September 5, 2025 • 13 mins
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Are you struggling to save your marriage and wondering where to begin? In this video, I’ll walk you through 5 mindset shifts to save your marriage—practical and proven ways to reframe how you think, act, and grow in your relationship.
These five shifts cover the essential questions of who, what, when, where, and why. You’ll discover:
- Why doing this for yourself (not just your spouse) is critical
- What strategies actually work to rebuild connection instead of quick-fix gimmicks
- How long it really takes to restore a marriage in crisis
- Where your focus should be to break free from negativity and resentment
- Why your deeper motivation will keep you going when things feel impossible
Drawing from psychology, performance research, and Marriage Helper’s decades of experience, this video will give you the clarity and encouragement you need to take the right steps forward.
If you want a stronger marriage, it begins with your mindset. These shifts can make the difference between staying stuck and moving toward reconciliation and growth.
👉 Watch until the end—because the last mindset shift is the most important one.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://bit.ly/4fhb9Yz
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What are the mindset shifts that you need to focus on
when you're trying to save yourmarriage?
There's actually five of them,and that's what we're going to
be discussing in today's video,and the most important one is
the last one.
I love talking about mindset.
It's actually a huge part ofwhat I've learned in my PhD
studies in psychology andspecifically in the area of
(00:22):
performance psychology, and oneof the things that we know from
high-performing people, whetherthat be athletes, navy SEALs,
marines, executives, whatever itmight be is that mindset is
almost everything.
In fact, it is a very commonbelief in the athletic field
(00:42):
that our minds are what limitwhat our bodies can do, way
before our bodies begin to breakdown.
So how does this apply to?
Our marriages is likely whatyou're thinking, and I'm going
to explain it right now.
The five mindset shifts thatneed to happen are going to be
who, what, when, where and why.
(01:03):
So let's start with number onewho.
The first mindset that you needto really understand is who are
you doing this for?
Who are you trying to impress?
Who are you trying to getfeedback from?
And here's the thing you'rethinking my spouse?
My marriage is in crisis.
(01:25):
Of course, I am doing this formy wife or for my husband?
But that's the first thing thatpeople believe, and things
start to fall off track.
And you might think, kimberly,that sounds absolutely crazy.
What are you talking about?
If you are only doing this toget your wife back, or to get
your husband back and to gettheir temporary glance back
(01:47):
towards you and for them tostart moving closer to you,
you're actually, ironically,doing it for the wrong person.
Who else should you be doing itfor?
You might ask.
And the answer is you.
And here's why Because if youare only looking to your spouse
as the indicator of whether whatyou're doing is working or not,
(02:12):
then anything you do and maybeyou're doing all the right
things You're actually takingthings a day at a time.
You're practicing the smartcontact that we teach at
Marriage Helper.
You're working on yourselfphysically, intellectually,
emotionally and spiritually,which we call the pies at
Marriage Helper.
When you begin doing thosethings, which are the right
things to do, it can take a longtime for your spouse to
(02:36):
actually turn back towards youand to begin to move towards you
.
Spouse, to actually turn backtowards you and to begin to move
towards you.
On the other hand, there's alot of shady, gimmicky types of
things that you'll hear outthere on the internet, of things
like post your best life everonline so that they get fear of
missing out, or start going ondates with other people so that
(02:57):
they'll begin to miss what theyhad and want you back.
And guess what?
You might get a quickerreaction from your spouse if you
use those tactics.
But you're doing it the wrongway and you're doing it with the
wrong mindset.
If you're only doing it to getyour spouse back and not because
you want to be, ultimately, abetter person, you want to be a
(03:18):
better husband, you want to be abetter wife that is the first
person you should do this for,not as a manipulation tactic to
try and get your spouse back,but because it's the best thing
you can do for you.
We should enter into ourmarriages from the get-go
wanting to be the best versionof ourselves, but it shouldn't
stop when we say I do.
That is something that has tocontinue for the rest of our
(03:41):
lives and that's a great thing.
