thealcohol, right, the alcohol I
used to help suppress that angerin that, in that anxiety,
anxiety and that flame that wasinside of me.
I wasn't't a physical personlike you.

(25:17):
I was a mentally, verbal,abusive person.
Right, I would tear you down ina matter of a moment.
Right, it was easily easy forme and I didn't give a shit.
Right, I would just go on aboutmy day, you know, and those in,
and that's how I handled thatpart of it.
But I, I got to a point where Ididn't like that about me, I

(25:40):
didn't.
And then that's when mydrinking really got even harder,
because I was trying tosuppress that all the time.
But when I say I ceasedfighting, I stopped that, right,
when Chris turned those chairsaround and he said I wasn't in
control of those and I realized,holy shit, he's right, he's

(26:01):
right, I'm not.
And that's when I saw that,that little glimmer of hope and
that.
But I don't even know where Iwent down this rabbit hole.
But that's when I ceasefighting.
But that's when you say you knowwhere you're at now.

Speaker 1 (26:14):
You cease fighting and you're in more of a peaceful
place in your life in hisrelationship, possibly right
with his, you know, because he'sletting god, whatever god wants
, whatever god.

Speaker 3 (26:21):
What I want for my life and because yeah, it's like
that in every situation really,I you know, there's serenity
prayer right when the closer youcan get to that.

Speaker 2 (26:31):
Yes really what it's all about 100% nathan it's such
a simple prayer, but so powerful, right yeah?

Speaker 1 (26:40):
It's just so powerful .
Like I was grinding for twowhen we talked about the Monday
night meeting.
Because I was grinding for twoweeks, you know the first two
weeks when Bonnie left, becauseI had you know things, because
when she she went to take careof Tammy, I had other things
that got thrown on my plate.
And I was when I said, hey, Igot this, and that's exactly
what I said in my mind.
I got this and that's exactlywhat I said in my mind.
I got this.
I didn't ask God to come help,I said I got this.

(27:01):
And then for two weeks I wasdoing great.
I didn't.
I wasn't, but mentally andspiritually, and everybody can
see it, what's wrong, rob?
Nothing's wrong.
What's wrong, right.
And I didn't realize it untilwatching brandon on sunday get
baptized.

(27:21):
And then god hit me and I waslike I left him right.
I didn't pray in the morningbecause I'd get up in the
morning.
I was telling nathan on the wayout.
I didn't do my normal.
You know a little bit ofreading, a little 24 hour and
then to tell god, I was just up,okay, I got.
Not only do, I got to do theshit I want to do, you know, I
got to work.
And then, okay, then there'sthese other things that I got
this right.

(27:41):
And then watching brandon getbaptized, the emotions and god
says, and I was like you know,thanking him, he's like, well,
where have I been?
Like fuck, I left you on thecorner of 32nd vine when I said
I got this right, would youplease come back?
Right, I went back to, I wentback to the corner of the street
Come, please, come back, wouldyou please go with me today?
And I started doing what I usedto do and it happens to all of

(28:03):
us, you know, but everybody cansee it.
Brandon goes, I can see on yourface you look just like me.
Then, when I showed up at themen's retreat, just, and I
didn't have a good time becauseI took myself with me, yeah,
that's a good point.

Speaker 2 (28:13):
I took myself with me .
Yeah, and you know what?
We're so attached to ourselvesthat we do forget to leave us
behind.
Somebody will ask me.
I said fuck you.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
I forgot to bring God with me, right.

Speaker 2 (28:24):
I got this.
You don't want my thoughts.
I guarantee you my thoughtswill get you in trouble.
You don't want my opinionbecause my opinion is mine.
Use your own fucking opinion.
This last week has been anamazing week.

Speaker 1 (28:33):
Right weekend right not because everything went well
, because it sure as fuck didn't, but god was with me, right,
and it's in perspective.
Right, everything is back inperspective, right.
You know his perspective.
Like nathan just saidbeautifully if it's god's will,
right, and he wants it, that'swhat I want, right, and then
doors will open well, that's oneof the biggest blessings that
has happened is my perspectivechange, that's my perspective on

(28:57):
everything is completelydifferent.

