February 17, 2025 • 32 mins
Understanding how to navigate emotional responses with our children is vital for fostering healthy relationships within families. This episode explores the importance of self-awareness, recognizing triggers, and methods to de-escalate conflicts with children for more effective communication and connection.
• Emphasizing the challenge of escalating vs. de-escalating situations
• Identifying and managing parental triggers
• Sharing a personal story about a challenging parenting moment
• Discussing the impact of emotional regulation on children
• Highlighting the importance of self-awareness and reflection in parenting
• Exploring the unique emotional needs of each child
• Encouraging connection as a solution in difficult moments
• Suggesting practical techniques for parents to foster understanding and communication
• Recommending engagement in the Reflective Parent Club for deeper support
Search for a past podcast episode or guest:
https://curiousneuron.com/podcast/
Want to join The Reflective Parent Club?
If you are ready to learn healthy emotional coping skills and to get support on. how to teach your child these skills, join below or book a call with me below:
https://curiousneuron.com/reflective-parent-club/
Book a call with me:
https://calendly.com/curious_neuron/intro-chat-for-1-1-coaching
FREE WORKBOOK: Why do I feel triggered by my child's emotions and behaviours?
https://tremendous-hustler-7333.kit.com/f9fd208c09
FREE ACTIVITY FOR KIDS: Help! My emotions are confusing to me!
https://tremendous-hustler-7333.kit.com/c6701d059a
Please leave a rating for our podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Email me at info@curiousneuron.com and I will send you our most popular guide called Meltdown Mountain.
Join me on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/curious_neuron/
Join our Facebook group called Reflective Parenting:
...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my dear friend , welcome back to another
episode of the Curious Neuronpodcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
Today we are going to reflecton something together.
So today's a solo episode, andI want us to give a thought to
whether or not we escalate asituation with our child or
de-escalate.
The reason why I want us toreflect on this is because we
(00:22):
had this conversation inside theReflective Parent Club this
week and I just thought it wouldbe a really good reflection for
all of you to kind of sit withthis week podcast.
Without them, this podcastwould not be possible and this
podcast would not be possiblewithout you.
(00:46):
So thank you to those who havebeen taking the time to rate the
podcast and leave a review.
I've been getting a lot morerecently and I really appreciate
it.
For those of you who have a bitof time this week and want to
rate it and review it, you cando it on Spotify or on Apple
Podcasts.
Send me an email and let meknow, send me a screenshot.
(01:12):
If you have time, anything,just rate it, please and review
it.
It helps the podcast moveforward.
And if you aren't subscribed tothe podcast, make sure you are
so that you get updated everyMonday when a new episode comes
out.
So send me your screenshot.
I just lost my train of thoughtand switched, and I will send
you Meltdown Mountain.
This is a PDF that you canpurchase on our website,
curiousneuroncom, but as a thankyou, I'm going to send it to
(01:33):
you, and what you can do withthis PDF is that there's a part
that you can print a page, andit has a mountain on it and it
has a visual so that you cantalk to your child about what it
feels like to get dysregulatedand what it looks like when you
are either climbing the mountainor taking the rocket ship to
get to the top of the mountain.
That is how we talk about itinside the Reflective Parent
(01:56):
Club, and every single month, bythe way, inside the Reflective
Parent Club we do chat with ourkids.
So I invite kids to a call andwe talk about emotions in
different ways.
We have talked about meltdownmountain, we have talked about a
book called what's wrong,little pookie I read it to them
and we talked about mixedemotions.
(02:17):
We have an activity sheet forthat.
So if you're part of thecurious neuron newsletter, you
have have received this PDF forfree and I will send it out
again next week.
So make sure you are part ofthe newsletter and if you don't
know how to join the newsletter,send me an email at info at
curiousneuroncom.
But you can visit our website.
(02:37):
And next Monday oh, todayactually this is coming out on
Monday.
So today is another call withkids and we are going to be
talking about the book calledthe Very Cranky Bear.
I'm going to read it to thekids and then we're going to
talk about why it's important tolet adults know what's going on
inside our mind, what we'rethinking and how we're feeling,
(02:59):
because it allows parents aroundus or adults around us to help
us with our emotions, becauseemotions can be really difficult
.
So that's part of theReflective Parent Club.
But, as you know, every singleweek I meet with you and, as
you're going through the programthat we have in the course, I
want to make sure that you havea space to talk about your
challenges and to share wins aswell, because it feels good to
(03:22):
have this community around youas you navigate the challenges
of parenting.
If you are interested in theReflective Parent Club, it's now
a three-month program, nolonger a membership, so you
don't have to worry aboutpayments coming through every
month and you get support fromme.
But to join, you can't justclick anymore.
To join, you need to meet withme.
I'm sorry, but I just thoughtit'd be easier that way, because
(03:45):
I was meeting with everyone whowas coming into the Reflective
Parent Club, but some peoplethat were joining weren't
responding to the email.
They didn't see it somehow, andso I realized that before you
come in is just so important forus to meet, because I write
down everything we talk aboutand I build content based on
what your needs are andeverybody's needs are, and so
(04:06):
that's why you now have to meetwith me.
So click the link in the shownotes and book a time in my
calendar, if you are new here.
By the way, at Curious Neuron,the goal of Curious Neuron is
not to give you parenting advice.
We are all about emotionregulation skills, and if you
are somebody that reallystruggles with coping with your
emotions or stress, then this isa space for you.
(04:27):
What I want to do with theCures Neuron podcast is really
bring some conversations andinterviews and topics like today
that will help you think aboutdifferent aspects of your
everyday life and reflect onthem Because through reflection,
we can gain more awareness ofwhere we can make some changes
or where there are tools orskills that we need to learn to
(04:49):
improve certain parts of that.
So that's the whole point.
There are articles onCuriousNeuroncom or you can
visit us on Instagram orFacebook at Curious underscore
Neuron on Instagram or justCurious Neuron on Facebook.
All right, so the reason whythis topic came to mind is
because of something thathappened with me.
(05:09):
I don't know what your triggersare, um, when it comes to being
with your kids or your child.
Um, even if you have a baby,there might still be some
triggers.
So I want to normalize this.
We all have triggers.
We even have triggers with ourpartners, but what I really
wanted to kind of shed light onare moments when we might
(05:30):
unconsciously kind of increaseor make things worse or, you
know, or escalate the situationwith our kids and we don't
realize.
So what happened is that two ofmy kids will argue more than
with the other one and wheneversomething happens, if I'm
(05:54):
regulated and we're in asituation where things are calm,
I usually and I know they wouldsay this I usually respond to
them arguing or fighting withquestions.
Well, I ask them to pause, andthen I'll say, all right, how
did this start?
Who's first?
And then they'll say, well, hestarted, or he did it, or you
(06:16):
know he said this or he saidthat.
And I'll say, okay, let's asksome questions.
Did you tell him what youwanted or did you just pull the
toy out of his hands?
Well, I just pulled the toy outof his hands.
Okay, why do you need it?
Did you explain why you neededthis particular toy?
No, okay.
Well, next time, if you can dothat, I'm sure it will help.
