July 31, 2023 • 48 mins
In this episode Reggie and Dannielle explore the intricate dance of controlling vs. relationship standards, diving into the case of a beach photo deletion request that led to a breakup.
From discussing the art of expressing preferences without coming off as possessive to navigating delicate topics like physical appearance, we strive to help you enhance your understanding of relationship dynamics.
In the latter part of our discussion, we talk about the balance of attraction and control in relationships and emphasize the need to consider your partner's feelings, uphold personal standards, and suggest alternative solutions. We also reflect on the evolving importance of physical attraction through different relationship stages and how breakups can sometimes serve as catalysts for self-improvement.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This Reggie atl coming to you from the lovely
city of Atlanta, Georgia, goingout to the Nell in California,
but she's not in front of awindow.
I can't see if it is sunny ornot.
The now I'm just going toassume it is.
I mean, this is LA.
Right, you got to assume thatit's just always sunny there.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
That's a great assumption and it is, and it's
actually what the second week orsecond week of our heat wave.
So we're sweating.
I'm indoors, where I shouldalways be, because it doesn't
make any sense.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
What is?
What is that heat wave in Cali?
Is that like 80 degrees?
I wait, what is that like?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Oh, we're sitting 80 degrees.
That's nice, that's regularwe're like 90, 96, getting over
100 almost.
It's that it's at a hand.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I'm not here for it.
That's typical.
Like for us anyway for us, not,not, not not, for I know you
guys aren't used to this kind ofstuff, but that's typical
Georgia.
So how hot is it during summer?
Like typical July in Georgia.
Atlanta, you can hit those 90sLike pretty, pretty routinely.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
But it's a different kind of heat.
It's dry and it just sits onyou and like I've been in New
Orleans when I'm in Miami, so Iknow that humidity, you kind of
just you feel it.
But dry it sneaks up on youLike all you, all you have is
hot.
It's when you feel hot.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
You know, there's some people who had went to like
Death Valley and like actuallydied there.
Like this one older gentlemanwent there and it was like 100
and like it was like 128, 125 orsomething like that.
That wasn't too long ago.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
That would happen like maybe last week or so,
about a week or so ago, you knowso it's hot, definitely, and
you don't have to go to DeathValley over here you just go
hiking period, forget your water, get lost a little risk in life
, risk in life to hike.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Do you hike anyway?
You know like, yeah, you don'tstrike me as a hiker.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
No, I do.
I mean I was in Washington fora long time in the state and is
that right A passage inWashington Is that like you're
like I've been watching.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Of course I hike.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
You have to.
If you don't, people will getyou a little funny Like why are
you, why are you here then?
Like what?
So what brought you here?
Somebody kidnapped you.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
It is a must.
It's interesting because Iwanted to have you on today,
because I it is.
This is an interesting subject,ok, so, because there's always
a this is a relationship dynamic, and I'm not necessarily
because I'm a heterosexualmyself.
I'm pretty sure this exists inother ways.
I'm not sure this is just aheterosexual issue, and this is
(02:32):
going to be kind of likecontrolling versus standards.
And I read an article recentlyand it's about this this woman
had made a social media postthat had gone viral, that she
had wore I guess she had bathingsuit pictures or beach pictures
.
She says they weren'tnecessarily bathing suit
pictures, from what I'm readinghere, they were like beach
(02:53):
pictures, right, and they theywere on her social media and her
boyfriend one of them deleted.
So she deleted him and she gothim out.
She got, she didn't kill him,but she got.
She dumped him, though shedumped the boyfriend, and this
is always something that's beensuper fascinating to me to know,
(03:15):
because I genuinely believethat there is.
If you decide to get into arelationship with somebody,
there's concessions you got tomake right.
There's, like this, certainconcessions like if you're and
I'll give you a sample of aperson's impulse I had a friend
of mine who his this hashappened a while back ago.
I would say this is maybe likefive, ten years ago.
(03:36):
Easy, he had someone to breakup with him.
They were in a long-termrelationship.
They ended up breaking up andone of the things he he didn't
like was that he was like man,she's always like checking up on
me, man and like wants to knowwhere I'm going, what I'm doing
and stuff like that.
I was like bro, it's called arelationship, like that's called
.
Like yeah, I don't want to knowwhere you're sitting.
(03:57):
Do you think about this?
To know?
Could you imagine somebodyasking you about where even your
family member is?
That you know that's not even arelationship.
And you back hey, where's yourroommate?
Let's just go, roommate, Idon't know.
I haven't seen him in a fewmonths.
I don't know, I'm not sure youknow.
(04:17):
It's like you probably knowwhere your good friends, family,
roommates, people that areimportant in your life you
probably know where they're at.
You know what I mean, at leastwhere they could be.
You don't necessarily need tosay, hey, they're over at
Chick-fil-A or this McDonald'son this particular street, like
you don't need to have specifics, but I really feel like you
(04:38):
probably know, right, like thevicinity of where this human
being is.
Is that crazy?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
I know.
I think it's reasonable, itmakes sense, especially nowadays
because you have so muchinteraction through social media
and other things.
So unless you actually check inwith somebody, how do you
really know or at least likesend an update?
It's like two seconds to send atext message I'm here or over
here you can.
It was a Google you could sharewhere you're at.
So they didn't have to ask you,you could just share your
(05:04):
location with all your friends,so I don't think that's
unreasonable for somebody to belike hey, you know, just check
in.
You're alive, because I careabout you.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
How are you going to get mad?
How are you?
How are you super upset at that?
And I feel like there's linesand we'll discuss the other
implications of that, but juststicking with this, and I told
them, and they end up breakingup, right, because of course she
was like you know, he wanted tokind of hang out and stuff like
that.
And one of the things is, ifyou're used to and maybe people
(05:35):
who have been single for a longtime have this issue more, you
know, because they're just soused to having their own time
right, they're so used to nothaving that like answer to
anybody.
They're so used to being ableto just go out the house.
Maybe they come back a weeklater, maybe they just randomly
go on a trip they could dowhatever they want.
But when you are deciding thatyou're going to be with somebody
, this is one of the concessionsthat you're going to have to
(05:58):
have, right, you're going tohave to probably talk to that
person.
You probably got to tell themwhat you were.
When they ask you what you'redoing tonight.
They're not trying to controlyour life, they just probably
just really want to know whatyou are getting into tonight.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Maybe they want to know what they may be getting
into tonight.
Right, like, maybe I'll getinto something together.
Were you not doing that before?
You guys like to find therelationship or anything.
They were just like no, I justcome and go with a please.
Okay, that's just weird, that'sweird right.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
It's weird.
It's a weird way of dealingwith life and that's kind of
like where I had kind of had tobreak it down to him.
I was like, bro, like you stillwant to be like single, you
still want singlecharacteristics.
Like you want to date somebodyand have single man
characteristics.
I was like you just need tostay single, bro.
Like if you don't want to checkit up and you want to hang out,
you want to bro out on theweekends and stuff like that.
Like you need to just staysingle because it's not a lot of
(06:48):
people going to want to dealwith that.
Have you ever heard anybody inthese situations like that,
Because that's me from like amale situation.
Have you ever had any femalefriends, associates and stuff
like that who didn't really likeor maybe felt like guys are
checking up on them too much orasking questions about their
whereabouts and maybe, fromanother person's perspective,
just been like a relationshipquestion?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I feel like most of the women that I've known,
especially like the serialdaters they want to know every
like, every movie.
He's not asking me what I'mdoing.
He doesn't care.
That's how they see it.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I know A little bit right, because I made it
something.
If I'm not asking you.
I got my own thing popping.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Exactly Like what's going on then.
But I definitely feel likethere's a fine line to where
it's like every hour or so.
If he's not sending a messageor texting or liking a photo,
then I've got issues and I needto know where he is.
Of course, when you getelevates to that level, of
course you think, hey, you'relike chill, you got some
security problems, relax.
(07:44):
But if it's just like you'regoing three or four days and
nothing, yeah, that's an issuewhere we got problems.
And if you take offense by herasking like, hey, when are you
going to be home, instead ofjust being automatically
offended like you're in mybusiness, what are you talking
about?
And at least ask like hey, whyyou want to know?
Like I'm making you food, Iwould like to go spend time with
(08:07):
you when you get home, likethat kind of stuff.
So I have an idea how toorganize my day pretty much.
So it's like lack ofconsideration on.
That would be definitely a redflag and he was getting offended
by that.
But I would expect him to atleast want to know how my day
went or what's going on.
But he doesn't need to knowevery single detail or ask me
(08:28):
every single detail if hedoesn't want to.
So I think it's a level of likedo you actually care about this
person at all?
Because it's like when you havekids, if you have children,
you're going to want to knowwhere they are.
What's going on, so I wouldn'tbe significant either.
That part, that part when willyou return?
I'm like it's like people goingout on journeys and stuff and
(08:50):
never hearing from them.
Send a letter, dear John.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Not even corresponding whatsoever.
They're just out theresomewhere.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Yeah, exactly Like do you check up on your friends?
You're like, hey, bro, proof oflife, especially when you get
older, because then it becomesconcerning when you're in old
age, like there's been somepeople who passed away and it's
been weeks before anybodynoticed.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I don't want to be that person.
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
So how does that dynamic work for you?
Like, have you been that personwho might be?
Because I feel like this isgoing to break it down and we're
going to break it down and likeinto different categories.
And I feel like this alsobreaks down the nail into like
where you are at in yourrelationship.
So, when my friend inparticular, they were already in
a long term, they'd alreadybeen dating for a couple of
years, so it's not like this waslike she's she's hitting you up
(09:34):
after a week asking like you'reaware about you know what I
mean.
Like you, you guys are together, bro, like you've been dating.
So there's.
Do you feel like there is aline?
Because ultimately it's goingto be.
If we were to look at what thisepisode is about, it's kind of
like about possessiveness versusjust caring about a person,
right, and the thin line thatkind of lies between those.
(09:57):
Because you can care about aperson, it's different for me to
ask what time are you gettingoff work for?
Just asking, just right,because in my opinion, because
I've been in a free relationship, this is just like genuine
relationship every day, stuff.
Like it's not even that thoughtabout.
(10:19):
You know what I mean.
It's not that calculated.
I feel like there's adifference between that and me.
Just like waiting outside yourjob, like in that car.
I've been out here for twohours.
Where are you coming out?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Like oh, you said you were at work, but I checked
your location.
You're not there.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
You're not there.
What's going on?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
No, we're not trying to be at that level, but
especially if you've been in along term relationship, you're
more like why isn't thatcommonplace and why are you
getting offended now?
Were you offended before or isthis like a new development and
you're trying to hide somethingLike?
I might have to ask you somemore follow up questions.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Have you ever felt the need for that?
Where is that in Denel's lifeLike?
Where has that fell for you?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I don't feel like I've ever felt the need.
I've been very independent ingeneral, so I'm not the type of
person who's going to constantlylike, hey, what were you at?
What's going on, who's doingthis?
All that kind of stuff If youdon't want to tell me.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
I'm going to tell you what it is.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I should trust you enough to not have to do all of
that.
And I'm also working, I'm busy,I got things going on trying to
develop a career as well, so Iwould expect him to be doing the
same.
So of course there's going tobe times where we're not texting
or talking all day, but it onlytakes a moment to say, hey, I'm
going in this meeting, you wantto chat later?
Or hey, just thinking about youfor a second, like little
(11:41):
things like that Cool.
You know, I have been thatperson where it's like, oh hey,
you didn't say anything to meall day, what's going on?
I was like, oh my bad, I wasjust busy, you know, out of
sight and out of mind a littlebit.
