March 4, 2025 • 23 mins
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If you’ve ever felt your relationship is struggling due to miscommunication, this episode is for you. Join us as we explore the compelling concept of SMART Contact™—a vital communication strategy designed to bring couples closer, even during turbulent times. We delve into the intricate balance of pushes and pulls in conversations, revealing how understanding these dynamics can transform your communication and foster deeper connections.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, I'm Marcos.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Elisa.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
We are part of the team here at Merch Helper.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
And today we're going to talk about smart contact.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
If I had to explain it in one sentence, it will be
something that allow the linesof being available when you need
it and give a space when theyrequest a space Somewhere in the
middle, don't you think?
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yes, something that we learn pretty well in our time
in crisis.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Like be able.
I mean you have to become somesort of a detective and see your
spouse reactions to when youapproach.
Um, if they're being rejectingyour approach, if they're
engaged they move a littleforward.
All those signs you got.
You're gonna become pretty goodat doing that with time.
(00:57):
It's not gonna come natural toyou but it can be developed
quite a bit if you put theeffort in it.
(01:20):
Well, yes, at first for us itwas, I mean, for me it was, um,
I have no pools.
You know, smart.
Smart contact is a way todiminish your pushes and
increase your pulls somehowthrough communication.
It was no pulls that couldactually come out wet, because
my wife was out of the marriage.
She wanted out, so it was onlyabout diminishing pushes.
If I try to force my way intoher with chatting about whatever
(01:43):
more than items, it will be apush.
So that was not a smart contact.
Doesn't matter what I wascoming and trying to.
Hey, let me tell you about yourday.
And she gave me just it wasfine, very short, cold answer.
I have to take that as anindication.
Okay, if I say something elseat this point, it's going to a
push.
I see a lot of that with myclients that in order to force
(02:07):
smart contact, they try to openchannels of communication when
those channels are not there,and you become doing more harm
than good.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
You became really good at this.
Making me feel safe, notcontrolling anymore, was one of
the things that we suffer awhole lot before our crisis and
during our crisis at thebeginning.
So stopping all the pushes,like he was saying that he
actually, you know, startworking on those it made me feel
(02:40):
safe, like I said, and then,you know, willing to communicate
with him because we were ableto communicate.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
And it's not only when you say it, I mean how you
say it, but when you say it.
My analogy, bad analogy is likefishing.
You threw a hook in the water,like you ask a question and if
they go with it, if the fishtakes the hook and start talking
(03:09):
, you let them go.
You always follow the waves,you always follow that pattern.
They want to talk aboutsomething, go there, don't cut
them off with another questionand, you know, chop their train
of thought, allow them toexpress themselves if they are,
but if they give you some sure,concise answer, I mean, let's
(03:32):
say the only thing you do is atsome point you go to the same
church and you sit side by sidebecause the family goes there
and you have to sit by side byside, enjoy that win.
You know, if you try to forgeyour way back to her or his car
and make a conversation and theother person is not into it,
(03:52):
it's better for you to part waysright there at the bench.
Go home, I mean, fight anotherday yeah, very much so the
pushes and pull.
what we've been talking talkingabout is it is pushes and pulls.
Push and pull is like thefoundation of every single
concept that we have at MarriageHelper.
Anything you do that evokesnegative emotions within your
(04:18):
spouse is a push.
Doesn't matter if you intend itto be a negative emotion or not
, or positive, and the contrarygoes as well.
Sometimes you're not engagingin what you think is a smart
contact.
It's a pull, and this is athing I have with a lot of my
(04:39):
clients that I tell everybodyfrom the get-go when I send them
to a smart contact toolkit.
That we have is basically everyother toolkit is very
straightforward.
I mean you go, you listen to itand then you come back to me.
And they come back to me andthey tell me okay, I'm doing
this, I'm doing that, but forsome reason with smart contact
(05:00):
it's always.
They come back to me and theysay I'm doing A, b and C and I'm
like, okay, c, yeah, but A B.
It's just a hybrid of whateveris the way you do things With
what we say you should do things.