So the first mindset shift iswho are you doing this for?
And I hope the answer is you,of course you want to do it for
your kids.
Of course, you want to do itfor your family, of course, and
those aren't bad things.
But when those are your solefocus and you take the focus off
of you actually changing tobecome the person you need to be
(04:02):
, that's where things can falloff track.
So then, the second mindset weneed to cover is what?
What is it that you aresupposed to do?
Again, we go back to a lot ofthings you hear.
You think if you just send theright text message or say the
right words, then your spouse isgoing to come crawling back to
you.
(04:22):
But it is the incorrect mindsetto have the what isn't a quick
fix.
Your marriage didn't get hereovernight.
It's not going to be fixedovernight.
You have to actually startdoing things differently,
consistently, over time, inorder to see the results you
want.
So what are the things you needto do?
(04:42):
I don't have time in this videoto get into all of the
psychological principles and thenitty-gritty of this subject,
but here's what I can tell you.
It's called push-pull.
You want to stop doing thethings that are pushing your
spouse away and you want tobegin doing the things that can
pull your spouse back towardsyou, and that is the things that
can pull your spouse backtowards you, and that is the
(05:02):
proprietary principle that weteach at Marriage Helper.
From our own research of whatwe have found over the years is
the push-pull principle Stopdoing the things that push your
spouse away and begin doing thethings that pull your spouse
back towards you.
And if you want to know moreabout that, we have a full, free
mini course that teaches youhow you can begin to stop the
(05:23):
pushes and start the pulls, andyou can find that in the show
notes below or probablysomewhere on the screen.
So what do you need to do?
Not the gimmicks, but the triedand true things, not even
tactics, the tools that willlead your spouse, if anything
works, to come back.
The third mindset shift that youneed to have is when?
(05:43):
How long is this going to take?
That's a question people ask meall the time and, honestly,
you're not going to love theanswer, but I promise to always
tell you the truth.
The truth is, your marriagedidn't get to where it is
overnight.
It's not going to be fixedovernight, like we just said.
In fact, it's more than likelythat your marriage began showing
(06:06):
problems, statistically, sixyears ago Now again, that's a
statistic.
So if you've been married twoyears and thinking but I wasn't
married six years ago, this islumping everyone together.
From research we know that onaverage, couples start
experiencing problems six yearsbefore they ever get to the
point of reaching out to helpfor those problems.
(06:27):
Now here's one thing I know.
When I have some kind of injury, like if I've sprained my ankle
or injured my shoulder, or if Ihave a low back pain or
something, and I don't get helpfor that and I just keep pushing
through and saying everythingwill be fine, what happens?
The longer I ignore the injuryand just try and push through,
(06:48):
the worse it gets.
If you don't actually do thingsto repair and rebuild and
fortify and strengthen, then thethings are only going to get
worse, and the same is true inour marriages.
So when is this going to happen?
When are you going to get worse?
And the same is true in ourmarriages.
So when is this going to happen?
When are you going to startseeing your spouse begin to turn
back towards you?
How long is this going to take?
I don't know, but it's going totake longer than a week, longer
(07:15):
than a month, maybe sometimeslonger than a year, and you may
be sitting there thinking Ican't wait that long.
You're stronger than you thinkyou are.
This is your most importantearthly relationship.
Isn't it worth giving it allyou have to turn it around and
to bring it back, isn't it?
(07:35):
Isn't it worth it for you?
Isn't it worth it for your kids?
Isn't it worth it to try andkeep your family together?
I fully, fully believe that itis, and so it's going to take
you doing the right thingsconsistently over time, and it's
going to take months, honestly,for full reconciliation to
(07:56):
happen and for your marriage tobe stronger than ever before.
It's going to take a couple ofyears, but it's during those
years you're going to grow,you're going to become stronger.
You're actually through thattrial and through all of the
suffering and how much it allsucks.
You're going to come out theother side realizing that you
(08:17):
have grown so much more than youever thought you would.
