February 12, 2025 • 20 mins
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Can a single decision shake the very foundations of your well-being? Join me, Dr. Joe Beam, as we navigate the turbulent waters of marital distress and explore its profound impacts on our lives. This episode uncovers the intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges that arise when relationships are in crisis. We'll confront how panic and fear can lead to neglecting self-care and clouding our judgment. Through personal stories and insights, we aim to empower you with the knowledge to find peace amidst chaos and maintain your health in trying times.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
People call us every day from literally all over the
world.
Some communicate to us onlinethrough the Internet, and some
just call our phones, includingour toll-free numbers, because
they're in so much pain.
And one of the things we havediscovered is this so many of
these people, because theirmarriage is falling apart, their
spouse has said I'm leaving you, this is over, that they're
(00:22):
just kind of in panic mode, likewhat am I going to do?
How am I going to live, how amI going to pay my bills?
All kinds of things like that.
So let me talk to you a littlebit about this, if I may.
How can you have peace withinwhen things in your life that
you care about, that matter toyou, are falling apart?
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam withMarriage Helper.
(00:44):
Welcome to Relationship Radio.
You see, peace is somethingthat's inside of you.
Now, sometimes we understandthat people are having no peace
because of what's happeningaround them at the moment.
If I stepped into the middle ofa bunch of rattlesnakes, I
would have no peace because I'dbe thinking, oh my goodness,
they're about to bite me, I'mgoing to die, this is going to
(01:06):
be terrible.
And so we can understand peoplehaving no peace in certain
situations and you say, well,couldn't you just the same
understand?
Well, people have no peace ifthey're in the middle of the
person that I love, the personthat I've been spending my life
with, the person I care about sodeeply, doesn't want to be with
me anymore.
Can't you understand how that aperson in that situation would
(01:29):
be feeling no peace?
Well, sure, I definitelyunderstand that, but at the same
time, that agitation tends tocause people to make poor
decisions and sometimes theywill actually do things that
cause harm to them physically,you say, well, what do you mean?
Like they cut themselves?
No, not necessarily that.
I remember working with a coupleoh, 30 years ago actually, 1994
(01:52):
was the year that I worked withthem and she had lost, oh,
almost all her weight.
She was nearly as thin as skinand bones.
And I asked her are younormally this thin?
She said no.
I said then we need you to eat.
She said I don't feel likeeating, I'm too nervous to eat,
I'm too scared to eat.
The man that I love is leavingme for another woman.
(02:12):
I don't know what to do and Isaid well, I can tell you one
thing to do eat, and eat healthyfood.
Don't just grab candy barsbecause they might be comfort
food where the sugar can helpyou feel a little better because
you're so distraught.
But you need to eat or you'regoing to die, and that doesn't
help anything.
(02:33):
And so people can sometimessuffer physically because of the
lack of peace they have withthemselves.
They can struggleintellectually.
You say what do you mean?
They can't, they can't thinkright anymore.
Like they get in the car andthey mean to go to the grocery
store and the next thing youknow they pull up at their
church and they're thinking howdid I get here?
Or they have a job and theyfind that their boss is saying
to them over and over again youdidn't do this right, you messed
(02:57):
that up.
You're making all kinds ofmistakes that we can't have.
We can't tolerate thesemistakes because they're costing
us money.
So you need to do it right.
But their mind is so distraught, so mixed up in this.
I don't know if it's trueanymore, but back many, many
years ago I was taught that if afighter pilot in the Air Force
was having great maritaldifficulty, they wouldn't let
(03:18):
him fly.
Now again, I don't know if thathappens in this day or not, but
that was way back when I was incollege, and one of my
professors taught me that and hesaid can you understand why
they wouldn't let them fly?
Because they're agitated.
And because they're agitatedthey may make all kinds of
mistakes which could result inthem hurting somebody else, like
other planes flying with them,or hurt themselves and destroy
(03:40):
millions of dollars worth ofairplanes.
And so we just keep them on theground while they're agitated.
And so physically it can affectyou.
Intellectually it can affect you, where you seem like you can't
think about anything other thanthis, and it just stays in your
mind and goes over and over andover and over and over, and then
emotionally, where the personbegins to feel things like I
(04:03):
can't live anymore, I can'thandle this kind of pain.
Maybe it's because I'munlovable, there's just
something wrong with me.
And then they begin to thinkabout the various times in their
lives when people hurt them anddid things to them and they're
thinking it's me, it's me,there's something wrong with me,
and they decide they can't lovethemselves.
