September 6, 2024 • 29 mins
Stephanie Olson discusses her journey to peace after trauma, starting from her early life marked by her father's abuse and abandonment. She recounts her struggles with self-esteem, eating disorders, and alcoholism, and her experiences of sexual violence and domestic abuse. Stephanie emphasizes the importance of forgiveness, both for others and oneself, in the healing process. She highlights the long-term impact of trauma and the need for resilience. Olson's message is that peace after trauma is a lifelong journey, not an overnight achievement and that recognizing one's worth and not blaming oneself for past traumas is crucial for healing.
Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean, and how do we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, an expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma, and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries and, sometimes, a few rants to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way and want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!
https://stephanieolson.com
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Episode Transcript
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Stephanie Olson (00:00):
Welcome to resilience in life and
(00:02):
leadership with your host,Stephanie Olson, CEO speaker,
author and sexual violence andaddiction expert, we're glad
you're here. Hi. I'm StephanieOlson, and I have to tell you, I
am so glad to be back here. NowI've said that a few times. I
(00:24):
have loved doing podcasts. I'veloved sharing information with
you and just learning so muchmyself, but I had to take a
pretty long break, and a lot ofthe reason for that is because
of the work I was doing with theset me free project. We have
scaled to a national level. I'vebeen speaking on a monthly basis
(00:44):
around this nation, and so it'sbeen a busy time, not to
mention, I have launched mythird child out into the world,
and officially an empty nester,which is very exciting. So I
bring you the first couple ofpodcasts back, but they are
previous things I've done forconferences, and so I just
(01:05):
wanted to share them with you.
And this first one is calledpeace after trauma, and it was
the peace after trauma summitthat I spoke at. And here you
go. Hi there. My name'sStephanie Olson. I'm with
Stephanie Olson speaking andconsulting. I'm also the CEO of
an organization called the setme free project, which does
(01:29):
prevention education on humantrafficking and sexual violence
and healthy relationships. And Iam so excited to be here. I
first want to say thank you somuch, Karen for this opportunity
to be with you, and I appreciatebeing able to be a part of this
very important summit. Peaceafter trauma is not an easy
(01:53):
thing, and it is something thatis not overnight and actually,
frankly, it's not something thatis actually completed. I believe
in our lifetime, it's a journey,and it's a journey I've been
going through all my life, andsomething that I can say, for
the most part, I have thatexperience of peace after the
(02:17):
trauma I've experienced, butagain, not overnight, and have
not arrived, and I think that'san important thing to say. And I
start my story. I want to sharea little bit about my story with
you, and just talk about thatprocess and that healing from
what I experienced. And I startmy story when I was born. Don't
(02:40):
want to scare you, but that'swhere it starts. And I was born
into a family of a very youngwoman and a very abusive father.
Now he was very abusive to mymom. He never was physically or
sexually abusive to me, but hedid coerce my mom to neglect me
(03:04):
through those early, earlyyears. Now I was very fortunate,
and so is my mom, because sheescaped from that relationship
when I was only a year old. Nowthat sounds like a really good
thing, but my biological fathernever did anything to let me
(03:25):
know that I existed, frankly. Sothere were no birthday cards,
there were no Christmas cardsfor me, there were no phone
calls. And when that happens andyou have that extreme
abandonment of a parent that isextreme trauma. So not only did
(03:45):
I witness abuse, even though Idon't remember it, you know,
when we have trauma in thosevery, very early ages that
really affects us, and eventhough we might not have a
memory of that trauma, thattrauma can really impact our
daily lives going forward. Andso I was, in fact, there's a
(04:06):
story that my mom tells that Iwas crying one day and he would
not let her come to my my rescueas a little baby, and after
many, many long minutes, I thinkshe's said hours, actually, and
(04:28):
I was still crying, she finallydid go check on me, and my head
was stuck in the crib. That wasbefore the days where there were
safe cribs. And so not only didI witness abuse, even though I
don't remember it, but I didexperience neglect, and that
(04:48):
kind of trauma. And theabandonment of my biological
father was very impactful. And Ithought, Well, gosh, if my own.
Own biological father doesn'tthink I'm worth sending a card
to or calling. I must not bevery worthy. And if my own
biological father doesn't loveme, I must not be very lovable.
