February 5, 2025 • 22 mins
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What happens when you discover your spouse is in love with someone else? Dr. Joe Beam tackles this heart-wrenching scenario on Relationship Radio by guiding listeners through the emotional labyrinth that ensues. From the initial shock and pain to grappling with a crushed ego and questioning one's reality, Dr. Beam offers a path forward by encouraging acceptance—not to be confused with agreement—of your partner's feelings. This acceptance fosters understanding and communication, which can ultimately pave the way for healing and potentially restore the relationship.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It really hurts when you find out that your spouse is
in love with someone else.
I mean, your ego is crushed,your heart is broken, everything
within you screams with pain.
I love you and at one point Itruly believe that you love me.
You told me that you love me.
(00:20):
You maybe even made me apromise somewhere along the line
that we will never part, thatyou'd always be here for me.
And yet now I discover thatyou're with somebody else.
And even the way you discoverit can cause the pain, actually
the least painful way, by theway, don't think that means
there's no pain.
There's still a lot of pain.
But the least painful way iswhen they come and tell you look
(00:43):
, I know that you expected me tobe with you for the rest of
your life, but I need to tellyou that I'm in love with blank
Maybe it's Charlie, maybe it'sCharlene but I'm in love with
somebody else and I'm going togo be with him or her, and
that'll break your heart and ithurts terribly, but at least
it's not the same level of painas if you find out some other
(01:06):
way, like you happen upon a notethat was supposed to have been
discarded but it wasn't, or youhappen to a right place and you
see them together, or you seesomething online, or maybe your
child comes and says, mom or Dad, I saw my other parent.
All those things hurt even morebecause you find out
second-handed.
And then, when you firstapproach them and you first say,
(01:29):
tell me the truth, are youinvolved?
They may even lie.
No, no, no, that's amisunderstanding, I'm definitely
not involved.
And sometimes they'll even doeverything they can to convince
you that you are the one withthe problem.
That person is just my friend.
How can you think this way?
What's wrong with you?
And they'll keep that until youbegin to doubt your own sanity.
Like am I imagining things?
(01:50):
Is this possibly just an honest, innocent kind of thing?
Is it just me?
And sometimes they'll tell youthe truth.
It hurts even more if they liefor a while before they tell you
the truth, until finally youhave so much evidence that you
just confront them and say look,I know, I mean, I've got the
documentation right here.
(02:11):
I know At least fess up.
And in the worst cases theystill won't tell the truth.
They'll blame you.
What are you doing?
Snooping around trying to findout things about me?
And they'll scream and yell atyou, accuse you of all kinds of
things, and then they'll walkout the door and you still find
yourself with that little ounceof doubt.
Could I be wrong?
(02:31):
I mean, I have everything hereI need, but could I possibly be
wrong?
It's a sad situation.
So at least when they tell youthe truth, even though it hurts,
like all get out, it's betterthan when they lie.
Now I'm Dr Joe Beam.
Welcome to Relationship Radio.
(02:52):
What do you do when you knowfor sure that your spouse is in
love At least that's how they'redescribing it.
I'm in love with someone elseDo you tell them that they're
not in love with the otherperson?
I won't get you anywhere.
You see, we teach that one ofthe most powerful pulls that we
define a pull as being somethingthat evokes positive emotions
(03:14):
in the other person andtherefore pulls, pull the other
person toward you.
One of the most powerful pullsknown to human beings is when a
person feels accepted.
Now let me explain.
I don't mean endorse, I don'tmean encourage.
So, for example, if Alice cameto me and she said Alice is my
wife, by the way.
If she came to me and said, joe, I'm in love with Charlie, that
(03:36):
would kill me, it would hurt.
But if I said to her you're notin love with Charlie, you just
think you're in love withCharlie, then she's going to
dismiss me, like you're notlistening, you're not trying to
understand me, you don't care,and she will see that as just
that much more proof that I'mnot attuned to her, that I don't
really care about her, that I'mtrying to force my will on her,
(03:58):
and she'll walk away thinkinggood riddance, because this man
doesn't really even try tounderstand me.
So I'm not going to try toconvince her that she's not in
love with Charlie, nor am Igoing to attack her and think
that by making her feel guiltyshe'll stop.
Now you might be saying well,wait a minute.
Couldn't guilt possibly stopsome people?
Sure, if they're not very muchinto the relationship with the
(04:21):
other person, not very far intothat relationship with the other
person, then guilt might beable to stop them.
Like think about your children,think about your God, think
about your reputation.
Those kinds of things couldwork if they're not intensely
involved with the other personyet.
But if they are, those thingsdon't work.
What they do is they just you,by doing that, will just push
(04:43):
them further and further andfurther away.
So you say okay, dr Bean, whatwould you do if Alice came in
and said she was in love withCharlie?
