Are You Being Gaslighted In Your Marriage?

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Are you being gaslighted in your marriage, or is something else going on beneath the surface? In this video, Kimberly Beam Holmes breaks down what gaslighting actually is, how to know if it’s truly happening, and when a painful pattern in your marriage might be caused by miscommunication, different backgrounds, fear, or unhealed wounds—not intentional manipulation.

If you’ve ever felt confused, crazy, or like you’re losing your grip on reality during arguments with your spouse, this is the video you need to watch. You’ll learn the real signs of gaslighting, what makes it different from normal disagreements, and the three key statements you can use to set boundaries, stay grounded, and stop getting pulled into endless arguments.

Kimberly also explains why the term “gaslighting” is often misused, how fear can drive controlling behavior, and why two people can remember the same event in completely different ways. Most importantly, she shows you what to do when you feel invalidated, dismissed, blamed, or overwhelmed in conversations with your spouse.

In this video, you’ll learn:

• What actual gaslighting looks like in marriage
• The difference between gaslighting and conflicting perspectives
• How past experiences shape how spouses interpret situations
• Why you may feel "crazy" even when no one is gaslighting you
• Signs of emotional control or manipulation
• Three powerful statements that help you stay calm and set healthy boundaries
• How to reset destructive communication patterns
• When it’s time to pause the conversation—and how to exit with strength
• How to turn painful conflicts into productive conversations

Whether gaslighting is happening or you’re simply stuck in damaging communication loops, this video gives you actionable next steps to protect your sanity, improve conversations, and move your marriage toward healing.

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Are you being gaslighted or is it something
else?
Or is it, are you being gaslit?
Whichever way you want to viewit, we are going to be talking
about that in this video.
So if you have ever been in asituation where you feel crazy,
where you feel like you arelosing your sanity, then stop
here.
This is the video you need towatch because I'm going to be

(00:21):
explaining what might behappening, what might not be
happening.
How do you know if it's actuallygaslighting or if it's something
else?
But either way, there's going tobe three key statements that I'm
going to share with you that youcan use when you feel stuck in
these kinds of situations tohelp you set boundaries and feel

(00:42):
sane again.
My name is Kimberly Beam Holmes,and I am the CEO at Marriage
Helper.
And honestly, as I havecompleted and been working on my
PhD in psychology, one thingthat you need to know about me
is I am super resistant andreluctant to fall into a lot of
these pop psychology verbs andterms that people use.

(01:06):
I absolutely hate how easilypeople adopt some of these terms
like narcissism or gaslightingand just begin to use them so
commonly as a blanket statementin their lives, whenever things
get hard or whenever they'redealing with difficult
situations and difficult people.
So this video isn't going to beone of those where I just say,

(01:29):
yes, you're probably beinggaslighted.
And here's what you need to do.
I'm actually going to kind ofmake you think because that's
what you actually need to do.
It's really easy to throw a termat a hard situation and a hard
relationship.
But the more difficult thing andthe stronger thing for you to do
is to really identify what's thecore issue, what can I do about

(01:54):
it and do that thing in order totry and turn the relationship
around.
So today we're going to covergaslighting.
So here's the core of itgaslighting became a term that's
been used in psychology, but itwas originally even talked about
or the nomenclature came from amovie from the 1940s called

(02:16):
Gaslight.
And it was a movie about ahusband who was intentionally
dimming the lights in his homeand telling his wife whenever
she would say, Why are thelights low?
He was intentionally tellingher, they aren't your imagining
things.
There was an intention on hispart to try and form her
perception of reality.

(02:38):
And so at the core ofgaslighting is this one premise.
It is someone's desire, strongdesire, to try and deeply
control a situation.
And the intention of that personis to try and get the other
person to question their ownsanity and their own reality.

(02:59):
This is deep level control.

