Navigating Recovery with Humor and Heart Episode #34

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You sit on the toilet , don't you Use that?

Speaker 2 (00:02):
as your meditation.
Not my wife, not your wife, noranybody listening to this
podcast has eaten a shitsandwich.

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Cutting.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Room Filter.
I'm Larry.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm Rob, I'm also an alcoholic.
We are not professionals.
There are no letters after ournames.
We know very little.
However, you will hear the wordGod and a foreign word in the
same sentence.
You will also be.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
Rob, we may have to redo this.
Just pass us by this podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
It's not for you.

Speaker 1 (00:25):
Our opinions are just that.
If you don't agree with whatwe're saying, that's okay.
We're going to love you anyway?
Probably not.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
You're not in any way affiliated with AA, so sit back
, grab a beverage of your choiceand get ready.

Speaker 1 (00:35):
Let's go Hi.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
Rob, what's happening , buddy, to redo that?

Speaker 1 (00:45):
I've been told we need to redo that so many times,
but I, but you, just joined twoof them you know the two that
we've done, I kind of did I kindof just farted around with it,
but we've had so but then again,like me and johnny were just
singing that old dr pepperjingle from back in the 80s, and
word for word people, peopleget used to people.

Speaker 2 (00:59):
Get used to hearing something you know.

Speaker 1 (01:01):
Here we go here's the thing I could tell you about
every podcast I listen to, Ifast forward through it.
Anyways, there you go, bang,bang.

Speaker 2 (01:08):
You know you got the little 15 second jumps, you, you
hit, hit it once and you'rethrough it, you're, you're into
the topic right and you?

Speaker 1 (01:14):
get you, get past it yeah, I, I normally so us doing
the effort of going back anddoing and changing everything.
I don't know.
Man, people hear it and theyrecognize hey, that's rob and
larry them, stupid littlefuckers.
God, I gotta stop cussing somuch I know I gotta get my.

Speaker 2 (01:30):
I gotta get my grammar fixed you'll be, we'll
be fine me and larry been downto the river how y'all doing
today.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
Oh, that's john, how come what.

Speaker 2 (01:42):
Our language is bad.
We use a southern accent likethey're.
People in the South are dumberthan us.
I'm going to West.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
Tammy.
Tammy said to never stopcussing and using the F word
Cause we did the whole episodeon F bomb.
But when Katie was listening tothis one she's like why are you
saying that word so much?
But we were pretty wound up onthat, not the one that you're
going to hear.
Right, episode 31.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
She said she needed to laugh and that she laughed.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
That was a fun episode, doug did, he goes.
That was one of the funnestones we've had.
I think that was number 31.
I was wound up, though we bothwere.

Speaker 2 (02:16):
We were wound up.
We were wound up, it's okay.
I still haven't had my surgery,it I know.
Hey, we gotta talk to dr pepper, that old lady you cussed at
she's got you.
You know, she's got you.
Hobbled is what you got.

Speaker 1 (02:28):
Here's the thing, and I keep saying this and I'm
gonna go back to this listen Idon't believe god punishes us.
I don't.
I have a firm believer in that.
We do that ourselves with you,thousand percent.
But I will guarantee you he'steaching me a lesson.
Oh yeah, he is teaching me alesson guaranteed.
Oh yeah, yeah, he is teachingme a lesson Guaranteed.

Speaker 2 (02:47):
Oh yeah, what does it say?

Speaker 1 (02:50):
The sons that he loves yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
He disciplines the sons that he loves.
We get disciplined.

Speaker 1 (02:54):
The pain that I have when I drive and I drive a lot
and I'm on a plane a lot thatthe pain that I have every time
that goes shooting through me.
I just sit there and go.
This is all you, larry, justsit there, shut up.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
And it's had to say he just had to call her a
fucking bitch.

Speaker 1 (03:12):
Hey, you're going to take every ounce of this, so
take it.
And you know what?
I don't even get frustratedanymore with that pain.
I got to laugh when I did,because I just flew back from
Arizona and it's only about anhour and 20 minute flight, hour
and 30.
Actually it was San Diego,sorry, it was an hour and 20
minute flight.
And the minute I sat down thepain was just incredible and I

(03:34):
was just bouncing back and forthand all I could do was laugh at
it.
I'm like what am I going to do?
I can't do anything and it's myfucking fault.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yes, that's a thousand percent.
Shut my mouth.
Did we learn?
Did you learn something from it?
Damn right, so I learned fromit, grow from it, and we move on
, and you won't repeat it, sothat's good you know what that
hope?

Speaker 1 (03:53):
you won't repeat it.
Right and expect the unexpected.
Right because it's still there.
Right, expect it because thatcame at me so unexpected that it
caught me off guard.

Speaker 3 (04:05):
That's one of those things that I've talked about
before, um, where it's alreadycome out of your mouth before
you, and realize what you said.
You didn't even process it, itjust I didn't boom.

Speaker 1 (04:13):
It was an, it was all zero to a hundred.
Oh that old behavior, Boom Yep.
Crops up thousand percent Oldbehavior.

Speaker 2 (04:21):
No alcohol needed.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
Nope, old it was a thousand percent old behavior.
No alcohol needed, nope Oldbehavior, that's to tell you.
And immediately I felt likeshit, but after I was too late,
but it was yeah, the cannon ringthe bell.
What do they say?
You can't put the toothpasteback in the tube.
Have you ever tried to do that?

Speaker 3 (04:36):
It's like no, but you know what you could do.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
next it's like having sex with a limp Peter.
But sex with a limp peter, butyou need a shoehorn.

Speaker 3 (04:47):
How that is gonna work.
Stop it.
Just just go have a.
Just go have a cup of coffee.
Because if you felt terribleimmediately, why didn't you make
amends?

Speaker 2 (04:51):
why didn't you make amends immediately?

Speaker 1 (04:53):
well, we talked about this because, as I walked out
right because I grabbed my shirt, I was pissed until the door
shut behind me.
And then, as soon as I got outin the lobby and that door shut
behind me, I was like what thefuck did I just do and it?
At that point it was too late.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
So the next time that that happens, what are you
going to do?
Before you leave the doctorbefore you even live in the
doctor's office.
How am I?

Speaker 1 (05:16):
supposed to know what to do?

Speaker 3 (05:17):
well, first and foremost, I'm not gonna.

Speaker 1 (05:19):
I will double check my ass before I walk into any
room, right, but we talk aboutthis.
Be prepared for the unexpected,you know.
Be prepared for what that drinksets.
Sits down in front of you at abar, right?
Yeah, I don't recommend anybodysitting at the bar.
I talked about that the lastepisode and I wanted to clarify
something lay down.

Speaker 2 (05:38):
I don't recommend if you are a recovering alcoholic
recovered recovered alcoholic,which means you mean you've
worked your steps and had aspiritual way.
As a result these steps, youhave recovered from a seemingly
hopeless state of mind.

Speaker 1 (05:47):
I don't recommend anybody going to sit at a bar.

Speaker 2 (05:51):
Like I explained that I do but, but again, I don't
have a problem if you're onedude, yeah I go to the bar too,
but some people can't do, somepeople still, because they're
uncomfortable they have analcoholic.

Speaker 1 (06:03):
Mind.
The book says well, okay, butsome people are uncomfortable
sitting at a bar.
Go ahead, you're right, somepeople are uncomfortable.
That's not that they have anurge for it, they just don't.
I don't have any purposesitting at that bar, right.
I have no purpose except to eat.
Yeah, people sit at a bar todrink alcohol, right.
That that mind.
I've always feel guilty aboutsitting at a bar.

(06:24):
I may be taking up somebody'sspot that wants to have a couple
drinks, I feel guilty.
But I also feel guilty abouttaking up a whole fucking booth
and I'm by myself.
Some step works on this guiltbullshit.
Oh, I don't have a lot of guilt, I just you know you just said
you feel guilty here.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
You feel okay, I don't have a drink or eat.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
They can sit next to you or they can wait till I'm
done.
They just don't do to have adrink.

