The SURPRISE Secret to Rekindling Marriage Passion

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Are you living with your spouse but feel like you're just living with a roommate? Do conversations revolve only around finances, kids, and chores, rather than the fun and passion you once shared? Many couples experience what's called a "companionate relationship," where intimacy and commitment are present, but the crucial elements of passion and eroticism have faded, often leaving one spouse yearning for more oneness and excitement. This often happens when deep security and intimacy lead to a level of predictability that can, over time, "de-eroticize" the relationship.

But there's a powerful secret to reigniting that spark: Planned Surprise.

While intimacy thrives on trust and predictability, allowing you to not worry about what's coming next, eroticism and passion flourish on "something new, something different, something unexpected". Predictability, in fact, kills eroticism.

In this video, we reveal how to bridge this gap and stop feeling like roommates by intentionally adding passion back into your marriage. Drawing on insights from experts like world-renowned sexologist Dr. Barry McCarthy, we explain:

*   Why Predictability Kills Passion: Intimacy provides security, a deep part of closeness where you don't expect surprises. However, eroticism dies when there are no surprises and everything becomes extremely predictable. You could become habituated and de-eroticized unless you're intentional about not doing that.
*   The "Surprise Scenario" Exercise: Discover a practical method from the "Becoming One" workbook where each spouse plans out three unique "surprise scenarios". The key is that they review these scenarios together first to cross out anything that "ain't going to happen" or might cause "sexual inhibition".
*   The Power of Anticipation (Dopamine): Learn how the actual surprise works: your spouse doesn't know *when, where, or how* one of these pre-approved scenarios will unfold, creating a delightful and sustained anticipation. As the source explains, dopamine has more to do with the anticipation than the event itself. This means there could be a "low-level dopamine" thrill throughout the month, which increases if a clue appears.
*   How to Get Started and Keep the Momentum: We discuss how you can gently introduce this concept, even if your spouse is initially hesitant, perhaps by trying a non-offensive surprise without warning them first, much like one husband did by transforming his living room into a "South Pacific" scene to encourage "new anticipatory things". It's crucial for the planned event to actually happen; otherwise, the drop in dopamine and trust can be worse than if they weren't expecting it.

Don't settle for a passionless marriage. It's time to become intentional about rekindling the romance and returning to that "craving for oneness" that defines true passion. Watch now to learn the surprising way to transform your roommate situation back into a vibrant, passionate mar

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If that's you, is theresomething you can do about it?
Let's talk about it onRelationship Radio.
Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam.
This is Kimberly Holmes, ourCEO.
Kimberly, what do you think aperson is describing when they

(00:20):
say I feel like we're justliving as roommates.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
I think there is a couple of things.
First, I feel like we're justliving as roommates.
I think there is a couple ofthings.
First, I believe that when Ithink back to when I was in
college and had a roommateespecially my first roommate was
someone I didn't know and wereally just shared a space
together.
We didn't share a same friendgroup and we just one of us went
, one of us.
You know, each person is justcoming and going.
There's little other parts ofyour life that are intertwined,

(00:45):
that are keeping you together,and so I think that's the
biggest thing that people aretalking about when they say I
feel like I'm just living with aroommate.
But I think the next biggestthing people are talking about
is we share parts of our lifetogether, but it's the things
that aren't fun.
All my spouse wants to talkabout are the finances or the
kids and things that aren't whatI fell in love with my spouse

(01:08):
for.
It's not what I thought mymarriage was going to be like.

Speaker 1 (01:11):
You know we'll talk about this more in other
episodes, of course.
But my friend, dr BarryMcCarthy, who is a
world-renowned sexologist, saidif your spouse ever looks at you
and says I love you but I'm notin love with you, that they
have de-eroticized you.
So I'm wondering if that'ssomething also that's a part of
feeling like roommates.
It's like we are so used toeach other that we don't talk

(01:33):
about things anymore unlessthey're business things like
finances, kids, that kind ofthing and we kind of help out
around the house I bring themoney, you do that, et cetera,
et cetera.
But there really is noeroticism, there's no aspect of
passion.
And so they have intimacy andthey have commitment.
But that's what's called acompanionate relationship, and

(01:55):
companionate relationshipsactually work really well if
both people are happy with it.
But we know that in most cases,people in a companionate
relationship, one of them wantsmore passion.
Now, passion has a sexualdimension, without a doubt.
Therefore I talked abouteroticism.
But passion also has a cravingfor oneness and we know based on

(02:17):
our experience that if we'retalking to a couple and one of
them says I think we're in acompanionate marriage because
they see our chart and know howto figure that out, the one that
wants more passion is typicallythe female, the female.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
Why?
Because she wants, she'syearning for more oneness,
because passion isn't alwayssexual.
It's more of the cuddlingtogether on the couch, maybe
watching a favorite movie, goingto on a surprise trip over the
weekend, like it's.
It's that kind of bonding thatthe wife is typically looking
for more of.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
And so are we saying then that if a couple becomes
really secure in theirrelationship, that they're going
to act more like roommates thanlovers?

