August 16, 2023 • 31 mins
In this episode Reggie and DJ navigate the dynamic dating terrain, exploring attachment styles, preferences, deal breakers and much more.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
This Reggie ATL coming to you from the love city
of Atlanta, georgia, and youknow, typically, dj, when I'm on
this show, I'm going out toanother city.
It'll be like this is ReggieATL going out to Cali.
This Reggie ATL going out toChicago, but I'm going out to
Atlanta Like I'm not even.
I'm not even going nowhere.
This is Reggie ATL, got DJ herewith us and I'm going to give
you a chance to introduceyourself here, DJ, because I've
(00:25):
been on your show talking,dating and stuff like that and
it was much more sophisticatedoperation.
She had like her own littlestudio set up.
There was like people there,it's just me here on this show
and a light and a computer, likethere's nothing.
I don't have all the bells andwhistles, dj, how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
I'm doing great and what you got going on is super
dope.
I hate that I don't have my mic, but my name is DJ Robinson.
I am the founder and creator ofPlumper Keeps podcast and
dating app, built around selfawareness and compatibility
games.
So when two people match, theyhave to play a compatibility
game based on love, language,sexual compatibility, emotional
(01:04):
intelligence or attachmenttheory.
It's a attachment theory.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
We're yo, yo.
What's attachment theory?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
So attachment theory is basically a theory.
Oh my God, the name escapes me,but basically it's a theory
that came about, I believe, inthe 1960s could be a little
earlier than that, but we're allborn with an attachment style.
So there's four different types.
There's the secure attachmentstyle, so that means you know
you were secure, you were raisedin a household where your
(01:33):
parents supported you, so yougrow up and you don't have any
like too much securities whendealing with people in
relationships.
And then there's the threeother types, which is considered
insecure attachment style.
So there's the dismissiveavoidant.
So that might be the person whois independent.
You know they might, can justhave sex, multiple sexual
(01:53):
partners, and they're okay, theydon't need, they don't really
easily get attached.
Then there's the anxiouslyattached, so that's that clingy
person who may call you 55 timesbecause they're trying to get a
hold of you and you're notanswering them.
Then there's the fearfulavoidant.
So that's the one who kind ofjuggles between the dismissive
(02:17):
and the attachment.
So you want love but you'rescared of it.
So you might start off strongand then you'll pull away and
identify as an FA or a fearfulavoidant.
And that's something I've beenworking through.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Fearful avoidant Is that how it says something.
Let me write that down for you.
Fearful avoidant yes, wow.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
So when two people play this game, they'll get it.
When they answer the shortquestionnaire game, they'll get
an idea of where they may fallon the spectrum.
So it's just kind of anintroduction to it.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Really so how did you find out where you fell?
I don't let me see.
Ain't it secure?
I?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
get a lot of things over real quick.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I think maybe I'm more like pretty secure man,
pretty secure, I don't think alot of us grow into that.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
And then there's some people who just they have their
secure attachment style.
You know, I don't know, I'vealways been kind of a fearful
avoidant, like I would.
I would lean more towards theguys I really had to work hard
for.
But I think it was because Ihad some dismissiveness within
myself because I would get witha guy who had all their stuff
(03:27):
together and I did not stay inthose relationships.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
So you know I need to fix her up, or let me get rid
of this guy who's got a fulltime job and stable life.
Just get him out of here.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
This is also consciously, by the way.
I want to put that out there.
This is not conscious, but thisis definitely what I was doing.
Like, when you really examinethis, what the fuck is this girl
doing?
This is accurate.
How did you so?
How?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
did you get to that though?
Like how did you know?
Like, how did you like?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
it takes a lot of self, like awareness, right To a
certain degree it does, but Iwasn't self aware for a very
long time.
So, like I said, I would getwith these guys, fix their
uppers or whatever the case maybe, and eventually I would get
tired, right.
So eventually I would break upwith them.
But there was one particularguy who broke up with me and
that I don't know what it was.
(04:14):
It fucked me up really bad.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
It was word like so.
So why?
Why do you what?
What would what?
Why that one in particularversus like.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
The story behind that one.
I poured a lot into thisrelationship.
Um, I poured a lot into therelationship first off, and I
think that's more of what it waslike a portal out into it, and
then, once it was all over, it'slike I knew better.
And then it was like, okay, Ineed to self assess for real now
, because I don't want to feelthis way.
Yeah, so that's where all oflike the research and dig in and
(04:48):
getting certain certificationsand becoming more self-aware
became Really important to mebecause, yeah, that shit hurt.
Like, is there certain?
Speaker 1 (04:58):
things in these behaviors can, and we don't want
you to break each one of themdown.
That's probably another show.
We could just do another show.
We probably will do that.
We'll do a show on justattachment theory, because it's
very interesting.
Stuff like this is veryinteresting to me.
Um, is there, if we can do,like just a quick summary of
like something that you may seein each one, like like a
characteristic, so that you canSee, okay, this person is this
(05:20):
way or this person's?
That would not to say that youcould sum it up in one sentence
Because, like I said, I reallydo want to do another show on
this, but is there somethingthat you can see in a secure
person and an insecure person?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
so a secure person is somebody who's self-aware,
somebody who can be in arelationship.
And, let's say, a secure personyou get.
You get into an argument withyour partner.
You're not so easily triggeredoff of Something your partner
may say.
You're able to really assess.
Problem and you can talk thingsout for real, right then?
(05:51):
Then let's say, somebody who is, um, anxiously attached, say
you get into an argument withyour partner and you're
anxiously attached.
You might be somebody who yourpartner might be somebody like
myself.
Sometimes I have to walk away,like, hey, give me some time,
because if I might say the wrongthing and I don't want to say
the wrong thing, so I need torevisit this conversation, so I
(06:13):
will walk away.
If you're somebody who'sanxiously attached, you have to
have the conversation right now.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yes, I've dated people like that who do not want
to get on their phone without aresolution like Right.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah, somebody who's probably anxiously attached.
Or you might be anxiouslyattached if your partner's
having a bad day At work andthey come home and maybe they're
wearing that energy on them andthen you make it in a way, you
make it all about you, likeyou're trying to please your
partner.
But you're only trying toplease your partner because you
want them to get out of this badmove so they can attend to you.
(06:44):
So you get what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So that might be anxiously attached.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Somebody who's fearfully fearful of warden is
kind of like what I mentioned,somebody who, um, it's kind of
like a rollercoaster.
Like I might start off reallystrong In a relationship with
somebody, let's say, a guy thathas his stuff together.
I might be excited at first.
You know I'm saying I like himat first and you know, then
(07:09):
maybe he starts coming in reallystrong with things I'm not used
to because I'm not maybe I'mnot used to being treated that
well to my childhood and thingsthat went on in my household
because I grew up in a realco-dependent Household with a
lot of fighting, alcohol.
It was an unstable household,so that's kind of what I was
used to.
So when a guy's kind of, when aguy was stable and was trying
(07:32):
to give me things and treat mewell, it was just it was so
unfamiliar to me I was afraid Iwas going to mess it up.
That's what I'm thinking.
It was more on that.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Go ahead and, just like yo, get rid of them all
together.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, but I would let them as boredom right, Like I
would okay.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I've heard that before.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Yeah, like he was born and like he didn't
stimulate me in the right ways.
