March 19, 2025 • 19 mins
Enjoy the episode? Send us a text!
There's a lot of bad marriage advice out there. Control and manipulation tactics. Tracking, spying and hacking your spouses devices. Having an open marriage. Watching pornography together.
We've heard counselors, therapists and other marriage "experts" tell people to do these things because it can lead to the reconciliation of the marriage.
THIS IS HORRIBLE ADVICE.
After decades of working with thousands of couples, we know what works and what does not. We also know the best empirically-based research that has been verified by the worlds leading researchers.
So let's talk about all of these tips and advice that some people have said is a great idea. We want to go ahead and bust ALL of the myths out there that these things can lead to a better marriage.
If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free
📞 BOOK A CALL WITH OUR TEAM: https://marriagehelper.com/call
🔗 Website: https://marriagehelper.com
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marriagehelper
👀 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@marriagehelper
Follow our other channels!
📺 https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
📺 https://youtube.com/@drjoebeam
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
So I was surfing the internet.
Well, this was a couple ofyears ago and I ran across this
ad where a guy said if you justsend me $99, I'm going to send
you back the exact right wordsto say to the person that you
love who has left you.
And when you say these words,what's going to happen is the
following they're going to comeback to you, they're going to
(00:27):
apologize to you for everythingthey've ever done and they want
to make love to you every dayfor the rest of your life.
I'm you better.
I have a PhD earned from a veryprestigious university.
I have worked withrelationships, with thousands
and thousands of couples.
But because this guy was sopersuasive, I thought, heck, I
(00:47):
might spend $99 just to see whathe has to say.
And then my wisdom overcame myidiotic motive of thinking.
Surely surely Because we allknow there's no such thing as a
magic phrase Say that and it'sall going to work better.
But if you start looking aroundthe internet, you'll find that
there's all kinds of advice thatpeople give, not just on the
internet but in these big eventsthey have where you come and
(01:10):
listen to them.
And if you listen to what theytell you to do.
I'll guarantee you right now,based on our knowledge, our
research, our studies and thethousands upon thousands of
couples that we've worked with,that if you follow some of the
principles these people teach,your relationship is done.
Even if, through some of theprocesses they teach you, you
(01:31):
were able to manipulate theperson to come back for a little
while, you can't manipulatethem to stay with you from now
on, and that manipulationactually will make them leave
you faster, longer and neverwant to come back when they
finally realized themanipulation was taking place.
So, kimberly, surely you've runacross these kinds of things as
(01:52):
well, right?
So let's talk about things thatother people teach, that we say
oh no, no, no, no, please don'tdo that.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Oh, yes, bring me my soapbox, I will stand upon it
and share all of my opinionsabout this with the world.
But yes, I mean several ofthese.
One of the ones people probablyhave heard us talk about
several times in the past ifthey've been around Mary Tulper
for a while is this premisecalled no contact, which has
(02:21):
been really hot on YouTube, ofall places.
But it's this thought of ifyour spouse is leaving or gone
and you want them back, then allyou need to do is ignore them,
for everyone varies on how longthey prescribe 1430, 60 days and
they will realize what they aremissing out on and come
(02:43):
crawling back to you.
And then there's other thingsthat they throw under no contact
.
As you're doing no contact, besure that you post pictures of
your best life on social mediaso that they'll see it and that
they will begin to have a fearof missing out because they're
no longer with you.
And it's just manipulationoozing out of every aspect of
(03:05):
what they teach and it'sdespicable, to be completely
honest.
So no contact is one of thosewhich we say.
We know that doesn't work,because it's a manipulative
tactic to bring someone back andthen, as we say, once you get
them back?
What are you going to do tokeep them if you've used
manipulation to bait them?
Speaker 1 (03:22):
By the way, this is Kimberly Holmes, who is our CEO
at Marriage Helper.
I should have introduced herearlier.
I'm Dr Joe Beam with MarriageHelper, kimberly.
Way back in the beginning Ithink I probably phrased it as
no contact, and then we begin torealize what we were saying,
that no, that's not correct.