You are stronger than you everthought you would be, but it's
only because you perseveredthrough the trial.
So persevere.
Get that into your mindsetshift.
The fourth question and mindsetshift, then, that we have to
have is where and you might bethinking, where are we going
(08:39):
with this one.
Where is your mind now?
What are you thinking about?
Are you thinking about how muchyou hate your spouse currently,
how angry you are, how much youresent them for what they've
done to you?
Where your mind is is whereyour heart is, and where your
heart is is what your mouthspeaks.
(08:59):
And if your mindset is in anegative place, you are going to
end up being a negative person.
You're actually going to end upthwarting your own growth.
You're not going to be able tosee the change that you wish
that you could see, because ofyour own mindset.
So where is your mind currently?
Instead, if you were to focuson the good, the hopeful, the
(09:25):
things that are going right, itchanges you.
A couple of weeks ago, I had ananxiety attack, and many of you
who have watched me for a whileknow that I have had anxiety
since I was six years old.
But I really focus on it.
I have to focus on keeping mymind in a positive place.
But here's the thing when Ifeel an anxiety attack beginning
(09:45):
to come on, here's the thing.
When I feel an anxiety attackbeginning to come on, I know
like it starts here.
It starts in my thoughts, andif I allow my mind to focus on
those anxious thoughts and allowmyself to go deeper and deeper
down that hole, the more anxiousI become, until it can become a
full-blown attack, to where I'mjust laying in bed, can't even
get out, don't even know what todo.
(10:08):
Maybe some of you have felt thatway.
Maybe you felt that way withanger, or maybe you felt that
way with depression.
Maybe you felt that way, likeme, with anxiety.
Maybe you felt that way withresentment.
The more you focus on thatthing, the more you feel it and
you don't like the person youare when you are that way, when
you're thinking about that thing.
So then replace that thought.
(10:30):
Where is your mind?
Put it on the good.
My favorite book says whateveris praiseworthy, whatever is
true, whatever is good, thinkabout those things.
So that's what you need to dotoo.
I've started a practice withboth of my kids.
Every night, as I go to tuckthem in, the first question I
ask is what are three goodthings?
That happened today?
(10:50):
And let's be real, especiallywith my son, who tends to focus
on all the things that didn't gothe way he wanted it to, it was
a struggle.
It was a struggle for him tothink of three good things, but
the more we've gotten into thepractice of it, the easier it
becomes, and it will for you too.
So maybe you just start thereevery day.
What are three good things thathappened today?
(11:13):
That is a great place to start.
Finally, and most importantly,the fifth mindset shift that you
need to have is why?
Why are you doing this?
We know who you should do itfor.
We know what you need to do.
We know when it's going tooccur, how long it's going to
(11:34):
take, we know where your mindsetis makes a huge difference.
But the most important thingand none of those other things
matter until you really focus onthis one is why are you doing
this?
Because if you are only doing itbecause you're just trying to
get your spouse back so thatultimately, one day you could
(11:57):
just end up hurting them the waythey hurt you, you might be
thinking Kimberly.
That sounds crazy.
I've seen this happen so manytimes, where really, the spouse
who's being left just wants toget their spouse back so they
can end up having their revengeaffair.
It's not the right mindset.
Why are you doing this?
Are you doing it because youlove your spouse?
(12:18):
Are you doing it because youwant to see your family stay
together.
These are the whys that youneed to start with, in order to
keep you focused and to keep youdoing these things day in and
day out.
When it takes time, when you'renot getting the feedback from
your spouse that you hoped youwould, when all of it still
(12:40):
feels like it's not working, thewhy is what is going to keep
you doing the things, the rightthings and the next right thing
that you need to do in order tosave your marriage.
It's not wrong for your why tobe because I love my spouse and
I love my family and I want tomake this work.
The more emotional you can getabout your why, the stronger you
(13:04):
will be committed to savingyour marriage, no matter what
crazy things life throws yourway.
Why are you doing this?