Speaker 2 (03:00):
Yeah, no, that's not what we're saying, but that
could be what some people hearInterestingly and I said this
before we said I don't rememberwhere I said this with you, but
there's, there's two mainmarriage gurus other than us, of
course that that speak aboutthis topic, and there's one
person that says the way thatyou keep the marriage alive is

(03:22):
by not having too much intimacyin the sense of friendship.
You keep a little bit ofmystery in order to have more of
the eroticism Whereas the otherperson says that that's
ridiculous.
And if you don't have that deepintimacy and friendship, then
how can you truly have a deeprelationship with the person?

(03:43):
And so part of what comes as abyproduct of the question you
asked, with that deeperfriendship, intimacy,
vulnerability, transparency andopenness, is that you could
become habituated and, over time, de-eroticized, unless you're
intentional about not doing that.

Speaker 1 (04:01):
Yeah, again, quoting my friend Dr Barry McCarthy.
Barry says that intimacyactually puts you in a situation
where you feel secure, wherethat you don't feel any
surprises are coming.
That an intimacy.
Part of our security is thefact that I don't expect to be
surprised.
I know how you think, I knowhow you feel, I know how you

(04:21):
interact with other people, etcetera, et cetera.
And based on thatpredictability, then we have
security, which is a deep partof intimacy.
But then he goes on to point outbut it's just the opposite with
eroticism that once you get tothe point where there are no
surprises, where it is extremelypredictable, then eroticism

(04:41):
dies.
Because he says that eroticismthrives on something new,
something different, somethingunexpected.
And so if a couple then isliving in a relationship where
they feel we're more likeroommates, then would you think
that obviously they have to makesure their intimacy stays deep
openness, transparency,vulnerability to make sure their

(05:02):
intimacy stays deep openness,transparency, vulnerability.
But they would have to planwhen it comes to passion, to put
passion back into the marriage.
And when I say plan, at thesame time you can't plan if the
other person knows what you'replanning, because then that
takes out the surprise, thespontaneity.

(05:22):
So what would be the solution?

Speaker 2 (05:24):
I was going to ask you the same thing.
You just painted the picture oftwo complete opposites.
Where's the middle?

Speaker 1 (05:31):
One of the books I wrote years ago is called
Becoming One, and I wrote aworkbook that goes with it.
Becoming One it's a Bible studybook for those that might be
interested in it, and it talksabout how to become one
emotionally.
It talks about how to becomeone sexually and to become one
spiritually, and in the sexualpart of it there's some
exercises over in the workbookwhere that each spouse plans out

(05:55):
three surprise scenarios and,just to make sure they don't
blow each other's minds, he getsto the point where, once you
have written out your threescenarios, each one looks at the
other and crosses out anythingthat ain't going to happen.
They cross that out.
You say, well, where's thesurprise?
Then the surprise is thatthey're going to take turns.
So this month he is going touse one of his three.

(06:17):
She doesn't know when, shedoesn't know where, she doesn't
know how, she just knows thathe's going to do one of those
three.
Therefore, all month longthere's a susceptibility of
when's this going to happen, alack of predictability.
Next month, her turn.
Next month, his turn.
Next month, her turn.
And so they can actually plan,but then keep it as a surprise

(06:38):
and once they get used to eachother.
So it's like I'm not afraidyou're going to come up with
something that I would not wantto do.
I'm not afraid that you'regoing to want me to make love to
you in the vegetable section atKroger, okay, that kind of
thing.
Then they don't have to sharethem to begin with, they can
just write them out, and stillevery other month.
Now you say, well, wouldn't itbe more effective if it was

(07:01):
every other week?
Well, you can make whatevertime slot you want, but the
advantage of every other monthis this Creativity sometimes
isn't easy Like okay, what elsecan I think of, what else is new
, et cetera.
And unfortunately, many of thebooks that you would buy that
would help you get creativeideas are books that are also
full of morality.