(05:10):
And those were things, thosewere the traumas that followed
me through my life. Now, when mymom did leave my biological
father, we moved in with mygrandparents, and that was a
very good experience for me, andI was very blessed to have
supportive grandparents. Andeven though my mom was very
(05:33):
young and not really ready to bea mom, I still had the support
of incredible parental figuresin my life, and then when I was
six years old, my mom met andmarried my dad, the man who
adopted me when I was six yearsold. And I do make a definitive
(05:54):
difference between my biologicalfather and my dad, because
anybody can be a father. I guessany male can be a father, but it
really does take a very specialman to be a dad. And so I was
raised by my mom, who grew upquite a bit, and my dad, but I
(06:14):
always felt that abandonmentfrom my biological father and
and that really followed methrough my days as a young
kiddo, as a young adult and asadult, as an adult, I went
through a lot of things, likeeating disorders at a very young
(06:38):
age, I found alcohol, and thatwas what I thought at the time,
the best thing that everhappened to me. It made me feel
funnier. It made me think I wasprettier. It made me just more
sociable. And the truth is, itnumbed me, and so I was able to
feel none of that pain and noneof those things. And throughout
(07:01):
my my junior high and highschool and then college, I
really struggled withinsecurity. I struggled with
self esteem. I didn't feel goodabout myself. I decided, you
know, eating disorders, by theway, are all about control, as
(07:25):
many of you, I'm sure know, andso I was doing everything in my
power just to have a semblanceof control in my life. I was
drinking a lot, and I alwaysdrank a little differently than
my friends, I always lookedforward to that drink a little
bit differently.
(07:46):
And throughout my high schooltime, I had a boyfriend, and
this is really where the sexualand dating violence began, and
my boyfriend was this, you know,amazing guy. He was an athlete,
all of the things. And itstarted real subtly. It started
(08:09):
just with a little bit ofcontrol. I was a cheerleader,
and, you know, there he wouldhave problems with my
cheerleading uniform, eventhough that wasn't something I
could do, he didn't want mehanging around my friends
anymore, and it was just thesevery subtle moves of control.
(08:33):
Now, when you're in, you know, ajunior in high school, even when
you're an adult, sometimes thatfeels good, that feels you know,
I'm I'm I'm special, I'm loved.
He, he, he's jealous, and that'sa positive thing when, when we
know that that really isn't,it's not a positive thing. We
dated for a very long time, andduring that time, he, at one
(08:56):
point in time, raped me, andthat was my first experience of
sexual violence. Now I reallykind of blew it off. In fact,
looking back now, I remembersaying, You raped me, and he
(09:19):
apologized. But for some reason,my mind turned that into that
was my fault. I made thathappen. If I hadn't have been
fill in the blank, he wouldn'thave done that well, moving
forward, after about five yearsof dating this guy, I did break
(09:45):
up with him and went on in mycollege years to dating a lot of
different people and. Um, butalso drinking a lot and just an
unhealthy time in my life, veryunhealthy. And during my college
(10:06):
years and then my young adultyears, I was raped several more
times. Now these weren't asclassic in my mind, mindset of
what you would call rape, and soonce again, or three times
again, I blamed myself. I wasdrinking. I shouldn't have been
(10:31):
there. Whatever it was, itwasn't somebody else's choice,
that they did that it was myfault. Fast forward a little
bit, and I met and dated thisamazing guy, drug dealer,
(10:51):
actually not the best catch. Andwhat I have learned is that
maybe don't meet your partner ina bar is actually really good
advice, just gonna say. But Imet and dated my husband now my
ex husband for a whirlwind of ayear, just tumultuous dating
(11:20):
time, it was really just ugly,unhealthy, and although it
wasn't as abusive as it gotlater early on, there were
definitely red flags that wereall over the place, and because
(11:43):
I told my dad that we were maybegoing to move in together, and
he said, This will kill yourmother, I decided to marry him,
not the best plan. But again,it's really important to know
(12:04):
that all of that abuse reallycan be very internalized, and
all of a sudden we look atourselves differently. You know,
I work with education andcurriculum on prevention,
(12:24):
education of human trafficking,and we talk about the grooming
process quite a bit. Thegrooming process is something
that when the person goes intothe grooming process, it's never
really the same person thatcomes out of the grooming
process, and it is somethingthat not only happens in sexual
(12:46):
violence situations, but it canhappen with romantic partner
violent situations, and it maynot even be intentional of the
individual who is the abuser. Itmight be, but it might not even
be intentional, but it is a partof that process. So the grooming
(13:07):
process, they target anindividual, they gain trust,
they fill a need. Now, if you'relooking at just those three
things, that looks like thehoneymoon phase, doesn't it? You
may not realize you've beentargeted, but that gaining trust
can look like a whole bunch ofamazing stuff. Like, oh my gosh,
(13:29):
you love dogs, so do I? We haveso much in common. This is
amazing. And then they fill aneed, and that could be, you are
everything to me. You arebeautiful. Now, in my case, I
needed to hear the things that Ifelt like my biological father
(13:49):
didn't give me. I needed to feellike I had worth. I needed to
feel like I had value. I neededto feel like I was loved, and at
that time in my life, I didn'trealize that I had an intrinsic
value that couldn't be changedby anybody else. I thought at
that time it had to come fromsomebody else, and it doesn't.