No contact makes no sensebecause of the fact that if the
(03:43):
person is playing a game withyou where they're doing what we
call a push-pull that we teachabout when we do our workshops
that if a person is trying topush you away because they want
you to come busting back throughthat to prove to them that you
want to be there, no contactwould actually be a brilliant
move, because you now are notplaying their game, which makes
them do something differently.
But the push-pull game thatpeople play always ends up with
(04:07):
a destruction of theirrelationship.
I mean, it may work for two orthree plays, if you will two or
three games, but then it endsand we recommend that you don't
try to save your relationshipthrough a game that you make it
real.
And so we talk about a thingcalled smart contact.
Can you explain that in like aminute or two as to what that
means?
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Right.
That's what we evolved to right, because what we wanted people
to understand was there is apositive way, a research-based
way, to actually communicate ina way with your spouse where
you're not fawning after them,just begging them to stay with
you, contacting them everysingle day which some people
recommend but you're also notcompletely ignoring them, but
(04:48):
you are rebuilding a way to talkto each other that is based in
respect, that is based in havingpositive interactions whenever
you do communicate.
And smart contact teaches you amethod.
It's actually an acronym thatwe talk about.
It teaches you the method ofhow you can do that, because,
(05:09):
even if you just look atattachment theory which I'll
explain how this relates to whatwe're talking about but
everyone really wants to be in asecure-based relationship.
So they want to know that theperson I love is going to be
there for me no matter what.
That doesn't mean they're goingto approve of everything I do
or help me do bad things, butthat they're going to be there
(05:30):
for me.
And when you play these games,you're breaking secure
attachment, you're showingyourself and the other person
that you're not always going tobe there for them, that they
have to live up to some idealyou've put out there in order to
receive love back from you.
So it, at its fundamental core,breaks what could even build a
(05:52):
healthy relationship on top ofit.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Yeah, we know.
There's a guy out there whospends a lot of money
advertising his success onhelping couples and he'll say
you contact him every day, yousend him a note, you send him a
card every single day.
Think about it this way If yourspouse is angry with you and
doesn't want to be with you,either because they want to be
with somebody else or live adifferent lifestyle, or just the
fact that they're not happywith you because of what you've
(06:15):
been doing, and they say justleave me alone, and now, every
day, you're going to contactthem in some fashion, what do
you think that's going to do?
Well, this guy teaches it'sgoing to make them realize how
much you love them and they'llcome back.
Our experience is, when we watchcouples do things like that,
people do things like that withthe person that doesn't want to
be in the marriage anymore is itjust irritates the stew out of
(06:37):
them.
I've asked you to leave mealone and every single day you
bother me.
And so that constant contact.
We say that's not showingrespect to the other person.
And then if they're sayingleave me alone and people say
okay, great, so don't, and nocontact at all means they'll
miss you.
They've already told you theydon't want to talk to you and
(06:59):
now you're fulfilling that.
You think they're sittingaround going.
Wow, I miss them so much, whenthey've already said to you
leave me alone.
And so we teach that middletactic.
The middle tactic is calledsmart contact.
I'm not completely ignoringthem.
I'm not sending them somethingevery day.
There's a way to interact.
Now, we can't explain that allhere, but people can find out
more about that if they go toour website.
(07:20):
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yes, absolutely.
There's a link in the shownotes of where they can go to
learn more about the smartcontact toolkit that we have and
how they can start applyingthat tactic to their marriage,
but going a little bit deeper.
So I touched on this a littleearlier, but I think that's why
people have to add these gameson top of no contact, Because if
(07:42):
your spouse has already askedyou don't contact me, well then
you've got to add some more toit to really up the ante, which
is the posting all of your bestlife things on social media,
Getting mutual friends to go andtell them about things that
you've done in order for them tohear about you and start to
wonder.
Right, All of this is verybackhanded and it feels like
(08:06):
middle school.
To be completely honest, I mayeven be dissing middle schoolers
with that compliment but it'sjust honestly ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
It is ridiculous.
It's trying to manipulate theother person.
To come back to you, andtypically we find that when
people do that kind of game, thestuff they're representing is
not accurate anyway.
It makes it look like I'mhaving a better lifestyle, that
I am living doing more thingsthan I am doing.
And don't you know that if theywere to come back and check you
out again which is highlyunlikely but if they do that,
(08:40):
they're going to say that wasall a facade, it was all fake.
