January 28, 2025 • 23 mins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The question comes often can one spouse save a
marriage?
It's because of the fact thatyou have somebody who really
does love the spouse who wantsout for whatever reason.
Sometimes they want to be withanother person, sometimes
they're seeking some kind offantasy or dream, sometimes
they're running from somethingwithin the relationship itself,
(00:21):
until the question comes if heor she is telling me the
marriage is over, I don't wantto be it anymore.
There is no opportunity for usto fix this.
Quit standing for the marriagebecause I'm gone.
Is there anything I can do?
Can one person influence whathappens here?
The answer is yes, believe itor not.
(00:41):
We've proven it many times overin the last 30 years that we've
been working with marriages.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam withMarriage Helper.
This is Relationship Radio.
Now you might be thinking, drBeam, it's an impossibility.
One person can't save amarriage, and in the truest
sense of the word that's correctBecause of the fact that two
(01:04):
people have to make a decision.
And so, therefore, we say ifyou think you can save the
marriage by doing something tocontrol the other person, you're
making a drastic mistake.
People sometimes say I whined,I begged, I pleaded, I did
everything I could, I tried tomake him or her feel guilty,
told them that this was sin,that God was going to get them,
(01:26):
that they were killing theirchildren's future.
I mean, I've done all kinds ofthings through guilt and
manipulation and whining andbegging, and still they want to
go.
And that's right they will,because you cannot manipulate
somebody to stay.
If you want them to stay, oh,you may be able to manipulate
them to stay for a little while,but they're not going to stay
(01:48):
for long.
If it's manipulation.
And, as I've always said, ifyou manipulate somebody to come
back into the marriage, what areyou going to do to keep them in
the marriage?
Continue to manipulate?
So all those things are wrong.
And we tell people up frontdon't buy into that and be very
careful.
What you see on the internet,believe it or not.
(02:08):
There are even some people outthere offering to cast spells on
your behalf so that yourbeloved will come back to you
and want to be with youforevermore.
Surely, surely, you're moreintelligent than that, but
sometimes people are sayingthings just as ridiculous.
I actually saw on the internetonce an ad where it said that if
you just learn the magic thingsto say, and of course, they
(02:30):
will teach you that for $99 or$199 or $499.
If you just learn the magicthings to say and you say them
one side actually said this notonly will they come back,
they'll come back begging you toforgive them for everything
they've ever done wrong, andthey'll want to make love to you
every single day for the restof your life.
(02:53):
Their phrasing was so enticingI almost bought the thing just
to see what those magic wordswere.
Wouldn't you know better thanthat?
I do too.
They can't do that.
You understand that there are alot of people out there who are
going to tell you to use theirsystem to do this, that and the
other and they'll guarantee youthat you will then get your
(03:14):
spouse back.
Don't believe any guarantee.
That's impossible.
People who guarantee what theycan't in actuality guarantee are
frauds, charlatans.
Don't do business with peoplelike that.
You see, there is a possibilitythat you can actually turn
things around and save thismarriage, but not by
(03:37):
manipulation, not by some magicwords, not by chanting some kind
of spell.
It's going to be because you dosome really tough work that
sometimes seems almostimpossible to do.
But if you can stick through it, if you can actually do it,
then indeed, you can turn themarriage around.
And, as I said earlier, we'vebeen working with couples for 30
(03:59):
years now.
That's a long time, and withthat we have worked with
thousands I mean literallythousands of couples.
We've worked with couples inin-person sessions where they
come to workshops that we do.
I've also spoken to manyseminars through really large
audiences.
We also have people who watchour YouTube videos and we have
(04:21):
people that take our course, butnot the in-person course where
they come to Middle Tennessee,but they take our course online.
Yes, we have great effect withour course that's actually done
online, and in those courses wehave people from all over the
world.
Literally, they come in fromChina and Australia and Spain
(04:41):
and France and every kind ofcountry you can imagine.
As a matter of fact, we havehad people from every single
continent, and that includesAntarctica.
Yes, you say well then, dr Beam,tell me how we do it.
Okay, I'll give you an overview.
The first thing is what I'vealready said Stop trying to make
(05:05):
your spouse come back.
As a matter of fact, if youfocus on that, you're going to
make mistakes, say the wrongthings, do the wrong things and,
at some points, you're going toget so frustrated that you're
going to do ridiculous thingsand then later Bill calling us
saying well, I blew it.
Is there any chance now?
(05:27):
Because this is what I said tohim, or or this is what I did in
terms of her money, or this iswhatever.
Can I possibly get past thatbig error on my part?
Yes, yes, you see.
We will not ask you to becomesuperhuman, but we will ask you
to do the things, and the firstthing is to stop trying to fix
(05:48):
the marriage.
I know that soundscounterintuitive, but it's the
truth.
Stop trying to fix the marriage, because the more you focus on
that, the more mistakes you'regoing to make, the more errors
of judgment you're going to have.
You say, okay, if I do that,then what do I do Now?