(14:14):
So anyway, the grooming process,they isolate and then they
sexualize or exploit you, andthey maintain control. Now, if
somebody does those first three,well, those last three are much
easier to do, and again, theperson going into the grooming
(14:35):
process is never the same personwho comes out of the grooming
process. So at that time, Iwasn't feeling like I had worth
value. I wasn't feeling like Icould be loved. And so all of
those things, those lies that Iwould tell myself, were just
(14:56):
etched in my. Brain, you're notgood enough, you're not worthy,
you're not pretty enough, you'renot thin enough, you're not
enough, you're just not enough.
And so this relationship that Ihad with my now ex husband, I
(15:17):
was prime for some of thesethings that I thought I
deserved. So got married, and itwas two years of nightmare. Now,
the majority of the abuse that Iexperienced was verbal and
(15:40):
emotional, and I really thinkthat it's important to think
about domestic violence not asphysical. Only that violence can
be so many different things, butthat verbal and emotional abuse
that is something that sometimeswe just make excuses for don't
(16:03):
we? We just say, Well, you know,he didn't mean that it is, it is
so much easier. Now I'm notsaying it's any worse or less.
There was physical abuse, but itwas so much easier for me to
shove that emotional and verbalabuse aside, because those were
(16:28):
just words. Those words wentdeep, but in my mind, that's not
abuse Now, throughout these twoyears that I was married to him,
it got pretty bad, and I finallygot to this place where I was
(16:48):
just exhausted, and also analcoholic. Took a bunch of
pills, no whiskey chaser,because I just wanted to sleep.
I think sometimes when we get tothis place of of abuse and
trauma and it just it wears usout, and after a while,
(17:13):
sometimes we just want to sleep.
Well, that wound up being one ofthe best things that happened to
me, because, of course, theydidn't think that I just wanted
to sleep. They thought I wantedto take my life, and I wound up
in the hospital for a week, andit was probably one of the most
(17:38):
important weeks of my entirelife, because although I was
still married, I was safe. I wassafe from abuse, I was safe from
even being able to harm myself.
And it was a time where thehealing began. I was able to see
an incredible therapist therapy,by the way, amazing thing, but I
(18:05):
was able to see an incredibletherapist who I saw three times
a week, and I remember himsaying to me, Stephanie, do you
see yourself married to him,sitting by him in a rocking
chair when you're old. And I hadto say no, and that was the
(18:30):
moment that my healing journeybegan, when I said no, and I
made the decision, I need toleave now. It wasn't an easy
process. And and I think as weknow when, when people are
leaving abusive relationships,sometimes it's at that time of
(18:52):
leaving that it can get evenmore dangerous, and so it's
important to have a plan, butwhen I left, he wiped out my
bank account, and he continuedto, I mean, he was stalking me.