I would say I understand that'show you feel and if that's what
you feel, I accept it.
That's what you feel today.
Now, I wouldn't endorse it.
You see what would endorse himbeing like you know what
(05:06):
Charlie's?
A heck of a guy.
I don't blame you.
I'm not going to do that.
That would be endorsing herrelationship with him and I'm
certainly not going to encourageit.
Like you know, you guysprobably need to take the guest
bedroom and live together forabout a month and see if you're
really compatible with eachother.
I'm not going to do that, I'mnot going to endorse it, I'm not
going to encourage it, but thenyou're going to accept it.
That's what you feel.
(05:26):
That's what you feel because bydenying it, by rejecting it,
all I do is push her furtheraway.
You see, I call acceptance,acknowledging reality, and
understand that reality canchange, that if she's in love
with Charlie today doesn't meanshe's going to be in love with
Charlie a year from now.
It can change, but I'm going toaccept reality as it is right
(05:49):
now If she feels she's in lovewith Charlie, I'm going to
accept that she is, withoutendorsing it, without
encouraging it.
I can still tell her honestlyand openly things like that
breaks my heart, because I'm nottrying to make her feel guilty,
I'm just telling her what Ifeel.
If I say you're breaking myheart, then that's an attack
(06:10):
which is probably going to pushthem away.
But if I say that hurts me sobadly, it's breaking my heart
because I love you so much.
And if you decide to do that,okay, but don't overdo it,
because if it turns into whiningand complaining and those kinds
of things, it just pushes theother person further away,
Because typically at this pointthey're not trying to hurt you.
(06:32):
Later they may be trying toemotionally hurt you, to make
you leave, to make you divorcethem, which will make things
easier for them to do what theywant to do.
But at the outset, typicallythey're not there yet.
Typically they're not there yet, and so they're not trying to
kill you, they're not trying todestroy your life, they're not
trying to make it where that youwill never be happy again.
(06:53):
Typically they're not thinkingabout you, they're thinking
about that other person thatthey're in love with, and so you
can say they're thinking aboutthat other person that they're
in love with.
And so you can say this breaksmy heart, I want to deliver my
life with you.
But once you have communicatedthat, stop, don't go further, or
else you're going to startmaking them feel guilty, or at
(07:14):
least trying to make them feelguilty, and that's going to push
them away even faster.
So don't do that.
Push them away even faster.
So don't do that.
Now do you understand thedifference, then, between
accepting and endorsing andencouraging?
Accepting is just acknowledgingreality.
Now that actually becomes apull in the sense of, well, good
(07:39):
grief, I thought you were goingto yell and scream and demand
that you go see a lawyer and etcetera, et cetera, but instead
you're really trying tounderstand me.
Yes, I'm really trying tounderstand you.
Now, hopefully, that keeps thedoor open for further
communication.
Now you say, okay, well, besidesthat, what else do I do?
Well, don't tolerate behaviorthat is specifically harmful or
(08:03):
hurtful to you.
For example, if he said, well,can I just live in the guest
bedroom for a while, you maydecide okay, that way we still
have contact, we can still talkto each other.
But if he's still living in thehouse with you or she is still
living in the house with you,but they're sitting in the
living room while you'rewatching television and they're
talking to their lover on thephone and you can hear the
(08:25):
endearments, and those kinds ofthings.
Don't tolerate.
That would be my suggestion.
Now, obviously, you decide whatyou want to do, but if you
tolerate that, then you'rebasically endorsing, even
encouraging.
And so if it were I and thenAlice were talking to Charlie on
the phone and I was presentnearby, I'd say please respect
me, don't talk to him whenyou're here at the house.
(08:50):
Please go outside, go down tothe sandwich shop, get you some
coffee, but please don't do thathere, because that disrespects
me.
And you say well, what if DrBean, the spouse, continued to
do that?
Then I'd say we're going tohave to change our living
arrangement because this hurtsme very deeply.
I'm not going to make an attacklike you ought to have enough
(09:12):
sense not to do this.
You're just trying to kill me,right?
You're trying to break my heart.
I'm not going to make an attack, I'm going to be strong and I'm
going to say I can't accept youdoing that here.
Now go wherever else you want to, but you can't do that here,
and so you set some boundaries,you set some rules, and if you
ever come to one of ourworkshops, for example, you will
(09:33):
actually get access to sometoolkits, and one of our
toolkits is about how to setthose boundaries, and it guides
you through, step by step, bystep by step, how to set those
boundaries as to what you acceptand you don't accept.
So what I'm saying so far isthat you can still have
interaction and communicationwith your spouse, even if he or
she is still in love withsomebody else.
(09:53):
But you still demand respect,not angrily, not meanly, but you
do it firmly, calmly, withconfidence and strength.
Now you say, well, shouldn't Itry to be doing something to
disrupt or distort thatrelationship with the other
person?