Again, this is going to soundcounterintuitive, but you start
with you, and the first thingyou need to do is calm down.
(06:09):
Now, we've talked about that onmany videos before.
You can find it in our YouTubevideos, for example.
You can find it anywhere andeverywhere, because we've said
it so many times as long asyou're agitated, as long as
you're upset, as long as you'rejust focused on this thing and
it's eating you alive, you can'tget anything good done, and so
the first thing you need to dois calm yourself down.
(06:31):
Now we have some methodologiesto help you do that.
I don't have time in thisparticular video to explain them
to you, but we have somemethodologies, both mental,
spiritual and physical, somethings you can actually do to
help calm yourself down, becauseonly then will you think
logically, because thinkingemotionally will send you the
(06:54):
wrong direction.
Now you will not lose all youremotions.
You're still going to hurt,You're still going to feel pain,
but you've got to put logic inthe first place, there leading
you, and we can teach you how todo that by helping you to calm
down.
And then you're going to haveto find some clarity as to what
is actually going on, whichmeans that you can't focus on
(07:14):
whatever is happening out there.
And so if your husband or wifeis leaving you for another
person, we say don't focus onthat person.
We say don't focus on thatperson.
If they're focused on somethingthat's attracting them, like
they're going to be famous orthey're going to get rich or
whatever, or even it could bealcohol or drugs they're going
after something else, not aperson, but some other fantasy.
(07:35):
They're chasing some otherthing.
They're trying to make theirreality.
If you focus on that, you'reprobably going to make a lot of
mistakes.
Now, there are different thingsyou would do if it's another
person and if it's a drugaddiction, and we can talk about
that when we get down into thefinal way of doing things.
Because with things like drugaddiction or alcohol addiction,
sometimes you have to dointerventions and there are even
(07:57):
occasions when you might needto do an intervention concerning
another person.
But understand, if you keepthinking out there and focusing
on that, you're missing themajor point.
You you see, if a person wantsout of a relationship, it's
primarily for one of two reasonsEither they feel they're being
pushed out of the relationshipby the behaviors of the spouse
(08:19):
Now, I know, I know it soundslike I'm trying to beat you up.
Now Don't hear it that way,please.
I know you're not perfect.
Nobody is, nobody's perfect.
There's this thing we have inthe marriage industry that says
whoever you marry, you marry us.
That are problems.
And whoever marries you,marries us.
That are problems.
Therefore, we know that you'renot perfect and yet if you
(08:41):
really want to be able to savethe marriage, you're going to
have to be able to focus on.
Okay, let me honestly examinemyself, because getting clarity
is not just trying to understandeverything that's happening out
there, although that's thequestion we get all the time.
Why does he think that way?
Why does she feel that way?
Why is he doing that?
Why does she Look?
(09:01):
I can't always tell you why aperson does something.
Actually, I'm doing more andmore research on that now to
understand in a deeper levelthan ever the whys.
But I can tell you right nowthat it's not important to know
all the whys.
The first thing to ask yourselfis is part of this, if not all
of this, is part of this becauseof the fact that he or she is
(09:24):
trying to get away from me?
Because of the way that I'vetreated them, because I've been
controlling and dominating, andthey're just finally tired of
that and don't want to be hereanymore?
Or because of the fact thatI've treated them because I've
been controlling and dominating,and they're just finally tired
of that and don't want to behere anymore?
Or because of the fact thatI've called them terrible names
and treated them badly and theyfeel completely disrespected by
me, as if I somehow look down onthem as being inferior to me.
(09:46):
And so if you're controlling orif you're disrespectful, well,
let's say that your spouse has acertain need for sex.
Or if you're disrespectful, well, let's say that your spouse has
a certain need for sex.
I don't mean some kind of sexaberration or some kind of sex
addiction, but that they justneed a normal amount of sex from
you, and yet you refuse to besexual with them.
Are they fleeing you because ofthe fact that they're thinking
(10:07):
I'll never be able to befulfilled sexually in this
marriage, because my spouse isso cold, so uninterested, has so
little desire to make love tome?
Or it's because of the factthat they feel that you give
them no affection whatsoever?
You see, if you look at theresearch that looks into why
people want out of a marriage,if you look into the motivations
so far, we know this thatpeople typically want out of a
(10:29):
marriage either because of thefact that they feel unloved, or
they feel disliked, or they feeldisrespected.
It's usually one of those three,and so the first thing you need
to do is examine you Now.
I'm not trying to beat you up,I'm not trying to tell you that
this is your fault I'm not butI'm saying that you may have
(10:51):
some fault.
And if you do, you have to behonest with yourself, because if
you cannot correct whateverflaws you have and I know you
have some if you cannot correctwhatever flaws you have, then no
matter how much you focus onwhat's happening out there and
what your spouse is doing,they're not going to come back
if those same flaws in the samelevel, continue to exist and
(11:14):
therefore some self-examinationbecomes extremely important.
Now, that's going to be prettydifficult to do by yourself.