Well, it's not a consciousdecision, it's a subconscious
(04:24):
decision, but they begin tothink I'm unlovable, I'm not
lovely at all, and so all kindsof things emotionally can happen
, or they become extremelybitter and angry or that no one
wants to be around them, or theybecome the kind of people that
are so irritable they'resnapping at everybody,
especially their children, andtheir children are paying a
penalty that they don't need topay and spiritually like well,
(04:48):
if God doesn't make my spousestraighten up and come back and
do right, then I don't believethat God's there anymore.
I'm not going to church anymore, even though I used to go all
the time.
My church friends call me andmiss me, but I'm not going there
anymore because of the factthat it just doesn't make any
difference.
And so physically,intellectually, emotionally,
spiritually, and if you're not aChristian, for example, if
(05:10):
you're Jewish, if you're Muslim,whatever it might be that you
begin to have problems with yourfaith because of the fact that
it's like I'm all alone, can youfind peace in the middle of all
that?
You can.
You say, well, how can I dosomething to make myself found
(05:30):
peace?
Be careful with that, becausesome people will find peace in a
bottle of alcohol.
They'll drink the beer, notjust a beer, a whole bunch of
beers.
Or they'll drink a lot of hardliquor or whatever it might be,
until they finally just kind ofbecome a zombie in a sense,
where they're not thinking orfeeling anything.
Now it doesn't mean that theyreally have peace within.
(05:52):
What it means is, at least atthis moment I'm not feeling the
pain because the way I havemedicated my pain through this
is somehow making me okay forthe moment.
Or they might be doing it withdrugs it might be illegal drugs
that they're getting off thestreet somewhere, or it may be
that they've gotten three orfour different doctors who don't
know about each other, andthese doctors are each writing
(06:15):
prescriptions for Xanax orwhatever it might be, and then
they're going to four differentpharmacies and getting these
prescriptions filled and nowthey have a ton of Xanax.
Several years ago I was workingas a consultant with a chain of
psychiatric hospitals where I'dfly from one to the next to the
next helping them with variousthings, and I remember seeing an
intake once where a lady shecame to the hospital herself and
(06:38):
they were interviewing her in aroom and she said I think I
need to be committed and theyasked her why, and she had done
exactly that.
I don't remember if it was fouror five different doctors, four
or five different pharmacies,but she was taking Xanax like
they were his, just right out ofthe dispenser, more and more
and more.
And as she was talking to usshe was still agitated, nervous
(07:00):
and like I've got to find peacesomehow.
But I know if I keep doing thisI'm going to die and other
people will try to find peace byjust rebelling against anything
and everything they've everbelieved before.
Like I've always been a goodwoman, I've always been faithful
to my husband, I've never hadillicit sex with anybody.
But now, all of a sudden I'mgoing to sex clubs and I'm
(07:23):
sleeping with as many differentpeople as I can.
Or I'm going to nightclubs andpicking up as many different men
as I can.
One lady told me she said Iactually walked the streets of
Vegas trying to get somebody topick me up.
I wanted to.
Actually, two different ladiestold me that I walked the
streets of Vegas trying to getsomebody to pick me up and have
(07:44):
sex with me, because then Iwould feel like that I have some
value.
I would feel like that I'mmaybe lovable, at least I'm
desirable.
And so there are all kinds ofdifferent things people will do
to try to find peace within.
But here's the problem with allof those things, they're
temporary.
If you find peace at all, ifthat's a big if, if you find
(08:05):
peace at all, it doesn't lastthat long.
Peace at all, it doesn't lastthat long.
And then when the sex, theillicit sex, is over, when the
drug wears off, when you finallysober up and have that terrible
hangover, you're right backwhere you started.
(08:27):
And so if you seek peace thatway, it's going to work against
you.
And oh, particularly ladieshear this If you're thinking
that peace will come, if youjust feel like somebody loves
you and gives you value again,there are predators out there
who can read that like crazy.
They can see that in a woman.
Oh, she's hurting, she's inpain, she feels lost, she wants
somebody.
And they'll come into your lifeand they'll use you physically,
without a doubt, but becausethey're so slick and they know
(08:47):
what into your life.
And they'll use you physically,without a doubt, but because
they're so slick and they knowwhat they're doing, if you have
any assets like money orproperty, they'll get that from
you slowly, carefully, becausethey're really good at being
predators.
So then, how do you find peaceif your marriage is in trouble?
Then how do you find peace ifyour marriage is in trouble.
(09:10):
Well, one thing I'd recommend isthat you go to the podcast.