Speaker 3 (29:00):
It's not so much that everyone else changed and
everything else changed, it'sthat I changed, yeah, and the
way I look at things change,outlook on life will change.

Speaker 2 (29:09):
God bless me.
No, bless them and change me.
Bless them and change me.
Yeah, it's a.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
that's what you're right now.
My perspective changed, Ididn't, and that's just like
page five you're talking about.
I was just gonna say nathanwanted to bring that up well,
when we do that, when we prayfor those people wherever you
know because I I got that wholepage highlighted, my favorite
page it's not those people don'tchange those prayers and god
change us and our views.
So talk about what you talkabout.
A 552?

(29:36):
.

Speaker 3 (29:36):
Yeah.
So we were reading that storyin the back of the book a few
weeks back and, and you know, Iheard it and I knew that there's
ones, that that the resentmentis still there A four For my
father, for instance, right, and, and so when I got home that

(29:59):
night, I I realized that I Idon't ever pray for my dad.
I pray for my brothers andsisters and my kids and their
mom and and um people in thefellowship, um, and stuff like
that, but I don't ever pray formy dad.
And and so that night I prayedfor my dad, um, you know, I the

(30:22):
way that I looked at it wasthere was like, oh, there's no
hope for him.
You know he's, he's hopeless Um, but I prayed for him that
night and he called me the nextday, the next day yeah, it
didn't take two weeks.
Um, like the book says, um, thethe next day, the next day, yeah
, it didn't take two weeks.
Yeah, um, like the book says,um, the very next day he calls

(30:43):
me and he's told me that he'sclean and that he wants to go to
a meeting.
And I said I'll take you to ameeting.
You know, and and um, I tookhim to a meeting for a couple of
days and and then, uh he, hehasn't came back since then, but
to me that was God's way ofshowing me that he's there.

Speaker 2 (31:05):
Um the God's there.
Yes, the God's there.

Speaker 3 (31:08):
Absolutely.
Um, nobody is hopeless.

Speaker 1 (31:12):
And I think that was the point he wanted to get
across to you with God involved,nothing's hopeless, hopeless
right.
And it also had you reach out.
You know it helped you toovercome.
A pray for him, those that wethink of ourselves, because
that's what god wants, that'sbecause that's who we were.
We were hopeless and helpless.
We thought we mean we were the,and look what god did to us.
Look what god's done for usright when we, when we got out

(31:34):
of the way, admitted our faultsand did the fucking step work.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
There's the effort again, sorry oh yeah, and I
pointed out page 552 to numerousother people in the past, but
never have really used it myselfit hit you a little differently
, didn't it?

Speaker 1 (31:48):
well, this is gonna be good for you, but I'm not
gonna take my advice I do.

Speaker 2 (31:52):
I suffer myself, right but there's sometimes
where you read it and you goover it.
You different.
You're right.
Yes, it hits you differentlybecause I feel like it's your
emotional state at the time thatyou're reading it.
There's so many things.
Rule 62 and one of the storiesand I wish I could go back to it
.
Rule 62 I'd read it multipletimes until until it hit chris

(32:13):
from up here in waterford.
He had a tattooed on the backof his arm, a hand, and I'm like
what is that?
He's like rule 62.
And he I'm like, wow, stoptaking yourself so fucking
serious, right, and it changed.
It changed a lot for me.
It changed a lot for me.

Speaker 1 (32:29):
It goes in with what I read, god will constantly
disclose more to you and us askyou know if your, if your house
is clean as we grow spiritually?
It's like the bible.
People say it about the Bibletoo, but as you read the big
book, fuck, I never even saw itthat way before.

Speaker 2 (32:41):
Right.