I'm going to be talking aboutin a few minutes some ways that
you can find some help with that, but you've got to get clarity
about you.
And then people always well,help me get clarity about what's
happening out there.
Why is he doing that, why isshe doing that, et cetera.
We can help you get someclarity and a sense of
(11:37):
understanding whether they'rebeing pulled by a person or
pulled by a fantasy, or pulledby a dream they're trying to
fulfill, or pulled by somethingthey've become addicted to.
We can help you get someclarity with that, because if
they are addicted to drugs,alcohol, that kind of thing,
then the approach is going to bea little bit different than if
they're trying to find arelationship with another person
(11:58):
, or think they already have, orif they're chasing some fantasy
, like I'm going to be a star onBroadway or I'm going to be in
the next movie that comes outbeing the big hit that everybody
is raving about.
You deal with those thingsdifferently than if it is an
addiction, and so we say theclarity about which it is is
(12:21):
basically only between those two.
That's really really reallyimportant.
Are they being drawn tosomething that they're trying to
get or are they being drawntowards something that's gotten
control of them?
Maybe you're thinking well, drBeam, couldn't another person
have control of them?
Yes, but it's not the samething as drug addiction or
(12:41):
alcohol addiction.
Okay, so by getting clarity,it's like first I look at me and
then I look at whatever thatpull is out there and what that
pull is offering, because ifyour spouse is leaving you for
something out there unlessthey're just completely driven
away from you by what you'vebeen doing, then there's
something to that pull out there, and understanding a little bit
(13:04):
about what that pull is can bevery important.
And one way you can figure thatout is by thinking what have
they been saying to me over theyears.
What have they complained about?
What have they actually told methey were unhappy about that?
I thought, oh, that's just nota big deal.
Quit your griping Everything'sokay, because there can be clues
(13:26):
in those things they've said toyou over the years.
Now, if you seek clarity bytrying to find out what is it
that people are telling me thatmy spouse is doing, be very,
very careful.
We've even had situations wherepeople will come to us and say
my counselor or therapist tellsme that my spouse, I need to let
(13:47):
him or her go because of thefact that he or she is a
narcissist.
I can't tell you how many timesI've asked the question.
How many sessions has yourcounselor had with your spouse
and they say none.
My counselor's never met myspouse and yet they're telling
your spouse is a narcissist.
Run, find somebody who's moreprofessional than that, because
(14:09):
that's just totallyunprofessional.
They can't diagnose somebodythey've never seen, because if
they're being just off what yousay, that's secondhand
information.
So even counselors can give youbad information.
Your neighbors, your friendscan give you bad information
because if they hear a rumor,they're likely to repeat it to
you and make it sound like thebiggest thing in the world.
Now can some of that informationbe helpful?
(14:31):
Maybe, but that's not what youreally want to find clarity for,
understanding your spouse,knowing what it is that he or
she has as a weakness or adesire or a craving or a motive
that you know because you'vebeen with them for years.
And when you stop and thinkabout it oh, she's always wanted
(14:51):
more affection, oh, he's alwayswanted to be treated with
respect or whatever it might beThen you're beginning to
understand something about thatpull out there.
And that becomes extremelyimportant, because you see, I
don't have time to go to therest of the seven steps that you
will find when you deal withone of our coaches.
Our coaches will guide youthrough seven steps here I've
(15:11):
just given you two.
With one of our coaches, ourcoaches will guide you through
seven steps here.
I've just given you two, buthave you heard enough already to
understand that, if you canstop doing the things that are
pushing him or her away and findout what it is that's pulling
him and look into your own beingand think what can I do to
counter that pull?
In other words, how can Icreate a pull instead of that
(15:34):
one?
And so, if he is leavingbecause he feels disrespected or
she is leaving because shefeels disrespected.
Start treating them withrespect every time you see them,
any encounter you have withthem whatsoever, and if you say,
well, they're gone, I don'thave any encounter with them at
all, then you start treatingeverybody with respect.
You say will that help?
(15:54):
Yes, why Can't tell you thenumber of times we've heard
people say I changed my behavior, I started doing the things I
should have done all along andsomehow my spouse that has no
contact with me whatsoever foundout about it and the next thing
you know, they wanted tocontact me again and we have
seen those marriages get putback together and so you're
(16:15):
going to create your own pollsby being the best person you can
possibly be.
Now, can I explain that in ashort video like this?
No, but do we have thatinformation?
Absolutely, Can we teach youhow to do that?
Yes, we can, but you have to dothe work.
We can't give you the magicphrase or chant.
(16:38):
We can't give you that, butstep by step and I'm just giving
you two, we have seven Step bystep, we can give you these
things where, if you do them,you dramatically, dramatically
increase the likelihood thatyour spouse will come back Now,
not immediately.
We don't believe in magic, butwe do believe in miracles.
(16:59):
Is that something contradictory?
It's not magic, it's not voodoo, it's not some vapor in the sky
.