Speaker 2 (06:45):
You know, I just try to be ginger, they know they can
sit next to you and have adrink oh wait, you know what you
could go have a roy, rogers,you know what?

Speaker 1 (06:53):
here's the thing my what's that fucker's horse's
name?
Anyway, trigger?
Hey, there are no such things.
Somebody said uh, larry, youknow what?
You just have a club soda.
When you know we were talkingabout that, carry your yeti
around with you.
And I say ain't carrying myyeti around with me because I
don't want people thinking whatI may have something inside that
drink well then just think well, okay, but go ahead, go ahead.

(07:14):
But here, here's the thing, andI do think about this a lot,
right, not a lot I, this comesacross.
I carry aa pretty openly, right, pretty openly.
I'm I'm sober out fucking loud.
I mean now I I want to clarifysomething.
I don't go around beating on atom-tom, right, I don't stand in
the middle of the beer aisle atthe grocery I don't stand in

(07:36):
the middle of the beer aisle at,you know, at the grocery store
and go.
You shouldn't be drinking, thatI don't give a fuck whether you
drink or not, I'll buy you adrink.
I don't give a fuck whether youdrink or not, I'll buy you a
drink.
I don't give a fuck whether youdrink or not.
But you're sober out loud, I'msober out loud, right.
And if somebody's got a problem, talk to me.
We'll go find a quiet cornerand we'll talk.
We'll go over it.
But I'm not going to bestanding inside of a bar
preaching about alcoholism.

(07:56):
That's not what I'm talkingabout whatsoever, no, what I get
thrown out.
My point is I don't want to bedrinking a club soda with a lime
in it, and a person that I'vegiven amends to across the other
side of the bar has seen medrink a soda water and in their
mind they're going that fucker'sover there drinking again,
right, because they don'tfucking know.
I'm not going to give them theopportunity to think that way.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
I got you Okay.

Speaker 1 (08:22):
If I'm going to drink a soda, it's going to say Pepsi
, right on that, motherfuckerRight.
Or if I'm going to drink a nicetea.
It's going to say Gold Peak Tearight on.
I'm not going to give them anopportunity.
I don't want somebody, becausethere's still some people that
want me to fail.

Speaker 2 (08:37):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (08:46):
There is a bunch of people that I had to make amends
to that still want to see mefail.
Right, I will.
I promise that and I don't havea problem with that.
I'm not going to give thempricks the satisfaction of
having a chance to say see, look, look, there he is, he's back
to it.

Speaker 2 (08:58):
All them fucking tattoos all the tattoos, all
that preaching, all that.
Look at it.
Change the date on that tattoo.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
He's drunken in talk about holding your own self
accountable.
Put your sober date on your armyeah, you talk about putting a
bullseye.
I can't wait for that I don'tgive a fuck.

Speaker 2 (09:13):
I ain't coming my wife has an uncle.
He had been married three times.
Wife's name.
Wife's name had like a big voidvoid.
He tattooed void over it jesus.

Speaker 1 (09:22):
Oh, oh, my God, johnny.
Anyways, yeah, welcome back.

Speaker 2 (09:27):
We didn't get into this last time, which I wanted
to, and I listened to ourpodcast again preparing for this
one.
I had asked you a questionabout God and you'd only
answered the first part of it.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
Well, that's what happens when you give somebody
ADHD with ADHD two partquestions you may only get one
part answer right.

Speaker 2 (09:45):
So the set, you had a resentment.

Speaker 3 (09:52):
So, yes, you, you, if I remember correctly, your your
question was you know, did Ibelieve in and did I have a hard
time with that, With the higherpower part of it?
Right?
So, yes, I, I do believe I wentover that last time.
When I got sober and got hereand I started doing that step
work, I realized that one of mybiggest resentments was towards

(10:13):
that higher power God.
I choose to call God.
And it went all the way backfrom okay, why did you do this
to me In the beginning?
It was like why did you do thisto me Right In the beginning?
It was like why did you do thisto me?

Speaker 2 (10:27):
And we say do this like, take your mother away.
Yeah, why?

Speaker 3 (10:30):
take your mother away from me.
Why couldn't you help my dad?
Why couldn't you do this andwhy didn't you do that?
If you're this God, you haveall of this power.
Why did you do all this?
And I was really resentfultowards all of that.
It wasn't until I read andunderstood the book of Job in

(10:50):
the Old Testament.
And God doesn't do things toyou.
He may allow things to happen.

Speaker 2 (11:00):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (11:01):
Right, because if you believe in God, yin and yang,
good and good and bad, black andwhite, you know if there is a
good, then there is an evil,right?
So?

Speaker 1 (11:10):
they're all.

Speaker 3 (11:11):
There has to be an opposite of everything there has
to be an opposite, absolutelythere has to be an opposite of
everything, and so so this andwhy would a good god allow bad
things to happen to good people,right?
well, right, you know, but I,that's where.
That's where it goes back to,where everything that happened
led me up to where I am today.

(11:31):
You know, I, I, everything,every.
I believe that in the in thebeginning, that everything,
every single one of those thingshad to happen right to to set
the set in motion, to lead me upto all of the bad decision
making that I was doing right.
And then I had to um, and thenI, to get me to where I was,

(11:54):
when I was just broken, defeatedand and absolutely, uh, willing
to just be raw and give it allup did you?

Speaker 1 (12:04):
did you have an original belief in christ?
I'm growing up.
Or god period, or god periodhigher power yeah he did, yeah I
did.

Speaker 3 (12:10):
You had a good, you had a good knowledge of, but
that the god that I, the godthat I believed in at the time,
was that fire and brimstoneyou're going.

Speaker 2 (12:17):
Okay, you're going.

Speaker 3 (12:18):
You're going to hell.
There's, you know, there's only, there's only one way to get to
heaven and and and by god.

Speaker 2 (12:22):
And then the preacher telling you don't do this,
don't do this, don't do this.
And by the time I was 13, 14years old, I could remember that
son of a, oh yeah, looking atme and basically saying and
young man, if you think about itis just as bad as you're doing
it.
Yeah, son of a bitch, I'mthinking about touching that
thing for 10 years, man, whatare you talking about?

Speaker 3 (12:40):
so I might as well do it, and I found out if I'm
going to hell anyway just forthinking that I might as well
enjoy the ride, baby, and here Igo, yeah, and that's kind of
and that's where it was I mean,I'm not going to heaven anyway,
right, that's why you did think,yeah, like fuck it, I'm not
going to heaven anyways.
And then the only time that Idid pray was those nine one one.
You know you get me out of thisone.
I'll never do it again, and then, oh god, a bunch of times I got

(13:01):
out of that shit.
Or you know the accidents, oryou know the getting shot or all
of the other shit that happened, just like you shared yesterday
.

Speaker 2 (13:07):
We don't see his hand Right, we're not looking for it
.
One, because we don't recognizeit too, so we're so To answer
that question, yes, In, in, so Idon't forget again to answer
that question.

Speaker 3 (13:19):
Yes, you know, god was on my original resentments
list.
He should be.

Speaker 2 (13:24):
You know, and, and, and, and.
Yeah, you know, a lot of peoplehad that, john.
A lot of people feel thatresentment towards God but it
was never really his fault.

Speaker 3 (13:34):
No, that comes into that.
You know, three years soberthat, that epiphany that I had
looking in the mirror that day,going Whoa dude, you're really
not a victim, know that?

Speaker 1 (13:44):
that's.
That's that's what we talked,okay hold on.

Speaker 2 (13:46):
We talked about a little denial last, yeah, and
then you know, that's also avictim mentality yeah, that's
that victim mentality too.