So I've had to learn to do thata little bit more.
I guess it all depends on whatkind of person you're in a
relationship with.
If they're getting back to it,their love language is
(12:03):
communication and time, ofcourse you're going to have to
go feed into that or point intothat cup.
But if you're with person who'smore like an axe kind of person
, then you might have to show up, pop up at work, you know,
bring them flowers, send them agift or something like that.
There's all different ways tokind of meet the needs of
whoever you're with.
It doesn't always have to bejust like what are you doing,
(12:23):
where are you at?
Kind of messages and stuff likethat.
So I think you should beflexible in a relationship and
that's what I expect from me oranybody else that I'm with.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Now, you know, what's interesting is we're going to
cut, because that was kind oftouching on maybe like the
whereabouts, like where a personis located.
I find that's just basis forrelationship.
I'm not dating somebody who Icannot locate.
I'm just going to just let mejust go ahead and throw that out
there right now.
So she's in my heart.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Where are you?
Where's Waldo?
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Because, like you said, I'm not the kind of guy to
just like obsess over it.
We just can't be together.
Like I'm not going to obsessover, like you know, I'm not
going to like stalk our person,I'm not going to try to track
your location and everythinglike that.
It's just a situation where,like, if you can't have the
common courtesy from, like I'mat work, it takes a second to
say that right, like that's noteven you don't have to do
(13:12):
anything.
Like you, it's a quick textmessage or something I'm at work
or busy doing, whatever youknow, but I don't feel like
there's anything.
So, in your opinion, that's notstrange.
So we're going to take that off.
That that's not strange in arelationship to ask about where
a person is OK.
So we got that one taken careof.
Now let's move on to more sothe clothing and this, and this
(13:32):
is where this can become anissue.
So fast and now.
Ok, but coming up yeah right, ohGod, have you ever dealt with
it?
Did I like?
Yo like, where are you goingwith those shorts, have you ever
?
Maybe you just don't dress likea Harley.
Have you ever heard of wordHarley before?
Have you heard that use in asentence?
I was.
I was determined to use that ina sentence on this show and I
(13:55):
succeeded.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
I have not heard Danelle and Harlett in the same
tense before, thank you.
Thank you for that, reggie.
I was actually.
That's what it's all buildingup to.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
I'm breaking ground here on this show.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I'm here, maybe a Jezebel or two, but never a
Harlett.
I would say, yes, I have had amoment where it was like well,
what are you wearing now?
I was like, but you know, youmet me like this, this is not
new.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
You see everything I have on Instagram.
Pull the like, yo.
You just see my.
You see in the ground.
That's what.
That's what got you here.
That's that's what Danelle issaying.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
And the audacity and turn around and be like now you
got to be matron.
I was like, no, you can't.
You.
You caught the baddie.
That's what it is.
You don't have the baddie allthe way through.
She's not going to turn intothe mother board afterwards.
Stop playing, Stop.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Yo, that is hilarious .
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And I feel like that's almost a control issue
thing too, because I feel likethey they can say something to
you.
If they won't say something tothe men or whoever else they
feel is giving you unwantedattention, they have all the
smoke for the person that'sright next to them because
they're easy to access and Ifeel like I can kind of talk to
you any old way, but you knowthe one of his boys.
If somebody random comes up andthey're like, oh hey, your girl
(15:08):
looking good, like let me getout.
You like trying to saysomething, you don't feel like
you can really really stand yourground or say something to him.
So like I'm going to go for thenext best thing, which is her,
so I could control her.
So she, she can't wear thatanymore, you can't do that
anymore, you can't do this.
I felt there's a differencebetween being having respect in
(15:28):
a relationship for the personthat you're with If something is
too much for them.
I think you would have knownthat beforehand, like especially
when you were dating them.
The whole process, like youthought I was just wearing this
just to catch you.
No 24, seven me.
I think some guys have to wakeup to that or realize it or be
able to handle that kind ofstuff Like it's not a me problem
(15:49):
, it's you problem at that point.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
So where's the line at then to know with?
Because there's an.
I'll give us a personal story.
I had a, and this is mydaughter's mother.
This is a long time ago andthis is really the only time
I've had this issue.
I've never been a guy that'slike pulling out the tape
measure for for link and stufflike that.
Like, hey, can you put your armsdown next to you?
(16:11):
I need to see if we can get youknow past those fingertips.
I've never been that guy.
To be honest with you, and I doagree with if you date a people
that are attractive, otherpeople are going to be attracted
to them, and I think that's nomatter what they wear.
To be honest with you, I wouldagree, so you can't be a jealous
person dating attractive people.
It's just going to your life'sgoing to be various.
You're making it hard onyourself.
(16:32):
You know what I mean.
I mean, is there a line though?
Because with her in particular,she's had this pair of pants
that she used to wear, and itwas really only just, literally
just this pair of pants.
She pair of pants I want to saythey were like white pants, but
they were see through.
You go like see through themand I see like, oh, why are you
wearing those pants?
Like, are you kidding me?
You walked out like you know,your ass is out, like you're
(16:53):
just, like you know, justshowing your ass.
You're like, oh, I really likethese pants, you know, blah,
blah, blah.
And I'm not like, like I said,I'm very much a to each his own
kind of person.
So I don't believe in trying tochange people Because, for one,
I believe it's a feudal effortlike trying to change grown
people's.
Feudal, like people eventuallyare going to be themselves, like
no matter how you try to moldthem one way or the next.
So she, this was just this pairof pants, and we used to get
(17:16):
into a lot of arguments to knowover this, over this pair of
pants.
Just this one pair of pants.
We used to get into so manyarguments and I remember later
on her, her mother coming tovisit.
She put those pants on and hermother got her, and I felt so
vindicated.
I felt so vinegar just fromCalifornia, so something cow.
So her mother came to visitfrom Cali and she and she throws
(17:38):
, she throws the pants on and Iwas like yo, you know, you can
like see through those pants andI would be like oh my.
God, I can't you, just it's notme.
And yes, because I'm like yo,it's not me being some raging
obsessive dude.
You can literally see throughthese pants, like is there,
where is that, where is thatmoment at?
And they're like is there aline there where you, like legit
(17:58):
, could approach this concernwithout sounding like some kind
of possessive idiot?
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
I think it's how you say it and also having
alternatives.
You could have approached thissubject and like hey, you know
what I don't?
I don't really like those, orthis is, I would prefer to be
dressed in this way a little bit, or bring items like hey,
here's some clothes.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
I got three pairs of pants for you.
You can go shopping.
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Yes, let's go shopping.
I want to take you shopping,let me.
Let me show you some thingslike all that that looks really
good on you.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Oh, I like better alternatives.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
And she's more active .
Like, ok, like he likes this,and my man likes when I wear
this, like you will get so manygirls is blushing to say, oh my
God.
He likes when I wear this tothank you.
Like, take her shop and sitthere in the dressing room and
watch her put on some clothes.
Like, if you don't want to wearcertain stuff, why don't you
get her other things?
Well, and it's also, I'm surethere's some items that you wore
(18:54):
or had that she was not a fanof.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
So yeah, I feel like part of that, you know, is like
conversation, right, like youhave conversation because it in
end end, like I wouldn'tnecessarily say in my defense in
this particular situation,because there wasn't really my,
my, I would love to say mywardrobe was exciting enough for
her to get mad about.
But it's totally not.
It's hard to get mad about.
(19:18):
T-shirt and jeans is toodifficult to excite in any
direction.
But it was kind of like, whenI'm thinking about it, just you
know, whether it's futuresituations or the situation in
general, there are certainthings that I will.
If a person says, hey, I don'tlike that color on you, I don't
feel like she's being likecontrolling I just won't buy
(19:38):
that color.
Or you know what I mean, I will, I will buy.
You see them saying I thoughtthat's just part of like Meeting
in the middle of just a, reallythe compromises that kind of
come with a relationship.
If that makes it that makessense.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Yeah, no, no, completely understand, and I
would agree with that too.
But I, like I said this,there's ways to approaches like
hey, you know, that's toorevealing.
Or like hey, you know that Idon't know if that's really
flattering on you.
I kind of like this one alittle bit better.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
There's different ways to say the same thing and I
think that's what people aremissing a little bit.
So you know another thing toowhen it comes to this, is hair
okay here, now I have okay, so Ihave to, I have to bring myself
, I have to bring you treadlightly ready, tread lightly.
I have to bring it up because Ibelieve that there is a
(20:22):
difference and I'm gonna hairdifference.
I'm gonna go the same thingwith the hair difference as, or
the hair example.
I'm gonna do the same thing asjust a body example in general
and I'm gonna do it for formales and for females.
I'm gonna do it like mysituation, but I'm also gonna do
it on the female side, for amale as well.
So For my situation particular,I like certain hairstyle.
So if I meet a person and aperson has like Shoulder length
(20:46):
hair, I'm not saying like downher back or whatever, but I like
something, something growingout of it, something growing out
of your head.
You know what I mean.
That's just my preference and Ibelieve that there's, there's
everybody has a preference.
Some people have racialpreferences, some people have
like country preferences, somepeople have height preferences.
You know, I mean I'm not I'veno go into these situations
feeling like I fit everybody'spreference.
(21:08):
You know what I mean.
I would venture to say thatpeople have just such different
styles and I don't take offenseto it myself, but it can't be
very offensive to people.
So I don't necessarily want tothen come home and let's say
that she's got like I Come homethe next day and she's got like
a purple fro.
Now, me personally, mepersonally, I'm so, like I said
(21:29):
before, I'm such a Do as youlike person that I would have a
really hard time cuz I've gonethrough this.
I would not the purple fro, butI've gone A situation where a
hairstyle might change and I'mlike yo, that's not what
(21:51):
attracted me.
You're like, you know, likethere's certain things that
attract people to you, right,and hair could just be like one
of them.
But it could also be on theother side.
Let's say that a woman meets aguy and when she meets a guy,
he's in the gym all the time andthen, after she meets him, he's
on the couch eating potatochips all the time, playing
video games all the time.
Yeah, she have a right to bringthat up.
(22:13):
And does the guy have a rightto bring that up like yo?
This is kind of like cuz.
I think the funny thing aboutattraction, then L is I I'm not
saying that you can't have arelationship and have a love
that kind of transcends thephysical attraction.
It's definitely, it'sdefinitely possible.
But I was saying is like Goingthrough the motions to kind of
keep yourself up to like whatthat person would attracted that
(22:34):
person to begin with.
So if I was in the gym before Imet her, I'm not gonna like be
like, oh well, she's here nowand I'm kicking my feet up and
I'm just gonna gain all kinds ofway to do relationship right.
It's, it's, it's, and youdefinitely can gain it.
I've got about good 10 to 15 ofthem.
But what I'm saying is, likeyou can, it's at least making an
(22:54):
effort.
Like if a person like you werewith before.
It Can be as simple as cologneor perfume, right, if a person
that you were before they woreall the time, they made these
efforts before, but then they'renot making these efforts after
an relationship, is a personallowed to say something?
I thought in in the same thing,like this the hair situations
is similar in the same.
Like you meet a guy and let'ssay that you don't like a guy
with dredge, or let's say thatyou'd like a guy with dredge.
(23:15):
Okay, you want a guy.
You met him.
He had dredge.
Okay, attracted to you to know.
You come back home the nextweek.
Now he's got a low-cut fade andyou're like your hair, you do
whatever you want, becausethat's how it was for me.
I never I would express whetherI like something or not, but I
(23:36):
never told a person to change it.
You see what I'm saying?
Like I'm never that guy who'sgonna be like.
Even with the pants situation,I wasn't like throwing the pants
out or anything.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
You know what I mean.