No, because if you do, it'sgoing to backfire on you.
(10:17):
Sometimes people say, well, I'mgoing to call her and tell her
off, and tell her to leave myman alone.
Then I'm going to call herhusband and tell him what's
going on.
And well, if that's what youchoose to do, you can do it.
You obviously make your ownchoices about what you do in
life, but I'm going to tell youright now that the odds are
significantly high, you're goingto blow it.
You see, if you attack theperson that your spouse believes
(10:40):
he or she is in love with rightnow, if you attack that person,
they're going to defend thatperson.
And when they defend thatperson, that usually means
they're going to attack you Now,hopefully not physically,
although sometimes that happensbut they will attack you
verbally, they will attack youemotionally, spiritually, every
other way they possibly can, andyou gain nothing by attacking
that other person because youcan't control what he or she
(11:05):
does.
And the more you try to controlwhat he or she does, the worse
it's going to get.
Now you might be thinking well,dr Beam, is it possible that I
could go calmly sit down andtalk to that person and maybe
she would see the error of herways and she would stop?
Is that possible?
When people ask me ifsomething's possible, my
standard answer is anything'spossible, but we work off what
(11:28):
we see happen.
Most often.
Very rarely has a calmconversation with the other
person worked in getting him orher to leave your spouse alone.
Very rarely to leave yourspouse alone Very rarely.
I do know one situation where afellow who's very big, very
strong, trained in martial arts,a true warrior, went to the
(11:48):
other guy and said, if you callmy wife again, I'm going to do
you damage.
Well, because he was afraid ofthe big husband, who's very
strong, very powerful man.
Then the guy didn't contact thewife again.
You say, then that was the endof everything.
No, no, you see, it stilldidn't contact the wife again.
You say, oh good, then that wasthe end of everything.
No, no, you see, it stilldoesn't affect the spouse's
heart.
So even if you try to dosomething to get rid of that
(12:09):
other person, it doesn't changewhat your spouse may feel,
except in this way it may causethem to resent you more.
How dare you do that to me?
You had no right.
And so even if you could dosomething to get the other
person to leave, you're justgoing to cause more resentment
in your spouse, which is notgoing to be good for putting you
(12:30):
guys back together.
You say well, what if I talk tothe other person's spouse?
Same kind of things?
Now sometimes people will sayto me well, what if the other
spouse calls me?
I would suggest that you listen, but that you don't participate
past that, because if yourspouse feels that you're
colluding with the otherperson's spouse, things get bad
(12:50):
in a hurry.
It kind of creates a me and mylover against the world scenario
.
So even our two spouses arecolluding against us and trying
to cause us difficulty, and sowe just have to stick together
even closer because nobodyunderstands and it's just us
against the world.
And so, while I would recommendthat you listen, you very
(13:11):
quickly say thank you forcalling, please don't call
anymore.
I'm going to do everything Ican to work things out with my
spouse.
Now what you do then is that youdon't focus on the person that
they feel that they're in lovewith.
What you do is you focus on you.
You might be saying oh goodgrief, dr Beam, I've heard you
guys say this on video aftervideo after video.
(13:31):
Good, I'm glad you have,because it's the truth.
By focusing on you and I don'thave time to explain in great
detail because we have so manyother videos that talk about it
you're going to stop doing thethings that push your spouse
away, including the things youmay have started doing since you
found out about the affair.
Stop the things that arepushing your spouse away and
(13:56):
start doing the things thatcreate pulls, that can pull your
spouse back toward you, becauseyou understand this.
Whatever pulls are happeningthat are leading your spouse to
want to be with that otherperson, whatever those pulls
might be, there are also goingto be some pushes in that
situation.
You see, whoever your spouse isinvolved with is not perfect.
(14:16):
They're not perfect andeventually they're going to see
the flaws in the other personEventually.
Now, if you treat them terribly, trying to beat them up
verbally, maybe, threateningphysically, trying to get them
fired by their boss, if you doall those things, creating all
these negative things betweenyour spouse and you, then even
(14:36):
when they see the flaws in theother person, they're going to
see that person's flaws assmaller than the flaws that
you're exhibiting.
What you want to do is to makesure that when they see their
flaws, they don't look at youand think your flaws are worse
and therefore you're going to dothe best you can to eliminate
the things that you do that arepushing your spouse away.
(14:58):
You say then I'm going tobecome a doormat.
No, no, don't become a doormat.
You always make sure thatyou're treated with respect and
if your spouse refuses to do so,you take steps to make that
happen.
And again, if you come to oneof our workshops, we'll make it
available for you to be in ourfull, total membership, and
there's a toolkit in there thattells you exactly how to set
(15:20):
those boundaries.
So have you figured it out sofar?
Don't panic, it's almostimpossible, right?