(06:37):
And so I go on that way.
So that's, I would say, 80% ofthe time, maybe even a little
bit more.
I would say 80% of the time,maybe even a little bit more.
But there's always that 10 or15% of the time where my
reaction to it is like can youjust stop, just stop.
And when I react that way, Isee the difference right away.
And I caught myself the otherday where my kids were arguing
(06:59):
and I said it's enough, stop.
And then one of my kids becamemore upset and said well, it's
not fair, he's always taking itand he's always doing this.
And I said stop, it doesn'tmatter, stop, it's enough.
You guys have been arguing forX amount of time and I'm done,
it's enough.
So what happened in that moment?
(07:21):
Well, I didn't respond to them,I didn't give anybody the
chance to explain themselves, Ididn't ask, I didn't get curious
, I didn't ask questions becausein that moment I was done, I
didn't care.
These moments will happen.
I'm not saying that they'llnever happen, but when we catch
ourselves, when we areself-aware which is the whole
point of the Reflective ParentClub I'm trying to help parents
(07:42):
become self-aware.
Is you catch yourself?
The Reflective Parent Club I'mtrying to help parents become
self-aware.
Is you catch yourself?
So, by not giving that child anopportunity to speak, to explain
themselves, to say that itreally wasn't their fault that
their sibling was starting this,that particular child became
more dysregulated.
And that particular childbecame even more upset and
(08:05):
started getting mad at me andraising his voice.
And so my reaction to that isdon't even think about raising
your voice.
And then his reaction to thatis why can't you just listen to
me?
And so on and so forth.
And so we just like, held handsand climbed that mountain
together, melt that mountain.
Here we come all the way to thepeak, to the point where we're
(08:26):
both dysregulated and somebodyhas to notice, and so it is our
responsibility as the adult tonotice that we escalated it
again.
It's not it's impossible tonever, um kind of do this
unconsciously.
If we do have the right skillsand tools, we can say whoa, hold
(08:50):
on, cindy, pause.
Look at what you just did.
You just reacted, and yourreaction to this led to your
child not feeling heard or seen,which led to them getting even
more upset, which led to yougetting more upset, which led to
them becoming infuriated, whichled to them getting even more
upset, which led to you gettingmore upset, which led to them
becoming infuriated, which ledto your rage.
And nobody's doing anythingabout it.
(09:11):
And it's my responsibility asthe adult to catch that
situation.
And so I said whoo, okay, holdon, let's pause for a second.
And then my child looked at meand I said I'm ooh, I'm sorry.
Second.
And then my child looked at meand I said I'm Ooh, I'm sorry.
You know what I realized inthis moment?
I never asked what happenedbefore, and this child was like
yeah, exactly.
I said okay, let's, let's justboth take one little breath
(09:35):
together.
Whew, all right, I'm sorry.
I I just got so upset becauseyou and your brother have been
arguing so much for the pasthour Like it's just too much, my
brain can't handle it right now.
You've thrown me off thatmountain and I'm fully
dysregulated, and so I'm sorry.
I had trouble coping with myemotion of feeling frustrated.
(09:56):
I'm sorry.
I'm here, I'm listening, tellme what happened and guess what?
He came down Meltdown Mountainpretty fast actually, and then I
was able to hear what happenedand I, as the regulated parent,
was able to support my kids intheir argument and then step
back.
I say step, I support first andthen step back, because the
(10:20):
youngest is five and soobviously he's still learning
social emotional skills, buthe's at the point where he can
verbalize to his older brotheror older sister how they made
them feel, and so that's why Isupport and then I step back,
because I want to allow them tohave the conversations they need
to have in order to learnsocial emotional skills and
(10:45):
speak to each other about theiremotions.
There are a few things that arekey to all this and to kind of
catching yourself.
So the first one isself-awareness.
I know that when my kids arearguing or one child is
disrespectful or mean to theother child.
That's one of my biggesttriggers.
I, as you know, through CuriousNeuron, always talk about
(11:06):
curiosity and compassion, and sokindness and empathy,
compassion, are values of mine.
We forget that one of ourtriggers could be misalignment
of our values and thisdysregulates us right.
So knowing what your values are, which is part of what we do
inside the Reflective ParentClub, is so important, because
(11:27):
then you're able to say, hey,this is exactly what triggers me
.
I know myself, I know this andI need to make sure that I
address this.
And so just knowing that thissituation is a trigger, maybe
for you it's your child whining,maybe it's arguments with your
partner and things that they sayor the way that they say it you
(11:47):
know what your triggers are.
I know that.
You know what they are, butwriting it down kind of brings
it to your self-awareness, makesit a little bit more surface
rather than like internal anddeep.
Also, when you write down allof your triggers or start
noticing, maybe you're like youknow, whining, yes, is a trigger
of mine, but I don't reallyknow what else is.
You know something that like,really like triggers me or
(12:11):
dysregulates me.
Then maybe you can startnoticing this week.
Maybe that's the first step.
Again, there are big things,right, like obviously being
shamed or disrespected or, youknow, put down, belittled, all
of these big things that we havewith adults.
So, whether it's your boss or acolleague or a friend or a
parent or your partner that'sgoing to throw you off.
But let's take a moment thisweek to kind of notice all the
(12:35):
little, the small things withour child because, or our
children because, again, themore that we can be aware of it,
then what happens?
Is that right?
When it happens, you can sayright away in your mind this is
something that triggers me, thisis something that I struggle
with.
And so if you're preparingdinner or folding laundry or
somewhere in your house and youhear two kids arguing and
(12:57):
fighting, say it in your mindthis is one of my triggers.
Okay, I'm going to have to makesure that I move about this
slowly.
And the best thing that you cando in the middle of you kind of
getting triggered and gettingangry at your child is to pause.
Just take a moment.
Three seconds, two seconds,whatever.
It is a very short pause whereyou just analyze or assess
(13:22):
yourself like, okay, am Iescalating this moment?
Ask yourself that question inthe moment Am I escalating this
moment?
Ask yourself that question inthe moment Am I escalating this
moment?
And if things are getting worse,then you have to ask yourself
how can I deescalate this moment?
Do I need to regulate myselfright now?
If this is one of my triggers,then this is going to be harder
for me.
How can I regulate myself inthis moment?
(13:43):
Do I need to step away and sayyou know what?
I'm going to address this infive minutes.
Not ignoring it, that's not.
That's not taking a moment, notsaying you know we'll talk
about another time.
Then you avoid it because you'relike I don't want to address
this.
And, by the way, my friends,this applies not just between
you and your child, but betweenyou and your partner.
Avoiding a situation becauseyou know it's going to be a
(14:06):
trigger is not the best thing todo, because it means you're not
having the conversations thatyou need to have.
Whether it's with your child oryour partner, a friend, a
family member, you need to havethese conversations.
And so if your child I don'tknow, maybe it's an older child
and something happened at schooland you're like, nope, not
(14:27):
dealing with this now, it's okayif you don't know, maybe it's
an older child and somethinghappened at school and you're
like, nope, not dealing withthis now.
It's okay if you don't have thecapacity, let them know.