Speaker 1 (32:42):
As we become more spiritually fit Right, or I
shouldn't say you can bespiritually.
He's as spiritually fit asanybody, 30, 40, 60 years sober
because he did the work he's hadthat.
But as we become morespiritually mature Right, the
spirit mature, right, the spiritinside of us and god okay, now
you're ready for this a littlebit more.
Here's the same sentence, butnow you're gonna see it, it's a
little bit depth.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
Now you're gonna read in between the black letters
and that's what happens I'llhear jason right, jason r say
some stuff sometimes and I'mlike where did he get that from?
And I'll go back and read thesame thing he just described and
just spoke about and I don'tsee what he's saying.
Right, but you will, but I,well, or I or I'll say something
that that somebody didn't see,that they've read multiple times

(33:23):
.
It's once again.
It's where you're emotionallyat at the time and spiritual
maturity, if you're going toaccept what you're reading,
right, you're are you open?
Are you accepting it?
Am I in a position to where Ineed to hear that now you?
okay, there you said I wish Ihad a video on, are you no, but?

Speaker 1 (33:42):
are you open?
Okay, we're gonna tie into whathe just said.
Are you open?
Open, absolutely.
I've been sober almost 14 years, right where we're at sitting
this table, and for two weeks Iwas grinding if I had just said
what nathan did, god, whateverthy will not might be done.
When you do that, he'll openthe door, because I've heard so
many people they're strugglingwith something.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
If you truly give it, if you truly Truly give it If
you really mean it, if you'resitting there with your teeth
grinding and go, god, just takeit from me.

Speaker 1 (34:10):
He ain't going to take shit from you Because
you're not ready, you're notopen yet for it.

Speaker 3 (34:14):
I think it goes with that saying I get to do this,
not I have to do this, andstarting to make you know,
training our brains to helpchange the perspective.
Like I worked this weekend andwhen I I almost wrote when I was
talking, texting somebody Ihave to work tomorrow.

(34:36):
And then I caught myself as I'mwriting it and wrote I get to
work tomorrow and then I caughtmyself.

Speaker 1 (34:39):
That's funny, right as I'm writing it and wrote I
get to work tomorrow right, like, but it's those little things I
mean, that's, I love that right, that's because that matters,
that's growth, that's and youknow it's funny when you hear
people talk I have to go to dothis, I have to go do that.

Speaker 2 (34:53):
You hear it now.
Yes, right, and you want tocorrect them, but there's so
many and I, sometimes I will.
No, no, no, there's sometimes Iwill.
Yeah, you get to do that.
No, yeah, yeah, I get, you'reright.
You're right, it is.
I mean, I'll never forget thefirst time Rob said it to me.
I was coming home, I wasprobably maybe four or five
months sober and I was like Ihave to go do this, I have to do

(35:14):
something for my dad.
I said I got to go do this formy dad and he says, no, larry,
you get to go do that for yourdad.
I'm like, yeah, and he kind ofhit me right then he's
absolutely right, I get to go dothis.
It's something I didn't want todo, but I had the ability to go
do it and my dad was stillaround to go do it with Right.

Speaker 1 (35:41):
I think the way I pref.
What a blessing.
There you right to go right.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
You have service to your dad and you're like, yeah,
you prick, but you did.
But you which would normally beyour response, but you didn't
say that.

Speaker 1 (35:44):
You said you're right , you're right, I do, you're
right, it literally was, and Iprobably said shit like that to
him multiple times, multipletimes.

Speaker 2 (35:48):
It's just right.
You know that's one of thosefucking things, right anyways.
So I want to wrap this backaround to what we originally
started talking about, and thatis waiting.
Waiting the six years, the stepwork, waiting that period of
time dangerous, right?
I don't know.

(36:08):
There's no way I could havedone it.
There's no way I could haveeither.
I don't know.
And I'm going to ask this,nathan, and you can answer or
not answer it, I don't care what.
What was getting you throughthat?
What I mean?
What tools were you using?
Because you service?
For one, we know service, right, but that wasn't until about a

(36:31):
year and a half before you didtheir step work.
Right, right, right, but youstill had four years there that
you just were grinding what what?
Right, but you still had fouryears there that you just were
grinding.
What was keeping you sober,what was keeping you from the
drunk?
Because you even said that yourreservation didn't leave until
you started doing those things.

Speaker 3 (36:48):
The step works, right , no, my reservation was gone as
soon as I got sober.
Okay, I did not have that Rightbefore his mother died.
That's right, he had the lastreservation.

Speaker 1 (36:57):
That's right, he would go through periods of a
lot of meetings and no meetings,a lot of meetings and no
meetings.
But it had to be the power ofthe fellowship, kind of, because
you just that was just keepingyou sober, it was the power of
the fellowship.