But now that I'm older and I'mable to look, it was more so of
me wanting to fix something,feeling that I had to be Worthy
to receive this type of love,and I didn't do anything
compared to other things,because that's what I was taught
(08:12):
in my household.
We don't have to work, floodeverything, including right.
That's this is a little bitabout.
And then, oh, dismissiveavoidance earths.
That might be somebody who wasraised.
Maybe your parents worked allthe time.
Maybe you grew up in a crazyhousehold where you were left
alone a lot, so you had toself-sude and you had you were
alone a lot.
(08:33):
So you grow up and you get intothese relationships and your
inner story may be to the effectof People leave so you don't
get attached.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
So I see, so you know , you never really formed that
attachment because you're so,yeah, they usually don't even
form it too much like that.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
You know they might have sex, but sex is not looked
at as the same to dismissive forsure, yeah, so that's a little
bit on those.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Because I would definitely want to talk.
We're gonna do a whole show onthat like.
Like that might be our reallylike legit Our next show, cuz
that's absolutely fascinating tome the different types.
And I remember you, j, being atat when I was at your studio
where we're doing our thing andyou were showing me your phone.
This is something I've neverforgotten, by the way.
Now you're gonna show me, like,your Facebook situation and
(09:22):
you're like I don't know if it'sFacebook dating or something DJ
, you had so many dudes in there, dj.
I was like.
I was like this is like amountain of men.
You had dudes coming in thathad left, dudes that came back
like.
I was like yo, this is a lot ofguys, so from from a guy
standpoint, it's complete.
Like yo, there's like a milliondudes out here and the kind of
(09:45):
guy I am, dj, they all thirstierthan me.
I'm not a thirsty dude like.
So I'm like how do I?
I don't have a shot out here.
You kidding me cuz I'm notpaying any attention.
I'm gonna send one message.
I'm gone like.
That's it.
I'm out of here.
I've already forgotten.
I sent that message.
After I've sent it, I think wetalked about this on the show.
Yeah, at least for me personally, part of my dating journey was
(10:06):
not putting so much emphasis onthe one message, not putting so
much emphasis on the oneCommunication.
You know, I mean I kind of domy communication and then move
on, boom, I'm out of here and ifthey hit back, they hit back,
they don't, they don't.
But when I looked at themountain of men you've had in
your, that's what name of yournext podcast should be.
You should be mountain, that'sthat's the name of it.
Should be mountain, themountain of men that DJ had in
(10:28):
her, in her, in your messages.
Want to know is this how doesanyone stick out?
How do you even choose one ofthose messages?
A bunch of dudes and some guysshirts on, some guys shirts off,
some look like business Do,some like regular dudes who just
took this photo selfie and it'skind of like, how do you?
How was anybody even stickingout to you?
(10:48):
Dj team like select on them.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
So now for me, cuz I know when I was younger, like yo
, I would just hit everybody upand then just try to keep up,
but then I would good luck withthat.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
But what I do do now, I really do try.
I actually need to get back on.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Anyway, into your message, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
A mountain of messages not being even seen and
attended to DJ Yo.
Let's just take a pause herefor all the people who looking
for love out here to the otherpeople that have millions of
Messages they're not evenresponding to.
They're not even on there andthey still getting those
messages to other dudes andwomen who are trying their
hardest.
They got 17 messages.
That's just a DJ's getting a.
She got 70 and she hadn't evenlooked at them.
I feel so bad.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I feel so bad I really want to get on there to
promote my stuff.
But see, that was it, I'm Iain't, I ain't used, that's why
some of a thing.
But Now I try to do, I try tolook at the person's profile
first.
I look at the message like Ineed something in depth.
Not too in depth because I'mnot too into the message,
(11:55):
because I've had a guy send melike a lot of different.
That guy said me their escortservices packages.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
I need a set.
Yo maybe need to put Messages.
My boss, you're sendingsomething like yo, brah herd.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
I want to know, like, what really has really?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Prices go with these prices.
Looking like like.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I don't know what radius for that as a male.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
That's bored out here .
Speaker 2 (12:23):
It look like they go on.
I'm trying to remember this wasa while back.
I know like to just spend time,not have sex, just get like
girlfriend treatment.
I think he was two, threehundred dollars for that, for
like a night.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Oh, I am quitting my job.
What am I out here fuckingworking my life away for when I
can just show up and get pay acouple hundred bucks for
conversation?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
I'll give it a lot of women, they, they looking for
that, ali, I guess he found hisniche.
I don't know.
I get these messages about Sadstories to three paragraphs.
I don't know another, anotherone looking for sympathy and
money.
Like I get these word messagesand then I'll get no, hey,
(13:07):
what's up, what's up, sexy,somebody might say something
about my big lid.
Like I don't like thosemessages.
Like you gotta be a.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
The physical messages , the messages that are
commenting on anything physicalYou're not a fan of not, not
anymore.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I remember the pants, thank you, no, not, no more.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yeah, a lot of women.
I've heard a lot of women saythat as a matter.
Yeah right.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
So not no more, you just gotta come correct,
introduce yourself.
I'll respond to those messagesjust introducing yourself.
And now I'm more open to.
I don't have a, I have a tight,but then I'm more open, like
I'll reach out if your messageis right and then just see what
a conversation.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So what is the right message?
Can we just write it right now?
Can we just write it for thesedudes?
Speaker 2 (13:54):
I would.
What is a message that?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
get DJ Absolutely the pageant, because that's just
part.
If a guy writes a good message,dj, that's just getting you to
look at them.
You didn't even like reachedout to them yet.
That's just getting over thefirst of having you even just
look at their message.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I might not be the right person, because I the last
person I messaged was it was,it was a situation, was a me
trying something.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Let me think about another message, because I'm
like that one might not be.
Is there, if you couldn't writethe word specifically Is there
a theme of a message that youfeel like it's better for for
for men I know going for men towomen situation Is there a theme
message that a guy can write towear a woman like?
Maybe the theme will be just Isit saying something funny?
Is it mentioning, maybe,something she's wearing?
(14:39):
Is it mentioning a picture thatshe has?
Is there a theme I candefinitely?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
mention in something, um, definitely mentioning
something funny, I'm not gonnalie, is something that will
attract me as well.
Mentioning something funny, um,and then also Even being
intentional, like stayed in kindof shortly what your intentions
are like, or asking me what youknow, what am I doing on the
(15:03):
app, like what brings me tofacebook, and then just and just
the message just got to besomewhat of an Intentional
because a lot of these dudesdon't they?
Just kind of what you said.
I just send out one message andI just see what you know.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Ask the wide net is what we got to do.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
You know, I feel like you come up with a general
message that comes offintentional, then um cast that
wide net with it.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
So I don't know like, so I'm not that, yeah, I'm kind
of simple, nothing about it,but there was the left to your
point.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
This is the when you asked me about a message, one
that really caught my eye.
So this guy was Polly, my mom.
He was Polly.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Polly, a Polly lifestyle, for that's multiple
lovers for people.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Polly lifestyle is yeah, he was interesting
lifestyle, by the way, veryinteresting lifestyle very
interesting.
I've learned that it's not forme.
I've tried it a couple times.
I've learned?
Speaker 1 (15:57):
it's not for me but yet another show idea that we
just have.
We've come up with two or threemore shows on here.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I'll talk about my experiences and why they weren't
.
I've had a couple ofexperiences, but his message was
so genuine and so on, like hewanted to make it clear, like,
did I read his profile?