But don't panic if your spousetells you or if you find out
your spouse is in love withsomebody else.
We deal with those scenariosevery day.
For 30 years we have dealt withthose scenarios every day.
(15:46):
I'm telling you that they maydivorce you, they may marry that
other person, but the oddsagainst that are extremely high.
The odds are that before yourspouse ever gets to the point of
wanting to marry the otherperson or deciding to marry the
other person, that relationshipis going to fall apart.
Before they get that far Nowit's going to be tight and close
(16:06):
and so wonderful for a periodof time, but eventually they're
going to get to that situationwhere that thing is going to
begin to fall apart.
And that's why the vastmajority of people who leave
their spouse or a lover neverwind up marrying that lover
Never.
And the ones that do marry thatlover, the divorce rate's over
(16:29):
80%.
You see, the odds are actuallyin your favor if you want your
spouse back, you can alwaysdivorce them.
It's your right.
I mean, they've cheated on youand you want to start over with
someone new, you can do that ifyou wish.
But if you believe that yourspouse is a good person doing a
bad thing but that that goodperson is still in there, we can
(16:54):
help you.
We'll do everything we can tohelp you rescue this marriage.
But you can't do it just bywishing.
You need to do something.
Be careful who you listen to.
Oh, there are so many peoplegiving so much bad advice.
You say well, dr Bean, maybeyou're giving bad advice.
If you decide that, then Isuggest you do not seek further
(17:16):
help from us.
Don't seek help from anybodywho's giving you advice that's
causing you difficulty or makingthings worse.
But if you believe that wewe've been around 30 years doing
this, that our hearts are good,that we genuinely, honestly,
really do care, then let us helpyou.
We've helped so many thousandsof couples and we want to help
(17:38):
you Now.
I'm not going to be like thosecharlatans and frauds and tell
you that we'll guarantee youthat you will save your marriage
if you deal with us.
I'm not going to lie to you,I'm going to say the odds are
good in your favor.
A recent study that was justdone by a PhD on people who have
been through our program foundthat a year later, 70% of them
(18:00):
were still together.
That's much higher than peoplewho go to marriage counseling.
By the way, 70% of them arestill together a year later.
We want to help you, like that.
You say okay.
Well, dr Bean, how can I findout more?
Okay, what you do is you go tothe internet and type in
marriagehelper that'smarriagehelpercom, and then
(18:22):
slash call Marriagehelper,marriagehelpercom.
Then call They'll listen.
You'll get about, oh, I guess Ithink 30 to 40 minutes in a
phone call, something like that,and they'll listen.
There's no charge for the call.
They'll listen and they'll hearwhat you have to say.
Charge for the call, they'lllisten and they'll hear what you
have to say, and then they willguide you to whatever we have.
That, we believe, is the bestto help you accomplish what you
(18:44):
want to accomplish, and theywill be open and honest.
And, yes, will they offer toyou coming to our workshop?
They definitely will.
Our workshop does a dramaticamount of good.
We have workshops for couples.
If your spouse will come withyou.
That's the best.
We hope he or she does.
We'd love to have you there.
Those things are absolutelyamazing, awesome.
And if he or she won't comewith you, we have another
(19:07):
version of the workshop that'sjust for solo spouses, and we do
some of those online and thereare both men and women in it,
and we do some of those inperson here in Middle Tennessee,
and when people come to thatit's only men.
We don't put a bunch of men andwomen who are in pain and
hurting in the same room forthree days.
We don't think that's wise.
But we do have solo workshopsjust for husbands, three days.
(19:32):
I love doing that workshop.
The men who come to thoseworkshops love that workshop.
And so if you're a husbandwho's listening, come join us
for that.
Or if you're a wife who'slistening, saying maybe my
husband wouldn't come to thecouples workshop but he would
come to that solo men's workshop, good, send him.
It's a tremendous workshop,very powerful.
(19:53):
You say what are you guys doing?
These workshops?
We teach.
We don't twist your arms.
We don't do counseling ortherapy.
We don't get you to tell allthe terrible things that have
happened in your marriage.
We don't get you to beat upyour spouse verbally by saying
let me tell you what that bumdid or what that woman did.
As a matter of fact, we won'tlet you say anything negative
(20:14):
about your spouse in ourworkshop, really, because we're
not doing counseling, we're notdoing therapy.
It's an educational approach andin that educational approach
you learn a lot about yourself,you learn a lot about your
spouse and you learn a lot aboutlife, even about marriage, and
that's why it has such atremendous success rate.
(20:35):
We treat everybody withabsolute respect and dignity,
even the ones who walk in thedoor saying I'm madly in love
with somebody else.
Get these three days over so Ican divorce my wife or husband
and go be with that person.
We treat that person withrespect as well, and in those
three days, amazing things occur.