Speaker 3 (37:08):
It was not having that reservation to drink, not
having the obsession.

Speaker 2 (37:15):
Do you remember any happiness during that period of
time?

Speaker 3 (37:17):
Oh, definitely.

Speaker 2 (37:18):
Oh you do Okay.

Speaker 3 (37:19):
There was lots of happiness during that time
period, but I do rememberstruggling to feel joy and
happiness.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
Okay, all right.

Speaker 3 (37:26):
All right and moments that.
I was in back then I rememberthinking to myself I should be
happy right now.
I should be feeling happyfeelings, right now and then,
and it just wasn't happening.
I did and I thought you knowI'm more so just blamed it on oh
, it was probably the alcoholand the drugs, Right, and I'm

(37:47):
not producing those endorphinsand stuff, Right?

Speaker 2 (37:51):
But I don't think.
Look at the shit we tellourselves.

Speaker 3 (37:53):
I don't think it was that Right.
I Look at the shit we tellourselves.
I don't think it was that Right.
I think it was more so.
I wasn't okay, I wasn't atpeace inside that I still had
that spiritual malady.
Right, I wasn't seeking God.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
God was there, but I wasn't seeking him.
I find myself on that rantstill to this day only because
I'm gonna don't want to.
I want to be very careful.
I say that because I live sucha busy life.
I'm no different than anybodyelse huh, full life full.
I'm gone all the time, right,and my balance is is screwy.
Katie and I were just talkingabout this yesterday, right I,
my balance is.

(38:37):
I haven't found it again in awhile and I think I even
referenced the other night whenI was speaking that my balance
is really off right now.
If it wasn't for this podcast,I'd be really podcast, and
monday night is it?
Because that's a, that's astability, that's right.
I mean, the podcast issomething you know.
Now.
It's a.
This is we have to do it everytwo weeks.
Right, I have to when I knowthat there's not one in there.

(38:59):
It has to be done.
And I don't like the like, thethought of saying that it has to
be done because this is a gift,right, it's a gift that Rob and
I get to do.
Right, it's a gift to have youin here to tell, to sell your,
to tell your story.
It's a gift.
Everything we do in thispodcast is a gift, cause we'd be
dead if we had got sober.
Right.
So all of this, to be able toshare this as a gift.

(39:20):
But there's when I'm gone for acouple of weeks at a time and I
don't have the Monday nightgroup, the Saturday morning
groups.
I don't have those groups.
What you just spoke about, that, that little bit of unhappiness
and uneasement inside me's hardto find that joy.
It's hard to find the joybecause in my mind everything is
work right.

Speaker 1 (39:40):
I don't have but the problem, and here's, here's what
we will get to eventually.
God's with you everywhere yougo and that's a percent, and
that's where our joy and ourpeace we got to find that in him
, and as and as as we spread ourwings, as you are spreading
your wings, it's a great thing.
God didn't get you sober justto do podcasts and go to monday
night he got you sober to be alight in the world and I go be

(40:01):
that light and you gain here andyou will get there I get the
opportunity to

Speaker 2 (40:05):
come home and get refueled like right and I get
the opportunity to speak a lotto people because of my, because
of this podcast and because ofyou know, obviously I advertise
my, my, all over my arm.

Speaker 1 (40:17):
I get the opportunity .

Speaker 2 (40:19):
I'm very sober, out loud, I get the opportunity to
speak to a lot of people, and alot of I mean I've had people
stop me in airports and ask me.
I've had people in restaurantsask me.
I've had I mean I've been ableto speak to.
I had a guy on the airplanejust going last week we were
going into San Diego out ofFresno and he was sitting next
to me and I was reading.