He just was really intentional.
I think that's my big thing,like being intentional, like in
your message, to some degree, toshow like hey, I'm really on
(16:26):
this app trying to meet Dave,like I need to see that, like
that, hey, what's up?
You know, I don't even respondto those because I'll respond
and then the dude will be onlylooking for a pen pal.
That's like.
I'm trying to get out in thestreets like I'm not looking for
no damn pen pal.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Yeah, you and me both .
I'm not with that.
You know those people that geton these apps and they want a
message for like a month, likeyo.
What do you think I'm gonnawaste my time here?
You think I wanted this text?
Well, I can be text pals withyou because, basically, what
you're doing you know what Imean I'm not texting you, but
I'm you doing the same methodthrough an app, whether it's
you're doing social media,whether you're doing dating,
it's pretty much you're justtexting messages on your phone,
(17:03):
reaching out to another humanbeing.
And when, in dating apps, justlike he said, it's a being
intentional right, most peopleare on there for intentional
reasons, like there.
There are some people out thereplaying games, but there's
people who aren't, and I thinkthat it's good to identify which
one of those people that youare like.
Are you a person that's playinggames or your person?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
This is other apps for that, like, get on a big old
, like you can be friends withpeople.
Okay, I don't play with this.
Don't play with your mom, like,don't play with me about no, go
, finish that statement.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
No, I'll just say don't play with me.
That's all they.
Uh, what about any negative, oris there?
So we just talked about thepositive.
Make be able to jump outsomething that jumps out to you
where you like, yo, all right,but I can at least, uh, engage
this person in conversation.
What is now?
Let's go to the opposite end ofthe spectrum.
What do you look at you like?
Instantly like, oh hell, no,like, like, no, not a chance.
(17:56):
This person's getting a message.
No, is it looks?
Is it physical?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Keep it above DJ.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
DJ In there and be like hell.
No, you see this.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
What else?
Sometimes it's physical, andthen there's um.
I'm trying to think about if Igot a message now.
Girls another time a guy sentme like a two-page letter about
his life and how he wasstruggling, how he just wanted a
girl to be there for him.
I'm like, damn, I need to checkmy.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Yeah, I don't know, I need to change the pictures on
my profile with some I wouldhave.
What the hell am I trying toBecause that?
That was a hell?
No, for me, um, what else?
Uh, the, the, um, the otherstory I gave you about the the
escort, that wasn't the hell, no, that was.
That was an entertainingconversation for two days until
(18:59):
I finally just left him alreadyBecause he was yo so did he give
you his prices up front?
Speaker 1 (19:03):
I'm really.
The escort situation is reallyinteresting.
Hey look I might need a newline of work, I mean he didn't
give him to me a friend.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I wish I could find his messages.
Just uh, it wasn't a front, itwas just more so him letting me
know.
You know he was, and he didn'teven use the word escort, he
used.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I'll have.
That's too strong.
He probably didn't want to comeon very strong like let me ease
it in there.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
We made it clear, like you know, I'm, you know I'm
just out here basically what hesaid.
But he basically just made itclear, like you know, I'm just
out here, you know, making surethat women are good, but it was
in this, it was in his own wayof putting in and just made him
know like it's gonna cost youmoney.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Yo, so did you like it?
So you did you pull that fromhis comments, because I I need
the sheet right in the menu, bro, I need you to pull.
I asked him.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I was like so how much?
That's what I got, the two to300.
So how much do you charge likefor certain stuff?
You know, because I have totalk to him a little bit, but
I'm gonna find those messagesand I'm gonna, I'm gonna
screenshot him and I'm gonnasend him to you.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, man because I wanted to.
That's that's an interestingconversation to have, because I
you know what's funny is.
So I've talked to a lot of guyswho, um, and luckily I've
avoided this dj, I've avoidedthis like but but duty shop.
I believe him because he showedme.
So he had a list and he waslike man.
Every time I started to getclose to women on these apps,
(20:28):
they end up asking me for moneyat some point.
They end up asking me sendingme their list, sending me their
menu and stuff like that.
And I'm like how has this neverhappened to me?
And how has it happened so muchto this other person?
Because he did have a, he had a, his block list, because he's
like yo, I'll block him everytime.
And he was scrolling up hisblock list.
He could scroll a few differenttimes up his block list.
(20:49):
So I was like yo, what is hedoing where he's getting so many
women?
That's like asking him theselines of questions and I just
never had gotten this before.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Okay, so me.
We've done a few podcaststogether and you've always
seemed like you were intentional, right With who you chose, who
you date.
You always came off intentional.
I had another dude come on mypodcast maybe about a month or
two after you and he was havingthe same issues here in Atlanta
is just different Every time Igo out on a date with a girl she
(21:20):
ends up asking for money.
Or I took a girl out on a dateand once I house and there was
no food in her refrigerator so Ibought a groceries and then I
just never spoke to him again.
But then he turned around andhe said well, if you act like
the fun girl, I'm gonna treatyou like the fun girl.
So that means you entertainingher.
So if you entertaining her andyou know she's a fun girl, of
(21:44):
course she's gonna tell her,she's gonna ask you for
something.
And it sounds like he knew fromJohn yeah, she come off like
she's a fun girl, but I'm gonnahave fun with her.
What you expect.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
I guess.
So I know it's interestingbecause now it's gonna maybe
kind of have to revisit.
I should go back my bro,because I did tell him this like
, since you're the only commondenominator, it's something,
it's some energy that's beinggiven off, bro, like something,
I'm not sure what it is, butyou're giving off some energy
that's attracted, this energyback to you.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
These dudes be.
These dudes be entertaining andthey'll entertain just to see
how far they can go until maybethe girl asked for something, or
they'll just see how far theycan take it and then she'll
she'll pop up and ask forsomething.
But I feel like if you'reintentional about dating and
about how you're puttingyourself out there while you're
(22:34):
dating, what you your, yourdating life will reflect back to
you what you're putting outthere.
So if you're only if you're onlyif you're, only if you're only
if you're entertaining a fungirl because she's fun and
you're trying to have fun.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I want to do.
You know what I mean.
Listen, we'll entertain somestuff.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Yeah, because you got one of something real serious
too, but he took in everythingthat came his way, including
those girls.
So you won't run into.
That's just my perspective, myopinion you entertaining these
people and you getting, youmaking them comfortable enough
to ask for word right,especially here in the A.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
there's no shortage, I'll tell you that right now,
there's no shortage of humanbeings in the A who's willing to
get that check, that money upoff of you, like there's,
there's zero.
If you're a band Atlanta, you'regonna know exactly what I'm
talking about and you know.
So one of the last things I wantto talk about here on this show
is how do you and I think we'vetalked about this before, and
that's kind of like the, thepreferences versus the deal
(23:36):
breakers yet another show thatwe could just do a whole show on
which we might.
We've come up with like fourshows, this show, so we've come
up with our next, like three tofour shows with the preview, and
then we're actually deep diveon these, because this is what
I've talked about with severaldifferent people and I'm always
interested to hear what one isversus the others, because you
know what ends up happening islike, well, I might have a
laundry list of deal breakersand, and as I talked to a lot of
(23:57):
women, one of the things I'vediscovered and maybe this is the
same we would mend to is thatthat list gets shorter as you
get older, like so, when you'reyounger, that list starts off a
mile long.
As you get it started to getolder, you start to scratch some
things off the list.
