February 12, 2025 • 31 mins
In this episode, we talk about one of the biggest contributors to living a happy life which is living authentically. We dive into the topic to cover the following:
- How do you know if you're living an authentic life? (Yep, there’s a quiz—don’t worry, it's fun!)
- Who are a few public figures we can learn from who seem to be living authentically?
- What the heck is the Approval Trap, and are you stuck in it?
- What Authenticity really means—spoiler alert: it’s not about quitting your job to travel the world for the next decade. There are some gives and gets to living authentically.
Reflective question for you: Where in your life are you seeking approval more than being true to yourself?
Call to action: What’s one small step you can take this week to live more authentically? Maybe it’s speaking up, setting a boundary, or wearing that funky hat you love.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to ReFirement Life, the podcast for anyone navigating life transitions or planning
(00:06):
to make life transitions to ensure your next years are your best years.
Listen in for insightful, generous, and sometimes humorous conversation.
It's time to get fired up with Christine Zamuda and Muge Wood, your hosts for this
latest episode of ReFirement Life.
(00:28):
Hello, hello.
Welcome to episode 61.
Today we're going to talk about living authentically in a world of approval traps.
So welcome back to the ReFirement Show.
We're going to drive into this topic that is going to be a lot of fun to explore and
(00:50):
think that it hits home for just about everyone.
Before we get started, just would love our dear listeners, just take a moment, grab
your cell phone, search for the ReFirement Life podcast, which maybe you found today,
and hit subscribe.
We'd love to stay connected to you on all the new things we have coming.
(01:10):
So the topic we're about to unpack is as follows.
How do you know if you're living an authentic life?
There's a little quiz that we'll do.
It's fun, so have a piece of paper and pencil handy.
What the heck is an approval trap and are you stuck in it?
(01:31):
And what authenticity really means?
We're going to dive more into that and reflect and maybe share some examples of people we
believe are living an authentic life, touch upon different sort of contextual scenarios
to make us really think about how we're showing up.
(01:53):
And we're going to dive in.
So, you know, Muge, what are you thinking about this topic before we go into the first
segment?
So, Christine, I think it's a deep topic and, you know, I read our outline, I reflected
on it some.
What I think is it is not black and white and it's probably the range and it may evolve
(02:19):
based on our life experiences, even our age.
Our perspective can mature on this topic.
Obviously, it makes a lot of sense.
The more in line we are with our beliefs, values, the happier we can be.
When we put that in the context of the social construct that we operate in, whether it's
(02:41):
our community jobs, family relationships, how to make that happen, could be interesting
to dive deep into which we are going to do today.
So, I love it.
I think it's a timeless topic, but I think it's also harder than it sounds.
Totally, totally.
Yeah, and I think for people who believe, you know, they show up consistently all the
(03:05):
time.
If you're really honest with yourself, if you think about different scenarios where
you might be more comfortable and be more authentic and then there's a new situation,
right?
Things can change.
So, let's get into it.
One of the things that I thought about in terms of living an authentic life and then
(03:29):
also sort of, you know, the place where many of our listeners are in their, you know, third
chapter midlife, you have this concept of a midlife crisis and, you know, people saying,
well, you know, now I get to live my authentic life.
Now I, you know, I'm driving a sports car and now I'm doing this.
Now I'm doing things that I've always wanted to do.
(03:51):
And the reality is that, you know, only 10% of people actually have midlife crisis, which
I guess is a good thing.
And when we talk about living authentically, you don't have to get to that midlife crisis
point and that's what we're going to dig into today.
(04:12):
When people live more authentically, the Journal of Counseling Psychology reports that they
have higher self-esteem, more life satisfaction, less anxiety and depression.
So that all, you know, definitely makes sense.
If we talk and think about ways where we may get caught up with others, with the way others
(04:39):
think, we, you know, and this is driven by all kinds of pressure, right?
It's social media, it's, it may be family influence, it may be, you know, friends, maybe work,
all of that.
There are some people that, you know, I think public figures that live a little bit more
(05:02):
authentically where we can get inspiration from.
So I pulled a few of these, just food for thought and we can think about others.
But, you know, Maya Angelou is someone who was very brave and courageous in her writing
style and the things that she tackled from an author perspective.
(05:25):
And one of her quotes is, if you're always trying to be normal, you will never know how
amazing you can be.
And I think that's something that, you know, if you're, you're kind of like bringing yourself
down to the average of what everyone is, you're not your authentic self, you're kind of losing
your special sauce.
(05:46):
Others here, Brinay Brown, you know, did a lot of work and really, I think, sort of kicked
down the door on vulnerability and being more authentic and talking publicly about shame,
which is, wow, like that's a big topic that not a lot of people are going to gravitate
(06:06):
and say, I'll talk about that.
I'll talk about my own.
But she kind of like led the pioneering, you know, sort of pioneered that kind of approach
to being very open and being very authentic.
And then someone who came to my mind was Diane Keaton.
And I look at her as someone who is a very accomplished actress, of course, but has aged
(06:32):
gracefully, has always had her own fashion style.
And if you look at her in the 60s, she's pretty much dressing the same as she is in the 70s,
the 80s, the 90s.
And I just think that that's just an amazing example of confidence in a really high pressure,
(06:53):
high pressure visibility world of fashion and trends and all of that.
So I have a lot of appreciation for her.