And it wasn't always, like scarystuff, but it was, it was
(19:13):
relentless, and during that timewhere I was kind of finding my
own way, I was able to reallypress into my faith that I had
kind of just shoved aside for solong, and really press into
that, really press into thecommunity of support that I had
(19:39):
now during the time of myabusive relationship, my parents
were almost like not present,because he wound up telling my
parents, you know, she's this,she's that, she's crazy. She
needs help, whatever it was, andso my parents. Parents really
viewed me as the problem, him asthe amazing person. So that time
(20:05):
was so challenging, but I wasable to regain all of that
support that I had put aside,not felt like I had, or the
ability to grab a hold of, youknow, abuse does really, really
(20:25):
tough things to our mindset andeven the people that might be
around us or might might be thatsupport it is so easy to to
allow them to go away because ofwhat we believe. Anyway, that
(20:52):
was the beginning of my journeyof healing, and it took a lot. I
had to really dig in and figureout what was my part in it. Now
here's where I think it's reallyimportant, not that the abuse
(21:14):
was my part, that I I did notask to be abused, but I had to
forgive people in my life, likemy biological father, because
forgiveness is like hanging onto that stuff and or
(21:34):
unforgiveness, It's kind ofholding on to that stuff in an
AA, and I got sober finally,much, much later, but I've been
sober now for 21 years, andthere is an old saying that
unforgiveness is like drinking Abottle of poison, hoping the
(21:58):
other person will die. And thatis true that when we hold on to
that unforgiveness, it reallydoesn't hurt that person, it
hurts us. So I had to forgive alot of people in my life, but
the biggest person I had toforgive was myself, and I had to
allow that forgiveness of myselfand that recognizing that it
(22:25):
wasn't all my fault to heal me,To start that healing process
now I wound up marrying anamazing man that took a long
time. Healthy attracts healthy.
(22:48):
And although that was by thegrace of God, because I wasn't
quite there yet, I've beenmarried now for 26 years to an
incredible man who does honorme, and I honor him. But what
was really interesting for mewas I have been running the set
(23:15):
me free project for 10 years. Ihave been speaking on human
trafficking and the dangers ofhuman trafficking and what it
really looks like. I have beenspeaking on sexual and domestic
violence all over and one day Iwas in a presentation, and it
(23:40):
was me and a trauma therapist,and I don't even know what she
said, But she said something,and it hit me like a ton of
bricks. Oh my gosh. I was rapedmany times in my past. You see
(24:01):
all of that time that I had gonethrough that, and my abusive
husband and all those things Ihad still told myself that it
was my fault, that all thathappened to me, I didn't call it
rape. I didn't call it sexualassault. I called it my fault,
(24:23):
and even though I had beenspeaking on this topic, these
topics, for years, and I couldtell you that you weren't at
fault, I could tell you itwasn't your fault. I could tell
you that you aren't to blame.
And I could tell you that'scalled rape. I could not tell
(24:44):
myself that. And I rememberbeing in this presentation and
Whoa, it hit me like a ton ofbricks. That's what that was.
That's what that was the. Those,those four times, that's what
that was and and even though Ihad said those words to my
(25:06):
boyfriend back in the day, I hadtold myself for so many years it
was my fault, more healing thatwas just like four years ago. So
that healing journey is aprocess, and I think that's
where peace begins, that thatpeace doesn't come overnight,
(25:34):
that peace doesn't even come allthe time. It may come and go,
but when we are able to say,Gosh, it wasn't your fault. You
did not deserve that, thattrauma you experienced, whatever
(25:58):
it was, was not your fault. Whenwe can do that, that's when our
healing begins, and that's wherethe peace comes in, a peace that
passes all understanding.
(26:18):
Because where should that comefrom? I don't know, right, but
that's when you want to grab ahold of your faith. That's when
you want to grab a hold of yoursupport system. That's where you
want to grab a hold of the factthat you are not to blame. There
(26:39):
is peace after trauma, and it'snot easy, and it's not
overnight. Sometimes it's apretty tough journey, but when
you allow yourself to feel that,when you forgive yourself for
whatever that may be, not evensomething that that you did
wrong, but sometimes we justneed to tell ourselves that.
(27:05):
And it is amazing what God cando after that, because when that
happens, that's when we canstart healing and then maybe
giving back. And I'm not eventalking about giving back in
big, big chunks, just one personat a time, that trauma that I
(27:31):
experienced from one to fiveyears old, and then later on in
my Life, that does not go away.
And there are times that itstill hits me, but that work
that I did on myself, working torecover from the eating
(27:51):
disorders, working to recoverfrom alcoholism, working to
recover from the fact that Ithought it was my fault. That's
the healing. And I reallybelieve that we all have it in
us. That's resilience. That'stwo steps forward, three steps
(28:15):
back. But I am here to tell youtoday that whatever that trauma
is, it's not your fault, and youcan have peace beyond the
trauma. Thank you so much formore information on my journey
(28:37):
and what I do, feel free toreach out anytime at Stephanie
olson.com I would love to be apart of your journey in any way.