Speaker 3 (13:52):
Right, like were you?
Everything happened for reason.
But look at the man that I amtoday, like you, if each one of
those things wouldn't happen,even even when I was doing
messed up stuff when I was underthe influence.
You know the fighting, thearguing with the in the
relationships and that kind ofstuff you know.
Going back to, you know what Iwatched when I was, when I was a

(14:19):
kid.
You know, and all of thosethings that I thought were
normal.
I just thought everybody didthat.
I didn't realize that.
You know your dad, didn't?
You know whatever?

Speaker 2 (14:25):
And yeah, I need to function, thinking it was
function.

Speaker 3 (14:30):
I need to make this perfectly clear about my father.
I loved that man, he I lookedup to him, he, he very sick
individual, and I still try toteach my children, especially my
boys, a lot of the things thathe taught to me, just in a much
different manner.

Speaker 2 (14:47):
Right.

Speaker 3 (14:47):
Right, you know the work ethic, the love and just a
lot of that, Just a lot of that.

Speaker 2 (14:55):
A lot of do as I say, not as I do.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
That's one of the other thingsyou used to say to me Do as I
say, not as I do.
But we don't do that we repeatactions, right?

Speaker 3 (15:07):
So yeah, and then I turned into that, I turned into
exactly what I didn't want to.
And your father you mean, yeah,being that, you know, because I
said, I said last, time doughad said the same thing.

Speaker 2 (15:17):
You know I turned exactly the same thing.
Yeah, pat said the same thing.
I, you know I had grown upsaying I'm never going to be
that I'm never going to becomethat.

Speaker 3 (15:25):
I'm never going to become that.
And I became that.
And then some you know, becauseI wasn't working, where he
always held a job, and you knowthere was all of that stuff and
and then all the way to I waseverything that he was, and then
all the way to I was everythingthat he was.
And then some you know that the, the yets that he had, I
started accomplishing we'regoing to talk some more about
those, but yet you turned.

Speaker 2 (15:46):
Okay, cause the one thing I, we all know, the one
thing I disagree with is whenpeople say I was waiting for you
to come back here.
I was going to bring this up.

Speaker 1 (15:54):
I wasn't going to let that go.
This had to happen.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
No, gonna bring this up, I wasn't gonna let this had
to happen, no, right, no, itdidn't, it didn't have to happen
.
You know what I didn't say?

Speaker 3 (16:04):
I, I don't mean that it had to happen, right, but it
did happen, it did happen, itdid happen and we made happened
right and it did happen and itmade me the person that I had
and that I am today.

Speaker 2 (16:11):
When you, when you turn those, happening when you
turn those happenings over togod.
He, when we came to the roomsof a with the book, says and we
turned, you know, as we turnedour will and life over to the
care of God here.
This is what I am, this is whatI've done.
What can you do with this?
Let me show you, son Right,because I've seen what you can
do with it.
John, I've seen, rob, what youcan do with it, and you're going

(16:40):
, robin, I'm going to cause.

Speaker 1 (16:42):
I've talked about this, you're, you're I.
I'm going to play a littledevil's advocate here.
What you're saying is it didn'thave to happen, right?
It didn't have to.
No, and you're a thousandpercent correct, it didn't have
to.
There's a lot of things thatdidn't have to.
God could have gotten me here.
There's a lot of things thatdidn't have to happen.
Correct, there's a lot ofthings that didn't have to

(17:03):
happen.
I think what John is saying,because I have said it myself I
needed to go through the thingsI went through to be the man.
I am right.
Did I have to be mean tocertain people?
No, I didn't have to be right,I didn't have to be.
Did I have to be right?
I didn't have to be.
Did I have to do the things Idid?
I didn't have to.
Did I have to hurt the people Ihurt?
No, I didn't have to.

(17:23):
But I did.
You did Right.
And in order for me to let tostop hating me to do the amends
I had to have that I had to domy own amends to myself.
I had to come to therealization, because of those
struggles, because of that stuffthat I did.
It made me here, it got me here.

(17:46):
It took a certain amount ofpain for me to finally break.

Speaker 2 (17:48):
I get that.
The only reason I critiquepeople on this is because I want
you to be careful, because whenyou say I had to do this to,
get here you're making God theauthor of your evil, which is
not his fault, You're right onthat one.

Speaker 1 (18:01):
That's all I'm being careful, but there's a fine line
there.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
There's a line there, but we must take ownership of
our shit and not blame him forit, but I had to accrue a
certain amount of pain for me tobe broken.

Speaker 1 (18:16):
That's true, that is true, that's what it took.
Yeah, so, anyways, I justwanted we go through this crazy
I'm sitting here between you andI agree.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
I agree with both of you, right, I mean?

Speaker 2 (18:27):
I know what people are saying when they say that
right, but I don't think theyrealize what they're saying.
Is you know?

Speaker 1 (18:32):
like we learn lessons by our mistakes, so we should
um.
If you don't, you're an idiot.

Speaker 2 (18:39):
We didn't up until the point.
We were in enough pain.

Speaker 1 (18:41):
No, no, no, and you're right, but going through
the shit that I went through,looking back, I can tell you
there's another thing I want tobring up.

Speaker 2 (18:51):
There's people that are going through bullshit like
we went through that are notgoing to learn from it.
They will, and I know a lot ofguys that have died before they
got this.

Speaker 3 (19:00):
That's where insanity comes in right.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
They've died.

Speaker 3 (19:02):
Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again
expecting a different result.

Speaker 2 (19:07):
But you can't blame God for that because they never
turned it over.

Speaker 3 (19:09):
I never blame God for anything, but when you say when
people say I had go through a,b and c for god to get me to
here.

Speaker 2 (19:19):
You know to be the man I am today.
What you're saying is yeah, youknow every step that every step
that I took, every word thatI've spoken has already been
written down in some fuckingbook.
And there's no free will, rightbullshit there is.

Speaker 1 (19:28):
We make choices sorry , john we, I think we derailed
you no no, no, we're absolutelyaccurate right, no, no, I, I
just you know, because we,because we go, it does, rob, it
does Words matter, and trust me,I live that daily, because so I
even brought that into ameeting.

Speaker 2 (19:48):
I just and if you don't hold the alcoholic
accountable, yes, they're goingto denial.
They're going to find avenuesof here and there where it's
God's fault.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
It's his fault.

Speaker 2 (19:56):
No, no, no.
Own your fucking shit Right anddon't blame god for it.
Right period.

Speaker 3 (20:01):
So there's there's two parts to that right.
So there's there's the earlystages of that, where I had
absolutely no part in any ofthat.
I didn't have any part of, youknow, my mom dying or my dad
being an alcoholic, or or someof the stuff but then that, then
, at a certain point, right,right at a certain point, right
At a certain point, everything Ibecame responsible for the

(20:22):
things that I was doing.
Right.
So I still say, in my opinion,is that I still went through
everything that I went throughto become the person that I am
today.
Some of it, I don't think thathad I not gone through those
things, that I would be whereI'm at today, and that's just my
, my personal belief.
Right and even, even even witha lot of the poor choices that I

(20:46):
made while, while while underthe influence, right, when,
whether I was even recognizingthat I was making those choices
at the time or not, becausethere's blocks of years that I
don't remember, like I can'ttell you anything that happened
good in 1992, or bad period,like I don't remember the year
1997 also an entire blur whenyou guys and you and pat were

(21:09):
talking about that, the mealsgroup I started.

Speaker 2 (21:11):
I went home and I started looking at some of the
things, I started looking atsome of the pictures and I went
back to one of my Navy times.

Speaker 3 (21:18):
And then you realized that 92 to 94.
You realized that you don'tremember.
There's stuff in there that youdon't remember?

Speaker 2 (21:23):
Singapore, Hong Kong, Japan.
Oh shit, I'm looking at thesepictures.
I know where I was at.
Okay, I can't remember.
Damn, I don't remember.

Speaker 3 (21:31):
Yeah, right, right, son of a bitch.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
Son of son of a bitch right, I know I had a good time
.