Go back, take yourpreconceptions of how you're
supposed to talk, send emails,do things for the other person.
(05:22):
You know, smart content is notonly about conversations.
It's about what you do, as well, you know, and it's about not
taking more than you give in to.
That's the critical part aboutit.
So go back to smart contact.
Take all your ideas, how you docommunication and just listen.
If you do that, it's prettyself-explanatory.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
And we know it's hard to do smart contact when you're
in crisis.
It's tough to do smart contactwhen you know your spouse may be
hating you at the moment, andthat's one of the things that we
were going through.
I mean, I was in an affair, Iwant him out.
I want, I wanted to be out ofthe marriage.
(06:07):
I wanted to push Marcos away.
So I will do anything, you know, imagine to push him away.
And so I know, and we know,it's hard to do smart contact
when your spouse may be hatingyou.
We get that and it's possible.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Fear is the worst enemy of smart contact, because
you see your spouse driftingaway and you think I have to do
something.
And that's when most peoplemake mistakes.
They try to impose themselves,they try to drop themselves
somehow in circumstances, insituations you cannot force your
way in.
You cannot force your way in.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Give you a force of your way in, you will push the
other person away more and moreand more yeah, smart contact for
us was really, besides behavior, communication um, like I said
before, the fact that you know I, no matter what I did, he, you
know, was able to treat me withrespect, treat me with respect
(07:13):
and accept where I was, andthere's so many other aspects
that we can spend all daytalking here about.
You know, at least in ourcrisis time, how we've worked
throughout this.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
When there's very little to no communication.
Number one yes, you do have towait for those opportunities.
You got to be prepared.
You're working on your pies soyou make sure that the very slim
opportunity you have you are intip-top shape.
But smart contact is not onlyabout direct contact between
those two people.
(07:52):
When you guys were married, youhave circle of friends, you
have families, you have all sortof ropes what we call ropes in
marriage helper that connectdots with dots.
And if you work on your pies, ifyou start changing your
behaviors not yourself yourbehaviors in order to be a
(08:15):
better self, somehow that willtrick her down.
Okay, it's not about youintentionally trying to tell a
friend hey, tell my wife thatI'm doing much better here or I
stopped drinking.
But by you going To thosecircles of friends and maybe if
you had a drinking problembefore, you're not drinking
anymore they're seeing that youdon't have to showcase yourself.
(08:38):
They will see your changes.
They will see you are treatingpeople differently.
That happened in our story alittle bit, you know, and most
of our circle of friends wereher friends, so they were on her
side.
But still some of that like,hey, marco is not the same guy
anymore, and even if she didn'twant to see that she was hearing
(09:01):
it.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Yeah Well, we spent a good amount of time together
too, so I could totally see thechange.
Now, one of the things that weteach here at Marriage Helper is
not to do the changes for theother person, and that's what we
normally try to do.
We want to change our behaviorso she or he could see it, and
that's really not the case.
We want to do it for us.
(09:23):
If we start doing it for theother person, we may give up.
You know when circumstances getnegative or you know when
things got bad.
So it happened to Marcos whilewe were in the crisis that he
started to change at firstbehaviors and just to try to, I
guess, manipulate, we could say,or control the situation a
(09:46):
little bit.
And then he realized that youknow I was still treating him
bad, so he did a turn into.
You know, I'm gonna do this forme.
I'm gonna do it for me tobecome the best version of
myself that I that could be foryou know me, for the kids, for
(10:07):
the marriage, or you know.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, the problem with doing it for the other
person is you end up not doingthings.
That, because, as Pulse isevoking positive emotions within
the other person, pies is doingthings that evoke positive
emotions within yourself.
So if you try, like I, have aclient in Spain.
(10:32):
She is Chinese descendant.
They met in taiwan and hebrought her back to spain and
then left her.
So this lady, as pies as partof her pies, is watching soccer
games all day because he's asoccer fan.
(10:53):
And I asked her her okay, doyou even like soccer?
No, but if we have aconversation, I know what to say
, because her favorite team isBarcelona.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm all like stop.