It's a matter that every actionhas a consequence and if you
change your actions, you willchange the consequences.
And so, ultimately, can oneperson save a marriage If you
change you, where you remove thepushes, the things that he or
(17:22):
she reacted to badly and as muchas you possibly can as a human
being, and then you increase thepulls, particularly having some
idea of what's pulling him orher away not who, but what like.
What are they looking for?
Is it respect?
Is it affection?
Is it feeling loved, whateverit might be, and you manifest
that not just toward that person, but in your life, toward your
(17:43):
children, toward your friendsand, in a very special way,
toward your spouse.
When and if you get thatopportunity, is it possible to
hear she will come back?
It's more than possible.
It becomes probable.
We have watched it.
We have witnessed it so manytimes over 30 years.
(18:03):
I can't guarantee it, becausehe or she gets to make their own
decisions, obviously, but I cantell you that the solution is
not about trying to do somethingabout him or it or whatever it
might be.
The solution starts with you.
You might be thinking well, drBeam, what do I do?
(18:26):
You may have looked at ourwebsite.
You may have talked to one ofour people and found out.
Good grief, dr Beam.
You guys offer so manydifferent things.
I don't even know where tostart.
You have this and that and thatand that, and we do, because
over the years, as we'vediscovered more needs and more
problems and more difficulties,we have added more information,
(18:46):
more materials, more everythingelse, and even I get confused
sometimes because we have somuch out there.
So we have come up with a wayto make it simple, a way to
start.
We call it the Save my Marriageprogram.
Now, if you want to enroll inthat, I'll tell you how to do it
in just a minute.
It's the simplest way to startand it'll guide you to where you
need to go.
(19:06):
The first thing is it'llinclude the 12-week Save my
Marriage course.
I recorded that some time agoand it's not just me on video
teaching you, but also you havePDFs that you can download and
you can fill things in where youcan think and process and those
kinds of things, and we havehad a lot of success with that
12-week video course.
(19:27):
Now, obviously, you could do itall in one day if you wanted to
, because it's all on video, butwe recommend that you actually
take 12 weeks to do it so youcan think things through, figure
out how they apply to you andhow you can apply them to your
life and to whateverinteractions you do or don't
have with your spouse.
You also, though, will getaccess to a private online
community, people who will bethere, who are facing the same
(19:50):
kinds of things that you are,people who will understand, and
if you mess up sometimes whicheverybody does people can
reassure you.
Don't panic, you're human.
There's a way past this.
Don't give up.
People who can understand,people who can help, and, beyond
that, we have weekly trainingin that group with one of our
(20:13):
marriage helper coaches.
We have trained several coaches,and we actually continually
train them.
We also supervise them.
Our coaches aren't just peoplethat put a shingle out somewhere
saying, hey, I'm now a coach.
Call me, my life experiencemakes me very valuable and you
should spend money with me andI'll tell you what to do with
life.
Our coaches aren't people outthere operating on their own
(20:38):
using their own wisdom, whichmight be good, but it's never
good enough.
Our coaches are people that wetrain and continually train and
that we keep with oursupervision, make sure they're
focused on the right things.
So they're good people andalmost all of them have been
through exactly what you've beenthrough, and so when you come
(21:00):
into that group once a week,there'll be a training done by
one of our marriage helpercoaches and we have some
toolkits in there.
Actually, we offer toolkits on atimely basis.
If you're in the group for onemonth, you get one of those
toolkits.
Two months, you get anothertoolkit.
Three months, another toolkitand you get those three bonus
toolkits.
Two months, you get anothertoolkit.
Three months, another toolkitand you get those three bonus
(21:20):
toolkits.
You say why don't you just getthem all to us at one time?
Because we want to help.
We're not just trying to sellyou a product.
We're trying to help youdevelop, to understand, to
process and to literally becomethe best you that you can be,
and all of this for just $49 amonth.
Now, based on how expensivethings are in this world and
this day and time, that is abargain.
(21:42):
You can do a yearly if you wantto, for $499.
And you say, well, wait aminute, I don't know if I want
to spend $49 a month.
It's certainly your choice.
You do what you think is bestfor you.
But try paying a counselor just$49 a month, or even some of
those coaches out there that aregood people trying to do good
(22:04):
things but they really don'thave adequate training and
understanding.
Try just paying them $49 amonth.
It's a good deal.
It's a wonderful deal and wecan help you grow and develop.
And then, when you grow throughthis and you've gotten some
great success with this, thenwe'll offer you other things
that you can do that then you'llbe ready for.
(22:25):
So rather than confusing youwith everything at once, we
offer this simple, streamlinedprocess for you to start
learning how to be the best youthat you can be.
And if you want to get intothat, let's go to marriage
helper.
That's marriagehelpercom slashmembership Marriagehelpercom
slash membership.
(22:46):
Because you see, we don't offermagic, but we do offer miracles
.
But the miracles are extremelydependent upon you knowing what
to do and you doing it.
We'll talk more about thosekinds of things in the next
episode of Relationship Radio.