And maybe you might be thinking, but I don't know right now.
If I love my spouse, how can I,with all the hurt and pain that
I feel and that's okay too Ifyour why is I made a commitment
(13:25):
and I want to do everything Ican to see this through some
days.
That is enough.
Do everything I can to see thisthrough Some days.
That is enough.
Why do you want to save yourmarriage and commit to doing it,
to doing the right things evenwhen life gets hard?
And these are the five mindsetshifts that, if anything works
to help you save your marriage,this will.
What are the mindset shifts that you need to focus on
when you're trying to save yourmarriage?
There's actually five of them,and that's what we're going to
be discussing in today's video,and the most important one is
the last one.
I love talking about mindset.
It's actually a huge part ofwhat I've learned in my PhD
studies in psychology andspecifically in the area of
(00:22):
performance psychology, and oneof the things that we know from
high-performing people, whetherthat be athletes, navy SEALs,
marines, executives, whatever itmight be is that mindset is
almost everything.
In fact, it is a very commonbelief in the athletic field
(00:42):
that our minds are what limitwhat our bodies can do, way
before our bodies begin to breakdown.
So how does this apply to?
Our marriages is likely whatyou're thinking, and I'm going
to explain it right now.
The five mindset shifts thatneed to happen are going to be
who, what, when, where and why.
(01:03):
So let's start with number onewho.
The first mindset that you needto really understand is who are
you doing this for?
Who are you trying to impress?
Who are you trying to getfeedback from?
And here's the thing you'rethinking my spouse?
My marriage is in crisis.
(01:25):
Of course, I am doing this formy wife or for my husband?
But that's the first thing thatpeople believe, and things
start to fall off track.
And you might think, kimberly,that sounds absolutely crazy.
What are you talking about?
If you are only doing this toget your wife back, or to get
your husband back and to gettheir temporary glance back
(01:47):
towards you and for them tostart moving closer to you,
you're actually, ironically,doing it for the wrong person.
Who else should you be doing itfor?
You might ask.
And the answer is you.
And here's why Because if youare only looking to your spouse
as the indicator of whether whatyou're doing is working or not,
(02:12):
then anything you do and maybeyou're doing all the right
things You're actually takingthings a day at a time.
You're practicing the smartcontact that we teach at
Marriage Helper.
You're working on yourselfphysically, intellectually,
emotionally and spiritually,which we call the pies at
Marriage Helper.
When you begin doing thosethings, which are the right
things to do, it can take a longtime for your spouse to
(02:36):
actually turn back towards youand to begin to move towards you
.
Spouse, to actually turn backtowards you and to begin to move
towards you.
On the other hand, there's alot of shady, gimmicky types of
things that you'll hear outthere on the internet, of things
like post your best life everonline so that they get fear of
missing out, or start going ondates with other people so that
(02:57):
they'll begin to miss what theyhad and want you back.
And guess what?
You might get a quickerreaction from your spouse if you
use those tactics.
But you're doing it the wrongway and you're doing it with the
wrong mindset.
If you're only doing it to getyour spouse back and not because
you want to be, ultimately, abetter person, you want to be a
(03:18):
better husband, you want to be abetter wife that is the first
person you should do this for,not as a manipulation tactic to
try and get your spouse back,but because it's the best thing
you can do for you.
We should enter into ourmarriages from the get-go
wanting to be the best versionof ourselves, but it shouldn't
stop when we say I do.
That is something that has tocontinue for the rest of our
(03:41):
lives and that's a great thing.
So the first mindset shift iswho are you doing this for?
And I hope the answer is you,of course you want to do it for
your kids.
Of course, you want to do itfor your family, of course, and
those aren't bad things.
But when those are your solefocus and you take the focus off
of you actually changing tobecome the person you need to be
(04:02):
, that's where things can falloff track.
So then, the second mindset weneed to cover is what?
What is it that you aresupposed to do?
Again, we go back to a lot ofthings you hear.