And then the last one that came to mind is just Snoop Dogg.
I mean, Snoop Dogg has been his self, you know, back in the 80s, the 90s, his personality
hasn't changed very much.
(07:16):
He's super smart about the business he's doing.
But I think that kind of authenticity attracts good fortune, attracts success if you do that.
Is there anyone, Muge, that comes to mind when you think of authenticity?
Yeah, absolutely.
Such great examples.
I think that makes us think deeply.
(07:37):
As you are giving the examples, Christine, what made me think the cost of not being
authentic is not being able to realize your full potential, not honoring your skills,
your gifts completely.
And we all want to realize our full potential as much as possible.
So there's a big dimension to it.
For me, I think many of us think about that as Steve Jobs.
(08:02):
And I think his famous statement, be yourself, everyone else is taken.
And I just really love that.
And it is so true.
Each of us is unique and being able to live that practice that is just a big gift to ourselves
and I think to the world.
So that statement really rings true for me in terms of relating to the topic.
(08:28):
Totally, totally.
Yeah, I agree.
I agree with that one.
So we've got a little authenticity self assessment quiz.
And it's just eight questions and you're supposed to rate these on a scale of one to five, one
being strongly disagree and five being strongly agree.
(08:50):
And I guess you can rate them anywhere in the middle if you're really going to be honest.
So we're going to dive into this and let's take the quiz and let's see how we do.
I have not taken this quiz, so I have no idea what the results will be.
The first statement is I express my true thoughts and feelings even when it's uncomfortable.
(09:11):
Scale of one to five.
The next one is I make decisions based on my values, not just what others expect.
I feel at ease being myself in most situations.
The next statement is I don't feel the need to impress others to feel worthy.
(09:37):
I'm okay with people disliking me if it means I'm staying true to myself.
My work and relationships reflect who I truly am.
I speak up when someone doesn't align with my beliefs and I don't compare myself excessively
(10:00):
to others excessively.
So yeah, so then I think we add them up real quickly and see how we did.
I'll read the scores.
Math is hard.
It is hard.
Luckily they are single digit.
Exactly.
(10:21):
Exactly.
Okay, I added mine.
Okay.
I think I have to double check my because I think I added wrong.
I did that with 16.
Okay, yeah, I actually did that.
(10:45):
I did that wrong because I was like, wow, that's almost perfect.
That's not right.
Okay.
All right.
So scoring 35 to 40, you're living your truth like a pro.
Scoring 25 to 34, some authenticity with room to grow.
15 to 24, struggles with external validation.
But hey, awareness is the first step.
(11:07):
And below 15, this is a starting point for self discovery.
And that's exciting.
I really like how they're very positive with those ratings.
So if I was honest, I got a 34.
So I was at the top of the second one.
Yeah, so I think that's probably accurate.
(11:28):
And if you're thinking of different ways where you might not be your authentic self, I always
think about, well, the first time I meet someone, are you truly your authentic self?
You're 100% authentic self?
Probably not because there's a lot of layers.
(11:48):
There's a lot of layers there.
Let's just say that.
Yeah, that's right.
So I got 31.
Okay.
So some authenticity with room to grow, which I think is accurate.
And especially in the areas, I think is an example of friendships.
So I have some great friends who think differently from me politically.
(12:12):
So and they go on and on about their views politically.
And I just don't say much because I just think it's not going to be helpful from a friendship
perspective.
But they go on and on about their political views that don't align with mine.
So situations like that.
And then I still find myself making decisions sometimes based on others' expectations.
(12:39):
So that's still, I have an element of that.
But overall, some room to grow.
I am glad that some areas I am more authentic than I was in the past.
So that's good.
Especially in the area of saying no when I can is being very liberating.
Yeah.
I mean, time is the only thing we can't get back, right?
(13:02):
And we were chatting briefly before we started that it is getting easier to be more authentic
as we get older, as we have more experience, as we really anchor in on what's important
in life.
So yeah.
So that was interesting.
Hopefully you all as listeners learn something about yourself.
(13:23):
And if we went too fast, you can certainly like rewind the podcast and take the quiz
again.
So let's talk about the approval trap and thinking about when are you in an approval
trap.
These are a couple of signs to think about.
Overthinking every little thing.
(13:45):
Saying yes when you really mean no.
If you have a fear of judgment that's holding you back from doing something that you think
you really should be doing.
Being exhausted after trying to fit in and there's certainly a cost that comes with living
for approval.
(14:05):
So you may feel anxiety, you may feel burnout, you may actually feel friction, right?
Like I'm not really showing up in the way I want to show up.
Just opportunities because you didn't say what was really on your mind and I guess the
(14:27):
net of all of this is even when you get approval in these situations, it doesn't feel fulfilling
because it's not your authentic self.
Any kind of reflections on that, Muge?
Yeah, these are some really good ones.
And the other thing that occurred to me, Christine, is the effect of social media.
(14:52):
Are we driven by the likes we get on Instagram, on Facebook, on these posts?
And what does it do in terms of our behavior to get more likes on social media?
So I think that's another dimension that probably wasn't there so much before.
(15:13):
I listened to this podcast by author Chris Hayes who recently released a book called
Siren's Call.
And it's talking about the attention deficit that we typically have these days, brought
on by this deluge of information we get from all channels.
And while we all seek a certain level of attention to survive, attention from family
(15:37):
relationships, the other spectrum of it can be too much.