Thank you so much. And Thankyou, Karen for this opportunity.
Thanks for tuning in. We hopeyou enjoyed it. Please share
(29:03):
freely. You.
Welcome to resilience in life and
(00:02):
leadership with your host,Stephanie Olson, CEO speaker,
author and sexual violence andaddiction expert, we're glad
you're here. Hi. I'm StephanieOlson, and I have to tell you, I
am so glad to be back here. NowI've said that a few times. I
(00:24):
have loved doing podcasts. I'veloved sharing information with
you and just learning so muchmyself, but I had to take a
pretty long break, and a lot ofthe reason for that is because
of the work I was doing with theset me free project. We have
scaled to a national level. I'vebeen speaking on a monthly basis
(00:44):
around this nation, and so it'sbeen a busy time, not to
mention, I have launched mythird child out into the world,
and officially an empty nester,which is very exciting. So I
bring you the first couple ofpodcasts back, but they are
previous things I've done forconferences, and so I just
(01:05):
wanted to share them with you.
And this first one is calledpeace after trauma, and it was
the peace after trauma summitthat I spoke at. And here you
go. Hi there. My name'sStephanie Olson. I'm with
Stephanie Olson speaking andconsulting. I'm also the CEO of
an organization called the setme free project, which does
(01:29):
prevention education on humantrafficking and sexual violence
and healthy relationships. And Iam so excited to be here. I
first want to say thank you somuch, Karen for this opportunity
to be with you, and I appreciatebeing able to be a part of this
very important summit. Peaceafter trauma is not an easy
(01:53):
thing, and it is something thatis not overnight and actually,
frankly, it's not something thatis actually completed. I believe
in our lifetime, it's a journey,and it's a journey I've been
going through all my life, andsomething that I can say, for
the most part, I have thatexperience of peace after the
(02:17):
trauma I've experienced, butagain, not overnight, and have
not arrived, and I think that'san important thing to say. And I
start my story. I want to sharea little bit about my story with
you, and just talk about thatprocess and that healing from
what I experienced. And I startmy story when I was born. Don't
(02:40):
want to scare you, but that'swhere it starts. And I was born
into a family of a very youngwoman and a very abusive father.
Now he was very abusive to mymom. He never was physically or
sexually abusive to me, but hedid coerce my mom to neglect me
(03:04):
through those early, earlyyears. Now I was very fortunate,
and so is my mom, because sheescaped from that relationship
when I was only a year old. Nowthat sounds like a really good
thing, but my biological fathernever did anything to let me
(03:25):
know that I existed, frankly. Sothere were no birthday cards,
there were no Christmas cardsfor me, there were no phone
calls. And when that happens andyou have that extreme
abandonment of a parent that isextreme trauma. So not only did
(03:45):
I witness abuse, even though Idon't remember it, you know,
when we have trauma in thosevery, very early ages that
really affects us, and eventhough we might not have a
memory of that trauma, thattrauma can really impact our
daily lives going forward. Andso I was, in fact, there's a
(04:06):
story that my mom tells that Iwas crying one day and he would
not let her come to my my rescueas a little baby, and after
many, many long minutes, I thinkshe's said hours, actually, and
(04:28):
I was still crying, she finallydid go check on me, and my head
was stuck in the crib. That wasbefore the days where there were
safe cribs. And so not only didI witness abuse, even though I
don't remember it, but I didexperience neglect, and that
(04:48):
kind of trauma. And theabandonment of my biological
father was very impactful. And Ithought, Well, gosh, if my own.
Own biological father doesn'tthink I'm worth sending a card
to or calling. I must not bevery worthy. And if my own
biological father doesn't loveme, I must not be very lovable.