Say this is really important,but I don't have the capacity to
deal with this right now.
We're going to revisit this inan hour or we're going to
revisit this tomorrow morning.
First thing on Saturday morning,you and I are having a
conversation during breakfastSame thing with our partners.
(14:50):
You know what you could say.
I had such a really you knowstressful day today and this is
just way too important to me toignore.
I can't ignore it, but I don'thave the mental capacity to
think clearly right now.
Or you could say I'm just sodysregulated with what you said
and I don't want to saysomething I regret, and so I'd
(15:10):
rather take some time, give meone hour to decompress, one hour
to regulate myself, and then Iwant to come back to this
because this conversationmatters to me and you matter to
me, and so I need to come backto this.
This or there is a very bigdifference between this and
completely ignoring something,right?
(15:32):
So all this to say, even if asituation dysregulates you or
triggers you.
It's not a reason to avoid thesituation.
It is not a reason to ignore it.
You're still going to have togo in there.
You're still going to have thisconversation.
But now, going back to thesituation with your child, if
(15:55):
there's a moment that's trulytriggering, come back to it when
you can.
Now, if there is something thatkeeps coming back, if you start
taking notes this week andyou're like you know what it
keeps coming back, if you starttaking notes this week and
you're like you know what, nowthat I've taken notes down for a
week, I noticed that, yeah,sibling arguments or fights
really are triggering to me ThenI would still or suggest, I
(16:19):
would suggest that you do kindof take the time to either
journal about it or think aboutit while you're running or going
out for a walk or working out,or call a friend and say, hey,
you know what I noticed?
These arguments are moretriggering to me than I had
realized.
I don't think you need to goback all the way to your
childhood If you feel like youdo.
(16:40):
Maybe you know I've spoken tosome parents that have there's
one parent in the relationshipthat really struggles with
sibling arguments, or onesibling ignoring the other
sibling or not wanting to playwith the other sibling, and part
of that is because of therelationship or the lack of
relationship that they have withtheir own family and so, or
their own siblings, and so thatcould be, you know, a reason why
(17:05):
you want to dig deep into thepast.
But you don't always have to.
You can just acknowledge thatthis is a trigger for you.
You can reflect on it a littlebit and say, hmm, I wonder where
this comes from.
There's the book Parent YourselfFirst.
I interviewed Brianna a coupleof weeks ago.
Her book came out a couple ofweeks ago as well.
But that book can be a helpfulguide to you if you do want to
(17:29):
kind of explore some of thethings that might be coming up
for you, and so you can do it.
But you don't necessarily haveto, but it just helps, right?
Because if you are extremelytriggered, if you go from zero
to 100 every time your kids havean argument, then the reality
is that this pause that I'mtalking about, this
(17:51):
self-awareness, might be harderfor you because you're going to
be so dysregulated 10 on 10,dysregulated that it's going to
be so hard for you to catchyourself and pause and respond
to your child rather than react.
And so how can you bringyourself from, I don't know,
maybe a 10 to a 7, which isstill dysregulated, or an 8,
(18:11):
let's say, but you'll have thecapacity to pause and notice
certain things versus a 10 on 10.
You absolutely don't.
You don't notice anything,you're just seeing red.
And so how can you start alittle bit of the work?
And again, that's something wedo inside the Reflective Parent
Club.
So if you need support, you'renot looking for therapy, maybe
(18:32):
you're just looking for guidancein terms of learning how to
cope with emotions.
That's what we do, and you canclick the link in the show notes
, all right.
So when we think about momentswhen we are completely
dysregulated and you're like youknow what, cindy, I catch
myself.
Then I don't know what to do.
Like I'm just so mad at mychild, or they're so frustrating
(18:52):
, or they're annoying me, orthey're, I don't know, whatever
it is, whatever emotion you'refeeling, and you say, well, now
what do I do?
Well, there's this connectionthing, and when we take time to
connect with somebody, you don'teven have to worry about the
scripts, you don't even have toworry about your parenting style
(19:12):
, it doesn't matter in thatmoment, just connect.
So if you catch yourself in amoment when you are escalating
the situation because it's justthis moment has dysregulated you
and now you're getting mad atyour child and your child's
getting mad at you and you'restuck, notice, pause and connect
(19:39):
.
When you connect with your child, just that, even if we just get
out of the example of our childin us and think of you, know,
in a relationship, imagine beingin a heated conversation or
argument with your partner andthey pause and say, whew, hold
on.
I can see how upset you feel orhow angry you are right now.
I'm sorry, let's just take amoment to breathe together.
(20:00):
I hear you.
I'm struggling to reallyunderstand where you're coming
from, but I hear you, let'spause together.
Wow, well, hold on.
If they do that, you feel seenor heard or validated, and when
you do feel those things, youfeel connected.
(20:21):
And when you feel connected, itregulates your nervous system.
That's the science around it,and so, if we can find ways, you
know some parents that I workwith privately and, by the way,
our new cohort, or my new cohort, is starting in March, and so
if you are a parent that you'reyou say you know what this
program, this three-monthprogram where I'm joining group
(20:43):
calls every week.
That's not my thing, but Ireally need personalized support
and I want to meet with you,cindy, every week, or every
other week actually, and get youto create activities just for
me.
Then send me an email at infoat CuriousNeuroncom Cohort,
starting in March, and I onlytake five and I already have
(21:04):
three.
So if you want that spot, letme know.
But all this to say, you reallydon't have to remember any
script.
Just remember, notice yourselfescalating the moment, pause and
then connect with your childbecause that connection will
help regulate them just enough,hopefully, that they start to
(21:27):
think again in their best waypossible.
And you start to think again inyour best way possible because
you're no longer blocking allthat activation to your
prefrontal cortex and therational and thinking part.
And so when we can do that,then we have better
conversations, better argumentsif it's with a partner and
(21:48):
everyone just feels a little bitmore seen and heard.
The next thing you ask yourselfin that moment is well, first
you should be getting curious,right, like the same way that I
do with my kids, like okay, whathappened?
And the what happened questionmight lead to everybody yelling,
and so what you just want to dois figure out, like, who needs
what from me right now, or whoneeds something who needs?
(22:09):
Maybe?
Every child has differentemotions and reacts or responds
very differently, and one childneeds time alone, the other
child might need a hug, that'sokay.
Take the time to think aboutwhat the needs of each child are
.
Ask them.
Ask them what they need, andthat's another way to connect
with your child just by askingthem.
Okay, I see that what yourbrother did right now really
(22:30):
upset you.
What do you need from me?
Well, they might say talk to mybrother or ground them or
whatever, whatever it is, butjust ask the question.
Okay, to close all of this up,you know I want you to think of
different situations thattrigger you.
It could be, you know, yourchild refusing to do homework.
It could be your child having atantrum at a store.
(22:52):
It could be that your childdoesn't want you to leave their
bedroom at night.
Because I've experienced themthat trigger you.
And also there's a really highchance that you might be
escalating the moment.
If you have a toddler, by theway, this conversation is a
(23:12):
little bit different.
So if you have a toddler.
A simple no can escalate thesituation, right?
So you say no, your toddlerloses their mind.