I'm not.
I'm not.
They would have gone missing.
If they were me, they wouldhave found their way.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
I have trouble with that because I'm such a live and
let live person.
I believe like your life isyour life.
You know what I mean.
So it's kind of like I'm notgonna be like yo, you need to
Cut your hair or you need togrow your hair.
You know what I mean.
There's just certain things.
I'm attracted to it and I'mjust gonna be honest about that.
I'm gonna be very forthcomingabout that.
You know what I mean.
Is there a line for stuff likethat, without sounding like
(24:16):
you're just some kind ofsuperficial, like asshole or
something like that?
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I feel like it depends on how you guys started
your relationship and um theperson themselves like, because,
honestly, I would hope that youwould like me regardless.
I mean, I could lose my hairtomorrow.
You know, have I been?
I get into a car accident or afire.
I could not look that way, Imean barring, like cancer or
injury.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
I believe that those things are are kind of like life
happening to you versus Aperson going out and me, like if
I went out, if I had dreads andI just went out and cut them.
I just did that.
The barber didn't just happento be in my crib, but you know
what I mean.
Like I actively sought to makethat change.
Should that person run it bytheir significant other without
(25:04):
being like that person's, likecontrolling them?
Speaker 2 (25:07):
I feel like it depends on how your relationship
itself Like are you guys well,if you guys value relationship
as far as like boyfriend,girlfriend, or is it like are
you guys trying to be marriedhusband, wife, that kind of
stuff?
I feel like that changes therole a little bit.
If it's my boyfriend and he'slike kind of preference, like
you know what I like when you'relong, straight hair, we've done
, he likes that.
That's how he met me orwhatever, and I decided to
(25:29):
change and go natural later on,or something like that, I could
definitely that's been a problembefore.
People want you to look acertain way, cause this is the
image that they want you toportray.
But people get older, theychange, they grow.
So if your attraction to me isso tied up into my appearance,
then no, I don't think it's.
I don't think it's worth it.
I don't think it's gonna work,because things change constantly
(25:50):
and hinging your wholerelationship on this person
being this way when I met them,or fitting into a certain little
box, it's very controlling,it's very.
It can isolate you and thenmake that person feel like, well
, if I change anything aboutthis, well, go anywhere outside
(26:13):
of these boundaries of what thisperson wants.
They're no longer gonna careabout me, they're no longer
gonna be attracted to me, I'mnever gonna belong.
I'm gonna look at other womenwho fit that mold and feel
insecure and afraid that they'regonna come up and take my man
because I'm not this image ofwhat he wanted to be.
Or in the reverse, if he say Imet him and I'm like I loved him
(26:34):
and a fade, but he's like youknow what?
I wanna be a dread, I wannadread it out, and I'm like I
personally don't like dread.
So I was like I prefer that youdidn't, because I find you more
attractive when you don't havethat.
But I'm not gonna force himinto doing that sort of stuff.
I can also figure out a halfwaypoint.
You're like, hey, maybe youcould fade on the side or
something a little dread at thetop, like a party in the back,
(26:55):
you know, like something.
But also I think taking thatperson's feelings into
consideration is important.
So I don't know it's so mixedbecause I feel like if there's
something that I want him to do,then I feel like I should be
paying for it, or something Likeif I want him in fades every
week and he's like you know, I'mrunning in fades like here,
(27:17):
babe go here's your baby.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Here's your barbara money.
This is the barbara I want youto see.
I will definitely support it.
I like women with nails, Idon't listen to it.
If that fun is running short,you let me know Exactly, exactly
.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
I feel if it's a two-way street and I can say
that to you and you can say thatto me, but if it's only one way
and he's like, oh, you have tobe this certain way, but I can
go do whatever you know, sit onthe couch and chill and not do
any of that kind of stuff, thennow we got issues.
But if it's we're both on thismission, like we're both equally
decided, like hey, this is whatwe want, this is how we want to
(27:49):
be here or our relationship togo, then okay, as long as
they're both agreeing and that'swhat it is, then go for it
whatever works for you guys.
But if it's very one-sided andonly one person expecting to
change, adapt or whatever, thenyou know I'm not here for it.
We will not last.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
That's interesting.
It's an interesting perspective, because one of the things that
you said I'm kind of agreeingis like the mixed bag of it,
because there is a certain Iwould struggle with being honest
because I'm very it could bevery blunt.
I could struggle with beinghonest versus the part of me
that believes that your life isyour life.
You know what I mean.
Like, I am so about that.
(28:26):
I'm so about people doing whatthey want to do.
You only get one life.
I'm very much pro people doingwhat they want to do in their
life.
It's their body.
If they want to cut their hair,they want to cut their hair.
If they want to grow it out,they want to grow it out.
Like you know, they're notnecessarily beholden to
everybody.
However, I do believe it's astrong however in here, and
(28:47):
here's where life is going tosuck.
Attraction is real.
It is real.
So it's kind of like if Iattracted a certain woman being
in the gym all the time, youknow and I'm not talking about
getting into an accident, breakmy leg, and now I can't go to
the gym and she dips.
I'm not talking about anysituation like that, cause
that's not a real relationship.
(29:07):
I mean, it's not always goingto be sunny outside of range.
That's not a rainbow, you know.
So I'm not talking aboutanything like that, cause I have
had stuff like that happen andthen things change for people
and I'm not like I'm out of here, you know, it's not that.
But over time to know if she isattracted to a gym guy and I
(29:29):
stopped going to the gym, Ithink it is very selfish to feel
like love is going to keep herhere.
I feel like I don't think thatthat's.
I don't think it's realistic.
She's going to go out.
In that she's not.
She doesn't live in a bottle.
She's going to go out into theworld and see the guys that do
go to the gym that are naturallyattractive.
Like you know what I mean,they're going to naturally.
Even when you do love somebodytotally and you are totally
(29:50):
attracted to them, you stillmight go out and see somebody
that's attractive and like, oh,it's an attractive person.
You still might notice it.
I'm not saying you're going towalk up to them, but you notice
it.
I feel like if you aren't doingyour part in these
relationships, then you areleaving that Like you're kind of
making it harder for her tokeep.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, making it harder for her to keep the
wolves at bay.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
You know what I mean, because I'm over here gaining
weight, sitting on a couchplaying with your games.
That's not what attracted herhere and I could always pull the
well, baby, you love me or youjust could be superficial.
It's not just.
You know, when you beauty isjust more skin deep, I can give
her the whole spiel and itsounds great.
But I don't know if it'srealistic to life if a person's
(30:34):
being honest with the otherperson Cause a lot of times.
That's why people cheat, causethey don't want to be all the
way honest there.
You know what I mean.
They don't want to be like yo.
This isn't how I met you Like.
This isn't the person that Iwas attracted to.
You become a different personand your attraction is your
attraction.
Like people, like what theylike.
Right, you know, like you likewhat you like.
(30:55):
But I feel like you're hingingall of that on just attraction,
Like if I I would hope that aswe, as we are, like activities
as well, like maybe I hope it'sour relationship.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Yeah, but I hope it's our relationship matures, that
our attraction mature as well.
It would be more than just whatI look like, more than just the
physical appearance itself.
So I'm like why is that partnine Especially when you get
into old age, like that's, thatmight be all you have.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
Well, I, I, I feel like, uh, you bring up a solid
point in that sense to know,because, as as there is a
maturation process that everyrelationship kind of goes
through, right, you're not goingto be the same, and I feel like
that's just, in general, right,like you meet a person, some of
these people meet very early.
If you meet a person andthey're like 18, they're not
going to be the same at like 28,.
You know what I mean.
They're not going to be thesame at 38.
You know what I mean.
(31:39):
As they age, you're not goingto be the same person.
But here's what they can do.
Though they can make the sameefforts, it's not always just
hinged on what they end upbecoming Like.
So, if and that's why I likeusing the gym as an example,
because the gym is an effort,you know what I mean I'm making
an effort to go Uh, you know,maybe it doesn't work as well
into my 30s or 40s as it workedin my teenage and early years,
(32:03):
but at least the effort hasn'tchanged.
At least the effort hasn'tchanged in a sense of like, I
still care about attracting mypartner, like, and I'm not
taking their presence forgranted and thinking that love,
the love will keep you here,type of mentality.
You know what I mean and feellike, well, you love me now, so
I mean I'm just going to.
You know, have you ever seenpeople to know who get out of
relationships?
Then they lose all the weightand then they become that person
(32:25):
, and then they, they, they gettheir revenge way, they, they,
they start going to the gym now,they, they start looking a
certain way, they start dressingin a certain way.
You're like where was, wherewas all that when you were with
the person that you were with?
Speaker 2 (32:38):
But I feel like there's another aspect of that
too, because it's also did thatperson make room for you to be
able to beat that the new person?
After you get out of therelationship too?
Like where the stress in themental anguish that could happen
in a relationship, it weighs onyou, so it makes it so you
can't go do those things.
You you, emotionally orphysically, can't get out there
and actually maintain this bodyor whatever else that they
wanted at the time.
(32:59):
So of course, when you get outof the relationship, that that
thing that was holding you backis not there anymore.
Now I can go do these things,or it might have been those
responsibilities that you had inthat relationship or no longer
there.
So now I have the time to goand focus on me, get my mental
state right, go do my body thing, all that kind of stuff,
whereas when I was with thisperson I I wasn't there, I
(33:19):
couldn't do that, or they didn'tgive me the room to be able to
do these things.
Especially, if you like to say,you mature, you got a family,
you got other responsibilities,you got careers all that stuff
plays a role.
So it can be very unrealisticto expect somebody to be that
person that they were before.
But, as you were saying, theeffort can still be there but it
also can be redirected intodifferent things.
So, because my effort may notbeen going to the gym anymore,
(33:42):
it might have been put intomaking sure, like hey, like um,
he likes to make sure that hehas his lunches made, or he
likes, when I go to um differentevents with him or for work or
whatever, that I look a certainway, so I try to do that.
Or um to to entertain thebusiness associates so that he
can get more deals, and thingslike that.
Like my efforts have changedand the need because his needs
has changed.
(34:02):
So I think that that goes handin hand.
Like you can't need for her tobe who she was before or him to
be who he was before, becausenow the first people you are now
as that couple, as um, as inyour relationship, it's not the
same.
So you're, you're what youwanted.
Or some people hold on to whatthey wanted in the past and they
(34:23):
don't let it um change, theydon't let it grow, they don't
let it develop into somethingelse.
You want to keep that personwhere they were before and I'm
like that that's very hard todeal with and it weighs on you.
So when they get out of thatrelationship now, it's like
fresh start.
Now I can go be the person thatI was before, or I wanted to be
the person in the future,because I didn't have the time I
had kind of straight.
I had other responsibilities,all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
So I don't I don't know if that's a good comparison
um, having the new me, no, noman type stuff, you know um, I
feel like it's different fordifferent people, cause I feel
like some people that might havebeen in constriction because
you bring up a solid point of,like the if you got to spend a
lot of time with another person,um, and then there are people
who were actively will, like yo,I, they broke up with me, so
(35:06):
now I'm going to make him wishhe stayed with me by going and
doing all the stuff that theywere hoping I would do when we
were actually together.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
And then it's also fear too.
Fears the motivator.
Now you're back in the market.
You don't know how things wereor how they are now.
So now I was like I got tocompete with these girls and
these young nuts.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
So there, you know, let's, let's, let's stay on that
point for a second, because Ipersonally and this is not, this
is why I say I say it on bothsides, because this is not a one
sided situation with me I also,uh, just because I'm in a
relationship with somebody, itdoesn't mean that somebody else
I'm not competing with.