It starts with attraction.
It's done by my daughter,kimberly Beam Holmes, and you
can find some things there thatare some exercises to help you
physically.
But you see, physical is notenough just in and of itself.
What really brings peace isfaith.
(09:34):
Now let me explain that beforeyou go on good grief, the guy's
going to get religious on us.
Let's turn this to another video.
Just stay with me a minute, ifyou will.
Now, obviously, because of thefact that I am a Christian, then
I would think faith in myFather, god, that the more faith
in him I have, the more peace Ican have.
I'll come back to that in aminute, because you may not be
religious whatsoever.
So, faith in what else?
(09:55):
Faith in you?
No, not that you're God, don'ttry to replace him with you,
that won't work but faith thatyou are lovely and lovable.
You might be thinking well, drBeam, you've never seen me.
I'm just not that, dr Beam,you've never seen me.
I'm just not that physicallyattractive.
Hey, look at me, I'm not either.
(10:16):
All my life I've been made funof that.
I'm ugly, literally from thetime I was a little boy up until
in my adulthood.
Not too long ago I saw a guy Ihad not seen in probably 20
years and the first words out ofhis mouth you're uglier now
than you've ever been.
A good friend of mine who dieda couple of years ago very close
(10:37):
friend of mine every once in awhile would say well, Joe, I
know, and he would be deadserious.
Joe, I know it's kind of roughto have confidence when you look
like you do, and he was asserious as he could be.
And so you don't have to be themost beautiful person on the
planet, you don't.
You don't have to beclassically handsome or
classically pretty, and somepeople are, and good for them, I
(11:01):
guess, except for the fact thatpeople who are extremely
attractive, both male and female, have to worry about people who
try to make relationships withthem.
Are they after my body?
Are they after just beingfriends?
And just like people who arevery wealthy, people who are
very pretty or handsome have toworry about people who want
(11:22):
relationships with them.
What is it that they reallytruly want?
Look, you are fearfully andwonderfully made.
You're a walking miracle inthat sense.
You have a mind and right nowyou might think, oh, I used to
have a mind, but I don't have itright now.
You do, it's in there.
You have certain skills, youhave certain abilities, you have
(11:45):
certain talents.
What I would recommend right now, if you're going to build some
confidence in yourself, is sitdown with a piece of paper and
be as objective as you can andyou sit down and you write out
things that you know how to dowell, well, like okay, I know
how to teach.
I'm a really good teacher, good.
Or I know how to make friends.
I'm really socially veryfriendly, good.
(12:05):
Or I know how to, whatever itmight have to be, whatever
skills, whatever abilities youhave, whatever skills, whatever
abilities you have, write themdown and look at them.
And then, right over here,other things that you have.
What do you have going for youphysically that maybe other
people don't have?
Even if you're not like anAdonis or a Cinderella, what
else do you have going for youmentally, physically,
intellectually, spiritually,emotionally, all of those kinds
(12:28):
of things.
Write those things down.
Like you know, I have a truerelationship with my God.
Whomever your God may be, I amtruly helpful to other people.
People love being around mebecause I'm so helpful to them.
Write it down.
And when you look at all thosestrengths and attributes, if you
have some good friends who knowhow to be positive, that's them
.
Look, I'm not looking fornegatives.
(12:49):
I know everybody has negatives.
I have enough awareness of myown negatives.
I'm not looking for negatives.
I know everybody has negatives.
I have enough awareness of myown negatives.
I'm asking you tell mepositives you actually honestly
see.
Tell me about them.
What are good things about me?
And you build a littleportfolio of skills and
abilities, all the kinds ofthings, examples of where you've
done good things, et cetera, etcetera.
(13:10):
And you look at those and readthem every day and say I'm not
perfect, but I'm blessed.
I'm not perfect, but I'm good.
I don't have to be handsome, Idon't have to be rich, I don't
have to be the biggest andgreatest singer on the planet, I
don't have to be an author offamous books.
I do good.
(13:32):
You see, if you have confidencein yourself, you'll understand
this.
You have a future, even if yourspouse never comes back.
Now, I know it hurts and I'mnot trying to get you ready to
go without your spouse, buthere's what you need to hear If
you're going to have peace.
You can't think just in termsof what's happening right now.
You've got to think beyond that, outside, and and confidence.
Confidence is extremelyattractive.
(13:54):
Now, again, arrogance is aturnoff, but confidence is
powerful and if you believe inyou, then start believing in the
future.
Yes, I'd love to get mymarriage back.