That just brings anxiety to you.
You're going to go throughhours of soccer.
You may not even that subject,may not even ever come, and
(11:15):
you're just distressing yourself.
Your anxiety is going up.
That's another thing thathappens when you do pies for
that person.
If they don't see the results,your anxiety level goes up.
Then, when you haveinteractions, your chances of
you making a mistake, becauseyou are up here on anxiety,
they're much higher.
So you just focus on yourself.
(11:37):
Do the things that evokepositive emotions to you.
I the way I did pies.
In my case, the way I describethis is like throwing pancakes
to the ceiling to see which onesticks you do different things.
I I did a bunch of stuff duringdeveloping my Pies culture what
I call developing a Pies culturethat I keep every morning.
(12:01):
I do my Pies for about an hourwhen I wake up.
That's what I do, and it was aprocess of trying things,
throwing them away, addingthings, taking things out.
It changes with times too,depending on where you are and I
did many things that I read.
I was like this should be great, like watching the sunrise at
the beach.
I'm not a kind of guy.
(12:21):
It was me, not because shelikes to watch sunrises on the
beach, I would like the same.
So I stopped.
It's not for her, it's for me,and that will improve your peace
level in order to do a smartcontact better.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
We used to do conflict really bad, really bad.
Or I will say Marcos would havedone conflict really bad.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
And I would just stay there and be quiet and not say
a thing.
I'm a big guy, yeah.
So it's not about what I willhave wanted to learn sooner,
because when we first came tothe workshop we learned these
principles, but it was so hardto implement them at first.
So, for me, I knew, I knew whatI needed to do, well and right,
(13:22):
but the level of frustrationthat I was going through, the
level of hurt, the level of pain, um, kept me making mistakes,
you know.
So I wish I would have had,maybe, a stronger will, which I
do have a strong will, but youknow, still, every now and then,
(13:44):
when I, when she will come andI was treating her what I
thought was treating her greatlyfor a while, and she will come
and try to pick on me, and pickon me because she wanted to
force her way out by making memaybe tell her, you know what,
get the hell out of here, orsomething like that Then I will
go back to what I call the oldMarcos and start throwing some
(14:07):
poison pills down the well, andthat's the one thing that
usually set me back a little bit.
It happens to so many of us.
We do well for a while, then wecan't take it no more.
We make a mistake or twomistakes, and then our spouses
come and say, see, this is whatI don't want to do in life with
(14:28):
you and we're like, come on,please give me a break.
It is hard, it's not easy.
Another thing that we say is wedon't teach this stuff in order
for you to do when they're easyto do.
We teach them so it becomesnatural by practice, so you can
do them when they are hard to do.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeah, so you will say that it was fear.
You use the word fear, but youalso talk about will not having
enough will to do what you weresupposed to do.
Could it be like consistency Aword that we could add there as
well Like to stay consistent towhat you're doing, no matter
(15:10):
what, which is hard.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Kind of believe in the end result.
Believe in the end result, youknow, believe in the goal.
Make sure that your focus is on.
This is what I want toaccomplish, whatever it is.
For me was not even get youback.
To get my wife back for me wasget my family back.
so when I really start focusingon like, okay, is this that is
(15:37):
going to come out of my mouthwill get me closer or farther
away to my goal and I was alwaysthinking about my goal getting
my family back.
It doesn't matter how much painI'm in, it doesn't matter what
she deserves to hear from me.
It was more about will this getme closer or farther away, and
(15:59):
that's basically how I did smartcontact after that.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
That's really good.
I love that.
Yeah, yeah, we do, we do.
I mean, like I always say, youknow, our marriage is not
perfect.
Our marriage is really reallygood.
I will not change it foranything.
It's not perfect, so we have tobe really good.
I will not change it foranything.
It's not perfect.
So we have to be careful withwhat we do and what we say.
(16:24):
You know, sometimes we go, wemay go back to old habits, but
you know we click out of itpretty quick, so we still do.
I don't know if you have anyexamples that you can think of.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yeah, when we talk about getting your marriage to a
deeper level, better than itever was, what it looks like to
me is you will not compromisewhat you have obtained, what you
(16:59):
have sacrificed to get to, foranything.