So constant contact?
We say no, we think that's abad idea.
No contact no, we think that'sa bad idea.
Smart contact, which is inbetween those two things.
We think that works well andwe've had hundreds, hundreds of
people, if not thousands, overthe last few years tell us about
(09:02):
how brilliantly that has workedfor them.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
So, what other kind of things are people teaching
out there?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Have you heard the word thruple?
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Thruple yes, how would you spell that word?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
T-H-R-O-U-P-L-E Thruple.
It's couple, but take off the Cand put a three.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Oh good grief.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
This is growing.
It was actually just in a moviethat released in the big screen
I don't even know the name ofit, but it was a whole thing and
there's people out therepromoting this as a lifestyle.
So it's not just an openmarriage, which maybe that's one
We've covered that in aprevious episode but it's not
just having an open relationship.
It is actively having multiplepeople in a relationship.
(09:48):
So consensual, non-monogamousrelationships, take it away.
Sexologist.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
You know, people have asked me sometimes if my spouse
and I both wanted to try it.
Could pornography enhance thesexuality of our sex life?
And the answer is in the shortterm it could, if you both want
it.
People sometimes say if webring another person into our
bed, could that, in the shortterm at least, or could that
enhance the sexuality of amarriage?
In the short term, if you bothwant it, it could.
(10:19):
But both of those reasons arebecause you're doing something
novel, something new, whichmeans that it's going to wear
off really quickly.
And so we know that people, forexample, who regularly use porn
, eventually wind up justwatching weirder and stranger
porn because they're not beingstimulated by what they saw
before, and that people whothink bringing somebody else
(10:40):
into our bed is going to excitethings wind up doing more things
, wind up doing things with morepeople.
And when we have people likethat come into our workshop,
which we do inevitably, one ofthem typically the wife, but at
least one of them comes into theworkshop telling us well, I
finally fell in love with thatother guy and therefore I don't
(11:02):
want to be in this marriageanymore because I want to be
with that other person I've beensleeping with.
Back in the mid-1980s, when Iwas divorced and living a
lifestyle very different thanthe one I live now, I subscribed
to Playboy magazine and Iremember in the Playboy advisor
they were asking about theseopen marriages, multiple
partners, et cetera.
And the Playboy Advisor theywere asking about these open
(11:22):
marriages, multiple partners,etc.
And the Playboy Advisor atleast back then said, yeah,
it'll be fun in the short termbecause you're doing something
new and novel, but it's going todestroy your relationship
Because at some point one of youis going to emotionally connect
with somebody else and thisrelationship is over.
It's really hedonistic.
It's back to the thing wetalked about when we did some
episodes about beliefs andvalues and those kinds of things
(11:44):
.
It's like, okay, making mehappy in the moment is becoming
the most important thing, whicheventually is ultimately
destructive to everyrelationship.
I'm going to do what makes mehappy in the moment ultimately
destroys every relationship,because it's all about me and
it's not about loving or caringabout the other person, even if
I try to put it in words thatmake it appear that I am doing
(12:07):
it for the other person.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
But there are people out there actively teaching men
and I feel like they're nevertrying to teach women how to be
in a relationship with two men,because women are smarter than
that, but it's always trying toteach men how to do this.
It's like it's an ideal forsome men that they've made it,
and maybe that's how, because ofhow it's been portrayed in
(12:32):
pornography and different thingslike that.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
But I can't wrap my head around why any woman would
agree to enter into a thruple ora consensual, non-monogamous
relationship where that he wouldnever get too emotionally
(12:58):
connected to her, where shecould get her quote sexual needs
fulfilled without having tohave an emotional connection.
And therefore it needs to bewith a married man who's in love
with his wife.
And here's how you can find himand here's how you can seduce
him.
So don't think it's all men.
At least at one point it was awebsite for women that did that.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
But she wasn't wanting to become another wife
or to be in a like, but shewasn't wanting to become another
wife or to be in a like, butshe was going to be.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
She wasn't going to be in the bed, she was going to
be the side she wasn't going tobe in the same bed with him at
the same time, that's correct.
I remember a few years ago.
Actually, I can remember wherethe couple's from and remember
what the lady did for a living.