You think if you just send theright text message or say the
right words, then your spouse isgoing to come crawling back to
you.
(04:22):
But it is the incorrect mindsetto have the what isn't a quick
fix.
Your marriage didn't get hereovernight.
It's not going to be fixedovernight.
You have to actually startdoing things differently,
consistently, over time, inorder to see the results you
want.
So what are the things you needto do?
(04:42):
I don't have time in this videoto get into all of the
psychological principles and thenitty-gritty of this subject,
but here's what I can tell you.
It's called push-pull.
You want to stop doing thethings that are pushing your
spouse away and you want tobegin doing the things that can
pull your spouse back towardsyou, and that is the things that
can pull your spouse backtowards you, and that is the
(05:02):
proprietary principle that weteach at Marriage Helper.
From our own research of whatwe have found over the years is
the push-pull principle Stopdoing the things that push your
spouse away and begin doing thethings that pull your spouse
back towards you.
And if you want to know moreabout that, we have a full, free
mini course that teaches youhow you can begin to stop the
(05:23):
pushes and start the pulls, andyou can find that in the show
notes below or probablysomewhere on the screen.
So what do you need to do?
Not the gimmicks, but the triedand true things, not even
tactics, the tools that willlead your spouse, if anything
works, to come back.
The third mindset shift that youneed to have is when?
(05:43):
How long is this going to take?
That's a question people ask meall the time and, honestly,
you're not going to love theanswer, but I promise to always
tell you the truth.
The truth is, your marriagedidn't get to where it is
overnight.
It's not going to be fixedovernight, like we just said.
In fact, it's more than likelythat your marriage began showing
(06:06):
problems, statistically, sixyears ago Now again, that's a
statistic.
So if you've been married twoyears and thinking but I wasn't
married six years ago, this islumping everyone together.
From research we know that onaverage, couples start
experiencing problems six yearsbefore they ever get to the
point of reaching out to helpfor those problems.
(06:27):
Now here's one thing I know.
When I have some kind of injury, like if I've sprained my ankle
or injured my shoulder, or if Ihave a low back pain or
something, and I don't get helpfor that and I just keep pushing
through and saying everythingwill be fine, what happens?
The longer I ignore the injuryand just try and push through,
(06:48):
the worse it gets.
If you don't actually do thingsto repair and rebuild and
fortify and strengthen, then thethings are only going to get
worse, and the same is true inour marriages.
So when is this going to happen?
When are you going to get worse?
And the same is true in ourmarriages.
So when is this going to happen?
When are you going to startseeing your spouse begin to turn
back towards you?
How long is this going to take?
I don't know, but it's going totake longer than a week, longer
(07:15):
than a month, maybe sometimeslonger than a year, and you may
be sitting there thinking Ican't wait that long.
You're stronger than you thinkyou are.
This is your most importantearthly relationship.
Isn't it worth giving it allyou have to turn it around and
to bring it back, isn't it?
(07:35):
Isn't it worth it for you?
Isn't it worth it for your kids?
Isn't it worth it to try andkeep your family together?
I fully, fully believe that itis, and so it's going to take
you doing the right thingsconsistently over time, and it's
going to take months, honestly,for full reconciliation to
(07:56):
happen and for your marriage tobe stronger than ever before.
It's going to take a couple ofyears, but it's during those
years you're going to grow,you're going to become stronger.
You're actually through thattrial and through all of the
suffering and how much it allsucks.
You're going to come out theother side realizing that you
(08:17):
have grown so much more than youever thought you would.
You are stronger than you everthought you would be, but it's
only because you perseveredthrough the trial.
So persevere.
Get that into your mindsetshift.
The fourth question and mindsetshift, then, that we have to
have is where and you might bethinking, where are we going
(08:39):
with this one.
Where is your mind now?
What are you thinking about?
Are you thinking about how muchyou hate your spouse currently,
how angry you are, how much youresent them for what they've
done to you?
Where your mind is is whereyour heart is, and where your
heart is is what your mouthspeaks.