Here's the thing (03:03):
you are never going to know the gaslighter,
quote unquote, the gaslighter'sintention in any given
situation, unless theyexplicitly say it, which isn't
gonna happen.
Let's be real.
And so when people throw aroundthis term, I'm being gaslighted,
or you're gaslighting me, you'reassuming, number one, an

(03:25):
intention of another person.
And number two, you might notactually be referring to the
right thing that's happening inyour situation.
As I said, gaslighting is itcame into the psychological
world from this movie.
And so psychology has adoptedthat term as a blanket term to

(03:46):
talk about a deep-seatedmanipulation or control whose
goal and which the goal of is toget a person to question their
sanity and their reality.
This is not common.
Now, control is common and it'svery common in relationships.
But I think the majority of thetime when people say, I feel

(04:07):
like you are gaslighting me, orI feel like this person is
gaslighting me, what is actuallyhappening is that there is a
difference of understanding andof previous experiences.
Let me explain what that means.
Let's say you have two people.
They've gotten married.
One person comes from aChristian upbringing of faith.
They came from a family whostayed together.

(04:30):
Parents never divorced, they hada happy, healthy, secure
childhood and lived a prettygreat life.
Went to school, had all of theirneeds met, and really had a lot
of friends.
That was that is their history.
And this person married someonewho came from extreme abuse in
their background, that came froma situation where they were

(04:52):
constantly criticized, wherethey were constantly put down,
where they didn't know evensometimes where their next meal
was going to come from.
But these two people end upgetting married.
Can you begin to see how theymight actually have two
different interpretations of thesame event?
It's even true that two siblingsthat grow up in the same

(05:14):
household and have the sameparents can remember the same
event that they both experienceddifferently because they are
filtering it through their ownlens of their filters, their
personality styles andtemperaments, the things that
they struggle with, thenarrative going on in their own
head.
My dad and his brother arepretty close in age.

(05:34):
They're about a year apart.
And unfortunately, they grew upin a household with a dad who
was an alcoholic, which was mygrandfather.
And so both of them wouldexperience some of my
grandfather's alcoholic ragesand the things he would say and
the fights that he would havewith his wife, with my grandma.
Both of my both my dad and myuncle would experience this.

(05:56):
But to this day, 60 years, 70years later, when they talk
about those situations, my dadremembers it one way and my
uncle remembers it verydifferently.
That doesn't mean that one ofthem is trying to gaslight the
other.
It means that depending on aculmination of the sum of their

(06:18):
interpretation of their lifeexperiences, they are going to
remember things differently.
And that's okay.
So let's go back to the marriageexample.
We have two people who came fromvery different backgrounds.
And let's say that all of asudden you have a situation
where the wife is beginning tomake her own friend group.
She's going out on weekends,going to girls' nights, and the

(06:41):
husband already is coming from astance of, I am scared of losing
you because I've experienced somuch loss and so much trauma in
my past.
And so as that wife is trying tojust go out and make friends,
the husband begins trying tocontrol out of fear.
We're not going to get into thatin this video.
But as he is trying to control,he might even be trying to get

(07:05):
her to see things differently.
Like you're doing this becauseyou just want to get back at me.
Maybe they had a fight earlierand she's just going out to be
with her girlfriends.
It was already planned, but thehusband is reading into it and
trying to tell her what hermotives are and how her motives
are wrong and how she's reallytrying to just get back at him

(07:26):
or to manipulate him.
When she begins to hear thisover time, she's going to begin
to feel like she is crazy.
She's going to begin to questionher own motives.
She's going to begin to wonderthese things that my husband is
saying because they're comingfrom two totally different

(07:47):
backgrounds.
He's controlling out of fear.
There's a lot of reasons peoplecontrol.
We'll cover that in a completelydifferent video.
But the ultimate outcome is thatthe two people can't get on the
same page.
They keep talking about theirown experiences.
They can't understand eachother.
And over time, this could looklike gaslighting, even when it's

(08:10):
not.
And I would say the majority ofthe time that people say, I'm
being gaslighted, what theyreally are truly experiencing is
that they are struggling tocommunicate with someone that
they just see the worlddifferently than.
Here's the things that you needto look for to understand: is
this just a disagreement thatyou need to figure out how to