She told me that in an effortto save her marriage, she let
him, the husband, bring hislover into their bed, thinking
it was going to save themarriage.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
And of course Dr Phil wasn't popular back then, so I
didn't say well, how's thatworking out for you?
But I did ask that question,whatever the wording was.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
And she said it was destructive.
Yeah, yeah.
So people teaching that aren'tabout helping you with
relationships, they'rehedonistic.
They're saying here's somethingthat'll make you happy in the
moment and as long as you sendme money for that, I'm happy in
the moment.
And who cares what it does toyour relationship long term?
They don't care.
It goes to something teachingthey know is destructive.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Yeah, that's absolutely right.
But then maybe the last onethat we'll talk about and end on
, especially for the faith-basedcrowd, so going swinging the
pendulum the opposite way, isthe phrase just pray about it.
And how many people on our teamhave said when they went to
their pastor, to their churchleaders, and shared my marriage
(14:31):
is in shambles, this is what'sgoing on.
The pastor didn't know what todo.
In fact, a lot of time wouldsay well, the Bible technically
says that you have an out hereif your spouse has committed an
affair.
So I think this would fallunder things that other people
teach that we know don't work,don't just divorce your spouse
because they've had an affairand you have a quote, unquote
(14:52):
scriptural out to be able to doso.
But then also the phrase justpray about it.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Right.
We believe that any marriagecan be saved and we have seen
that, proven, witnessed thatbeing proven thousands of times
in the last, well, 23 years.
So, yes, we believe that if youcould divorce your spouse if
you wish, but there's also a wayto save it, and that I'm all
for prayer I really am.
(15:19):
But it takes a lot more thanjust praying and typically
whenever we pray, the things wepray about actually requires
actions on our part.
So it's not just okay, god, youtake it all, I'm just going to
sit here and wait.
It's like if you pray which I'mfor it's like okay, what does
that bring about to you?
So, for example, in that modelprayer Jesus said about give us
(15:42):
our daily bread, they didn'tpray that prayer and then think
I'm just going to sit here andthe bread is going to show up in
front of me.
When they prayed that they alsoknew there's some things I have
to do.
I've got to go out there andearn that daily bread.
God be with me, help me do it,but there's some action I should
take.
Worst one I heard Kimberly wasa couple that was trying to
reconcile and they went to seetheir pastor and they called us
(16:04):
and they said, our pastor saidyes, he'd help us reconcile.
Then he gave us theMyers-Johnson.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Myers-Briggs.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Myers-Briggs, that's right.
I'm sorry there's a differentone called Johnson, believe it
or not, not Myers-Johnson, it'ssomething else.
But they took that.
And then he said no, I'm notgoing to help you reconcile this
, as you should have nevergotten together to begin with.
And they called me and theywere saying what do you
recommend?
And I said I recommend you finda pastor who's a Christian.
(16:31):
That's what I would recommend.
Don't listen to just anythingthat's out there.
Use people such as us, who care, who really want to help you
save your marriage, who will notlie to you.
We'll tell you the truth, evenwhen you want to hear a lie, to
help you understand what youhave done and what you need to
(16:53):
change, what you're doing nowand what you need to do in the
future.
But remember, it's going to beyou, so please don't look for
the $99 serve or the person thattells you just go out and do
whatever the heck you want to do.
Those people are not helpingyou.
We would love to help you right,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And the best way that we do that is through our
three-day workshop.
And sometimes people will comeback to us and they'll say, well
, wow, what y'all do isexpensive.
And our response to that islisten compared to the people
who the $99, these six textmessages will get your spouse to
come crawling back to you.
Yeah, you could say that ourshas a lot more that you need to
(17:34):
invest, because we've investedhundreds of thousands of dollars
and a team in research and thethings that we teach, because it
works.
It's all based on social science, research and experience over
23 years, with over 5,000couples that have gone through
just this workshop that we'retalking about.
So it has the success rate toback it up and it's a very
(17:56):
highly involved process that wetake people about.
So it has the success rate toback it up and it's a very
highly involved process that wetake people through.
That requires a lot, of, a lotof finances to make that weekend
work and to make it happen, andso we recommend that you look
more into that, that you go andfind out about our three day
workshop, marriagehelpercomslash workshop.