(05:10):
And those were things, thosewere the traumas that followed
me through my life. Now, when mymom did leave my biological
father, we moved in with mygrandparents, and that was a
very good experience for me, andI was very blessed to have
supportive grandparents. Andeven though my mom was very
(05:33):
young and not really ready to bea mom, I still had the support
of incredible parental figuresin my life, and then when I was
six years old, my mom met andmarried my dad, the man who
adopted me when I was six yearsold. And I do make a definitive
(05:54):
difference between my biologicalfather and my dad, because
anybody can be a father. I guessany male can be a father, but it
really does take a very specialman to be a dad. And so I was
raised by my mom, who grew upquite a bit, and my dad, but I
(06:14):
always felt that abandonmentfrom my biological father and
and that really followed methrough my days as a young
kiddo, as a young adult and asadult, as an adult, I went
through a lot of things, likeeating disorders at a very young
(06:38):
age, I found alcohol, and thatwas what I thought at the time,
the best thing that everhappened to me. It made me feel
funnier. It made me think I wasprettier. It made me just more
sociable. And the truth is, itnumbed me, and so I was able to
feel none of that pain and noneof those things. And throughout
(07:01):
my my junior high and highschool and then college, I
really struggled withinsecurity. I struggled with
self esteem. I didn't feel goodabout myself. I decided, you
know, eating disorders, by theway, are all about control, as
(07:25):
many of you, I'm sure know, andso I was doing everything in my
power just to have a semblanceof control in my life. I was
drinking a lot, and I alwaysdrank a little differently than
my friends, I always lookedforward to that drink a little
bit differently.
(07:46):
And throughout my high schooltime, I had a boyfriend, and
this is really where the sexualand dating violence began, and
my boyfriend was this, you know,amazing guy. He was an athlete,
all of the things. And itstarted real subtly. It started
(08:09):
just with a little bit ofcontrol. I was a cheerleader,
and, you know, there he wouldhave problems with my
cheerleading uniform, eventhough that wasn't something I
could do, he didn't want mehanging around my friends
anymore, and it was just thesevery subtle moves of control.
(08:33):
Now, when you're in, you know, ajunior in high school, even when
you're an adult, sometimes thatfeels good, that feels you know,
I'm I'm I'm special, I'm loved.
He, he, he's jealous, and that'sa positive thing when, when we
know that that really isn't,it's not a positive thing. We
dated for a very long time, andduring that time, he, at one
(08:56):
point in time, raped me, andthat was my first experience of
sexual violence. Now I reallykind of blew it off. In fact,
looking back now, I remembersaying, You raped me, and he
(09:19):
apologized. But for some reason,my mind turned that into that
was my fault. I made thathappen. If I hadn't have been
fill in the blank, he wouldn'thave done that well, moving
forward, after about five yearsof dating this guy, I did break
(09:45):
up with him and went on in mycollege years to dating a lot of
different people and. Um, butalso drinking a lot and just an
unhealthy time in my life, veryunhealthy. And during my college
(10:06):
years and then my young adultyears, I was raped several more
times. Now these weren't asclassic in my mind, mindset of
what you would call rape, and soonce again, or three times
again, I blamed myself. I wasdrinking. I shouldn't have been
(10:31):
there. Whatever it was, itwasn't somebody else's choice,
that they did that it was myfault. Fast forward a little
bit, and I met and dated thisamazing guy, drug dealer,
(10:51):
actually not the best catch. Andwhat I have learned is that
maybe don't meet your partner ina bar is actually really good
advice, just gonna say. But Imet and dated my husband now my
ex husband for a whirlwind of ayear, just tumultuous dating
(11:20):
time, it was really just ugly,unhealthy, and although it
wasn't as abusive as it gotlater early on, there were
definitely red flags that wereall over the place, and because
(11:43):
I told my dad that we were maybegoing to move in together, and
he said, This will kill yourmother, I decided to marry him,
not the best plan. But again,it's really important to know
(12:04):
that all of that abuse reallycan be very internalized, and
all of a sudden we look atourselves differently. You know,
I work with education andcurriculum on prevention,
(12:24):
education of human trafficking,and we talk about the grooming
process quite a bit. Thegrooming process is something
that when the person goes intothe grooming process, it's never
really the same person thatcomes out of the grooming
process, and it is somethingthat not only happens in sexual
(12:46):
violence situations, but it canhappen with romantic partner
violent situations, and it maynot even be intentional of the
individual who is the abuser. Itmight be, but it might not even
be intentional, but it is a partof that process. So the grooming
(13:07):
process, they target anindividual, they gain trust,
they fill a need. Now, if you'relooking at just those three
things, that looks like thehoneymoon phase, doesn't it? You
may not realize you've beentargeted, but that gaining trust
can look like a whole bunch ofamazing stuff. Like, oh my gosh,
(13:29):
you love dogs, so do I? We haveso much in common. This is
amazing. And then they fill aneed, and that could be, you are
everything to me. You arebeautiful. Now, in my case, I
needed to hear the things that Ifelt like my biological father
(13:49):
didn't give me. I needed to feellike I had worth. I needed to
feel like I had value. I neededto feel like I was loved, and at
that time in my life, I didn'trealize that I had an intrinsic
value that couldn't be changedby anybody else. I thought at
that time it had to come fromsomebody else, and it doesn't.