Like, well, I'll take thismaybe.
maybe at the beginning, like Idon't want to man with no kids,
then I'll take one who doesn'tlive with him, I'll take one
that does live with him, but asa teenager I'll take a toddler,
I'll take anything like.
(24:17):
So it kind of goes down withtime, with with time.
Now, what do you?
Is that something that you seeand something that you're kind
of familiar with, kind of havingwhat is a strong preference
versus what is an absolute dealright here?
Speaker 2 (24:32):
I know a lot of my friends I never had and that was
a.
Let me tell you that was a partof my problem back in the day,
like I didn't have too manyboundaries.
I don't think I want to seethis is the type I want, the
fine ass dude.
I didn't care what he had goingon, kind of like when I was
young.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
That's a guy's perspective.
You're talking about how guysdo.
That's the cool stuff you do.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
That's the cool stuff that I had there.
You know, I'm saying like Ididn't really have that.
I didn't care what he was, whathe had going on, like I said, I
was a fixer-upper, like let mehelp you, I always had my stuff
together and it was just kind oflike you know, I can help you,
you, you know so unfortunately,I had to help you.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
You're housing these dudes.
Man, put these dudes in thehouse put them up you.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
They say, yeah, I'll take.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
I'll take care of.
I got you.
I'm settled on my financials,you know I'm like what are you
looking for?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I'm gonna help you you know, but I had to really
get out to the point where I'mgonna help you.
I wasn't that I wasn't that badwhere I was putting them up in
housing stuff, but I was thetype who, okay, you say you want
to do this, let me help you dothis.
And if I had to, whatever I hadto do to help, I would help.
But it'd be me pouring, pouring, pouring, pouring in to build
(25:37):
this person up and I wasn'tgetting anything in return.
So I didn't have a lot ofboundaries.
Which means I didn't have a lotof boundaries.
It means I didn't really have alot of preferences versus what
is non-negotiable Deal breakers.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Because a lot of times people, that's what people
tend to have yeah now in me.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
My list is still short.
Like I said, I didn't reallyhave one before.
Now I'm on the show.
Now it's like okay, you have torespect my boundaries.
You give me any type of redflag.
You don't respect my boundaries.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
You have to draw.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
I don't give you down .
How fine it is.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
So that's one of them , right?
Speaker 2 (26:17):
That's just sounds like a deal like three, right,
so that's just having justboundaries.
Mine is just having boundariesnow, like because I didn't have
any before, because I didn'tknow where I began and where
another person ended.
So another person never endedand always needed, needed,
needed, needed, needed.
I would just give, give, give,because I didn't know where I
ended or where I began.
So now it's now.
(26:39):
It's understanding myboundaries, understanding and, I
guess, something within myboundaries.
I don't mind somebody who havekids, I don't think I don't mind
somebody who have kids, as longas you're taking care of your
kids and you ain't dealing withthe BM, I think you're dealing
with Right.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Right.
Is that that's like having themany issues, Because I've never
really had to deal with that.
What like if I date a womanwith them?
I haven't really had to dealwith like any baby father drama,
Like they may have it, but itnever kind of spilled over, you
know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah, that's all I would want, because I know for
me that's.
I gave every man that that Idated.
Because I have an 11 year old.
I deal with big drama betweenme and him but it never spilled
over, like the guy would neverknow.
You know I'm trying to thinkand then preferences back in the
day he had to be six to sixover six, six pack.
(27:29):
Yeah, absolutely, that was goodto my own stuff, why he had to
be so tall now you know, herelast guy talked to you and very
close to my height, so you knowI've grown.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
So you've, you've, you've, you've dropped down.
So what was that like droppingdown like an inch every, every,
every year?
So how long did it take youdown?
To from where you started.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
No, it was drag.
Well, I'm about six years.
Like I said once, I reallystarted with like I don't, six,
seven years, because for thelongest he had to be tall.
I don't want him to be tall.
Now it's like he ain't got tobe that tall, but that took a
while for me to get over that.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
So that was why I think that is because that's a
physical preference, you thatthink that you just that's just
your physical preference, justkind of changing yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I think I just was following the trend because I'm
really not, I don't really careabout the height.
Well, he can't be four foot two.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Now you know, I'm saying, oh wow, wow, two dudes
like you know just as soon asyou got put in, you just been
put back out for all you guyswho felt like yo now we got a
shot, now you can put backoutside by DJ.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
No, five to six and over, is you know?
That's good, that's generous.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
That's generous from what a lot of women are, because
I wouldn't listen.
They don't five foot, nothing,and it's over with me.
It's over with like we're nineguys over with, we're not
getting nothing.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
That's crazy.
No, five foot six and over isfive.
I got over the stupid stigma ofa guy got to be a certain
height.
A guy got to be this, a guy gotto be that.
Um, I don't see, I wouldn't be.
I'm not the best in this yearbecause I'm still.
I'm still learning mypreferences, my background Are
we all.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
I don't know if it ever.
Is it ever done, DJ?
I don't think it is.
I don't think it is.
I don't think that you everreally stop, because you don't
stop evolving as a person.
I mean, if you're living lifecorrectly, there's going to be
constant evolution, things thatyou learn from each previous
year to where you take it intothe next year like, okay, yo, a
little bit more wise, and I feellike some of those preferences
kind of change with that rightwhich is growing as a human
(29:32):
being.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Absolutely.
So I say, yeah, I don't have, Inever had, I didn't have any
before and now I only have a few.
I probably can list a wholebunch of things that I know I
won't stand for.
But as far as like preferencesand and then deal breakers, you
know the person got to respectmy mind.
You know I've been inrelationships where guys will
try to dumb me down, dim mylight, like things like that.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
So what would they do ?
Like when you say dim you'relike or dumb you down, like,
where is that?
Like talking to you andcondescending fashions.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Is that what?
Yeah, condescending fashions,or that's basically talking to
me and condescending fashion.
I ain't never had nobody likeinsult me, like directly.
Like you know, somebody caninsult you directly like oh you
yo, that's like super toxic,though, right.
Like if, do like if you go intothe crib.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
You being insulted at your house by by your sister.
That sucks, that sucks.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
My first relationship , none of my personal.
My second one I wasn't aphysically abusive one, so after
that yeah, I was.
I wasn't that, and I'm gonnatake that back down to was
verbally abusive as well.
So I did deal with that andafter that relationship, okay,
well, that's something I'm notgonna tolerate anymore, but that
was a very good relationship.
I was a teenager.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
So you got out the way pretty quick.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I got that one out of the way pretty quick.
I hate that I went through that, but I'm one of those people,
unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
I'm very hard at it, so especially have to go through
a few things before you reallyhave to to figure out some stuff
.
And you know what's crazy is.
As I've looked at the notes youknow I've taken notes this
entire show Let me see I see one, two.
Okay, let's say three.
All right, I see three moreshows here.
More shows.
(31:16):
It's just from this oneconversation that we've had.
It was one half an hourconversation.
There's gonna be a few moreshows, just based on what we've
talked about here.
Tell the people where they canfind you at DJ.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
So you can find me on all social media platforms.
At playing the number fourkeeps app.
You will see my podcast clipsthere, you can get access to see
my video podcast and my audiopodcast, and you have access to
the data and app as well.
So check us out.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Amazing, amazing.
This is Reggie Chil.
Check us out, stay at yourheart.