Speaker 3 (21:41):
I think you know, you think I didn't catch anything.
So yeah, damn thing.
So you know, just to enlighteneverybody, we were talking about
blackouts right in a meetinglike you're coming in.
We were talking about blackoutsin a meeting and so not only
blackouts, but just time.

Speaker 1 (21:51):
I don't remember see I, I never, I don't have any of
that most of the 90s were a blurfor me.

Speaker 3 (21:57):
So if there's anybody out there and something
happened and it was in thenineties, man I may or may not
know, I did that.
So if you didn't get an amends,I am truly, I truly apologize,
because I don't even remember.

Speaker 1 (22:09):
You said something to well.
We were going to talk aboutyets.
Right, I want to get into thatyets.
But I mean, I wanted to makesure you yet.

Speaker 3 (22:19):
But I mean, I wanted to make you have a lot of them.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
I I don't know he put his, he put down the shovel way
sooner than we did.
It's you know what.
God bless him.
Yeah, and I did and did it.
But you did and didn't, andyou're right, because I've done
a lot of damage.
I've done a lot of damageinternally in my house?

Speaker 2 (22:31):
yes, we're talking about.
You know what some?

Speaker 1 (22:32):
people never got a dui.

Speaker 2 (22:33):
They never you know, lost a marriage.
They never destroyed a.

Speaker 1 (22:37):
You know there's but I'm gonna tell you right now I
never lost a marriage, but youknow what and I I I listened to
a couple things recently and whyit's pulled up on my algorithm,
algorithms on is beyond me whythis has started happening.
But I was listening to jordanpeterson speak and he was
talking about how you have tolose.
You know how a marriage most ofthe time has to split apart for

(23:01):
it to come back together and behealed up.
You know, katie and I got intoa great conversation yesterday
and I know how it got there.
But and I'm not going to godown that but Katie and I are
able to talk and haveconversations now that we've
never in the 30 plus years.
You know we got married in 91.
So it's 33 years, 30, whateverthat we've been married and we

(23:24):
have better conversations nowthan we ever have in the entire
time.
And and if you take the periodof time that I was at alcoholic,
that we were separated,emotionally separated, right,
and now emotionally I'm comingback and emotionally I think
she's coming back, you know,because emotionally she was done
with the marriage too.
Right, we weren't physicallyseparated, but we were

(23:46):
emotionally separated,emotionally.
I had checked out?

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, because who wants to be with an alcoholic?
That's why she now I mean yousay sometimes it doesn't bother
you, but when she was havingmore intimate conversations with
the dog, right then with youshe's gonna, because you were.
Well, who wants to talk to us?
Right, right, selfish,self-centered, egotistical,
right she's got larry wants totalk to himself yeah, well, he
does, he cheats cheetos up here,god damn it well, like that,

(24:13):
like the meme that I sentyesterday.

Speaker 3 (24:15):
You know, larry gets kidnapped and you know the four
hours later he gets returned.
Hey, I'm gonna tell you rightnow, and hearing him talk about
sobriety, the rob last or notlast night.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
But last night so, but hold on where this is gonna
drop.
A week week after that, when Ispoke at living sober yeah, I
literally, uh, I don't know Iturned around and I looked and
I'd been talking for 45 minutesand I was like, fuck, I haven't
even begun to talk.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
Start I was just getting warmed up, she,
Priscilla, goes hey, 30, causeit's it's a birthday.

Speaker 3 (24:45):
It's a birthday speaker, you know it's about the
birthdays and she goes a halfhour.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
I said Larry, and he meant you know, she thought he
was joking.
I said baby, he ain't joking.

Speaker 3 (24:57):
He ain't joking.
He can literally talk tohimself for four hours straight.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
Every fiber of his being, to the core of his soul,
he's getting ready to go laydown some perfection up here.

Speaker 1 (25:08):
I love to speak, man, you know what Like.
I said I have a blast doing it.
I feel you know that's why wego into the jail.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
Don't muzzle an ox when he's treading out the grain
.
The Bible says.

Speaker 3 (25:20):
Yeah, you want to hear a funny one.
I went to go into the jail.
I go in the first Wednesdayevery month.
They wouldn't let me in jail.

Speaker 1 (25:27):
Well, it's because you don't know how to know when
your fucking pass expires, butit was still funny Like they
wouldn't let me in.
I went to go in.
They're not gonna let you inwithout a valid they didn't tell
me what my pass was expired,but still do you know when your
driver's license expires?
Yeah, it tells me on thebirthday yeah on my birthday.

Speaker 3 (25:47):
No no, I did I got that matter of fact when I when
I sent the email to the jail.
I'm like boy, my, my, uh, howtime flies when you're having
fun or something like that.

Speaker 1 (25:56):
I was just like sorry man.
Actually you reminded me tocheck mine because I mine came
up.

Speaker 3 (26:02):
I got my pass shortly after yours yeah, because when
they let us back in after covid,I was one of the first ones
back in, so I wasn't eventhinking about it.
I was honestly thinking it wasin february or march when we did
our, our annual stuff that wehave to do.

Speaker 2 (26:16):
That's the prius, yeah yeah, the Prius stuff, so
um there's a yet no one fightsthe judges Johnny's first, yet
trying to get back into jail.
Right Fighting to get back intojail.

Speaker 3 (26:26):
Yeah, no, yeah, it's just so weird.
You know, you go up there andyou give him your ID and you're
up.
He's like we can't let you in.
I'm like, well, why?
And he's like, wow, and I and Ileft my buddy that that went in
was going in with me that night.
He, you know, he goes.
I talked to him the next day,he goes.
You got really weird.
I'm like it was it was onlybecause, you know, before they
wouldn't let me out and now theywon't let me in.

Speaker 1 (26:50):
Hello, can I get in please?
Please, let me in.

Speaker 3 (26:52):
Like I just want to come in.
As long as you let me back outafter an hour, we're good.

Speaker 1 (26:57):
Yeah, that, uh, so back to the yet yeah, so I mean,
that was one of the things whenI went into rehab, right, when
I went into rehab and I satthere and I was listening to
these people talk about all thisshit that they did and I had
that was the hardest thing forme to to understand identify
that I was a you know?

(27:18):
because, like I said before, Iknew I was an alcoholic, but I
wasn't an alcoholic of theirtype, right, of their type.
I wasn't under a bridge, right,I wasn't under a bridge.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
I never stole from anybody.
I never got a.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
DUI.

Speaker 2 (27:30):
Right Never got a DUI All the time.

Speaker 1 (27:33):
Never got a DUI, I never got any of that shit right
, but I did lose.
I lost probably the most, butthose are all yes.
So every time you say that,just say yeah, right, yeah I
have yet, but I did lose.
Probably the one of the mostvaluable things to me, and that
was the respect of my wife, therespect of my kids and the
respect of my son-in-laws, andthat was the.
That was the nail breaker thatput me into rehab, is when, when
they wouldn't take my phonecalls anymore and would not talk

(27:56):
to me anymore.
That's, that was my, that wasmy.
No, this has got to change.
Don't.
Don't mind the fact that myliver is failing.

Speaker 2 (28:04):
I'm about ready to die, don't worry about that shit
, don't worry about that shit.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
I fuck it because I was wanting to die anyways, and
if I died that way it was goingto be okay, because my
depression was so fucking bad sofucking bad I didn't care if I
died, but god, don't take thedon't let me drink away the last
bit of respect that I think youhave for me, and that's fucked
up thinking.
That's some fucked up thing.
Alcoholic thinking right.

Speaker 3 (28:26):
See, that's why I didn't.
For the longest time I didn'tbelieve that I was an alcoholic,
because I had yet to get a dui,I had yet to ever get in any
trouble.
You know, when I was drinking Inever lost a job.
I, you know, I'm perfectly fine.
You know I did all that.
I mean I cut off an ear yeah,while I was drinking like the
bike ride of hell over thetracks you know I was such a

(28:46):
good drunk driver I guess Ididn't get pulled over that.
But I can't.
You know, I can't ride abicycle across the road tracks
hold on, and you did not needany painkillers.