You lose your mind because it'sthe fourth time they do that,
and it's only noon, and nowyou're escalating the situation
too.
So up until the age of three.
That is why co-regulation is soimportant.
(23:34):
Still important after, but evenmore important before the age
of three, because your child islooking towards you for their
calm.
And so if you're not calm,they're not calm.
And it's even more importantfor you to catch yourself in
this, you know, cycle ofescalating emotions, because if
you're losing your shit, yourchild will not get calm.
(23:57):
Point final.
That means what is that inEnglish?
Point like, like period that'swhat it means.
Because you're just makingthings worse.
You're, you're, you're, you'redysregulating your child.
Again, you're not doing it onpurpose, you're not doing it
consciously, but the situationis triggering you.
So you're getting reallyfrustrated.
(24:17):
And so think of thesesituations and how you react.
Right, your child has a tantrumat the store.
It's like oh, shoot, like shutup, like people are looking at
us, like I don't, I don't, Idon't, oh, my gosh, I'm so
embarrassed.
And all of your thoughts leadto you dysregulating yourself
and you don't hear that yourchild is just saying like I'm
disappointed.
(24:37):
And so you're not helping themregulate the feeling or emotion
of disappointment because you'reso dysregulated that you can't
think the same way, and thenyou're both dysregulated.
Same thing applies for theexample of a nighttime.
Your child doesn't want to goto bed.
They want you to lie down.
You don't want to lie down, youwant to watch TV and take some
time to relax or clean upsomething, whatever it is.
(24:59):
And then they're getting upsetand you're like just lie down,
go to bed, stop talking, it is.
And then they're getting upsetand you're like just lie down,
go to bed, stop talking.
And then they don't feelconnected to you.
And so you get even more upsetbecause now they're starting to
cry and they're not relaxing andfalling asleep, and the cycle
goes on and on.
So what we really need to do iscatch ourselves.
(25:20):
Okay, my child is looking forconnection and warmth and a
feeling of safety at bedtime,but I'm making it worse because
I don't want to do this.
Acknowledge it, it's okay.
But then notice it in themoment and say okay, I'm going
to cuddle with you for 10minutes.
I can see that you want tocuddle with me, and I miss you
(25:41):
too, but I have a few things Ihave to go get done.
So 10 minutes when my timergoes off, then I'm going
downstairs.
Deal, it might work.
It might not work, but at leastconnecting with them and
noticing what they're asking forand what their needs are.
You know, it's interestingbecause when we start to step
back and learn how to do thisthrough reflection, we start to
(26:05):
notice little things.
So there was a parent that I wasworking with and they were
talking about morning time andhow hectic morning time was.
And when we started analyzingand talking about what that
morning looked like, between thetime that the child woke up to
leaving the door there were 30minutes.
That's not a lot of time.
Children need transition time.
(26:25):
We need transition time.
How many parents, how many of usstruggle with, you know,
switching hats right Fromworking to home or stay-at-home,
parent to partner, to friend orwhatever it is?
Well, our kids struggle withthat even more.
And so once we started talkingabout like, what does the
morning look like?
(26:45):
Well, I realized that's notenough downtime.
And what was the childcomplaining about and crying
about and getting mad about inthe morning?
They were looking forconnection time with their
parent, and so by talking aboutit we realized, hey, you know
what, maybe we can ask or get orgo gain somehow 10, 15 minutes
by waking them up earlier.
(27:06):
I know that it's not idealsometimes, but that 10 to 15
minutes help this parent kind ofslow things down just a little
bit in the morning, and so it'sreally important for us to start
stepping back as parents and wedon't have to read all these
parenting books and advice, getadvice all the time.
I think we really need to comeback to learning how to problem
(27:29):
solve for ourselves, becausenobody knows our child better
than we do, and if we can learnto gain confidence, this is
something that always blows mymind.
So all the new parents thatcome into the Reflective Parent
Club take the parentalself-competence scale.
So how would you rate yourlevel of competence?
(27:50):
And over 40% rate low, and soit's really important for us to
remember that if we feel that wedon't have the skills, that we
are not competent enough,confidence goes down, and then
we look towards the outside.
Can somebody else help me?
I can do this.
I don't know how to do this,but when we actually do
(28:11):
something and make a mistake, werealize, oh, talking to my
child this way doesn't work, ordoing it this way really doesn't
fit with my child, let me trysomething else.
And so this year, especiallywith the podcast and all of my
content, I really want to comeback to how do we become more
attuned with our needs, how dowe become more attuned with our
(28:32):
child's needs and how do westart to trust ourselves as
parents and know that, yes, weare coming into this role
without having had training likewe do at work.
Right, there's no six-monthtraining or whatever it is
three-month training program tothen feel like, okay, I think I
got this, and then we don't havethe 10, 15 years of experience.
(28:53):
But every day is a way for usto kind of get to know our child
and we're learning every dayand what our child needs from us
today as a four-year-old isgoing to be very different than
who they are at five years oldand what they need from us at
five years old.
So there isn't a book for everysingle age, but there are ways
(29:13):
for us to kind of come back totrusting ourselves and making
mistakes, and so catchingyourself and noticing certain
things is one of the things Ithink are so important for
parents.
All right, that's all I had tosay today.
I hope it was helpful to you.
I really encourage you tonotice this week which
(29:34):
situations seem to escalate whenyou step in and you can join
our Facebook page.
We have a Facebook group, theReflective Parent, and I'm going
to try to start a conversationthere.
I'd love to you know I don't.
For those of you listening tothe podcast, I don't have
(29:54):
contact with you and that feelslike something's missing in our
relationship.
You, the people listening tothe podcast, you guys hear more
about my life than, let's say,social media, because I'm not
the kind of person to jump inand say, oh, this was my day
today.
I went shopping and then I didthat.
It's not me.
(30:15):
I'm an introvert and that feelsuncomfortable to me.
But so you guys are the onesthat know me the most because I
talk a little bit through mysolo podcast episodes, but, like
today, I didn't talk aboutanything, just the topic, but
the podcast.
You, the audience, you are theones that I have the least
(30:35):
contact with.
I don't get to DM you on socialmedia and so come on to the
Facebook group and I'll posttoday's podcast episode question
and I want you to startnoticing what triggers you, and
then I want you to startapplying the notice, pause then
connect method so that you canfind ways to do this with your
(30:56):
child and de-escalate thesituation rather than escalate
Once you've got it down to.
Like you know, once you'vepracticed this and you're like,
yeah, I'm good with this, youcan teach this to your kids,
because the way that I'm talkingto my kids about it, they don't
realize that they're escalatingthe situation, right.
So if two kids are arguing andit's like give me that.
(31:16):
No, you give it.
No, you give it.
No, you give it.
That's they're escalating thesituation.
Nobody's asking why they needit, nobody's saying what their
needs are in the moment, and soit's really important for us to
first learn it ourselves andthen teach this to our kids,
which is the entire point ofCurious Neuron.
I want to teach you emotionregulation skills and teach you
how to model these healthycoping skills for your kids.
(31:39):
If you enjoy the podcast andenjoyed this episode, please
take a moment to share thisepisode.