I'm going to do all the thingsI need to do to make that happen
.
But if God forbid, we can't putthis marriage back together.
I'm the whole package.
(14:15):
Somebody would want to be withme, and whoever wants to be with
me is not going to be concernedabout how thin I am, how wide I
am, how tall I am, how short Iam, whether I can sing like a
nightingale, whether I have anIQ of 150,.
They're going to see theconfidence in me.
They're going to see thereality in me and that's going
(14:37):
to attract me.
A person just the same way, aperson who is confident, who's
not hung up on those things, whoreally understands what a true
relationship is.
Yeah, you see, focusing on thepain you have right now, you
can't have any peace.
But if you can focus on thegood in you and I know it's
there If you can focus on thegood in you and the future you
(15:01):
can have, even if your spousedoesn't come back, and how good
that future will be.
It will be.
And there's a principle thatlike attracts like.
And if you're that confidentnot arrogant, but that confident
believe that much in yourselfnot because you think you're the
one and only, but because ofthe fact that you know you've
(15:21):
got good value You'll attract aperson the same way, not a
predator, not a whiner, not aloser, but somebody with the
same kind of confidence.
It doesn't matter about yoursomatotype, your body type, it
doesn't matter about your IQ.
It matters that you are a wholeperson that has something to
(15:41):
offer and I'll guarantee you youdo.
Please write it down.
So believe in the future.
Faith, faith in yourself, faithin your future.
And if you are a religiousperson, then faith in God.
No, the God I worship is theone whose son is Jesus.
That's the God I worship, andI'm not trying to deny that in
(16:04):
any shape or fashion or form,because I am a very dedicated
Christian.
But in our religious book, whatwe call the Bible, it says that
you can have peace.
That passes understanding,meaning.
It makes no sense to anybodyelse.
How can you have peace in thissituation?
Well, because I also have faithin my father that he hasn't
(16:24):
abandoned me.
Nor will he.
Even when I have screwed uproyally, when I would think even
he can't love me, he does.
So, whether you have doneterrible things where you think
nobody can love you, there arepeople out there who can, who
will be good for you, but it hasto start with you loving
yourself.
Again, my religious book sayswe love others as we love
(16:46):
ourselves.
So you need to love yourselfand faith in your future and, if
you have a relationship withGod, faith in him.
In our workshop we don't talkabout religion, but we do help
you find faith in you and faithin your future.
You see, we have this intensethree-day workshop.
You can go through it onlinewith your spouse.
You can come to MiddleTennessee, just south of
(17:07):
Nashville, and go through it inan in-person version, and we'll
have several couples in therewho are also trying to find if
they want to stay in theirmarriage and, if so, how do you
get past what's happened so far?
We'll have X number of reluctantspouses, which means that these
will be people who will comeinto the in-person workshop but
not to save the marriage.
They came to get a better dealin the divorce or something that
(17:31):
the other person's promised.
We welcome them.
We'll treat them with absoluterespect.
We're happy you're here.
We're not going to twist anyarms.
We're not going to preach atyou for my religion.
We're just going to teach you awhole lot of things and we'll
treat everybody with respectEverybody.
And in that workshop you'll findout a lot about yourself Good
(17:52):
stuff, oh yeah.
You'll recognize some of thethings you've done wrong.
Welcome to the club.
Everybody is there.
We've all messed up, but you'realso going to learn about the
good stuff about yourself andthe good stuff about your future
.
And in that particular workshop, people grow.
It's just three days, butpeople grow tremendously.
(18:14):
And I hope you come.
You say, what if my spouse won'tcome with me?
Then we have solo versions.
We have an online solo versionthat both men and women are in,
and occasionally we have anin-person version here in Middle
Tennessee, just for men, justfor husbands.
We'd love to have you in eitherone of those.
We'd love to have you in eitherone of those, because we don't
want you to be messed up inside.
(18:34):
We want to help you find peace,because that's what you're going
to need if you're going toresolve your issues now and save
this marriage.
It's also what you're going toneed if this marriage God forbid
doesn't work, if you're goingto have the future that you need
.
If you'd like to know moreabout that, please contact us
(18:55):
through the internet.
It's wwwmarriagehelpercom.
That's marriagehelpcom.
You'll talk to one of ourrepresentatives.
It's a free call at this point.
You call and they'll talk toyou for 30, some of them will
even spend more time than 30minutes with you and they'll
listen to your situation andthey'll let you know what we
have to offer and they'll tellyou how we can help because, you
(19:17):
see, we want to please stopliving in misery.