Now we hope you come, at leastfind out about it.
(20:58):
I mean, you can do that right.
So go online right now,marriagehelpercom, and talk to
one of our representatives whocan help you think this through.
We want to help.
Please let us.
I'll see you in the nextepisode of Relationship Radio.
It really hurts when you find out that your spouse is
in love with someone else.
I mean, your ego is crushed,your heart is broken, everything
within you screams with pain.
I love you and at one point Itruly believe that you love me.
You told me that you love me.
(00:20):
You maybe even made me apromise somewhere along the line
that we will never part, thatyou'd always be here for me.
And yet now I discover thatyou're with somebody else.
And even the way you discoverit can cause the pain, actually
the least painful way, by theway, don't think that means
there's no pain.
There's still a lot of pain.
But the least painful way iswhen they come and tell you look
(00:43):
, I know that you expected me tobe with you for the rest of
your life, but I need to tellyou that I'm in love with blank
Maybe it's Charlie, maybe it'sCharlene but I'm in love with
somebody else and I'm going togo be with him or her, and
that'll break your heart and ithurts terribly, but at least
it's not the same level of painas if you find out some other
(01:06):
way, like you happen upon a notethat was supposed to have been
discarded but it wasn't, or youhappen to a right place and you
see them together, or you seesomething online, or maybe your
child comes and says, mom or Dad, I saw my other parent.
All those things hurt even morebecause you find out
second-handed.
And then, when you firstapproach them and you first say,
(01:29):
tell me the truth, are youinvolved?
They may even lie.
No, no, no, that's amisunderstanding, I'm definitely
not involved.
And sometimes they'll even doeverything they can to convince
you that you are the one withthe problem.
That person is just my friend.
How can you think this way?
What's wrong with you?
And they'll keep that until youbegin to doubt your own sanity.
Like am I imagining things?
(01:50):
Is this possibly just an honest, innocent kind of thing?
Is it just me?
And sometimes they'll tell youthe truth.
It hurts even more if they liefor a while before they tell you
the truth, until finally youhave so much evidence that you
just confront them and say look,I know, I mean, I've got the
documentation right here.
(02:11):
I know At least fess up.
And in the worst cases theystill won't tell the truth.
They'll blame you.
What are you doing?
Snooping around trying to findout things about me?
And they'll scream and yell atyou, accuse you of all kinds of
things, and then they'll walkout the door and you still find
yourself with that little ounceof doubt.
Could I be wrong?
(02:31):
I mean, I have everything hereI need, but could I possibly be
wrong?
It's a sad situation.
So at least when they tell youthe truth, even though it hurts,
like all get out, it's betterthan when they lie.
Now I'm Dr Joe Beam.
Welcome to Relationship Radio.
(02:52):
What do you do when you knowfor sure that your spouse is in
love At least that's how they'redescribing it.
I'm in love with someone elseDo you tell them that they're
not in love with the otherperson?
I won't get you anywhere.
You see, we teach that one ofthe most powerful pulls that we
define a pull as being somethingthat evokes positive emotions
(03:14):
in the other person andtherefore pulls, pull the other
person toward you.
One of the most powerful pullsknown to human beings is when a
person feels accepted.
Now let me explain.
I don't mean endorse, I don'tmean encourage.
So, for example, if Alice cameto me and she said Alice is my
wife, by the way.
If she came to me and said, joe, I'm in love with Charlie, that
(03:36):
would kill me, it would hurt.
But if I said to her you're notin love with Charlie, you just
think you're in love withCharlie, then she's going to
dismiss me, like you're notlistening, you're not trying to
understand me, you don't care,and she will see that as just
that much more proof that I'mnot attuned to her, that I don't
really care about her, that I'mtrying to force my will on her,
(03:58):
and she'll walk away thinkinggood riddance, because this man
doesn't really even try tounderstand me.
So I'm not going to try toconvince her that she's not in
love with Charlie, nor am Igoing to attack her and think
that by making her feel guiltyshe'll stop.
Now you might be saying well,wait a minute.
Couldn't guilt possibly stopsome people?
Sure, if they're not very muchinto the relationship with the
(04:21):
other person, not very far intothat relationship with the other
person, then guilt might beable to stop them.
Like think about your children,think about your God, think
about your reputation.
Those kinds of things couldwork if they're not intensely
involved with the other personyet.
But if they are, those thingsdon't work.
What they do is they just you,by doing that, will just push
(04:43):
them further and further andfurther away.
So you say okay, dr Bean, whatwould you do if Alice came in
and said she was in love withCharlie?
I would say I understand that'show you feel and if that's what
you feel, I accept it.
That's what you feel today.
Now, I wouldn't endorse it.
You see what would endorse himbeing like you know what
(05:06):
Charlie's?
A heck of a guy.
I don't blame you.
I'm not going to do that.