You are just inundated by it.
And I think just building a perspective that puts it in check becomes really important.
And his main point was you have to take breaks, like put away your phone, sign off social
media, just really get centered around who you are, what you want to do, and make some
(16:03):
real connections.
So all of that to say that approval trap can be really amplified based on our relationship
with social media.
Totally, totally.
Yeah, I connect with that in a big way.
I've personally been trying to just read more books and not just read a chapter.
(16:24):
I used to read like half a book in a sitting.
And now I'm finding like it's much more difficult.
I think our brains have been attuned to just these quick hits, quick hits, quick hits,
and it's frightening.
So that's something that I'm definitely doing more of in 2025.
(16:46):
So if we get back to what authenticity really means, it's not about being radically honest,
24-7, right?
I mean, there are, you could be your authentic self and really hurt someone's feelings.
So we have to be careful about that.
It is about aligning with your core values, and it is something that evolves over time.
(17:13):
It's not just you show up one day and you're authentic.
It's definitely a journey, and it's learning, and it's staying in tune with who you really
are, the core of who you are.
Yep, that's right.
That made me smile a bit, especially the radical honesty part.
(17:35):
I think it is easy to think that saying everything on your mind being authentic, and that is
luckily not the case.
But I will say my mom really practiced this like radical honesty, and it was funny at
times how it turned out.
So she, let's say a neighbor is visiting her and she would go, you know, you seem to have
(17:58):
gained a lot of weight recently, what's going on with you?
Oh no.
So that didn't go well.
And then, and then we're like, mom, maybe you shouldn't like bring it out like that.
And she would go, well, is it not true?
I mean, I'm just trying to be helpful, that person.
She's very literal.
Yes, she should lose some weight.
And the next thing we know that neighbor is not coming by very often, and my mom is like,
(18:23):
what happened?
And I'm like, well, you're telling her, she's getting fat and she doesn't want to hear that.
So I think not all truths need to be heard all the time is a good mantra to live by.
But again, I think there's a balance, right?
(18:44):
There's a balance.
How not speaking the truth may infringe upon our beliefs and values and compromise how we
live versus it's a truth like doesn't have to be told all the time.
And keeping it in check is probably a good, you know, ruler, ruler.
Totally, totally.
(19:05):
Yeah.
So to break free of, you know, sort of these approval traps, there's a couple of recommendations.
First, you know, we talked about self-awareness, really understanding who you are at your core,
writing these down and reflecting on some of your thoughts about what truly matters to
(19:28):
you is helpful.
And I think it's also helpful to go back in time and see who you were at different points
in your life and how you've kind of evolved your thinking.
Also this idea of having courage, you know, making choices that feel right, even when
(19:49):
they're unpopular.
And you know, we always get, I think, inspiration from stories of people, whether you're doing
something heroic when no one else would or helping someone when no one else seemed to
notice someone needed help.
Like those are all opportunities for us to live more authentically and do the right thing.
(20:16):
And then another point here is, you know, having boundaries, saying no without guilt.
I think it's easy to say no, but sometimes you're like, gosh, I feel like I should go.
I feel like they want me to go.
I don't want to go, but I'm going to say yes.
No, you should just say no, release yourself from that tax because you'll be happier doing
(20:43):
something that you, you know, are more aligned to doing.
And you know, honestly, I wouldn't want anyone at my table who didn't want to be there and
had something more pressing, right?
Like you really want people who are going to be there engaged, you know, feeling like
they're in their right place for whatever reason, you know, there's always competing
(21:05):
priorities in life.
Another tip is, you know, being vulnerable, sharing your truth, even when, even if your
voice shakes, oh, that's kind of a, a interesting comment there.
And then lastly is community.
Find the people who love you for you and not your highlight reel.
(21:28):
Yeah, that's right.
And I think our real us also can come during times of stress, times of a big challenge,
which are not at times fun, but also being able to get through those times and grow out
(21:50):
of them with the friends, family, relationships, community, what you do.
I think it is creates a real growth spurt.
So, and, you know, simple things make a big difference.
I think a lot of times people are like, okay, you know, what are your career plans?
What, you know, what do you want to do when you retire?
Right?
(22:10):
We get these questions or we ask this of others.
And I think at the root of all of this is knowing yourself is a big thing.
And knowing yourself and really coming to terms with that is not an easy thing.
So but when we are centered with that, I think the rest of it is a bit easier.
Also the notion of never don't ever do what you don't want to do.
(22:36):
I don't think it's going to really work 100% of the time either.
And it may, but then it may have a high cost of ABC.
So I think I think there's there's a bit of a balance and some things are easier than
others.
Another example I'll give is I have a very good friend.
She supports this cause for the homeless and she asked for donations all the time to this
(22:59):
cause.
So, you know, we give in our friend circle, but she keeps asking and asking and asking.
And in the end we have to say no, because we are already given, we are supporting other
causes we can't just give every time she asked.
So even with that feel a twinge of guilt for saying no.
(23:20):
And then we rationalize and say, we just can't do it every time.
So, so even even things like that sometimes you need to maybe think more how it makes
sense at least to you to say no and be okay with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(23:40):
And what's what's really important is going to matter five years from now.
One of my things that I've been pretty authentic about is I hate baby showers.
So I don't attend them.
I don't.