(14:14):
So anyway, the grooming process,they isolate and then they
sexualize or exploit you, andthey maintain control. Now, if
somebody does those first three,well, those last three are much
easier to do, and again, theperson going into the grooming
(14:35):
process is never the same personwho comes out of the grooming
process. So at that time, Iwasn't feeling like I had worth
value. I wasn't feeling like Icould be loved. And so all of
those things, those lies that Iwould tell myself, were just
(14:56):
etched in my. Brain, you're notgood enough, you're not worthy,
you're not pretty enough, you'renot thin enough, you're not
enough, you're just not enough.
And so this relationship that Ihad with my now ex husband, I
(15:17):
was prime for some of thesethings that I thought I
deserved. So got married, and itwas two years of nightmare. Now,
the majority of the abuse that Iexperienced was verbal and
(15:40):
emotional, and I really thinkthat it's important to think
about domestic violence not asphysical. Only that violence can
be so many different things, butthat verbal and emotional abuse
that is something that sometimeswe just make excuses for don't
(16:03):
we? We just say, Well, you know,he didn't mean that it is, it is
so much easier. Now I'm notsaying it's any worse or less.
There was physical abuse, but itwas so much easier for me to
shove that emotional and verbalabuse aside, because those were
(16:28):
just words. Those words wentdeep, but in my mind, that's not
abuse Now, throughout these twoyears that I was married to him,
it got pretty bad, and I finallygot to this place where I was
(16:48):
just exhausted, and also analcoholic. Took a bunch of
pills, no whiskey chaser,because I just wanted to sleep.
I think sometimes when we get tothis place of of abuse and
trauma and it just it wears usout, and after a while,
(17:13):
sometimes we just want to sleep.
Well, that wound up being one ofthe best things that happened to
me, because, of course, theydidn't think that I just wanted
to sleep. They thought I wantedto take my life, and I wound up
in the hospital for a week, andit was probably one of the most
(17:38):
important weeks of my entirelife, because although I was
still married, I was safe. I wassafe from abuse, I was safe from
even being able to harm myself.
And it was a time where thehealing began. I was able to see
an incredible therapist therapy,by the way, amazing thing, but I
(18:05):
was able to see an incredibletherapist who I saw three times
a week, and I remember himsaying to me, Stephanie, do you
see yourself married to him,sitting by him in a rocking
chair when you're old. And I hadto say no, and that was the
(18:30):
moment that my healing journeybegan, when I said no, and I
made the decision, I need toleave now. It wasn't an easy
process. And and I think as weknow when, when people are
leaving abusive relationships,sometimes it's at that time of
(18:52):
leaving that it can get evenmore dangerous, and so it's
important to have a plan, butwhen I left, he wiped out my
bank account, and he continuedto, I mean, he was stalking me.
And it wasn't always, like scarystuff, but it was, it was
(19:13):
relentless, and during that timewhere I was kind of finding my
own way, I was able to reallypress into my faith that I had
kind of just shoved aside for solong, and really press into
that, really press into thecommunity of support that I had
(19:39):
now during the time of myabusive relationship, my parents
were almost like not present,because he wound up telling my
parents, you know, she's this,she's that, she's crazy. She
needs help, whatever it was, andso my parents. Parents really
viewed me as the problem, him asthe amazing person. So that time
(20:05):
was so challenging, but I wasable to regain all of that
support that I had put aside,not felt like I had, or the
ability to grab a hold of, youknow, abuse does really, really
(20:25):
tough things to our mindset andeven the people that might be
around us or might might be thatsupport it is so easy to to
allow them to go away because ofwhat we believe. Anyway, that
(20:52):
was the beginning of my journeyof healing, and it took a lot. I
had to really dig in and figureout what was my part in it. Now
here's where I think it's reallyimportant, not that the abuse
(21:14):
was my part, that I I did notask to be abused, but I had to
forgive people in my life, likemy biological father, because
forgiveness is like hanging onto that stuff and or
(21:34):
unforgiveness, It's kind ofholding on to that stuff in an
AA, and I got sober finally,much, much later, but I've been
sober now for 21 years, andthere is an old saying that
unforgiveness is like drinking Abottle of poison, hoping the
(21:58):
other person will die. And thatis true that when we hold on to
that unforgiveness, it reallydoesn't hurt that person, it
hurts us. So I had to forgive alot of people in my life, but
the biggest person I had toforgive was myself, and I had to
allow that forgiveness of myselfand that recognizing that it
(22:25):
wasn't all my fault to heal me,To start that healing process
now I wound up marrying anamazing man that took a long
time. Healthy attracts healthy.