Let us help you find the peaceinside of you, because that
peace gives you strength foreverything you're going to face
for the rest of your life andgive you happiness.
I'm Dr Joe Beam.
I'll see you in the nextepisode of Relationship Radio.
People call us every day from literally all over the
world.
Some communicate to us onlinethrough the Internet, and some
just call our phones, includingour toll-free numbers, because
they're in so much pain.
And one of the things we havediscovered is this so many of
these people, because theirmarriage is falling apart, their
spouse has said I'm leaving you, this is over, that they're
(00:22):
just kind of in panic mode, likewhat am I going to do?
How am I going to live, how amI going to pay my bills?
All kinds of things like that.
So let me talk to you a littlebit about this, if I may.
How can you have peace withinwhen things in your life that
you care about, that matter toyou, are falling apart?
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam withMarriage Helper.
(00:44):
Welcome to Relationship Radio.
You see, peace is somethingthat's inside of you.
Now, sometimes we understandthat people are having no peace
because of what's happeningaround them at the moment.
If I stepped into the middle ofa bunch of rattlesnakes, I
would have no peace because I'dbe thinking, oh my goodness,
they're about to bite me, I'mgoing to die, this is going to
(01:06):
be terrible.
And so we can understand peoplehaving no peace in certain
situations and you say, well,couldn't you just the same
understand?
Well, people have no peace ifthey're in the middle of the
person that I love, the personthat I've been spending my life
with, the person I care about sodeeply, doesn't want to be with
me anymore.
Can't you understand how that aperson in that situation would
(01:29):
be feeling no peace?
Well, sure, I definitelyunderstand that, but at the same
time, that agitation tends tocause people to make poor
decisions and sometimes theywill actually do things that
cause harm to them physically,you say, well, what do you mean?
Like they cut themselves?
No, not necessarily that.
I remember working with a coupleoh, 30 years ago actually, 1994
(01:52):
was the year that I worked withthem and she had lost, oh,
almost all her weight.
She was nearly as thin as skinand bones.
And I asked her are younormally this thin?
She said no.
I said then we need you to eat.
She said I don't feel likeeating, I'm too nervous to eat,
I'm too scared to eat.
The man that I love is leavingme for another woman.
(02:12):
I don't know what to do and Isaid well, I can tell you one
thing to do eat, and eat healthyfood.
Don't just grab candy barsbecause they might be comfort
food where the sugar can helpyou feel a little better because
you're so distraught.
But you need to eat or you'regoing to die, and that doesn't
help anything.
(02:33):
And so people can sometimessuffer physically because of the
lack of peace they have withthemselves.
They can struggleintellectually.
You say what do you mean?
They can't, they can't thinkright anymore.
Like they get in the car andthey mean to go to the grocery
store and the next thing youknow they pull up at their
church and they're thinking howdid I get here?
Or they have a job and theyfind that their boss is saying
to them over and over again youdidn't do this right, you messed
(02:57):
that up.
You're making all kinds ofmistakes that we can't have.
We can't tolerate thesemistakes because they're costing
us money.
So you need to do it right.
But their mind is so distraught, so mixed up in this.
I don't know if it's trueanymore, but back many, many
years ago I was taught that if afighter pilot in the Air Force
was having great maritaldifficulty, they wouldn't let
(03:18):
him fly.
Now again, I don't know if thathappens in this day or not, but
that was way back when I was incollege, and one of my
professors taught me that and hesaid can you understand why
they wouldn't let them fly?
Because they're agitated.
And because they're agitatedthey may make all kinds of
mistakes which could result inthem hurting somebody else, like
other planes flying with them,or hurt themselves and destroy
(03:40):
millions of dollars worth ofairplanes.
And so we just keep them on theground while they're agitated.
And so physically it can affectyou.
Intellectually it can affect you, where you seem like you can't
think about anything other thanthis, and it just stays in your
mind and goes over and over andover and over and over, and then
emotionally, where the personbegins to feel things like I
(04:03):
can't live anymore, I can'thandle this kind of pain.
Maybe it's because I'munlovable, there's just
something wrong with me.
And then they begin to thinkabout the various times in their
lives when people hurt them anddid things to them and they're
thinking it's me, it's me,there's something wrong with me,
and they decide they can't lovethemselves.