If you are listening as apodcast, the link is in the show
(18:18):
notes as well as if you'rewatching on YouTube.
You can find it below as well.
But we would love to work withyou and your spouse and help to
disband these negative or poorbeliefs that you might hold,
that you've heard from otherpeople, and teach you the real
things that will work to makeyour marriage stronger than ever
, no matter what has happened.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
We'd love to help.
Let us and of course, we hopeto see you in the next episode
of Relationship Radio.
So I was surfing the internet.
Well, this was a couple ofyears ago and I ran across this
ad where a guy said if you justsend me $99, I'm going to send
you back the exact right wordsto say to the person that you
love who has left you.
And when you say these words,what's going to happen is the
following they're going to comeback to you, they're going to
(00:27):
apologize to you for everythingthey've ever done and they want
to make love to you every dayfor the rest of your life.
I'm you better.
I have a PhD earned from a veryprestigious university.
I have worked withrelationships, with thousands
and thousands of couples.
But because this guy was sopersuasive, I thought, heck, I
(00:47):
might spend $99 just to see whathe has to say.
And then my wisdom overcame myidiotic motive of thinking.
Surely surely Because we allknow there's no such thing as a
magic phrase Say that and it'sall going to work better.
But if you start looking aroundthe internet, you'll find that
there's all kinds of advice thatpeople give, not just on the
internet but in these big eventsthey have where you come and
(01:10):
listen to them.
And if you listen to what theytell you to do.
I'll guarantee you right now,based on our knowledge, our
research, our studies and thethousands upon thousands of
couples that we've worked with,that if you follow some of the
principles these people teach,your relationship is done.
Even if, through some of theprocesses they teach you, you
(01:31):
were able to manipulate theperson to come back for a little
while, you can't manipulatethem to stay with you from now
on, and that manipulationactually will make them leave
you faster, longer and neverwant to come back when they
finally realized themanipulation was taking place.
So, kimberly, surely you've runacross these kinds of things as
(01:52):
well, right?
So let's talk about things thatother people teach, that we say
oh no, no, no, no, please don'tdo that.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Oh, yes, bring me my soapbox, I will stand upon it
and share all of my opinionsabout this with the world.
But yes, I mean several ofthese.
One of the ones people probablyhave heard us talk about
several times in the past ifthey've been around Mary Tulper
for a while is this premisecalled no contact, which has
(02:21):
been really hot on YouTube, ofall places.
But it's this thought of ifyour spouse is leaving or gone
and you want them back, then allyou need to do is ignore them,
for everyone varies on how longthey prescribe 1430, 60 days and
they will realize what they aremissing out on and come
(02:43):
crawling back to you.
And then there's other thingsthat they throw under no contact
.
As you're doing no contact, besure that you post pictures of
your best life on social mediaso that they'll see it and that
they will begin to have a fearof missing out because they're
no longer with you.
And it's just manipulationoozing out of every aspect of
(03:05):
what they teach and it'sdespicable, to be completely
honest.
So no contact is one of thosewhich we say.
We know that doesn't work,because it's a manipulative
tactic to bring someone back andthen, as we say, once you get
them back?
What are you going to do tokeep them if you've used
manipulation to bait them?
Speaker 1 (03:22):
By the way, this is Kimberly Holmes, who is our CEO
at Marriage Helper.
I should have introduced herearlier.
I'm Dr Joe Beam with MarriageHelper, kimberly.
Way back in the beginning Ithink I probably phrased it as
no contact, and then we begin torealize what we were saying,
that no, that's not correct.
No contact makes no sensebecause of the fact that if the
(03:43):
person is playing a game withyou where they're doing what we
call a push-pull that we teachabout when we do our workshops
that if a person is trying topush you away because they want
you to come busting back throughthat to prove to them that you
want to be there, no contactwould actually be a brilliant
move, because you now are notplaying their game, which makes
them do something differently.
But the push-pull game thatpeople play always ends up with
(04:07):
a destruction of theirrelationship.
I mean, it may work for two orthree plays, if you will two or
three games, but then it endsand we recommend that you don't
try to save your relationshipthrough a game that you make it
real.
And so we talk about a thingcalled smart contact.