(08:32):
understand each other, or isthis something more?
When you're in a disagreementwhere you're trying to get on
the same page with each other,then the key here that you want

to have in this conversation is: are we trying to actually (08:43):
undefined
understand each other?
Are we both in this situationtrying to say, hey, I'm
struggling to see it from yourperspective?
Can you help me understand?
The outcome in a healthydisagreement that you want to
look for, even if you'restruggling to understand how the

(09:03):
other person is interpreting it,the outcome that you're trying
to get to here is getting on thesame page.
And this is the key difference.
Now, if you haven't been havinga healthy type of disagreement
where you just stay stuck inthese cycles and stay stuck in
these loops, then it is going tofeel like gaslighting because

(09:24):
you just keep fighting about thewrong things.
You keep fighting about the wayyou see it versus the way your
spouse sees it, and it's keepingyou stuck in this loop to where
you might feel like you're goingcrazy.
So what you need to do, you needto reset the focus.
So the next time you get intoone of these disagreements, and

(09:45):
let me give you an example here.
When my husband and I first gotmarried, he approached all of
our disagreements in a verylogical way.
I approached most of ourdisagreements in a very
emotion-based way.
When he would come home after along day of work, I was wanting
and craving connection.

(10:05):
He, however, was wanting somealone time to be able to
recharge.
And since we weren't matureenough or using what I'm about
to share with you to really getto the core issues that were
going on, I was just seeing whatmy needs were.
I need connection with him.
I need time with my husband.
I want to feel wanted and lovedand seen.
He was seeing it from theperspective of why can she not

(10:28):
respect my request to have sometime alone?
And so, since we weren't able tospeak each other's language, we
just kept fighting about whatour needs were and saying it
from our perspective.
But because we weren't trying totruly hear or understand the
other person, it just continuedthis cycle.
Maybe you have felt that way.

(10:49):
I mean, he would come home and Iwould say, I want to spend time
with you.
He would say, I need space.
And I would say, Why don't youlove me?
Why are you not paying attentionto me?
Why can't you just do this onething for me?
To where he would begin saying,Why are you so needy?
Why are you so insecure?
And we just fought about thewrong things.

(11:09):
We were attacking each other'scharacter.
We weren't actually looking atthe key of the situation.
And listen, the term gaslightingwasn't really a thing back in
2010 when we were having thesefights.
But if it were, I guarantee you,I probably would have felt like
my husband was gaslighting mebecause he was taking my need
and he was spinning it in a waythat made me feel like maybe I

(11:30):
shouldn't have that need.
But he wasn't gaslighting me.
He cared about me.
I cared about him.
We just didn't know how to speakeach other's language.
And so over time, we began torealize these fights aren't
going anywhere.
They're not helping us to growcloser to each other.
How can we reframe it?
So in our conversations, when wewould begin to fight about this,

(11:53):
we had to learn.
And honestly, it just startedwith one of us.
And honestly, it started withme.
Not to toot my own horn becauseI did so many things wrong.
But one person has to just startdoing the right things in order
to turn a disagreement around.
And if you're watching thisvideo, guess what?
It's you.
So you get to be the one to bethe mature person in the moment

(12:15):
and change the dialogue.
And again, I'm going to give youthree things that you can say,
but I want to take this over togaslighting.
So if it's actually gaslighting,if it's actually where there's
deep control happening, thenit's going to be a consistent
pattern over a long period oftime.
It's going to lack the otherperson ever trying to understand

(12:39):
your point of view.
It's going to include a lot ofcharacter assassination, or
someone might say, you're justtoo stubborn to understand
anything, or you're just tooneedy, or you're just too
emotional.
You can't think clearly.
It's going to include a lot ofstatements like that to make you
second guess who you are.

(13:00):
It's going to make you questionyour sanity and make you feel
like your needs, which areabsolutely valid, are all of a
sudden absolutely unnecessary.
And that's where it begins tobecome a problem.
But like I said, there are threekey things that we want to look
for and three key statementsthat you can say when you feel
like these things are happening.