(22:48):
And although that was by thegrace of God, because I wasn't
quite there yet, I've beenmarried now for 26 years to an
incredible man who does honorme, and I honor him. But what
was really interesting for mewas I have been running the set
(23:15):
me free project for 10 years. Ihave been speaking on human
trafficking and the dangers ofhuman trafficking and what it
really looks like. I have beenspeaking on sexual and domestic
violence all over and one day Iwas in a presentation, and it
(23:40):
was me and a trauma therapist,and I don't even know what she
said, But she said something,and it hit me like a ton of
bricks. Oh my gosh. I was rapedmany times in my past. You see
(24:01):
all of that time that I had gonethrough that, and my abusive
husband and all those things Ihad still told myself that it
was my fault, that all thathappened to me, I didn't call it
rape. I didn't call it sexualassault. I called it my fault,
(24:23):
and even though I had beenspeaking on this topic, these
topics, for years, and I couldtell you that you weren't at
fault, I could tell you itwasn't your fault. I could tell
you that you aren't to blame.
And I could tell you that'scalled rape. I could not tell
(24:44):
myself that. And I rememberbeing in this presentation and
Whoa, it hit me like a ton ofbricks. That's what that was.
That's what that was the. Those,those four times, that's what
that was and and even though Ihad said those words to my
(25:06):
boyfriend back in the day, I hadtold myself for so many years it
was my fault, more healing thatwas just like four years ago. So
that healing journey is aprocess, and I think that's
where peace begins, that thatpeace doesn't come overnight,
(25:34):
that peace doesn't even come allthe time. It may come and go,
but when we are able to say,Gosh, it wasn't your fault. You
did not deserve that, thattrauma you experienced, whatever
(25:58):
it was, was not your fault. Whenwe can do that, that's when our
healing begins, and that's wherethe peace comes in, a peace that
passes all understanding.
(26:18):
Because where should that comefrom? I don't know, right, but
that's when you want to grab ahold of your faith. That's when
you want to grab a hold of yoursupport system. That's where you
want to grab a hold of the factthat you are not to blame. There
(26:39):
is peace after trauma, and it'snot easy, and it's not
overnight. Sometimes it's apretty tough journey, but when
you allow yourself to feel that,when you forgive yourself for
whatever that may be, not evensomething that that you did
wrong, but sometimes we justneed to tell ourselves that.
(27:05):
And it is amazing what God cando after that, because when that
happens, that's when we canstart healing and then maybe
giving back. And I'm not eventalking about giving back in
big, big chunks, just one personat a time, that trauma that I
(27:31):
experienced from one to fiveyears old, and then later on in
my Life, that does not go away.
And there are times that itstill hits me, but that work
that I did on myself, working torecover from the eating
(27:51):
disorders, working to recoverfrom alcoholism, working to
recover from the fact that Ithought it was my fault. That's
the healing. And I reallybelieve that we all have it in
us. That's resilience. That'stwo steps forward, three steps
(28:15):
back. But I am here to tell youtoday that whatever that trauma
is, it's not your fault, and youcan have peace beyond the
trauma. Thank you so much formore information on my journey
(28:37):
and what I do, feel free toreach out anytime at Stephanie
olson.com I would love to be apart of your journey in any way.
Thank you so much. And Thankyou, Karen for this opportunity.
Thanks for tuning in. We hopeyou enjoyed it. Please share
(29:03):
freely. You.
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