I just, I send a gift.
I send it like nice note and I'm very happy for the mother, but I hate a baby shower.
I hate the dumb games.
(24:02):
I hate sitting there all day.
I hate, I hate watching every single present being opened.
It's just not my thing.
You know, it's not my thing.
Christine, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna invite you to my baby shower.
I just think that we should all just make a rule like here's the registry, buy it, use
(24:23):
your time another way.
But anyway, so I, I've, I don't attend them.
I don't, I know I will probably attend them for my God children.
Like I'll have to be there and you know, but as a rule, I just send a very nice gift and
a very nice note and wish, wish folks well.
And five years from now, is anybody gonna remember I wasn't at their baby shower?
(24:48):
No, no one cares.
Well, that's the thing.
I think sometimes I, I find myself doing it just this week.
I think how we feel about what has happened, we can amplify it in our heads and it becomes
something what others think or what others said becomes bigger than it already is.
I was on this call and I felt that the individual presenting was taking jabs at my work, at
(25:15):
my team and being a little passive aggressive about it.
And I'm like, I don't like the tone of this.
So hit a conversation with the individual after the call and I was talking to my manager.
I said, I didn't feel like that was, that had the most constructive tone.
And she's like, I didn't sense that.
(25:35):
And she's like, honestly, I actually forgot about what was said.
Can you remind me?
So, so in the meantime, I'm just thinking about this and kind of upset.
And in the meantime, people have already moved on.
So I think to your point, five years from now, sometimes not even five seconds, people
(25:57):
just move on because there's so much going on in everyone's heads and lives and they
are not really thinking about you necessarily all the time, which is great.
And it was great that you had a conversation with that person offline because maybe you
learned something about their perspective.
Maybe they learned something about how they could present in a different way.
(26:20):
So yeah, that's why you're such a professional.
Yeah, right.
You're amazing.
You're amazing.
Right.
My husband says I stressed him out with my corporate life.
So the other thing I try to put this in practice is my athletic endeavors.
So, so, you know, go to a Zumba class, you know, go to tennis drill, the things that
(26:42):
I do.
And I'm like, some of this will not go well.
I know that like it's not going to be perfection.
I will face left when others are facing right.
The ball will just take a weird trajectory and even crossing to the other court.
But you know what, people are really worried about themselves.
Like no one is really standing there watching you.
(27:05):
So, so that's a nice reminder.
Yeah.
Do your thing.
Do your thing.
Do your thing.
Just do it.
Just do it.
Right.
Just do it.
Yeah.
So I guess to wrap it up, hopefully what we're leaving our listeners with is, you know,
authenticity is more about alignment.
(27:25):
It's not perfection.
You know, I think just being in tune with how you feel and your core values will help
guide you to be more authentic.
We did touch upon the fact that this requires courage, but can certainly be very freeing
when you are living your authentic self.
(27:48):
And if we want to just, you know, also, you know, leave listeners with the thought of,
you know, what's one small step that you can take to live more authentically.
Maybe it's speaking up when you feel like you should and choose those scenarios wisely,
(28:10):
setting a new boundary or just wearing something that makes you feel good.
Yeah.
That's exactly right.
I think just asking the question, right, does this bring me joy?
And making that our compass.
And I think I mentioned in a prior podcast how, you know, our kids are also role models
(28:33):
because they have a perspective both generational and age and everything else.
And I just really love how our younger son immediately categorizes something fun on fun.
So if it is, if it is on fun, do I have to do it?
Sometimes you do.
Right.
Maybe it is going to your medical checkup.
(28:53):
I mean, it is a kind of on fun, but it is super important and helpful.
But if you have a choice with the fun and the unfun, do the fun part.
And I think it creates a nice balance too to sort of make up a bit for the unfun parts.
We may have to end up doing because we still have expectations.
(29:18):
We still may want to conform at some point.
It could be a family outing, whatever it is.
So, so just make sure there is fun and joy.
Totally, totally.
Yeah.
And the last quote to leave you with is something from Bernay Brown.
She says, authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed
(29:40):
to be and embracing who we are.
I think practice is very important, the practice part.
You know, just we are constantly practicing.
I think it is hard to think we have arrived and now we are 100% pure ourselves.
I think, I think it's a practice.
(30:00):
And it's good probably to think of a lot of things as practice.
Oh, yeah.
And we're doing new roles all the time.
Right.
And you transition into something new and different.
It's going to be practice because you might be, you know, just trying something on and
learning in real time.
Right.
(30:21):
That's exactly right.
Constantly growing and that growth never stops, which is, which is amazing.
It is not about going to college and graduating from college and I learned my craft.
It's just ongoing.
And I think it helps with our self discovery as well.
(30:42):
Yep.
Life is the best teacher.
It is the best teacher.
This is the best teacher.
It's fun.
It's beautiful.
It's the best teacher.
So awesome.
Thank you, Christine.
A great session that made me think a lot.
Yeah.
Always, always great to spend time with you.
So with that listeners, we're going to sign off until next time.
(31:07):
Thank you for listening.
Thank you.
And I'll see you in the next one.
Bye.
(31:40):
Until next time.
Welcome to ReFirement Life, the podcast for anyone navigating life transitions or planning
(00:06):
to make life transitions to ensure your next years are your best years.
Listen in for insightful, generous, and sometimes humorous conversation.