Share it with a friend.
Talk about it on your Instagramstories.
Tag Curious Neuron Curiousunderscore Neuron.
Share it on Facebook anywhereyou can.
I'm going to be sending theepisode on the newsletter, so
you'll have the link.
Share the newsletter withfriends, share it at work, get
(32:02):
us or help us grow this podcast,because the more we grow, the
bigger the guests we can get.
Some people ask for numbersnumber one and number two.
This podcast will only continueif certain numbers keep
increasing, and we've plateauedfor a little bit again, and so
we are going to need to prove tothem that this podcast is
worthy enough that people areactually sharing it.
(32:25):
So, if you can, please sharethe podcast.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeand I hope you all have a
beautiful and lovely week.
I will see you next Monday.
Bye.
Hello, my dear friend , welcome back to another
episode of the Curious Neuronpodcast.
My name is Cindy Huffington andI am your host.
Today we are going to reflecton something together.
So today's a solo episode, andI want us to give a thought to
whether or not we escalate asituation with our child or
de-escalate.
The reason why I want us toreflect on this is because we
(00:22):
had this conversation inside theReflective Parent Club this
week and I just thought it wouldbe a really good reflection for
all of you to kind of sit withthis week podcast.
Without them, this podcastwould not be possible and this
podcast would not be possiblewithout you.
(00:46):
So thank you to those who havebeen taking the time to rate the
podcast and leave a review.
I've been getting a lot morerecently and I really appreciate
it.
For those of you who have a bitof time this week and want to
rate it and review it, you cando it on Spotify or on Apple
Podcasts.
Send me an email and let meknow, send me a screenshot.
(01:12):
If you have time, anything,just rate it, please and review
it.
It helps the podcast moveforward.
And if you aren't subscribed tothe podcast, make sure you are
so that you get updated everyMonday when a new episode comes
out.
So send me your screenshot.
I just lost my train of thoughtand switched, and I will send
you Meltdown Mountain.
This is a PDF that you canpurchase on our website,
curiousneuroncom, but as a thankyou, I'm going to send it to
(01:33):
you, and what you can do withthis PDF is that there's a part
that you can print a page, andit has a mountain on it and it
has a visual so that you cantalk to your child about what it
feels like to get dysregulatedand what it looks like when you
are either climbing the mountainor taking the rocket ship to
get to the top of the mountain.
That is how we talk about itinside the Reflective Parent
(01:56):
Club, and every single month, bythe way, inside the Reflective
Parent Club we do chat with ourkids.
So I invite kids to a call andwe talk about emotions in
different ways.
We have talked about meltdownmountain, we have talked about a
book called what's wrong,little pookie I read it to them
and we talked about mixedemotions.
(02:17):
We have an activity sheet forthat.
So if you're part of thecurious neuron newsletter, you
have have received this PDF forfree and I will send it out
again next week.
So make sure you are part ofthe newsletter and if you don't
know how to join the newsletter,send me an email at info at
curiousneuroncom.
But you can visit our website.
(02:37):
And next Monday oh, todayactually this is coming out on
Monday.
So today is another call withkids and we are going to be
talking about the book calledthe Very Cranky Bear.
I'm going to read it to thekids and then we're going to
talk about why it's important tolet adults know what's going on
inside our mind, what we'rethinking and how we're feeling,
(02:59):
because it allows parents aroundus or adults around us to help
us with our emotions, becauseemotions can be really difficult
.
So that's part of theReflective Parent Club.
But, as you know, every singleweek I meet with you and, as
you're going through the programthat we have in the course, I
want to make sure that you havea space to talk about your
challenges and to share wins aswell, because it feels good to
(03:22):
have this community around youas you navigate the challenges
of parenting.
If you are interested in theReflective Parent Club, it's now
a three-month program, nolonger a membership, so you
don't have to worry aboutpayments coming through every
month and you get support fromme.
But to join, you can't justclick anymore.
To join, you need to meet withme.
I'm sorry, but I just thoughtit'd be easier that way, because
(03:45):
I was meeting with everyone whowas coming into the Reflective
Parent Club, but some peoplethat were joining weren't
responding to the email.
They didn't see it somehow, andso I realized that before you
come in is just so important forus to meet, because I write
down everything we talk aboutand I build content based on
what your needs are andeverybody's needs are, and so
(04:06):
that's why you now have to meetwith me.
So click the link in the shownotes and book a time in my
calendar, if you are new here.
By the way, at Curious Neuron,the goal of Curious Neuron is
not to give you parenting advice.
We are all about emotionregulation skills, and if you
are somebody that reallystruggles with coping with your
emotions or stress, then this isa space for you.
(04:27):
What I want to do with theCures Neuron podcast is really
bring some conversations andinterviews and topics like today
that will help you think aboutdifferent aspects of your
everyday life and reflect onthem Because through reflection,
we can gain more awareness ofwhere we can make some changes
or where there are tools orskills that we need to learn to
(04:49):
improve certain parts of that.
So that's the whole point.
There are articles onCuriousNeuroncom or you can
visit us on Instagram orFacebook at Curious underscore
Neuron on Instagram or justCurious Neuron on Facebook.
All right, so the reason whythis topic came to mind is
because of something thathappened with me.
(05:09):
I don't know what your triggersare, um, when it comes to being
with your kids or your child.
Um, even if you have a baby,there might still be some
triggers.
So I want to normalize this.
We all have triggers.
We even have triggers with ourpartners, but what I really
wanted to kind of shed light onare moments when we might
(05:30):
unconsciously kind of increaseor make things worse or, you
know, or escalate the situationwith our kids and we don't
realize.
So what happened is that two ofmy kids will argue more than
with the other one and wheneversomething happens, if I'm
(05:54):
regulated and we're in asituation where things are calm,
I usually and I know they wouldsay this I usually respond to
them arguing or fighting withquestions.
Well, I ask them to pause, andthen I'll say, all right, how
did this start?
Who's first?
And then they'll say, well, hestarted, or he did it, or you
(06:16):
know he said this or he saidthat.
And I'll say, okay, let's asksome questions.
Did you tell him what youwanted or did you just pull the
toy out of his hands?
Well, I just pulled the toy outof his hands.
Okay, why do you need it?
Did you explain why you neededthis particular toy?
No, okay.
Well, next time, if you can dothat, I'm sure it will help.
(06:37):
And so I go on that way.
So that's, I would say, 80% ofthe time, maybe even a little
bit more.
I would say 80% of the time,maybe even a little bit more.
But there's always that 10 or15% of the time where my
reaction to it is like can youjust stop, just stop.
And when I react that way, Isee the difference right away.
And I caught myself the otherday where my kids were arguing
(06:59):
and I said it's enough, stop.
And then one of my kids becamemore upset and said well, it's
not fair, he's always taking itand he's always doing this.
And I said stop, it doesn'tmatter, stop, it's enough.
You guys have been arguing forX amount of time and I'm done,
it's enough.
So what happened in that moment?
(07:21):
Well, I didn't respond to them,I didn't give anybody the
chance to explain themselves, Ididn't ask, I didn't get curious
, I didn't ask questions becausein that moment I was done, I
didn't care.