(07:22):
That would be quite a contrastto your morality.
Okay, so what are you thinking?
As you hear me say that, Well,I'm still thinking.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
it sounds like two juxtaposed areas.
You were talking about theintimacy over here, the security
, knowing what they're going todo, but over here, in the
passion part of it, it's aboutthe surprise and the spontaneity
and all of that.
But also what if a couple isvery close intimately?

(07:53):
But this part, what do you callit?
Sexual, not habituation.

Speaker 1 (08:00):
Boredom Nope, not boredom.
Sexual inhibition, inhibition,inhibition, sexual inhibition
Nope, not boredom.
Inhibition, Inhibition, sexualinhibition.
That's why, to begin with, theymight have to share the
episodes and say anything inhere that you can't do, and so
sometimes inhibition will needto be dealt with because of the
fact that it's going to make itwhere there can't be any
spontaneity or surprise.

(08:21):
But think about that.
We really don't want surprisewhen it comes to intimacy.
I want to be able to trust you.
I don't have to worry aboutwhat's going to be coming next,
but you're the one who helped mebegin to understand more about
dopamine.
I thought I knew a lot, but youtaught me more that dopamine
has more to do with theanticipation than the event.
That's right, and therefore, ifI knew that sometime this month

(08:46):
some sexual scenario is going totake place that you have come
up with, that my wife has comeup with.
In that particular situationthere could almost be like a low
level dopamine goes higher.
If it turns out it's nottonight, then I got an dopamine

(09:07):
thrill, which means thatspontaneity, et cetera, even
though the event itself is stilla couple of days off or a week
off or whatever it might be.

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Now the only way that could backfire is if the event
were to not happen at all Say itwas the husband's idea, right,
it was his turn, he didn't do itThen the the depth that the
dopamine would fall and the waythat a person would feel would
be worse than if they weren'texpecting it to begin with.
So they would end up having anegative feeling associated with

(09:39):
that event in that person.
That is correct, but I do thinkit's interesting when we think
about the whole roommates thing.
I wonder if there is a part ofit and this is me just kind of
brain brainstorming at thispoint.
But if the people did, indifferent circumstances, have
such a a loss of a, theyexpected their spouse to do

(10:03):
something and it didn't overtime so much that now they don't
have the anticipation that'saround it because they've just
stopped trusting it or stoppedbelieving it, and that's leading
to part of what the disconnectis in the relationship.

Speaker 1 (10:17):
Which means that they have to keep growing in terms
of intimacy, about openness,transparency, vulnerability.
I don't know that you can evercompletely explore another
person's mind.
Even if we're being as open aswe can, I don't know that I can
ever completely understandanother person or they ever
completely understand me.
I actually would say that,while you may, after a while,

(10:41):
have to be really, reallycreative, now maybe these
scenarios are not once a month,they're once a quarter, because
of the fact you're getting alittle bit older or a lot of
things are going on and tying upyour time and et cetera, et
cetera.
According to Snorri, his bookabout the passionate marriage,
he says that the best sex that'sgoing to happen is going to be
in the 50s and 60s, when you'reage group 50s and 60s, because

(11:03):
people then are less inhibitedand more able to tune into each
other.
I'm saying that if you want tostop feeling like a roommate
right now, then add passion.
But the way to add passion isgoing to also be to add surprise
.
And so you might be thinkingwell, my spouse right now I
don't know that I could buy thatbook and those workbooks off
Amazon or whatever, and that heor she would want to get into

(11:25):
that right away.
I get it.
I understand there may be somework you need to do ahead of
time about that.
I would recommend that if youlook for books, you look for
Barry McCarthy's RekindlingDesire.
Pay attention to that book toget started.
But if my spouse may not wantto participate right now, then
if I came up with something Iknew would not be offensive to

(11:46):
him or her and then tried thatwithout warning them, it could
still be quite an event.
You've heard me tell the storyabout that couple where that he
decided to take off work one dayand he came home and took all
the furniture out of the livingroom, got these palm trees out
of mylar balloons and blew themup, put a little raft in there,

(12:08):
put on some Hawaii music.
He even dressed like a hulagirl and when his wife came home
they made love on the raft inthe middle of the South Pacific.
Of course it was in the livingroom and she thought that was a
lot of fun.
It was hilarious and that wasthe way he introduced her to.
Let's try to do some newanticipatory things.
I would say that's what you'regoing to do.
You're going to live asroommates as long as everything

(12:30):
has no surprise.
But when it comes to intimacyyou don't want to make surprises
.
So, where else would you make itPassion?