I don't.
The competition for theiraffection doesn't stop, in my
opinion, just because I'm in arelationship with them, and I'm
(35:47):
very cognizant of that.
So it's not like I'm putting umstandards on somebody else that
I wouldn't hold myself to.
You know what I mean.
That's why I will go to the gym,that's why I will try to keep
up with myself.
I keep, I keep on my dress andkeep up with things that I do.
It's because I know that thatdoesn't the competition doesn't
stop.
But that works both ways.
You know what I mean.
The competition doesn't stopjust because you're in a
(36:08):
relationship, and I feel likeit's kind of delusional for
people to to feel like, justbecause your relationship was
reached a certain emotionalpoint, that nobody's going to
find your partner attractiveanymore.
But but you, but they walkoutside the house Like you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Like people have that mentality sometimes.
It why why, why?
Speaker 1 (36:28):
why do you think that is?
Would they feel like I feellike to be personal?
I feel like it's kind ofarrogant in my if, if I was to
have the perspective to knowthat just because my partner
loves me, that nobody's going tolike her when she walks out the
house.
And now I don't want to donothing, no more to keep up with
myself.
Isn't that arrogant?
Speaker 2 (36:46):
to a certain degree it definitely is.
You can see, I've met people inrelationships like that where
it's very You're not goinganywhere because I'm the best
that you can do.
So, Person like, well, I wouldlike.
No, I don't want to do that, Idon't want to be in a
relationship with somebody likethat.
But there's people whogenuinely think that, um,
(37:08):
especially when you haven't.
So, so the thing now, I guess,when men are settling down,
they're settling down with womenthat are have just been around
and this one's kind of stuckwith me, so okay.
I guess all I guess she'll bethe one.
Um, and women have had thepersonality, that or the idea
that, okay, well, if I juststick it out long enough, he'll
choose me and I'll be it.
(37:29):
So I Having that kind ofrelationship, it makes it harder
to have the oh, you know, youshould be in the gym and working
out and being this way when,like you said, it's one sided
and the only one person Isexpected to do those things.
Um, it can be eye-opening whenthat person actually gets the,
the self-esteem level, get theirself-esteem up, and they're
(37:49):
able to get out of therelationship and then look back
to like, what was I thinking?
What was I doing?
This is crazy.
And then you still have thatother person who's still in that
mentality where you can't do,you never do any better.
That's it.
I'm all you got Trying to holdsomebody down, hold them back,
whatever.
It's just weird.
I don't understand it.
But I think that plays a roleinto the whole.
Um, I want you to look or, uh,act or appear a certain way.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
I think it's interesting because I I really
struggle between the beinghonest when you just being
forthcoming, like listen, thereare, especially If you're and I
believe this is what anybody Ibelieve somebody's gonna be
attracted to you like it.
I'm not saying that you walkout and women are just falling.
Women are, men are just fallingover you, like that, I don't
(38:34):
know, like somebody didn't knowlike somebody's gonna like,
gonna like this person when theywalk out, and I just think that
if that person, if the if youdon't have both people actively
making efforts to try to keepthe other person's attention and
Outside of just like payingbills and hanging out together
and living your life together, Ithink you're doing your
(38:55):
relationship a disservice.
I just think it's a disservice.
I think if you're falling intoa rut of this because you know
how easy it is it's easy to know, so easy to fall into the rut
of just paying bills and goingto work.
And then you look up in yearsof past.
You know what I mean.
So it's easy to just Get intothat routine of day, that daily
routine of things, um, but it'skind of.
(39:15):
And then what ends up happening?
Maybe they get divorced, right,they both get new relationships
and they're like oh, this iswhat I've been waiting for all
my life, like I feel young againand then the life, life is
happening again Like that'sbecause you got into that rut
with that other person.
Y'all were just going throughlife together and if the maybe
if these things didn't everexpress more openly, there would
be less of these kind ofbreakups.
(39:36):
Maybe if it was it because Ithink that it becomes such you
look at it as a stigma of beingso superficial that you don't
want to express it right,because you don't want to look
like you're just here, just forthat.
But I think you're doingyourself as a disservice to act
like that.
Does that the physical part isnot playing a part for why you
are there.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Yeah, I would agree it does.
It does play a part, um, but Ialso think that part is like I
said, it changes in it, it grows, it becomes what percentage do
you feel like that part shouldplay the melody fight.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
That should pay 50, 50, 20, 20 percent, 15 percent.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
Oh, I will.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
I would say, and just for you personally, not for
like everybody else Well, likewhat?
Speaker 2 (40:19):
would it be for you?
Speaker 1 (40:20):
personally.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
It.
I would say 30 percentdisposable, because I feel like
my attraction it's it's not justabout what you, what you look
like, who like.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
I need more than that , Especially long term right.
Especially long term, becauseyour appearance is not going to
keep me there forever.
It's appreciating asset, forsure.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
So I I feel like I need to havesome.
You gotta have some quality ofpersonality.
I can't be talking to a rock.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I will not hold a conversation with me, so, um, no
, they know what if that changesas well, because we've been
talking a lot about the physicalwhen I really I'm just talking
more so just about changes thathappen in relationships.
Some of them are physical, someof them are behavior.
Like I said, if you even thegym, the gym is a physical
situation but it's also abehavior and you're, let's say,
that you meet a person and theyY'all you read books that were
(41:09):
out or they were an outdoorsperson and then you meet them
and no, they're not an outdoorsperson anymore, like you know
the things that that interestyou to this human being.
Not saying that you got to stayfrozen in time forever, but I
feel like you should give it,you should pay attention to what
your significant other withyour partner, uh, would
attracted you, I would agreethere and Keeping you to kind of
(41:31):
there.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
I feel like it's also , if things change like that, I
think, especially than theirhome personality shifts, I think
there might be a deeper, deeperissue or something else that
you might want to address, andit's not just the apparent stuff
or or them not doing certainactivities anymore.
I'd be more concerned like, hey, what's?
How are you feeling?
Like what's going on?
Honestly, because that canshift people Like as well, and
(41:56):
they don't even look at that.
They just see like, oh well,you were going to the gym before
, but now you're not.
You're getting, you're gettinga little chunky on there.
Like what's going on.
It could also be like, hey, you,why aren't you going to the gym
?
What's caused you not to wantto go or not be able to go, and
how can I help?
Because I know this issomething that you liked, I know
this is something that you carefor About and the value that
(42:17):
you have, and I see that it's,it's no longer there.
So what, what happened, what?
What's going on?
I think those those questions,those deeper questions should,
should be asked and looked at,because that can, they could be
going through extreme depressionand that's why they don't want
to.
They don't even want to get upin the morning or there's
something stressful situation atwork that I'm not telling you
about.
That's why I don't want to goto these events anymore, when I
(42:39):
used to enjoy it and all kind ofstuff.
I think you have to really lookpast Just the the first thing
that you see and get a littlebit deeper, especially if
somebody you truly care about, Iwant to know what it is like,
what's really going on.
That's how we fix that partbefore we come back to oh you
know, get the gym.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
I think that's where it at least starts, at least at
least having a conversation,because I believe the problem is
is that a lot of People ignoreit and then the other persons
are believing, or be they cheatmaybe they're believing, or
split that because they'reyou're, they're literally dating
a different human being.
They're literally with a wholedifferent person than what got
them there.
You know what I mean.
I don't believe that people areobligated to just Sit through
(43:16):
their life like that and waitfor people to get it together.
You know what I mean.
Like you, I do believe, um, inbeing honest about it, because I
I'm not.
I wouldn't just run out andthen just be like yo, I got the
person that I got the personthat I was looking for.
I'm gonna be honest, but Ibelieve that once a person is
honest with you and they'rebeing transparent with you, I
(43:39):
really feel like there's notreally much more a person owes
you.
Like I don't feel like peopleowe you, owe you their life or
would owe me their life becausethey're in a relationship with
me.
You know what I mean.
Like I, if they're not findingthat contract.
We got married you you'rewalking out of this thing.
Like you know, it's a situationwhere I, I, I Don't believe
(44:02):
that people like pledge theirlife to others like that and it
would, with no kind of would, nokind of Standards.
You know what I mean.
Or with like hey, you can doanything now like we're, we're
we're together now.
It doesn't really matter, andthen I'll never bring it up
right exactly and I feel likethere's, there's, if people are
more Transparent about that,then maybe some relationships
(44:24):
get saved versus a person justcompletely stepping out on a
person who fits what that personused to be you know what I mean
and instead of just talking tothat person but I do believe
that there's, especially from aguy, the dynamics a little
different.
But from a guy to a womanstandpoint it can come off as a
possessive, you know what I mean.
It can come off as like Um oh,you're just with me.
For the physical, it to actlike I just saw your mental from
(44:47):
across the room and approachedyou Like I feel like it's
delusional as to what actuallyis happening in life.
Speaker 2 (44:55):
You never think the body across the room, a girl,
your mind.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
Right, man, I've been hurt since.
The humor is amazing, let meget over there.
You know what I mean.
Like Me personally, especiallymade me visual and I'm
definitely that guy.
It's, it's, it's not and any ofyou are.
It's Handling your business.
I believe other people,especially this day and age man,
other people will step inInstantaneously.
(45:20):
You know what I mean,especially if they sense that
you know, and I feel like that'swomen and men Right, if you
sense that other person you like, this person, this person
object of your affection, youfit their type, you feel like
you'll be a better person thantheir partner.
The partner takes them forgranted Person gonna step in the
nail you know what I mean andthey're gonna make a move on
that situation.
If the person that Talk totheir partner earlier, maybe
(45:41):
they could have gotten around.
I'm not saying that it's a fixin in it all be at all, but I
feel like maybe you could havegot ahead of that a little bit.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
Yeah, I mean this communication on both parts
definitely agree.
But I feel like you.
Somebody can only get get intoa space when you allow them room
to.
So if you're not Giving themthat room, they can't get in.
It doesn't matter how muchthey're.
Just like oh, she don't reallycare about you, like I need to
type stuff, like no, you're notgiving her that room to be it in
there or telling her yourbusiness, then and I don't think
(46:09):
you know, stepping out on onsomething like that would be,
wouldn't?
It doesn't make sense to me.
Yeah, I don't give that part.
But I also feel like Going backto saying people change and
good, getting older andeverything for sure most women
stay with men when things happen.
Say he gets older and has to goto hospital, or he's in a coma,
(46:30):
or you know, something medicallyhappens or just a freak
accident, or whatever.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
Women stay study she's like you feel, like Ben
don't.
Speaker 2 (46:38):
No, not at all like Friend.
She's up, she's in there, sheworks in our office.
No, she's like yeah, yeah,number of men who just she wants
me to have somebody else.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Yo, is that not?
Is that that's not too crazy?
Because I feel like you reallylove a person.
Isn't that what you want?
Do you want a person to change,a person to die with me?
Like, are you serious?
I'm not dead yet.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
I'm not dead yet.
Okay, before that, she hascancer or she has something else
that you?
Know, I will pull up the studyand I'll send it to you.
They don't stay, women do.
Women will carry it through, gothrough everything.
(47:23):
That's why some of them, intheir getting into relationships
when they get older, when theyfind out that they have a
medical issue, a heart-to-heartkidney problem, that's when they
get booed up.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
You might boot up a nurse, like what you're doing.
That is so that yo, that's that.
That's hilarious.
I Feel like, well, we're gonnahave more conversations like
this.
I definitely appreciate anoutside perspective here to know
(47:53):
.
Thank you for, for joining meand kind of giving me that and
giving the audience that.