(13:21):
The first thing that you want tonotice is denial.
Denial is going to happen if yougo to the person and you say,
but you said this.
And they said, That's not what Isaid.
I never said that.
This is one of those instancesthat you can get caught in that
spiral because now you're justgoing to be fighting about who
remembers what.
And honestly, you might rememberwhat the person said a bit

(13:43):
differently.
You remember the gist of it, youremember, you remember the
overall sentiment of it, butmaybe you didn't get the words
quite right.
And those are the things thatyou might start fighting about.
That's not the actual coreissue.
And if you keep going down thatrabbit hole, it's only going to
make it worse.
So when denial comes into place,and maybe you're the one doing
the denying, you have to do somesex, some self-reflection.

(14:04):
But when denial starts tohappen, here's what you can say.
I remember the gist of what wetalked about.
I remember what you said.
I remember what I said.
I remember it.
We don't have to keep rehashingthis out.
Just stand your ground, say thething, and move forward.
Because continuing to stay onthat topic isn't going to make

(14:25):
anything better.
The second thing you want tolook for is invalidation,
especially of feelings.
So when someone says you're justoverreacting, or you're just
cold hearted and don't careabout anything, or you just
don't see reality.
All of those are invalidatingthe way that you feel.
And one of the things that weteach at Marriage Helper is that

(14:47):
your feelings are valid, whetheror not they're based on reality.
Your feelings matter because theway you feel about something is
a signal from inside your bodythat something is wrong.
Or if it's a positive feeling,it's a sign that something is
right.
And so again, as we talked aboutbefore, feelings come out of our

(15:10):
interpretation and the sum ofour interpretation of
experiences that we've had.
I'm gonna have a differentfeeling about a situation than
my husband will.
We aren't supposed to have thesame feelings because we are
wired differently.
That's okay.
It's the invalidation ofsomeone's feelings just because
someone else doesn't feel thatway, or maybe didn't even intend
for the other person to feelthat way.

(15:31):
The invalidation is what leadsto the negative cycle.
So when you feel like yourfeelings are being invalidated,
all you have to say is, I'm notdebating my feelings.
That's it.
That is how I feel.
We're not going to debate it.
We don't have to debate it.
You can stand your groundwithout engaging in the

(15:54):
conflict.
The third thing that you want tolook for in these types of
discussions is what's calledcountering.
So instead of a person takingblame themselves and being able
to see how they might have donesomething that affects you, they
might say something like, You'rethe one with the problem.
One of the callers from a recentcall-in show that we did here at
Marriage Helper called in andsaid, The issue that I'm having

(16:14):
with my husband is I can't gethim to talk to me.
He's completely disconnecting.
He wants me to try and fixthings, but I can't figure out
what to do.
We asked some questions to tryand understand what the core
issue was.
And what we found out was therehad been a history of
infidelity, but there wascurrent flirting.
The wife was still reaching outto other men, trying to just

(16:37):
flirt with them.
She liked the dopamine high, soto say.

(17:33):
There's unforgiveness in yourrelationship, and that needs to
be dealt with.
But if you're able to say, no,there is not something that I
have done that has been leftunforgiven or that we haven't
talked about, they're justcontinuing to turn the tables
back at me.
And listen, like there's anasterisk here we have to put no
one's ever perfect.
There's always things that wecan that we can forgive.

(17:54):
But if there's not something bigthat is really the thing here,
and again, the person is alsokind of using this as a
character assassination, likeyou're the problem, it's not me.
It's defensiveness and it'strying to put the blame back on
you.
Then the key statement that youcan say in this kind of
situation is listen, this iswhat I'm feeling.