Radio, google podcast, applepodcast, spotify, wherever you
find your podcast.
See you next time.
This Reggie ATL coming to you from the love city
of Atlanta, georgia, and youknow, typically, dj, when I'm on
this show, I'm going out toanother city.
It'll be like this is ReggieATL going out to Cali.
This Reggie ATL going out toChicago, but I'm going out to
Atlanta Like I'm not even.
I'm not even going nowhere.
This is Reggie ATL, got DJ herewith us and I'm going to give
you a chance to introduceyourself here, DJ, because I've
(00:25):
been on your show talking,dating and stuff like that and
it was much more sophisticatedoperation.
She had like her own littlestudio set up.
There was like people there,it's just me here on this show
and a light and a computer, likethere's nothing.
I don't have all the bells andwhistles, dj, how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
I'm doing great and what you got going on is super
dope.
I hate that I don't have my mic, but my name is DJ Robinson.
I am the founder and creator ofPlumper Keeps podcast and
dating app, built around selfawareness and compatibility
games.
So when two people match, theyhave to play a compatibility
game based on love, language,sexual compatibility, emotional
(01:04):
intelligence or attachmenttheory.
It's a attachment theory.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
We're yo, yo.
What's attachment theory?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
So attachment theory is basically a theory.
Oh my God, the name escapes me,but basically it's a theory
that came about, I believe, inthe 1960s could be a little
earlier than that, but we're allborn with an attachment style.
So there's four different types.
There's the secure attachmentstyle, so that means you know
you were secure, you were raisedin a household where your
(01:33):
parents supported you, so yougrow up and you don't have any
like too much securities whendealing with people in
relationships.
And then there's the threeother types, which is considered
insecure attachment style.
So there's the dismissiveavoidant.
So that might be the person whois independent.
You know they might, can justhave sex, multiple sexual
(01:53):
partners, and they're okay, theydon't need, they don't really
easily get attached.
Then there's the anxiouslyattached, so that's that clingy
person who may call you 55 timesbecause they're trying to get a
hold of you and you're notanswering them.
Then there's the fearfulavoidant.
So that's the one who kind ofjuggles between the dismissive
(02:17):
and the attachment.
So you want love but you'rescared of it.
So you might start off strongand then you'll pull away and
identify as an FA or a fearfulavoidant.
And that's something I've beenworking through.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Fearful avoidant Is that how it says something.
Let me write that down for you.
Fearful avoidant yes, wow.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
So when two people play this game, they'll get it.
When they answer the shortquestionnaire game, they'll get
an idea of where they may fallon the spectrum.
So it's just kind of anintroduction to it.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Really so how did you find out where you fell?
I don't let me see.
Ain't it secure?
I?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
get a lot of things over real quick.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
I think maybe I'm more like pretty secure man,
pretty secure, I don't think alot of us grow into that.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
And then there's some people who just they have their
secure attachment style.
You know, I don't know, I'vealways been kind of a fearful
avoidant, like I would.
I would lean more towards theguys I really had to work hard
for.
But I think it was because Ihad some dismissiveness within
myself because I would get witha guy who had all their stuff
(03:27):
together and I did not stay inthose relationships.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
So you know I need to fix her up, or let me get rid
of this guy who's got a fulltime job and stable life.
Just get him out of here.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
This is also consciously, by the way.
I want to put that out there.
This is not conscious, but thisis definitely what I was doing.
Like, when you really examinethis, what the fuck is this girl
doing?
This is accurate.
How did you so?
How?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
did you get to that though?
Like how did you know?
Like, how did you like?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
it takes a lot of self, like awareness, right To a
certain degree it does, but Iwasn't self aware for a very
long time.
So, like I said, I would getwith these guys, fix their
uppers or whatever the case maybe, and eventually I would get
tired, right.
So eventually I would break upwith them.
But there was one particularguy who broke up with me and
that I don't know what it was.
(04:14):
It fucked me up really bad.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
It was word like so.
So why?
Why do you what?
What would what?
Why that one in particularversus like.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
The story behind that one.
I poured a lot into thisrelationship.
Um, I poured a lot into therelationship first off, and I
think that's more of what it waslike a portal out into it, and
then, once it was all over, it'slike I knew better.
And then it was like, okay, Ineed to self assess for real now
, because I don't want to feelthis way.
Yeah, so that's where all oflike the research and dig in and
(04:48):
getting certain certificationsand becoming more self-aware
became Really important to mebecause, yeah, that shit hurt.
Like, is there certain?
Speaker 1 (04:58):
things in these behaviors can, and we don't want
you to break each one of themdown.
That's probably another show.
We could just do another show.
We probably will do that.
We'll do a show on justattachment theory, because it's
very interesting.
Stuff like this is veryinteresting to me.
Um, is there, if we can do,like just a quick summary of
like something that you may seein each one, like like a
characteristic, so that you canSee, okay, this person is this
(05:20):
way or this person's?
That would not to say that youcould sum it up in one sentence
Because, like I said, I reallydo want to do another show on
this, but is there somethingthat you can see in a secure
person and an insecure person?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
so a secure person is somebody who's self-aware,
somebody who can be in arelationship.
And, let's say, a secure personyou get.
You get into an argument withyour partner.
You're not so easily triggeredoff of Something your partner
may say.
You're able to really assess.
Problem and you can talk thingsout for real, right then?
(05:51):
Then let's say, somebody who is, um, anxiously attached, say
you get into an argument withyour partner and you're
anxiously attached.
You might be somebody who yourpartner might be somebody like
myself.
Sometimes I have to walk away,like, hey, give me some time,
because if I might say the wrongthing and I don't want to say
the wrong thing, so I need torevisit this conversation, so I
(06:13):
will walk away.
If you're somebody who'sanxiously attached, you have to
have the conversation right now.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yes, I've dated people like that who do not want
to get on their phone without aresolution like Right.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Yeah, somebody who's probably anxiously attached.
Or you might be anxiouslyattached if your partner's
having a bad day At work andthey come home and maybe they're
wearing that energy on them andthen you make it in a way, you
make it all about you, likeyou're trying to please your
partner.
But you're only trying toplease your partner because you
want them to get out of this badmove so they can attend to you.
(06:44):
So you get what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
So that might be anxiously attached.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Somebody who's fearfully fearful of warden is
kind of like what I mentioned,somebody who, um, it's kind of
like a rollercoaster.
Like I might start off reallystrong In a relationship with
somebody, let's say, a guy thathas his stuff together.
I might be excited at first.
You know I'm saying I like himat first and you know, then
(07:09):
maybe he starts coming in reallystrong with things I'm not used
to because I'm not maybe I'mnot used to being treated that
well to my childhood and thingsthat went on in my household
because I grew up in a realco-dependent Household with a
lot of fighting, alcohol.
It was an unstable household,so that's kind of what I was
used to.
So when a guy's kind of, when aguy was stable and was trying
(07:32):
to give me things and treat mewell, it was just it was so
unfamiliar to me I was afraid Iwas going to mess it up.
That's what I'm thinking.
It was more on that.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Go ahead and, just like yo, get rid of them all
together.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Yeah, but I would let them as boredom right, Like I
would okay.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I've heard that before.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Yeah, like he was born and like he didn't
stimulate me in the right ways.
But now that I'm older and I'mable to look, it was more so of
me wanting to fix something,feeling that I had to be Worthy
to receive this type of love,and I didn't do anything
compared to other things,because that's what I was taught
(08:12):
in my household.