Speaker 2 (47:58):
Thank you for Awakening me to the realization
that you can't tell that I'mjust hilarious and witty.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Well, educating people one person at a time.
Here is Reggie Nate.
Yeah, check us out, stitcher.
I heart radio, google podcast,apple podcast, spotify, where
you find your podcast.
See you next time, all right,great.
This Reggie atl coming to you from the lovely
city of Atlanta, Georgia, goingout to the Nell in California,
but she's not in front of awindow.
I can't see if it is sunny ornot.
The now I'm just going toassume it is.
I mean, this is LA.
Right, you got to assume thatit's just always sunny there.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
That's a great assumption and it is, and it's
actually what the second week orsecond week of our heat wave.
So we're sweating.
I'm indoors, where I shouldalways be, because it doesn't
make any sense.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
What is?
What is that heat wave in Cali?
Is that like 80 degrees?
I wait, what is that like?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Oh, we're sitting 80 degrees.
That's nice, that's regularwe're like 90, 96, getting over
100 almost.
It's that it's at a hand.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I'm not here for it.
That's typical.
Like for us anyway for us, not,not, not not, for I know you
guys aren't used to this kind ofstuff, but that's typical
Georgia.
So how hot is it during summer?
Like typical July in Georgia.
Atlanta, you can hit those 90sLike pretty, pretty routinely.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
But it's a different kind of heat.
It's dry and it just sits onyou and like I've been in New
Orleans when I'm in Miami, so Iknow that humidity, you kind of
just you feel it.
But dry it sneaks up on youLike all you, all you have is
hot.
It's when you feel hot.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
You know, there's some people who had went to like
Death Valley and like actuallydied there.
Like this one older gentlemanwent there and it was like 100
and like it was like 128, 125 orsomething like that.
That wasn't too long ago.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
That would happen like maybe last week or so,
about a week or so ago, you knowso it's hot, definitely, and
you don't have to go to DeathValley over here you just go
hiking period, forget your water, get lost a little risk in life
, risk in life to hike.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Do you hike anyway?
You know like, yeah, you don'tstrike me as a hiker.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
No, I do.
I mean I was in Washington fora long time in the state and is
that right A passage inWashington Is that like you're
like I've been watching.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Of course I hike.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
You have to.
If you don't, people will getyou a little funny Like why are
you, why are you here then?
Like what?
So what brought you here?
Somebody kidnapped you.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
It is a must.
It's interesting because Iwanted to have you on today,
because I it is.
This is an interesting subject,ok, so, because there's always
a this is a relationship dynamic, and I'm not necessarily
because I'm a heterosexualmyself.
I'm pretty sure this exists inother ways.
I'm not sure this is just aheterosexual issue, and this is
(02:32):
going to be kind of likecontrolling versus standards.
And I read an article recentlyand it's about this this woman
had made a social media postthat had gone viral, that she
had wore I guess she had bathingsuit pictures or beach pictures
.
She says they weren'tnecessarily bathing suit
pictures, from what I'm readinghere, they were like beach
(02:53):
pictures, right, and they theywere on her social media and her
boyfriend one of them deleted.
So she deleted him and she gothim out.
She got, she didn't kill him,but she got.
She dumped him, though shedumped the boyfriend, and this
is always something that's beensuper fascinating to me to know,
(03:15):
because I genuinely believethat there is.
If you decide to get into arelationship with somebody,
there's concessions you got tomake right.
There's, like this, certainconcessions like if you're and
I'll give you a sample of aperson's impulse I had a friend
of mine who his this hashappened a while back ago.
I would say this is maybe likefive, ten years ago.
(03:36):
Easy, he had someone to breakup with him.
They were in a long-termrelationship.
They ended up breaking up andone of the things he he didn't
like was that he was like man,she's always like checking up on
me, man and like wants to knowwhere I'm going, what I'm doing
and stuff like that.
I was like bro, it's called arelationship, like that's called
.
Like yeah, I don't want to knowwhere you're sitting.
(03:57):
Do you think about this?
To know?
Could you imagine somebodyasking you about where even your
family member is?
That you know that's not even arelationship.
And you back hey, where's yourroommate?
Let's just go, roommate, Idon't know.
I haven't seen him in a fewmonths.
I don't know, I'm not sure youknow.
(04:17):
It's like you probably knowwhere your good friends, family,
roommates, people that areimportant in your life you
probably know where they're at.
You know what I mean, at leastwhere they could be.
You don't necessarily need tosay, hey, they're over at
Chick-fil-A or this McDonald'son this particular street, like
you don't need to have specifics, but I really feel like you
(04:38):
probably know, right, like thevicinity of where this human
being is.
Is that crazy?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
I know.
I think it's reasonable, itmakes sense, especially nowadays
because you have so muchinteraction through social media
and other things.
So unless you actually check inwith somebody, how do you
really know or at least likesend an update?
It's like two seconds to send atext message I'm here or over
here you can.
It was a Google you could sharewhere you're at.
So they didn't have to ask you,you could just share your
(05:04):
location with all your friends,so I don't think that's
unreasonable for somebody to belike hey, you know, just check
in.
You're alive, because I careabout you.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
How are you going to get mad?
How are you?
How are you super upset at that?
And I feel like there's linesand we'll discuss the other
implications of that, but juststicking with this, and I told
them, and they end up breakingup, right, because of course she
was like you know, he wanted tokind of hang out and stuff like
that.
And one of the things is, ifyou're used to and maybe people
(05:35):
who have been single for a longtime have this issue more, you
know, because they're just soused to having their own time
right, they're so used to nothaving that like answer to
anybody.
They're so used to being ableto just go out the house.
Maybe they come back a weeklater, maybe they just randomly
go on a trip they could dowhatever they want.
But when you are deciding thatyou're going to be with somebody
, this is one of the concessionsthat you're going to have to
(05:58):
have, right, you're going tohave to probably talk to that
person.
You probably got to tell themwhat you were.
When they ask you what you'redoing tonight.
They're not trying to controlyour life, they just probably
just really want to know whatyou are getting into tonight.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Maybe they want to know what they may be getting
into tonight.
Right, like, maybe I'll getinto something together.
Were you not doing that before?
You guys like to find therelationship or anything.
They were just like no, I justcome and go with a please.
Okay, that's just weird, that'sweird right.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
It's weird.
It's a weird way of dealingwith life and that's kind of
like where I had kind of had tobreak it down to him.
I was like, bro, like you stillwant to be like single, you
still want singlecharacteristics.
Like you want to date somebodyand have single man
characteristics.
I was like you just need tostay single, bro.
Like if you don't want to checkit up and you want to hang out,
you want to bro out on theweekends and stuff like that.
Like you need to just staysingle because it's not a lot of
(06:48):
people going to want to dealwith that.
Have you ever heard anybody inthese situations like that,
Because that's me from like amale situation.
Have you ever had any femalefriends, associates and stuff
like that who didn't really likeor maybe felt like guys are
checking up on them too much orasking questions about their
whereabouts and maybe, fromanother person's perspective,
just been like a relationshipquestion?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I feel like most of the women that I've known,
especially like the serialdaters they want to know every
like, every movie.
He's not asking me what I'mdoing.
He doesn't care.
That's how they see it.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I know A little bit right, because I made it
something.
If I'm not asking you.
I got my own thing popping.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Exactly Like what's going on then.
But I definitely feel likethere's a fine line to where
it's like every hour or so.
If he's not sending a messageor texting or liking a photo,
then I've got issues and I needto know where he is.
Of course, when you getelevates to that level, of
course you think, hey, you'relike chill, you got some
security problems, relax.
(07:44):
But if it's just like you'regoing three or four days and
nothing, yeah, that's an issuewhere we got problems.
And if you take offense by herasking like, hey, when are you
going to be home, instead ofjust being automatically
offended like you're in mybusiness, what are you talking
about?
And at least ask like hey, whyyou want to know?
Like I'm making you food, Iwould like to go spend time with
(08:07):
you when you get home, likethat kind of stuff.
So I have an idea how toorganize my day pretty much.
So it's like lack ofconsideration on.
That would be definitely a redflag and he was getting offended
by that.
But I would expect him to atleast want to know how my day
went or what's going on.
But he doesn't need to knowevery single detail or ask me
(08:28):
every single detail if hedoesn't want to.
So I think it's a level of likedo you actually care about this
person at all?
Because it's like when you havekids, if you have children,
you're going to want to knowwhere they are.
What's going on, so I wouldn'tbe significant either.
That part, that part when willyou return?
I'm like it's like people goingout on journeys and stuff and
(08:50):
never hearing from them.
Send a letter, dear John.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Not even corresponding whatsoever.
They're just out theresomewhere.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Yeah, exactly Like do you check up on your friends?
You're like, hey, bro, proof oflife, especially when you get
older, because then it becomesconcerning when you're in old
age, like there's been somepeople who passed away and it's
been weeks before anybodynoticed.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I don't want to be that person.
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Come on.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
So how does that dynamic work for you?
Like, have you been that personwho might be?
Because I feel like this isgoing to break it down and we're
going to break it down and likeinto different categories.
And I feel like this alsobreaks down the nail into like
where you are at in yourrelationship.
So, when my friend inparticular, they were already in
a long term, they'd alreadybeen dating for a couple of
years, so it's not like this waslike she's she's hitting you up
(09:34):
after a week asking like you'reaware about you know what I
mean.
Like you, you guys are together, bro, like you've been dating.
So there's.
Do you feel like there is aline?
Because ultimately it's goingto be.
If we were to look at what thisepisode is about, it's kind of
like about possessiveness versusjust caring about a person,
right, and the thin line thatkind of lies between those.
(09:57):
Because you can care about aperson, it's different for me to
ask what time are you gettingoff work for?
Just asking, just right,because in my opinion, because
I've been in a free relationship, this is just like genuine
relationship every day, stuff.
Like it's not even that thoughtabout.
(10:19):
You know what I mean.
It's not that calculated.
I feel like there's adifference between that and me.
Just like waiting outside yourjob, like in that car.
I've been out here for twohours.
Where are you coming out?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Like oh, you said you were at work, but I checked
your location.
You're not there.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
You're not there.
What's going on?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
No, we're not trying to be at that level, but
especially if you've been in along term relationship, you're
more like why isn't thatcommonplace and why are you
getting offended now?
Were you offended before or isthis like a new development and
you're trying to hide somethingLike?
I might have to ask you somemore follow up questions.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Have you ever felt the need for that?
Where is that in Denel's lifeLike?
Where has that fell for you?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I don't feel like I've ever felt the need.
I've been very independent ingeneral, so I'm not the type of
person who's going to constantlylike, hey, what were you at?
What's going on, who's doingthis?
All that kind of stuff If youdon't want to tell me.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
I'm going to tell you what it is.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I should trust you enough to not have to do all of
that.
And I'm also working, I'm busy,I got things going on trying to
develop a career as well, so Iwould expect him to be doing the
same.
So of course there's going tobe times where we're not texting
or talking all day, but it onlytakes a moment to say, hey, I'm
going in this meeting, you wantto chat later?
Or hey, just thinking about youfor a second, like little
(11:41):
things like that Cool.
You know, I have been thatperson where it's like, oh hey,
you didn't say anything to meall day, what's going on?
I was like, oh my bad, I wasjust busy, you know, out of
sight and out of mind a littlebit.
So I've had to learn to do thata little bit more.
I guess it all depends on whatkind of person you're in a
relationship with.
If they're getting back to it,their love language is
(12:03):
communication and time, ofcourse you're going to have to
go feed into that or point intothat cup.
But if you're with person who'smore like an axe kind of person
, then you might have to show up, pop up at work, you know,
bring them flowers, send them agift or something like that.