(18:15):
This has been my experience.
I am telling you the way that Ifeel for us to work together to
try and make it better, not forus to just stay stuck in this
cycle.
Your spouse, if they have beensaying these kinds of things to
you, and if you feel like you'regoing crazy, then the thing that

(18:35):
you need to focus on is notgoing down the rabbit trails.
You can use statements like,these are my feelings and they
are valid.
This is my experience and it'show I feel.
Let's work together to try andfigure out the core issue.
Or even saying, I remember thegist of what we talked about.
And that's not what I'm tryingto discuss here.
Those are key statements thatyou can use to stand your ground

(18:58):
and to keep the conversation onpace, as opposed to trying to go
down these rabbit trails thatare the things that are going to
make you feel crazy the more youtry and go down those.
Stay focused.
Whenever you get in thesediscussions, whether your spouse
is trying to tell you thatyou're the problem or that you
are too reactive or that you aretoo shut off, try and understand

(19:21):
the core of where they're comingfrom, but then stand your ground
and keep your intention of, I'mgonna do everything I can in
this conversation to understandthe core problem.
That is what can turn thisbehavior around.
When you begin to set someboundaries around how you fight,
how you're not going to engagein these unnecessary side trails

(19:44):
and how you are going to stayfocused on, I want what's best
for the relationship.
I want us to fix these coreissues.
We're gonna do this withoutattacking each other's
character, without makingassumptions about each other,
and we're gonna do it becauseit's the best thing for our
marriage.
That is what you can do.
So here's the final thing youneed to understand.
It's going to take time for youto reset how you fight and how

(20:08):
you talk about some of thesethings.
And the first, second, or eventhird discussion where you try
and reset these boundaries isgonna be messy.
And that's okay.
You're gonna learn from how youdo it and you're gonna do it
better next time.
So here's what I want you toknow and understand.
Say these things with love inyour heart and in your voice,

(20:32):
the tone that you use, all ofthose things matter.
But you can leave theconversation if it continues to
go downhill.
And that's okay.
You're absolutely able to say, Iwant to continue this
discussion, but let's both do itwhen we are in a better place to
do so.
I remember one discussion, avery difficult conversation that

(20:55):
my husband and I had once.
Again, this was years ago, butit was actually the conversation
where I ended up leaving him fora period of time.
There had been a lot of, youknow, this kind of stuff where I
was trying to tell him how Ifelt and he was just telling me
I was too sensitive or I wasbeing this, that, or the other.
And I finally got to the pointwhere I couldn't take it

(21:16):
anymore.
I remember packing my bags,walking into the bedroom, and
saying to him, I love you and Iwant this to work, but it can't
work as long as there is thistoxic fighting between the two
of us.
He then said, You're juststorming out in anger, you're
just doing and I wasn't.
I was calm as everything.

(21:38):
And I just stood there andrepeated, I love you and I want
to make this work, but I can'tkeep enduring this.
And I left.
Now, I don't endorse anyone everleaving.
And in fact, I think that if Iwere to go back and do things
differently now, I would do it abit of a different way.
But the core for you tounderstand here is that you have

(22:03):
the ability to leave theconversation.
Be sure that you stay calm.
The one who stays calm is theone who is in charge.
And so as long as you are ableto keep your cool, and is and if
you feel that you are startingto get riled up, that you can't
continue this conversation inany kind of productive way,
that's when it's okay to exitand to come back later.

(22:25):
Because the more ramped up youare, the more irritated, angry,
frustrated, all of those things,that's when you become
defensive.
That's when you start in yourentertaining these rabbit
trails, and that's when thingscompletely fall off the off the
off the road.
That's when things end badly.
So whether or not you'reactually being gaslighted, these

(22:48):
are the things that you can do.
This is the mindset that I wantyou to take into your next
conversation, into your nextdisagreement.
And these are the boundariesthat you can set of the rules of
engagement that you want to havewhen you fight.
Ultimately, the goal is to savethe marriage.
It's to fix these things, it'sto make it better in the future.
And you're gonna have to gothrough some suck in order to

(23:11):
make that happen.
Like I said, every Wednesday atnoon we do a live show, at least
of the time of recording thisvideo.
And so we would love for you tojoin us Wednesdays at noon
central time.
You can also click the link hereand watch more videos of other
live shows we've done.
These are real people calling inwith their questions and we are
answering them off the cuff.

(23:31):
We weren't planned or none ofthem were planned or pre
planned.
These are real situations.
And so you get to hear realsituations of other people that
are going to be a lot likesituations you're experiencing,
but also you get to hear theheart of marriage helper and how
we respond and how we try andhelp people just like you.
Until next time, remember thereis always hope.