That would be endorsing herrelationship with him and I'm
certainly not going to encourageit.
Like you know, you guysprobably need to take the guest
bedroom and live together forabout a month and see if you're
really compatible with eachother.
I'm not going to do that, I'mnot going to endorse it, I'm not
going to encourage it, but thenyou're going to accept it.
That's what you feel.
(05:26):
That's what you feel because bydenying it, by rejecting it,
all I do is push her furtheraway.
You see, I call acceptance,acknowledging reality, and
understand that reality canchange, that if she's in love
with Charlie today doesn't meanshe's going to be in love with
Charlie a year from now.
It can change, but I'm going toaccept reality as it is right
(05:49):
now If she feels she's in lovewith Charlie, I'm going to
accept that she is, withoutendorsing it, without
encouraging it.
I can still tell her honestlyand openly things like that
breaks my heart, because I'm nottrying to make her feel guilty,
I'm just telling her what Ifeel.
If I say you're breaking myheart, then that's an attack
(06:10):
which is probably going to pushthem away.
But if I say that hurts me sobadly, it's breaking my heart
because I love you so much.
And if you decide to do that,okay, but don't overdo it,
because if it turns into whiningand complaining and those kinds
of things, it just pushes theother person further away,
Because typically at this pointthey're not trying to hurt you.
(06:32):
Later they may be trying toemotionally hurt you, to make
you leave, to make you divorcethem, which will make things
easier for them to do what theywant to do.
But at the outset, typicallythey're not there yet.
Typically they're not there yet, and so they're not trying to
kill you, they're not trying todestroy your life, they're not
trying to make it where that youwill never be happy again.
(06:53):
Typically they're not thinkingabout you, they're thinking
about that other person thatthey're in love with, and so you
can say they're thinking aboutthat other person that they're
in love with.
And so you can say this breaksmy heart, I want to deliver my
life with you.
But once you have communicatedthat, stop, don't go further, or
else you're going to startmaking them feel guilty, or at
(07:14):
least trying to make them feelguilty, and that's going to push
them away even faster.
So don't do that.
Push them away even faster.
So don't do that.
Now do you understand thedifference, then, between
accepting and endorsing andencouraging?
Accepting is just acknowledgingreality.
Now that actually becomes apull in the sense of, well, good
(07:39):
grief, I thought you were goingto yell and scream and demand
that you go see a lawyer and etcetera, et cetera, but instead
you're really trying tounderstand me.
Yes, I'm really trying tounderstand you.
Now, hopefully, that keeps thedoor open for further
communication.
Now you say, okay, well, besidesthat, what else do I do?
Well, don't tolerate behaviorthat is specifically harmful or
(08:03):
hurtful to you.
For example, if he said, well,can I just live in the guest
bedroom for a while, you maydecide okay, that way we still
have contact, we can still talkto each other.
But if he's still living in thehouse with you or she is still
living in the house with you,but they're sitting in the
living room while you'rewatching television and they're
talking to their lover on thephone and you can hear the
(08:25):
endearments, and those kinds ofthings.
Don't tolerate.
That would be my suggestion.
Now, obviously, you decide whatyou want to do, but if you
tolerate that, then you'rebasically endorsing, even
encouraging.
And so if it were I and thenAlice were talking to Charlie on
the phone and I was presentnearby, I'd say please respect
me, don't talk to him whenyou're here at the house.
(08:50):
Please go outside, go down tothe sandwich shop, get you some
coffee, but please don't do thathere, because that disrespects
me.
And you say well, what if DrBean, the spouse, continued to
do that?
Then I'd say we're going tohave to change our living
arrangement because this hurtsme very deeply.
I'm not going to make an attacklike you ought to have enough
(09:12):
sense not to do this.
You're just trying to kill me,right?
You're trying to break my heart.
I'm not going to make an attack, I'm going to be strong and I'm
going to say I can't accept youdoing that here.
Now go wherever else you want to, but you can't do that here,
and so you set some boundaries,you set some rules, and if you
ever come to one of ourworkshops, for example, you will
(09:33):
actually get access to sometoolkits, and one of our
toolkits is about how to setthose boundaries, and it guides
you through, step by step, bystep by step, how to set those
boundaries as to what you acceptand you don't accept.
So what I'm saying so far isthat you can still have
interaction and communicationwith your spouse, even if he or
she is still in love withsomebody else.
(09:53):
But you still demand respect,not angrily, not meanly, but you
do it firmly, calmly, withconfidence and strength.
Now you say, well, shouldn't Itry to be doing something to
disrupt or distort thatrelationship with the other
person?
No, because if you do, it'sgoing to backfire on you.
(10:17):
Sometimes people say, well, I'mgoing to call her and tell her
off, and tell her to leave myman alone.
Then I'm going to call herhusband and tell him what's
going on.
