March 10, 2025 • 32 mins
Have you ever felt crushed by the pressure to follow a specific parenting style perfectly? The weight of trying to fit into boxes labeled "positive parenting" or "conscious parenting" leaves many of us feeling inadequate and constantly seeking more information. What if there's a more sustainable approach?
The newly renamed Reflective Parenting Podcast launches with a powerful message: building emotional intelligence skills matters more than following perfect parenting scripts. After speaking with hundreds of parents, I've discovered a common pattern – parents frantically searching for specific advice for each developmental stage, yet never feeling competent or confident in their abilities.
Research shows that parents who struggle with emotional regulation tend to default to authoritarian parenting styles, creating chronically stressed homes and eventually teens who can't regulate their own emotions. This cycle continues unless we intentionally develop four critical domains of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, emotion regulation, parental awareness, and healthy relationship skills.
The reflective parenting approach isn't about memorizing what to say during tantrums or following rigid schedules. It's about developing your ability to pause, notice your emotional patterns, understand your child's unique needs, and respond from a place of genuine presence rather than reactivity. When we build these foundational skills, we gain the confidence to parent our specific children, not generic ones from parenting books.
Ready to break free from parenting labels and build genuine confidence? Join our Reflective Parent Club, where we focus on developing these essential skills together. Visit the link in the show notes to start with a 7-day free trial, or schedule a conversation about your specific parenting challenges. Let's become reflective parents together.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, reflective Parents.
Today is a big day for CuriousNeuron.
I've been wanting to make thismove for a while because of the
Reflective Parent Club andbecause of what we are trying to
build here at Curious Neuron,and so my intro is no longer
hello, my dear friend, althoughyou are still my dear friend.
It is hello, reflective Parents, because this is the Reflective
(00:21):
Parenting Podcast.
It is still everything that wedo with Curious Neuron, but I
want us to start using thislanguage as we become reflective
parents together.
Through science, throughlearning how to regulate our
emotions, through the researchand science around emotional
intelligence, we, as parents,are building our confidence in
becoming the parent we alwaysenvisioned to be, without using
(00:45):
all of these definitions likepositive parenting or conscious
parenting, which I have nothingagainst.
But after speaking with 100parents, I've begun to realize
now just how much pressure somany parents are placing on
themselves in order to fit inthese boxes.
And the difference that I wantto bring to this, the new wave
(01:06):
or movement that I want tocontribute to this, is that
through reflective parenting, weare building skills skills
around emotional intelligence,which includes self-awareness,
regulating our emotions,awareness of what parenting
looks like for our specificchild, parenting looks like for
our specific child, not theneighbors, not our friends.
Our child and not just all ourkids.
(01:36):
Each one requires us to get toknow them and if we can use
everything that we've been doinghere at Curious Neuron to build
our confidence, to feelcompetent as a parent and feel
like we are building the skillssimply by reflecting and getting
to know our kids, pausing andthinking about how we reacted to
their behavior, then wetogether could become reflective
parents.
I've been wanting to make thischange for over a year now and I
(01:59):
kept worrying about what if?
What if I change the name ofthis podcast?
What if?
I don't know, people are nothappy.
But in the end, this is feelingtrue to the direction of
Kirsten Ron that it's taken inthe past year.
It's true to what I'm hearing.
You, parents, when I speak withyou, grab a conversation, a
(02:19):
chat with me.
In the show notes I have mycalendar link because I want to
get to know you guys.
Grab a talk with me.
And the more I do that, the moreI realize that what we need to
change when it comes toparenting is just simply gaining
the skill to reflect, to think,to pause, to problem solve, to
(02:39):
become that leader in our homethat is confident, that feels
competent, and all of that hasto do with how we learn to
regulate our emotions, build theself-awareness, learn how to
parent our kids through simplygetting to know them.
So we need to put aside all ofthese definitions and forget
about them.
We can still read parentingbooks, which I still love, by
(03:00):
the way.
We can still read parentingbooks, which I still love, by
the way.
But if we continue to thinkthat there's only one way to
parent I meet people privatelyas well, and I see this within
comments as well on social mediawhere parents are feeling like
they have to follow a certainkind of parenting and if their
partner doesn't, it leads toarguments.
(03:22):
And so if we together can saywe have the best intention for
our kid, number one and numbertwo, I want to be the best
version of myself for my childthen I think this can align us
in parenting in a way that makesthe best or the most sense for
us and the most sense for ourchild.
(03:43):
And so today's episode, thefirst episode of the Reflective
Parenting Podcast, is aboutlearning to kind of stop
searching for parenting adviceand really trying something
instead, which is going to bebuilding our skills, building
our confidence and feelingcompetent right Because of the
(04:05):
skills, and all of this willalign with us feeling better and
less overwhelmed and lessstressed because we don't have
to worry about what we say toour kids, we don't have to worry
about a script.
But if we are following thescience of parenting, then we
have a sort of guide and acompass and we're like then we
(04:26):
have a sort of guide and acompass and we're like okay, I
know that I need to teach mychild right from wrong, I need
to connect with them, and so howdo I do both of that?
Right now, in this moment, I'mgoing to try something and if it
works, it works.
If it doesn't work, tomorrowI'll try something different.
So we're going to walk throughwhat I'd love for you to start
doing and, if you haven't doneso yet, take a notebook and call
that, you know, a reflectiveparent podcast or Curious Neuron
(04:49):
, whatever you want.
But in terms of the work thatwe are doing here at Curious
Neuron, it's truly aroundreflective parenting, and so if
you are a parent who says youknow what, I am stuck in this
rut of not thinking I'm doingthe best for my child, or maybe
not just not thinking, butworrying that I'm not doing the
best for my child.
Then grab a conversation withme.
(05:11):
Click the link in the shownotes.
That's my calendar link.
I'd love to hear more aboutyour struggles.
This is the reason why I createdthe Reflective Parent Club.
It's a program that's going tosupport you in learning not just
about parenting.
Actually, it's like 20%parenting, but the 80% of it is
building skills specificallyaround learning how to regulate
(05:34):
your emotions and focused aroundemotional intelligence.
And so if we can apply thescience of parenting and apply
the science around emotionalintelligence, we become more
self-aware.
We start to notice whattriggers us with our child.
We start to reflect and pauseand think about why this is
triggering us.
Then we learn how to applyemotion regulation skills in the
(05:58):
moment when we are triggered,and so we don't react to our
kids.
We respond and are more awareand conscious about why we're
feeling a certain way in thatmoment.
And so all of these are skillsthat I truly believe the parents
need to build, and I will keepsaying it because I feel that
together as parents and oursociety, we really need to work
(06:19):
on this, because I'm just seeingso many parents feel that they
are not parenting in the waythat they envisioned they wanted
to parent, and they feel thatthings are more complicated and
more difficult and moreoverwhelming, and I agree.