We don't have to work, floodeverything, including right.
That's this is a little bitabout.
And then, oh, dismissiveavoidance earths.
That might be somebody who wasraised.
Maybe your parents worked allthe time.
Maybe you grew up in a crazyhousehold where you were left
alone a lot, so you had toself-sude and you had you were
alone a lot.
(08:33):
So you grow up and you get intothese relationships and your
inner story may be to the effectof People leave so you don't
get attached.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
So I see, so you know , you never really formed that
attachment because you're so,yeah, they usually don't even
form it too much like that.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
You know they might have sex, but sex is not looked
at as the same to dismissive forsure, yeah, so that's a little
bit on those.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Because I would definitely want to talk.
We're gonna do a whole show onthat like.
Like that might be our reallylike legit Our next show, cuz
that's absolutely fascinating tome the different types.
And I remember you, j, being atat when I was at your studio
where we're doing our thing andyou were showing me your phone.
This is something I've neverforgotten, by the way.
Now you're gonna show me, like,your Facebook situation and
(09:22):
you're like I don't know if it'sFacebook dating or something DJ
, you had so many dudes in there, dj.
I was like.
I was like this is like amountain of men.
You had dudes coming in thathad left, dudes that came back
like.
I was like yo, this is a lot ofguys, so from from a guy
standpoint, it's complete.
Like yo, there's like a milliondudes out here and the kind of
(09:45):
guy I am, dj, they all thirstierthan me.
I'm not a thirsty dude like.
So I'm like how do I?
I don't have a shot out here.
You kidding me cuz I'm notpaying any attention.
I'm gonna send one message.
I'm gone like.
That's it.
I'm out of here.
I've already forgotten.
I sent that message.
After I've sent it, I think wetalked about this on the show.
Yeah, at least for me personally, part of my dating journey was
(10:06):
not putting so much emphasis onthe one message, not putting so
much emphasis on the oneCommunication.
You know, I mean I kind of domy communication and then move
on, boom, I'm out of here and ifthey hit back, they hit back,
they don't, they don't.
But when I looked at themountain of men you've had in
your, that's what name of yournext podcast should be.
You should be mountain, that'sthat's the name of it.
Should be mountain, themountain of men that DJ had in
(10:28):
her, in her, in your messages.
Want to know is this how doesanyone stick out?
How do you even choose one ofthose messages?
A bunch of dudes and some guysshirts on, some guys shirts off,
some look like business Do,some like regular dudes who just
took this photo selfie and it'skind of like, how do you?
How was anybody even stickingout to you?
(10:48):
Dj team like select on them.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
So now for me, cuz I know when I was younger, like yo
, I would just hit everybody upand then just try to keep up,
but then I would good luck withthat.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
But what I do do now, I really do try.
I actually need to get back on.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Anyway, into your message, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
A mountain of messages not being even seen and
attended to DJ Yo.
Let's just take a pause herefor all the people who looking
for love out here to the otherpeople that have millions of
Messages they're not evenresponding to.
They're not even on there andthey still getting those
messages to other dudes andwomen who are trying their
hardest.
They got 17 messages.
That's just a DJ's getting a.
She got 70 and she hadn't evenlooked at them.
I feel so bad.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I feel so bad I really want to get on there to
promote my stuff.
But see, that was it, I'm Iain't, I ain't used, that's why
some of a thing.
But Now I try to do, I try tolook at the person's profile
first.
I look at the message like Ineed something in depth.
Not too in depth because I'mnot too into the message,
(11:55):
because I've had a guy send melike a lot of different.
That guy said me their escortservices packages.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
I need a set.
Yo maybe need to put Messages.
My boss, you're sendingsomething like yo, brah herd.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
I want to know, like, what really has really?
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Prices go with these prices.
Looking like like.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
I don't know what radius for that as a male.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
That's bored out here .
Speaker 2 (12:23):
It look like they go on.
I'm trying to remember this wasa while back.
I know like to just spend time,not have sex, just get like
girlfriend treatment.
I think he was two, threehundred dollars for that, for
like a night.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Oh, I am quitting my job.
What am I out here fuckingworking my life away for when I
can just show up and get pay acouple hundred bucks for
conversation?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
I'll give it a lot of women, they, they looking for
that, ali, I guess he found hisniche.
I don't know.
I get these messages about Sadstories to three paragraphs.
I don't know another, anotherone looking for sympathy and
money.
Like I get these word messagesand then I'll get no, hey,
(13:07):
what's up, what's up, sexy,somebody might say something
about my big lid.
Like I don't like thosemessages.
Like you gotta be a.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
The physical messages , the messages that are
commenting on anything physicalYou're not a fan of not, not
anymore.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I remember the pants, thank you, no, not, no more.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yeah, a lot of women.
I've heard a lot of women saythat as a matter.
Yeah right.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
So not no more, you just gotta come correct,
introduce yourself.
I'll respond to those messagesjust introducing yourself.
And now I'm more open to.
I don't have a, I have a tight,but then I'm more open, like
I'll reach out if your messageis right and then just see what
a conversation.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So what is the right message?
Can we just write it right now?
Can we just write it for thesedudes?
Speaker 2 (13:54):
I would.
What is a message that?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
get DJ Absolutely the pageant, because that's just
part.
If a guy writes a good message,dj, that's just getting you to
look at them.
You didn't even like reachedout to them yet.
That's just getting over thefirst of having you even just
look at their message.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
I might not be the right person, because I the last
person I messaged was it was,it was a situation, was a me
trying something.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Let me think about another message, because I'm
like that one might not be.
Is there, if you couldn't writethe word specifically Is there
a theme of a message that youfeel like it's better for for
for men I know going for men towomen situation Is there a theme
message that a guy can write towear a woman like?
Maybe the theme will be just Isit saying something funny?
Is it mentioning, maybe,something she's wearing?
(14:39):
Is it mentioning a picture thatshe has?
Is there a theme I candefinitely?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
mention in something, um, definitely mentioning
something funny, I'm not gonnalie, is something that will
attract me as well.
Mentioning something funny, um,and then also Even being
intentional, like stayed in kindof shortly what your intentions
are like, or asking me what youknow, what am I doing on the
(15:03):
app, like what brings me tofacebook, and then just and just
the message just got to besomewhat of an Intentional
because a lot of these dudesdon't they?
Just kind of what you said.
I just send out one message andI just see what you know.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Ask the wide net is what we got to do.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
You know, I feel like you come up with a general
message that comes offintentional, then um cast that
wide net with it.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
So I don't know like, so I'm not that, yeah, I'm kind
of simple, nothing about it,but there was the left to your
point.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
This is the when you asked me about a message, one
that really caught my eye.
So this guy was Polly, my mom.
He was Polly.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Polly, a Polly lifestyle, for that's multiple
lovers for people.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Polly lifestyle is yeah, he was interesting
lifestyle, by the way, veryinteresting lifestyle very
interesting.
I've learned that it's not forme.
I've tried it a couple times.
I've learned?
Speaker 1 (15:57):
it's not for me but yet another show idea that we
just have.
We've come up with two or threemore shows on here.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I'll talk about my experiences and why they weren't
.
I've had a couple ofexperiences, but his message was
so genuine and so on, like hewanted to make it clear, like,
did I read his profile?
He just was really intentional.