At a point that feeling getsinto you.
Look, I'm not getting anythingto come in between what we have
built.
That's how we're feeling now weare there.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
You know, somebody comes in the gym and says
something to me and it's afemale.
I don't even talk anymore, I'llbark.
You know I don't want talkanymore, I'll bark.
You know I don't want nothingto get in between what we have
built.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
We protect.
We protect our relationship awhole lot, we protect our
relationship and that's part ofsmart contact too.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
We make sure that whatever's going to come out of
my mouth comes in a way that itdoesn't harm the other person.
And yeah, like Elisa said,every now and then something
happens.
Yeah, but like horsemen, youknow those horses that they used
to run wild all the time.
Now, when one comes out, likeit happened to us, like a few
(17:52):
weeks ago, you know, she cameout and used sarcasm and I look
at her and I start laughing.
I was like, okay, you just useda horseman.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
We laughed for like five minutes after that.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
I haven't heard nothing like that in like years.
But we made sure that okay,yeah, this happened, but let's
take care of it.
You know, we don't want it tohappen again.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Yeah, yeah.
So coming into the workshop,maybe you may get to know a
little bit of our story inanother video, but I got married
pretty young.
We're both pretty ignorant onwhat we're doing and I'm not
saying that you know.
You may marry a little olderand you will know what to do,
but still we were very ignorant.
(18:36):
A lot of the moments in theworkshop were very eye-opening
and so coming to the workshopand learning what we learned has
helped us a whole lot.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
Yeah, my way of doing a smart contact or what I
thought a smart contact was waslet me bring the food to the
table.
You give me what I want.
Women, Pass me a beer, get itout of of the way and let me
watch the game.
That was a smart contact for us.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Yeah, we were leaving , maybe like in the early 1900s
something along those lines.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
That's what it sounded like we walk into that
place from at least me, myexperience.
I walk into that place at leastme, my experience.
I walk into that place Fridaymorning thinking I'm right, we
were having this crisis.
She was walking out of themarriage.
Hey, I'm doing kind of.
I mean, I'm a little rough onthe edges, yeah, I'm a little
(19:33):
tough, but I'm the one who'sright here.
And the process with thatworship is they open you up,
they dissect you is no way youcan hide from who you are and
what you have done.
You know, pile after pile ofinformation, they will hit you
(19:56):
like a ton of bricks unlessyou're a perfect human being,
which I don't think you are.
I wasn't.
She's awesome, but she wasn't.
So I found myself on Fridayafternoon on the hallway of that
place that we were having thatconference that day, on my butt,
sitting with my hands betweenmy head, and I'm like man, I'm a
(20:17):
humongous jerk.
I'm doing all this wrong and alot of that is how I treated my
wife with the things I said.
I was hurting her withoutknowing.
Honestly, I was naive enough tonot know how much pain I was
inflicting.
The workshop is eye-opening,all throughout.
Everything you know spells outsmart contact, even if we're
(20:40):
talking about different segmentswith different things.
It's all about communicationAll through the worship.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Yeah, and it I mean it changed our lives, it changed
our marriage.
But let's just, you know, yes,we want to save marriages,
that's our goal.
Want to save marriages, that'sour goal.
But it's so individual too thatit helped us both learn about
(21:07):
us.
You know, now, a day now Iquestion everything I do.
Why do I do this?
Like, where is this coming from?
So there's so many things thathave taught us that I can
totally say that this changedour lives, not only our
marriages, but our life, youknow, for the better.
Yes, it will.
You will learn more aboutyourself.
(21:29):
Yes, sometimes that will hurt,and that's you know.
If you're already in pain, youmay not want to hurt anymore,
but it's a benefit.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Under that there's a lot of benefit under that.
Yeah, you have to be able to gothere with an open mind,
thinking not like, even if Iwalk out with a closed mind,
they open up for me.
But if you can get there withan open mind instead of thinking
, okay, how they can fix myspouse, what can I do myself to
(22:00):
become better, I encourage youto go to magehelpercom.