Well, it's not a consciousdecision, it's a subconscious
(04:24):
decision, but they begin tothink I'm unlovable, I'm not
lovely at all, and so all kindsof things emotionally can happen
, or they become extremelybitter and angry or that no one
wants to be around them, or theybecome the kind of people that
are so irritable they'resnapping at everybody,
especially their children, andtheir children are paying a
penalty that they don't need topay and spiritually like well,
(04:48):
if God doesn't make my spousestraighten up and come back and
do right, then I don't believethat God's there anymore.
I'm not going to church anymore, even though I used to go all
the time.
My church friends call me andmiss me, but I'm not going there
anymore because of the factthat it just doesn't make any
difference.
And so physically,intellectually, emotionally,
spiritually, and if you're not aChristian, for example, if
(05:10):
you're Jewish, if you're Muslim,whatever it might be that you
begin to have problems with yourfaith because of the fact that
it's like I'm all alone, can youfind peace in the middle of all
that?
You can.
You say, well, how can I dosomething to make myself found
(05:30):
peace?
Be careful with that, becausesome people will find peace in a
bottle of alcohol.
They'll drink the beer, notjust a beer, a whole bunch of
beers.
Or they'll drink a lot of hardliquor or whatever it might be,
until they finally just kind ofbecome a zombie in a sense,
where they're not thinking orfeeling anything.
Now it doesn't mean that theyreally have peace within.
(05:52):
What it means is, at least atthis moment I'm not feeling the
pain because the way I havemedicated my pain through this
is somehow making me okay forthe moment.
Or they might be doing it withdrugs it might be illegal drugs
that they're getting off thestreet somewhere, or it may be
that they've gotten three orfour different doctors who don't
know about each other, andthese doctors are each writing
(06:15):
prescriptions for Xanax orwhatever it might be, and then
they're going to four differentpharmacies and getting these
prescriptions filled and nowthey have a ton of Xanax.
Several years ago I was workingas a consultant with a chain of
psychiatric hospitals where I'dfly from one to the next to the
next helping them with variousthings, and I remember seeing an
intake once where a lady shecame to the hospital herself and
(06:38):
they were interviewing her in aroom and she said I think I
need to be committed and theyasked her why, and she had done
exactly that.
I don't remember if it was fouror five different doctors, four
or five different pharmacies,but she was taking Xanax like
they were his, just right out ofthe dispenser, more and more
and more.
And as she was talking to usshe was still agitated, nervous
(07:00):
and like I've got to find peacesomehow.
But I know if I keep doing thisI'm going to die and other
people will try to find peace byjust rebelling against anything
and everything they've everbelieved before.
Like I've always been a goodwoman, I've always been faithful
to my husband, I've never hadillicit sex with anybody.
But now, all of a sudden I'mgoing to sex clubs and I'm
(07:23):
sleeping with as many differentpeople as I can.
Or I'm going to nightclubs andpicking up as many different men
as I can.
One lady told me she said Iactually walked the streets of
Vegas trying to get somebody topick me up.
I wanted to.
Actually, two different ladiestold me that I walked the
streets of Vegas trying to getsomebody to pick me up and have
(07:44):
sex with me, because then Iwould feel like that I have some
value.
I would feel like that I'mmaybe lovable, at least I'm
desirable.
And so there are all kinds ofdifferent things people will do
to try to find peace within.
But here's the problem with allof those things, they're
temporary.
If you find peace at all, ifthat's a big if, if you find
(08:05):
peace at all, it doesn't lastthat long.
Peace at all, it doesn't lastthat long.
And then when the sex, theillicit sex, is over, when the
drug wears off, when you finallysober up and have that terrible
hangover, you're right backwhere you started.
(08:27):
And so if you seek peace thatway, it's going to work against
you.
And oh, particularly ladieshear this If you're thinking
that peace will come, if youjust feel like somebody loves
you and gives you value again,there are predators out there
who can read that like crazy.
They can see that in a woman.
Oh, she's hurting, she's inpain, she feels lost, she wants
somebody.
And they'll come into your lifeand they'll use you physically,
without a doubt, but becausethey're so slick and they know
(08:47):
what into your life.
And they'll use you physically,without a doubt, but because
they're so slick and they knowwhat they're doing, if you have
any assets like money orproperty, they'll get that from
you slowly, carefully, becausethey're really good at being
predators.
So then, how do you find peaceif your marriage is in trouble?
Then how do you find peace ifyour marriage is in trouble.
(09:10):
Well, one thing I'd recommend isthat you go to the podcast.
It starts with attraction.
It's done by my daughter,kimberly Beam Holmes, and you
can find some things there thatare some exercises to help you
physically.
But you see, physical is notenough just in and of itself.
What really brings peace isfaith.