The question comes often can one spouse save a
marriage?
It's because of the fact thatyou have somebody who really
does love the spouse who wantsout for whatever reason.
Sometimes they want to be withanother person, sometimes
they're seeking some kind offantasy or dream, sometimes
they're running from somethingwithin the relationship itself,
(00:21):
until the question comes if heor she is telling me the
marriage is over, I don't wantto be it anymore.
There is no opportunity for usto fix this.
Quit standing for the marriagebecause I'm gone.
Is there anything I can do?
Can one person influence whathappens here?
The answer is yes, believe itor not.
(00:41):
We've proven it many times overin the last 30 years that we've
been working with marriages.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam withMarriage Helper.
This is Relationship Radio.
Now you might be thinking, drBeam, it's an impossibility.
One person can't save amarriage, and in the truest
sense of the word that's correctBecause of the fact that two
(01:04):
people have to make a decision.
And so, therefore, we say ifyou think you can save the
marriage by doing something tocontrol the other person, you're
making a drastic mistake.
People sometimes say I whined,I begged, I pleaded, I did
everything I could, I tried tomake him or her feel guilty,
told them that this was sin,that God was going to get them,
(01:26):
that they were killing theirchildren's future.
I mean, I've done all kinds ofthings through guilt and
manipulation and whining andbegging, and still they want to
go.
And that's right they will,because you cannot manipulate
somebody to stay.
If you want them to stay, oh,you may be able to manipulate
them to stay for a little while,but they're not going to stay
(01:48):
for long.
If it's manipulation.
And, as I've always said, ifyou manipulate somebody to come
back into the marriage, what areyou going to do to keep them in
the marriage?
Continue to manipulate?
So all those things are wrong.
And we tell people up frontdon't buy into that and be very
careful.
What you see on the internet,believe it or not.
(02:08):
There are even some people outthere offering to cast spells on
your behalf so that yourbeloved will come back to you
and want to be with youforevermore.
Surely, surely, you're moreintelligent than that, but
sometimes people are sayingthings just as ridiculous.
I actually saw on the internetonce an ad where it said that if
you just learn the magic thingsto say, and of course, they
(02:30):
will teach you that for $99 or$199 or $499.
If you just learn the magicthings to say and you say them
one side actually said this notonly will they come back,
they'll come back begging you toforgive them for everything
they've ever done wrong, andthey'll want to make love to you
every single day for the restof your life.
(02:53):
Their phrasing was so enticingI almost bought the thing just
to see what those magic wordswere.
Wouldn't you know better thanthat?
I do too.
They can't do that.
You understand that there are alot of people out there who are
going to tell you to use theirsystem to do this, that and the
other and they'll guarantee youthat you will then get your
(03:14):
spouse back.
Don't believe any guarantee.
That's impossible.
People who guarantee what theycan't in actuality guarantee are
frauds, charlatans.
Don't do business with peoplelike that.
You see, there is a possibilitythat you can actually turn
things around and save thismarriage, but not by
(03:37):
manipulation, not by some magicwords, not by chanting some kind
of spell.
It's going to be because you dosome really tough work that
sometimes seems almostimpossible to do.
But if you can stick through it, if you can actually do it,
then indeed, you can turn themarriage around.
And, as I said earlier, we'vebeen working with couples for 30
(03:59):
years now.
That's a long time, and withthat we have worked with
thousands I mean literallythousands of couples.
We've worked with couples inin-person sessions where they
come to workshops that we do.
I've also spoken to manyseminars through really large
audiences.
We also have people who watchour YouTube videos and we have
(04:21):
people that take our course, butnot the in-person course where
they come to Middle Tennessee,but they take our course online.
Yes, we have great effect withour course that's actually done
online, and in those courses wehave people from all over the
world.
Literally, they come in fromChina and Australia and Spain
(04:41):
and France and every kind ofcountry you can imagine.
As a matter of fact, we havehad people from every single
continent, and that includesAntarctica.
Yes, you say well then, dr Beam,tell me how we do it.
Okay, I'll give you an overview.
The first thing is what I'vealready said Stop trying to make
(05:05):
your spouse come back.
As a matter of fact, if youfocus on that, you're going to
make mistakes, say the wrongthings, do the wrong things and,
at some points, you're going toget so frustrated that you're
going to do ridiculous thingsand then later Bill calling us
saying well, I blew it.
Is there any chance now?
(05:27):
Because this is what I said tohim, or or this is what I did in
terms of her money, or this iswhatever.
Can I possibly get past thatbig error on my part?
Yes, yes, you see.
We will not ask you to becomesuperhuman, but we will ask you
to do the things, and the firstthing is to stop trying to fix
(05:48):
the marriage.
I know that soundscounterintuitive, but it's the
truth.
Stop trying to fix the marriage, because the more you focus on
that, the more mistakes you'regoing to make, the more errors
of judgment you're going to have.
You say, okay, if I do that,then what do I do Now?