(40:40):
I had my iPad open and I wasreading something and I come
across when I turned the page itsaid AA on the Alcoholics
Anonymous over the top and Iactually had my headphones on
and I was listening to music asI was reading you know
multitasking.
And he looked at me like thisand he started talking.
And I'm like you knowmultitasking.
And uh he, uh, he looked at melike this and he started talking
and I'm like this dude realizedI got headphones in so I took

(41:02):
anyways, we started talking andhe would just got back from a
mission.
I said, well, you know I'mAlcoholics Anonymous, I did this
and we started talking aboutyou know different kinds of gods
and this and that you know.
But because I got thatopportunity, that was my AA meet
, that was my AA moment.
At that particular moment, jasonand I yesterday, down there in
the middle of the parking lot atClovis East at a damn AA

(41:26):
meeting, right in the middle ofthe you know, when we get the
opportunity, we regroundourselves right and we talk
about it and that's where my joyand my happiness comes.
And you know, and I said thisto somebody the other day, if it
isn't work or AA and this iskind of sad for me I have a hard
time having communication withsomebody.

(41:47):
If it's not work or AA, right,so where's my balance?
That's where I say I need tofind my balance.
That's where I need to find mybalance.
I need to be able to find thatjoy and happiness with my wife.
Katie was listening to somethingthe other day on TikTok or
whatever.
She was listening to and I saidand she started talking to me
about it and I said, yeah, Ireally don't care.

(42:07):
And she goes well, it's kind ofunfair that you can't talk to
me and I, dude, that hit me hard.
Ooh, that hit me hard.
And that was the next day I wasflying out to back down to
Arizona and I texted her.
I said, hey, send me thatperson you were listening to.
I want to get, I need that waswrong of me, right but finding

(42:32):
that balance so we can keep thatpeace.
Nathan, like we talked aboutknowing where we're at, if we're
not in those meetings, whereare we finding our happiness?
Where are we getting our joyfrom?

Speaker 1 (42:38):
Where's that conscious contact with God
coming from?

Speaker 3 (42:40):
Right, right.
Well, yeah, that's you know.

Speaker 2 (42:42):
Some people say progress, not perfection right,
right there, but really, reallyit's spiritual progress not
spiritual perfection.

Speaker 1 (42:50):
Thank you for that?

Speaker 3 (42:51):
Yes, absolutely.
The more that we grow closer toGod and the more that's where I
get grounded and centered andbalanced is the closer I am with
him.
The more that I seek his willand the more that my will and
his will align, the more joy Ifeel.

Speaker 2 (43:13):
Thank you, yeah, thank you, nathan.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
And how that happens per person can be different.
You know how we seek God andhow we spiritually or spiritual
Right.
What did you say?

Speaker 2 (43:27):
Progress, progress Say that again Spiritual
progress.

Speaker 1 (43:30):
Rather than spiritual perfection.
Okay, yeah, I like that weclaim spiritual progress rather
than spiritual perfection.

Speaker 3 (43:35):
Yeah, that's how it's stated.
But, people use progress, notperfection as excuses for things
which is not

Speaker 2 (43:44):
meant for that.
That's funny.
You're right, they do.
They use it as a joke.

Speaker 1 (43:50):
This is how they just messed up.
You know it's progress, notperfection.
And then Nathan gives you thereal quote.
He's a big book thumper is whathe is not perfection.

Speaker 3 (43:57):
And then nathan gives you the real quote.
He's a big book.
Thumper is what he is.
Well, you know, that'ssomething that I've.
I have gotten into the bookmore and more lately.
Rob doing the um thursday nightuh book study, and then the
monday you know it's same samedeal.
It's a book study as well, andso we're going at it double

(44:17):
whammy.
You know, yeah, went through it.
Uh, what we went through just acouple months ago.
We're going to be going througha monday now and we'll hear new
shit that we didn't hear thefirst time.

Speaker 2 (44:27):
We went right because we're more spiritually mature.

Speaker 1 (44:30):
Hopefully you know at least I am because I mean I
heard that and I heard four orfive times at that fucking men's
retreat there's the F wordagain, whatever you know when
someone was sharing and then youknow there would be like a
couple of cross conversationsand someone would ask someone
else well, where's God in that?
Where was God in that?
And the whole time I'm justgrinding and I don't realize,
till my brother's gettingbaptized.
Rob, you left God on the cornerof 32nd and Vine.

Speaker 2 (44:52):
Why do you keep bringing up that accident?

Speaker 1 (44:53):
Because that's where it was.