But I do think that, although Ican't change what is going on
around you, we can work on howyou feel in the same situation,
(06:41):
we can work on what you'rethinking in the same situation,
and we can work on how yousupport yourself and how you
show up for yourself in thatsame situation, and so changing
all of this leads to thatsituation not feeling exactly
the same, feeling less worrisomeor feeling less overwhelming or
(07:01):
less stressful, and yet wedidn't change anything about it.
Before I begin, I'd like tothank the Tannenbaum Open
Science Institute for supportingthe Curious Nerd podcast.
Without them, as well as theMcConnell Foundation, this
podcast would not be possible,and so thank you to both of
these organizations who believein the importance of science.
And I'd also like to thank you,the listener, because numbers
(07:23):
have been going up, and so youmust be subscribing or sharing
with friends and family, and ifyou haven't done so, please do
so.
It really helps move thispodcast forward, but not only
the podcast the mission that wehave here at Curious Neuron is
truly to support parentalwell-being, and the way that we
are doing that is by giving youskills that can make a
(07:44):
difference in your life notparenting skills truly, skills
that support your own wellbeing,learning how to regulate your
emotions and cope with emotions,because the reality is that
most of us did not learn thisgrowing up, and now, as parents,
we have kids that we have tomodel healthy emotional coping
skills, yet many of us don'tknow how, and so I want to give
(08:06):
you these skills.
I want to support yourwellbeing, because there isn't
much out there that's supportingus that way, and I also want
you to parent your child in away that feels good for you, and
that's what we are going totalk about today.
Also, by the way, if youhaven't done so yet, please take
a moment to rate the podcastand leave a review, and if you
do it, send me an email at infoat CuriousNeuroncom.
(08:30):
I will send you MeltdownMountain, which is our most
popular PDF that we have sold onCuriousNeuroncom, and I want to
send it to you for free,because I want to thank you for
taking the time to do that,because leaving a review and a
rating whether you're on Spotifyor an Apple podcast makes a
really big difference in themetrics and allows us to get the
(08:51):
funding that we need, not forme, but for the team that helps
me build this podcast.
So thank you for doing that.
You know, part of the work thatI do with Curious Neuron is
having lots of conversationswith parents, and most of the
time I'm inspired by the parents.
Most of the time, I just feellike there are so many parents
out there that are looking forsupport, and so I feel that I
want to be there for them.
(09:12):
I want to feel like they're notalone, similarly to you
listening.
This is why I have continuedthe podcast for so long, and,
although the podcast itself is alot of work, I love doing this.
I love the conversations thatI'm having with experts and
authors and clinicians, becauseI have you in mind, and so one
(09:34):
thing that I've noticed latelyis that I've been feeling more
overwhelmed by my conversationsbecause I'm kind of taking on
the overwhelm from parents,especially new parents, of
taking on the overwhelm fromparents, especially new parents.
If I look around me, the newparents that I'm seeing have a
different level of anxiety thatI saw.
When I was a new parent, 10years ago now, I had worries and
(09:56):
I was, you know, slightlyanxious, I think after having my
first child specifically.
But I wasn't that worried aboutthe timing of when she'd wake
up or go to bed, or I wasn't asworried about the little things
like if there was a soundmachine or if it was extra dark
or if there was a little bit ofnoise, and so on and so forth.
(10:18):
I'm hearing so much of thatfrom grandparents that I speak
with, from new parents that Ispeak with, that are just so
worried about everything intheir child's environment.
Am I talking enough to my childto support their development?
Am I allowing them moments ofplay long enough?
Am I with my child long enough?
(10:38):
Should I be with them X amountof hours?
Did I mess up in the way that Iplayed with them today?
Should I have read the book tothem, or should I have let them
play with the book?
If they're eating the book, arethey not learning?
And it goes on and on and on.
And so part of me worries thatnew parents are getting this
(11:02):
abundance of information becauseof the internet and parenting
platforms, like myself throughCurious Neuron.
But what I'm worried about isthat these parents are worried
that they come or not, that theycome outside, but that they
need to fit inside this box fortheir child or else.
Or else my child won't developfast enough, or else my child
(11:26):
won't learn enough words quicklyenough.
Right, and this is the partthat I'm starting to get worried
about.
And so today, if you are a newparent, or if you're a new
parent, or you are a parent withmaybe one or two kids and you
are worried about how you areparenting your child, maybe not,
maybe the word is not worriedMaybe you are not confident or
(11:50):
feel like you're afraid that youmight mess up.
Right, you're anticipating youmessing something up because
you've never been a parentbefore.
Here's one thing I said to aparent inside our program called
the Reflective Parent Club Evenif I had a book for you that
said exactly what you need to do, for how long the perfect
(12:10):
recipe for your six-month-old,for how long the perfect recipe
for your six-month-old by sevenmonths it would change.
By eight months this book wouldchange.
By 12 months, this book wouldchange.
By 15 months, this book wouldchange.
And so what we can't do, orwhat we can't continue doing is
(12:30):
wanting to find the exactinformation for our child at the
age that they are, because it'svery overwhelming.
We can continue to search, andsearch and search, which is what
I heard from new parents when Iinterviewed 100 parents this
summer, where parents were stuckin this.
I don't know I need to come upwith a word for it but this
hyper education mode of I justbecame a parent and so I'm going
(12:55):
to follow every singleparenting expert, read every
single parenting book, go onlineand keep searching and get
these apps that allow me to knowexactly what to do today.
But what if that app or websiteor person tells me to read two
books a day to my newborn?
And yesterday I fell asleep andI was, you know, I don't know.
(13:17):
I didn't get the rest that Ineed, or whatever it is right,
and instead of reading to mychild while they were awake, I
fell asleep, and so my partnerwas with them, or a grandparent,
and then I forgot to read thetwo books, and now I'm a day
behind, right?
That is what I don't wantparents to end up doing, because
that is overwhelming.
(13:37):
In the end, what this leads tois us never really feeling like
we've gained the skills.
If we think about work andwhatever career you have, you
might have started this careernot feeling very competent, but
then you did it for a little bit, a couple months, a couple
years, and now you're like I cando this with my eyes closed.
I know exactly how to fillthose forms.
(13:58):
Or I've had so many of thesemeetings.
I show up and it's nothing tome, versus the newcomer in this,
in your office or where youwork, might feel like, hey, I'm
worried, I don't know how to dothis and I need you to mentor me
.
But if we continue looking atparenting that way, we are going
to always think that we are notcompetent, we are always going
(14:22):
to think that we have notlearned enough Because, again,
our child will keep changingevery single month, every single
year.
And so, if we can change ourapproach, rather than thinking
that we need to build enoughskills in order to be confident,
if the skill that we arelooking for are these general
(14:42):
skills, problem-solving skillslike you would as a CEO of a
company.
Problem-solving skills as youwould need as a parent.
If your child is having tantrums, get curious, hence curious
neuron.