Can you explain that in like aminute or two as to what that
means?
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Right.
That's what we evolved to right, because what we wanted people
to understand was there is apositive way, a research-based
way, to actually communicate ina way with your spouse where
you're not fawning after them,just begging them to stay with
you, contacting them everysingle day which some people
recommend but you're also notcompletely ignoring them, but
(04:48):
you are rebuilding a way to talkto each other that is based in
respect, that is based in havingpositive interactions whenever
you do communicate.
And smart contact teaches you amethod.
It's actually an acronym thatwe talk about.
It teaches you the method ofhow you can do that, because,
(05:09):
even if you just look atattachment theory which I'll
explain how this relates to whatwe're talking about but
everyone really wants to be in asecure-based relationship.
So they want to know that theperson I love is going to be
there for me no matter what.
That doesn't mean they're goingto approve of everything I do
or help me do bad things, butthat they're going to be there
(05:30):
for me.
And when you play these games,you're breaking secure
attachment, you're showingyourself and the other person
that you're not always going tobe there for them, that they
have to live up to some idealyou've put out there in order to
receive love back from you.
So it, at its fundamental core,breaks what could even build a
(05:52):
healthy relationship on top ofit.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Yeah, we know.
There's a guy out there whospends a lot of money
advertising his success onhelping couples and he'll say
you contact him every day, yousend him a note, you send him a
card every single day.
Think about it this way If yourspouse is angry with you and
doesn't want to be with you,either because they want to be
with somebody else or live adifferent lifestyle, or just the
fact that they're not happywith you because of what you've
(06:15):
been doing, and they say justleave me alone, and now, every
day, you're going to contactthem in some fashion, what do
you think that's going to do?
Well, this guy teaches it'sgoing to make them realize how
much you love them and they'llcome back.
Our experience is, when we watchcouples do things like that,
people do things like that withthe person that doesn't want to
be in the marriage anymore is itjust irritates the stew out of
(06:37):
them.
I've asked you to leave mealone and every single day you
bother me.
And so that constant contact.
We say that's not showingrespect to the other person.
And then if they're sayingleave me alone and people say
okay, great, so don't, and nocontact at all means they'll
miss you.
They've already told you theydon't want to talk to you and
(06:59):
now you're fulfilling that.
You think they're sittingaround going.
Wow, I miss them so much, whenthey've already said to you
leave me alone.
And so we teach that middletactic.
The middle tactic is calledsmart contact.
I'm not completely ignoringthem.
I'm not sending them somethingevery day.
There's a way to interact.
Now, we can't explain that allhere, but people can find out
more about that if they go toour website.
(07:20):
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yes, absolutely.
There's a link in the shownotes of where they can go to
learn more about the smartcontact toolkit that we have and
how they can start applyingthat tactic to their marriage,
but going a little bit deeper.
So I touched on this a littleearlier, but I think that's why
people have to add these gameson top of no contact, Because if
(07:42):
your spouse has already askedyou don't contact me, well then
you've got to add some more toit to really up the ante, which
is the posting all of your bestlife things on social media,
Getting mutual friends to go andtell them about things that
you've done in order for them tohear about you and start to
wonder.
Right, All of this is verybackhanded and it feels like
(08:06):
middle school.
To be completely honest, I mayeven be dissing middle schoolers
with that compliment but it'sjust honestly ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
It is ridiculous.
It's trying to manipulate theother person.
To come back to you, andtypically we find that when
people do that kind of game, thestuff they're representing is
not accurate anyway.
It makes it look like I'mhaving a better lifestyle, that
I am living doing more thingsthan I am doing.
And don't you know that if theywere to come back and check you
out again which is highlyunlikely but if they do that,
(08:40):
they're going to say that wasall a facade, it was all fake.
So constant contact?
We say no, we think that's abad idea.
No contact no, we think that'sa bad idea.
Smart contact, which is inbetween those two things.
We think that works well andwe've had hundreds, hundreds of
people, if not thousands, overthe last few years tell us about
(09:02):
how brilliantly that has workedfor them.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
So, what other kind of things are people teaching
out there?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Have you heard the word thruple?
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Thruple yes, how would you spell that word?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
T-H-R-O-U-P-L-E Thruple.