These moments will happen.
I'm not saying that they'llnever happen, but when we catch
ourselves, when we areself-aware which is the whole
point of the Reflective ParentClub I'm trying to help parents
(07:42):
become self-aware.
Is you catch yourself?
The Reflective Parent Club I'mtrying to help parents become
self-aware.
Is you catch yourself?
So, by not giving that child anopportunity to speak, to explain
themselves, to say that itreally wasn't their fault that
their sibling was starting this,that particular child became
more dysregulated.
And that particular childbecame even more upset and
(08:05):
started getting mad at me andraising his voice.
And so my reaction to that isdon't even think about raising
your voice.
And then his reaction to thatis why can't you just listen to
me?
And so on and so forth.
And so we just like, held handsand climbed that mountain
together, melt that mountain.
Here we come all the way to thepeak, to the point where we're
(08:26):
both dysregulated and somebodyhas to notice, and so it is our
responsibility as the adult tonotice that we escalated it
again.
It's not it's impossible tonever, um kind of do this
unconsciously.
If we do have the right skillsand tools, we can say whoa, hold
(08:50):
on, cindy, pause.
Look at what you just did.
You just reacted, and yourreaction to this led to your
child not feeling heard or seen,which led to them getting even
more upset, which led to yougetting more upset, which led to
them becoming infuriated, whichled to them getting even more
upset, which led to you gettingmore upset, which led to them
becoming infuriated, which ledto your rage.
And nobody's doing anythingabout it.
(09:11):
And it's my responsibility asthe adult to catch that
situation.
And so I said whoo, okay, holdon, let's pause for a second.
And then my child looked at meand I said I'm ooh, I'm sorry.
Second.
And then my child looked at meand I said I'm Ooh, I'm sorry.
You know what I realized inthis moment?
I never asked what happenedbefore, and this child was like
yeah, exactly.
I said okay, let's, let's justboth take one little breath
(09:35):
together.
Whew, all right, I'm sorry.
I I just got so upset becauseyou and your brother have been
arguing so much for the pasthour Like it's just too much, my
brain can't handle it right now.
You've thrown me off thatmountain and I'm fully
dysregulated, and so I'm sorry.
I had trouble coping with myemotion of feeling frustrated.
(09:56):
I'm sorry.
I'm here, I'm listening, tellme what happened and guess what?
He came down Meltdown Mountainpretty fast actually, and then I
was able to hear what happenedand I, as the regulated parent,
was able to support my kids intheir argument and then step
back.
I say step, I support first andthen step back, because the
(10:20):
youngest is five and soobviously he's still learning
social emotional skills, buthe's at the point where he can
verbalize to his older brotheror older sister how they made
them feel, and so that's why Isupport and then I step back,
because I want to allow them tohave the conversations they need
to have in order to learnsocial emotional skills and
(10:45):
speak to each other about theiremotions.
There are a few things that arekey to all this and to kind of
catching yourself.
So the first one isself-awareness.
I know that when my kids arearguing or one child is
disrespectful or mean to theother child.
That's one of my biggesttriggers.
I, as you know, through CuriousNeuron, always talk about
(11:06):
curiosity and compassion, and sokindness and empathy,
compassion, are values of mine.
We forget that one of ourtriggers could be misalignment
of our values and thisdysregulates us right.
So knowing what your values are, which is part of what we do
inside the Reflective ParentClub, is so important, because
(11:27):
then you're able to say, hey,this is exactly what triggers me
.
I know myself, I know this andI need to make sure that I
address this.
And so just knowing that thissituation is a trigger, maybe
for you it's your child whining,maybe it's arguments with your
partner and things that they sayor the way that they say it you
(11:47):
know what your triggers are.
I know that.
You know what they are, butwriting it down kind of brings
it to your self-awareness, makesit a little bit more surface
rather than like internal anddeep.
Also, when you write down allof your triggers or start
noticing, maybe you're like youknow, whining, yes, is a trigger
of mine, but I don't reallyknow what else is.
You know something that like,really like triggers me or
(12:11):
dysregulates me.
Then maybe you can startnoticing this week.
Maybe that's the first step.
Again, there are big things,right, like obviously being
shamed or disrespected or, youknow, put down, belittled, all
of these big things that we havewith adults.
So, whether it's your boss or acolleague or a friend or a
parent or your partner that'sgoing to throw you off.
But let's take a moment thisweek to kind of notice all the
(12:35):
little, the small things withour child because, or our
children because, again, themore that we can be aware of it,
then what happens?
Is that right?
When it happens, you can sayright away in your mind this is
something that triggers me, thisis something that I struggle
with.
And so if you're preparingdinner or folding laundry or
somewhere in your house and youhear two kids arguing and
(12:57):
fighting, say it in your mindthis is one of my triggers.
Okay, I'm going to have to makesure that I move about this
slowly.
And the best thing that you cando in the middle of you kind of
getting triggered and gettingangry at your child is to pause.
Just take a moment.
Three seconds, two seconds,whatever.
It is a very short pause whereyou just analyze or assess
(13:22):
yourself like, okay, am Iescalating this moment?
Ask yourself that question inthe moment Am I escalating this
moment?
Ask yourself that question inthe moment Am I escalating this
moment?
And if things are getting worse,then you have to ask yourself
how can I deescalate this moment?
Do I need to regulate myselfright now?
If this is one of my triggers,then this is going to be harder
for me.
How can I regulate myself inthis moment?
(13:43):
Do I need to step away and sayyou know what?
I'm going to address this infive minutes.
Not ignoring it, that's not.
That's not taking a moment, notsaying you know we'll talk
about another time.
Then you avoid it because you'relike I don't want to address
this.
And, by the way, my friends,this applies not just between
you and your child, but betweenyou and your partner.
Avoiding a situation becauseyou know it's going to be a
(14:06):
trigger is not the best thing todo, because it means you're not
having the conversations thatyou need to have.
Whether it's with your child oryour partner, a friend, a
family member, you need to havethese conversations.
And so if your child I don'tknow, maybe it's an older child
and something happened at schooland you're like, nope, not
(14:27):
dealing with this now, it's okayif you don't know, maybe it's
an older child and somethinghappened at school and you're
like, nope, not dealing withthis now.
It's okay if you don't have thecapacity, let them know.
Say this is really important,but I don't have the capacity to
deal with this right now.
We're going to revisit this inan hour or we're going to
revisit this tomorrow morning.
First thing on Saturday morning,you and I are having a
conversation during breakfastSame thing with our partners.
(14:50):
You know what you could say.
I had such a really you knowstressful day today and this is
just way too important to me toignore.
I can't ignore it, but I don'thave the mental capacity to
think clearly right now.
Or you could say I'm just sodysregulated with what you said
and I don't want to saysomething I regret, and so I'd
(15:10):
rather take some time, give meone hour to decompress, one hour
to regulate myself, and then Iwant to come back to this
because this conversationmatters to me and you matter to
me, and so I need to come backto this.
This or there is a very bigdifference between this and
completely ignoring something,right?