Speaker 2 (28:55):
They did it with whatever alcohol you had your
body yeah, that's all we need,son.

Speaker 3 (28:58):
I wonder what the number was it was it had to be,
it had to be terrible way tokill most people.

Speaker 2 (29:04):
I'm sure you know, you it?

Speaker 3 (29:06):
had to be terrible, whatever.

Speaker 1 (29:07):
Whatever it was well, john you, when you were on here
last time, I got so enamored byheather being here that I
didn't really give you a chanceto speak I'm sorry, I talked for
an hour and 40 minutes that's abackhanded compliment, if I
ever heard it hey, call it whatyou want.
Heather I was.
I knew john, right, I knew john.

(29:27):
You guys know me.
I love stories.
I love hearing people's andthis may sound really I want to
preference this in two ways.
I love hearing the pain thatpeople went through to see where
they are at now, because we allhave a story right.
Some people are worse thanothers and nobody's is as bad as

(29:49):
what's in your own brain.
My right, my struggle that Icame out of was probably in me,
was brutal.

Speaker 2 (29:55):
It was my, it was.
Our stuff's always turned intosomeone else's because it's our
experience.

Speaker 1 (29:59):
It was my pain.
So I love hearing stories ofother people's pain because I
take something out of it and Ihope to God that I can use that
to help somebody else.

Speaker 2 (30:10):
But we can also empathize too, because we've
been there.

Speaker 1 (30:12):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (30:13):
And then when they hit something that hits them,
that's, they hit something thathits them just like when they
have that switch Right when theysee the light, when their
doctor's switching we go back toour own experience.

Speaker 1 (30:21):
Man, I can feel that Well, here I go talking about
Before we couldn't feel anythingTalking about Heather again,
I'm actually trying to get-.

Speaker 2 (30:26):
Well, go ahead.
She was so enamored, John.

Speaker 1 (30:33):
You're not right, john, but by God, if I said I
know, I know, I know and I don'tcare that she wears high heels,
it's fine with me.
She wears boots, not high heelsBoth, let's get it straight
Both.
So we cut you off on tellingyour stories.
We didn't.

Speaker 2 (30:46):
He did, I did.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
And I'll take the hit Quite literally.

Speaker 3 (30:52):
We're done.
John, stop Heatherather.
How you doing.
We turned around and hit thekey and we were just like over,
we're done, I'm like john, sorry, so he hits the button.

Speaker 2 (30:59):
He's gonna shut your mic off, stop heather how you
doing.

Speaker 1 (31:02):
Let's shut john's mic off, john.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
Stop it, john stop so I?

Speaker 1 (31:06):
that's the reason why a I love you.
I love you to death.
And two, I wanted to bring youback on because I know
everybody's story, just likemine.
I tell my story for a purpose,right, I tell it for a purpose,
so it helps.
I wanted to give you anopportunity to to come back in
and tell a little bit more ofyour story about I wanted that

(31:28):
second question answered.

Speaker 2 (31:29):
What you did, the resentment towards god.
You know because, yeah, and Ibecause I tell you what that is.
In the rooms of aa and peoplecome in because either jesus got
beat at, either got the jesusbeat out of them, or there's
always some kind of and Ibelieve wholeheartedly that
every biblical and theologicalheresy begins with a
misconception of the nature ofGod.
What is God?
What's he like?

(31:49):
Not what we're taught.
And now, now three of us have acertain experience, as John
calls it, which is perfect Arelationship with the lover of
our soul, the creator of ourbeing.
I have a relationship.
I don't.
It's, it's a knowingness.
Now, it's not a faith, it's nota belief, it's a knowingness.

Speaker 1 (32:07):
I know him and here's the thing that I grow.
I tell somebody you're notgoing to tell me what my
relationship with my god's goingto be like no you know, because
he's going to tell I've hadthat conversation a lot yeah,
there's no waygod don't like when you do that
bullshit.
Shut the fuck up.
How do you know what he doesn'tlike and like about me?
No, you don't know myrelationship.

(32:27):
No, but no, that's what I tellpeople.
Well, god don't like it whenyou say that stuff fuck you.
How do you know?

Speaker 2 (32:33):
I don't know how they know, how do you know?

Speaker 3 (32:34):
who's the one that said fuck was a bad word?

Speaker 2 (32:37):
I don't know, I don't know I don't either.

Speaker 1 (32:40):
Do you know what fuck stands for?
Society says that I have noidea.

Speaker 2 (32:42):
Society says it's not appropriate.
Yes, society.

Speaker 1 (32:45):
Fornication under consent of king.
That's what the original standsfor.

Speaker 2 (32:51):
Fornication Under consent of king.
Well, I've heard that there'salso for unlawful carnal
knowledge.
For unlawful carnal knowledge.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
Something like that Wait, what is shit?
I use it just because I don'thave a better word Shit.
Do you know those of?

Speaker 3 (33:03):
us that-.
What does shit stand for?

Speaker 2 (33:04):
They say science says Stack high in transit and shit.

Speaker 3 (33:10):
Science says that those of us that cuss a lot are
actually smarter than most.

Speaker 1 (33:15):
Well, I cuss.
I hope I can say that.

Speaker 2 (33:18):
And also John if you're debating with someone,
you're talking with someone.
They start raising their voice.
They're getting louder talkingwith somebody, they start
raising their voice.

Speaker 3 (33:24):
They're getting louder.
That's a sign of lowintelligence.

Speaker 2 (33:25):
It's very much.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
I'll tell you what if you're talking about debates?
As soon as you call me a name,and I don't care what it is,
you've lost.

Speaker 2 (33:31):
Oh yeah, you have absolutely lost.
And I don't care what that nameis whether it's a cocksucker or
a narcissist or whatever like,even if it's true, dirty or not
clean or not, it or not clean ornot, it doesn't matter.
If you weren't there when I didit, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Prove it 20 bucks is 20 bucks 1000%.

Speaker 2 (33:53):
Lips and lips and tongues are tongues, shut up.

Speaker 1 (33:57):
How's your sponsee doing?

Speaker 3 (33:59):
He asked me a question.

Speaker 1 (34:01):
Well, motherfucker go , god damn, you haven't shut up
long enough for me to go.
I ain't saying another word fortwo minutes.

Speaker 2 (34:07):
I know how you can push this shit out there two
minutes, I'm not saying anything, ready go so, anyway, when we
were talking earlier about mecoming back, we were.

Speaker 3 (34:16):
We were talking about , yes, right, because I told you
that's what I kind of wanted totalk about a little bit.
That's that feels that I feellike that's what God has has put
on my heart is about those.
Yeah, so if you're out thereand you're still, you know,
running amok, whether you'reyou're drinking or using, you're
you're dealing dope Like I wasdoing, you know, I knew a lot of

(34:38):
folks that were manufacturingor whatever, and you have yet to
get busted, whatever.
And you have yet to get busted,you have yet to get caught.
You might want to startthinking about trying to, trying
to to turn your life around,because even you know, even
after almost and I'm not tryingto take a front, but I'm coming
up on 22 years, you know, I'mjust a couple of months shy, you
know.
So I mean, it's more than way,more than 21 years of sobriety.

(35:01):
You know all of those, all butone of those charges I've been
able to.
You know there's two differentavenues to get to get rid of
those things.
You can either get themexpunged or you can get them
reduced from felonies tomisdemeanors.
Um, unless you have a class, afelony, but you need a pardon,
you do I do correct, absolutelycorrect, um, because you know,
thank you nancy reagan and herwar on drugs.