Slash call c-a-l-l.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Check us out okay well, thanks so much for
watching and we will see you inthe next video.
You.
Hello, I'm Marcos.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Elisa.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
We are part of the team here at Merch Helper.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
And today we're going to talk about smart contact.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
If I had to explain it in one sentence, it will be
something that allow the linesof being available when you need
it and give a space when theyrequest a space Somewhere in the
middle, don't you think?
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yes, something that we learn pretty well in our time
in crisis.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Like be able.
I mean you have to become somesort of a detective and see your
spouse reactions to when youapproach.
Um, if they're being rejectingyour approach, if they're
engaged they move a littleforward.
All those signs you got.
You're gonna become pretty goodat doing that with time.
(00:57):
It's not gonna come natural toyou but it can be developed
quite a bit if you put theeffort in it.
(01:20):
Well, yes, at first for us itwas, I mean, for me it was, um,
I have no pools.
You know, smart.
Smart contact is a way todiminish your pushes and
increase your pulls somehowthrough communication.
It was no pulls that couldactually come out wet, because
my wife was out of the marriage.
She wanted out, so it was onlyabout diminishing pushes.
If I try to force my way intoher with chatting about whatever
(01:43):
more than items, it will be apush.
So that was not a smart contact.
Doesn't matter what I wascoming and trying to.
Hey, let me tell you about yourday.
And she gave me just it wasfine, very short, cold answer.
I have to take that as anindication.
Okay, if I say something elseat this point, it's going to a
push.
I see a lot of that with myclients that in order to force
(02:07):
smart contact, they try to openchannels of communication when
those channels are not there,and you become doing more harm
than good.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
You became really good at this.
Making me feel safe, notcontrolling anymore, was one of
the things that we suffer awhole lot before our crisis and
during our crisis at thebeginning.
So stopping all the pushes,like he was saying that he
actually, you know, startworking on those it made me feel
(02:40):
safe, like I said, and then,you know, willing to communicate
with him because we were ableto communicate.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
And it's not only when you say it, I mean how you
say it, but when you say it.
My analogy, bad analogy is likefishing.
You threw a hook in the water,like you ask a question and if
they go with it, if the fishtakes the hook and start talking
(03:09):
, you let them go.
You always follow the waves,you always follow that pattern.
They want to talk aboutsomething, go there, don't cut
them off with another questionand, you know, chop their train
of thought, allow them toexpress themselves if they are,
but if they give you some sure,concise answer, I mean, let's
(03:32):
say the only thing you do is atsome point you go to the same
church and you sit side by sidebecause the family goes there
and you have to sit by side byside, enjoy that win.
You know, if you try to forgeyour way back to her or his car
and make a conversation and theother person is not into it,
(03:52):
it's better for you to part waysright there at the bench.
Go home, I mean, fight anotherday yeah, very much so the
pushes and pull.
what we've been talking talkingabout is it is pushes and pulls.
Push and pull is like thefoundation of every single
concept that we have at MarriageHelper.
Anything you do that evokesnegative emotions within your
(04:18):
spouse is a push.
Doesn't matter if you intend itto be a negative emotion or not
, or positive, and the contrarygoes as well.
Sometimes you're not engagingin what you think is a smart
contact.
It's a pull, and this is athing I have with a lot of my
(04:39):
clients that I tell everybodyfrom the get-go when I send them
to a smart contact toolkit.
That we have is basically everyother toolkit is very
straightforward.
I mean you go, you listen to itand then you come back to me.
And they come back to me andthey tell me okay, I'm doing
this, I'm doing that, but forsome reason with smart contact
(05:00):
it's always.
They come back to me and theysay I'm doing A, b and C and I'm
like, okay, c, yeah, but A B.
It's just a hybrid of whateveris the way you do things With
what we say you should do things.
Go back, take yourpreconceptions of how you're
supposed to talk, send emails,do things for the other person.
(05:22):
You know, smart content is notonly about conversations.
It's about what you do, as well, you know, and it's about not
taking more than you give in to.