There's all different ways tokind of meet the needs of
whoever you're with.
It doesn't always have to bejust like what are you doing,
(12:23):
where are you at?
Kind of messages and stuff likethat.
So I think you should beflexible in a relationship and
that's what I expect from me oranybody else that I'm with.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Now, you know, what's interesting is we're going to
cut, because that was kind oftouching on maybe like the
whereabouts, like where a personis located.
I find that's just basis forrelationship.
I'm not dating somebody who Icannot locate.
I'm just going to just let mejust go ahead and throw that out
there right now.
So she's in my heart.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Where are you?
Where's Waldo?
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Because, like you said, I'm not the kind of guy to
just like obsess over it.
We just can't be together.
Like I'm not going to obsessover, like you know, I'm not
going to like stalk our person,I'm not going to try to track
your location and everythinglike that.
It's just a situation where,like, if you can't have the
common courtesy from, like I'mat work, it takes a second to
say that right, like that's noteven you don't have to do
(13:12):
anything.
Like you, it's a quick textmessage or something I'm at work
or busy doing, whatever youknow, but I don't feel like
there's anything.
So, in your opinion, that's notstrange.
So we're going to take that off.
That that's not strange in arelationship to ask about where
a person is OK.
So we got that one taken careof.
Now let's move on to more sothe clothing and this, and this
(13:32):
is where this can become anissue.
So fast and now.
Ok, but coming up yeah right, ohGod, have you ever dealt with
it?
Did I like?
Yo like, where are you goingwith those shorts, have you ever
?
Maybe you just don't dress likea Harley.
Have you ever heard of wordHarley before?
Have you heard that use in asentence?
I was.
I was determined to use that ina sentence on this show and I
(13:55):
succeeded.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
I have not heard Danelle and Harlett in the same
tense before, thank you.
Thank you for that, reggie.
I was actually.
That's what it's all buildingup to.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
I'm breaking ground here on this show.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I'm here, maybe a Jezebel or two, but never a
Harlett.
I would say, yes, I have had amoment where it was like well,
what are you wearing now?
I was like, but you know, youmet me like this, this is not
new.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
You see everything I have on Instagram.
Pull the like, yo.
You just see my.
You see in the ground.
That's what.
That's what got you here.
That's that's what Danelle issaying.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
And the audacity and turn around and be like now you
got to be matron.
I was like, no, you can't.
You.
You caught the baddie.
That's what it is.
You don't have the baddie allthe way through.
She's not going to turn intothe mother board afterwards.
Stop playing, Stop.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Yo, that is hilarious .
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And I feel like that's almost a control issue
thing too, because I feel likethey they can say something to
you.
If they won't say something tothe men or whoever else they
feel is giving you unwantedattention, they have all the
smoke for the person that'sright next to them because
they're easy to access and Ifeel like I can kind of talk to
you any old way, but you knowthe one of his boys.
If somebody random comes up andthey're like, oh hey, your girl
(15:08):
looking good, like let me getout.
You like trying to saysomething, you don't feel like
you can really really stand yourground or say something to him.
So like I'm going to go for thenext best thing, which is her,
so I could control her.
So she, she can't wear thatanymore, you can't do that
anymore, you can't do this.
I felt there's a differencebetween being having respect in
(15:28):
a relationship for the personthat you're with If something is
too much for them.
I think you would have knownthat beforehand, like especially
when you were dating them.
The whole process, like youthought I was just wearing this
just to catch you.
No 24, seven me.
I think some guys have to wakeup to that or realize it or be
able to handle that kind ofstuff Like it's not a me problem
(15:49):
, it's you problem at that point.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
So where's the line at then to know with?
Because there's an.
I'll give us a personal story.
I had a, and this is mydaughter's mother.
This is a long time ago andthis is really the only time
I've had this issue.
I've never been a guy that'slike pulling out the tape
measure for for link and stufflike that.
Like, hey, can you put your armsdown next to you?
(16:11):
I need to see if we can get youknow past those fingertips.
I've never been that guy.
To be honest with you, and I doagree with if you date a people
that are attractive, otherpeople are going to be attracted
to them, and I think that's nomatter what they wear.
To be honest with you, I wouldagree, so you can't be a jealous
person dating attractive people.
It's just going to your life'sgoing to be various.
You're making it hard onyourself.
(16:32):
You know what I mean.
I mean, is there a line though?
Because with her in particular,she's had this pair of pants
that she used to wear, and itwas really only just, literally
just this pair of pants.
She pair of pants I want to saythey were like white pants, but
they were see through.
You go like see through themand I see like, oh, why are you
wearing those pants?
Like, are you kidding me?
You walked out like you know,your ass is out, like you're
(16:53):
just, like you know, justshowing your ass.
You're like, oh, I really likethese pants, you know, blah,
blah, blah.
And I'm not like, like I said,I'm very much a to each his own
kind of person.
So I don't believe in trying tochange people Because, for one,
I believe it's a feudal effortlike trying to change grown
people's.
Feudal, like people eventuallyare going to be themselves, like
no matter how you try to moldthem one way or the next.
So she, this was just this pairof pants, and we used to get
(17:16):
into a lot of arguments to knowover this, over this pair of
pants.
Just this one pair of pants.
We used to get into so manyarguments and I remember later
on her, her mother coming tovisit.
She put those pants on and hermother got her, and I felt so
vindicated.
I felt so vinegar just fromCalifornia, so something cow.
So her mother came to visitfrom Cali and she and she throws
(17:38):
, she throws the pants on and Iwas like yo, you know, you can
like see through those pants andI would be like oh my.
God, I can't you, just it's notme.
And yes, because I'm like yo,it's not me being some raging
obsessive dude.
You can literally see throughthese pants, like is there,
where is that, where is thatmoment at?
And they're like is there aline there where you, like legit
(17:58):
, could approach this concernwithout sounding like some kind
of possessive idiot?
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
I think it's how you say it and also having
alternatives.
You could have approached thissubject and like hey, you know
what I don't?
I don't really like those, orthis is, I would prefer to be
dressed in this way a little bit, or bring items like hey,
here's some clothes.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
I got three pairs of pants for you.
You can go shopping.
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Yes, let's go shopping.
I want to take you shopping,let me.
Let me show you some thingslike all that that looks really
good on you.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Oh, I like better alternatives.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
And she's more active .
Like, ok, like he likes this,and my man likes when I wear
this, like you will get so manygirls is blushing to say, oh my
God.
He likes when I wear this tothank you.
Like, take her shop and sitthere in the dressing room and
watch her put on some clothes.
Like, if you don't want to wearcertain stuff, why don't you
get her other things?
Well, and it's also, I'm surethere's some items that you wore
(18:54):
or had that she was not a fanof.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
So yeah, I feel like part of that, you know, is like
conversation, right, like youhave conversation because it in
end end, like I wouldn'tnecessarily say in my defense in
this particular situation,because there wasn't really my,
my, I would love to say mywardrobe was exciting enough for
her to get mad about.
But it's totally not.
It's hard to get mad about.
(19:18):
T-shirt and jeans is toodifficult to excite in any
direction.
But it was kind of like, whenI'm thinking about it, just you
know, whether it's futuresituations or the situation in
general, there are certainthings that I will.
If a person says, hey, I don'tlike that color on you, I don't
feel like she's being likecontrolling I just won't buy
(19:38):
that color.
Or you know what I mean, I will, I will buy.
You see them saying I thoughtthat's just part of like Meeting
in the middle of just a, reallythe compromises that kind of
come with a relationship.
If that makes it that makessense.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Yeah, no, no, completely understand, and I
would agree with that too.
But I, like I said this,there's ways to approaches like
hey, you know, that's toorevealing.
Or like hey, you know that Idon't know if that's really
flattering on you.
I kind of like this one alittle bit better.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
There's different ways to say the same thing and I
think that's what people aremissing a little bit.
So you know another thing toowhen it comes to this, is hair
okay here, now I have okay, so Ihave to, I have to bring myself
, I have to bring you treadlightly ready, tread lightly.
I have to bring it up because Ibelieve that there is a
(20:22):
difference and I'm gonna hairdifference.
I'm gonna go the same thingwith the hair difference as, or
the hair example.
I'm gonna do the same thing asjust a body example in general
and I'm gonna do it for formales and for females.
I'm gonna do it like mysituation, but I'm also gonna do
it on the female side, for amale as well.
So For my situation particular,I like certain hairstyle.
So if I meet a person and aperson has like Shoulder length
(20:46):
hair, I'm not saying like downher back or whatever, but I like
something, something growingout of it, something growing out
of your head.
You know what I mean.
That's just my preference and Ibelieve that there's, there's
everybody has a preference.
Some people have racialpreferences, some people have
like country preferences, somepeople have height preferences.
You know, I mean I'm not I'veno go into these situations
feeling like I fit everybody'spreference.
(21:08):
You know what I mean.
I would venture to say thatpeople have just such different
styles and I don't take offenseto it myself, but it can't be
very offensive to people.
So I don't necessarily want tothen come home and let's say
that she's got like I Come homethe next day and she's got like
a purple fro.
Now, me personally, mepersonally, I'm so, like I said
(21:29):
before, I'm such a Do as youlike person that I would have a
really hard time cuz I've gonethrough this.
I would not the purple fro, butI've gone A situation where a
hairstyle might change and I'mlike yo, that's not what
(21:51):
attracted me.
You're like, you know, likethere's certain things that
attract people to you, right,and hair could just be like one
of them.
But it could also be on theother side.
Let's say that a woman meets aguy and when she meets a guy,
he's in the gym all the time andthen, after she meets him, he's
on the couch eating potatochips all the time, playing
video games all the time.
Yeah, she have a right to bringthat up.
(22:13):
And does the guy have a rightto bring that up like yo?
This is kind of like cuz.
I think the funny thing aboutattraction, then L is I I'm not
saying that you can't have arelationship and have a love
that kind of transcends thephysical attraction.
It's definitely, it'sdefinitely possible.
But I was saying is like Goingthrough the motions to kind of
keep yourself up to like whatthat person would attracted that
(22:34):
person to begin with.
So if I was in the gym before Imet her, I'm not gonna like be
like, oh well, she's here nowand I'm kicking my feet up and
I'm just gonna gain all kinds ofway to do relationship right.
It's, it's, it's, and youdefinitely can gain it.
I've got about good 10 to 15 ofthem.
But what I'm saying is, likeyou can, it's at least making an
(22:54):
effort.
Like if a person like you werewith before.
It Can be as simple as cologneor perfume, right, if a person
that you were before they woreall the time, they made these
efforts before, but then they'renot making these efforts after
an relationship, is a personallowed to say something?
I thought in in the same thing,like this the hair situations
is similar in the same.
Like you meet a guy and let'ssay that you don't like a guy
with dredge, or let's say thatyou'd like a guy with dredge.
(23:15):
Okay, you want a guy.
You met him.
He had dredge.
Okay, attracted to you to know.
You come back home the nextweek.
Now he's got a low-cut fade andyou're like your hair, you do
whatever you want, becausethat's how it was for me.
I never I would express whetherI like something or not, but I
(23:36):
never told a person to change it.
You see what I'm saying?
Like I'm never that guy who'sgonna be like.
Even with the pants situation,I wasn't like throwing the pants
out or anything.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
You know what I mean.
I'm not.
I'm not.
They would have gone missing.
If they were me, they wouldhave found their way.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
I have trouble with that because I'm such a live and
let live person.
I believe like your life isyour life.
You know what I mean.
So it's kind of like I'm notgonna be like yo, you need to
Cut your hair or you need togrow your hair.
You know what I mean.
There's just certain things.