Get curious about why, what isleading to that Okay, they're
biting because they're excited,all right.
(15:03):
Well, how can I show up forthem with confidence?
How can I show up for my child,teach them something you don't
bite when you're excited.
I could see that you're excitedand so you kind of allow them
to see that I see you right now,but then let me show you what
not to do and what to do instead.
(15:24):
This is a conversation I washaving with a father last week
as well who spoke to me abouttheir toddler starting to bite
and I was like okay, then, onceyou find out, why is it
excitement?
Is it because they're angry?
Is it because they're sad?
Are they overwhelmed,overstimulated?
What can they do when they feelthat way?
(15:45):
So, not only do you want toshow them don't do that, don't
bite, but you're excited, oh,let's clap our hands, let's jump
up and down right In thatmoment and make them build that
connection or that link fromwhat their instinct has become
to what they need to reflect onand change in that moment.
(16:07):
The reason why I focus so mucharound emotion regulation skills
or emotional intelligence hereat Curious Neuron, through the
work that I do with this company, is because I just feel that so
many parents need to learnthese skills.
So, for example, there was aresearch study and I'm going to
put this study in the show notesin case you'd like to read the
whole study.
We're going to be summarizingthis within the Reflective
(16:28):
Parent Club and I will becreating discussion points so
that we can reflect on it andbuild on this.
This is the whole point of theReflective Parent Club.
So if you'd like to join aprogram that's going to help you
become more aware and morereflective as a parent, while
teaching you the science ofeffective parenting skills, then
(16:50):
join the Reflective Parent Club.
Click the link in the shownotes below.
In the show note below.
You can either directly jointhe Reflective Parent Club.
Click the link in the shownotes below.
In the show note below.
You can either directly jointhe Reflective Parent Club and
get seven days free to see ifit's a good fit for you, because
we have weekly meetings everyTuesday at 12 pm Eastern and
again at 8 pm Eastern.
You join when you can, or youcould just grab a link, grab a
(17:10):
spot in my calendar and comechat to me about it, see what
your challenges are and see ifit's a good fit for you.
So this study in particular thatI was reading last week is
called IntergenerationalTransmission of Emotion
Dysregulation the role ofauthoritarian parenting style
and family chronic stress.
Now, what's interesting is thatmany of us say that we want to
follow and this is the wholepoint of this episode positive
(17:32):
parenting or conscious parentingor whichever kind of parenting.
But the problem around thesetypes of parenting titles or
what they tell you, includingthe one from science and
research, which is authoritativeparenting right, we're moving
away from authoritarian, whichis all about limits and
boundaries, but there's nowarmth and sensitivity.
(17:53):
So, even if we are trying tofollow the science-based one,
the problem is that many of usdon't know how to show up for a
child with warmth andsensitivity, because we were not
exposed to this growing up.
This is the thesis, one day, ofa book that I hope to write,
because this is what I'mnoticing and this is the
(18:16):
disconnect, and this is why, aswell, I had spoken about this a
couple months ago, where therewas a study that showed that
parents following positiveparenting are more stressed, and
it's not supposed to be, but itis why, because we are trying
to show up for our child in away that's warm and sensitive
and we're trying to validateemotions.
(18:37):
But what the heck does it mean?
Anyways, we didn't experiencethis growing up, and now we're
being told to show up withwarmth and sensitivity, but
we're dysregulated, we're pissed, we're overwhelmed, we're
stressed.
And then what does that lead to?
We're overwhelmed, we'restressed, and then what does
that lead?
To Us not showing up in thatway, because we snap, we get
triggered and we yell, and thenwe feel bad and we feel guilty
(19:02):
and we get stuck in thisnegative cycle of dysregulation.
I'm starting I'm going to startusing that word because that's
what we get stuck on, or getstuck in.
And what does that look like?
This looks like your childmisbehaving or acting out or
having a tantrum or a bigemotion, and rather than
(19:25):
stepping in and co-regulatingand trying to help them regulate
their nervous system or theiremotions, we show up with anger
or feeling triggered oroverwhelmed or anxiety and
stress, and we miss anopportunity to teach our kids
how to regulate their emotions,and then we feel bad about it,
(19:48):
and then they don't learn how tocope with emotions.
And so the next time there's asituation that they should start
or, you know, begin to applyemotion regulation skills, they
don't because they never learnedit.
And so we get stuck in thispattern of feeling so stressed
because our child acts out, hasbig emotions, misbehaves,
(20:08):
whatever it is, and then wedon't show up in the right way
because we're not in the rightmindset, we're not in the right,
we don't have the right toolsyet, and so, through learning
motion regulation skills, whichis only one domain of the big
emotional intelligencedefinition, and there are four
(20:29):
domains to that If we can learnthis, then we can apply this for
a child.
And does that mean that we'realways calm?
Nope, it really doesn't.
We don't always have to be calm, but we can still.
In our moment of losing it, wecan still regulate ourselves,
(20:52):
and our child can still see usmodeling healthy coping skills,
even if it's after and when werepair, and so that is what I
want us to learn, all right.
So actually, let me break downwhat emotional intelligence is
for you in terms of the fourdomains, and I think that by
hearing these four domains,you're going to understand why
we're going to be going deeperin each of these domains.
(21:13):
Through the podcast, throughCuriousNeuroncom, we are going
to be adding many more blogposts that are focused around
this, and the reason why we'redoing this now is because we've
realized that everything thatwe've been doing is focused
around this and we just want togo deeper into this.
So, whether you enjoy listeningto the podcast, whether you
(21:34):
want to read some blog posts,come onto social media, on
Facebook, on Instagram, or ifyou actually want to build these
skills, then you could join ourprogram, the Reflective Parent
Club.
And so the four domains ofemotional intelligence are
self-awareness, and that is theability to recognize and
understand your own emotions,strengths, weaknesses, values
(21:55):
and how they impact yourthoughts and behavior.
Emotion regulation is theability to regulate your
emotions, control your impulsesand adapt to changing
circumstances.
I think that the impulse partis something I'm going to have
to record a podcast around,because we often talk about our
kids being impulsive and we getfrustrated and we get annoyed.
(22:16):
But if we are parents, if weare a parent that often yells
and reacts, that's impulsivityAlso, a skill that we can work
on as a parent.
The third I like to call and weare going to be calling that
it's supposed to be socialawareness in the true definition
of emotional intelligence, butI'm turning that into parental
(22:37):
awareness and that is where Iput in all the science around
effective parenting skills.
So parental awareness is, in ourdefinition, the ability to
recognize and understand yourchild's emotions, their needs
and developmental stage, whilealso being aware of how your own
emotions and behaviors impactthem.
(22:57):
I think that is where Cure'sNeuron stands out the most.
This is what we've been doingfor so many years, but now we
are adding the other domains tohelp you understand that we need
all of them.
We need skills in all of them,and the fourth domain of
emotional intelligence arehealthy relationships.