That's the critical part aboutit.
So go back to smart contact.
Take all your ideas, how you docommunication and just listen.
If you do that, it's prettyself-explanatory.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
And we know it's hard to do smart contact when you're
in crisis.
It's tough to do smart contactwhen you know your spouse may be
hating you at the moment, andthat's one of the things that we
were going through.
I mean, I was in an affair, Iwant him out.
I want, I wanted to be out ofthe marriage.
(06:07):
I wanted to push Marcos away.
So I will do anything, you know, imagine to push him away.
And so I know, and we know,it's hard to do smart contact
when your spouse may be hatingyou.
We get that and it's possible.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Fear is the worst enemy of smart contact, because
you see your spouse driftingaway and you think I have to do
something.
And that's when most peoplemake mistakes.
They try to impose themselves,they try to drop themselves
somehow in circumstances, insituations you cannot force your
way in.
You cannot force your way in.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Give you a force of your way in, you will push the
other person away more and moreand more yeah, smart contact for
us was really, besides behavior, communication um, like I said
before, the fact that you know I, no matter what I did, he, you
know, was able to treat me withrespect, treat me with respect
(07:13):
and accept where I was, andthere's so many other aspects
that we can spend all daytalking here about.
You know, at least in ourcrisis time, how we've worked
throughout this.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
When there's very little to no communication.
Number one yes, you do have towait for those opportunities.
You got to be prepared.
You're working on your pies soyou make sure that the very slim
opportunity you have you are intip-top shape.
But smart contact is not onlyabout direct contact between
those two people.
(07:52):
When you guys were married, youhave circle of friends, you
have families, you have all sortof ropes what we call ropes in
marriage helper that connectdots with dots.
And if you work on your pies, ifyou start changing your
behaviors not yourself yourbehaviors in order to be a
(08:15):
better self, somehow that willtrick her down.
Okay, it's not about youintentionally trying to tell a
friend hey, tell my wife thatI'm doing much better here or I
stopped drinking.
But by you going To thosecircles of friends and maybe if
you had a drinking problembefore, you're not drinking
anymore they're seeing that youdon't have to showcase yourself.
(08:38):
They will see your changes.
They will see you are treatingpeople differently.
That happened in our story alittle bit, you know, and most
of our circle of friends wereher friends, so they were on her
side.
But still some of that like,hey, marco is not the same guy
anymore, and even if she didn'twant to see that she was hearing
(09:01):
it.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Yeah Well, we spent a good amount of time together
too, so I could totally see thechange.
Now, one of the things that weteach here at Marriage Helper is
not to do the changes for theother person, and that's what we
normally try to do.
We want to change our behaviorso she or he could see it, and
that's really not the case.
We want to do it for us.
(09:23):
If we start doing it for theother person, we may give up.
You know when circumstances getnegative or you know when
things got bad.
So it happened to Marcos whilewe were in the crisis that he
started to change at firstbehaviors and just to try to, I
guess, manipulate, we could say,or control the situation a
(09:46):
little bit.
And then he realized that youknow I was still treating him
bad, so he did a turn into.
You know, I'm gonna do this forme.
I'm gonna do it for me tobecome the best version of
myself that I that could be foryou know me, for the kids, for
(10:07):
the marriage, or you know.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, the problem with doing it for the other
person is you end up not doingthings.
That, because, as Pulse isevoking positive emotions within
the other person, pies is doingthings that evoke positive
emotions within yourself.
So if you try, like I, have aclient in Spain.
(10:32):
She is Chinese descendant.
They met in taiwan and hebrought her back to spain and
then left her.
So this lady, as pies as partof her pies, is watching soccer
games all day because he's asoccer fan.
(10:53):
And I asked her her okay, doyou even like soccer?
No, but if we have aconversation, I know what to say
, because her favorite team isBarcelona.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm all like stop.
That just brings anxiety to you.
You're going to go throughhours of soccer.
You may not even that subject,may not even ever come, and
(11:15):
you're just distressing yourself.
Your anxiety is going up.