It's time to get fired up with Christine Zamuda and Muge Wood, your hosts for this
latest episode of ReFirement Life.
(00:28):
Hello, hello.
Welcome to episode 61.
Today we're going to talk about living authentically in a world of approval traps.
So welcome back to the ReFirement Show.
We're going to drive into this topic that is going to be a lot of fun to explore and
(00:50):
think that it hits home for just about everyone.
Before we get started, just would love our dear listeners, just take a moment, grab
your cell phone, search for the ReFirement Life podcast, which maybe you found today,
and hit subscribe.
We'd love to stay connected to you on all the new things we have coming.
(01:10):
So the topic we're about to unpack is as follows.
How do you know if you're living an authentic life?
There's a little quiz that we'll do.
It's fun, so have a piece of paper and pencil handy.
What the heck is an approval trap and are you stuck in it?
(01:31):
And what authenticity really means?
We're going to dive more into that and reflect and maybe share some examples of people we
believe are living an authentic life, touch upon different sort of contextual scenarios
to make us really think about how we're showing up.
(01:53):
And we're going to dive in.
So, you know, Muge, what are you thinking about this topic before we go into the first
segment?
So, Christine, I think it's a deep topic and, you know, I read our outline, I reflected
on it some.
What I think is it is not black and white and it's probably the range and it may evolve
(02:19):
based on our life experiences, even our age.
Our perspective can mature on this topic.
Obviously, it makes a lot of sense.
The more in line we are with our beliefs, values, the happier we can be.
When we put that in the context of the social construct that we operate in, whether it's
(02:41):
our community jobs, family relationships, how to make that happen, could be interesting
to dive deep into which we are going to do today.
So, I love it.
I think it's a timeless topic, but I think it's also harder than it sounds.
Totally, totally.
Yeah, and I think for people who believe, you know, they show up consistently all the
(03:05):
time.
If you're really honest with yourself, if you think about different scenarios where
you might be more comfortable and be more authentic and then there's a new situation,
right?
Things can change.
So, let's get into it.
One of the things that I thought about in terms of living an authentic life and then
(03:29):
also sort of, you know, the place where many of our listeners are in their, you know, third
chapter midlife, you have this concept of a midlife crisis and, you know, people saying,
well, you know, now I get to live my authentic life.
Now I, you know, I'm driving a sports car and now I'm doing this.
Now I'm doing things that I've always wanted to do.
(03:51):
And the reality is that, you know, only 10% of people actually have midlife crisis, which
I guess is a good thing.
And when we talk about living authentically, you don't have to get to that midlife crisis
point and that's what we're going to dig into today.
(04:12):
When people live more authentically, the Journal of Counseling Psychology reports that they
have higher self-esteem, more life satisfaction, less anxiety and depression.
So that all, you know, definitely makes sense.
If we talk and think about ways where we may get caught up with others, with the way others
(04:39):
think, we, you know, and this is driven by all kinds of pressure, right?
It's social media, it's, it may be family influence, it may be, you know, friends, maybe work,
all of that.
There are some people that, you know, I think public figures that live a little bit more
(05:02):
authentically where we can get inspiration from.
So I pulled a few of these, just food for thought and we can think about others.
But, you know, Maya Angelou is someone who was very brave and courageous in her writing
style and the things that she tackled from an author perspective.
(05:25):
And one of her quotes is, if you're always trying to be normal, you will never know how
amazing you can be.
And I think that's something that, you know, if you're, you're kind of like bringing yourself
down to the average of what everyone is, you're not your authentic self, you're kind of losing
your special sauce.
(05:46):
Others here, Brinay Brown, you know, did a lot of work and really, I think, sort of kicked
down the door on vulnerability and being more authentic and talking publicly about shame,
which is, wow, like that's a big topic that not a lot of people are going to gravitate
(06:06):
and say, I'll talk about that.
I'll talk about my own.
But she kind of like led the pioneering, you know, sort of pioneered that kind of approach
to being very open and being very authentic.
And then someone who came to my mind was Diane Keaton.
And I look at her as someone who is a very accomplished actress, of course, but has aged
(06:32):
gracefully, has always had her own fashion style.
And if you look at her in the 60s, she's pretty much dressing the same as she is in the 70s,
the 80s, the 90s.
And I just think that that's just an amazing example of confidence in a really high pressure,
(06:53):
high pressure visibility world of fashion and trends and all of that.
So I have a lot of appreciation for her.
And then the last one that came to mind is just Snoop Dogg.
I mean, Snoop Dogg has been his self, you know, back in the 80s, the 90s, his personality
hasn't changed very much.
(07:16):
He's super smart about the business he's doing.
But I think that kind of authenticity attracts good fortune, attracts success if you do that.
Is there anyone, Muge, that comes to mind when you think of authenticity?
Yeah, absolutely.
Such great examples.
I think that makes us think deeply.
(07:37):
As you are giving the examples, Christine, what made me think the cost of not being
authentic is not being able to realize your full potential, not honoring your skills,
your gifts completely.
And we all want to realize our full potential as much as possible.
So there's a big dimension to it.
For me, I think many of us think about that as Steve Jobs.
(08:02):
And I think his famous statement, be yourself, everyone else is taken.
And I just really love that.
And it is so true.
Each of us is unique and being able to live that practice that is just a big gift to ourselves
and I think to the world.