We can't ignore the importanceof healthy relationships because
(23:22):
when you do have a healthyrelationship, it influences how
your child is learning toregulate emotions and influences
their behavior.
So the way that we definehealthy relationships is the
ability to build and maintainhealthy relationships through
effective communication,conflict resolution, teamwork
and influence.
Oh yeah, okay.
(23:44):
So this is why solo podcastsare so hard, because I'm talking
to myself and then my ideas gointo one direction and I forget
what I was saying.
Okay.
So the article that I startedtalking about before it was
interesting because when aparent struggled with regulating
their emotions, it predictedthem applying authoritarian
parenting style, so more strict,without the warmth and
(24:05):
sensitivity which is why I wassaying before, when we are
somebody who was never exposedto what warmth and sensitivity
looks like in a parenting child,a parent-child dynamic, it
becomes a little bit morechallenging for us to know what
that looks like for us and ourown child, and so what this led
to.
Also, not knowing how toregulate your own emotions, a
(24:29):
parent more naturally goestowards authoritarian right,
because you're not even calm,you're not regulated, and so how
can you support your child inregulating them?
And so the only thing left toapply as a parent are threats.
The only thing left is to setthe boundary and the limit, to
be strict to discipline in which, using whichever method you can
(24:52):
in that moment, because you'reso triggered and you're so
dysregulated.
And what this study inparticular showed?
That this sort of pattern orrelationship a parent not
knowing how to regulate theiremotions, predicting that they
will apply authoritarianparenting styles predicted an
adolescent who struggled withregulating emotions, and so it
(25:13):
just reminds us that if we don'tstart the work on ourselves,
it's going to be so hard tosupport our child.
And again, these are notbecause the parent didn't read
enough parenting books.
This is not because a parentwas following or trying to
follow a certain script.
(25:36):
It doesn't matter what scriptyou use.
It comes down to really takingthe time to work on yourself and
learning how to cope withemotions, learning how to cope
with stress.
The same study found that thesefamilies who struggled with
dysregulation the adults led tofamily chronic stress, and this
(25:59):
was part of the reason whychildren were also not able to
regulate by the time they wereteens.
And so here's something that youcan maybe reflect on this week
or start to notice.
Within the Reflective ParentClub, I always tell our members
all I want you to do for thefirst couple of weeks month,
month and a half, two monthseven is start noticing.
(26:19):
If we don't start noticing,then we'll never know where we
need to place the effort or work, and it's not going to be
everywhere, it'll be in smallparts.
And so if you can start tonotice where in my day am I
truly struggling with regulatingmy emotions, or when during my
(26:40):
day am I kind of letting myemotions get the best of me and
that doesn't mean that you'reyelling it could be that you
reacted a little bit morequickly for something.
It could be that youinternalized and rather than
saying something to your partner, a boss, a colleague.
You keep it in Now, keeping itin, not reacting to something.
(27:02):
If you're keeping it in andit's lingering, you're
ruminating about it on the buson your way's lingering, you're
ruminating about it on the buson your way home, or you're
ruminating about it at nightwhen you're in bed.
Then you didn't regulate theemotion.
You suppressed it, youinternalized it, and so you
don't have an outlet.
You should have perhaps spokenup.
You might need to journal aboutit to get it out of your mind,
(27:24):
right?
So keeping it inside is notnecessarily a good thing, and so
I want you to notice when areyou or where's the room, sorry,
when is there room forimprovement, when you are
experiencing a moment that hasemotions?
Right, so that you can findmoments that you can work on.
Maybe you'll notice a patternat work when a certain person
(27:45):
speaks to you.
Maybe you'll notice a patternwhen your partner does something
or says something and you don'tspeak up, or maybe you yell at
them.
Maybe, when you yell at them,they become dysregulated and
you're dysregulated and thewhole thing escalates and
neither one of you can bring theconversation back down.
We inside the Reflective ParentClub last week spoke about
(28:07):
something that made such a bigdifference in how we view
arguments, and this is part ofemotional intelligence, right,
the healthy relationships.
We look at conflict now as hotor cold.
Hot is when one or more peoplein the argument are yelling,
belittling, shaming, but usinglots of big words and
(28:32):
externalizing.
Cold is when a personinternalizes.
It's when somebody in theargument is keeping things to
themselves, shutting down, notspeaking up, stonewalling.
That is a person who is cold inan argument, and what we are
learning inside the ReflectiveParent Club is how do I warm up
a cold conflict or how do I cooldown a hot conflict knowing
(28:56):
that my goal is to bring it intothe warm area?
All of these things are skillsthat will help us with our child
and help us model what healthycoping skills look like in our
home, so that we're not adysregulated home, like the
study showed, because adysregulated home leads to a
dysregulated child, and so wewant to change that.
(29:19):
I know I said a lot today.
I realized that I went into alot of different areas, realize
that I went into a lot ofdifferent areas, but I hope that
it gave you time to reflect ona few things.
One am I so hyper-focused oneducating myself because I don't
think I have the right skillsas a parent?
If so, how can you step backfrom this a little bit?
How can you start regainingtrust in yourself and learning
(29:42):
to go on instinct right Withyour child with?
If you have two or three kids,each child will be very
different, and so how can youtake the time to get to know
them and build your confidence?
Two, if you really struggle withcoping with your emotions and
you never learned this, whatsteps are you going to take in
the next couple of months tolearn how to regulate your
(30:03):
emotions?
We're going to be talking a lotmore about these specific tools
inside this podcast ReflectiveParenting Podcast.
And number three where is thereroom for improvement in your
relationships?
Because all of these aspectsare contributing to how your
child is learning to cope withemotions.
And so if you're listening tothis and saying, hey, you know
(30:25):
what, cindy, actually my partnerand I have been having a lot of
conflict.
I suppress because I feelpressure from them, or I lash
out because I feel belittled orshamed by them, if this feels,
um, like this is what'shappening in your home, then I
would encourage you to say wellthen, that's where I need to
(30:46):
place my focus.
Pick a part, pick um.
Pick, not a part, but pick oneof these to focus on whether
it's going to be about buildingyour confidence, your emotional
regulation skills or buildinghealthy relationships in your
home, and then, together, we'regoing to work on this.
I'm going to keep alternatingdifferent topics, all focused on
(31:06):
this, which is what we've beendoing here inside Curse Neuron,
which is what I will continue todo, and so the Reflective
Parent Podcast, or ReflectiveParenting, is what I want to
align you towards, where you aregoing to build science-based
skills, learn how to regulateyour emotions, build on
emotional intelligence skills,and all of these skills are what
(31:29):
will begin to shape you as aparent, because you'll feel more
in control and you won't belearning parenting practices and
really you'll be learning some,but not mostly.
It's going to be about you andbuilding yourself, and I hope
that this podcast can continueto grow and support you as a
parent and build your confidence, because that is my goal.