(09:34):
Now let me explain that beforeyou go on good grief, the guy's
going to get religious on us.
Let's turn this to another video.
Just stay with me a minute, ifyou will.
Now, obviously, because of thefact that I am a Christian, then
I would think faith in myFather, god, that the more faith
in him I have, the more peace Ican have.
I'll come back to that in aminute, because you may not be
religious whatsoever.
So, faith in what else?
(09:55):
Faith in you?
No, not that you're God, don'ttry to replace him with you,
that won't work but faith thatyou are lovely and lovable.
You might be thinking well, drBeam, you've never seen me.
I'm just not that, dr Beam,you've never seen me.
I'm just not that physicallyattractive.
Hey, look at me, I'm not either.
(10:16):
All my life I've been made funof that.
I'm ugly, literally from thetime I was a little boy up until
in my adulthood.
Not too long ago I saw a guy Ihad not seen in probably 20
years and the first words out ofhis mouth you're uglier now
than you've ever been.
A good friend of mine who dieda couple of years ago very close
(10:37):
friend of mine every once in awhile would say well, Joe, I
know, and he would be deadserious.
Joe, I know it's kind of roughto have confidence when you look
like you do, and he was asserious as he could be.
And so you don't have to be themost beautiful person on the
planet, you don't.
You don't have to beclassically handsome or
classically pretty, and somepeople are, and good for them, I
(11:01):
guess, except for the fact thatpeople who are extremely
attractive, both male and female, have to worry about people who
try to make relationships withthem.
Are they after my body?
Are they after just beingfriends?
And just like people who arevery wealthy, people who are
very pretty or handsome have toworry about people who want
(11:22):
relationships with them.
What is it that they reallytruly want?
Look, you are fearfully andwonderfully made.
You're a walking miracle inthat sense.
You have a mind and right nowyou might think, oh, I used to
have a mind, but I don't have itright now.
You do, it's in there.
You have certain skills, youhave certain abilities, you have
(11:45):
certain talents.
What I would recommend right now, if you're going to build some
confidence in yourself, is sitdown with a piece of paper and
be as objective as you can andyou sit down and you write out
things that you know how to dowell, well, like okay, I know
how to teach.
I'm a really good teacher, good.
Or I know how to make friends.
I'm really socially veryfriendly, good.
(12:05):
Or I know how to, whatever itmight have to be, whatever
skills, whatever abilities youhave, whatever skills, whatever
abilities you have, write themdown and look at them.
And then, right over here,other things that you have.
What do you have going for youphysically that maybe other
people don't have?
Even if you're not like anAdonis or a Cinderella, what
else do you have going for youmentally, physically,
intellectually, spiritually,emotionally, all of those kinds
(12:28):
of things.
Write those things down.
Like you know, I have a truerelationship with my God.
Whomever your God may be, I amtruly helpful to other people.
People love being around mebecause I'm so helpful to them.
Write it down.
And when you look at all thosestrengths and attributes, if you
have some good friends who knowhow to be positive, that's them
.
Look, I'm not looking fornegatives.
(12:49):
I know everybody has negatives.
I have enough awareness of myown negatives.
I'm not looking for negatives.
I know everybody has negatives.
I have enough awareness of myown negatives.
I'm asking you tell mepositives you actually honestly
see.
Tell me about them.
What are good things about me?
And you build a littleportfolio of skills and
abilities, all the kinds ofthings, examples of where you've
done good things, et cetera, etcetera.
(13:10):
And you look at those and readthem every day and say I'm not
perfect, but I'm blessed.
I'm not perfect, but I'm good.
I don't have to be handsome, Idon't have to be rich, I don't
have to be the biggest andgreatest singer on the planet, I
don't have to be an author offamous books.
I do good.
(13:32):
You see, if you have confidencein yourself, you'll understand
this.
You have a future, even if yourspouse never comes back.
Now, I know it hurts and I'mnot trying to get you ready to
go without your spouse, buthere's what you need to hear If
you're going to have peace.
You can't think just in termsof what's happening right now.
You've got to think beyond that, outside, and and confidence.
Confidence is extremelyattractive.
(13:54):
Now, again, arrogance is aturnoff, but confidence is
powerful and if you believe inyou, then start believing in the
future.
Yes, I'd love to get mymarriage back.
I'm going to do all the thingsI need to do to make that happen
.
But if God forbid, we can't putthis marriage back together.
I'm the whole package.