(35:22):
I say that I don't know if it'strue or not, but they linked.
You know drug dealing and itdoesn't matter if your buddy
gives you 20 bucks and has yougo to get the connection.
You know, go to the connectionshouse and you leave there and
you get caught.
That's still dealing right.
You're buying prescription medson the street from somebody

(35:43):
that that is still dealing dope.
You know if you're going toyour, to your sister-in-law's
house and you know she's givingyou prescriptions that aren't,
that aren't yours, that is stillconsidering dealing Right.
If and if the law wants to bindyou up, you can and you can't
get rid of that Like.
That doesn't go away and youlose all of your rights for life

(36:07):
unless you can get a pardonfrom your governor, of whatever
state you're in.
That's, that's the way the lawis written.
So you know, I've been tryingto do that for a long time.
You're eligible after 10 yearsfrom your release of custody and
one of those yet's is I've,like I mentioned last time, it's
been I've yet to go to prison,right, but, um, under the

(36:28):
current administration in thestate of California.
Everything was, everything wasuh, was basically dropped.
Everybody that had an openpardon case in the case in the
state of California was closedand you had to go and refile and
reopen.
And then everything wentthrough the parole board, the
California parole board.

(36:48):
You know I went through that ina month.
Well, the parole board probablylooked at my stuff and was like
you know, after I refiled andeverything was like this dude
ain't ever been on parole.
You know, he's got this onecharge left.
It was one time.
There's no violent crime.
There's no, any of that stuff.
I mean, I, I meet all therequirements and I've met all
the requirements for the longesttime, but have yet there's one

(37:09):
of those.
Yes, every time, you know, acouple of times a year, you know
there'll be a pressannouncement because I always
look and you just just dependingsometimes Thanksgiving,
depending on the year.
So I'm always looking at thattime and and, oh yep, there's a
press release and I go look andevery time I get down to you

(37:30):
know my last initial, you knowmy heart starts to race and you
know, skip right on by and I'mlike, and then I read them, I
start reading them, I startreading who got pardoned for
what, when they're because listswhat their crime was.

Speaker 2 (37:46):
Uh, when it happened, you know whatever.
Um, yeah, it doesn't look asgood to pardon.
You know one.
One last thing.
So you can, you'll get yourguns and go, you know, so you
don't have to just bow huntanymore well, it looks good with
a good party some no good.
I should you know someone withyou know more to me.

Speaker 3 (37:58):
I I believe that everybody deserves a second
chance absolutely hands handsdown.
You know, when I, when I veryfirst filed, you know that was
one of my biggest things, youknow, is I wanted to go back, be
able to go back to, you know,hunting and doing the stuff that
I grew up doing with my dad.
You know that was one of thoselast things.
You know, the day he died wewere going hunting that day, you

(38:20):
know.
You know so I wanted to be ableto teach my son to do those.
You know those kinds of thingsand that kind of stuff.
Where I'm at now it's, um, youknow, I've I've been denied jobs
.
Um, the state of California hasnow, you know, made it illegal
for you to ask those kinds ofquestions.
Um, you know your criminalhistory and whatever, but I, but

(38:42):
I was sitting in, um, I wassitting in a job interview and
they got to the last page andthey're like they literally at
this job.
They literally said to me whodo you know here?
And I said, well, why?
And they said because you wouldhave never made it through this
part made it through this far,the first vetting process.

(39:03):
Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't havemade it through the first
vetting process I can't rememberexactly how they worded it or
whatever to even get here.
So who do you know?
And I said, well, I know himand I know him, and this is a
round table interview, right, Isaid I know that guy and I know
that guy, and I know this guyand this guy and this guy.
And they're like, well, westill can't hire you.

(39:25):
You, because you're a felon,you know?
And and I'm just like, okay,fine, which is really funny,
because the next job that I gotI was going into that facility
when I was driving trucks.

Speaker 1 (39:29):
So I'm just like are you right?
Did you ever get your hazmat?

Speaker 3 (39:31):
no, you can't.
No, but I have my, but I, but Ihave my twit card what I do so
that doesn't make sense to me,so correct, so I so

Speaker 2 (39:39):
you have your what car?
It's transportation workers uhidentification credential.

Speaker 3 (39:42):
It's a card, it's a transportation worker's
identification credential.

Speaker 2 (39:45):
It's a federal clearance.

Speaker 3 (39:46):
It's a federal clearance.
It's the same thing as a TSAFastPass.
I can use my TWIC card as a TSAFastPass.
That's what I use.
I qualify for my hazmat license.

Speaker 1 (39:55):
Right, it's all his federal.
It's a federal clearance, it'sa federal clearance.

Speaker 3 (39:59):
So if I because I have my Class A license the next
time, because I wouldn't do itin the middle.
But the next time my driver'slicense comes up and I don't
know what that date is, I'd haveto look on the card.
I can add an endorsement to mylicense.
If I wanted to add my hazmat,All I got to do is go down and
get my fingerprints done.

Speaker 1 (40:17):
It's the same but the federal clearance is done.
That's what that tweak is.

Speaker 3 (40:20):
Yes, but they're separate.
Tweak is yes, but they'reseparate.
So no, I understand that.
Yeah, it's the same clearance.
Yeah, it is the same clearance,but you have to go through the
process twice, right, and theydon't even want you to make the
appointments the same over thereat tsa, like you got to go make
your hazmat appointment andthen come back again for your
for your tweak appointment.
But yeah, so I I meet all of therequirements that I can.

(40:42):
I can drive down the road witha load of gasoline.
That you know that, Larry givesme a job and I can haul
explosives, but I can't.
But that's right, I can't.

Speaker 1 (40:53):
He can drive a truck that he could drive through the
fucking capital and burn thewhole fucking place down.

Speaker 2 (40:58):
But God damn, don't give him a gun.

Speaker 3 (41:00):
Right, fucking stupid .
Yeah, yeah, I know those arejust things that I've never
understood about the process,right?
So you know back to the back tothat.
Yet you know I that that is yetto happen, do I do?
I hope that it happens someday,absolutely.
I mean, maybe somebody from youknow a news outlet who knows I

(41:27):
don't care, you know, it is whatit is.
I'm not all I really want tosay about that is I'm not that
person that I was anymore.
I am absolutely not who I waswhen, when I was out there
running amok doing those thingsyou know none of us are, though
I mean you.

Speaker 1 (41:42):
you had to make a change to get what we're at 22
years of sobriety, there's noway you could still be that same
no friends, okay, 21.95 you'reright.

Speaker 2 (41:53):
No friends, baby, no friends.
I'm not a dope dealer anymore.

Speaker 1 (41:56):
I don't do never even heard that before till last
night well, you saw last nightyeah, first time I ever seen no
friends, no friends so what's onthe sponsors?

Speaker 2 (42:04):
you know, you know giving their coin, but they
wouldn't give it to them.
You know, here, happy birthdayin two days when you actually
have one was one day.

Speaker 1 (42:12):
One was one day well, tomorrow, you can't have this
till tomorrow.
I'm like right, yeah, no frontsthat's absolutely no fronts.
Oh, that's been around for along time.
I you know what.
Honestly, three years in this,well, I can't say three years
now, it's 2.84 I got 5 000 I'mlike yeah, so 10 day shy is
every 22, no um, april.

(42:34):
So you know what's funny is ourgroup, we got, we got three
birthdays back to back to back.
It's all three months in a rowkevin, kevin, brad and then me.
Yeah, so kevin just had his br.
Brad and then me.
Yeah, so Kevin just had hisBrad, his next and then my big
three.
You know what's funny is I wastalking to we had Jason too.
Jason started seven.
Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 2 (42:54):
The other, jason got six the week before.

Speaker 1 (42:56):
Jason Allen.
No, Jason oh sorry.
Well, Jason Allen's been onhere.

Speaker 2 (43:00):
Yeah, Jason, so is the other Jason been on here?
Yeah, jason um, so is the otherjason, jason r.
Yeah, but I thought he just gotseven.
He just got six, jason allengot seven.
Okay, jason r got six.
So that's.