(31:51):
I want you to be able to see anevent or a situation with your
child and say, wow, I have noidea how to deal with this, but
now I'm going to start gettingcurious and reflecting on how I
can support my child and seeingwhat works and what doesn't work
.
And so, my dear friend, I hopethat we can continue to build
this relationship together.
Here on the podcast, I willcontinue to share the same
(32:12):
content, except it's not theCure's Noon podcast anymore,
it's Reflective, the ReflectiveParenting podcast, and I hope
that we can continue thismovement together where we build
our confidence together throughknowledge, through learning
about our emotions, emotionalintelligence, relationships and
(32:34):
building our well-being asparents, because we won't feel
as overwhelmed and stressed.
Thank you so much for beinghere and I will see you next
time.
Happy Reflections.
Hello, reflective Parents.
Today is a big day for CuriousNeuron.
I've been wanting to make thismove for a while because of the
Reflective Parent Club andbecause of what we are trying to
build here at Curious Neuron,and so my intro is no longer
hello, my dear friend, althoughyou are still my dear friend.
It is hello, reflective Parents, because this is the Reflective
(00:21):
Parenting Podcast.
It is still everything that wedo with Curious Neuron, but I
want us to start using thislanguage as we become reflective
parents together.
Through science, throughlearning how to regulate our
emotions, through the researchand science around emotional
intelligence, we, as parents,are building our confidence in
becoming the parent we alwaysenvisioned to be, without using
(00:45):
all of these definitions likepositive parenting or conscious
parenting, which I have nothingagainst.
But after speaking with 100parents, I've begun to realize
now just how much pressure somany parents are placing on
themselves in order to fit inthese boxes.
And the difference that I wantto bring to this, the new wave
(01:06):
or movement that I want tocontribute to this, is that
through reflective parenting, weare building skills skills
around emotional intelligence,which includes self-awareness,
regulating our emotions,awareness of what parenting
looks like for our specificchild, parenting looks like for
our specific child, not theneighbors, not our friends.
Our child and not just all ourkids.
(01:36):
Each one requires us to get toknow them and if we can use
everything that we've been doinghere at Curious Neuron to build
our confidence, to feelcompetent as a parent and feel
like we are building the skillssimply by reflecting and getting
to know our kids, pausing andthinking about how we reacted to
their behavior, then wetogether could become reflective
parents.
I've been wanting to make thischange for over a year now and I
(01:59):
kept worrying about what if?
What if I change the name ofthis podcast?
What if?
I don't know, people are nothappy.
But in the end, this is feelingtrue to the direction of
Kirsten Ron that it's taken inthe past year.
It's true to what I'm hearing.
You, parents, when I speak withyou, grab a conversation, a
(02:19):
chat with me.
In the show notes I have mycalendar link because I want to
get to know you guys.
Grab a talk with me.
And the more I do that, the moreI realize that what we need to
change when it comes toparenting is just simply gaining
the skill to reflect, to think,to pause, to problem solve, to
(02:39):
become that leader in our homethat is confident, that feels
competent, and all of that hasto do with how we learn to
regulate our emotions, build theself-awareness, learn how to
parent our kids through simplygetting to know them.
So we need to put aside all ofthese definitions and forget
about them.
We can still read parentingbooks, which I still love, by
(03:00):
the way.
We can still read parentingbooks, which I still love, by
the way.
But if we continue to thinkthat there's only one way to
parent I meet people privatelyas well, and I see this within
comments as well on social mediawhere parents are feeling like
they have to follow a certainkind of parenting and if their
partner doesn't, it leads toarguments.
(03:22):
And so if we together can saywe have the best intention for
our kid, number one and numbertwo, I want to be the best
version of myself for my childthen I think this can align us
in parenting in a way that makesthe best or the most sense for
us and the most sense for ourchild.
(03:43):
And so today's episode, thefirst episode of the Reflective
Parenting Podcast, is aboutlearning to kind of stop
searching for parenting adviceand really trying something
instead, which is going to bebuilding our skills, building
our confidence and feelingcompetent right Because of the
(04:05):
skills, and all of this willalign with us feeling better and
less overwhelmed and lessstressed because we don't have
to worry about what we say toour kids, we don't have to worry
about a script.
But if we are following thescience of parenting, then we
have a sort of guide and acompass and we're like then we
(04:26):
have a sort of guide and acompass and we're like okay, I
know that I need to teach mychild right from wrong, I need
to connect with them, and so howdo I do both of that?
Right now, in this moment, I'mgoing to try something and if it
works, it works.
If it doesn't work, tomorrowI'll try something different.
So we're going to walk throughwhat I'd love for you to start
doing and, if you haven't doneso yet, take a notebook and call
that, you know, a reflectiveparent podcast or Curious Neuron
(04:49):
, whatever you want.
But in terms of the work thatwe are doing here at Curious
Neuron, it's truly aroundreflective parenting, and so if
you are a parent who says youknow what, I am stuck in this
rut of not thinking I'm doingthe best for my child, or maybe
not just not thinking, butworrying that I'm not doing the
best for my child.
Then grab a conversation withme.
(05:11):
Click the link in the shownotes.
That's my calendar link.
I'd love to hear more aboutyour struggles.
This is the reason why I createdthe Reflective Parent Club.
It's a program that's going tosupport you in learning not just
about parenting.
Actually, it's like 20%parenting, but the 80% of it is
building skills specificallyaround learning how to regulate
(05:34):
your emotions and focused aroundemotional intelligence.
And so if we can apply thescience of parenting and apply
the science around emotionalintelligence, we become more
self-aware.
We start to notice whattriggers us with our child.
We start to reflect and pauseand think about why this is
triggering us.
Then we learn how to applyemotion regulation skills in the
(05:58):
moment when we are triggered,and so we don't react to our
kids.
We respond and are more awareand conscious about why we're
feeling a certain way in thatmoment.
And so all of these are skillsthat I truly believe the parents
need to build, and I will keepsaying it because I feel that
together as parents and oursociety, we really need to work
(06:19):
on this, because I'm just seeingso many parents feel that they
are not parenting in the waythat they envisioned they wanted
to parent, and they feel thatthings are more complicated and
more difficult and moreoverwhelming, and I agree.
But I do think that, although Ican't change what is going on
around you, we can work on howyou feel in the same situation,
(06:41):
we can work on what you'rethinking in the same situation,
and we can work on how yousupport yourself and how you
show up for yourself in thatsame situation, and so changing
all of this leads to thatsituation not feeling exactly
the same, feeling less worrisomeor feeling less overwhelming or
(07:01):
less stressful, and yet wedidn't change anything about it.
Before I begin, I'd like tothank the Tannenbaum Open
Science Institute for supportingthe Curious Nerd podcast.
Without them, as well as theMcConnell Foundation, this
podcast would not be possible,and so thank you to both of
these organizations who believein the importance of science.
And I'd also like to thank you,the listener, because numbers
(07:23):
have been going up, and so youmust be subscribing or sharing
with friends and family, and ifyou haven't done so, please do
so.