Speaker 2 (44:55):
That's where I found him.
How do you know?
You found him right there, notin a Cracker Jack box In
Stockton.
That's where I found him.

Speaker 1 (45:01):
That's where I left him, that's where I told God
I've got this, I know it's ajoke.
He was right there.
It's a joke, you know, butthat's where you just drop him
off and he take me with youyou're gonna need.
He says okay, son, this I got,I've got this.
Okay, son, let me know how thatgoes.
Call me if you need me.
You ain't gonna jump back inthe car, no, you know.

(45:22):
And he lets you go.
Right, you know, have yourselfand, through your own strength
and your own little little plansand designs, go ahead.
Baby, that's funny, he neverjumps right, but I heard it.
I mean, at times I hear guyssay well, where's god in that?
Yeah, I got it.
And another guy said listen, hesaid you know that he had spent
so much time working andhelping other men.
And you know he did.

(45:43):
He forgot to work on himself.
Yeah, oh, rob, right, right,but you think you're.
You think you're.
How come you're not in thepassenger seat?
Oh, you told me to get out,remember, you told me.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
I got this.
You know, that was pretty earlyon, when you were telling me,
when you and I first startedworking together, you were
telling me all these people thatyou were working with and I
finally called you up out of theblue and said who do you have
that you could talk to aboutsome of this shit?
And you, you have that youcould talk to about some of this
shit.
And you're like, don't worry, Ihave people and that's next
week.
You mentioned the monday nightyeah, it's the very next week is

(46:20):
what I wanted in the mondaynight group, where I was like,
okay, I see, I see, and that'swhen I got started in the with
the men and I, that's when Ireally started realizing how
powerful that fellowship of youknow, that monday night group.
And I tell this, I say it allthe time our monday night group
is our monday night group.
Find your own right, find one,create one, because it is a

(46:42):
powerful tool for this sobrietyand having nathan's vehicle been
broke down a little bit right.

Speaker 1 (46:48):
I've been picking him up for meetings and stuff and
I've been getting I didn'trealize this.
Another thing I'm going toshare this.
Just I haven't shared it withhim either.
I've been getting a lot of mycalmness not overwhelming
calmness in the last coupleweeks when his body's been gone
from him.
Okay, because he's on, becausehe's grounded right now, and I
kind of got ungrounded and I'vebeen feeding off him good see we
iron sharpening iron, oh yeah,metal sharpening metal.

Speaker 2 (47:11):
I mean, I it's.
It's just, you know that.
That's why I say these groupsand being a part, and I hate
being gone on Mondays and I'mhere this Monday, gone the next
Monday, gone the next twoMondays.
You know, I hate that I'm gonebecause those Mondays are
extremely important to me andthe Saturdays, right, they're
extremely important for me tofind my balance, to get my

(47:32):
balance to stay in that balance.
And when I'm gone it's likewhat do I?
You know I miss it, I miss it.
But I also know that I couldpick up the phone and call any
of you guys and get right backto that balance that I need to
be at.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
That's part of that group.

Speaker 2 (47:45):
We just gotta take that action right.
We have to take that action andbe a part of that group.
Nathan, any closing words, no,a man of many.
That's great though I mean,yeah, where he's at right now
right is is where we, I meanwhere this is.

Speaker 1 (48:01):
There's no reason to ever not be here, right?
Do whatever it takes to stayhere.
You know, of course, I went ona two-week hiatus, but you know
being why did you?
Go on a two-week hiatus.
What I mean is when bonnie leftright and those two weeks were
I just grinding?

Speaker 3 (48:13):
oh, it was progressive.

Speaker 1 (48:14):
I didn't grind at first right as I started towards
the end of the week and in theweek and she could hear it you
know like because I told godI've got this right and I went
and you just picked up all theother stuff I had to do, okay,
and I was just so busy doing allthat other stuff I never made
him pray right.

Speaker 3 (48:28):
I let those things go right because I didn't have
time, right but like, uh, when Icalled you the other day and
and you were, you were in thatposition and you know, and, and
I wasn't expecting you to belike oh I'm, you know, not
feeling good or whatever, right,and I remember saying but this

(48:52):
makes you appreciate Bonnie awhole lot more now, doesn't it?
Not that you didn't appreciateher before, but it really helps
your perspective on what sheactually does do.