I'm attracted to it and I'mjust gonna be honest about that.
I'm gonna be very forthcomingabout that.
You know what I mean.
Is there a line for stuff likethat, without sounding like
(24:16):
you're just some kind ofsuperficial, like asshole or
something like that?
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I feel like it depends on how you guys started
your relationship and um theperson themselves like, because,
honestly, I would hope that youwould like me regardless.
I mean, I could lose my hairtomorrow.
You know, have I been?
I get into a car accident or afire.
I could not look that way, Imean barring, like cancer or
injury.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
I believe that those things are are kind of like life
happening to you versus Aperson going out and me, like if
I went out, if I had dreads andI just went out and cut them.
I just did that.
The barber didn't just happento be in my crib, but you know
what I mean.
Like I actively sought to makethat change.
Should that person run it bytheir significant other without
(25:04):
being like that person's, likecontrolling them?
Speaker 2 (25:07):
I feel like it depends on how your relationship
itself Like are you guys well,if you guys value relationship
as far as like boyfriend,girlfriend, or is it like are
you guys trying to be marriedhusband, wife, that kind of
stuff?
I feel like that changes therole a little bit.
If it's my boyfriend and he'slike kind of preference, like
you know what I like when you'relong, straight hair, we've done
, he likes that.
That's how he met me orwhatever, and I decided to
(25:29):
change and go natural later on,or something like that, I could
definitely that's been a problembefore.
People want you to look acertain way, cause this is the
image that they want you toportray.
But people get older, theychange, they grow.
So if your attraction to me isso tied up into my appearance,
then no, I don't think it's.
I don't think it's worth it.
I don't think it's gonna work,because things change constantly
(25:50):
and hinging your wholerelationship on this person
being this way when I met them,or fitting into a certain little
box, it's very controlling,it's very.
It can isolate you and thenmake that person feel like, well
, if I change anything aboutthis, well, go anywhere outside
(26:13):
of these boundaries of what thisperson wants.
They're no longer gonna careabout me, they're no longer
gonna be attracted to me, I'mnever gonna belong.
I'm gonna look at other womenwho fit that mold and feel
insecure and afraid that they'regonna come up and take my man
because I'm not this image ofwhat he wanted to be.
Or in the reverse, if he say Imet him and I'm like I loved him
(26:34):
and a fade, but he's like youknow what?
I wanna be a dread, I wannadread it out, and I'm like I
personally don't like dread.
So I was like I prefer that youdidn't, because I find you more
attractive when you don't havethat.
But I'm not gonna force himinto doing that sort of stuff.
I can also figure out a halfwaypoint.
You're like, hey, maybe youcould fade on the side or
something a little dread at thetop, like a party in the back,
(26:55):
you know, like something.
But also I think taking thatperson's feelings into
consideration is important.
So I don't know it's so mixedbecause I feel like if there's
something that I want him to do,then I feel like I should be
paying for it, or something Likeif I want him in fades every
week and he's like you know, I'mrunning in fades like here,
(27:17):
babe go here's your baby.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Here's your barbara money.
This is the barbara I want youto see.
I will definitely support it.
I like women with nails, Idon't listen to it.
If that fun is running short,you let me know Exactly, exactly
.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
I feel if it's a two-way street and I can say
that to you and you can say thatto me, but if it's only one way
and he's like, oh, you have tobe this certain way, but I can
go do whatever you know, sit onthe couch and chill and not do
any of that kind of stuff, thennow we got issues.
But if it's we're both on thismission, like we're both equally
decided, like hey, this is whatwe want, this is how we want to
(27:49):
be here or our relationship togo, then okay, as long as
they're both agreeing and that'swhat it is, then go for it
whatever works for you guys.
But if it's very one-sided andonly one person expecting to
change, adapt or whatever, thenyou know I'm not here for it.
We will not last.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
That's interesting.
It's an interesting perspective, because one of the things that
you said I'm kind of agreeingis like the mixed bag of it,
because there is a certain Iwould struggle with being honest
because I'm very it could bevery blunt.
I could struggle with beinghonest versus the part of me
that believes that your life isyour life.
You know what I mean.
Like, I am so about that.
(28:26):
I'm so about people doing whatthey want to do.
You only get one life.
I'm very much pro people doingwhat they want to do in their
life.
It's their body.
If they want to cut their hair,they want to cut their hair.
If they want to grow it out,they want to grow it out.
Like you know, they're notnecessarily beholden to
everybody.
However, I do believe it's astrong however in here, and
(28:47):
here's where life is going tosuck.
Attraction is real.
It is real.
So it's kind of like if Iattracted a certain woman being
in the gym all the time, youknow and I'm not talking about
getting into an accident, breakmy leg, and now I can't go to
the gym and she dips.
I'm not talking about anysituation like that, cause
that's not a real relationship.
(29:07):
I mean, it's not always goingto be sunny outside of range.
That's not a rainbow, you know.
So I'm not talking aboutanything like that, cause I have
had stuff like that happen andthen things change for people
and I'm not like I'm out of here, you know, it's not that.
But over time to know if she isattracted to a gym guy and I
(29:29):
stopped going to the gym, Ithink it is very selfish to feel
like love is going to keep herhere.
I feel like I don't think thatthat's.
I don't think it's realistic.
She's going to go out.
In that she's not.
She doesn't live in a bottle.
She's going to go out into theworld and see the guys that do
go to the gym that are naturallyattractive.
Like you know what I mean,they're going to naturally.
Even when you do love somebodytotally and you are totally
(29:50):
attracted to them, you stillmight go out and see somebody
that's attractive and like, oh,it's an attractive person.
You still might notice it.
I'm not saying you're going towalk up to them, but you notice
it.
I feel like if you aren't doingyour part in these
relationships, then you areleaving that Like you're kind of
making it harder for her tokeep.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, making it harder for her to keep the
wolves at bay.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
You know what I mean, because I'm over here gaining
weight, sitting on a couchplaying with your games.
That's not what attracted herhere and I could always pull the
well, baby, you love me or youjust could be superficial.
It's not just.
You know, when you beauty isjust more skin deep, I can give
her the whole spiel and itsounds great.
But I don't know if it'srealistic to life if a person's
(30:34):
being honest with the otherperson Cause a lot of times.
That's why people cheat, causethey don't want to be all the
way honest there.
You know what I mean.
They don't want to be like yo.
This isn't how I met you Like.
This isn't the person that Iwas attracted to.
You become a different personand your attraction is your
attraction.
Like people, like what theylike.
Right, you know, like you likewhat you like.
(30:55):
But I feel like you're hingingall of that on just attraction,
Like if I I would hope that aswe, as we are, like activities
as well, like maybe I hope it'sour relationship.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Yeah, but I hope it's our relationship matures, that
our attraction mature as well.
It would be more than just whatI look like, more than just the
physical appearance itself.
So I'm like why is that partnine Especially when you get
into old age, like that's, thatmight be all you have.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
Well, I, I, I feel like, uh, you bring up a solid
point in that sense to know,because, as as there is a
maturation process that everyrelationship kind of goes
through, right, you're not goingto be the same, and I feel like
that's just, in general, right,like you meet a person, some of
these people meet very early.
If you meet a person andthey're like 18, they're not
going to be the same at like 28,.
You know what I mean.
They're not going to be thesame at 38.
You know what I mean.
(31:39):
As they age, you're not goingto be the same person.
But here's what they can do.
Though they can make the sameefforts, it's not always just
hinged on what they end upbecoming Like.
So, if and that's why I likeusing the gym as an example,
because the gym is an effort,you know what I mean I'm making
an effort to go Uh, you know,maybe it doesn't work as well
into my 30s or 40s as it workedin my teenage and early years,
(32:03):
but at least the effort hasn'tchanged.
At least the effort hasn'tchanged in a sense of like, I
still care about attracting mypartner, like, and I'm not
taking their presence forgranted and thinking that love,
the love will keep you here,type of mentality.
You know what I mean and feellike, well, you love me now, so
I mean I'm just going to.
You know, have you ever seenpeople to know who get out of
relationships?
Then they lose all the weightand then they become that person
(32:25):
, and then they, they, they gettheir revenge way, they, they,
they start going to the gym now,they, they start looking a
certain way, they start dressingin a certain way.
You're like where was, wherewas all that when you were with
the person that you were with?
Speaker 2 (32:38):
But I feel like there's another aspect of that
too, because it's also did thatperson make room for you to be
able to beat that the new person?
After you get out of therelationship too?
Like where the stress in themental anguish that could happen
in a relationship, it weighs onyou, so it makes it so you
can't go do those things.
You you, emotionally orphysically, can't get out there
and actually maintain this bodyor whatever else that they
wanted at the time.
(32:59):
So of course, when you get outof the relationship, that that
thing that was holding you backis not there anymore.
Now I can go do these things,or it might have been those
responsibilities that you had inthat relationship or no longer
there.
So now I have the time to goand focus on me, get my mental
state right, go do my body thing, all that kind of stuff,
whereas when I was with thisperson I I wasn't there, I
(33:19):
couldn't do that, or they didn'tgive me the room to be able to
do these things.
Especially, if you like to say,you mature, you got a family,
you got other responsibilities,you got careers all that stuff
plays a role.
So it can be very unrealisticto expect somebody to be that
person that they were before.
But, as you were saying, theeffort can still be there but it
also can be redirected intodifferent things.
So, because my effort may notbeen going to the gym anymore,
(33:42):
it might have been put intomaking sure, like hey, like um,
he likes to make sure that hehas his lunches made, or he
likes, when I go to um differentevents with him or for work or
whatever, that I look a certainway, so I try to do that.
Or um to to entertain thebusiness associates so that he
can get more deals, and thingslike that.
Like my efforts have changedand the need because his needs
has changed.
(34:02):
So I think that that goes handin hand.
Like you can't need for her tobe who she was before or him to
be who he was before, becausenow the first people you are now
as that couple, as um, as inyour relationship, it's not the
same.
So you're, you're what youwanted.
Or some people hold on to whatthey wanted in the past and they
(34:23):
don't let it um change, theydon't let it grow, they don't
let it develop into somethingelse.
You want to keep that personwhere they were before and I'm
like that that's very hard todeal with and it weighs on you.
So when they get out of thatrelationship now, it's like
fresh start.
Now I can go be the person thatI was before, or I wanted to be
the person in the future,because I didn't have the time I
had kind of straight.
I had other responsibilities,all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
So I don't I don't know if that's a good comparison
um, having the new me, no, noman type stuff, you know um, I
feel like it's different fordifferent people, cause I feel
like some people that might havebeen in constriction because
you bring up a solid point of,like the if you got to spend a
lot of time with another person,um, and then there are people
who were actively will, like yo,I, they broke up with me, so
(35:06):
now I'm going to make him wishhe stayed with me by going and
doing all the stuff that theywere hoping I would do when we
were actually together.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
And then it's also fear too.
Fears the motivator.
Now you're back in the market.
You don't know how things wereor how they are now.
So now I was like I got tocompete with these girls and
these young nuts.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
So there, you know, let's, let's, let's stay on that
point for a second, because Ipersonally and this is not, this
is why I say I say it on bothsides, because this is not a one
sided situation with me I also,uh, just because I'm in a
relationship with somebody, itdoesn't mean that somebody else
I'm not competing with.
I don't.
The competition for theiraffection doesn't stop, in my
opinion, just because I'm in arelationship with them, and I'm
(35:47):
very cognizant of that.
So it's not like I'm putting umstandards on somebody else that
I wouldn't hold myself to.
You know what I mean.
That's why I will go to the gym,that's why I will try to keep
up with myself.