It really helps move thispodcast forward, but not only
the podcast the mission that wehave here at Curious Neuron is
truly to support parentalwell-being, and the way that we
are doing that is by giving youskills that can make a
(07:44):
difference in your life notparenting skills truly, skills
that support your own wellbeing,learning how to regulate your
emotions and cope with emotions,because the reality is that
most of us did not learn thisgrowing up, and now, as parents,
we have kids that we have tomodel healthy emotional coping
skills, yet many of us don'tknow how, and so I want to give
(08:06):
you these skills.
I want to support yourwellbeing, because there isn't
much out there that's supportingus that way, and I also want
you to parent your child in away that feels good for you, and
that's what we are going totalk about today.
Also, by the way, if youhaven't done so yet, please take
a moment to rate the podcastand leave a review, and if you
do it, send me an email at infoat CuriousNeuroncom.
(08:30):
I will send you MeltdownMountain, which is our most
popular PDF that we have sold onCuriousNeuroncom, and I want to
send it to you for free,because I want to thank you for
taking the time to do that,because leaving a review and a
rating whether you're on Spotifyor an Apple podcast makes a
really big difference in themetrics and allows us to get the
(08:51):
funding that we need, not forme, but for the team that helps
me build this podcast.
So thank you for doing that.
You know, part of the work thatI do with Curious Neuron is
having lots of conversationswith parents, and most of the
time I'm inspired by the parents.
Most of the time, I just feellike there are so many parents
out there that are looking forsupport, and so I feel that I
want to be there for them.
(09:12):
I want to feel like they're notalone, similarly to you
listening.
This is why I have continuedthe podcast for so long, and,
although the podcast itself is alot of work, I love doing this.
I love the conversations thatI'm having with experts and
authors and clinicians, becauseI have you in mind, and so one
(09:34):
thing that I've noticed latelyis that I've been feeling more
overwhelmed by my conversationsbecause I'm kind of taking on
the overwhelm from parents,especially new parents, of
taking on the overwhelm fromparents, especially new parents.
If I look around me, the newparents that I'm seeing have a
different level of anxiety thatI saw.
When I was a new parent, 10years ago now, I had worries and
(09:56):
I was, you know, slightlyanxious, I think after having my
first child specifically.
But I wasn't that worried aboutthe timing of when she'd wake
up or go to bed, or I wasn't asworried about the little things
like if there was a soundmachine or if it was extra dark
or if there was a little bit ofnoise, and so on and so forth.
(10:18):
I'm hearing so much of thatfrom grandparents that I speak
with, from new parents that Ispeak with, that are just so
worried about everything intheir child's environment.
Am I talking enough to my childto support their development?
Am I allowing them moments ofplay long enough?
Am I with my child long enough?
(10:38):
Should I be with them X amountof hours?
Did I mess up in the way that Iplayed with them today?
Should I have read the book tothem, or should I have let them
play with the book?
If they're eating the book, arethey not learning?
And it goes on and on and on.
And so part of me worries thatnew parents are getting this
(11:02):
abundance of information becauseof the internet and parenting
platforms, like myself throughCurious Neuron.
But what I'm worried about isthat these parents are worried
that they come or not, that theycome outside, but that they
need to fit inside this box fortheir child or else.
Or else my child won't developfast enough, or else my child
(11:26):
won't learn enough words quicklyenough.
Right, and this is the partthat I'm starting to get worried
about.
And so today, if you are a newparent, or if you're a new
parent, or you are a parent withmaybe one or two kids and you
are worried about how you areparenting your child, maybe not,
maybe the word is not worriedMaybe you are not confident or
(11:50):
feel like you're afraid that youmight mess up.
Right, you're anticipating youmessing something up because
you've never been a parentbefore.
Here's one thing I said to aparent inside our program called
the Reflective Parent Club Evenif I had a book for you that
said exactly what you need to do, for how long the perfect
(12:10):
recipe for your six-month-old,for how long the perfect recipe
for your six-month-old by sevenmonths it would change.
By eight months this book wouldchange.
By 12 months, this book wouldchange.
By 15 months, this book wouldchange.
And so what we can't do, orwhat we can't continue doing is
(12:30):
wanting to find the exactinformation for our child at the
age that they are, because it'svery overwhelming.
We can continue to search, andsearch and search, which is what
I heard from new parents when Iinterviewed 100 parents this
summer, where parents were stuckin this.
I don't know I need to come upwith a word for it but this
hyper education mode of I justbecame a parent and so I'm going
(12:55):
to follow every singleparenting expert, read every
single parenting book, go onlineand keep searching and get
these apps that allow me to knowexactly what to do today.
But what if that app or websiteor person tells me to read two
books a day to my newborn?
And yesterday I fell asleep andI was, you know, I don't know.
(13:17):
I didn't get the rest that Ineed, or whatever it is right,
and instead of reading to mychild while they were awake, I
fell asleep, and so my partnerwas with them, or a grandparent,
and then I forgot to read thetwo books, and now I'm a day
behind, right?
That is what I don't wantparents to end up doing, because
that is overwhelming.
(13:37):
In the end, what this leads tois us never really feeling like
we've gained the skills.
If we think about work andwhatever career you have, you
might have started this careernot feeling very competent, but
then you did it for a little bit, a couple months, a couple
years, and now you're like I cando this with my eyes closed.
I know exactly how to fillthose forms.
(13:58):
Or I've had so many of thesemeetings.
I show up and it's nothing tome, versus the newcomer in this,
in your office or where youwork, might feel like, hey, I'm
worried, I don't know how to dothis and I need you to mentor me
.
But if we continue looking atparenting that way, we are going
to always think that we are notcompetent, we are always going
(14:22):
to think that we have notlearned enough Because, again,
our child will keep changingevery single month, every single
year.
And so, if we can change ourapproach, rather than thinking
that we need to build enoughskills in order to be confident,
if the skill that we arelooking for are these general
(14:42):
skills, problem-solving skillslike you would as a CEO of a
company.
Problem-solving skills as youwould need as a parent.
If your child is having tantrums, get curious, hence curious
neuron.
Get curious about why, what isleading to that Okay, they're
biting because they're excited,all right.
(15:03):
Well, how can I show up forthem with confidence?
How can I show up for my child,teach them something you don't
bite when you're excited.
I could see that you're excitedand so you kind of allow them
to see that I see you right now,but then let me show you what
not to do and what to do instead.
(15:24):
This is a conversation I washaving with a father last week
as well who spoke to me abouttheir toddler starting to bite
and I was like okay, then, onceyou find out, why is it
excitement?
Is it because they're angry?
Is it because they're sad?
Are they overwhelmed,overstimulated?
What can they do when they feelthat way?