(15:32):
So all this to say, even if asituation dysregulates you or
triggers you.
It's not a reason to avoid thesituation.
It is not a reason to ignore it.
You're still going to have togo in there.
You're still going to have thisconversation.
But now, going back to thesituation with your child, if
(15:55):
there's a moment that's trulytriggering, come back to it when
you can.
Now, if there is something thatkeeps coming back, if you start
taking notes this week andyou're like you know what it
keeps coming back, if you starttaking notes this week and
you're like you know what, nowthat I've taken notes down for a
week, I noticed that, yeah,sibling arguments or fights
really are triggering to me ThenI would still or suggest, I
(16:19):
would suggest that you do kindof take the time to either
journal about it or think aboutit while you're running or going
out for a walk or working out,or call a friend and say, hey,
you know what I noticed?
These arguments are moretriggering to me than I had
realized.
I don't think you need to goback all the way to your
childhood If you feel like youdo.
(16:40):
Maybe you know I've spoken tosome parents that have there's
one parent in the relationshipthat really struggles with
sibling arguments, or onesibling ignoring the other
sibling or not wanting to playwith the other sibling, and part
of that is because of therelationship or the lack of
relationship that they have withtheir own family and so, or
their own siblings, and so thatcould be, you know, a reason why
(17:05):
you want to dig deep into thepast.
But you don't always have to.
You can just acknowledge thatthis is a trigger for you.
You can reflect on it a littlebit and say, hmm, I wonder where
this comes from.
There's the book Parent YourselfFirst.
I interviewed Brianna a coupleof weeks ago.
Her book came out a couple ofweeks ago as well.
But that book can be a helpfulguide to you if you do want to
(17:29):
kind of explore some of thethings that might be coming up
for you, and so you can do it.
But you don't necessarily haveto, but it just helps, right?
Because if you are extremelytriggered, if you go from zero
to 100 every time your kids havean argument, then the reality
is that this pause that I'mtalking about, this
(17:51):
self-awareness, might be harderfor you because you're going to
be so dysregulated 10 on 10,dysregulated that it's going to
be so hard for you to catchyourself and pause and respond
to your child rather than react.
And so how can you bringyourself from, I don't know,
maybe a 10 to a 7, which isstill dysregulated, or an 8,
(18:11):
let's say, but you'll have thecapacity to pause and notice
certain things versus a 10 on 10.
You absolutely don't.
You don't notice anything,you're just seeing red.
And so how can you start alittle bit of the work?
And again, that's something wedo inside the Reflective Parent
Club.
So if you need support, you'renot looking for therapy, maybe
(18:32):
you're just looking for guidancein terms of learning how to
cope with emotions.
That's what we do, and you canclick the link in the show notes
, all right.
So when we think about momentswhen we are completely
dysregulated and you're like youknow what, cindy, I catch
myself.
Then I don't know what to do.
Like I'm just so mad at mychild, or they're so frustrating
(18:52):
, or they're annoying me, orthey're, I don't know, whatever
it is, whatever emotion you'refeeling, and you say, well, now
what do I do?
Well, there's this connectionthing, and when we take time to
connect with somebody, you don'teven have to worry about the
scripts, you don't even have toworry about your parenting style
(19:12):
, it doesn't matter in thatmoment, just connect.
So if you catch yourself in amoment when you are escalating
the situation because it's justthis moment has dysregulated you
and now you're getting mad atyour child and your child's
getting mad at you and you'restuck, notice, pause and connect
(19:39):
.
When you connect with your child, just that, even if we just get
out of the example of our childin us and think of you, know,
in a relationship, imagine beingin a heated conversation or
argument with your partner andthey pause and say, whew, hold
on.
I can see how upset you feel orhow angry you are right now.
I'm sorry, let's just take amoment to breathe together.
(20:00):
I hear you.
I'm struggling to reallyunderstand where you're coming
from, but I hear you, let'spause together.
Wow, well, hold on.
If they do that, you feel seenor heard or validated, and when
you do feel those things, youfeel connected.
(20:21):
And when you feel connected, itregulates your nervous system.
That's the science around it,and so, if we can find ways, you
know some parents that I workwith privately and, by the way,
our new cohort, or my new cohort, is starting in March, and so
if you are a parent that you'reyou say you know what this
program, this three-monthprogram where I'm joining group
(20:43):
calls every week.
That's not my thing, but Ireally need personalized support
and I want to meet with you,cindy, every week, or every
other week actually, and get youto create activities just for
me.
Then send me an email at infoat CuriousNeuroncom Cohort,
starting in March, and I onlytake five and I already have
(21:04):
three.
So if you want that spot, letme know.
But all this to say, you reallydon't have to remember any
script.
Just remember, notice yourselfescalating the moment, pause and
then connect with your childbecause that connection will
help regulate them just enough,hopefully, that they start to
(21:27):
think again in their best waypossible.
And you start to think again inyour best way possible because
you're no longer blocking allthat activation to your
prefrontal cortex and therational and thinking part.
And so when we can do that,then we have better
conversations, better argumentsif it's with a partner and
(21:48):
everyone just feels a little bitmore seen and heard.
The next thing you ask yourselfin that moment is well, first
you should be getting curious,right, like the same way that I
do with my kids, like okay, whathappened?
And the what happened questionmight lead to everybody yelling,
and so what you just want to dois figure out, like, who needs
what from me right now, or whoneeds something who needs?
(22:09):
Maybe?
Every child has differentemotions and reacts or responds
very differently, and one childneeds time alone, the other
child might need a hug, that'sokay.
Take the time to think aboutwhat the needs of each child are
.
Ask them.
Ask them what they need, andthat's another way to connect
with your child just by askingthem.
Okay, I see that what yourbrother did right now really
(22:30):
upset you.
What do you need from me?
Well, they might say talk to mybrother or ground them or
whatever, whatever it is, butjust ask the question.
Okay, to close all of this up,you know I want you to think of
different situations thattrigger you.
It could be, you know, yourchild refusing to do homework.
It could be your child having atantrum at a store.
(22:52):
It could be that your childdoesn't want you to leave their
bedroom at night.
Because I've experienced themthat trigger you.
And also there's a really highchance that you might be
escalating the moment.
If you have a toddler, by theway, this conversation is a
(23:12):
little bit different.
So if you have a toddler.
A simple no can escalate thesituation, right?
So you say no, your toddlerloses their mind.
You lose your mind because it'sthe fourth time they do that,
and it's only noon, and nowyou're escalating the situation
too.
So up until the age of three.
That is why co-regulation is soimportant.
(23:34):
Still important after, but evenmore important before the age
of three, because your child islooking towards you for their
calm.
And so if you're not calm,they're not calm.
And it's even more importantfor you to catch yourself in
this, you know, cycle ofescalating emotions, because if
you're losing your shit, yourchild will not get calm.
(23:57):
Point final.
That means what is that inEnglish?
Point like, like period that'swhat it means.
Because you're just makingthings worse.
You're, you're, you're, you'redysregulating your child.
Again, you're not doing it onpurpose, you're not doing it
consciously, but the situationis triggering you.
So you're getting reallyfrustrated.