So that statement really rings true for me in terms of relating to the topic.
(08:28):
Totally, totally.
Yeah, I agree.
I agree with that one.
So we've got a little authenticity self assessment quiz.
And it's just eight questions and you're supposed to rate these on a scale of one to five, one
being strongly disagree and five being strongly agree.
(08:50):
And I guess you can rate them anywhere in the middle if you're really going to be honest.
So we're going to dive into this and let's take the quiz and let's see how we do.
I have not taken this quiz, so I have no idea what the results will be.
The first statement is I express my true thoughts and feelings even when it's uncomfortable.
(09:11):
Scale of one to five.
The next one is I make decisions based on my values, not just what others expect.
I feel at ease being myself in most situations.
The next statement is I don't feel the need to impress others to feel worthy.
(09:37):
I'm okay with people disliking me if it means I'm staying true to myself.
My work and relationships reflect who I truly am.
I speak up when someone doesn't align with my beliefs and I don't compare myself excessively
(10:00):
to others excessively.
So yeah, so then I think we add them up real quickly and see how we did.
I'll read the scores.
Math is hard.
It is hard.
Luckily they are single digit.
Exactly.
(10:21):
Exactly.
Okay, I added mine.
Okay.
I think I have to double check my because I think I added wrong.
I did that with 16.
Okay, yeah, I actually did that.
(10:45):
I did that wrong because I was like, wow, that's almost perfect.
That's not right.
Okay.
All right.
So scoring 35 to 40, you're living your truth like a pro.
Scoring 25 to 34, some authenticity with room to grow.
15 to 24, struggles with external validation.
But hey, awareness is the first step.
(11:07):
And below 15, this is a starting point for self discovery.
And that's exciting.
I really like how they're very positive with those ratings.
So if I was honest, I got a 34.
So I was at the top of the second one.
Yeah, so I think that's probably accurate.
(11:28):
And if you're thinking of different ways where you might not be your authentic self, I always
think about, well, the first time I meet someone, are you truly your authentic self?
You're 100% authentic self?
Probably not because there's a lot of layers.
(11:48):
There's a lot of layers there.
Let's just say that.
Yeah, that's right.
So I got 31.
Okay.
So some authenticity with room to grow, which I think is accurate.
And especially in the areas, I think is an example of friendships.
So I have some great friends who think differently from me politically.
(12:12):
So and they go on and on about their views politically.
And I just don't say much because I just think it's not going to be helpful from a friendship
perspective.
But they go on and on about their political views that don't align with mine.
So situations like that.
And then I still find myself making decisions sometimes based on others' expectations.
(12:39):
So that's still, I have an element of that.
But overall, some room to grow.
I am glad that some areas I am more authentic than I was in the past.
So that's good.
Especially in the area of saying no when I can is being very liberating.
Yeah.
I mean, time is the only thing we can't get back, right?
(13:02):
And we were chatting briefly before we started that it is getting easier to be more authentic
as we get older, as we have more experience, as we really anchor in on what's important
in life.
So yeah.
So that was interesting.
Hopefully you all as listeners learn something about yourself.
(13:23):
And if we went too fast, you can certainly like rewind the podcast and take the quiz
again.
So let's talk about the approval trap and thinking about when are you in an approval
trap.
These are a couple of signs to think about.
Overthinking every little thing.
(13:45):
Saying yes when you really mean no.
If you have a fear of judgment that's holding you back from doing something that you think
you really should be doing.
Being exhausted after trying to fit in and there's certainly a cost that comes with living
for approval.
(14:05):
So you may feel anxiety, you may feel burnout, you may actually feel friction, right?
Like I'm not really showing up in the way I want to show up.
Just opportunities because you didn't say what was really on your mind and I guess the
(14:27):
net of all of this is even when you get approval in these situations, it doesn't feel fulfilling
because it's not your authentic self.
Any kind of reflections on that, Muge?
Yeah, these are some really good ones.
And the other thing that occurred to me, Christine, is the effect of social media.
(14:52):
Are we driven by the likes we get on Instagram, on Facebook, on these posts?
And what does it do in terms of our behavior to get more likes on social media?
So I think that's another dimension that probably wasn't there so much before.
(15:13):
I listened to this podcast by author Chris Hayes who recently released a book called
Siren's Call.
And it's talking about the attention deficit that we typically have these days, brought
on by this deluge of information we get from all channels.
And while we all seek a certain level of attention to survive, attention from family
(15:37):
relationships, the other spectrum of it can be too much.
You are just inundated by it.
And I think just building a perspective that puts it in check becomes really important.
And his main point was you have to take breaks, like put away your phone, sign off social
media, just really get centered around who you are, what you want to do, and make some
(16:03):
real connections.
So all of that to say that approval trap can be really amplified based on our relationship
with social media.
Totally, totally.
Yeah, I connect with that in a big way.
I've personally been trying to just read more books and not just read a chapter.
(16:24):
I used to read like half a book in a sitting.
And now I'm finding like it's much more difficult.
I think our brains have been attuned to just these quick hits, quick hits, quick hits,
and it's frightening.
So that's something that I'm definitely doing more of in 2025.
(16:46):
So if we get back to what authenticity really means, it's not about being radically honest,
24-7, right?
I mean, there are, you could be your authentic self and really hurt someone's feelings.
So we have to be careful about that.
It is about aligning with your core values, and it is something that evolves over time.