(08:59):
And if your mindset is in anegative place, you are going to
end up being a negative person.
You're actually going to end upthwarting your own growth.
You're not going to be able tosee the change that you wish
that you could see, because ofyour own mindset.
So where is your mind currently?
Instead, if you were to focuson the good, the hopeful, the
(09:25):
things that are going right, itchanges you.
A couple of weeks ago, I had ananxiety attack, and many of you
who have watched me for a whileknow that I have had anxiety
since I was six years old.
But I really focus on it.
I have to focus on keeping mymind in a positive place.
But here's the thing when Ifeel an anxiety attack beginning
(09:45):
to come on, here's the thing.
When I feel an anxiety attackbeginning to come on, I know
like it starts here.
It starts in my thoughts, andif I allow my mind to focus on
those anxious thoughts and allowmyself to go deeper and deeper
down that hole, the more anxiousI become, until it can become a
full-blown attack, to where I'mjust laying in bed, can't even
get out, don't even know what todo.
(10:08):
Maybe some of you have felt thatway.
Maybe you felt that way withanger, or maybe you felt that
way with depression.
Maybe you felt that way, likeme, with anxiety.
Maybe you felt that way withresentment.
The more you focus on thatthing, the more you feel it and
you don't like the person youare when you are that way, when
you're thinking about that thing.
So then replace that thought.
(10:30):
Where is your mind?
Put it on the good.
My favorite book says whateveris praiseworthy, whatever is
true, whatever is good, thinkabout those things.
So that's what you need to dotoo.
I've started a practice withboth of my kids.
Every night, as I go to tuckthem in, the first question I
ask is what are three goodthings?
That happened today?
(10:50):
And let's be real, especiallywith my son, who tends to focus
on all the things that didn't gothe way he wanted it to, it was
a struggle.
It was a struggle for him tothink of three good things, but
the more we've gotten into thepractice of it, the easier it
becomes, and it will for you too.
So maybe you just start thereevery day.
What are three good things thathappened today?
(11:13):
That is a great place to start.
Finally, and most importantly,the fifth mindset shift that you
need to have is why?
Why are you doing this?
We know who you should do itfor.
We know what you need to do.
We know when it's going tooccur, how long it's going to
(11:34):
take, we know where your mindsetis makes a huge difference.
But the most important thingand none of those other things
matter until you really focus onthis one is why are you doing
this?
Because if you are only doing itbecause you're just trying to
get your spouse back so thatultimately, one day you could
(11:57):
just end up hurting them the waythey hurt you, you might be
thinking Kimberly.
That sounds crazy.
I've seen this happen so manytimes, where really, the spouse
who's being left just wants toget their spouse back so they
can end up having their revengeaffair.
It's not the right mindset.
Why are you doing this?
Are you doing it because youlove your spouse?
(12:18):
Are you doing it because youwant to see your family stay
together.
These are the whys that youneed to start with, in order to
keep you focused and to keep youdoing these things day in and
day out.
When it takes time, when you'renot getting the feedback from
your spouse that you hoped youwould, when all of it still
(12:40):
feels like it's not working, thewhy is what is going to keep
you doing the things, the rightthings and the next right thing
that you need to do in order tosave your marriage.
It's not wrong for your why tobe because I love my spouse and
I love my family and I want tomake this work.
The more emotional you can getabout your why, the stronger you
(13:04):
will be committed to savingyour marriage, no matter what
crazy things life throws yourway.
Why are you doing this?
And maybe you might be thinking, but I don't know right now.
If I love my spouse, how can I,with all the hurt and pain that
I feel and that's okay too Ifyour why is I made a commitment
(13:25):
and I want to do everything Ican to see this through some
days.
That is enough.
Do everything I can to see thisthrough Some days.
That is enough.
Why do you want to save yourmarriage and commit to doing it,
to doing the right things evenwhen life gets hard?
And these are the five mindsetshifts that, if anything works
to help you save your marriage,this will.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.