What To Do When You Hear 'I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You'

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Have you ever heard the devastating words, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"? This phrase can feel like an emotional earthquake, like something broke inside your chest, shattering the life you knew and leaving you stunned and confused. If you've heard it, you are not alone, you are not crazy, and this is NOT the end of your marriage.

When your spouse says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," they are not saying they hate you or have stopped caring. Instead, they are often expressing that the feeling of being in love—the intense emotional pull, the thrill, the spark, the butterflies, and infatuation—has faded or gone. Most people define love by these intense emotions, but these feelings were never meant to last forever. The version of love your spouse might be mourning was simply not sustainable.

What could be fueling this feeling of disconnection? Your spouse might be comparing your steady, imperfect love to a fantasy in their head. This fantasy can be fueled by:
• Stress, burnout, or trauma: Life pressures from career, parenting, or finances can overwhelm their emotional capacity, leading them to go emotionally cold.
• Emotional disconnection: They might have felt emotionally neglected or misunderstood for a long time, causing them to feel numb and mistake this absence of connection for an absence of love.
• Feeling lost themselves: Your spouse may feel they've lost themselves within the relationship, leading to resentment and pulling away not from you, but from the person they've become.
• Emotional entanglement with someone else: They might be comparing the fantasy of a new relationship with the realness and challenges of marriage.

The truth is, the spark they miss CAN be reignited. Not only can it be reignited, but it can be transformed into something stronger, deeper, and more lasting than they've ever imagined.

You may be in deep pain right now, feeling betrayed, unwanted, or replaced. You might even feel ashamed for wanting this marriage to work when others tell you to let go. But your desire to fight for your marriage is not weak or foolish; it is the most courageous thing you can do. And you don't have to do it alone.
At Marriage Helper, we've spent over 31 years helping marriages in the worst possible shape—even when a spouse had moved out, filed for divorce, or fallen in love with someone else. Countless couples have found their way back, found healing, and fell in love again—not the shallow kind, but the lasting kind.

This moment is your turning point. Please go right now to marriagehelper.com/call to schedule a FREE conversation with us about how we can help. It will take courage, commitment, and an investment of time, money, and energy. But what is your marriage worth to you? Imagine waking up one day, looking at your spouse, and saying, "We made it, and we're stronger than ever". That can happen because your story isn't over—it's just the beginning

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Because you're watching this right now, chances
are you've heard one of themost devastating phrases a
spouse can hear I love you, butI'm not in love with you.
Those words feel like anemotional earthquake, like
something broke inside yourchest, like the life you knew

(00:21):
just changed.
If you've heard them, I'm sosorry.
I know how much that hurts.
It doesn't just hurt your heart, it rattles your identity, it
stuns you, confuses you and itleaves you feeling like the life
you've built is suddenlycrumbling from underneath.
I've looked into the eyes ofhundreds well, actually

(00:46):
thousands of people who've beenexactly where you are right now,
and I want you to know you'renot alone, you're not crazy.
And this is not the end.
Let's take a breath together,because I want to talk directly
to the part of you that's tired,afraid, maybe even ashamed to

(01:09):
admit how much this has shakenyou.
Maybe you're wondering whathappened to us.
Was it something I did ordidn't do?
Is it too late to fix this?
And the deepest question of allCan love come back?
I'm Dr Joe Beam and I want totell you with all the certainty

(01:30):
of a man who has walked hundredsof couples through this fire
yes, it can, but before we talkabout how to restore that love.
We need to understand what yourspouse is really saying.
When your spouse says I loveyou but I'm not in love with you
, they're not saying they hateyou.
They're not saying they'vestopped caring, but they are

(01:54):
saying they're lost and we canhelp them and you find your way
back.
They still care about you.
They likely don't want to hurtyou.
They may even admire andrespect you, but inside them,
the feeling of being in love,that intense emotional pull,
that thrill, that spark, it'sgone and they don't know what to