Speaker 2 (49:03):
You need to give her a raise when she gets home.

Speaker 3 (49:05):
In all aspects right, Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (49:08):
And we're both getting that, but absolutely,
and it's not that anythinglacked because I was kicking ass
, right, but at what cost?
Right, the cost of my spiritual.

Speaker 3 (49:17):
I absolutely appreciate her and you know
what's good, it's a beautifulthing god has done, right, you
know and god, and god will usehis things to yeah that you go
through to help you grow closerto him well, absolutely, and I
needed to, I really needed thatto, to reground and re-humble
you over the head every once ina while and I need it right and
I and I need it.

Speaker 1 (49:36):
But it doesn't take as I've grown.
It used to be a two by four,right Now it's just a, you know,
hey, sorry, right, and it takesa man like Nathan you know
who's I mean kicking ass to see.
Okay, I need that again.
So, right, go back, you know,know, get back to your roots.

(49:58):
Yeah, I need that and I see,because I, you see, when you see
spiritually fit human being,right doing the deal, okay, okay
, I'm not you engage.
Okay, I'm not there.
Right, what do I need to getback there?
Oh, take that five minutes inthe morning, like you used to
get on my knees, which I'm doing, I'm making a point.
Get on my knees and talk toyour father and ask him, invite
him.
Would you please get in the carwith me as I go?
Do this please.
Sure, I'll be there.
Don't leave me on the corneragain, but you can if you want,

(50:20):
I'll stay there, you know.
But, yeah, but I need them intomy life.

Speaker 2 (50:25):
No, because we're not all sick at the same time no,
and we're not all well at thesame time.

Speaker 1 (50:29):
No, no, and right now're more on point than I am,
but he's I mean he's he'sshining dude.

Speaker 2 (50:39):
I'm all over the place.
I all over the place right now.
Katie, you know me and mary.
In fact, me and mary got intothis the other night because her
and I disagree on a veryimportant thing.
I, my wife, is probably one ofmy biggest sponsors.
Who's never been an alcoholic,who's never went through the
book, who's never done throughthe book, who's never done any
of this work?
But I still say she's one of mybiggest sponsors because I can

(51:01):
thoroughly 100% open up to herwith this, no matter what it is
right, no matter what it is,which is what you're supposed to
be to your sponsor and Mary'slike, you ain't supposed to talk
to your wife about that kind ofstuff.
I'm like bullshit.
If I can't open up to my wifewhat I mean, what's the point of
having that best friend andthat that partner in living in
my house?

Speaker 1 (51:21):
Well, the problem with, I said, the problem.
The relationship with Mary isdifferent because her husband is
in the program Right.
So there's that dynamic thatyou don't have with Katie.

Speaker 2 (51:29):
No, I, like I said I, my wife, is probably one of my
biggest, is my biggest sponsorright and accountability is my
biggest sponsor.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
Right, accountability I call it.
I say accountability partner.

Speaker 2 (51:36):
Yeah, I mean she knows you like she knows exactly
when I'm going off the rails.
She sees it right.
She sees it in my face, butmore than anybody else, right,
and she can hear my voice on thephone.

Speaker 1 (51:49):
I didn't even think about that again.
But how we?

Speaker 2 (51:52):
bonnie is one of mine , yeah, and she's gone she's
gone right, because we talkabout right, everything right.
Yeah, you're missing that.
I didn't think about that.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.

Speaker 1 (52:01):
Yeah, I appreciate that and that's because we talk
every day on the phone.

Speaker 2 (52:04):
She's your partner she's your I'm gone from katie.
I'm gone from katie for two orthree days, but I'm in a bad
spot.
I got to get home.
I don't realize how much I vent.
It's not to my.
Here's the thing for me.
Just seeing her calms me.
Just seeing her calms me.
Smelling her.
I haven't been sleeping as well, Right, so I mean I can't go If

(52:25):
I'm home, if I'm away more thantwo or three days.
Listen to us talking about ourwives and poor Nathan.
He'll get there.
He'll get there.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
No, he's great dude.