That's another thing thathappens when you do pies for
that person.
If they don't see the results,your anxiety level goes up.
Then, when you haveinteractions, your chances of
you making a mistake, becauseyou are up here on anxiety,
they're much higher.
So you just focus on yourself.
(11:37):
Do the things that evokepositive emotions to you.
I the way I did pies.
In my case, the way I describethis is like throwing pancakes
to the ceiling to see which onesticks you do different things.
I I did a bunch of stuff duringdeveloping my Pies culture what
I call developing a Pies culturethat I keep every morning.
(12:01):
I do my Pies for about an hourwhen I wake up.
That's what I do, and it was aprocess of trying things,
throwing them away, addingthings, taking things out.
It changes with times too,depending on where you are and I
did many things that I read.
I was like this should be great, like watching the sunrise at
the beach.
I'm not a kind of guy.
(12:21):
It was me, not because shelikes to watch sunrises on the
beach, I would like the same.
So I stopped.
It's not for her, it's for me,and that will improve your peace
level in order to do a smartcontact better.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
We used to do conflict really bad, really bad.
Or I will say Marcos would havedone conflict really bad.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
And I would just stay there and be quiet and not say
a thing.
I'm a big guy, yeah.
So it's not about what I willhave wanted to learn sooner,
because when we first came tothe workshop we learned these
principles, but it was so hardto implement them at first.
So, for me, I knew, I knew whatI needed to do, well and right,
(13:22):
but the level of frustrationthat I was going through, the
level of hurt, the level of pain, um, kept me making mistakes,
you know.
So I wish I would have had,maybe, a stronger will, which I
do have a strong will, but youknow, still, every now and then,
(13:44):
when I, when she will come andI was treating her what I
thought was treating her greatlyfor a while, and she will come
and try to pick on me, and pickon me because she wanted to
force her way out by making memaybe tell her, you know what,
get the hell out of here, orsomething like that Then I will
go back to what I call the oldMarcos and start throwing some
(14:07):
poison pills down the well, andthat's the one thing that
usually set me back a little bit.
It happens to so many of us.
We do well for a while, then wecan't take it no more.
We make a mistake or twomistakes, and then our spouses
come and say, see, this is whatI don't want to do in life with
(14:28):
you and we're like, come on,please give me a break.
It is hard, it's not easy.
Another thing that we say is wedon't teach this stuff in order
for you to do when they're easyto do.
We teach them so it becomesnatural by practice, so you can
do them when they are hard to do.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeah, so you will say that it was fear.
You use the word fear, but youalso talk about will not having
enough will to do what you weresupposed to do.
Could it be like consistency Aword that we could add there as
well Like to stay consistent towhat you're doing, no matter
(15:10):
what, which is hard.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Kind of believe in the end result.
Believe in the end result, youknow, believe in the goal.
Make sure that your focus is on.
This is what I want toaccomplish, whatever it is.
For me was not even get youback.
To get my wife back for me wasget my family back.
so when I really start focusingon like, okay, is this that is
(15:37):
going to come out of my mouthwill get me closer or farther
away to my goal and I was alwaysthinking about my goal getting
my family back.
It doesn't matter how much painI'm in, it doesn't matter what
she deserves to hear from me.
It was more about will this getme closer or farther away, and
(15:59):
that's basically how I did smartcontact after that.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
That's really good.
I love that.
Yeah, yeah, we do, we do.
I mean, like I always say, youknow, our marriage is not
perfect.
Our marriage is really reallygood.
I will not change it foranything.
It's not perfect, so we have tobe really good.
I will not change it foranything.
It's not perfect.
So we have to be careful withwhat we do and what we say.
(16:24):
You know, sometimes we go, wemay go back to old habits, but
you know we click out of itpretty quick, so we still do.
I don't know if you have anyexamples that you can think of.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yeah, when we talk about getting your marriage to a
deeper level, better than itever was, what it looks like to
me is you will not compromisewhat you have obtained, what you
(16:59):
have sacrificed to get to, foranything.
At a point that feeling getsinto you.