I keep, I keep on my dress andkeep up with things that I do.
It's because I know that thatdoesn't the competition doesn't
stop.
But that works both ways.
You know what I mean.
The competition doesn't stopjust because you're in a
(36:08):
relationship, and I feel likeit's kind of delusional for
people to to feel like, justbecause your relationship was
reached a certain emotionalpoint, that nobody's going to
find your partner attractiveanymore.
But but you, but they walkoutside the house Like you know
what I mean.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Like people have that mentality sometimes.
It why why, why?
Speaker 1 (36:28):
why do you think that is?
Would they feel like I feellike to be personal?
I feel like it's kind ofarrogant in my if, if I was to
have the perspective to knowthat just because my partner
loves me, that nobody's going tolike her when she walks out the
house.
And now I don't want to donothing, no more to keep up with
myself.
Isn't that arrogant?
Speaker 2 (36:46):
to a certain degree it definitely is.
You can see, I've met people inrelationships like that where
it's very You're not goinganywhere because I'm the best
that you can do.
So, Person like, well, I wouldlike.
No, I don't want to do that, Idon't want to be in a
relationship with somebody likethat.
But there's people whogenuinely think that, um,
(37:08):
especially when you haven't.
So, so the thing now, I guess,when men are settling down,
they're settling down with womenthat are have just been around
and this one's kind of stuckwith me, so okay.
I guess all I guess she'll bethe one.
Um, and women have had thepersonality, that or the idea
that, okay, well, if I juststick it out long enough, he'll
choose me and I'll be it.
(37:29):
So I Having that kind ofrelationship, it makes it harder
to have the oh, you know, youshould be in the gym and working
out and being this way when,like you said, it's one sided
and the only one person Isexpected to do those things.
Um, it can be eye-opening whenthat person actually gets the,
the self-esteem level, get theirself-esteem up, and they're
(37:49):
able to get out of therelationship and then look back
to like, what was I thinking?
What was I doing?
This is crazy.
And then you still have thatother person who's still in that
mentality where you can't do,you never do any better.
That's it.
I'm all you got Trying to holdsomebody down, hold them back,
whatever.
It's just weird.
I don't understand it.
But I think that plays a roleinto the whole.
Um, I want you to look or, uh,act or appear a certain way.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
I think it's interesting because I I really
struggle between the beinghonest when you just being
forthcoming, like listen, thereare, especially If you're and I
believe this is what anybody Ibelieve somebody's gonna be
attracted to you like it.
I'm not saying that you walkout and women are just falling.
Women are, men are just fallingover you, like that, I don't
(38:34):
know, like somebody didn't knowlike somebody's gonna like,
gonna like this person when theywalk out, and I just think that
if that person, if the if youdon't have both people actively
making efforts to try to keepthe other person's attention and
Outside of just like payingbills and hanging out together
and living your life together, Ithink you're doing your
(38:55):
relationship a disservice.
I just think it's a disservice.
I think if you're falling intoa rut of this because you know
how easy it is it's easy to know, so easy to fall into the rut
of just paying bills and goingto work.
And then you look up in yearsof past.
You know what I mean.
So it's easy to just Get intothat routine of day, that daily
routine of things, um, but it'skind of.
(39:15):
And then what ends up happening?
Maybe they get divorced, right,they both get new relationships
and they're like oh, this iswhat I've been waiting for all
my life, like I feel young againand then the life, life is
happening again Like that'sbecause you got into that rut
with that other person.
Y'all were just going throughlife together and if the maybe
if these things didn't everexpress more openly, there would
be less of these kind ofbreakups.
(39:36):
Maybe if it was it because Ithink that it becomes such you
look at it as a stigma of beingso superficial that you don't
want to express it right,because you don't want to look
like you're just here, just forthat.
But I think you're doingyourself as a disservice to act
like that.
Does that the physical part isnot playing a part for why you
are there.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Yeah, I would agree it does.
It does play a part, um, but Ialso think that part is like I
said, it changes in it, it grows, it becomes what percentage do
you feel like that part shouldplay the melody fight.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
That should pay 50, 50, 20, 20 percent, 15 percent.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
Oh, I will.
Speaker 1 (40:15):
I would say, and just for you personally, not for
like everybody else Well, likewhat?
Speaker 2 (40:19):
would it be for you?
Speaker 1 (40:20):
personally.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
It.
I would say 30 percentdisposable, because I feel like
my attraction it's it's not justabout what you, what you look
like, who like.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
I need more than that , Especially long term right.
Especially long term, becauseyour appearance is not going to
keep me there forever.
It's appreciating asset, forsure.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
So I I feel like I need to havesome.
You gotta have some quality ofpersonality.
I can't be talking to a rock.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I will not hold a conversation with me, so, um, no
, they know what if that changesas well, because we've been
talking a lot about the physicalwhen I really I'm just talking
more so just about changes thathappen in relationships.
Some of them are physical, someof them are behavior.
Like I said, if you even thegym, the gym is a physical
situation but it's also abehavior and you're, let's say,
that you meet a person and theyY'all you read books that were
(41:09):
out or they were an outdoorsperson and then you meet them
and no, they're not an outdoorsperson anymore, like you know
the things that that interestyou to this human being.
Not saying that you got to stayfrozen in time forever, but I
feel like you should give it,you should pay attention to what
your significant other withyour partner, uh, would
attracted you, I would agreethere and Keeping you to kind of
(41:31):
there.
Speaker 2 (41:33):
I feel like it's also , if things change like that, I
think, especially than theirhome personality shifts, I think
there might be a deeper, deeperissue or something else that
you might want to address, andit's not just the apparent stuff
or or them not doing certainactivities anymore.
I'd be more concerned like, hey, what's?
How are you feeling?
Like what's going on?
Honestly, because that canshift people Like as well, and
(41:56):
they don't even look at that.
They just see like, oh well,you were going to the gym before
, but now you're not.
You're getting, you're gettinga little chunky on there.
Like what's going on.
It could also be like, hey, you,why aren't you going to the gym
?
What's caused you not to wantto go or not be able to go, and
how can I help?
Because I know this issomething that you liked, I know
this is something that you carefor About and the value that
(42:17):
you have, and I see that it's,it's no longer there.
So what, what happened, what?
What's going on?
I think those those questions,those deeper questions should,
should be asked and looked at,because that can, they could be
going through extreme depressionand that's why they don't want
to.
They don't even want to get upin the morning or there's
something stressful situation atwork that I'm not telling you
about.
That's why I don't want to goto these events anymore, when I
(42:39):
used to enjoy it and all kind ofstuff.
I think you have to really lookpast Just the the first thing
that you see and get a littlebit deeper, especially if
somebody you truly care about, Iwant to know what it is like,
what's really going on.
That's how we fix that partbefore we come back to oh you
know, get the gym.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
I think that's where it at least starts, at least at
least having a conversation,because I believe the problem is
is that a lot of People ignoreit and then the other persons
are believing, or be they cheatmaybe they're believing, or
split that because they'reyou're, they're literally dating
a different human being.
They're literally with a wholedifferent person than what got
them there.
You know what I mean.
I don't believe that people areobligated to just Sit through
(43:16):
their life like that and waitfor people to get it together.
You know what I mean.
Like you, I do believe, um, inbeing honest about it, because I
I'm not.
I wouldn't just run out andthen just be like yo, I got the
person that I got the personthat I was looking for.
I'm gonna be honest, but Ibelieve that once a person is
honest with you and they'rebeing transparent with you, I
(43:39):
really feel like there's notreally much more a person owes
you.
Like I don't feel like peopleowe you, owe you their life or
would owe me their life becausethey're in a relationship with
me.
You know what I mean.
Like I, if they're not findingthat contract.
We got married you you'rewalking out of this thing.
Like you know, it's a situationwhere I, I, I Don't believe
(44:02):
that people like pledge theirlife to others like that and it
would, with no kind of would, nokind of Standards.
You know what I mean.
Or with like hey, you can doanything now like we're, we're
we're together now.
It doesn't really matter, andthen I'll never bring it up
right exactly and I feel likethere's, there's, if people are
more Transparent about that,then maybe some relationships
(44:24):
get saved versus a person justcompletely stepping out on a
person who fits what that personused to be you know what I mean
and instead of just talking tothat person but I do believe
that there's, especially from aguy, the dynamics a little
different.
But from a guy to a womanstandpoint it can come off as a
possessive, you know what I mean.
It can come off as like Um oh,you're just with me.
For the physical, it to actlike I just saw your mental from
(44:47):
across the room and approachedyou Like I feel like it's
delusional as to what actuallyis happening in life.
Speaker 2 (44:55):
You never think the body across the room, a girl,
your mind.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
Right, man, I've been hurt since.
The humor is amazing, let meget over there.
You know what I mean.
Like Me personally, especiallymade me visual and I'm
definitely that guy.
It's, it's, it's not and any ofyou are.
It's Handling your business.
I believe other people,especially this day and age man,
other people will step inInstantaneously.
(45:20):
You know what I mean,especially if they sense that
you know, and I feel like that'swomen and men Right, if you
sense that other person you like, this person, this person
object of your affection, youfit their type, you feel like
you'll be a better person thantheir partner.
The partner takes them forgranted Person gonna step in the
nail you know what I mean andthey're gonna make a move on
that situation.
If the person that Talk totheir partner earlier, maybe
(45:41):
they could have gotten around.
I'm not saying that it's a fixin in it all be at all, but I
feel like maybe you could havegot ahead of that a little bit.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
Yeah, I mean this communication on both parts
definitely agree.
But I feel like you.
Somebody can only get get intoa space when you allow them room
to.
So if you're not Giving themthat room, they can't get in.
It doesn't matter how muchthey're.
Just like oh, she don't reallycare about you, like I need to
type stuff, like no, you're notgiving her that room to be it in
there or telling her yourbusiness, then and I don't think
(46:09):
you know, stepping out on onsomething like that would be,
wouldn't?
It doesn't make sense to me.
Yeah, I don't give that part.
But I also feel like Going backto saying people change and
good, getting older andeverything for sure most women
stay with men when things happen.
Say he gets older and has to goto hospital, or he's in a coma,
(46:30):
or you know, something medicallyhappens or just a freak
accident, or whatever.
Speaker 1 (46:34):
Women stay study she's like you feel, like Ben
don't.
Speaker 2 (46:38):
No, not at all like Friend.
She's up, she's in there, sheworks in our office.
No, she's like yeah, yeah,number of men who just she wants
me to have somebody else.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Yo, is that not?
Is that that's not too crazy?
Because I feel like you reallylove a person.
Isn't that what you want?
Do you want a person to change,a person to die with me?
Like, are you serious?
I'm not dead yet.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
I'm not dead yet.
Okay, before that, she hascancer or she has something else
that you?
Know, I will pull up the studyand I'll send it to you.
They don't stay, women do.
Women will carry it through, gothrough everything.
(47:23):
That's why some of them, intheir getting into relationships
when they get older, when theyfind out that they have a
medical issue, a heart-to-heartkidney problem, that's when they
get booed up.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
You might boot up a nurse, like what you're doing.
That is so that yo, that's that.
That's hilarious.
I Feel like, well, we're gonnahave more conversations like
this.
I definitely appreciate anoutside perspective here to know
(47:53):
.
Thank you for, for joining meand kind of giving me that and
giving the audience that.
Speaker 2 (47:58):
Thank you for Awakening me to the realization
that you can't tell that I'mjust hilarious and witty.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Well, educating people one person at a time.
Here is Reggie Nate.
Yeah, check us out, stitcher.
I heart radio, google podcast,apple podcast, spotify, where
you find your podcast.
See you next time, all right,great.
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