It's couple, but take off the Cand put a three.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Oh good grief.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
This is growing.
It was actually just in a moviethat released in the big screen
I don't even know the name ofit, but it was a whole thing and
there's people out therepromoting this as a lifestyle.
So it's not just an openmarriage, which maybe that's one
We've covered that in aprevious episode but it's not
just having an open relationship.
It is actively having multiplepeople in a relationship.
(09:48):
So consensual, non-monogamousrelationships, take it away.
Sexologist.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
You know, people have asked me sometimes if my spouse
and I both wanted to try it.
Could pornography enhance thesexuality of our sex life?
And the answer is in the shortterm it could, if you both want
it.
People sometimes say if webring another person into our
bed, could that, in the shortterm at least, or could that
enhance the sexuality of amarriage?
In the short term, if you bothwant it, it could.
(10:19):
But both of those reasons arebecause you're doing something
novel, something new, whichmeans that it's going to wear
off really quickly.
And so we know that people, forexample, who regularly use porn
, eventually wind up justwatching weirder and stranger
porn because they're not beingstimulated by what they saw
before, and that people whothink bringing somebody else
(10:40):
into our bed is going to excitethings wind up doing more things
, wind up doing things with morepeople.
And when we have people likethat come into our workshop,
which we do inevitably, one ofthem typically the wife, but at
least one of them comes into theworkshop telling us well, I
finally fell in love with thatother guy and therefore I don't
(11:02):
want to be in this marriageanymore because I want to be
with that other person I've beensleeping with.
Back in the mid-1980s, when Iwas divorced and living a
lifestyle very different thanthe one I live now, I subscribed
to Playboy magazine and Iremember in the Playboy advisor
they were asking about theseopen marriages, multiple
partners, et cetera.
And the Playboy Advisor theywere asking about these open
(11:22):
marriages, multiple partners,etc.
And the Playboy Advisor atleast back then said, yeah,
it'll be fun in the short termbecause you're doing something
new and novel, but it's going todestroy your relationship
Because at some point one of youis going to emotionally connect
with somebody else and thisrelationship is over.
It's really hedonistic.
It's back to the thing wetalked about when we did some
episodes about beliefs andvalues and those kinds of things
(11:44):
.
It's like, okay, making mehappy in the moment is becoming
the most important thing, whicheventually is ultimately
destructive to everyrelationship.
I'm going to do what makes mehappy in the moment ultimately
destroys every relationship,because it's all about me and
it's not about loving or caringabout the other person, even if
I try to put it in words thatmake it appear that I am doing
(12:07):
it for the other person.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
But there are people out there actively teaching men
and I feel like they're nevertrying to teach women how to be
in a relationship with two men,because women are smarter than
that, but it's always trying toteach men how to do this.
It's like it's an ideal forsome men that they've made it,
and maybe that's how, because ofhow it's been portrayed in
(12:32):
pornography and different thingslike that.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
But I can't wrap my head around why any woman would
agree to enter into a thruple ora consensual, non-monogamous
relationship where that he wouldnever get too emotionally
(12:58):
connected to her, where shecould get her quote sexual needs
fulfilled without having tohave an emotional connection.
And therefore it needs to bewith a married man who's in love
with his wife.
And here's how you can find himand here's how you can seduce
him.
So don't think it's all men.
At least at one point it was awebsite for women that did that.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
But she wasn't wanting to become another wife
or to be in a like, but shewasn't wanting to become another
wife or to be in a like, butshe was going to be.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
She wasn't going to be in the bed, she was going to
be the side she wasn't going tobe in the same bed with him at
the same time, that's correct.
I remember a few years ago.
Actually, I can remember wherethe couple's from and remember
what the lady did for a living.
She told me that in an effortto save her marriage, she let
him, the husband, bring hislover into their bed, thinking
it was going to save themarriage.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
And of course Dr Phil wasn't popular back then, so I
didn't say well, how's thatworking out for you?
But I did ask that question,whatever the wording was.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
And she said it was destructive.
Yeah, yeah.
So people teaching that aren'tabout helping you with
relationships, they'rehedonistic.
They're saying here's somethingthat'll make you happy in the
moment and as long as you sendme money for that, I'm happy in
the moment.