I think that's my big thing,like being intentional, like in
your message, to some degree, toshow like hey, I'm really on
(16:26):
this app trying to meet Dave,like I need to see that, like
that, hey, what's up?
You know, I don't even respondto those because I'll respond
and then the dude will be onlylooking for a pen pal.
That's like.
I'm trying to get out in thestreets like I'm not looking for
no damn pen pal.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Yeah, you and me both .
I'm not with that.
You know those people that geton these apps and they want a
message for like a month, likeyo.
What do you think I'm gonnawaste my time here?
You think I wanted this text?
Well, I can be text pals withyou because, basically, what
you're doing you know what Imean I'm not texting you, but
I'm you doing the same methodthrough an app, whether it's
you're doing social media,whether you're doing dating,
it's pretty much you're justtexting messages on your phone,
(17:03):
reaching out to another humanbeing.
And when, in dating apps, justlike he said, it's a being
intentional right, most peopleare on there for intentional
reasons, like there.
There are some people out thereplaying games, but there's
people who aren't, and I thinkthat it's good to identify which
one of those people that youare like.
Are you a person that's playinggames or your person?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
This is other apps for that, like, get on a big old
, like you can be friends withpeople.
Okay, I don't play with this.
Don't play with your mom, like,don't play with me about no, go
, finish that statement.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
No, I'll just say don't play with me.
That's all they.
Uh, what about any negative, oris there?
So we just talked about thepositive.
Make be able to jump outsomething that jumps out to you
where you like, yo, all right,but I can at least, uh, engage
this person in conversation.
What is now?
Let's go to the opposite end ofthe spectrum.
What do you look at you like?
Instantly like, oh hell, no,like, like, no, not a chance.
(17:56):
This person's getting a message.
No, is it looks?
Is it physical?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Keep it above DJ.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
DJ In there and be like hell.
No, you see this.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
What else?
Sometimes it's physical, andthen there's um.
I'm trying to think about if Igot a message now.
Girls another time a guy sentme like a two-page letter about
his life and how he wasstruggling, how he just wanted a
girl to be there for him.
I'm like, damn, I need to checkmy.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Yeah, I don't know, I need to change the pictures on
my profile with some I wouldhave.
What the hell am I trying toBecause that?
That was a hell?
No, for me, um, what else?
Uh, the, the, um, the otherstory I gave you about the the
escort, that wasn't the hell, no, that was.
That was an entertainingconversation for two days until
(18:59):
I finally just left him alreadyBecause he was yo so did he give
you his prices up front?
Speaker 1 (19:03):
I'm really.
The escort situation is reallyinteresting.
Hey look I might need a newline of work, I mean he didn't
give him to me a friend.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I wish I could find his messages.
Just uh, it wasn't a front, itwas just more so him letting me
know.
You know he was, and he didn'teven use the word escort, he
used.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I'll have.
That's too strong.
He probably didn't want to comeon very strong like let me ease
it in there.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
We made it clear, like you know, I'm, you know I'm
just out here basically what hesaid.
But he basically just made itclear, like you know, I'm just
out here, you know, making surethat women are good, but it was
in this, it was in his own wayof putting in and just made him
know like it's gonna cost youmoney.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Yo, so did you like it?
So you did you pull that fromhis comments, because I I need
the sheet right in the menu, bro, I need you to pull.
I asked him.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I was like so how much?
That's what I got, the two to300.
So how much do you charge likefor certain stuff?
You know, because I have totalk to him a little bit, but
I'm gonna find those messagesand I'm gonna, I'm gonna
screenshot him and I'm gonnasend him to you.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, man because I wanted to.
That's that's an interestingconversation to have, because I
you know what's funny is.
So I've talked to a lot of guyswho, um, and luckily I've
avoided this dj, I've avoidedthis like but but duty shop.
I believe him because he showedme.
So he had a list and he waslike man.
Every time I started to getclose to women on these apps,
(20:28):
they end up asking me for moneyat some point.
They end up asking me sendingme their list, sending me their
menu and stuff like that.
And I'm like how has this neverhappened to me?
And how has it happened so muchto this other person?
Because he did have a, he had a, his block list, because he's
like yo, I'll block him everytime.
And he was scrolling up hisblock list.
He could scroll a few differenttimes up his block list.
(20:49):
So I was like yo, what is hedoing where he's getting so many
women?
That's like asking him theselines of questions and I just
never had gotten this before.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Okay, so me.
We've done a few podcaststogether and you've always
seemed like you were intentional, right With who you chose, who
you date.
You always came off intentional.
I had another dude come on mypodcast maybe about a month or
two after you and he was havingthe same issues here in Atlanta
is just different Every time Igo out on a date with a girl she
(21:20):
ends up asking for money.
Or I took a girl out on a dateand once I house and there was
no food in her refrigerator so Ibought a groceries and then I
just never spoke to him again.
But then he turned around andhe said well, if you act like
the fun girl, I'm gonna treatyou like the fun girl.
So that means you entertainingher.
So if you entertaining her andyou know she's a fun girl, of
(21:44):
course she's gonna tell her,she's gonna ask you for
something.
And it sounds like he knew fromJohn yeah, she come off like
she's a fun girl, but I'm gonnahave fun with her.
What you expect.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
I guess.
So I know it's interestingbecause now it's gonna maybe
kind of have to revisit.
I should go back my bro,because I did tell him this like
, since you're the only commondenominator, it's something,
it's some energy that's beinggiven off, bro, like something,
I'm not sure what it is, butyou're giving off some energy
that's attracted, this energyback to you.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
These dudes be.
These dudes be entertaining andthey'll entertain just to see
how far they can go until maybethe girl asked for something, or
they'll just see how far theycan take it and then she'll
she'll pop up and ask forsomething.
But I feel like if you'reintentional about dating and
about how you're puttingyourself out there while you're
(22:34):
dating, what you your, yourdating life will reflect back to
you what you're putting outthere.
So if you're only if you're onlyif you're, only if you're only
if you're entertaining a fungirl because she's fun and
you're trying to have fun.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I want to do.
You know what I mean.
Listen, we'll entertain somestuff.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Yeah, because you got one of something real serious
too, but he took in everythingthat came his way, including
those girls.
So you won't run into.
That's just my perspective, myopinion you entertaining these
people and you getting, youmaking them comfortable enough
to ask for word right,especially here in the A.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
there's no shortage, I'll tell you that right now,
there's no shortage of humanbeings in the A who's willing to
get that check, that money upoff of you, like there's,
there's zero.
If you're a band Atlanta, you'regonna know exactly what I'm
talking about and you know.
So one of the last things I wantto talk about here on this show
is how do you and I think we'vetalked about this before, and
that's kind of like the, thepreferences versus the deal
(23:36):
breakers yet another show thatwe could just do a whole show on
which we might.
We've come up with like fourshows, this show, so we've come
up with our next, like three tofour shows with the preview, and
then we're actually deep diveon these, because this is what
I've talked about with severaldifferent people and I'm always
interested to hear what one isversus the others, because you
know what ends up happening islike, well, I might have a
laundry list of deal breakersand, and as I talked to a lot of
(23:57):
women, one of the things I'vediscovered and maybe this is the
same we would mend to is thatthat list gets shorter as you
get older, like so, when you'reyounger, that list starts off a
mile long.
As you get it started to getolder, you start to scratch some
things off the list.