And well, if that's what youchoose to do, you can do it.
You obviously make your ownchoices about what you do in
life, but I'm going to tell youright now that the odds are
significantly high, you're goingto blow it.
You see, if you attack theperson that your spouse believes
(10:40):
he or she is in love with rightnow, if you attack that person,
they're going to defend thatperson.
And when they defend thatperson, that usually means
they're going to attack you Now,hopefully not physically,
although sometimes that happensbut they will attack you
verbally, they will attack youemotionally, spiritually, every
other way they possibly can, andyou gain nothing by attacking
that other person because youcan't control what he or she
(11:05):
does.
And the more you try to controlwhat he or she does, the worse
it's going to get.
Now you might be thinking well,dr Beam, is it possible that I
could go calmly sit down andtalk to that person and maybe
she would see the error of herways and she would stop?
Is that possible?
When people ask me ifsomething's possible, my
standard answer is anything'spossible, but we work off what
(11:28):
we see happen.
Most often.
Very rarely has a calmconversation with the other
person worked in getting him orher to leave your spouse alone.
Very rarely to leave yourspouse alone Very rarely.
I do know one situation where afellow who's very big, very
strong, trained in martial arts,a true warrior, went to the
(11:48):
other guy and said, if you callmy wife again, I'm going to do
you damage.
Well, because he was afraid ofthe big husband, who's very
strong, very powerful man.
Then the guy didn't contact thewife again.
You say, then that was the endof everything.
No, no, you see, it stilldidn't contact the wife again.
You say, oh good, then that wasthe end of everything.
No, no, you see, it stilldoesn't affect the spouse's
heart.
So even if you try to dosomething to get rid of that
(12:09):
other person, it doesn't changewhat your spouse may feel,
except in this way it may causethem to resent you more.
How dare you do that to me?
You had no right.
And so even if you could dosomething to get the other
person to leave, you're justgoing to cause more resentment
in your spouse, which is notgoing to be good for putting you
(12:30):
guys back together.
You say well, what if I talk tothe other person's spouse?
Same kind of things?
Now sometimes people will sayto me well, what if the other
spouse calls me?
I would suggest that you listen, but that you don't participate
past that, because if yourspouse feels that you're
colluding with the otherperson's spouse, things get bad
(12:50):
in a hurry.
It kind of creates a me and mylover against the world scenario
.
So even our two spouses arecolluding against us and trying
to cause us difficulty, and sowe just have to stick together
even closer because nobodyunderstands and it's just us
against the world.
And so, while I would recommendthat you listen, you very
(13:11):
quickly say thank you forcalling, please don't call
anymore.
I'm going to do everything Ican to work things out with my
spouse.
Now what you do then is that youdon't focus on the person that
they feel that they're in lovewith.
What you do is you focus on you.
You might be saying oh goodgrief, dr Beam, I've heard you
guys say this on video aftervideo after video.
(13:31):
Good, I'm glad you have,because it's the truth.
By focusing on you and I don'thave time to explain in great
detail because we have so manyother videos that talk about it
you're going to stop doing thethings that push your spouse
away, including the things youmay have started doing since you
found out about the affair.
Stop the things that arepushing your spouse away and
(13:56):
start doing the things thatcreate pulls, that can pull your
spouse back toward you, becauseyou understand this.
Whatever pulls are happeningthat are leading your spouse to
want to be with that otherperson, whatever those pulls
might be, there are also goingto be some pushes in that
situation.
You see, whoever your spouse isinvolved with is not perfect.
(14:16):
They're not perfect andeventually they're going to see
the flaws in the other personEventually.
Now, if you treat them terribly, trying to beat them up
verbally, maybe, threateningphysically, trying to get them
fired by their boss, if you doall those things, creating all
these negative things betweenyour spouse and you, then even
(14:36):
when they see the flaws in theother person, they're going to
see that person's flaws assmaller than the flaws that
you're exhibiting.
What you want to do is to makesure that when they see their
flaws, they don't look at youand think your flaws are worse
and therefore you're going to dothe best you can to eliminate
the things that you do that arepushing your spouse away.
(14:58):
You say then I'm going tobecome a doormat.
No, no, don't become a doormat.
You always make sure thatyou're treated with respect and
if your spouse refuses to do so,you take steps to make that
happen.
And again, if you come to oneof our workshops, we'll make it
available for you to be in ourfull, total membership, and
there's a toolkit in there thattells you exactly how to set
(15:20):
those boundaries.
So have you figured it out sofar?
Don't panic, it's almostimpossible, right?
But don't panic if your spousetells you or if you find out
your spouse is in love withsomebody else.
We deal with those scenariosevery day.
For 30 years we have dealt withthose scenarios every day.
(15:46):
I'm telling you that they maydivorce you, they may marry that
other person, but the oddsagainst that are extremely high.