(14:15):
Somebody would want to be withme, and whoever wants to be with
me is not going to be concernedabout how thin I am, how wide I
am, how tall I am, how short Iam, whether I can sing like a
nightingale, whether I have anIQ of 150,.
They're going to see theconfidence in me.
They're going to see thereality in me and that's going
(14:37):
to attract me.
A person just the same way, aperson who is confident, who's
not hung up on those things, whoreally understands what a true
relationship is.
Yeah, you see, focusing on thepain you have right now, you
can't have any peace.
But if you can focus on thegood in you and I know it's
there If you can focus on thegood in you and the future you
(15:01):
can have, even if your spousedoesn't come back, and how good
that future will be.
It will be.
And there's a principle thatlike attracts like.
And if you're that confidentnot arrogant, but that confident
believe that much in yourselfnot because you think you're the
one and only, but because ofthe fact that you know you've
(15:21):
got good value You'll attract aperson the same way, not a
predator, not a whiner, not aloser, but somebody with the
same kind of confidence.
It doesn't matter about yoursomatotype, your body type, it
doesn't matter about your IQ.
It matters that you are a wholeperson that has something to
(15:41):
offer and I'll guarantee you youdo.
Please write it down.
So believe in the future.
Faith, faith in yourself, faithin your future.
And if you are a religiousperson, then faith in God.
No, the God I worship is theone whose son is Jesus.
That's the God I worship, andI'm not trying to deny that in
(16:04):
any shape or fashion or form,because I am a very dedicated
Christian.
But in our religious book, whatwe call the Bible, it says that
you can have peace.
That passes understanding,meaning.
It makes no sense to anybodyelse.
How can you have peace in thissituation?
Well, because I also have faithin my father that he hasn't
(16:24):
abandoned me.
Nor will he.
Even when I have screwed uproyally, when I would think even
he can't love me, he does.
So, whether you have doneterrible things where you think
nobody can love you, there arepeople out there who can, who
will be good for you, but it hasto start with you loving
yourself.
Again, my religious book sayswe love others as we love
(16:46):
ourselves.
So you need to love yourselfand faith in your future and, if
you have a relationship withGod, faith in him.
In our workshop we don't talkabout religion, but we do help
you find faith in you and faithin your future.
You see, we have this intensethree-day workshop.
You can go through it onlinewith your spouse.
You can come to MiddleTennessee, just south of
(17:07):
Nashville, and go through it inan in-person version, and we'll
have several couples in therewho are also trying to find if
they want to stay in theirmarriage and, if so, how do you
get past what's happened so far?
We'll have X number of reluctantspouses, which means that these
will be people who will comeinto the in-person workshop but
not to save the marriage.
They came to get a better dealin the divorce or something that
(17:31):
the other person's promised.
We welcome them.
We'll treat them with absoluterespect.
We're happy you're here.
We're not going to twist anyarms.
We're not going to preach atyou for my religion.
We're just going to teach you awhole lot of things and we'll
treat everybody with respectEverybody.
And in that workshop you'll findout a lot about yourself Good
(17:52):
stuff, oh yeah.
You'll recognize some of thethings you've done wrong.
Welcome to the club.
Everybody is there.
We've all messed up, but you'realso going to learn about the
good stuff about yourself andthe good stuff about your future
.
And in that particular workshop, people grow.
It's just three days, butpeople grow tremendously.
(18:14):
And I hope you come.
You say, what if my spouse won'tcome with me?
Then we have solo versions.
We have an online solo versionthat both men and women are in,
and occasionally we have anin-person version here in Middle
Tennessee, just for men, justfor husbands.
We'd love to have you in eitherone of those.
We'd love to have you in eitherone of those, because we don't
want you to be messed up inside.
(18:34):
We want to help you find peace,because that's what you're going
to need if you're going toresolve your issues now and save
this marriage.
It's also what you're going toneed if this marriage God forbid
doesn't work, if you're goingto have the future that you need
.
If you'd like to know moreabout that, please contact us
(18:55):
through the internet.
It's wwwmarriagehelpercom.
That's marriagehelpcom.
You'll talk to one of ourrepresentatives.
It's a free call at this point.
You call and they'll talk toyou for 30, some of them will
even spend more time than 30minutes with you and they'll
listen to your situation andthey'll let you know what we
have to offer and they'll tellyou how we can help because, you
(19:17):
see, we want to please stopliving in misery.
Let us help you find the peaceinside of you, because that
peace gives you strength foreverything you're going to face
for the rest of your life andgive you happiness.
I'm Dr Joe Beam.
I'll see you in the nextepisode of Relationship Radio.
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