Like, well, I'll take thismaybe.
maybe at the beginning, like Idon't want to man with no kids,
then I'll take one who doesn'tlive with him, I'll take one
that does live with him, but asa teenager I'll take a toddler,
I'll take anything like.
(24:17):
So it kind of goes down withtime, with with time.
Now, what do you?
Is that something that you seeand something that you're kind
of familiar with, kind of havingwhat is a strong preference
versus what is an absolute dealright here?
Speaker 2 (24:32):
I know a lot of my friends I never had and that was
a.
Let me tell you that was a partof my problem back in the day,
like I didn't have too manyboundaries.
I don't think I want to seethis is the type I want, the
fine ass dude.
I didn't care what he had goingon, kind of like when I was
young.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
That's a guy's perspective.
You're talking about how guysdo.
That's the cool stuff you do.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
That's the cool stuff that I had there.
You know, I'm saying like Ididn't really have that.
I didn't care what he was, whathe had going on, like I said, I
was a fixer-upper, like let mehelp you, I always had my stuff
together and it was just kind oflike you know, I can help you,
you, you know so unfortunately,I had to help you.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
You're housing these dudes.
Man, put these dudes in thehouse put them up you.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
They say, yeah, I'll take.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
I'll take care of.
I got you.
I'm settled on my financials,you know I'm like what are you
looking for?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I'm gonna help you you know, but I had to really
get out to the point where I'mgonna help you.
I wasn't that I wasn't that badwhere I was putting them up in
housing stuff, but I was thetype who, okay, you say you want
to do this, let me help you dothis.
And if I had to, whatever I hadto do to help, I would help.
But it'd be me pouring, pouring, pouring, pouring in to build
(25:37):
this person up and I wasn'tgetting anything in return.
So I didn't have a lot ofboundaries.
Which means I didn't have a lotof boundaries.
It means I didn't really have alot of preferences versus what
is non-negotiable Deal breakers.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Because a lot of times people, that's what people
tend to have yeah now in me.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
My list is still short.
Like I said, I didn't reallyhave one before.
Now I'm on the show.
Now it's like okay, you have torespect my boundaries.
You give me any type of redflag.
You don't respect my boundaries.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
You have to draw.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
I don't give you down .
How fine it is.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
So that's one of them , right?
Speaker 2 (26:17):
That's just sounds like a deal like three, right,
so that's just having justboundaries.
Mine is just having boundariesnow, like because I didn't have
any before, because I didn'tknow where I began and where
another person ended.
So another person never endedand always needed, needed,
needed, needed, needed.
I would just give, give, give,because I didn't know where I
ended or where I began.
So now it's now.
(26:39):
It's understanding myboundaries, understanding and, I
guess, something within myboundaries.
I don't mind somebody who havekids, I don't think I don't mind
somebody who have kids, as longas you're taking care of your
kids and you ain't dealing withthe BM, I think you're dealing
with Right.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Right.
Is that that's like having themany issues, Because I've never
really had to deal with that.
What like if I date a womanwith them?
I haven't really had to dealwith like any baby father drama,
Like they may have it, but itnever kind of spilled over, you
know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah, that's all I would want, because I know for
me that's.
I gave every man that that Idated.
Because I have an 11 year old.
I deal with big drama betweenme and him but it never spilled
over, like the guy would neverknow.
You know I'm trying to thinkand then preferences back in the
day he had to be six to sixover six, six pack.
(27:29):
Yeah, absolutely, that was goodto my own stuff, why he had to
be so tall now you know, herelast guy talked to you and very
close to my height, so you knowI've grown.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
So you've, you've, you've, you've dropped down.
So what was that like droppingdown like an inch every, every,
every year?
So how long did it take youdown?
To from where you started.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
No, it was drag.
Well, I'm about six years.
Like I said once, I reallystarted with like I don't, six,
seven years, because for thelongest he had to be tall.
I don't want him to be tall.
Now it's like he ain't got tobe that tall, but that took a
while for me to get over that.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
So that was why I think that is because that's a
physical preference, you thatthink that you just that's just
your physical preference, justkind of changing yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I think I just was following the trend because I'm
really not, I don't really careabout the height.
Well, he can't be four foot two.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Now you know, I'm saying, oh wow, wow, two dudes
like you know just as soon asyou got put in, you just been
put back out for all you guyswho felt like yo now we got a
shot, now you can put backoutside by DJ.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
No, five to six and over, is you know?
That's good, that's generous.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
That's generous from what a lot of women are, because
I wouldn't listen.
They don't five foot, nothing,and it's over with me.
It's over with like we're nineguys over with, we're not
getting nothing.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
That's crazy.
No, five foot six and over isfive.
I got over the stupid stigma ofa guy got to be a certain
height.
A guy got to be this, a guy gotto be that.
Um, I don't see, I wouldn't be.
I'm not the best in this yearbecause I'm still.
I'm still learning mypreferences, my background Are
we all.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
I don't know if it ever.
Is it ever done, DJ?
I don't think it is.
I don't think it is.
I don't think that you everreally stop, because you don't
stop evolving as a person.
I mean, if you're living lifecorrectly, there's going to be
constant evolution, things thatyou learn from each previous
year to where you take it intothe next year like, okay, yo, a
little bit more wise, and I feellike some of those preferences
kind of change with that rightwhich is growing as a human
(29:32):
being.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Absolutely.
So I say, yeah, I don't have, Inever had, I didn't have any
before and now I only have a few.
I probably can list a wholebunch of things that I know I
won't stand for.
But as far as like preferencesand and then deal breakers, you
know the person got to respectmy mind.
You know I've been inrelationships where guys will
try to dumb me down, dim mylight, like things like that.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
So what would they do ?
Like when you say dim you'relike or dumb you down, like,
where is that?
Like talking to you andcondescending fashions.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Is that what?
Yeah, condescending fashions,or that's basically talking to
me and condescending fashion.
I ain't never had nobody likeinsult me, like directly.
Like you know, somebody caninsult you directly like oh you
yo, that's like super toxic,though, right.
Like if, do like if you go intothe crib.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
You being insulted at your house by by your sister.
That sucks, that sucks.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
My first relationship , none of my personal.
My second one I wasn't aphysically abusive one, so after
that yeah, I was.
I wasn't that, and I'm gonnatake that back down to was
verbally abusive as well.
So I did deal with that andafter that relationship, okay,
well, that's something I'm notgonna tolerate anymore, but that
was a very good relationship.
I was a teenager.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
So you got out the way pretty quick.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I got that one out of the way pretty quick.
I hate that I went through that, but I'm one of those people,
unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
I'm very hard at it, so especially have to go through
a few things before you reallyhave to to figure out some stuff
.
And you know what's crazy is.
As I've looked at the notes youknow I've taken notes this
entire show Let me see I see one, two.
Okay, let's say three.
All right, I see three moreshows here.
More shows.
(31:16):
It's just from this oneconversation that we've had.
It was one half an hourconversation.
There's gonna be a few moreshows, just based on what we've
talked about here.
Tell the people where they canfind you at DJ.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
So you can find me on all social media platforms.
At playing the number fourkeeps app.
You will see my podcast clipsthere, you can get access to see
my video podcast and my audiopodcast, and you have access to
the data and app as well.
So check us out.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Amazing, amazing.
This is Reggie Chil.
Check us out, stay at yourheart.
Radio, google podcast, applepodcast, spotify, wherever you
find your podcast.
See you next time.
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