And who cares what it does toyour relationship long term?
They don't care.
It goes to something teachingthey know is destructive.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Yeah, that's absolutely right.
But then maybe the last onethat we'll talk about and end on
, especially for the faith-basedcrowd, so going swinging the
pendulum the opposite way, isthe phrase just pray about it.
And how many people on our teamhave said when they went to
their pastor, to their churchleaders, and shared my marriage
(14:31):
is in shambles, this is what'sgoing on.
The pastor didn't know what todo.
In fact, a lot of time wouldsay well, the Bible technically
says that you have an out hereif your spouse has committed an
affair.
So I think this would fallunder things that other people
teach that we know don't work,don't just divorce your spouse
because they've had an affairand you have a quote, unquote
(14:52):
scriptural out to be able to doso.
But then also the phrase justpray about it.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Right.
We believe that any marriagecan be saved and we have seen
that, proven, witnessed thatbeing proven thousands of times
in the last, well, 23 years.
So, yes, we believe that if youcould divorce your spouse if
you wish, but there's also a wayto save it, and that I'm all
for prayer I really am.
(15:19):
But it takes a lot more thanjust praying and typically
whenever we pray, the things wepray about actually requires
actions on our part.
So it's not just okay, god, youtake it all, I'm just going to
sit here and wait.
It's like if you pray which I'mfor it's like okay, what does
that bring about to you?
So, for example, in that modelprayer Jesus said about give us
(15:42):
our daily bread, they didn'tpray that prayer and then think
I'm just going to sit here andthe bread is going to show up in
front of me.
When they prayed that they alsoknew there's some things I have
to do.
I've got to go out there andearn that daily bread.
God be with me, help me do it,but there's some action I should
take.
Worst one I heard Kimberly wasa couple that was trying to
reconcile and they went to seetheir pastor and they called us
(16:04):
and they said, our pastor saidyes, he'd help us reconcile.
Then he gave us theMyers-Johnson.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Myers-Briggs.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Myers-Briggs, that's right.
I'm sorry there's a differentone called Johnson, believe it
or not, not Myers-Johnson, it'ssomething else.
But they took that.
And then he said no, I'm notgoing to help you reconcile this
, as you should have nevergotten together to begin with.
And they called me and theywere saying what do you
recommend?
And I said I recommend you finda pastor who's a Christian.
(16:31):
That's what I would recommend.
Don't listen to just anythingthat's out there.
Use people such as us, who care, who really want to help you
save your marriage, who will notlie to you.
We'll tell you the truth, evenwhen you want to hear a lie, to
help you understand what youhave done and what you need to
(16:53):
change, what you're doing nowand what you need to do in the
future.
But remember, it's going to beyou, so please don't look for
the $99 serve or the person thattells you just go out and do
whatever the heck you want to do.
Those people are not helpingyou.
We would love to help you right,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And the best way that we do that is through our
three-day workshop.
And sometimes people will comeback to us and they'll say, well
, wow, what y'all do isexpensive.
And our response to that islisten compared to the people
who the $99, these six textmessages will get your spouse to
come crawling back to you.
Yeah, you could say that ourshas a lot more that you need to
(17:34):
invest, because we've investedhundreds of thousands of dollars
and a team in research and thethings that we teach, because it
works.
It's all based on social science, research and experience over
23 years, with over 5,000couples that have gone through
just this workshop that we'retalking about.
So it has the success rate toback it up and it's a very
(17:56):
highly involved process that wetake people about.
So it has the success rate toback it up and it's a very
highly involved process that wetake people through.
That requires a lot, of, a lotof finances to make that weekend
work and to make it happen, andso we recommend that you look
more into that, that you go andfind out about our three day
workshop, marriagehelpercomslash workshop.
If you are listening as apodcast, the link is in the show
(18:18):
notes as well as if you'rewatching on YouTube.
You can find it below as well.
But we would love to work withyou and your spouse and help to
disband these negative or poorbeliefs that you might hold,
that you've heard from otherpeople, and teach you the real
things that will work to makeyour marriage stronger than ever
, no matter what has happened.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
We'd love to help.
Let us and of course, we hopeto see you in the next episode
of Relationship Radio.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.