Speaker 1 (43:10):
I just had this conversation last night, um,
about that five year to ten year.
You don't see a lot of people inthis program, because life gets
right really good so I just hadthis conversation with, with
jim, the one of the guys thatspoke I keep saying last night,
but this was two weeks ago um,one of the guys that spoke
because he just celebrated his,his seventh and I asked him

(43:30):
about that and he goes.
No, the last two years havebeen really difficult.
He goes but I doubled down onmy.
He said I doubled down on mywhen I felt that.
He said I doubled down on my onmy uh, commitments.
He says I I just because youeverything just gets so good so
that's when you know.

Speaker 3 (43:47):
Um, in that area, right there is, when I did the
other thing, I reverted back andwas hardly going to meetings at
all and dry, drunken for a longtime and just why I don't, and
and I white knuckled it where Isaid last time but your first,
what like?

Speaker 2 (44:01):
my first three years I was everybody.
It was like six or six or seven, very, very, very, very
yourself.

Speaker 3 (44:08):
I buried myself.
I was basically working twofull-time jobs.
I was working full-time at workand then I was volunteering
volunteering full-time so thefoundation, we laid, like you
and I did then our earlycornerstone.

Speaker 2 (44:19):
Baby, you got the cornerstone I never, I never,
I've never gone out, I've nevergone anywhere.
I've always been.

Speaker 3 (44:25):
It doesn't stop the isms from coming back because
you know again.
We are granted a daily reprievedepending upon what wrong our
spiritual condition.
Uh, no wait, the maintenance ofour spirit.

Speaker 2 (44:35):
I don't like that word.
I like the gross shortly intomy recovery that I'd said
there's no way I could do this,no way I could do it like you
guys done it every night.
If I'd have done it that wayout of I would had, I would have
hated, which is fine.
All you need to do, and there's, there are.
There are, I think, 13 musts inthe book.
It was get a sponsor work stepsright, so let me put this.

Speaker 3 (44:58):
This is this is what I tell guys in the jail all the
time right I get to leavebitches.

Speaker 2 (45:02):
No, no, no.

Speaker 3 (45:03):
Well, I don't wear I actually okay I don't wear
somebody else's underwear if,yeah, I don't if, if, if you're
gonna say that there's, I say Itell them this the only
difference between me and you is, one, I'm not wearing somebody
else's underwear and two, I getto go home tonight, right,
hopefully, right, hopefully,right, but yeah, so because

(45:26):
other than that, I don't knowguys in jail.
You know they put all the dirtyboxers in one big washing
machine and you don't know who'scoming out, who's wearing those
.
Last week, right, but I try totell them all the time that if
you put half as much effort intoyour recovery, as you put into

(45:46):
your disease whateverjust half.
And if you stop and you thinkfor just a minute, I I know from
personal experience.
There was times and I neverreally did this with alcohol to
the extreme, but I definitelydid it with the dope, um it was.
I could remember that there wastimes where you were talking
about that anxiety of not havingit in the you know earlier

(46:08):
today, where that anxiety wouldspike so high that my hands
would clinch and all I couldthink of was how do I make this
feeling go away?
And I need to get high rightnow, or I need to have a drink
right now or I need for whateverthis.
I have to make this go away,right now and if you take half
of that just half of that andyou put that much effort into

(46:31):
your recovery.
So I had 20 years of drinkingand using so I knew that I had
to.
I was told early on that I hadto put that much effort into
there.
So if I was an everyday drinkerand user, I had to do something
that had to do with recoveryevery single day.

(46:52):
Right, I had to, because that'swhat I had to do at the time to
get where I am today I thinkthe reason why I bring it up.

Speaker 1 (46:57):
I had to do that absolutely, but that was your
personality, you had to do it.
Yes, yeah, I mean there, I wantto make darn sure we understand
, because I, you know one of thethings and we talked and I
thought about this after one ofour podcasts Rob, you have a
good thing, you say this, I knowyou and I know why you say it.
You know we.

(47:18):
You have to do it this way.
One of do it this way, you haveto do it this way, you have to
do it this way.
One of the things that I knowpeople have a hard thing about
aa is that you they don't.
Nobody likes to be told.
You have to do this.
Bill wilson didn't tell anybodyin this book.
This is how you have to do it.

Speaker 2 (47:35):
This is the way it's worked for people, right, this
is the way further on page 29 itsays further on a clear-cut
direction is how we haverecovered further on, and on
page 164 it says this book ismeant to be suggestive.

Speaker 3 (47:47):
Only right so.

Speaker 2 (47:48):
And then there's 13, but I you must do this or you
won't get this you must do yeah,well, it just says it says you
must or you won't get this right, right it doesn't say that
you're not going to get theprogram.

Speaker 3 (47:59):
It says if you want this, you must do this first and
and.

Speaker 1 (48:02):
I think and I just thought about that means because
in our podcast before, when wewere talking about triggers you,
we were saying you have to dothis, you have to do this and
you know, what.

Speaker 2 (48:12):
And I have to do it.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 (48:13):
And you're right.
Right, but I think for us andfor our listeners that are
listening to that listen, webelieve it's what we, you have
to do.
Right Because and the reasonwhy I say it that way is because
over a period of time it's beentested and it's been trued that
this is the right way.

(48:33):
You talk to anybody that jumpsin and out of AA.
It's because they didn't do itthe way we talk about doing it.
You listen to those guys thatspoke the other night, all those
other sponsors that weretalking about their sponsees.
They all said they jumped in,they did the work, they did this
, they did this, they did this.
Nobody in this program have Iever spoke to so far are

(48:57):
successful at this program thatdidn't follow this book.
What are you two fucking?
You two are going in'relistening in your books.
One of you is digging it.
You're probably going to thesame fucking page, but you guys
are digging into something.
Rob's brain is about ready toexplode over there he's trying
to find something no, I'm notfighting, I find anything.

Speaker 2 (49:19):
No, we said we just did it.
We must, or it kills us, rightuh?

Speaker 1 (49:23):
but.
But once again, I know yourpersonality and I know how you
speak, but what I want to makesure of is that people that
listen to this understand that,the reason why and I'm adamant
that way too- I'm very, verypassionate, and I'm that way too
right.
But listen, if this programworks, if you work it, if you

(49:44):
work it, if you don't work it,you're going to be drunk, right?
And the reason why I'm okaywith saying that is because in
the three years I've been inthis program almost three years
I've watched it happen multipletimes.
People with 20 years, with 20years, what are you two looking
for?

Speaker 2 (50:01):
We're listening to you.
I'm listening.

Speaker 1 (50:02):
Bullshit.
You two fuckers are digginginto that book trying to find
something that I said that youwant to bring back up.
No, oh I might.

Speaker 3 (50:09):
I was trying to find something that was going to
prove your point.

Speaker 2 (50:12):
Oh well, which one was what are we looking for?

Speaker 3 (50:16):
I'll tell you what's up.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
Rob give.
Rob and I was on a tirade acouple weeks back.
We were saying you have to, youhave to, you have to, you have
to, you have to.
If you want what we have, wereally suggest you need to do it
this way, you do what we'vedone.
If you don't want thishappiness.
And what do you Keep doing whatyou're doing.
Keep doing it the way you'redoing it right.

Speaker 2 (50:47):
You're just going to get what you're doing.
Keep doing it the way you'redoing it, right?
You're just going to get whatyou get to it.
This book is meant to besuggestive, right?
Is this like jumping out of anairplane?
We suggest you take a parachute, we suggest you pull the rip,
or?