(17:13):
It's not just you show up one day and you're authentic.
It's definitely a journey, and it's learning, and it's staying in tune with who you really
are, the core of who you are.
Yep, that's right.
That made me smile a bit, especially the radical honesty part.
(17:35):
I think it is easy to think that saying everything on your mind being authentic, and that is
luckily not the case.
But I will say my mom really practiced this like radical honesty, and it was funny at
times how it turned out.
So she, let's say a neighbor is visiting her and she would go, you know, you seem to have
(17:58):
gained a lot of weight recently, what's going on with you?
Oh no.
So that didn't go well.
And then, and then we're like, mom, maybe you shouldn't like bring it out like that.
And she would go, well, is it not true?
I mean, I'm just trying to be helpful, that person.
She's very literal.
Yes, she should lose some weight.
And the next thing we know that neighbor is not coming by very often, and my mom is like,
(18:23):
what happened?
And I'm like, well, you're telling her, she's getting fat and she doesn't want to hear that.
So I think not all truths need to be heard all the time is a good mantra to live by.
But again, I think there's a balance, right?
(18:44):
There's a balance.
How not speaking the truth may infringe upon our beliefs and values and compromise how we
live versus it's a truth like doesn't have to be told all the time.
And keeping it in check is probably a good, you know, ruler, ruler.
Totally, totally.
(19:05):
Yeah.
So to break free of, you know, sort of these approval traps, there's a couple of recommendations.
First, you know, we talked about self-awareness, really understanding who you are at your core,
writing these down and reflecting on some of your thoughts about what truly matters to
(19:28):
you is helpful.
And I think it's also helpful to go back in time and see who you were at different points
in your life and how you've kind of evolved your thinking.
Also this idea of having courage, you know, making choices that feel right, even when
(19:49):
they're unpopular.
And you know, we always get, I think, inspiration from stories of people, whether you're doing
something heroic when no one else would or helping someone when no one else seemed to
notice someone needed help.
Like those are all opportunities for us to live more authentically and do the right thing.
(20:16):
And then another point here is, you know, having boundaries, saying no without guilt.
I think it's easy to say no, but sometimes you're like, gosh, I feel like I should go.
I feel like they want me to go.
I don't want to go, but I'm going to say yes.
No, you should just say no, release yourself from that tax because you'll be happier doing
(20:43):
something that you, you know, are more aligned to doing.
And you know, honestly, I wouldn't want anyone at my table who didn't want to be there and
had something more pressing, right?
Like you really want people who are going to be there engaged, you know, feeling like
they're in their right place for whatever reason, you know, there's always competing
(21:05):
priorities in life.
Another tip is, you know, being vulnerable, sharing your truth, even when, even if your
voice shakes, oh, that's kind of a, a interesting comment there.
And then lastly is community.
Find the people who love you for you and not your highlight reel.
(21:28):
Yeah, that's right.
And I think our real us also can come during times of stress, times of a big challenge,
which are not at times fun, but also being able to get through those times and grow out
(21:50):
of them with the friends, family, relationships, community, what you do.
I think it is creates a real growth spurt.
So, and, you know, simple things make a big difference.
I think a lot of times people are like, okay, you know, what are your career plans?
What, you know, what do you want to do when you retire?
Right?
(22:10):
We get these questions or we ask this of others.
And I think at the root of all of this is knowing yourself is a big thing.
And knowing yourself and really coming to terms with that is not an easy thing.
So but when we are centered with that, I think the rest of it is a bit easier.
Also the notion of never don't ever do what you don't want to do.
(22:36):
I don't think it's going to really work 100% of the time either.
And it may, but then it may have a high cost of ABC.
So I think I think there's there's a bit of a balance and some things are easier than
others.
Another example I'll give is I have a very good friend.
She supports this cause for the homeless and she asked for donations all the time to this
(22:59):
cause.
So, you know, we give in our friend circle, but she keeps asking and asking and asking.
And in the end we have to say no, because we are already given, we are supporting other
causes we can't just give every time she asked.
So even with that feel a twinge of guilt for saying no.
(23:20):
And then we rationalize and say, we just can't do it every time.
So, so even even things like that sometimes you need to maybe think more how it makes
sense at least to you to say no and be okay with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(23:40):
And what's what's really important is going to matter five years from now.
One of my things that I've been pretty authentic about is I hate baby showers.
So I don't attend them.
I don't.
I just, I send a gift.
I send it like nice note and I'm very happy for the mother, but I hate a baby shower.
I hate the dumb games.
(24:02):
I hate sitting there all day.
I hate, I hate watching every single present being opened.
It's just not my thing.
You know, it's not my thing.
Christine, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna invite you to my baby shower.
I just think that we should all just make a rule like here's the registry, buy it, use
(24:23):
your time another way.
But anyway, so I, I've, I don't attend them.
I don't, I know I will probably attend them for my God children.
Like I'll have to be there and you know, but as a rule, I just send a very nice gift and
a very nice note and wish, wish folks well.
And five years from now, is anybody gonna remember I wasn't at their baby shower?
(24:48):
No, no one cares.
Well, that's the thing.
I think sometimes I, I find myself doing it just this week.
I think how we feel about what has happened, we can amplify it in our heads and it becomes
something what others think or what others said becomes bigger than it already is.