Again, this is going to soundcounterintuitive, but you start
with you, and the first thingyou need to do is calm down.
(06:09):
Now, we've talked about that onmany videos before.
You can find it in our YouTubevideos, for example.
You can find it anywhere andeverywhere, because we've said
it so many times as long asyou're agitated, as long as
you're upset, as long as you'rejust focused on this thing and
it's eating you alive, you can'tget anything good done, and so
the first thing you need to dois calm yourself down.
(06:31):
Now we have some methodologiesto help you do that.
I don't have time in thisparticular video to explain them
to you, but we have somemethodologies, both mental,
spiritual and physical, somethings you can actually do to
help calm yourself down, becauseonly then will you think
logically, because thinkingemotionally will send you the
(06:54):
wrong direction.
Now you will not lose all youremotions.
You're still going to hurt,You're still going to feel pain,
but you've got to put logic inthe first place, there leading
you, and we can teach you how todo that by helping you to calm
down.
And then you're going to haveto find some clarity as to what
is actually going on, whichmeans that you can't focus on
(07:14):
whatever is happening out there.
And so if your husband or wifeis leaving you for another
person, we say don't focus onthat person.
We say don't focus on thatperson.
If they're focused on somethingthat's attracting them, like
they're going to be famous orthey're going to get rich or
whatever, or even it could bealcohol or drugs they're going
after something else, not aperson, but some other fantasy.
(07:35):
They're chasing some otherthing.
They're trying to make theirreality.
If you focus on that, you'reprobably going to make a lot of
mistakes.
Now, there are different thingsyou would do if it's another
person and if it's a drugaddiction, and we can talk about
that when we get down into thefinal way of doing things.
Because with things like drugaddiction or alcohol addiction,
sometimes you have to dointerventions and there are even
(07:57):
occasions when you might needto do an intervention concerning
another person.
But understand, if you keepthinking out there and focusing
on that, you're missing themajor point.
You you see, if a person wantsout of a relationship, it's
primarily for one of two reasonsEither they feel they're being
pushed out of the relationshipby the behaviors of the spouse
(08:19):
Now, I know, I know it soundslike I'm trying to beat you up.
Now Don't hear it that way,please.
I know you're not perfect.
Nobody is, nobody's perfect.
There's this thing we have inthe marriage industry that says
whoever you marry, you marry us.
That are problems.
And whoever marries you,marries us.
That are problems.
Therefore, we know that you'renot perfect and yet if you
(08:41):
really want to be able to savethe marriage, you're going to
have to be able to focus on.
Okay, let me honestly examinemyself, because getting clarity
is not just trying to understandeverything that's happening out
there, although that's thequestion we get all the time.
Why does he think that way?
Why does she feel that way?
Why is he doing that?
Why does she Look?
(09:01):
I can't always tell you why aperson does something.
Actually, I'm doing more andmore research on that now to
understand in a deeper levelthan ever the whys.
But I can tell you right nowthat it's not important to know
all the whys.
The first thing to ask yourselfis is part of this, if not all
of this, is part of this becauseof the fact that he or she is
(09:24):
trying to get away from me?
Because of the way that I'vetreated them, because I've been
controlling and dominating, andthey're just finally tired of
that and don't want to be hereanymore?
Or because of the fact thatI've treated them because I've
been controlling and dominating,and they're just finally tired
of that and don't want to behere anymore?
Or because of the fact thatI've called them terrible names
and treated them badly and theyfeel completely disrespected by
me, as if I somehow look down onthem as being inferior to me.
(09:46):
And so if you're controlling orif you're disrespectful, well,
let's say that your spouse has acertain need for sex.
Or if you're disrespectful, well, let's say that your spouse has
a certain need for sex.
I don't mean some kind of sexaberration or some kind of sex
addiction, but that they justneed a normal amount of sex from
you, and yet you refuse to besexual with them.
Are they fleeing you because ofthe fact that they're thinking
(10:07):
I'll never be able to befulfilled sexually in this
marriage, because my spouse isso cold, so uninterested, has so
little desire to make love tome?
Or it's because of the factthat they feel that you give
them no affection whatsoever?
You see, if you look at theresearch that looks into why
people want out of a marriage,if you look into the motivations
so far, we know this thatpeople typically want out of a
(10:29):
marriage either because of thefact that they feel unloved, or
they feel disliked, or they feeldisrespected.
It's usually one of those three,and so the first thing you need
to do is examine you Now.
I'm not trying to beat you up,I'm not trying to tell you that
this is your fault I'm not butI'm saying that you may have
(10:51):
some fault.
And if you do, you have to behonest with yourself, because if
you cannot correct whateverflaws you have and I know you
have some if you cannot correctwhatever flaws you have, then no
matter how much you focus onwhat's happening out there and
what your spouse is doing,they're not going to come back
if those same flaws in the samelevel, continue to exist and
(11:14):
therefore some self-examinationbecomes extremely important.
Now, that's going to be prettydifficult to do by yourself.