(15:45):
So, not only do you want toshow them don't do that, don't
bite, but you're excited, oh,let's clap our hands, let's jump
up and down right In thatmoment and make them build that
connection or that link fromwhat their instinct has become
to what they need to reflect onand change in that moment.
(16:07):
The reason why I focus so mucharound emotion regulation skills
or emotional intelligence hereat Curious Neuron, through the
work that I do with this company, is because I just feel that so
many parents need to learnthese skills.
So, for example, there was aresearch study and I'm going to
put this study in the show notesin case you'd like to read the
whole study.
We're going to be summarizingthis within the Reflective
(16:28):
Parent Club and I will becreating discussion points so
that we can reflect on it andbuild on this.
This is the whole point of theReflective Parent Club.
So if you'd like to join aprogram that's going to help you
become more aware and morereflective as a parent, while
teaching you the science ofeffective parenting skills, then
(16:50):
join the Reflective Parent Club.
Click the link in the shownotes below.
In the show note below.
You can either directly jointhe Reflective Parent Club.
Click the link in the shownotes below.
In the show note below.
You can either directly jointhe Reflective Parent Club and
get seven days free to see ifit's a good fit for you, because
we have weekly meetings everyTuesday at 12 pm Eastern and
again at 8 pm Eastern.
You join when you can, or youcould just grab a link, grab a
(17:10):
spot in my calendar and comechat to me about it, see what
your challenges are and see ifit's a good fit for you.
So this study in particular thatI was reading last week is
called IntergenerationalTransmission of Emotion
Dysregulation the role ofauthoritarian parenting style
and family chronic stress.
Now, what's interesting is thatmany of us say that we want to
follow and this is the wholepoint of this episode positive
(17:32):
parenting or conscious parentingor whichever kind of parenting.
But the problem around thesetypes of parenting titles or
what they tell you, includingthe one from science and
research, which is authoritativeparenting right, we're moving
away from authoritarian, whichis all about limits and
boundaries, but there's nowarmth and sensitivity.
(17:53):
So, even if we are trying tofollow the science-based one,
the problem is that many of usdon't know how to show up for a
child with warmth andsensitivity, because we were not
exposed to this growing up.
This is the thesis, one day, ofa book that I hope to write,
because this is what I'mnoticing and this is the
(18:16):
disconnect, and this is why, aswell, I had spoken about this a
couple months ago, where therewas a study that showed that
parents following positiveparenting are more stressed, and
it's not supposed to be, but itis why, because we are trying
to show up for our child in away that's warm and sensitive
and we're trying to validateemotions.
(18:37):
But what the heck does it mean?
Anyways, we didn't experiencethis growing up, and now we're
being told to show up withwarmth and sensitivity, but
we're dysregulated, we're pissed, we're overwhelmed, we're
stressed.
And then what does that lead to?
We're overwhelmed, we'restressed, and then what does
that lead?
To Us not showing up in thatway, because we snap, we get
triggered and we yell, and thenwe feel bad and we feel guilty
(19:02):
and we get stuck in thisnegative cycle of dysregulation.
I'm starting I'm going to startusing that word because that's
what we get stuck on, or getstuck in.
And what does that look like?
This looks like your childmisbehaving or acting out or
having a tantrum or a bigemotion, and rather than
(19:25):
stepping in and co-regulatingand trying to help them regulate
their nervous system or theiremotions, we show up with anger
or feeling triggered oroverwhelmed or anxiety and
stress, and we miss anopportunity to teach our kids
how to regulate their emotions,and then we feel bad about it,
(19:48):
and then they don't learn how tocope with emotions.
And so the next time there's asituation that they should start
or, you know, begin to applyemotion regulation skills, they
don't because they never learnedit.
And so we get stuck in thispattern of feeling so stressed
because our child acts out, hasbig emotions, misbehaves,
(20:08):
whatever it is, and then wedon't show up in the right way
because we're not in the rightmindset, we're not in the right,
we don't have the right toolsyet, and so, through learning
motion regulation skills, whichis only one domain of the big
emotional intelligencedefinition, and there are four
(20:29):
domains to that If we can learnthis, then we can apply this for
a child.
And does that mean that we'realways calm?
Nope, it really doesn't.
We don't always have to be calm, but we can still.
In our moment of losing it, wecan still regulate ourselves,
(20:52):
and our child can still see usmodeling healthy coping skills,
even if it's after and when werepair, and so that is what I
want us to learn, all right.
So actually, let me break downwhat emotional intelligence is
for you in terms of the fourdomains, and I think that by
hearing these four domains,you're going to understand why
we're going to be going deeperin each of these domains.
(21:13):
Through the podcast, throughCuriousNeuroncom, we are going
to be adding many more blogposts that are focused around
this, and the reason why we'redoing this now is because we've
realized that everything thatwe've been doing is focused
around this and we just want togo deeper into this.
So, whether you enjoy listeningto the podcast, whether you
(21:34):
want to read some blog posts,come onto social media, on
Facebook, on Instagram, or ifyou actually want to build these
skills, then you could join ourprogram, the Reflective Parent
Club.
And so the four domains ofemotional intelligence are
self-awareness, and that is theability to recognize and
understand your own emotions,strengths, weaknesses, values
(21:55):
and how they impact yourthoughts and behavior.
Emotion regulation is theability to regulate your
emotions, control your impulsesand adapt to changing
circumstances.
I think that the impulse partis something I'm going to have
to record a podcast around,because we often talk about our
kids being impulsive and we getfrustrated and we get annoyed.
(22:16):
But if we are parents, if weare a parent that often yells
and reacts, that's impulsivityAlso, a skill that we can work
on as a parent.
The third I like to call and weare going to be calling that
it's supposed to be socialawareness in the true definition
of emotional intelligence, butI'm turning that into parental
(22:37):
awareness and that is where Iput in all the science around
effective parenting skills.
So parental awareness is, in ourdefinition, the ability to
recognize and understand yourchild's emotions, their needs
and developmental stage, whilealso being aware of how your own
emotions and behaviors impactthem.
(22:57):
I think that is where Cure'sNeuron stands out the most.
This is what we've been doingfor so many years, but now we
are adding the other domains tohelp you understand that we need
all of them.
We need skills in all of them,and the fourth domain of
emotional intelligence arehealthy relationships.
We can't ignore the importanceof healthy relationships because
(23:22):
when you do have a healthyrelationship, it influences how
your child is learning toregulate emotions and influences
their behavior.
So the way that we definehealthy relationships is the
ability to build and maintainhealthy relationships through
effective communication,conflict resolution, teamwork
and influence.
Oh yeah, okay.
(23:44):
So this is why solo podcastsare so hard, because I'm talking
to myself and then my ideas gointo one direction and I forget
what I was saying.
Okay.
So the article that I startedtalking about before it was
interesting because when aparent struggled with regulating
their emotions, it predictedthem applying authoritarian
parenting style, so more strict,without the warmth and
(24:05):
sensitivity which is why I wassaying before, when we are
somebody who was never exposedto what warmth and sensitivity
looks like in a parenting child,a parent-child dynamic, it
becomes a little bit morechallenging for us to know what
that looks like for us and ourown child, and so what this led
to.