The odds are that before yourspouse ever gets to the point of
wanting to marry the otherperson or deciding to marry the
other person, that relationshipis going to fall apart.
Before they get that far Nowit's going to be tight and close
(16:06):
and so wonderful for a periodof time, but eventually they're
going to get to that situationwhere that thing is going to
begin to fall apart.
And that's why the vastmajority of people who leave
their spouse or a lover neverwind up marrying that lover
Never.
And the ones that do marry thatlover, the divorce rate's over
(16:29):
80%.
You see, the odds are actuallyin your favor if you want your
spouse back, you can alwaysdivorce them.
It's your right.
I mean, they've cheated on youand you want to start over with
someone new, you can do that ifyou wish.
But if you believe that yourspouse is a good person doing a
bad thing but that that goodperson is still in there, we can
(16:54):
help you.
We'll do everything we can tohelp you rescue this marriage.
But you can't do it just bywishing.
You need to do something.
Be careful who you listen to.
Oh, there are so many peoplegiving so much bad advice.
You say well, dr Bean, maybeyou're giving bad advice.
If you decide that, then Isuggest you do not seek further
(17:16):
help from us.
Don't seek help from anybodywho's giving you advice that's
causing you difficulty or makingthings worse.
But if you believe that wewe've been around 30 years doing
this, that our hearts are good,that we genuinely, honestly,
really do care, then let us helpyou.
We've helped so many thousandsof couples and we want to help
(17:38):
you Now.
I'm not going to be like thosecharlatans and frauds and tell
you that we'll guarantee youthat you will save your marriage
if you deal with us.
I'm not going to lie to you,I'm going to say the odds are
good in your favor.
A recent study that was justdone by a PhD on people who have
been through our program foundthat a year later, 70% of them
(18:00):
were still together.
That's much higher than peoplewho go to marriage counseling.
By the way, 70% of them arestill together a year later.
We want to help you, like that.
You say okay.
Well, dr Bean, how can I findout more?
Okay, what you do is you go tothe internet and type in
marriagehelper that'smarriagehelpercom, and then
(18:22):
slash call Marriagehelper,marriagehelpercom.
Then call They'll listen.
You'll get about, oh, I guess Ithink 30 to 40 minutes in a
phone call, something like that,and they'll listen.
There's no charge for the call.
They'll listen and they'll hearwhat you have to say.
Charge for the call, they'lllisten and they'll hear what you
have to say, and then they willguide you to whatever we have.
That, we believe, is the bestto help you accomplish what you
(18:44):
want to accomplish, and theywill be open and honest.
And, yes, will they offer toyou coming to our workshop?
They definitely will.
Our workshop does a dramaticamount of good.
We have workshops for couples.
If your spouse will come withyou.
That's the best.
We hope he or she does.
We'd love to have you there.
Those things are absolutelyamazing, awesome.
And if he or she won't comewith you, we have another
(19:07):
version of the workshop that'sjust for solo spouses, and we do
some of those online and thereare both men and women in it,
and we do some of those inperson here in Middle Tennessee,
and when people come to thatit's only men.
We don't put a bunch of men andwomen who are in pain and
hurting in the same room forthree days.
We don't think that's wise.
But we do have solo workshopsjust for husbands, three days.
(19:32):
I love doing that workshop.
The men who come to thoseworkshops love that workshop.
And so if you're a husbandwho's listening, come join us
for that.
Or if you're a wife who'slistening, saying maybe my
husband wouldn't come to thecouples workshop but he would
come to that solo men's workshop, good, send him.
It's a tremendous workshop,very powerful.
(19:53):
You say what are you guys doing?
These workshops?
We teach.
We don't twist your arms.
We don't do counseling ortherapy.
We don't get you to tell allthe terrible things that have
happened in your marriage.
We don't get you to beat upyour spouse verbally by saying
let me tell you what that bumdid or what that woman did.
As a matter of fact, we won'tlet you say anything negative
(20:14):
about your spouse in ourworkshop, really, because we're
not doing counseling, we're notdoing therapy.
It's an educational approach andin that educational approach
you learn a lot about yourself,you learn a lot about your
spouse and you learn a lot aboutlife, even about marriage, and
that's why it has such atremendous success rate.
(20:35):
We treat everybody withabsolute respect and dignity,
even the ones who walk in thedoor saying I'm madly in love
with somebody else.
Get these three days over so Ican divorce my wife or husband
and go be with that person.
We treat that person withrespect as well, and in those
three days, amazing things occur.
Now we hope you come, at leastfind out about it.
(20:58):
I mean, you can do that right.
So go online right now,marriagehelpercom, and talk to
one of our representatives whocan help you think this through.
We want to help.
Please let us.
I'll see you in the nextepisode of Relationship Radio.
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