I'm going to be talking aboutin a few minutes some ways that
you can find some help with that, but you've got to get clarity
about you.
And then people always well,help me get clarity about what's
happening out there.
Why is he doing that, why isshe doing that, et cetera.
We can help you get someclarity and a sense of
(11:37):
understanding whether they'rebeing pulled by a person or
pulled by a fantasy, or pulledby a dream they're trying to
fulfill, or pulled by somethingthey've become addicted to.
We can help you get someclarity with that, because if
they are addicted to drugs,alcohol, that kind of thing,
then the approach is going to bea little bit different than if
they're trying to find arelationship with another person
(11:58):
, or think they already have, orif they're chasing some fantasy
, like I'm going to be a star onBroadway or I'm going to be in
the next movie that comes outbeing the big hit that everybody
is raving about.
You deal with those thingsdifferently than if it is an
addiction, and so we say theclarity about which it is is
(12:21):
basically only between those two.
That's really really reallyimportant.
Are they being drawn tosomething that they're trying to
get or are they being drawntowards something that's gotten
control of them?
Maybe you're thinking well, drBeam, couldn't another person
have control of them?
Yes, but it's not the samething as drug addiction or
(12:41):
alcohol addiction.
Okay, so by getting clarity,it's like first I look at me and
then I look at whatever thatpull is out there and what that
pull is offering, because ifyour spouse is leaving you for
something out there unlessthey're just completely driven
away from you by what you'vebeen doing, then there's
something to that pull out there, and understanding a little bit
(13:04):
about what that pull is can bevery important.
And one way you can figure thatout is by thinking what have
they been saying to me over theyears.
What have they complained about?
What have they actually told methey were unhappy about that?
I thought, oh, that's just nota big deal.
Quit your griping Everything'sokay, because there can be clues
(13:26):
in those things they've said toyou over the years.
Now, if you seek clarity bytrying to find out what is it
that people are telling me thatmy spouse is doing, be very,
very careful.
We've even had situations wherepeople will come to us and say
my counselor or therapist tellsme that my spouse, I need to let
(13:47):
him or her go because of thefact that he or she is a
narcissist.
I can't tell you how many timesI've asked the question.
How many sessions has yourcounselor had with your spouse
and they say none.
My counselor's never met myspouse and yet they're telling
your spouse is a narcissist.
Run, find somebody who's moreprofessional than that, because
(14:09):
that's just totallyunprofessional.
They can't diagnose somebodythey've never seen, because if
they're being just off what yousay, that's secondhand
information.
So even counselors can give youbad information.
Your neighbors, your friendscan give you bad information
because if they hear a rumor,they're likely to repeat it to
you and make it sound like thebiggest thing in the world.
Now can some of that informationbe helpful?
(14:31):
Maybe, but that's not what youreally want to find clarity for,
understanding your spouse,knowing what it is that he or
she has as a weakness or adesire or a craving or a motive
that you know because you'vebeen with them for years.
And when you stop and thinkabout it oh, she's always wanted
(14:51):
more affection, oh, he's alwayswanted to be treated with
respect or whatever it might beThen you're beginning to
understand something about thatpull out there.
And that becomes extremelyimportant, because you see, I
don't have time to go to therest of the seven steps that you
will find when you deal withone of our coaches.
Our coaches will guide youthrough seven steps here I've
(15:11):
just given you two.
With one of our coaches, ourcoaches will guide you through
seven steps here.
I've just given you two, buthave you heard enough already to
understand that, if you canstop doing the things that are
pushing him or her away and findout what it is that's pulling
him and look into your own beingand think what can I do to
counter that pull?
In other words, how can Icreate a pull instead of that
(15:34):
one?
And so, if he is leavingbecause he feels disrespected or
she is leaving because shefeels disrespected.
Start treating them withrespect every time you see them,
any encounter you have withthem whatsoever, and if you say,
well, they're gone, I don'thave any encounter with them at
all, then you start treatingeverybody with respect.
You say will that help?
(15:54):
Yes, why Can't tell you thenumber of times we've heard
people say I changed my behavior, I started doing the things I
should have done all along andsomehow my spouse that has no
contact with me whatsoever foundout about it and the next thing
you know, they wanted tocontact me again and we have
seen those marriages get putback together and so you're
(16:15):
going to create your own pollsby being the best person you can
possibly be.
Now, can I explain that in ashort video like this?
No, but do we have thatinformation?
Absolutely, Can we teach youhow to do that?
Yes, we can, but you have to dothe work.
We can't give you the magicphrase or chant.
(16:38):
We can't give you that, butstep by step and I'm just giving
you two, we have seven Step bystep, we can give you these
things where, if you do them,you dramatically, dramatically
increase the likelihood thatyour spouse will come back Now,
not immediately.
We don't believe in magic, butwe do believe in miracles.
(16:59):
Is that something contradictory?
It's not magic, it's not voodoo, it's not some vapor in the sky
.
It's a matter that every actionhas a consequence and if you
change your actions, you willchange the consequences.