Speaker 3 (50:52):
or fucking hit the ground something soft well then
another thing we don't live in afeather factory back to where
we were, you know, a littlewhile ago.
You know, if we go anothercouple more pages on to page 33,
love it, page 33.
We have seen the truthdemonstrated again and again in
in quotations.
Once an alcoholic, always analcoholic, commencing to drink

(51:15):
after a period of sobriety, weare, in short time, as bad as
ever.
If we are planning to stopdrinking, there must be no
reservation of any kind nor anyany lurking notion that someday
we will be immune to alcohol andthat brings up the last part of

(51:37):
what you know my story, which isI tell people I say this all
the time again can I drink today?
Absolutely, I could have adrink today and I would probably
be fine.
And in really, really shortorder I'm gonna have two, and in
short order it's going to be asix-pack, right, and then, in

(52:00):
super, super short order, I'mgonna start to, you know, feel a
little bloated because beer'snot going to do it for me and
I'm going to go back to Jack.
We love Jack, love Jack.
Jack has all.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
Jack was my first sponsor.

Speaker 3 (52:12):
Jack was my first sponsor.
He had all of my dirty secretsright back in the day, but
anyway.
So then it's not going to takelong that I'm going to be having
fun.

(52:33):
Because in the beginning it'salways really really fun and
you're having a good time, andthen, in really short order, I'm
going to get really reallydrunk and then I'm going to want
to party some more, because Iand death at that point, Because
I will stop at absolutelynothing if I put methamphetamine
in my body again.
I said this a hundred times too.
I know that I do not haveanother recovery in me, Hands

(52:59):
down.
I'm not that guy that's goingto walk into a meeting and say I
got one day.

Speaker 1 (53:05):
Right, after all of this time, I would never come
back.

Speaker 3 (53:10):
You guys would never see me again.
I would disappear off the faceof the earth.
I would go back to beinghomeless like I was in that last
year.
I promised my bosses, when theyhired me, I I told them my
whole story and because not onlyyou know we were talking about,
you know the TwitCard and allof that other stuff that where I

(53:32):
work we were regulated byHomeland Security right when I
work at.
So so I, yeah, so anyway, so.
So I promised my bosses a longtime ago if I ever took a drink
again that I would just walk inthe door and hand in my keys and
walk out.
I'm done, I can't do thisanymore I'm not going to do it
because I know where I'm goingto be.
I've been it been there short.

(53:53):
Yeah, in in a very, very, veryshort amount of time because I
have done it enough and movedenough and, you know, tried
enough and tried to controlenough and done all of that
stuff and, you know, got cleanbut never really sober so many
times before that I know what'sgoing to happen.
I know me because, me john,this guy right here I don't like

(54:15):
paying bills and I don't like,you know, having to get up and
go to work every day and I don'tlike having I I still don't
like authority, like we never do, no, and and um uh, I'm still
kind of a loner, I still like tobe by myself and I would get
loaded really quick and be doneand just done.

Speaker 1 (54:33):
scary thought process though I mean, but that's why
that's one of the biggestreasons why me sober.

Speaker 3 (54:38):
That's why I don't.
That's why I don't get sober.

Speaker 2 (54:40):
That's why and I why you don't get sober, that's why
and I think my, when I say thatkind of stuff to my wife, she
gets scared.
When I say that, no, no, well,yes, yes, words matter, it does,
but, and it scares my wife.
But what he just did wassomething we were not able to do
before we worked these steps.
We were not able to play thetape.
No, no, we were not able toplay the tape same thing.

Speaker 1 (55:04):
As soon as that is that they set that drink in
front of me at the dinner theother night, I instantly
recoiled as soon as I saw it.

Speaker 2 (55:10):
I was like like a hot flame, like yeah, I was.

Speaker 1 (55:11):
Like oh, you know I do that every once in a while
and then I'll grab it and I'llgo take a big old sniff.

Speaker 3 (55:17):
I'd laugh back down.

Speaker 1 (55:18):
I don't know if I, I don't, I, I well, it wouldn't
bother me, but God damn it.
I never even thought about thatuntil John just said it.

Speaker 2 (55:25):
The only thing I've sniffed was a can of Copenhagen.

Speaker 1 (55:27):
It's like damn, why'd I put?

Speaker 3 (55:28):
that shit in the house the last time I was.
I don't know, I've never donethat I don't know if I want to.
I opened the freezer at thehouse and there's a bottle.

Speaker 1 (55:36):
Did I just contradict myself?
I don't know.
I don't know that I've donethat.
I don't.

Speaker 2 (55:45):
I haven't.
I never even thought to do that, because I've never smelled.
I didn't have that thought, butI've never smelled it.
I don't know.
I couldn't tell you what JackDaniels smells like.
Why did I just say it, though Iwouldn't want to do?

Speaker 1 (56:01):
that I know a day old .
Don't fucking say trigger.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (56:06):
I don't want that contradiction being run out
there no, there ain't no suchthing as a goddamn trigger well,
there is, he's stuffed inmuseums.
No, I just so gene autry was asinging cowboy.
Roy rogers was the king ofcowboys, correct?

Speaker 3 (56:19):
I don't, yes no, so where was john wing?

Speaker 1 (56:22):
he's the he's the third and he was the duke, what
the fuck are we talking about?
Let's get the fuck out of here.
You missed my fucking question.
What was my sponsor?
I'm talking to my sponsor rightnow.

Speaker 2 (56:32):
You didn't have a sponsor.
It's a question.

Speaker 1 (56:33):
We're brothers now yes, what's the question?
What I just talked about, Isaid I would.
I don't think I'd ever want tosmell it.
Am I fucking saying that wouldbe a trigger?
No, you just don't want to.
No, you just don't want tosmell it.

Speaker 3 (56:42):
You just don't want to smell it.

Speaker 1 (56:43):
But yeah, but the thought that went through my
head when I said it was I don'tknow how I would react.

Speaker 3 (56:48):
So the biggest question is why did I want to
yeah?

Speaker 1 (56:52):
Well, I just thought about it.

Speaker 3 (56:53):
Dude, we are a walking contradiction.

Speaker 2 (56:54):
We are alcoholics who do not drink, have not drank
for almost 22 years, coming upon three years.
We are alcoholics that do not.

Speaker 1 (57:01):
We are walking contradictions now you make me
want to go smell let's go smellit.

Speaker 2 (57:06):
Oh, crack that bottle .
You know it's downstairs.
I want to smell it.

Speaker 1 (57:08):
I don't want to hey put my finger.

Speaker 3 (57:10):
I don't want to I guess that's what I don't want
to.
Let's go smell it.

Speaker 2 (57:14):
No, I want to smell it now.
I want to smell it.
I'm gonna go smell it let's go.

Speaker 1 (57:18):
Well, hold on.

Speaker 3 (57:18):
Let me pull down my pants first no wow let's get
hold on one second one secondone second um, I ended every a
meeting that I used to do at theoriginal fellowship with this
for for years and years andyears.
And I and I want to do itreally quick because, well,
first off, we're not affiliatedwith a in any way, but we do
read its book.
So on page 164, it says ourbook is meant to be suggestive.

(57:42):
Only, we realize we know only alittle.
God will constantly disclosemore to you and to us.
Ask him in your morningmeditation, which, 164, it says,
will come to pass for you andcountless others.
This is the great fact for us.

(58:03):
Abandon yourself to God, as youunderstand God.
Admit your faults to him and toyour fellows, clear away the
wreckage of your past, givefreely of what you find and join
us.
We shall be with you in thefellowship of the Spirit and you
will surely meet some of us asyou trudge the road of happy
destiny.
Trudge, trudge the road ofhappy destiny.
May God bless you and keep youuntil then.

(58:25):
Thanks for having me on,gentlemen, thank you.

Speaker 1 (58:28):
Thank you for joining us today.
We hope you learned somethingtoday that will help you If you
did not come back next week, andwe'll try again If you like
what we heard.

Speaker 2 (58:35):
Give us a five-star review.
If you don't like like what youheard, go ahead and tell us
that too.
We'll see what we can improve.
We probably won't changenothing, but do it anyway.

Speaker 1 (58:44):
Thanks, rob.
Come back next week andhopefully something will be
different and something willsink in.
Take care, this has beenRecovery, unfiltered.

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