Speaker 3 (52:40):
He's great dude, he's great he's great.
I have to find happiness andand uh, growth and all and
strengthen myself before I'mever capable of right providing
for someone else, you're 100right, right, I told you, he's
on point I'm getting closer.

Speaker 2 (52:50):
Yeah, god, god will literally open that door when
you're, when you right, and Ifirmly believe that.
I think it's right around thecorner myself, I do too, and
well, I think we hit something aminute ago, right.
I think we hit something there.

Speaker 1 (53:06):
I'm going to try to drive that nail in the board,
right, I mean.
God's timing is perfect andmine is not.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
God's timing is amazing, you know, and that's
the thing.
If we stop and get the hell outof the way and let him drive,
promise you life is better.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
He knows because he's right there.
I'm getting back to that.

Speaker 2 (53:24):
And when you find your life, when you feel
yourself fighting, you betterlook right.
Normally, when I see my lifegetting difficult and things
aren't going, it's because I'vegrabbed a hold of that steering
wheel Right, and I have to.
I have to back off and go hereyou go.
Take it back Cause sorry, Itook control for a minute.

(53:45):
Take it back Cause I don't likethe way I was.
I don't like the way I wasdoing it.

Speaker 3 (53:49):
Right, yeah, it's a struggle I.
One of the things that I prayfor and and uh in morning and
night is the opportunities thatGod gave me or gives me Right,
cause, like you said, you stillhave to take the action, yep,
and so that I use.
You know, like Rob always says,words matter.

(54:10):
You a hundred percent, and souh yeah, that's something I pray
for is the opportunities Right.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
All right, Mr Nathan Robert, for is the opportunities
Right?
All right, Mr Nathan Robert.

Speaker 1 (54:20):
Yes, sir, Nice Recovery.
Unfiltered Podcast gmailcom Sayit.

Speaker 2 (54:24):
Recovery Unfiltered.

Speaker 1 (54:26):
Podcast at gmailcom, If you have any questions.
Comments.
Why am I forgetting to say thatI don't know?
People want to reach out to us,which they have.

Speaker 2 (54:32):
Hey, harbor Drive, that's my boy.
Have a harbor drive, that's myboy.
I'm gonna go have him thisafternoon.
Take a look at some of theirmusic.
You're starting to see it.
He's starting to load a lot ofit.
Great friend of mine, the good,fabulous music.
Maybe not be the music youlisten to because it's a little
on the harder side, but he doesit like metallica acdc.

Speaker 1 (54:49):
Yeah, oh yeah, that's hardcore you want to see my
playlist.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
No, I'm good, that's all it is, yeah it's harbor.
Yeah, harbor drive, he's, uh,I'm we're gonna start working on
an intro for us and good, he'sawesome.
He helped me.
Like I said, he's the one thathelped me get this podcast up
and running in the verybeginning.
So when I asked him the otherday, I said, would you be
interested in doing an intro?
And you know, and harvard drive, you know producing and he's
like, absolutely, come down,let's take a look at it.

(55:13):
So, right, I'm actually goingto go over there this afternoon
and start working on something.
So hopefully we're going torecord number 40 next time you
and I are together.
That's going to be the end ofseason two and we're going to
start on season three.
On episode 41, baby Damn, youknow where episode 52 is right.
Episode 52 is one year.
No shit, yeah, I'll be down.

(55:33):
We'll be 12 episodes away fromone.

Speaker 1 (55:35):
That's a God thing I mean.

Speaker 2 (55:39):
I don't mean to throw one out there yet, but we've
been doing it.
No fronts, no fronts, baby, nofronts.
Let's get out of here.
All right Later.
Thank you for joining us today.
We hope you learned somethingtoday that will help you If you
did not come back next week, andwe'll try again.

Speaker 1 (56:00):
If you like what we heard, give us a five-star
review.
If you don't like what youheard, kiss my, you can't say
that, can you?
Anyway, if you don't like whatyou heard, go ahead and tell us
that too.
We'll see what we can improve.
We probably won't changenothing, but do it anyway thanks
, rob.

Speaker 2 (56:06):
Go back next week and hopefully something will be
different and something willsink in.
Take care, recovery unfiltered.
Thank you.