Look, I'm not getting anythingto come in between what we have
built.
That's how we're feeling now weare there.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
You know, somebody comes in the gym and says
something to me and it's afemale.
I don't even talk anymore, I'llbark.
You know I don't want talkanymore, I'll bark.
You know I don't want nothingto get in between what we have
built.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
We protect.
We protect our relationship awhole lot, we protect our
relationship and that's part ofsmart contact too.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
We make sure that whatever's going to come out of
my mouth comes in a way that itdoesn't harm the other person.
And yeah, like Elisa said,every now and then something
happens.
Yeah, but like horsemen, youknow those horses that they used
to run wild all the time.
Now, when one comes out, likeit happened to us, like a few
(17:52):
weeks ago, you know, she cameout and used sarcasm and I look
at her and I start laughing.
I was like, okay, you just useda horseman.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
We laughed for like five minutes after that.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
I haven't heard nothing like that in like years.
But we made sure that okay,yeah, this happened, but let's
take care of it.
You know, we don't want it tohappen again.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Yeah, yeah.
So coming into the workshop,maybe you may get to know a
little bit of our story inanother video, but I got married
pretty young.
We're both pretty ignorant onwhat we're doing and I'm not
saying that you know.
You may marry a little olderand you will know what to do,
but still we were very ignorant.
(18:36):
A lot of the moments in theworkshop were very eye-opening
and so coming to the workshopand learning what we learned has
helped us a whole lot.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
Yeah, my way of doing a smart contact or what I
thought a smart contact was waslet me bring the food to the
table.
You give me what I want.
Women, Pass me a beer, get itout of of the way and let me
watch the game.
That was a smart contact for us.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Yeah, we were leaving , maybe like in the early 1900s
something along those lines.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
That's what it sounded like we walk into that
place from at least me, myexperience.
I walk into that place at leastme, my experience.
I walk into that place Fridaymorning thinking I'm right, we
were having this crisis.
She was walking out of themarriage.
Hey, I'm doing kind of.
I mean, I'm a little rough onthe edges, yeah, I'm a little
(19:33):
tough, but I'm the one who'sright here.
And the process with thatworship is they open you up,
they dissect you is no way youcan hide from who you are and
what you have done.
You know, pile after pile ofinformation, they will hit you
(19:56):
like a ton of bricks unlessyou're a perfect human being,
which I don't think you are.
I wasn't.
She's awesome, but she wasn't.
So I found myself on Fridayafternoon on the hallway of that
place that we were having thatconference that day, on my butt,
sitting with my hands betweenmy head, and I'm like man, I'm a
(20:17):
humongous jerk.
I'm doing all this wrong and alot of that is how I treated my
wife with the things I said.
I was hurting her withoutknowing.
Honestly, I was naive enough tonot know how much pain I was
inflicting.
The workshop is eye-opening,all throughout.
Everything you know spells outsmart contact, even if we're
(20:40):
talking about different segmentswith different things.
It's all about communicationAll through the worship.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Yeah, and it I mean it changed our lives, it changed
our marriage.
But let's just, you know, yes,we want to save marriages,
that's our goal.
Want to save marriages, that'sour goal.
But it's so individual too thatit helped us both learn about
(21:07):
us.
You know, now, a day now Iquestion everything I do.
Why do I do this?
Like, where is this coming from?
So there's so many things thathave taught us that I can
totally say that this changedour lives, not only our
marriages, but our life, youknow, for the better.
Yes, it will.
You will learn more aboutyourself.
(21:29):
Yes, sometimes that will hurt,and that's you know.
If you're already in pain, youmay not want to hurt anymore,
but it's a benefit.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Under that there's a lot of benefit under that.
Yeah, you have to be able to gothere with an open mind,
thinking not like, even if Iwalk out with a closed mind,
they open up for me.
But if you can get there withan open mind instead of thinking
, okay, how they can fix myspouse, what can I do myself to
(22:00):
become better, I encourage youto go to magehelpercom.
Slash call c-a-l-l.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Check us out okay well, thanks so much for
watching and we will see you inthe next video.
You.
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