(24:17):
And so think of thesesituations and how you react.
Right, your child has a tantrumat the store.
It's like oh, shoot, like shutup, like people are looking at
us, like I don't, I don't, Idon't, oh, my gosh, I'm so
embarrassed.
And all of your thoughts leadto you dysregulating yourself
and you don't hear that yourchild is just saying like I'm
disappointed.
(24:37):
And so you're not helping themregulate the feeling or emotion
of disappointment because you'reso dysregulated that you can't
think the same way, and thenyou're both dysregulated.
Same thing applies for theexample of a nighttime.
Your child doesn't want to goto bed.
They want you to lie down.
You don't want to lie down, youwant to watch TV and take some
time to relax or clean upsomething, whatever it is.
(24:59):
And then they're getting upsetand you're like just lie down,
go to bed, stop talking, it is.
And then they're getting upsetand you're like just lie down,
go to bed, stop talking.
And then they don't feelconnected to you.
And so you get even more upsetbecause now they're starting to
cry and they're not relaxing andfalling asleep, and the cycle
goes on and on.
So what we really need to do iscatch ourselves.
(25:20):
Okay, my child is looking forconnection and warmth and a
feeling of safety at bedtime,but I'm making it worse because
I don't want to do this.
Acknowledge it, it's okay.
But then notice it in themoment and say okay, I'm going
to cuddle with you for 10minutes.
I can see that you want tocuddle with me, and I miss you
(25:41):
too, but I have a few things Ihave to go get done.
So 10 minutes when my timergoes off, then I'm going
downstairs.
Deal, it might work.
It might not work, but at leastconnecting with them and
noticing what they're asking forand what their needs are.
You know, it's interestingbecause when we start to step
back and learn how to do thisthrough reflection, we start to
(26:05):
notice little things.
So there was a parent that I wasworking with and they were
talking about morning time andhow hectic morning time was.
And when we started analyzingand talking about what that
morning looked like, between thetime that the child woke up to
leaving the door there were 30minutes.
That's not a lot of time.
Children need transition time.
(26:25):
We need transition time.
How many parents, how many of usstruggle with, you know,
switching hats right Fromworking to home or stay-at-home,
parent to partner, to friend orwhatever it is?
Well, our kids struggle withthat even more.
And so once we started talkingabout like, what does the
morning look like?
(26:45):
Well, I realized that's notenough downtime.
And what was the childcomplaining about and crying
about and getting mad about inthe morning?
They were looking forconnection time with their
parent, and so by talking aboutit we realized, hey, you know
what, maybe we can ask or get orgo gain somehow 10, 15 minutes
by waking them up earlier.
(27:06):
I know that it's not idealsometimes, but that 10 to 15
minutes help this parent kind ofslow things down just a little
bit in the morning, and so it'sreally important for us to start
stepping back as parents and wedon't have to read all these
parenting books and advice, getadvice all the time.
I think we really need to comeback to learning how to problem
(27:29):
solve for ourselves, becausenobody knows our child better
than we do, and if we can learnto gain confidence, this is
something that always blows mymind.
So all the new parents thatcome into the Reflective Parent
Club take the parentalself-competence scale.
So how would you rate yourlevel of competence?
(27:50):
And over 40% rate low, and soit's really important for us to
remember that if we feel that wedon't have the skills, that we
are not competent enough,confidence goes down, and then
we look towards the outside.
Can somebody else help me?
I can do this.
I don't know how to do this,but when we actually do
(28:11):
something and make a mistake, werealize, oh, talking to my
child this way doesn't work, ordoing it this way really doesn't
fit with my child, let me trysomething else.
And so this year, especiallywith the podcast and all of my
content, I really want to comeback to how do we become more
attuned with our needs, how dowe become more attuned with our
(28:32):
child's needs and how do westart to trust ourselves as
parents and know that, yes, weare coming into this role
without having had training likewe do at work.
Right, there's no six-monthtraining or whatever it is
three-month training program tothen feel like, okay, I think I
got this, and then we don't havethe 10, 15 years of experience.
(28:53):
But every day is a way for usto kind of get to know our child
and we're learning every dayand what our child needs from us
today as a four-year-old isgoing to be very different than
who they are at five years oldand what they need from us at
five years old.
So there isn't a book for everysingle age, but there are ways
(29:13):
for us to kind of come back totrusting ourselves and making
mistakes, and so catchingyourself and noticing certain
things is one of the things Ithink are so important for
parents.
All right, that's all I had tosay today.
I hope it was helpful to you.
I really encourage you tonotice this week which
(29:34):
situations seem to escalate whenyou step in and you can join
our Facebook page.
We have a Facebook group, theReflective Parent, and I'm going
to try to start a conversationthere.
I'd love to you know I don't.
For those of you listening tothe podcast, I don't have
(29:54):
contact with you and that feelslike something's missing in our
relationship.
You, the people listening tothe podcast, you guys hear more
about my life than, let's say,social media, because I'm not
the kind of person to jump inand say, oh, this was my day
today.
I went shopping and then I didthat.
It's not me.
(30:15):
I'm an introvert and that feelsuncomfortable to me.
But so you guys are the onesthat know me the most because I
talk a little bit through mysolo podcast episodes, but, like
today, I didn't talk aboutanything, just the topic, but
the podcast.
You, the audience, you are theones that I have the least
(30:35):
contact with.
I don't get to DM you on socialmedia and so come on to the
Facebook group and I'll posttoday's podcast episode question
and I want you to startnoticing what triggers you, and
then I want you to startapplying the notice, pause then
connect method so that you canfind ways to do this with your
(30:56):
child and de-escalate thesituation rather than escalate
Once you've got it down to.
Like you know, once you'vepracticed this and you're like,
yeah, I'm good with this, youcan teach this to your kids,
because the way that I'm talkingto my kids about it, they don't
realize that they're escalatingthe situation, right.
So if two kids are arguing andit's like give me that.
(31:16):
No, you give it.
No, you give it.
No, you give it.
That's they're escalating thesituation.
Nobody's asking why they needit, nobody's saying what their
needs are in the moment, and soit's really important for us to
first learn it ourselves andthen teach this to our kids,
which is the entire point ofCurious Neuron.
I want to teach you emotionregulation skills and teach you
how to model these healthycoping skills for your kids.
(31:39):
If you enjoy the podcast andenjoyed this episode, please
take a moment to share thisepisode.
Share it with a friend.
Talk about it on your Instagramstories.
Tag Curious Neuron Curiousunderscore Neuron.
Share it on Facebook anywhereyou can.
I'm going to be sending theepisode on the newsletter, so
you'll have the link.
Share the newsletter withfriends, share it at work, get
(32:02):
us or help us grow this podcast,because the more we grow, the
bigger the guests we can get.
Some people ask for numbersnumber one and number two.
This podcast will only continueif certain numbers keep
increasing, and we've plateauedfor a little bit again, and so
we are going to need to prove tothem that this podcast is
worthy enough that people areactually sharing it.
(32:25):
So, if you can, please sharethe podcast.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeand I hope you all have a
beautiful and lovely week.
I will see you next Monday.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com