And so, ultimately, can oneperson save a marriage If you
change you, where you remove thepushes, the things that he or
(17:22):
she reacted to badly and as muchas you possibly can as a human
being, and then you increase thepulls, particularly having some
idea of what's pulling him orher away not who, but what like.
What are they looking for?
Is it respect?
Is it affection?
Is it feeling loved, whateverit might be, and you manifest
that not just toward that person, but in your life, toward your
(17:43):
children, toward your friendsand, in a very special way,
toward your spouse.
When and if you get thatopportunity, is it possible to
hear she will come back?
It's more than possible.
It becomes probable.
We have watched it.
We have witnessed it so manytimes over 30 years.
(18:03):
I can't guarantee it, becausehe or she gets to make their own
decisions, obviously, but I cantell you that the solution is
not about trying to do somethingabout him or it or whatever it
might be.
The solution starts with you.
You might be thinking well, drBeam, what do I do?
(18:26):
You may have looked at ourwebsite.
You may have talked to one ofour people and found out.
Good grief, dr Beam.
You guys offer so manydifferent things.
I don't even know where tostart.
You have this and that and thatand that, and we do, because
over the years, as we'vediscovered more needs and more
problems and more difficulties,we have added more information,
(18:46):
more materials, more everythingelse, and even I get confused
sometimes because we have somuch out there.
So we have come up with a wayto make it simple, a way to
start.
We call it the Save my Marriageprogram.
Now, if you want to enroll inthat, I'll tell you how to do it
in just a minute.
It's the simplest way to startand it'll guide you to where you
need to go.
(19:06):
The first thing is it'llinclude the 12-week Save my
Marriage course.
I recorded that some time agoand it's not just me on video
teaching you, but also you havePDFs that you can download and
you can fill things in where youcan think and process and those
kinds of things, and we havehad a lot of success with that
12-week video course.
(19:27):
Now, obviously, you could do itall in one day if you wanted to
, because it's all on video, butwe recommend that you actually
take 12 weeks to do it so youcan think things through, figure
out how they apply to you andhow you can apply them to your
life and to whateverinteractions you do or don't
have with your spouse.
You also, though, will getaccess to a private online
community, people who will bethere, who are facing the same
(19:50):
kinds of things that you are,people who will understand, and
if you mess up sometimes whicheverybody does people can
reassure you.
Don't panic, you're human.
There's a way past this.
Don't give up.
People who can understand,people who can help, and, beyond
that, we have weekly trainingin that group with one of our
(20:13):
marriage helper coaches.
We have trained several coaches,and we actually continually
train them.
We also supervise them.
Our coaches aren't just peoplethat put a shingle out somewhere
saying, hey, I'm now a coach.
Call me, my life experiencemakes me very valuable and you
should spend money with me andI'll tell you what to do with
life.
Our coaches aren't people outthere operating on their own
(20:38):
using their own wisdom, whichmight be good, but it's never
good enough.
Our coaches are people that wetrain and continually train and
that we keep with oursupervision, make sure they're
focused on the right things.
So they're good people andalmost all of them have been
through exactly what you've beenthrough, and so when you come
(21:00):
into that group once a week,there'll be a training done by
one of our marriage helpercoaches and we have some
toolkits in there.
Actually, we offer toolkits on atimely basis.
If you're in the group for onemonth, you get one of those
toolkits.
Two months, you get anothertoolkit.
Three months, another toolkitand you get those three bonus
toolkits.
Two months, you get anothertoolkit.
Three months, another toolkitand you get those three bonus
(21:20):
toolkits.
You say why don't you just getthem all to us at one time?
Because we want to help.
We're not just trying to sellyou a product.
We're trying to help youdevelop, to understand, to
process and to literally becomethe best you that you can be,
and all of this for just $49 amonth.
Now, based on how expensivethings are in this world and
this day and time, that is abargain.
(21:42):
You can do a yearly if you wantto, for $499.
And you say, well, wait aminute, I don't know if I want
to spend $49 a month.
It's certainly your choice.
You do what you think is bestfor you.
But try paying a counselor just$49 a month, or even some of
those coaches out there that aregood people trying to do good
(22:04):
things but they really don'thave adequate training and
understanding.
Try just paying them $49 amonth.
It's a good deal.
It's a wonderful deal and wecan help you grow and develop.
And then, when you grow throughthis and you've gotten some
great success with this, thenwe'll offer you other things
that you can do that then you'llbe ready for.
(22:25):
So rather than confusing youwith everything at once, we
offer this simple, streamlinedprocess for you to start
learning how to be the best youthat you can be.
And if you want to get intothat, let's go to marriage
helper.
That's marriagehelpercom slashmembership Marriagehelpercom
slash membership.
(22:46):
Because you see, we don't offermagic, but we do offer miracles
.
But the miracles are extremelydependent upon you knowing what
to do and you doing it.
We'll talk more about thosekinds of things in the next
episode of Relationship Radio.
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