I was on this call and I felt that the individual presenting was taking jabs at my work, at
(25:15):
my team and being a little passive aggressive about it.
And I'm like, I don't like the tone of this.
So hit a conversation with the individual after the call and I was talking to my manager.
I said, I didn't feel like that was, that had the most constructive tone.
And she's like, I didn't sense that.
(25:35):
And she's like, honestly, I actually forgot about what was said.
Can you remind me?
So, so in the meantime, I'm just thinking about this and kind of upset.
And in the meantime, people have already moved on.
So I think to your point, five years from now, sometimes not even five seconds, people
(25:57):
just move on because there's so much going on in everyone's heads and lives and they
are not really thinking about you necessarily all the time, which is great.
And it was great that you had a conversation with that person offline because maybe you
learned something about their perspective.
Maybe they learned something about how they could present in a different way.
(26:20):
So yeah, that's why you're such a professional.
Yeah, right.
You're amazing.
You're amazing.
Right.
My husband says I stressed him out with my corporate life.
So the other thing I try to put this in practice is my athletic endeavors.
So, so, you know, go to a Zumba class, you know, go to tennis drill, the things that
(26:42):
I do.
And I'm like, some of this will not go well.
I know that like it's not going to be perfection.
I will face left when others are facing right.
The ball will just take a weird trajectory and even crossing to the other court.
But you know what, people are really worried about themselves.
Like no one is really standing there watching you.
(27:05):
So, so that's a nice reminder.
Yeah.
Do your thing.
Do your thing.
Do your thing.
Just do it.
Just do it.
Right.
Just do it.
Yeah.
So I guess to wrap it up, hopefully what we're leaving our listeners with is, you know,
authenticity is more about alignment.
(27:25):
It's not perfection.
You know, I think just being in tune with how you feel and your core values will help
guide you to be more authentic.
We did touch upon the fact that this requires courage, but can certainly be very freeing
when you are living your authentic self.
(27:48):
And if we want to just, you know, also, you know, leave listeners with the thought of,
you know, what's one small step that you can take to live more authentically.
Maybe it's speaking up when you feel like you should and choose those scenarios wisely,
(28:10):
setting a new boundary or just wearing something that makes you feel good.
Yeah.
That's exactly right.
I think just asking the question, right, does this bring me joy?
And making that our compass.
And I think I mentioned in a prior podcast how, you know, our kids are also role models
(28:33):
because they have a perspective both generational and age and everything else.
And I just really love how our younger son immediately categorizes something fun on fun.
So if it is, if it is on fun, do I have to do it?
Sometimes you do.
Right.
Maybe it is going to your medical checkup.
(28:53):
I mean, it is a kind of on fun, but it is super important and helpful.
But if you have a choice with the fun and the unfun, do the fun part.
And I think it creates a nice balance too to sort of make up a bit for the unfun parts.
We may have to end up doing because we still have expectations.
(29:18):
We still may want to conform at some point.
It could be a family outing, whatever it is.
So, so just make sure there is fun and joy.
Totally, totally.
Yeah.
And the last quote to leave you with is something from Bernay Brown.
She says, authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed
(29:40):
to be and embracing who we are.
I think practice is very important, the practice part.
You know, just we are constantly practicing.
I think it is hard to think we have arrived and now we are 100% pure ourselves.
I think, I think it's a practice.
(30:00):
And it's good probably to think of a lot of things as practice.
Oh, yeah.
And we're doing new roles all the time.
Right.
And you transition into something new and different.
It's going to be practice because you might be, you know, just trying something on and
learning in real time.
Right.
(30:21):
That's exactly right.
Constantly growing and that growth never stops, which is, which is amazing.
It is not about going to college and graduating from college and I learned my craft.
It's just ongoing.
And I think it helps with our self discovery as well.
(30:42):
Yep.
Life is the best teacher.
It is the best teacher.
This is the best teacher.
It's fun.
It's beautiful.
It's the best teacher.
So awesome.
Thank you, Christine.
A great session that made me think a lot.
Yeah.
Always, always great to spend time with you.
So with that listeners, we're going to sign off until next time.
(31:07):
Thank you for listening.
Thank you.
And I'll see you in the next one.
Bye.
(31:40):
Until next time.
Popular Podcasts
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Introducing… Aubrey O’Day Diddy’s former protege, television personality, platinum selling music artist, Danity Kane alum Aubrey O’Day joins veteran journalists Amy Robach and TJ Holmes to provide a unique perspective on the trial that has captivated the attention of the nation. Join them throughout the trial as they discuss, debate, and dissect every detail, every aspect of the proceedings. Aubrey will offer her opinions and expertise, as only she is qualified to do given her first-hand knowledge. From her days on Making the Band, as she emerged as the breakout star, the truth of the situation would be the opposite of the glitz and glamour. Listen throughout every minute of the trial, for this exclusive coverage. Amy Robach and TJ Holmes present Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Betrayal: Season 4
Karoline Borega married a man of honor – a respected Colorado Springs Police officer. She knew there would be sacrifices to accommodate her husband’s career. But she had no idea that he was using his badge to fool everyone. This season, we expose a man who swore two sacred oaths—one to his badge, one to his bride—and broke them both. We follow Karoline as she questions everything she thought she knew about her partner of over 20 years. And make sure to check out Seasons 1-3 of Betrayal, along with Betrayal Weekly Season 1.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.