(02:18):
do about that.
Well, here's what's importantto know.
Most people define love byemotion.
They think of being in love aspassion, butterflies,
infatuation, excitement, romance.
But those feelings were neverbuilt to last forever.
That doesn't mean real love isboring, but it does mean that

(02:39):
the version of love your spouseis mourning was never
sustainable.
They may be comparing yoursteady, imperfect love to a
fantasy in their head, to whatthey think love is supposed to
feel like, and that fantasy.
It can be fueled by variousthings like stress, burnout,
trauma.
Maybe life pressures, career,parenting, finances have

(03:02):
overwhelmed their emotionalcapacity and they've gone
emotionally cold.
Or maybe emotionaldisconnection.
Perhaps they felt emotionallyneglected or misunderstood for a
long time and now they feelnumb.
And when a person feelsdisconnected, they mistake the
absence of feeling connected forthe absence of love.

(03:23):
Or maybe they feel that they'velost themselves in their
relationship and that causesresentment, even if they can't
explain it, and they start topull away, not from you but from
the person they've become.
Or perhaps your spouse hasbecome emotionally entangled
with someone else and they'recomparing the fantasy of that

(03:47):
new relationship with therealness of marriage.
Well, when any of these are atplay, it's easy for someone to
say I love you but I'm not inlove with you.
But here's the truth they maynot realize that spark they miss
.
It can be reignited, and notjust reignited but transformed

(04:10):
into something stronger, deeperand more lasting than they've
ever imagined.
I need you to hold on to onething right now this does not
mean your marriage is over.
No matter what your spouse isright now, no matter how distant
they've become, no matter howhopeless it feels, this does not
have to be the end.

(04:30):
So may I talk about you for aminute, because you're in pain,
deep pain.
You're holding on wheneverything in you wants to fall
apart.
You may feel betrayed, unwantedreplaced.
You may have cried more tearsthan you ever thought possible.
You may even feel ashamed thatyou still want this marriage to

(04:53):
work when other people aretelling you to let it go.
But may I tell you somethingyour desire to fight for your
marriage is not weak, it's notfoolish.
It's the most courageous thingyou could ever do, and you don't
have to do it alone.
At Marriage Helper, we've spentover 31 years helping marriages

(05:17):
in the worst possible shape.
We're not talking about coupleswho just had a few bad weeks.
We're talking about coupleswhere one spouse had already
moved out or filed for divorceor fallen in love with someone
else or said I feel absolutelynothing for you anymore.

(05:38):
And guess what?
Countless couples found a wayback to each other.
They found healing.
They fell in love again Not theshallow kind, but the lasting
kind, and many of them will tellyou it took work, but it was
the best decision we ever made.

(06:00):
Here's what I hope you hear.
You don't have to convince yourspouse to come back.
You don't have to beg.
You don't have to chase Now.
There are things you can doright now to begin changing the
dance in your relationship.
But that's where we come in Ourthree-day marriage helper
workshop is the most powerful,proven path we've ever created

(06:23):
to bring marriages back from theedge.
It's not counseling it.
Your spouse will come or not.
We can help you.
So please look me in the eyeright now and hear me.
You are not powerless.

(06:44):
You're not alone.
Your marriage is not too fargone.
Don't spend another nightsearching the internet replaying
conversations, feeling likeyou're losing your mind.
We've walked this road withthousands.
We know how to help you, soplease don't wait.
This moment is the turningpoint.

(07:07):
Please go right now tomarriagehelpercom slash call to
schedule a free conversationwith us about how we can help.
It will take courage, it willtake commitment and, yes, it'll
take an investment of time,money and energy.
But what's your marriage worthto you?
What would it be worth to wakeup one day, look at your spouse

(07:29):
and say we made it and we'restronger than ever?
That can happen because yourstory isn't over.
It's just the beginning.
Marriage Helper, because yourmarriage is worth fighting for.
Marriagehelpercom slash call.
Go there right now, becausehope is here.