Also, not knowing how toregulate your own emotions, a
(24:29):
parent more naturally goestowards authoritarian right,
because you're not even calm,you're not regulated, and so how
can you support your child inregulating them?
And so the only thing left toapply as a parent are threats.
The only thing left is to setthe boundary and the limit, to
be strict to discipline in which, using whichever method you can
(24:52):
in that moment, because you'reso triggered and you're so
dysregulated.
And what this study inparticular showed?
That this sort of pattern orrelationship a parent not
knowing how to regulate theiremotions, predicting that they
will apply authoritarianparenting styles predicted an
adolescent who struggled withregulating emotions, and so it
(25:13):
just reminds us that if we don'tstart the work on ourselves,
it's going to be so hard tosupport our child.
And again, these are notbecause the parent didn't read
enough parenting books.
This is not because a parentwas following or trying to
follow a certain script.
(25:36):
It doesn't matter what scriptyou use.
It comes down to really takingthe time to work on yourself and
learning how to cope withemotions, learning how to cope
with stress.
The same study found that thesefamilies who struggled with
dysregulation the adults led tofamily chronic stress, and this
(25:59):
was part of the reason whychildren were also not able to
regulate by the time they wereteens.
And so here's something that youcan maybe reflect on this week
or start to notice.
Within the Reflective ParentClub, I always tell our members
all I want you to do for thefirst couple of weeks month,
month and a half, two monthseven is start noticing.
(26:19):
If we don't start noticing,then we'll never know where we
need to place the effort or work, and it's not going to be
everywhere, it'll be in smallparts.
And so if you can start tonotice where in my day am I
truly struggling with regulatingmy emotions, or when during my
(26:40):
day am I kind of letting myemotions get the best of me and
that doesn't mean that you'reyelling it could be that you
reacted a little bit morequickly for something.
It could be that youinternalized and rather than
saying something to your partner, a boss, a colleague.
You keep it in Now, keeping itin, not reacting to something.
(27:02):
If you're keeping it in andit's lingering, you're
ruminating about it on the buson your way's lingering, you're
ruminating about it on the buson your way home, or you're
ruminating about it at nightwhen you're in bed.
Then you didn't regulate theemotion.
You suppressed it, youinternalized it, and so you
don't have an outlet.
You should have perhaps spokenup.
You might need to journal aboutit to get it out of your mind,
(27:24):
right?
So keeping it inside is notnecessarily a good thing, and so
I want you to notice when areyou or where's the room, sorry,
when is there room forimprovement, when you are
experiencing a moment that hasemotions?
Right, so that you can findmoments that you can work on.
Maybe you'll notice a patternat work when a certain person
(27:45):
speaks to you.
Maybe you'll notice a patternwhen your partner does something
or says something and you don'tspeak up, or maybe you yell at
them.
Maybe, when you yell at them,they become dysregulated and
you're dysregulated and thewhole thing escalates and
neither one of you can bring theconversation back down.
We inside the Reflective ParentClub last week spoke about
(28:07):
something that made such a bigdifference in how we view
arguments, and this is part ofemotional intelligence, right,
the healthy relationships.
We look at conflict now as hotor cold.
Hot is when one or more peoplein the argument are yelling,
belittling, shaming, but usinglots of big words and
(28:32):
externalizing.
Cold is when a personinternalizes.
It's when somebody in theargument is keeping things to
themselves, shutting down, notspeaking up, stonewalling.
That is a person who is cold inan argument, and what we are
learning inside the ReflectiveParent Club is how do I warm up
a cold conflict or how do I cooldown a hot conflict knowing
(28:56):
that my goal is to bring it intothe warm area?
All of these things are skillsthat will help us with our child
and help us model what healthycoping skills look like in our
home, so that we're not adysregulated home, like the
study showed, because adysregulated home leads to a
dysregulated child, and so wewant to change that.
(29:19):
I know I said a lot today.
I realized that I went into alot of different areas, realize
that I went into a lot ofdifferent areas, but I hope that
it gave you time to reflect ona few things.
One am I so hyper-focused oneducating myself because I don't
think I have the right skillsas a parent?
If so, how can you step backfrom this a little bit?
How can you start regainingtrust in yourself and learning
(29:42):
to go on instinct right Withyour child with?
If you have two or three kids,each child will be very
different, and so how can youtake the time to get to know
them and build your confidence?
Two, if you really struggle withcoping with your emotions and
you never learned this, whatsteps are you going to take in
the next couple of months tolearn how to regulate your
(30:03):
emotions?
We're going to be talking a lotmore about these specific tools
inside this podcast ReflectiveParenting Podcast.
And number three where is thereroom for improvement in your
relationships?
Because all of these aspectsare contributing to how your
child is learning to cope withemotions.
And so if you're listening tothis and saying, hey, you know
(30:25):
what, cindy, actually my partnerand I have been having a lot of
conflict.
I suppress because I feelpressure from them, or I lash
out because I feel belittled orshamed by them, if this feels,
um, like this is what'shappening in your home, then I
would encourage you to say wellthen, that's where I need to
(30:46):
place my focus.
Pick a part, pick um.
Pick, not a part, but pick oneof these to focus on whether
it's going to be about buildingyour confidence, your emotional
regulation skills or buildinghealthy relationships in your
home, and then, together, we'regoing to work on this.
I'm going to keep alternatingdifferent topics, all focused on
(31:06):
this, which is what we've beendoing here inside Curse Neuron,
which is what I will continue todo, and so the Reflective
Parent Podcast, or ReflectiveParenting, is what I want to
align you towards, where you aregoing to build science-based
skills, learn how to regulateyour emotions, build on
emotional intelligence skills,and all of these skills are what
(31:29):
will begin to shape you as aparent, because you'll feel more
in control and you won't belearning parenting practices and
really you'll be learning some,but not mostly.
It's going to be about you andbuilding yourself, and I hope
that this podcast can continueto grow and support you as a
parent and build your confidence, because that is my goal.
(31:51):
I want you to be able to see anevent or a situation with your
child and say, wow, I have noidea how to deal with this, but
now I'm going to start gettingcurious and reflecting on how I
can support my child and seeingwhat works and what doesn't work
.
And so, my dear friend, I hopethat we can continue to build
this relationship together.
Here on the podcast, I willcontinue to share the same
(32:12):
content, except it's not theCure's Noon podcast anymore,
it's Reflective, the ReflectiveParenting podcast, and I hope
that we can continue thismovement together where we build
our confidence together throughknowledge, through learning
about our emotions, emotionalintelligence, relationships and
(32:34):
building our well-being asparents, because we won't feel
as overwhelmed and stressed.
Thank you so much for beinghere and I will see you next
time.
Happy Reflections.
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